My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇦🇺

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

80-119 (L)

Set called, FaZe Rug waved out to the corner, and Stephen Curry watches the spacing open up like a front door. Screen, roll, DELIVERY from FaZe Rug! Nothing but runway to the rim! It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on Stephen Curry. Cruel.

Detroit Engine-Roar again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Working him at the top of the key, low dribble, low dribble, then FaZe Rug rips it across and his man lunges at a ghost. Getting to his spot and elevating, FaZe Rug puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Stephen Curry already has the defense a full step behind. This is the counter: Justin Bieber punished a defense that kept going under, and now they have to rip up the game plan. OFF THE IRON and halfway to the bench! FaZe Rug missed that one with real conviction.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Detroit Engine-Roar with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Break! Stephen Curry heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Fun fact: Stephen Curry tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. And now, our halftime TV game show Spin the Wheel Slowly! To win a coffee table book about drainage ditches of the Midwest, text HOOPS to 555-1159 and answer this question: 'How many seconds does it take to lose a lead of thirty points?' The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.

Two guys on the exact same page, Stephen Curry and Shaquille O'Neal, and the defense is left holding a bag of nothing. Drop step, jump hook, bucket! Stephen Curry is doing it the old way.

Dagger from Detroit Engine-Roar. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Stephen Curry walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. Filthy. Absolutely filthy from Shaquille O'Neal, and the defender knows exactly what just happened to him. Perfect drop-off from Stephen Curry, and Shaquille O'Neal answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

FaZe Rug rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. The youtuber had two points in the bank and the iron took them right back out. You do not get heartbreak like that in the day job.

OHHHH the hesi! FaZe Rug froze him solid and he is already gone! Three shots for FaZe Rug. Worst foul in the sport.

A timeout is coming, it has to be, but Stephen Curry has already turned this into a personal shooting drill with an audience. Onions! Stephen Curry did that with a hand in his face.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Detroit Engine-Roar in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Ball moves. Kobe Bryant to Justin Bieber, on time and on target. Ice in his veins for a guy who answers to executive producer the rest of the week. Professional shot, amateur resume. Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, Shaquille O'Neal fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

Turnover, layup, Detroit Engine-Roar straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Full stop, full sprint, and the youtuber is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. That is the shot FaZe Rug wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

Stephen Curry refuses the coach's embrace. FaZe Rug accepts it but his body is stiff. And here is the answer to our game show Spin the Wheel Slowly! Elouise Tackett of Chigger Bottom, Massachusetts, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many seconds does it take to lose a lead of thirty points?' The answer was of course four hundred and ten seconds, provided everybody cooperates. Elouise therefore wins a coffee table book about drainage ditches of the Midwest! I learned that Stephen Curry's father was a youtuber. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

106-91 (W)

Clean feed from Stephen Curry, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Nobody is getting a hand near that. Justin Bieber has all the room in the world. Not close, not warm, not anywhere for Justin Bieber, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet.

Total control. Stephen Curry has this thing on a string. A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Justin Bieber pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. The bench has cleared, the crowd is screaming, and somewhere a photographer just got the shot of the season thanks to Justin Bieber.

Blowing smoke off two fingers like a gunslinger, Justin Bieber holsters them in his waistband. Kobe Bryant plays dead on the baseline. The mascot joins the bit uninvited. A referee has to physically separate a celebration from an inbound play.

FaZe Rug feels the contact, spins off that shoulder, and the defender is left hugging a whole lot of nothing. AROUND the cylinder and OUT! FaZe Rug cannot believe it, and neither can this building.

Swing, swing, and Kobe Bryant finds Shaquille O'Neal on the wing before the help can even turn its head. Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Shaquille O'Neal makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. FaZe Rug rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

FaZe Rug kicks it over to Shaquille O'Neal, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Justin Bieber sets the pick and DIVES to the cup. Shaquille O'Neal lays it right on his hands in traffic! A cruel spin-out for the executive producer, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

Halftime! FaZe Rug has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Intel: FaZe Rug asked Miami Heart-Attack for their energy drink recipe. They refused. And now, our halftime TV game show The Chase But Everyone Is Walking! To win a milk crate full of cassette tapes with no labels, text HOOPS to 555-0853 and answer this question: 'What is the record for most consecutive high fives that missed?' The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Miami Heart-Attack with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at FaZe Rug the moment he crosses half court. Contested, off balance, fading away from the wrong shoulder, that is a shot FaZe Rug should never take with three teammates standing wide open.

The youtuber is full-court pressing grown professionals and they look genuinely worried. Absolute chaos. Snatched! Kobe Bryant came out of NOWHERE for that one. OHHHH the speed of Kobe Bryant! Nobody in this building was catching him.

Kobe Bryant throws both arms up and holds them there, letting the arena pull the sound out of him. Twenty thousand people on their feet at once. Shaquille O'Neal grabs his shoulders from behind and shakes him like a snow globe. The floor is genuinely vibrating.

Off the pin-down comes the youtuber with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. Watch the feet on FaZe Rug there, still drifting sideways at the release, and that is exactly why the floater sails wide left of everything.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Miami Heart-Attack, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Watch the sell from Stephen Curry here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. Three-point play the old-fashioned way, and Stephen Curry buries the freebie without blinking.

The assistant points at the far corner, the head coach points at Kobe Bryant, and the other three get told exactly where to stand. BANG! Exactly the play on the clipboard: Kobe Bryant to Stephen Curry, catch and rise.

Stephen Curry hangs on the rim one extra beat, letting the whole arena wait on him, then drops down into a dead-eyed mean mug. Justin Bieber shoves him in the chest just to get a reaction. Nothing. Stone face on a man who just changed the game.

Shaquille O'Neal rips the net off the rim. Kobe Bryant wraps it around his neck like a scarf. And here is the answer to our game show The Chase But Everyone Is Walking! Otis Wagstaff of Empty Barrel, Nevada, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the record for most consecutive high fives that missed?' The answer was of course forty one, set at a rec league in 1998 and never approached since. Otis therefore wins a milk crate full of cassette tapes with no labels! Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

116-101 (W)

Push the pace! Stephen Curry grabs it and hits FaZe Rug in stride before the defense can even match up. OHHHHH HE SNATCHED HIS ANKLES! FaZe Rug left him on the hardwood and this building is SHAKING! FaZe Rug loses his angle on the baseline and still finds a way to flip it home with the off hand. Bucket!

More second chance points for Orlando Magic-Beans, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Stephen Curry whips that pass one-handed on the move and the roll man gathers it through contact. Filthy. In, around, and gone. The iron gives FaZe Rug nothing.

The youtuber had that thing halfway down and the rim spat it back out. Nobody ever warns you that the iron has a personality. Another extra possession courtesy of the executive producer, a man who evidently boxes out at work too. Some habits do not clock out. Second chance points for Justin Bieber, tipping his own miss straight back in before his feet ever touched the floor.

Bucket for Orlando Magic-Beans. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Halftime. FaZe Rug is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. They say FaZe Rug has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. And now, our halftime TV game show The Newlywed Regret Game! To win a genuine imitation leather fanny pack, text HOOPS to 555-0155 and answer this question: 'How many potato chips are in a family size bag before the air gets involved?' Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and FaZe Rug makes it every single trip down the floor. Stephen Curry drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. So close. Shaquille O'Neal can only stare at the iron.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Stephen Curry drops it off to Shaquille O'Neal on time and on target. OHHHH the separation! Shaquille O'Neal just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Shaquille O'Neal!

OHHHH the bench is GONE! Towels over heads, bodies off the chairs, all because of FaZe Rug! REJECTED! Justin Bieber gets ALL of that jumper and the building erupts!

This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, Stephen Curry gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. Stephen Curry gets to his spot in the lane, lifts the runner over the big man, and leaves it a foot short. No dice.

Here comes Shaquille O'Neal sprinting off the elbow. Stephen Curry slides it into his pocket and that chase defender is buried. Shaquille O'Neal blows the wide open layup!

Kobe Bryant gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Stephen Curry saw it a beat early. That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Kobe Bryant does. Nasty finish. Kobe Bryant hangs, adjusts in midair, and drops it through.

Flexing under the basket, mouth wide open, Kobe Bryant roars at nobody in particular. The sound carries over the crowd noise, which should be physically impossible. The referee waits with folded arms, like a substitute teacher who has seen considerably worse.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Stephen Curry has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Kobe Bryant precisely where the play wanted it. Hard drive, hard stop, and Kobe Bryant retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. You can hear this arena react a half second before the ball even goes through, and that tells you everything about Kobe Bryant.

Kobe Bryant pulls the jersey away from his chest and points at the crest, twice, hard, then taps his heart. No smile, no theater. The arena horn keeps going long after it should stop. Somebody up in the rafters is holding a sign about this exact city.

Kobe Bryant throws chalk powder like LeBron. FaZe Rug coughs for two minutes straight. And here is the answer to our game The Newlywed Regret Game! Loretta Bagwell of Turkey Foot, Georgia, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many potato chips are in a family size bag before the air gets involved?' The answer was of course eleven, and the remainder is atmosphere. Loretta takes home a genuine imitation leather fanny pack! My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

98-103 (L)

Cold blooded from Philadelphia Injury-Report, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Stephen Curry breaks a shell down. OHHHH, what a read by Shaquille O'Neal! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. Pull-up from the elbow by Kobe Bryant, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

No hero ball here: Stephen Curry takes what the defense gives and moves it along. That crossover was not about getting a shot up. Kobe Bryant pulled it out to tell everybody in the gym whose possession this is. The defender fronted him, so Kobe Bryant sealed, waited for the entry and went to work. Patient, mean, effective.

Golf swing follow-through, perfect form, Kobe Bryant tracks the imaginary ball into the upper deck with a hand shading his eyes. Somebody in the front row yells about a hole in one. The referee has now warned this team twice and been ignored twice.

Ball squirts loose off the knee of the youtuber. Back to the day job, my friend. Back to the day job.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and FaZe Rug has known that all night long. Two defenders collide on the handoff and Stephen Curry is gone, so Justin Bieber earned that one even if the box score disagrees. There is no finesse in that, and there does not need to be. Stephen Curry simply decided the paint belonged to him.

Halftime whistle. Kobe Bryant flops into the first available chair. Fun fact: Kobe Bryant got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. And now, our halftime TV game show Second Chance Second Half! To win a hand painted mailbox shaped like a catfish, text HOOPS to 555-1006 and answer this question: 'What is the population of a town on the night of a rivalry game?' Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.

Offensive foul on Kobe Bryant. No bucket, no free throws, just a turnover.

From WAY downtown off the pop! Stephen Curry with the extra pass and CASH. Jab, jab, STEPBACK. Kobe Bryant snatched his ankles and let it go clean.

Kobe Bryant pretends to check a watch that is not on his wrist, taps it, then shows it to the arena. Time is up. FaZe Rug mimes an enormous yawn. The visiting coach is shouting at officials who have no jurisdiction over sarcasm.

FaZe Rug stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. Nobody touched him, nobody trapped him, and FaZe Rug still coughed it up. Easiest whistle these officials will blow all night.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Philadelphia Injury-Report with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Stephen Curry, and not one single soul could do anything about it. Textbook footwork, textbook release from Stephen Curry, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

Bucket for Philadelphia Injury-Report. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Watch the spacing there, Stephen Curry hits Shaquille O'Neal right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. Kobe Bryant just took a shoulder to the chest to buy Shaquille O'Neal half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. The crowd has found its chant, and Shaquille O'Neal is going to be hearing it all night.

The youtuber is holding the final possession of a professional basketball game, and this morning he was clocking in like it was any other Tuesday. The horn goes off while the ball is still spinning on the iron, and FaZe Rug watches it drop away. Brutal, absolutely brutal.

Justin Bieber taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. Kobe Bryant walks through the door without pushing it. And here is the answer to our game show Second Chance Second Half! Hoyt Pennington of Dishrag Springs, Oregon, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the population of a town on the night of a rivalry game?' The answer was of course the whole town plus forty people who moved away in 1987. Hoyt therefore wins a hand painted mailbox shaped like a catfish! Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

112-93 (W)

Small thing, a jump ball, but Justin Bieber winning that tip means we set the tone. Coaches script that first play for a reason.

Cross court, on a rope, from the youtuber. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Dribble alive, patient, patient, and then Kobe Bryant slips it to Justin Bieber right in the pocket. Surgical. Nobody expects touch like that from the executive producer, but that floater had more feel than half the starting guards in the league.

Flexing under the basket, mouth wide open, Justin Bieber roars at nobody in particular. The sound carries over the crowd noise, which should be physically impossible. The referee waits with folded arms, like a substitute teacher who has seen considerably worse.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! FaZe Rug put that man in a blender and the third row felt it! Somewhere there is a coaching video being edited right now, and the youtuber is the star of it. Three steps and a prayer.

Filthy work on the glass by Shaquille O'Neal, and he lands with the elbows out daring somebody to reach in. Off the glass and out of the gym, Shaquille O'Neal launches it and the break is ON! Steal, sprint, slam. FaZe Rug takes the Kobe Bryant feed and puts it down before anyone gets back.

FaZe Rug deadpans directly into the broadcast camera: nod, wink, gone. Total elapsed time, one and a half seconds. The commentators lose it completely. Justin Bieber arrives too late and mugs at an empty lens for nobody at all.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Phoenix No-Defense in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Break! FaZe Rug takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Did you know FaZe Rug once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. And now, our halftime TV game show Supermarket Sweep the Leg! To win a fifty-five gallon drum of ranch dressing, text HOOPS to 555-0088 and answer this question: 'How many stripes are on a basketball if you also count the ones inside?' The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?

The youtuber loses the ball to the floor with nobody guarding him. We have all had that kind of day at work.

Watch the arms on Justin Bieber, straight up, no arm bar, nothing for the officials to blow. That is coaching and discipline. OUTLET! Kobe Bryant rips the board and fires it ahead to Justin Bieber before anybody gets back! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Justin Bieber scooped that in from underneath the rim!

Bow to the crowd, a full waist bend with one arm across the stomach, the whole theatrical thing. Justin Bieber holds it three seconds. Stephen Curry applauds behind him like a valet. Somebody in row two throws a bouquet of obviously fake roses onto the floor, and Justin Bieber collects every last one.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Stephen Curry controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. The youtuber turns clean out of two bodies in the paint. That is nowhere in the job description and yet here we are. Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, FaZe Rug goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard.

Watch the change of pace from Stephen Curry, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. OHHHH, Stephen Curry from WAY downtown off the catch! The defense rotated a half second late and paid full price.

Turnover, layup, Phoenix No-Defense straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The zone is set with FaZe Rug anchoring the middle of it and there is NOWHERE to go! Fingertips! Shaquille O'Neal gets just enough on it and the ball squirts loose.

Hand check on Kobe Bryant. That is a foul in this league every single time. Third whistle on Kobe Bryant. He could argue the first two. This one he cannot.

Kobe Bryant improvises an Oscar acceptance speech. FaZe Rug plays the imaginary violin. And here is the answer to our game Supermarket Sweep the Leg! Junior Pennywhistle of Slab Town, Kentucky, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many stripes are on a basketball if you also count the ones inside?' The answer was of course eight, and the ninth is a private matter. Junior takes home a fifty-five gallon drum of ranch dressing! Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

95-102 (L)

The executive producer just rotated over and shut the paint down like a shift change. Where does THAT defensive IQ come from?

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Kobe Bryant breaks a shell down. Second pass beats the rotation, Stephen Curry to FaZe Rug, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. That is what heavy minutes do, FaZe Rug has run all night and the legs have nothing left to give the jumper.

Shaquille O'Neal did that, and now the loudest twelve people in this arena are all wearing the same uniform he is. NOT A CHANCE! Justin Bieber came flying at that pull-up and DELETED it!

Ball moves. Kobe Bryant to Shaquille O'Neal, on time and on target. Screened, toasted, done. Shaquille O'Neal is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. The whistle blows, the crowd erupts, and Shaquille O'Neal hangs on the iron just long enough to make his point.

Turnover, layup, Los Angeles Nursing-Home straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

End of the second quarter. Stephen Curry is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Did you know Stephen Curry started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. And now, our halftime TV game show Big Brother-in-Law! To win a novelty license plate that spells HOTDOG incorrectly, text HOOPS to 555-0296 and answer this question: 'How many pockets can cargo shorts have before they legally become furniture?' We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.

Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from Kobe Bryant. Twenty-four seconds of standing around, and Kobe Bryant has to eat the last two of them. Possession wasted long before the shot went up.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and FaZe Rug just did it by hitting Kobe Bryant on the back side with acres of room. Kobe Bryant crosses, crosses back, the defender slides half a step the wrong way and the whole arena lets out the same OHHHH. A timeout is coming, because no defense recovers from watching Kobe Bryant do that to one of their own.

Stone silence for one second, then Kobe Bryant lets out something that is not really a word, more a sound from the basement of a human being. Stephen Curry answers with the same noise. The arena joins in. There is no language left in this building.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Los Angeles Nursing-Home with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Not an inch to spare on the endline, but FaZe Rug keeps both feet in bounds and the help gets there a beat too late. That is a dime from Kobe Bryant that deserved so much better, and FaZe Rug knows it, head down, jogging back before the ball even lands.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Los Angeles Nursing-Home, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Give the man credit for the effort, because Kobe Bryant contested that from three feet behind, which is technically a contest. Whistle! Shaquille O'Neal gets him on the arm. Personal foul, nothing clever about it.

Dagger from Los Angeles Nursing-Home. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Over the top of everybody. Kobe Bryant to Shaquille O'Neal in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Look how low Shaquille O'Neal keeps that shoulder on the drive, that is how you turn a sliver of space into a walk to the rim. That is the shot chart lying to you. Shaquille O'Neal did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

Five bodies moving as one, FaZe Rug barking out every rotation, and there is not a crack anywhere in this thing. He tried to rise over Shaquille O'Neal. That was a mistake, and the ball is now several rows deep.

Stephen Curry sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Shaquille O'Neal has his head in his hands. And here is the answer to our game Big Brother-in-Law! Peggy Ann Hollifield of Sassafras Gap, South Carolina, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many pockets can cargo shorts have before they legally become furniture?' The answer was of course eleven, and at twelve you have to register them with the county. Peggy Ann takes home a novelty license plate that spells HOTDOG incorrectly! During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

85-105 (L)

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Toronto Border-Patrol with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

SKIP PASS! Kobe Bryant fires it cross court to Shaquille O'Neal and the defense is dead in the water! OHHHH the pin-down! Shaquille O'Neal pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Stephen Curry. Brutal. Shot clock at one, and Shaquille O'Neal just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing.

Technical on the executive producer! He argues with people all day at work and loses those too, only this one costs a free throw. There it is! Second technical on Justin Bieber, automatic ejection, his night is OVER.

Cold blooded from Toronto Border-Patrol, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

No hero ball here: Kobe Bryant takes what the defense gives and moves it along. The defender planted his feet, and Justin Bieber said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. The help defender had position, leverage, everything but a chance. Justin Bieber rose straight over the top of him, and one.

Nobody on the bench is sitting. Not the coaches, not the trainers, not the guy in the suit who never plays. Justin Bieber points at all of them at once with both hands. Towels come down like weather and the officials wait it out with the patience of the doomed.

Players head to the locker room. Shaquille O'Neal has tape on three fingers. Rumor has it Shaquille O'Neal talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. And now, our halftime TV game show Card Sharks and Minnows! To win a case of off-brand soda called Mister Fizz, text HOOPS to 555-0209 and answer this question: 'How deep is the deep end of a kiddie pool?' Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.

Arm across the body, whistle, dead ball. Reach on Shaquille O'Neal. OHHH that is a rotten one to pick up. Shaquille O'Neal bumps a cutter out near the logo on a play that threatened nobody.

Oh, Justin Bieber wanted to be heard. Congratulations, he was heard. Free throw the other way.

Dagger from Toronto Border-Patrol. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Kobe Bryant launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. OHHHH no, Justin Bieber floats it crosscourt and it gets picked off clean. That thing is going the other way.

Court vision like that on the youtuber is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. Fifth possession this half where Shaquille O'Neal has been left to bail everybody out with the clock at zero. He cannot keep doing this alone.

Turnover, layup, Toronto Border-Patrol straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Two defenders, one gap, and Kobe Bryant finds it. Onions on that pass. The defense keeps turning contested looks by Stephen Curry into free points. STOP REACHING. No wasted motion at all from Stephen Curry. Both free throws split the net and the scoreboard ticks over twice.

GONE down the baseline! FaZe Rug beat him on the first step and the paint is collapsing. Off the back iron for FaZe Rug, that one had all the distance and none of the accuracy, and the board goes the other way.

Justin Bieber grabs him before the ball even crosses half court. Intentional, obvious, and completely necessary.

Kobe Bryant and FaZe Rug walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. And here is the answer to our game Card Sharks and Minnows! Norma Jean Slaughterbeck of Grease Rack, Indiana, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How deep is the deep end of a kiddie pool?' The answer was of course approximately one confident toddler. Norma Jean takes home a case of off-brand soda called Mister Fizz! Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

89-111 (L)

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Minnesota Ice-Wall with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Kobe Bryant guesses left, the ball handler goes right, and suddenly this is a two-on-one before anybody can rotate. You cannot touch it inside the cylinder, and Kobe Bryant touched it inside the cylinder. Handed over, no receipt.

The other bench sent their best perimeter stopper out on Stephen Curry, and they are learning in real time that it will not be enough tonight. Stephen Curry takes two dribbles past halfcourt, rises from thirty five feet, and the net barely moves. Filthy.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Minnesota Ice-Wall, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Laser from Stephen Curry, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Give and go! Justin Bieber gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! Long and gone. Justin Bieber floats the teardrop over everything and bangs it off the back iron.

Time to breathe. FaZe Rug has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Physio's confession: FaZe Rug purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. And now, our halftime TV game show Name That Layup! To win a fondue set with three forks and no instructions, text HOOPS to 555-0347 and answer this question: 'How many folding chairs fit inside a regulation basketball hoop?' Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.

Minnesota Ice-Wall again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Two free throws and the ball for the other side, that is the price of a flagrant two, and Shaquille O'Neal pays it from the tunnel.

More second chance points for Minnesota Ice-Wall, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Clean feed from FaZe Rug, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Justin Bieber eats the contact so Kobe Bryant can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. Screen, hesitation, delivery, Kobe Bryant drops it off perfectly for FaZe Rug diving to the rim. That is body control you simply cannot coach: FaZe Rug stays up a full beat longer than everybody else and finishes clean.

FaZe Rug hangs on the rim one extra beat, letting the whole arena wait on him, then drops down into a dead-eyed mean mug. Kobe Bryant shoves him in the chest just to get a reaction. Nothing. Stone face on a man who just changed the game.

Body to body all the way to the rim and the arm goes up. That is on FaZe Rug, and this crew is not letting anything go tonight. Brutal timing on that whistle. This team loses its rim protection the moment FaZe Rug takes a seat, and the paint is wide open now.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and FaZe Rug threw it before the help even committed. The executive producer just ran that two-man game like he has a decade of film on it. Somebody get this man a contract. Down, up, and gone for FaZe Rug. The rim is just toying with him now.

Stephen Curry gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Kobe Bryant saw it a beat early. Stephen Curry attacks the baseline and the ENTIRE defense has to rotate behind him! Rim out for Stephen Curry, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

A full spin move through traffic from the youtuber! Whatever they teach in that trade, footwork is apparently part of it. The youtuber launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

Inbounds pass and Shaquille O'Neal is on him instantly, two hands on the jersey, whistle. The clock freezes at nineteen point four.

Justin Bieber claps his hands in frustration. Stephen Curry clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. And here is the answer to our game show Name That Layup! Vernon Dinkins of Cold Supper, Missouri, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many folding chairs fit inside a regulation basketball hoop?' The answer was of course none, and the fact that somebody tried is the real story here. Vernon therefore wins a fondue set with three forks and no instructions! Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

116-96 (W)

The executive producer just out-jumped a guy half a foot taller for the opening tip. Somebody check the day job again.

OHHHH that is filthy! Stephen Curry on the handoff and the man guarding it is still fighting over the top. OHHHH, that one died in the air! Kobe Bryant put nothing into it and the front rim eats the floater. Hustle play of the night so far. Stephen Curry gave up his ribs for one extra possession and the bench is on its feet. The whole possession dies right there without Stephen Curry on the offensive glass, and instead it becomes the two easiest points of the quarter.

Whistle. Moving screen on Shaquille O'Neal, and that one was not even close. Ball goes the other way.

The executive producer just took a charge from a man twice his size and got up smiling. Absolute lunatic behavior, and we love it!

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Houston Blast-Off, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Halftime. The physio pounces on Justin Bieber to massage his thighs. Confession: Justin Bieber calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. And now, our halftime TV game show The Big Spin Cycle! To win a toaster that only toasts one side of the bread, text HOOPS to 555-1057 and answer this question: 'What is the resale value of a game worn wristband?' We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.

Kobe Bryant comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! The block is clean, the ball is gone, and Kobe Bryant is left staring at his empty hands like a man who lost his keys.

Stephen Curry turns the corner off the screen from Kobe Bryant, the help never rotates, and the lane is WIDE open! Wrapped up the arm on the gather, plain as day. Kobe Bryant gets two, and the bench is already standing. Spin, one dribble, up and in. Then Kobe Bryant does the whole thing again. Zero drama, two points.

Somebody's towel goes up, then thirty of them, and the bench turns into a laundry emergency. Kobe Bryant stands in the middle of it with his arms out, letting them rain down on his head. An assistant coach is spinning one like a helicopter. Institutional collapse.

The youtuber just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. OHHHH the pocket pass! Kobe Bryant splits the coverage and the roll man is loose under the basket! FaZe Rug gathers on the baseline, absorbs contact from two bodies, and slams it home. That rim is still shaking.

Nothing but a nod. FaZe Rug jogs back on defense with his eyes half closed, like the shot was a formality he had penciled in. The entire arena is levitating and he could not look less involved. The Houston Blast-Off bench looks personally insulted.

The youtuber just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! Third one of these from Shaquille O'Neal this quarter, third time the arc is wrong. The lane is not open real estate anymore.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Houston Blast-Off with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Hesitate, GO. Stephen Curry is by that hip before the man even blinks. Stephen Curry attacks the paint, absorbs the bump, twists his body all the way around the defender and reverses it in. FILTHY.

Bent double with his hands on his knees, Stephen Curry takes one breath, straightens up and points at the coach who drew the play in the huddle. The coach nods once, no smile. FaZe Rug pounds the man's shoulder anyway. Respect, delivered at maximum volume.

Whistles. Monitor. And Shaquille O'Neal standing frozen at midcourt. The officials come back out, cross their arms, and Shaquille O'Neal goes from hero to spectator on one signal.

Stephen Curry runs to the coach and lifts the coach up. Not thrilled but smiles anyway. And here is the answer to our game show The Big Spin Cycle! Virgil Stanback of Buzzard Roost Landing, North Dakota, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the resale value of a game worn wristband?' The answer was of course two dollars and a firm handshake. Virgil therefore wins a toaster that only toasts one side of the bread! Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

113-98 (W)

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Kobe Bryant breaks a shell down. Textbook two-man game: Shaquille O'Neal keeps the dribble alive, forces the big man to commit, and Kobe Bryant rolls into an open runway. OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! Kobe Bryant never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! Range like that bends a defense completely out of shape, and Kobe Bryant keeps proving the arc is only a suggestion.

Kobe Bryant freezes in his follow-through, wrist still hanging, and holds it while the Denver Horse-Track coach burns a timeout out of pure desperation. He holds it through the whistle. He holds it into the huddle. The cameras eat every single second of it.

One hard step and FaZe Rug owns that whole side of the floor, which means the low man has to make a decision he does not want. Not a hand on him. FaZe Rug flat missed the bunny.

Denver Horse-Track again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The extra pass! Stephen Curry had the look, gave it up anyway, and Kobe Bryant buries it. BANG! The big man never even contested it, and Kobe Bryant still could not get the runner to drop. That one is on him.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the youtuber, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. Oldest play in the book and it still works: Justin Bieber passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the executive producer, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

That's a wrap for now. FaZe Rug dives into the tunnel. Anecdote: FaZe Rug fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. And now, our halftime TV game show Press Your Luck, Buddy! To win a metal detector that only ever finds bottle caps, text HOOPS to 555-0451 and answer this question: 'Who was the first person in recorded history to yell defense at a wedding?' Break's over, the players take their positions.

More second chance points for Denver Horse-Track, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Over the top of everybody. Kobe Bryant to Shaquille O'Neal in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. STOP AND GO! Shaquille O'Neal hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. Nobody moved, nobody cut, nobody set a screen, so Shaquille O'Neal launches a contested jumper with the horn already going. Ugly offense.

Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Stephen Curry, and not one single soul could do anything about it. Baseline drive by Stephen Curry, he absorbs the hammer from the help defender, and the official is already pointing to the line. Two shots, two makes. Stephen Curry does not flinch.

Ice in the veins: Stephen Curry taps two fingers on his wrist, slow and cold, while the horn is still fading. Courtside is standing on the chairs. The visiting bench does not move an inch. Somebody in the second row has already turned it into a T-shirt.

Stephen Curry launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Dribble handoff from Justin Bieber, and the defender gets wiped out on the exchange! Stephen Curry attacks the baseline, the big man steps up to meet him, and it does not matter one bit. FILTHY.

The too-small gesture, aimed straight at the Denver Horse-Track bench, both hands measuring an inch of air. Their coach is out of his chair and onto the officials. Stephen Curry keeps the pose, unblinking, backpedaling all the way. The arena hits a decibel level that clips the broadcast mics.

The bench is up, the defender is begging for help, and Stephen Curry keeps walking into the same spot and cashing. Heat check for Stephen Curry and it is GOOD. He is COOKING, and this building knows exactly what it is watching.

Stephen Curry mimes putting a whole section to sleep, hands folded against his cheek, eyes shut. He is facing the Denver Horse-Track fans who paid for the good seats. They boo. He nods along with the boos, which somehow makes the home crowd louder.

Screen, pop, SPLASH! Stephen Curry kicks it out and that thing never touched iron. The executive producer misses absolutely everything, and honestly, the nerve to even attempt that shot deserves something. Not points. But something.

The youtuber makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. The beauty of it is that Stephen Curry never has to set a screen at all, the exchange IS the screen. Nightmare to guard. That is the shot FaZe Rug wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

Kobe Bryant runs to the coach and lifts the coach up. Not thrilled but smiles anyway. And here is the answer to our game Press Your Luck, Buddy! Vergie Cornsilk of Hominy Bend, Arkansas, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'Who was the first person in recorded history to yell defense at a wedding?' The answer was of course an uncle, and he has not been invited back since. Vergie takes home a metal detector that only ever finds bottle caps! Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

87-105 (L)

Total control. Stephen Curry has this thing on a string. One little shoulder dip from FaZe Rug and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. Buzzer on the shot clock, FaZe Rug heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

Ball into FaZe Rug at the elbow, Stephen Curry plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. Prayer from Stephen Curry. Not answered.

New York Over-Timers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The youtuber makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Hard drive, hard stop, and Justin Bieber retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. Rising up out of the corner, Justin Bieber sends it LONG, clanging off the far side and out to the wing.

Oldest play in the book, and Stephen Curry runs it in his sleep. That drop coverage never had a prayer. They do not teach that footwork anymore, and yet here is Kobe Bryant running a full masterclass on the low block.

Break. Justin Bieber collapses next to the vending machine. Little scoop: Justin Bieber collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. And now, our halftime TV game show The Newlywed Regret Game! To win a genuine imitation leather fanny pack, text HOOPS to 555-0155 and answer this question: 'How many potato chips are in a family size bag before the air gets involved?' Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.

Nobody is getting a hand near that. FaZe Rug has all the room in the world. Count them with me: one step, two steps, and a third one nobody asked for. The official has seen enough of FaZe Rug.

Turnover, layup, New York Over-Timers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the youtuber, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. Straight down the baseline goes the executive producer! Whatever shift he worked this morning, he clearly left plenty in the tank. Justin Bieber probes to the right, pulls the string, and rises over a helpless closeout from twenty six feet. Splash.

Watch the change of pace from Stephen Curry, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. Rising into two defenders, Stephen Curry launches a jumper that finds nothing but backboard and bad decisions.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Stephen Curry threw it before the help even committed. The executive producer just handed that one straight to the other team. Hey, nobody is perfect at two jobs at once.

Bucket for New York Over-Timers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

The crossover comes, Shaquille O'Neal bites hard, and the lane opens up like the front door was left unlocked. You do not put the other team in the bonus this early. Kobe Bryant has to be smarter than contact that never had a chance at the ball.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for New York Over-Timers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

SKIP PASS! Stephen Curry fires it cross court to Justin Bieber and the defense is dead in the water! Justin Bieber stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. The executive producer launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

Shaquille O'Neal rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. FaZe Rug picks up his own and folds it carefully. And here is the answer to our game The Newlywed Regret Game! Loretta Bagwell of Turkey Foot, Georgia, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many potato chips are in a family size bag before the air gets involved?' The answer was of course eleven, and the remainder is atmosphere. Loretta takes home a genuine imitation leather fanny pack! Tonight I had a revelation: FaZe Rug runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

92-103 (L)

A chair knocked flat, an assistant coach holding somebody back by the jersey, that whole row completely unhinged. That is the Justin Bieber effect. Lazy crosscourt pass, and Kobe Bryant makes them pay. Clean pick, no whistle, two easy ones before that coach can sit back down.

Total control. Stephen Curry has this thing on a string. Down screen, and Shaquille O'Neal curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. Shaquille O'Neal had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Cleveland Twin-Towers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, Stephen Curry and FaZe Rug just played basketball and the defense got shredded. You are about to see a coach put his entire face in both hands, and Stephen Curry has earned every second of that reaction.

Three guys in warmups are halfway onto the floor celebrating what Stephen Curry just did, and an official has to wave them back to their seats. From behind! Shaquille O'Neal tracks him down and takes the ball right off the backboard.

Finally a breather. Justin Bieber has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. Anecdote: Justin Bieber tried to impress the Cleveland Twin-Towers players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. And now, our halftime TV game show The Dating Game Winner Gets Nothing! To win a bowling ball with the initials of a total stranger drilled into it, text HOOPS to 555-0698 and answer this question: 'How many rows back can you sit before the players become rumors?' Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Cleveland Twin-Towers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Stephen Curry breaks a shell down. Watch Stephen Curry plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring FaZe Rug out of that corner in a blink. FaZe Rug splits the coverage with a bounce pass you need slow motion to appreciate. Dimes. Reverse layup by Justin Bieber, using the rim as a shield the whole way through. A circus act wrapped around textbook footwork.

One hard jab step and Stephen Curry is leaning the wrong way, and the drive goes right past his shoulder. Two on the board for the visitors, and FaZe Rug knows it before the officials even get their hands up.

Kobe Bryant comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! Gift wrapped by Justin Bieber, and Kobe Bryant cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Cleveland Twin-Towers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Baseline spin from Stephen Curry at full speed, and his man never even gets a hand into the picture. Filthy stuff. ONIONS from Stephen Curry! He saw the hit coming and went up into it anyway. This is exactly why the coach wants the ball in his hands late. Stephen Curry has been money at that line all season long.

Shimmy from the corner all the way to half court, shoulders loose, chin high. Stephen Curry is in no hurry whatsoever. The home bench tries to copy it and produces something closer to a seizure. The building decides it loves both versions equally.

Turnover, layup, Cleveland Twin-Towers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The defender crowded the middle, and Kobe Bryant punished him along the baseline like it was drawn up in the huddle. Soft off the fingertips, the ball takes a full lap of the rim on Kobe Bryant, and spits straight back out. That is theft.

A scoreless four minutes and counting. The youtuber is finding out the hard way that this league punishes tired legs. The offense stalls, Shaquille O'Neal gets stuck on the wing with no exit and nobody flashing open, and the shot clock eats him alive.

Justin Bieber bites his lip, fists clenched. Shaquille O'Neal shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. And here is the answer to our game show The Dating Game Winner Gets Nothing! Sharlene Boggs of Muleshoe Corner, Ohio, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many rows back can you sit before the players become rumors?' The answer was of course row thirty one, and after that it is basically folklore. Sharlene therefore wins a bowling ball with the initials of a total stranger drilled into it! My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

106-107 (L)

More second chance points for Boston Ring-Chasers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Late rotation from Stephen Curry, he arrives half a beat behind the drive and the contact is obvious to everybody in the building. Stephen Curry reaches, gets caught, whistle. Third personal, and the coach immediately looks down his bench.

Stephen Curry kicks it over to Kobe Bryant, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Handoff, turn the corner, BUCKET! Kobe Bryant did all the dirty work on that one. The youtuber lines one up from four feet behind the line and the rim rejects the application on the spot. Back to the day job on that possession.

Bucket for Boston Ring-Chasers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Stephen Curry breaks a shell down. That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Kobe Bryant does. Kobe Bryant went for the deep heat check and produced the loudest silence of the night, roar to OHHHH in half a second.

The players leave the court. Shaquille O'Neal clings to the tunnel railing. Did you know Shaquille O'Neal once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. And now, our halftime TV game show Sale of the Half Century! To win a bread machine with a manual in three languages, none of them English, text HOOPS to 555-0673 and answer this question: 'What is the wingspan of a man who claims he could have gone pro?' Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.

No roll this time. Stephen Curry swings it right back to Shaquille O'Neal above the break, and it is PURE. BAAAANG! Shaquille O'Neal from the logo, and the entire bench is on its feet losing its mind!

Somebody's towel goes up, then thirty of them, and the bench turns into a laundry emergency. Shaquille O'Neal stands in the middle of it with his arms out, letting them rain down on his head. An assistant coach is spinning one like a helicopter. Institutional collapse.

Clean feed from Stephen Curry, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Here comes the slip from Justin Bieber, and Shaquille O'Neal reads it a half second before anybody else in the building. Justin Bieber hands it off to FaZe Rug, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. The executive producer just fired one in from the logo and the roof nearly came off this place. That is in nobody's job description.

No hero ball here: FaZe Rug takes what the defense gives and moves it along. Right through the window. Kobe Bryant to FaZe Rug on the roll, and the help was a half step late. Getting to his spot and elevating, FaZe Rug puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

Stephen Curry stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. You can hear that rim ringing from up here, Stephen Curry has forced three in a row now and the whole offense has stopped moving.

FaZe Rug eats the contact so Stephen Curry can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. Textbook footwork, textbook release from Stephen Curry, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

Dagger from Boston Ring-Chasers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The youtuber just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. Shaquille O'Neal holds it, waits, waits some more, then lets it go at the last possible instant to Kobe Bryant flying by. That is a half-second window and he threads it. Ball into Stephen Curry at the elbow, Kobe Bryant plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. Kobe Bryant backs his man down, feels the contact, spins middle and drops it in over both hands. Fundamentals!

Six on the clock. Stephen Curry takes one hard dribble right, pulls it back out, and waits. He is playing the clock, not the man. Silence. Not one sound in this building. Stephen Curry is still staring at that rim like it owes him an answer.

Stephen Curry lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Shaquille O'Neal decides not to comment. And here is the answer to our game show Sale of the Half Century! Orville Duckworth of Slush Pile, Michigan, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the wingspan of a man who claims he could have gone pro?' The answer was of course roughly the length of the story he is telling. Orville therefore wins a bread machine with a manual in three languages, none of them English! My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

90-135 (L)

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, San Antonio Skyscrapers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

TECHNICAL on Kobe Bryant! He found the one word you cannot say out here.

Oh my. Kobe Bryant did not even draw iron. The youtuber outworked everybody on the glass! Effort does not care what is printed on your business card. You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and FaZe Rug gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. Feet already set, hands already ready. Stephen Curry takes the feed from Kobe Bryant and cashes it.

Stephen Curry crosses his arms into an X, plants his feet at the top of the key and dares somebody to say something. Nobody does. Kobe Bryant mirrors the pose beside him. Two statues, twenty thousand people screaming, and every camera in the gym pointed at them.

San Antonio Skyscrapers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

TECHNICAL ON THE BENCH! The head coach is way out past the box, and it takes Justin Bieber with both arms to walk him back.

The locker room fills up. Justin Bieber has already eaten three oranges. Fun fact: Justin Bieber is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. And now, our halftime TV game show The Swap Meet Half Hour! To win a car dealership balloon man with no fan, text HOOPS to 555-1318 and answer this question: 'What is the top speed of a mascot running in oversized shoes?' Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for San Antonio Skyscrapers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

BAAAANG! Ten straight for Kobe Bryant and this place is a volcano! Hands on hips over there, a clipboard down on the chair, and it is all because of what Kobe Bryant just did.

Left, right, gone. Stephen Curry put that defender on skates and never even looked back. Stonewalled at the top of the square! The big man meets Stephen Curry up there and returns it with interest.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and FaZe Rug has known that all night long. Down screen, and Kobe Bryant curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. Unselfish basketball. Kobe Bryant passes up a good shot and hands Shaquille O'Neal a GREAT one. Deep. Deeper. GONE. Shaquille O'Neal drops it in from a spot the scouting report never even listed.

Dagger from San Antonio Skyscrapers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Set called, Kobe Bryant waved out to the corner, and Stephen Curry watches the spacing open up like a front door. OHHHHH HE SNATCHED HIS ANKLES! Kobe Bryant left him on the hardwood and this building is SHAKING! Kobe Bryant beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless.

The shooter saw Shaquille O'Neal rising into his eyeline, rushed the release, and caught nothing but the side of the rim.

A fistful of jersey to stop the break, and the bill comes due for Shaquille O'Neal: two at the line plus possession. Flagrant one on the drive. Shaquille O'Neal dusts himself off and walks to the line, and every possession the rest of the way is personal now.

Cold blooded from San Antonio Skyscrapers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

OHHHH the separation! Stephen Curry just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and Stephen Curry is walking back with both hands on his head.

Stephen Curry claps his hands in frustration. Kobe Bryant clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. And here is the answer to our game show The Swap Meet Half Hour! Lurleen Ratliff of Sopchoppy Flats, Florida, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the top speed of a mascot running in oversized shoes?' The answer was of course nine miles an hour downhill, four uphill, and zero once the head falls off. Lurleen therefore wins a car dealership balloon man with no fan! Tonight I learned Stephen Curry used to be a youtuber before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

83-124 (L)

Cheap. Nothing about that shot was going down, and Justin Bieber handed over three freebies anyway. The executive producer is a single whistle from disqualification and he is STILL sliding his feet into the paint. Courage or a very bad week at work.

Push the pace! Stephen Curry grabs it and hits FaZe Rug in stride before the defense can even match up. Hard drive, hard stop, and FaZe Rug retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. Rim, backboard, none of the above from the youtuber! Ladies and gentlemen, that is a person with a real job, and we have all just been reminded of it.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

This is a game inside the game, and FaZe Rug is holding up his end of it in style.

Cold blooded from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Halftime whistle! FaZe Rug slides down against the hallway wall. Rumor has it FaZe Rug tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". And now, our halftime TV game show Big Brother-in-Law! To win a novelty license plate that spells HOTDOG incorrectly, text HOOPS to 555-0296 and answer this question: 'How many pockets can cargo shorts have before they legally become furniture?' Break's over, the players take their positions.

No hero ball here: Kobe Bryant takes what the defense gives and moves it along. Here comes the slip from FaZe Rug, and Justin Bieber reads it a half second before anybody else in the building. The youtuber had that thing halfway down and the rim spat it back out. Nobody ever warns you that the iron has a personality.

Stephen Curry launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. STOP AND GO! FaZe Rug hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. Missed layup for the youtuber and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The youtuber reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. OHHHH, the cylinder rejects the youtuber! Somewhere a whole workplace just yelled at a television.

Bucket for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Stephen Curry has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Shaquille O'Neal precisely where the play wanted it. Filthy. Absolutely filthy from Shaquille O'Neal, and the defender knows exactly what just happened to him. Shaquille O'Neal beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Set called, Justin Bieber waved out to the corner, and Stephen Curry watches the spacing open up like a front door. BACKDOOR! Justin Bieber slips behind a sleeping defense and Stephen Curry hits him right in stride! Straight through the traffic, straight through the contact. The executive producer finishes with a free throw coming and the paint suddenly feels very small.

The youtuber just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. The executive producer pops to the arc and buries it, and nobody in this building believes that man clocks in somewhere in the morning. Nobody bothered to contest it, because nobody believed FaZe Rug would shoot from there. Lesson learned the hard way.

FaZe Rug finds the courtside camera lens, leans all the way in and says absolutely nothing. Just breathes on it. Eight seconds of national television filled by one enormous face. Stephen Curry photobombs with crossed eyes, and the clip runs on every highlight show by midnight.

OHHHH the tension! Nobody is sitting, nobody is blinking, all of it rides on Justin Bieber. Waved off. Justin Bieber got the entire celebration in before the officials even reached the monitor.

Kobe Bryant shakes Stephen Curry's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. And here is the answer to our game Big Brother-in-Law! Peggy Ann Hollifield of Sassafras Gap, South Carolina, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many pockets can cargo shorts have before they legally become furniture?' The answer was of course eleven, and at twelve you have to register them with the county. Peggy Ann takes home a novelty license plate that spells HOTDOG incorrectly! Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'