My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇦🇺

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

74-119 (L)

More second chance points for Detroit Engine-Roar, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

SKIP PASS! Sheldon Cooper fires it cross court to Sonic the Hedgehog and the defense is dead in the water! Not an inch to spare on the endline, but Sonic the Hedgehog keeps both feet in bounds and the help gets there a beat too late. The ball skips around the perimeter, Batman finds the open man on the weak side, and Sonic the Hedgehog buries it.

Sonic the Hedgehog does the bit whole team practiced in the hotel: a slow-motion handshake with Batman that goes on far too long, sound effects included. Six full seconds. The referee stands there holding the ball. Neither man breaks character.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Detroit Engine-Roar in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

OHHHH, what a read by Sonic the Hedgehog! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. No touch. Darth Vader left the soft hands in the locker room tonight.

The superhero makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and Sheldon Cooper gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. That is the shot chart lying to you. Jabba the Hutt did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

Intermission. Batman dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Little scoop: Batman tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. And now, our halftime TV game show The Dating Game of Horseshoes! To win a cast-iron skillet seasoned by four generations of strangers, text HOOPS to 555-0313 and answer this question: 'What is the world record for longest halftime shot made by a man holding a soft drink?' Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.

Bucket for Detroit Engine-Roar. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Sheldon Cooper controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Straight down the baseline goes the gang leader! Whatever shift he worked this morning, he clearly left plenty in the tank. Off the dribble, a full step behind the logo, straight down. Tomorrow the gang leader goes back to work, tonight he owns this arena.

Nothing but a nod. Jabba the Hutt jogs back on defense with his eyes half closed, like the shot was a formality he had penciled in. The entire arena is levitating and he could not look less involved. The Detroit Engine-Roar bench looks personally insulted.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Detroit Engine-Roar, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

The extra pass! Batman had the look, gave it up anyway, and Sheldon Cooper buries it. BANG! That is a shot selection problem, plain and simple. Sheldon Cooper drove into three bodies and the help defender was waiting the whole way.

Batman launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. The player takes the baseline and bends an entire defense out of shape. Absolutely absurd stuff in this building tonight. It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on Sonic the Hedgehog. Cruel.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the researcher, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. One little shoulder dip from Batman and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. That is the shot Batman wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

Darth Vader did that, and now the loudest twelve people in this arena are all wearing the same uniform he is.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Detroit Engine-Roar with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Give the man credit for the effort, because Darth Vader contested that from three feet behind, which is technically a contest. Two on the board for the visitors, and Sheldon Cooper knows it before the officials even get their hands up.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Sheldon Cooper makes it every single trip down the floor. Hard drive, hard stop, and Darth Vader retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. Rising up out of the corner, Darth Vader sends it LONG, clanging off the far side and out to the wing.

Darth Vader walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Batman speeds up. Wants it to be over. And here is the answer to our game The Dating Game of Horseshoes! Sherman Pilkington of Chicken Bristle, Rhode Island, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the world record for longest halftime shot made by a man holding a soft drink?' The answer was of course forty-one feet, and he did not spill a drop, which is the real story. Sherman takes home a cast-iron skillet seasoned by four generations of strangers! Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

84-126 (L)

OHHHH here we go! Shoving under the rim, and Sheldon Cooper is right in the middle of it!

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Miami Heart-Attack with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Foul on the three-point shooter, and it is Batman. The coach is off the bench with both arms out. Careful now. Three fouls this early means Batman plays the next stretch with his hands straight up in the air.

Dagger from Miami Heart-Attack. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The superhero just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Sheldon Cooper does. From eight feet Sheldon Cooper puts way too much on it, and the ball clears the rim entirely.

Halftime! Sheldon Cooper walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Rumor has it Sheldon Cooper does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. And now, our halftime TV game show Who Wants to Be a Thousandaire! To win a commemorative spoon rest shaped like Ohio, text HOOPS to 555-0119 and answer this question: 'How many free throws would it take to fill a public swimming pool?' And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.

Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the superhero made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. They do not teach that footwork anymore, and yet here is Batman running a full masterclass on the low block.

Miami Heart-Attack again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

No play on the ball whatsoever. Sheldon Cooper took the man down from behind and hoped the crew was feeling generous. They were not. Not one hand went for the basketball, just a forearm through the chest of Sheldon Cooper. That is the textbook definition of unnecessary contact.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Sheldon Cooper already has the defense a full step behind. Jabba the Hutt comes off the screen and the big man drops WAY back. Sonic the Hedgehog just fades to the arc for the cleanest look of the night. Clang. Sonic the Hedgehog wants that one back.

Turnover, layup, Miami Heart-Attack straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Oh no. Sheldon Cooper just dribbled that thing straight off his own foot.

Cold blooded from Miami Heart-Attack, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Here comes Jabba the Hutt sprinting off the elbow. Sheldon Cooper slides it into his pocket and that chase defender is buried. So close. Jabba the Hutt can only stare at the iron.

Sonic the Hedgehog wraps him up with nobody between the ball and the rim, and the officials do not hesitate for a second.

Nine seconds to work with, one play call, and it runs through Sonic the Hedgehog. When the game shrinks like this, you go to your guy. Out of the timeout, Sonic the Hedgehog hits Sheldon Cooper right on schedule and it drops! Drawn up, run, done.

Sheldon Cooper's complexion is grey. Jabba the Hutt's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. And here is the answer to our game Who Wants to Be a Thousandaire! Earlene Stubbs of Possum Notch, Tennessee, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many free throws would it take to fill a public swimming pool?' The answer was of course it depends entirely on whether the pool is paying attention. Earlene takes home a commemorative spoon rest shaped like Ohio! My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

96-123 (L)

Look how low Sonic the Hedgehog keeps that shoulder on the drive, that is how you turn a sliver of space into a walk to the rim. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Sonic the Hedgehog rose up over the help and hammered it down on somebody's head!

Sonic the Hedgehog slides on his knees down the free throw lane, arms wide, and ends up flat on his back watching his own replay on the video board. He points at himself on the screen. The officials have stopped pretending to have any control here.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Orlando Magic-Beans, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Day job, then this: the researcher reads a rolling big like a coach with twenty years on the bench. The filthy euro-step in traffic was the idea, but the feet got greedy and the whistle blew Darth Vader dead.

Push the pace! Sheldon Cooper grabs it and hits Darth Vader in stride before the defense can even match up. Rough look for the jedi there. In his line of work you get to take that one back, out here it is two points going the other way.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Orlando Magic-Beans with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Break! Darth Vader heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Locker room intel: Darth Vader has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. And now, our halftime TV game show Triple Dog Dare Hour! To win two pails of driveway sealer that have never once been opened, text HOOPS to 555-0405 and answer this question: 'How many peanuts are dropped on the floor of an average arena per game?' Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.

The player makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Sheldon Cooper just took a shoulder to the chest to buy Jabba the Hutt half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. A cruel spin-out for the gang leader, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

The researcher is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. Ball into Batman at the elbow, Jabba the Hutt plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. Soft off the fingertips, the ball takes a full lap of the rim on Jabba the Hutt, and spits straight back out. That is theft.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Orlando Magic-Beans in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Off the shin, out of bounds, and Batman cannot bring himself to look at his own bench.

Everything Sheldon Cooper puts up there is going in. Off the dribble, off the catch, off balance, it does not matter one bit. The researcher hit three straight and immediately decided he was allowed to shoot from the tunnel. He was not.

Bucket for Orlando Magic-Beans. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Jabba the Hutt eats the contact so Batman can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. That is a dime from Darth Vader that deserved so much better, and Batman knows it, head down, jogging back before the ball even lands.

Sonic the Hedgehog comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! Watch the feet on Sonic the Hedgehog there, still drifting sideways at the release, and that is exactly why the floater sails wide left of everything.

Two decoy screens, a flare to the weak side, then Batman coming off the second one. That is the whole thing. BANG! Exactly the play on the clipboard: Sheldon Cooper to Batman, catch and rise.

Batman hangs on the rim one extra beat, letting the whole arena wait on him, then drops down into a dead-eyed mean mug. Sonic the Hedgehog shoves him in the chest just to get a reaction. Nothing. Stone face on a man who just changed the game.

Sheldon Cooper claps his hands in frustration. Batman clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. And here is the answer to our game show Triple Dog Dare Hour! Maureen Skaggs of North Fork Elbow, Idaho, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many peanuts are dropped on the floor of an average arena per game?' The answer was of course four thousand and nine, not counting the ones nobody will admit to. Maureen therefore wins two pails of driveway sealer that have never once been opened! Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

87-131 (L)

Darth Vader times the leap perfectly, taps it back to the wing, and the first possession of the night belongs to us.

That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Sheldon Cooper the moment he crosses half court. Nobody moved, nobody cut, nobody set a screen, so Sheldon Cooper launches a contested jumper with the horn already going. Ugly offense.

Philadelphia Injury-Report again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Off the pin-down comes the researcher with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. Sheldon Cooper attacks the baseline, the big man steps up to meet him, and it does not matter one bit. FILTHY.

Turnover, layup, Philadelphia Injury-Report straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Break! Sheldon Cooper takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. The staff told me Sheldon Cooper sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. And now, our halftime TV game show The Gong Show Is Broken! To win a fishing rod with no reel and a badly bent tip, text HOOPS to 555-0781 and answer this question: 'How long is one minute during the fourth quarter?' The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.

Somebody explain how the researcher reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. The defender planted his feet, and Sonic the Hedgehog said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. The player launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

Pass, skip, reversal, pass again. Sheldon Cooper shifts with every single one of them and the possession ends in a contested fadeaway. OHHHH, Sheldon Cooper just took that thing right out of his hands!

Dagger from Philadelphia Injury-Report. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

That crossover was not about getting a shot up. Sheldon Cooper pulled it out to tell everybody in the gym whose possession this is. Bless him, Sheldon Cooper tried a move he has clearly only ever pulled off in an empty gym at midnight. Walk.

GONE down the baseline! Batman beat him on the first step and the paint is collapsing. The superhero had two points in the bank and the iron took them right back out. You do not get heartbreak like that in the day job.

Cold blooded from Philadelphia Injury-Report, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Read, screen, delivery, right on the money. A researcher making the right pass every single time, and the league is taking notes. The defense keeps turning contested looks by Sonic the Hedgehog into free points. STOP REACHING. Cash. Cash again. Sonic the Hedgehog pockets the two and jogs back on defense like nothing happened.

Sonic the Hedgehog crosses his arms into an X, plants his feet at the top of the key and dares somebody to say something. Nobody does. Darth Vader mirrors the pose beside him. Two statues, twenty thousand people screaming, and every camera in the gym pointed at them.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Philadelphia Injury-Report with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

That is a clean blow-by on Sheldon Cooper, and the help defense was nowhere in the same area code.

The researcher commits the ugliest foul of the night entirely on purpose, and honestly that is the smartest thing anyone has done all quarter.

Jabba the Hutt and Darth Vader walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. And here is the answer to our game show The Gong Show Is Broken! Gwendolyn Pyle of Half Moon Gulch, Montana, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How long is one minute during the fourth quarter?' The answer was of course somewhere between four and nineteen minutes, depending on the score. Gwendolyn therefore wins a fishing rod with no reel and a badly bent tip! Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

75-120 (L)

Phoenix No-Defense again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The help defender committed way too early, and Sheldon Cooper made him pay for it with a spin they will be replaying all week. Twenty-four seconds of standing around, and Sheldon Cooper has to eat the last two of them. Possession wasted long before the shot went up.

Cold blooded from Phoenix No-Defense, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Sheldon Cooper stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. The researcher just had his shot delivered into the courtside seats. Tough scene, but at least the day job is safe.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Phoenix No-Defense with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Halftime whistle! Sheldon Cooper slides down against the hallway wall. Anecdote: Sheldon Cooper lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. And now, our halftime TV game show Family Feud But Nobody Is Related! To win a gently used trampoline with no springs and one very stern warning label, text HOOPS to 555-0231 and answer this question: 'How long does it take a hot dog to cool down in the upper deck in February?' We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.

Not a hand on him. Sheldon Cooper flat missed the bunny. The researcher outworked everybody on the glass! Effort does not care what is printed on your business card. Up over the box out, and Sheldon Cooper catches it clean and finishes strong through the contact. Somebody just got posterized.

Sheldon Cooper points at Batman first, then at the pass that made it possible, then at Batman again, making sure the building knows who did the real work. Batman waves it off, embarrassed. The chant that starts up is not for the scorer.

The researcher just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! OHHHH! Sheldon Cooper went up looking for a poster and came back down as the punchline.

Dagger from Phoenix No-Defense. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Batman has known that all night long. Screened, toasted, done. Darth Vader is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. The jedi had that thing halfway down and the rim spat it back out. Nobody ever warns you that the iron has a personality.

Body to body all the way to the rim and the arm goes up. That is on Sonic the Hedgehog, and this crew is not letting anything go tonight. The best defender on this floor is headed to the bench with four. Sonic the Hedgehog goes off with his hand still up, insisting he was straight up and down.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the superhero, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. Sheldon Cooper hands it off to Darth Vader, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the researcher, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

A cut with that timing from the researcher? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. Sheldon Cooper had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Phoenix No-Defense in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Sheldon Cooper walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. Darth Vader crosses, crosses back, the defender slides half a step the wrong way and the whole arena lets out the same OHHHH. Zero hesitation, zero conscience. Darth Vader made that closeout look completely pointless.

Off comes the headband, launched into the crowd like a rock star, and the fight for it delays the inbound. Darth Vader watches two adults wrestle in row four. Half the arena is filming that instead of the game. Everybody in here has lost the plot.

Whistles. Monitor. And Sheldon Cooper standing frozen at midcourt. Late by a blink. Sheldon Cooper is going to see that frame in his sleep tonight.

Darth Vader has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Sheldon Cooper has aged ten years in forty minutes. And here is the answer to our game show Family Feud But Nobody Is Related! Delbert Cranfill of Bitter Creek Junction, Wyoming, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How long does it take a hot dog to cool down in the upper deck in February?' The answer was of course eleven minutes, unless somebody nearby is breathing on it. Delbert therefore wins a gently used trampoline with no springs and one very stern warning label! I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

81-123 (L)

Won it clean! Darth Vader got up and over him with room to spare.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Sheldon Cooper threw it before the help even committed. Straight down the baseline goes the superhero! Whatever shift he worked this morning, he clearly left plenty in the tank. Rim out for Batman, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

Los Angeles Nursing-Home again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Sheldon Cooper has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Sonic the Hedgehog precisely where the play wanted it. Here comes the slip from Jabba the Hutt, and Sonic the Hedgehog reads it a half second before anybody else in the building. Unselfish basketball. Jabba the Hutt passes up a good shot and hands Batman a GREAT one. Batman loses his angle on the baseline and still finds a way to flip it home with the off hand. Bucket!

Batman freezes in his follow-through, wrist still hanging, and holds it while the Los Angeles Nursing-Home coach burns a timeout out of pure desperation. He holds it through the whistle. He holds it into the huddle. The cameras eat every single second of it.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Los Angeles Nursing-Home with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Players head to the locker room. Sheldon Cooper has tape on three fingers. They say Sheldon Cooper eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. And now, our halftime TV game show Antiques Roadshow but Everything is Broken! To win an inflatable canoe with a slow but very honest leak, text HOOPS to 555-0116 and answer this question: 'What is the going rate for a rebound in small claims court?' Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.

Hesitate, GO. Sheldon Cooper is by that hip before the man even blinks. Contested, off balance, fading away from the wrong shoulder, that is a shot Sheldon Cooper should never take with three teammates standing wide open.

You can teach a lot of things at this level, but not lateral quickness. Darth Vader is doing a fine traffic cone impression.

Cold blooded from Los Angeles Nursing-Home, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

That is five guys on a string and Darth Vader is the knot holding it together, because the corner gets covered behind him too. Darth Vader goes up with the hands to the ceiling and the shot comes off the front rim. Textbook verticality.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Los Angeles Nursing-Home with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

The big rolls, the defense collapses, and Sonic the Hedgehog punishes it with a read most guys never even see. Ambition, ten out of ten. Footwork, two out of ten. Sheldon Cooper beat himself before the defender ever showed up.

The superhero takes the baseline and bends an entire defense out of shape. Absolutely absurd stuff in this building tonight. Jabba the Hutt threads a BEAUTY to Batman under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Batman put that man in a blender and the third row felt it! Blocked into the floor. Batman will be seeing that one in his sleep.

Bucket for Los Angeles Nursing-Home. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Batman times the leap perfectly and swallows that layup whole. Put it on the front page, that is the play of the night. That outlet from Batman is a weapon, it turns a defensive stop into two points in about three seconds. OHHHHH POSTERIZED! Jabba the Hutt just ENDED that defender at the rim!

Pointing up at the family section, Jabba the Hutt taps his chest twice and holds up a fist. A kid in a replica jersey is crying, and so is his mother. A camera crew finds them in nine seconds flat. Sixty seconds of pure decency on national television.

Darth Vader takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Sonic the Hedgehog doesn't drink. Throat too tight. And here is the answer to our game Antiques Roadshow but Everything is Broken! Wayne Shropshire of Salt Lick Junction, Maine, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the going rate for a rebound in small claims court?' The answer was of course twelve dollars, or one covered dish. Wayne takes home an inflatable canoe with a slow but very honest leak! I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

84-129 (L)

Turnover, layup, Toronto Border-Patrol straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Down screen, and Sheldon Cooper curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. Gift wrapped by Jabba the Hutt, and Sheldon Cooper cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

Bucket for Toronto Border-Patrol. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

OHHHH that is a bad one from Sheldon Cooper! He hauls the ball handler down in the open floor and the whole arena is up and howling. FLAGRANT ONE! The defender wipes out Sheldon Cooper in midair and that is nowhere near a basketball play.

More second chance points for Toronto Border-Patrol, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Halftime whistle. Batman flops into the first available chair. Exclusive: Batman was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. And now, our halftime TV game show Spin the Wheel Slowly! To win a coffee table book about drainage ditches of the Midwest, text HOOPS to 555-1159 and answer this question: 'How many seconds does it take to lose a lead of thirty points?' We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.

The superhero just got tossed for a flagrant two, and somewhere a shift supervisor is watching this on a break room TV in absolute horror.

The superhero out here on the deck fighting for loose balls. Nobody pays him for that, and he could not care less. Rebound to fast break in one motion, courtesy of the player. That is not a hobby, that is a skill set. That is body control you simply cannot coach: Sheldon Cooper stays up a full beat longer than everybody else and finishes clean.

Shoving match at the scorer's table, except it is between Darth Vader and an assistant coach who both want to hug Sheldon Cooper first. Sheldon Cooper lets them sort it out. The trainer has given up on protecting anybody. Somebody's clipboard is already on the floor.

The crossover comes, Jabba the Hutt bites hard, and the lane opens up like the front door was left unlocked.

The superhero takes the baseline and bends an entire defense out of shape. Absolutely absurd stuff in this building tonight. The superhero gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here.

Cold blooded from Toronto Border-Patrol, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Jabba the Hutt gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Sonic the Hedgehog saw it a beat early. The gang leader just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. Straight through the traffic, straight through the contact. The gang leader finishes with a free throw coming and the paint suddenly feels very small.

Flexing under the basket, mouth wide open, Jabba the Hutt roars at nobody in particular. The sound carries over the crowd noise, which should be physically impossible. The referee waits with folded arms, like a substitute teacher who has seen considerably worse.

Whistle! Jabba the Hutt gets him on the arm. Personal foul, nothing clever about it. OHHH that is a rotten one to pick up. Jabba the Hutt bumps a cutter out near the logo on a play that threatened nobody.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Toronto Border-Patrol, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Cross court, on a rope, from the superhero. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, Jabba the Hutt and Sonic the Hedgehog just played basketball and the defense got shredded. The big man never even contested it, and Jabba the Hutt still could not get the runner to drop. That one is on him.

Left, right, gone. Sheldon Cooper put that defender on skates and never even looked back. OHHHH, the cylinder rejects the researcher! Somewhere a whole workplace just yelled at a television.

Sheldon Cooper pulls his cap down over his eyes. Batman doesn't have a cap, and it shows. And here is the answer to our game show Spin the Wheel Slowly! Elouise Tackett of Chigger Bottom, Massachusetts, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many seconds does it take to lose a lead of thirty points?' The answer was of course four hundred and ten seconds, provided everybody cooperates. Elouise therefore wins a coffee table book about drainage ditches of the Midwest! I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

74-119 (L)

One hard step and Batman owns that whole side of the floor, which means the low man has to make a decision he does not want. Stuck out on the perimeter with no outlet, Batman panics, re-dribbles, and hands the possession over on a silver platter.

The researcher makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. No roll this time. Jabba the Hutt swings it right back to Darth Vader above the break, and it is PURE. Two guys on the exact same page, Darth Vader and Sheldon Cooper, and the defense is left holding a bag of nothing. Darth Vader gets into the paint, sees the shot blocker rising, and simply lifts it over the top of him. Never had a prayer.

Minnesota Ice-Wall again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The researcher is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. From WAY downtown off the pop! Darth Vader with the extra pass and CASH. The superhero had that thing halfway down and the rim spat it back out. Nobody ever warns you that the iron has a personality.

Cold blooded from Minnesota Ice-Wall, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Halftime. The physio pounces on Darth Vader to massage his thighs. Fun fact: Darth Vader failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. And now, our halftime TV game show The Newlywed Regret Game! To win a genuine imitation leather fanny pack, text HOOPS to 555-0155 and answer this question: 'How many potato chips are in a family size bag before the air gets involved?' Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.

A cut with that timing from the player? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the player, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

OHHHH the hesi! Batman froze him solid and he is already gone! Stonewalled at the top of the square! The big man meets Batman up there and returns it with interest.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Minnesota Ice-Wall with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Darth Vader does not love that call. Both hands in the air, a long look at the official, and the whistle still counts.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Minnesota Ice-Wall in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Sonic the Hedgehog just did it by hitting Darth Vader on the back side with acres of room. OHHHH the separation! Darth Vader just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. Down, up, and gone for Darth Vader. The rim is just toying with him now.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Minnesota Ice-Wall, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Over the top of everybody. Sonic the Hedgehog to Sheldon Cooper in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. OHHHH the pocket pass! Sheldon Cooper splits the coverage and the roll man is loose under the basket! Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, Darth Vader fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

Court vision like that on the superhero is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. That is a forced shot from the jedi that was doomed the moment it left the hand, and the bench has quietly decided to look at the floor for a moment.

The coach just drew up the biggest play of the night for the jedi, a sentence I did not expect to say out loud this evening. Coach spent a timeout on a play for the player and it worked to the inch. That is trust you do not fake.

Sonic the Hedgehog steps over the defender who ended up on the floor and keeps walking, never looks down. Cold as a meat locker. The building erupts twice, once for the bucket and once for the disrespect. The replay gets its own dedicated camera angle.

Sonic the Hedgehog snaps at the bench on his way out. Sheldon Cooper says nothing, but his look says everything. And here is the answer to our game The Newlywed Regret Game! Loretta Bagwell of Turkey Foot, Georgia, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many potato chips are in a family size bag before the air gets involved?' The answer was of course eleven, and the remainder is atmosphere. Loretta takes home a genuine imitation leather fanny pack! On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

82-126 (L)

Bucket for Houston Blast-Off. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

A head coach with a full staff and a scouting report just called timeout because of the superhero. Read that sentence back slowly.

Ball moves. Batman to Jabba the Hutt, on time and on target. Two defenders, one gap, and Jabba the Hutt finds it. Onions on that pass. Prayer from Sonic the Hedgehog. Not answered.

More second chance points for Houston Blast-Off, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

The researcher is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. Count it! Sonic the Hedgehog caught that thing in traffic and put it through the net before gravity could file a complaint.

Sonic the Hedgehog steps over the defender who ended up on the floor and keeps walking, never looks down. Cold as a meat locker. The building erupts twice, once for the bucket and once for the disrespect. The replay gets its own dedicated camera angle.

Back to the locker room. Darth Vader's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Fun fact: Darth Vader tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. And now, our halftime TV game show Deal or No Deal or Maybe! To win a novelty belt buckle roughly the size of a hubcap, text HOOPS to 555-0396 and answer this question: 'What is the top speed of a shopping cart with one bad wheel?' We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Houston Blast-Off with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Deflection at midcourt, out and running, Darth Vader finishes through the contact and the run keeps rolling.

Cold blooded from Houston Blast-Off, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Hand check on Darth Vader. That is a foul in this league every single time. Hands off, feet moving, no reaching. That is the entire instruction sheet for Darth Vader the rest of the way.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Houston Blast-Off with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! Sonic the Hedgehog never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! AROUND the cylinder and OUT! Sonic the Hedgehog cannot believe it, and neither can this building.

Nobody is getting a hand near that. Batman has all the room in the world. The crowd has found its chant, and Batman is going to be hearing it all night.

Baseline spin from Batman at full speed, and his man never even gets a hand into the picture. Filthy stuff. Rip through, one dribble, contact. Batman plays that little game better than anybody on this floor. Two shots, two makes. Batman does not flinch.

Down by the baseline, Batman points at the arena DJ, who obliges with the loudest thing in the catalog. The whole lower bowl is up. Sheldon Cooper is dancing badly and fully aware of it. The Houston Blast-Off coach signals for time and gets ignored by his own players.

Total control. Sheldon Cooper has this thing on a string. Watch the change of pace from Darth Vader, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. In, around, and gone. The iron gives Darth Vader nothing.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the researcher, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. Ice in his veins for a guy who answers to jedi the rest of the week. Professional shot, amateur resume. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the gang leader, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

Batman pulls his cap down over his eyes. Darth Vader doesn't have a cap, and it shows. And here is the answer to our game Deal or No Deal or Maybe! Marlene Hufnagel of North Elbow, Wisconsin, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the top speed of a shopping cart with one bad wheel?' The answer was of course whatever speed produces the most noise. Marlene takes home a novelty belt buckle roughly the size of a hubcap! Did you know that Darth Vader practices researcher on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

89-133 (L)

The referee tosses it high and Darth Vader rises late, which is exactly how you win one of these. Timing over height, every single time.

The superhero makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. The player reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. Oh my. Sonic the Hedgehog did not even draw iron.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Denver Horse-Track with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Iso for the player, and after the shift that man put in today, the defender is the one I feel sorry for. Head down, no read, no plan. Sonic the Hedgehog bulldozes the help defender and gives away a possession for absolutely nothing.

Bucket for Denver Horse-Track. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

The locker room. Batman sprawls out full-length on the bench. I've been told Batman always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. And now, our halftime TV game show Card Sharks and Minnows! To win a case of off-brand soda called Mister Fizz, text HOOPS to 555-0209 and answer this question: 'How deep is the deep end of a kiddie pool?' Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.

Oldest play in the book and it still works: Sheldon Cooper passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. Long miss from the researcher and the rebound goes the other way, but let the record show that most people in that line of work never even get to take that shot.

Turnover, layup, Denver Horse-Track straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The researcher pops to the arc and buries it, and nobody in this building believes that man clocks in somewhere in the morning. Getting to his spot and elevating, Sonic the Hedgehog puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

Denver Horse-Track again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Full stop, full sprint, and the researcher is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. Watch the footwork there from Sheldon Cooper on the catch, squared up before the ball ever arrives. That is exactly why it goes down so clean.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Denver Horse-Track, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Laser from Batman, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. STOP AND GO! Jabba the Hutt hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. Shot clock at one, and Jabba the Hutt just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the researcher, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. Off the pin-down comes the player with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. Reverse layup by Sonic the Hedgehog, using the rim as a shield the whole way through. A circus act wrapped around textbook footwork.

Screen, roll, DELIVERY from Sheldon Cooper! Nothing but runway to the rim! Two points left on the floor by Sonic the Hedgehog, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth.

The gang leader is parked under the rim while three grown men in stripes squint at a screen. Just another day at the office, apparently. No good! The ball is STILL sitting in the hand of Jabba the Hutt when that light comes on. Waved off.

Sheldon Cooper refuses the coach's embrace. Batman accepts it but his body is stiff. And here is the answer to our game Card Sharks and Minnows! Norma Jean Slaughterbeck of Grease Rack, Indiana, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How deep is the deep end of a kiddie pool?' The answer was of course approximately one confident toddler. Norma Jean takes home a case of off-brand soda called Mister Fizz! On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

77-121 (L)

Watch the spacing there, Sheldon Cooper hits Batman right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. The superhero just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. The superhero hammers a brick off the backboard so hard the rim is still shaking. Nothing in that resume prepared anybody for this.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for New York Over-Timers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and Darth Vader is walking back with both hands on his head. Nobody put a body on Jabba the Hutt and he made them pay, tipping it to himself and coming down with two hands in the trees. OHHHH he went and GOT that! Jabba the Hutt with the putback jam over two bodies.

Jabba the Hutt points at Darth Vader first, then at the pass that made it possible, then at Darth Vader again, making sure the building knows who did the real work. Darth Vader waves it off, embarrassed. The chant that starts up is not for the scorer.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. New York Over-Timers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

They drew this up in the timeout: get it to Sonic the Hedgehog and let the other four stand there and enjoy the show. Offensive foul on the player. He gets through an entire work week without a single collision and then does THIS on a basketball floor.

Intermission. Sonic the Hedgehog dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Locker room intel: Sonic the Hedgehog has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. And now, our halftime TV game show Double Dare You! To win a three-pound bag of gas station beef jerky, text HOOPS to 555-0091 and answer this question: 'How many times does a basketball bounce before it forgives you?' Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.

The researcher makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. The gang leader takes the baseline and bends an entire defense out of shape. Absolutely absurd stuff in this building tonight. Missed layup for the gang leader and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

That is vision. Batman sees the pocket open for a tenth of a second and puts the ball in it. TRAVEL! Sonic the Hedgehog took the scenic route to the rim and the whistle ended the tour.

Cold blooded from New York Over-Timers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

POCKET PASS! Batman threads it to Sonic the Hedgehog between two bodies and the rim is wide open! Rim out for Sonic the Hedgehog, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

Turnover, layup, New York Over-Timers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The superhero just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. The researcher reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from Sheldon Cooper. Stop on a dime, up and over those outstretched arms, and the center can only stand there and watch Sheldon Cooper walk away from it.

One finger to the sky, held there, eyes closed in the middle of all that noise, and Sheldon Cooper does not move. The arena figures it out and quiets for a beat. Jabba the Hutt puts a hand on his back and says nothing, then the sound comes back like a wave.

Ohhh no. Corner three, New York Over-Timers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Sheldon Cooper drops it off to Darth Vader on time and on target. Darth Vader splits the coverage with a bounce pass you need slow motion to appreciate. Dimes. That is a forced shot from the superhero that was doomed the moment it left the hand, and the bench has quietly decided to look at the floor for a moment.

Swing, swing, and Batman finds Sheldon Cooper on the wing before the help can even turn its head. Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Sheldon Cooper, and not one single soul could do anything about it. Wide open at the top of the key and Sheldon Cooper cannot make it count, the defense secures the board and takes off in transition.

Darth Vader hacks the arm on purpose, then throws both hands up like he has never touched a soul in his life. Nobody is buying it.

Sonic the Hedgehog and Batman share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. And here is the answer to our game Double Dare You! Opal Sisk of Nickel Plate, Colorado, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many times does a basketball bounce before it forgives you?' The answer was of course six, and the seventh is only out of politeness. Opal takes home a three-pound bag of gas station beef jerky! During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

86-131 (L)

Cold blooded from Cleveland Twin-Towers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Sonic the Hedgehog has known that all night long. The jedi runs a dribble handoff with the timing of a fifteen-year vet. Not bad for somebody who does this on weekends. The gang leader just dunked on two grown men and drew the foul. Whatever that job pays, it is not enough.

The noise climbs past whatever the building was engineered for, and Jabba the Hutt uses it to kneel down and retie a shoe that was already tied. Double knot, no hurry, eyes on the laces. Sheldon Cooper stands over him like a bodyguard while somewhere down there a coach calls a play into a hurricane and loses.

They do not teach that in the researcher handbook, and yet here we are. Beautiful little exchange. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! The jedi just drew a shooting foul with a veteran pump fake. Two free throws for somebody who clocks in at a real job tomorrow morning. First one drops clean through, the second one never even touches iron. Cold blooded from Darth Vader.

Darth Vader throws both arms up and holds them there, letting the arena pull the sound out of him. Twenty thousand people on their feet at once. Batman grabs his shoulders from behind and shakes him like a snow globe. The floor is genuinely vibrating.

Batman rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. Straight back to the office for the superhero, and the group chat has already seen it twice.

The superhero just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. A player breaking down a professional defender in front of a sold out house! Remember that day job, folks! The player had two points in the bank and the iron took them right back out. You do not get heartbreak like that in the day job.

That's a wrap for now. Batman dives into the tunnel. Locker room intel: Batman has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. And now, our halftime TV game show Guy Reads a Manual! To win a family-size tub of margarine autographed by a stranger, text HOOPS to 555-0345 and answer this question: 'How many people can hear a vending machine at three in the morning?' Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Cleveland Twin-Towers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Somebody explain how the researcher reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. The other bench sent their best perimeter stopper out on Darth Vader, and they are learning in real time that it will not be enough tonight. Darth Vader blows the wide open layup!

Turnover, layup, Cleveland Twin-Towers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

No hero ball here: Sonic the Hedgehog takes what the defense gives and moves it along. The superhero just threaded a pocket pass through two defenders. Where exactly did that vision come from? Perfect drop-off from Darth Vader, and Sonic the Hedgehog answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Cleveland Twin-Towers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Batman stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. Three shots for Batman. Worst foul in the sport.

Personal foul on the gang leader. Somewhere a shift is going uncovered and not one soul in this arena cares. Standing ovation for the gang leader on the way to the bench. Fouled out, hands on the knees, and not one regret in this building.

Bucket for Cleveland Twin-Towers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

The opposing star hits a filthy one over two hands, and Jabba the Hutt simply walks it up the floor and matches it. No celebration, no words, just the answer.

The superhero turns clean out of two bodies in the paint. That is nowhere in the job description and yet here we are. Batman gets both toes behind the line and the contest arrives through his forearm. Here comes the gift.

Darth Vader's complexion is grey. Sheldon Cooper's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. And here is the answer to our game Guy Reads a Manual! Doris Ann Hoke of Butter Churn, New Hampshire, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many people can hear a vending machine at three in the morning?' The answer was of course everybody in the building, including the ones pretending to sleep. Doris Ann takes home a family-size tub of margarine autographed by a stranger! Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

87-132 (L)

Batman rides the ball handler all the way up the floor and finally puts a forearm in his back. Officials blow it dead. Fourth foul on the superhero and he is headed for the bench. Longest break the man has had since he took that job.

The player just handed that one straight to the other team. Hey, nobody is perfect at two jobs at once.

Sheldon Cooper gives it up to Jabba the Hutt on the move, the built-in screen erases the chase, and there is a clean runway to the rim. Missed layup for the gang leader and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Boston Ring-Chasers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Somewhere out there a player is learning that the day job never included defensive slides. Rough little moment. Sheldon Cooper got the ball, but he got it on the way down, and they are awarded the two anyway.

Break. Sheldon Cooper collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. They say Sheldon Cooper has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. And now, our halftime TV game show Supermarket Sweep the Series! To win a jackalope postcard rack with no postcards in it, text HOOPS to 555-0398 and answer this question: 'What percentage of halftime shows are secretly the same guy?' The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.

Boston Ring-Chasers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Set called, Batman waved out to the corner, and Sheldon Cooper watches the spacing open up like a front door. OHHHHH HE SNATCHED HIS ANKLES! Batman left him on the hardwood and this building is SHAKING! Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, Batman goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Boston Ring-Chasers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Throwing a shoulder into the defender like he is boarding a crowded train, Jabba the Hutt gets whistled for contact he never needed.

A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Batman pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. Batman catches on the wing, jab step, spin move, and that pivot foot comes clean off the hardwood. Traveling.

Cold blooded from Boston Ring-Chasers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Look at Sheldon Cooper down there, running a whole clinic from the end of the bench like an assistant on a short contract.

Turnover, layup, Boston Ring-Chasers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Hustle does not check your job title: the researcher tips it away and the possession is ours. The researcher just threw an outlet that traveled farther than most people commute. Absurd. Get that one framed. Darth Vader took off from the block and the defender is still lying on the floor.

The assistant points at the far corner, the head coach points at Jabba the Hutt, and the other three get told exactly where to stand. OHHHH that is BEAUTIFUL basketball! Batman finishes the set and the whole bench is up.

Batman points at Sonic the Hedgehog first, then at the pass that made it possible, then at Sonic the Hedgehog again, making sure the building knows who did the real work. Sonic the Hedgehog waves it off, embarrassed. The chant that starts up is not for the scorer.

Sheldon Cooper stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Darth Vader comes back to get him. And here is the answer to our game show Supermarket Sweep the Series! Cletus Ogletree of Hominy Corners, Oklahoma, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What percentage of halftime shows are secretly the same guy?' The answer was of course eighty six percent, and his name is Gary. Cletus therefore wins a jackalope postcard rack with no postcards in it! I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

73-118 (L)

Jabba the Hutt controls the tip, and the offense gets to run its first set on schedule. Little edges like that stack up over forty-eight minutes.

NO! Sonic the Hedgehog fouls a shooter behind the arc. Three free throws. That is malpractice. He stays out there with five, which tells you how much this coach trusts Sonic the Hedgehog and how little he trusts anybody else.

Dagger from San Antonio Skyscrapers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Two points left on the floor by Sheldon Cooper, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth. Another extra possession courtesy of the jedi, a man who evidently boxes out at work too. Some habits do not clock out. Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Darth Vader makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. Deep. Deeper. GONE. Sheldon Cooper drops it in from a spot the scouting report never even listed.

Wiping imaginary dust off both shoulders, Sheldon Cooper strolls back on defense at the speed of a man walking his dog. Batman carries the bit further and mimes brushing off his shoes. The bench is on the floor. The head coach is not laughing, but only barely.

More second chance points for San Antonio Skyscrapers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Break! Sonic the Hedgehog takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Did you know Sonic the Hedgehog started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. And now, our halftime TV game show The Dating Game of Horseshoes! To win a cast-iron skillet seasoned by four generations of strangers, text HOOPS to 555-0313 and answer this question: 'What is the world record for longest halftime shot made by a man holding a soft drink?' Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.

The researcher runs a dribble handoff with the timing of a fifteen-year vet. Not bad for somebody who does this on weekends. Missed layup for the jedi and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. San Antonio Skyscrapers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

OHHHH the hesi! Batman froze him solid and he is already gone! Filthy patience from Batman. He waits for the fly-by, leans into it, and turns one possession into three free points.

Turnover, layup, San Antonio Skyscrapers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Laser from Sheldon Cooper, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Jabba the Hutt attacks the baseline and the ENTIRE defense has to rotate behind him! Rim out for Jabba the Hutt, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for San Antonio Skyscrapers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Feet were down. Jabba the Hutt drove through a brick wall, and the officials agree with the brick wall.

That is a costly ten seconds for Jabba the Hutt. He lost the call, he lost his temper, and the other team gets a point without leaving the huddle. The gang leader argued himself right off the floor. That mouth pays the bills in that line of work, and tonight it cost him the fourth quarter.

The researcher is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. Filthy. Absolutely filthy from Sonic the Hedgehog, and the defender knows exactly what just happened to him. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the player, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

The superhero just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. The superhero just fired one in from the logo and the roof nearly came off this place. That is in nobody's job description.

Salute: sharp, military, held. Batman delivers it toward the loudest corner of the building and does not drop his hand until the noise starts to hurt. Darth Vader snaps to attention beside him and the bench follows. Twelve saluting maniacs and a coach with his head in his hands.

Darth Vader pulls his cap down over his eyes. Batman doesn't have a cap, and it shows. And here is the answer to our game The Dating Game of Horseshoes! Sherman Pilkington of Chicken Bristle, Rhode Island, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the world record for longest halftime shot made by a man holding a soft drink?' The answer was of course forty-one feet, and he did not spill a drop, which is the real story. Sherman takes home a cast-iron skillet seasoned by four generations of strangers! I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

81-126 (L)

Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Sheldon Cooper just did it by hitting Batman on the back side with acres of room. Working him at the top of the key, low dribble, low dribble, then Batman rips it across and his man lunges at a ghost. AROUND the cylinder and OUT! Batman cannot believe it, and neither can this building.

Turnover, layup, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Unsportsmanlike foul on the researcher. Two shots and the ball back, a steep price for a man who came here on his day off.

Dagger from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Break. Darth Vader asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. The staff told me Darth Vader sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. And now, our halftime TV game show The Big Spin Cycle! To win a toaster that only toasts one side of the bread, text HOOPS to 555-1057 and answer this question: 'What is the resale value of a game worn wristband?' The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.

Somebody explain how the researcher reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. OHHHHH HE SNATCHED HIS ANKLES! Darth Vader left him on the hardwood and this building is SHAKING! Buzzer on the shot clock, Darth Vader heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Sonic the Hedgehog slides, closes out, recovers. The ball goes all the way around the perimeter and comes back with nothing. OHHHH what a hustle play from Jabba the Hutt! He had no business getting a finger on that basketball.

The jedi just wiped a layup off the face of the earth and stood over the wreckage! Whatever they teach at that day job, it is working. Rebound to fast break in one motion, courtesy of the jedi. That is not a hobby, that is a skill set. BAAAANG! Sheldon Cooper throws the outlet ahead and Jabba the Hutt finishes through contact at the rim!

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

The superhero just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. The superhero hammers a brick off the backboard so hard the rim is still shaking. Nothing in that resume prepared anybody for this.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Batman threw it before the help even committed. The researcher just handed that one straight to the other team. Hey, nobody is perfect at two jobs at once.

Nobody told the jedi that a duel like this was supposed to be above his pay grade, and it is a beautiful thing to watch.

Screen, pop, SPLASH! Sheldon Cooper kicks it out and that thing never touched iron. Batman rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

Dribble handoff from Sheldon Cooper, and the defender gets wiped out on the exchange! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Sonic the Hedgehog builds the whole thing from nothing. No screen, no help, three points.

Batman bites the inside of his cheek. Darth Vader pinches the bridge of his nose. And here is the answer to our game show The Big Spin Cycle! Virgil Stanback of Buzzard Roost Landing, North Dakota, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the resale value of a game worn wristband?' The answer was of course two dollars and a firm handshake. Virgil therefore wins a toaster that only toasts one side of the bread! During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'