My dream soccer team — football_team 🇦🇺

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-1 (L)

Jesus Christ sends a wicked free kick into the area, Lamine Yamal is lurking with intent. Oh my GOD Lamine Yamal! Own goal! He cuts out the cross from Nico Williams with his BACK and the ball ends up in the goal. HOW is that even possible?? The entire stadium is gobsmacked, NOBODY understands.

Lamine Yamal picks it up and goes coast to coast like a man possessed. Nobody is stopping him. Lamine Yamal dribbles into the box, the defender catches him and sends him sprawling. The referee blows IMMEDIATELY: penalty! The heart of the stadium is beating at a THOUSAND miles an hour! PENALTY SAVED! Lamine Yamal strikes but the goalkeeper makes an ENORMOUS save! No goal! Vozinha throws it out quickly to Nico Williams, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset.

Ansu Fati sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Trent Alexander-Arnold. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. Trent Alexander-Arnold attempts a through ball but it is cut out halfway. Far too obvious. Textbook tackle from Destiny Udogie there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted. Blistering transition, defence caught cold and carved wide open.

Switch from Trent Alexander-Arnold! The ball arcs over the midfield and Jurriën Timber collects it on the other side. Stretching the play. Jurriën Timber wins the header and flicks it on for Kobbie Mainoo. He took the elevator while the rest were queuing for the stairs. Devastating burst of pace from Jurriën Timber, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank. Jurriën Timber slides the ball across the ground in the box, Kobbie Mainoo arrives for the finish. Blocked shot from Kobbie Mainoo! The defender sacrificed himself to get in the way. Hat's off to him.

They strangle the build-up, no passing option anywhere. Destiny Udogie wraps an arm around the opponent to slow him down. Referee has seen it. Deserved booking for Destiny Udogie, he'd been getting away with murder all half. Short free kick, Destiny Udogie gives it to Kobbie Mainoo who finds himself with space to work with. Shot from Kobbie Mainoo, it's wide! Flirted with the post, missing by millimetres.

Kobbie Mainoo is tapping {his} studs on the floor, nervous energy pouring out of every pore. {he} knows {he} can do better. The gaffer knows it too. He crouches down in front of Kobbie Mainoo: "Stop hiding behind their centre-half. Get on the ball, take the game by the scruff of the neck. That is why you are in the team." A gorgeous bit of intel — Jurriën Timber once entered a pub quiz in Wolverhampton under the team name 'Definitely Not A Footballer.' Won the whole thing. Prize was a meat raffle and a crate of Carling. At 25, that's what peak performance looks like. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 0001 and answer this question: 'What is the boiling point of regret?' Forty-five minutes left on the clock. Jesus Christ knows it, the fans know it, even the bloke selling pies behind the away end knows it. This is where it matters.

Jesus Christ launches himself at the attacker, no control, no timing. A horror tackle. VAR has taken control of this match, everything frozen, pulses racing all around the ground. Penalty overturned for the messiah after video review! In that position, you've got to stay honest. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions.

The opposition defenders could grab a brew, nothing is happening. Trent Alexander-Arnold puts the ball right into the path of Kobbie Mainoo, played to the inch, the space is found. Kobbie Mainoo pulls it back along the ground for Nico Williams, that is the perfect cut-back! The defender sacrifices himself and blocks Nico Williams's strike! Takes the full force of the shot.

Trent Alexander-Arnold throws himself into the tackle and comes out with the ball. That's pure desire, that is. Short build-up from Trent Alexander-Arnold to Destiny Udogie, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Destiny Udogie looks for Trent Alexander-Arnold but the pass is way too long, that is going out for a throw-in. Lovely quick transition, but the final decision-making is terrible.

The timing is everything: Destiny Udogie releases the ball at the perfect moment and Jesus Christ explodes into the space behind. The defence is cooked. Flag raised against the messiah. Jurriën Timber's ball was good but the timing was off. Michael Olise scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive.

It's hit the back of the net! Paris Saint-Glinglin lead and we look completely lost.

Vozinha points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. Trent Alexander-Arnold comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

Jesus Christ swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Ansu Fati, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Ansu Fati gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side. Smooth transition from Ansu Fati to Destiny Udogie, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Great vision from Destiny Udogie who switches to Nico Williams. The defence pivots, but they are too late.

A draw — that grey zone. Destiny Udogie signs autographs on his way off, a kid hands him a scuffed old ball. Nico Williams adds his signature. Kids don't see draws the way grown-ups do. To them it's still magic. That puts things in perspective. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Valerie Dampsworth, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the boiling point of regret?'. The answer was of course 73 degrees, which is the exact temperature of a bath you ran two hours ago. Valerie wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Coming up: 'Gogglebox, but the families are watching Gogglebox watching Gogglebox.' It's telly-ception. Nobody knows what's real anymore. The dog seems fine with it.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

2-1 (W)

Enormous press from Jesus Christ who wins the ball thirty yards from goal. The opponent buckled under the pressure. Cracking counter, they've knifed through the middle at full tilt. The investor was right where he needed to be! In that position, that kind of anticipation is what makes the great strikers. GOAL!

Jesus Christ scans the family section, finds them, blows kisses with both hands. His kids are crying on their mum's shoulder. Vozinha is already there for the instagram shot. Scenes that make you remember why you fell for this game.

Last minute of regulation time, playing with their teeth in the ball. Michael Olise rises on the delivery from Nico Williams and powers a furious header into the net!

Michael Olise scans the family section, finds them, blows kisses with both hands. His kids are crying on their mum's shoulder. Trent Alexander-Arnold is already there for the instagram shot. Scenes that make you remember why you fell for this game.

Jurriën Timber steps across to cut the passing lane and comes away with possession. It is subtle, it is clean, it is absolutely top class. Jurriën Timber puts it right into the feet of Ansu Fati, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Ball into space from Ansu Fati, Destiny Udogie just has to run onto it and collect. Simple and genius. Destiny Udogie wants to play it quick but the pass to Jesus Christ is wayward, lacking any precision.

Enormous clearance from Destiny Udogie inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it. Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. Quick exchange between Nico Williams and Lamine Yamal, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Lamine Yamal clatters into the opponent, a fraction late on the challenge. Free kick.

Vozinha rolls it short to Lamine Yamal into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. Lamine Yamal gives it to Jesus Christ into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Jesus Christ beats his man with a sharp dribble, instant change of direction.

The dressing room smells of Deep Heat and good decisions. Kobbie Mainoo is sat in the corner, ice on {his} shoulder, replaying {his} tackle on the phone. "Look at that, absolutely textbook," {he} says to Vozinha. The gaffer nods. "That is the level I want for the whole second half. No let-up." Now this is class — Donald Trump once tried to pay for petrol entirely in coins and held up the queue for twelve minutes. The woman behind him nearly called the police. He was 80 at the time and maintains he was 'clearing out the change jar.' Utterly British. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 3737 and answer this question: 'What is the pH level of a Greggs steak bake?' The referee blows the whistle and the second half kicks off. Trent Alexander-Arnold takes the ball immediately and drives forward. No messing about.

They've broken at pace and the back line is nowhere to be seen. Brilliant cut-back from Nico Williams along the grass for Ansu Fati. That is an absolute peach of a ball. Ansu Fati fires but the defender bravely throws himself in and takes the ball in the body. Heroic. Destiny Udogie attempts a cross for Michael Olise but the defender intervenes and deflects it behind. Vozinha plays it short to Jesus Christ, building out from the back. Calculated risk.

Donald Trump combines with Trent Alexander-Arnold from the free kick, the little pass takes the wall out of the equation. OHHH it's gone past by a whisker! Trent Alexander-Arnold strikes and the ball grazes the right-hand post. Back to the keeper for the fifteenth time, fans have had enough. That is miles high from Michael Olise! The ball disappears into the sky, absolutely nowhere near.

And there it is, México No-Era-Penal score! The writing was on the wall after that pressure.

Lay-off from Donald Trump to Lamine Yamal, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Possession for possession's sake, not a single cross or shot. Oh my word Nico Williams fires and it goes JUST wide! The post must have felt the breeze.

Surface-level dominance, not one incisive moment. Donald Trump plays the simple ball to Lamine Yamal, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Lamine Yamal spreads it to Michael Olise, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Superb pass from Michael Olise into the gap for Destiny Udogie, the defender is rooted to the spot.

Lovely use of the ball by Ansu Fati, finding Jurriën Timber in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Incredible burst of pace from Jurriën Timber, he eats up the ground in just a few strides. Floated cross from Jurriën Timber off the right, Jesus Christ has stationed himself on the penalty spot. Anything is possible. What composure from Vozinha! He climbs, gathers the cross and restarts play. The danger has passed.

Superb! Jurriën Timber jogs toward the tunnel but stops, turns around, and takes one last look at the pitch under the lights. Destiny Udogie waits for him at the door: "Beautiful, isn't it?" Jurriën Timber nods. They disappear inside. The muffled sound of celebration follows. Magic night. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Colin Flannel-Trousers, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the pH level of a Greggs steak bake?'. The answer was of course off the scale entirely, scientists refuse to measure it on moral grounds. Colin wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

1-0 (W)

Wall combination between Destiny Udogie and Ansu Fati, fluid, rapid, and it creates an overload going forward. GOOOOAL! Destiny Udogie places his shot into the bottom corner from the cross by Donald Trump, surgical finish!

Perfectly executed challenge by Kobbie Mainoo, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb. Kobbie Mainoo thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work. Vozinha lumps it long towards Michael Olise, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. Monumental ball from Michael Olise to Trent Alexander-Arnold, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet.

Jurriën Timber hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match. Vozinha smashes a volley towards Nico Williams, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Nico Williams looks up and launches a long pass towards Jurriën Timber. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Jurriën Timber links up with Trent Alexander-Arnold, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up.

Jesus Christ unleashes a raking ball out to Ansu Fati, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Ansu Fati finds Jurriën Timber in the dead zone between the full-back and the centre-half, pass into space, collected on the run. Pure class. Good run from Jurriën Timber who crosses to the near post for Ansu Fati. The defender is beaten to it.

What a ball from Lamine Yamal! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and Trent Alexander-Arnold is away on his own. That is velvet. Trent Alexander-Arnold unleashes a fierce drive, it's GOIIIIING... wide. Clips the post on the way out though. Vozinha sparks the transition with a quick throw to Trent Alexander-Arnold, the break is lightning fast. Trent Alexander-Arnold goes crossfield to Jesus Christ, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Jesus Christ dominates his marker in the air, powerful header to clear the danger. He is the king of the aerial game.

Donald Trump is FaceTiming {his} mum to tell her about the goal. The gaffer walks past: "Tell her she raised a good one." The dressing room cracks up. Trent Alexander-Arnold leans in and waves at the camera. It is all smiles and good vibes in here. The kind of halftime where you do not want to change a thing. Destiny Udogie once held a door open for Gordon Ramsay and inexplicably said 'cheers, Dad.' The 24-year-old has not spoken publicly about the incident, but Ramsay apparently replied 'you're welcome, son.' And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 6677 and answer this question: 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?' Right then, part two. Kobbie Mainoo adjusts {his} shin pads one last time and looks up. The floodlights catch the determination in {his} eyes. Forty-five minutes to make it count.

The corner from Nico Williams is headed away by the defence at the near post. Donald Trump clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. Ansu Fati sends an aerial beauty to Jesus Christ, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile.

Vozinha distributes by hand to Destiny Udogie on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Long ball from Destiny Udogie to Jesus Christ, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. Enormous leap from Jesus Christ who wins his aerial duel with authority. The ball is headed clear, no arguments. Jesus Christ heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one. Long ball from Vozinha for Nico Williams who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy.

Jurriën Timber lights the fuse with a cutting pass for Nico Williams down the channel. The defence is caught cold, it is over for them. That's been flagged. Nico Williams was in an offside position when Lamine Yamal played it through. Clearance from Destiny Udogie under pressure, the ball flies into touch on the far side. It is not in the coaching manual but it works.

Vozinha finds Michael Olise with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money. Michael Olise with a trademark slide tackle, gets the ball and pops straight back up. The fans are on their feet! Instant break, the opposition are caught on their heels and punished. Delicious through ball from Donald Trump, the ball slides in behind the centre-halves and Ansu Fati is there to gobble it up. What a tackle by Ansu Fati! Times it to perfection, nicks the ball, and the ref waves play on. Outstanding.

Vozinha sends an absolute rocket towards Michael Olise, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch. Michael Olise pings a long diagonal to Nico Williams, completely shifts the point of attack. Nico Williams whips in a cross at head height, Michael Olise anticipates and gets ahead of his marker.

What a performance! Lamine Yamal exchanges jerseys with the Casablanca Dima-Maghrib skipper — firm handshake, quiet word, respect between competitors. Then he turns and unleashes a primal scream at the sky. Kobbie Mainoo just laughs. "He does that every time we win," he tells the camera. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Brenda Sogbottom, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?'. The answer was of course three consecutive drizzles, as defined by the Met Office Dampness Protocol of 1991. Brenda wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

1-1 (L)

Launching long balls into the box, it's route one now. Nico Williams lets his AERIAL GAME do the talking! On the cross from Ansu Fati, he scores with his head with crazy authority. GOAL!

Strike from Nico Williams that is blocked by a courageous defender. The ball flies out for a corner. Trent Alexander-Arnold takes the corner but the opposition defence is well organized, cleared. Michael Olise launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out. The game is crying out for a moment of magic, nothing's happening.

Driven kick from Vozinha to Ansu Fati, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Ansu Fati delivers a tidy ball to Kobbie Mainoo, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Kobbie Mainoo to Nico Williams, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. With one swing of the boot, Nico Williams finds Destiny Udogie on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open.

Jurriën Timber throws himself into the passing lane and comes away with the ball. Phenomenal reading of the game. Rapid combination: Jurriën Timber to Donald Trump, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Intense pressing from the investor, he wins the ball in the opposition half. When you have that engine in that role, you suffocate any team. Donald Trump finds Nico Williams between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch.

Disaster! Dakar Teranga FC score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

Rehearsed move all week: Vozinha and Trent Alexander-Arnold stage a Wild West duel, back to back, ten paces, turn, fire. Vozinha plays the corpse in the middle. The stadium wants an encore, they do it twice more before the ref cuts it off.

The boss brings the group into a huddle: "The score is level and the game is wide open. This is where big players step up. I am looking at you, Trent Alexander-Arnold. And you, Kobbie Mainoo. You do not get nights like this every week. Seize it." Eyes sharpen around the circle. The second half starts now, in this room. Remarkable little detail about Trent Alexander-Arnold — he spent every childhood summer in a static caravan in Blackpool. Still goes back every year, eats a stick of rock on the pier, and insists it resets his chakras. The man is 28 and living his best life. And now, our TV game show Strictly Come Complaining! To win a strongly-worded letter template, text 3789 and answer: 'What is the correct way to complain about a lukewarm cup of tea in a cafe?' The second period begins and Vozinha launches a crossfield ball within ten seconds. Statement of intent right there. The second half will not be like the first.

The investor finds Jurriën Timber along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Cut-back along the deck from Jurriën Timber, Michael Olise pops up between the centre-halves. The pull-back is spot on. WOOOW Michael Olise launches a missile! On target, the ball is fizzing but the keeper tips it around the post!

Interception from Jurriën Timber who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of Jurriën Timber. Diagonal from Jurriën Timber to Nico Williams, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Nico Williams looks up and swings in a floated cross, Jurriën Timber rises among the defenders. Jurriën Timber launches the ball with his head off the delivery from Donald Trump, it flies wide. Agonising.

Lamine Yamal spots Jurriën Timber in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness. Jurriën Timber reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. Panicked clearance from Jurriën Timber, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done.

They've got the bit between their teeth, this is fantastic to watch. Michael Olise clips the ball into the area with a whipped cross, Donald Trump gets across the near post first. Donald Trump is beaten in the air on the free kick, the opponent read the flight of the ball better.

Michael Olise threads the needle between the two centre-backs, Donald Trump bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. Donald Trump is flagged and it's the tightest of calls, Lamine Yamal's pass was beautifully weighted too. The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. Good ball from the messiah to Destiny Udogie, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does.

Vozinha hoofs it forward towards Kobbie Mainoo, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Crossfield pass from Kobbie Mainoo to Jesus Christ, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. Jesus Christ takes off and beats everyone to the header. Nobody can compete with him in the air. Massive clearance from the messiah under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. Aerial duel won by Michael Olise, he absolutely dominates in the air against the defender.

Level at the final whistle. Jesus Christ and Trent Alexander-Arnold walk side by side toward the tunnel without a word. The rain is drizzling gently. A point isn't great, isn't disaster — just exactly what today was worth. The dressing room will be quiet. Gerald from Bath says you simply tut loudly, stir aggressively, and leave a passive-aggressive TripAdvisor review. The letter template is his! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

1-1 (L)

Destiny Udogie chops the opponent down at the halfway line. Stops the counter. Destiny Udogie whips the ball into the box from the free kick, Jesus Christ throws himself at it for a header. What a LEAP from Jesus Christ! He climbs higher than anyone on the delivery from Nico Williams and scores with his head. GOAL!

Destiny Udogie fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. Vozinha plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

GOAAAL! Douala Makossa-Corner score! That's a hammer blow, the fans are stunned into silence.

Rehearsed move all week: Vozinha and Destiny Udogie stage a Wild West duel, back to back, ten paces, turn, fire. Vozinha plays the corpse in the middle. The stadium wants an encore, they do it twice more before the ref cuts it off.

Jurriën Timber sets it for Kobbie Mainoo, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. A real crescendo is building here, the noise levels are climbing.

Monster clearance from Vozinha, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Nico Williams. Dominant header from Nico Williams on the corner, he outmuscles his marker and wins the aerial duel. The ground shakes.

Kobbie Mainoo anticipates the lofted pass and intercepts with his chest. Total control, maximum game intelligence. Wing switch from Kobbie Mainoo, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Michael Olise brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Phenomenal leap from Michael Olise who wins the header without any contest whatsoever. The opponent does not exist in the air against him. Michael Olise is beaten in the air, the opponent rises above him with authority. That is tough to take.

"Sixty-two percent possession and not a single clear chance. You are passing it around like a game of piggy in the middle!" The gaffer slams the stats sheet on the table. Donald Trump winces. Destiny Udogie looks away. Something has got to change and everyone in this room knows it. Vozinha has developed a full-blown B&Q addiction, spending every Sunday morning browsing power tools with absolutely no DIY ability. At 40, the lad owns fourteen drills and has never put up a shelf. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 8989 and answer this question: 'Which day of the week weighs the most in Grimsby?' Kobbie Mainoo leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

Lamine Yamal goes over the top of the ball and rakes down the attacker's shin. Ugly, ugly tackle. VAR wants a stoppage, the stadium falls silent. This could swing the whole match. VAR makes the referee change his mind, Lamine Yamal's yellow becomes a straight red! The referee has no choice — Lamine Yamal is off for a sickening challenge. The stadium gasps. Free kick from Lamine Yamal curled into the area, Destiny Udogie attacks it with a header.

Kobbie Mainoo puts in a crunching challenge, all ball, no foul. The attacker's left with absolutely nothing. Kobbie Mainoo clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football. Destiny Udogie is outmuscled in the air by his direct opponent, he did not have the spring to match him. OHHH the header from Nico Williams off the cross from Lamine Yamal! It flies a whisker past the post! The keeper had no chance.

Combination from Donald Trump to Kobbie Mainoo on the short corner, they're trying to get past the wing. Kobbie Mainoo slips Trent Alexander-Arnold in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Trent Alexander-Arnold winds up the right foot and LEEEEETS FLY! On target, heading top bins but the keeper claws it out!

Vozinha distributes short to Nico Williams, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Nico Williams reads that pass like an open book, surgical interception. Three on one and they find a way to mess it all up, unbelievable. Jesus Christ beats man after man and drives forward on his own, opponents are scattered like skittles. JUST WIIIIIDE from Jesus Christ! Right idea but it slides past the far post by inches.

Ansu Fati drops a lofted ball to Kobbie Mainoo, it sails over the entire midfield line. Kobbie Mainoo spots the gap and sends Jesus Christ into it with a perfectly weighted pass. The channel is wide open. Jesus Christ jumps the gun on Michael Olise's through ball. Clear offside, good call. Vozinha plays it along the ground to Ansu Fati, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. Overlap from Ansu Fati on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed.

Kobbie Mainoo senses the pass coming and cuts the trajectory. The opponent is dispossessed without even being touched. That is football at its beautiful best. Kobbie Mainoo shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for Jurriën Timber. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces. Overlap from Jurriën Timber on the left, he bombs towards the byline at full tilt. Looping cross from Jurriën Timber, it sails over the centre-halves and drops towards Nico Williams. Danger. What a claim from Vozinha! He gathers the ball in both hands above the heads of the attackers. Beautiful.

Draw. Jesus Christ sighs into the mixed-zone microphone: "A point's better than nothing, but we wanted more." Michael Olise waits his turn, water bottle in hand. Answers are short tonight. Everyone just wants to move on. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Pauline Drizzle-Hatch, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which day of the week weighs the most in Grimsby?'. The answer was of course Thursday, at approximately 47 kilograms, mostly due to the accumulated dread of Friday. Pauline wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

2-1 (W)

Well spotted by Jurriën Timber who cuts out the pass, that is pure anticipation. Lightning counter, striker's away on his bike and the defence is chasing shadows. Jesus Christ takes his time to aim, looks at the keeper, and SHOOTS! On target, in the net, GOOOOAL!

Double backflip off the penalty spot from Jurriën Timber. Michael Olise is on his knees clapping, Vozinha is screaming 'ARE YOU MENTAL?!' from forty yards away. The home end gets to their feet, flags flapping, scarves overhead. Raw.

Textbook low block, the opposition can't find a way through at all. Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. Jesus Christ winds up the right foot and sends a ROCKET top bins! GOAL, that is the strike of the match!

High recovery from Jesus Christ! He hounded the defender until he cracked. The pressing pays off. Lob attempt from the messiah, the idea is there but not the finish. In that role, it shows the ambition but it needs surgical precision. Vozinha goes long for Nico Williams, the ball flies straight into the opposition half.

Emergency clearance from Jurriën Timber, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe. The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it. Donald Trump picks out Destiny Udogie with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Step-over from Destiny Udogie, he ghosts past his man in one move!

They push up as a unit, the opposition can't string two passes together. Trent Alexander-Arnold tries a crossfield ball to Donald Trump but it is miles too long, the ball sails out. Nothing to salvage. Stunning tackle by Kobbie Mainoo in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. Individual run from Kobbie Mainoo, he sets off from his own half, beats two men and finds himself one on one with the keeper. Kobbie Mainoo picks his spot and SHOOTS! Wide of the near post, genuinely not far off.

"Get in, lads! That is what I am talking about!" The gaffer punches the air as he comes through the door. Jurriën Timber stands up and starts a slow clap that builds into full-on applause. Michael Olise bangs the lockers in rhythm. The whole dressing room is bouncing like a pub after a last-minute winner. Here's a belter — Nico Williams is genuinely terrified of pigeons. Absolutely petrified. The lads had to escort him through Trafalgar Square last summer and he was clinging to the physio like a child. He's 181 and built like a shed, but one pigeon and he's gone. And now, our TV game show Saturday Night Takeaway Kebab! To win a doner kebab the size of your head, text 0800KEBAB and answer: 'At what hour on a Saturday night does a kebab become a medical necessity?' Kick-off! Vozinha wins the first challenge of the second half and the crowd roars its approval. That is the intensity we need.

Absolutely dreadful! Lagos No-Carry-Last score and we have only ourselves to blame.

Vozinha runs the entire perimeter of the pitch, slapping every hand sticking out of the fence. It takes him nearly two minutes. The roar follows him round the ground. Vozinha tries to keep up and gives up at the halfway line.

Quick throw from Vozinha to Donald Trump out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. One touch football: Donald Trump to Lamine Yamal, faster than the opposition can think. We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition.

A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all. The messiah catches the opponent late. At that position you're always walking a fine line between aggression and discipline. The referee has lost patience, yellow card for Jesus Christ. Foul after foul after foul. Jesus Christ's free kick crashes into the wall. They jumped at the right moment.

Jurriën Timber launches it to Jesus Christ on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. The messiah bamboozles his opponent with a feint. That kind of skill in that position completely changes the face of a match.

They're all over them like a rash, no time on the ball whatsoever. Clumsy challenge from Nico Williams, stands on the opponent's foot. Unintentional but still a foul. The wall does its job! Nico Williams's free kick is stopped dead. Scramble in the box after Donald Trump's corner! A defender boots it away, just about!

Waves of attack crashing down, something has to give soon. They suffocate the first pass, the opposition goes long and loses it. The press from Donald Trump pays off immediately, the defender makes a mess of it and Donald Trump pounces. A forced gift. Nutmeg from Donald Trump, the ball goes through the defender's legs. Get the camera on that.

That is a statement result! Ansu Fati stands at the centre circle and applauds every corner of the ground, slowly, deliberately. Destiny Udogie joins him. The floodlights catch the moment perfectly. Somewhere, a photographer just got his picture of the season. Lagos No-Carry-Last won't forget this one. Tommo from Newcastle says half eleven and not a minute sooner. The giant kebab is his! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

2-2 (L)

GOAL! Barranquilla Toque-Toque have broken through! Their forward buried it into the bottom corner.

Kobbie Mainoo intercepts in the danger zone, he read the opposition's combination as if he had the match script in his back pocket. Counter on the turn, they've exploded forward like a sprung trap. GOOOAL for Nico Williams! On the cross from Michael Olise, he controls and shoots, sends a bomb into the back of the net. SUMPTUOUS!

Kobbie Mainoo finds the TV camera and kisses it like a long-lost love. Ansu Fati plays the jealous partner alongside. The live broadcast lingers for eight solid seconds, the commentators crying with laughter. The memes are already circulating before kickoff resumes.

The messiah does not let up and rips the ball from the opposition's feet. In that position, that kind of high defensive work is worth as much as an assist. Transition at warp speed, four passes and they're in the box. Michael Olise gets into the right angle and finishes with precision! The ball rolls into the goal, GOAL!

Jesus Christ points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. Lamine Yamal comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

Massive diagonal from Jurriën Timber! Destiny Udogie receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards. Destiny Udogie shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class. Destiny Udogie lays it off first time to Nico Williams, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely.

Michael Olise accelerates and burns past his man on the wing, nobody can keep up! Michael Olise hits the deck like he's been shot by a sniper. Replay shows absolutely nothing. Michael Olise cautioned for simulation, he's only cheated himself with that pathetic dive. Michael Olise sends the free kick in front of goal, Lamine Yamal leaps to try the header.

The physio works on Lamine Yamal's calf while the boss talks. "Their right-back is bombing forward every time. Lamine Yamal, you get in behind him the second we win it back. Destiny Udogie, play the ball early." The instructions are sharp, specific. This is a chess match now and the gaffer is moving his pieces. Reports suggest that Nico Williams once drove forty-five minutes in the wrong direction because he refused to use a sat-nav. Said it was 'cheating.' Eventually stopped at a Little Chef that had been closed since 2012. The man is 24 and proud of it. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 6767 and answer this question: 'What is the collective noun for a group of caravans blocking a road?' The dressing rooms empty and the pitch fills up again. Kobbie Mainoo does a few quick stretches on the touchline before jogging into position. Ready for war.

We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep. Lamine Yamal slides it to Nico Williams, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Nico Williams feints right, goes left, the defender is completely wrong-footed. Nico Williams goes to the byline and fires a low ball back, Lamine Yamal is unmarked at the far post. Sideways ball from Lamine Yamal to Jesus Christ, switching the point of attack, stretching the block.

Vozinha catapults the ball towards Jesus Christ from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. Jesus Christ sprays the ball into no-man's land, the pass finds nobody. Wasteful stuff at this level.

Vozinha takes his time and plays it short to Donald Trump. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. Donald Trump feeds Jesus Christ in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Quick one-two between Jesus Christ and Nico Williams, clean as you like, they are moving forward.

Destiny Udogie plays it simple to Nico Williams, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. The opponent is bundled over by Nico Williams. Not much in it, but the whistle goes.

It's in! Barranquilla Toque-Toque take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

Fifteen-yard belly slide from Vozinha, arms out like an aeroplane. Michael Olise follows in like he's skiing. Vozinha arrives at a casual walk and flops on top last. The pile is three bodies deep. The physio is already panicking about someone's back.

The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge. They're going for the jugular, this is a side in full flow. Lamine Yamal turns the game on its head with one razor-sharp pass for Kobbie Mainoo. The defence did not even have time to blink. Kobbie Mainoo puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins.

Destiny Udogie cleans up with a magnificent sliding tackle, wins possession, and plays it forward. That's the complete defensive action. What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end. Acceleration from Nico Williams down the side, he takes the space behind the full-back. It is a motorway. Good ball from Nico Williams to Donald Trump, playing it quick between the lines. Donald Trump spreads the play and finds Jurriën Timber in a motorway on the left flank. The defence is stretched thin.

1-1. Michael Olise and Vozinha are the last two off the pitch, as ever. The stadium is nearly empty, a groundsman is starting to fold up the advertising boards. "Next time," says Michael Olise. "Next time," replies Vozinha. And they vanish into the tunnel. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Valerie Dampsworth, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the collective noun for a group of caravans blocking a road?'. The answer was of course a Frustration of Caravans, not to be confused with a Despair of Tractors. Valerie wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

2-2 (L)

The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. Sublime through ball from Trent Alexander-Arnold for Jurriën Timber who ghosts between the two centre-backs. The line is broken. GOOOAL from Jurriën Timber! The ball is loose after a scramble, he has the presence of mind to prod it into the empty net. GOAL!

Trent Alexander-Arnold legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Kobbie Mainoo tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

They're turning this into a siege, the keeper's going to be busy. Michael Olise spots the run from Donald Trump and slips it in behind the defence, inch-perfect! Donald Trump aims like a surgeon on the cross from Jesus Christ! Placed finish, the keeper has no chance, GOOOOAL!

Michael Olise runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Vozinha gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

Oh what a challenge! Jurriën Timber goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. Jurriën Timber rolls it to Ansu Fati, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Quick dribble from Ansu Fati, one touch, one turn, and the defender is eliminated. Foul given against Ansu Fati, he went through the back of the opponent. Ansu Fati goes into the book at last. The referee had warned him three times already.

Unbelievable! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa score from nowhere. Their striker just smashed it in.

Michael Olise finds the gap and serves Destiny Udogie in behind the last man. That is three-cushion snooker, that is. Destiny Udogie lets it go and it's wide. Not far from the post but not quite on target. Frustrating. The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. Ansu Fati triggers a change of flanks for Jesus Christ, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads.

Vozinha rips off {his} boots and flings them into the locker with a clatter. Ansu Fati glances over but says nothing. It is goalless and the frustration is eating everyone alive. The gaffer paces the room like a caged animal. "I need more from you lot. Much more. That was like watching paint dry out there." Donald Trump once tried to negotiate a personal sponsorship deal with a local car wash and was politely told the 80-year-old didn't have 'the right brand synergy.' The car wash later went bust — karma, some say. And now, our TV game show Motorway Service Station Bingo! To win a Costa loyalty card with one stamp, text 4567 and answer: 'What is the minimum price of a sandwich at a motorway services?' Destiny Udogie leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

Jesus Christ decides to do it all himself, he eats up the ground and wipes out everything in his path. The referee POINTS to the penalty spot! Jesus Christ has been clipped at the feet inside the box. No argument, it is a penalty! The stadium is holding its collective BREATH! Jesus Christ strikes and the keeper saves it! The stopper made the right choice, he stayed patient. Short restart from Vozinha to Nico Williams, building from the back nice and tidy.

Nico Williams shifts it wide to Ansu Fati on the right, lovely ball into the space. AGONY! Ansu Fati thought he'd broken the deadlock from Lamine Yamal's ball but the linesman says offside! Beautiful distribution from Vozinha to Kobbie Mainoo, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder.

Oh that's heartbreaking! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa score right on the stroke of half-time.

They press the keeper, he launches one up the pitch into nothing. Lamine Yamal leans into the opponent and sends him off balance. Free kick. Free kick blocked by the wall! Lamine Yamal couldn't find a way through. Oh what a mess from Michael Olise's corner! Nobody can get a clean touch, a defender hacks it clear!

Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill. Destiny Udogie pings a ridiculous diagonal to Ansu Fati. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Ansu Fati wins the battle in the air against the attacker, he took the elevator while everyone else took the stairs. Firm pass from Ansu Fati into Nico Williams, right into the boots. No waste.

Lifesaving clearance from Kobbie Mainoo! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters. 80% of the ball and still 0-0, says it all really. Kobbie Mainoo keeps it short to Donald Trump, no frills, just good football intelligence. Donald Trump tries to pick out Kobbie Mainoo on the flank but the pass is straight at a defender. Missed. Ball stolen and released forward, it's an absolute rocket of a counter.

Honours even. Destiny Udogie swaps shirts with one of the Montevideo Garra-Charrúa lads, tight smile. "See you again next week, yeah?" quips Jurriën Timber, laughing. Everyone laughs. Inside, everyone knows this was three points we should've had. Tony from Warwick says eight pounds fifty for a cheese sandwich the size of a postage stamp. Costa loyalty card for Tony! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

3-2 (W)

It's a goal! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío go ahead! The ball was drilled low and hard into the corner.

Vozinha mimes smashing a penalty into the top corner, arm raised in frozen follow-through. Destiny Udogie does the wave with contortionist grace. Vozinha solemnly applauds. The home end copies the movement in cadence.

Suffocating pressure, defenders can't get out of their own half. Michael Olise meets the cross from Lamine Yamal with a HEEEEADER! The keeper is petrified, IT IS IIIN!

Michael Olise spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Vozinha gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Kobbie Mainoo shifts it to Lamine Yamal with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Lamine Yamal plays the one-two with Jurriën Timber, give and go, that is absolutely silky! GOAL for Lamine Yamal! What a DAY OF EXCEPTION for this attacker! He does it all on his own and scores!

Kobbie Mainoo spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Jurriën Timber gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Destiny Udogie pierces the backline with a low through ball, Michael Olise latches onto it at full tilt. Magnificent. Poacher's goal from Michael Olise! The keeper spilled it and Michael Olise prods the ball into the net.

Knee slide for twenty yards, Destiny Udogie arms outstretched like a crucifix, face buried in the wet turf. Jesus Christ slides in alongside, they both crash into the hoardings. Wonderwall starts up from the stands, fifty thousand voices, goosebumps territory.

Little shift from Lamine Yamal to Michael Olise, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Michael Olise finds Ansu Fati with a cut-back along the turf, the ball glides across the surface like it is on rails.

The dressing room smells of Deep Heat and good decisions. Kobbie Mainoo is sat in the corner, ice on {his} shoulder, replaying {his} tackle on the phone. "Look at that, absolutely textbook," {he} says to Jurriën Timber. The gaffer nods. "That is the level I want for the whole second half. No let-up." Here's one that'll make you smile — Donald Trump spent three hundred quid at a Blackpool arcade trying to win a stuffed monkey from a claw machine. Didn't get it. Went back the next day with another fifty. Still didn't get it. He's 80 and absolutely committed. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 2024 and answer this question: 'How tall is the average Tuesday in centimetres?' Vozinha is the last one out of the tunnel, laces done up tight, sleeves rolled up proper. The look on {his} face says everything. Let us get on with it.

The keeper stays focused, knowing something has to give. Michael Olise tries the power drive and BOOOOM! On target but the keeper gets down and blocks. Saved!

Jurriën Timber bear-hugs the attacker to stop the counter, ref blows up straight away. Jurriën Timber is booked for a tactical foul at the halfway line. Smart play, but it costs a card. The free kick from Jurriën Timber is a dangerous one, Destiny Udogie meets it on the volley inside the six-yard box. Header from Destiny Udogie, it flies just past the post, he had to hit the target there. Massive punt from Vozinha, sends the ball sixty yards, Kobbie Mainoo is scrapping for it up top.

Lamine Yamal rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Nico Williams. The far side is completely deserted. Right-footed cross from Nico Williams, the ball bends beautifully into the box and seeks out Ansu Fati. Vozinha grabs the cross like he is at the basket. Perfect take, two firm hands. Short distribution from Vozinha to Destiny Udogie, circulating at the back, the press is beaten.

Donald Trump sees what nobody else sees and puts Ansu Fati through on goal with a genius through ball. Ansu Fati peels away to celebrate from Jesus Christ's assist but the flag is already up. Heartbreaking! We're in limbo now, the VAR room is checking the footage. Both benches on their feet. The messiah can celebrate — VAR says the goal stands! What a feeling for a player in that role.

And that's a goal! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío extend their lead. We are in deep trouble here.

Superb defensive work from Kobbie Mainoo there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! Kobbie Mainoo gifts Donald Trump a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal. The flag goes up for Donald Trump, offside by a toenail! Kobbie Mainoo can't believe it.

That is a statement result! Vozinha stands at the centre circle and applauds every corner of the ground, slowly, deliberately. Jesus Christ joins him. The floodlights catch the moment perfectly. Somewhere, a photographer just got his picture of the season. Buenos Aires Pecho Frío won't forget this one. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Ethel Dripsworth, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How tall is the average Tuesday in centimetres?'. The answer was of course 147 centimetres, slightly shorter than a Wednesday. Ethel wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

2-1 (W)

Brilliant interception from Destiny Udogie, he read the passer's intention before the ball even left his foot. Destiny Udogie drops a lollipop in behind the defence, Lamine Yamal read the play perfectly and finds himself one on one. Lamine Yamal was THERE, as always! On the badly cleared ball, he prods it in and signs his trademark. GOAL!

Destiny Udogie runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Nico Williams gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

Ansu Fati accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides. Ansu Fati lays it off on the edge of the box for Jurriën Timber, it is all wide open! What FINESSE on the strike from Jurriën Timber! On the cross from Michael Olise, he caresses the ball and it is in the corner!

They've scored again! Rio Malandro FC are running riot and we can't cope.

They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. Michael Olise burns past his man with a sudden burst of acceleration, the defender is left standing. The attacker is scythed down by Michael Olise. A wild, reckless challenge that could end a career. Michael Olise is sent off after a brutal scissor tackle. The medical team rush onto the pitch. Clever free kick from Michael Olise to Destiny Udogie, they play it short to cut out the wall.

Massive clearance from Trent Alexander-Arnold, just get the ball as far away as possible. Stodgy, sluggish football, the entertainment has drained out of the game. Ansu Fati steps across the opponent and impedes the run. Obstruction. Free kick. Yellow card for Ansu Fati, caught the opponent on the shin with a wild lunge.

Jesus Christ has got the Bluetooth speaker going and there is music bouncing off the dressing room walls. Ansu Fati is doing some kind of dance that looks like a dad at a wedding. The physio is trying to tape up an ankle and cannot stop laughing. The boss shakes his head but does not say a word. Never change a winning formula. Despite the wages, Kobbie Mainoo insists on a yearly caravan holiday in Skegness with the extended family. At 21 and 175, the lad folding into a caravan shower is described by teammates as 'physically heroic.' And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 5555 and answer this question: 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?' The referee blows the whistle and the second half kicks off. Donald Trump takes the ball immediately and drives forward. No messing about.

Vozinha plays out from the back with Jurriën Timber, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. Smooth transition from Jurriën Timber to Nico Williams, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Nico Williams gives it to Destiny Udogie into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Change of flanks from Destiny Udogie, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Jesus Christ.

Enormous anticipation from Kobbie Mainoo who intercepts and kills the opposition attack stone dead. The pressing has paid off. Kobbie Mainoo slides a beauty through the gap, Jurriën Timber is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. Overlap from Jurriën Timber with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel. Great overlap from Jurriën Timber down the flank, pinpoint cross for Destiny Udogie in the area. This is the moment. Vozinha climbs and grabs the ball with both hands. The cross is killed off, the danger is gone.

Donald Trump puts his free kick on a sixpence into the area, Nico Williams comes steaming in. Nico Williams rises above his marker and wins the header! He got up higher than everyone. What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere. Michael Olise picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train. Aerial lob from Michael Olise over the defence, Nico Williams appears in behind. The touch is exquisite.

Jesus Christ hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust. Lay-off from Jesus Christ to Lamine Yamal in the heart of the box, the path to goal is clear. The crowd cannot believe it! Lamine Yamal misses in front of an open goal after the perfect service from Nico Williams. That is physically painful to watch. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare.

Every player defending like their life depends on it, the block stands firm. Kobbie Mainoo goes to ground and absolutely nails the tackle. Ball won, danger cleared, crowd on their feet. Kobbie Mainoo keeps it short to Ansu Fati, no frills, just good football intelligence. Give and go between Ansu Fati and Destiny Udogie, the timing is inch-perfect, the defender bit on the first touch.

Vozinha boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Michael Olise! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Michael Olise launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Ansu Fati, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully. Nutmeg from Ansu Fati on the defender, the humiliation is absolute.

Massive win over Rio Malandro FC! Ansu Fati is the last man off the pitch, soaking in every last decibel. The ground's half-empty but the noise is still deafening. Lamine Yamal pops his head out of the tunnel: "Oi, the pizza's getting cold!" Priorities. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Gerald Musty-Carpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?'. The answer was of course the M42, originally called the Badger's Lament until the council shortened it. Gerald wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

2-2 (L)

Short build-up from Destiny Udogie to Jurriën Timber, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. GOOOOAL from Jurriën Timber! MASTERFUL long-range strike, the ball traces a perfect line and ends in the net!

Destiny Udogie fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. Nico Williams plays the medic running in. Vozinha plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

Nico Williams finds Destiny Udogie dropping back on the short corner, a well-worked combination kicking in. Destiny Udogie drills a low ball back across the face of goal, Michael Olise is free inside the eighteen-yard box. Michael Olise was THERE! The keeper spills the strike from Nico Williams, he toes the ball into the empty net. GOAL!

Fifteen-yard belly slide from Nico Williams, arms out like an aeroplane. Ansu Fati follows in like he's skiing. Vozinha arrives at a casual walk and flops on top last. The pile is three bodies deep. The physio is already panicking about someone's back.

They're monopolizing the ball but it's all hot air, nothing in the box. Kobbie Mainoo releases Jurriën Timber with a ball into space on the left. The defence is sliding across but they are too late. Trent Alexander-Arnold threads it through to Jurriën Timber, but the assistant referee has his flag raised. Offside. Trent Alexander-Arnold boots it into touch with a last-ditch sliding clearance, the effort is desperate but it does the business. Long kick from Vozinha, Destiny Udogie positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on.

Tidy restart from Vozinha along the deck to Trent Alexander-Arnold, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Trent Alexander-Arnold spreads it to Michael Olise, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Michael Olise sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. Michael Olise floats a lobbed cross over the defence, Kobbie Mainoo pops up behind the back line. Kobbie Mainoo gets his head on it, good timing but wrong direction, it drifts wide.

Michael Olise does not fancy the shot and goes short to Trent Alexander-Arnold, trying to disorganise the defence. Step-overs from Trent Alexander-Arnold, the defender is glued to the spot. That is a joy to watch. Trent Alexander-Arnold links up with Destiny Udogie, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Destiny Udogie uses Nico Williams as a wall, the return is instant, Destiny Udogie carries on into space. Crystal clear.

The boss wipes the board clean and draws a completely new shape. "We are going 4-3-3. Lamine Yamal, you go left. Nico Williams, tuck inside." The players exchange nervous looks. Changing the system at halftime means the gaffer is not happy. Not happy at all. The mood is like waiting for exam results. Donald Trump once set off three smoke alarms trying to make beans on toast. Fire services arrived to find the 80-year-old fanning a tea towel at a cremated Warburtons loaf — an absolute state. And now, our TV game show The Chase Is On the Telly! To win a box set of every Antiques Roadshow episode, text 0800VASE and answer: 'What is the most British response to finding out your vase is worth fifty thousand pounds?' They are back. Vozinha salutes the travelling fans with a raised fist before taking {his} spot. The faithful respond in kind. Second half. Bring it on.

GOAL! Istanbul Cehennem FK have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

Vozinha mimes a baseball home run, watches the imaginary ball disappear into imaginary clouds, then jogs round the bases. Nico Williams plays the opposing manager crying on the sideline. Vozinha applauds from the centre circle. The home end losing it.

Michael Olise launches himself on the corner from Nico Williams and powers a header but it is off target. Monster clearance from Jesus Christ! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. Frustration boiling over in the stands, going in circles for ten minutes. One touch football: Nico Williams to Lamine Yamal, faster than the opposition can think. Lamine Yamal sets it for Destiny Udogie, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating.

Michael Olise plays the give-and-go with Jesus Christ, the combination is measured to the millimetre. The defensive block is pierced. Low cut-back from Michael Olise, Trent Alexander-Arnold arrives at pace and can hit it first time. Trent Alexander-Arnold plays it simple to Michael Olise, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. The one-two between Michael Olise and Lamine Yamal blows the defensive block apart. Give, run, return, done. Clinical. Low cut-back from Michael Olise, the ball threads between the defender's legs and reaches Trent Alexander-Arnold.

Nico Williams picks it up in his own half and charges forward on his own, he beats two on the way! Nico Williams tries to be clever but gets dispossessed cleanly by his direct opponent. They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing.

GOAL for Istanbul Cehennem FK! A looping header from their attacker, our keeper was stranded.

The messiah opens up to Lamine Yamal on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Turnover from Lamine Yamal, the pass is read like a book by the opposition defence. The referee pulls play back for a foul by Trent Alexander-Arnold. Held the opponent back by the arm. Trent Alexander-Arnold sends the free kick into the heart of the defence, Michael Olise pops up between two defenders.

Kobbie Mainoo clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched. Vozinha fires it out quickly by hand to Michael Olise, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart. Michael Olise changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Trent Alexander-Arnold. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Trent Alexander-Arnold weights his pass into the space for Nico Williams who collects at full pace without breaking stride. Perfection. Massive hit from Nico Williams, BOOOOM! On target but the keeper is absolutely commanding. Huge stop.

Draw. Destiny Udogie sighs into the mixed-zone microphone: "A point's better than nothing, but we wanted more." Vozinha waits his turn, water bottle in hand. Answers are short tonight. Everyone just wants to move on. Beryl from Cheltenham says the most British response is oh that's nice then quietly putting it back on the shelf. Box set is hers! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-1 (L)

Moment of truth, heroes rise or hearts break. GOOOOOAL! Michael Olise dominates his marker and powers the ball into the net with his head. The cross from Nico Williams was worth its weight in gold!

And it's a goal! Milano Piano-Piano punish us for that sloppy defending. Heads will roll.

Vozinha and Kobbie Mainoo do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Vozinha arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

Jesus Christ whips the inswinging corner in but a defender cuts out the cross at the front post. Jurriën Timber absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime. Vozinha opts for the short option to Destiny Udogie, keeping possession, building play, no panic.

Kobbie Mainoo slips Trent Alexander-Arnold in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. BANG! Trent Alexander-Arnold hits it! On target, it's flying but the keeper is there and gathers at the second attempt. Trent Alexander-Arnold aims the corner to the back post but it is headed clear by the defence.

Vozinha launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Lamine Yamal after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. Header lost for Lamine Yamal, his opponent beat him to it and won the duel with authority. Vozinha makes the right call and gathers the ball in the air. The defence can relax, the keeper is there. Little shift from Destiny Udogie to Donald Trump, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Donald Trump keeps it short to Ansu Fati, no frills, just good football intelligence.

The gaffer stops pacing and faces the squad: "We are lukewarm. And lukewarm does not win football matches. I need someone to grab this game by the throat." He stares directly at Donald Trump. "That is your job. 80 years old, best years of your life. Show me something." The room holds its breath. Kobbie Mainoo turned up to a school reunion in full kit and boots, apparently misreading the invitation. The 21-year-old spent the evening doing keepy-uppies in the car park while everyone else had a carvery. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 7788 and answer this question: 'In what century was the chippy tea declared a human right?' Here come the lads. Donald Trump jogs out at the back of the group, quiet, focused, the game plan clear in {his} head. Time to deliver.

Destiny Udogie boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there. Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. The team is building serious momentum, chances are starting to flow.

The press is suffocating, the opposition can't play out cleanly at all! Huge interception from Jurriën Timber! He cuts out the pass and drives forward. The kind of action that never shows up in the stats but changes the whole match. Brilliant switch of play from Jurriën Timber! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Destiny Udogie. Destiny Udogie sends in a classic cross, it arrives on Lamine Yamal in the thick of it.

Rabona from Ansu Fati, the audacity of the skill and the crowd wants more. Ansu Fati powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go. Cross from Ansu Fati off the left, the ball travels across the entire six-yard box and finds Trent Alexander-Arnold at the far side. COME ON Trent Alexander-Arnold rises and thumps his header! But it goes wide of the post, infuriating. Tidy restart from Vozinha along the deck to Jesus Christ, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung.

Jurriën Timber reads the attempted through ball and intercepts in stride. The defence wanted to play it quick, but Jurriën Timber was quicker. Jurriën Timber opens up to Lamine Yamal on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Lamine Yamal aims for Michael Olise but the ball is deflected off an opponent's foot. Pass cut out. Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart. Lamine Yamal opens up the space for Jesus Christ with a ground pass, the ball arrives perfectly in stride.

Ripping counter-attack, the through ball has sliced the back four open. Perfect cut-back from Michael Olise, Jesus Christ receives it on the deck in acres of space. Dream scenario. The messiah shoots but it's blocked by the defender. In that position, right to have a go but the defender read it well. Ansu Fati attempts to cross but the defender gets a foot in, blocked cleanly. Long kick from Vozinha, Donald Trump positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on.

Magnificent tackle from Destiny Udogie! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Destiny Udogie fires the ball over to Donald Trump with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book. Donald Trump drives down the flank and puts in an inswinging cross, the ball curves away from the defence and reaches Jurriën Timber. Absolute PANDEMONIUM after Jurriën Timber's corner! Three shots blocked, the defense is under siege! OHHH what a strike from Ansu Fati! On target, thundering towards goal but the keeper stands firm. Huge save.

1-1. Trent Alexander-Arnold and Kobbie Mainoo are the last two off the pitch, as ever. The stadium is nearly empty, a groundsman is starting to fold up the advertising boards. "Next time," says Trent Alexander-Arnold. "Next time," replies Kobbie Mainoo. And they vanish into the tunnel. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Beryl Curtain-Twitch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'In what century was the chippy tea declared a human right?'. The answer was of course the 21st, specifically in 2004, following a landmark case in Barnsley Crown Court. Beryl wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-1 (L)

Masterful reading from Jurriën Timber who cuts out the through ball. The timing is perfect, the anticipation is frightening. Transition of the highest order, lightning pace and clinical execution. Jesus Christ winds up and it is a BULLET! The ball travels through the box at the speed of light, GOAL!

The pile at the corner flag. Jurriën Timber is at the bottom, you count seventeen shirts, even the physio and the third-choice keeper are in there. Vozinha arrives from the other side at full sprint and dives on top. Two fans scaling the fence.

Dangerous delivery from the messiah on the free kick! In that position, knowing where to put the ball in the box is an asset that is worth its weight in gold. Nico Williams delivers the corner and it's CHAOS in there! A defender hooks it off the line! Shot blocked from Jesus Christ, the defender makes himself big and screens the ball. The shot doesn't get through. Jurriën Timber launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty.

Oh no, it's in! Sevilla Olé-Olé punish a terrible defensive error. Heads in hands.

Jurriën Timber lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war. The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. Nico Williams gives it to Lamine Yamal into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Lamine Yamal mistimes the tackle and catches the opponent's shin. Free kick.

Michael Olise charges into the press like a man possessed and rips the ball away from the midfielder. The intensity is frightening. Michael Olise chips it over the keeper but it loops up and drops onto the side netting. Close but not on target. Beautiful distribution from Vozinha to Jesus Christ, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder.

"I have seen enough sideways passing to last me a lifetime," the gaffer mutters, rubbing his temples. "We need to go forward. Direct. Purposeful. Michael Olise, stop dropping deep. Trent Alexander-Arnold, stop playing safe. I would rather we lose trying to win than draw playing like cowards." The words sting, but they are fair. And finally — Kobbie Mainoo was once mistaken for a bouncer outside a kebab shop in Romford at two in the morning. Instead of correcting them, he stood there for forty minutes checking IDs. At 175, nobody questioned it. The man is 21 and a born professional. And now, our TV game show Motorway Service Station Bingo! To win a Costa loyalty card with one stamp, text 4567 and answer: 'What is the minimum price of a sandwich at a motorway services?' And we are back underway! Jurriën Timber jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough. Jesus Christ shifts it to Jurriën Timber with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Lay-off from Jurriën Timber to Donald Trump, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Donald Trump gives it to Ansu Fati and bursts in behind the marker. The return arrives in stride. Perfection.

Corner from Michael Olise, Ansu Fati heads it but it sails over the crossbar. Frustrating! Vozinha throws it out quickly to Trent Alexander-Arnold, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Burst of speed from Trent Alexander-Arnold, he devours the left flank in a matter of seconds. Impressive. Trent Alexander-Arnold fires a low ball back across the box for Ansu Fati, the defence is caught wrong-footed.

Instinctive clearance from Kobbie Mainoo who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day. Driven kick from Vozinha to Michael Olise, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Gorgeous crossfield ball from Michael Olise to Jurriën Timber, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow. Jurriën Timber lays it off first time to Kobbie Mainoo, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely.

The free kick from Michael Olise sails across the entire box, Kobbie Mainoo is at the back post waiting. Cross from Kobbie Mainoo deflected behind for a corner, the defender read the play perfectly. The corner from Jesus Christ is met by a defender who volleys it out for a throw-in.

Ansu Fati slides it to Destiny Udogie, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Free kick to the opponents. Destiny Udogie caught his man with a stray leg. Destiny Udogie finally goes into the book. Third foul, the ref had enough of it.

Vozinha hoofs it forward towards Ansu Fati, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Ansu Fati finds Jurriën Timber between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive.

Honours even. Jesus Christ finds a corner of the dressing room, headphones on, eyes shut. Trent Alexander-Arnold walks past, taps his knee twice — silent support. The gaffer arrives: "We'll talk when everyone's ready. No rush." Well read, gaffer. Tony from Warwick says eight pounds fifty for a cheese sandwich the size of a postage stamp. Costa loyalty card for Tony! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

2-2 (L)

The whole team steps up to smother the build-up, the opposition is gasping. Lamine Yamal puts the pressure on the ball carrier and forces the error, high recovery! GOOOOOOL from Lamine Yamal! On the pass from Nico Williams, he curls it with the right foot and beats the keeper at the far post!

Jesus Christ plays the free kick into the danger zone, Lamine Yamal arrives at the penalty spot. Lamine Yamal scores the most UNFORTUNATE goal of the season! The cross from Jesus Christ bounces off his face and the ball loops over his keeper. NOOOO! The poor lad did not even understand what HAPPENED!

Jesus Christ spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Ansu Fati gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

High press all over the pitch, even the keeper is getting closed down. Classy interception from Jurriën Timber, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time. Jurriën Timber switches the play to Trent Alexander-Arnold on the far side, superb crossfield ball! Trent Alexander-Arnold curls a cross to the near post, Jesus Christ is lurking in the box.

GOAL! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein strike! Their attacker has ghosted past everyone. Too easy.

It's added time, every ball into the box could change everything. Jurriën Timber sets it for Destiny Udogie, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Monster press from Destiny Udogie! He runs, he hounds, he harasses, and he ends up winning the ball. The opposition cannot breathe.

Tactical debate in the corner. Michael Olise wants to push higher. Donald Trump reckons they will get done on the counter. The gaffer listens to both, arms folded, then makes the call: "We push up. Donald Trump, you cover. If they break, you are the last man. No arguments." The room goes quiet. Orders received. We're told that Trent Alexander-Arnold once auditioned for Strictly Come Dancing during the off-season. Didn't make it past the first round, but Craig Revel Horwood apparently said his footwork was 'not entirely dreadful,' which is high praise from that man. And now, our TV game show Marmite or Marmalade! To win a year's supply of both and a lifetime of arguments, text 4456 and answer: 'Is Marmite a food or a personality test?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Lamine Yamal wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

Step-overs from Lamine Yamal, the defender has lost the ball completely, the fans are loving it. Lamine Yamal gives it to Ansu Fati into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Just wide from Ansu Fati, needed a fraction more accuracy on that. Long ball from Vozinha for Nico Williams who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy.

The investor plays it simple to Nico Williams, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Shot blocked! Nico Williams couldn't get it past the defender who gets in the way at the last second. Corner from Jesus Christ, the ball travels across the box but a defender clears at the far post. Emergency clearance from the messiah, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play.

GOAL for München Ordnung-Muss-Sein! Their striker has slotted it home, nothing our keeper could do.

Absolutely immense from Trent Alexander-Arnold! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back. Quick transition, three touches and they're through on goal, but the finish lets them down. Jesus Christ hits the afterburners and flies past his defender, that is blistering pace. Jesus Christ links up with Ansu Fati, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Ansu Fati puts Destiny Udogie into acres with a low ball into space. The defender watches it sail past, helpless.

Quick throw from Vozinha to Ansu Fati out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. Ansu Fati rolls it to Donald Trump, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Firm pass from Donald Trump into Michael Olise, right into the boots. No waste. Michael Olise takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race. Michael Olise gets to the byline and whips one in, the ball floats into the area looking for the head of Ansu Fati.

Michael Olise plays short to Nico Williams on the corner, a classic little tactical combination. Quick one-two between Nico Williams and Lamine Yamal, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Lamine Yamal puts everything into that strike, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper is unbeatable today.

Trent Alexander-Arnold loses the header in the box, the opponent imposed himself physically. Dangerous situation. Foot save from Vozinha, the attacker thought he had scored but the keeper blocks it. Vozinha smashes a volley towards Donald Trump, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper.

Honours even. Ansu Fati swaps shirts with one of the München Ordnung-Muss-Sein lads, tight smile. "See you again next week, yeah?" quips Vozinha, laughing. Everyone laughs. Inside, everyone knows this was three points we should've had. Nigel from Margate says it's definitely a personality test and he failed it magnificently. A year of Marmite AND marmalade for Nigel! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

3-2 (W)

Beautifully worked short corner from the investor to Destiny Udogie. In that role, the ability to vary your delivery makes you a complete player. Cut-back from Destiny Udogie along the deck, the ball skids past the defence and finds Lamine Yamal centrally. GOOOAL for Lamine Yamal! He read the trajectory and slides the ball past the keeper. STRIKER'S goal!

Perfect back flip from Donald Trump right in front of the home end, five-star landing. Vozinha tries the same behind him, lands flat on his arse, the whole squad doubled over laughing. Even Vozinha has made it up, hands on knees, breathless. Proper scenes.

Jesus Christ to Ansu Fati, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Ansu Fati does not hesitate, he winds up from distance and SMASHES it! The ball finds the top corner, GOAL!

Ball won, three passes, one shot, that's top-drawer transitional football. GOAL from Donald Trump with a LOB! The keeper rushes out, Donald Trump stays COOL as ice and chips the ball over him. It drops into the empty net, that is MASTERFUL!

Donald Trump sprints to the dugout, hugs the physio, then the doc, then finally the gaffer who pretends to push him off but squeezes him anyway. Nico Williams photobombs behind with a perfect grimace. Picture of the season, right there.

Brilliant pass from Ansu Fati! The ball cuts through the defence like a hot knife through butter and Trent Alexander-Arnold is onto it. Trent Alexander-Arnold had the ball in the net from Ansu Fati's pass but the offside flag is up. Devastating! The ref is at the monitor, watching the replay over and over. The suspense is killing everyone. After the VAR check, Nico Williams's goal is given! What a relief for the fans!

Vozinha opts for the short option to Donald Trump, keeping possession, building play, no panic. Rapid combination: Donald Trump to Kobbie Mainoo, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Diagonal from Kobbie Mainoo to Destiny Udogie, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go.

"We are cruising, lads, but we keep the foot on the gas, understood?" The gaffer is calm but firm. Jurriën Timber responds with a thumbs up, mouth full of banana. Kobbie Mainoo is retying {his} boots for the third time, a habit that drives the kit man mad. The mood is confident without being cocky. Just right. Remarkable little detail about Vozinha — he spent every childhood summer in a static caravan in Blackpool. Still goes back every year, eats a stick of rock on the pier, and insists it resets his chakras. The man is 40 and living his best life. And now, our TV game show The Generation Game of Moaning! To win a cuddly toy and a conveyor belt of nostalgia, text 5678 and answer: 'What item on the conveyor belt does every British person always forget?' The ball rolls and we are back in action. Vozinha picks it up in midfield and plays it forward with purpose. The tempo has shifted. You can feel it.

GOAL! London Three-Pints find the net! Our keeper had no chance, thunderbolt of a strike.

Transition play at its ruthless best, straight through the heart of the defence. Lamine Yamal shapes up and hits it, just wide but it grazed the bar. The technique was there, the finish just wasn't. Flat atmosphere, flat game, everyone looks half asleep.

Cross after cross, corner after corner, the defence is creaking. Michael Olise goes for it and fires! Wide, just to the left of goal. Not far off at all. The opposition has eleven behind the ball and a smile on their face.

Donald Trump whips the free kick into the box for Jesus Christ, dangerous delivery! Aerial duel won by Jesus Christ in his own box. He took the lift to the top floor and cleaned up everything. Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. Lamine Yamal explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening. Chipped cross from Lamine Yamal over the defensive wall, Jesus Christ collects it behind the back line.

They're turning the screw here, wave after wave of attack. Swarming press, the opposition doesn't know which way to turn. Brilliant tackle from Destiny Udogie! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending. Authoritative clearance from Destiny Udogie in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards.

Nightmare! London Three-Pints score! That goal was coming, we've been under the cosh.

Jurriën Timber goes sliding in but the ball's already three yards away. He's just tackled the pitch. Vozinha does not clear it, he parries it down inside the box! The defence has to come back and clean up. Massive clearance from Ansu Fati in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished.

Job done. Jurriën Timber and Donald Trump stroll off arm in arm, grinning like Cheshire cats. The lads in the tunnel are already blasting music — sounds like someone's brought a speaker size of a fridge. London Three-Pints's lot are filing out quietly. Not their night. Melvyn from Huddersfield says it's always the cuddly toy because your brain goes blank when the conveyor belt starts moving. Cuddly toy for Melvyn! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.