My dream football team — football_team 🇬🇧

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-0 (W)

The ref blows up! Toni Polster's shot is blocked by an arm in the box. Penalty, and you can't argue with that one. GOOOOAL from Michael Olise! ICE COLD penalty, he places it left, the keeper goes right. Total composure!

Toni Polster climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Michael Olise films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Javier Zanetti intercepts the ball, he was a step ahead of everyone on the pitch. Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. WIIIIIDE! Andreas Herzog put plenty on it but the ball slides just past the frame of the goal.

Jérôme Boateng jumps too early and comes back down before the ball arrives, the opponent profits and wins the duel. Alex Manninger parries it back into the middle, that is dangerous! Jérôme Boateng launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty.

Sergio Ramos throws himself into the passing lane and comes away with the ball. Phenomenal reading of the game. Short build-up from Sergio Ramos to Andreas Herzog, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Andreas Herzog sends the defender the wrong way with a stepover, that is technically brutal. Andreas Herzog fires a powerful cross into the danger zone, Joshua Kimmich throws himself at it. It is heating up in the box. Header from Joshua Kimmich, it flies just past the post, he had to hit the target there.

Alex Manninger sparks the transition with a quick throw to Andreas Herzog, the break is lightning fast. Andreas Herzog launches himself and thumps a dominant header on the cross. The opponent was still on the ground while Andreas Herzog was flying. Lightning overlap from Andreas Herzog, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides. Perfect pull-back from Andreas Herzog, Michael Olise receives it facing goal inside the area. Dream scenario. Alex Manninger palms the ball away with a firm hand. Corner. The attacker cannot believe it.

The physio announces the GPS stats: "Alex Manninger has covered seven kilometres already." Joshua Kimmich shouts: "That is because {he} has been chasing their winger all half!" Alex Manninger fires back: "At least I caught him, unlike you last week." Laughter all round. The gaffer taps the board. "Focus, lads. Same energy second half." Here's one for the ages — Alex Manninger is the reigning champion of the dressing room biscuit dunking competition. His record is a full eleven-second dunk with a digestive. No breakage. At 189, his hand-to-mug coordination is genuinely world class. And now, our TV game show Only Fools and Quizzes! To win a genuine Reliant Robin air freshener, text 3678 and answer: 'In which year did Del Boy last say this time next year we will be millionaires and actually mean it?' The tunnel spits the players back onto the pitch one by one. Alex Manninger comes out with that walk. You know the one. Shoulders back, chest out. Something has clicked.

Herbert Prohaska goes all in with the tackle but comes away with nothing but thin air. Alex Manninger parries it weakly into the middle, the attacker is a whisker from opening the scoring! Javier Zanetti clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched.

David Alaba with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! David Alaba to Toni Polster, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages. Pass, pass, pass, back to the keeper... same old script.

The bench is screaming, the fans roaring, one last massive push. The keeper is up, Alex Manninger getting ready to meet the corner with his head. Jérôme Boateng wins his duel in the air and heads it down for Sergio Ramos. Aerial dominance in the service of the team. Jérôme Boateng links up with Herbert Prohaska, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up.

The corner from Joshua Kimmich is snuffed out by the defence, a defender clears at the near post. David Alaba clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep.

Monster clearance from Jérôme Boateng! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. Rolling forward like a freight train, the opposition are hanging on. Andreas Herzog curls a cross to the near post, David Alaba is lurking in the box.

GET IN THERE! Alex Manninger slides on his knees across the wet turf, Sergio Ramos piles on top, and suddenly half the squad is in a heap. The physio's already panicking about someone's hamstring. Paris Saint-Glinglin can only watch. That's what it means to this lot. Terry from Peckham says Del Boy has never once meant it and that's the beauty of it all. Enjoy the Reliant Robin air freshener, Terry! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

2-1 (W)

Concrete low block, even set pieces aren't getting through. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. Joshua Kimmich winds up and SMASHES it! The ball flies like a rocket and ends up smack in the goal. INCREDIBLE!

Joshua Kimmich does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Michael Olise launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Alex Manninger arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

Andreas Herzog sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. Andreas Herzog dinks his cross over the centre-halves, David Alaba arrives at full pace behind them. GOOOOAL! David Alaba places his header from the cross by Toni Polster, immaculate!

Sideways, backwards, sideways again, the crowd is getting restless. The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. Javier Zanetti sends an aerial beauty to Michael Olise, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile.

Delicious through ball from Herbert Prohaska, the ball slides in behind the centre-halves and Michael Olise is there to gobble it up. Michael Olise drifts just offside as Herbert Prohaska plays the pass, the flag goes up. Agonising! A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent. Good ball from Jérôme Boateng to Javier Zanetti, playing it quick between the lines.

Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. Joshua Kimmich threads the needle between the two centre-backs, Michael Olise bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. OHHH what a strike from Michael Olise! On target, thundering towards goal but the keeper stands firm. Huge save. Michael Olise takes the corner but the opposition defence is well organized, cleared.

David Alaba is planning the celebration already. "If I score in the second half, I am doing the knee slide right in front of their lot," {he} tells Sergio Ramos, who replies: "Last time you tried that you pulled your hamstring." The dressing room erupts. The gaffer shakes his head. "Just score the goal, we will worry about the celebration later." In a baffling move, Sergio Ramos adopted a tortoise named Gary Lineker. At 40, the footballer insists Gary brings calm to the household, despite the tortoise doing absolutely nothing at all times. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 3737 and answer this question: 'What is the pH level of a Greggs steak bake?' And we are back underway! Herbert Prohaska jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

Perfectly executed challenge by David Alaba, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb. Phenomenal run from David Alaba, he cuts through the midfield like a hot knife through butter.

Intelligent short corner from Lothar Matthäus to David Alaba, they refuse the aerial cross. Perfect cut-back from David Alaba, Michael Olise receives it on the deck in acres of space. Dream scenario. NOOOOO Michael Olise! The goal was empty, Jérôme Boateng puts it on his foot and he blazes it over the bar! A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all.

What a block! Jérôme Boateng slides in with impeccable timing and takes the ball away. That's defending at its finest. Jérôme Boateng slides a beauty through the gap, Michael Olise is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. Michael Olise goes for it and fires! Wide, just to the left of goal. Not far off at all. We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough.

Absolutely dreadful! México No-Era-Penal score and we have only ourselves to blame.

Alex Manninger runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Javier Zanetti joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. Jérôme Boateng puts Michael Olise into orbit with a laser-guided through ball. The kind of pass that lifts an entire stadium to its feet. Michael Olise wants to find Joshua Kimmich between the lines but the weight is all wrong. Intercepted.

Free kick played short, Andreas Herzog to Michael Olise, they bypass the wall with the combination. Michael Olise shifts it to Herbert Prohaska with a short pass, threading it between two defenders.

What a performance! David Alaba exchanges jerseys with the México No-Era-Penal skipper — firm handshake, quiet word, respect between competitors. Then he turns and unleashes a primal scream at the sky. Alex Manninger just laughs. "He does that every time we win," he tells the camera. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Colin Flannel-Trousers, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the pH level of a Greggs steak bake?'. The answer was of course off the scale entirely, scientists refuse to measure it on moral grounds. Colin wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

3-2 (W)

Oh no, Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score! Their forward was left completely unmarked, schoolboy defending.

Alex Manninger legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Andreas Herzog tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Andreas Herzog presses high and the defender loses the ball under pressure. It is simple, it is effective, it is intensity football. Sharp cut inside from Andreas Herzog, the defender is left rooted to the spot. That is nasty. GOOOOAL from Andreas Herzog! On the inswinging cross from Michael Olise, he places his shot along the ground and the ball is in!

Perfect back flip from Andreas Herzog right in front of the home end, five-star landing. Jérôme Boateng tries the same behind him, lands flat on his arse, the whole squad doubled over laughing. Even Alex Manninger has made it up, hands on knees, breathless. Proper scenes.

Clinical interception from David Alaba, he cuts out the pass between the opposition lines and breaks forward on the counter. The crowd loves it, and rightly so. Key pass from David Alaba! It fizzes between the lines and Sergio Ramos collects on the run, the defence is left for dead. GOOOAL! Sergio Ramos sneaks in front of the keeper and diverts the ball with the tip of his boot. No keeper can do better!

David Alaba rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Jérôme Boateng jumps on his back, Alex Manninger is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

They've done it! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Alex Manninger points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. Jérôme Boateng comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

Every player defending like their life depends on it, the block stands firm. Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. GOOOOOAL! Toni Polster places it inside the post from the cross by Andreas Herzog, the keeper was well positioned but had no chance!

Toni Polster mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Joshua Kimmich plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Alex Manninger plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

Joshua Kimmich is telling anyone who will listen about the nutmeg {he} put on their centre-half. "Did you see his face? Mate, he looked like he had seen a ghost!" Toni Polster adds: "The poor lad is probably still turning." The gaffer lets the banter flow. Happy dressing room, happy results. Roommates on away trips confirm David Alaba sleepwalks to the hotel minibar and eats all the Pringles unconsciously. At 34, the lad has no memory of it and denies the crumb evidence every single time. And now, our TV game show Homes Under the Hammer Price! To win a doorknob from a house that needed a lot of work, text 0800FIXER and answer: 'What does a lot of potential mean in estate agent language?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Joshua Kimmich high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

Last roll of the dice, legs are gone but the belief is still there. Right-footed cross from Andreas Herzog, the ball bends beautifully into the box and seeks out Michael Olise. Michael Olise crosses too far from the target, the ball drifts towards the opposite touchline. Authoritative clearance from Javier Zanetti in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards.

The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. Clumsy challenge from Andreas Herzog, stands on the opponent's foot. Unintentional but still a foul. Andreas Herzog pretends to strike and lays it off to Michael Olise, well worked short free kick. Michael Olise takes on his man with a sharp turn, one touch and it is done. Clean. JUST WIIIIIDE from Michael Olise! Right idea but it slides past the far post by inches.

Crunching tackle by Javier Zanetti on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it. Javier Zanetti picks out Sergio Ramos with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Sergio Ramos eliminates his opponent with a short piece of skill, absolutely surgical. Sergio Ramos pulls the opponent back as he tries to break. Cynical but necessary. Sergio Ramos finally goes into the book. Third foul, the ref had enough of it.

Intense pressing, the defender panics and lumps it anywhere. Lovely interception from Sergio Ramos, he anticipated the movement and cut off the pass before it reached its target. Sergio Ramos opens up to David Alaba on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Textbook tackle from David Alaba there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted.

Tackle miles off from Herbert Prohaska, absolutely done in by the attacker's quick feet. Alex Manninger grazes the leather with his fingertips and turns it over! World class goalkeeping. The corner from David Alaba is met by a defender who volleys it out for a throw-in.

Quick exchange between Javier Zanetti and Toni Polster, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Toni Polster spots the gap and sends Andreas Herzog into it with a perfectly weighted pass. The channel is wide open. Andreas Herzog sets it for Javier Zanetti, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Javier Zanetti slips Sergio Ramos in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever.

David Alaba lights the fuse with a cutting pass for Sergio Ramos down the channel. The defence is caught cold, it is over for them. Flag up! Sergio Ramos was beyond the last man when Javier Zanetti released the pass. Herbert Prohaska scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive.

It's over and we've won it! Joshua Kimmich grabs the corner flag and plants it at the centre spot like he's claiming new territory. Michael Olise pretends to salute. The fans are in absolute stitches. The manager pretends to be annoyed but you can see him smirking. Top, top scenes. Pauline from Wakefield says a lot of potential means the roof is missing and there may be foxes living in the bathroom. Doorknob for Pauline! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

2-1 (W)

Beautiful distribution from Alex Manninger to Javier Zanetti, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. The opponent beats Javier Zanetti to the near post and wins the header. Javier Zanetti was caught on his heels. What a DOWNWARD header from Jérôme Boateng! Sumptuous header on the cross from Toni Polster, the ball dies in the bottom corner. GOAL!

Alex Manninger stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Sergio Ramos comes over and hugs him without a word.

Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Michael Olise reads the movement from Andreas Herzog and puts the ball right into the pocket of space. Game intelligence off the charts. OHHH the GOAL from Andreas Herzog! On the gift from Toni Polster, he opens up his foot and sends the ball to the far post. SUMPTUOUS!

Michael Olise stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. David Alaba follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Alex Manninger plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end. Andreas Herzog shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for Michael Olise. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces. Michael Olise looks for Javier Zanetti but the pass is way too long, that is going out for a throw-in.

Rapid break, the defenders are still trying to find their marks. Lothar Matthäus hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust. Lothar Matthäus loses the ball trying to dribble, the defender was the smarter of the two. Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered.

It's a goal for Dakar Teranga FC! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

The gaffer strolls into the dressing room with a grin wider than the Stretford End. Michael Olise is sprawled on the bench like {he} just won the pools. "More of the same, lads, more of the same," says the boss, tapping the tactics board once for emphasis. Someone chucks a towel at Herbert Prohaska and the whole room erupts. Proper buzzing in here. We can confirm that Alex Manninger owns a caravan called 'The Palace' which is parked permanently in a field near Whitby. It has no running water, a portable telly, and a signed photo of Peter Crouch. At 189, he can barely stand up inside it. And now, our TV game show Tipping Pointless! To win a B&Q gift card worth exactly one paintbrush, text 0800DIY and answer: 'How many trips to B&Q does it take to finish a single shelf?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. David Alaba leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Lothar Matthäus launches it to Andreas Herzog on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality. What a ball from Javier Zanetti! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and Michael Olise is away on his own. That is velvet. Michael Olise bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket.

Herbert Prohaska triggers a change of flanks for Michael Olise, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Aerial duel won by Michael Olise, he outmuscles his opponent in the air. Aerial power is his bread and butter. Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end. SHOOOOOT from Herbert Prohaska, it's heading for the corner but the keeper gets across and tips it wide!

Free kick from Joshua Kimmich played as a cross, Andreas Herzog positions himself at the far post. Aerial duel lost by Andreas Herzog, he misjudged the flight of the ball and the opponent pounced. COLOSSAL save from Alex Manninger! The keeper reacted in a split second on that thunderbolt.

Rapid combination: Toni Polster to Lothar Matthäus, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Lothar Matthäus spreads the play and finds Joshua Kimmich in a motorway on the left flank. The defence is stretched thin. Joshua Kimmich plays it simple to Michael Olise, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Michael Olise puts it right into the feet of Toni Polster, one touch and away. Silky stuff.

Joshua Kimmich spreads it to Sergio Ramos, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Sergio Ramos tries the power drive and BOOOOM! On target but the keeper gets down and blocks. Saved! Corner from Sergio Ramos, good delivery but the defence reads it well and clears.

Alex Manninger launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Javier Zanetti after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. One touch football: Javier Zanetti to Toni Polster, faster than the opposition can think. Toni Polster gifts David Alaba a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal.

Get in! Javier Zanetti and Joshua Kimmich do the customary shirt swap with a couple of Dakar Teranga FC players — handshakes, mutual respect, the lot. Then Javier Zanetti turns to the home end and cups his ears. The roar nearly takes the roof off. Pub's gonna be lively tonight. Steve from Sunderland says at least seven trips and that's before you realize you bought the wrong screws. The gift card is his! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

2-2 (L)

Blistering solo run from Toni Polster, he covers sixty yards on his own, beating three defenders. PENALTY for Toni Polster! He enters the box, the defender brings him down and the referee points to the spot! No DOUBT about it, it is a penalty. The pressure is ENORMOUS. GOOOAL! Toni Polster sends the penalty in with a POWERFUL and PRECISE strike! The keeper was beaten. CONVERTED!

Toni Polster legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Herbert Prohaska tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Ball recovered and they've gone from end to end in the blink of an eye. Michael Olise finds the gap and serves Herbert Prohaska in behind the last man. That is three-cushion snooker, that is. Delicate lob from Herbert Prohaska, the ball floats over the keeper and dies in the back of the net. ABSOLUTE class, that is Panenka in open play.

Andreas Herzog does not fancy the shot and goes short to Javier Zanetti, trying to disorganise the defence. Javier Zanetti beats his man with a sharp outside cut, the skill is absolutely effortless. Javier Zanetti rolls it to Toni Polster, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. The one-two between Toni Polster and Lothar Matthäus blows the defensive block apart. Give, run, return, done. Clinical.

Oh it's gone in! Douala Makossa-Corner find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

'I told you so' mode. Alex Manninger eyeballs the Douala Makossa-Corner bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Michael Olise pulls Alex Manninger away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking. Joshua Kimmich takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race. Lob from Joshua Kimmich over the entire defence, David Alaba finds himself in acres of space. Everything is on. Lovely take from Alex Manninger! He comes off his line and claims the cross, clean as a whistle. Short restart from Alex Manninger to Javier Zanetti, building from the back nice and tidy.

Tactical debate in the corner. Sergio Ramos wants to push higher. Toni Polster reckons they will get done on the counter. The gaffer listens to both, arms folded, then makes the call: "We push up. Toni Polster, you cover. If they break, you are the last man. No arguments." The room goes quiet. Orders received. A cracking detail — Sergio Ramos, standing at 184, once tried to fix a leaky tap in the dressing room and flooded the entire physio area. He blamed the water pressure, which is the most British excuse anyone has ever given for anything. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 9494 and answer this question: 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Joshua Kimmich is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Joshua Kimmich delivers a tidy ball to Herbert Prohaska, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Strike from Herbert Prohaska that thuds into the defensive wall. The defender threw himself in without fear. Sergio Ramos sends the corner in but a defender gets there first and heads it out for a throw. Jérôme Boateng absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime.

Firm pass from Toni Polster into Sergio Ramos, right into the boots. No waste. Sergio Ramos turns the game on its head with one razor-sharp pass for Jérôme Boateng. The defence did not even have time to blink. Offside against Jérôme Boateng! But that is so tight it's almost criminal! Andreas Herzog is beside himself. Tidy restart from Alex Manninger along the deck to Sergio Ramos, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Sergio Ramos shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class.

Michael Olise chips his cross over the back line, Javier Zanetti is at the far post, free as a bird. Javier Zanetti goes for goal of the season with the volley and it flies over. The stadium applauds anyway, that was special. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions.

Herbert Prohaska finds Javier Zanetti between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Javier Zanetti switches the play to Sergio Ramos on the far side, superb crossfield ball! Sergio Ramos dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution. Sergio Ramos goes into bullet-train mode and drives the length of the pitch. That is breathtaking.

Intense pressing from Michael Olise, he wins the ball back thirty yards from goal. Michael Olise shakes off the defender with a sharp cut, the path is clear. SHOOOOT from Michael Olise... just wide! Shaves the post, so close to going in.

GOAL! Douala Makossa-Corner have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

'I told you so' mode. Alex Manninger eyeballs the Douala Makossa-Corner bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Michael Olise pulls Alex Manninger away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

That is a tackle of the highest order from David Alaba. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic. What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. What a hit from Toni Polster! Absolute ROCKEEEET, on target but the keeper somehow claws it away!

Draw. Toni Polster takes the time to shake every Douala Makossa-Corner player's hand, one by one — old habit, old manners. Herbert Prohaska follows suit. The screens show the stats: possession 50, shots on target 4 each. Perfect mirror. Neither side deserved more. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?'. The answer was of course 900 degrees Celsius, which is why the British stare at the floor numbers with such intensity. Maureen wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

2-2 (L)

Toni Polster plays the simple ball to Jérôme Boateng, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Jérôme Boateng pulls it back along the ground for Toni Polster, that is the perfect cut-back! GOOOOOAL for Toni Polster! On the genius pass from Joshua Kimmich, he beats the keeper with a placed finish, MAGNIFICENT!

Toni Polster climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Herbert Prohaska films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Step-overs from Andreas Herzog followed by an explosion of pace, the defender buys the feint and eats the dust. Andreas Herzog treats himself! He beats half the opposition team and finishes on his own, GOAL!

Andreas Herzog stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Joshua Kimmich comes over and hugs him without a word.

Joshua Kimmich delivers an inswinging free kick, Toni Polster at the back post tries to get on the end of it. Header from Toni Polster, he did everything right except the finish! It goes wide, the keeper thanks the woodwork. Michael Olise hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! Sergio Ramos wins his aerial duel with fierce determination, he outmuscles the attacker and comes away with possession.

Defensive organization is perfect, the opposition hits a brick wall. Brilliant tackle from David Alaba! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending. Little shift from David Alaba to Andreas Herzog, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Ball over the top from Andreas Herzog, Joshua Kimmich had timed the run half a second early and the timing is perfection.

We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. The ball pings around but the defenders are barely breaking sweat. Herbert Prohaska gives it to Lothar Matthäus into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. It falls apart for Lothar Matthäus, the pass goes the wrong way entirely, the opponent recovers and starts again.

"Sixty-two percent possession and not a single clear chance. You are passing it around like a game of piggy in the middle!" The gaffer slams the stats sheet on the table. Alex Manninger winces. Javier Zanetti looks away. Something has got to change and everyone in this room knows it. Andreas Herzog once tweeted 'rate my Sunday roast' and the entire internet destroyed the 58-year-old for putting the Yorkshire puddings on a separate plate. The tweet was deleted within eleven minutes. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 5555 and answer this question: 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Joshua Kimmich sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

Jérôme Boateng produces a sensational tackle in the box, wins the ball, no penalty shout. That takes serious courage. Fast break, one-touch football, they've cut them to ribbons. Andreas Herzog powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated. Andreas Herzog floats a cross in from the wing for Javier Zanetti, the ball hangs in the box!

Oh that's terrible! Lagos No-Carry-Last score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

Lothar Matthäus changes the point of attack with a raking pass to David Alaba. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Magnificent leap from David Alaba who dominates the aerial duel. When he takes off like that, nobody stands a chance. They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. Joshua Kimmich picks it up and goes coast to coast like a man possessed. Nobody is stopping him.

Joshua Kimmich delivers, it's a scramble! The ball ricochets off shins and heads, defense finally boots it away! Michael Olise hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match. Groans from the stands, this possession is going nowhere. Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill. They've grabbed the game by the scruff of the neck now.

Alex Manninger throws it out quickly to Toni Polster, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Diagonal from Toni Polster to Andreas Herzog, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Good run from Andreas Herzog who crosses to the near post for David Alaba. The defender is beaten to it.

GOAL! Lagos No-Carry-Last have netted! Their forward pounced on the loose ball. Clinical.

Alex Manninger runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Herbert Prohaska joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

The corner from Michael Olise is claimed by a defender at the near post, nothing comes of it. Jérôme Boateng heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one. Jérôme Boateng looks up and launches a long pass towards Sergio Ramos. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Lay-off from Sergio Ramos to Michael Olise, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Fantastic high recovery from Michael Olise, he sprinted twenty yards to go and rip the ball away. The effort is immense.

1-1. Toni Polster and Michael Olise are the last two off the pitch, as ever. The stadium is nearly empty, a groundsman is starting to fold up the advertising boards. "Next time," says Toni Polster. "Next time," replies Michael Olise. And they vanish into the tunnel. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Gerald Musty-Carpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?'. The answer was of course the M42, originally called the Badger's Lament until the council shortened it. Gerald wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

3-2 (W)

Toni Polster tears into the opposition build-up, running everywhere, and ends up stealing the ball. That man is a guard dog. Toni Polster follows up the play perfectly on the strike from Andreas Herzog! The keeper parries, he prods it in. GOAL!

Toni Polster fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. Lothar Matthäus plays the medic running in. Alex Manninger plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

David Alaba sees everything, understands everything, and intercepts at the perfect moment. That is the kind of player who makes a team unbeatable. Absolute peach from David Alaba, threading it through for Andreas Herzog, the centre-halves are done for! GOOOAL for Andreas Herzog! He read the trajectory and slides the ball past the keeper. STRIKER'S goal!

Jérôme Boateng with the last-ditch tackle, gets every bit of the ball and none of the man. The ref's happy, we're happy. Solo charge from Jérôme Boateng, he sets off from midfield and arrives in the opposition box. GOAL! What a LOB from Jérôme Boateng! On the pass from Andreas Herzog, he spots the keeper off his line and chips it with the TOP of his foot. The ball drops just on the line and goes in. CLASSY!

Jérôme Boateng spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Herbert Prohaska gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Corner from Joshua Kimmich into the danger area but a defender heads it away, dealt with. Magnificent reading of the game from Javier Zanetti, he intercepts between the lines and launches the counter. That kind of action turns a match on its head. Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart.

Herbert Prohaska drops a lofted ball to Andreas Herzog, it sails over the entire midfield line. Andreas Herzog lofts a cross into the box, Herbert Prohaska is there, sandwiched between two defenders, ready to pounce. Herbert Prohaska rises above his marker and wins the header! He got up higher than everyone.

The boss pulls Lothar Matthäus aside: "You have been absolutely magnificent out there, mate. 65 years old and running the show like you own the place. Keep doing what you are doing." Lothar Matthäus just nods, half-smile on {his} face, the quiet confidence of someone who knows {he} is having a blinder. We can exclusively reveal that Toni Polster, standing 187, owns a pair of lucky pants that he's worn under his kit for three consecutive seasons. They're held together by hope and a single thread, but the results speak for themselves. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Be a Milliner! To win a Primark bag full of reduced Percy Pigs from M&S, text 0800PORK and answer: 'How many Percy Pigs can you fit in a shopping trolley?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Lothar Matthäus sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

What a mess! Barranquilla Toque-Toque capitalise on that blunder. We are our own worst enemy.

Alex Manninger fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. Herbert Prohaska plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

David Alaba refuses to give up, sprints all the way back and arrives just in time to make the tackle. David Alaba commits the tactical foul without hesitation. The bench nods in approval. David Alaba picks up a yellow card for a clinical foul. Stopped the danger, paid the price. David Alaba tries the free kick but the wall is well positioned and blocks it. That's that. The corner from Michael Olise comes to nothing, the defence clears at the first post.

Stunning tackle by David Alaba in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. Transition play in overdrive, they're at the edge of the box already. Andreas Herzog puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins. Andreas Herzog reaches the byline and cuts it back for Herbert Prohaska arriving from the second wave.

Nightmare! Barranquilla Toque-Toque score! That goal was coming, we've been under the cosh.

Alex Manninger dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

The team in a low block is impenetrable, every cross dealt with. Huge tackle from David Alaba! Went through the back door and nicked the ball before the striker could get his shot away. Wicked through ball from David Alaba, the ball skims the grass and finds Javier Zanetti who had set off before anyone else even noticed. Javier Zanetti rifles one in, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper comes up big. Corner to the attacking side.

Alex Manninger distributes short to Michael Olise, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Smooth transition from Michael Olise to David Alaba, no delay, the game keeps flowing. David Alaba drops the defender with a fake shot. Clever as you like.

The free kick from Joshua Kimmich is a dangerous one, Toni Polster meets it on the volley inside the six-yard box. Toni Polster loses his duel in the air on the cross, the opponent got better positioning. SAVE from Alex Manninger! The attacker had a go but the keeper produced a MONUMENTAL hand.

What a result against Barranquilla Toque-Toque! Alex Manninger walks over to the travelling support, puts his hand on his heart, and bows. David Alaba follows and throws his boots into the crowd. Some lad in row G is going home with a size 9 souvenir. Scenes. Sharon from Basildon says two hundred and six Percy Pigs, which she verified personally last Saturday. Primark bag and all, she's the winner! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-1 (L)

The ball from Javier Zanetti rips through the defensive curtain, David Alaba is flying into the space like an arrow. David Alaba looks at the keeper, sees the angle, and places his shot! It is in, IT IS A GREAT GOAL!

Javier Zanetti mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Joshua Kimmich raises Javier Zanetti's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Alex Manninger plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

Javier Zanetti clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive. Foul by Michael Olise, he had to make that challenge to stop the break. Tactical.

Blistering run from Lothar Matthäus on the wing, the defender is chasing but never catches up. Lothar Matthäus dives in the penalty area, hoping to con the referee. Not today, son. Lothar Matthäus booked for simulation, he was looking for a penalty and found a yellow card instead. Lothar Matthäus plays a low free kick into the box, Michael Olise cuts across to meet it in front of goal.

Alex Manninger hoofs it forward towards Herbert Prohaska, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Wing switch from Herbert Prohaska, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Jérôme Boateng brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Cross from Jérôme Boateng, he puts it on the far post for Javier Zanetti. Javier Zanetti tries a powerful cross but the defender is there and blocks everything.

No let-up now, balls raining into the penalty area nonstop. Everything on the line, Alex Manninger is up, nothing to lose now. What a leap from Jérôme Boateng! He rises above the lot and wins the header with royal composure. Jérôme Boateng slides it to Javier Zanetti, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

The dressing room is silent apart from the fizz of isotonic drinks being opened and the squeak of boots on tiles. Michael Olise is biting {his} nails in the corner. Alex Manninger stares at the ceiling like it holds the answers to everything. The gaffer lets the silence do its work before delivering his half-time talk. Javier Zanetti once tweeted 'rate my Sunday roast' and the entire internet destroyed the 53-year-old for putting the Yorkshire puddings on a separate plate. The tweet was deleted within eleven minutes. And now, our TV game show Bargain Hunt for Socks! To win a multipack of sensible socks from Primark, text 0800SOCK and answer: 'How many odd socks does the average British household have at any given time?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Toni Polster leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Sergio Ramos lays it off first time to Michael Olise, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Michael Olise keeps it short to Andreas Herzog, no frills, just good football intelligence. Andreas Herzog takes on the defender in tight quarters and comes out on top. Pure talent. Andreas Herzog tries to dribble in too tight a space and gets the ball nicked off him.

What a SHAMBLES in the box after Lothar Matthäus's corner! Bodies everywhere, somehow the defense holds! Sergio Ramos boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there. Sterile football, looks like a testimonial out there.

Sergio Ramos launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. Emergency clearance from Sergio Ramos, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe. Herbert Prohaska tries to get up for the duel but the attacker beats him to the header. The timing was off. Jérôme Boateng sends a furious header but the ball sails over the bar. So close yet so far.

Unbelievable! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa score from nowhere. Their striker just smashed it in.

Joshua Kimmich bounces off Sergio Ramos, gets it back in stride, and it is done. The kind of combination that makes football beautiful. One laser pass from Joshua Kimmich and the entire defence is eliminated, Michael Olise is through on goal. The space is enormous. Michael Olise is given offside by the width of a bootlace, David Alaba is shaking his head. Short distribution from Alex Manninger to Joshua Kimmich, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. Aerial duel won by Joshua Kimmich, he absolutely dominates in the air against the defender.

David Alaba reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. Sideways ball from David Alaba to Herbert Prohaska, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Herbert Prohaska looks for Toni Polster with a ball in behind but it is massively overhit. The opposition keeper collects without moving. They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass.

Draw against Montevideo Garra-Charrúa. Herbert Prohaska kisses the club badge as he passes the home end — a gesture for the fans, regardless. Sergio Ramos does the same. The squad stays tight, the season rolls on. Nights like this, you close ranks. Janet from Wolverhampton says twenty-three odd socks at minimum and that's a conservative estimate. Primark multipack for Janet! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

2-2 (L)

GOAAAL! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío make it count! Sliced through us like a hot knife through butter.

Alex Manninger kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Michael Olise takes a knee behind him. Alex Manninger raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Wall combination between David Alaba and Toni Polster, fluid, rapid, and it creates an overload going forward. GOOOOL from David Alaba! Massive right-footed strike, the ball almost rips the net off. GOOOOAL!

David Alaba legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Toni Polster tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Disaster! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

Quick one-two between Javier Zanetti and Lothar Matthäus, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Low cut-back from Lothar Matthäus, Andreas Herzog arrives at pace and can hit it first time. Andreas Herzog winds up and FIIIIRES! Placed strike, the ball slides into the bottom corner, OPENING GOAAAAL!

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment Javier Zanetti strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. Herbert Prohaska points at it, jaw on the floor. Alex Manninger shakes his head, not believing it.

Rainbow flick from Toni Polster, he clips the ball over the defender with his heel. The crowd erupts. Lovely use of the ball by Toni Polster, finding Lothar Matthäus in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Shifting pass from Lothar Matthäus to Michael Olise, the ball drifts into the free zone and Michael Olise is onto it in two strides.

Studious atmosphere in the dressing room. The coach has his tablet out, replaying clips: "Look, David Alaba, there is acres of space on the overlap and you go back inside every time. Use the width." David Alaba takes the note. The game is there for the taking if they can just find the key. Quite remarkable — Lothar Matthäus got into a heated argument at a car boot sale over a secondhand George Foreman grill. Apparently he haggled for twenty minutes, paid three quid, and considers it the greatest negotiation of his career. The man is 65 years old. And now, our TV game show Taskmaster of the Obvious! To win a laminated bus timetable from 2019, text 4678 and answer: 'How early should you arrive at a bus stop to guarantee the bus has already left?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Sergio Ramos is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Tight-knit defense, compact shape, the opposition has to shoot from distance. They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. Powerful run from Andreas Herzog down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there. Andreas Herzog looks up and swings in a floated cross, Herbert Prohaska rises among the defenders. Cross from Herbert Prohaska far too long, the ball flies through the entire box without finding anyone.

Ball stolen and released forward, it's an absolute rocket of a counter. Overlap from Michael Olise on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed. Neat lay-off from Michael Olise for Jérôme Boateng in the box, the ball is on a plate, clean as a whistle. Jérôme Boateng unleashes an ABSOLUUUUTE CANNON! On target but the keeper gets a strong hand to it. Corner.

Line-breaking pass from Andreas Herzog! The ball slices through the centre-halves and Toni Polster picks it up at full pace. Devastating. Toni Polster thought he'd timed it perfectly, but the linesman disagrees. Offside on Jérôme Boateng's pass. Alex Manninger goes long for Sergio Ramos, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Sergio Ramos sniffs out the danger and produces a wonderfully timed challenge. Not a hint of a foul.

The corner from Lothar Matthäus is cut out at the near post by a defender, no danger. Monumental ball from Herbert Prohaska to Jérôme Boateng, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Overlap from Jérôme Boateng with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel. The dribble from Jérôme Boateng fools nobody, the defender collects comfortably. Classy interception from Herbert Prohaska, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time.

David Alaba sees the gap and puts the ball right through it. Toni Polster is racing into the channel, the defence is watching the train leave the station. Toni Polster is flagged and it's the tightest of calls, David Alaba's pass was beautifully weighted too. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare. David Alaba feeds Sergio Ramos in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling.

Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. Majestic individual run from Lothar Matthäus, he cuts through the pitch like an arrow. Lothar Matthäus shapes up and hits it, just wide but it grazed the bar. The technique was there, the finish just wasn't. Alex Manninger distributes by hand to Herbert Prohaska on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Herbert Prohaska wins the aerial battle against the attacker, he jumped earlier, higher, and stronger. Total domination.

Michael Olise pings a long diagonal to Sergio Ramos, completely shifts the point of attack. Magnificent shift from Sergio Ramos! Javier Zanetti picks it up in space, no marker in sight, the pitch is his. Javier Zanetti takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race. Cut-back from Javier Zanetti, the ball zips across the box at ground level to Michael Olise.

Points shared. Joshua Kimmich sits on the grass for a full minute, staring up at the floodlights. Andreas Herzog crouches beside him: "Come on mate, let's get inside. Tuesday's another game." Long season. Draws happen. Nobody's thrilled, nobody's devastated. Leonard from Barnsley says fifteen minutes early guarantees the bus left fourteen minutes ago. Laminated timetable for Leonard! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

2-1 (W)

Absolutely immense from Javier Zanetti! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back. Lightning counter, striker's away on his bike and the defence is chasing shadows. GOOOAL! Michael Olise onto the pass from Herbert Prohaska produces a lob for the AGES! The keeper is beaten through the air, the ball descends slowly and nestles in the net. BEAUTIFUL, GRAND, MAGNIFICENT!

Javier Zanetti runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Joshua Kimmich gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

High recovery from Joshua Kimmich, he ran himself into the ground to go and win that ball. The defender never saw him coming. Possession flipped in a heartbeat, textbook transition football. GOOOOOAL! Herbert Prohaska turns into a FOX in the box! The ball was loose, he prods it in, simple as that!

Monster clearance from Alex Manninger, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Herbert Prohaska. Aerial duel lost by Herbert Prohaska, he was nudged in the back and could not get a proper jump in. Alex Manninger stretches horizontally and tips the shot away with an extended arm. Cat-like! Corner from Lothar Matthäus, header from Herbert Prohaska at the penalty spot but it is off target. He should have scored.

Michael Olise pulls out a backheel nutmeg in open play, the ball goes through the defender's legs with the heel. WOOOW Michael Olise launches a missile! On target, the ball is fizzing but the keeper tips it around the post!

Oh the keeper comes out and misses Andreas Herzog's corner! Scramble on the line, a defender hacks it away! Almighty boot from Toni Polster who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe. Frustration boiling over in the stands, going in circles for ten minutes. Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. The away end has gone ominously quiet, this side is on top now.

Alex Manninger is planning the celebration already. "If I score in the second half, I am doing the knee slide right in front of their lot," {he} tells David Alaba, who replies: "Last time you tried that you pulled your hamstring." The dressing room erupts. The gaffer shakes his head. "Just score the goal, we will worry about the celebration later." Now this is properly British — Lothar Matthäus once spent an entire bank holiday Monday sitting in a car park in the rain, eating a Cornish pasty and listening to TalkSport. When asked why, he simply said 'because it's a bank holiday.' The lad is 65 and gets it. And now, our TV game show Motorway Service Station Bingo! To win a Costa loyalty card with one stamp, text 4567 and answer: 'What is the minimum price of a sandwich at a motorway services?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Toni Polster wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

David Alaba launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out. Royal interception from Javier Zanetti! He positions himself in the passing corridor and plucks the ball out of thin air. Massive clearance from Javier Zanetti, just get the ball as far away as possible. The opposition defenders could grab a brew, nothing is happening.

Superb defensive work from David Alaba there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal. Toni Polster tries the curler... it bends beautifully but slides just past the post. AGONISING. The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. They're turning this into a siege, the keeper's going to be busy.

Lothar Matthäus gives it to Joshua Kimmich who returns it first time, Lothar Matthäus ghosts past his man like he does not exist. Lothar Matthäus accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides. Foul by Lothar Matthäus in the middle of the park, breaks up a promising move. Lothar Matthäus combines with Andreas Herzog from the free kick, the little pass takes the wall out of the equation.

It's in! Rio Malandro FC take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

Alex Manninger and Jérôme Boateng do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Alex Manninger arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

Lothar Matthäus plants his studs on the attacker's ankle. That's as bad as it gets. Booking for Lothar Matthäus. Went in high with the forearm, the opponent felt that. Free kick swung in by Lothar Matthäus, the ball travels across the six-yard box and Joshua Kimmich is lurking. Aerial duel won by Joshua Kimmich in his own box. He took the lift to the top floor and cleaned up everything.

Alex Manninger rolls it short to Lothar Matthäus into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. With one swing of the boot, Lothar Matthäus finds Toni Polster on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. Toni Polster delivers a tidy ball to Herbert Prohaska, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work.

Full time, full joy! Lothar Matthäus walks the entire touchline high-fiving every fan who leans over the barrier. Jérôme Boateng carries a little kid onto the pitch for a photo — nobody's sure whose kid it is, but everyone's smiling. Rio Malandro FC are yesterday's news. Tony from Warwick says eight pounds fifty for a cheese sandwich the size of a postage stamp. Costa loyalty card for Tony! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

2-1 (W)

Surging run from Herbert Prohaska from the centre circle, he destroys everything in his path. What a spectacle. Herbert Prohaska storms into the box and the defender UNBALANCES him! The referee awards a penalty! The player gets up, the stadium is SILENT, everyone is holding their breath. Penalty from Herbert Prohaska! He fires it hard under the bar, the keeper was on the right line but it was TOO POWERFUL. GOAL!

Herbert Prohaska sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. Jérôme Boateng snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. Alex Manninger waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

Javier Zanetti with a trademark slide tackle, gets the ball and pops straight back up. The fans are on their feet! They're away in transition, pace to burn, it's like watching a freight train. Herbert Prohaska spots the keeper off his line and tries the LOB! It clears him! GOAL! The ball sails over the keeper by an inch and drops just behind him. The AUDACITY of that finish, that is OUTRAGEOUS!

Solidarity move: Javier Zanetti grabs Michael Olise who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Michael Olise a standing ovation right through to the restart.

One touch football: David Alaba to Javier Zanetti, faster than the opposition can think. The opponent is bundled over by Javier Zanetti. Not much in it, but the whistle goes. Booking for Javier Zanetti, the niggling fouls have caught up with him at last. Free kick from Javier Zanetti... into the wall. The wall didn't flinch. Massive clearance from Jérôme Boateng in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished.

Ferocious press from Michael Olise! He sticks to the carrier, hounds him, and ends up winning the ball. The dirty work that makes great players. Michael Olise plays it into the channel for Javier Zanetti, the defensive line is split clean in two. That is pure filth. Javier Zanetti aims for Michael Olise but the ball is deflected off an opponent's foot. Pass cut out. What positioning from Javier Zanetti! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts. Javier Zanetti boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go.

Jérôme Boateng with a last-gasp tackle that saves the day! Gets everything on the ball and nothing on the man. Heroic stuff. Brilliant switch of play from Jérôme Boateng! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Michael Olise. Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed.

Pie and Bovril vibes in the dressing room. The gaffer has drawn one arrow on the whiteboard and written underneath it: "Same again." Andreas Herzog is leaning back with {his} feet up, 185 cm of pure relaxation. Javier Zanetti is refuelling on jelly babies. Life is good when the scoreboard is in your favour. A wonderful anecdote — Jérôme Boateng once got lost in an IKEA for two and a half hours. Had to be rescued by staff near the bedroom section. He was 38 at the time and insists the store moved the exits. Classic British Saturday gone wrong. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 1999 and answer this question: 'How long is a piece of string if the string is lying?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Lothar Matthäus leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Oh dear oh dear! Istanbul Cehennem FK score and the dugout is fuming. Rightly so.

Michael Olise unleashes a raking ball out to Joshua Kimmich, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Joshua Kimmich weights his pass into the space for Michael Olise who collects at full pace without breaking stride. Perfection. Andreas Herzog launches a long ball for Michael Olise, but he's well offside. Defence did well. Alex Manninger plays out from the back with Jérôme Boateng, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. Burst of speed from Jérôme Boateng, he devours the left flank in a matter of seconds. Impressive.

The block is set up beautifully, compact, disciplined, nothing getting through. Alex Manninger closes the angle with his legs and the strike rebounds off him! The keeper is A WALL! Alex Manninger opts for the short option to David Alaba, keeping possession, building play, no panic.

Free kick from Michael Olise delivered with pace, David Alaba finds himself in space at the far post. The cross from David Alaba is blocked by a defender in the box. The defence holds firm.

Michael Olise slips Herbert Prohaska in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Flash wall from Sergio Ramos for Herbert Prohaska who had started the run before even passing the ball. Insane anticipation. The defence holds its line and Herbert Prohaska is caught offside from Michael Olise's ball over the top. Alex Manninger boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Toni Polster! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Toni Polster slides into the passing lane and nicks the ball. The opposition does not know what just happened.

Alex Manninger plays it along the ground to Andreas Herzog, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. Switch from Andreas Herzog! The ball arcs over the midfield and Michael Olise collects it on the other side. Stretching the play. Michael Olise releases Sergio Ramos with a ball into space on the left. The defence is sliding across but they are too late. Sergio Ramos gets to the byline and cuts it back low, Andreas Herzog just needs to sidefoot it home. Andreas Herzog with an absolutely perfect sliding tackle, takes the ball right off the attacker's toes. Nothing given, play on!

What a result against Istanbul Cehennem FK! Alex Manninger walks over to the travelling support, puts his hand on his heart, and bows. Joshua Kimmich follows and throws his boots into the crowd. Some lad in row G is going home with a size 9 souvenir. Scenes. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Pauline Drizzle-Hatch, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How long is a piece of string if the string is lying?'. The answer was of course it claims to be six feet but it's really only four, the dishonest thread. Pauline wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-0 (W)

They've broken at pace and the back line is nowhere to be seen. Telepathic pass from Michael Olise to Lothar Matthäus, like they rehearsed it at breakfast. The ball fizzes in behind the defence. Lothar Matthäus lobs the keeper and it is GOAL! The audacity to attempt that finish at THIS moment of the match is what makes GREAT players. Perfect lob, perfect trajectory, PERFECT goal!

Long kick from Alex Manninger, Sergio Ramos positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Sergio Ramos explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening. Chipped cross from Sergio Ramos over the defence, David Alaba is underneath it. That is a killer ball.

The intensity has gone up several notches, this is magnificent. Aggressive high press, the opposition keeper is already sweating. Oh what a challenge! Jérôme Boateng goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. Enormous clearance from Jérôme Boateng inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it.

Michael Olise plays the free kick quickly to Sergio Ramos, they catch the defence napping. OHHH Sergio Ramos strikes and it goes just wide! The post was trembling! Sterile stuff this, pass after pass going nowhere fast. Toni Polster tries his luck and puts it on the third tier. The crowd give him an ironic round of applause.

Team goes on the counter but the final pass is too short, all wasted. Lothar Matthäus picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train. Lobbed cross from Lothar Matthäus, it sails over the entire back four and David Alaba is there behind. Brilliant. Lovely high take from Alex Manninger! He owns his box, the attacker had no time to even jump. Alex Manninger sends an absolute rocket towards Jérôme Boateng, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch.

The coach gathers the lads round: "Listen, we are in a great position. But this lot do not lie down, so keep your heads screwed on." Joshua Kimmich claps once, loud, and shouts "Come on then!" like {he} is leading the charge at Agincourt. The energy is electric. These lads are well up for the second half. A scouting report from Michael Olise's youth days says — and I quote — 'technically raw, but can eat a full Sunday roast in under eight minutes.' That kind of efficiency translates to the pitch. He's now 25 and hasn't slowed down at the dinner table. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Bedtime! To win a Premier Inn king-size pillow, text 3345 and answer: 'What time does a British person start complaining about the weather each morning?' They are back. Herbert Prohaska salutes the travelling fans with a raised fist before taking {his} spot. The faithful respond in kind. Second half. Bring it on.

Toni Polster overlaps on the wing with frightening ease, the defender is made to look silly. Looping cross from Toni Polster, it sails over the centre-halves and drops towards Michael Olise. Danger. Cross from Michael Olise intercepted by the centre-half, the defence is alert. Panicked clearance from Michael Olise, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done.

Free kick from Lothar Matthäus, lovely delivery and Toni Polster rises above the defence. Toni Polster goes up to the heavens and comes back down with the ball. Aerial duel won, total domination, the opposition can pack their bags. Good ball from Toni Polster to Michael Olise, playing it quick between the lines. Michael Olise wins the ball back high up the pitch after an outrageous press. The defender crumbled under the pressure.

Sergio Ramos goes crossfield to Joshua Kimmich, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Cross from Joshua Kimmich off the left, the ball travels across the entire six-yard box and finds Herbert Prohaska at the far side. Alex Manninger repels the attempt with a reflex save! Clinical, clean, absolutely enormous. Toni Polster heads the corner from Lothar Matthäus at the back post, it goes wide. Close but not close enough.

The referee POINTS to the penalty spot! David Alaba has been clipped at the feet inside the box. No argument, it is a penalty! The stadium is holding its collective BREATH! OVER THE BAR! David Alaba sends the penalty into the stands! Absolute disaster!

Alex Manninger lumps it long towards Toni Polster, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. Magnificent tackle from Toni Polster! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Toni Polster feeds Michael Olise in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. WHAT A SHAME for Michael Olise! Thunderous strike that flashes just past the upright.

Massive win over Milano Piano-Piano! Andreas Herzog is the last man off the pitch, soaking in every last decibel. The ground's half-empty but the noise is still deafening. Javier Zanetti pops his head out of the tunnel: "Oi, the pizza's getting cold!" Priorities. Graham from Harrogate says half six and honestly we all agree. He's off to Premier Inn with his brand new pillow. And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

2-1 (W)

Javier Zanetti goes to ground and absolutely nails the tackle. Ball won, danger cleared, crowd on their feet. Broken at speed, the lads have bombed forward like their lives depend on it. Oh the TOUCH from Toni Polster! SUBLIME lob! The keeper is ten yards off his line, Toni Polster spots it, chips the ball and it drops right into the goal. MASTERPIECE!

Javier Zanetti kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Toni Polster takes a knee behind him. Alex Manninger raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Strikers making run after run, long balls flying in every time. Andreas Herzog rises on the delivery from Herbert Prohaska and powers a furious header into the net!

Jérôme Boateng rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Javier Zanetti. The far side is completely deserted. Brilliant opening from Javier Zanetti for Lothar Matthäus, frees up the entire left flank. Driven cross from Lothar Matthäus into the box, Javier Zanetti arrives at full pace at the near post. This smells like a goal.

It's hit the back of the net! Sevilla Olé-Olé lead and we look completely lost.

Solid as a rock, the block holds under pressure. What a rush out from Alex Manninger! He narrows the angle and smothers the shot at the feet. Alex Manninger smashes a volley towards Toni Polster, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Massive diagonal from Toni Polster! David Alaba receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards.

The gaffer sits down, crosses his arms, and just watches the lads for a moment. Lothar Matthäus is chatting with Alex Manninger about holiday plans. Someone is throwing grapes into someone else's mouth. The staff are relaxed, the players are relaxed. "Right, let us not get complacent," the boss finally says. "But well played. Seriously." Now Jérôme Boateng — and this is absolutely true — once entered a Wetherspoons curry club night and ate three lamb bhuna in a single sitting. At 192, the man is essentially a furnace. The manager gave him a round of applause and a free pint. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 8899 and answer this question: 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?' Back on the pitch and Alex Manninger is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

Video review underway, players catching their breath, supporters on the edge of their seats. Incredible tension. VAR shows just how bad the challenge was, David Alaba is sent to the dressing room! Unbelievable scenes! David Alaba has kicked out at the opponent off the ball. He's been sent off. David Alaba plays the free kick back to Sergio Ramos, they are looking for the shooting angle.

Sharp turn from Andreas Herzog, the defender is sat down. Someone call an ambulance. The attacker tries to sprint past but Andreas Herzog grabs the waistband, foul! Yellow shown to Andreas Herzog, he brought down the man rather than let him play the through ball. Andreas Herzog shapes to shoot but plays it short to Toni Polster, the defence is caught flat-footed.

Quick one-two between Toni Polster and Javier Zanetti, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Careless distribution from Javier Zanetti, the ball lands straight at an opponent's feet. The kind of pass that costs you. Huge interception from Sergio Ramos! He cuts out the pass and drives forward. The kind of action that never shows up in the stats but changes the whole match. Sergio Ramos feeds Javier Zanetti in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Lay-off from Javier Zanetti to Lothar Matthäus, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan.

Herbert Prohaska gives it to Andreas Herzog into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Andreas Herzog has a go but the shot is deflected! The defender took the ball full in the chest. Corner from Sergio Ramos, the ball travels across the box but a defender clears at the far post. Lifesaving clearance from Andreas Herzog! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters.

The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. Lothar Matthäus pings a ridiculous diagonal to Joshua Kimmich. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Joshua Kimmich is beaten in the air, the opponent rises above him with authority. That is tough to take. Jérôme Boateng lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war. Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper.

It's over and we've won it! Alex Manninger grabs the corner flag and plants it at the centre spot like he's claiming new territory. David Alaba pretends to salute. The fans are in absolute stitches. The manager pretends to be annoyed but you can see him smirking. Top, top scenes. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Keith Drizzleton, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?'. The answer was of course 4.7 kilonewtons, enough to demolish a conversation but not enough to get served at the bar. Keith wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

2-2 (L)

And it's a goal! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein punish us for that sloppy defending. Heads will roll.

Lothar Matthäus feeds Herbert Prohaska in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. GOOOOAL from Herbert Prohaska! MASTERFUL long-range strike, the ball traces a perfect line and ends in the net!

Sergio Ramos anticipates the pass and intercepts cleanly. The opposition midfielder thought he had found the gap, but it was a trap. Sergio Ramos beats man after man and drives forward on his own, opponents are scattered like skittles. Sergio Ramos takes his time to aim, looks at the keeper, and SHOOTS! On target, in the net, GOOOOAL!

Ruthless press, the opposition can't hold the ball for two seconds. High recovery from Toni Polster, he forced the error by hounding the carrier relentlessly. The kind of effort that the stats do not show but that wins football matches. Toni Polster sets it for Herbert Prohaska, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating.

Alex Manninger plays it short to Andreas Herzog, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Andreas Herzog plays the simple ball to Lothar Matthäus, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll.

The gaffer pulls up München Ordnung-Muss-Sein's shape on the screen: "See how high their line is? One ball over the top and we are in. Alex Manninger, you have the pace. David Alaba, you have the vision. Put it together and we are laughing." It sounds simple. Football always sounds simple at halftime. Doing it is the hard part. A little fun fact for you — Alex Manninger, all 189 of him, once entered a village conker championship in Lower Piddle and made it to the semi-finals. He was disqualified for soaking his conker in vinegar, which frankly shows the sort of competitive edge you want in a footballer. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 6677 and answer this question: 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?' Jérôme Boateng leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

Driven kick from Alex Manninger to Toni Polster, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Toni Polster powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go. Toni Polster tries the cross but it is completely off target, ends up going out for a throw. What composure from Alex Manninger! He climbs, gathers the cross and restarts play. The danger has passed. Massive punt from Alex Manninger, sends the ball sixty yards, Andreas Herzog is scrapping for it up top.

The free kick from Andreas Herzog clears the defence and finds Herbert Prohaska in the danger area. Herbert Prohaska beats the attacker with a commanding header, he went up like a lift and came back down with the ball. The boss. Herbert Prohaska winds up and FIIIIRES! On target! But the keeper pushes it away for a corner.

Andreas Herzog gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side. Absolutely disgraceful from Andreas Herzog. Not a shred of contact and he's writhing on the floor. Andreas Herzog earns a yellow card for diving, you reap what you sow on the pitch. The free kick from Andreas Herzog is floated in, Herbert Prohaska makes his run to the back post.

They've scored! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein break the deadlock and the momentum has completely shifted.

Alex Manninger spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Lothar Matthäus gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Jérôme Boateng swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Toni Polster, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Toni Polster wins the header and flicks it on for Lothar Matthäus. He took the elevator while the rest were queuing for the stairs. Big clearance from Toni Polster under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line. Jérôme Boateng dominates his marker in the air, powerful header to clear the danger. He is the king of the aerial game. Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly.

Joshua Kimmich sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Toni Polster. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere. Andreas Herzog drops a lollipop in behind the defence, Michael Olise read the play perfectly and finds himself one on one. Devastating burst of pace from Michael Olise, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank.

Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. Toni Polster leans into the opponent and sends him off balance. Free kick. Yellow card. Toni Polster racked up too many fouls, the ref couldn't let it slide anymore. Toni Polster's free kick crashes into the wall. They jumped at the right moment. Long ball from Alex Manninger for Lothar Matthäus who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy.

Points shared with München Ordnung-Muss-Sein. Alex Manninger slumps against the corner flag for a few seconds before pulling himself up. Lothar Matthäus has a chinwag with their number 10 — old pals from the academy days. Football brings people together, even when nobody's really won. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Brenda Sogbottom, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?'. The answer was of course three consecutive drizzles, as defined by the Met Office Dampness Protocol of 1991. Brenda wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

2-1 (W)

They're going for broke, nothing can stop them now. Mad scenes, Alex Manninger sprinting to the halfway line to get back up in time. GOOOOL from Joshua Kimmich! MAJESTIC angled header on the cross from Toni Polster, the ball brushes the post and is in!

Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. Herbert Prohaska catches everyone off guard with a solo burst, he is unstoppable. GOOOOOOL from Herbert Prohaska! On the pass from Lothar Matthäus, he curls it with the right foot and beats the keeper at the far post!

Herbert Prohaska does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Alex Manninger launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Alex Manninger arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. Lothar Matthäus finds Joshua Kimmich between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Brilliant cut-back from Joshua Kimmich along the grass for Lothar Matthäus. That is an absolute peach of a ball. Lothar Matthäus trips over his own feet in front of the empty net! Joshua Kimmich had done it all, what an absolute waste. The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it.

Michael Olise lays it off first time to Jérôme Boateng, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Jérôme Boateng squares it back for Sergio Ramos, low and hard across the six-yard box, just needs a tap in.

Alex Manninger catapults the ball towards Sergio Ramos from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. Interception from Sergio Ramos who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of Sergio Ramos. One touch football: Sergio Ramos to Joshua Kimmich, faster than the opposition can think.

Joshua Kimmich starts a chant and within seconds the whole dressing room joins in. Boots stamping, hands clapping, proper old-school dressing room stuff. Jérôme Boateng conducts like it is the Last Night of the Proms. The gaffer lets it go for thirty seconds then kills it: "Save the singing for the pub tonight. We have still got a job to do." Now here's a proper one — Toni Polster was caught by paparazzi doing a big shop in Aldi at half ten at night. Trolley full of knock-off biscuits and frozen pizzas. At 187, the man clearly needs his fuel, and he's not paying Waitrose prices for it. And now, our TV game show Pointless Gestures! To win a royal family commemorative tea towel set, text 0800CROWN and answer: 'How many corgis can fit in a single Buckingham Palace corridor?' And we are back underway! Jérôme Boateng jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. Pass into no-man's land from Toni Polster, nobody on the end of it, the ball rolls straight to the opposition. Gift. David Alaba sprints at the defender and pinches the ball right off his toes. Aggressive pressing, decisive recovery.

What a disaster! London Three-Pints score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Alex Manninger is at the centre, lifted up by Joshua Kimmich and Alex Manninger, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. London Three-Pints's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

Roulette from Joshua Kimmich on his marker, the skill is magnificent, the crowd goes wild! Failed dribble from Joshua Kimmich, he tried to do too much and the defender capitalises. Sergio Ramos mistimes the tackle and catches the opponent's shin. Free kick. Sergio Ramos sends an inswinging free kick in, Andreas Herzog rises for the header at the far post.

David Alaba cleans up with a magnificent sliding tackle, wins possession, and plays it forward. That's the complete defensive action. David Alaba slides it to Jérôme Boateng, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Long ball from Jérôme Boateng to Michael Olise, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing.

Change of flanks from David Alaba, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Javier Zanetti. Javier Zanetti tries to find David Alaba but it is nowhere near him. Sloppy stuff. David Alaba goes to war in the opposition half and comes back with the ball. Pressing is a battle, and David Alaba just won it. Counter-attack fires off the blocks, blistering pace from the front three. Joshua Kimmich has a go but it drifts to the right of goal. Not far away though.

Andreas Herzog presses high and picks off the sloppy pass from the defender. When you bring that intensity, the opposition errors come thick and fast. Andreas Herzog unleashes a fierce drive, it's GOIIIIING... wide. Clips the post on the way out though. A thousand passes ending with a backpass to the keeper, utterly frustrating. Sergio Ramos frees up the entire channel for Herbert Prohaska with a ball into space. The defence is caught on the wrong foot. Low cut-back from Herbert Prohaska, the ball threads between the defender's legs and reaches David Alaba.

Brilliant! Sergio Ramos goes straight to the family section, finds his people in the crowd, and blows kisses with both hands. Alex Manninger photobombs from behind with the daftest grin you've ever seen. The post-match interview can wait — this is what football's about. Philippa from Henley-on-Thames says at least fourteen corgis comfortably and twenty at a push. The tea towel set is hers! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'