My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇦🇺

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

87-132 (L)

Small thing, a jump ball, but Kylian Mbappé winning that tip means we set the tone. Coaches script that first play for a reason.

Bucket for Detroit Engine-Roar. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Michael Jordan flies at a jump shooter thirty feet from the rim and lands on his hip. Three shots coming.

Michael Jordan gives it up to Kevin Durant on the move, the built-in screen erases the chase, and there is a clean runway to the rim. Two defenders in the lane, Kevin Durant splits them, double clutches and kisses it off the square. Count it!

Kevin Durant runs the baseline high-fiving every hand hanging over the rail, all the way to the corner and back. It takes forever. Play is waiting on him. Nobody in the building wants it to stop, including, visibly, the officials.

Cold blooded from Detroit Engine-Roar, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Halftime! Kylian Mbappé has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Anecdote: Kylian Mbappé lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. And now, our halftime TV game show The Gong Show Is Broken! To win a fishing rod with no reel and a badly bent tip, text HOOPS to 555-0781 and answer this question: 'How long is one minute during the fourth quarter?' We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.

That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Michael Jordan the moment he crosses half court. OHHHH! Michael Jordan went up looking for a poster and came back down as the punchline.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Detroit Engine-Roar, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Laser from Kevin Durant, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Textbook two-man game: Yao Ming keeps the dribble alive, forces the big man to commit, and Kylian Mbappé rolls into an open runway. Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, Kylian Mbappé fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

Turnover, layup, Detroit Engine-Roar straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Two on one the other way and that is a free deuce all day long... except Yao Ming says absolutely not. The pass is the play here. Yao Ming never even puts the ball on the floor, he just throws it and lets the runners eat. Kevin Durant loses his angle on the baseline and still finds a way to flip it home with the off hand. Bucket!

Detroit Engine-Roar again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Clean feed from Michael Jordan, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Off the pin-down comes the rugby league player with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. AIRBALL! Reece Walsh missed the rim, the backboard and everything in between!

That is five guys on a string and Yao Ming is the knot holding it together, because the corner gets covered behind him too. Contested! Yao Ming makes him change it in midair.

Here comes Kylian Mbappé sprinting off the elbow. Michael Jordan slides it into his pocket and that chase defender is buried. You are about to see a coach put his entire face in both hands, and Kylian Mbappé has earned every second of that reaction.

The crew chief has the headset on, three angles on the screen, everybody in here staring at Michael Jordan. No good! The ball is STILL sitting in the hand of Michael Jordan when that light comes on. Waved off.

Reece Walsh stares at his hands like he doesn't recognize them. Kylian Mbappé exhales. Again. And again. And here is the answer to our game show The Gong Show Is Broken! Gwendolyn Pyle of Half Moon Gulch, Montana, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How long is one minute during the fourth quarter?' The answer was of course somewhere between four and nineteen minutes, depending on the score. Gwendolyn therefore wins a fishing rod with no reel and a badly bent tip! I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

112-86 (W)

The rugby league player just out-jumped a guy half a foot taller for the opening tip. Somebody check the day job again.

Arm across the body, whistle, dead ball. Reach on Yao Ming. He stays out there with five, which tells you how much this coach trusts Yao Ming and how little he trusts anybody else.

Watch the sell from Kevin Durant here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. Soft off the fingertips, the ball takes a full lap of the rim on Kevin Durant, and spits straight back out. That is theft.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Miami Heart-Attack with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Watch the off-ball screen first, that is what frees Kylian Mbappé, and Michael Jordan just has to put it where nobody else can reach it.

Break. Kevin Durant's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Bus driver's confession: Kevin Durant raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. And now, our halftime TV game show Legends of the Hidden Thermostat! To win a snow globe of a town that has never once had snow, text HOOPS to 555-0247 and answer this question: 'Which came first, the tailgate or the truck?' We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Michael Jordan has known that all night long. POCKET PASS! Kevin Durant threads it to Michael Jordan between two bodies and the rim is wide open! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and Michael Jordan is walking back with both hands on his head.

Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Yao Ming makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. OFF THE IRON and halfway to the bench! Kylian Mbappé missed that one with real conviction.

This is the work that never shows up in a box score, and Reece Walsh just took two points off the board without a single stat. Yao Ming rips the rebound and fires it up the sideline, Kevin Durant catches in stride and kisses it off the glass.

The big rolls, the defense collapses, and Michael Jordan punishes it with a read most guys never even see. Gift wrapped by Reece Walsh, and Yao Ming cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting. Hustle play of the night so far. Kylian Mbappé gave up his ribs for one extra possession and the bench is on its feet. BAAAANG! Kylian Mbappé rips the offensive board and puts it right back through!

Kylian Mbappé plants himself in front of the Miami Heart-Attack bench, hands on hips, and simply stands there until somebody says something. Somebody says something. Officials arrive at a jog. A teammate hauls him backward by the waist while the arena begs for more.

Total control. Michael Jordan has this thing on a string. Look how low Reece Walsh keeps that shoulder on the drive, that is how you turn a sliver of space into a walk to the rim. The rugby league player just fired one in from the logo and the roof nearly came off this place. That is in nobody's job description.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Miami Heart-Attack in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

You can argue intent all night long, but there was nothing basketball about what Kevin Durant just did to that shooter.

Michael Jordan does a cartwheel at center court. Reece Walsh tries one too and eats it. And here is the answer to our game Legends of the Hidden Thermostat! Duane Grubbs of Sour Lake Flats, Louisiana, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'Which came first, the tailgate or the truck?' The answer was of course the tailgate, and it waited nineteen years. Duane takes home a snow globe of a town that has never once had snow! Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

104-96 (W)

Push the pace! Michael Jordan grabs it and hits Kevin Durant in stride before the defense can even match up. Hesitate, GO. Kevin Durant is by that hip before the man even blinks. Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, Kevin Durant goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Michael Jordan controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Down screen, and Kylian Mbappé curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. Missed layup for the association football player and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

Foul on the three-point shooter, and it is Kevin Durant. The coach is off the bench with both arms out. OHHH that is a rotten one to pick up. Kevin Durant bumps a cutter out near the logo on a play that threatened nobody.

More second chance points for Orlando Magic-Beans, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Second pass beats the rotation, Michael Jordan to Yao Ming, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. That is the shot Yao Ming wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

The players leave the court. Yao Ming clings to the tunnel railing. Physio's confession: Yao Ming purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. And now, our halftime TV game show Church Picnic Wipeout! To win an above-ground pool ladder with no pool attached, text HOOPS to 555-0158 and answer this question: 'How much popcorn is in a large at the concession stand, honestly?' The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.

Swing, swing, and Kevin Durant finds Michael Jordan on the wing before the help can even turn its head. BAAAANG! Michael Jordan sets the table and the pick-and-pop three goes down like somebody scripted it. BANG! Reece Walsh steps back, creates the daylight, and buries it right in the defender's eye.

One finger to the sky, held there, eyes closed in the middle of all that noise, and Reece Walsh does not move. The arena figures it out and quiets for a beat. Michael Jordan puts a hand on his back and says nothing, then the sound comes back like a wave.

Unselfish basketball. Michael Jordan passes up a good shot and hands Kevin Durant a GREAT one. Twenty-four seconds of standing around, and Kevin Durant has to eat the last two of them. Possession wasted long before the shot went up.

Dagger from Orlando Magic-Beans. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Michael Jordan eats the contact so Yao Ming can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. Yao Ming attacks the baseline, the big man steps up to meet him, and it does not matter one bit. FILTHY.

Yao Ming freezes in his follow-through, wrist still hanging, and holds it while the Orlando Magic-Beans coach burns a timeout out of pure desperation. He holds it through the whistle. He holds it into the huddle. The cameras eat every single second of it.

That crossover was not about getting a shot up. Michael Jordan pulled it out to tell everybody in the gym whose possession this is. Wrapped up the arm on the gather, plain as day. Michael Jordan gets two, and the bench is already standing. No wasted motion at all from Michael Jordan. Both free throws split the net and the scoreboard ticks over twice.

Yao Ming splits the coverage with a bounce pass you need slow motion to appreciate. Dimes. Two points left on the floor by Kevin Durant, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth. Another extra possession courtesy of the rugby league player, a man who evidently boxes out at work too. Some habits do not clock out. Reece Walsh crashes the glass, snatches that miss out of the air and hammers it home. Onions!

The defender wants to reach and does not dare. Michael Jordan keeps the ball on the back hip, chin up, counting down.

Reece Walsh jumps into Yao Ming's arms without warning. They both go down. And here is the answer to our game Church Picnic Wipeout! Charlene Pigg of Hatchet Handle, North Carolina, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How much popcorn is in a large at the concession stand, honestly?' The answer was of course a medium and a rumor. Charlene takes home an above-ground pool ladder with no pool attached! My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

105-95 (W)

Somewhere there is a shift with the association football player written on it for tomorrow morning. Tonight he is out here erasing shots. One hand, full court, Kylian Mbappé hits Reece Walsh in stride and the crowd is already up. There is no finesse in that, and there does not need to be. Reece Walsh simply decided the paint belonged to him.

Michael Jordan rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT! You want to know why this team keeps winning the possession battle? Yao Ming treats every miss like it belongs to him. The extra pass! Yao Ming had the look, gave it up anyway, and Reece Walsh buries it. BANG! Stepback three from the rugby league player, ice in his veins. You cannot teach that, and apparently you cannot keep it out of the workforce either.

Hands out, palms up, Reece Walsh shrugs at the officials like he cannot explain what he just did either. Dry as a bone. Kylian Mbappé is doubled over at half court and the broadcast crew is howling. It goes viral before the next possession even starts.

That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Michael Jordan does. OHHHH what a FINISH from Michael Jordan! Hanging, hanging, and laying it high off the glass on the way down!

Michael Jordan plants himself in front of the Philadelphia Injury-Report bench, hands on hips, and simply stands there until somebody says something. Somebody says something. Officials arrive at a jog. A teammate hauls him backward by the waist while the arena begs for more.

NO! Kylian Mbappé fouls a shooter behind the arc. Three free throws. That is malpractice. Five fouls on the association football player. One more bump and he goes back to being just a guy with a normal job.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Philadelphia Injury-Report with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Both teams head to the locker room. Reece Walsh wipes his forehead with his jersey. Little scoop: Reece Walsh logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. And now, our halftime TV game show American Idle! To win a two-year subscription to a newsletter about gravel, text HOOPS to 555-0059 and answer this question: 'What is the recommended number of nacho cheese pumps per tray?' Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.

Set called, Reece Walsh waved out to the corner, and Michael Jordan watches the spacing open up like a front door. The other bench sent their best perimeter stopper out on Reece Walsh, and they are learning in real time that it will not be enough tonight. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the rugby league player, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Michael Jordan already has the defense a full step behind. Dribble alive, patient, patient, and then Kevin Durant slips it to Kylian Mbappé right in the pocket. Surgical. The association football player hammers a brick off the backboard so hard the rim is still shaking. Nothing in that resume prepared anybody for this.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Michael Jordan makes it every single trip down the floor. Whirl, and GONE! Reece Walsh leaves the defender grabbing at a jersey that stopped being there half a second ago. The rugby league player launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

The rugby league player just blocked a jump shot into the stands and went back on defense like it was a normal Tuesday. That outlet from Reece Walsh is a weapon, it turns a defensive stop into two points in about three seconds. Get that one framed. Kevin Durant took off from the block and the defender is still lying on the floor.

Kevin Durant crosses his arms into an X, plants his feet at the top of the key and dares somebody to say something. Nobody does. Kylian Mbappé mirrors the pose beside him. Two statues, twenty thousand people screaming, and every camera in the gym pointed at them.

Cold blooded from Philadelphia Injury-Report, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

The defender planted his feet, and Michael Jordan said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. Buzzer on the shot clock, Michael Jordan heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

The rugby league player is parked under the rim while three grown men in stripes squint at a screen. Just another day at the office, apparently. OHHHH the cruelty! Two tenths, and Reece Walsh gets absolutely nothing.

Michael Jordan grabs the arena mic and screams. Just a scream. Reece Walsh applauds. And here is the answer to our game American Idle! Lamar Twitty of Little Sandy Corner, Delaware, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the recommended number of nacho cheese pumps per tray?' The answer was of course three, and anything past three is a lifestyle. Lamar takes home a two-year subscription to a newsletter about gravel! Evening confession: I'm wearing Michael Jordan's jersey under my shirt. For morale. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

111-104 (W)

Textbook two three with Michael Jordan manning the back line, and they have not seen a clean look in three trips. Eight on the shot clock, Yao Ming gets a piece of the entry, and the whole set is dead on arrival.

Michael Jordan comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Michael Jordan!

Reece Walsh gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Michael Jordan saw it a beat early. Ball into Kylian Mbappé at the elbow, Reece Walsh plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. Nobody drew up that arc. The rugby league player floated one halfway to the rafters, and the rim never even got a say.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Phoenix No-Defense with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Ball moves. Kevin Durant to Kylian Mbappé, on time and on target. A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Kylian Mbappé pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. Wide open at the top of the key and Kylian Mbappé cannot make it count, the defense secures the board and takes off in transition.

Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Yao Ming picks up the pace. Fun fact: Yao Ming blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. And now, our halftime TV game show The Bonus Round of Regret! To win a set of curtains printed with enormous cartoon sheep, text HOOPS to 555-1224 and answer this question: 'What is the distance from the free throw line to a lifetime of regret?' Back on the floor, faces full of determination.

Filthy. Absolutely filthy from Michael Jordan, and the defender knows exactly what just happened to him. A timeout is coming, because no defense recovers from watching Michael Jordan do that to one of their own.

Four minutes without a point for Kevin Durant and his group. The offense has completely seized up. Twenty-four seconds, zero shots. Yao Ming holds it, the buzzer sounds, and we give it back without ever testing the rim.

SKIP PASS! Michael Jordan fires it cross court to Yao Ming and the defense is dead in the water! Watch Michael Jordan plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring Yao Ming out of that corner in a blink. They do not teach that footwork anymore, and yet here is Yao Ming running a full masterclass on the low block.

Dagger from Phoenix No-Defense. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

OHHHH that is BEAUTIFUL basketball! Michael Jordan finishes the set and the whole bench is up.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Michael Jordan drops it off to Yao Ming on time and on target. Oldest play in the book, and Yao Ming runs it in his sleep. That drop coverage never had a prayer. A cut with that timing from the rugby league player? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. The rugby league player just dropped a teardrop over a seven footer. Soft hands must run in that trade!

The whole second unit is on the floor before the ball is out of the net. Reece Walsh disappears underneath them. Somewhere in the pile shoe comes off. Yao Ming is on the outside of it screaming straight up at the ceiling.

Both coaches are up off the bench pleading while the officials walk the Michael Jordan sequence back frame by frame. Waved off. Michael Jordan got the entire celebration in before the officials even reached the monitor.

Reece Walsh and Yao Ming form a tunnel for Michael Jordan to crawl through. Too tall. Gets stuck. And here is the answer to our game show The Bonus Round of Regret! Homer Fussell of Poke Salad Crossing, Rhode Island, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the distance from the free throw line to a lifetime of regret?' The answer was of course fifteen feet, same as it has always been, which is the cruel part. Homer therefore wins a set of curtains printed with enormous cartoon sheep! I learned tonight that Reece Walsh used to be a rugby league player. That explains the unique running style. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

106-102 (W)

Help defense from the rugby league player! Somebody in this league is getting paid millions to be a full step slower than that. Filthy defense from Reece Walsh. He never touched a thing and he still won the possession.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Kevin Durant threw it before the help even committed. Handoff, turn the corner, BUCKET! Michael Jordan did all the dirty work on that one. The rugby league player just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! Drop step, jump hook, bucket! Reece Walsh is doing it the old way.

More second chance points for Los Angeles Nursing-Home, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

That is vision. Michael Jordan sees the pocket open for a tenth of a second and puts the ball in it. The big man never even contested it, and Reece Walsh still could not get the runner to drop. That one is on him.

They have to shoot over the top of this thing, and the top of it is a long way up. Filthy work from Kevin Durant.

Halftime whistle. Michael Jordan has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. True story: Michael Jordan walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Los Angeles Nursing-Home. Awkward. And now, our halftime TV game show Name That Casserole! To win a folding chair with one leg noticeably shorter than the others, text HOOPS to 555-0177 and answer this question: 'What is the official state bird of a parking lot?' Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.

OHHHH, what a read by Michael Jordan! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. HAMMER! Kylian Mbappé goes right through the trees and throws it DOWN with the foul!

Backing all the way to half court with three fingers held over each eye, Kylian Mbappé keeps the goggles on for the entire trip. The bench mob copies it in unison. The broadcast cuts to twelve grown men wearing invisible glasses. Peak television, honestly.

Yao Ming launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Left, right, gone. Kevin Durant put that defender on skates and never even looked back. In, around, and gone. The iron gives Kevin Durant nothing.

Dagger from Los Angeles Nursing-Home. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Closeout from Yao Ming like a man chasing a bus. Late, out of control, and right into the shooter's landing space. FIVE on Yao Ming. One more and his night is finished.

Over the top of everybody. Michael Jordan to Yao Ming in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Yao Ming drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. Rising into two defenders, Reece Walsh launches a jumper that finds nothing but backboard and bad decisions.

Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from Yao Ming. Rim out for Yao Ming, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

First option: Michael Jordan. Everything else on that clipboard is decoration. They switched everything, they doubled the corner, they took away the middle, and Kevin Durant still found the two feet of daylight he needed.

Nothing but a nod. Kevin Durant jogs back on defense with his eyes half closed, like the shot was a formality he had penciled in. The entire arena is levitating and he could not look less involved. The Los Angeles Nursing-Home bench looks personally insulted.

Reece Walsh and Michael Jordan share a 30-second hug. Kylian Mbappé wants in. Gets pushed away. And here is the answer to our game Name That Casserole! Bobbie Jo Tatum of Mule Shoe Flats, Texas, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the official state bird of a parking lot?' The answer was of course the seagull, even nine hundred miles inland. Bobbie Jo takes home a folding chair with one leg noticeably shorter than the others! My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

103-106 (L)

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Toronto Border-Patrol with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Nobody gambles less and steals more than Michael Jordan. He does not reach, he anticipates, and that is the whole difference. Rebound, look, gone. Michael Jordan to Kylian Mbappé and this is a footrace now. Somewhere a defender is explaining to his family why the association football player is going to be on the front page tomorrow morning.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Yao Ming breaks a shell down. Right through the window. Kevin Durant to Kylian Mbappé on the roll, and the help was a half step late. The association football player gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Toronto Border-Patrol in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Michael Jordan has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Kylian Mbappé precisely where the play wanted it. One little shoulder dip from Kylian Mbappé and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. Perfect drop-off from Kevin Durant, and Kylian Mbappé answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

The locker room fills up. Kylian Mbappé has already eaten three oranges. Anecdote: Kylian Mbappé threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. And now, our halftime TV game show Scrabble But With Numbers! To win a stack of forty three unread warranty cards, text HOOPS to 555-0736 and answer this question: 'How many numbers are on a jersey that has no numbers?' Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.

Michael Jordan walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. STOP AND GO! Kevin Durant hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. Nobody moved, nobody cut, nobody set a screen, so Kevin Durant launches a contested jumper with the horn already going. Ugly offense.

Total control. Michael Jordan has this thing on a string. Screen, pop, SPLASH! Reece Walsh kicks it out and that thing never touched iron. Contested, off balance, fading away from the wrong shoulder, that is a shot Yao Ming should never take with three teammates standing wide open.

OHHHH the bench is GONE! Towels over heads, bodies off the chairs, all because of Kylian Mbappé! Four live-ball turnovers now for Kevin Durant, and every single one of them has turned into a bucket.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Michael Jordan already has the defense a full step behind. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Yao Ming whips that pass one-handed on the move and the roll man gathers it through contact. Filthy. Kick out to Michael Jordan, one more to Reece Walsh, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. OHHHH the POWER! Reece Walsh took the hit and finished it anyway!

Reece Walsh plants himself in front of the Toronto Border-Patrol bench, hands on hips, and simply stands there until somebody says something. Somebody says something. Officials arrive at a jog. A teammate hauls him backward by the waist while the arena begs for more.

No hero ball here: Yao Ming takes what the defense gives and moves it along. OHHHH that is filthy! Reece Walsh on the handoff and the man guarding it is still fighting over the top. Third look from distance for Kylian Mbappé tonight and the arc keeps flattening out, tired legs writing checks the jumper cannot cash.

Toronto Border-Patrol again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Two defenders, one gap, and Yao Ming finds it. Onions on that pass. Reece Walsh pump fakes, gets the defender airborne, and walks right into his chest. Free throws. Boring is beautiful, and Reece Walsh is automatic from the stripe. That is how you close a game out.

Reece Walsh runs the baseline high-fiving every hand hanging over the rail, all the way to the corner and back. It takes forever. Play is waiting on him. Nobody in the building wants it to stop, including, visibly, the officials.

Look at that bench, not one man seated. Yao Ming had this moment circled since the walkthrough, and the shot has not even gone up. You will not draw up a better look. Yao Ming got his switch, got his feet set, got it clean off. The basketball gods said no.

Michael Jordan presses his forehead against the tunnel glass. Kevin Durant walks right past without noticing. And here is the answer to our game show Scrabble But With Numbers! Nadine Frankenberry of Pothole Junction, Iowa, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many numbers are on a jersey that has no numbers?' The answer was of course one, and it is invisible, and it is a seven. Nadine therefore wins a stack of forty three unread warranty cards! Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

121-101 (W)

The referee tosses it high and Reece Walsh rises late, which is exactly how you win one of these. Timing over height, every single time.

Watch the change of pace from Kevin Durant, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. The crowd has found its chant, and Kevin Durant is going to be hearing it all night.

Michael Jordan feels the contact, spins off that shoulder, and the defender is left hugging a whole lot of nothing. That is a throwback bucket: Michael Jordan with his back to the basket, and the defense has absolutely no answer for it.

Michael Jordan finds the courtside camera lens, leans all the way in and says absolutely nothing. Just breathes on it. Eight seconds of national television filled by one enormous face. Kevin Durant photobombs with crossed eyes, and the clip runs on every highlight show by midnight.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Yao Ming just did it by hitting Michael Jordan on the back side with acres of room. Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Michael Jordan, and not one single soul could do anything about it. From eight feet Michael Jordan puts way too much on it, and the ball clears the rim entirely.

You can read it right off the scoreboard: not one point since the last stoppage, and Michael Jordan is pressing badly now. Prayer from Michael Jordan. Not answered.

Halftime whistle. Kylian Mbappé spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Exclusive info: Kylian Mbappé is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. And now, our halftime TV game show Scrabble But With Numbers! To win a stack of forty three unread warranty cards, text HOOPS to 555-0736 and answer this question: 'How many numbers are on a jersey that has no numbers?' The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.

Cold blooded from Minnesota Ice-Wall, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Yao Ming kicks it over to Michael Jordan, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. OHHHH the pin-down! Michael Jordan pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Reece Walsh. Brutal. That is another catch and shoot triple for Michael Jordan, and you can see the closeouts getting more desperate every single trip.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Michael Jordan has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Kylian Mbappé precisely where the play wanted it. This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, Kylian Mbappé gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. Kylian Mbappé takes two dribbles past halfcourt, rises from thirty five feet, and the net barely moves. Filthy.

Turnover, layup, Minnesota Ice-Wall straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

SKIP PASS! Kevin Durant fires it cross court to Kylian Mbappé and the defense is dead in the water! Yao Ming just took a shoulder to the chest to buy Kylian Mbappé half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. Fifth possession this half where Kylian Mbappé has been left to bail everybody out with the clock at zero. He cannot keep doing this alone.

Michael Jordan rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. Into traffic goes Michael Jordan, he gets clubbed, he scores anyway, and the free throw is PURE. Three the hard way.

Under review. Kevin Durant does not know yet whether he is the hero or the footnote. Freeze it right there: leather glued to the fingers of Kevin Durant, horn already screaming. No basket.

Yao Ming improvises an Oscar acceptance speech. Kylian Mbappé plays the imaginary violin. And here is the answer to our game show Scrabble But With Numbers! Nadine Frankenberry of Pothole Junction, Iowa, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many numbers are on a jersey that has no numbers?' The answer was of course one, and it is invisible, and it is a seven. Nadine therefore wins a stack of forty three unread warranty cards! I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

109-102 (W)

Tip goes to the rugby league player, who spends most of the week nowhere near a gym. Explain that one to me.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Yao Ming threw it before the help even committed. Lazy one-hander from Kevin Durant through the middle of the floor, and the defender did not even have to leave his feet to take it.

Give and go! Michael Jordan gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! That stepback is unguardable once the drive gets sold, and Michael Jordan has had that defender guessing wrong all night long.

Cold blooded from Houston Blast-Off, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Screen, hesitation, delivery, Yao Ming drops it off perfectly for Michael Jordan diving to the rim. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Michael Jordan rose up over the help and hammered it down on somebody's head!

Halftime whistle. Kevin Durant has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. Word is Kevin Durant sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. And now, our halftime TV game show Church Picnic Wipeout! To win an above-ground pool ladder with no pool attached, text HOOPS to 555-0158 and answer this question: 'How much popcorn is in a large at the concession stand, honestly?' The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Michael Jordan drops it off to Yao Ming on time and on target. The big rolls, the defense collapses, and Yao Ming punishes it with a read most guys never even see. OHHHH the FADEAWAY! Michael Jordan rises over the defender and it falls through.

Dunk so loud the backboard is still ringing when Michael Jordan lands. He stares down the front row like they owe him money. A man in a five-thousand-dollar seat drops his drink. Kylian Mbappé drags Michael Jordan away by the jersey before it becomes an incident.

Push the pace! Michael Jordan grabs it and hits Reece Walsh in stride before the defense can even match up. Reece Walsh comes off the screen and the big man drops WAY back. Michael Jordan just fades to the arc for the cleanest look of the night. Clang. Michael Jordan wants that one back.

Watch the spacing there, Kevin Durant hits Kylian Mbappé right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and Kylian Mbappé gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. Getting to his spot and elevating, Yao Ming puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

OHHHH the hesi! Michael Jordan froze him solid and he is already gone! OHHHH, Michael Jordan from WAY downtown off the catch! The defense rotated a half second late and paid full price.

More second chance points for Houston Blast-Off, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Kevin Durant stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. Rises, releases, and Kevin Durant sends the ball through the exact patch of sky where the rim is not.

Hold everything, they are going to the replay on Michael Jordan, and this building has stopped breathing. Late by a blink. Michael Jordan is going to see that frame in his sleep tonight.

Michael Jordan blows a kiss to the camera. Kevin Durant blows twelve. Kylian Mbappé blocks the lens. And here is the answer to our game Church Picnic Wipeout! Charlene Pigg of Hatchet Handle, North Carolina, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How much popcorn is in a large at the concession stand, honestly?' The answer was of course a medium and a rumor. Charlene takes home an above-ground pool ladder with no pool attached! I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

102-108 (L)

The association football player just out-jumped a guy half a foot taller for the opening tip. Somebody check the day job again.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Denver Horse-Track with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Hard drive, hard stop, and Michael Jordan retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. Michael Jordan beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless.

Working him at the top of the key, low dribble, low dribble, then Michael Jordan rips it across and his man lunges at a ghost. It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on Michael Jordan. Cruel.

Dagger from Denver Horse-Track. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The locker room. Yao Ming sprawls out full-length on the bench. Rumor has it Yao Ming has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. And now, our halftime TV game show Fear Factor Lite! To win a scented candle that smells exactly like a bowling alley, text HOOPS to 555-0402 and answer this question: 'What is the wind speed inside a ceiling fan?' We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.

Yao Ming launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. OHHHHH HE SNATCHED HIS ANKLES! Kevin Durant left him on the hardwood and this building is SHAKING! You can hear this arena react a half second before the ball even goes through, and that tells you everything about Kevin Durant.

Kevin Durant rocks an imaginary baby down the sideline, cradling nothing at all and completely serious about it. Yao Ming plays along, tiptoeing beside him and shushing the front row. Half the arena is doing it too. The other half is filming the half that is doing it.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Yao Ming has known that all night long. Rough look for the rugby league player there. In his line of work you get to take that one back, out here it is two points going the other way.

Turnover, layup, Denver Horse-Track straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Nobody is getting a hand near that. Michael Jordan has all the room in the world. Baseline drive by Michael Jordan, he absorbs the hammer from the help defender, and the official is already pointing to the line. Two shots, two makes. Michael Jordan does not flinch.

Michael Jordan walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. OHHHH the separation! Reece Walsh just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. Rim, backboard, none of the above from the rugby league player! Ladies and gentlemen, that is a person with a real job, and we have all just been reminded of it.

CHARGE! Michael Jordan runs a set defender straight over and the arm goes the other way.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Denver Horse-Track, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

SKIP PASS! Kevin Durant fires it cross court to Reece Walsh and the defense is dead in the water! OHHHH the pocket pass! Reece Walsh splits the coverage and the roll man is loose under the basket! Kylian Mbappé blows the wide open layup!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Michael Jordan put that man in a blender and the third row felt it! The filthy euro-step in traffic was the idea, but the feet got greedy and the whistle blew Michael Jordan dead.

Michael Jordan walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Reece Walsh drags one foot after the other. And here is the answer to our game Fear Factor Lite! Alvin Kluck of Cheese Ridge, Minnesota, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the wind speed inside a ceiling fan?' The answer was of course the same as outside it, only angrier. Alvin takes home a scented candle that smells exactly like a bowling alley! As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

123-101 (W)

Tip goes to the association football player, who spends most of the week nowhere near a gym. Explain that one to me.

That is a foot speed problem. Kevin Durant keeps grabbing instead of sliding, and in this league that gets your coach a miserable night. Careful now. Three fouls this early means Kevin Durant plays the next stretch with his hands straight up in the air.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Michael Jordan drops it off to Yao Ming on time and on target. Yao Ming crosses, crosses back, the defender slides half a step the wrong way and the whole arena lets out the same OHHHH. Shot clock at one, and Yao Ming just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing.

Michael Jordan turns the corner off the screen from Kylian Mbappé, the help never rotates, and the lane is WIDE open! ONIONS from Kylian Mbappé! He saw the hit coming and went up into it anyway. Two for two from the association football player, calm as a Tuesday afternoon. Whatever that job involves all day, it clearly builds very steady hands.

Chest bump so violent that Kylian Mbappé and Kevin Durant both end up on the hardwood. They lie there laughing while play is stopped. A trainer jogs out to make sure nobody cracked a rib. The crowd is chanting before either man gets back to his feet.

This is the stretch of the night where you just feed him and get out of the way. Kevin Durant has found that place where the rim looks the size of a hula hoop. From WAY downtown! Kevin Durant launched that one from the parking lot!

Off to the locker room. Michael Jordan has already drained two water bottles. Rumor has it Michael Jordan talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. And now, our halftime TV game show Cash Cab of a Pickup Truck! To win a bag of forty-two mismatched socks, all for the left foot, text HOOPS to 555-0173 and answer this question: 'What do you call a free throw that goes in after hitting the ceiling?' Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.

That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Michael Jordan the moment he crosses half court. Michael Jordan went for the deep heat check and produced the loudest silence of the night, roar to OHHHH in half a second.

New York Over-Timers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Kevin Durant breaks a shell down. Nobody is getting a hand near that. Kylian Mbappé has all the room in the world. Catch, rise, splash. The association football player owns the cleanest jumper on this floor and still has a shift to work in the morning.

Kylian Mbappé cups a hand to his ear and turns a slow full circle, milking every section. The upper deck answers louder than the lower bowl, so he points up there and nods. Reece Walsh joins the spin. Forty seconds of noise before anybody inbounds the ball.

A single dribble is all Kevin Durant needed to get downhill, and the back side of that defense is in complete disarray. Way short from Kevin Durant off the bounce, the ball dies on the front of the rim and drops into traffic.

Ohhh no. Corner three, New York Over-Timers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Yao Ming splits the coverage with a bounce pass you need slow motion to appreciate. Dimes. Not a hand on him. Kevin Durant flat missed the bunny. Second-chance points are how you steal games on the road, and Michael Jordan has now cleaned up four misses tonight. Miss, tip, bucket. Michael Jordan makes his living in the wreckage.

Pointing up at the family section, Michael Jordan taps his chest twice and holds up a fist. A kid in a replica jersey is crying, and so is his mother. A camera crew finds them in nine seconds flat. Sixty seconds of pure decency on national television.

This is the part of the league nobody loves and everybody watches: Kylian Mbappé waits with both hands on top of his head. The building went up, the building came right back down, and Kylian Mbappé is staring at a scoreboard that never moved.

Yao Ming runs the full court high-fiving everyone. Kylian Mbappé follows doing the wave alone. And here is the answer to our game Cash Cab of a Pickup Truck! Harlan Spivey of Bent Fender, Montana, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What do you call a free throw that goes in after hitting the ceiling?' The answer was of course a blessing, and the whole gym has to be re-blessed. Harlan takes home a bag of forty-two mismatched socks, all for the left foot! I learned tonight that Yao Ming used to be a rugby league player. That explains the unique running style. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

118-100 (W)

More second chance points for Cleveland Twin-Towers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

SKIP PASS! Michael Jordan fires it cross court to Kylian Mbappé and the defense is dead in the water! A association football player breaking down a professional defender in front of a sold out house! Remember that day job, folks! Long and gone. Kylian Mbappé floats the teardrop over everything and bangs it off the back iron.

Onions from the sideline! The head man eats a technical standing up for Kevin Durant, and that entire bench LOVED it.

There was a clean look available and instead Reece Walsh drives into three bodies and loses the handle. That is what a cold spell does to a good player. Nobody cut, nobody screened, and Kylian Mbappé was still surveying the floor when the clock hit zero. That is a giveaway, plain and simple.

The association football player swatted that one off the glass and handed over two free points. Somebody go over the cylinder rule at the next staff meeting.

End of the second quarter. Reece Walsh is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. True story: Reece Walsh had his parking spot stolen by Cleveland Twin-Towers's mascot. Still talks about it. And now, our halftime TV game show Name That Casserole! To win a folding chair with one leg noticeably shorter than the others, text HOOPS to 555-0177 and answer this question: 'What is the official state bird of a parking lot?' The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.

That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Michael Jordan does. Pull-up from the elbow by Michael Jordan, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

No hero ball here: Michael Jordan takes what the defense gives and moves it along. The beauty of it is that Kylian Mbappé never has to set a screen at all, the exchange IS the screen. Nightmare to guard. OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! Yao Ming never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! Deep. Deeper. GONE. Yao Ming drops it in from a spot the scouting report never even listed.

Yao Ming freezes in his follow-through, wrist still hanging, and holds it while the Cleveland Twin-Towers coach burns a timeout out of pure desperation. He holds it through the whistle. He holds it into the huddle. The cameras eat every single second of it.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Michael Jordan just did it by hitting Reece Walsh on the back side with acres of room. SPIN and GO! Reece Walsh pirouettes right through the traffic and comes out the other side clean! The rugby league player just dunked on two grown men and drew the foul. Whatever that job pays, it is not enough.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Michael Jordan has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Yao Ming precisely where the play wanted it. Dribble alive, patient, patient, and then Yao Ming slips it to Michael Jordan right in the pocket. Surgical. The defender fronted him, so Michael Jordan sealed, waited for the entry and went to work. Patient, mean, effective.

Straight to the logo at center court, Michael Jordan plants both feet and flexes until the veins show. The bench is a pile of bodies and airborne headbands. An assistant coach has to be physically restrained by a trainer who is also celebrating.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Kevin Durant has known that all night long. OHHHH, what a read by Michael Jordan! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. Reece Walsh gets to his spot in the lane, lifts the runner over the big man, and leaves it a foot short. No dice.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Cleveland Twin-Towers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

STONEWALLED! Kylian Mbappé holds his ground and the big man gives it right back up. Wide open runway! Kylian Mbappé gets to the rim before the defense even crosses halfcourt!

Michael Jordan rips off his jersey and launches it into the crowd. Kevin Durant does the same. The coach rolls his eyes. And here is the answer to our game Name That Casserole! Bobbie Jo Tatum of Mule Shoe Flats, Texas, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the official state bird of a parking lot?' The answer was of course the seagull, even nine hundred miles inland. Bobbie Jo takes home a folding chair with one leg noticeably shorter than the others! Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

81-111 (L)

Michael Jordan launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. One hard step and Yao Ming owns that whole side of the floor, which means the low man has to make a decision he does not want. That is the shot chart lying to you. Yao Ming did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Boston Ring-Chasers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Kevin Durant kicks it over to Kylian Mbappé, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. The association football player just threaded a pocket pass through two defenders. Where exactly did that vision come from? Michael Jordan beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Boston Ring-Chasers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Michael Jordan has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Kevin Durant precisely where the play wanted it. Yao Ming sets it and slides out instead of rolling, Kevin Durant finds him late, and the defense pays for cheating under the screen. Down, up, and gone for Yao Ming. The rim is just toying with him now.

End of the first half. Kevin Durant is beet red but still standing. Anecdote: Kevin Durant slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. And now, our halftime TV game show The Amazing Race to the Buffet! To win a cooler still full of ice from last summer, text HOOPS to 555-0107 and answer this question: 'How many degrees is room temperature in a room that nobody likes?' The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.

More second chance points for Boston Ring-Chasers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Moving screen on the association football player. The rule book is weeping and the coach is already up off the bench.

Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Kevin Durant, and not one single soul could do anything about it. Up goes the shot from Kevin Durant and that is nothing but AIR, and every soul in this building saw it happen.

Bucket for Boston Ring-Chasers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Swing, swing, and Yao Ming finds Kevin Durant on the wing before the help can even turn its head. A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Kevin Durant pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. No good. Kevin Durant rushed that one.

Push the pace! Michael Jordan grabs it and hits Reece Walsh in stride before the defense can even match up. The rugby league player runs a dribble handoff with the timing of a fifteen-year vet. Not bad for somebody who does this on weekends. Kylian Mbappé probes to the right, pulls the string, and rises over a helpless closeout from twenty six feet. Splash.

Shimmy from the corner all the way to half court, shoulders loose, chin high. Kylian Mbappé is in no hurry whatsoever. The home bench tries to copy it and produces something closer to a seizure. The building decides it loves both versions equally.

Screened, toasted, done. Yao Ming is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. Textbook footwork, textbook release from Yao Ming, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

Turnover, layup, Boston Ring-Chasers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

They quit crashing the offensive glass about three minutes ago. Nobody wants any part of the rugby league player down there tonight. OUTLET! Reece Walsh rips the board and fires it ahead to Kevin Durant before anybody gets back! BAAAANG! Michael Jordan throws the outlet ahead and Kevin Durant finishes through contact at the rim!

Stone silence for one second, then Kevin Durant lets out something that is not really a word, more a sound from the basement of a human being. Kylian Mbappé answers with the same noise. The arena joins in. There is no language left in this building.

Foul to give, and Yao Ming gives it. Clock stops.

Reece Walsh kicks his towel across the floor. Michael Jordan has already left for the locker room, alone. And here is the answer to our game The Amazing Race to the Buffet! Virgil Stackhouse of Dead Battery Springs, Nevada, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many degrees is room temperature in a room that nobody likes?' The answer was of course seventy-two, and somehow still wrong. Virgil takes home a cooler still full of ice from last summer! I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

75-119 (L)

Kylian Mbappé sets the pick and DIVES to the cup. Michael Jordan lays it right on his hands in traffic! He sets it late, he sets it wide, and he sets it while jogging. Three for three, Kylian Mbappé, and the possession is gone.

Oldest play in the book and it still works: Yao Ming passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. Off the back iron for Yao Ming, that one had all the distance and none of the accuracy, and the board goes the other way.

Turnover, layup, San Antonio Skyscrapers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Second pass beats the rotation, Michael Jordan to Kevin Durant, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. Reece Walsh threads a BEAUTY to Kevin Durant under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. San Antonio Skyscrapers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Halftime. Kylian Mbappé's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Exclusive: Kylian Mbappé was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. And now, our halftime TV game show Concentration But Nobody Is Paying Attention! To win a set of drink coasters showing all fifty state flowers, badly drawn, text HOOPS to 555-0629 and answer this question: 'What time is it in a gymnasium when the clock is broken?' Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Michael Jordan controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Nobody is getting a hand near that. Kylian Mbappé has all the room in the world. That is what heavy minutes do, Kylian Mbappé has run all night and the legs have nothing left to give the jumper.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for San Antonio Skyscrapers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Kevin Durant splits the coverage with a bounce pass you need slow motion to appreciate. Dimes. The rugby league player just had his shot delivered into the courtside seats. Tough scene, but at least the day job is safe.

Michael Jordan comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! Whistle! Michael Jordan got hacked on the way up. Two shots coming. First one drops clean through, the second one never even touches iron. Cold blooded from Michael Jordan.

Michael Jordan climbs two rows into the stands and gets swallowed by strangers. He comes back out with somebody's cap on backward and a smear of nacho cheese on his shoulder. Kylian Mbappé refuses to touch him. This building has never been happier about anything.

Hard drive, hard stop, and Michael Jordan retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. Michael Jordan lets it FLY from way downtown and... front rim. Not this time.

Cold blooded from San Antonio Skyscrapers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

No hero ball here: Yao Ming takes what the defense gives and moves it along. Screen, hesitation, delivery, Kylian Mbappé drops it off perfectly for Kevin Durant diving to the rim. So close. Kevin Durant can only stare at the iron.

Dagger from San Antonio Skyscrapers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Not a bad shot, not a blocked shot, just no shot at all from Yao Ming. Somehow the worst outcome available.

Huddle is tight, marker squeaking on the board, and Yao Ming is already nodding before the coach finishes the sentence. Out of the timeout, Michael Jordan hits Kevin Durant right on schedule and it drops! Drawn up, run, done.

Somebody's towel goes up, then thirty of them, and the bench turns into a laundry emergency. Kevin Durant stands in the middle of it with his arms out, letting them rain down on his head. An assistant coach is spinning one like a helicopter. Institutional collapse.

Michael Jordan's eyes are glassy. Reece Walsh mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. And here is the answer to our game show Concentration But Nobody Is Paying Attention! Junior Applewhite of Gravy Bend, South Carolina, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What time is it in a gymnasium when the clock is broken?' The answer was of course always 4:17, a time that has never done anybody any good. Junior therefore wins a set of drink coasters showing all fifty state flowers, badly drawn! During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

95-123 (L)

Turnover, layup, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Yao Ming has known that all night long. Second pass beats the rotation, Kevin Durant to Reece Walsh, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. Watch the feet on Reece Walsh there, still drifting sideways at the release, and that is exactly why the floater sails wide left of everything.

Hard drive, hard stop, and Michael Jordan retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. BANG is what Michael Jordan was hearing in his head. Clang is what this building actually got.

Laser from Michael Jordan, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Kylian Mbappé, and not one single soul could do anything about it. The association football player tried the teardrop and never got it to the rim. Turns out soft touch does not come standard with that day job.

Screen, roll, DELIVERY from Michael Jordan! Nothing but runway to the rim! Offensive foul, Kevin Durant. Feet were still churning. Give it back.

First half is done. Kylian Mbappé is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Did you know Kylian Mbappé knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest's colors. By accident, obviously. And now, our halftime TV game show Fifty Fifty or Nothing! To win a decorative barometer that has read STORMY since 1998, text HOOPS to 555-0290 and answer this question: 'How many free throws could a horse make in one hour with no thumbs?' The players are back on the court. Here we go again!

Set called, Kylian Mbappé waved out to the corner, and Michael Jordan watches the spacing open up like a front door. This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, Kylian Mbappé gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. Nobody drew up that arc. The association football player floated one halfway to the rafters, and the rim never even got a say.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Ball moves. Michael Jordan to Kylian Mbappé, on time and on target. Here comes the slip from Yao Ming, and Kylian Mbappé reads it a half second before anybody else in the building. You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and Yao Ming gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. Jab, jab, STEPBACK. Michael Jordan snatched his ankles and let it go clean.

Shimmy from the corner all the way to half court, shoulders loose, chin high. Michael Jordan is in no hurry whatsoever. The home bench tries to copy it and produces something closer to a seizure. The building decides it loves both versions equally.

The box score will show nothing at all for the association football player, just a ruined shot and a shooter who will remember that wall all night.

Cold blooded from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Michael Jordan walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. Reece Walsh attacks the baseline and the ENTIRE defense has to rotate behind him! BAAAANG! Reece Walsh from the logo, and the entire bench is on its feet losing its mind!

STOP AND GO! Michael Jordan hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. Look at Michael Jordan mouthing an apology toward his own bench before the call is even announced. He knew instantly.

More second chance points for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Michael Jordan threw it before the help even committed. Telegraphed. Kevin Durant announced that pass three days in advance and the defense RSVP'd.

Michael Jordan sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. Reece Walsh winces. And here is the answer to our game show Fifty Fifty or Nothing! Merle Bodkin of Dry Fork Holler, West Virginia, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many free throws could a horse make in one hour with no thumbs?' The answer was of course two, and both of them were technically goaltending. Merle therefore wins a decorative barometer that has read STORMY since 1998! Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'