My dream football team — football_team 🇬🇧

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-1 (L)

That's a beauty from Rúben Dias! Slides across the turf and takes the ball off the attacker's boot. Clinical defending. Solo charge from Rúben Dias, he sets off from his own box and carries the ball the full length of the field. What FINESSE on the strike from Rúben Dias! On the cross from Nahuel Molina, he caresses the ball and it is in the corner!

Rúben Dias kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Renato Veiga takes a knee behind him. Emiliano Martínez raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Renato Veiga reads the attempted through ball and intercepts in stride. The defence wanted to play it quick, but Renato Veiga was quicker. Renato Veiga unleashes a raking ball out to Nahuel Molina, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer.

The free kick from Nahuel Molina sails across the entire box, Renato Veiga is at the back post waiting. Renato Veiga crosses but a defender cuts out the delivery. No danger for the back line. Nuno Mendes lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war. Renato Veiga loses the header in the box, the opponent imposed himself physically. Dangerous situation.

Great vision from Nuno Mendes who switches to Nahuel Molina. The defence pivots, but they are too late. Nahuel Molina goes up to the heavens and comes back down with the ball. Aerial duel won, total domination, the opposition can pack their bags.

Rúben Dias delivers a tidy ball to Nuno Mendes, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Nuno Mendes shifts it wide to Rúben Dias on the right, lovely ball into the space. One touch football: Rúben Dias to Renato Veiga, faster than the opposition can think. Smooth transition from Renato Veiga to Nuno Mendes, no delay, the game keeps flowing.

Nobody is talking but everyone is thinking. Nahuel Molina reties {his} laces for the fourth time. Rúben Dias cracks {his} neck left, then right. The scoreline is level and the anxiety is palpable. The gaffer finally speaks: "Fifteen minutes. Give me fifteen minutes of proper intensity at the start of the second half and we win this." Now we've learned that Emiliano Martínez has completed every single crossword in the back of the Metro newspaper for the past four years. Never missed one. The squad calls him 'The Professor,' which is a bit generous, but at 34, let the man have his moment. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 1122 and answer this question: 'What is the postcode for existential dread?' Right then, part two. Renato Veiga adjusts {his} shin pads one last time and looks up. The floodlights catch the determination in {his} eyes. Forty-five minutes to make it count.

GOAL! Paris Saint-Glinglin are celebrating! Their attacker made it look far too easy.

Emiliano Martínez runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Rúben Dias gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

Emiliano Martínez plays it short to Rúben Dias, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Rúben Dias wins the battle in the air against the attacker, he took the elevator while everyone else took the stairs. Rúben Dias to Renato Veiga, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. What a ball from Renato Veiga! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and Nahuel Molina is away on his own. That is velvet.

Renato Veiga feeds Nuno Mendes in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Good delivery from Nuno Mendes off the left flank, Nahuel Molina positions himself between the two centre-halves. OHHH the header from Nahuel Molina! It goes just right of the post, the keeper was beaten! Emiliano Martínez distributes by hand to Rúben Dias on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Switch from Rúben Dias! The ball arcs over the midfield and Nuno Mendes collects it on the other side. Stretching the play.

Emiliano Martínez fires it out quickly by hand to Nuno Mendes, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart. Nuno Mendes sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. Nuno Mendes chips his ball over the centre-backs for Rúben Dias, the timing is absolutely perfect.

Rúben Dias tries the one-two with Nahuel Molina and it comes off! The wall is perfect, Rúben Dias wins the battle without even touching the opponent. The linesman raises his flag, Rúben Dias was a yard ahead of the last defender when Nuno Mendes played it. Emiliano Martínez plays it along the ground to Renato Veiga, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. Quick one-two between Renato Veiga and Nahuel Molina, clean as you like, they are moving forward.

Renato Veiga wins the ball back high up the pitch after an outrageous press. The defender crumbled under the pressure. Little shift from Renato Veiga to Nahuel Molina, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Nahuel Molina uses Nuno Mendes as a wall, the return is instant, Nahuel Molina carries on into space. Crystal clear.

1-1. Rúben Dias and Emiliano Martínez are the last two off the pitch, as ever. The stadium is nearly empty, a groundsman is starting to fold up the advertising boards. "Next time," says Rúben Dias. "Next time," replies Emiliano Martínez. And they vanish into the tunnel. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Clive Fogsworth, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the postcode for existential dread?'. The answer was of course SL1 1AA, which is technically in Slough, and that explains everything. Clive wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

1-0 (W)

Nahuel Molina refuses the direct delivery and plays short to Renato Veiga, they're taking their time. Renato Veiga plays a surgical cut-back along the floor for Nuno Mendes in the six-yard box. That is pure silk. Nuno Mendes pops up like a thief in the box! With the tip of the boot he diverts the ball into the net, GOOOAL!

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Nahuel Molina is at the centre, lifted up by Renato Veiga and Emiliano Martínez, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. México No-Era-Penal's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

Oh what a challenge! Nuno Mendes goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. Monumental ball from Nuno Mendes to Nahuel Molina, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Cross from Nahuel Molina off the left, the ball travels across the entire six-yard box and finds Rúben Dias at the far side. Oh what a mess from Rúben Dias's corner! Nobody can get a clean touch, a defender hacks it clear! Renato Veiga tries his luck, it's ON TARGEEEET but the keeper dives full stretch and pulls off a worldie!

Driven kick from Emiliano Martínez to Renato Veiga, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Renato Veiga puts it right into the feet of Nuno Mendes, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Nuno Mendes sets it for Renato Veiga, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Renato Veiga barges into the opponent off the ball. Free kick awarded. Renato Veiga plays the free kick as a cross, Rúben Dias finds himself one-on-one after the knockdown.

Quick exchange between Nahuel Molina and Rúben Dias, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. What a hit from Rúben Dias! Absolute ROCKEEEET, on target but the keeper somehow claws it away! The corner from Rúben Dias is cut out at the near post by a defender, no danger.

Shifting pass from Nahuel Molina to Renato Veiga, the ball drifts into the free zone and Renato Veiga is onto it in two strides. Renato Veiga powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated. Renato Veiga lobs it over the defensive block, Nahuel Molina peels off and receives in space. Sublime. Emiliano Martínez climbs and grabs the ball with both hands. The cross is killed off, the danger is gone. Emiliano Martínez opts for the short option to Nuno Mendes, keeping possession, building play, no panic.

Emiliano Martínez is telling anyone who will listen about the nutmeg {he} put on their centre-half. "Did you see his face? Mate, he looked like he had seen a ghost!" Renato Veiga adds: "The poor lad is probably still turning." The gaffer lets the banter flow. Happy dressing room, happy results. Now here's one for you — Nahuel Molina was reportedly spotted in a Wetherspoons at half seven on a Tuesday morning, nursing a full English and reading the Racing Post. At 175 tall, he says the big breakfast is the only thing that fuels a man his size. And now, our TV game show The Great British Guess Off! To win a tin of Quality Street with all the good ones already taken, text 0800CHOC and answer: 'Which Quality Street does nobody ever pick first?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Emiliano Martínez is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Rúben Dias plays the simple ball to Nuno Mendes, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Great overlap from Nuno Mendes down the flank, pinpoint cross for Rúben Dias in the area. This is the moment. The cross from Rúben Dias is cut out cleanly by an alert defender. The defence has stood up. Long kick from Emiliano Martínez, Renato Veiga positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on.

Cracking counter, they've knifed through the middle at full tilt. Rúben Dias curls one with his right, it's bending and bending but it slides just wide of the post. So close! Massive punt from Emiliano Martínez, sends the ball sixty yards, Nuno Mendes is scrapping for it up top. Nuno Mendes absolutely butchers that pass, straight into the feet of the opposition.

Renato Veiga nudges the ball tiny distances, no progress at all. Renato Veiga picks up a silly yellow, mouthed off at the ref after a clear foul. The free kick from Renato Veiga lands right on Nuno Mendes in the heart of the box. What a delivery! Header from Nuno Mendes, it grazes the bar but goes over! So close to goal, so far from the target.

Pull-back from Nahuel Molina inside the area for Renato Veiga, it is gift-wrapped. Just finish it. Renato Veiga with the goal gaping thanks to Rúben Dias... and he sends it over the crossbar. We cannot believe it. Dead time on the pitch, both sides happy to keep it ticking over.

Rúben Dias thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work. We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. Sideways ball from Renato Veiga to Nahuel Molina, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Nahuel Molina pulls the opponent back as he tries to break. Cynical but necessary.

GET IN THERE! Emiliano Martínez slides on his knees across the wet turf, Nuno Mendes piles on top, and suddenly half the squad is in a heap. The physio's already panicking about someone's hamstring. México No-Era-Penal can only watch. That's what it means to this lot. Margaret from Didcot says it's the toffee penny and she will die on that hill. She wins the tin of leftovers! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

1-2 (L)

Corner from Nahuel Molina, it's a MADHOUSE in the box! Three blocks, two ricochets, defense survives! Nahuel Molina arrives at full pelt and prods the ball in at point-blank range! On the delivery from Renato Veiga, it is in, GOAL!

It's in! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

Rúben Dias produces a chest control into a roulette. That is pure art. Blistering run from Rúben Dias on the wing, the defender is chasing but never catches up. Inch-perfect cross from Rúben Dias, the ball clips just over the keeper's hands and finds Nuno Mendes at the back post.

Rúben Dias spots Nahuel Molina in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness. Nahuel Molina nutmegs the defender, the opponent is left on the floor. Filthy.

Renato Veiga anticipates the pass and intercepts cleanly. The opposition midfielder thought he had found the gap, but it was a trap. Lovely use of the ball by Renato Veiga, finding Nahuel Molina in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Nahuel Molina releases Renato Veiga with a ball into space on the left. The defence is sliding across but they are too late. Renato Veiga gets to the byline and whips one in, the ball floats into the area looking for the head of Nuno Mendes. Nuno Mendes tries to get up for the duel but the attacker beats him to the header. The timing was off.

The boss is so angry he has gone quiet. That is when you know it is really bad. He speaks barely above a whisper: "In twenty years of management, I have never been so embarrassed. Never. Rúben Dias, you were a ghost out there. The rest of you were not much better." Every word lands like a hammer. Dressing room whispers confirm that Nahuel Molina has an entire drawer at home dedicated to takeaway menus. Refuses to use apps. Says he likes 'the theatre of choosing from paper.' He's 28 and living in a beautiful analogue world. And now, our TV game show Pointless Gestures! To win a royal family commemorative tea towel set, text 0800CROWN and answer: 'How many corgis can fit in a single Buckingham Palace corridor?' Second half underway and Emiliano Martínez is straight into it, pressing high from the first whistle. No easing into this one. Straight for the jugular.

Vertical press, the opposition has to go long and aimless. Tremendous work from Rúben Dias who goes and wins the ball in the opposition half. The press is rewarded, recovery thirty yards from goal. Rúben Dias goes for it and BAAANG! On target! But the keeper sticks out a firm hand and pushes it for a corner.

Huge interception from Nahuel Molina! He cuts out the pass and drives forward. The kind of action that never shows up in the stats but changes the whole match. Good ball from Nahuel Molina to Rúben Dias, playing it quick between the lines. Rúben Dias reads the movement from Nahuel Molina and puts the ball right into the pocket of space. Game intelligence off the charts. Nahuel Molina tries to pick out Renato Veiga on the flank but the pass is straight at a defender. Missed.

Killer ball from Rúben Dias through the gap! Nuno Mendes bursts in, the centre-backs are split wide open. This is top-drawer stuff. Effort from Nuno Mendes, just wide but it was close. The keeper was beaten, just the post in the way. The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it. Nahuel Molina opens up to Renato Veiga on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent.

GOAL! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

Emiliano Martínez dives head-first into the back of the net and comes out with the ball between his teeth, eyes burning. Rúben Dias can't breathe he's laughing so hard. Emiliano Martínez claps from his own box, the roar from the stadium cranks up another ten decibels.

Nuno Mendes plays off Rúben Dias, the return arrives right down the middle and Nuno Mendes is free as a bird. No question about that one, Nuno Mendes was clearly offside when Renato Veiga released the pass. Monster clearance from Emiliano Martínez, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Renato Veiga. Firm pass from Renato Veiga into Rúben Dias, right into the boots. No waste. Rúben Dias beats his man with a sharp dribble, instant change of direction.

Long ball from Emiliano Martínez for Rúben Dias who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy. Diagonal from Rúben Dias to Renato Veiga, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Awful pass from Renato Veiga, the ball goes out of play. That had disaster written all over it from the start. Nuno Mendes hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match.

Tidy restart from Emiliano Martínez along the deck to Nuno Mendes, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Rapid combination: Nuno Mendes to Rúben Dias, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Rúben Dias shifts it to Nuno Mendes with a short pass, threading it between two defenders.

Full time and it's a bitter one. Rúben Dias stands rooted to the spot, hands on hips, staring at nothing. Renato Veiga walks past and squeezes his shoulder. No words needed. Casablanca Dima-Maghrib are celebrating twenty yards away but it might as well be another planet. Philippa from Henley-on-Thames says at least fourteen corgis comfortably and twenty at a push. The tea towel set is hers! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

1-0 (W)

Nahuel Molina slips it to Nuno Mendes on the short corner, the defense stretches to follow. Cut-back from Nuno Mendes along the deck, the ball skids past the defence and finds Nahuel Molina centrally. OOOOH the POACHER'S goal from Nahuel Molina! The keeper spilled, he was THERE, he poked it in. GOAL!

Nahuel Molina places the ball on the centre spot, stands on top of it, arms in a V like a pharaoh on his throne. Renato Veiga falls to his knees bowing. Emiliano Martínez does a slow sarcastic clap. The home end loves this magnificent arrogance.

Nahuel Molina spreads it to Nuno Mendes, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Nuno Mendes floats a ball towards Rúben Dias but it is too short, the opponent picks it off without breaking a sweat. Interception from Renato Veiga right through the middle, he anticipated the switch of play and placed himself right in the passing lane. Pure intelligence. Renato Veiga rolls it to Rúben Dias, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Rúben Dias slides it to Nahuel Molina, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end. No runs in behind, no penetration, just ball retention for its own sake. Renato Veiga lays it off first time to Nahuel Molina, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Wasteful from Nahuel Molina on that pass, the ball does not arrive. Renato Veiga throws his arms up in frustration.

The crowd is on its feet, every ball is ending up in the box. Mad scenes, Emiliano Martínez sprinting to the halfway line to get back up in time. Renato Veiga takes off and beats everyone to the header. Nobody can compete with him in the air. Renato Veiga slips Rúben Dias in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever.

Rúben Dias delivers, it's a scramble! The ball ricochets off shins and heads, defense finally boots it away! Nuno Mendes tries from distance and CRAAACKS it! On target but the keeper pushes it aside. Unlucky.

The boss pulls Nuno Mendes aside: "You have been absolutely magnificent out there, mate. 24 years old and running the show like you own the place. Keep doing what you are doing." Nuno Mendes just nods, half-smile on {his} face, the quiet confidence of someone who knows {he} is having a blinder. Incredible scenes last summer when Rúben Dias was spotted queuing for forty-five minutes at a Nando's in Croydon. Refused the VIP treatment, said he wanted the authentic experience. Ordered a medium butterfly chicken at 29 years old — no surprises there. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 4466 and answer this question: 'In which year did the pork pie achieve sentience in Barnsley?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Rúben Dias leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Looping cross from Renato Veiga, it sails over the centre-halves and drops towards Nahuel Molina. Danger. OHHH the volley attempt from Nahuel Molina! It's pure, it's clean, but it doesn't go in. Emiliano Martínez distributes short to Rúben Dias, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes.

Renato Veiga fires the ball over to Rúben Dias with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book. Rúben Dias forces a pass to Nuno Mendes who was not in position. Bad read, ball gone. What a tackle by Rúben Dias! Times it to perfection, nicks the ball, and the ref waves play on. Outstanding. Rapid break, the defenders are still trying to find their marks.

Rúben Dias goes sliding in and doesn't touch a thing, fresh air tackle that. Awful. WHAT A FINGERTIP SAVE from Emiliano Martínez! The ball was heading top bins, he flicked it away! Nahuel Molina sends the corner into the heart of the box but a defender wins the aerial duel and heads clear.

Crossfield pass from Rúben Dias to Nahuel Molina, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. Nahuel Molina goes to ground and absolutely nails the tackle. Ball won, danger cleared, crowd on their feet. Nahuel Molina gives it to Nuno Mendes into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Nuno Mendes picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train. Nuno Mendes fires a powerful cross into the danger zone, Renato Veiga throws himself at it. It is heating up in the box.

Rúben Dias goes tactical with the short corner to Renato Veiga, the defense is forced to come out. Renato Veiga finds Rúben Dias between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. WOOOW Rúben Dias launches a missile! On target, the ball is fizzing but the keeper tips it around the post!

FULL TIME! Renato Veiga jumps on Rúben Dias's back for a piggyback ride toward the dugout. The bench erupts. The kitman is doing a jig nobody asked for. Dakar Teranga FC shake hands and disappear, but we're staying. This moment deserves to be savoured. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Colin Flannel-Trousers, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'In which year did the pork pie achieve sentience in Barnsley?'. The answer was of course 2019, though it immediately requested to be left alone, which is very Barnsley. Colin wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

1-1 (L)

What a disaster! Douala Makossa-Corner score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

Emiliano Martínez weaves through Douala Makossa-Corner's defenders to reach his own fans, waving his arms to whip up the stand. Every step is chanted. Nuno Mendes screams 'COME OOOON!' next to him. World Cup final vibes in a league match.

Neat one-two between Nahuel Molina and Renato Veiga, simple, beautiful, and above all effective. GOOOOOOL! Nahuel Molina catapults an indecent rocket on the cross from Rúben Dias, the keeper did not even move!

Change of flanks from Nuno Mendes, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Rúben Dias. Rúben Dias is beaten in the air, the opponent rises above him with authority. That is tough to take. Almighty boot from Nahuel Molina who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe. The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge. Renato Veiga picks out Rúben Dias with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice.

Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end. Devastating burst of pace from Renato Veiga, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank. Late, late challenge from Renato Veiga on the attacker. He's caught him right on the ankle. Nasty. Renato Veiga gets an early bath! That tackle was a potential leg-breaker. The crowd is livid. Short free kick from Renato Veiga to Nahuel Molina, they are trying the training ground move.

Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality. Rúben Dias keeps it short to Nuno Mendes, no frills, just good football intelligence.

Nuno Mendes is tapping {his} studs on the floor, nervous energy pouring out of every pore. {he} knows {he} can do better. The gaffer knows it too. He crouches down in front of Nuno Mendes: "Stop hiding behind their centre-half. Get on the ball, take the game by the scruff of the neck. That is why you are in the team." We're hearing that Nahuel Molina spent his entire signing bonus on a ride-on lawnmower. Doesn't even have a garden — he lives in a flat. But the lad is 28, he's got a mower, and he says he's 'planning ahead.' Absolute scenes. And now, our TV game show Through the Keyhole of Number 42! To win net curtains for every window in your house, text 0800NOSY and answer: 'What is the maximum acceptable time to watch your neighbour through the curtains?' The referee blows the whistle and the second half kicks off. Rúben Dias takes the ball immediately and drives forward. No messing about.

Renato Veiga sends the corner in but a defender gets there first and heads it out for a throw. Rúben Dias switches the play to Nahuel Molina on the far side, superb crossfield ball! Nahuel Molina wins it in the air with terrifying ease. The opponent just got a masterclass in aerial dominance. Nahuel Molina plays it simple to Rúben Dias, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Textbook one-two between Rúben Dias and Nuno Mendes. The ball goes, comes back, and the defence is beaten. Pure football.

Crunching tackle by Rúben Dias on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it. Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. Nuno Mendes tries the curler... it bends beautifully but slides just past the post. AGONISING. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions. You can feel the stadium rising, the goal feels like it's coming.

Nuno Mendes sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Renato Veiga. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. Renato Veiga throws himself into the tackle and comes out with the ball. That's pure desire, that is. Telepathic pass from Renato Veiga to Nahuel Molina, like they rehearsed it at breakfast. The ball fizzes in behind the defence. Massive hit from Nahuel Molina, BOOOOM! On target but the keeper is absolutely commanding. Huge stop.

Beautiful distribution from Emiliano Martínez to Renato Veiga, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. It falls apart for Renato Veiga, the pass goes the wrong way entirely, the opponent recovers and starts again. Perfectly executed challenge by Nahuel Molina, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb. Nahuel Molina clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football.

Renato Veiga takes on the defender in tight quarters and comes out on top. Pure talent. The defender breathes on Renato Veiga and he goes down like a sack of potatoes. Ridiculous. Booking for Renato Veiga, that swan dive wouldn't fool a Sunday league ref. Renato Veiga's free kick crashes into the wall, well defended. The corner from Rúben Dias is thumped clear by the defence, back to the halfway line.

Free kick swung in by Nahuel Molina, the ball travels across the six-yard box and Nuno Mendes is lurking. Nuno Mendes wins his duel in the air and heads it down for Rúben Dias. Aerial dominance in the service of the team. Overlap from Nuno Mendes on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed. Free kick conceded by Nuno Mendes, a nibble at the opponent's heels. Enough to bring him down. Nuno Mendes goes short to Renato Veiga, they are trying to find a way through with a set piece routine.

Level at the final whistle. Emiliano Martínez and Rúben Dias walk side by side toward the tunnel without a word. The rain is drizzling gently. A point isn't great, isn't disaster — just exactly what today was worth. The dressing room will be quiet. Valerie from Bournemouth says thirty-eight seconds is the socially accepted maximum before you have to pretend to look at your phone. Net curtains for Valerie! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

1-1 (L)

Solo run from Nahuel Molina, he drives up the pitch at full speed, beating everyone in sight. PENALTY! Nahuel Molina is fouled in the box, the referee does NOT hesitate. He points to the spot, that is a decision HEAVY with consequences! Nahuel Molina takes a run-up and STRIKES! Penalty into the back of the net, the keeper went the other way. GOAL!

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment Nahuel Molina strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. Renato Veiga points at it, jaw on the floor. Emiliano Martínez shakes his head, not believing it.

Nahuel Molina flies in with a scissor tackle on the attacker, completely out of control! Endless VAR check here, players exchanging glances, managers pacing the technical area. The video doesn't lie: no contact on Nahuel Molina, no penalty! Flat atmosphere, flat game, everyone looks half asleep.

Added time, keepers pushing their limits, strikers still believe. Renato Veiga links up with Nuno Mendes, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Nuno Mendes launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Renato Veiga, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully. Renato Veiga looks up and swings in a floated cross, Nuno Mendes rises among the defenders.

Renato Veiga boots it into touch with a last-ditch sliding clearance, the effort is desperate but it does the business. Lovely on the eye but completely sterile, no penetration at all. Textbook lay-off from Rúben Dias to Renato Veiga who suddenly has ten yards of daylight ahead of him. Highway. Renato Veiga tries to open it up for Nuno Mendes but the timing is miles off. Possession lost.

Decisive glance from Rúben Dias who spots the pass leaving the boot and throws himself into the trajectory. What a lifesaving interception. Short build-up from Rúben Dias to Nahuel Molina, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Brilliant switch of play from Nahuel Molina! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Nuno Mendes. Lay-off from Nuno Mendes to Rúben Dias, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan.

"Right, hands up, who thinks that was good enough?" The gaffer scans the room. Not a single hand goes up. Emiliano Martínez shifts uncomfortably on the bench. Nuno Mendes picks at the tape on {his} wrist. "Exactly," says the boss. "Because it was not. We are better than this and every single one of you knows it." Nahuel Molina once bumped into David Attenborough at a Tesco Express and panicked so badly the 28-year-old dropped an entire basket of Pot Noodles. Sir David apparently whispered 'fascinating specimen.' And now, our TV game show The Great British Guess Off! To win a tin of Quality Street with all the good ones already taken, text 0800CHOC and answer: 'Which Quality Street does nobody ever pick first?' Forty-five minutes left on the clock. Renato Veiga knows it, the fans know it, even the bloke selling pies behind the away end knows it. This is where it matters.

We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. Rúben Dias clips the opponent's heels as he turns. Not intentional, but it's a foul. Rúben Dias lays it off to Renato Veiga from the free kick, little one-two to get around the wall. Renato Veiga bamboozles the defender with a feint, leaves him chasing shadows. Just wide! Renato Veiga struck it well but lacked that tiny bit of precision.

Rúben Dias skins the defender with a quick shimmy, the opponent will not see the ball again. That's a swan dive from Rúben Dias! He'd get a ten from the Olympic judges. Rúben Dias booked for the dive, he went down like a sack of potatoes with zero contact. Rúben Dias strikes the free kick but the defenders in the wall block it. That's the end of that. The corner from Rúben Dias comes to nothing, the defence clears at the first post.

Lovely use of the ball by Nahuel Molina, finding Rúben Dias in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Rúben Dias feeds Nuno Mendes in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Nuno Mendes picks out Nahuel Molina with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice.

They've nicked a goal! Lagos No-Carry-Last catch us cold on the break.

Emiliano Martínez fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. Renato Veiga plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

Rúben Dias links up with Nahuel Molina, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Nahuel Molina slides it to Renato Veiga, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Floated cross from Renato Veiga off the right, Nahuel Molina has stationed himself on the penalty spot. Anything is possible. WHAT A HEADER from Nahuel Molina! It fliiiiies... but it goes wide. The post was shaking. We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep.

Rúben Dias keeps it short to Renato Veiga, no frills, just good football intelligence. Absolute peach from Renato Veiga, threading it through for Rúben Dias, the centre-halves are done for! Rúben Dias hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust.

Level at the final whistle. Nahuel Molina and Rúben Dias walk side by side toward the tunnel without a word. The rain is drizzling gently. A point isn't great, isn't disaster — just exactly what today was worth. The dressing room will be quiet. Margaret from Didcot says it's the toffee penny and she will die on that hill. She wins the tin of leftovers! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

1-1 (L)

Masterful reading from Nuno Mendes who cuts out the through ball. The timing is perfect, the anticipation is frightening. Nuno Mendes dares the long-range strike and IT GOES IN! The ball traces a splendid arc and ends in the top corner, GOAL!

Nuno Mendes runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Rúben Dias gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

Far too slow, the opposition has time to set up ten times over. Poor cross from Nahuel Molina, the ball sails three yards over the head of Nuno Mendes. Wasteful. SUPERB take from Emiliano Martínez! He climbs above everyone and gathers with authority. Short build-up from Renato Veiga to Nahuel Molina, playing out from the back, keeping it safe.

Fast break, one-touch football, they've cut them to ribbons. Rúben Dias fires wide, not far from the post though! Emiliano Martínez smashes a volley towards Nuno Mendes, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper.

Nahuel Molina puts it right into the feet of Nuno Mendes, one touch and away. Silky stuff. WHAT A SHAME for Nuno Mendes! Thunderous strike that flashes just past the upright. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages. Renato Veiga pings a long diagonal to Nahuel Molina, completely shifts the point of attack.

Renato Veiga hounds the goalkeeper on his distribution and wins the ball on the edge of the box. Audacity rewarded. Dummy from Renato Veiga, the defender dives in and ends up on the deck. Done. Renato Veiga winds up and FIRES! It's wide but it brushed the upright. Unlucky! Emiliano Martínez throws it out quickly to Rúben Dias, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset.

"I have seen enough sideways passing to last me a lifetime," the gaffer mutters, rubbing his temples. "We need to go forward. Direct. Purposeful. Rúben Dias, stop dropping deep. Nahuel Molina, stop playing safe. I would rather we lose trying to win than draw playing like cowards." The words sting, but they are fair. Teammates say Renato Veiga has an uncanny ability to find the nearest Greggs within thirty seconds of arriving in any city. It's like a sixth sense. At 190, he's essentially a sausage-roll-seeking missile in football boots. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 6161 and answer this question: 'What is the square root of a full English breakfast?' The dressing rooms empty and the pitch fills up again. Nahuel Molina does a few quick stretches on the touchline before jogging into position. Ready for war.

Nahuel Molina clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched. The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. Rapid combination: Nuno Mendes to Renato Veiga, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Renato Veiga eliminates his opponent with a short piece of skill, absolutely surgical.

Textbook collective defending, everyone tucks in and shuts the angles. Renato Veiga boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there. Renato Veiga drops a lofted ball to Rúben Dias, it sails over the entire midfield line.

Well spotted by Rúben Dias who cuts out the pass, that is pure anticipation. Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. Dreadful pass from Renato Veiga, lands three yards away from the target. Rúben Dias can do nothing with that.

Rapid combination: Renato Veiga to Nahuel Molina, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Nahuel Molina uses Nuno Mendes as a wall, the ball pings back like off a squash court wall. Timing is everything. Linesman's flag is up immediately. Nahuel Molina was a good metre off on Nuno Mendes's pass. Emiliano Martínez finds Rúben Dias with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money. Lovely interception from Rúben Dias, he anticipated the movement and cut off the pass before it reached its target.

Oh no, it's in! Barranquilla Toque-Toque punish a terrible defensive error. Heads in hands.

Double backflip off the penalty spot from Emiliano Martínez. Rúben Dias is on his knees clapping, Emiliano Martínez is screaming 'ARE YOU MENTAL?!' from forty yards away. The home end gets to their feet, flags flapping, scarves overhead. Raw.

Nuno Mendes takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race. Driven cross from Nuno Mendes into the box, Renato Veiga arrives at full pace at the near post. This smells like a goal. Renato Veiga crosses but it hits the defender's knee. The danger is cleared. Nahuel Molina launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty.

Points shared. Emiliano Martínez sits on the grass for a full minute, staring up at the floodlights. Nahuel Molina crouches beside him: "Come on mate, let's get inside. Tuesday's another game." Long season. Draws happen. Nobody's thrilled, nobody's devastated. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Trevor Mildew-Parsnip, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the square root of a full English breakfast?'. The answer was of course a fried egg and half a sausage, obviously. Trevor wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-3 (L)

And there it is, Montevideo Garra-Charrúa score! The writing was on the wall after that pressure.

Solidarity move: Emiliano Martínez grabs Rúben Dias who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Rúben Dias a standing ovation right through to the restart.

Quick dribble from Nahuel Molina, one touch, one turn, and the defender is eliminated. PENALTY for Nahuel Molina! The defender TACKLES him in the box, the referee blows without hesitation. The player gets up, the pressure is on his SHOULDERS now. Nahuel Molina converts the penalty with OLYMPIC calm! The keeper went left, the ball went right. GOAL!

Nahuel Molina mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Rúben Dias raises Nahuel Molina's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Emiliano Martínez plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. Nuno Mendes keeps it short to Renato Veiga, no frills, just good football intelligence. Little shift from Renato Veiga to Rúben Dias, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Rúben Dias and Nahuel Molina find each other blindfolded, instant one-two, the channel is open.

Frenzied press, two players jumping on every touch. Rúben Dias sees everything, understands everything, and intercepts at the perfect moment. That is the kind of player who makes a team unbeatable. Rúben Dias goes crossfield to Nahuel Molina, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Nahuel Molina delivers from the byline, Nuno Mendes is on the penalty spot, ready to finish.

Both keepers are overworked, shots raining in from everywhere. Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed. Great vision from Renato Veiga who finds Nahuel Molina in the right channel with a pass into acres of space. Room to breathe.

The boss slams the door shut and leans against it. Nobody leaves until he says so. "Look at your faces. You are beaten already and there are still forty-five minutes on the clock. Emiliano Martínez, lift your head up. Nahuel Molina, stop sulking. We are footballers, not victims. Now act like it." Here's one for the ages — Rúben Dias is the reigning champion of the dressing room biscuit dunking competition. His record is a full eleven-second dunk with a digestive. No breakage. At 186, his hand-to-mug coordination is genuinely world class. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 4455 and answer this question: 'Which colour was banned from Milton Keynes in 1987?' Renato Veiga leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

The block is holding firm, absolute reinforced concrete stuff. Supersonic transition, but the final shot ends up in the clouds. Nuno Mendes has a go but it drifts to the right of goal. Not far away though. Emiliano Martínez hoofs it forward towards Nahuel Molina, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Nahuel Molina delivers a tidy ball to Rúben Dias, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work.

What a mess! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa capitalise on that blunder. We are our own worst enemy.

Nuno Mendes tugs the shirt of the opponent, referee spots it straight away. Free kick. Free kick from Nuno Mendes... into the wall. The wall didn't flinch. What on earth is Nahuel Molina doing with this corner?! Straight into the cemetery!

Emiliano Martínez takes his time and plays it short to Renato Veiga. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. Dominant header from Renato Veiga on the corner, he outmuscles his marker and wins the aerial duel. The ground shakes. Short build-up from Renato Veiga to Nuno Mendes, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Nuno Mendes curls it and it's GOIIIIING... on target but the keeper dives and pushes it wide. What a save!

Absolutely dreadful! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa score and we have only ourselves to blame.

Emiliano Martínez stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Nahuel Molina comes over and hugs him without a word.

Nahuel Molina shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class. Nahuel Molina plays it simple to Nuno Mendes, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Nuno Mendes rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Rúben Dias. The far side is completely deserted.

The corner from Renato Veiga is met by a defender who volleys it out for a throw-in. Rúben Dias steps across to cut the passing lane and comes away with possession. It is subtle, it is clean, it is absolutely top class. Rúben Dias sets it for Nuno Mendes, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating.

Little shift from Rúben Dias to Nuno Mendes, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Body feint from Nuno Mendes, the defender slides the wrong way. That is embarrassing for the marker. Nuno Mendes loses the ball on the dribble, too greedy in that situation. Magnificent reading of the game from Rúben Dias, he intercepts between the lines and launches the counter. That kind of action turns a match on its head. Clearance from Rúben Dias under pressure, the ball flies into touch on the far side. It is not in the coaching manual but it works.

Rúben Dias goes straight to the bus without showering. Sits at the back, hood up, headphones in. Emiliano Martínez takes the seat across the aisle but doesn't try to talk. The motorway lights flicker past the window. Sometimes silence is the only honest response. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Trevor Mildew-Parsnip, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which colour was banned from Milton Keynes in 1987?'. The answer was of course mauve, after a council vote determined it was too exciting for a town built entirely of roundabouts. Trevor wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

1-1 (L)

Nahuel Molina puts in a crunching challenge, all ball, no foul. The attacker's left with absolutely nothing. Extraordinary run from Nahuel Molina, he beats three men and arrives at the edge of the box. OOOH GOAL from Nahuel Molina! On the assist from Rúben Dias, he curls it along the deck and the ball sneaks into the corner!

Double backflip off the penalty spot from Nahuel Molina. Emiliano Martínez is on his knees clapping, Emiliano Martínez is screaming 'ARE YOU MENTAL?!' from forty yards away. The home end gets to their feet, flags flapping, scarves overhead. Raw.

Emiliano Martínez plays out from the back with Renato Veiga, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. Good ball from Renato Veiga to Rúben Dias, playing it quick between the lines.

Ten men in the box, this is the big all-in. The referee keeping an eye on it, Emiliano Martínez in the box, corner about to be delivered. Header from Nuno Mendes, he did everything right except the finish! It goes wide, the keeper thanks the woodwork. Emiliano Martínez sends an absolute rocket towards Rúben Dias, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch.

Rúben Dias picks it up in his own half and charges forward on his own, he beats two on the way! Brilliant opening from Rúben Dias for Nahuel Molina, frees up the entire left flank. The linesman flags Nahuel Molina offside and that is razor thin! Nuno Mendes throws his arms up. Emiliano Martínez rolls it short to Nuno Mendes into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play.

They've scored again! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío are running riot and we can't cope.

The gaffer grabs a marker and circles a spot on the tactics board: "This space here. Between their centre-back and full-back. That is where we win this match." He turns to Renato Veiga: "You find that pocket, you receive, you go. No messing about. Nuno Mendes, you make the run to drag the defender." Nods all round. Renato Veiga has developed a full-blown B&Q addiction, spending every Sunday morning browsing power tools with absolutely no DIY ability. At 23, the lad owns fourteen drills and has never put up a shelf. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 2244 and answer this question: 'How many kettles are boiling at any given moment in Britain?' Renato Veiga is the last one out of the tunnel, laces done up tight, sleeves rolled up proper. The look on {his} face says everything. Let us get on with it.

Nahuel Molina hooks the attacker by the elbow, cheap foul in midfield. Yellow card for Nahuel Molina, the accumulation of fouls made this inevitable. Nahuel Molina hits the free kick and it ends up three yards over the bar. Dreadful technique.

Renato Veiga with a trademark slide tackle, gets the ball and pops straight back up. The fans are on their feet! Raid from Renato Veiga starting in his own half, he eats up the pitch and arrives in front of goal. Moment of madness. Failed dribble from Renato Veiga, he tried the skill but the timing was off. Nuno Mendes cuts out the opposition's build-up with a perfectly timed interception. The kind of player who plays chess while everyone else plays draughts.

Nahuel Molina burns past his man with a sudden burst of acceleration, the defender is left standing. Lay-off from Nahuel Molina to Nuno Mendes in the heart of the box, the path to goal is clear. NOOOOO Nuno Mendes! The whole stadium had screamed goal after the pass from Rúben Dias, but he fires wide of the open net. Stunned silence. The game is crying out for a moment of magic, nothing's happening.

Massive clearance from Renato Veiga, just get the ball as far away as possible. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive. Gorgeous crossfield ball from Nuno Mendes to Rúben Dias, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow. Rúben Dias rises above his marker and wins the header! He got up higher than everyone.

Huge tackle from Nahuel Molina! Went through the back door and nicked the ball before the striker could get his shot away. Authoritative clearance from Nahuel Molina in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards. The opponent gets the better of Nuno Mendes in the aerial duel. Too small, too light, not high enough. It is cruel but that is football. HEAAAAADER from Renato Veiga! He launches himself at the cross from Nuno Mendes but it goes just over!

Enormous clearance from Rúben Dias inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it. Emiliano Martínez launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Renato Veiga after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. Header won by Renato Veiga, he makes it look effortless in the air. He is an aerial brick wall. Renato Veiga explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening.

Level at the final whistle. Emiliano Martínez and Nahuel Molina walk side by side toward the tunnel without a word. The rain is drizzling gently. A point isn't great, isn't disaster — just exactly what today was worth. The dressing room will be quiet. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Norman Pebbledash, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many kettles are boiling at any given moment in Britain?'. The answer was of course 27 million, and that number doubles during any form of national crisis or EastEnders cliffhanger. Norman wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

1-3 (L)

Nuno Mendes delivers a tidy ball to Rúben Dias, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. The UPRIGHT denies Rúben Dias! He drops to his knees, that was the perfect strike but the post decided otherwise. GOOOOOAL! Renato Veiga is 4 yards from the empty net, he just has to brush the ball. EASY GOAL but well taken!

GOAL for Rio Malandro FC! Their striker has slotted it home, nothing our keeper could do.

Emiliano Martínez falls to his knees in front of the family section, eyes shut, hands pressed together to the sky. Three seconds of silence in the stadium. Then Rúben Dias arrives and screams in his ear, and the whole thing explodes. Goosebumps.

The ball from Renato Veiga rips through the defensive curtain, Nahuel Molina is flying into the space like an arrow. SHOOOOT from Nahuel Molina... just wide! Shaves the post, so close to going in. The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. Foul by Rúben Dias, he had to make that challenge to stop the break. Tactical.

Free kick from Rúben Dias played as a cross, Nuno Mendes positions himself at the far post. Nuno Mendes connects with his forehead but it sails into the sky. The technique was there, the aim was not. Rúben Dias scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive. Huge aerial duel won by Nuno Mendes, he jumped so high he could have caught a passing plane.

GOAL for Rio Malandro FC! A sucker punch on the counter. We committed too many forward.

Rehearsed move all week: Emiliano Martínez and Nahuel Molina stage a Wild West duel, back to back, ten paces, turn, fire. Emiliano Martínez plays the corpse in the middle. The stadium wants an encore, they do it twice more before the ref cuts it off.

The gaffer pulls up the replay on his tablet and shoves it in Emiliano Martínez's face: "Look at that. A gap size of the Grand Canyon in our backline and you are ball-watching. BALL. WATCHING. What are you, a spectator?!" Emiliano Martínez takes it on the chin. There is nothing to say. The evidence is damning. Reports suggest that Rúben Dias once drove forty-five minutes in the wrong direction because he refused to use a sat-nav. Said it was 'cheating.' Eventually stopped at a Little Chef that had been closed since 2012. The man is 29 and proud of it. And now, our TV game show Strictly Come Complaining! To win a strongly-worded letter template, text 3789 and answer: 'What is the correct way to complain about a lukewarm cup of tea in a cafe?' The tunnel spits the players back onto the pitch one by one. Rúben Dias comes out with that walk. You know the one. Shoulders back, chest out. Something has clicked.

Lay-off from Nahuel Molina to Rúben Dias, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Smart pass from Rúben Dias into the hole for Renato Veiga, not to feet, into the run. That is proper football. Renato Veiga slides the ball across the ground in the box, Rúben Dias arrives for the finish.

GOAAAL for Rio Malandro FC! The keeper got a hand to it but couldn't keep it out.

Emiliano Martínez climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Nahuel Molina films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

We're into stoppage time, the tension ratchets up another notch. Renato Veiga picks up the ball, looks around, puts it down, picks it up again. Nervy stuff. The referee spots the foul by Renato Veiga, a push in the back on the opponent. Free kick from Renato Veiga looped in, the ball is dropped onto Nahuel Molina at the penalty spot. Nahuel Molina heads it and sends the ball skimming the crossbar. Over but it was nearly perfect.

Renato Veiga goes to war in the opposition half and comes back with the ball. Pressing is a battle, and Renato Veiga just won it. Delicious through ball from Renato Veiga, the ball slides in behind the centre-halves and Nuno Mendes is there to gobble it up. Stunning tackle by Nuno Mendes in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone.

Rúben Dias with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! Rúben Dias takes the ball at his feet and drives fifty yards on his own. It is one man against the world. Rúben Dias finds Renato Veiga in the dead zone between the full-back and the centre-half, pass into space, collected on the run. Pure class.

Nuno Mendes covers the ground in a few strides, leaving everyone behind him. What a run. Nuno Mendes slides the ball into space for Nahuel Molina, he is away down the middle. Nuno Mendes threads it through to Nahuel Molina, but the assistant referee has his flag raised. Offside.

Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll. Nahuel Molina keeps it short to Nuno Mendes, no frills, just good football intelligence. Nuno Mendes slides the ball along the ground for Rúben Dias, the keeper is stranded on this cut-back. SAVE from Emiliano Martínez! The attacker had a go but the keeper produced a MONUMENTAL hand.

Rúben Dias launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. Rúben Dias embarks on a solo raid, he picks it up on the halfway line and drives straight at goal. Rúben Dias gets tackled cleanly by the defender mid-dribble. Possession lost. What positioning from Nahuel Molina! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts.

Gutting. Emiliano Martínez throws his gloves at the bench in frustration. Nuno Mendes picks them up quietly and puts them in the bag. The gaffer waits for everyone to sit down before speaking. His voice is calm but his eyes tell a different story. Long coach ride home. Gerald from Bath says you simply tut loudly, stir aggressively, and leave a passive-aggressive TripAdvisor review. The letter template is his! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

1-1 (L)

What a block! Nahuel Molina slides in with impeccable timing and takes the ball away. That's defending at its finest. Nahuel Molina plays it into the channel for Nuno Mendes, the defensive line is split clean in two. That is pure filth. Nuno Mendes aims like a surgeon on the cross from Rúben Dias! Placed finish, the keeper has no chance, GOOOOAL!

Nahuel Molina stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Rúben Dias comes over and hugs him without a word.

Big clearance from Nahuel Molina under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line. Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill. Nahuel Molina finds Rúben Dias between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Rúben Dias catches the opponent on the ankle, referee blows immediately.

GOAAAL! Istanbul Cehennem FK score! That's a hammer blow, the fans are stunned into silence.

Emiliano Martínez mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Nahuel Molina raises Emiliano Martínez's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Emiliano Martínez plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

The free kick from Nahuel Molina is floated in, Rúben Dias makes his run to the back post. Emiliano Martínez comes off his six-yard line and gathers with both hands. The keeper is the boss of his zone. Emiliano Martínez catapults the ball towards Nahuel Molina from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot.

Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative. Rúben Dias clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. Emiliano Martínez lumps it long towards Nahuel Molina, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. Nahuel Molina tries to find Rúben Dias but it is nowhere near him. Sloppy stuff.

"Right, hands up, who thinks that was good enough?" The gaffer scans the room. Not a single hand goes up. Renato Veiga shifts uncomfortably on the bench. Rúben Dias picks at the tape on {his} wrist. "Exactly," says the boss. "Because it was not. We are better than this and every single one of you knows it." Club sources confirm Rúben Dias has a standing order at the local chippy for a large cod, chips, curry sauce, and a pickled egg every Friday without exception. At 29, the 186-tall star calls it 'essential recovery nutrition.' And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 8811 and answer this question: 'What is the shelf life of a broken promise in Scunthorpe?' Whistle. Ball. Movement. Rúben Dias is on it from the very first second, demanding the pass, pointing, shouting. The longest forty-five minutes of the evening start now.

Nuno Mendes dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution. Nuno Mendes turns the game on its head with one razor-sharp pass for Renato Veiga. The defence did not even have time to blink. GO ON Renato Veiga! He SHOOOOOTS, it's on target but the keeper punches it clear with both fists!

They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass. Nahuel Molina opens up the space for Nuno Mendes with a ground pass, the ball arrives perfectly in stride.

Short restart from Emiliano Martínez to Renato Veiga, building from the back nice and tidy. Renato Veiga intercepts the ball, he was a step ahead of everyone on the pitch. Good ball from Renato Veiga to Nuno Mendes, playing it quick between the lines.

Classy interception from Nuno Mendes, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time. Nuno Mendes delivers a tidy ball to Nahuel Molina, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Nahuel Molina tears into the opposition build-up, running everywhere, and ends up stealing the ball. That man is a guard dog. Nahuel Molina plays it simple to Nuno Mendes, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare. The opponent is bundled over by Rúben Dias. Not much in it, but the whistle goes. Rúben Dias picks up a booking for persistent fouling. Took long enough, frankly. Rúben Dias's free kick is stopped by the wall. The defenders jumped well. Quick throw from Emiliano Martínez to Nahuel Molina out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go.

Corner from Renato Veiga and Nuno Mendes rises for the header... over! He had the goal at his mercy. Short distribution from Emiliano Martínez to Rúben Dias, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. Turnover from Rúben Dias, the pass is read like a book by the opposition defence. High recovery from Rúben Dias who puts hellish pressure on the opposition midfielder. Possession changes in the blink of an eye. Rúben Dias has a go and it's on target but the keeper is equal to it. Good save.

Shared match. Renato Veiga walks past the cameras with his head down, no stopping tonight. Nuno Mendes does stop, and simply says: "We weren't clinical enough in the box. Full stop." Brutal honesty. The pundits will chew on that one tomorrow. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Gerald Musty-Carpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the shelf life of a broken promise in Scunthorpe?'. The answer was of course roughly six weeks, or until the next council election, whichever comes first. Gerald wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Coming up: 'Gogglebox, but the families are watching Gogglebox watching Gogglebox.' It's telly-ception. Nobody knows what's real anymore. The dog seems fine with it.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

2-3 (L)

Nightmare! Milano Piano-Piano score! That goal was coming, we've been under the cosh.

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Emiliano Martínez is at the centre, lifted up by Nuno Mendes and Emiliano Martínez, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. Milano Piano-Piano's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

Renato Veiga keeps possession and plays it short to Nuno Mendes, new option for Nuno Mendes to cause trouble. Nuno Mendes rolls it back across the turf, Nahuel Molina is lurking in the box, ready to pounce. Nahuel Molina is in the box like a VULTURE! On the deflected ball, he prods it in at point-blank range. GOAL!

They've broken like lightning, the keeper's the only man left to beat. Sublime through ball from Nahuel Molina for Renato Veiga who ghosts between the two centre-backs. The line is broken. LOB from Renato Veiga! GOAL! The keeper was three yards off his line, Renato Veiga spotted it and sent a CHIPPED ball that sails over him and drops into the net. GENIUS awareness!

Emiliano Martínez goes long for Renato Veiga, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Renato Veiga pings a ridiculous diagonal to Nahuel Molina. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Cross from the right by Nahuel Molina, the ball sails over everyone and drops towards Nuno Mendes at the back post. The cross from Nuno Mendes is blocked by a defender, the defence has done its job.

It's there! Milano Piano-Piano hit the back of the net. Our goalkeeper was rooted to the spot.

Emiliano Martínez scans the family section, finds them, blows kisses with both hands. His kids are crying on their mum's shoulder. Nuno Mendes is already there for the instagram shot. Scenes that make you remember why you fell for this game.

The gaffer changes everything. Formation, personnel, instructions. Renato Veiga gets shifted. Rúben Dias drops deeper. "What we did in the first half never happened, right? We delete it, we burn it, we start fresh." The players listen in grim silence. The second half is a rescue mission now and everyone knows it. Nuno Mendes turned up to a school reunion in full kit and boots, apparently misreading the invitation. The 24-year-old spent the evening doing keepy-uppies in the car park while everyone else had a carvery. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 9911 and answer this question: 'How many custard creams can a standard British sigh carry?' Rúben Dias is the last one out of the tunnel, laces done up tight, sleeves rolled up proper. The look on {his} face says everything. Let us get on with it.

Nahuel Molina plays it simple to Nuno Mendes, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Nuno Mendes tries a crossfield ball to Rúben Dias but it is miles too long, the ball sails out. Nothing to salvage. Nuno Mendes cleans up with a magnificent sliding tackle, wins possession, and plays it forward. That's the complete defensive action.

Oh that's poor! Milano Piano-Piano score from a set piece. We switched off completely.

Pass, pass, pass, back to the keeper... same old script. Renato Veiga attempts a cross but it is badly weighted, the keeper claims with no pressure. The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. Lovely use of the ball by Renato Veiga, finding Nahuel Molina in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Nahuel Molina gives it to Rúben Dias into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision.

Nahuel Molina overlaps on the wing with frightening ease, the defender is made to look silly. That is a shocking dive from Nahuel Molina. He should be ashamed of himself. Nahuel Molina takes a yellow for simulation, his acting career ends right here on the pitch. The free kick from Nahuel Molina is sent to the near post, Rúben Dias rushes in to meet it.

Blistering transition, defence caught cold and carved wide open. Renato Veiga strikes and it thuds off the post! The sound echoes around the stadium, the keeper was frozen. Emiliano Martínez boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Nuno Mendes! Long ball that catches everyone off guard.

Renato Veiga clears in a panic off his weaker foot, it is not clean but it is out. The important thing is the ball is miles away. Emiliano Martínez sparks the transition with a quick throw to Renato Veiga, the break is lightning fast. Commanding header from Renato Veiga who wins his aerial duel. The opponent tried to barge him but Renato Veiga did not budge an inch. Renato Veiga hits the afterburners and flies past his defender, that is blistering pace.

GOAL! No wait... the flag is up! Nahuel Molina was offside from Renato Veiga's pass, it's been chalked off! Video review underway, players catching their breath, supporters on the edge of their seats. Incredible tension. The video assistant spots the offside — Nuno Mendes was ahead of play! Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways.

Massive diagonal from Rúben Dias! Nuno Mendes receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards. Underhit ball from Nuno Mendes, the pass is too soft and an opponent nicks it. Inch-perfect tackle by Nuno Mendes, he's taken the ball cleanly and snuffed out the attack. Brilliant defending. With one swing of the boot, Nuno Mendes finds Renato Veiga on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. Renato Veiga lofts a cross into the box, Nahuel Molina is there, sandwiched between two defenders, ready to pounce.

Full time. Emiliano Martínez applauds the home fans with genuine gratitude — they never booed, not once. Nuno Mendes joins the clap. A few supporters lean over and say encouraging things. "Keep going, lads." It helps, a bit. The walk to the tunnel is the longest forty yards in football. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Nigel Bottomsworth-Crumpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many custard creams can a standard British sigh carry?'. The answer was of course up to nine, though anything past six risks structural sigh failure. Nigel wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-0 (W)

What a SHAMBLES in the box after Rúben Dias's corner! Bodies everywhere, somehow the defense holds! GOOOAL! Rúben Dias pops up at the back post, the keeper was on the floor, he toes the ball in. GOOOAL!

Instinctive clearance from Nuno Mendes who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day. Renato Veiga looks up and launches a long pass towards Nuno Mendes. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky.

Nuno Mendes embarks on a mazy solo run from his own half, he beats one, two, three opponents. Ball into space from Nuno Mendes, Rúben Dias just has to run onto it and collect. Simple and genius. Rúben Dias strays offside by half a boot on Nuno Mendes's pass, brutal decision! Emiliano Martínez plays it along the ground to Nuno Mendes, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too.

Nuno Mendes threads the needle between the two centre-backs, Renato Veiga bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. Renato Veiga goes for it and fires! Wide, just to the left of goal. Not far off at all. Emiliano Martínez plays out from the back with Rúben Dias, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. Long ball from Rúben Dias to Nahuel Molina, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. What a leap from Nahuel Molina! He rises above the lot and wins the header with royal composure.

The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded. Firm pass from Nuno Mendes into Rúben Dias, right into the boots. No waste. Rúben Dias gets down the left and pulls it back low, Nuno Mendes is stationed on the penalty spot. Emiliano Martínez tips the shot around the post! Strong hand, cat-like reflexes, absolutely MASSIVE.

Pie and Bovril vibes in the dressing room. The gaffer has drawn one arrow on the whiteboard and written underneath it: "Same again." Nahuel Molina is leaning back with {his} feet up, 175 cm of pure relaxation. Rúben Dias is refuelling on jelly babies. Life is good when the scoreboard is in your favour. Now Nuno Mendes — bless him — once showed up to pre-season training with a sunburn so severe he looked like a Drumstick lolly. Spent one afternoon in Margate without suncream. At 183, there's a lot of surface area to burn, in fairness. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 2626 and answer this question: 'How many bus stops are there between disappointment and Scunthorpe?' The referee blows the whistle and the second half kicks off. Rúben Dias takes the ball immediately and drives forward. No messing about.

Monster clearance from Emiliano Martínez, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Nuno Mendes. Nuno Mendes launches it to Renato Veiga on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Aerial duel won by Renato Veiga, he absolutely dominates in the air against the defender.

The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. Late challenge from Renato Veiga, catches the opponent after the ball's gone. Free kick given.

Nuno Mendes sends an aerial beauty to Renato Veiga, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile. Renato Veiga unleashes a strike that is stopped dead by the defender. He put everything into that block.

Emiliano Martínez sends an absolute rocket towards Renato Veiga, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch. Renato Veiga gives it to Rúben Dias into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent.

Quick transition, three touches and they're through on goal, but the finish lets them down. Nuno Mendes picks it up and goes coast to coast like a man possessed. Nobody is stopping him. CRAAACKER from Nuno Mendes outside the box! Grazes the post and goes out for a goal kick. So close... Massive punt from Emiliano Martínez, sends the ball sixty yards, Nahuel Molina is scrapping for it up top. Phenomenal leap from Nahuel Molina who wins the header without any contest whatsoever. The opponent does not exist in the air against him.

The whistle blows and Emiliano Martínez lets out a breath he's been holding for ninety minutes. Nuno Mendes claps him on the back: "Told you we'd do 'em." The gaffer's already planning the next match, but tonight? Tonight belongs to the lads. And the pub. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Ethel Dripsworth, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many bus stops are there between disappointment and Scunthorpe?'. The answer was of course none, they're the same stop, the bus just goes round twice for dramatic effect. Ethel wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-2 (L)

The bench is screaming, the fans roaring, one last massive push. Emiliano Martínez in the penalty area, arms out wide, calling for the ball. GOOOAL! Nuno Mendes climbs to perfection on the cross from Nahuel Molina and propels the ball into the net. The keeper beaten by an imperial header!

Emiliano Martínez legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Rúben Dias tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Enormous run from Rúben Dias to get back! Cuts across the attacker's path and blocks the shot. Heroic. Rúben Dias reaches out and drags back the opponent by the collar. Blatant but necessary. Rúben Dias is booked after dragging back the opponent by the collar. Blatant but effective. The wall stops Rúben Dias's free kick! The defenders didn't budge, solid as a rock. Nahuel Molina whips the inswinging corner in but a defender cuts out the cross at the front post.

Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. Burst of pace from Renato Veiga on the wing, the full-back cannot live with that speed. Renato Veiga chips a cross over everyone, Rúben Dias finds himself alone behind the defence. IMPECCABLE aerial command from Emiliano Martínez! He clears house, the ball is in his gloves. Emiliano Martínez boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Rúben Dias! Long ball that catches everyone off guard.

Rúben Dias shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for Nahuel Molina. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces. Nahuel Molina is flagged offside, frustrating for Nuno Mendes who played a lovely ball through. Emiliano Martínez takes his time and plays it short to Rúben Dias. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. Rúben Dias swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Renato Veiga, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision.

Oh no, München Ordnung-Muss-Sein have scored from the spot! Cool as you like into the corner.

'I told you so' mode. Emiliano Martínez eyeballs the München Ordnung-Muss-Sein bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Nahuel Molina pulls Emiliano Martínez away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

The gaffer boots the door open and launches a water bottle across the dressing room. It explodes against the far wall and nobody flinches because they all know they deserve it. "What the bloody hell was that?!" he roars. Emiliano Martínez stares at the floor. Renato Veiga cannot even look up. Absolute shambles. A completely made-up study from the University of Wolverhampton claims Emiliano Martínez's left foot generates more power than a Ford Transit. At 195 and 34 years old, the data is apparently 'peer-reviewed by Dave from accounts.' And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 4455 and answer this question: 'Which colour was banned from Milton Keynes in 1987?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Nahuel Molina is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Emiliano Martínez launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Nuno Mendes after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. Quick one-two between Nuno Mendes and Renato Veiga, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Renato Veiga rolls it to Nuno Mendes, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Nuno Mendes puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins. Nuno Mendes sends in a classic cross, it arrives on Renato Veiga in the thick of it.

Wing switch from Rúben Dias, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Renato Veiga brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Renato Veiga charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible. Renato Veiga slides it to Rúben Dias, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Sideways ball from Rúben Dias to Renato Veiga, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Flash wall from Nahuel Molina for Renato Veiga who had started the run before even passing the ball. Insane anticipation.

Sideways ball from Renato Veiga to Nuno Mendes, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. The midfielders are enjoying their little triangles but what's the point? WIIIIIDE! Nuno Mendes put plenty on it but the ball slides just past the frame of the goal.

Corner from Nahuel Molina, Rúben Dias heads it with a diving effort but it goes over the bar. Shame. Tidy restart from Emiliano Martínez along the deck to Nuno Mendes, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Acceleration from Nuno Mendes down the side, he takes the space behind the full-back. It is a motorway. Nuno Mendes goes to the byline and fires a low ball back, Renato Veiga is unmarked at the far post.

Oh dear oh dear! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein score and the dugout is fuming. Rightly so.

Emiliano Martínez and Nuno Mendes do the rehearsed move from the last party: imaginary top hat lift, military salute, spin. Flawless. Emiliano Martínez arrives late, misses his cue, flubs it spectacularly. The crowd in bits.

Rúben Dias gives it to Renato Veiga, sprints, asks for it back, and gets it. The classic one-two but absolutely lethal. Rúben Dias shakes off the defender with a sharp cut, the path is clear. Firm pass from Rúben Dias into Renato Veiga, right into the boots. No waste. Powerful run from Renato Veiga down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there.

Renato Veiga anticipates the lofted pass and intercepts with his chest. Total control, maximum game intelligence. Renato Veiga changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Nuno Mendes. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Nuno Mendes gives it straight to the opposition, completely misplaced pass. The pressure is building. The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. Nahuel Molina spots the gap and sends Renato Veiga into it with a perfectly weighted pass. The channel is wide open.

Emiliano Martínez is first into the dressing room, boots off before the door even shuts. He sits in front of his locker and doesn't move for five solid minutes. Nuno Mendes sits three spaces down, equally silent. The manager lets the quiet do the talking before his debrief. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Trevor Mildew-Parsnip, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which colour was banned from Milton Keynes in 1987?'. The answer was of course mauve, after a council vote determined it was too exciting for a town built entirely of roundabouts. Trevor wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

1-1 (L)

Enormous anticipation from Rúben Dias who intercepts and kills the opposition attack stone dead. The pressing has paid off. Rúben Dias embarks on a breathtaking run, stringing together dribbles and bursts of pace. OHHH the GOAL from Rúben Dias! On the gift from Renato Veiga, he opens up his foot and sends the ball to the far post. SUMPTUOUS!

Emiliano Martínez sends an absolute rocket towards Renato Veiga, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch. Renato Veiga triggers a change of flanks for Nuno Mendes, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Overlap on the left from Nuno Mendes, floated cross towards Renato Veiga who rises highest at the far post. Renato Veiga tries a powerful cross but the defender is there and blocks everything.

They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. Nuno Mendes catches everyone off guard with a solo burst, he is unstoppable. Ghost tackle from Nuno Mendes, dives at a shadow while the actual ball carrier wanders past on the other side. There goes Rúben Dias — red card for a last-man foul on the attacker racing towards goal. Calculated risk.

Stunning one-two between Rúben Dias and Renato Veiga, the defender has been wiped out without anyone touching him. Top drawer. The referee pulls play back for a foul by Rúben Dias. Held the opponent back by the arm. Rúben Dias finally gets the card he's been asking for. Too many fouls to ignore.

The crowd can sense it, something's about to give. Cross from Nuno Mendes, he puts it on the far post for Rúben Dias. Aerial duel won by Rúben Dias in his own box. He took the lift to the top floor and cleaned up everything.

The gaffer grabs a marker and circles a spot on the tactics board: "This space here. Between their centre-back and full-back. That is where we win this match." He turns to Emiliano Martínez: "You find that pocket, you receive, you go. No messing about. Nuno Mendes, you make the run to drag the defender." Nods all round. Researchers at the entirely fictional Loughborough Institute of Pace claim Rúben Dias once outran a mobility scooter in Blackpool. At 186 and 29 years old, the data was described as 'statistically irrelevant but spiritually important.' And now, our TV game show The Price Is Outrageous! To win a Freddo at its current price, text 0800FREDDO and answer: 'In what year did a Freddo cost ten pence and all was right with the world?' They are back. Nahuel Molina salutes the travelling fans with a raised fist before taking {his} spot. The faithful respond in kind. Second half. Bring it on.

Nuno Mendes delivers an inswinging free kick, Rúben Dias at the back post tries to get on the end of it. Corner from Rúben Dias and it's absolute CARNAGE in the box, the defense hacks it clear! Nuno Mendes lets rip but a defender sacrifices himself and takes the shot full in the face. Warrior. Lifesaving clearance from Rúben Dias! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters.

GOAAAL for London Three-Pints! What a howler at the back, that's been gifted to them.

Emiliano Martínez spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Rúben Dias gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Corner from Rúben Dias and a header from Nahuel Molina, it grazes the bar but goes over. Ooh so close! Nahuel Molina hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper. Nuno Mendes sends an aerial beauty to Renato Veiga, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile.

Absolute PANDEMONIUM after Renato Veiga's corner! Three shots blocked, the defense is under siege! Renato Veiga launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out. Nuno Mendes jumps too early and comes back down before the ball arrives, the opponent profits and wins the duel.

Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. Renato Veiga anticipates the run from Rúben Dias and fires a low missile in behind the defence. Perfect connection. Marginal offside called on Rúben Dias, Nuno Mendes's through ball cut the defence open perfectly. Everything hangs in the balance, VAR replaying it in slow motion. The stadium is petrified.

Rúben Dias accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides. The referee points to the penalty spot! Rúben Dias has been wrestled to the ground in the box by the defender. CLEAR decision, it is a penalty and this changes EVERYTHING! IT'S MISSED! Rúben Dias sends his penalty wide of the frame. The pressure has done its job.

Stalemate at home. Rúben Dias and Renato Veiga embrace, more habit than joy. The fans file out quietly, a few clap anyway. The stadium announcer tries a "Come on you lot" chant — it's thin. Time to go home. Little Gemma from Kettering says it was 2002 and she wants those days back. One Freddo at current market rates for Gemma! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.