Man — football_team 🇬🇧

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-0 (W)

The ref blows up! Nicolas Jackson's shot is blocked by an arm in the box. Penalty, and you can't argue with that one. GOOOOAL from Lamine Yamal! ICE COLD penalty, he places it left, the keeper goes right. Total composure!

Nicolas Jackson climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Lamine Yamal films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Tino Livramento intercepts the ball, he was a step ahead of everyone on the pitch. Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. WIIIIIDE! Jamie Gittens put plenty on it but the ball slides just past the frame of the goal.

Paolo Maldini jumps too early and comes back down before the ball arrives, the opponent profits and wins the duel. Diogo Costa parries it back into the middle, that is dangerous! Paolo Maldini launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty.

Piero Hincapié throws himself into the passing lane and comes away with the ball. Phenomenal reading of the game. Short build-up from Piero Hincapié to Jamie Gittens, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Jamie Gittens sends the defender the wrong way with a stepover, that is technically brutal. Jamie Gittens fires a powerful cross into the danger zone, Karim Benzema throws himself at it. It is heating up in the box. Header from Karim Benzema, it flies just past the post, he had to hit the target there.

Diogo Costa sparks the transition with a quick throw to Jamie Gittens, the break is lightning fast. Jamie Gittens launches himself and thumps a dominant header on the cross. The opponent was still on the ground while Jamie Gittens was flying. Lightning overlap from Jamie Gittens, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides. Perfect pull-back from Jamie Gittens, Lamine Yamal receives it facing goal inside the area. Dream scenario. Diogo Costa palms the ball away with a firm hand. Corner. The attacker cannot believe it.

The physio announces the GPS stats: "Diogo Costa has covered seven kilometres already." Karim Benzema shouts: "That is because {he} has been chasing their winger all half!" Diogo Costa fires back: "At least I caught him, unlike you last week." Laughter all round. The gaffer taps the board. "Focus, lads. Same energy second half." Here's one for the ages — Diogo Costa is the reigning champion of the dressing room biscuit dunking competition. His record is a full eleven-second dunk with a digestive. No breakage. At 192, his hand-to-mug coordination is genuinely world class. And now, our TV game show Only Fools and Quizzes! To win a genuine Reliant Robin air freshener, text 3678 and answer: 'In which year did Del Boy last say this time next year we will be millionaires and actually mean it?' The tunnel spits the players back onto the pitch one by one. Diogo Costa comes out with that walk. You know the one. Shoulders back, chest out. Something has clicked.

Thierry Henry goes all in with the tackle but comes away with nothing but thin air. Diogo Costa parries it weakly into the middle, the attacker is a whisker from opening the scoring! Tino Livramento clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched.

Alejandro Balde with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! Alejandro Balde to Nicolas Jackson, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages. Pass, pass, pass, back to the keeper... same old script.

The bench is screaming, the fans roaring, one last massive push. The keeper is up, Diogo Costa getting ready to meet the corner with his head. Paolo Maldini wins his duel in the air and heads it down for Piero Hincapié. Aerial dominance in the service of the team. Paolo Maldini links up with Thierry Henry, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up.

The corner from Karim Benzema is snuffed out by the defence, a defender clears at the near post. Alejandro Balde clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep.

Monster clearance from Paolo Maldini! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. Rolling forward like a freight train, the opposition are hanging on. Jamie Gittens curls a cross to the near post, Alejandro Balde is lurking in the box.

GET IN THERE! Diogo Costa slides on his knees across the wet turf, Piero Hincapié piles on top, and suddenly half the squad is in a heap. The physio's already panicking about someone's hamstring. Paris Saint-Glinglin can only watch. That's what it means to this lot. Terry from Peckham says Del Boy has never once meant it and that's the beauty of it all. Enjoy the Reliant Robin air freshener, Terry! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

2-1 (W)

Concrete low block, even set pieces aren't getting through. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. Karim Benzema winds up and SMASHES it! The ball flies like a rocket and ends up smack in the goal. INCREDIBLE!

Karim Benzema does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Lamine Yamal launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Diogo Costa arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

Jamie Gittens sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. Jamie Gittens dinks his cross over the centre-halves, Alejandro Balde arrives at full pace behind them. GOOOOAL! Alejandro Balde places his header from the cross by Nicolas Jackson, immaculate!

Sideways, backwards, sideways again, the crowd is getting restless. The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. Tino Livramento sends an aerial beauty to Lamine Yamal, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile.

Delicious through ball from Thierry Henry, the ball slides in behind the centre-halves and Lamine Yamal is there to gobble it up. Lamine Yamal drifts just offside as Thierry Henry plays the pass, the flag goes up. Agonising! A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent. Good ball from Paolo Maldini to Tino Livramento, playing it quick between the lines.

Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. Karim Benzema threads the needle between the two centre-backs, Lamine Yamal bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. OHHH what a strike from Lamine Yamal! On target, thundering towards goal but the keeper stands firm. Huge save. Lamine Yamal takes the corner but the opposition defence is well organized, cleared.

Alejandro Balde is planning the celebration already. "If I score in the second half, I am doing the knee slide right in front of their lot," {he} tells Piero Hincapié, who replies: "Last time you tried that you pulled your hamstring." The dressing room erupts. The gaffer shakes his head. "Just score the goal, we will worry about the celebration later." In a baffling move, Piero Hincapié adopted a tortoise named Gary Lineker. At 24, the footballer insists Gary brings calm to the household, despite the tortoise doing absolutely nothing at all times. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 3737 and answer this question: 'What is the pH level of a Greggs steak bake?' And we are back underway! Thierry Henry jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

Perfectly executed challenge by Alejandro Balde, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb. Phenomenal run from Alejandro Balde, he cuts through the midfield like a hot knife through butter.

Intelligent short corner from João Neves to Alejandro Balde, they refuse the aerial cross. Perfect cut-back from Alejandro Balde, Lamine Yamal receives it on the deck in acres of space. Dream scenario. NOOOOO Lamine Yamal! The goal was empty, Paolo Maldini puts it on his foot and he blazes it over the bar! A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all.

What a block! Paolo Maldini slides in with impeccable timing and takes the ball away. That's defending at its finest. Paolo Maldini slides a beauty through the gap, Lamine Yamal is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. Lamine Yamal goes for it and fires! Wide, just to the left of goal. Not far off at all. We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough.

Absolutely dreadful! México No-Era-Penal score and we have only ourselves to blame.

Diogo Costa runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Tino Livramento joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. Paolo Maldini puts Lamine Yamal into orbit with a laser-guided through ball. The kind of pass that lifts an entire stadium to its feet. Lamine Yamal wants to find Karim Benzema between the lines but the weight is all wrong. Intercepted.

Free kick played short, Jamie Gittens to Lamine Yamal, they bypass the wall with the combination. Lamine Yamal shifts it to Thierry Henry with a short pass, threading it between two defenders.

What a performance! Alejandro Balde exchanges jerseys with the México No-Era-Penal skipper — firm handshake, quiet word, respect between competitors. Then he turns and unleashes a primal scream at the sky. Diogo Costa just laughs. "He does that every time we win," he tells the camera. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Colin Flannel-Trousers, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the pH level of a Greggs steak bake?'. The answer was of course off the scale entirely, scientists refuse to measure it on moral grounds. Colin wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

3-2 (W)

Oh no, Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score! Their forward was left completely unmarked, schoolboy defending.

Diogo Costa legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Jamie Gittens tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Jamie Gittens presses high and the defender loses the ball under pressure. It is simple, it is effective, it is intensity football. Sharp cut inside from Jamie Gittens, the defender is left rooted to the spot. That is nasty. GOOOOAL from Jamie Gittens! On the inswinging cross from Lamine Yamal, he places his shot along the ground and the ball is in!

Perfect back flip from Jamie Gittens right in front of the home end, five-star landing. Paolo Maldini tries the same behind him, lands flat on his arse, the whole squad doubled over laughing. Even Diogo Costa has made it up, hands on knees, breathless. Proper scenes.

Clinical interception from Alejandro Balde, he cuts out the pass between the opposition lines and breaks forward on the counter. The crowd loves it, and rightly so. Key pass from Alejandro Balde! It fizzes between the lines and Piero Hincapié collects on the run, the defence is left for dead. GOOOAL! Piero Hincapié sneaks in front of the keeper and diverts the ball with the tip of his boot. No keeper can do better!

Alejandro Balde rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Paolo Maldini jumps on his back, Diogo Costa is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

They've done it! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Diogo Costa points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. Paolo Maldini comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

Every player defending like their life depends on it, the block stands firm. Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. GOOOOOAL! Nicolas Jackson places it inside the post from the cross by Jamie Gittens, the keeper was well positioned but had no chance!

Nicolas Jackson mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Karim Benzema plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Diogo Costa plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

Karim Benzema is telling anyone who will listen about the nutmeg {he} put on their centre-half. "Did you see his face? Mate, he looked like he had seen a ghost!" Nicolas Jackson adds: "The poor lad is probably still turning." The gaffer lets the banter flow. Happy dressing room, happy results. Roommates on away trips confirm Alejandro Balde sleepwalks to the hotel minibar and eats all the Pringles unconsciously. At 23, the lad has no memory of it and denies the crumb evidence every single time. And now, our TV game show Homes Under the Hammer Price! To win a doorknob from a house that needed a lot of work, text 0800FIXER and answer: 'What does a lot of potential mean in estate agent language?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Karim Benzema high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

Last roll of the dice, legs are gone but the belief is still there. Right-footed cross from Jamie Gittens, the ball bends beautifully into the box and seeks out Lamine Yamal. Lamine Yamal crosses too far from the target, the ball drifts towards the opposite touchline. Authoritative clearance from Tino Livramento in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards.

The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. Clumsy challenge from Jamie Gittens, stands on the opponent's foot. Unintentional but still a foul. Jamie Gittens pretends to strike and lays it off to Lamine Yamal, well worked short free kick. Lamine Yamal takes on his man with a sharp turn, one touch and it is done. Clean. JUST WIIIIIDE from Lamine Yamal! Right idea but it slides past the far post by inches.

Crunching tackle by Tino Livramento on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it. Tino Livramento picks out Piero Hincapié with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Piero Hincapié eliminates his opponent with a short piece of skill, absolutely surgical. Piero Hincapié pulls the opponent back as he tries to break. Cynical but necessary. Piero Hincapié finally goes into the book. Third foul, the ref had enough of it.

Intense pressing, the defender panics and lumps it anywhere. Lovely interception from Piero Hincapié, he anticipated the movement and cut off the pass before it reached its target. Piero Hincapié opens up to Alejandro Balde on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Textbook tackle from Alejandro Balde there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted.

Tackle miles off from Thierry Henry, absolutely done in by the attacker's quick feet. Diogo Costa grazes the leather with his fingertips and turns it over! World class goalkeeping. The corner from Alejandro Balde is met by a defender who volleys it out for a throw-in.

Quick exchange between Tino Livramento and Nicolas Jackson, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Nicolas Jackson spots the gap and sends Jamie Gittens into it with a perfectly weighted pass. The channel is wide open. Jamie Gittens sets it for Tino Livramento, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Tino Livramento slips Piero Hincapié in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever.

Alejandro Balde lights the fuse with a cutting pass for Piero Hincapié down the channel. The defence is caught cold, it is over for them. Flag up! Piero Hincapié was beyond the last man when Tino Livramento released the pass. Thierry Henry scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive.

It's over and we've won it! Karim Benzema grabs the corner flag and plants it at the centre spot like he's claiming new territory. Lamine Yamal pretends to salute. The fans are in absolute stitches. The manager pretends to be annoyed but you can see him smirking. Top, top scenes. Pauline from Wakefield says a lot of potential means the roof is missing and there may be foxes living in the bathroom. Doorknob for Pauline! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

2-1 (W)

Beautiful distribution from Diogo Costa to Tino Livramento, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. The opponent beats Tino Livramento to the near post and wins the header. Tino Livramento was caught on his heels. What a DOWNWARD header from Paolo Maldini! Sumptuous header on the cross from Nicolas Jackson, the ball dies in the bottom corner. GOAL!

Diogo Costa stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Piero Hincapié comes over and hugs him without a word.

Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Lamine Yamal reads the movement from Jamie Gittens and puts the ball right into the pocket of space. Game intelligence off the charts. OHHH the GOAL from Jamie Gittens! On the gift from Nicolas Jackson, he opens up his foot and sends the ball to the far post. SUMPTUOUS!

Lamine Yamal stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Alejandro Balde follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Diogo Costa plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end. Jamie Gittens shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for Lamine Yamal. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces. Lamine Yamal looks for Tino Livramento but the pass is way too long, that is going out for a throw-in.

Rapid break, the defenders are still trying to find their marks. João Neves hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust. João Neves loses the ball trying to dribble, the defender was the smarter of the two. Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered.

It's a goal for Dakar Teranga FC! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

The gaffer strolls into the dressing room with a grin wider than the Stretford End. Lamine Yamal is sprawled on the bench like {he} just won the pools. "More of the same, lads, more of the same," says the boss, tapping the tactics board once for emphasis. Someone chucks a towel at Thierry Henry and the whole room erupts. Proper buzzing in here. We can confirm that Diogo Costa owns a caravan called 'The Palace' which is parked permanently in a field near Whitby. It has no running water, a portable telly, and a signed photo of Peter Crouch. At 192, he can barely stand up inside it. And now, our TV game show Tipping Pointless! To win a B&Q gift card worth exactly one paintbrush, text 0800DIY and answer: 'How many trips to B&Q does it take to finish a single shelf?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Alejandro Balde leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

João Neves launches it to Jamie Gittens on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality. What a ball from Tino Livramento! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and Lamine Yamal is away on his own. That is velvet. Lamine Yamal bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket.

Thierry Henry triggers a change of flanks for Lamine Yamal, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Aerial duel won by Lamine Yamal, he outmuscles his opponent in the air. Aerial power is his bread and butter. Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end. SHOOOOOT from Thierry Henry, it's heading for the corner but the keeper gets across and tips it wide!

Free kick from Karim Benzema played as a cross, Jamie Gittens positions himself at the far post. Aerial duel lost by Jamie Gittens, he misjudged the flight of the ball and the opponent pounced. COLOSSAL save from Diogo Costa! The keeper reacted in a split second on that thunderbolt.

Rapid combination: Nicolas Jackson to João Neves, the ball barely touches the grass between them. João Neves spreads the play and finds Karim Benzema in a motorway on the left flank. The defence is stretched thin. Karim Benzema plays it simple to Lamine Yamal, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Lamine Yamal puts it right into the feet of Nicolas Jackson, one touch and away. Silky stuff.

Karim Benzema spreads it to Piero Hincapié, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Piero Hincapié tries the power drive and BOOOOM! On target but the keeper gets down and blocks. Saved! Corner from Piero Hincapié, good delivery but the defence reads it well and clears.

Diogo Costa launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Tino Livramento after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. One touch football: Tino Livramento to Nicolas Jackson, faster than the opposition can think. Nicolas Jackson gifts Alejandro Balde a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal.

Get in! Tino Livramento and Karim Benzema do the customary shirt swap with a couple of Dakar Teranga FC players — handshakes, mutual respect, the lot. Then Tino Livramento turns to the home end and cups his ears. The roar nearly takes the roof off. Pub's gonna be lively tonight. Steve from Sunderland says at least seven trips and that's before you realize you bought the wrong screws. The gift card is his! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

2-2 (L)

Blistering solo run from Nicolas Jackson, he covers sixty yards on his own, beating three defenders. PENALTY for Nicolas Jackson! He enters the box, the defender brings him down and the referee points to the spot! No DOUBT about it, it is a penalty. The pressure is ENORMOUS. GOOOAL! Nicolas Jackson sends the penalty in with a POWERFUL and PRECISE strike! The keeper was beaten. CONVERTED!

Nicolas Jackson legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Thierry Henry tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Ball recovered and they've gone from end to end in the blink of an eye. Lamine Yamal finds the gap and serves Thierry Henry in behind the last man. That is three-cushion snooker, that is. Delicate lob from Thierry Henry, the ball floats over the keeper and dies in the back of the net. ABSOLUTE class, that is Panenka in open play.

Jamie Gittens does not fancy the shot and goes short to Tino Livramento, trying to disorganise the defence. Tino Livramento beats his man with a sharp outside cut, the skill is absolutely effortless. Tino Livramento rolls it to Nicolas Jackson, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. The one-two between Nicolas Jackson and João Neves blows the defensive block apart. Give, run, return, done. Clinical.

Oh it's gone in! Douala Makossa-Corner find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

'I told you so' mode. Diogo Costa eyeballs the Douala Makossa-Corner bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Lamine Yamal pulls Diogo Costa away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking. Karim Benzema takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race. Lob from Karim Benzema over the entire defence, Alejandro Balde finds himself in acres of space. Everything is on. Lovely take from Diogo Costa! He comes off his line and claims the cross, clean as a whistle. Short restart from Diogo Costa to Tino Livramento, building from the back nice and tidy.

Tactical debate in the corner. Piero Hincapié wants to push higher. Nicolas Jackson reckons they will get done on the counter. The gaffer listens to both, arms folded, then makes the call: "We push up. Nicolas Jackson, you cover. If they break, you are the last man. No arguments." The room goes quiet. Orders received. A cracking detail — Piero Hincapié, standing at 184, once tried to fix a leaky tap in the dressing room and flooded the entire physio area. He blamed the water pressure, which is the most British excuse anyone has ever given for anything. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 9494 and answer this question: 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Karim Benzema is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Karim Benzema delivers a tidy ball to Thierry Henry, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Strike from Thierry Henry that thuds into the defensive wall. The defender threw himself in without fear. Piero Hincapié sends the corner in but a defender gets there first and heads it out for a throw. Paolo Maldini absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime.

Firm pass from Nicolas Jackson into Piero Hincapié, right into the boots. No waste. Piero Hincapié turns the game on its head with one razor-sharp pass for Paolo Maldini. The defence did not even have time to blink. Offside against Paolo Maldini! But that is so tight it's almost criminal! Jamie Gittens is beside himself. Tidy restart from Diogo Costa along the deck to Piero Hincapié, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Piero Hincapié shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class.

Lamine Yamal chips his cross over the back line, Tino Livramento is at the far post, free as a bird. Tino Livramento goes for goal of the season with the volley and it flies over. The stadium applauds anyway, that was special. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions.

Thierry Henry finds Tino Livramento between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Tino Livramento switches the play to Piero Hincapié on the far side, superb crossfield ball! Piero Hincapié dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution. Piero Hincapié goes into bullet-train mode and drives the length of the pitch. That is breathtaking.

Intense pressing from Lamine Yamal, he wins the ball back thirty yards from goal. Lamine Yamal shakes off the defender with a sharp cut, the path is clear. SHOOOOT from Lamine Yamal... just wide! Shaves the post, so close to going in.

GOAL! Douala Makossa-Corner have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

'I told you so' mode. Diogo Costa eyeballs the Douala Makossa-Corner bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Lamine Yamal pulls Diogo Costa away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

That is a tackle of the highest order from Alejandro Balde. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic. What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. What a hit from Nicolas Jackson! Absolute ROCKEEEET, on target but the keeper somehow claws it away!

Draw. Nicolas Jackson takes the time to shake every Douala Makossa-Corner player's hand, one by one — old habit, old manners. Thierry Henry follows suit. The screens show the stats: possession 50, shots on target 4 each. Perfect mirror. Neither side deserved more. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?'. The answer was of course 900 degrees Celsius, which is why the British stare at the floor numbers with such intensity. Maureen wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

2-2 (L)

Nicolas Jackson plays the simple ball to Paolo Maldini, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Paolo Maldini pulls it back along the ground for Nicolas Jackson, that is the perfect cut-back! GOOOOOAL for Nicolas Jackson! On the genius pass from Karim Benzema, he beats the keeper with a placed finish, MAGNIFICENT!

Nicolas Jackson climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Thierry Henry films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Step-overs from Jamie Gittens followed by an explosion of pace, the defender buys the feint and eats the dust. Jamie Gittens treats himself! He beats half the opposition team and finishes on his own, GOAL!

Jamie Gittens stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Karim Benzema comes over and hugs him without a word.

Karim Benzema delivers an inswinging free kick, Nicolas Jackson at the back post tries to get on the end of it. Header from Nicolas Jackson, he did everything right except the finish! It goes wide, the keeper thanks the woodwork. Lamine Yamal hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! Piero Hincapié wins his aerial duel with fierce determination, he outmuscles the attacker and comes away with possession.

Defensive organization is perfect, the opposition hits a brick wall. Brilliant tackle from Alejandro Balde! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending. Little shift from Alejandro Balde to Jamie Gittens, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Ball over the top from Jamie Gittens, Karim Benzema had timed the run half a second early and the timing is perfection.

We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. The ball pings around but the defenders are barely breaking sweat. Thierry Henry gives it to João Neves into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. It falls apart for João Neves, the pass goes the wrong way entirely, the opponent recovers and starts again.

"Sixty-two percent possession and not a single clear chance. You are passing it around like a game of piggy in the middle!" The gaffer slams the stats sheet on the table. Diogo Costa winces. Tino Livramento looks away. Something has got to change and everyone in this room knows it. Jamie Gittens once tweeted 'rate my Sunday roast' and the entire internet destroyed the 22-year-old for putting the Yorkshire puddings on a separate plate. The tweet was deleted within eleven minutes. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 5555 and answer this question: 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Karim Benzema sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

Paolo Maldini produces a sensational tackle in the box, wins the ball, no penalty shout. That takes serious courage. Fast break, one-touch football, they've cut them to ribbons. Jamie Gittens powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated. Jamie Gittens floats a cross in from the wing for Tino Livramento, the ball hangs in the box!

Oh that's terrible! Lagos No-Carry-Last score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

João Neves changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Alejandro Balde. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Magnificent leap from Alejandro Balde who dominates the aerial duel. When he takes off like that, nobody stands a chance. They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. Karim Benzema picks it up and goes coast to coast like a man possessed. Nobody is stopping him.

Karim Benzema delivers, it's a scramble! The ball ricochets off shins and heads, defense finally boots it away! Lamine Yamal hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match. Groans from the stands, this possession is going nowhere. Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill. They've grabbed the game by the scruff of the neck now.

Diogo Costa throws it out quickly to Nicolas Jackson, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Diagonal from Nicolas Jackson to Jamie Gittens, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Good run from Jamie Gittens who crosses to the near post for Alejandro Balde. The defender is beaten to it.

GOAL! Lagos No-Carry-Last have netted! Their forward pounced on the loose ball. Clinical.

Diogo Costa runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Thierry Henry joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

The corner from Lamine Yamal is claimed by a defender at the near post, nothing comes of it. Paolo Maldini heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one. Paolo Maldini looks up and launches a long pass towards Piero Hincapié. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Lay-off from Piero Hincapié to Lamine Yamal, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Fantastic high recovery from Lamine Yamal, he sprinted twenty yards to go and rip the ball away. The effort is immense.

1-1. Nicolas Jackson and Lamine Yamal are the last two off the pitch, as ever. The stadium is nearly empty, a groundsman is starting to fold up the advertising boards. "Next time," says Nicolas Jackson. "Next time," replies Lamine Yamal. And they vanish into the tunnel. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Gerald Musty-Carpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?'. The answer was of course the M42, originally called the Badger's Lament until the council shortened it. Gerald wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

3-2 (W)

Nicolas Jackson tears into the opposition build-up, running everywhere, and ends up stealing the ball. That man is a guard dog. Nicolas Jackson follows up the play perfectly on the strike from Jamie Gittens! The keeper parries, he prods it in. GOAL!

Nicolas Jackson fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. João Neves plays the medic running in. Diogo Costa plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

Alejandro Balde sees everything, understands everything, and intercepts at the perfect moment. That is the kind of player who makes a team unbeatable. Absolute peach from Alejandro Balde, threading it through for Jamie Gittens, the centre-halves are done for! GOOOAL for Jamie Gittens! He read the trajectory and slides the ball past the keeper. STRIKER'S goal!

Paolo Maldini with the last-ditch tackle, gets every bit of the ball and none of the man. The ref's happy, we're happy. Solo charge from Paolo Maldini, he sets off from midfield and arrives in the opposition box. GOAL! What a LOB from Paolo Maldini! On the pass from Jamie Gittens, he spots the keeper off his line and chips it with the TOP of his foot. The ball drops just on the line and goes in. CLASSY!

Paolo Maldini spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Thierry Henry gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Corner from Karim Benzema into the danger area but a defender heads it away, dealt with. Magnificent reading of the game from Tino Livramento, he intercepts between the lines and launches the counter. That kind of action turns a match on its head. Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart.

Thierry Henry drops a lofted ball to Jamie Gittens, it sails over the entire midfield line. Jamie Gittens lofts a cross into the box, Thierry Henry is there, sandwiched between two defenders, ready to pounce. Thierry Henry rises above his marker and wins the header! He got up higher than everyone.

The boss pulls João Neves aside: "You have been absolutely magnificent out there, mate. 22 years old and running the show like you own the place. Keep doing what you are doing." João Neves just nods, half-smile on {his} face, the quiet confidence of someone who knows {he} is having a blinder. We can exclusively reveal that Nicolas Jackson, standing 187, owns a pair of lucky pants that he's worn under his kit for three consecutive seasons. They're held together by hope and a single thread, but the results speak for themselves. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Be a Milliner! To win a Primark bag full of reduced Percy Pigs from M&S, text 0800PORK and answer: 'How many Percy Pigs can you fit in a shopping trolley?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. João Neves sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

What a mess! Barranquilla Toque-Toque capitalise on that blunder. We are our own worst enemy.

Diogo Costa fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. Thierry Henry plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

Alejandro Balde refuses to give up, sprints all the way back and arrives just in time to make the tackle. Alejandro Balde commits the tactical foul without hesitation. The bench nods in approval. Alejandro Balde picks up a yellow card for a clinical foul. Stopped the danger, paid the price. Alejandro Balde tries the free kick but the wall is well positioned and blocks it. That's that. The corner from Lamine Yamal comes to nothing, the defence clears at the first post.

Stunning tackle by Alejandro Balde in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. Transition play in overdrive, they're at the edge of the box already. Jamie Gittens puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins. Jamie Gittens reaches the byline and cuts it back for Thierry Henry arriving from the second wave.

Nightmare! Barranquilla Toque-Toque score! That goal was coming, we've been under the cosh.

Diogo Costa dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

The team in a low block is impenetrable, every cross dealt with. Huge tackle from Alejandro Balde! Went through the back door and nicked the ball before the striker could get his shot away. Wicked through ball from Alejandro Balde, the ball skims the grass and finds Tino Livramento who had set off before anyone else even noticed. Tino Livramento rifles one in, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper comes up big. Corner to the attacking side.

Diogo Costa distributes short to Lamine Yamal, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Smooth transition from Lamine Yamal to Alejandro Balde, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Alejandro Balde drops the defender with a fake shot. Clever as you like.

The free kick from Karim Benzema is a dangerous one, Nicolas Jackson meets it on the volley inside the six-yard box. Nicolas Jackson loses his duel in the air on the cross, the opponent got better positioning. SAVE from Diogo Costa! The attacker had a go but the keeper produced a MONUMENTAL hand.

What a result against Barranquilla Toque-Toque! Diogo Costa walks over to the travelling support, puts his hand on his heart, and bows. Alejandro Balde follows and throws his boots into the crowd. Some lad in row G is going home with a size 9 souvenir. Scenes. Sharon from Basildon says two hundred and six Percy Pigs, which she verified personally last Saturday. Primark bag and all, she's the winner! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-1 (L)

The ball from Tino Livramento rips through the defensive curtain, Alejandro Balde is flying into the space like an arrow. Alejandro Balde looks at the keeper, sees the angle, and places his shot! It is in, IT IS A GREAT GOAL!

Tino Livramento mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Karim Benzema raises Tino Livramento's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Diogo Costa plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

Tino Livramento clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive. Foul by Lamine Yamal, he had to make that challenge to stop the break. Tactical.

Blistering run from João Neves on the wing, the defender is chasing but never catches up. João Neves dives in the penalty area, hoping to con the referee. Not today, son. João Neves booked for simulation, he was looking for a penalty and found a yellow card instead. João Neves plays a low free kick into the box, Lamine Yamal cuts across to meet it in front of goal.

Diogo Costa hoofs it forward towards Thierry Henry, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Wing switch from Thierry Henry, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Paolo Maldini brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Cross from Paolo Maldini, he puts it on the far post for Tino Livramento. Tino Livramento tries a powerful cross but the defender is there and blocks everything.

No let-up now, balls raining into the penalty area nonstop. Everything on the line, Diogo Costa is up, nothing to lose now. What a leap from Paolo Maldini! He rises above the lot and wins the header with royal composure. Paolo Maldini slides it to Tino Livramento, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

The dressing room is silent apart from the fizz of isotonic drinks being opened and the squeak of boots on tiles. Lamine Yamal is biting {his} nails in the corner. Diogo Costa stares at the ceiling like it holds the answers to everything. The gaffer lets the silence do its work before delivering his half-time talk. Tino Livramento once tweeted 'rate my Sunday roast' and the entire internet destroyed the 24-year-old for putting the Yorkshire puddings on a separate plate. The tweet was deleted within eleven minutes. And now, our TV game show Bargain Hunt for Socks! To win a multipack of sensible socks from Primark, text 0800SOCK and answer: 'How many odd socks does the average British household have at any given time?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Nicolas Jackson leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Piero Hincapié lays it off first time to Lamine Yamal, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Lamine Yamal keeps it short to Jamie Gittens, no frills, just good football intelligence. Jamie Gittens takes on the defender in tight quarters and comes out on top. Pure talent. Jamie Gittens tries to dribble in too tight a space and gets the ball nicked off him.

What a SHAMBLES in the box after João Neves's corner! Bodies everywhere, somehow the defense holds! Piero Hincapié boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there. Sterile football, looks like a testimonial out there.

Piero Hincapié launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. Emergency clearance from Piero Hincapié, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe. Thierry Henry tries to get up for the duel but the attacker beats him to the header. The timing was off. Paolo Maldini sends a furious header but the ball sails over the bar. So close yet so far.

Unbelievable! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa score from nowhere. Their striker just smashed it in.

Karim Benzema bounces off Piero Hincapié, gets it back in stride, and it is done. The kind of combination that makes football beautiful. One laser pass from Karim Benzema and the entire defence is eliminated, Lamine Yamal is through on goal. The space is enormous. Lamine Yamal is given offside by the width of a bootlace, Alejandro Balde is shaking his head. Short distribution from Diogo Costa to Karim Benzema, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. Aerial duel won by Karim Benzema, he absolutely dominates in the air against the defender.

Alejandro Balde reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. Sideways ball from Alejandro Balde to Thierry Henry, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Thierry Henry looks for Nicolas Jackson with a ball in behind but it is massively overhit. The opposition keeper collects without moving. They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass.

Draw against Montevideo Garra-Charrúa. Thierry Henry kisses the club badge as he passes the home end — a gesture for the fans, regardless. Piero Hincapié does the same. The squad stays tight, the season rolls on. Nights like this, you close ranks. Janet from Wolverhampton says twenty-three odd socks at minimum and that's a conservative estimate. Primark multipack for Janet! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

2-2 (L)

GOAAAL! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío make it count! Sliced through us like a hot knife through butter.

Diogo Costa kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Lamine Yamal takes a knee behind him. Diogo Costa raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Wall combination between Alejandro Balde and Nicolas Jackson, fluid, rapid, and it creates an overload going forward. GOOOOL from Alejandro Balde! Massive right-footed strike, the ball almost rips the net off. GOOOOAL!

Alejandro Balde legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Nicolas Jackson tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Disaster! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

Quick one-two between Tino Livramento and João Neves, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Low cut-back from João Neves, Jamie Gittens arrives at pace and can hit it first time. Jamie Gittens winds up and FIIIIRES! Placed strike, the ball slides into the bottom corner, OPENING GOAAAAL!

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment Tino Livramento strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. Thierry Henry points at it, jaw on the floor. Diogo Costa shakes his head, not believing it.

Rainbow flick from Nicolas Jackson, he clips the ball over the defender with his heel. The crowd erupts. Lovely use of the ball by Nicolas Jackson, finding João Neves in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Shifting pass from João Neves to Lamine Yamal, the ball drifts into the free zone and Lamine Yamal is onto it in two strides.

Studious atmosphere in the dressing room. The coach has his tablet out, replaying clips: "Look, Alejandro Balde, there is acres of space on the overlap and you go back inside every time. Use the width." Alejandro Balde takes the note. The game is there for the taking if they can just find the key. Quite remarkable — João Neves got into a heated argument at a car boot sale over a secondhand George Foreman grill. Apparently he haggled for twenty minutes, paid three quid, and considers it the greatest negotiation of his career. The man is 22 years old. And now, our TV game show Taskmaster of the Obvious! To win a laminated bus timetable from 2019, text 4678 and answer: 'How early should you arrive at a bus stop to guarantee the bus has already left?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Piero Hincapié is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Tight-knit defense, compact shape, the opposition has to shoot from distance. They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. Powerful run from Jamie Gittens down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there. Jamie Gittens looks up and swings in a floated cross, Thierry Henry rises among the defenders. Cross from Thierry Henry far too long, the ball flies through the entire box without finding anyone.

Ball stolen and released forward, it's an absolute rocket of a counter. Overlap from Lamine Yamal on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed. Neat lay-off from Lamine Yamal for Paolo Maldini in the box, the ball is on a plate, clean as a whistle. Paolo Maldini unleashes an ABSOLUUUUTE CANNON! On target but the keeper gets a strong hand to it. Corner.

Line-breaking pass from Jamie Gittens! The ball slices through the centre-halves and Nicolas Jackson picks it up at full pace. Devastating. Nicolas Jackson thought he'd timed it perfectly, but the linesman disagrees. Offside on Paolo Maldini's pass. Diogo Costa goes long for Piero Hincapié, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Piero Hincapié sniffs out the danger and produces a wonderfully timed challenge. Not a hint of a foul.

The corner from João Neves is cut out at the near post by a defender, no danger. Monumental ball from Thierry Henry to Paolo Maldini, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Overlap from Paolo Maldini with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel. The dribble from Paolo Maldini fools nobody, the defender collects comfortably. Classy interception from Thierry Henry, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time.

Alejandro Balde sees the gap and puts the ball right through it. Nicolas Jackson is racing into the channel, the defence is watching the train leave the station. Nicolas Jackson is flagged and it's the tightest of calls, Alejandro Balde's pass was beautifully weighted too. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare. Alejandro Balde feeds Piero Hincapié in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling.

Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. Majestic individual run from João Neves, he cuts through the pitch like an arrow. João Neves shapes up and hits it, just wide but it grazed the bar. The technique was there, the finish just wasn't. Diogo Costa distributes by hand to Thierry Henry on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Thierry Henry wins the aerial battle against the attacker, he jumped earlier, higher, and stronger. Total domination.

Lamine Yamal pings a long diagonal to Piero Hincapié, completely shifts the point of attack. Magnificent shift from Piero Hincapié! Tino Livramento picks it up in space, no marker in sight, the pitch is his. Tino Livramento takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race. Cut-back from Tino Livramento, the ball zips across the box at ground level to Lamine Yamal.

Points shared. Karim Benzema sits on the grass for a full minute, staring up at the floodlights. Jamie Gittens crouches beside him: "Come on mate, let's get inside. Tuesday's another game." Long season. Draws happen. Nobody's thrilled, nobody's devastated. Leonard from Barnsley says fifteen minutes early guarantees the bus left fourteen minutes ago. Laminated timetable for Leonard! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

2-1 (W)

Absolutely immense from Tino Livramento! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back. Lightning counter, striker's away on his bike and the defence is chasing shadows. GOOOAL! Lamine Yamal onto the pass from Thierry Henry produces a lob for the AGES! The keeper is beaten through the air, the ball descends slowly and nestles in the net. BEAUTIFUL, GRAND, MAGNIFICENT!

Tino Livramento runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Karim Benzema gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

High recovery from Karim Benzema, he ran himself into the ground to go and win that ball. The defender never saw him coming. Possession flipped in a heartbeat, textbook transition football. GOOOOOAL! Thierry Henry turns into a FOX in the box! The ball was loose, he prods it in, simple as that!

Monster clearance from Diogo Costa, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Thierry Henry. Aerial duel lost by Thierry Henry, he was nudged in the back and could not get a proper jump in. Diogo Costa stretches horizontally and tips the shot away with an extended arm. Cat-like! Corner from João Neves, header from Thierry Henry at the penalty spot but it is off target. He should have scored.

Lamine Yamal pulls out a backheel nutmeg in open play, the ball goes through the defender's legs with the heel. WOOOW Lamine Yamal launches a missile! On target, the ball is fizzing but the keeper tips it around the post!

Oh the keeper comes out and misses Jamie Gittens's corner! Scramble on the line, a defender hacks it away! Almighty boot from Nicolas Jackson who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe. Frustration boiling over in the stands, going in circles for ten minutes. Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. The away end has gone ominously quiet, this side is on top now.

Diogo Costa is planning the celebration already. "If I score in the second half, I am doing the knee slide right in front of their lot," {he} tells Alejandro Balde, who replies: "Last time you tried that you pulled your hamstring." The dressing room erupts. The gaffer shakes his head. "Just score the goal, we will worry about the celebration later." Now this is properly British — João Neves once spent an entire bank holiday Monday sitting in a car park in the rain, eating a Cornish pasty and listening to TalkSport. When asked why, he simply said 'because it's a bank holiday.' The lad is 22 and gets it. And now, our TV game show Motorway Service Station Bingo! To win a Costa loyalty card with one stamp, text 4567 and answer: 'What is the minimum price of a sandwich at a motorway services?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Nicolas Jackson wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

Alejandro Balde launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out. Royal interception from Tino Livramento! He positions himself in the passing corridor and plucks the ball out of thin air. Massive clearance from Tino Livramento, just get the ball as far away as possible. The opposition defenders could grab a brew, nothing is happening.

Superb defensive work from Alejandro Balde there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal. Nicolas Jackson tries the curler... it bends beautifully but slides just past the post. AGONISING. The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. They're turning this into a siege, the keeper's going to be busy.

João Neves gives it to Karim Benzema who returns it first time, João Neves ghosts past his man like he does not exist. João Neves accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides. Foul by João Neves in the middle of the park, breaks up a promising move. João Neves combines with Jamie Gittens from the free kick, the little pass takes the wall out of the equation.

It's in! Rio Malandro FC take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

Diogo Costa and Paolo Maldini do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Diogo Costa arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

João Neves plants his studs on the attacker's ankle. That's as bad as it gets. Booking for João Neves. Went in high with the forearm, the opponent felt that. Free kick swung in by João Neves, the ball travels across the six-yard box and Karim Benzema is lurking. Aerial duel won by Karim Benzema in his own box. He took the lift to the top floor and cleaned up everything.

Diogo Costa rolls it short to João Neves into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. With one swing of the boot, João Neves finds Nicolas Jackson on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. Nicolas Jackson delivers a tidy ball to Thierry Henry, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work.

Full time, full joy! João Neves walks the entire touchline high-fiving every fan who leans over the barrier. Paolo Maldini carries a little kid onto the pitch for a photo — nobody's sure whose kid it is, but everyone's smiling. Rio Malandro FC are yesterday's news. Tony from Warwick says eight pounds fifty for a cheese sandwich the size of a postage stamp. Costa loyalty card for Tony! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

2-1 (W)

Surging run from Thierry Henry from the centre circle, he destroys everything in his path. What a spectacle. Thierry Henry storms into the box and the defender UNBALANCES him! The referee awards a penalty! The player gets up, the stadium is SILENT, everyone is holding their breath. Penalty from Thierry Henry! He fires it hard under the bar, the keeper was on the right line but it was TOO POWERFUL. GOAL!

Thierry Henry sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. Paolo Maldini snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. Diogo Costa waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

Tino Livramento with a trademark slide tackle, gets the ball and pops straight back up. The fans are on their feet! They're away in transition, pace to burn, it's like watching a freight train. Thierry Henry spots the keeper off his line and tries the LOB! It clears him! GOAL! The ball sails over the keeper by an inch and drops just behind him. The AUDACITY of that finish, that is OUTRAGEOUS!

Solidarity move: Tino Livramento grabs Lamine Yamal who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Lamine Yamal a standing ovation right through to the restart.

One touch football: Alejandro Balde to Tino Livramento, faster than the opposition can think. The opponent is bundled over by Tino Livramento. Not much in it, but the whistle goes. Booking for Tino Livramento, the niggling fouls have caught up with him at last. Free kick from Tino Livramento... into the wall. The wall didn't flinch. Massive clearance from Paolo Maldini in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished.

Ferocious press from Lamine Yamal! He sticks to the carrier, hounds him, and ends up winning the ball. The dirty work that makes great players. Lamine Yamal plays it into the channel for Tino Livramento, the defensive line is split clean in two. That is pure filth. Tino Livramento aims for Lamine Yamal but the ball is deflected off an opponent's foot. Pass cut out. What positioning from Tino Livramento! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts. Tino Livramento boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go.

Paolo Maldini with a last-gasp tackle that saves the day! Gets everything on the ball and nothing on the man. Heroic stuff. Brilliant switch of play from Paolo Maldini! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Lamine Yamal. Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed.

Pie and Bovril vibes in the dressing room. The gaffer has drawn one arrow on the whiteboard and written underneath it: "Same again." Jamie Gittens is leaning back with {his} feet up, 175 cm of pure relaxation. Tino Livramento is refuelling on jelly babies. Life is good when the scoreboard is in your favour. A wonderful anecdote — Paolo Maldini once got lost in an IKEA for two and a half hours. Had to be rescued by staff near the bedroom section. He was 58 at the time and insists the store moved the exits. Classic British Saturday gone wrong. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 1999 and answer this question: 'How long is a piece of string if the string is lying?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. João Neves leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Oh dear oh dear! Istanbul Cehennem FK score and the dugout is fuming. Rightly so.

Lamine Yamal unleashes a raking ball out to Karim Benzema, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Karim Benzema weights his pass into the space for Lamine Yamal who collects at full pace without breaking stride. Perfection. Jamie Gittens launches a long ball for Lamine Yamal, but he's well offside. Defence did well. Diogo Costa plays out from the back with Paolo Maldini, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. Burst of speed from Paolo Maldini, he devours the left flank in a matter of seconds. Impressive.

The block is set up beautifully, compact, disciplined, nothing getting through. Diogo Costa closes the angle with his legs and the strike rebounds off him! The keeper is A WALL! Diogo Costa opts for the short option to Alejandro Balde, keeping possession, building play, no panic.

Free kick from Lamine Yamal delivered with pace, Alejandro Balde finds himself in space at the far post. The cross from Alejandro Balde is blocked by a defender in the box. The defence holds firm.

Lamine Yamal slips Thierry Henry in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Flash wall from Piero Hincapié for Thierry Henry who had started the run before even passing the ball. Insane anticipation. The defence holds its line and Thierry Henry is caught offside from Lamine Yamal's ball over the top. Diogo Costa boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Nicolas Jackson! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Nicolas Jackson slides into the passing lane and nicks the ball. The opposition does not know what just happened.

Diogo Costa plays it along the ground to Jamie Gittens, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. Switch from Jamie Gittens! The ball arcs over the midfield and Lamine Yamal collects it on the other side. Stretching the play. Lamine Yamal releases Piero Hincapié with a ball into space on the left. The defence is sliding across but they are too late. Piero Hincapié gets to the byline and cuts it back low, Jamie Gittens just needs to sidefoot it home. Jamie Gittens with an absolutely perfect sliding tackle, takes the ball right off the attacker's toes. Nothing given, play on!

What a result against Istanbul Cehennem FK! Diogo Costa walks over to the travelling support, puts his hand on his heart, and bows. Karim Benzema follows and throws his boots into the crowd. Some lad in row G is going home with a size 9 souvenir. Scenes. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Pauline Drizzle-Hatch, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How long is a piece of string if the string is lying?'. The answer was of course it claims to be six feet but it's really only four, the dishonest thread. Pauline wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-0 (W)

They've broken at pace and the back line is nowhere to be seen. Telepathic pass from Lamine Yamal to João Neves, like they rehearsed it at breakfast. The ball fizzes in behind the defence. João Neves lobs the keeper and it is GOAL! The audacity to attempt that finish at THIS moment of the match is what makes GREAT players. Perfect lob, perfect trajectory, PERFECT goal!

Long kick from Diogo Costa, Piero Hincapié positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Piero Hincapié explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening. Chipped cross from Piero Hincapié over the defence, Alejandro Balde is underneath it. That is a killer ball.

The intensity has gone up several notches, this is magnificent. Aggressive high press, the opposition keeper is already sweating. Oh what a challenge! Paolo Maldini goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. Enormous clearance from Paolo Maldini inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it.

Lamine Yamal plays the free kick quickly to Piero Hincapié, they catch the defence napping. OHHH Piero Hincapié strikes and it goes just wide! The post was trembling! Sterile stuff this, pass after pass going nowhere fast. Nicolas Jackson tries his luck and puts it on the third tier. The crowd give him an ironic round of applause.

Team goes on the counter but the final pass is too short, all wasted. João Neves picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train. Lobbed cross from João Neves, it sails over the entire back four and Alejandro Balde is there behind. Brilliant. Lovely high take from Diogo Costa! He owns his box, the attacker had no time to even jump. Diogo Costa sends an absolute rocket towards Paolo Maldini, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch.

The coach gathers the lads round: "Listen, we are in a great position. But this lot do not lie down, so keep your heads screwed on." Karim Benzema claps once, loud, and shouts "Come on then!" like {he} is leading the charge at Agincourt. The energy is electric. These lads are well up for the second half. A scouting report from Lamine Yamal's youth days says — and I quote — 'technically raw, but can eat a full Sunday roast in under eight minutes.' That kind of efficiency translates to the pitch. He's now 19 and hasn't slowed down at the dinner table. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Bedtime! To win a Premier Inn king-size pillow, text 3345 and answer: 'What time does a British person start complaining about the weather each morning?' They are back. Thierry Henry salutes the travelling fans with a raised fist before taking {his} spot. The faithful respond in kind. Second half. Bring it on.

Nicolas Jackson overlaps on the wing with frightening ease, the defender is made to look silly. Looping cross from Nicolas Jackson, it sails over the centre-halves and drops towards Lamine Yamal. Danger. Cross from Lamine Yamal intercepted by the centre-half, the defence is alert. Panicked clearance from Lamine Yamal, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done.

Free kick from João Neves, lovely delivery and Nicolas Jackson rises above the defence. Nicolas Jackson goes up to the heavens and comes back down with the ball. Aerial duel won, total domination, the opposition can pack their bags. Good ball from Nicolas Jackson to Lamine Yamal, playing it quick between the lines. Lamine Yamal wins the ball back high up the pitch after an outrageous press. The defender crumbled under the pressure.

Piero Hincapié goes crossfield to Karim Benzema, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Cross from Karim Benzema off the left, the ball travels across the entire six-yard box and finds Thierry Henry at the far side. Diogo Costa repels the attempt with a reflex save! Clinical, clean, absolutely enormous. Nicolas Jackson heads the corner from João Neves at the back post, it goes wide. Close but not close enough.

The referee POINTS to the penalty spot! Alejandro Balde has been clipped at the feet inside the box. No argument, it is a penalty! The stadium is holding its collective BREATH! OVER THE BAR! Alejandro Balde sends the penalty into the stands! Absolute disaster!

Diogo Costa lumps it long towards Nicolas Jackson, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. Magnificent tackle from Nicolas Jackson! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Nicolas Jackson feeds Lamine Yamal in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. WHAT A SHAME for Lamine Yamal! Thunderous strike that flashes just past the upright.

Massive win over Milano Piano-Piano! Jamie Gittens is the last man off the pitch, soaking in every last decibel. The ground's half-empty but the noise is still deafening. Tino Livramento pops his head out of the tunnel: "Oi, the pizza's getting cold!" Priorities. Graham from Harrogate says half six and honestly we all agree. He's off to Premier Inn with his brand new pillow. And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

2-1 (W)

Tino Livramento goes to ground and absolutely nails the tackle. Ball won, danger cleared, crowd on their feet. Broken at speed, the lads have bombed forward like their lives depend on it. Oh the TOUCH from Nicolas Jackson! SUBLIME lob! The keeper is ten yards off his line, Nicolas Jackson spots it, chips the ball and it drops right into the goal. MASTERPIECE!

Tino Livramento kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Nicolas Jackson takes a knee behind him. Diogo Costa raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Strikers making run after run, long balls flying in every time. Jamie Gittens rises on the delivery from Thierry Henry and powers a furious header into the net!

Paolo Maldini rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Tino Livramento. The far side is completely deserted. Brilliant opening from Tino Livramento for João Neves, frees up the entire left flank. Driven cross from João Neves into the box, Tino Livramento arrives at full pace at the near post. This smells like a goal.

It's hit the back of the net! Sevilla Olé-Olé lead and we look completely lost.

Solid as a rock, the block holds under pressure. What a rush out from Diogo Costa! He narrows the angle and smothers the shot at the feet. Diogo Costa smashes a volley towards Nicolas Jackson, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Massive diagonal from Nicolas Jackson! Alejandro Balde receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards.

The gaffer sits down, crosses his arms, and just watches the lads for a moment. João Neves is chatting with Diogo Costa about holiday plans. Someone is throwing grapes into someone else's mouth. The staff are relaxed, the players are relaxed. "Right, let us not get complacent," the boss finally says. "But well played. Seriously." Now Paolo Maldini — and this is absolutely true — once entered a Wetherspoons curry club night and ate three lamb bhuna in a single sitting. At 186, the man is essentially a furnace. The manager gave him a round of applause and a free pint. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 8899 and answer this question: 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?' Back on the pitch and Diogo Costa is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

Video review underway, players catching their breath, supporters on the edge of their seats. Incredible tension. VAR shows just how bad the challenge was, Alejandro Balde is sent to the dressing room! Unbelievable scenes! Alejandro Balde has kicked out at the opponent off the ball. He's been sent off. Alejandro Balde plays the free kick back to Piero Hincapié, they are looking for the shooting angle.

Sharp turn from Jamie Gittens, the defender is sat down. Someone call an ambulance. The attacker tries to sprint past but Jamie Gittens grabs the waistband, foul! Yellow shown to Jamie Gittens, he brought down the man rather than let him play the through ball. Jamie Gittens shapes to shoot but plays it short to Nicolas Jackson, the defence is caught flat-footed.

Quick one-two between Nicolas Jackson and Tino Livramento, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Careless distribution from Tino Livramento, the ball lands straight at an opponent's feet. The kind of pass that costs you. Huge interception from Piero Hincapié! He cuts out the pass and drives forward. The kind of action that never shows up in the stats but changes the whole match. Piero Hincapié feeds Tino Livramento in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Lay-off from Tino Livramento to João Neves, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan.

Thierry Henry gives it to Jamie Gittens into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Jamie Gittens has a go but the shot is deflected! The defender took the ball full in the chest. Corner from Piero Hincapié, the ball travels across the box but a defender clears at the far post. Lifesaving clearance from Jamie Gittens! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters.

The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. João Neves pings a ridiculous diagonal to Karim Benzema. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Karim Benzema is beaten in the air, the opponent rises above him with authority. That is tough to take. Paolo Maldini lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war. Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper.

It's over and we've won it! Diogo Costa grabs the corner flag and plants it at the centre spot like he's claiming new territory. Alejandro Balde pretends to salute. The fans are in absolute stitches. The manager pretends to be annoyed but you can see him smirking. Top, top scenes. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Keith Drizzleton, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?'. The answer was of course 4.7 kilonewtons, enough to demolish a conversation but not enough to get served at the bar. Keith wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

2-2 (L)

And it's a goal! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein punish us for that sloppy defending. Heads will roll.

João Neves feeds Thierry Henry in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. GOOOOAL from Thierry Henry! MASTERFUL long-range strike, the ball traces a perfect line and ends in the net!

Piero Hincapié anticipates the pass and intercepts cleanly. The opposition midfielder thought he had found the gap, but it was a trap. Piero Hincapié beats man after man and drives forward on his own, opponents are scattered like skittles. Piero Hincapié takes his time to aim, looks at the keeper, and SHOOTS! On target, in the net, GOOOOAL!

Ruthless press, the opposition can't hold the ball for two seconds. High recovery from Nicolas Jackson, he forced the error by hounding the carrier relentlessly. The kind of effort that the stats do not show but that wins football matches. Nicolas Jackson sets it for Thierry Henry, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating.

Diogo Costa plays it short to Jamie Gittens, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Jamie Gittens plays the simple ball to João Neves, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll.

The gaffer pulls up München Ordnung-Muss-Sein's shape on the screen: "See how high their line is? One ball over the top and we are in. Diogo Costa, you have the pace. Alejandro Balde, you have the vision. Put it together and we are laughing." It sounds simple. Football always sounds simple at halftime. Doing it is the hard part. A little fun fact for you — Diogo Costa, all 192 of him, once entered a village conker championship in Lower Piddle and made it to the semi-finals. He was disqualified for soaking his conker in vinegar, which frankly shows the sort of competitive edge you want in a footballer. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 6677 and answer this question: 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?' Paolo Maldini leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

Driven kick from Diogo Costa to Nicolas Jackson, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Nicolas Jackson powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go. Nicolas Jackson tries the cross but it is completely off target, ends up going out for a throw. What composure from Diogo Costa! He climbs, gathers the cross and restarts play. The danger has passed. Massive punt from Diogo Costa, sends the ball sixty yards, Jamie Gittens is scrapping for it up top.

The free kick from Jamie Gittens clears the defence and finds Thierry Henry in the danger area. Thierry Henry beats the attacker with a commanding header, he went up like a lift and came back down with the ball. The boss. Thierry Henry winds up and FIIIIRES! On target! But the keeper pushes it away for a corner.

Jamie Gittens gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side. Absolutely disgraceful from Jamie Gittens. Not a shred of contact and he's writhing on the floor. Jamie Gittens earns a yellow card for diving, you reap what you sow on the pitch. The free kick from Jamie Gittens is floated in, Thierry Henry makes his run to the back post.

They've scored! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein break the deadlock and the momentum has completely shifted.

Diogo Costa spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. João Neves gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Paolo Maldini swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Nicolas Jackson, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Nicolas Jackson wins the header and flicks it on for João Neves. He took the elevator while the rest were queuing for the stairs. Big clearance from Nicolas Jackson under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line. Paolo Maldini dominates his marker in the air, powerful header to clear the danger. He is the king of the aerial game. Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly.

Karim Benzema sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Nicolas Jackson. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere. Jamie Gittens drops a lollipop in behind the defence, Lamine Yamal read the play perfectly and finds himself one on one. Devastating burst of pace from Lamine Yamal, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank.

Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. Nicolas Jackson leans into the opponent and sends him off balance. Free kick. Yellow card. Nicolas Jackson racked up too many fouls, the ref couldn't let it slide anymore. Nicolas Jackson's free kick crashes into the wall. They jumped at the right moment. Long ball from Diogo Costa for João Neves who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy.

Points shared with München Ordnung-Muss-Sein. Diogo Costa slumps against the corner flag for a few seconds before pulling himself up. João Neves has a chinwag with their number 10 — old pals from the academy days. Football brings people together, even when nobody's really won. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Brenda Sogbottom, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?'. The answer was of course three consecutive drizzles, as defined by the Met Office Dampness Protocol of 1991. Brenda wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

2-1 (W)

They're going for broke, nothing can stop them now. Mad scenes, Diogo Costa sprinting to the halfway line to get back up in time. GOOOOL from Karim Benzema! MAJESTIC angled header on the cross from Nicolas Jackson, the ball brushes the post and is in!

Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. Thierry Henry catches everyone off guard with a solo burst, he is unstoppable. GOOOOOOL from Thierry Henry! On the pass from João Neves, he curls it with the right foot and beats the keeper at the far post!

Thierry Henry does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Diogo Costa launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Diogo Costa arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. João Neves finds Karim Benzema between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Brilliant cut-back from Karim Benzema along the grass for João Neves. That is an absolute peach of a ball. João Neves trips over his own feet in front of the empty net! Karim Benzema had done it all, what an absolute waste. The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it.

Lamine Yamal lays it off first time to Paolo Maldini, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Paolo Maldini squares it back for Piero Hincapié, low and hard across the six-yard box, just needs a tap in.

Diogo Costa catapults the ball towards Piero Hincapié from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. Interception from Piero Hincapié who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of Piero Hincapié. One touch football: Piero Hincapié to Karim Benzema, faster than the opposition can think.

Karim Benzema starts a chant and within seconds the whole dressing room joins in. Boots stamping, hands clapping, proper old-school dressing room stuff. Paolo Maldini conducts like it is the Last Night of the Proms. The gaffer lets it go for thirty seconds then kills it: "Save the singing for the pub tonight. We have still got a job to do." Now here's a proper one — Nicolas Jackson was caught by paparazzi doing a big shop in Aldi at half ten at night. Trolley full of knock-off biscuits and frozen pizzas. At 187, the man clearly needs his fuel, and he's not paying Waitrose prices for it. And now, our TV game show Pointless Gestures! To win a royal family commemorative tea towel set, text 0800CROWN and answer: 'How many corgis can fit in a single Buckingham Palace corridor?' And we are back underway! Paolo Maldini jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. Pass into no-man's land from Nicolas Jackson, nobody on the end of it, the ball rolls straight to the opposition. Gift. Alejandro Balde sprints at the defender and pinches the ball right off his toes. Aggressive pressing, decisive recovery.

What a disaster! London Three-Pints score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Diogo Costa is at the centre, lifted up by Karim Benzema and Diogo Costa, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. London Three-Pints's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

Roulette from Karim Benzema on his marker, the skill is magnificent, the crowd goes wild! Failed dribble from Karim Benzema, he tried to do too much and the defender capitalises. Piero Hincapié mistimes the tackle and catches the opponent's shin. Free kick. Piero Hincapié sends an inswinging free kick in, Jamie Gittens rises for the header at the far post.

Alejandro Balde cleans up with a magnificent sliding tackle, wins possession, and plays it forward. That's the complete defensive action. Alejandro Balde slides it to Paolo Maldini, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Long ball from Paolo Maldini to Lamine Yamal, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing.

Change of flanks from Alejandro Balde, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Tino Livramento. Tino Livramento tries to find Alejandro Balde but it is nowhere near him. Sloppy stuff. Alejandro Balde goes to war in the opposition half and comes back with the ball. Pressing is a battle, and Alejandro Balde just won it. Counter-attack fires off the blocks, blistering pace from the front three. Karim Benzema has a go but it drifts to the right of goal. Not far away though.

Jamie Gittens presses high and picks off the sloppy pass from the defender. When you bring that intensity, the opposition errors come thick and fast. Jamie Gittens unleashes a fierce drive, it's GOIIIIING... wide. Clips the post on the way out though. A thousand passes ending with a backpass to the keeper, utterly frustrating. Piero Hincapié frees up the entire channel for Thierry Henry with a ball into space. The defence is caught on the wrong foot. Low cut-back from Thierry Henry, the ball threads between the defender's legs and reaches Alejandro Balde.

Brilliant! Piero Hincapié goes straight to the family section, finds his people in the crowd, and blows kisses with both hands. Diogo Costa photobombs from behind with the daftest grin you've ever seen. The post-match interview can wait — this is what football's about. Philippa from Henley-on-Thames says at least fourteen corgis comfortably and twenty at a push. The tea towel set is hers! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'