My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇦🇺

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

89-133 (L)

Ohhh no. Corner three, Detroit Engine-Roar in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

The association football player puts a shoulder into the ball handler and pays for it. He spends all day being polite to strangers and now he is hacking people for a living. That is number THREE on Lamine Yamal, and we have not even reached the half.

Turnover, layup, Detroit Engine-Roar straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Lamine Yamal sets it and slides out instead of rolling, Cristiano Ronaldo finds him late, and the defense pays for cheating under the screen. Rim, backboard, none of the above from the association football player! Ladies and gentlemen, that is a person with a real job, and we have all just been reminded of it.

The crossover comes, Muggsy Bogues bites hard, and the lane opens up like the front door was left unlocked. Hand check on LeBron James. That is a foul in this league every single time.

Halftime. Lionel Messi's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Confession: Lionel Messi tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. And now, our halftime TV game show The Bachelor of Science! To win a ceramic frog wearing tiny sunglasses and nothing else, text HOOPS to 555-0264 and answer this question: 'How tall would a stack of every whistle ever blown be?' Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.

Cristiano Ronaldo stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. The association football player had two points in the bank and the iron took them right back out. You do not get heartbreak like that in the day job.

More second chance points for Detroit Engine-Roar, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Lionel Messi launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Nobody is getting a hand near that. Cristiano Ronaldo has all the room in the world. Cristiano Ronaldo rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

LeBron James gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Lionel Messi saw it a beat early. The help defender committed way too early, and LeBron James made him pay for it with a spin they will be replaying all week. From WAY downtown! LeBron James launched that one from the parking lot!

LeBron James finds the courtside camera lens, leans all the way in and says absolutely nothing. Just breathes on it. Eight seconds of national television filled by one enormous face. Muggsy Bogues photobombs with crossed eyes, and the clip runs on every highlight show by midnight.

Detroit Engine-Roar again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The association football player just ran that two-man game like he has a decade of film on it. Somebody get this man a contract. Even the association football player knows better than that. You do not get to walk your man into the paint and call it a pick.

Right through the window. Lamine Yamal to Muggsy Bogues on the roll, and the help was a half step late. The gather was clean, the decision after it was not. Muggsy Bogues had a live pivot foot and threw it away for a bounce he did not need.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Detroit Engine-Roar, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Cristiano Ronaldo crosses, crosses back, the defender slides half a step the wrong way and the whole arena lets out the same OHHHH. In, around, and gone. The iron gives Cristiano Ronaldo nothing.

Huddle is tight, marker squeaking on the board, and Cristiano Ronaldo is already nodding before the coach finishes the sentence. Coach spent a timeout on a play for the association football player and it worked to the inch. That is trust you do not fake.

Cristiano Ronaldo and Muggsy Bogues walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. And here is the answer to our game The Bachelor of Science! Bonnie Faye Gulick of Windy Gap, Wyoming, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How tall would a stack of every whistle ever blown be?' The answer was of course tall enough to be a problem for airplanes. Bonnie Faye takes home a ceramic frog wearing tiny sunglasses and nothing else! I learned that Cristiano Ronaldo's father was an association football player. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

89-116 (L)

Dagger from Miami Heart-Attack. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

You can hear that rim ringing from up here, Muggsy Bogues has forced three in a row now and the whole offense has stopped moving. Second-chance points are how you steal games on the road, and Muggsy Bogues has now cleaned up four misses tonight. Second chance points for Muggsy Bogues, tipping his own miss straight back in before his feet ever touched the floor.

Bow to the crowd, a full waist bend with one arm across the stomach, the whole theatrical thing. Muggsy Bogues holds it three seconds. Cristiano Ronaldo applauds behind him like a valet. Somebody in row two throws a bouquet of obviously fake roses onto the floor, and Muggsy Bogues collects every last one.

The association football player just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. Ohhh no. Lionel Messi just walked. In front of everybody.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Lionel Messi makes it every single trip down the floor. A full spin move through traffic from the association football player! Whatever they teach in that trade, footwork is apparently part of it. The association football player launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

Screen, hesitation, delivery, Lamine Yamal drops it off perfectly for Lionel Messi diving to the rim. The association football player tried the teardrop and never got it to the rim. Turns out soft touch does not come standard with that day job.

Players head to the locker room. Cristiano Ronaldo has tape on three fingers. Anecdote: Cristiano Ronaldo slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. And now, our halftime TV game show Wheel of Misfortune! To win a lifetime supply of expired coupons, text HOOPS to 555-0142 and answer this question: 'How many hot dogs fit inside a regulation gym locker if you really commit?' Back on the floor, faces full of determination.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Miami Heart-Attack with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the association football player made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. The association football player misses absolutely everything, and honestly, the nerve to even attempt that shot deserves something. Not points. But something.

Bucket for Miami Heart-Attack. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Working him at the top of the key, low dribble, low dribble, then Cristiano Ronaldo rips it across and his man lunges at a ghost. AROUND the cylinder and OUT! Cristiano Ronaldo cannot believe it, and neither can this building.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Miami Heart-Attack with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Watch the spacing there, Cristiano Ronaldo hits LeBron James right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. OHHHH that is filthy! LeBron James on the handoff and the man guarding it is still fighting over the top. Textbook footwork, textbook release from Cristiano Ronaldo, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

The association football player makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! LeBron James never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! LeBron James beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the association football player, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. OHHHHH HE SNATCHED HIS ANKLES! Lamine Yamal left him on the hardwood and this building is SHAKING! The association football player lines one up from four feet behind the line and the rim rejects the application on the spot. Back to the day job on that possession.

Ball moves. Lionel Messi to Lamine Yamal, on time and on target. Ball into Cristiano Ronaldo at the elbow, Lamine Yamal plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. The association football player just spun through two defenders and reversed that in. Nothing about this is a normal Tuesday!

Cristiano Ronaldo rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Lionel Messi picks up his own and folds it carefully. And here is the answer to our game Wheel of Misfortune! Darlene Puckett of Lower Buttermilk, Kansas, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many hot dogs fit inside a regulation gym locker if you really commit?' The answer was of course four hundred and six, and the coach has never spoken of it since. Darlene takes home a lifetime supply of expired coupons! During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

79-112 (L)

Cold blooded from Orlando Magic-Beans, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

No hero ball here: Lionel Messi takes what the defense gives and moves it along. Oldest play in the book, and Lamine Yamal runs it in his sleep. That drop coverage never had a prayer. Clang. Muggsy Bogues wants that one back.

Dagger from Orlando Magic-Beans. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

You do not put the other team in the bonus this early. Lamine Yamal has to be smarter than contact that never had a chance at the ball. One last reach-in from Lamine Yamal, the whistle blows, and he is already walking before the official even reports it.

Cristiano Ronaldo just took a shoulder to the chest to buy Lamine Yamal half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Lamine Yamal!

Break! Muggsy Bogues grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Locker room anecdote: Muggsy Bogues talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. And now, our halftime TV game show Last Team Standing Around! To win a chest freezer that only reaches room temperature, text HOOPS to 555-1248 and answer this question: 'How loud is a gym after a buzzer beater on a school night?' Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.

Left, right, gone. Lionel Messi put that defender on skates and never even looked back. Down, up, and gone for Lionel Messi. The rim is just toying with him now.

OHHHH, what a read by Lionel Messi! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. A four point play from the association football player! He does not do this for a living and he just took over the biggest possession of the night.

Bent double with his hands on his knees, Cristiano Ronaldo takes one breath, straightens up and points at the coach who drew the play in the huddle. The coach nods once, no smile. Muggsy Bogues pounds the man's shoulder anyway. Respect, delivered at maximum volume.

Cristiano Ronaldo sizes him up from twenty-five feet, two hard dribbles right, a shoulder fake, and the crowd starts to rise. Head down, no read, no plan. Cristiano Ronaldo bulldozes the help defender and gives away a possession for absolutely nothing.

OHHHH here we go! Shoving under the rim, and Lionel Messi is right in the middle of it!

Turnover, layup, Orlando Magic-Beans straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Cristiano Ronaldo walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. The other bench sent their best perimeter stopper out on LeBron James, and they are learning in real time that it will not be enough tonight. Not a hand on him. LeBron James flat missed the bunny.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Orlando Magic-Beans in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

No good. Lionel Messi rushed that one. OFFENSIVE GLASS! Cristiano Ronaldo beats three men to the spot! Miss, tip, bucket. Cristiano Ronaldo makes his living in the wreckage.

More second chance points for Orlando Magic-Beans, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

STOP AND GO! Lionel Messi hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. The crowd has found its chant, and Lionel Messi is going to be hearing it all night.

Cristiano Ronaldo taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. LeBron James walks through the door without pushing it. And here is the answer to our game show Last Team Standing Around! Deloris Whitmire of Slow Creek Bend, Hawaii, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How loud is a gym after a buzzer beater on a school night?' The answer was of course loud enough to wake a man three counties over, also named Gary. Deloris therefore wins a chest freezer that only reaches room temperature! My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

106-102 (W)

OHHHH he SNATCHED that tip! Muggsy Bogues rips it out of the air and we are off.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Cristiano Ronaldo already has the defense a full step behind. Hesitate, GO. Lionel Messi is by that hip before the man even blinks. Cristiano Ronaldo threads a BEAUTY to Lionel Messi under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

That crossover was not about getting a shot up. Cristiano Ronaldo pulled it out to tell everybody in the gym whose possession this is. Whistle! Cristiano Ronaldo got hacked on the way up. Two shots coming. Spin, one dribble, up and in. Then Cristiano Ronaldo does the whole thing again. Zero drama, two points.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Philadelphia Injury-Report with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Closeout from LeBron James like a man chasing a bus. Late, out of control, and right into the shooter's landing space. Third whistle on LeBron James. He could argue the first two. This one he cannot.

Players head to the locker room. Muggsy Bogues has tape on three fingers. Did you know? Muggsy Bogues launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. And now, our halftime TV game show Supermarket Sweep the Leg! To win a fifty-five gallon drum of ranch dressing, text HOOPS to 555-0088 and answer this question: 'How many stripes are on a basketball if you also count the ones inside?' The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Cristiano Ronaldo just did it by hitting Lamine Yamal on the back side with acres of room. The defender planted his feet, and Lamine Yamal said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. Prayer from Lamine Yamal. Not answered.

Turnover, layup, Philadelphia Injury-Report straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The association football player just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. Here comes the slip from Muggsy Bogues, and LeBron James reads it a half second before anybody else in the building. Pull-up from the elbow by Muggsy Bogues, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

Hustle does not check your job title: the association football player tips it away and the possession is ours. LeBron James converts on the break again, and that defense has now been beaten down the floor three straight trips. Somebody better call timeout.

You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and Lamine Yamal gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. Rises, releases, and LeBron James sends the ball through the exact patch of sky where the rim is not.

You can read it right off the scoreboard: not one point since the last stoppage, and LeBron James is pressing badly now. Whistle, red light, nothing to show for it. Lamine Yamal hands it over.

Timeout. Tablet out. And every line the coach draws starts with Cristiano Ronaldo. OHHHHH MY GOODNESS! Lamine Yamal just tore the roof off this arena with the clock at ZERO!

Off comes the headband, launched into the crowd like a rock star, and the fight for it delays the inbound. Lamine Yamal watches two adults wrestle in row four. Half the arena is filming that instead of the game. Everybody in here has lost the plot.

Lamine Yamal grabs the arena mic and screams. Just a scream. Lionel Messi applauds. And here is the answer to our game Supermarket Sweep the Leg! Junior Pennywhistle of Slab Town, Kentucky, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many stripes are on a basketball if you also count the ones inside?' The answer was of course eight, and the ninth is a private matter. Junior takes home a fifty-five gallon drum of ranch dressing! I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

90-120 (L)

SPIN and GO! Cristiano Ronaldo pirouettes right through the traffic and comes out the other side clean! Cristiano Ronaldo draws the foul on a THREE-POINT attempt. The building groans, the coach turns around, and nobody wants to make eye contact.

SKIP PASS! Cristiano Ronaldo fires it cross court to Lamine Yamal and the defense is dead in the water! The association football player just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! BRICK! Cristiano Ronaldo throws up a prayer and the iron sends it straight back out to half court!

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Phoenix No-Defense, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Cristiano Ronaldo breaks a shell down. The lob is the toughest read in the league, and Lamine Yamal keeps making it look like a layup line drill.

Iron AGAIN for LeBron James! Somebody put a lid on that rim and every possession has turned into pure suffering. The offense stalls, Muggsy Bogues gets stuck on the wing with no exit and nobody flashing open, and the shot clock eats him alive.

Buzzer sounds, halftime! Lionel Messi walks head down toward the tunnel. Little scoop: Lionel Messi collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. And now, our halftime TV game show Are You Smarter Than a Mailbox! To win a paint-by-numbers kit of a barn, already painted wrong, text HOOPS to 555-0066 and answer this question: 'How many keys are on a high school janitor keyring?' Back at it! The players jog toward center court.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Phoenix No-Defense with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Cristiano Ronaldo drops it off to LeBron James on time and on target. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! LeBron James whips that pass one-handed on the move and the roll man gathers it through contact. Filthy. Court vision like that on the association football player is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. Off the dribble, a full step behind the logo, straight down. Tomorrow the association football player goes back to work, tonight he owns this arena.

Lionel Messi sprints to the sideline, hops onto the scorer's table and raises both fists. The stat crew grabs their laptops and security is already moving. A trainer hauls him down by the shorts before anybody gets fined. Worth it, obviously.

LeBron James guesses left, the ball handler goes right, and suddenly this is a two-on-one before anybody can rotate. LeBron James rides the ball handler all the way up the floor and finally puts a forearm in his back. Officials blow it dead.

Phoenix No-Defense again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Cristiano Ronaldo threw it before the help even committed. That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way LeBron James does. So close. LeBron James can only stare at the iron.

Bucket for Phoenix No-Defense. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Body to body all the way to the rim and the arm goes up. That is on Muggsy Bogues, and this crew is not letting anything go tonight. Muggsy Bogues throws his head back, because he knows exactly what it means. His minutes are somebody else's decision now.

Lamine Yamal pushes it in transition, pulls up from the elbow, cash. That is a 10-0 run and the visitors have not scored in three minutes. The opposing coach is off his seat waving both arms before the ball is even inbounded. Muggsy Bogues forced that.

Not pretty, but this is arithmetic now. Muggsy Bogues trades one foul for one more possession, and down five with a minute left, that math works.

Lamine Yamal taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. LeBron James walks through the door without pushing it. And here is the answer to our game Are You Smarter Than a Mailbox! Wanda Sue Beezley of Rooster Comb, South Dakota, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many keys are on a high school janitor keyring?' The answer was of course forty-one, and three of them open nothing at all. Wanda Sue takes home a paint-by-numbers kit of a barn, already painted wrong! I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

96-109 (L)

More second chance points for Los Angeles Nursing-Home, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Cristiano Ronaldo controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Not an inch to spare on the endline, but Lionel Messi keeps both feet in bounds and the help gets there a beat too late. Onions! Lionel Messi did that with a hand in his face.

Lionel Messi hangs on the rim one extra beat, letting the whole arena wait on him, then drops down into a dead-eyed mean mug. LeBron James shoves him in the chest just to get a reaction. Nothing. Stone face on a man who just changed the game.

Kick out to Cristiano Ronaldo, one more to Lamine Yamal, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. Oh my. Lamine Yamal did not even draw iron.

Cristiano Ronaldo kicks it over to Lamine Yamal, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. A cut with that timing from the association football player? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the association football player, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Los Angeles Nursing-Home with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Well-deserved break. Lamine Yamal looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Fun fact: Lamine Yamal is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. And now, our halftime TV game show Church Picnic Wipeout! To win an above-ground pool ladder with no pool attached, text HOOPS to 555-0158 and answer this question: 'How much popcorn is in a large at the concession stand, honestly?' Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.

Give the man credit for the effort, because Lamine Yamal contested that from three feet behind, which is technically a contest. Muggsy Bogues got the ball, but he got it on the way down, and they are awarded the two anyway.

OHHHH the hesi! Cristiano Ronaldo froze him solid and he is already gone! Soft off the fingertips, the ball takes a full lap of the rim on Cristiano Ronaldo, and spits straight back out. That is theft.

Turnover, layup, Los Angeles Nursing-Home straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Clean feed from Lamine Yamal, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Watch the change of pace from Cristiano Ronaldo, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. Cristiano Ronaldo fires that thing at the backboard like it owes him money. No chance from the moment it left his hand.

Laser from Lionel Messi, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Muggsy Bogues drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. Lamine Yamal gets to his spot in the lane, lifts the runner over the big man, and leaves it a foot short. No dice.

Cold blooded from Los Angeles Nursing-Home, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Over the top of everybody. Cristiano Ronaldo to Muggsy Bogues in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Filthy. Absolutely filthy from Muggsy Bogues, and the defender knows exactly what just happened to him. OHHHH, that one died in the air! Muggsy Bogues put nothing into it and the front rim eats the floater.

Swing, swing, and Lionel Messi finds Cristiano Ronaldo on the wing before the help can even turn its head. Cristiano Ronaldo attacks the baseline and the ENTIRE defense has to rotate behind him! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Cristiano Ronaldo rose up over the help and hammered it down on somebody's head!

The whistle goes, the crew huddles at the monitor, and Muggsy Bogues gets the thumb, flagrant two, straight to the locker room.

Muggsy Bogues sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Lamine Yamal has his head in his hands. And here is the answer to our game Church Picnic Wipeout! Charlene Pigg of Hatchet Handle, North Carolina, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How much popcorn is in a large at the concession stand, honestly?' The answer was of course a medium and a rumor. Charlene takes home an above-ground pool ladder with no pool attached! Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

99-116 (L)

Tip is UP and Muggsy Bogues gets there first! We are underway and it is our ball.

Lionel Messi splits the coverage with a bounce pass you need slow motion to appreciate. Dimes. Getting to his spot and elevating, LeBron James puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Lionel Messi has known that all night long. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Lamine Yamal spun out of a double team like it was a revolving door! Reverse layup by Lamine Yamal, using the rim as a shield the whole way through. A circus act wrapped around textbook footwork.

Lamine Yamal crosses his arms into an X, plants his feet at the top of the key and dares somebody to say something. Nobody does. LeBron James mirrors the pose beside him. Two statues, twenty thousand people screaming, and every camera in the gym pointed at them.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Cristiano Ronaldo has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching LeBron James precisely where the play wanted it. One little shoulder dip from LeBron James and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. Buzzer on the shot clock, LeBron James heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

Turnover, layup, Toronto Border-Patrol straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

End of the first half. LeBron James is beet red but still standing. Locker room intel: LeBron James has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. And now, our halftime TV game show Jeopardy Adjacent! To win a bucket of concrete turtles from a roadside stand that closed in 2004, text HOOPS to 555-0208 and answer this question: 'Which state has the most rectangular gymnasiums per capita?' The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.

Somebody explain how the association football player reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. Screen, roll, DELIVERY from Muggsy Bogues! Nothing but runway to the rim! Lamine Yamal had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

The association football player makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Read, screen, delivery, right on the money. A association football player making the right pass every single time, and the league is taking notes. That is the shot LeBron James wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Toronto Border-Patrol in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Textbook stuff: feet set, arms crossed, Muggsy Bogues eats the contact and hands us a turnover.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Toronto Border-Patrol with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

You can read it in the body language. Cristiano Ronaldo has ice in his veins right now, the shot clock does not scare him, nothing does tonight. This building is SHAKING. Cristiano Ronaldo just stepped into a logo three like it was a warmup rep.

Hands out, palms up, Cristiano Ronaldo shrugs at the officials like he cannot explain what he just did either. Dry as a bone. Muggsy Bogues is doubled over at half court and the broadcast crew is howling. It goes viral before the next possession even starts.

Cristiano Ronaldo kicks it over to Lionel Messi, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. The association football player just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, Lionel Messi fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

Cold blooded from Toronto Border-Patrol, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Lamine Yamal just did it by hitting Lionel Messi on the back side with acres of room. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Lionel Messi put that man in a blender and the third row felt it! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Lionel Messi!

Cristiano Ronaldo chews his nails on the bench. Lionel Messi stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. And here is the answer to our game show Jeopardy Adjacent! Wanda Jean Stubblefield of Possum Grape, Alabama, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Which state has the most rectangular gymnasiums per capita?' The answer was of course Indiana, and it is not particularly close. Wanda Jean therefore wins a bucket of concrete turtles from a roadside stand that closed in 2004! I learned tonight that Cristiano Ronaldo used to be an association football player. That explains the unique running style. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

94-122 (L)

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Lionel Messi threw it before the help even committed. Full stop, full sprint, and the association football player is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. Missed layup for the association football player and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

Push the pace! Cristiano Ronaldo grabs it and hits Muggsy Bogues in stride before the defense can even match up. Muggsy Bogues feels the contact, spins off that shoulder, and the defender is left hugging a whole lot of nothing. Up goes the shot from Muggsy Bogues and that is nothing but AIR, and every soul in this building saw it happen.

Total control. Cristiano Ronaldo has this thing on a string. Two guys on the exact same page, LeBron James and Cristiano Ronaldo, and the defense is left holding a bag of nothing. Lamine Yamal whips the extra pass across the arc, LeBron James rises without a dribble, and SPLASH.

Shoving match at the scorer's table, except it is between Lamine Yamal and an assistant coach who both want to hug LeBron James first. LeBron James lets them sort it out. The trainer has given up on protecting anybody. Somebody's clipboard is already on the floor.

Cold blooded from Minnesota Ice-Wall, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

The association football player makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Cristiano Ronaldo the moment he crosses half court. The association football player hammers a brick off the backboard so hard the rim is still shaking. Nothing in that resume prepared anybody for this.

That's a cut. Cristiano Ronaldo stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Bus driver's confession: Cristiano Ronaldo raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. And now, our halftime TV game show Are You Smarter Than a Backup Center! To win a gift certificate to a diner that only takes cash, text HOOPS to 555-0804 and answer this question: 'Why are basketball nets never quite long enough to be scarves?' Back at it! The players jog toward center court.

Minnesota Ice-Wall again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The association football player is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. No roll this time. Lamine Yamal swings it right back to LeBron James above the break, and it is PURE. AIRBALL! LeBron James missed the rim, the backboard and everything in between!

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Lionel Messi just did it by hitting LeBron James on the back side with acres of room. Oldest play in the book and it still works: LeBron James passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. Baby hook by LeBron James, right over that outstretched hand, high off the board, count it.

One finger to the sky, held there, eyes closed in the middle of all that noise, and LeBron James does not move. The arena figures it out and quiets for a beat. Muggsy Bogues puts a hand on his back and says nothing, then the sound comes back like a wave.

The zone is set with Lamine Yamal anchoring the middle of it and there is NOWHERE to go! The entry pass goes in, LeBron James beats the big man to it, and this building is already standing up.

Turnover, layup, Minnesota Ice-Wall straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Lionel Messi gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Lamine Yamal saw it a beat early. LeBron James sets the pick and DIVES to the cup. Lionel Messi lays it right on his hands in traffic! Fifth possession this half where LeBron James has been left to bail everybody out with the clock at zero. He cannot keep doing this alone.

Dagger from Minnesota Ice-Wall. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Read, screen, delivery, right on the money. A association football player making the right pass every single time, and the league is taking notes. That is the shot chart lying to you. LeBron James did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

Lionel Messi kicks it over to Cristiano Ronaldo, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. This is the counter: Cristiano Ronaldo punished a defense that kept going under, and now they have to rip up the game plan. Shot clock at one, and Muggsy Bogues just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing.

Muggsy Bogues pulls his cap down over his eyes. LeBron James doesn't have a cap, and it shows. And here is the answer to our game show Are You Smarter Than a Backup Center! Ricky Don Sturgill of Sassafras Bottom, Virginia, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Why are basketball nets never quite long enough to be scarves?' The answer was of course that the scarf lobby got to the rules committee in 1954. Ricky Don therefore wins a gift certificate to a diner that only takes cash! I got a text from Muggsy Bogues after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

85-126 (L)

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Houston Blast-Off with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Over the top of everybody. Lamine Yamal to Cristiano Ronaldo in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Give and go! Cristiano Ronaldo gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! That is a dime from Lionel Messi that deserved so much better, and Cristiano Ronaldo knows it, head down, jogging back before the ball even lands.

That crossover was not about getting a shot up. Cristiano Ronaldo pulled it out to tell everybody in the gym whose possession this is. The association football player had that thing halfway down and the rim spat it back out. Nobody ever warns you that the iron has a personality.

Bucket for Houston Blast-Off. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Screen, pop, SPLASH! Cristiano Ronaldo kicks it out and that thing never touched iron. LeBron James went for the deep heat check and produced the loudest silence of the night, roar to OHHHH in half a second.

The players head in. LeBron James slips on the wet tunnel floor. Little scoop: LeBron James logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. And now, our halftime TV game show Minute to Win It or Whatever! To win a bathrobe that is technically a curtain, text HOOPS to 555-0827 and answer this question: 'How many pairs of sneakers are hanging from power lines nationwide?' Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.

Dagger from Houston Blast-Off. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The association football player just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! Straight back to the office for the association football player, and the group chat has already seen it twice.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Houston Blast-Off, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

The association football player turns clean out of two bodies in the paint. That is nowhere in the job description and yet here we are. Nobody moved, nobody cut, nobody set a screen, so Lionel Messi launches a contested jumper with the horn already going. Ugly offense.

Clean feed from Lamine Yamal, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Second pass beats the rotation, Muggsy Bogues to Lamine Yamal, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and Lamine Yamal is walking back with both hands on his head.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the association football player, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. Straight down the baseline goes the association football player! Whatever shift he worked this morning, he clearly left plenty in the tank. The association football player gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Cristiano Ronaldo makes it every single trip down the floor. Lamine Yamal rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. Watch the footwork there from Lamine Yamal on the catch, squared up before the ball ever arrives. That is exactly why it goes down so clean.

Straight to the logo at center court, Lamine Yamal plants both feet and flexes until the veins show. The bench is a pile of bodies and airborne headbands. An assistant coach has to be physically restrained by a trainer who is also celebrating.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Houston Blast-Off with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Cristiano Ronaldo kicks it over to Lionel Messi, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. OHHHH the pin-down! Lionel Messi pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Lamine Yamal. Brutal. The association football player just threaded a pocket pass through two defenders. Where exactly did that vision come from? Cristiano Ronaldo gets into the paint, sees the shot blocker rising, and simply lifts it over the top of him. Never had a prayer.

Shoving match at the scorer's table, except it is between Lamine Yamal and an assistant coach who both want to hug Cristiano Ronaldo first. Cristiano Ronaldo lets them sort it out. The trainer has given up on protecting anybody. Somebody's clipboard is already on the floor.

This is the part of the league nobody loves and everybody watches: LeBron James waits with both hands on top of his head. Freeze it right there: leather glued to the fingers of LeBron James, horn already screaming. No basket.

Cristiano Ronaldo whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. Lionel Messi nods without conviction. And here is the answer to our game show Minute to Win It or Whatever! Bernice Chadwick of Cabbage Patch Corners, Wisconsin, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many pairs of sneakers are hanging from power lines nationwide?' The answer was of course two million and change, and not one pair matches. Bernice therefore wins a bathrobe that is technically a curtain! Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

86-130 (L)

Bucket for Denver Horse-Track. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Cristiano Ronaldo kicks it over to LeBron James, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Two defenders, one gap, and LeBron James finds it. Onions on that pass. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Lamine Yamal!

Turnover, layup, Denver Horse-Track straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The drive gets a step, Muggsy Bogues stays down, waits for the release, and hammers it off the glass. Steal, sprint, slam. Muggsy Bogues takes the Lamine Yamal feed and puts it down before anyone gets back.

Cold blooded from Denver Horse-Track, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Halftime whistle! Lionel Messi slides down against the hallway wall. They say Lionel Messi has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. And now, our halftime TV game show The Great American Trivia Barn! To win a plastic owl that is supposed to scare pigeons but does not, text HOOPS to 555-1183 and answer this question: 'Which knee does a former player mention first at a class reunion?' Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.

A full spin move through traffic from the association football player! Whatever they teach in that trade, footwork is apparently part of it. Lionel Messi blows the wide open layup!

Whistle! Muggsy Bogues gets him on the arm. Personal foul, nothing clever about it. He stays out there with five, which tells you how much this coach trusts Muggsy Bogues and how little he trusts anybody else.

OHHHH the pocket pass! Cristiano Ronaldo splits the coverage and the roll man is loose under the basket! That is a forced shot from the association football player that was doomed the moment it left the hand, and the bench has quietly decided to look at the floor for a moment.

The association football player just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! Two defenders in the lane, Lionel Messi splits them, double clutches and kisses it off the square. Count it!

Salute: sharp, military, held. Lionel Messi delivers it toward the loudest corner of the building and does not drop his hand until the noise starts to hurt. Muggsy Bogues snaps to attention beside him and the bench follows. Twelve saluting maniacs and a coach with his head in his hands.

Denver Horse-Track again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from Lamine Yamal. Twenty-four seconds of standing around, and Lamine Yamal has to eat the last two of them. Possession wasted long before the shot went up.

More second chance points for Denver Horse-Track, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

The association football player just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. A cruel spin-out for the association football player, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

Baseline wide open. Lionel Messi said thank you. Stonewalled at the top of the square! The big man meets Lionel Messi up there and returns it with interest.

OHHHH the theater from Muggsy Bogues! Barely a brush and he is flat on his back studying the scoreboard.

Cristiano Ronaldo walks head down toward the tunnel. Lionel Messi drags his feet behind, shoulders slumped. And here is the answer to our game show The Great American Trivia Barn! Garland Shoemaker of Rickety Bridge, New York, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Which knee does a former player mention first at a class reunion?' The answer was of course the left one, always, in every county we surveyed. Garland therefore wins a plastic owl that is supposed to scare pigeons but does not! Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

73-118 (L)

LeBron James times the leap perfectly, taps it back to the wing, and the first possession of the night belongs to us.

Cold blooded from New York Over-Timers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Ball moves. Lionel Messi to LeBron James, on time and on target. Whirl, and GONE! LeBron James leaves the defender grabbing at a jersey that stopped being there half a second ago. Twenty-four seconds of standing around, and LeBron James has to eat the last two of them. Possession wasted long before the shot went up.

Lamine Yamal flies at a jump shooter thirty feet from the rim and lands on his hip. Three shots coming. Nothing but trouble ahead for Lamine Yamal. Third foul, and this crew is calling it tight on both ends of the floor.

More second chance points for New York Over-Timers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Both teams head in. Cristiano Ronaldo has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Confession: Cristiano Ronaldo tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. And now, our halftime TV game show Triple Dog Dare Hour! To win two pails of driveway sealer that have never once been opened, text HOOPS to 555-0405 and answer this question: 'How many peanuts are dropped on the floor of an average arena per game?' The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.

Cristiano Ronaldo launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Handoff, turn the corner, BUCKET! Muggsy Bogues did all the dirty work on that one. Watch the footwork from Cristiano Ronaldo: one-two into the paint, no charge, feathery touch off the glass. Filthy craft.

Laser from Cristiano Ronaldo, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. The extra pass! LeBron James had the look, gave it up anyway, and Muggsy Bogues buries it. BANG! The whistle blows, the crowd erupts, and Muggsy Bogues hangs on the iron just long enough to make his point.

Muggsy Bogues freezes in his follow-through, wrist still hanging, and holds it while the New York Over-Timers coach burns a timeout out of pure desperation. He holds it through the whistle. He holds it into the huddle. The cameras eat every single second of it.

Turnover, layup, New York Over-Timers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Lionel Messi pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. That is what heavy minutes do, Lionel Messi has run all night and the legs have nothing left to give the jumper.

Clear path on Muggsy Bogues. Two shots AND the ball. That is the expensive one.

New York Over-Timers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Clean feed from Lionel Messi, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Muggsy Bogues comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! Not close, not warm, not anywhere for Muggsy Bogues, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet.

Dagger from New York Over-Timers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

SKIP PASS! Cristiano Ronaldo fires it cross court to Lionel Messi and the defense is dead in the water! Beautiful footwork on that one from Lionel Messi, the pivot foot never budges, which is precisely why the whistle stays in the pocket. The association football player misses absolutely everything, and honestly, the nerve to even attempt that shot deserves something. Not points. But something.

The association football player is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. Baseline spin from LeBron James at full speed, and his man never even gets a hand into the picture. Filthy stuff. Perfect drop-off from Cristiano Ronaldo, and LeBron James answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

Cristiano Ronaldo and Muggsy Bogues walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. And here is the answer to our game show Triple Dog Dare Hour! Maureen Skaggs of North Fork Elbow, Idaho, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many peanuts are dropped on the floor of an average arena per game?' The answer was of course four thousand and nine, not counting the ones nobody will admit to. Maureen therefore wins two pails of driveway sealer that have never once been opened! Did you know that Muggsy Bogues practices association football player on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

79-115 (L)

Won it clean! LeBron James got up and over him with room to spare.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Cleveland Twin-Towers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Watch the spacing, Cristiano Ronaldo drags two bodies toward the ball and Lamine Yamal is standing alone behind the line. Geometry, not luck. Rim, backboard, none of the above from the association football player! Ladies and gentlemen, that is a person with a real job, and we have all just been reminded of it.

Pass, skip, reversal, pass again. Muggsy Bogues shifts with every single one of them and the possession ends in a contested fadeaway. Somewhere there is a shift with the association football player written on it for tomorrow morning. Tonight he is out here erasing shots.

Dagger from Cleveland Twin-Towers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Back in the locker room, Muggsy Bogues sits down and stares at the ceiling. The staff told me Muggsy Bogues sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. And now, our halftime TV game show The Weakest Rebound! To win a first place pepper jelly ribbon from the 1996 state fair, text HOOPS to 555-1327 and answer this question: 'What is the official color of the squeak sneaker makes on a wet floor?' Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Lionel Messi makes it every single trip down the floor. BAAAANG! Lamine Yamal sets the table and the pick-and-pop three goes down like somebody scripted it. LeBron James hands it off to Cristiano Ronaldo, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. Soft touch from LeBron James, the floater drops right over the big man. Cash.

Bent double with his hands on his knees, LeBron James takes one breath, straightens up and points at the coach who drew the play in the huddle. The coach nods once, no smile. Lionel Messi pounds the man's shoulder anyway. Respect, delivered at maximum volume.

Cross court, on a rope, from the association football player. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Screened, toasted, done. Lionel Messi is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. The association football player had that thing halfway down and the rim spat it back out. Nobody ever warns you that the iron has a personality.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Cleveland Twin-Towers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Somebody find a fire extinguisher for the association football player! Whatever the day job is, right now the only trade that matters is getting buckets. Range like that bends a defense completely out of shape, and Lionel Messi keeps proving the arc is only a suggestion.

Somebody's towel goes up, then thirty of them, and the bench turns into a laundry emergency. Lionel Messi stands in the middle of it with his arms out, letting them rain down on his head. An assistant coach is spinning one like a helicopter. Institutional collapse.

Cold blooded from Cleveland Twin-Towers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

The association football player just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. Day job, then this: the association football player reads a rolling big like a coach with twenty years on the bench. It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on Cristiano Ronaldo. Cruel.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Cleveland Twin-Towers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

The association football player takes the baseline and bends an entire defense out of shape. Absolutely absurd stuff in this building tonight. Third look from distance for Lamine Yamal tonight and the arc keeps flattening out, tired legs writing checks the jumper cannot cash.

The association football player is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. Watch LeBron James plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring Muggsy Bogues out of that corner in a blink. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Muggsy Bogues!

Somebody explain how the association football player reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, Muggsy Bogues and Cristiano Ronaldo just played basketball and the defense got shredded. Rim out for Muggsy Bogues, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

Cristiano Ronaldo isolates in a corner, back against the wall. Muggsy Bogues tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. And here is the answer to our game show The Weakest Rebound! Earlene Tidwell of Gizzard Ridge, Tennessee, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the official color of the squeak sneaker makes on a wet floor?' The answer was of course a light mustard yellow, per the county Department of Squeaks. Earlene therefore wins a first place pepper jelly ribbon from the 1996 state fair! While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

76-117 (L)

The association football player just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. That stepback is unguardable once the drive gets sold, and Cristiano Ronaldo has had that defender guessing wrong all night long.

Backing all the way to half court with three fingers held over each eye, Cristiano Ronaldo keeps the goggles on for the entire trip. The bench mob copies it in unison. The broadcast cuts to twelve grown men wearing invisible glasses. Peak television, honestly.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Boston Ring-Chasers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Bodies everywhere in the paint and it does not matter one bit to Lionel Messi, one spin and the ball never leaves the string. That is the shot chart lying to you. Lionel Messi did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Boston Ring-Chasers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Cristiano Ronaldo launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. A single dribble is all LeBron James needed to get downhill, and the back side of that defense is in complete disarray. Nobody moved, nobody cut, nobody set a screen, so LeBron James launches a contested jumper with the horn already going. Ugly offense.

Break! Cristiano Ronaldo rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Little scoop: Cristiano Ronaldo tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. And now, our halftime TV game show High Rollers Low Ceilings! To win a beach towel printed with a map of a landlocked county, text HOOPS to 555-1024 and answer this question: 'How many timeouts can a coach call before the crowd revolts?' The players are back on the court. Here we go again!

Dagger from Boston Ring-Chasers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Ten to nothing. Cristiano Ronaldo is COOKING and there is not one answer on that other bench. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Cristiano Ronaldo again, and the visiting coach is SPRINTING at the official for a timeout!

Over the top of everybody. Lamine Yamal to LeBron James in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, LeBron James makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. The association football player spots up in the corner and drills it like it is nothing. Somewhere a shooting coach is crying tears of joy.

Cold blooded from Boston Ring-Chasers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Ball moves. Lamine Yamal to Lionel Messi, on time and on target. The big rolls, the defense collapses, and Lionel Messi punishes it with a read most guys never even see. Textbook footwork, textbook release from Lamine Yamal, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

Off the pin-down comes the association football player with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. In, around, and gone. The iron gives Lionel Messi nothing.

Cristiano Ronaldo turns the corner off the screen from Lionel Messi, the help never rotates, and the lane is WIDE open! Moving screen on the association football player. The rule book is weeping and the coach is already up off the bench.

Turnover, layup, Boston Ring-Chasers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

LeBron James did that, and now the loudest twelve people in this arena are all wearing the same uniform he is. Four live-ball turnovers now for Lamine Yamal, and every single one of them has turned into a bucket.

The strategy of the desperate, executed to perfection by Muggsy Bogues. Foul, stop the clock, pray at the other end, repeat.

Lionel Messi hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Cristiano Ronaldo keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. And here is the answer to our game show High Rollers Low Ceilings! Marlene Trickett of Cornsilk Junction, South Dakota, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many timeouts can a coach call before the crowd revolts?' The answer was of course three, and the fourth one starts a conversation nobody enjoys. Marlene therefore wins a beach towel printed with a map of a landlocked county! Tonight I had a revelation: Cristiano Ronaldo runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

81-125 (L)

Small thing, a jump ball, but LeBron James winning that tip means we set the tone. Coaches script that first play for a reason.

The defender crowded the middle, and Lionel Messi punished him along the baseline like it was drawn up in the huddle. Two points left on the floor by Lionel Messi, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth.

San Antonio Skyscrapers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Textbook two three with LeBron James manning the back line, and they have not seen a clean look in three trips. Eight on the shot clock, Muggsy Bogues gets a piece of the entry, and the whole set is dead on arrival.

Reach-in on the association football player. He tried to take the ball the way he takes everything else on the job, politely and with both hands. Foul trouble is a chess match and Lamine Yamal just lost a piece. Three before the break changes how this team defends the pick and roll.

Halftime. Lamine Yamal throws his towel on the floor walking in. Rumor has it Lamine Yamal has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. And now, our halftime TV game show Wipeout the Rec League Edition! To win a weather vane pointing a direction wind has never once gone, text HOOPS to 555-0914 and answer this question: 'How many bleacher splinters are removed nationwide every Tuesday?' Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.

Ohhh no. Corner three, San Antonio Skyscrapers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Hands like that on the association football player? Whatever he does all day, by night he is robbing people blind. BAAAANG! Cristiano Ronaldo throws the outlet ahead and Lionel Messi finishes through contact at the rim!

Chest bump so violent that Lionel Messi and LeBron James both end up on the hardwood. They lie there laughing while play is stopped. A trainer jogs out to make sure nobody cracked a rib. The crowd is chanting before either man gets back to his feet.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for San Antonio Skyscrapers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Twenty-four seconds, zero shots. LeBron James holds it, the buzzer sounds, and we give it back without ever testing the rim.

That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Lionel Messi the moment he crosses half court. Awful shot by Lionel Messi with eleven still on the shot clock, off the front rim and out to the wing.

Dagger from San Antonio Skyscrapers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Ball moves. Lionel Messi to Muggsy Bogues, on time and on target. Textbook two-man game: Muggsy Bogues keeps the dribble alive, forces the big man to commit, and Lionel Messi rolls into an open runway. Getting to his spot and elevating, Lionel Messi puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

More second chance points for San Antonio Skyscrapers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Unselfish basketball. Cristiano Ronaldo passes up a good shot and hands Lamine Yamal a GREAT one. The association football player hammers a brick off the backboard so hard the rim is still shaking. Nothing in that resume prepared anybody for this.

Two decoy screens, a flare to the weak side, then Muggsy Bogues coming off the second one. That is the whole thing. That is the third time out of a timeout tonight that Lamine Yamal has gotten a look this clean. The whiteboard is undefeated.

Cristiano Ronaldo lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Lionel Messi holds his in. And here is the answer to our game show Wipeout the Rec League Edition! Lavonne Stackhouse of Grease Rag Creek, Delaware, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many bleacher splinters are removed nationwide every Tuesday?' The answer was of course six hundred and twelve, and most of them in the Midwest. Lavonne therefore wins a weather vane pointing a direction wind has never once gone! I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

89-134 (L)

Cold blooded from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Cristiano Ronaldo gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Lionel Messi saw it a beat early. Look how low Cristiano Ronaldo keeps that shoulder on the drive, that is how you turn a sliver of space into a walk to the rim. OHHHH, the cylinder rejects the association football player! Somewhere a whole workplace just yelled at a television.

Turnover, layup, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

LeBron James goes up with the hands to the ceiling and the shot comes off the front rim. Textbook verticality.

The bench is up, the defender is begging for help, and Cristiano Ronaldo keeps walking into the same spot and cashing. OHHHH, no no no! Cristiano Ronaldo steps into a contested step-back with eighteen on the clock and clangs it. Greedy.

Back to the locker room. Lionel Messi punches his locker. I've been told Lionel Messi always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. And now, our halftime TV game show To Tell the Truth-ish! To win a wall clock shaped like a rooster that crows at random, text HOOPS to 555-0330 and answer this question: 'What is the scientific name for the smell of a middle school gymnasium?' Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

The association football player pops to the arc and buries it, and nobody in this building believes that man clocks in somewhere in the morning. Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, Lamine Yamal fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Muggsy Bogues just gift wrapped three free throws on a heat check. There is no choice to make here. Four fouls with this much clock left means Muggsy Bogues sits and the lead has to survive without him.

Cristiano Ronaldo comes off the screen and the big man drops WAY back. Lamine Yamal just fades to the arc for the cleanest look of the night. The defense keeps turning contested looks by Lamine Yamal into free points. STOP REACHING. Cash. Cash again. Lamine Yamal pockets the two and jogs back on defense like nothing happened.

Free throw coming the other way and the coach is STILL talking. LeBron James finally gets him seated, and this building is ROARING.

A full spin move through traffic from the association football player! Whatever they teach in that trade, footwork is apparently part of it. The association football player had two points in the bank and the iron took them right back out. You do not get heartbreak like that in the day job.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Laser from Cristiano Ronaldo, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Lionel Messi stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. Gift wrapped by Lamine Yamal, and Lionel Messi cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

More second chance points for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Set called, Muggsy Bogues waved out to the corner, and Cristiano Ronaldo watches the spacing open up like a front door. Here comes the slip from Lamine Yamal, and Muggsy Bogues reads it a half second before anybody else in the building. You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and Lamine Yamal gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Muggsy Bogues scooped that in from underneath the rim!

Off comes the headband, launched into the crowd like a rock star, and the fight for it delays the inbound. Muggsy Bogues watches two adults wrestle in row four. Half the arena is filming that instead of the game. Everybody in here has lost the plot.

Cristiano Ronaldo pulls his cap down over his eyes. Lionel Messi doesn't have a cap, and it shows. And here is the answer to our game To Tell the Truth-ish! Merle Hackenbush of Muddy Boot, Illinois, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the scientific name for the smell of a middle school gymnasium?' The answer was of course nostalgia, with strong notes of floor wax. Merle takes home a wall clock shaped like a rooster that crows at random! Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.