My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇬🇧
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 5 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Houston Blast-Off | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | My Team | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 12 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 14 | Phoenix No-Defense | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Kill the cameras, turn off your phones, and shut your mouths because what we're about to witness tonight only happens once in a generation. We're in the belly of an arena where the floor trembles under the bass, where the Jumbotron spits fire, where 20,000 lunatics are screaming their heads off before the tip-off even happens. The franchise walking onto this court isn't a basketball club, it's a war machine forged in the pain of defeat and the madness of impossible comebacks. Every player here has gladiator blood in his veins and an ego size of Texas. The team with no name, baby! There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Victor Wembanyama. Standing at 224 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face. But what truly terrifies opponents isn't his highlights, it's his head. Look into his eyes during crunch time. There's nothing there. No stress, no doubt, just a killer's stare that says "give me the ball and get the hell out of the way." Opposing coaches have tried double-teams, triple-teams, zone defense, trash talk, Hack-a-Shaq... Nothing works. The man is programmed for clutch moments. It's genetic, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it. Moment of truth, folks. You see the guy at the end of the bench, the one who looks completely lost among the giants? That's Napoleon. A military leader in civilian life. The kind of guy who handles battle standard better than a basketball, and who somehow ended up on a professional roster because the coach "had a vision." A vision, ladies and gentlemen. Probably somewhere between his second and third mojito at the All-Star Weekend party. Napoleon has a unique playing style: he runs a lot, understands very little, and has an unfortunate tendency to treat war front and the basketball exact same way. The fans already love him. Not for his stats (he has none) but because every time he steps on the court, it's Christmas morning. The budget is simple: it's not a budget anymore, it's a manifesto. The owner said "I don't give a damn about consequences" and he proved it. We're in financial territory that even Adam Silver didn't anticipate when he wrote the rules. Every extra dollar spent costs five dollars in tax, and guess what, they spend WAY too many extra dollars. The roster is an infernal machine, the bench is a thing of beauty, but the price is zero future. No picks, no possible trades, no plan B. It's the championship or a wall at 200 miles per hour. There is no middle ground.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
95-114 (L)
The gymnasium welcomes Napoleon! The military leader with the war front has arrived!
Napoleon bobbles and misses! Fumbling the damn ball like it's a Monday morning!
Tim Duncan coughs up the Spalding! Sometimes predictable game strikes again facing the rim!
Tim Duncan, this tree of a man, fouls unnecessarily from way beyond the arc! Tendency to rush!
Stephen Curry blows past and converts! A floater from way beyond the arc! Money!
Break! Tim Duncan takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Did you know Tim Duncan knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Detroit Engine-Roar's colors. By accident, obviously. Break's over, the players take their positions.
Victor Wembanyama, this player on the come-up, yells at the coaching staff! Lack of consistency causing friction!
Napoleon misses! Even a military leader can't fix that shot!
Stephen Curry, this versatile guy, seals the defender for position! Fundamentals!
Napoleon tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a military leader's energy for the war front!
Joseph Stalin shakes hands through the pain! A revolutionary who respects their bare hands and the game!
Tim Duncan looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Stephen Curry looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. Did you know that Stephen Curry practices military leader on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
131-85 (W)
The game begins and Stephen Curry is ready! You can see a gym-rat work ethic written all over his face!
Tim Duncan knocks down a reverse layup along the baseline! Ice in the veins!
Stephen Curry, this top-tier talent, manipulates the defense and drops the dime! A gym-rat work ethic!
Joseph Stalin pops the jumper! Clean as their bare hands after a polish!
Tim Duncan rejects the layup! A crucial offensive board by this walking skyscraper! Get that out!
Back to the locker room. Victor Wembanyama's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Anecdote: Victor Wembanyama once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
Tim Duncan, this titan, takes over from way beyond the arc. A free throw! That's elite!
This up-and-coming baller Victor Wembanyama and the team deliver a masterpiece! A half-court heave! Perfection!
Stephen Curry, this franchise guy, catches the leather in the face! Hands of stone today!
Napoleon attacks and moonwalks back! A team high-five! It's showtime, baby!
Joseph Stalin seals the win! Sealed tight, the revolutionary gets it done!
Joseph Stalin launches his shoe into the air. Tim Duncan catches it. Standing ovation. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
130-91 (W)
Joseph Stalin sets the tone early! The revolutionary came to play tonight!
Tim Duncan takes off the pill with silky smooth technique. And it drops! Nothing you can do!
Stephen Curry reads the defense like a book! Assist back to the basket! Ridiculous creativity!
A layup from Napoleon! This once-in-a-lifetime player reminding everyone why they're on top!
Joseph Stalin drops into help defense! Always there when you need a revolutionary!
The locker room fills up. Tim Duncan has already eaten three oranges. Did you know Tim Duncan keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
Victor Wembanyama, this seasoned vet, drops a scoop layup facing the rim! Pure artistry!
Victor Wembanyama dribbles with confidence! The game is well in hand for this guy with a proven track record!
Tim Duncan, this long boy, steps on the teammate's foot! Down goes this franchise guy!
This elite player Stephen Curry raises the arms in triumph! A raised fist! The crowd follows!
Napoleon embraces teammates! The bond of rallying the war front together!
Napoleon does a belly slide on the court. Stephen Curry does a back slide. The hardwood is ruined. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
126-90 (W)
And we're underway! Tim Duncan touches the basketball first! This bonafide star looks eager!
Stephen Curry scores at will! A half-court heave from mid-range! This franchise guy domination!
Tim Duncan threads the needle! Beautiful assist at the top of the key! Unreal court vision!
Victor Wembanyama scores with pure God-given talent. A reverse layup from mid-range! Too smooth!
Tim Duncan forces the step-out-of-bounds! This multi-time All-Star hawking the ball!
Halftime. The doctor examines Tim Duncan's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Anecdote: Tim Duncan tried to impress the Philadelphia Injury-Report players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.
A double-clutch layup by Victor Wembanyama! The crowd erupts! Ridiculous creativity personified!
Stephen Curry drives without breaking a sweat! This world-class player cruise control!
This max-contract guy Stephen Curry celebrates too early! A free throw didn't count! Awkward!
Stephen Curry, this swiss-army-knife type, chest bumps the teammate! A finger to the lips to hush the crowd! Pure joy!
Tim Duncan daps up the opponent! Respect from this multi-time All-Star after the battle!
Napoleon hugs the mascot. Stephen Curry hugs the referee. Awkward. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Stephen Curry. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
114-104 (W)
Victor Wembanyama, this beanpole, is introduced and the arena explodes! This legit talent is in the building!
Joseph Stalin drills it at half court! That revolutionary precision with their bare hands pays off!
Victor Wembanyama slides the feet perfectly and forces a miss! A gym-rat work ethic in every step!
Stephen Curry with the outlet pass! Coast-to-coast assist! That dawg mentality on that one!
This player on the come-up Victor Wembanyama uses the floater over this beanpole coverage! Smart!
The players file out. Joseph Stalin exchanges a tense look with the coach. Did you know Joseph Stalin started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
Napoleon scores a finger roll in a Playoff atmosphere! The battle standard vibes radiating across the temple of basketball!
Tim Duncan launches and the crowd chants the name! Listen to that noise!
Stephen Curry steps back the outlet to the young player! This bonafide star building the future!
Napoleon pulls up through pain, through doubt! This generational talent transcending!
Tim Duncan, this colossus, takes the final bow! A team high-five! Dominant display!
Tim Duncan and Victor Wembanyama pretend to fish Stephen Curry out of the crowd. They pull hard. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
100-91 (W)
Tip-off! Victor Wembanyama gets us started! Let's go!
A reverse layup from Victor Wembanyama! Another dagger! This player on the come-up closing the door!
Tim Duncan with the huge perfect contest from the left corner! This max-contract guy says no!
Victor Wembanyama, this well-respected player, dishes to the hot hand! Smart basketball!
This hall-of-fame lock Joseph Stalin sets the back screen! Ridiculous creativity off-ball contribution!
Into the tunnel. Victor Wembanyama grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Fun fact: Victor Wembanyama is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
Stephen Curry with another bank shot! You can't stop this man!
Tim Duncan soaks in a standing ovation! This franchise guy living for these moments!
Tim Duncan, this reliable star, picks up the fallen teammate! Pure God-given talent beyond the stats!
Napoleon lets fly with conviction! This franchise cornerstone believes tonight is the night!
Joseph Stalin can breathe! The win is secured, it's over!
Napoleon and Tim Duncan do celebratory push-ups. Stephen Curry counts out loud. Definitely cheating. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Napoleon's name. Forgive me. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
119-102 (W)
Tim Duncan dribbles with energy from the opening whistle! This All-Star caliber talent locked in!
This reliable star Tim Duncan with a cold-blooded finger roll! No conscience!
Stephen Curry, this max-contract guy, switches seamlessly and locks up! An off-the-charts basketball IQ shining through!
This elite player Stephen Curry with the wraparound pass! How did that get through!
Tim Duncan, this oversized freak, positions perfectly for the offensive rebound! Freakish explosiveness!
Break! Napoleon has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Confession: Napoleon tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.
Tim Duncan, this 7-footer, rises above and hammers a layup!
The energy in this building is unreal! Victor Wembanyama channeling palpable tension!
Tim Duncan penetrates the basketball with patience! This guy everybody knows trusting the system!
This player making noise Victor Wembanyama turns adversity into fuel! A career-defining moment energy!
Tim Duncan walks off the hardwood victorious! This headliner owns this moment!
Tim Duncan points both hands at the sky. Joseph Stalin points at Tim Duncan. Stephen Curry points at the exit. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
97-98 (L)
Joseph Stalin crosses over into position! This basketball god not wasting any time!
This guy everybody knows Tim Duncan erupts for a euro-step! The floodgates are open!
Napoleon reacts too late to rotate! Defense that's basically a suggestion on the help side!
Joseph Stalin can't convert! The revolutionary's touch with the game deserted them!
Stephen Curry penetrates with desperation and skill! This max-contract guy not done yet!
Rest time. Victor Wembanyama isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Rumor has it Victor Wembanyama has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Napoleon bricks it when it matters! The battle standard accuracy went home early!
Victor Wembanyama picks up the second technical! This seasoned vet ejected! Tendency to force bad shots!
The commentators can't stop talking about Joseph Stalin's revolutionary background and their bare hands!
Joseph Stalin forces the hero ball and misses! This household name with injury-prone body!
Tim Duncan walks off in silence. This guy everybody knows gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Tim Duncan isolates in a corner, back against the wall. Stephen Curry tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
125-86 (W)
Joseph Stalin, this pocket rocket, announced to huge cheers! An electric crowd!
Victor Wembanyama strings together a free throw from mid-range. A gym-rat work ethic on full display!
This reliable star Stephen Curry with assist number points! Nerves of steel on display!
Tim Duncan, this bonafide star, operates from downtown with a two-handed slam! Clinic!
Napoleon contests the shot! Reaching like a military leader reaching for the war front!
Halftime whistle. Victor Wembanyama high-fives his teammates on the way out. Confession: Victor Wembanyama calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
This name that's buzzing Victor Wembanyama with a beautiful pull-up jumper at the top of the key! Poetry in motion!
This elite player Tim Duncan finishes with a statement game! Silky smooth technique throughout!
Victor Wembanyama takes off and the damn ball goes into the stands! Free souvenir!
Napoleon celebrates with a bench mob celebration! Mimicking rallying the war front on the court!
Stephen Curry, this tweener, celebrates the win! A bench mob celebration! What a game!
Stephen Curry and Joseph Stalin slap each other's butts. Tim Duncan declines the invitation. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
102-94 (W)
Napoleon starts in the power forward! Playing the power forward the way a military leader plays with the battle standard!
Victor Wembanyama pulls up and drills a buzzer beater! Can't teach that!
Joseph Stalin with the suffocating defense! This hall-of-fame lock is a wall out there!
Joseph Stalin delivers in transition! Fast delivery, like a revolutionary with their bare hands!
Tim Duncan, this beanpole, exploits the mismatch at half court! Smart play!
End of the second quarter. Victor Wembanyama is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Fun fact: Victor Wembanyama tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
Stephen Curry, this headliner, reads the play perfectly and delivers an off-balance shot!
This big-name player Tim Duncan silences the hostile crowd! Wild stands shifts!
Stephen Curry finds the open teammate! This established star making everyone better!
Remember this moment! Stephen Curry is making history with a devastating dunk!
Victor Wembanyama, this big fella, acknowledges the fans! A boiling cauldron! A slide across the hardwood!
Joseph Stalin rips off his jersey and launches it into the crowd. Napoleon does the same. The coach rolls his eyes. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
89-118 (L)
Stephen Curry fires up the crowd to open the game! This big-name player starting strong!
Tim Duncan, this big fella, can't get a two-handed slam to drop! Cold as ice tonight!
Stephen Curry, this smooth operator, gets stripped in the paint! Lack of consistency exposed!
Stephen Curry gambles for the steal and pays the price! Injury-prone body!
Napoleon with the smooth floater! This once-in-a-lifetime player making it look easy!
Halftime. The doctor examines Tim Duncan's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Word is Tim Duncan sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
This jersey-selling name Stephen Curry throws an elbow in frustration! Ego the size of Texas on full display!
Napoleon throws up a clunker! The battle standard would weep at that trajectory!
Tim Duncan, this headliner, draws the double team and finds the open man! High IQ!
Joseph Stalin gets the mercy sub! Mercy, like a revolutionary begging the game for mercy!
Joseph Stalin walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to revolutionary life tomorrow!
Stephen Curry mutters 'damn' under his breath. Tim Duncan says 'yeah' in the same tone. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
95-98 (L)
This well-respected player Victor Wembanyama catches the rock early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Stephen Curry, this versatile guy, glides to from the left corner for a silky devastating dunk!
Joseph Stalin loses the screen battle! Occasional mental lapses around the picks!
Napoleon misfires again! Having the war front-shaped night!
Victor Wembanyama, this towering presence, drills the momentum shot! The building believes!
Break! Napoleon takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Fun fact: Napoleon got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.
Victor Wembanyama posts up but can't score in the extra period! Opportunity lost!
Joseph Stalin storms to the bench! This certified GOAT candidate is visibly upset!
Stephen Curry, this versatile guy, carries the weight of the team on those shoulders!
Joseph Stalin gets called for the foul! Clumsy as a revolutionary with the game at closing time!
Napoleon looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a military leader!
Tim Duncan isolates in a corner, back against the wall. Joseph Stalin tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
92-108 (L)
This certified bucket Tim Duncan comes out aggressive! Opens with a tear drop in transition!
Joseph Stalin, this little firecracker, wastes a golden chance with a wild buzzer-beater!
Tim Duncan, this titan, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted in the paint!
Stephen Curry bites on the pump fake! This world-class player sent flying on the low block!
A half-court heave from Stephen Curry from mid-range! That's a certified bucket-getter!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Victor Wembanyama asks for an ice pack. True story: Victor Wembanyama walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Boston Ring-Chasers. Awkward. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
This franchise guy Tim Duncan hangs the head after the miss! Deflated at half court!
Napoleon fades away the Spalding into the front rim! That's frustrating for this undisputed superstar!
Victor Wembanyama pushes the pace in transition! Insane court vision showing in every play!
Napoleon finds a second wind! The military leader engine roars back to life!
This guy with a proven track record Victor Wembanyama leaves the court with head held high. Fought to the end.
Tim Duncan hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Napoleon keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. I learned tonight that Tim Duncan used to be a military leader. That explains the unique running style. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
93-131 (L)
Joseph Stalin announces themselves! The revolutionary has arrived and the building knows it!
Joseph Stalin misses the triple! Three-pointers aren't like triple-checking the game!
Joseph Stalin gets the ball stripped! The game would have stayed in a revolutionary's grip!
Tim Duncan gives up the back door! Heavy feet when overplaying!
This certified bucket Tim Duncan can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Break! Tim Duncan rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Rumor has it Tim Duncan has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Stephen Curry can't hit the ocean right now! Another miss for this reliable star!
This All-Star caliber talent Stephen Curry can't close out! The legs are shot facing the rim!
Napoleon commits the live-ball turnover! The battle standard would be ashamed!
Napoleon slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a military leader hits the workbench!
Victor Wembanyama, this towering presence, hangs the head. Tough loss despite pure God-given talent effort.
Napoleon unclasps his chain and squeezes it in his fist. Victor Wembanyama runs a hand down his face. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
96-122 (L)
This established player Victor Wembanyama in the starting lineup! Let's see what this established player brings!
Tim Duncan posts up but the shot rims out! Tendency to rush rears its ugly head!
This established star Stephen Curry with turnover number lengths ahead! Heavy feet is piling up!
This reliable star Stephen Curry gives up the offensive rebound! Heavy feet when boxing out!
Tim Duncan with an unmatched feel for the game finds the angle for a fadeaway jumper!
Back in the locker room, Stephen Curry sits down and stares at the ceiling. Did you know Stephen Curry once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
Napoleon argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to rallying the war front!
Napoleon misses from the corner! At half court is no place for the battle standard!
Joseph Stalin uses their size out there! The revolutionary has a built-in advantage!
Stephen Curry shoots a step slower than usual! Sometimes predictable game in the tank!
Stephen Curry, this combo guard, trudges off the court. Lessons to take from this one.
Napoleon refuses the coach's embrace. Stephen Curry accepts it but his body is stiff. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
My Team ends the season #9 with a 8W-7L record. Season MVP: Victor Wembanyama.
Season journal
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