My dream football team — football_team 🇬🇧

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-1 (L)

Luka Modrić gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side. Luka Modrić intelligently lays it off for Hiroki Sakai, everyone is taken out of the equation. Hiroki Sakai aims like a surgeon on the cross from Luka Modrić! Placed finish, the keeper has no chance, GOOOOAL!

Luka Modrić points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. Jesse Lingard comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

Nightmare! Paris Saint-Glinglin score! That goal was coming, we've been under the cosh.

The player sets off on a solo raid from deep. When a player in that position triggers a run like that, the opposition defence does not know what hit them. Peter Griffin spots the run from Jesse Lingard and slips it in behind the defence, inch-perfect! Shot from Jesse Lingard that's absolutely MILES wide! The ball lands somewhere near the hot dog stand. Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways.

Key pass from Alex Rufer! It fizzes between the lines and Chido Obi collects on the run, the defence is left for dead. The linesman flags Chido Obi offside and that is razor thin! Tim Payne throws his arms up. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions. Hollow dominance, not a single dangerous move on show.

Ayden Heaven goes to ground and takes the opponent with him. Free kick, nothing more. Ayden Heaven fires the free kick into the wall, no surprises. The wall was well organised. Tim Payne sends in a corner that could've been done with a shovel, straight out the other side.

The physio works on Ayden Heaven's calf while the boss talks. "Their right-back is bombing forward every time. Ayden Heaven, you get in behind him the second we win it back. Sergio Ramos, play the ball early." The instructions are sharp, specific. This is a chess match now and the gaffer is moving his pieces. A lovely bit of trivia here — Sergio Ramos once got stuck on the M25 for four and a half hours and claims it was the most formative experience of his career. Taught him patience, composure, and an appreciation for Radio 2. He was only 40 at the time. And now, our TV game show The Apprentice Plumber! To win a call-out from a plumber within the same calendar year, text 4123 and answer: 'How many cups of tea must you offer a tradesperson before they start working?' Kick-off! Anthony Martial wins the first challenge of the second half and the crowd roars its approval. That is the intensity we need.

Alex Paulsen sparks the transition with a quick throw to Tim Payne, the break is lightning fast. Lay-off from Tim Payne to Anthony Martial, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Anthony Martial takes on the defender in tight quarters and comes out on top. Pure talent.

Ayden Heaven with a trademark slide tackle, gets the ball and pops straight back up. The fans are on their feet! Short build-up from Ayden Heaven to Tim Payne, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Tim Payne slips Luka Modrić in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Great overlap from Luka Modrić down the flank, pinpoint cross for Chido Obi in the area. This is the moment. Cross from Chido Obi deflected behind for a corner, the defender read the play perfectly.

Free kick from Luka Modrić to the near post, Ayden Heaven gets a flick on it. Ayden Heaven meets the cross from Tim Payne with his head, it is wide! The keeper did not even move. Alex Paulsen opts for the short option to Tim Payne, keeping possession, building play, no panic.

They've turned the screw and the defence is starting to buckle. The press is suffocating, the opposition can't play out cleanly at all! Sergio Ramos with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! Almighty boot from Sergio Ramos who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe.

Alex Paulsen distributes by hand to Hiroki Sakai on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Massive diagonal from Hiroki Sakai! Peter Griffin receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards. Good cross from the player for Hiroki Sakai in the area. The bare minimum for a wide player, but done with surgical quality.

Alex Paulsen lumps it long towards Sergio Ramos, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. Aerial duel won by Sergio Ramos, he absolutely dominates in the air against the defender. Overlap from Sergio Ramos on the left, he bombs towards the byline at full tilt.

Draw against Paris Saint-Glinglin. Ayden Heaven kisses the club badge as he passes the home end — a gesture for the fans, regardless. Hiroki Sakai does the same. The squad stays tight, the season rolls on. Nights like this, you close ranks. Wayne from Luton says a minimum of four cups of tea and at least one biscuit before any tools come out. Wayne wins the plumber call-out! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

3-2 (W)

Chido Obi slides it to Tim Payne, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Tim Payne sees what nobody else sees and puts Sergio Ramos through on goal with a genius through ball. Sergio Ramos sends a cannonball under the bar, the keeper is rooted to the spot!

Chido Obi kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Hiroki Sakai takes a knee behind him. Alex Paulsen raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

GOAAAL! México No-Era-Penal score! That's a hammer blow, the fans are stunned into silence.

Alex Paulsen finds the TV camera and kisses it like a long-lost love. Hiroki Sakai plays the jealous partner alongside. The live broadcast lingers for eight solid seconds, the commentators crying with laughter. The memes are already circulating before kickoff resumes.

The player floats his free kick into the danger zone. In that position, that quality of delivery from dead balls is an absolute weapon. Tim Payne stretches in the air and powers the header of the match! On the cross from Alex Rufer, it is in the top corner. GOAL!

Anthony Martial tears into the opposition build-up, running everywhere, and ends up stealing the ball. That man is a guard dog. GOOOOOAL! Anthony Martial was THERE where he needed to be, he toes the ball into the empty net. What a fox!

Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative. They've got the ball but no idea what to do with it, dull viewing. The player finds Ayden Heaven along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Underhit ball from Ayden Heaven, the pass is too soft and an opponent nicks it.

The gaffer sits down, crosses his arms, and just watches the lads for a moment. Hiroki Sakai is chatting with Tim Payne about holiday plans. Someone is throwing grapes into someone else's mouth. The staff are relaxed, the players are relaxed. "Right, let us not get complacent," the boss finally says. "But well played. Seriously." Back on the estate, Sergio Ramos is still remembered as the kid who kicked a ball through Mrs Henderson's greenhouse in 2014. Now 40 and standing 184, the lad still legs it when he sees her at Asda. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 8989 and answer this question: 'Which day of the week weighs the most in Grimsby?' And the second half is go! Alex Rufer charges forward from kick-off like a man possessed. The gaffer watches from the technical area, arms folded. Let us see what happens.

They've scored again! México No-Era-Penal are running riot and we can't cope.

Both teams are running on empty but still throwing bodies forward. Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality. Smart pass from Peter Griffin into the hole for Luka Modrić, not to feet, into the run. That is proper football.

Stodgy, sluggish football, the entertainment has drained out of the game. Alex Rufer sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Ayden Heaven. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. Ayden Heaven links up with Peter Griffin, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up.

The gaffer is out of his technical area, demanding one last effort. Behind him the net is bare, Alex Paulsen taking every risk going. Aerial duel won by Ayden Heaven in his own box. He took the lift to the top floor and cleaned up everything. Ayden Heaven finds Sergio Ramos between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch.

Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed. Chido Obi hits the afterburners and flies past his defender, that is blistering pace. Chido Obi fires a low ball back across the box for Anthony Martial, the defence is caught wrong-footed. Anthony Martial misses the unmissable! Peter Griffin serves him in front of a gaping goal and he fires over. That is cruel.

Ayden Heaven sets it for Anthony Martial, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Perfect cut-back from Anthony Martial, Hiroki Sakai receives it on the deck in acres of space. Dream scenario. Hiroki Sakai trips over his own feet in front of the empty net! Chido Obi had done it all, what an absolute waste. We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep.

Anthony Martial pings a long diagonal to Tim Payne, completely shifts the point of attack. Tim Payne takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race. Failed dribble from Tim Payne, he tries to go past but the defender gets a foot in. Ball lost. Ball recovered and they've gone from end to end in the blink of an eye.

What a performance! Alex Paulsen exchanges jerseys with the México No-Era-Penal skipper — firm handshake, quiet word, respect between competitors. Then he turns and unleashes a primal scream at the sky. Ayden Heaven just laughs. "He does that every time we win," he tells the camera. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Pauline Drizzle-Hatch, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which day of the week weighs the most in Grimsby?'. The answer was of course Thursday, at approximately 47 kilograms, mostly due to the accumulated dread of Friday. Pauline wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

2-2 (L)

Jesse Lingard pings a ridiculous diagonal to Tim Payne. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Tim Payne whips in a cross at head height, Chido Obi anticipates and gets ahead of his marker. Own goal from Chido Obi, this is a NIGHTMARE! He tries to cut out the cross from Alex Rufer, the ball ricochets off his shin and lobs the keeper. The kind of thing you replay in your HEAD over and over at night.

Jesse Lingard mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Luka Modrić plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Alex Paulsen plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

GOAL! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

Alex Paulsen mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Chido Obi raises Alex Paulsen's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Alex Paulsen plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

The tension is unbearable, you can only hear the shouts on the pitch. Alex Paulsen getting right in the face of the opposition keeper, towering over the defenders. OHHHH the HEEEEADER from Jesse Lingard! On the gift from Anthony Martial, he plants the ball perfectly and beats the keeper!

Alex Paulsen rolls it short to Peter Griffin into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. Devastating burst of pace from Peter Griffin, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank. The player chips a lob over the defence for Chido Obi. That kind of vision is rare in that position.

Jesse Lingard clips the ball into the area with a whipped cross, Anthony Martial gets across the near post first. OH THE VOLLEY from Anthony Martial! Sublime in execution but the ball soars over the crossbar. Alex Paulsen throws it out quickly to Chido Obi, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset.

"I have seen enough sideways passing to last me a lifetime," the gaffer mutters, rubbing his temples. "We need to go forward. Direct. Purposeful. Peter Griffin, stop dropping deep. Jesse Lingard, stop playing safe. I would rather we lose trying to win than draw playing like cowards." The words sting, but they are fair. Jesse Lingard once gave a nine-minute post-match interview entirely about the weather, mentioning drizzle fourteen times. At 34, the lad has officially become a middle-aged dad trapped in a footballer's body. And now, our TV game show Marmite or Marmalade! To win a year's supply of both and a lifetime of arguments, text 4456 and answer: 'Is Marmite a food or a personality test?' Hiroki Sakai is the last one out of the tunnel, laces done up tight, sleeves rolled up proper. The look on {his} face says everything. Let us get on with it.

Ayden Heaven throws himself into the tackle and comes out with the ball. That's pure desire, that is. They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. Jesse Lingard has a go but it drifts to the right of goal. Not far away though. 80% of the ball and still 0-0, says it all really.

Cracking counter, they've knifed through the middle at full tilt. Alex Rufer accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides. Alex Rufer plays it simple to Chido Obi, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive. Rapid combination: Ayden Heaven to Sergio Ramos, the ball barely touches the grass between them. One touch football: Sergio Ramos to Tim Payne, faster than the opposition can think. Tim Payne plays it in, Anthony Martial lays it back into the run with a cushioned touch, and Tim Payne is off again. Magnificent.

Corner from Jesse Lingard and Hiroki Sakai rises for the header... over! He had the goal at his mercy. Beautiful distribution from Alex Paulsen to Luka Modrić, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. Luka Modrić aims for Hiroki Sakai but the ball is deflected off an opponent's foot. Pass cut out. High recovery from Sergio Ramos! He hounded the defender until he cracked. The pressing pays off. Sergio Ramos tries his luck, it's ON TARGEEEET but the keeper dives full stretch and pulls off a worldie!

Textbook low block, the opposition can't find a way through at all. WHAT A SAVE from Alex Paulsen! Perfect fingertip, the ball goes over the bar. The crowd erupts. Alex Paulsen hoofs it forward towards Jesse Lingard, clearance mode, no time to mess about.

It's there! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib hit the back of the net. Our goalkeeper was rooted to the spot.

Alex Paulsen rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Hiroki Sakai jumps on his back, Alex Paulsen is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

Sideways, backwards, sideways again, the crowd is getting restless. Alex Rufer sends an aerial beauty to Tim Payne, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile. Good delivery from Tim Payne off the left flank, Chido Obi positions himself between the two centre-halves. Alex Paulsen plucks the cross like picking a flower, the whole defence breathes a sigh of relief.

Level score. Peter Griffin screams at the sky out of frustration — we were leading at half time. Tim Payne boots a stray training ball as far as he can, just to let it out. The ref watches, doesn't love it, lets it go. Everyone understands. Nigel from Margate says it's definitely a personality test and he failed it magnificently. A year of Marmite AND marmalade for Nigel! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

1-0 (W)

They've turned defence into attack in one touch, that's vintage stuff. MAJESTIC GOAL from Luka Modrić! Powerful left-footed strike, the keeper was a spectator. UNDEFENDABLE!

Luka Modrić climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Sergio Ramos films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Ayden Heaven threads the needle between the two centre-backs, Hiroki Sakai bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. Flag up! Hiroki Sakai was beyond the last man when Ayden Heaven released the pass. Short distribution from Alex Paulsen to Ayden Heaven, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. What a tackle by Ayden Heaven! Times it to perfection, nicks the ball, and the ref waves play on. Outstanding.

The player shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Sergio Ramos. Pure quality, as per usual. Acceleration from Sergio Ramos down the side, he takes the space behind the full-back. It is a motorway. Sergio Ramos tries to power past but the defender stands firm and wins the ball. Lightning-quick counter, they've torn up the pitch in six seconds flat.

Step-overs from Jesse Lingard followed by an explosion of pace, the defender buys the feint and eats the dust. Jesse Lingard charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible. Jesse Lingard delivers from the byline, Chido Obi is on the penalty spot, ready to finish.

The referee grants extra minutes, both teams digging into their last reserves. They're going for broke, nothing can stop them now. Chido Obi fires wide, not far from the post though! We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back.

Tea and biscuits are doing the rounds in the dressing room. Alex Rufer has nabbed three custard creams before anyone else gets a look in. "Oi, leave some for the rest of us, you greedy sod," shouts Hiroki Sakai from across the room. The gaffer is smiling. When the biscuit tin comes out, you know things are going well. Hiroki Sakai is a known charity shop addict who once found a vintage Gazza shirt in an Oxfam for three quid. The 36-year-old wore it under the kit for six straight matches as a lucky charm. And now, our TV game show The Apprentice Plumber! To win a call-out from a plumber within the same calendar year, text 4123 and answer: 'How many cups of tea must you offer a tradesperson before they start working?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Tim Payne is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Hiroki Sakai lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war. Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper. Sterile stuff this, pass after pass going nowhere fast.

Sideways ball from Tim Payne to Peter Griffin, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Peter Griffin frees up the entire channel for Alex Rufer with a ball into space. The defence is caught on the wrong foot. Lazy pass from Alex Rufer, the ball drags along the ground and an opponent strolls over to collect. Classy interception from Anthony Martial, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time.

Every throw-in becomes a corner, every corner becomes a chance. Jesse Lingard reaches the byline and cuts it back for Ayden Heaven arriving from the second wave. Ayden Heaven crosses but it is a poor delivery, it goes three yards wide of Anthony Martial. Clearance from Sergio Ramos under pressure, the ball flies into touch on the far side. It is not in the coaching manual but it works.

Rampart defense, the opposition can't try anything dangerous at all. OHHH Alex Paulsen pushes it for a corner with a perfect fingertip save! The attacker cannot believe it, that was in! Alex Paulsen smashes a volley towards Tim Payne, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper.

Luka Modrić puts his corner into the box but the defence is solid, cleared away. Jesse Lingard rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Hiroki Sakai. The far side is completely deserted. Hiroki Sakai rolls it to Chido Obi, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Chido Obi picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train.

FULL TIME! Ayden Heaven jumps on Sergio Ramos's back for a piggyback ride toward the dugout. The bench erupts. The kitman is doing a jig nobody asked for. Dakar Teranga FC shake hands and disappear, but we're staying. This moment deserves to be savoured. Wayne from Luton says a minimum of four cups of tea and at least one biscuit before any tools come out. Wayne wins the plumber call-out! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

3-2 (W)

GOAL for Douala Makossa-Corner! Their striker has slotted it home, nothing our keeper could do.

Alex Paulsen stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Hiroki Sakai comes over and hugs him without a word.

The player goes for the short corner to Ayden Heaven, great vision. In that position, having the awareness to build rather than force it makes you stand out. Ayden Heaven plays it back across the floor in the box, Luka Modrić receives centrally. This is the textbook cut-back. GOOOOOAL! Luka Modrić is 4 yards from the empty net, he just has to brush the ball. EASY GOAL but well taken!

The pile at the corner flag. Peter Griffin is at the bottom, you count seventeen shirts, even the physio and the third-choice keeper are in there. Alex Paulsen arrives from the other side at full sprint and dives on top. Two fans scaling the fence.

Luka Modrić gives it to Anthony Martial into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Anthony Martial gets to the byline and drills a low cut-back, Luka Modrić is there to meet it. Luka Modrić touches the ball with incredible softness and sends it into the bottom corner! GOAL, sublime stuff!

Tim Payne anticipates the lofted pass and intercepts with his chest. Total control, maximum game intelligence. Lightning recovery and attack, they're running riot on the break. Luka Modrić aims and places it BEAUTIFULLY! Curled strike, the ball brushes the post and rocks the net!

Tim Payne falls to his knees in front of the family section, eyes shut, hands pressed together to the sky. Three seconds of silence in the stadium. Then Hiroki Sakai arrives and screams in his ear, and the whole thing explodes. Goosebumps.

Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. Chido Obi opens up the space for Peter Griffin with a ground pass, the ball arrives perfectly in stride. Peter Griffin looks up and swings in a floated cross, Anthony Martial rises among the defenders. Header from Anthony Martial, he did everything right except the finish! It goes wide, the keeper thanks the woodwork.

The boss writes three words on the board: KEEP. IT. GOING. Then turns to face the group. "I do not need to say much. You know what you are doing out there. Tim Payne, you have been outstanding. Alex Paulsen, keep that right side locked down. The rest of you, same again. Let us finish this properly." A peculiar superstition from Chido Obi — he has to tap the crossbar three times and whisper 'come on then' before every match. Nobody knows who he's talking to. The kitman thinks it's the ghost of a Victorian goalkeeper. He's been doing it since he was seventeen. And now, our TV game show Marmite or Marmalade! To win a year's supply of both and a lifetime of arguments, text 4456 and answer: 'Is Marmite a food or a personality test?' And the second half is go! Alex Paulsen charges forward from kick-off like a man possessed. The gaffer watches from the technical area, arms folded. Let us see what happens.

The one-two between Luka Modrić and Peter Griffin blows the defensive block apart. Give, run, return, done. Clinical. Luka Modrić explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening. Free kick to the opponents. Luka Modrić caught his man with a stray leg. Luka Modrić plays the free kick short to Tim Payne, clever little combination to catch the defence off guard.

Ayden Heaven intercepts in the opposition half, he read the play three seconds before anyone else. That is defensive caviar. Wing switch from Ayden Heaven, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Jesse Lingard brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Wasteful from Jesse Lingard on that pass, the ball does not arrive. Alex Rufer throws his arms up in frustration. Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. Ayden Heaven slides the ball into space for Jesse Lingard, he is away down the middle.

Sergio Ramos never gives up, tracks all the way back and cuts out the killer pass. Huge mentality. Sergio Ramos slides in but gets the man before the ball. Free kick, no complaints. Sergio Ramos whips the free kick into the box for Tim Payne, dangerous delivery! Alex Paulsen comes off his line and claims the high ball. The fans love it, that is proper authority.

Alex Paulsen plays out from the back with Luka Modrić, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. Luka Modrić loses the header against the towering forward. The size difference told the story. Luka Modrić rises and smashes his header... but it goes over. Just a touch too much power.

It's hit the back of the net! Douala Makossa-Corner lead and we look completely lost.

A thousand passes ending with a backpass to the keeper, utterly frustrating. Peter Griffin pulls the trigger and it's an absolute shambles. Goes right, very very right. Alex Paulsen launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Ayden Heaven after a fifty-yard flight. Old school.

Sergio Ramos feeds Tim Payne in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Ball over the top from Tim Payne, Chido Obi had timed the run half a second early and the timing is perfection. The linesman's flag goes up for Chido Obi, offside by centimetres! Hiroki Sakai wanted that one badly. Short restart from Alex Paulsen to Jesse Lingard, building from the back nice and tidy. Crunching tackle by Jesse Lingard on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it.

What a result against Douala Makossa-Corner! Hiroki Sakai walks over to the travelling support, puts his hand on his heart, and bows. Alex Paulsen follows and throws his boots into the crowd. Some lad in row G is going home with a size 9 souvenir. Scenes. Nigel from Margate says it's definitely a personality test and he failed it magnificently. A year of Marmite AND marmalade for Nigel! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

2-1 (W)

Luka Modrić spreads it to Tim Payne, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Tim Payne gifts Sergio Ramos a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal. GOOOOOAL for Sergio Ramos! Curled left-footed effort, the ball describes a perfect arc and ends in the net!

The crowd is on its feet, every ball is ending up in the box. Alex Paulsen coming up, it's Russian roulette now, one counter-attack and it's over. GOOOOAL! Peter Griffin meets the cross from Jesse Lingard with his head and sends the ball into the top corner! What a spectacle!

Quick combination between Luka Modrić and Jesse Lingard, give and go, the defender did not see it coming. Sergio Ramos launches a long ball for Luka Modrić, but he's well offside. Defence did well. Alex Paulsen finds Sergio Ramos with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money. Quick one-two between Sergio Ramos and Ayden Heaven, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Ayden Heaven shakes off the defender with a sharp cut, the path is clear.

Ayden Heaven puts Tim Payne into orbit with a laser-guided through ball. The kind of pass that lifts an entire stadium to its feet. JUST WIIIIIDE from Tim Payne! Right idea but it slides past the far post by inches. The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. Superb diagonal from the player to Hiroki Sakai, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it.

Ayden Heaven intercepts in the danger zone, he read the opposition's combination as if he had the match script in his back pocket. Lovely quick transition, but the final decision-making is terrible. Absolute peach from Sergio Ramos, threading it through for Alex Rufer, the centre-halves are done for!

Hiroki Sakai has got the Bluetooth speaker going and there is music bouncing off the dressing room walls. Ayden Heaven is doing some kind of dance that looks like a dad at a wedding. The physio is trying to tape up an ankle and cannot stop laughing. The boss shakes his head but does not say a word. Never change a winning formula. Now this is properly British — Alex Paulsen once spent an entire bank holiday Monday sitting in a car park in the rain, eating a Cornish pasty and listening to TalkSport. When asked why, he simply said 'because it's a bank holiday.' The lad is 24 and gets it. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 2024 and answer this question: 'How tall is the average Tuesday in centimetres?' And they are off! Alex Paulsen touches the ball first and lays it wide. The tempo is up already. Whatever the gaffer said at halftime, it has done the trick.

They've done it! Lagos No-Carry-Last find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Alex Paulsen climbs onto Chido Obi's shoulders, arms spread, like a living statue in the centre circle. Alex Paulsen circles round them pretending to take photos with an imaginary phone. The Kop chants 'Champions' at full volume.

Magnificent low block, holding out like a besieged fortress. Huge tackle from Hiroki Sakai! Went through the back door and nicked the ball before the striker could get his shot away. Hiroki Sakai to Anthony Martial, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Wall combination between Anthony Martial and Alex Rufer, fluid, rapid, and it creates an overload going forward.

Luka Modrić gets up well on the corner from Peter Griffin but his header is too high. Cannot find the frame. Jesse Lingard clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched. Peter Griffin dominates his marker in the air, powerful header to clear the danger. He is the king of the aerial game. They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass.

Alex Rufer takes the corner but the opposition defence is well organized, cleared. Emergency clearance from Hiroki Sakai, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe. Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill. Little shift from Hiroki Sakai to Chido Obi, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Chido Obi eliminates his opponent with a short piece of skill, absolutely surgical.

Alex Paulsen distributes short to Hiroki Sakai, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Hiroki Sakai is dominated in the aerial duel, the attacker is simply stronger in the air on that occasion. Perfect aerial claim from Alex Paulsen! He gathers the cross in his box, that is SOLID. Sergio Ramos lays it off first time to Alex Rufer, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely.

Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. Chido Obi picks it up and goes coast to coast like a man possessed. Nobody is stopping him. Terrible timing from Chido Obi on that challenge, arrives a second late and the attacker breezes past. The referee shows red to Tim Payne. Last defender, he brought down the attacker who was away. Rules are rules.

FULL TIME! Alex Paulsen jumps on Ayden Heaven's back for a piggyback ride toward the dugout. The bench erupts. The kitman is doing a jig nobody asked for. Lagos No-Carry-Last shake hands and disappear, but we're staying. This moment deserves to be savoured. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Ethel Dripsworth, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How tall is the average Tuesday in centimetres?'. The answer was of course 147 centimetres, slightly shorter than a Wednesday. Ethel wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

1-0 (W)

Transition at warp speed, four passes and they're in the box. Alex Rufer lobs the keeper with DISCONCERTING ease! A little dink with the right foot, the ball sails over the keeper and lands in the net. GOAL of WORLD CLASS quality!

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment Alex Rufer strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. Tim Payne points at it, jaw on the floor. Alex Paulsen shakes his head, not believing it.

Possession flipped in a heartbeat, textbook transition football. Luka Modrić reaches the byline and rolls it back along the ground, Chido Obi receives it in the box. It is on a plate. The shot from Chido Obi is blocked, the defender put his body on the line. The cross from Anthony Martial is blocked by the centre-back. The back line is not letting anything through. Long ball from Alex Paulsen for Jesse Lingard who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy.

Team goes on the counter but the final pass is too short, all wasted. Jesse Lingard hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust. Jesse Lingard gets to the byline and cuts it back low, Luka Modrić just needs to sidefoot it home. Incredible miss from Luka Modrić! Sergio Ramos does everything right and he fluffs it in front of an open goal. Unforgivable.

Hiroki Sakai unleashes a raking ball out to Sergio Ramos, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Sergio Ramos sprays the ball into no-man's land, the pass finds nobody. Wasteful stuff at this level. Alex Rufer boots it into touch with a last-ditch sliding clearance, the effort is desperate but it does the business. Chido Obi drops a lofted ball to Jesse Lingard, it sails over the entire midfield line.

Launching long balls into the box, it's route one now. BANG! Anthony Martial hits it! On target, it's flying but the keeper is there and gathers at the second attempt.

The boss writes three words on the board: KEEP. IT. GOING. Then turns to face the group. "I do not need to say much. You know what you are doing out there. Alex Rufer, you have been outstanding. Alex Paulsen, keep that right side locked down. The rest of you, same again. Let us finish this properly." Brilliant little nugget — Sergio Ramos has a recurring dream where he's stuck in a Harvester salad bar that never ends. He told the club psychologist, who apparently just said 'that's very normal for a man your height.' He's 184, for the record. And now, our TV game show Escape to the Country Lane! To win directions to a village with no phone signal, text 0800RURAL and answer: 'How far from the nearest Tesco Express must you live before it counts as the countryside?' The referee blows the whistle and the second half kicks off. Hiroki Sakai takes the ball immediately and drives forward. No messing about.

You can feel the stadium rising, the goal feels like it's coming. Luka Modrić sends in a curling delivery, Anthony Martial peels off the back of his marker and finds space. Corner from Anthony Martial, deflected at the near post, ricochets, CHAOS! Defense clears off the line! The shot from Chido Obi doesn't get through, the defender blocks it with his legs. Well read.

Alex Paulsen sends an absolute rocket towards Anthony Martial, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch. Good ball from Anthony Martial to Jesse Lingard, playing it quick between the lines. Diagonal from Jesse Lingard to Sergio Ramos, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Sergio Ramos overlaps on the wing with frightening ease, the defender is made to look silly. Sergio Ramos rolls it back across the turf, Tim Payne is lurking in the box, ready to pounce.

Alex Paulsen plays it short to Ayden Heaven, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Ayden Heaven reads that pass like an open book, surgical interception. Supersonic transition, but the final shot ends up in the clouds. Solo charge from Peter Griffin, he sets off from his own box and carries the ball the full length of the field. Wide from the player! The ball licks the post. In that role, that shooting ability is a real asset, the next one's going in.

The corner from Peter Griffin picks out Ayden Heaven in the box, glancing header but it drifts past the post. Driven kick from Alex Paulsen to Alex Rufer, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Dominant header from Alex Rufer on the corner, he outmuscles his marker and wins the aerial duel. The ground shakes.

WHAT A WIN! Luka Modrić and Hiroki Sakai do their signature handshake — twelve steps, three fist bumps, and something involving elbows that nobody else can replicate. The fans try to copy it in the stands. It goes badly. Everyone loves it anyway. Hilary from Surrey says at least three miles from a Tesco Express and you need at least one cow visible from the window. Directions for Hilary! Coming up after the break: 'Escape to the Country, but the budget is £47 and the country is a layby near Swindon.' Dreams are free. Houses are not.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

2-1 (W)

Chido Obi swoops like a bird of prey on the defender and rips the ball away. Devastating press, the opposition is suffocating. Blistering transition, defence caught cold and carved wide open. Alex Rufer takes his bearings and STRIIIIKES! It is placed, it is on target, IT IS IIIIN!

Chido Obi legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Ayden Heaven tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Hiroki Sakai reads the game like nobody else, he cuts out the cross-field pass and launches a counter immediately. Hiroki Sakai catches everyone off guard and SHOOTS from 25 yards! The ball explodes top bins, GOAL!

GOAL! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa are celebrating! Their attacker made it look far too easy.

We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. Firm pass from Tim Payne into Alex Rufer, right into the boots. No waste. Low cut-back from Alex Rufer, the ball threads between the defender's legs and reaches Jesse Lingard. Oh no Jesse Lingard! Served on a plate by Luka Modrić, all alone with an open goal, and he fires wide! Flat atmosphere, flat game, everyone looks half asleep.

We're into injury time, the atmosphere could not be more charged. Alex Rufer plays the simple ball to Jesse Lingard, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. With one swing of the boot, Jesse Lingard finds Anthony Martial on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. Good run from Anthony Martial who crosses to the near post for Alex Rufer. The defender is beaten to it.

The boss pulls Peter Griffin aside: "You have been absolutely magnificent out there, mate. 70 years old and running the show like you own the place. Keep doing what you are doing." Peter Griffin just nods, half-smile on {his} face, the quiet confidence of someone who knows {he} is having a blinder. Club sources confirm Tim Payne has a standing order at the local chippy for a large cod, chips, curry sauce, and a pickled egg every Friday without exception. At 32, the 179-tall star calls it 'essential recovery nutrition.' And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 8989 and answer this question: 'Which day of the week weighs the most in Grimsby?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Ayden Heaven high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

Lovely on the eye but completely sterile, no penetration at all. Peter Griffin opens up to Luka Modrić on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. GO ON Luka Modrić! He SHOOOOOTS, it's on target but the keeper punches it clear with both fists!

Quick throw from Alex Paulsen to Sergio Ramos out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. Brilliant switch of play from Sergio Ramos! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Luka Modrić. Luka Modrić nutmegs the defender, the opponent is left on the floor. Filthy.

Alex Rufer puts an inswinger in, a defender at the near post does the business and clears. Peter Griffin spots Tim Payne in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness.

Smooth transition from Luka Modrić to Chido Obi, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Chido Obi lets it go and it's wide. Not far from the post but not quite on target. Frustrating. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare. Great vision from Luka Modrić who switches to Tim Payne. The defence pivots, but they are too late.

Chido Obi launches it to Peter Griffin on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. The player produces the tackle of the match, impeccable timing and technique. That ability to read the game defensively from that position is absolutely priceless. Peter Griffin delivers a tidy ball to Ayden Heaven, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Ayden Heaven accelerates and burns past his man on the wing, nobody can keep up! Ayden Heaven puts the ball right into the mixer, Tim Payne arrives in the middle of the defensive cluster.

Tim Payne picks out Chido Obi with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Chido Obi takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race. Chido Obi floats a cross in from the wing for Hiroki Sakai, the ball hangs in the box! Cross far too long from Hiroki Sakai, the ball bypasses everyone and goes out by the far post.

Superb! Luka Modrić jogs toward the tunnel but stops, turns around, and takes one last look at the pitch under the lights. Anthony Martial waits for him at the door: "Beautiful, isn't it?" Luka Modrić nods. They disappear inside. The muffled sound of celebration follows. Magic night. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Pauline Drizzle-Hatch, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which day of the week weighs the most in Grimsby?'. The answer was of course Thursday, at approximately 47 kilograms, mostly due to the accumulated dread of Friday. Pauline wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

1-1 (L)

Tim Payne senses the pass coming and cuts the trajectory. The opponent is dispossessed without even being touched. That is football at its beautiful best. Tim Payne embarks on a mazy solo run from his own half, he beats one, two, three opponents. GOOOOOAL! Tim Payne lets his technique do the talking, he curls it on the pass from Luka Modrić and the ball nestles in the corner!

Tim Payne slides onto his belly right in front of a pitchside photographer and gives him a thumbs up. The bloke takes the most cinematic photo of his career. Chido Obi photobombs from behind. Front pages tomorrow.

Sterile possession, the opposition back four could have a picnic. Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality. Crossfield pass from Luka Modrić to Ayden Heaven, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet.

Luka Modrić plays the give-and-go with Hiroki Sakai, the combination is measured to the millimetre. The defensive block is pierced. Luka Modrić lights the fuse with a cutting pass for Hiroki Sakai down the channel. The defence is caught cold, it is over for them. OH NO! Hiroki Sakai is offside by half a yard at most, Peter Griffin's ball in behind was superb. Long kick from Alex Paulsen, Anthony Martial positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Anthony Martial launches himself and thumps a dominant header on the cross. The opponent was still on the ground while Anthony Martial was flying.

Jesse Lingard plays a low free kick into the box, Ayden Heaven cuts across to meet it in front of goal. Corner from Ayden Heaven, it drops in the six-yard box, CHAOS! A defender wellies it clear! Peter Griffin hits it first time but the defender reads the trajectory and blocks. Smart defending. The player launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters.

Oh dear oh dear! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío score and the dugout is fuming. Rightly so.

Alex Paulsen mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Tim Payne plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Alex Paulsen plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

VAR complaints are flying around the dressing room. "That was a stonewall penalty, how has he not given that?" Alex Rufer is livid, gesturing wildly. Alex Paulsen chips in: "Absolute shambles, the officiating." The gaffer cuts them off: "Forget the ref. We control what we can control. Now sit down and listen." We're told that Alex Paulsen once auditioned for Strictly Come Dancing during the off-season. Didn't make it past the first round, but Craig Revel Horwood apparently said his footwork was 'not entirely dreadful,' which is high praise from that man. And now, our TV game show Wheel of Misfortune! To win a family pass to a motorway services Burger King, text 0800M25 and answer: 'How many hours does it take to travel one junction on the M25 on a Friday?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Alex Rufer wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

Granite defense, every tackle clean, every clearance powerful. Alex Paulsen comes out like a missile and blocks the strike! The attacker thought he had a clear run, the keeper said NO. Authoritative clearance from Hiroki Sakai in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards. Interception from Jesse Lingard who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of Jesse Lingard.

They're turning the screw here, wave after wave of attack. Looping cross from Luka Modrić, it sails over the centre-halves and drops towards Alex Rufer. Danger. Corner from Alex Rufer, straight into the mixer! It's a right old scramble, a defender clears off the line! Ayden Heaven shoots but it's deflected by the defender who threw himself in like a hero.

Anthony Martial puts the pressure on the ball carrier and forces the error, high recovery! Oh no Anthony Martial! Sends it into row Z, that is miles and miles away from the target. Alex Paulsen goes long for Anthony Martial, the ball flies straight into the opposition half.

Tidy restart from Alex Paulsen along the deck to Sergio Ramos, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. It is not happening for Sergio Ramos, the pass to Tim Payne is weak, half-hearted, and the opponent pounces. Counter from their own goal, and all that just to butcher the cross. Line-breaking pass from Chido Obi! The ball slices through the centre-halves and Alex Rufer picks it up at full pace. Devastating. Alex Rufer tries the curler... it bends beautifully but slides just past the post. AGONISING.

High press all over the pitch, even the keeper is getting closed down. Ferocious press from Peter Griffin! He sticks to the carrier, hounds him, and ends up winning the ball. The dirty work that makes great players. Brilliant pass from Peter Griffin! The ball cuts through the defence like a hot knife through butter and Tim Payne is onto it. Tim Payne rifles one in, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper comes up big. Corner to the attacking side.

Alex Rufer goes crossfield to Luka Modrić, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Luka Modrić puts it right into the feet of Sergio Ramos, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Sergio Ramos shifts it to Tim Payne with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Tim Payne bounces off Hiroki Sakai, gets it back in stride, and it is done. The kind of combination that makes football beautiful.

Points shared with Buenos Aires Pecho Frío. Anthony Martial slumps against the corner flag for a few seconds before pulling himself up. Chido Obi has a chinwag with their number 10 — old pals from the academy days. Football brings people together, even when nobody's really won. Karen from Slough says roughly four and a half hours per junction, which she verified last Bank Holiday. Enjoy your Burger King, Karen! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

3-2 (W)

Individual run from Alex Rufer, he sets off from his own half, beats two men and finds himself one on one with the keeper. Alex Rufer goes down in the box after contact with the defender. The referee does not hesitate for a SECOND and awards a penalty! CRUCIAL moment of the match! GOOOAL! Alex Rufer sends the penalty in with a POWERFUL and PRECISE strike! The keeper was beaten. CONVERTED!

Alex Rufer sprints to the dugout, hugs the physio, then the doc, then finally the gaffer who pretends to push him off but squeezes him anyway. Tim Payne photobombs behind with a perfect grimace. Picture of the season, right there.

Jesse Lingard lobs the back line with a sublime cross, Hiroki Sakai collects behind the defence. That is the match-winning ball. GOAL! PHENOMENAL overhead kick from Hiroki Sakai! He jumps, rotates in the air on the cross from Jesse Lingard and strikes the ball in full flight. The keeper did not see a THING! EXCEPTIONAL!

Jesse Lingard legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Sergio Ramos tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

It's a goal! Rio Malandro FC go ahead! The ball was drilled low and hard into the corner.

Alex Paulsen mimes a baseball home run, watches the imaginary ball disappear into imaginary clouds, then jogs round the bases. Tim Payne plays the opposing manager crying on the sideline. Alex Paulsen applauds from the centre circle. The home end losing it.

Massive punt from Alex Paulsen, sends the ball sixty yards, Sergio Ramos is scrapping for it up top. Sergio Ramos looks for Jesse Lingard with a ball in behind but it is massively overhit. The opposition keeper collects without moving. Luka Modrić with the last-ditch tackle, gets every bit of the ball and none of the man. The ref's happy, we're happy. Enormous clearance from Luka Modrić inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it.

What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. SHOOOOT from Luka Modrić... just wide! Shaves the post, so close to going in. Alex Paulsen boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Hiroki Sakai! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Quick exchange between Hiroki Sakai and Anthony Martial, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows.

The boss writes three words on the board: KEEP. IT. GOING. Then turns to face the group. "I do not need to say much. You know what you are doing out there. Alex Paulsen, you have been outstanding. Luka Modrić, keep that right side locked down. The rest of you, same again. Let us finish this properly." You'll love this — Sergio Ramos, all 184 of him, has an irrational fear of roundabouts. Not on the pitch, mind you — actual road roundabouts. His teammate has to drive him to training because the Magic Roundabout in Swindon gave him nightmares. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 7777 and answer this question: 'Which British prime minister invented the roundabout?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Hiroki Sakai wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

Jesse Lingard whips the ball into the box from the free kick, Luka Modrić throws himself at it for a header. Cross from Luka Modrić blocked at the defender's feet. The attempt comes to nothing.

Disaster! Rio Malandro FC score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

Hiroki Sakai throws himself into the passing lane and comes away with the ball. Phenomenal reading of the game. Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal. Alex Rufer pierces the backline with a low through ball, Sergio Ramos latches onto it at full tilt. Magnificent.

Alex Paulsen takes his time and plays it short to Ayden Heaven. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. Ayden Heaven looks for Alex Rufer but the pass is way too long, that is going out for a throw-in. Stunning tackle by Anthony Martial in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. Anthony Martial launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Luka Modrić, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully. Driven cross from Luka Modrić into the box, Chido Obi arrives at full pace at the near post. This smells like a goal.

They're away in transition, pace to burn, it's like watching a freight train. BY A WHISKER! Anthony Martial fires and the ball shaves the right post before spinning out. The goal was right there. Alex Paulsen catapults the ball towards Tim Payne from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot.

Ping-pong between the two boxes, every ball is a chance. What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end. Jesse Lingard floats it into the gap for Ayden Heaven, the ball skims through the grass and arrives at just the right spot. Ayden Heaven charges past his man, the defence is stretched on the flank. Dangerous.

Luka Modrić does not fancy the shot and goes short to Jesse Lingard, trying to disorganise the defence. Jesse Lingard keeps it short to Luka Modrić, no frills, just good football intelligence.

Three points in the bag! Luka Modrić sits on the pitch for a moment, just taking it all in — the floodlights, the noise, the lot. Alex Rufer drags him up: "Come on, the lads are waiting!" The dressing room door closes and you can hear the celebrations from the car park. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Norman Pebbledash, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which British prime minister invented the roundabout?'. The answer was of course Lord Palmerston, who was going around in circles politically and decided to make it literal. Norman wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

3-2 (W)

Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. Luka Modrić picks up the ball and decides to go end to end, defenders fall one by one. GOOOOOOL from Luka Modrić! On the pass from Jesse Lingard, he curls it with the right foot and beats the keeper at the far post!

Luka Modrić does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Tim Payne launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Alex Paulsen arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

Benches up, fans up, the whole place is bedlam. Broken at speed, the lads have bombed forward like their lives depend on it. OOOOH the MONSTER strike from Chido Obi! On the pass from Luka Modrić, he unleashes an unstoppable missile!

GOAL for Istanbul Cehennem FK! You can't defend like that and expect to get away with it.

Tim Payne sees everything, understands everything, and intercepts at the perfect moment. That is the kind of player who makes a team unbeatable. They've broken at pace and the back line is nowhere to be seen. Peter Griffin winds up and it is a BULLET! The ball travels through the box at the speed of light, GOAL!

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment Tim Payne strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. Chido Obi points at it, jaw on the floor. Alex Paulsen shakes his head, not believing it.

Perfectly executed challenge by Tim Payne, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb. Lovely use of the ball by Tim Payne, finding Peter Griffin in a tight pocket of space. Quality. The player misplaces his pass to Ayden Heaven, the ball goes nowhere. Not his finest moment. Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly.

The physio announces the GPS stats: "Peter Griffin has covered seven kilometres already." Anthony Martial shouts: "That is because {he} has been chasing their winger all half!" Peter Griffin fires back: "At least I caught him, unlike you last week." Laughter all round. The gaffer taps the board. "Focus, lads. Same energy second half." A teammate has confirmed that Ayden Heaven watches Bargain Hunt religiously and shouts at the telly when contestants overpay. He once phoned in to complain about a Staffordshire pottery valuation. The man is 20 and fully invested in daytime antiques. And now, our TV game show Homes Under the Hammer Price! To win a doorknob from a house that needed a lot of work, text 0800FIXER and answer: 'What does a lot of potential mean in estate agent language?' The tunnel spits the players back onto the pitch one by one. Ayden Heaven comes out with that walk. You know the one. Shoulders back, chest out. Something has clicked.

Monster clearance from Alex Paulsen, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Anthony Martial. Anthony Martial loses the header, physically outmatched by his marker. It happens, but at this stage of the match it hurts. DIVING SAVE from Alex Paulsen! He stretches and pushes the ball away. That kind of save is just inhuman. The corner from Jesse Lingard finds Peter Griffin who heads it, goes over the bar. Missed chance.

GOAL for Istanbul Cehennem FK! A looping header from their attacker, our keeper was stranded.

Their midfielder is hounded off the ball, hoofs it into the stands. Ayden Heaven wants to play it quick but the pass to Peter Griffin is wayward, lacking any precision. Masterful reading from Ayden Heaven who cuts out the through ball. The timing is perfect, the anticipation is frightening. Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper.

Alex Paulsen plays it along the ground to Anthony Martial, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. Absolutely immense from Anthony Martial! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back. Quick exchange between Anthony Martial and Peter Griffin, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows.

The free kick from Luka Modrić is a dangerous one, Jesse Lingard meets it on the volley inside the six-yard box. Jesse Lingard rises above his marker and wins the header! He got up higher than everyone. Panicked clearance from Jesse Lingard, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done.

Quick one-two between Peter Griffin and Luka Modrić, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Horizontal possession, never a ball that breaks the lines. The player lets fly and it's wide. Flirted with the frame though. In that position, with a tiny bit more precision that's going in.

The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded. Foul given against Alex Rufer, he went through the back of the opponent. Deserved booking for Alex Rufer, he'd been getting away with murder all half. Alex Rufer strikes the free kick and the wall rises in front of it. No way through.

That's what it MEANS! Tim Payne rips off his shirt and whips it around his head, sprinting toward the corner flag. Sergio Ramos catches up and they collide in a mess of limbs and pure joy. The gaffer's fist-pumping on the touchline. Istanbul Cehennem FK are done. Absolutely done. Pauline from Wakefield says a lot of potential means the roof is missing and there may be foxes living in the bathroom. Doorknob for Pauline! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-0 (W)

Sergio Ramos links up with Luka Modrić, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Wicked through ball from Luka Modrić, the ball skims the grass and finds Peter Griffin who had set off before anyone else even noticed. OHHHH the THUNDERBOLT from Peter Griffin! On the assist from Alex Rufer, he rocks the net with a DEVASTATING strike!

Sergio Ramos mimes a baseball home run, watches the imaginary ball disappear into imaginary clouds, then jogs round the bases. Jesse Lingard plays the opposing manager crying on the sideline. Alex Paulsen applauds from the centre circle. The home end losing it.

Sergio Ramos produces a sensational tackle in the box, wins the ball, no penalty shout. That takes serious courage. Switch from Sergio Ramos! The ball arcs over the midfield and Anthony Martial collects it on the other side. Stretching the play.

Alex Paulsen fires it out quickly by hand to Hiroki Sakai, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart. Huge aerial duel won by Hiroki Sakai, he jumped so high he could have caught a passing plane. Hiroki Sakai shifts it to Luka Modrić with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Delicious through ball from Luka Modrić, the ball slides in behind the centre-halves and Tim Payne is there to gobble it up.

Enormous press from Luka Modrić who wins the ball thirty yards from goal. The opponent buckled under the pressure. Just wide from Luka Modrić, needed a fraction more accuracy on that. Back to the keeper for the fifteenth time, fans have had enough. Alex Rufer puts the ball right into the path of Chido Obi, played to the inch, the space is found. Chido Obi drills a low ball back for Anthony Martial, the kind of delivery that keepers absolutely dread.

Solid as a rock, the block holds under pressure. Sergio Ramos puts in a monster defensive effort, runs the length of the pitch to cut out the counter-attack. Sergio Ramos with an absolutely perfect sliding tackle, takes the ball right off the attacker's toes. Nothing given, play on! They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit.

"We are cruising, lads, but we keep the foot on the gas, understood?" The gaffer is calm but firm. Chido Obi responds with a thumbs up, mouth full of banana. Alex Rufer is retying {his} boots for the third time, a habit that drives the kit man mad. The mood is confident without being cocky. Just right. Dressing room sources reveal Chido Obi can play the recorder with terrifying proficiency. The 19-year-old whips out Three Blind Mice before every away match — the coach has tried and failed to ban it. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 2525 and answer this question: 'What breed of dog is technically a biscuit?' The dressing rooms empty and the pitch fills up again. Ayden Heaven does a few quick stretches on the touchline before jogging into position. Ready for war.

Alex Paulsen rolls it short to Tim Payne into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. Firm pass from Tim Payne into Chido Obi, right into the boots. No waste. Chido Obi to Hiroki Sakai, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Hiroki Sakai mistimes the tackle and catches the opponent's shin. Free kick. Hiroki Sakai sends an inswinging free kick in, Ayden Heaven rises for the header at the far post.

The opposition works around the block without being able to get in. Enormous run from Tim Payne to get back! Cuts across the attacker's path and blocks the shot. Heroic. DUEEEEL won by Alex Paulsen! He cut the line and gathered the ball at the feet. ENORMOUS! The block holds firm, opposition pushes but it's all in vain.

Clinical interception from Tim Payne, he cuts out the pass between the opposition lines and breaks forward on the counter. The crowd loves it, and rightly so. Smooth transition from Tim Payne to Peter Griffin, no delay, the game keeps flowing. High recovery from Peter Griffin who puts hellish pressure on the opposition midfielder. Possession changes in the blink of an eye. Peter Griffin slides it to Sergio Ramos, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

Alex Paulsen plays it along the ground to Tim Payne, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. Tim Payne plays the simple ball to Alex Rufer, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Alex Rufer burns past his man with a sudden burst of acceleration, the defender is left standing. Lobbed cross from Alex Rufer, the ball sails over the defenders and finds Luka Modrić running in behind.

The whistle blows and Ayden Heaven lets out a breath he's been holding for ninety minutes. Alex Rufer claps him on the back: "Told you we'd do 'em." The gaffer's already planning the next match, but tonight? Tonight belongs to the lads. And the pub. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Nigel Bottomsworth-Crumpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'What breed of dog is technically a biscuit?'. The answer was of course the Lincolnshire Digestive Hound, which crumbles if you stroke it too firmly. Nigel wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-0 (W)

High recovery from Jesse Lingard after a three-second press. The defender panicked under the pressure and who can blame him. Turnover and they're off to the races, a proper counter-punch. Luka Modrić has the gift of the great strikers: being where it matters. On the loose ball, he prods it in, GOAL!

Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. Oh my word Anthony Martial fires and it goes JUST wide! The post must have felt the breeze. A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent.

Long kick from Alex Paulsen, Anthony Martial positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Enormous leap from Anthony Martial who wins his aerial duel with authority. The ball is headed clear, no arguments. Anthony Martial finds Sergio Ramos between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Sergio Ramos shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for Hiroki Sakai. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces.

Sideways ball from Luka Modrić to Tim Payne, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Tim Payne spreads it to Alex Rufer, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Alex Rufer spreads the play and finds Luka Modrić in a motorway on the left flank. The defence is stretched thin. Luka Modrić jumps the gun on Anthony Martial's through ball. Clear offside, good call.

Interception from Tim Payne right through the middle, he anticipated the switch of play and placed himself right in the passing lane. Pure intelligence. Tim Payne changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Jesse Lingard. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Pass into no-man's land from Jesse Lingard, nobody on the end of it, the ball rolls straight to the opposition. Gift. Counter perfect until the last yard when everything goes haywire. Magnificent shift from Luka Modrić! Sergio Ramos picks it up in space, no marker in sight, the pitch is his.

Alex Paulsen has got the Bluetooth speaker going and there is music bouncing off the dressing room walls. Jesse Lingard is doing some kind of dance that looks like a dad at a wedding. The physio is trying to tape up an ankle and cannot stop laughing. The boss shakes his head but does not say a word. Never change a winning formula. Peter Griffin holds the dressing room record for keeping a Fruit Pastille in the mouth without chewing for 47 minutes. At 70, the achievement is engraved on a plaque above the physio's door. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Bedtime! To win a Premier Inn king-size pillow, text 3345 and answer: 'What time does a British person start complaining about the weather each morning?' Whistle. Ball. Movement. Alex Paulsen is on it from the very first second, demanding the pass, pointing, shouting. The longest forty-five minutes of the evening start now.

Mad, mad, mad match, every counter-attack could be the winner. Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered. Sergio Ramos releases Hiroki Sakai with a ball into space on the left. The defence is sliding across but they are too late.

Tim Payne launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out. The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. You can feel the tide turning, they're camped in the opposition half now. Inch-perfect cross from Jesse Lingard, the ball clips just over the keeper's hands and finds Luka Modrić at the back post.

Hiroki Sakai hits the afterburners to get back, catches the attacker, and nicks the ball off him. Pure desire. Hiroki Sakai barges into the opponent off the ball. Free kick awarded. The free kick from Hiroki Sakai lands right on Anthony Martial in the heart of the box. What a delivery! Alex Paulsen gathers the cross with both hands above the scrum. The keeper is the supreme authority in his box.

Anthony Martial charges into the press like a man possessed and rips the ball away from the midfielder. The intensity is frightening. Step-overs from Anthony Martial, the defender has lost the ball completely. Anthony Martial picks out Chido Obi with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice.

Iron defense, every ball cleared with authority. Magnificent tackle from Tim Payne! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Good ball from Tim Payne to Luka Modrić, playing it quick between the lines. Sublime through ball from Luka Modrić for Peter Griffin who ghosts between the two centre-backs. The line is broken.

Victory! Alex Paulsen and Peter Griffin lead the squad in a huddle, bouncing and chanting something the microphones can't quite pick up. Probably for the best. Sevilla Olé-Olé have left the pitch but we're not done yet. The stadium DJ puts on a banger and nobody wants to go home. Graham from Harrogate says half six and honestly we all agree. He's off to Premier Inn with his brand new pillow. And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-1 (L)

Hiroki Sakai finds Ayden Heaven between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Ayden Heaven uses Anthony Martial as a wall, the ball pings back like off a squash court wall. Timing is everything. GOOOOAL! Ayden Heaven lets his INDIVIDUAL talent do the talking! Three dribbles, perfect finish, the ball is in!

Hiroki Sakai unfurls a banner hidden in his shorts: 'FOR THE LADS DOWN THE ROAD'. The home end erupts. Jesse Lingard makes a heart sign with his hands. Alex Paulsen finally shows up, completely out of breath, collapses next to them.

Superb defensive work from Tim Payne there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! Three on one and they find a way to mess it all up, unbelievable. OHHH Peter Griffin strikes and it goes just wide! The post was trembling! The midfielders are enjoying their little triangles but what's the point?

Sergio Ramos looks up and launches a long pass towards Jesse Lingard. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Jesse Lingard curls a cross to the near post, Chido Obi is lurking in the box. Chido Obi rises like an eagle and wins the header. The ball is cleared far, the danger is over.

Massive clearance from Ayden Heaven, just get the ball as far away as possible. A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all. Clumsy challenge from Alex Rufer, stands on the opponent's foot. Unintentional but still a foul. Booking for Alex Rufer, hauled the opponent down as he was clean through. Had to be yellow.

Alex Paulsen takes his time and plays it short to Sergio Ramos. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. Royal interception from Sergio Ramos! He positions himself in the passing corridor and plucks the ball out of thin air. Sergio Ramos sets it for Chido Obi, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Smooth transition from Chido Obi to Jesse Lingard, no delay, the game keeps flowing.

Tim Payne is tapping {his} studs on the floor, nervous energy pouring out of every pore. {he} knows {he} can do better. The gaffer knows it too. He crouches down in front of Tim Payne: "Stop hiding behind their centre-half. Get on the ball, take the game by the scruff of the neck. That is why you are in the team." Now we've learned that Hiroki Sakai has completed every single crossword in the back of the Metro newspaper for the past four years. Never missed one. The squad calls him 'The Professor,' which is a bit generous, but at 36, let the man have his moment. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 8899 and answer this question: 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?' Back on the pitch and Hiroki Sakai is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart. Alex Rufer tries to pick out Hiroki Sakai on the flank but the pass is straight at a defender. Missed.

Alex Paulsen sparks the transition with a quick throw to Sergio Ramos, the break is lightning fast. Gorgeous crossfield ball from Sergio Ramos to Alex Rufer, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow. Masterful aerial duel from Alex Rufer, he gets above everyone and heads it clear. The attacker was left as a spectator. Alex Rufer hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match.

Alex Paulsen catapults the ball towards Chido Obi from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. Chido Obi beats the attacker with a commanding header, he went up like a lift and came back down with the ball. The boss. Incredible burst of pace from Chido Obi, he eats up the ground in just a few strides.

On the corner from Jesse Lingard, Anthony Martial wins the aerial duel but his header goes over. Alex Paulsen distributes by hand to Jesse Lingard on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Turnover from Jesse Lingard, the pass is read like a book by the opposition defence. Alex Rufer puts hellish pressure on the opposition build-up and forces the turnover. That is what high pressing looks like. Alex Rufer winds up and FIIIIRES! On target! But the keeper pushes it away for a corner.

What a mess! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein capitalise on that blunder. We are our own worst enemy.

Alex Paulsen and Sergio Ramos do the rehearsed move from the last party: imaginary top hat lift, military salute, spin. Flawless. Alex Paulsen arrives late, misses his cue, flubs it spectacularly. The crowd in bits.

Tim Payne cuts out the opposition's build-up with a perfectly timed interception. The kind of player who plays chess while everyone else plays draughts. Instant break, the opposition are caught on their heels and punished. Powerful run from Chido Obi down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there. Chido Obi controls and SHOOTS! On target but the keeper dives and gets a hand to it. Corner.

Points shared. Luka Modrić sits on the grass for a full minute, staring up at the floodlights. Tim Payne crouches beside him: "Come on mate, let's get inside. Tuesday's another game." Long season. Draws happen. Nobody's thrilled, nobody's devastated. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Keith Drizzleton, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?'. The answer was of course 4.7 kilonewtons, enough to demolish a conversation but not enough to get served at the bar. Keith wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

2-3 (L)

The press from Jesse Lingard pays off immediately, the defender makes a mess of it and Jesse Lingard pounces. A forced gift. OHHH the GOAL from Jesse Lingard! On the gift from Anthony Martial, he opens up his foot and sends the ball to the far post. SUMPTUOUS!

Jesse Lingard runs to the technical area, kisses the assistant coach's tablet, drops it — it shatters, the analyst goes mental. Chido Obi gathers the bits laughing. The gaffer has his head in his hands, half-amused, half-murderous.

Decisive glance from Hiroki Sakai who spots the pass leaving the boot and throws himself into the trajectory. What a lifesaving interception. Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. What a BOOOOOM from Chido Obi! The ball flies like a bullet and ends up at 60mph in the top corner. GOAL!

Absolutely dreadful! London Three-Pints score and we have only ourselves to blame.

Alex Paulsen climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Chido Obi films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Alex Rufer tries a sombrero and it comes off, the defender is made to look foolish in front of everyone. Lovely use of the ball by Alex Rufer, finding Hiroki Sakai in a tight pocket of space. Quality. OHHH it's gone past by a whisker! Hiroki Sakai strikes and the ball grazes the right-hand post. Alex Paulsen plays out from the back with Luka Modrić, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves.

Solo charge from Chido Obi, he sets off from midfield and arrives in the opposition box. WIIIIIDE! Chido Obi put plenty on it but the ball slides just past the frame of the goal. The ball pings around but the defenders are barely breaking sweat.

The gaffer rips up his notes and throws them in the bin. "Everything we worked on this week, in the bin. Because you lot clearly were not listening." He turns to Jesse Lingard: "175 cm tall and you have not won a single header. 34 years old and playing like you have never seen a football before. Wake up!" A completely made-up study from the University of Wolverhampton claims Ayden Heaven's left foot generates more power than a Ford Transit. At 189 and 20 years old, the data is apparently 'peer-reviewed by Dave from accounts.' And now, our TV game show Celebrity Gogglebox of Horrors! To win a television remote with missing batteries, text 5456 and answer: 'How many remotes does the average British living room have and does anyone know which one controls the volume?' And we are back underway! Chido Obi jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

Long ball from Jesse Lingard to Peter Griffin, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. Pinpoint delivery from the player towards Sergio Ramos, the ball lands on a sixpence. In that position, crosses are half the job. Alex Paulsen tips the effort wide with his fingertips! Incredible stop, the keeper is in a state of grace. On the corner from Peter Griffin, Anthony Martial heads it at the back post but it is too high. Missed the target.

The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. The referee spots the foul by Luka Modrić, a push in the back on the opponent. The referee has lost patience, yellow card for Luka Modrić. Foul after foul after foul. Free kick from Luka Modrić... into the wall. The wall didn't flinch. Alex Paulsen takes his time and plays it short to Sergio Ramos. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch.

Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking. Ayden Heaven anticipates the run from Luka Modrić and fires a low missile in behind the defence. Perfect connection. Luka Modrić is flagged offside by the narrowest of margins, Anthony Martial wants answers from the ref. The referee draws the rectangle in the air, he's going to have a look himself. Huge moment.

GOAL! London Three-Pints have netted! Their forward pounced on the loose ball. Clinical.

Alex Paulsen opts for the short option to Tim Payne, keeping possession, building play, no panic. Brilliant tackle from Tim Payne! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending. Lay-off from Tim Payne to Chido Obi, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Chido Obi tries his luck and BOOOOM it flies... wide. Brushed the post though, nearly had it.

And there it is, London Three-Pints score! The writing was on the wall after that pressure.

Alex Paulsen finds the TV camera and kisses it like a long-lost love. Tim Payne plays the jealous partner alongside. The live broadcast lingers for eight solid seconds, the commentators crying with laughter. The memes are already circulating before kickoff resumes.

Alex Paulsen takes his time and plays it short to Tim Payne. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. Tim Payne wins the header and flicks it on for Luka Modrić. He took the elevator while the rest were queuing for the stairs. Overlap from Tim Payne on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed. Tim Payne lays it off inside the box for Peter Griffin, the defensive block is completely shattered. WHAT A REFLEX from Alex Paulsen! That shot was heading under the bar and he clawed it out with an iron fist!

Alex Rufer to Luka Modrić, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Luka Modrić makes a mess of a simple pass to Sergio Ramos, the ball bobbles and ends up with the opposition. That is a tackle of the highest order from Jesse Lingard. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic.

Defeat and the dressing room feels like a dentist's waiting room. Tim Payne stares at his boots like they've personally betrayed him. Ayden Heaven peels off his tape slowly, methodically. The gaffer says five words: "We'll fix it in training." Everyone believes him. Sort of. Keith from Grimsby says six remotes and no, nobody knows which one does the volume, they just press them all. Remote with no batteries for Keith! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'