67 — football_team 🇬🇧

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

2-2 (L)

Lionel Messi plays the give-and-go with Myriam Bregman, the combination is measured to the millimetre. The defensive block is pierced. GOOOOOAL! Lionel Messi lets his technique do the talking, he curls it on the pass from Myriam Bregman and the ball nestles in the corner!

Lionel Messi mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Arnold Schwarzenegger plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. CaseOh plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

Superb diagonal from the chocolatier to Lionel Messi, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. Floated cross from Lionel Messi off the right, Arnold Schwarzenegger has stationed himself on the penalty spot. Anything is possible. CATASTROPHIC own goal from Arnold Schwarzenegger! Nooooo! He gets the faintest of touches trying to anticipate Myriam Bregman and the ball goes through his keeper's legs. This is CRUEL, this is SICKENING, this is a NIGHTMARE.

Willy Wonka falls to his knees in front of the family section, eyes shut, hands pressed together to the sky. Three seconds of silence in the stadium. Then Sean Combs arrives and screams in his ear, and the whole thing explodes. Goosebumps.

GOAL for Paris Saint-Glinglin! A sucker punch on the counter. We committed too many forward.

Corner from Lionel Messi into the danger area but a defender heads it away, dealt with. Interception from Willy Wonka right through the middle, he anticipated the switch of play and placed himself right in the passing lane. Pure intelligence. Change of flanks from Willy Wonka, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Lionel Messi. Lionel Messi reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle.

Solo charge from Davo Xeneise, he sets off from his own box and carries the ball the full length of the field. Absolutely appalling challenge from Davo Xeneise on the attacker. The stadium erupts in anger. Davo Xeneise goes into the book for endangering the opponent. Reckless and unnecessary. Free kick from Davo Xeneise but the wall holds firm. No danger for the keeper.

The dressing room is silent apart from the fizz of isotonic drinks being opened and the squeak of boots on tiles. Sean Combs is biting {his} nails in the corner. Will Smith stares at the ceiling like it holds the answers to everything. The gaffer lets the silence do its work before delivering his half-time talk. Myriam Bregman has worn the same pair of lucky pants for every match since 2021. At 54, the 180-tall star insists they've been washed but teammates remain unconvinced, describing the aroma as 'motivational.' And now, our TV game show Dragon's Den of Iniquity! To win a genuine Peter Jones raised eyebrow, text 5123 and answer: 'For that reason, how many dragons are typically out?' And the second half is go! Gastón Edul charges forward from kick-off like a man possessed. The gaffer watches from the technical area, arms folded. Let us see what happens.

Intense pressing from the philanthropist, he wins the ball in the opposition half. When you have that engine in that role, you suffocate any team. The philanthropist cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for Will Smith. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat. Underhit ball from Will Smith, the pass is too soft and an opponent nicks it. The american football player intercepts the pass with textbook reading of the game. In that position, it is that intelligence that separates a good player from a great one. The american football player hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did.

Short restart from the digital transformation consultant to Gastón Edul, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Gastón Edul picks out Will Smith with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Will Smith tries to pick out Lionel Messi on the flank but the pass is straight at a defender. Missed.

GOAL! Paris Saint-Glinglin are celebrating! Their attacker made it look far too easy.

Will Smith cuts out the opposition's build-up with a perfectly timed interception. The kind of player who plays chess while everyone else plays draughts. Will Smith clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. CaseOh fires it out quickly by hand to Arnold Schwarzenegger, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart. Lightning overlap from Arnold Schwarzenegger, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides.

Will Smith with a last-gasp tackle that saves the day! Gets everything on the ball and nothing on the man. Heroic stuff. Will Smith clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football.

Ruthless press, the opposition can't hold the ball for two seconds. Arnold Schwarzenegger senses the pass coming and cuts the trajectory. The opponent is dispossessed without even being touched. That is football at its beautiful best. Arnold Schwarzenegger looks up and launches a long pass towards Patrick Mahomes. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Patrick Mahomes with the last-ditch tackle, gets every bit of the ball and none of the man. The ref's happy, we're happy.

Willy Wonka opts for the short pass to Will Smith instead of shooting, catches everyone by surprise. Will Smith sends in a classic cross, it arrives on Charlie Kirk in the thick of it. CaseOh leaps, catches, lands. All flowing, all controlled. The keeper is in AUTHORITY mode.

1-1. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Gastón Edul are the last two off the pitch, as ever. The stadium is nearly empty, a groundsman is starting to fold up the advertising boards. "Next time," says Arnold Schwarzenegger. "Next time," replies Gastón Edul. And they vanish into the tunnel. Janice from Bristol says typically all five dragons are out but they wish you the very best of luck. Raised eyebrow for Janice! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

2-3 (L)

The journalist positions himself in the passing lane and intercepts the ball. In that role, reading the game is the invisible weapon, and he has just pulled it out at the perfect moment. Through ball from the journalist for Sean Combs, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite. GOOOOOAL! Sean Combs was THERE where he needed to be, he toes the ball into the empty net. What a fox!

Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. Pass into space from Arnold Schwarzenegger for Lionel Messi, played ahead of the pack. Anticipation makes the difference. Lionel Messi aims and places it BEAUTIFULLY! Curled strike, the ball brushes the post and rocks the net!

CaseOh catapults the ball towards Sean Combs from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. Lazy pass from Sean Combs, the ball drags along the ground and an opponent strolls over to collect.

It's a goal! México No-Era-Penal go ahead! The ball was drilled low and hard into the corner.

Knee slide for twenty yards, CaseOh arms outstretched like a crucifix, face buried in the wet turf. Sean Combs slides in alongside, they both crash into the hoardings. Wonderwall starts up from the stands, fifty thousand voices, goosebumps territory.

Patrick Mahomes lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war. Lionel Messi jumps but cannot match the height of his marker, duel lost. The opponent had an extra floor on him. Aerial claim from the digital transformation consultant, ball in the gloves. When your keeper comes out like that, you know you can defend high without fear. Long ball from CaseOh for Myriam Bregman who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy. Aerial duel won by the lawyer, he crushes it in the air. When you have that leap in that role, you rule your box.

The dressing room feels like a funeral parlour. Grey faces, hollow eyes, shoulders slumped. Will Smith has not moved since sitting down. Myriam Bregman is muttering to {himself} in the corner. The gaffer lets the weight of the scoreline crush them for a full minute before speaking: "Are you done feeling sorry for yourselves? Good. Because I am not done with this match." Reports suggest that Will Smith once drove forty-five minutes in the wrong direction because he refused to use a sat-nav. Said it was 'cheating.' Eventually stopped at a Little Chef that had been closed since 2012. The man is 58 and proud of it. And now, our TV game show The Repair Shop of Dreams! To win a broken clock that someone might fix eventually, text 4890 and answer: 'How long does a British person keep a broken appliance before admitting it needs replacing?' The PA announces the restart and the stadium comes alive. Myriam Bregman is already in position, feet planted, shoulders square. Locked and loaded.

Myriam Bregman opens up to Sean Combs on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. The journalist finds the gap that nobody else saw and puts Will Smith clean through. Pure genius from that position. Overlap from Will Smith on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed.

Oh that's poor! México No-Era-Penal score from a set piece. We switched off completely.

Double backflip off the penalty spot from CaseOh. Myriam Bregman is on his knees clapping, CaseOh is screaming 'ARE YOU MENTAL?!' from forty yards away. The home end gets to their feet, flags flapping, scarves overhead. Raw.

The conspiracy theorist lays it off first time to Arnold Schwarzenegger, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Shot from the film producer, wide! Not far from the woodwork though. In that role, full credit for trying, that was genuinely close. The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. Raking ball from the philanthropist to Willy Wonka, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job.

GOAAAL! México No-Era-Penal make no mistake! The defence parted like the Red Sea.

CaseOh sprints the full length of the pitch from his six-yard box to join the pile-up. The bundle forms on CaseOh, you can't see him under the pile, just studs sticking out. All four subs have invaded the pitch. The ref has given up blowing his whistle.

Myriam Bregman puts it right into the feet of Lionel Messi, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Perfect cut-back from Lionel Messi, Charlie Kirk receives it on the deck in acres of space. Dream scenario. Oh no Charlie Kirk! Served on a plate by Willy Wonka, all alone with an open goal, and he fires wide! A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent.

The chocolatier opens up to Patrick Mahomes on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. What a block! Patrick Mahomes slides in with impeccable timing and takes the ball away. That's defending at its finest. Rapid combination: Patrick Mahomes to Charlie Kirk, the ball barely touches the grass between them. The conspiracy theorist reads the movement before anyone else and puts Patrick Mahomes into space. In that position, that is the kind of pass that changes a game. The assistant flags Patrick Mahomes offside, it's a matter of inches! Charlie Kirk kicks the turf in frustration.

Charlie Kirk and Sean Combs find each other blindfolded, instant one-two, the channel is open. Charlie Kirk reaches the byline and pulls it back for Willy Wonka, the low ball fizzes through the area. CaseOh blocks the shot with an authoritative hand! No goal, the keeper is watching everything. The digital transformation consultant finds Myriam Bregman with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Myriam Bregman looks for Will Smith but the pass is way too long, that is going out for a throw-in.

The digital transformation consultant throws it out to Lionel Messi, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Decisive glance from Lionel Messi who spots the pass leaving the boot and throws himself into the trajectory. What a lifesaving interception. Lionel Messi lays it off first time to Davo Xeneise, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely.

Charlie Kirk sits in the dugout after everyone's gone inside, watching the empty pitch. Willy Wonka reappears with two cups of tea. They sit in silence, sipping, staring at the grass. "Same again Tuesday?" asks Willy Wonka. Charlie Kirk almost smiles. Almost. Football goes on. Brenda from Northampton says at least six years and then you keep it in the garage for another four just in case. Broken clock for Brenda! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

2-2 (L)

You can feel it coming any second, the stadium holds its breath. Crowd going mental, CaseOh arriving in the area, this could be huge. The philanthropist rises and plants his header on the cross from Willy Wonka! In that position, that heading game is what justifies your presence in the box. GOAL!

Final knee slide with controlled drift. CaseOh ends up against the hoardings in a fallen angel pose. Patrick Mahomes leaps over him. CaseOh walks over, shakes his head like an exasperated dad. Stadium oscillating. Pure madness.

Neat one-two between Will Smith and Myriam Bregman, simple, beautiful, and above all effective. What FINESSE on the strike from Will Smith! On the cross from Lionel Messi, he caresses the ball and it is in the corner!

CaseOh plays it short to Arnold Schwarzenegger, building out from the back. Calculated risk. The film producer shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Will Smith. Pure quality, as per usual. The philanthropist finds Gastón Edul along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Wicked through ball from Gastón Edul, the ball skims the grass and finds Lionel Messi who had set off before anyone else even noticed.

Defensive organization is perfect, the opposition hits a brick wall. What a recovery from the film producer! Sprints like a madman to get back and cover. When you've got a player like that, you know the team will never quit. Absolutely immense from Arnold Schwarzenegger! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back. Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality.

Unbelievable! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score from nowhere. Their striker just smashed it in.

CaseOh kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Will Smith takes a knee behind him. CaseOh raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Nobody is talking but everyone is thinking. Will Smith reties {his} laces for the fourth time. Davo Xeneise cracks {his} neck left, then right. The scoreline is level and the anxiety is palpable. The gaffer finally speaks: "Fifteen minutes. Give me fifteen minutes of proper intensity at the start of the second half and we win this." Club sources confirm Will Smith has a standing order at the local chippy for a large cod, chips, curry sauce, and a pickled egg every Friday without exception. At 58, the 188-tall star calls it 'essential recovery nutrition.' And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 1066 and answer this question: 'What colour is a transparent roundabout?' Forty-five minutes left on the clock. CaseOh knows it, the fans know it, even the bloke selling pies behind the away end knows it. This is where it matters.

The corner from Lionel Messi finds Sean Combs who heads it, goes over the bar. Missed chance. The chocolatier launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. Looks like a training session, soft and completely predictable. Charlie Kirk shifts it to Lionel Messi with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. One touch football: Lionel Messi to Gastón Edul, faster than the opposition can think.

No runs in behind, no penetration, just ball retention for its own sake. Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. Charlie Kirk triggers a change of flanks for Lionel Messi, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads.

Oh dear oh dear! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score and the dugout is fuming. Rightly so.

Final knee slide with controlled drift. CaseOh ends up against the hoardings in a fallen angel pose. Gastón Edul leaps over him. CaseOh walks over, shakes his head like an exasperated dad. Stadium oscillating. Pure madness.

Ripping counter-attack, the through ball has sliced the back four open. Sean Combs pierces the backline with a low through ball, Willy Wonka latches onto it at full tilt. Magnificent. Willy Wonka puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins. Lob from Willy Wonka over the entire defence, Lionel Messi is alone at the far side. Just needs to finish. OHHH the header from Lionel Messi! It goes just right of the post, the keeper was beaten!

The corner from Myriam Bregman is headed away by the defence at the near post. Monster clearance from Davo Xeneise! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions.

CaseOh smashes a volley towards Sean Combs, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Sean Combs cleans up with a magnificent sliding tackle, wins possession, and plays it forward. That's the complete defensive action. Possession flipped in a heartbeat, textbook transition football. The conspiracy theorist spots the run and threads a beauty in behind the defence for Will Smith. That is exactly why he is out there. That's a beauty from Will Smith! Slides across the turf and takes the ball off the attacker's boot. Clinical defending.

Raid from Charlie Kirk starting in his own half, he eats up the pitch and arrives in front of goal. Moment of madness. The conspiracy theorist winds up and fires, wide but close. In that position, keep pulling the trigger, the goal is coming. Surface-level dominance, not one incisive moment.

1-1 and off we go. Charlie Kirk hands his shirt to a kid in the front row, the smile comes back a little. Arnold Schwarzenegger does the same few metres down the line. Not a win, but not a shame either. And the kids couldn't care less — they got a shirt. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Trevor Mildew-Parsnip, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What colour is a transparent roundabout?'. The answer was of course a sort of disappointed beige. Trevor wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

1-1 (L)

Body feint from the conspiracy theorist, the defender is eliminated. When you have got that technique in that role, you cause carnage. The referee does NOT hesitate: penalty! Charlie Kirk has been clattered in the box by the defender. The moment is GIGANTIC, everything hinges on this decision! The conspiracy theorist converts with class! In that position, not flinching on a penalty is what separates the good players from the DECISIVE ones. GOAL!

Charlie Kirk scans the family section, finds them, blows kisses with both hands. His kids are crying on their mum's shoulder. Lionel Messi is already there for the instagram shot. Scenes that make you remember why you fell for this game.

Lionel Messi sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Willy Wonka. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. Willy Wonka wants to play it quick but the pass to Charlie Kirk is wayward, lacking any precision. Myriam Bregman goes to ground and absolutely nails the tackle. Ball won, danger cleared, crowd on their feet. Transition play at its ruthless best, straight through the heart of the defence.

Lionel Messi launches it to Arnold Schwarzenegger on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Crucial intervention from the film producer, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on. Arnold Schwarzenegger feeds Lionel Messi in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Lionel Messi overlaps on the wing with frightening ease, the defender is made to look silly. Lionel Messi whips in a cross at head height, Myriam Bregman anticipates and gets ahead of his marker.

Brilliant opening from Sean Combs for Patrick Mahomes, frees up the entire left flank. The american football player thought he'd scored from Arnold Schwarzenegger's pass but the flag is up! In that position, timing your run is everything. Clearance from the digital transformation consultant towards Gastón Edul, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too.

Brilliant interception from Will Smith, he read the passer's intention before the ball even left his foot. Firm pass from Will Smith into Lionel Messi, right into the boots. No waste. Lionel Messi sends Patrick Mahomes into space with a pass weighted to the centimetre. The fullback is nowhere. The american football player gets to the byline and floats one in for Lionel Messi. Crossing is his bread and butter. Lionel Messi is eaten alive in the air by the attacker, the duel is lost beyond any doubt. Pure power won the day.

Nobody is talking but everyone is thinking. Arnold Schwarzenegger reties {his} laces for the fourth time. CaseOh cracks {his} neck left, then right. The scoreline is level and the anxiety is palpable. The gaffer finally speaks: "Fifteen minutes. Give me fifteen minutes of proper intensity at the start of the second half and we win this." CaseOh holds the dressing room record for keeping a Fruit Pastille in the mouth without chewing for 47 minutes. At 28, the achievement is engraved on a plaque above the physio's door. And now, our TV game show Bargain Blitz! To win a lifetime supply of Marmite, text 0800TOAST and answer: 'How many jars of Marmite does it take to fill the Channel Tunnel?' Back on the pitch and Charlie Kirk is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

Willy Wonka decides to do it all himself, he eats up the ground and wipes out everything in his path. Willy Wonka spreads the play and finds Davo Xeneise in a motorway on the left flank. The defence is stretched thin. Davo Xeneise just tips offside on the pass from Arnold Schwarzenegger, the linesman doesn't hesitate. Harsh! Short distribution from CaseOh to Myriam Bregman, circulating at the back, the press is beaten.

Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal. Davo Xeneise puts Willy Wonka in on a plate with a clean pass into space. Not a defender within five yards.

And that's a goal! Dakar Teranga FC extend their lead. We are in deep trouble here.

CaseOh dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

Emergency clearance from Gastón Edul, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe. The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. They're cranking it up a gear, the pressure is well and truly on. Inch-perfect cross from Willy Wonka, the ball clips just over the keeper's hands and finds Patrick Mahomes at the back post.

What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. Davo Xeneise finds the gap and serves Lionel Messi in behind the last man. That is three-cushion snooker, that is. OH COME ON! Lionel Messi is offside by a fraction, Davo Xeneise's through ball was absolutely perfect.

Magnificent tackle from Will Smith! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Rapid turnover and they're bearing down on goal, heart-in-mouth stuff. GO ON Charlie Kirk! He SHOOOOOTS, it's on target but the keeper punches it clear with both fists! Charlie Kirk whips the inswinging corner in but a defender cuts out the cross at the front post.

Level. CaseOh picks up his captain's armband from where he'd dropped it mid-match and tucks it carefully into his kitbag. Arnold Schwarzenegger waits by the door. "Right. Shall we?" "Let's." Nothing more. Some nights the words aren't needed. Mrs. Brenda Thistlethwaite from Wolverhampton says forty-seven thousand, and frankly we couldn't be bothered to check, so she wins the Marmite! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

2-2 (L)

Catastrophe from the digital transformation consultant! In that position, you are the last line of defence, and right there he turned an easy ball into a chance for the opposition. Disgraceful. The film producer pops up in the right place on the cross from Myriam Bregman! In that position, that kind of presence in the box is what turns you into a goalscorer. GOAL!

Willy Wonka sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. The referee POINTS to the penalty spot! Willy Wonka has been clipped at the feet inside the box. No argument, it is a penalty! The stadium is holding its collective BREATH! Willy Wonka does not tremble for a second on this penalty! Crisp strike, the ball hits the back of the net. GOAL, EXECUTIONER!

Classy interception from Patrick Mahomes, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time. Cracking counter, they've knifed through the middle at full tilt. The chocolatier overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon. Big strike from the chocolatier, on target but saved. In that role, when you've got that kind of foot on you, you're dangerous at all times.

The lawyer goes to ground but the attacker just breezes past. In that position, you've got to stay on your feet longer before committing. Fingertip save from the digital transformation consultant over the bar! When you have a keeper capable of that, your team breathes easier. The corner from the conspiracy theorist is cleared with ease. In that position, when the defence keeps heading it away, it is time to change the game plan on corners.

Disaster! Douala Makossa-Corner score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

CaseOh fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. Myriam Bregman plays the medic running in. CaseOh plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

The gaffer pulls up Douala Makossa-Corner's shape on the screen: "See how high their line is? One ball over the top and we are in. Charlie Kirk, you have the pace. CaseOh, you have the vision. Put it together and we are laughing." It sounds simple. Football always sounds simple at halftime. Doing it is the hard part. Myriam Bregman's car broke down on the M25 twenty minutes before a cup final, and the 54-year-old hitchhiked with a plumber called Keith from Watford. Both made it in time — Keith got a free programme. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 6767 and answer this question: 'What is the collective noun for a group of caravans blocking a road?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Sean Combs is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Arnold Schwarzenegger throws himself into the tackle and comes out with the ball. That's pure desire, that is. Big clearance from Arnold Schwarzenegger under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line. Aerial duel lost by the american football player, outmuscled by the attacker. It happens to the best, but in that role you need to bounce back fast. Willy Wonka connects with his forehead but it sails into the sky. The technique was there, the aim was not.

Lionel Messi drives down the flank and puts in an inswinging cross, the ball curves away from the defence and reaches Myriam Bregman. Cross blocked from the lawyer by the defence. The defender anticipated it, that is the eternal battle between the flank and the back line. Davo Xeneise puts his corner into the box but the defence is solid, cleared away. Decisive interception from Gastón Edul who cuts out the opposition's attempt to build from the back. The ball was meant for a striker on the run, but Gastón Edul saw it all. Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post.

Wing switch from Sean Combs, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Willy Wonka brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Willy Wonka tries a crossfield ball to Lionel Messi but it is miles too long, the ball sails out. Nothing to salvage. The philanthropist trips the opponent to halt the break. Comes with the territory in that position, sometimes you just have to foul. Will Smith picks up a deserved yellow, the elbow in the aerial duel was spotted.

GOAAAL for Douala Makossa-Corner! What a howler at the back, that's been gifted to them.

CaseOh dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

Lionel Messi floats his free kick into the area, Charlie Kirk is there for the header. The conspiracy theorist dominates his marker in the air with insulting ease. That kind of aerial mastery in that position makes a team unbeatable from set pieces. Smooth transition from Charlie Kirk to Will Smith, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Will Smith puts hellish pressure on the opposition build-up and forces the turnover. That is what high pressing looks like.

Lionel Messi whips the ball into the box from the free kick, Arnold Schwarzenegger throws himself at it for a header. The film producer tries to cross but it is blocked. In that position, you know not every ball is getting through. Corner swung in by Davo Xeneise, a defender rises above everyone and heads it clear.

Arnold Schwarzenegger dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution. Short pass from the film producer to Myriam Bregman, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Myriam Bregman spots Arnold Schwarzenegger peeling off and sends a ball in behind the full-back. The space is massive.

A draw. Will Smith claps the home end with tired hands, disappointment showing but not overflowing. Patrick Mahomes tucks his shirt back in, legs heavy as lead. The gaffer meets them with a shrug. "We take it. We move on." And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Valerie Dampsworth, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the collective noun for a group of caravans blocking a road?'. The answer was of course a Frustration of Caravans, not to be confused with a Despair of Tractors. Valerie wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

1-2 (L)

Players diving for every ball, even the lost causes. Good cross from the chocolatier for Gastón Edul in the area. The bare minimum for a wide player, but done with surgical quality. GOOOAL from the journalist with his head! In that position, knowing how to assert yourself in the air like that is what makes you indispensable.

The digital transformation consultant goes long for Gastón Edul, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Gorgeous crossfield ball from Gastón Edul to Myriam Bregman, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow. Myriam Bregman slips Davo Xeneise in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Quick dribble from Davo Xeneise, one touch, one turn, and the defender is eliminated.

They're knocking it about without finding any way through, plenty of possession but nothing to show for it. The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. Davo Xeneise rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Charlie Kirk. The far side is completely deserted.

Brilliant tackle from Will Smith! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending. Good ball from the philanthropist to Davo Xeneise, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Davo Xeneise accelerates and burns past his man on the wing, nobody can keep up! Davo Xeneise gives it to Charlie Kirk into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision.

What a mess! Lagos No-Carry-Last capitalise on that blunder. We are our own worst enemy.

Raw emotion: CaseOh cracks, falls to his knees sobbing on the turf, Gastón Edul crouches beside him and speaks softly. CaseOh jogs over, scoops them both into a hug. The cameras zoom on the trio. Full-on humanity on display.

The keeper slams {his} gloves against the wall: "I cannot do it all on my own! Where is the protection?!" Charlie Kirk takes the hit without responding. Arnold Schwarzenegger drops {his} head. The gaffer intervenes: "Nobody is pointing fingers. We are ALL in this mess together. Now we get ourselves out of it. Together." Now Sean Combs has a rather unusual pre-match ritual — he has to watch a full episode of EastEnders before kickoff. If Phil Mitchell isn't in the episode, he considers it a bad omen. He's 57 years old and still won't grow out of it. And now, our TV game show Grand Designs Over Budget! To win a bag of cement and an architect's apology, text 5234 and answer: 'By what percentage does a Grand Designs project typically exceed its budget?' The whistle goes and twenty-two players get back to it. Charlie Kirk claps {his} hands three times, {his} little pre-half ritual. Here we go.

They've got the ball but it's troubling absolutely nobody. Lionel Messi attempts a cross but it is badly weighted, the keeper claims with no pressure. Lovely take from CaseOh! He comes off his line and claims the cross, clean as a whistle. The conspiracy theorist plays it simple to Will Smith, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

CaseOh sparks the transition with a quick throw to Davo Xeneise, the break is lightning fast. Davo Xeneise swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Arnold Schwarzenegger, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Arnold Schwarzenegger links up with Gastón Edul, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Gastón Edul sends in a curling delivery, Lionel Messi peels off the back of his marker and finds space.

Massive clearance from the american football player under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. Diagonal from Sean Combs to Lionel Messi, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Overlap from Lionel Messi on the left, he bombs towards the byline at full tilt. Lionel Messi completely miscues his cross, the ball ends up in the stands. Not his night. Quick throw from CaseOh to Willy Wonka out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go.

The corner from Lionel Messi is well dealt with by the defence, cleared without any fuss. Willy Wonka spots Charlie Kirk in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness. The conspiracy theorist lays it off first time to Davo Xeneise, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. The overlap from Davo Xeneise, he leaves the opposing full-back for dead.

They've nicked a goal! Lagos No-Carry-Last catch us cold on the break.

Chipped cross from Lionel Messi over the defensive wall, Gastón Edul collects it behind the back line. Acrobatic attempt from Gastón Edul! The technique is wild but the ball doesn't cooperate, flies wide. A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is first into the dressing room, boots off before the door even shuts. He sits in front of his locker and doesn't move for five solid minutes. Patrick Mahomes sits three spaces down, equally silent. The manager lets the quiet do the talking before his debrief. Clive from Oxfordshire says three hundred percent over budget and the glass staircase alone cost more than the original house. Bag of cement for Clive! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

1-2 (L)

Lionel Messi drops the ball in from the free kick, Gastón Edul arrives at the near post. CATASTROPHE for the journalist, own goal! In that position, when you are badly positioned on a cross like that, disaster is always lurking. And right there, the WORST possible scenario becomes reality. Ball in his own net.

Lovely anticipation from the philanthropist who cuts out the opposition pass. In his position, that kind of interception is worth as much as a goal. Will Smith sends Sean Combs into acres of space with a clipped ball over the top. The defence turns, but it is way too late. Acceleration from Sean Combs down the side, he takes the space behind the full-back. It is a motorway. Pinpoint delivery from the philanthropist towards Arnold Schwarzenegger, the ball lands on a sixpence. In that position, crosses are half the job. CaseOh rises higher than anyone and gathers with both hands. Masterful.

It's hit the back of the net! Barranquilla Toque-Toque lead and we look completely lost.

Lovely use of the ball by Gastón Edul, finding Charlie Kirk in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Shot blocked from the conspiracy theorist! In that role, frustrating one, the strike was good but the defender threw himself in front of it. The corner from Will Smith is claimed by a defender at the near post, nothing comes of it. Authoritative clearance from Will Smith in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards.

Oh that's heartbreaking! Barranquilla Toque-Toque score right on the stroke of half-time.

CaseOh slides onto his belly right in front of a pitchside photographer and gives him a thumbs up. The bloke takes the most cinematic photo of his career. Arnold Schwarzenegger photobombs from behind. Front pages tomorrow.

The gaffer rips up his notes and throws them in the bin. "Everything we worked on this week, in the bin. Because you lot clearly were not listening." He turns to Myriam Bregman: "180 cm tall and you have not won a single header. 54 years old and playing like you have never seen a football before. Wake up!" Despite the wages, Patrick Mahomes insists on a yearly caravan holiday in Skegness with the extended family. At 31 and 190, the lad folding into a caravan shower is described by teammates as 'physically heroic.' And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 8811 and answer this question: 'What is the shelf life of a broken promise in Scunthorpe?' The tunnel spits the players back onto the pitch one by one. CaseOh comes out with that walk. You know the one. Shoulders back, chest out. Something has clicked.

Sean Combs sends an aerial beauty to Arnold Schwarzenegger, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile. Superb defensive work from Arnold Schwarzenegger there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! Lay-off from Arnold Schwarzenegger to Lionel Messi, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Ball into space from Lionel Messi, Patrick Mahomes just has to run onto it and collect. Simple and genius. The linesman's flag goes up for Patrick Mahomes, offside by centimetres! Sean Combs wanted that one badly.

The team is building serious momentum, chances are starting to flow. Swarming press, the opposition doesn't know which way to turn. Arnold Schwarzenegger produces a sensational tackle in the box, wins the ball, no penalty shout. That takes serious courage. Arnold Schwarzenegger launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty.

Charlie Kirk slides a beauty through the gap, Sean Combs is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. What a rush out from CaseOh! He narrows the angle and smothers the shot at the feet. Beautiful distribution from CaseOh to Myriam Bregman, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder.

Counters flying in both directions, both keepers on red alert. Counter perfect until the last yard when everything goes haywire. Ball into space from the philanthropist for Will Smith, the channel is wide open. When you have got that kind of vision, you cause damage.

Gastón Edul reads the game like nobody else, he cuts out the cross-field pass and launches a counter immediately. Win the ball, punch forward, the transition is electric! Sean Combs charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible. SHOOOOOT from Sean Combs, it's heading for the corner but the keeper gets across and tips it wide!

Myriam Bregman sends the corner into the heart of the box but a defender wins the aerial duel and heads clear. Willy Wonka launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out. CaseOh goes long for Patrick Mahomes, the ball flies straight into the opposition half.

Emergency clearance from the philanthropist, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play. Lionel Messi pings a ridiculous diagonal to Patrick Mahomes. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. The american football player whips in a classic cross for Will Smith in the box. When you have got that delivery from the flank, you cause havoc. The opponent gets the better of the philanthropist in the header. In his role, that is the kind of situation where concentration must be at its peak. What a claim from CaseOh! He gathers the ball in both hands above the heads of the attackers. Beautiful.

Defeat and the dressing room feels like a dentist's waiting room. Arnold Schwarzenegger stares at his boots like they've personally betrayed him. Charlie Kirk peels off his tape slowly, methodically. The gaffer says five words: "We'll fix it in training." Everyone believes him. Sort of. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Gerald Musty-Carpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the shelf life of a broken promise in Scunthorpe?'. The answer was of course roughly six weeks, or until the next council election, whichever comes first. Gerald wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Coming up: 'Gogglebox, but the families are watching Gogglebox watching Gogglebox.' It's telly-ception. Nobody knows what's real anymore. The dog seems fine with it.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-0 (W)

Enormous anticipation from Will Smith who intercepts and kills the opposition attack stone dead. The pressing has paid off. OOH the OUTRAGEOUS strike from Will Smith! From over 25 yards out he beats the keeper, the goal is SUMPTUOUS!

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Will Smith is at the centre, lifted up by Lionel Messi and CaseOh, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. Montevideo Garra-Charrúa's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

Step-overs from Charlie Kirk, the defender has lost the ball completely, the fans are loving it. Charlie Kirk slides it to Davo Xeneise, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Superb pass from Davo Xeneise into the gap for Lionel Messi, the defender is rooted to the spot.

Patrick Mahomes with a trademark slide tackle, gets the ball and pops straight back up. The fans are on their feet! Good ball from the american football player to Will Smith, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Will Smith slides the ball into space for Charlie Kirk, he is away down the middle. Awful pass from Charlie Kirk, the ball goes out of play. That had disaster written all over it from the start. That is a tackle of the highest order from Davo Xeneise. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic.

Short restart from the digital transformation consultant to Gastón Edul, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Little shift from Gastón Edul to Sean Combs, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Just wide from Sean Combs, needed a fraction more accuracy on that. The digital transformation consultant finds Davo Xeneise with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops.

Lifesaving clearance from Arnold Schwarzenegger! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters. Royal interception from Patrick Mahomes! He positions himself in the passing corridor and plucks the ball out of thin air. What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere. CRAAACKER from Charlie Kirk outside the box! On target, heading for the net but the keeper pushes wide! Charlie Kirk aims the corner to the back post but it is headed clear by the defence.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has got the Bluetooth speaker going and there is music bouncing off the dressing room walls. Lionel Messi is doing some kind of dance that looks like a dad at a wedding. The physio is trying to tape up an ankle and cannot stop laughing. The boss shakes his head but does not say a word. Never change a winning formula. A Ryanair mix-up saw Gastón Edul land in Bratislava instead of Barcelona for a pre-season friendly. The 31-year-old spent 14 hours in a Slovak kebab shop before the club sent a rescue taxi. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 6688 and answer this question: 'What speed does a rumour travel through a Wetherspoons?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Sean Combs wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

Aggressive high press, the opposition keeper is already sweating. High recovery from Lionel Messi, he ran himself into the ground to go and win that ball. The defender never saw him coming. LOOONG range effort from Lionel Messi! It's heading goalward but the keeper is alert. Corner.

Textbook tackle from Will Smith there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted. What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end. SO CLOSE! Willy Wonka sends a rocket that kisses the post on its way out. A fraction more and that's in. They're monopolizing the ball but it's all hot air, nothing in the box.

Possession for possession's sake, not a single cross or shot. Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill. Gastón Edul fires the ball over to Charlie Kirk with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book.

The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. The ball from Lionel Messi rips through the defensive curtain, Willy Wonka is flying into the space like an arrow. Offside by a nose for Willy Wonka on the ball from Arnold Schwarzenegger! You'd need a microscope for that one.

The lawyer beats the defender with a sharp turn. It is rare to see a player in that position with that kind of pure skill. The referee points to the penalty spot! Myriam Bregman has been wrestled to the ground in the box by the defender. CLEAR decision, it is a penalty and this changes EVERYTHING! Myriam Bregman runs up, shoots... and the keeper saves it! He guessed the right side! Myriam Bregman hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job!

Brilliant! CaseOh goes straight to the family section, finds his people in the crowd, and blows kisses with both hands. Arnold Schwarzenegger photobombs from behind with the daftest grin you've ever seen. The post-match interview can wait — this is what football's about. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Derek Blandford-Tepid, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What speed does a rumour travel through a Wetherspoons?'. The answer was of course faster than light but slower than the service, which is technically impossible but somehow true. Derek wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

1-1 (L)

Sideways ball from Myriam Bregman to Patrick Mahomes, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Patrick Mahomes unleashes one that smashes off the bar and bounces out! The keeper hadn't moved! GOOOAL! Lionel Messi sneaks in front of the defender on the cross from Willy Wonka and prods the ball in at point-blank range. PERFECT!

Myriam Bregman and Charlie Kirk do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. CaseOh arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

Short restart from CaseOh to Sean Combs, building from the back nice and tidy. Monumental ball from Sean Combs to Charlie Kirk, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Quick exchange between Charlie Kirk and Lionel Messi, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Lionel Messi crosses from the left side, the ball hangs in the area, Gastón Edul is in the right place.

Beautifully worked short corner from the lawyer to Gastón Edul. In that role, the ability to vary your delivery makes you a complete player. Cross from the right by Gastón Edul, the ball sails over everyone and drops towards Sean Combs at the back post. Poor cross from Sean Combs, the ball sails three yards over the head of Charlie Kirk. Wasteful. Short restart from the digital transformation consultant to Davo Xeneise, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Davo Xeneise springs up and wins the duel in the air against the towering forward. Timing and leap make all the difference.

Oh no, Buenos Aires Pecho Frío have scored from the spot! Cool as you like into the corner.

CaseOh dives head-first into the back of the net and comes out with the ball between his teeth, eyes burning. Willy Wonka can't breathe he's laughing so hard. CaseOh claps from his own box, the roar from the stadium cranks up another ten decibels.

CaseOh opts for the short option to Arnold Schwarzenegger, keeping possession, building play, no panic. Great vision from Arnold Schwarzenegger who switches to Will Smith. The defence pivots, but they are too late. Devastating burst of pace from Will Smith, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank.

The physio works on CaseOh's calf while the boss talks. "Their right-back is bombing forward every time. CaseOh, you get in behind him the second we win it back. Charlie Kirk, play the ball early." The instructions are sharp, specific. This is a chess match now and the gaffer is moving his pieces. Charlie Kirk once held a door open for Gordon Ramsay and inexplicably said 'cheers, Dad.' The 33-year-old has not spoken publicly about the incident, but Ramsay apparently replied 'you're welcome, son.' And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 9922 and answer this question: 'Which household appliance became mayor of Stoke-on-Trent in 2003?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Lionel Messi is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Arnold Schwarzenegger anticipates the lofted pass and intercepts with his chest. Total control, maximum game intelligence. Arnold Schwarzenegger changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Myriam Bregman. The defence is caught completely flat-footed.

Sean Combs chops the opponent down at the halfway line. Stops the counter. The referee brandishes yellow at Sean Combs. Enough is enough with the protests. Sean Combs plays the free kick short to Patrick Mahomes, clever little combination to catch the defence off guard. Patrick Mahomes winds up and FIRES! It's wide but it brushed the upright. Unlucky!

Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. The chocolatier lets fly and it's on target! Keeper pushes it for a corner. In that position, having the courage to pull the trigger is what sets you apart. Corner from Willy Wonka well taken but the defence does its job, cleared comfortably. Patrick Mahomes reads the attempted through ball and intercepts in stride. The defence wanted to play it quick, but Patrick Mahomes was quicker. Patrick Mahomes rolls it to Myriam Bregman, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation.

Davo Xeneise switches the play to Myriam Bregman on the far side, superb crossfield ball! The lawyer reads the play and puts in a textbook challenge. That's the sort of awareness you need in that position, and he's delivered it perfectly. The lawyer boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence.

Willy Wonka reaches the byline and cuts it back for Charlie Kirk arriving from the second wave. Charlie Kirk sends a powerful header on the cross from Sean Combs but it flies over. The whole stadium thought it was in. Gastón Edul boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there.

Lightning counter, striker's away on his bike and the defence is chasing shadows. Cut-back along the deck from Lionel Messi, Charlie Kirk pops up between the centre-halves. The pull-back is spot on. Shot blocked! Charlie Kirk couldn't get it past the defender who gets in the way at the last second. The cross from Lionel Messi is intercepted at the near post, the defender has done the hard yards. Short restart from the digital transformation consultant to Charlie Kirk, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player.

Draw against Buenos Aires Pecho Frío. CaseOh kisses the club badge as he passes the home end — a gesture for the fans, regardless. Gastón Edul does the same. The squad stays tight, the season rolls on. Nights like this, you close ranks. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Pauline Drizzle-Hatch, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which household appliance became mayor of Stoke-on-Trent in 2003?'. The answer was of course a Morphy Richards toaster, which won by a landslide and to this day holds the highest approval rating of any mayor in the city's history. Pauline wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

1-3 (L)

Magnificent reading of the game from Arnold Schwarzenegger, he intercepts between the lines and launches the counter. That kind of action turns a match on its head. Quick break, the counter is executed with surgical precision. Myriam Bregman takes his time to aim, looks at the keeper, and SHOOTS! On target, in the net, GOOOOAL!

Brilliant switch of play from Willy Wonka! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Charlie Kirk. Charlie Kirk wins the battle in the air against the attacker, he took the elevator while everyone else took the stairs. Panicked clearance from Charlie Kirk, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done. Willy Wonka loses the header against the towering forward. The size difference told the story.

Low block set up sweetly, the opposition plays around it with no danger. Will Smith does the dirty work, legs it back to stop the two-on-one. Absolutely immense. The philanthropist slides in with a perfect tackle and wins the ball. That's exactly the kind of intervention you want from someone in that position.

70% possession, zero chances created, you can't win games like that. Wasted cross from the chocolatier, it goes out for a throw. At this level, you expect better delivery from the crosses. Dead time on the pitch, both sides happy to keep it ticking over. Quick one-two between Gastón Edul and Charlie Kirk, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Charlie Kirk finds Arnold Schwarzenegger between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch.

GOAL! Rio Malandro FC have made it count! The defence was caught ball-watching, criminal stuff.

The gaffer boots the door open and launches a water bottle across the dressing room. It explodes against the far wall and nobody flinches because they all know they deserve it. "What the bloody hell was that?!" he roars. Arnold Schwarzenegger stares at the floor. CaseOh cannot even look up. Absolute shambles. At age 9, Willy Wonka entered a school talent show dressed as Mr Blobby and fell off the stage into the headteacher's lap. Now 28, the footage resurfaces every Christmas without fail. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 5566 and answer this question: 'What did the last pigeon to leave Trafalgar Square write in its resignation letter?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Charlie Kirk wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

Massive clearance from the american football player under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. CaseOh boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Sean Combs! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Enormous leap from the philanthropist who wins the header. In that role, a player who wins his aerial duels like that is an insurance policy. Sean Combs hits the afterburners and flies past his defender, that is blistering pace.

Willy Wonka plays it simple to Will Smith, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll. They've got the bit between their teeth, this is fantastic to watch. The conspiracy theorist does not let up and rips the ball from the opposition's feet. In that position, that kind of high defensive work is worth as much as an assist.

With one swing of the boot, Lionel Messi finds Sean Combs on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. The opponent dominates Sean Combs in the air with worrying ease. Sean Combs did not have the tools to compete on that one. CaseOh rescues his side with an insane reflex save! Heroic stuff.

They've scored again! Rio Malandro FC are running riot and we can't cope.

Arnold Schwarzenegger goes crossfield to Will Smith, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. The philanthropist bends the ball into the box for Gastón Edul. The kind of delivery that makes the difference in the big games. The cross from Gastón Edul is way too long, it ends up in the arms of the goalkeeper. The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge. Massive diagonal from Davo Xeneise! Arnold Schwarzenegger receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards.

Lovely quick transition, but the final decision-making is terrible. Lionel Messi decides to carry the danger all by himself, he devours the pitch with fierce determination. Dangerous play from Lionel Messi! He's left the ground and caught the attacker high. That's reckless. Yellow card. Lionel Messi went in with a raised boot, absolutely reckless challenge. Lionel Messi plays the free kick short and fast to Davo Xeneise, they catch everyone on the hop.

Nightmare! Rio Malandro FC score! That goal was coming, we've been under the cosh.

Willy Wonka plays it to Patrick Mahomes on the short corner, the defense comes out to press. Patrick Mahomes delivers a tidy ball to Lionel Messi, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Lionel Messi wants to find Arnold Schwarzenegger between the lines but the weight is all wrong. Intercepted. Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed.

Final whistle, final nail. Sean Combs pulls his shirt over his face and walks blind toward the tunnel. CaseOh gently steers him past a camera crew. Some moments don't need broadcasting. The fans drift away in ones and twos, collars up, hands in pockets. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Reginald Flump, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What did the last pigeon to leave Trafalgar Square write in its resignation letter?'. The answer was of course 'I can no longer work in these conditions, the tourists are unbearable and Nelson never says thank you'. Reginald wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

2-2 (L)

Corner from Willy Wonka, DANGER! Bodies flying in the box, a defender throws himself at it to clear! GOOOOOAL! Charlie Kirk does the DIRTY but essential WORK! Tap-in into the empty net from 5 yards, GOAL!

Dead defender. Willy Wonka mimes a sniper taking aim at the travelling support, finger pulled like a trigger, cold as ice. Lionel Messi completes the choreography by collapsing. CaseOh arrives late, throws himself on the pile, sends a roar through the stands.

Will Smith intercepts the ball, he was a step ahead of everyone on the pitch. Ball won, three passes, one shot, that's top-drawer transitional football. GOOOOOAL for Myriam Bregman! On the genius pass from Charlie Kirk, he beats the keeper with a placed finish, MAGNIFICENT!

'I told you so' mode. Will Smith eyeballs the Istanbul Cehennem FK bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Arnold Schwarzenegger pulls Will Smith away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

The free kick is played short by Charlie Kirk to Lionel Messi, smart approach that. Driven cross from Lionel Messi into the box, Gastón Edul arrives at full pace at the near post. This smells like a goal. Cross from Gastón Edul deflected behind for a corner, the defender read the play perfectly. The corner from Arnold Schwarzenegger is cut out at the near post by a defender, no danger. Willy Wonka launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Charlie Kirk, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully.

Superb tackle from the journalist, cleans up the danger without breaking a sweat. When you've got a player like that in the role, you sleep easy at night. Gastón Edul absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime. Monster clearance from CaseOh, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Patrick Mahomes. The american football player switches the play to Willy Wonka, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter.

Oh no, Istanbul Cehennem FK score a worldie! Fair play, but our hearts are sinking.

"Right, hands up, who thinks that was good enough?" The gaffer scans the room. Not a single hand goes up. Charlie Kirk shifts uncomfortably on the bench. Lionel Messi picks at the tape on {his} wrist. "Exactly," says the boss. "Because it was not. We are better than this and every single one of you knows it." Local pub quiz teams live in fear of Lionel Messi, whose knowledge of 90s one-hit wonders is described as encyclopaedic. The 39-year-old has been asked to stop attending because nobody else can win. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 8989 and answer this question: 'Which day of the week weighs the most in Grimsby?' The dressing rooms empty and the pitch fills up again. Sean Combs does a few quick stretches on the touchline before jogging into position. Ready for war.

Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. Delicious through ball from Gastón Edul, the ball slides in behind the centre-halves and Will Smith is there to gobble it up. Will Smith attempts a through ball but it is cut out halfway. Far too obvious.

The philanthropist shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Lionel Messi. Pure quality, as per usual. Lionel Messi rises above his marker and wins the header! He got up higher than everyone. Lionel Messi thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work. Will Smith loses his aerial duel, the opponent got higher and won everything. Not much he could do.

Corner from Lionel Messi and it's absolute CARNAGE in the box, the defense hacks it clear! What a STRIIIIKE from Myriam Bregman! Arrowing towards goal, on target but the keeper produces an absolute worldie!

The press from Lionel Messi pays off immediately, the defender makes a mess of it and Lionel Messi pounces. A forced gift. Absolute peach from Lionel Messi, threading it through for Arnold Schwarzenegger, the centre-halves are done for! The film producer produces the tackle of the match, impeccable timing and technique. That ability to read the game defensively from that position is absolutely priceless.

And it's in! Istanbul Cehennem FK take advantage of a dreadful mix-up at the back.

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment CaseOh strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. Sean Combs points at it, jaw on the floor. CaseOh shakes his head, not believing it.

Tidy restart from CaseOh along the deck to Sean Combs, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. The philanthropist lays it off first time to Arnold Schwarzenegger, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it.

Will Smith hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match. Pass, pass, pass, back to the keeper... same old script. Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper. Lionel Messi to Davo Xeneise, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Davo Xeneise gives it to Myriam Bregman and bursts in behind the marker. The return arrives in stride. Perfection.

Level score. Arnold Schwarzenegger screams at the sky out of frustration — we were leading at half time. Patrick Mahomes boots a stray training ball as far as he can, just to let it out. The ref watches, doesn't love it, lets it go. Everyone understands. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Pauline Drizzle-Hatch, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which day of the week weighs the most in Grimsby?'. The answer was of course Thursday, at approximately 47 kilograms, mostly due to the accumulated dread of Friday. Pauline wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-1 (L)

It's in the back of the net! Milano Piano-Piano celebrate and our fans are gutted.

CaseOh falls to his knees in front of the family section, eyes shut, hands pressed together to the sky. Three seconds of silence in the stadium. Then Patrick Mahomes arrives and screams in his ear, and the whole thing explodes. Goosebumps.

The block resists valiantly, not a single chance conceded. Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart. What composure from Lionel Messi! On the pass from Myriam Bregman, he does not rush and places his shot to the millimetre. GOAL!

The film producer hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did. Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end. The ball goes from side to side but there's no end product whatsoever.

Heroic defending, every ball is swept up with proper concentration. Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end. Lionel Messi hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust. Lionel Messi clips the ball into the area with a whipped cross, Arnold Schwarzenegger gets across the near post first. Cross from Arnold Schwarzenegger too hard, too long, the keeper barely has to bend down to collect.

Blistering transition, defence caught cold and carved wide open. Burst of pace from Charlie Kirk on the wing, the full-back cannot live with that speed. Ball loss from the conspiracy theorist on a dribble. In that role, taking risks is fine, but the timing has to be spot on. Counter from their own goal, and all that just to butcher the cross.

Lionel Messi rips off {his} boots and flings them into the locker with a clatter. Willy Wonka glances over but says nothing. It is goalless and the frustration is eating everyone alive. The gaffer paces the room like a caged animal. "I need more from you lot. Much more. That was like watching paint dry out there." A lovely bit of trivia here — CaseOh once got stuck on the M25 for four and a half hours and claims it was the most formative experience of his career. Taught him patience, composure, and an appreciation for Radio 2. He was only 28 at the time. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 4040 and answer this question: 'What is the national dish of a car park?' The referee blows the whistle and the second half kicks off. Lionel Messi takes the ball immediately and drives forward. No messing about.

Arnold Schwarzenegger clears in a panic off his weaker foot, it is not clean but it is out. The important thing is the ball is miles away. Myriam Bregman dominates his marker in the air, powerful header to clear the danger. He is the king of the aerial game. Burst of speed from the lawyer down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs. Short pass from the lawyer to Patrick Mahomes, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level.

CaseOh takes his time and plays it short to Will Smith. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. Will Smith drops a lofted ball to Charlie Kirk, it sails over the entire midfield line. Charlie Kirk keeps it short to Patrick Mahomes, no frills, just good football intelligence. Ball in behind from the american football player, Willy Wonka is through on goal. That is the kind of pass that justifies the price tag all on its own.

The chocolatier gets to the byline and floats one in for Davo Xeneise. Crossing is his bread and butter. Cross from Davo Xeneise cleared at the near post by the defence, that is frustrating. Charlie Kirk sends the corner in but a defender gets there first and heads it out for a throw. What positioning from Gastón Edul! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts. Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic.

Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. Arnold Schwarzenegger sees the gap and puts the ball right through it. Gastón Edul is racing into the channel, the defence is watching the train leave the station. Offside! Gastón Edul was barely ahead of the last man, Myriam Bregman's ball was inch-perfect too! Everything grinds to a halt as VAR takes over. You could hear a pin drop in here.

The corner from Willy Wonka is headed away by a tall defender, nothing doing there. The film producer reads the pass and intercepts cleanly. When you have that reading ability in that position, you snuff out attacks before they even begin. Arnold Schwarzenegger pings a long diagonal to Gastón Edul, completely shifts the point of attack. Gastón Edul launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever.

Switch from Patrick Mahomes! The ball arcs over the midfield and Will Smith collects it on the other side. Stretching the play. Will Smith beats the attacker with a commanding header, he went up like a lift and came back down with the ball. The boss. Incredible burst of pace from Will Smith, he eats up the ground in just a few strides. Ball across the ground from Will Smith, it slides through the entire box and reaches Charlie Kirk on the penalty spot. The shot from Charlie Kirk is blocked, the defender put his body on the line.

1-1, 2-2, doesn't matter — it's a draw. Davo Xeneise shakes the ref's hand on autopilot, already miles away. CaseOh goes to applaud the travelling support — polite clap back. Nobody's sulking, but nobody's singing either. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Reginald Flump, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the national dish of a car park?'. The answer was of course a ticket with a side of despair and a drizzle of concrete dust. Reginald wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

2-2 (L)

Clinical interception from Gastón Edul, he cuts out the pass between the opposition lines and breaks forward on the counter. The crowd loves it, and rightly so. Counter-attack fires off the blocks, blistering pace from the front three. Davo Xeneise lets the GUNS loose! A strike of phenomenal power that ends up top bins, GOAL!

Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking. Sean Combs turns the game on its head with one razor-sharp pass for Charlie Kirk. The defence did not even have time to blink. GOOOAL from the conspiracy theorist! Toed in to the empty net. In that position, knowing how to be in the right place at the right time is what scores you 20 a season.

Double backflip off the penalty spot from Sean Combs. Will Smith is on his knees clapping, CaseOh is screaming 'ARE YOU MENTAL?!' from forty yards away. The home end gets to their feet, flags flapping, scarves overhead. Raw.

CaseOh plays it along the ground to Charlie Kirk, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. The conspiracy theorist shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Arnold Schwarzenegger. Pure quality, as per usual. Arnold Schwarzenegger bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket. Arnold Schwarzenegger clatters into the opponent, a fraction late on the challenge. Free kick. Arnold Schwarzenegger goes short to Will Smith, they are trying to find a way through with a set piece routine.

The philanthropist plays it simple to Myriam Bregman, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. The opposition has eleven behind the ball and a smile on their face. BY A WHISKER! Myriam Bregman fires and the ball shaves the right post before spinning out. The goal was right there.

Davo Xeneise picks up the ball and decides to go end to end, defenders fall one by one. Davo Xeneise drops a lollipop in behind the defence, Will Smith read the play perfectly and finds himself one on one. Effort from Will Smith that flies into the stands! The keeper didn't even pretend to move. The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded.

The physio works on Gastón Edul's calf while the boss talks. "Their right-back is bombing forward every time. Gastón Edul, you get in behind him the second we win it back. Willy Wonka, play the ball early." The instructions are sharp, specific. This is a chess match now and the gaffer is moving his pieces. Absolutely unbelievable scenes — Charlie Kirk, aged 33, once admitted on live radio that he eats a Greggs sausage roll before every single match. The lad swears it's the secret to his pace, and honestly, who are we to argue with those numbers? And now, our TV game show The Apprentice Plumber! To win a call-out from a plumber within the same calendar year, text 4123 and answer: 'How many cups of tea must you offer a tradesperson before they start working?' Myriam Bregman trots out with a fresh shirt and a look that could curdle milk. Whatever happened in that dressing room has put fire in {his} belly.

They've scored! Sevilla Olé-Olé find the back of the net. Absolute disaster at the back.

Final knee slide with controlled drift. CaseOh ends up against the hoardings in a fallen angel pose. Sean Combs leaps over him. CaseOh walks over, shakes his head like an exasperated dad. Stadium oscillating. Pure madness.

CaseOh rolls it short to Davo Xeneise into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. Crossfield pass from Davo Xeneise to Myriam Bregman, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. The lawyer bends the ball into the box for Patrick Mahomes. The kind of delivery that makes the difference in the big games. The cross from Patrick Mahomes is deflected off a defender's foot. Corner to the attacking side.

GOAAAL! Sevilla Olé-Olé make it count! Sliced through us like a hot knife through butter.

Will Smith plays the simple ball to Myriam Bregman, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Cut-back along the ground from Myriam Bregman on the right, Willy Wonka picks it up centrally in front of goal. Massive chance. Willy Wonka shoots but it's deflected at the last moment by the defender who stuck his head in! What courage. The conspiracy theorist boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. The film producer is beaten to the header by his marker. In that position, a lost duel like that is a warning sign.

Davo Xeneise unleashes a raking ball out to Willy Wonka, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. The chocolatier shifts Charlie Kirk into space, pass weighted to the millimetre. That is his bread and butter, he could do it blindfolded. The conspiracy theorist roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head. Charlie Kirk squares it back for Will Smith, low and hard across the six-yard box, just needs a tap in.

Aerial duel lost by Sean Combs, he jumped too late and the opponent took full advantage. The digital transformation consultant stretches the leg at the last moment and blocks the strike. In that position, it is that instinctive reflex that wins matches. The digital transformation consultant finds Gastón Edul with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops.

Good ball from Davo Xeneise to Will Smith, playing it quick between the lines. The philanthropist finds Arnold Schwarzenegger in the pocket with a ball into space. Understated quality, no fuss, but devastatingly effective. Arnold Schwarzenegger sprays the ball into no-man's land, the pass finds nobody. Wasteful stuff at this level. Gastón Edul sees everything, understands everything, and intercepts at the perfect moment. That is the kind of player who makes a team unbeatable.

A draw — that grey zone. Davo Xeneise signs autographs on his way off, a kid hands him a scuffed old ball. Myriam Bregman adds his signature. Kids don't see draws the way grown-ups do. To them it's still magic. That puts things in perspective. Wayne from Luton says a minimum of four cups of tea and at least one biscuit before any tools come out. Wayne wins the plumber call-out! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-2 (L)

Ball won high, counter away, it's a proper turbo-charged break. Killer ball from Charlie Kirk through the gap! Willy Wonka bursts in, the centre-backs are split wide open. This is top-drawer stuff. Willy Wonka spots the keeper off his line and dinks it over him, perfect lob, it is in! GOAL! The intelligence of that finish, that is WORLD CLASS.

Charlie Kirk fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. Willy Wonka plays the medic running in. CaseOh plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

Short build-up from Myriam Bregman to Willy Wonka, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Strike from Willy Wonka that thuds into the defensive wall. The defender threw himself in without fear. Charlie Kirk takes the corner but the opposition defence is well organized, cleared. Willy Wonka scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive.

The momentum has well and truly shifted, one-way traffic now. Lionel Messi curls a cross to the near post, Myriam Bregman is lurking in the box. Myriam Bregman swings in the corner, it's bedlam! The ball bounces around like a pinball, defense clears! Deflected shot from the chocolatier, the defender makes himself big. In that role, the technique was there but the block was perfect.

Will Smith spreads it to Davo Xeneise, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Lay-off from Davo Xeneise to Lionel Messi out wide, the ball rolls down the channel like it is on rails. Lionel Messi is flagged offside by the narrowest of margins, Sean Combs wants answers from the ref. All eyes on the referee as he studies the screen. VAR is dragging this out. Patrick Mahomes is distraught! VAR says the goal doesn't count!

Myriam Bregman takes his corner to the near post but a defender is there to cut it out. Decisive interception from the american football player, he cut out the passing lane as if he knew the opposition game plan. That is exactly what you want from a player in that role. Patrick Mahomes sets it for Willy Wonka, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating.

The gaffer flips the tactics board clean off the wall. Magnets scatter across the floor like shrapnel. "Can somebody, ANYBODY, explain to me what I have just watched for forty-five minutes?!" Nobody answers. Will Smith pulls {his} shirt over {his} face. The hairdryer treatment has well and truly arrived. A teammate has confirmed that Sean Combs watches Bargain Hunt religiously and shouts at the telly when contestants overpay. He once phoned in to complain about a Staffordshire pottery valuation. The man is 57 and fully invested in daytime antiques. And now, our TV game show Pointless Gestures! To win a royal family commemorative tea towel set, text 0800CROWN and answer: 'How many corgis can fit in a single Buckingham Palace corridor?' Second half underway and Sean Combs is straight into it, pressing high from the first whistle. No easing into this one. Straight for the jugular.

GOAL! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

CaseOh unfurls a banner hidden in his shorts: 'FOR THE LADS DOWN THE ROAD'. The home end erupts. Sean Combs makes a heart sign with his hands. CaseOh finally shows up, completely out of breath, collapses next to them.

Myriam Bregman floats his corner in but a defender climbs highest and heads it clear. Massive clearance from Gastón Edul in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished. Long ball from Patrick Mahomes to Sean Combs, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. The philanthropist lays it off first time to Gastón Edul, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Gastón Edul tears into the opposition build-up, running everywhere, and ends up stealing the ball. That man is a guard dog.

Wing switch from Davo Xeneise, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Gastón Edul brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. The journalist rises above everyone and wins the header. In that position, aerial dominance is what separates the good from the great. Gastón Edul clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched.

What a disaster! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

CaseOh mimes a baseball home run, watches the imaginary ball disappear into imaginary clouds, then jogs round the bases. Willy Wonka plays the opposing manager crying on the sideline. CaseOh applauds from the centre circle. The home end losing it.

CaseOh throws it out quickly to Willy Wonka, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Willy Wonka with an absolutely perfect sliding tackle, takes the ball right off the attacker's toes. Nothing given, play on! Fast break, one-touch football, they've cut them to ribbons. Willy Wonka anticipates the run from Will Smith and fires a low missile in behind the defence. Perfect connection. Superb tackle from the philanthropist, cleans up the danger without breaking a sweat. When you've got a player like that in the role, you sleep easy at night.

Davo Xeneise spreads it to Myriam Bregman, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Myriam Bregman delivers a tidy ball to Charlie Kirk, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Step-over from Charlie Kirk, he ghosts past his man in one move! Failed dribble from the conspiracy theorist, the defender recovers. It happens, but in that role you expect better decision-making.

The american football player reads the pass and intercepts cleanly. When you have that reading ability in that position, you snuff out attacks before they even begin. Patrick Mahomes links up with Willy Wonka, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Willy Wonka spots the gap and sends Charlie Kirk into it with a perfectly weighted pass. The channel is wide open. It is not happening for Charlie Kirk, the pass to Patrick Mahomes is weak, half-hearted, and the opponent pounces.

Gutting. CaseOh throws his gloves at the bench in frustration. Will Smith picks them up quietly and puts them in the bag. The gaffer waits for everyone to sit down before speaking. His voice is calm but his eyes tell a different story. Long coach ride home. Philippa from Henley-on-Thames says at least fourteen corgis comfortably and twenty at a push. The tea towel set is hers! Coming up: 'Gogglebox, but the families are watching Gogglebox watching Gogglebox.' It's telly-ception. Nobody knows what's real anymore. The dog seems fine with it.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

2-2 (L)

Oh no, London Three-Pints score! Their forward was left completely unmarked, schoolboy defending.

Decisive interception from the journalist, he cut out the passing lane as if he knew the opposition game plan. That is exactly what you want from a player in that role. Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. What a CANNONBALL from Sean Combs! The keeper was well positioned but that strike was UNSTOPPABLE.

Gastón Edul anticipates the pass and intercepts cleanly. The opposition midfielder thought he had found the gap, but it was a trap. What a BULLET from Gastón Edul! Strike from 28 yards, the ball flies through the air and ends in the bottom corner. GOAL!

The corner from Myriam Bregman comes to nothing, the defence clears at the first post. Massive clearance from Davo Xeneise, just get the ball as far away as possible. The digital transformation consultant throws it out to Arnold Schwarzenegger, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything.

Clearance from Patrick Mahomes under pressure, the ball flies into touch on the far side. It is not in the coaching manual but it works. The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. Sideways ball from Lionel Messi to Sean Combs, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. The referee's whistle goes against Sean Combs, caught the opponent late.

Nobody is talking but everyone is thinking. CaseOh reties {his} laces for the fourth time. Will Smith cracks {his} neck left, then right. The scoreline is level and the anxiety is palpable. The gaffer finally speaks: "Fifteen minutes. Give me fifteen minutes of proper intensity at the start of the second half and we win this." Charlie Kirk attempted a Jamie Oliver fifteen-minute meal that took the 33-year-old two and a half hours and resulted in what witnesses described as 'a crime against pasta.' The smoke alarm went off thrice. And now, our TV game show Supermarket Sweep the Nation! To win a trolley dash through the reduced section at Tesco, text 0800YELLOW and answer: 'What time do the yellow stickers go on at your local supermarket?' Back on the pitch and Myriam Bregman is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

Overlap and cross from Willy Wonka, the ball drops at the feet of Gastón Edul in the heart of the box. The journalist hits it on the volley and sends it over. In that position, attempting that is what makes football beautiful, the next one's going in. Long kick from CaseOh, Charlie Kirk positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on.

Bodies everywhere, nobody cares about fatigue, they just need a goal. The lawyer unleashes a rocket, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper is there. In that position, having that kind of shooting ability is a proper weapon.

The american football player boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. Clearance from the digital transformation consultant towards Charlie Kirk, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Masterful aerial duel from Charlie Kirk, he gets above everyone and heads it clear. The attacker was left as a spectator. Charlie Kirk heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one.

And there it is, London Three-Pints score! The writing was on the wall after that pressure.

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment CaseOh strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. Charlie Kirk points at it, jaw on the floor. CaseOh shakes his head, not believing it.

Combination between the chocolatier and Davo Xeneise on the short corner. In that role, these variations at set pieces disrupt every defense. Good delivery from Davo Xeneise off the left flank, Patrick Mahomes positions himself between the two centre-halves. Patrick Mahomes sends a cross over the pack, nobody can reach it. Chance gone begging.

CaseOh lumps it long towards Will Smith, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. Will Smith goes crossfield to Davo Xeneise, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Davo Xeneise weights his pass into the space for Myriam Bregman who collects at full pace without breaking stride. Perfection. Myriam Bregman plays it back across the box for Patrick Mahomes, the low cross is inch-perfect. Huge tackle from Patrick Mahomes! Went through the back door and nicked the ball before the striker could get his shot away.

Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly. Arnold Schwarzenegger threads the needle between the two centre-backs, Sean Combs bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. Sean Combs is called offside but it's marginal at best! Lionel Messi is absolutely livid.

Draw. Patrick Mahomes takes the time to shake every London Three-Pints player's hand, one by one — old habit, old manners. Will Smith follows suit. The screens show the stats: possession 50, shots on target 4 each. Perfect mirror. Neither side deserved more. Julie from Leicester says half seven on a Tuesday is prime yellow sticker time and she has the elbows to prove it. Trolley dash for Julie! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'