My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇬🇧

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

86-130 (L)

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Detroit Engine-Roar, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Shaquille O'Neal lets it FLY from way downtown and... front rim. Not this time. The film producer outworked everybody on the glass! Effort does not care what is printed on your business card. Court vision like that on the film producer is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. Stop on a dime, up and over those outstretched arms, and the center can only stand there and watch Pope Francis walk away from it.

Wiping imaginary dust off both shoulders, Pope Francis strolls back on defense at the speed of a man walking his dog. Shaquille O'Neal carries the bit further and mimes brushing off his shoes. The bench is on the floor. The head coach is not laughing, but only barely.

Ice in his veins for a guy who answers to film producer the rest of the week. Professional shot, amateur resume. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and Shaquille O'Neal is walking back with both hands on his head.

SKIP PASS! Shaquille O'Neal fires it cross court to Peter Dinklage and the defense is dead in the water! That crossover was not about getting a shot up. Peter Dinklage pulled it out to tell everybody in the gym whose possession this is. Rim out for Peter Dinklage, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

Cold blooded from Detroit Engine-Roar, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Break. Shaquille O'Neal collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Did you know Shaquille O'Neal entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. And now, our halftime TV game show Bowling for Buckets! To win a tackle box packed solid with loose buttons, text HOOPS to 555-1112 and answer this question: 'How many buckets fit in a bucket if the buckets are points?' The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.

The other bench sent their best perimeter stopper out on Shaquille O'Neal, and they are learning in real time that it will not be enough tonight. Stonewalled at the top of the square! The big man meets Shaquille O'Neal up there and returns it with interest.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Detroit Engine-Roar with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Somebody explain how the film producer reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. Hesitate, GO. Shaquille O'Neal is by that hip before the man even blinks. Gift wrapped by Peter Dinklage, and Shaquille O'Neal cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

Dagger from Detroit Engine-Roar. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

SPIN and GO! Peter Dinklage pirouettes right through the traffic and comes out the other side clean! Peter Dinklage gets both toes behind the line and the contest arrives through his forearm. Here comes the gift.

One little shoulder dip from Peter Dinklage and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. Off the dribble, a full step behind the logo, straight down. Tomorrow the film producer goes back to work, tonight he owns this arena.

Hands out, palms up, Peter Dinklage shrugs at the officials like he cannot explain what he just did either. Dry as a bone. Charlie Kirk is doubled over at half court and the broadcast crew is howling. It goes viral before the next possession even starts.

GONE down the baseline! Pope Francis beat him on the first step and the paint is collapsing. Not a hand on him. Pope Francis flat missed the bunny.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the film producer, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. The chemist pulls out the crossover of his life, and Monday morning he clocks in like nothing ever happened. Way short from Pope Francis off the bounce, the ball dies on the front of the rim and drops into traffic.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Detroit Engine-Roar with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Shaquille O'Neal, and not one single soul could do anything about it. Ohhh no. Shaquille O'Neal just walked. In front of everybody.

Shaquille O'Neal refuses Detroit Engine-Roar's handshake. Pope Francis offers a limp one with just his fingertips. And here is the answer to our game show Bowling for Buckets! Tammy Lynn Housewright of Big Elbow, Washington, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many buckets fit in a bucket if the buckets are points?' The answer was of course two per bucket, three from way out, and one if somebody fouls you. Tammy Lynn therefore wins a tackle box packed solid with loose buttons! Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

89-115 (L)

Shaquille O'Neal launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Peter Dinklage hands it off to Pope Francis, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. Nobody drew up that arc. The film producer floated one halfway to the rafters, and the rim never even got a say.

Bucket for Miami Heart-Attack. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Eight-second call against Shaquille O'Neal, and the coach is off the bench begging anyone to come set a screen up top.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Miami Heart-Attack in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

The film producer is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Pope Francis put that man in a blender and the third row felt it! Shot clock at one, and Pope Francis just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing.

Halftime. Charlie Kirk glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Anecdote: Charlie Kirk tried to impress the Miami Heart-Attack players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. And now, our halftime TV game show The Weakest Rebound! To win a first place pepper jelly ribbon from the 1996 state fair, text HOOPS to 555-1327 and answer this question: 'What is the official color of the squeak sneaker makes on a wet floor?' Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.

This is the kind of detail that keeps coaches awake at night: Charlie Kirk simply has to let that shot miss instead of donating a bucket.

The beauty of it is that Peter Dinklage never has to set a screen at all, the exchange IS the screen. Nightmare to guard. Baseline drive by Shaquille O'Neal, he absorbs the hammer from the help defender, and the official is already pointing to the line. Shaquille O'Neal steps up, same routine, same release, splash and splash. Nothing but net twice.

Hands out, palms up, Shaquille O'Neal shrugs at the officials like he cannot explain what he just did either. Dry as a bone. Pope Francis is doubled over at half court and the broadcast crew is howling. It goes viral before the next possession even starts.

Turnover, layup, Miami Heart-Attack straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The help defender committed way too early, and Shaquille O'Neal made him pay for it with a spin they will be replaying all week. REJECTED! Shaquille O'Neal takes it in and gets it sent straight back into his own chest.

The chemist makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Look how low Shaquille O'Neal keeps that shoulder on the drive, that is how you turn a sliver of space into a walk to the rim. Shaquille O'Neal gets into the paint, sees the shot blocker rising, and simply lifts it over the top of him. Never had a prayer.

Wiping imaginary dust off both shoulders, Shaquille O'Neal strolls back on defense at the speed of a man walking his dog. Pope Francis carries the bit further and mimes brushing off his shoes. The bench is on the floor. The head coach is not laughing, but only barely.

You do not put the other team in the bonus this early. Shaquille O'Neal has to be smarter than contact that never had a chance at the ball. Shaquille O'Neal pulls the towel over his head before he even sits down, and you can read the frustration from the upper deck.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Peter Dinklage just did it by hitting Charlie Kirk on the back side with acres of room. OHHHHH HE SNATCHED HIS ANKLES! Charlie Kirk left him on the hardwood and this building is SHAKING! Soft off the fingertips, the ball takes a full lap of the rim on Charlie Kirk, and spits straight back out. That is theft.

More second chance points for Miami Heart-Attack, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Second pass beats the rotation, Peter Dinklage to Pope Francis, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. Two points left on the floor by Pope Francis, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth.

Peter Dinklage bites his lip, fists clenched. Shaquille O'Neal shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. And here is the answer to our game show The Weakest Rebound! Earlene Tidwell of Gizzard Ridge, Tennessee, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the official color of the squeak sneaker makes on a wet floor?' The answer was of course a light mustard yellow, per the county Department of Squeaks. Earlene therefore wins a first place pepper jelly ribbon from the 1996 state fair! My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

85-127 (L)

Small thing, a jump ball, but Charlie Kirk winning that tip means we set the tone. Coaches script that first play for a reason.

Baseline wide open. Shaquille O'Neal said thank you. BANG is what Shaquille O'Neal was hearing in his head. Clang is what this building actually got.

Orlando Magic-Beans again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Shaquille O'Neal does. OHHHH the FADEAWAY! Shaquille O'Neal rises over the defender and it falls through.

The noise climbs past whatever the building was engineered for, and Shaquille O'Neal uses it to kneel down and retie a shoe that was already tied. Double knot, no hurry, eyes on the laces. Peter Dinklage stands over him like a bodyguard while somewhere down there a coach calls a play into a hurricane and loses.

Dagger from Orlando Magic-Beans. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

That's a wrap for now. Pope Francis dives into the tunnel. Anecdote of the day: Pope Francis forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. And now, our halftime TV game show Triple Dog Dare Hour! To win two pails of driveway sealer that have never once been opened, text HOOPS to 555-0405 and answer this question: 'How many peanuts are dropped on the floor of an average arena per game?' The players are back on the court. Here we go again!

The film producer is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. OHHHH the separation! Pope Francis just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. The bench has cleared, the crowd is screaming, and somewhere a photographer just got the shot of the season thanks to Pope Francis.

Pope Francis sets an invisible crown on his own head, adjusts it twice, and carries the thing off like it weighs forty pounds. The Orlando Magic-Beans bench does not find it funny. Shaquille O'Neal pounds the crown down with one fist and steers him away before the technical arrives.

Verticality, timing, discipline: Charlie Kirk never bites on the pump fake and still finds a way to erase the shot.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Orlando Magic-Beans in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Ball moves. Pope Francis to Shaquille O'Neal, on time and on target. Watch the change of pace from Shaquille O'Neal, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. Pull-up from the elbow by Shaquille O'Neal, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Orlando Magic-Beans with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Shaquille O'Neal kicks it over to Peter Dinklage, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Peter Dinklage splits the coverage with a bounce pass you need slow motion to appreciate. Dimes. Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, Pope Francis goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard.

Snatched his ankles, and Shaquille O'Neal is still checking whether they are attached. That is the second personal charged to Pope Francis and the bench is already staring at the clipboard. Foul trouble rewrites a rotation in a hurry.

Shaquille O'Neal stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. Shaquille O'Neal beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Orlando Magic-Beans, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

OHHHH the tension! Nobody is sitting, nobody is blinking, all of it rides on Pope Francis. The chemist sells it at the monitor and gets the ball back. In that trade you learn early that confidence beats evidence.

Shaquille O'Neal hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Peter Dinklage keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. And here is the answer to our game show Triple Dog Dare Hour! Maureen Skaggs of North Fork Elbow, Idaho, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many peanuts are dropped on the floor of an average arena per game?' The answer was of course four thousand and nine, not counting the ones nobody will admit to. Maureen therefore wins two pails of driveway sealer that have never once been opened! Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

103-114 (L)

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Philadelphia Injury-Report with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Clean feed from Shaquille O'Neal, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Read, screen, delivery, right on the money. A conspiracy theorist making the right pass every single time, and the league is taking notes. A cruel spin-out for the film producer, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

Cold blooded from Philadelphia Injury-Report, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Cross court, on a rope, from the chemist. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. The defender planted his feet, and Peter Dinklage said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. The film producer gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here.

Whirl, and GONE! Shaquille O'Neal leaves the defender grabbing at a jersey that stopped being there half a second ago. Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, Shaquille O'Neal fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

Back in the locker room, Shaquille O'Neal sits down and stares at the ceiling. Anecdote: Shaquille O'Neal once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. And now, our halftime TV game show Legends of the Hidden Thermostat! To win a snow globe of a town that has never once had snow, text HOOPS to 555-0247 and answer this question: 'Which came first, the tailgate or the truck?' We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Peter Dinklage has known that all night long. Straight down the baseline goes the conspiracy theorist! Whatever shift he worked this morning, he clearly left plenty in the tank. No good. Charlie Kirk rushed that one.

Somebody explain how the film producer reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. Telegraphed. Pope Francis announced that pass three days in advance and the defense RSVP'd.

Turnover, layup, Philadelphia Injury-Report straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

That is vision. Shaquille O'Neal sees the pocket open for a tenth of a second and puts the ball in it. The conspiracy theorist tried the teardrop and never got it to the rim. Turns out soft touch does not come standard with that day job.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Philadelphia Injury-Report, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Watch the spacing there, Shaquille O'Neal hits Peter Dinklage right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. Textbook two-man game: Peter Dinklage keeps the dribble alive, forces the big man to commit, and Charlie Kirk rolls into an open runway. BRICK! Charlie Kirk throws up a prayer and the iron sends it straight back out to half court!

The film producer just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. The conspiracy theorist runs a dribble handoff with the timing of a fifteen-year vet. Not bad for somebody who does this on weekends. Nasty finish. Shaquille O'Neal hangs, adjusts in midair, and drops it through.

The noise climbs past whatever the building was engineered for, and Shaquille O'Neal uses it to kneel down and retie a shoe that was already tied. Double knot, no hurry, eyes on the laces. Peter Dinklage stands over him like a bodyguard while somewhere down there a coach calls a play into a hurricane and loses.

The crossover comes, Shaquille O'Neal bites hard, and the lane opens up like the front door was left unlocked. Slap across the wrist, and the crew saw every bit of it. Peter Dinklage pays for that one.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Shaquille O'Neal threw it before the help even committed. Down screen, and Charlie Kirk curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. Somebody check that job title again: the conspiracy theorist hanging in the air like the paint owes him rent, and finishing anyway.

Somebody's towel goes up, then thirty of them, and the bench turns into a laundry emergency. Charlie Kirk stands in the middle of it with his arms out, letting them rain down on his head. An assistant coach is spinning one like a helicopter. Institutional collapse.

Peter Dinklage unclasps his chain and squeezes it in his fist. Pope Francis runs a hand down his face. And here is the answer to our game Legends of the Hidden Thermostat! Duane Grubbs of Sour Lake Flats, Louisiana, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'Which came first, the tailgate or the truck?' The answer was of course the tailgate, and it waited nineteen years. Duane takes home a snow globe of a town that has never once had snow! I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

83-127 (L)

Tip is UP and Charlie Kirk gets there first! We are underway and it is our ball.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Phoenix No-Defense, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Two defenders, one gap, and Shaquille O'Neal finds it. Onions on that pass. Count them with me: one step, two steps, and a third one nobody asked for. The official has seen enough of Charlie Kirk.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Pope Francis breaks a shell down. The conspiracy theorist just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! Oh my. Pope Francis did not even draw iron.

Phoenix No-Defense again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The players disappear into the tunnel. Charlie Kirk asks for an ice pack. Confession: Charlie Kirk tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. And now, our halftime TV game show Blockbusters at the Laundromat! To win a mannequin torso wearing a borrowed letterman jacket, text HOOPS to 555-0388 and answer this question: 'What is the boiling point of a chili at a firehouse cook-off?' Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.

The film producer pops to the arc and buries it, and nobody in this building believes that man clocks in somewhere in the morning. Isolation on the wing, shot clock draining, and Shaquille O'Neal rocks the defender to sleep before dropping it through.

Shaquille O'Neal steps over the defender who ended up on the floor and keeps walking, never looks down. Cold as a meat locker. The building erupts twice, once for the bucket and once for the disrespect. The replay gets its own dedicated camera angle.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Phoenix No-Defense with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Peter Dinklage already has the defense a full step behind. Shaquille O'Neal crosses, crosses back, the defender slides half a step the wrong way and the whole arena lets out the same OHHHH. That is a dime from Charlie Kirk that deserved so much better, and Shaquille O'Neal knows it, head down, jogging back before the ball even lands.

Give and go! Shaquille O'Neal gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! Prayer from Shaquille O'Neal. Not answered.

Pope Francis gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Shaquille O'Neal saw it a beat early. Screened, toasted, done. Pope Francis is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. Peter Dinklage threads a BEAUTY to Pope Francis under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Peter Dinklage drops it off to Charlie Kirk on time and on target. Dribble handoff from Charlie Kirk, and the defender gets wiped out on the exchange! You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and Shaquille O'Neal gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. From WAY downtown! Peter Dinklage launched that one from the parking lot!

More second chance points for Phoenix No-Defense, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Laser from Shaquille O'Neal, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Oldest play in the book and it still works: Charlie Kirk passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. Perfect drop-off from Pope Francis, and Charlie Kirk answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

Dagger from Phoenix No-Defense. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Over the top of everybody. Peter Dinklage to Shaquille O'Neal in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Watch the sell from Shaquille O'Neal here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. That is the shot Shaquille O'Neal wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

Peter Dinklage closes his eyes walking out. Charlie Kirk keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. And here is the answer to our game Blockbusters at the Laundromat! Reba Mae Odom of Skillet Fork, California, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the boiling point of a chili at a firehouse cook-off?' The answer was of course slightly above the legal limit. Reba Mae takes home a mannequin torso wearing a borrowed letterman jacket! Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Peter Dinklage's name. Forgive me. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

90-134 (L)

Won it clean! Charlie Kirk got up and over him with room to spare.

Over the top of everybody. Shaquille O'Neal to Peter Dinklage in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. The film producer just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. Straight through the traffic, straight through the contact. The film producer finishes with a free throw coming and the paint suddenly feels very small.

Ice in the veins: Peter Dinklage taps two fingers on his wrist, slow and cold, while the horn is still fading. Courtside is standing on the chairs. The visiting bench does not move an inch. Somebody in the second row has already turned it into a T-shirt.

Bodies everywhere in the paint and it does not matter one bit to Peter Dinklage, one spin and the ball never leaves the string. Peter Dinklage rises from deep, the defender flies in a half second late, and the officials put up three fingers.

Turnover, layup, Los Angeles Nursing-Home straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Beautiful footwork on that one from Peter Dinklage, the pivot foot never budges, which is precisely why the whistle stays in the pocket. OHHHH! Peter Dinklage went up looking for a poster and came back down as the punchline.

Break! Charlie Kirk heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Anecdote: Charlie Kirk once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. And now, our halftime TV game show The Chase to the Dollar Store! To win a boxed set of instructional VHS tapes about gutter care, text HOOPS to 555-0225 and answer this question: 'How long is a minute on a stopwatch held by somebody in a hurry?' We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.

SKIP PASS! Peter Dinklage fires it cross court to Shaquille O'Neal and the defense is dead in the water! Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, Shaquille O'Neal and Pope Francis just played basketball and the defense got shredded. Shaquille O'Neal blows the wide open layup!

Cold blooded from Los Angeles Nursing-Home, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Pope Francis has known that all night long. Handoff, turn the corner, BUCKET! Charlie Kirk did all the dirty work on that one. The film producer had that thing halfway down and the rim spat it back out. Nobody ever warns you that the iron has a personality.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Los Angeles Nursing-Home in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Iso for the film producer, and after the shift that man put in today, the defender is the one I feel sorry for. Peter Dinklage lowers the shoulder, the defender was planted, and that is an offensive foul. Hand the ball back.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Los Angeles Nursing-Home with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

This is the part of the league nobody loves and everybody watches: Shaquille O'Neal waits with both hands on top of his head. BAAAANG, make that THREE! The replay has the toe of Shaquille O'Neal clean behind the line!

Right hand to the mouthguard, out, pointed at the rafters, back in. Shaquille O'Neal does not break stride once. Two rows of fans are hugging total strangers. Complete loss of composure in the entire lower bowl, and the game is nowhere near over.

Shaquille O'Neal rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. The filthy euro-step in traffic was the idea, but the feet got greedy and the whistle blew Shaquille O'Neal dead.

Bucket for Los Angeles Nursing-Home. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Iron AGAIN for Charlie Kirk! Somebody put a lid on that rim and every possession has turned into pure suffering. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Pope Francis dribbles it out at the top of the key and never even looks at the basket.

Shaquille O'Neal stares at the floor while Charlie Kirk mutters something inaudible under his breath. And here is the answer to our game The Chase to the Dollar Store! Lurlene Dobbins of Rusty Spoon, New Mexico, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How long is a minute on a stopwatch held by somebody in a hurry?' The answer was of course fifty-one seconds, give or take a conscience. Lurlene takes home a boxed set of instructional VHS tapes about gutter care! I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

93-130 (L)

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Toronto Border-Patrol with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Shaquille O'Neal has known that all night long. OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! Charlie Kirk never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! Perfect drop-off from Peter Dinklage, and Charlie Kirk answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

That is ninety-four feet of pure effort from Pope Francis, and that is the play a locker room remembers in April. The chemist just threw an outlet that traveled farther than most people commute. Absurd. Turn it over against this team and Shaquille O'Neal is gone the second the ball changes hands. Those transition points keep stacking up.

Golf swing follow-through, perfect form, Shaquille O'Neal tracks the imaginary ball into the upper deck with a hand shading his eyes. Somebody in the front row yells about a hole in one. The referee has now warned this team twice and been ignored twice.

Dagger from Toronto Border-Patrol. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The film producer is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. Shaquille O'Neal eats the contact so Pope Francis can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Pope Francis!

End of the first half. Pope Francis is beet red but still standing. Fun fact: Pope Francis got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. And now, our halftime TV game show Press Your Luck Harder! To win a bumper sticker collection covering one entire tailgate, text HOOPS to 555-0362 and answer this question: 'In what year was the jump ball invented by accident during a barn raising?' The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.

You practice that for twenty minutes a day all season and hit it twice a year. Pope Francis just cashed one.

Pope Francis pretends to check a watch that is not on his wrist, taps it, then shows it to the arena. Time is up. Peter Dinklage mimes an enormous yawn. The visiting coach is shouting at officials who have no jurisdiction over sarcasm.

More second chance points for Toronto Border-Patrol, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

The chemist is running this zone like he has been drawing it up his entire life. Wrong career, my friend, absolutely the wrong career. Four live-ball turnovers now for Charlie Kirk, and every single one of them has turned into a bucket.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Pope Francis makes it every single trip down the floor. Court vision like that on the conspiracy theorist is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. Shaquille O'Neal had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

Bucket for Toronto Border-Patrol. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Peter Dinklage drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. Buzzer on the shot clock, Shaquille O'Neal heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

Left, right, gone. Peter Dinklage put that defender on skates and never even looked back. That is a shot selection problem, plain and simple. Peter Dinklage drove into three bodies and the help defender was waiting the whole way.

Cold blooded from Toronto Border-Patrol, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Somebody find a fire extinguisher for the chemist! Whatever the day job is, right now the only trade that matters is getting buckets. Denied, and the heat goes with it. Pope Francis gets a long stare from the bench, and he has earned every second of it.

Take the foul, live with whatever happens at the line. Pope Francis clamps down on the ball handler and the whistle does the rest.

Peter Dinklage walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Shaquille O'Neal drags one foot after the other. And here is the answer to our game show Press Your Luck Harder! Bobbi Sue Yarborough of Sawmill Bottom, Georgia, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'In what year was the jump ball invented by accident during a barn raising?' The answer was of course 1871, in a hayloft, by two men arguing about a rooster. Bobbi Sue therefore wins a bumper sticker collection covering one entire tailgate! During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

81-112 (L)

A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Shaquille O'Neal pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. Bless him, Shaquille O'Neal tried a move he has clearly only ever pulled off in an empty gym at midnight. Walk.

Dagger from Minnesota Ice-Wall. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

One hard step and Shaquille O'Neal owns that whole side of the floor, which means the low man has to make a decision he does not want. The block is clean, the ball is gone, and Shaquille O'Neal is left staring at his empty hands like a man who lost his keys.

No hero ball here: Pope Francis takes what the defense gives and moves it along. OHHHH that is filthy! Peter Dinklage on the handoff and the man guarding it is still fighting over the top. The chemist had that thing halfway down and the rim spat it back out. Nobody ever warns you that the iron has a personality.

The big rolls, the defense collapses, and Shaquille O'Neal punishes it with a read most guys never even see. OHHHH, that one died in the air! Pope Francis put nothing into it and the front rim eats the floater.

Break. Shaquille O'Neal asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Locker room intel: Shaquille O'Neal has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. And now, our halftime TV game show Truth or Consequences of Turnovers! To win a doorbell that plays eleven seconds of a song nobody requested, text HOOPS to 555-0644 and answer this question: 'How many turnovers does it take to fill a standard laundry hamper?' Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.

Swing, swing, and Peter Dinklage finds Pope Francis on the wing before the help can even turn its head. Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Pope Francis makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. Charlie Kirk went for the deep heat check and produced the loudest silence of the night, roar to OHHHH in half a second.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Minnesota Ice-Wall in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Peter Dinklage controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. A single dribble is all Charlie Kirk needed to get downhill, and the back side of that defense is in complete disarray. Get that one framed. Charlie Kirk took off from the block and the defender is still lying on the floor.

The chemist puts a shoulder into the ball handler and pays for it. He spends all day being polite to strangers and now he is hacking people for a living. Losing Pope Francis to fouls changes this defense completely, because nobody left on that roster can handle the matchup.

Turnover, layup, Minnesota Ice-Wall straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

They do not teach that in the film producer handbook, and yet here we are. Beautiful little exchange. Oh, that is rough. Pope Francis killed his own dribble and then started a brand new one.

Cold blooded from Minnesota Ice-Wall, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Peter Dinklage launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. The chemist reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from Pope Francis. Reverse layup by Pope Francis, using the rim as a shield the whole way through. A circus act wrapped around textbook footwork.

Bucket for Minnesota Ice-Wall. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Somebody explain how the film producer reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. Off the pin-down comes the chemist with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. Rises, releases, and Pope Francis sends the ball through the exact patch of sky where the rim is not.

Pope Francis avoids the cameras like the plague. Shaquille O'Neal gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. And here is the answer to our game show Truth or Consequences of Turnovers! Lorene Kirkpatrick of Broken Hoop, New Mexico, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many turnovers does it take to fill a standard laundry hamper?' The answer was of course nineteen, or four if they are the really big ones. Lorene therefore wins a doorbell that plays eleven seconds of a song nobody requested! Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

83-128 (L)

Charlie Kirk controls the tip, and the offense gets to run its first set on schedule. Little edges like that stack up over forty-eight minutes.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Pope Francis breaks a shell down. Filthy. Absolutely filthy from Peter Dinklage, and the defender knows exactly what just happened to him. Rising up out of the corner, Peter Dinklage sends it LONG, clanging off the far side and out to the wing.

Peter Dinklage feels the contact, spins off that shoulder, and the defender is left hugging a whole lot of nothing. Gift wrapped by Charlie Kirk, and Peter Dinklage cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

He is COOKING on defense right now. Shaquille O'Neal just made them burn a timeout to get across half court. Hands like that on the conspiracy theorist? Whatever he does all day, by night he is robbing people blind. BAAAANG! Shaquille O'Neal throws the outlet ahead and Charlie Kirk finishes through contact at the rim!

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Houston Blast-Off with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Break! Shaquille O'Neal grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. True story: Shaquille O'Neal walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Houston Blast-Off. Awkward. And now, our halftime TV game show To Tell the Truth-ish! To win a wall clock shaped like a rooster that crows at random, text HOOPS to 555-0330 and answer this question: 'What is the scientific name for the smell of a middle school gymnasium?' Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.

Hand check on Charlie Kirk. That is a foul in this league every single time. Six fouls and the conspiracy theorist is done. Nobody in that trade ever learned to move their feet, but my word, he tried tonight.

Cold blooded from Houston Blast-Off, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Set called, Shaquille O'Neal waved out to the corner, and Peter Dinklage watches the spacing open up like a front door. Working him at the top of the key, low dribble, low dribble, then Shaquille O'Neal rips it across and his man lunges at a ghost. Not a hand on him. Shaquille O'Neal flat missed the bunny.

More second chance points for Houston Blast-Off, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

SKIP PASS! Pope Francis fires it cross court to Shaquille O'Neal and the defense is dead in the water! The other bench sent their best perimeter stopper out on Shaquille O'Neal, and they are learning in real time that it will not be enough tonight. It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on Shaquille O'Neal. Cruel.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Houston Blast-Off, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Pope Francis kicks it over to Shaquille O'Neal, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Two defenders collide on the handoff and Pope Francis is gone, so Shaquille O'Neal earned that one even if the box score disagrees. Off the back iron for Pope Francis, that one had all the distance and none of the accuracy, and the board goes the other way.

The crowd has found its chant, and Shaquille O'Neal is going to be hearing it all night. Hustle play of the night so far. Charlie Kirk gave up his ribs for one extra possession and the bench is on its feet. The whole possession dies right there without Charlie Kirk on the offensive glass, and instead it becomes the two easiest points of the quarter.

Dagger from Houston Blast-Off. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Standing in the lane like the conspiracy theorist is waiting on a bus that is never coming. Whistle blows, ball goes the other way.

Charlie Kirk sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Shaquille O'Neal has his head in his hands. And here is the answer to our game To Tell the Truth-ish! Merle Hackenbush of Muddy Boot, Illinois, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the scientific name for the smell of a middle school gymnasium?' The answer was of course nostalgia, with strong notes of floor wax. Merle takes home a wall clock shaped like a rooster that crows at random! My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

89-134 (L)

Ohhh no. Corner three, Denver Horse-Track in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Ball into Peter Dinklage at the elbow, Pope Francis plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. Blocked into the floor. Pope Francis will be seeing that one in his sleep.

Bucket for Denver Horse-Track. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Cross court, on a rope, from the chemist. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. The film producer just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! Peter Dinklage blows the wide open layup!

Dagger from Denver Horse-Track. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Rest time. Charlie Kirk isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Juicy intel: Charlie Kirk turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. And now, our halftime TV game show Password Please Try Again! To win an exercise machine holding the same folded laundry since 2009, text HOOPS to 555-0891 and answer this question: 'What do you call the fifth quarter if nobody agrees it happened?' Back in action! The coach got the message across.

Peter Dinklage comes off the screen and the big man drops WAY back. Shaquille O'Neal just fades to the arc for the cleanest look of the night. AIRBALL! Shaquille O'Neal missed the rim, the backboard and everything in between!

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Denver Horse-Track with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

He backs him down, backs him down again, and Charlie Kirk does not move. Not one inch. That outlet from Charlie Kirk is a weapon, it turns a defensive stop into two points in about three seconds. Put him on skates, then put him on a POSTER. Pope Francis owns the highlight reel tonight.

Slow walk, no expression. Pope Francis backpedals past the Denver Horse-Track huddle close enough to hear what is being said and never turns his head. The crowd noise is a physical object at this point. One of their assistants stands up, and nothing comes of it.

Turnover, layup, Denver Horse-Track straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

That crossover was not about getting a shot up. Shaquille O'Neal pulled it out to tell everybody in the gym whose possession this is. Every highlight show in the country runs that clip tonight, and unfortunately for Shaquille O'Neal he is on the wrong end of it.

Peter Dinklage walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. The chemist reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. AROUND the cylinder and OUT! Pope Francis cannot believe it, and neither can this building.

The chemist takes the baseline and bends an entire defense out of shape. Absolutely absurd stuff in this building tonight. Catch on the block, shoulder into the chest, one dribble, and Pope Francis finishes over the top. Textbook.

Pope Francis mimes putting a whole section to sleep, hands folded against his cheek, eyes shut. He is facing the Denver Horse-Track fans who paid for the good seats. They boo. He nods along with the boos, which somehow makes the home crowd louder.

Peter Dinklage is COOKING and he knows it, he wants every single touch right now! The film producer hit three straight and immediately decided he was allowed to shoot from the tunnel. He was not.

The film producer is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. Shaquille O'Neal tries to force it through two bodies and finds nothing but the defender's hands.

The box score will show nothing at all for the conspiracy theorist, just a ruined shot and a shooter who will remember that wall all night.

Peter Dinklage sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Charlie Kirk has his head in his hands. And here is the answer to our game show Password Please Try Again! Curtis Pruitt of Bent Spoon, Utah, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What do you call the fifth quarter if nobody agrees it happened?' The answer was of course the honor quarter, and the score from it is kept exclusively by uncles. Curtis therefore wins an exercise machine holding the same folded laundry since 2009! Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

79-123 (L)

OHHHH he SNATCHED that tip! Charlie Kirk rips it out of the air and we are off.

The film producer just ran that two-man game like he has a decade of film on it. Somebody get this man a contract. Illegal screen on Shaquille O'Neal. All that effort, and the reward is a whistle and a long walk back on defense.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, New York Over-Timers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Straight down the baseline goes the chemist! Whatever shift he worked this morning, he clearly left plenty in the tank. Nobody bothered to contest it, because nobody believed Pope Francis would shoot from there. Lesson learned the hard way.

Pope Francis sets an invisible crown on his own head, adjusts it twice, and carries the thing off like it weighs forty pounds. The New York Over-Timers bench does not find it funny. Peter Dinklage pounds the crown down with one fist and steers him away before the technical arrives.

The extra pass! Peter Dinklage had the look, gave it up anyway, and Pope Francis buries it. BANG! Pope Francis gets to his spot in the lane, lifts the runner over the big man, and leaves it a foot short. No dice.

Halftime whistle. Pope Francis spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Intel: Pope Francis refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. And now, our halftime TV game show Fear Factor Free Throws! To win a truck bed liner for a truck nobody in the family owns, text HOOPS to 555-0952 and answer this question: 'How many miles does a coach pace during a close game?' Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.

Turnover, layup, New York Over-Timers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The chemist makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Kick out to Shaquille O'Neal, one more to Charlie Kirk, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. The conspiracy theorist had that thing halfway down and the rim spat it back out. Nobody ever warns you that the iron has a personality.

Shaquille O'Neal flies at a jump shooter thirty feet from the rim and lands on his hip. Three shots coming. Fourth personal on Shaquille O'Neal. The arena groans, the bench goes silent, and the other team just spotted daylight.

Cold blooded from New York Over-Timers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Shaquille O'Neal the moment he crosses half court. That is the shot chart lying to you. Shaquille O'Neal did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

More second chance points for New York Over-Timers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

OHHHH the hesi! Shaquille O'Neal froze him solid and he is already gone! Three shots for Shaquille O'Neal. Worst foul in the sport.

Ohhh no. Corner three, New York Over-Timers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Peter Dinklage holds it, waits, waits some more, then lets it go at the last possible instant to Pope Francis flying by. That is a half-second window and he threads it. Missed layup for the chemist and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel. Second-chance points are how you steal games on the road, and Shaquille O'Neal has now cleaned up four misses tonight. That is pure want-to: Shaquille O'Neal was the only man on the floor who decided that rebound belonged to him.

The whole second unit is on the floor before the ball is out of the net. Shaquille O'Neal disappears underneath them. Somewhere in the pile shoe comes off. Pope Francis is on the outside of it screaming straight up at the ceiling.

Under review. Shaquille O'Neal does not know yet whether he is the hero or the footnote. Cold, clinical, and correct. That monitor just took everything from Shaquille O'Neal.

Charlie Kirk unclasps his chain and squeezes it in his fist. Pope Francis runs a hand down his face. And here is the answer to our game show Fear Factor Free Throws! Charlene Bumgarner of Hushpuppy Ridge, New Hampshire, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many miles does a coach pace during a close game?' The answer was of course two point six miles, all of it inside a nine foot box. Charlene therefore wins a truck bed liner for a truck nobody in the family owns! Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

85-130 (L)

Dagger from Cleveland Twin-Towers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Shot clock violation! Peter Dinklage owns the nail, the middle is a no fly zone, and that possession just expired in their hands. Winning basketball right there: Peter Dinklage knocks the swing pass off course and that offense has to run it back from the top.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Cleveland Twin-Towers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

One hard jab step and Pope Francis is leaning the wrong way, and the drive goes right past his shoulder. Shaquille O'Neal goes fishing at the point of attack, the ball handler feels the hand on his elbow, and the arm goes straight up.

Pope Francis gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Peter Dinklage saw it a beat early. BAAAANG! Pope Francis sets the table and the pick-and-pop three goes down like somebody scripted it. POCKET PASS! Shaquille O'Neal threads it to Peter Dinklage between two bodies and the rim is wide open! OHHHHH POSTERIZED! Peter Dinklage just ENDED that defender at the rim!

Dunk so loud the backboard is still ringing when Peter Dinklage lands. He stares down the front row like they owe him money. A man in a five-thousand-dollar seat drops his drink. Charlie Kirk drags Peter Dinklage away by the jersey before it becomes an incident.

Halftime whistle. Peter Dinklage has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. True story: Peter Dinklage had his parking spot stolen by Cleveland Twin-Towers's mascot. Still talks about it. And now, our halftime TV game show Three in a Row Probably! To win a crock pot with the lid from a completely different crock pot, text HOOPS to 555-0607 and answer this question: 'What happens to the air inside a basketball left in a truck overnight?' We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Cleveland Twin-Towers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Peter Dinklage comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! So close. Peter Dinklage can only stare at the iron.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Cleveland Twin-Towers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

STOP AND GO! Shaquille O'Neal hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. OH NO. Shaquille O'Neal launched from WAY downtown and the closeout took his landing spot. Three free throws.

Filthy defense from Charlie Kirk. He never touched a thing and he still won the possession. Steal, sprint, slam. Charlie Kirk takes the Shaquille O'Neal feed and puts it down before anyone gets back.

Nobody told the chemist that a hot hand expires, and there he is launching from thirty feet with a defender draped all over him. Back to work.

Cold blooded from Cleveland Twin-Towers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

OHHHH this thing is out of control! Shaquille O'Neal will not let that rival star have the last word tonight!

You judge a locker room by moments like this. Pope Francis makes the play, and every man on that sideline erupts right along with him. Two on one the other way and that is a free deuce all day long... except Charlie Kirk says absolutely not.

Foul on the three-point shooter, and it is Shaquille O'Neal. The coach is off the bench with both arms out. You can watch the math happen on that sideline: Shaquille O'Neal has four, there are big minutes left, and somebody has to hold the fort.

Peter Dinklage sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. Pope Francis winces. And here is the answer to our game show Three in a Row Probably! Colleen Hackenberg of Rusty Nail, Pennsylvania, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What happens to the air inside a basketball left in a truck overnight?' The answer was of course it becomes a slightly smaller basketball, and everybody in the gym agrees to say nothing about it. Colleen therefore wins a crock pot with the lid from a completely different crock pot! Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

87-131 (L)

The referee tosses it high and Charlie Kirk rises late, which is exactly how you win one of these. Timing over height, every single time.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Boston Ring-Chasers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

That timeline has not moved all night, but Peter Dinklage keeps forgetting where they painted it. Second one of the quarter.

Ejection. Peter Dinklage is gone for his part in that scrum while the officials sort out who did what to whom.

More second chance points for Boston Ring-Chasers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Break! Shaquille O'Neal rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Anecdote: Shaquille O'Neal fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. And now, our halftime TV game show Whistle While You Guess! To win a five year supply of individually wrapped mints from a bank lobby, text HOOPS to 555-1291 and answer this question: 'How many times does a referee blink during a single overtime period?' We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.

Watch the spacing there, Shaquille O'Neal hits Pope Francis right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. The chemist just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. Up goes the shot from Pope Francis and that is nothing but AIR, and every soul in this building saw it happen.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Boston Ring-Chasers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

The film producer is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. OHHHH the hesi! Pope Francis froze him solid and he is already gone! The chemist launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

Bucket for Boston Ring-Chasers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Unsportsmanlike foul on the chemist. Two shots and the ball back, a steep price for a man who came here on his day off.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Shaquille O'Neal just did it by hitting Peter Dinklage on the back side with acres of room. Charlie Kirk just took a shoulder to the chest to buy Peter Dinklage half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the film producer, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

STONEWALLED! Charlie Kirk holds his ground and the big man gives it right back up. Rebound to fast break in one motion, courtesy of the conspiracy theorist. That is not a hobby, that is a skill set. Somewhere a defender is explaining to his family why the chemist is going to be on the front page tomorrow morning.

Pope Francis slides on his knees down the free throw lane, arms wide, and ends up flat on his back watching his own replay on the video board. He points at himself on the screen. The officials have stopped pretending to have any control here.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Pope Francis has known that all night long. Unselfish basketball. Charlie Kirk passes up a good shot and hands Shaquille O'Neal a GREAT one. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Shaquille O'Neal rose up over the help and hammered it down on somebody's head!

Salute: sharp, military, held. Shaquille O'Neal delivers it toward the loudest corner of the building and does not drop his hand until the noise starts to hurt. Peter Dinklage snaps to attention beside him and the bench follows. Twelve saluting maniacs and a coach with his head in his hands.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Boston Ring-Chasers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Give the man credit for the effort, because Shaquille O'Neal contested that from three feet behind, which is technically a contest. Arm across the body, whistle, dead ball. Reach on Charlie Kirk.

Pope Francis takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. Shaquille O'Neal follows the same path. And here is the answer to our game show Whistle While You Guess! Wilma Jean Puckett of Sorghum Switch, Kansas, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many times does a referee blink during a single overtime period?' The answer was of course exactly 1,412 times, and 1,413 if the arena air conditioning is broken. Wilma Jean therefore wins a five year supply of individually wrapped mints from a bank lobby! Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

83-117 (L)

Cold blooded from San Antonio Skyscrapers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

The film producer is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. OHHHH the pocket pass! Charlie Kirk splits the coverage and the roll man is loose under the basket! Court vision like that on the film producer is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. The chemist just spun through two defenders and reversed that in. Nothing about this is a normal Tuesday!

Pope Francis does the bit whole team practiced in the hotel: a slow-motion handshake with Peter Dinklage that goes on far too long, sound effects included. Six full seconds. The referee stands there holding the ball. Neither man breaks character.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for San Antonio Skyscrapers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Lazy one-hander from Shaquille O'Neal through the middle of the floor, and the defender did not even have to leave his feet to take it.

San Antonio Skyscrapers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Halftime. Peter Dinklage's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Word is Peter Dinklage sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. And now, our halftime TV game show Match Game Winding Down! To win a souvenir shot glass from a state park with no water in it, text HOOPS to 555-0509 and answer this question: 'Which came first, the backboard or the regret?' Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.

Three guys in warmups are halfway onto the floor celebrating what Shaquille O'Neal just did, and an official has to wave them back to their seats. OHHHH, Pope Francis just took that thing right out of his hands!

Dribble alive, patient, patient, and then Peter Dinklage slips it to Shaquille O'Neal right in the pocket. Surgical. That is twice tonight Shaquille O'Neal has tried to create with the dribble already dead, and this league does not reward that.

More second chance points for San Antonio Skyscrapers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Cut, screen, relocate, and there is Shaquille O'Neal wide open in the corner. Nobody on that defense read one page of it.

Shaquille O'Neal does the bit whole team practiced in the hotel: a slow-motion handshake with Charlie Kirk that goes on far too long, sound effects included. Six full seconds. The referee stands there holding the ball. Neither man breaks character.

The defender crowded the middle, and Shaquille O'Neal punished him along the baseline like it was drawn up in the huddle. Shaquille O'Neal rises, the big man rises higher, and the shot is stuffed into the second row. Return to sender.

Dagger from San Antonio Skyscrapers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

SKIP PASS! Peter Dinklage fires it cross court to Pope Francis and the defense is dead in the water! Pope Francis gives it up to Shaquille O'Neal on the move, the built-in screen erases the chase, and there is a clean runway to the rim. Down, up, and gone for Shaquille O'Neal. The rim is just toying with him now.

The conspiracy theorist grabbed a full handful of jersey and the crew counted every finger. He does not get away with that at work either.

That crossover was not about getting a shot up. Peter Dinklage pulled it out to tell everybody in the gym whose possession this is. A cruel spin-out for the film producer, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

Oh, Pope Francis wanted to be heard. Congratulations, he was heard. Free throw the other way. There it is! Second technical on Pope Francis, automatic ejection, his night is OVER.

Peter Dinklage walks toward the tunnel without a word. Shaquille O'Neal stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. And here is the answer to our game show Match Game Winding Down! Georgette Blalock of Little Persimmon, North Carolina, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Which came first, the backboard or the regret?' The answer was of course the regret, by about eleven minutes. Georgette therefore wins a souvenir shot glass from a state park with no water in it! My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

82-126 (L)

Dagger from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Ten to nothing. Pope Francis is COOKING and there is not one answer on that other bench. The opposing coach is off his seat waving both arms before the ball is even inbounded. Pope Francis forced that.

Push the pace! Peter Dinklage grabs it and hits Shaquille O'Neal in stride before the defense can even match up. Nobody is getting a hand near that. Shaquille O'Neal has all the room in the world. Third one of these from Shaquille O'Neal this quarter, third time the arc is wrong. The lane is not open real estate anymore.

Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

You can teach a lot of things at this level, but not lateral quickness. Peter Dinklage is doing a fine traffic cone impression. Peter Dinklage rides the ball handler all the way up the floor and finally puts a forearm in his back. Officials blow it dead.

Break! Charlie Kirk heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Anecdote of the day: Charlie Kirk forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. And now, our halftime TV game show Win Lose or Draw a Foul! To win a decorative plate commemorating the wedding of two strangers, text HOOPS to 555-0759 and answer this question: 'What is the exact temperature of a gym with one working fan?' The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.

Peter Dinklage launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Hard drive, hard stop, and Shaquille O'Neal retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. Shaquille O'Neal probes to the right, pulls the string, and rises over a helpless closeout from twenty six feet. Splash.

Shaquille O'Neal does the bit whole team practiced in the hotel: a slow-motion handshake with Pope Francis that goes on far too long, sound effects included. Six full seconds. The referee stands there holding the ball. Neither man breaks character.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Here comes Shaquille O'Neal sprinting off the elbow. Peter Dinklage slides it into his pocket and that chase defender is buried. Wide open at the top of the key and Shaquille O'Neal cannot make it count, the defense secures the board and takes off in transition. Another extra possession courtesy of the chemist, a man who evidently boxes out at work too. Some habits do not clock out. Second chance points for Pope Francis, tipping his own miss straight back in before his feet ever touched the floor.

Pope Francis cups a hand to his ear and turns a slow full circle, milking every section. The upper deck answers louder than the lower bowl, so he points up there and nods. Shaquille O'Neal joins the spin. Forty seconds of noise before anybody inbounds the ball.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Cross court, on a rope, from the chemist. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. The conspiracy theorist just ran that two-man game like he has a decade of film on it. Somebody get this man a contract. Peter Dinklage rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

Rejected by the scheme, not the athlete. Pope Francis was simply standing exactly where the offense wanted to be. Pope Francis goes up with the hands to the ceiling and the shot comes off the front rim. Textbook verticality.

Watch the sell from Shaquille O'Neal here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. Third look from distance for Shaquille O'Neal tonight and the arc keeps flattening out, tired legs writing checks the jumper cannot cash.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Third reach charged to Charlie Kirk. At some point the officials stop giving you the benefit of the doubt, and that point was two whistles ago.

Pope Francis hacks the arm on purpose, then throws both hands up like he has never touched a soul in his life. Nobody is buying it.

Charlie Kirk presses his forehead against the tunnel glass. Pope Francis walks right past without noticing. And here is the answer to our game show Win Lose or Draw a Foul! Elmer Sizemore of Wet Sock, Louisiana, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the exact temperature of a gym with one working fan?' The answer was of course ninety four degrees near the fan and ninety six everywhere else. Elmer therefore wins a decorative plate commemorating the wedding of two strangers! My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.