My dream football team — football_team 🇬🇧

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-0 (W)

The ref blows up! Tomáš Chorý's shot is blocked by an arm in the box. Penalty, and you can't argue with that one. GOOOOAL from Patrick Andrade! ICE COLD penalty, he places it left, the keeper goes right. Total composure!

Tomáš Chorý climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Patrick Andrade films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Aymeric Laporte intercepts the ball, he was a step ahead of everyone on the pitch. Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. WIIIIIDE! Stephen Eustáquio put plenty on it but the ball slides just past the frame of the goal.

Jurriën Timber jumps too early and comes back down before the ball arrives, the opponent profits and wins the duel. Sipho Chaine parries it back into the middle, that is dangerous! Jurriën Timber launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty.

Dylan Bronn throws himself into the passing lane and comes away with the ball. Phenomenal reading of the game. Short build-up from Dylan Bronn to Stephen Eustáquio, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Stephen Eustáquio sends the defender the wrong way with a stepover, that is technically brutal. Stephen Eustáquio fires a powerful cross into the danger zone, Tyler Adams throws himself at it. It is heating up in the box. Header from Tyler Adams, it flies just past the post, he had to hit the target there.

Sipho Chaine sparks the transition with a quick throw to Stephen Eustáquio, the break is lightning fast. Stephen Eustáquio launches himself and thumps a dominant header on the cross. The opponent was still on the ground while Stephen Eustáquio was flying. Lightning overlap from Stephen Eustáquio, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides. Perfect pull-back from Stephen Eustáquio, Patrick Andrade receives it facing goal inside the area. Dream scenario. Sipho Chaine palms the ball away with a firm hand. Corner. The attacker cannot believe it.

The physio announces the GPS stats: "Sipho Chaine has covered seven kilometres already." Tyler Adams shouts: "That is because {he} has been chasing their winger all half!" Sipho Chaine fires back: "At least I caught him, unlike you last week." Laughter all round. The gaffer taps the board. "Focus, lads. Same energy second half." Here's one for the ages — Sipho Chaine is the reigning champion of the dressing room biscuit dunking competition. His record is a full eleven-second dunk with a digestive. No breakage. At 180, his hand-to-mug coordination is genuinely world class. And now, our TV game show Only Fools and Quizzes! To win a genuine Reliant Robin air freshener, text 3678 and answer: 'In which year did Del Boy last say this time next year we will be millionaires and actually mean it?' The tunnel spits the players back onto the pitch one by one. Sipho Chaine comes out with that walk. You know the one. Shoulders back, chest out. Something has clicked.

Raúl Jiménez goes all in with the tackle but comes away with nothing but thin air. Sipho Chaine parries it weakly into the middle, the attacker is a whisker from opening the scoring! Aymeric Laporte clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched.

Angelo Preciado with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! Angelo Preciado to Tomáš Chorý, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages. Pass, pass, pass, back to the keeper... same old script.

The bench is screaming, the fans roaring, one last massive push. The keeper is up, Sipho Chaine getting ready to meet the corner with his head. Jurriën Timber wins his duel in the air and heads it down for Dylan Bronn. Aerial dominance in the service of the team. Jurriën Timber links up with Raúl Jiménez, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up.

The corner from Tyler Adams is snuffed out by the defence, a defender clears at the near post. Angelo Preciado clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep.

Monster clearance from Jurriën Timber! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. Rolling forward like a freight train, the opposition are hanging on. Stephen Eustáquio curls a cross to the near post, Angelo Preciado is lurking in the box.

GET IN THERE! Sipho Chaine slides on his knees across the wet turf, Dylan Bronn piles on top, and suddenly half the squad is in a heap. The physio's already panicking about someone's hamstring. Paris Saint-Glinglin can only watch. That's what it means to this lot. Terry from Peckham says Del Boy has never once meant it and that's the beauty of it all. Enjoy the Reliant Robin air freshener, Terry! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

2-1 (W)

Concrete low block, even set pieces aren't getting through. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. Tyler Adams winds up and SMASHES it! The ball flies like a rocket and ends up smack in the goal. INCREDIBLE!

Tyler Adams does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Patrick Andrade launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Sipho Chaine arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

Stephen Eustáquio sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. Stephen Eustáquio dinks his cross over the centre-halves, Angelo Preciado arrives at full pace behind them. GOOOOAL! Angelo Preciado places his header from the cross by Tomáš Chorý, immaculate!

Sideways, backwards, sideways again, the crowd is getting restless. The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. Aymeric Laporte sends an aerial beauty to Patrick Andrade, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile.

Delicious through ball from Raúl Jiménez, the ball slides in behind the centre-halves and Patrick Andrade is there to gobble it up. Patrick Andrade drifts just offside as Raúl Jiménez plays the pass, the flag goes up. Agonising! A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent. Good ball from Jurriën Timber to Aymeric Laporte, playing it quick between the lines.

Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. Tyler Adams threads the needle between the two centre-backs, Patrick Andrade bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. OHHH what a strike from Patrick Andrade! On target, thundering towards goal but the keeper stands firm. Huge save. Patrick Andrade takes the corner but the opposition defence is well organized, cleared.

Angelo Preciado is planning the celebration already. "If I score in the second half, I am doing the knee slide right in front of their lot," {he} tells Dylan Bronn, who replies: "Last time you tried that you pulled your hamstring." The dressing room erupts. The gaffer shakes his head. "Just score the goal, we will worry about the celebration later." In a baffling move, Dylan Bronn adopted a tortoise named Gary Lineker. At 31, the footballer insists Gary brings calm to the household, despite the tortoise doing absolutely nothing at all times. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 3737 and answer this question: 'What is the pH level of a Greggs steak bake?' And we are back underway! Raúl Jiménez jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

Perfectly executed challenge by Angelo Preciado, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb. Phenomenal run from Angelo Preciado, he cuts through the midfield like a hot knife through butter.

Intelligent short corner from Daichi Kamada to Angelo Preciado, they refuse the aerial cross. Perfect cut-back from Angelo Preciado, Patrick Andrade receives it on the deck in acres of space. Dream scenario. NOOOOO Patrick Andrade! The goal was empty, Jurriën Timber puts it on his foot and he blazes it over the bar! A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all.

What a block! Jurriën Timber slides in with impeccable timing and takes the ball away. That's defending at its finest. Jurriën Timber slides a beauty through the gap, Patrick Andrade is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. Patrick Andrade goes for it and fires! Wide, just to the left of goal. Not far off at all. We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough.

Absolutely dreadful! México No-Era-Penal score and we have only ourselves to blame.

Sipho Chaine runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Aymeric Laporte joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. Jurriën Timber puts Patrick Andrade into orbit with a laser-guided through ball. The kind of pass that lifts an entire stadium to its feet. Patrick Andrade wants to find Tyler Adams between the lines but the weight is all wrong. Intercepted.

Free kick played short, Stephen Eustáquio to Patrick Andrade, they bypass the wall with the combination. Patrick Andrade shifts it to Raúl Jiménez with a short pass, threading it between two defenders.

What a performance! Angelo Preciado exchanges jerseys with the México No-Era-Penal skipper — firm handshake, quiet word, respect between competitors. Then he turns and unleashes a primal scream at the sky. Sipho Chaine just laughs. "He does that every time we win," he tells the camera. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Colin Flannel-Trousers, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the pH level of a Greggs steak bake?'. The answer was of course off the scale entirely, scientists refuse to measure it on moral grounds. Colin wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

3-2 (W)

Oh no, Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score! Their forward was left completely unmarked, schoolboy defending.

Sipho Chaine legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Stephen Eustáquio tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Stephen Eustáquio presses high and the defender loses the ball under pressure. It is simple, it is effective, it is intensity football. Sharp cut inside from Stephen Eustáquio, the defender is left rooted to the spot. That is nasty. GOOOOAL from Stephen Eustáquio! On the inswinging cross from Patrick Andrade, he places his shot along the ground and the ball is in!

Perfect back flip from Stephen Eustáquio right in front of the home end, five-star landing. Jurriën Timber tries the same behind him, lands flat on his arse, the whole squad doubled over laughing. Even Sipho Chaine has made it up, hands on knees, breathless. Proper scenes.

Clinical interception from Angelo Preciado, he cuts out the pass between the opposition lines and breaks forward on the counter. The crowd loves it, and rightly so. Key pass from Angelo Preciado! It fizzes between the lines and Dylan Bronn collects on the run, the defence is left for dead. GOOOAL! Dylan Bronn sneaks in front of the keeper and diverts the ball with the tip of his boot. No keeper can do better!

Angelo Preciado rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Jurriën Timber jumps on his back, Sipho Chaine is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

They've done it! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Sipho Chaine points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. Jurriën Timber comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

Every player defending like their life depends on it, the block stands firm. Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. GOOOOOAL! Tomáš Chorý places it inside the post from the cross by Stephen Eustáquio, the keeper was well positioned but had no chance!

Tomáš Chorý mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Tyler Adams plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Sipho Chaine plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

Tyler Adams is telling anyone who will listen about the nutmeg {he} put on their centre-half. "Did you see his face? Mate, he looked like he had seen a ghost!" Tomáš Chorý adds: "The poor lad is probably still turning." The gaffer lets the banter flow. Happy dressing room, happy results. Roommates on away trips confirm Angelo Preciado sleepwalks to the hotel minibar and eats all the Pringles unconsciously. At 28, the lad has no memory of it and denies the crumb evidence every single time. And now, our TV game show Homes Under the Hammer Price! To win a doorknob from a house that needed a lot of work, text 0800FIXER and answer: 'What does a lot of potential mean in estate agent language?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Tyler Adams high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

Last roll of the dice, legs are gone but the belief is still there. Right-footed cross from Stephen Eustáquio, the ball bends beautifully into the box and seeks out Patrick Andrade. Patrick Andrade crosses too far from the target, the ball drifts towards the opposite touchline. Authoritative clearance from Aymeric Laporte in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards.

The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. Clumsy challenge from Stephen Eustáquio, stands on the opponent's foot. Unintentional but still a foul. Stephen Eustáquio pretends to strike and lays it off to Patrick Andrade, well worked short free kick. Patrick Andrade takes on his man with a sharp turn, one touch and it is done. Clean. JUST WIIIIIDE from Patrick Andrade! Right idea but it slides past the far post by inches.

Crunching tackle by Aymeric Laporte on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it. Aymeric Laporte picks out Dylan Bronn with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Dylan Bronn eliminates his opponent with a short piece of skill, absolutely surgical. Dylan Bronn pulls the opponent back as he tries to break. Cynical but necessary. Dylan Bronn finally goes into the book. Third foul, the ref had enough of it.

Intense pressing, the defender panics and lumps it anywhere. Lovely interception from Dylan Bronn, he anticipated the movement and cut off the pass before it reached its target. Dylan Bronn opens up to Angelo Preciado on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Textbook tackle from Angelo Preciado there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted.

Tackle miles off from Raúl Jiménez, absolutely done in by the attacker's quick feet. Sipho Chaine grazes the leather with his fingertips and turns it over! World class goalkeeping. The corner from Angelo Preciado is met by a defender who volleys it out for a throw-in.

Quick exchange between Aymeric Laporte and Tomáš Chorý, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Tomáš Chorý spots the gap and sends Stephen Eustáquio into it with a perfectly weighted pass. The channel is wide open. Stephen Eustáquio sets it for Aymeric Laporte, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Aymeric Laporte slips Dylan Bronn in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever.

Angelo Preciado lights the fuse with a cutting pass for Dylan Bronn down the channel. The defence is caught cold, it is over for them. Flag up! Dylan Bronn was beyond the last man when Aymeric Laporte released the pass. Raúl Jiménez scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive.

It's over and we've won it! Tyler Adams grabs the corner flag and plants it at the centre spot like he's claiming new territory. Patrick Andrade pretends to salute. The fans are in absolute stitches. The manager pretends to be annoyed but you can see him smirking. Top, top scenes. Pauline from Wakefield says a lot of potential means the roof is missing and there may be foxes living in the bathroom. Doorknob for Pauline! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

2-1 (W)

Beautiful distribution from Sipho Chaine to Aymeric Laporte, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. The opponent beats Aymeric Laporte to the near post and wins the header. Aymeric Laporte was caught on his heels. What a DOWNWARD header from Jurriën Timber! Sumptuous header on the cross from Tomáš Chorý, the ball dies in the bottom corner. GOAL!

Sipho Chaine stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Dylan Bronn comes over and hugs him without a word.

Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Patrick Andrade reads the movement from Stephen Eustáquio and puts the ball right into the pocket of space. Game intelligence off the charts. OHHH the GOAL from Stephen Eustáquio! On the gift from Tomáš Chorý, he opens up his foot and sends the ball to the far post. SUMPTUOUS!

Patrick Andrade stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Angelo Preciado follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Sipho Chaine plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end. Stephen Eustáquio shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for Patrick Andrade. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces. Patrick Andrade looks for Aymeric Laporte but the pass is way too long, that is going out for a throw-in.

Rapid break, the defenders are still trying to find their marks. Daichi Kamada hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust. Daichi Kamada loses the ball trying to dribble, the defender was the smarter of the two. Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered.

It's a goal for Dakar Teranga FC! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

The gaffer strolls into the dressing room with a grin wider than the Stretford End. Patrick Andrade is sprawled on the bench like {he} just won the pools. "More of the same, lads, more of the same," says the boss, tapping the tactics board once for emphasis. Someone chucks a towel at Raúl Jiménez and the whole room erupts. Proper buzzing in here. We can confirm that Sipho Chaine owns a caravan called 'The Palace' which is parked permanently in a field near Whitby. It has no running water, a portable telly, and a signed photo of Peter Crouch. At 180, he can barely stand up inside it. And now, our TV game show Tipping Pointless! To win a B&Q gift card worth exactly one paintbrush, text 0800DIY and answer: 'How many trips to B&Q does it take to finish a single shelf?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Angelo Preciado leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Daichi Kamada launches it to Stephen Eustáquio on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality. What a ball from Aymeric Laporte! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and Patrick Andrade is away on his own. That is velvet. Patrick Andrade bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket.

Raúl Jiménez triggers a change of flanks for Patrick Andrade, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Aerial duel won by Patrick Andrade, he outmuscles his opponent in the air. Aerial power is his bread and butter. Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end. SHOOOOOT from Raúl Jiménez, it's heading for the corner but the keeper gets across and tips it wide!

Free kick from Tyler Adams played as a cross, Stephen Eustáquio positions himself at the far post. Aerial duel lost by Stephen Eustáquio, he misjudged the flight of the ball and the opponent pounced. COLOSSAL save from Sipho Chaine! The keeper reacted in a split second on that thunderbolt.

Rapid combination: Tomáš Chorý to Daichi Kamada, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Daichi Kamada spreads the play and finds Tyler Adams in a motorway on the left flank. The defence is stretched thin. Tyler Adams plays it simple to Patrick Andrade, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Patrick Andrade puts it right into the feet of Tomáš Chorý, one touch and away. Silky stuff.

Tyler Adams spreads it to Dylan Bronn, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Dylan Bronn tries the power drive and BOOOOM! On target but the keeper gets down and blocks. Saved! Corner from Dylan Bronn, good delivery but the defence reads it well and clears.

Sipho Chaine launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Aymeric Laporte after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. One touch football: Aymeric Laporte to Tomáš Chorý, faster than the opposition can think. Tomáš Chorý gifts Angelo Preciado a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal.

Get in! Aymeric Laporte and Tyler Adams do the customary shirt swap with a couple of Dakar Teranga FC players — handshakes, mutual respect, the lot. Then Aymeric Laporte turns to the home end and cups his ears. The roar nearly takes the roof off. Pub's gonna be lively tonight. Steve from Sunderland says at least seven trips and that's before you realize you bought the wrong screws. The gift card is his! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

2-2 (L)

Blistering solo run from Tomáš Chorý, he covers sixty yards on his own, beating three defenders. PENALTY for Tomáš Chorý! He enters the box, the defender brings him down and the referee points to the spot! No DOUBT about it, it is a penalty. The pressure is ENORMOUS. GOOOAL! Tomáš Chorý sends the penalty in with a POWERFUL and PRECISE strike! The keeper was beaten. CONVERTED!

Tomáš Chorý legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Raúl Jiménez tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Ball recovered and they've gone from end to end in the blink of an eye. Patrick Andrade finds the gap and serves Raúl Jiménez in behind the last man. That is three-cushion snooker, that is. Delicate lob from Raúl Jiménez, the ball floats over the keeper and dies in the back of the net. ABSOLUTE class, that is Panenka in open play.

Stephen Eustáquio does not fancy the shot and goes short to Aymeric Laporte, trying to disorganise the defence. Aymeric Laporte beats his man with a sharp outside cut, the skill is absolutely effortless. Aymeric Laporte rolls it to Tomáš Chorý, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. The one-two between Tomáš Chorý and Daichi Kamada blows the defensive block apart. Give, run, return, done. Clinical.

Oh it's gone in! Douala Makossa-Corner find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

'I told you so' mode. Sipho Chaine eyeballs the Douala Makossa-Corner bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Patrick Andrade pulls Sipho Chaine away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking. Tyler Adams takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race. Lob from Tyler Adams over the entire defence, Angelo Preciado finds himself in acres of space. Everything is on. Lovely take from Sipho Chaine! He comes off his line and claims the cross, clean as a whistle. Short restart from Sipho Chaine to Aymeric Laporte, building from the back nice and tidy.

Tactical debate in the corner. Dylan Bronn wants to push higher. Tomáš Chorý reckons they will get done on the counter. The gaffer listens to both, arms folded, then makes the call: "We push up. Tomáš Chorý, you cover. If they break, you are the last man. No arguments." The room goes quiet. Orders received. A cracking detail — Dylan Bronn, standing at 185, once tried to fix a leaky tap in the dressing room and flooded the entire physio area. He blamed the water pressure, which is the most British excuse anyone has ever given for anything. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 9494 and answer this question: 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Tyler Adams is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Tyler Adams delivers a tidy ball to Raúl Jiménez, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Strike from Raúl Jiménez that thuds into the defensive wall. The defender threw himself in without fear. Dylan Bronn sends the corner in but a defender gets there first and heads it out for a throw. Jurriën Timber absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime.

Firm pass from Tomáš Chorý into Dylan Bronn, right into the boots. No waste. Dylan Bronn turns the game on its head with one razor-sharp pass for Jurriën Timber. The defence did not even have time to blink. Offside against Jurriën Timber! But that is so tight it's almost criminal! Stephen Eustáquio is beside himself. Tidy restart from Sipho Chaine along the deck to Dylan Bronn, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Dylan Bronn shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class.

Patrick Andrade chips his cross over the back line, Aymeric Laporte is at the far post, free as a bird. Aymeric Laporte goes for goal of the season with the volley and it flies over. The stadium applauds anyway, that was special. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions.

Raúl Jiménez finds Aymeric Laporte between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Aymeric Laporte switches the play to Dylan Bronn on the far side, superb crossfield ball! Dylan Bronn dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution. Dylan Bronn goes into bullet-train mode and drives the length of the pitch. That is breathtaking.

Intense pressing from Patrick Andrade, he wins the ball back thirty yards from goal. Patrick Andrade shakes off the defender with a sharp cut, the path is clear. SHOOOOT from Patrick Andrade... just wide! Shaves the post, so close to going in.

GOAL! Douala Makossa-Corner have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

'I told you so' mode. Sipho Chaine eyeballs the Douala Makossa-Corner bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Patrick Andrade pulls Sipho Chaine away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

That is a tackle of the highest order from Angelo Preciado. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic. What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. What a hit from Tomáš Chorý! Absolute ROCKEEEET, on target but the keeper somehow claws it away!

Draw. Tomáš Chorý takes the time to shake every Douala Makossa-Corner player's hand, one by one — old habit, old manners. Raúl Jiménez follows suit. The screens show the stats: possession 50, shots on target 4 each. Perfect mirror. Neither side deserved more. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?'. The answer was of course 900 degrees Celsius, which is why the British stare at the floor numbers with such intensity. Maureen wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

2-2 (L)

Tomáš Chorý plays the simple ball to Jurriën Timber, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Jurriën Timber pulls it back along the ground for Tomáš Chorý, that is the perfect cut-back! GOOOOOAL for Tomáš Chorý! On the genius pass from Tyler Adams, he beats the keeper with a placed finish, MAGNIFICENT!

Tomáš Chorý climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Raúl Jiménez films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Step-overs from Stephen Eustáquio followed by an explosion of pace, the defender buys the feint and eats the dust. Stephen Eustáquio treats himself! He beats half the opposition team and finishes on his own, GOAL!

Stephen Eustáquio stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Tyler Adams comes over and hugs him without a word.

Tyler Adams delivers an inswinging free kick, Tomáš Chorý at the back post tries to get on the end of it. Header from Tomáš Chorý, he did everything right except the finish! It goes wide, the keeper thanks the woodwork. Patrick Andrade hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! Dylan Bronn wins his aerial duel with fierce determination, he outmuscles the attacker and comes away with possession.

Defensive organization is perfect, the opposition hits a brick wall. Brilliant tackle from Angelo Preciado! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending. Little shift from Angelo Preciado to Stephen Eustáquio, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Ball over the top from Stephen Eustáquio, Tyler Adams had timed the run half a second early and the timing is perfection.

We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. The ball pings around but the defenders are barely breaking sweat. Raúl Jiménez gives it to Daichi Kamada into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. It falls apart for Daichi Kamada, the pass goes the wrong way entirely, the opponent recovers and starts again.

"Sixty-two percent possession and not a single clear chance. You are passing it around like a game of piggy in the middle!" The gaffer slams the stats sheet on the table. Sipho Chaine winces. Aymeric Laporte looks away. Something has got to change and everyone in this room knows it. Stephen Eustáquio once tweeted 'rate my Sunday roast' and the entire internet destroyed the 30-year-old for putting the Yorkshire puddings on a separate plate. The tweet was deleted within eleven minutes. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 5555 and answer this question: 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Tyler Adams sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

Jurriën Timber produces a sensational tackle in the box, wins the ball, no penalty shout. That takes serious courage. Fast break, one-touch football, they've cut them to ribbons. Stephen Eustáquio powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated. Stephen Eustáquio floats a cross in from the wing for Aymeric Laporte, the ball hangs in the box!

Oh that's terrible! Lagos No-Carry-Last score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

Daichi Kamada changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Angelo Preciado. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Magnificent leap from Angelo Preciado who dominates the aerial duel. When he takes off like that, nobody stands a chance. They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. Tyler Adams picks it up and goes coast to coast like a man possessed. Nobody is stopping him.

Tyler Adams delivers, it's a scramble! The ball ricochets off shins and heads, defense finally boots it away! Patrick Andrade hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match. Groans from the stands, this possession is going nowhere. Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill. They've grabbed the game by the scruff of the neck now.

Sipho Chaine throws it out quickly to Tomáš Chorý, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Diagonal from Tomáš Chorý to Stephen Eustáquio, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Good run from Stephen Eustáquio who crosses to the near post for Angelo Preciado. The defender is beaten to it.

GOAL! Lagos No-Carry-Last have netted! Their forward pounced on the loose ball. Clinical.

Sipho Chaine runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Raúl Jiménez joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

The corner from Patrick Andrade is claimed by a defender at the near post, nothing comes of it. Jurriën Timber heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one. Jurriën Timber looks up and launches a long pass towards Dylan Bronn. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Lay-off from Dylan Bronn to Patrick Andrade, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Fantastic high recovery from Patrick Andrade, he sprinted twenty yards to go and rip the ball away. The effort is immense.

1-1. Tomáš Chorý and Patrick Andrade are the last two off the pitch, as ever. The stadium is nearly empty, a groundsman is starting to fold up the advertising boards. "Next time," says Tomáš Chorý. "Next time," replies Patrick Andrade. And they vanish into the tunnel. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Gerald Musty-Carpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?'. The answer was of course the M42, originally called the Badger's Lament until the council shortened it. Gerald wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

3-2 (W)

Tomáš Chorý tears into the opposition build-up, running everywhere, and ends up stealing the ball. That man is a guard dog. Tomáš Chorý follows up the play perfectly on the strike from Stephen Eustáquio! The keeper parries, he prods it in. GOAL!

Tomáš Chorý fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. Daichi Kamada plays the medic running in. Sipho Chaine plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

Angelo Preciado sees everything, understands everything, and intercepts at the perfect moment. That is the kind of player who makes a team unbeatable. Absolute peach from Angelo Preciado, threading it through for Stephen Eustáquio, the centre-halves are done for! GOOOAL for Stephen Eustáquio! He read the trajectory and slides the ball past the keeper. STRIKER'S goal!

Jurriën Timber with the last-ditch tackle, gets every bit of the ball and none of the man. The ref's happy, we're happy. Solo charge from Jurriën Timber, he sets off from midfield and arrives in the opposition box. GOAL! What a LOB from Jurriën Timber! On the pass from Stephen Eustáquio, he spots the keeper off his line and chips it with the TOP of his foot. The ball drops just on the line and goes in. CLASSY!

Jurriën Timber spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Raúl Jiménez gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Corner from Tyler Adams into the danger area but a defender heads it away, dealt with. Magnificent reading of the game from Aymeric Laporte, he intercepts between the lines and launches the counter. That kind of action turns a match on its head. Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart.

Raúl Jiménez drops a lofted ball to Stephen Eustáquio, it sails over the entire midfield line. Stephen Eustáquio lofts a cross into the box, Raúl Jiménez is there, sandwiched between two defenders, ready to pounce. Raúl Jiménez rises above his marker and wins the header! He got up higher than everyone.

The boss pulls Daichi Kamada aside: "You have been absolutely magnificent out there, mate. 30 years old and running the show like you own the place. Keep doing what you are doing." Daichi Kamada just nods, half-smile on {his} face, the quiet confidence of someone who knows {he} is having a blinder. We can exclusively reveal that Tomáš Chorý, standing 200, owns a pair of lucky pants that he's worn under his kit for three consecutive seasons. They're held together by hope and a single thread, but the results speak for themselves. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Be a Milliner! To win a Primark bag full of reduced Percy Pigs from M&S, text 0800PORK and answer: 'How many Percy Pigs can you fit in a shopping trolley?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Daichi Kamada sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

What a mess! Barranquilla Toque-Toque capitalise on that blunder. We are our own worst enemy.

Sipho Chaine fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. Raúl Jiménez plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

Angelo Preciado refuses to give up, sprints all the way back and arrives just in time to make the tackle. Angelo Preciado commits the tactical foul without hesitation. The bench nods in approval. Angelo Preciado picks up a yellow card for a clinical foul. Stopped the danger, paid the price. Angelo Preciado tries the free kick but the wall is well positioned and blocks it. That's that. The corner from Patrick Andrade comes to nothing, the defence clears at the first post.

Stunning tackle by Angelo Preciado in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. Transition play in overdrive, they're at the edge of the box already. Stephen Eustáquio puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins. Stephen Eustáquio reaches the byline and cuts it back for Raúl Jiménez arriving from the second wave.

Nightmare! Barranquilla Toque-Toque score! That goal was coming, we've been under the cosh.

Sipho Chaine dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

The team in a low block is impenetrable, every cross dealt with. Huge tackle from Angelo Preciado! Went through the back door and nicked the ball before the striker could get his shot away. Wicked through ball from Angelo Preciado, the ball skims the grass and finds Aymeric Laporte who had set off before anyone else even noticed. Aymeric Laporte rifles one in, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper comes up big. Corner to the attacking side.

Sipho Chaine distributes short to Patrick Andrade, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Smooth transition from Patrick Andrade to Angelo Preciado, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Angelo Preciado drops the defender with a fake shot. Clever as you like.

The free kick from Tyler Adams is a dangerous one, Tomáš Chorý meets it on the volley inside the six-yard box. Tomáš Chorý loses his duel in the air on the cross, the opponent got better positioning. SAVE from Sipho Chaine! The attacker had a go but the keeper produced a MONUMENTAL hand.

What a result against Barranquilla Toque-Toque! Sipho Chaine walks over to the travelling support, puts his hand on his heart, and bows. Angelo Preciado follows and throws his boots into the crowd. Some lad in row G is going home with a size 9 souvenir. Scenes. Sharon from Basildon says two hundred and six Percy Pigs, which she verified personally last Saturday. Primark bag and all, she's the winner! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-1 (L)

The ball from Aymeric Laporte rips through the defensive curtain, Angelo Preciado is flying into the space like an arrow. Angelo Preciado looks at the keeper, sees the angle, and places his shot! It is in, IT IS A GREAT GOAL!

Aymeric Laporte mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Tyler Adams raises Aymeric Laporte's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Sipho Chaine plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

Aymeric Laporte clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive. Foul by Patrick Andrade, he had to make that challenge to stop the break. Tactical.

Blistering run from Daichi Kamada on the wing, the defender is chasing but never catches up. Daichi Kamada dives in the penalty area, hoping to con the referee. Not today, son. Daichi Kamada booked for simulation, he was looking for a penalty and found a yellow card instead. Daichi Kamada plays a low free kick into the box, Patrick Andrade cuts across to meet it in front of goal.

Sipho Chaine hoofs it forward towards Raúl Jiménez, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Wing switch from Raúl Jiménez, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Jurriën Timber brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Cross from Jurriën Timber, he puts it on the far post for Aymeric Laporte. Aymeric Laporte tries a powerful cross but the defender is there and blocks everything.

No let-up now, balls raining into the penalty area nonstop. Everything on the line, Sipho Chaine is up, nothing to lose now. What a leap from Jurriën Timber! He rises above the lot and wins the header with royal composure. Jurriën Timber slides it to Aymeric Laporte, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

The dressing room is silent apart from the fizz of isotonic drinks being opened and the squeak of boots on tiles. Patrick Andrade is biting {his} nails in the corner. Sipho Chaine stares at the ceiling like it holds the answers to everything. The gaffer lets the silence do its work before delivering his half-time talk. Aymeric Laporte once tweeted 'rate my Sunday roast' and the entire internet destroyed the 32-year-old for putting the Yorkshire puddings on a separate plate. The tweet was deleted within eleven minutes. And now, our TV game show Bargain Hunt for Socks! To win a multipack of sensible socks from Primark, text 0800SOCK and answer: 'How many odd socks does the average British household have at any given time?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Tomáš Chorý leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Dylan Bronn lays it off first time to Patrick Andrade, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Patrick Andrade keeps it short to Stephen Eustáquio, no frills, just good football intelligence. Stephen Eustáquio takes on the defender in tight quarters and comes out on top. Pure talent. Stephen Eustáquio tries to dribble in too tight a space and gets the ball nicked off him.

What a SHAMBLES in the box after Daichi Kamada's corner! Bodies everywhere, somehow the defense holds! Dylan Bronn boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there. Sterile football, looks like a testimonial out there.

Dylan Bronn launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. Emergency clearance from Dylan Bronn, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe. Raúl Jiménez tries to get up for the duel but the attacker beats him to the header. The timing was off. Jurriën Timber sends a furious header but the ball sails over the bar. So close yet so far.

Unbelievable! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa score from nowhere. Their striker just smashed it in.

Tyler Adams bounces off Dylan Bronn, gets it back in stride, and it is done. The kind of combination that makes football beautiful. One laser pass from Tyler Adams and the entire defence is eliminated, Patrick Andrade is through on goal. The space is enormous. Patrick Andrade is given offside by the width of a bootlace, Angelo Preciado is shaking his head. Short distribution from Sipho Chaine to Tyler Adams, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. Aerial duel won by Tyler Adams, he absolutely dominates in the air against the defender.

Angelo Preciado reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. Sideways ball from Angelo Preciado to Raúl Jiménez, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Raúl Jiménez looks for Tomáš Chorý with a ball in behind but it is massively overhit. The opposition keeper collects without moving. They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass.

Draw against Montevideo Garra-Charrúa. Raúl Jiménez kisses the club badge as he passes the home end — a gesture for the fans, regardless. Dylan Bronn does the same. The squad stays tight, the season rolls on. Nights like this, you close ranks. Janet from Wolverhampton says twenty-three odd socks at minimum and that's a conservative estimate. Primark multipack for Janet! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

2-2 (L)

GOAAAL! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío make it count! Sliced through us like a hot knife through butter.

Sipho Chaine kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Patrick Andrade takes a knee behind him. Sipho Chaine raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Wall combination between Angelo Preciado and Tomáš Chorý, fluid, rapid, and it creates an overload going forward. GOOOOL from Angelo Preciado! Massive right-footed strike, the ball almost rips the net off. GOOOOAL!

Angelo Preciado legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Tomáš Chorý tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Disaster! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

Quick one-two between Aymeric Laporte and Daichi Kamada, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Low cut-back from Daichi Kamada, Stephen Eustáquio arrives at pace and can hit it first time. Stephen Eustáquio winds up and FIIIIRES! Placed strike, the ball slides into the bottom corner, OPENING GOAAAAL!

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment Aymeric Laporte strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. Raúl Jiménez points at it, jaw on the floor. Sipho Chaine shakes his head, not believing it.

Rainbow flick from Tomáš Chorý, he clips the ball over the defender with his heel. The crowd erupts. Lovely use of the ball by Tomáš Chorý, finding Daichi Kamada in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Shifting pass from Daichi Kamada to Patrick Andrade, the ball drifts into the free zone and Patrick Andrade is onto it in two strides.

Studious atmosphere in the dressing room. The coach has his tablet out, replaying clips: "Look, Angelo Preciado, there is acres of space on the overlap and you go back inside every time. Use the width." Angelo Preciado takes the note. The game is there for the taking if they can just find the key. Quite remarkable — Daichi Kamada got into a heated argument at a car boot sale over a secondhand George Foreman grill. Apparently he haggled for twenty minutes, paid three quid, and considers it the greatest negotiation of his career. The man is 30 years old. And now, our TV game show Taskmaster of the Obvious! To win a laminated bus timetable from 2019, text 4678 and answer: 'How early should you arrive at a bus stop to guarantee the bus has already left?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Dylan Bronn is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Tight-knit defense, compact shape, the opposition has to shoot from distance. They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. Powerful run from Stephen Eustáquio down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there. Stephen Eustáquio looks up and swings in a floated cross, Raúl Jiménez rises among the defenders. Cross from Raúl Jiménez far too long, the ball flies through the entire box without finding anyone.

Ball stolen and released forward, it's an absolute rocket of a counter. Overlap from Patrick Andrade on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed. Neat lay-off from Patrick Andrade for Jurriën Timber in the box, the ball is on a plate, clean as a whistle. Jurriën Timber unleashes an ABSOLUUUUTE CANNON! On target but the keeper gets a strong hand to it. Corner.

Line-breaking pass from Stephen Eustáquio! The ball slices through the centre-halves and Tomáš Chorý picks it up at full pace. Devastating. Tomáš Chorý thought he'd timed it perfectly, but the linesman disagrees. Offside on Jurriën Timber's pass. Sipho Chaine goes long for Dylan Bronn, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Dylan Bronn sniffs out the danger and produces a wonderfully timed challenge. Not a hint of a foul.

The corner from Daichi Kamada is cut out at the near post by a defender, no danger. Monumental ball from Raúl Jiménez to Jurriën Timber, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Overlap from Jurriën Timber with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel. The dribble from Jurriën Timber fools nobody, the defender collects comfortably. Classy interception from Raúl Jiménez, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time.

Angelo Preciado sees the gap and puts the ball right through it. Tomáš Chorý is racing into the channel, the defence is watching the train leave the station. Tomáš Chorý is flagged and it's the tightest of calls, Angelo Preciado's pass was beautifully weighted too. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare. Angelo Preciado feeds Dylan Bronn in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling.

Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. Majestic individual run from Daichi Kamada, he cuts through the pitch like an arrow. Daichi Kamada shapes up and hits it, just wide but it grazed the bar. The technique was there, the finish just wasn't. Sipho Chaine distributes by hand to Raúl Jiménez on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Raúl Jiménez wins the aerial battle against the attacker, he jumped earlier, higher, and stronger. Total domination.

Patrick Andrade pings a long diagonal to Dylan Bronn, completely shifts the point of attack. Magnificent shift from Dylan Bronn! Aymeric Laporte picks it up in space, no marker in sight, the pitch is his. Aymeric Laporte takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race. Cut-back from Aymeric Laporte, the ball zips across the box at ground level to Patrick Andrade.

Points shared. Tyler Adams sits on the grass for a full minute, staring up at the floodlights. Stephen Eustáquio crouches beside him: "Come on mate, let's get inside. Tuesday's another game." Long season. Draws happen. Nobody's thrilled, nobody's devastated. Leonard from Barnsley says fifteen minutes early guarantees the bus left fourteen minutes ago. Laminated timetable for Leonard! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

2-1 (W)

Absolutely immense from Aymeric Laporte! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back. Lightning counter, striker's away on his bike and the defence is chasing shadows. GOOOAL! Patrick Andrade onto the pass from Raúl Jiménez produces a lob for the AGES! The keeper is beaten through the air, the ball descends slowly and nestles in the net. BEAUTIFUL, GRAND, MAGNIFICENT!

Aymeric Laporte runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Tyler Adams gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

High recovery from Tyler Adams, he ran himself into the ground to go and win that ball. The defender never saw him coming. Possession flipped in a heartbeat, textbook transition football. GOOOOOAL! Raúl Jiménez turns into a FOX in the box! The ball was loose, he prods it in, simple as that!

Monster clearance from Sipho Chaine, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Raúl Jiménez. Aerial duel lost by Raúl Jiménez, he was nudged in the back and could not get a proper jump in. Sipho Chaine stretches horizontally and tips the shot away with an extended arm. Cat-like! Corner from Daichi Kamada, header from Raúl Jiménez at the penalty spot but it is off target. He should have scored.

Patrick Andrade pulls out a backheel nutmeg in open play, the ball goes through the defender's legs with the heel. WOOOW Patrick Andrade launches a missile! On target, the ball is fizzing but the keeper tips it around the post!

Oh the keeper comes out and misses Stephen Eustáquio's corner! Scramble on the line, a defender hacks it away! Almighty boot from Tomáš Chorý who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe. Frustration boiling over in the stands, going in circles for ten minutes. Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. The away end has gone ominously quiet, this side is on top now.

Sipho Chaine is planning the celebration already. "If I score in the second half, I am doing the knee slide right in front of their lot," {he} tells Angelo Preciado, who replies: "Last time you tried that you pulled your hamstring." The dressing room erupts. The gaffer shakes his head. "Just score the goal, we will worry about the celebration later." Now this is properly British — Daichi Kamada once spent an entire bank holiday Monday sitting in a car park in the rain, eating a Cornish pasty and listening to TalkSport. When asked why, he simply said 'because it's a bank holiday.' The lad is 30 and gets it. And now, our TV game show Motorway Service Station Bingo! To win a Costa loyalty card with one stamp, text 4567 and answer: 'What is the minimum price of a sandwich at a motorway services?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Tomáš Chorý wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

Angelo Preciado launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out. Royal interception from Aymeric Laporte! He positions himself in the passing corridor and plucks the ball out of thin air. Massive clearance from Aymeric Laporte, just get the ball as far away as possible. The opposition defenders could grab a brew, nothing is happening.

Superb defensive work from Angelo Preciado there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal. Tomáš Chorý tries the curler... it bends beautifully but slides just past the post. AGONISING. The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. They're turning this into a siege, the keeper's going to be busy.

Daichi Kamada gives it to Tyler Adams who returns it first time, Daichi Kamada ghosts past his man like he does not exist. Daichi Kamada accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides. Foul by Daichi Kamada in the middle of the park, breaks up a promising move. Daichi Kamada combines with Stephen Eustáquio from the free kick, the little pass takes the wall out of the equation.

It's in! Rio Malandro FC take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

Sipho Chaine and Jurriën Timber do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Sipho Chaine arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

Daichi Kamada plants his studs on the attacker's ankle. That's as bad as it gets. Booking for Daichi Kamada. Went in high with the forearm, the opponent felt that. Free kick swung in by Daichi Kamada, the ball travels across the six-yard box and Tyler Adams is lurking. Aerial duel won by Tyler Adams in his own box. He took the lift to the top floor and cleaned up everything.

Sipho Chaine rolls it short to Daichi Kamada into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. With one swing of the boot, Daichi Kamada finds Tomáš Chorý on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. Tomáš Chorý delivers a tidy ball to Raúl Jiménez, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work.

Full time, full joy! Daichi Kamada walks the entire touchline high-fiving every fan who leans over the barrier. Jurriën Timber carries a little kid onto the pitch for a photo — nobody's sure whose kid it is, but everyone's smiling. Rio Malandro FC are yesterday's news. Tony from Warwick says eight pounds fifty for a cheese sandwich the size of a postage stamp. Costa loyalty card for Tony! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

1-2 (L)

Powerful run from Raúl Jiménez, he shrugs off challenges and carries the ball up the pitch. PENALTY! Raúl Jiménez is illegally stopped in the box! The defender tripped him, the referee has no doubt. The stadium is THROBBING, this is the moment of truth! GOOOAL! Raúl Jiménez produces an audacious PANENKA! The ball lobs the keeper and trickles in. What NERVE!

Raúl Jiménez points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. Sipho Chaine comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

Angelo Preciado plays it in, Patrick Andrade lays it back into the run with a cushioned touch, and Angelo Preciado is off again. Magnificent. Perfect low cut-back from Angelo Preciado, the ball slides across the box and Aymeric Laporte just has to finish. WHAT A STOP from Sipho Chaine! The attacker did everything right but the keeper pulled off the impossible. Sipho Chaine opts for the short option to Stephen Eustáquio, keeping possession, building play, no panic. Stephen Eustáquio floats a ball towards Daichi Kamada but it is too short, the opponent picks it off without breaking a sweat.

Angelo Preciado links up with Stephen Eustáquio, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Stephen Eustáquio steps across the opponent and impedes the run. Obstruction. Free kick. The ref shows Stephen Eustáquio yellow. Four fouls in twenty minutes, the card was overdue. Stephen Eustáquio has a go from the free kick but the wall repels it. That's that. Panicked clearance from Tomáš Chorý, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done.

The press from Raúl Jiménez pays off immediately, the defender makes a mess of it and Raúl Jiménez pounces. A forced gift. Telepathic pass from Raúl Jiménez to Aymeric Laporte, like they rehearsed it at breakfast. The ball fizzes in behind the defence. Wasteful from Aymeric Laporte on that pass, the ball does not arrive. Jurriën Timber throws his arms up in frustration. Huge interception from Tyler Adams! He cuts out the pass and drives forward. The kind of action that never shows up in the stats but changes the whole match. Tyler Adams boots the ball as far as he possibly can with an emergency clearance. Zero style, one hundred percent effectiveness.

Dylan Bronn goes to ground and absolutely nails the tackle. Ball won, danger cleared, crowd on their feet. Dylan Bronn goes crossfield to Daichi Kamada, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Lovely quick transition, but the final decision-making is terrible.

The gaffer boots the door open and launches a water bottle across the dressing room. It explodes against the far wall and nobody flinches because they all know they deserve it. "What the bloody hell was that?!" he roars. Patrick Andrade stares at the floor. Angelo Preciado cannot even look up. Absolute shambles. Teammates were gobsmacked when Daichi Kamada revealed a hidden talent for competitive darts. At 30, the lad can hit triple-twenty blindfolded after three pints — Phil Taylor is shaking in his boots. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 4321 and answer this question: 'What is the speed limit for a shopping trolley on the M25?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Aymeric Laporte leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

It's there! Istanbul Cehennem FK hit the back of the net. Our goalkeeper was rooted to the spot.

Raw emotion: Sipho Chaine cracks, falls to his knees sobbing on the turf, Aymeric Laporte crouches beside him and speaks softly. Sipho Chaine jogs over, scoops them both into a hug. The cameras zoom on the trio. Full-on humanity on display.

Stephen Eustáquio unleashes a raking ball out to Dylan Bronn, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Dylan Bronn weights his pass into the space for Daichi Kamada who collects at full pace without breaking stride. Perfection. Daichi Kamada is caught offside from Tomáš Chorý's through ball. Flag goes up straight away. Sipho Chaine plays it short to Daichi Kamada, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Daichi Kamada gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side.

The opposition works around the block without being able to get in. Sipho Chaine closes the angle with his legs and the strike rebounds off him! The keeper is A WALL! Long ball from Sipho Chaine for Tomáš Chorý who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy.

The free kick from Patrick Andrade clears the defence and finds Raúl Jiménez in the danger area. Raúl Jiménez tries to whip one in but it is cleared by a defender who read it all the way. Tough luck.

GOAL! Istanbul Cehennem FK have done the damage! Their number nine wheeled away in celebration.

Sipho Chaine runs to the technical area, kisses the assistant coach's tablet, drops it — it shatters, the analyst goes mental. Daichi Kamada gathers the bits laughing. The gaffer has his head in his hands, half-amused, half-murderous.

Short build-up from Raúl Jiménez to Tyler Adams, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Tyler Adams plays off Daichi Kamada, the return arrives right down the middle and Tyler Adams is free as a bird. Offside against Tyler Adams. Raúl Jiménez spotted the run but the timing was just off. Sipho Chaine takes his time and plays it short to Stephen Eustáquio. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. What positioning from Stephen Eustáquio! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts.

Long kick from Sipho Chaine, Dylan Bronn positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Brilliant switch of play from Dylan Bronn! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Jurriën Timber. Jurriën Timber releases Angelo Preciado with a ball into space on the left. The defence is sliding across but they are too late. Angelo Preciado plays it back across the box for Stephen Eustáquio, the low cross is inch-perfect. Stephen Eustáquio puts in a crunching challenge, all ball, no foul. The attacker's left with absolutely nothing.

Full time and it's a bitter one. Sipho Chaine stands rooted to the spot, hands on hips, staring at nothing. Angelo Preciado walks past and squeezes his shoulder. No words needed. Istanbul Cehennem FK are celebrating twenty yards away but it might as well be another planet. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the speed limit for a shopping trolley on the M25?'. The answer was of course 12 mph, though nobody has ever managed more than 3. Maureen wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

2-1 (W)

Burst of pace from Tyler Adams on the wing, the full-back cannot live with that speed. Tyler Adams pulls it back to the penalty spot for Patrick Andrade, the defence is caught napping. Patrick Andrade touches the ball with incredible softness and sends it into the bottom corner! GOAL, sublime stuff!

Tyler Adams scans the family section, finds them, blows kisses with both hands. His kids are crying on their mum's shoulder. Daichi Kamada is already there for the instagram shot. Scenes that make you remember why you fell for this game.

Tyler Adams powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go. PENALTY awarded! Tyler Adams enters the box with the ball and the defender catches him with a late tackle. The referee is CERTAIN. Every heart in the stadium is RACING! GOOOOL from Tyler Adams! Penalty struck with cannonball power, the keeper is frozen. GOAL!

Tyler Adams mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Raúl Jiménez plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Sipho Chaine plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

GOAL for Milano Piano-Piano! You can't defend like that and expect to get away with it.

Massive punt from Sipho Chaine, sends the ball sixty yards, Raúl Jiménez is scrapping for it up top. Raúl Jiménez rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Dylan Bronn. The far side is completely deserted. Dylan Bronn rises like an eagle and wins the header. The ball is cleared far, the danger is over.

Absolute PANDEMONIUM after Patrick Andrade's corner! Three shots blocked, the defense is under siege! Big clearance from Aymeric Laporte under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line. They're monopolizing the ball but it's all hot air, nothing in the box.

"Get in, lads! That is what I am talking about!" The gaffer punches the air as he comes through the door. Raúl Jiménez stands up and starts a slow clap that builds into full-on applause. Patrick Andrade bangs the lockers in rhythm. The whole dressing room is bouncing like a pub after a last-minute winner. A scouting report from Jurriën Timber's youth days says — and I quote — 'technically raw, but can eat a full Sunday roast in under eight minutes.' That kind of efficiency translates to the pitch. He's now 25 and hasn't slowed down at the dinner table. And now, our TV game show Bake Off the Rails! To win a soggy bottom certificate signed by Paul Hollywood, text 3412 and answer: 'What temperature should you bake a Victoria sponge if your oven only has two settings: warm and volcanic?' Out they come. Raúl Jiménez has changed {his} boots at the break and is already pinging the ball around to get a feel. Business time.

Stephen Eustáquio to Tomáš Chorý, instant return, and Stephen Eustáquio is already three yards further on. The one-two has popped the lock. Stephen Eustáquio picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train. Failed dribble from Stephen Eustáquio, the ball stays at the defender's feet. Poor decision. What a tackle by Patrick Andrade! Times it to perfection, nicks the ball, and the ref waves play on. Outstanding. Instinctive clearance from Patrick Andrade who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day.

Tomáš Chorý skins the defender with a quick shimmy, the opponent will not see the ball again. VAR would have a field day with that. Tomáš Chorý clearly dives, no contact whatsoever. Booking for Tomáš Chorý, cheats never prosper and the ref has made that crystal clear. The wall repels Tomáš Chorý's free kick! Well organised, well jumped, well defended. Tomáš Chorý puts an inswinger in, a defender at the near post does the business and clears.

Individual run from Tomáš Chorý, he sets off from his own half, beats two men and finds himself one on one with the keeper. Tomáš Chorý tries a nutmeg but the defender closes his legs. It has not worked, the ball is gone. Quick transition, three touches and they're through on goal, but the finish lets them down.

Angelo Preciado cleans up with a magnificent sliding tackle, wins possession, and plays it forward. That's the complete defensive action. Angelo Preciado boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go.

That's a beauty from Aymeric Laporte! Slides across the turf and takes the ball off the attacker's boot. Clinical defending. Surging run from Aymeric Laporte from the centre circle, he destroys everything in his path. What a spectacle. Aymeric Laporte tries a step-over but the defender is not buying it and wins the ball. Interception from Stephen Eustáquio who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of Stephen Eustáquio.

That's what it MEANS! Dylan Bronn rips off his shirt and whips it around his head, sprinting toward the corner flag. Sipho Chaine catches up and they collide in a mess of limbs and pure joy. The gaffer's fist-pumping on the touchline. Milano Piano-Piano are done. Absolutely done. Doris from Bakewell says volcanic obviously and Paul Hollywood gave her an approving nod through the telly. Soggy bottom certificate is hers! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-1 (L)

What a disaster! Sevilla Olé-Olé score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

Tyler Adams does not let up and steals the ball right from the defender's feet. Tyler Adams embarks on a mazy solo run from his own half, he beats one, two, three opponents. The LOB! The LOOOB! Tyler Adams chips the ball and lobs the keeper with a DIVINE touch! The ball makes a perfect arc and settles into the goal. SUMPTUOUS!

Solidarity move: Tyler Adams grabs Patrick Andrade who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Patrick Andrade a standing ovation right through to the restart.

Jurriën Timber thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work. Sipho Chaine plays it along the ground to Angelo Preciado, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. Angelo Preciado takes off and beats everyone to the header. Nobody can compete with him in the air. Burst of speed from Angelo Preciado, he devours the left flank in a matter of seconds. Impressive.

What a mess after Tyler Adams's corner! The keeper flaps, the ball drops, a defender scrambles it away! Lifesaving clearance from Tomáš Chorý! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters. They're knocking it about without finding any way through, plenty of possession but nothing to show for it. Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative. They're cranking it up a gear, the pressure is well and truly on.

Tomáš Chorý swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Raúl Jiménez, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Raúl Jiménez burns past his man with a sudden burst of acceleration, the defender is left standing. Silly ball loss from Raúl Jiménez, the dribble was one too many in that area. Cracking counter, they've knifed through the middle at full tilt.

Studious atmosphere in the dressing room. The coach has his tablet out, replaying clips: "Look, Tomáš Chorý, there is acres of space on the overlap and you go back inside every time. Use the width." Tomáš Chorý takes the note. The game is there for the taking if they can just find the key. Unconfirmed reports suggest Dylan Bronn received a lifetime ban from a Wetherspoons in Croydon after an incident involving a quiz machine and a pint of Doom Bar. The 31-year-old denies everything. And now, our TV game show QI: Quite Irrelevant! To win a Thermos flask and a waterproof hat, text 5012 and answer: 'How many different words do British people have for light rain?' Whistle. Ball. Movement. Sipho Chaine is on it from the very first second, demanding the pass, pointing, shouting. The longest forty-five minutes of the evening start now.

High recovery from Stephen Eustáquio, he forced the error by hounding the carrier relentlessly. The kind of effort that the stats do not show but that wins football matches. Stephen Eustáquio bamboozles the defender with a feint, leaves him chasing shadows. CRAAACKER from Stephen Eustáquio outside the box! Grazes the post and goes out for a goal kick. So close... Sipho Chaine lumps it long towards Jurriën Timber, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done.

Daichi Kamada nicks the ball off the opposition forty yards from goal. The pressing intensity is suffocating for the defence. Quick break, the counter is executed with surgical precision. Stephen Eustáquio overlaps on the wing with frightening ease, the defender is made to look silly.

Killer ball from Dylan Bronn through the gap! Tyler Adams bursts in, the centre-backs are split wide open. This is top-drawer stuff. Tyler Adams picks his spot and SHOOTS! Wide of the near post, genuinely not far off. Sipho Chaine boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Daichi Kamada! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Daichi Kamada slips Tyler Adams in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Tyler Adams gives the defender not a single second on the ball and wins possession. Pressing is a state of mind, and Tyler Adams has it running through his veins.

Sipho Chaine fires it out quickly by hand to Angelo Preciado, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart. Incredible burst of pace from Angelo Preciado, he eats up the ground in just a few strides.

Great vision from Tyler Adams who switches to Jurriën Timber. The defence pivots, but they are too late. Jurriën Timber goes up to the heavens and comes back down with the ball. Aerial duel won, total domination, the opposition can pack their bags. Overlap from Jurriën Timber on the left, he bombs towards the byline at full tilt. Pull-back from Jurriën Timber along the ground, Dylan Bronn is in position in the area. Clean as you like. Dylan Bronn fires with his left but the defender intervenes and deflects the shot. The defence holds.

Lovely use of the ball by Daichi Kamada, finding Tyler Adams in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Tyler Adams delivers a tidy ball to Raúl Jiménez, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Nutmeg from Raúl Jiménez, the ball goes through the defender's legs. Get the camera on that. Raúl Jiménez tries one trick too many and loses the ball cheaply. The defender barely had to try.

A draw — that grey zone. Angelo Preciado signs autographs on his way off, a kid hands him a scuffed old ball. Dylan Bronn adds his signature. Kids don't see draws the way grown-ups do. To them it's still magic. That puts things in perspective. Patricia from Norwich says at least thirty-seven words including spitting, mizzle, and a bit damp. Thermos and hat for Patricia! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-1 (L)

Oh no, it's in! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein punish a terrible defensive error. Heads in hands.

Oh what a challenge! Jurriën Timber goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. Transition play at its ruthless best, straight through the heart of the defence. Raúl Jiménez chips the ball OVER the keeper! GOAL! That is the PERFECT touch, the PERFECT timing, the PERFECT trajectory. You cannot do it better, that is GENIUS!

Jurriën Timber runs to the technical area, kisses the assistant coach's tablet, drops it — it shatters, the analyst goes mental. Raúl Jiménez gathers the bits laughing. The gaffer has his head in his hands, half-amused, half-murderous.

Sipho Chaine smashes a volley towards Dylan Bronn, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Crossfield pass from Dylan Bronn to Patrick Andrade, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. Patrick Andrade wins the battle in the air against the attacker, he took the elevator while everyone else took the stairs.

Inch-perfect tackle by Aymeric Laporte, he's taken the ball cleanly and snuffed out the attack. Brilliant defending. Aymeric Laporte throws himself at it and clears the ball just in time, he has saved the furniture with whatever was at hand. Dylan Bronn is outmuscled in the air by his direct opponent, he did not have the spring to match him. Lovely claim from Sipho Chaine! He comes through traffic and gathers without flinching. Top class goalkeeping. Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end.

Daichi Kamada decides to do it all himself, he eats up the ground and wipes out everything in his path. Daichi Kamada loses the ball on the dribble, too greedy in that situation. Counter perfect until the last yard when everything goes haywire.

Dylan Bronn sits at the end of the bench, head in hands. Decent first half but nothing special, and for a player of {his} quality, nothing special is not good enough. Jurriën Timber sits down beside {him}: "Second half, mate. It is coming. Trust me." Dylan Bronn nods but does not look up. The 30-year-old Sipho Chaine reportedly starts every morning by staring out the window with a brew for exactly eleven minutes in complete silence. At 180, the silhouette alone is enough to terrify the postman. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Leave the Roundabout! To win a sat nav that actually understands the Swindon magic roundabout, text 5789 and answer: 'How many times must you go around a roundabout before you are legally allowed to give up and go home?' Second half underway and Angelo Preciado is straight into it, pressing high from the first whistle. No easing into this one. Straight for the jugular.

Angelo Preciado reads the attempted through ball and intercepts in stride. The defence wanted to play it quick, but Angelo Preciado was quicker. Angelo Preciado spots Patrick Andrade in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness. Masterful aerial duel from Patrick Andrade, he gets above everyone and heads it clear. The attacker was left as a spectator. Patrick Andrade is beaten in the air, the opponent came back down with the ball while Patrick Andrade was barely on his way up.

Enormous run from Jurriën Timber to get back! Cuts across the attacker's path and blocks the shot. Heroic. Jurriën Timber brings down the attacker to kill the counter. Cynical, but effective. Jurriën Timber is cautioned for a deliberate trip on the counter-attack. Cold-blooded decision. The wall stops Jurriën Timber's free kick! The defenders didn't budge, solid as a rock. Aymeric Laporte floats his corner in but a defender climbs highest and heads it clear.

Magnificent tackle from Angelo Preciado! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Angelo Preciado gives it to Patrick Andrade into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Patrick Andrade charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible. Short build-up from Patrick Andrade to Aymeric Laporte, playing out from the back, keeping it safe.

Massive clearance from Dylan Bronn in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished. Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. Jurriën Timber spreads it to Tomáš Chorý, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Tomáš Chorý clips the opponent's heels as he turns. Not intentional, but it's a foul.

Raúl Jiménez sends Daichi Kamada into acres of space with a clipped ball over the top. The defence turns, but it is way too late. OHHH Daichi Kamada strikes and it goes just wide! The post was trembling! Flat atmosphere, flat game, everyone looks half asleep. Daichi Kamada fires the ball over to Tomáš Chorý with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book.

The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded. Tomáš Chorý launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Dylan Bronn, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully. Dominant header from Dylan Bronn on the corner, he outmuscles his marker and wins the aerial duel. The ground shakes. Dylan Bronn plays it simple to Patrick Andrade, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

Points shared. Angelo Preciado sits on the grass for a full minute, staring up at the floodlights. Jurriën Timber crouches beside him: "Come on mate, let's get inside. Tuesday's another game." Long season. Draws happen. Nobody's thrilled, nobody's devastated. Norman from Swindon says three full rotations is the legal maximum and after that you must simply accept your fate. Sat nav for Norman! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

3-2 (W)

Tactical foul by Angelo Preciado, he wraps his arms around the opponent and stops the break dead. Angelo Preciado picks up a deserved yellow. He fouled deliberately to prevent a three-on-two. What TECHNIQUE from Angelo Preciado! Free kick curled to perfection, the ball dies in the far top corner. GOAL!

Angelo Preciado kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Aymeric Laporte takes a knee behind him. Sipho Chaine raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Jurriën Timber senses the pass coming and cuts the trajectory. The opponent is dispossessed without even being touched. That is football at its beautiful best. Jurriën Timber sees what nobody else sees and puts Dylan Bronn through on goal with a genius through ball. GOOOOOAL! Dylan Bronn was THERE where he needed to be, he toes the ball into the empty net. What a fox!

Final knee slide with controlled drift. Jurriën Timber ends up against the hoardings in a fallen angel pose. Tyler Adams leaps over him. Sipho Chaine walks over, shakes his head like an exasperated dad. Stadium oscillating. Pure madness.

Oh that's poor! London Three-Pints score from a set piece. We switched off completely.

Sipho Chaine slides onto his belly right in front of a pitchside photographer and gives him a thumbs up. The bloke takes the most cinematic photo of his career. Aymeric Laporte photobombs from behind. Front pages tomorrow.

High recovery from Stephen Eustáquio after a three-second press. The defender panicked under the pressure and who can blame him. They've broken at pace and the back line is nowhere to be seen. Stephen Eustáquio does the dirty work strikers do! In the scramble, he finds the ball and prods it in. GOAL!

Body feint from Tomáš Chorý, the defender goes the wrong way, that is cruel. Horrific challenge from Tomáš Chorý! He's absolutely clattered the attacker. That's a booking all day long. Booking for Tomáš Chorý. Swung his boot at head height, the opponent had to duck out of the way. The free kick is taken quickly, Tomáš Chorý to Daichi Kamada who drives forward immediately. Short build-up from Daichi Kamada to Jurriën Timber, playing out from the back, keeping it safe.

Stephen Eustáquio has got the Bluetooth speaker going and there is music bouncing off the dressing room walls. Jurriën Timber is doing some kind of dance that looks like a dad at a wedding. The physio is trying to tape up an ankle and cannot stop laughing. The boss shakes his head but does not say a word. Never change a winning formula. Aymeric Laporte has developed a full-blown B&Q addiction, spending every Sunday morning browsing power tools with absolutely no DIY ability. At 32, the lad owns fourteen drills and has never put up a shelf. And now, our TV game show Only Fools and Quizzes! To win a genuine Reliant Robin air freshener, text 3678 and answer: 'In which year did Del Boy last say this time next year we will be millionaires and actually mean it?' The PA announces the restart and the stadium comes alive. Sipho Chaine is already in position, feet planted, shoulders square. Locked and loaded.

Little shift from Patrick Andrade to Angelo Preciado, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll. You can feel the stadium rising, the goal feels like it's coming.

Rapid combination: Tomáš Chorý to Aymeric Laporte, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Aymeric Laporte tries to find Dylan Bronn but it is nowhere near him. Sloppy stuff. Daichi Kamada steals the ball in the passing lanes, that is pure reading of the game, intelligent football at its finest. Daichi Kamada feeds Jurriën Timber in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Jurriën Timber slides it to Angelo Preciado, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

Aymeric Laporte throws himself into the tackle and comes out with the ball. That's pure desire, that is. Firm pass from Aymeric Laporte into Tomáš Chorý, right into the boots. No waste. Lovely use of the ball by Tomáš Chorý, finding Tyler Adams in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Tyler Adams clips the ball into the area with a whipped cross, Raúl Jiménez gets across the near post first. Raúl Jiménez tries to find Tyler Adams with a cross but the defender cuts it out.

It's hit the back of the net! London Three-Pints lead and we look completely lost.

Driven kick from Sipho Chaine to Daichi Kamada, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Change of flanks from Daichi Kamada, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Tomáš Chorý. Tomáš Chorý wins it in the air with terrifying ease. The opponent just got a masterclass in aerial dominance.

Dylan Bronn with a last-gasp tackle that saves the day! Gets everything on the ball and nothing on the man. Heroic stuff. Solo run from Dylan Bronn, he drives up the pitch at full speed, beating everyone in sight. Dylan Bronn puts the ball right into the path of Stephen Eustáquio, played to the inch, the space is found.

Blistering transition, defence caught cold and carved wide open. Shot from Raúl Jiménez, it's wide! Flirted with the post, missing by millimetres. The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever.

FULL TIME! Aymeric Laporte jumps on Sipho Chaine's back for a piggyback ride toward the dugout. The bench erupts. The kitman is doing a jig nobody asked for. London Three-Pints shake hands and disappear, but we're staying. This moment deserves to be savoured. Terry from Peckham says Del Boy has never once meant it and that's the beauty of it all. Enjoy the Reliant Robin air freshener, Terry! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.