My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇦🇺
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 4 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Denver Horse-Track | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 7 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 8 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 9 | Houston Blast-Off | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Miami Heart-Attack | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Phoenix No-Defense | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Stop. Everybody shut up. You feel that? That smell of freshly waxed hardwood, brand-new kicks, and electric tension hanging in the air? That's the smell of a night that's going down in the history books. We're in a building where every seat is taken, every eye is locked on the tunnel where a team that has thrilled generations is about to emerge. Championships, heartbreaks, legendary comebacks, midnight trades that shifted the entire balance of the league... This franchise is a damn novel all by itself. And tonight, we're starting the next chapter. The team with no name, baby! Listen, I've watched hundreds of players come and go in my broadcasting career, but Kobe Bryant is something else entirely. He's the kind of player who makes you jump out of your chair and scream "OH SHIT" at your TV without even realizing it. Standing at 198 cm, a wingspan like a pterodactyl, and a killer instinct that even the coaches can't explain. This man feels the game. He knows where the ball is going to land before the shot even leaves the hand. He reads passes like he's reading minds. At this level, it's not basketball anymore, it's straight-up sorcery. And the most terrifying thing about him? It's not the stats, it's not the size, it's the calm. You know that moment where the arena is on its feet, the clock is ticking down the final seconds, sweat is pouring... And he's just chewing his gum like he's waiting for the bus? Then he loads up. And drains it. Stone cold. In front of 20,000 people on the verge of cardiac arrest. That's what a franchise player is: the guy who carries everyone on his shoulders and still makes it look easy. Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Nathan Cleary, his brother-in-law and a rugby league player by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying their league jersey and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Nathan Cleary can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for the defensive line to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench. The budget is like the guy who goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu, orders one entree and splits the dessert. It's not poverty, but it's not the high life either. They've got a decent roster, nobody's complaining, but nobody's saying "damn, what a squad" either. Solid without being spectacular. The kind of team that beats you on a Tuesday and you've forgotten about them by Wednesday morning. But underestimate them and they'll make you pay.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
87-127 (L)
Nathan Cleary lands the first floater! First blood! The rugby league player strikes first!
Michael Jackson launches and misses! The ball isn't the game, and it shows!
Superman throws it away! A pass worse than a superhero tossing the game!
Charlie Kirk bites on the fake! Fooled like a conspiracy theorist by counterfeit the game!
Superman slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a superhero hits the workbench!
Players head to the locker room. Kobe Bryant has tape on three fingers. Fun fact: Kobe Bryant tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
A catch-and-shoot triple from Kobe Bryant sails wide! This absolute legend needs to regroup!
Nathan Cleary labors up the court! Trudging like a rugby league player dragging the defensive line!
Michael Jackson passes to nobody! This generational talent with a head-scratching decision!
Nathan Cleary glares at the ball! Like it personally betrayed this rugby league player!
Charlie Kirk tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we competes better, like the game!'
Michael Jackson's eyes are red, jaw tight. Nathan Cleary apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
96-106 (L)
Nathan Cleary sets the tone early! The rugby league player came to play tonight!
Charlie Kirk can't get it to fall! Gravity treats the pill differently than the game!
Sloppy handling by Michael Jackson! Competing the game is done with more finesse!
Kobe Bryant gets posted up and scored on! This household name overpowered!
This guy with rings on every finger Superman capitalizes at the buzzer! An alley-oop with night-in night-out consistency!
Time to breathe. Nathan Cleary has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Juicy anecdote: Nathan Cleary was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
Charlie Kirk mouths off on a strategic timeout! A conspiracy theorist venting about the game!
Superman dribbles but the shot rims out! Limited stamina rears its ugly head!
Kobe Bryant dribbles the ball out of the trap! Unreal swagger under pressure!
Kobe Bryant, this first-ballot legend, with the tired turnover! Legs and mind fatigued!
Charlie Kirk leaves the gymnasium with dignity! The dignity of a conspiracy theorist with their bare hands!
Nathan Cleary lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Kobe Bryant holds his in. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
85-112 (L)
Kobe Bryant, this basketball god, draws first blood! A pull-up jumper to start!
Kobe Bryant pulls up the basketball into nothing! Ego the size of Texas on full display tonight!
Nathan Cleary loses possession! The defensive line never leaves a rugby league player's hands like that!
Charlie Kirk, this combo guard, lets the shooter get free driving to the hoop! Costly lapse!
Superman finishes with style! Years of competing the game built those hands!
The players head in. Superman slips on the wet tunnel floor. Anecdote of the day: Superman forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Superman walks away muttering! Muttering about the game under their breath!
Charlie Kirk misfires! The conspiracy theorist's precision with the game is nowhere to be found!
Michael Jackson uses their size out there! The philanthropist has a built-in advantage!
Superman cramps up! Muscles tight from their bare hands and the ball double duty!
Charlie Kirk sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a conspiracy theorist after their bare hands broke!
Nathan Cleary's eyes are red, jaw tight. Michael Jackson apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
84-112 (L)
Michael Jackson wins the opening tip! Tipping off with philanthropist energy!
Nathan Cleary misses the open look! A rugby league player never misses the defensive line... But misses the Wilson!
This dark horse Nathan Cleary commits the 5-second violation! Clock management heavy feet!
Superman turns the head and loses the man! This all-time great napping defensively!
Charlie Kirk catches fire! And it's a pull-up jumper! Scary good handles taking over!
Into the tunnel. Nathan Cleary grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Anecdote of the day: Nathan Cleary forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Charlie Kirk buries their face! Hidden from view, the conspiracy theorist can't watch!
Michael Jackson misfires at half court! Even this generational talent has off nights!
Michael Jackson, this guy with rings on every finger, times the cut perfectly! Backdoor for a half-court heave!
Michael Jackson is running on fumes! The philanthropist tank is completely empty!
Charlie Kirk, this basketball god, takes the loss hard. Defense that's basically a suggestion at the wrong moments.
Nathan Cleary's eyes are glassy. Kobe Bryant mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
95-99 (L)
Tip-off! Michael Jackson gets us started! Let's go!
Superman with the tough pull-up jumper through contact! This all-time great won't be denied!
Nathan Cleary loses the screen battle! Defense that's basically a suggestion around the picks!
Superman misses! Even a superhero can't fix that shot!
Michael Jackson turns the tide! Turning the game around with their bare hands finesse!
The locker room fills up. Charlie Kirk has already eaten three oranges. Small detail: Charlie Kirk wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
Superman misses the game-tying shot! Even a superhero couldn't save that one!
This absolute legend Kobe Bryant fouls hard out of frustration! Occasional mental lapses showing!
Michael Jackson, this living legend, delivers a live masterclass! Wisdom and poise!
Nathan Cleary turns it over at the last second! This raw talent crumbles under pressure!
Michael Jackson, this compact dynamo, trudges off the palace of hoops. Lessons to take from this one.
Michael Jackson punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. Charlie Kirk slides down the wall to the floor. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
97-120 (L)
This global icon Kobe Bryant comes out aggressive! Opens with a sky hook off the pick and roll!
Kobe Bryant, this 7-footer, gets the look but can't convert from way beyond the arc!
Michael Jackson coughs it up! A philanthropist's grip doesn't work on the Spalding!
Michael Jackson loses the battle in the paint! Being a philanthropist doesn't help you here!
Kobe Bryant knocks down a reverse layup driving to the hoop! Ice in the veins!
Halftime! Kobe Bryant looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Fun fact: Kobe Bryant was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Charlie Kirk pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The conspiracy theorist in them is showing!
A step-back three from Nathan Cleary catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
Kobe Bryant, this mountain of a man, posts up the smaller defender! Mismatch hunting!
Superman, this smooth operator, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
Nathan Cleary wipes a tear! A rugby league player who poured everything into the effort!
Charlie Kirk takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. Kobe Bryant follows the same path. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
90-116 (L)
Superman shoots with energy from the opening whistle! This all-time great locked in!
Nathan Cleary forces a pull-up jumper from way beyond the arc! This player nobody saw coming trying too hard!
Michael Jackson gets picked! A philanthropist getting the game stolen in broad daylight!
Nathan Cleary watches helplessly! A rugby league player watching the defensive line fall off the shelf!
Kobe Bryant strings together a reverse layup under the basket. Freakish explosiveness on full display!
Halftime. Superman is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Little secret: Superman has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
Michael Jackson, this certified GOAT candidate, yells at the coaching staff! Defense that's basically a suggestion causing friction!
Michael Jackson gets blocked! Rejected harder than a philanthropist's worst day on the job!
This hall-of-fame lock Kobe Bryant adjusts the angle mid-drive! Eyes in the back of the head body control!
Nathan Cleary is cramping up! This dude out of nowhere trying to shake it off! Shaky emotions under pressure!
This all-time great Superman tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Charlie Kirk walks toward the tunnel without a word. Kobe Bryant stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
89-117 (L)
Superman bounces the Wilson pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Charlie Kirk misfires again! Having the game-shaped night!
Charlie Kirk loses the pill! A conspiracy theorist would never be this careless!
Superman, this smooth operator, gets exploited in the switch! Tendency to rush exposed in the mismatch!
Kobe Bryant with the smooth off-balance shot! This absolute legend making it look easy!
Halftime. Charlie Kirk throws his towel on the floor walking in. Did you know Charlie Kirk keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.
Charlie Kirk shoots and kicks the stanchion! This absolute legend losing composure!
Kobe Bryant dribbles the Wilson into the front rim! That's frustrating for this certified GOAT candidate!
Kobe Bryant reads the defense perfectly! Eyes in the back of the head and a sky-high basketball IQ!
Charlie Kirk, this hall-of-fame lock, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
Michael Jackson vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their bare hands reinforced with the game!
Michael Jackson taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. Nathan Cleary walks through the door without pushing it. I learned that Michael Jackson's father was a conspiracy theorist. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
104-109 (L)
Michael Jackson looks dialed in from the start! An off-the-charts basketball IQ preparation showing!
Charlie Kirk rises up the damn ball into an off-balance shot! Eyes in the back of the head shining through!
This generational talent Michael Jackson picks up the cheap foul! Tendency to force bad shots showing!
Superman, this combo guard, gets the look in transition but the lid's on the rim!
Kobe Bryant, this franchise cornerstone, makes the huge stop! Defense fueling the comeback!
Both teams head to the locker room. Nathan Cleary wipes his forehead with his jersey. Intel: Nathan Cleary refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
Nathan Cleary throws it away with the game on the line! Sometimes predictable game!
Superman vents at their teammates! The superhero who vents about the game!
Scouts overlooked a superhero. They won't overlook Superman after tonight's their bare hands show!
Michael Jackson turns it over on the inbound pass! Worst time to drop the orange!
Superman refuses to make excuses! A superhero owns the game failures too!
Superman unclasps his chain and squeezes it in his fist. Michael Jackson runs a hand down his face. Evening confession: I'm wearing Superman's jersey under my shirt. For morale. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
80-125 (L)
Michael Jackson gets the starting nod! A philanthropist starting with their bare hands confidence!
This generational talent Kobe Bryant misfires again! Sometimes predictable game could cost the team!
Michael Jackson coughs up the basketball! Lack of consistency strikes again from downtown!
Michael Jackson fouls trying to recover! Desperate as a philanthropist chasing the game!
Kobe Bryant, this oversized freak, throws the hands up! Exasperated from way beyond the arc!
Off to the locker room. Michael Jackson has already drained two water bottles. Intel: Michael Jackson once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
Superman can't buy a shot! Wouldn't happen with the game, a superhero always hits!
Michael Jackson slows down visibly! Slower than their bare hands on low power!
Nathan Cleary with the lazy pass! Lack of consistency leading to easy points!
Michael Jackson, this household name, barks at the teammate! Injury-prone body taking over!
Nathan Cleary hangs their head! A rugby league player who gave everything they had!
Kobe Bryant stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Charlie Kirk comes back to get him. I learned that Kobe Bryant's father was a conspiracy theorist. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
96-128 (L)
Nathan Cleary locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a rugby league player who means business!
Charlie Kirk clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their bare hands hitting the game!
Nathan Cleary throws it away! Hot head under pressure from downtown!
Michael Jackson lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this basketball god fooled!
A finger roll from Charlie Kirk! Another dagger! This guy with rings on every finger closing the door!
Back in the locker room, Charlie Kirk sits down and stares at the ceiling. Anecdote: Charlie Kirk fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.
Superman tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the superhero will bounce back!
A two-handed slam from Charlie Kirk hits the iron! Tendency to rush under the spotlight!
Charlie Kirk makes the hockey assist! The unsung play of a conspiracy theorist behind the game!
Charlie Kirk misses from fatigue! Tired arms from competing the game all week!
Michael Jackson tips the cap to the winners! The philanthropist's grace with the game!
Michael Jackson takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Kobe Bryant doesn't drink. Throat too tight. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
88-114 (L)
Nathan Cleary opens with a free throw! This unknown gem making an early statement!
Air ball from Michael Jackson! Being a philanthropist doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Charlie Kirk botches the handoff! Even their bare hands exchanges go smoother!
Michael Jackson gambles for the steal and pays the price! Shaky emotions under pressure!
This household name Superman with a vintage buzzer-beater! The old magic is still there!
Halftime! Kobe Bryant checks his stats on the board and winces. Intel: Kobe Bryant asked Cleveland Twin-Towers for their energy drink recipe. They refused. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
Charlie Kirk can't hide the frustration! Their bare hands frustration meets the pill frustration!
Charlie Kirk misses the open look! This potential GOAT can't believe it! Tendency to force bad shots!
Kobe Bryant, this walking skyscraper, sets a brick-wall screen! Next-level basketball IQ on full display!
Kobe Bryant, this titan, with tired legs from the right corner! Lack of consistency slowing this global icon down!
Despite the loss, Nathan Cleary held their own with the defensive line! The rugby league player fought!
Kobe Bryant refuses Cleveland Twin-Towers's handshake. Charlie Kirk offers a limp one with just his fingertips. Behind the scenes, I learned Charlie Kirk was also a conspiracy theorist in a past life. You can feel it in the game. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
73-118 (L)
And we're underway! Kobe Bryant touches the Wilson first! This potential GOAT looks eager!
Charlie Kirk gets the friendly rim but no luck! Even the conspiracy theorist touch can't save that one!
Turnover by Nathan Cleary! Charging the defensive line requires less coordination, clearly!
Charlie Kirk gives up the back door! Limited stamina when overplaying!
Superman storms to the bench! Heated! This superhero doesn't handle losing well!
Intermission. Charlie Kirk dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Intel: Charlie Kirk once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
Michael Jackson rushes a step-back three in the paint! Sometimes predictable game creeping in!
Superman is dead on their feet! Running on fumes, the superhero is spent!
Nathan Cleary forces the pass! Forcing their league jersey where it doesn't fit!
Nathan Cleary is visibly upset! Upset as a rugby league player when the defensive line goes sideways!
Kobe Bryant, this all-time great, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Michael Jackson has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Charlie Kirk has aged ten years in forty minutes. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
82-127 (L)
Michael Jackson huddles with the team! Huddling up, the philanthropist strategizes!
Kobe Bryant fires a buzzer beater from the right corner but can't connect! Tendency to force bad shots showing!
Charlie Kirk dribbles it off their foot! Their bare hands would never betray a conspiracy theorist like that!
Kobe Bryant, this absolute unit, can't keep up with the speed! Hot head exposed!
Michael Jackson, this undersized dog, waves off the play call! Defense that's basically a suggestion hurting the team!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Michael Jackson asks for an ice pack. Little scoop: Michael Jackson tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.
This first-ballot legend Superman whiffs on a step-back three! The crowd groans!
Superman can't get lift! Legs heavy as their bare hands after the contest!
Michael Jackson loses the damn ball in traffic! This all-time great can't afford that!
Superman drops the head after another miss! Tendency to force bad shots sapping the confidence!
Superman walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to superhero life tomorrow!
Kobe Bryant clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Charlie Kirk fidgets with his wristband nervously. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
88-132 (L)
Michael Jackson steps onto the temple of basketball! From competing the game to this, game time!
This household name Charlie Kirk shanks a layup off the pick and roll! That's uncharacteristic!
Kobe Bryant with the backcourt violation! This certified GOAT candidate under too much pressure!
Charlie Kirk can't contain the drive! Competing the game is more containable!
Superman mutters to himself walking back! This global icon fighting inner demons!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Kobe Bryant asks for an ice pack. True story: Kobe Bryant had his parking spot stolen by Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest's mascot. Still talks about it. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
Nathan Cleary, this tweener, can't get a reverse layup to drop! Cold as ice tonight!
Kobe Bryant asks for the ball to slow the pace! This household name needs air!
Michael Jackson with the backcourt violation! A philanthropist going backwards with the game!
Superman shoots the towel! This generational talent showing defense that's basically a suggestion!
Superman steps back to the tunnel in disappointment. This potential GOAT will learn from this.
Superman collapses into the first available chair. Charlie Kirk stays standing, eyes glazed over. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Kobe Bryant.
Season journal
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