My dream football team — football_team 🇬🇧

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-0 (W)

The ref blows up! Alexander Isak's shot is blocked by an arm in the box. Penalty, and you can't argue with that one. GOOOOAL from Ben Doak! ICE COLD penalty, he places it left, the keeper goes right. Total composure!

Alexander Isak climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Ben Doak films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Trent Alexander-Arnold intercepts the ball, he was a step ahead of everyone on the pitch. Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. WIIIIIDE! Rio Ngumoha put plenty on it but the ball slides just past the frame of the goal.

Jan Paul van Hecke jumps too early and comes back down before the ball arrives, the opponent profits and wins the duel. Caoimhín Kelleher parries it back into the middle, that is dangerous! Jan Paul van Hecke launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty.

Dean Huijsen throws himself into the passing lane and comes away with the ball. Phenomenal reading of the game. Short build-up from Dean Huijsen to Rio Ngumoha, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Rio Ngumoha sends the defender the wrong way with a stepover, that is technically brutal. Rio Ngumoha fires a powerful cross into the danger zone, Dominik Szoboszlai throws himself at it. It is heating up in the box. Header from Dominik Szoboszlai, it flies just past the post, he had to hit the target there.

Caoimhín Kelleher sparks the transition with a quick throw to Rio Ngumoha, the break is lightning fast. Rio Ngumoha launches himself and thumps a dominant header on the cross. The opponent was still on the ground while Rio Ngumoha was flying. Lightning overlap from Rio Ngumoha, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides. Perfect pull-back from Rio Ngumoha, Ben Doak receives it facing goal inside the area. Dream scenario. Caoimhín Kelleher palms the ball away with a firm hand. Corner. The attacker cannot believe it.

The physio announces the GPS stats: "Caoimhín Kelleher has covered seven kilometres already." Dominik Szoboszlai shouts: "That is because {he} has been chasing their winger all half!" Caoimhín Kelleher fires back: "At least I caught him, unlike you last week." Laughter all round. The gaffer taps the board. "Focus, lads. Same energy second half." Here's one for the ages — Caoimhín Kelleher is the reigning champion of the dressing room biscuit dunking competition. His record is a full eleven-second dunk with a digestive. No breakage. At 188, his hand-to-mug coordination is genuinely world class. And now, our TV game show Only Fools and Quizzes! To win a genuine Reliant Robin air freshener, text 3678 and answer: 'In which year did Del Boy last say this time next year we will be millionaires and actually mean it?' The tunnel spits the players back onto the pitch one by one. Caoimhín Kelleher comes out with that walk. You know the one. Shoulders back, chest out. Something has clicked.

Hugo Ekitike goes all in with the tackle but comes away with nothing but thin air. Caoimhín Kelleher parries it weakly into the middle, the attacker is a whisker from opening the scoring! Trent Alexander-Arnold clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched.

Milos Kerkez with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! Milos Kerkez to Alexander Isak, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages. Pass, pass, pass, back to the keeper... same old script.

The bench is screaming, the fans roaring, one last massive push. The keeper is up, Caoimhín Kelleher getting ready to meet the corner with his head. Jan Paul van Hecke wins his duel in the air and heads it down for Dean Huijsen. Aerial dominance in the service of the team. Jan Paul van Hecke links up with Hugo Ekitike, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up.

The corner from Dominik Szoboszlai is snuffed out by the defence, a defender clears at the near post. Milos Kerkez clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep.

Monster clearance from Jan Paul van Hecke! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. Rolling forward like a freight train, the opposition are hanging on. Rio Ngumoha curls a cross to the near post, Milos Kerkez is lurking in the box.

GET IN THERE! Caoimhín Kelleher slides on his knees across the wet turf, Dean Huijsen piles on top, and suddenly half the squad is in a heap. The physio's already panicking about someone's hamstring. Paris Saint-Glinglin can only watch. That's what it means to this lot. Terry from Peckham says Del Boy has never once meant it and that's the beauty of it all. Enjoy the Reliant Robin air freshener, Terry! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

2-1 (W)

Concrete low block, even set pieces aren't getting through. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. Dominik Szoboszlai winds up and SMASHES it! The ball flies like a rocket and ends up smack in the goal. INCREDIBLE!

Dominik Szoboszlai does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Ben Doak launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Caoimhín Kelleher arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

Rio Ngumoha sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. Rio Ngumoha dinks his cross over the centre-halves, Milos Kerkez arrives at full pace behind them. GOOOOAL! Milos Kerkez places his header from the cross by Alexander Isak, immaculate!

Sideways, backwards, sideways again, the crowd is getting restless. The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. Trent Alexander-Arnold sends an aerial beauty to Ben Doak, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile.

Delicious through ball from Hugo Ekitike, the ball slides in behind the centre-halves and Ben Doak is there to gobble it up. Ben Doak drifts just offside as Hugo Ekitike plays the pass, the flag goes up. Agonising! A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent. Good ball from Jan Paul van Hecke to Trent Alexander-Arnold, playing it quick between the lines.

Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. Dominik Szoboszlai threads the needle between the two centre-backs, Ben Doak bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. OHHH what a strike from Ben Doak! On target, thundering towards goal but the keeper stands firm. Huge save. Ben Doak takes the corner but the opposition defence is well organized, cleared.

Milos Kerkez is planning the celebration already. "If I score in the second half, I am doing the knee slide right in front of their lot," {he} tells Dean Huijsen, who replies: "Last time you tried that you pulled your hamstring." The dressing room erupts. The gaffer shakes his head. "Just score the goal, we will worry about the celebration later." In a baffling move, Dean Huijsen adopted a tortoise named Gary Lineker. At 21, the footballer insists Gary brings calm to the household, despite the tortoise doing absolutely nothing at all times. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 3737 and answer this question: 'What is the pH level of a Greggs steak bake?' And we are back underway! Hugo Ekitike jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

Perfectly executed challenge by Milos Kerkez, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb. Phenomenal run from Milos Kerkez, he cuts through the midfield like a hot knife through butter.

Intelligent short corner from Ryan Gravenberch to Milos Kerkez, they refuse the aerial cross. Perfect cut-back from Milos Kerkez, Ben Doak receives it on the deck in acres of space. Dream scenario. NOOOOO Ben Doak! The goal was empty, Jan Paul van Hecke puts it on his foot and he blazes it over the bar! A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all.

What a block! Jan Paul van Hecke slides in with impeccable timing and takes the ball away. That's defending at its finest. Jan Paul van Hecke slides a beauty through the gap, Ben Doak is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. Ben Doak goes for it and fires! Wide, just to the left of goal. Not far off at all. We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough.

Absolutely dreadful! México No-Era-Penal score and we have only ourselves to blame.

Caoimhín Kelleher runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Trent Alexander-Arnold joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. Jan Paul van Hecke puts Ben Doak into orbit with a laser-guided through ball. The kind of pass that lifts an entire stadium to its feet. Ben Doak wants to find Dominik Szoboszlai between the lines but the weight is all wrong. Intercepted.

Free kick played short, Rio Ngumoha to Ben Doak, they bypass the wall with the combination. Ben Doak shifts it to Hugo Ekitike with a short pass, threading it between two defenders.

What a performance! Milos Kerkez exchanges jerseys with the México No-Era-Penal skipper — firm handshake, quiet word, respect between competitors. Then he turns and unleashes a primal scream at the sky. Caoimhín Kelleher just laughs. "He does that every time we win," he tells the camera. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Colin Flannel-Trousers, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the pH level of a Greggs steak bake?'. The answer was of course off the scale entirely, scientists refuse to measure it on moral grounds. Colin wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

3-2 (W)

Oh no, Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score! Their forward was left completely unmarked, schoolboy defending.

Caoimhín Kelleher legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Rio Ngumoha tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Rio Ngumoha presses high and the defender loses the ball under pressure. It is simple, it is effective, it is intensity football. Sharp cut inside from Rio Ngumoha, the defender is left rooted to the spot. That is nasty. GOOOOAL from Rio Ngumoha! On the inswinging cross from Ben Doak, he places his shot along the ground and the ball is in!

Perfect back flip from Rio Ngumoha right in front of the home end, five-star landing. Jan Paul van Hecke tries the same behind him, lands flat on his arse, the whole squad doubled over laughing. Even Caoimhín Kelleher has made it up, hands on knees, breathless. Proper scenes.

Clinical interception from Milos Kerkez, he cuts out the pass between the opposition lines and breaks forward on the counter. The crowd loves it, and rightly so. Key pass from Milos Kerkez! It fizzes between the lines and Dean Huijsen collects on the run, the defence is left for dead. GOOOAL! Dean Huijsen sneaks in front of the keeper and diverts the ball with the tip of his boot. No keeper can do better!

Milos Kerkez rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Jan Paul van Hecke jumps on his back, Caoimhín Kelleher is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

They've done it! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Caoimhín Kelleher points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. Jan Paul van Hecke comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

Every player defending like their life depends on it, the block stands firm. Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. GOOOOOAL! Alexander Isak places it inside the post from the cross by Rio Ngumoha, the keeper was well positioned but had no chance!

Alexander Isak mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Dominik Szoboszlai plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Caoimhín Kelleher plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

Dominik Szoboszlai is telling anyone who will listen about the nutmeg {he} put on their centre-half. "Did you see his face? Mate, he looked like he had seen a ghost!" Alexander Isak adds: "The poor lad is probably still turning." The gaffer lets the banter flow. Happy dressing room, happy results. Roommates on away trips confirm Milos Kerkez sleepwalks to the hotel minibar and eats all the Pringles unconsciously. At 23, the lad has no memory of it and denies the crumb evidence every single time. And now, our TV game show Homes Under the Hammer Price! To win a doorknob from a house that needed a lot of work, text 0800FIXER and answer: 'What does a lot of potential mean in estate agent language?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Dominik Szoboszlai high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

Last roll of the dice, legs are gone but the belief is still there. Right-footed cross from Rio Ngumoha, the ball bends beautifully into the box and seeks out Ben Doak. Ben Doak crosses too far from the target, the ball drifts towards the opposite touchline. Authoritative clearance from Trent Alexander-Arnold in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards.

The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. Clumsy challenge from Rio Ngumoha, stands on the opponent's foot. Unintentional but still a foul. Rio Ngumoha pretends to strike and lays it off to Ben Doak, well worked short free kick. Ben Doak takes on his man with a sharp turn, one touch and it is done. Clean. JUST WIIIIIDE from Ben Doak! Right idea but it slides past the far post by inches.

Crunching tackle by Trent Alexander-Arnold on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it. Trent Alexander-Arnold picks out Dean Huijsen with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Dean Huijsen eliminates his opponent with a short piece of skill, absolutely surgical. Dean Huijsen pulls the opponent back as he tries to break. Cynical but necessary. Dean Huijsen finally goes into the book. Third foul, the ref had enough of it.

Intense pressing, the defender panics and lumps it anywhere. Lovely interception from Dean Huijsen, he anticipated the movement and cut off the pass before it reached its target. Dean Huijsen opens up to Milos Kerkez on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Textbook tackle from Milos Kerkez there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted.

Tackle miles off from Hugo Ekitike, absolutely done in by the attacker's quick feet. Caoimhín Kelleher grazes the leather with his fingertips and turns it over! World class goalkeeping. The corner from Milos Kerkez is met by a defender who volleys it out for a throw-in.

Quick exchange between Trent Alexander-Arnold and Alexander Isak, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Alexander Isak spots the gap and sends Rio Ngumoha into it with a perfectly weighted pass. The channel is wide open. Rio Ngumoha sets it for Trent Alexander-Arnold, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Trent Alexander-Arnold slips Dean Huijsen in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever.

Milos Kerkez lights the fuse with a cutting pass for Dean Huijsen down the channel. The defence is caught cold, it is over for them. Flag up! Dean Huijsen was beyond the last man when Trent Alexander-Arnold released the pass. Hugo Ekitike scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive.

It's over and we've won it! Dominik Szoboszlai grabs the corner flag and plants it at the centre spot like he's claiming new territory. Ben Doak pretends to salute. The fans are in absolute stitches. The manager pretends to be annoyed but you can see him smirking. Top, top scenes. Pauline from Wakefield says a lot of potential means the roof is missing and there may be foxes living in the bathroom. Doorknob for Pauline! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

2-1 (W)

Beautiful distribution from Caoimhín Kelleher to Trent Alexander-Arnold, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. The opponent beats Trent Alexander-Arnold to the near post and wins the header. Trent Alexander-Arnold was caught on his heels. What a DOWNWARD header from Jan Paul van Hecke! Sumptuous header on the cross from Alexander Isak, the ball dies in the bottom corner. GOAL!

Caoimhín Kelleher stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Dean Huijsen comes over and hugs him without a word.

Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Ben Doak reads the movement from Rio Ngumoha and puts the ball right into the pocket of space. Game intelligence off the charts. OHHH the GOAL from Rio Ngumoha! On the gift from Alexander Isak, he opens up his foot and sends the ball to the far post. SUMPTUOUS!

Ben Doak stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Milos Kerkez follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Caoimhín Kelleher plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end. Rio Ngumoha shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for Ben Doak. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces. Ben Doak looks for Trent Alexander-Arnold but the pass is way too long, that is going out for a throw-in.

Rapid break, the defenders are still trying to find their marks. Ryan Gravenberch hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust. Ryan Gravenberch loses the ball trying to dribble, the defender was the smarter of the two. Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered.

It's a goal for Dakar Teranga FC! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

The gaffer strolls into the dressing room with a grin wider than the Stretford End. Ben Doak is sprawled on the bench like {he} just won the pools. "More of the same, lads, more of the same," says the boss, tapping the tactics board once for emphasis. Someone chucks a towel at Hugo Ekitike and the whole room erupts. Proper buzzing in here. We can confirm that Caoimhín Kelleher owns a caravan called 'The Palace' which is parked permanently in a field near Whitby. It has no running water, a portable telly, and a signed photo of Peter Crouch. At 188, he can barely stand up inside it. And now, our TV game show Tipping Pointless! To win a B&Q gift card worth exactly one paintbrush, text 0800DIY and answer: 'How many trips to B&Q does it take to finish a single shelf?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Milos Kerkez leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Ryan Gravenberch launches it to Rio Ngumoha on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality. What a ball from Trent Alexander-Arnold! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and Ben Doak is away on his own. That is velvet. Ben Doak bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket.

Hugo Ekitike triggers a change of flanks for Ben Doak, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Aerial duel won by Ben Doak, he outmuscles his opponent in the air. Aerial power is his bread and butter. Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end. SHOOOOOT from Hugo Ekitike, it's heading for the corner but the keeper gets across and tips it wide!

Free kick from Dominik Szoboszlai played as a cross, Rio Ngumoha positions himself at the far post. Aerial duel lost by Rio Ngumoha, he misjudged the flight of the ball and the opponent pounced. COLOSSAL save from Caoimhín Kelleher! The keeper reacted in a split second on that thunderbolt.

Rapid combination: Alexander Isak to Ryan Gravenberch, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Ryan Gravenberch spreads the play and finds Dominik Szoboszlai in a motorway on the left flank. The defence is stretched thin. Dominik Szoboszlai plays it simple to Ben Doak, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Ben Doak puts it right into the feet of Alexander Isak, one touch and away. Silky stuff.

Dominik Szoboszlai spreads it to Dean Huijsen, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Dean Huijsen tries the power drive and BOOOOM! On target but the keeper gets down and blocks. Saved! Corner from Dean Huijsen, good delivery but the defence reads it well and clears.

Caoimhín Kelleher launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Trent Alexander-Arnold after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. One touch football: Trent Alexander-Arnold to Alexander Isak, faster than the opposition can think. Alexander Isak gifts Milos Kerkez a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal.

Get in! Trent Alexander-Arnold and Dominik Szoboszlai do the customary shirt swap with a couple of Dakar Teranga FC players — handshakes, mutual respect, the lot. Then Trent Alexander-Arnold turns to the home end and cups his ears. The roar nearly takes the roof off. Pub's gonna be lively tonight. Steve from Sunderland says at least seven trips and that's before you realize you bought the wrong screws. The gift card is his! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

2-2 (L)

Blistering solo run from Alexander Isak, he covers sixty yards on his own, beating three defenders. PENALTY for Alexander Isak! He enters the box, the defender brings him down and the referee points to the spot! No DOUBT about it, it is a penalty. The pressure is ENORMOUS. GOOOAL! Alexander Isak sends the penalty in with a POWERFUL and PRECISE strike! The keeper was beaten. CONVERTED!

Alexander Isak legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Hugo Ekitike tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Ball recovered and they've gone from end to end in the blink of an eye. Ben Doak finds the gap and serves Hugo Ekitike in behind the last man. That is three-cushion snooker, that is. Delicate lob from Hugo Ekitike, the ball floats over the keeper and dies in the back of the net. ABSOLUTE class, that is Panenka in open play.

Rio Ngumoha does not fancy the shot and goes short to Trent Alexander-Arnold, trying to disorganise the defence. Trent Alexander-Arnold beats his man with a sharp outside cut, the skill is absolutely effortless. Trent Alexander-Arnold rolls it to Alexander Isak, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. The one-two between Alexander Isak and Ryan Gravenberch blows the defensive block apart. Give, run, return, done. Clinical.

Oh it's gone in! Douala Makossa-Corner find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

'I told you so' mode. Caoimhín Kelleher eyeballs the Douala Makossa-Corner bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Ben Doak pulls Caoimhín Kelleher away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking. Dominik Szoboszlai takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race. Lob from Dominik Szoboszlai over the entire defence, Milos Kerkez finds himself in acres of space. Everything is on. Lovely take from Caoimhín Kelleher! He comes off his line and claims the cross, clean as a whistle. Short restart from Caoimhín Kelleher to Trent Alexander-Arnold, building from the back nice and tidy.

Tactical debate in the corner. Dean Huijsen wants to push higher. Alexander Isak reckons they will get done on the counter. The gaffer listens to both, arms folded, then makes the call: "We push up. Alexander Isak, you cover. If they break, you are the last man. No arguments." The room goes quiet. Orders received. A cracking detail — Dean Huijsen, standing at 197, once tried to fix a leaky tap in the dressing room and flooded the entire physio area. He blamed the water pressure, which is the most British excuse anyone has ever given for anything. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 9494 and answer this question: 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Dominik Szoboszlai is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Dominik Szoboszlai delivers a tidy ball to Hugo Ekitike, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Strike from Hugo Ekitike that thuds into the defensive wall. The defender threw himself in without fear. Dean Huijsen sends the corner in but a defender gets there first and heads it out for a throw. Jan Paul van Hecke absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime.

Firm pass from Alexander Isak into Dean Huijsen, right into the boots. No waste. Dean Huijsen turns the game on its head with one razor-sharp pass for Jan Paul van Hecke. The defence did not even have time to blink. Offside against Jan Paul van Hecke! But that is so tight it's almost criminal! Rio Ngumoha is beside himself. Tidy restart from Caoimhín Kelleher along the deck to Dean Huijsen, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Dean Huijsen shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class.

Ben Doak chips his cross over the back line, Trent Alexander-Arnold is at the far post, free as a bird. Trent Alexander-Arnold goes for goal of the season with the volley and it flies over. The stadium applauds anyway, that was special. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions.

Hugo Ekitike finds Trent Alexander-Arnold between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Trent Alexander-Arnold switches the play to Dean Huijsen on the far side, superb crossfield ball! Dean Huijsen dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution. Dean Huijsen goes into bullet-train mode and drives the length of the pitch. That is breathtaking.

Intense pressing from Ben Doak, he wins the ball back thirty yards from goal. Ben Doak shakes off the defender with a sharp cut, the path is clear. SHOOOOT from Ben Doak... just wide! Shaves the post, so close to going in.

GOAL! Douala Makossa-Corner have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

'I told you so' mode. Caoimhín Kelleher eyeballs the Douala Makossa-Corner bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Ben Doak pulls Caoimhín Kelleher away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

That is a tackle of the highest order from Milos Kerkez. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic. What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. What a hit from Alexander Isak! Absolute ROCKEEEET, on target but the keeper somehow claws it away!

Draw. Alexander Isak takes the time to shake every Douala Makossa-Corner player's hand, one by one — old habit, old manners. Hugo Ekitike follows suit. The screens show the stats: possession 50, shots on target 4 each. Perfect mirror. Neither side deserved more. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?'. The answer was of course 900 degrees Celsius, which is why the British stare at the floor numbers with such intensity. Maureen wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

2-2 (L)

Alexander Isak plays the simple ball to Jan Paul van Hecke, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Jan Paul van Hecke pulls it back along the ground for Alexander Isak, that is the perfect cut-back! GOOOOOAL for Alexander Isak! On the genius pass from Dominik Szoboszlai, he beats the keeper with a placed finish, MAGNIFICENT!

Alexander Isak climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Hugo Ekitike films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Step-overs from Rio Ngumoha followed by an explosion of pace, the defender buys the feint and eats the dust. Rio Ngumoha treats himself! He beats half the opposition team and finishes on his own, GOAL!

Rio Ngumoha stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Dominik Szoboszlai comes over and hugs him without a word.

Dominik Szoboszlai delivers an inswinging free kick, Alexander Isak at the back post tries to get on the end of it. Header from Alexander Isak, he did everything right except the finish! It goes wide, the keeper thanks the woodwork. Ben Doak hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! Dean Huijsen wins his aerial duel with fierce determination, he outmuscles the attacker and comes away with possession.

Defensive organization is perfect, the opposition hits a brick wall. Brilliant tackle from Milos Kerkez! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending. Little shift from Milos Kerkez to Rio Ngumoha, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Ball over the top from Rio Ngumoha, Dominik Szoboszlai had timed the run half a second early and the timing is perfection.

We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. The ball pings around but the defenders are barely breaking sweat. Hugo Ekitike gives it to Ryan Gravenberch into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. It falls apart for Ryan Gravenberch, the pass goes the wrong way entirely, the opponent recovers and starts again.

"Sixty-two percent possession and not a single clear chance. You are passing it around like a game of piggy in the middle!" The gaffer slams the stats sheet on the table. Caoimhín Kelleher winces. Trent Alexander-Arnold looks away. Something has got to change and everyone in this room knows it. Rio Ngumoha once tweeted 'rate my Sunday roast' and the entire internet destroyed the 18-year-old for putting the Yorkshire puddings on a separate plate. The tweet was deleted within eleven minutes. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 5555 and answer this question: 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Dominik Szoboszlai sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

Jan Paul van Hecke produces a sensational tackle in the box, wins the ball, no penalty shout. That takes serious courage. Fast break, one-touch football, they've cut them to ribbons. Rio Ngumoha powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated. Rio Ngumoha floats a cross in from the wing for Trent Alexander-Arnold, the ball hangs in the box!

Oh that's terrible! Lagos No-Carry-Last score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

Ryan Gravenberch changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Milos Kerkez. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Magnificent leap from Milos Kerkez who dominates the aerial duel. When he takes off like that, nobody stands a chance. They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. Dominik Szoboszlai picks it up and goes coast to coast like a man possessed. Nobody is stopping him.

Dominik Szoboszlai delivers, it's a scramble! The ball ricochets off shins and heads, defense finally boots it away! Ben Doak hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match. Groans from the stands, this possession is going nowhere. Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill. They've grabbed the game by the scruff of the neck now.

Caoimhín Kelleher throws it out quickly to Alexander Isak, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Diagonal from Alexander Isak to Rio Ngumoha, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Good run from Rio Ngumoha who crosses to the near post for Milos Kerkez. The defender is beaten to it.

GOAL! Lagos No-Carry-Last have netted! Their forward pounced on the loose ball. Clinical.

Caoimhín Kelleher runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Hugo Ekitike joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

The corner from Ben Doak is claimed by a defender at the near post, nothing comes of it. Jan Paul van Hecke heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one. Jan Paul van Hecke looks up and launches a long pass towards Dean Huijsen. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Lay-off from Dean Huijsen to Ben Doak, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Fantastic high recovery from Ben Doak, he sprinted twenty yards to go and rip the ball away. The effort is immense.

1-1. Alexander Isak and Ben Doak are the last two off the pitch, as ever. The stadium is nearly empty, a groundsman is starting to fold up the advertising boards. "Next time," says Alexander Isak. "Next time," replies Ben Doak. And they vanish into the tunnel. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Gerald Musty-Carpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?'. The answer was of course the M42, originally called the Badger's Lament until the council shortened it. Gerald wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

3-2 (W)

Alexander Isak tears into the opposition build-up, running everywhere, and ends up stealing the ball. That man is a guard dog. Alexander Isak follows up the play perfectly on the strike from Rio Ngumoha! The keeper parries, he prods it in. GOAL!

Alexander Isak fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. Ryan Gravenberch plays the medic running in. Caoimhín Kelleher plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

Milos Kerkez sees everything, understands everything, and intercepts at the perfect moment. That is the kind of player who makes a team unbeatable. Absolute peach from Milos Kerkez, threading it through for Rio Ngumoha, the centre-halves are done for! GOOOAL for Rio Ngumoha! He read the trajectory and slides the ball past the keeper. STRIKER'S goal!

Jan Paul van Hecke with the last-ditch tackle, gets every bit of the ball and none of the man. The ref's happy, we're happy. Solo charge from Jan Paul van Hecke, he sets off from midfield and arrives in the opposition box. GOAL! What a LOB from Jan Paul van Hecke! On the pass from Rio Ngumoha, he spots the keeper off his line and chips it with the TOP of his foot. The ball drops just on the line and goes in. CLASSY!

Jan Paul van Hecke spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Hugo Ekitike gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Corner from Dominik Szoboszlai into the danger area but a defender heads it away, dealt with. Magnificent reading of the game from Trent Alexander-Arnold, he intercepts between the lines and launches the counter. That kind of action turns a match on its head. Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart.

Hugo Ekitike drops a lofted ball to Rio Ngumoha, it sails over the entire midfield line. Rio Ngumoha lofts a cross into the box, Hugo Ekitike is there, sandwiched between two defenders, ready to pounce. Hugo Ekitike rises above his marker and wins the header! He got up higher than everyone.

The boss pulls Ryan Gravenberch aside: "You have been absolutely magnificent out there, mate. 24 years old and running the show like you own the place. Keep doing what you are doing." Ryan Gravenberch just nods, half-smile on {his} face, the quiet confidence of someone who knows {he} is having a blinder. We can exclusively reveal that Alexander Isak, standing 192, owns a pair of lucky pants that he's worn under his kit for three consecutive seasons. They're held together by hope and a single thread, but the results speak for themselves. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Be a Milliner! To win a Primark bag full of reduced Percy Pigs from M&S, text 0800PORK and answer: 'How many Percy Pigs can you fit in a shopping trolley?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Ryan Gravenberch sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

What a mess! Barranquilla Toque-Toque capitalise on that blunder. We are our own worst enemy.

Caoimhín Kelleher fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. Hugo Ekitike plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

Milos Kerkez refuses to give up, sprints all the way back and arrives just in time to make the tackle. Milos Kerkez commits the tactical foul without hesitation. The bench nods in approval. Milos Kerkez picks up a yellow card for a clinical foul. Stopped the danger, paid the price. Milos Kerkez tries the free kick but the wall is well positioned and blocks it. That's that. The corner from Ben Doak comes to nothing, the defence clears at the first post.

Stunning tackle by Milos Kerkez in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. Transition play in overdrive, they're at the edge of the box already. Rio Ngumoha puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins. Rio Ngumoha reaches the byline and cuts it back for Hugo Ekitike arriving from the second wave.

Nightmare! Barranquilla Toque-Toque score! That goal was coming, we've been under the cosh.

Caoimhín Kelleher dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

The team in a low block is impenetrable, every cross dealt with. Huge tackle from Milos Kerkez! Went through the back door and nicked the ball before the striker could get his shot away. Wicked through ball from Milos Kerkez, the ball skims the grass and finds Trent Alexander-Arnold who had set off before anyone else even noticed. Trent Alexander-Arnold rifles one in, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper comes up big. Corner to the attacking side.

Caoimhín Kelleher distributes short to Ben Doak, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Smooth transition from Ben Doak to Milos Kerkez, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Milos Kerkez drops the defender with a fake shot. Clever as you like.

The free kick from Dominik Szoboszlai is a dangerous one, Alexander Isak meets it on the volley inside the six-yard box. Alexander Isak loses his duel in the air on the cross, the opponent got better positioning. SAVE from Caoimhín Kelleher! The attacker had a go but the keeper produced a MONUMENTAL hand.

What a result against Barranquilla Toque-Toque! Caoimhín Kelleher walks over to the travelling support, puts his hand on his heart, and bows. Milos Kerkez follows and throws his boots into the crowd. Some lad in row G is going home with a size 9 souvenir. Scenes. Sharon from Basildon says two hundred and six Percy Pigs, which she verified personally last Saturday. Primark bag and all, she's the winner! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-1 (L)

The ball from Trent Alexander-Arnold rips through the defensive curtain, Milos Kerkez is flying into the space like an arrow. Milos Kerkez looks at the keeper, sees the angle, and places his shot! It is in, IT IS A GREAT GOAL!

Trent Alexander-Arnold mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Dominik Szoboszlai raises Trent Alexander-Arnold's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Caoimhín Kelleher plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

Trent Alexander-Arnold clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive. Foul by Ben Doak, he had to make that challenge to stop the break. Tactical.

Blistering run from Ryan Gravenberch on the wing, the defender is chasing but never catches up. Ryan Gravenberch dives in the penalty area, hoping to con the referee. Not today, son. Ryan Gravenberch booked for simulation, he was looking for a penalty and found a yellow card instead. Ryan Gravenberch plays a low free kick into the box, Ben Doak cuts across to meet it in front of goal.

Caoimhín Kelleher hoofs it forward towards Hugo Ekitike, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Wing switch from Hugo Ekitike, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Jan Paul van Hecke brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Cross from Jan Paul van Hecke, he puts it on the far post for Trent Alexander-Arnold. Trent Alexander-Arnold tries a powerful cross but the defender is there and blocks everything.

No let-up now, balls raining into the penalty area nonstop. Everything on the line, Caoimhín Kelleher is up, nothing to lose now. What a leap from Jan Paul van Hecke! He rises above the lot and wins the header with royal composure. Jan Paul van Hecke slides it to Trent Alexander-Arnold, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

The dressing room is silent apart from the fizz of isotonic drinks being opened and the squeak of boots on tiles. Ben Doak is biting {his} nails in the corner. Caoimhín Kelleher stares at the ceiling like it holds the answers to everything. The gaffer lets the silence do its work before delivering his half-time talk. Trent Alexander-Arnold once tweeted 'rate my Sunday roast' and the entire internet destroyed the 28-year-old for putting the Yorkshire puddings on a separate plate. The tweet was deleted within eleven minutes. And now, our TV game show Bargain Hunt for Socks! To win a multipack of sensible socks from Primark, text 0800SOCK and answer: 'How many odd socks does the average British household have at any given time?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Alexander Isak leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Dean Huijsen lays it off first time to Ben Doak, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Ben Doak keeps it short to Rio Ngumoha, no frills, just good football intelligence. Rio Ngumoha takes on the defender in tight quarters and comes out on top. Pure talent. Rio Ngumoha tries to dribble in too tight a space and gets the ball nicked off him.

What a SHAMBLES in the box after Ryan Gravenberch's corner! Bodies everywhere, somehow the defense holds! Dean Huijsen boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there. Sterile football, looks like a testimonial out there.

Dean Huijsen launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. Emergency clearance from Dean Huijsen, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe. Hugo Ekitike tries to get up for the duel but the attacker beats him to the header. The timing was off. Jan Paul van Hecke sends a furious header but the ball sails over the bar. So close yet so far.

Unbelievable! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa score from nowhere. Their striker just smashed it in.

Dominik Szoboszlai bounces off Dean Huijsen, gets it back in stride, and it is done. The kind of combination that makes football beautiful. One laser pass from Dominik Szoboszlai and the entire defence is eliminated, Ben Doak is through on goal. The space is enormous. Ben Doak is given offside by the width of a bootlace, Milos Kerkez is shaking his head. Short distribution from Caoimhín Kelleher to Dominik Szoboszlai, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. Aerial duel won by Dominik Szoboszlai, he absolutely dominates in the air against the defender.

Milos Kerkez reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. Sideways ball from Milos Kerkez to Hugo Ekitike, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Hugo Ekitike looks for Alexander Isak with a ball in behind but it is massively overhit. The opposition keeper collects without moving. They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass.

Draw against Montevideo Garra-Charrúa. Hugo Ekitike kisses the club badge as he passes the home end — a gesture for the fans, regardless. Dean Huijsen does the same. The squad stays tight, the season rolls on. Nights like this, you close ranks. Janet from Wolverhampton says twenty-three odd socks at minimum and that's a conservative estimate. Primark multipack for Janet! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

2-2 (L)

GOAAAL! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío make it count! Sliced through us like a hot knife through butter.

Caoimhín Kelleher kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Ben Doak takes a knee behind him. Caoimhín Kelleher raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Wall combination between Milos Kerkez and Alexander Isak, fluid, rapid, and it creates an overload going forward. GOOOOL from Milos Kerkez! Massive right-footed strike, the ball almost rips the net off. GOOOOAL!

Milos Kerkez legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Alexander Isak tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Disaster! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

Quick one-two between Trent Alexander-Arnold and Ryan Gravenberch, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Low cut-back from Ryan Gravenberch, Rio Ngumoha arrives at pace and can hit it first time. Rio Ngumoha winds up and FIIIIRES! Placed strike, the ball slides into the bottom corner, OPENING GOAAAAL!

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment Trent Alexander-Arnold strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. Hugo Ekitike points at it, jaw on the floor. Caoimhín Kelleher shakes his head, not believing it.

Rainbow flick from Alexander Isak, he clips the ball over the defender with his heel. The crowd erupts. Lovely use of the ball by Alexander Isak, finding Ryan Gravenberch in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Shifting pass from Ryan Gravenberch to Ben Doak, the ball drifts into the free zone and Ben Doak is onto it in two strides.

Studious atmosphere in the dressing room. The coach has his tablet out, replaying clips: "Look, Milos Kerkez, there is acres of space on the overlap and you go back inside every time. Use the width." Milos Kerkez takes the note. The game is there for the taking if they can just find the key. Quite remarkable — Ryan Gravenberch got into a heated argument at a car boot sale over a secondhand George Foreman grill. Apparently he haggled for twenty minutes, paid three quid, and considers it the greatest negotiation of his career. The man is 24 years old. And now, our TV game show Taskmaster of the Obvious! To win a laminated bus timetable from 2019, text 4678 and answer: 'How early should you arrive at a bus stop to guarantee the bus has already left?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Dean Huijsen is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Tight-knit defense, compact shape, the opposition has to shoot from distance. They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. Powerful run from Rio Ngumoha down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there. Rio Ngumoha looks up and swings in a floated cross, Hugo Ekitike rises among the defenders. Cross from Hugo Ekitike far too long, the ball flies through the entire box without finding anyone.

Ball stolen and released forward, it's an absolute rocket of a counter. Overlap from Ben Doak on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed. Neat lay-off from Ben Doak for Jan Paul van Hecke in the box, the ball is on a plate, clean as a whistle. Jan Paul van Hecke unleashes an ABSOLUUUUTE CANNON! On target but the keeper gets a strong hand to it. Corner.

Line-breaking pass from Rio Ngumoha! The ball slices through the centre-halves and Alexander Isak picks it up at full pace. Devastating. Alexander Isak thought he'd timed it perfectly, but the linesman disagrees. Offside on Jan Paul van Hecke's pass. Caoimhín Kelleher goes long for Dean Huijsen, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Dean Huijsen sniffs out the danger and produces a wonderfully timed challenge. Not a hint of a foul.

The corner from Ryan Gravenberch is cut out at the near post by a defender, no danger. Monumental ball from Hugo Ekitike to Jan Paul van Hecke, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Overlap from Jan Paul van Hecke with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel. The dribble from Jan Paul van Hecke fools nobody, the defender collects comfortably. Classy interception from Hugo Ekitike, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time.

Milos Kerkez sees the gap and puts the ball right through it. Alexander Isak is racing into the channel, the defence is watching the train leave the station. Alexander Isak is flagged and it's the tightest of calls, Milos Kerkez's pass was beautifully weighted too. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare. Milos Kerkez feeds Dean Huijsen in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling.

Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. Majestic individual run from Ryan Gravenberch, he cuts through the pitch like an arrow. Ryan Gravenberch shapes up and hits it, just wide but it grazed the bar. The technique was there, the finish just wasn't. Caoimhín Kelleher distributes by hand to Hugo Ekitike on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Hugo Ekitike wins the aerial battle against the attacker, he jumped earlier, higher, and stronger. Total domination.

Ben Doak pings a long diagonal to Dean Huijsen, completely shifts the point of attack. Magnificent shift from Dean Huijsen! Trent Alexander-Arnold picks it up in space, no marker in sight, the pitch is his. Trent Alexander-Arnold takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race. Cut-back from Trent Alexander-Arnold, the ball zips across the box at ground level to Ben Doak.

Points shared. Dominik Szoboszlai sits on the grass for a full minute, staring up at the floodlights. Rio Ngumoha crouches beside him: "Come on mate, let's get inside. Tuesday's another game." Long season. Draws happen. Nobody's thrilled, nobody's devastated. Leonard from Barnsley says fifteen minutes early guarantees the bus left fourteen minutes ago. Laminated timetable for Leonard! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

2-1 (W)

Absolutely immense from Trent Alexander-Arnold! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back. Lightning counter, striker's away on his bike and the defence is chasing shadows. GOOOAL! Ben Doak onto the pass from Hugo Ekitike produces a lob for the AGES! The keeper is beaten through the air, the ball descends slowly and nestles in the net. BEAUTIFUL, GRAND, MAGNIFICENT!

Trent Alexander-Arnold runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Dominik Szoboszlai gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

High recovery from Dominik Szoboszlai, he ran himself into the ground to go and win that ball. The defender never saw him coming. Possession flipped in a heartbeat, textbook transition football. GOOOOOAL! Hugo Ekitike turns into a FOX in the box! The ball was loose, he prods it in, simple as that!

Monster clearance from Caoimhín Kelleher, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Hugo Ekitike. Aerial duel lost by Hugo Ekitike, he was nudged in the back and could not get a proper jump in. Caoimhín Kelleher stretches horizontally and tips the shot away with an extended arm. Cat-like! Corner from Ryan Gravenberch, header from Hugo Ekitike at the penalty spot but it is off target. He should have scored.

Ben Doak pulls out a backheel nutmeg in open play, the ball goes through the defender's legs with the heel. WOOOW Ben Doak launches a missile! On target, the ball is fizzing but the keeper tips it around the post!

Oh the keeper comes out and misses Rio Ngumoha's corner! Scramble on the line, a defender hacks it away! Almighty boot from Alexander Isak who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe. Frustration boiling over in the stands, going in circles for ten minutes. Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. The away end has gone ominously quiet, this side is on top now.

Caoimhín Kelleher is planning the celebration already. "If I score in the second half, I am doing the knee slide right in front of their lot," {he} tells Milos Kerkez, who replies: "Last time you tried that you pulled your hamstring." The dressing room erupts. The gaffer shakes his head. "Just score the goal, we will worry about the celebration later." Now this is properly British — Ryan Gravenberch once spent an entire bank holiday Monday sitting in a car park in the rain, eating a Cornish pasty and listening to TalkSport. When asked why, he simply said 'because it's a bank holiday.' The lad is 24 and gets it. And now, our TV game show Motorway Service Station Bingo! To win a Costa loyalty card with one stamp, text 4567 and answer: 'What is the minimum price of a sandwich at a motorway services?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Alexander Isak wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

Milos Kerkez launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out. Royal interception from Trent Alexander-Arnold! He positions himself in the passing corridor and plucks the ball out of thin air. Massive clearance from Trent Alexander-Arnold, just get the ball as far away as possible. The opposition defenders could grab a brew, nothing is happening.

Superb defensive work from Milos Kerkez there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal. Alexander Isak tries the curler... it bends beautifully but slides just past the post. AGONISING. The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. They're turning this into a siege, the keeper's going to be busy.

Ryan Gravenberch gives it to Dominik Szoboszlai who returns it first time, Ryan Gravenberch ghosts past his man like he does not exist. Ryan Gravenberch accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides. Foul by Ryan Gravenberch in the middle of the park, breaks up a promising move. Ryan Gravenberch combines with Rio Ngumoha from the free kick, the little pass takes the wall out of the equation.

It's in! Rio Malandro FC take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

Caoimhín Kelleher and Jan Paul van Hecke do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Caoimhín Kelleher arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

Ryan Gravenberch plants his studs on the attacker's ankle. That's as bad as it gets. Booking for Ryan Gravenberch. Went in high with the forearm, the opponent felt that. Free kick swung in by Ryan Gravenberch, the ball travels across the six-yard box and Dominik Szoboszlai is lurking. Aerial duel won by Dominik Szoboszlai in his own box. He took the lift to the top floor and cleaned up everything.

Caoimhín Kelleher rolls it short to Ryan Gravenberch into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. With one swing of the boot, Ryan Gravenberch finds Alexander Isak on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. Alexander Isak delivers a tidy ball to Hugo Ekitike, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work.

Full time, full joy! Ryan Gravenberch walks the entire touchline high-fiving every fan who leans over the barrier. Jan Paul van Hecke carries a little kid onto the pitch for a photo — nobody's sure whose kid it is, but everyone's smiling. Rio Malandro FC are yesterday's news. Tony from Warwick says eight pounds fifty for a cheese sandwich the size of a postage stamp. Costa loyalty card for Tony! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

2-1 (W)

Surging run from Hugo Ekitike from the centre circle, he destroys everything in his path. What a spectacle. Hugo Ekitike storms into the box and the defender UNBALANCES him! The referee awards a penalty! The player gets up, the stadium is SILENT, everyone is holding their breath. Penalty from Hugo Ekitike! He fires it hard under the bar, the keeper was on the right line but it was TOO POWERFUL. GOAL!

Hugo Ekitike sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. Jan Paul van Hecke snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. Caoimhín Kelleher waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

Trent Alexander-Arnold with a trademark slide tackle, gets the ball and pops straight back up. The fans are on their feet! They're away in transition, pace to burn, it's like watching a freight train. Hugo Ekitike spots the keeper off his line and tries the LOB! It clears him! GOAL! The ball sails over the keeper by an inch and drops just behind him. The AUDACITY of that finish, that is OUTRAGEOUS!

Solidarity move: Trent Alexander-Arnold grabs Ben Doak who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Ben Doak a standing ovation right through to the restart.

One touch football: Milos Kerkez to Trent Alexander-Arnold, faster than the opposition can think. The opponent is bundled over by Trent Alexander-Arnold. Not much in it, but the whistle goes. Booking for Trent Alexander-Arnold, the niggling fouls have caught up with him at last. Free kick from Trent Alexander-Arnold... into the wall. The wall didn't flinch. Massive clearance from Jan Paul van Hecke in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished.

Ferocious press from Ben Doak! He sticks to the carrier, hounds him, and ends up winning the ball. The dirty work that makes great players. Ben Doak plays it into the channel for Trent Alexander-Arnold, the defensive line is split clean in two. That is pure filth. Trent Alexander-Arnold aims for Ben Doak but the ball is deflected off an opponent's foot. Pass cut out. What positioning from Trent Alexander-Arnold! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts. Trent Alexander-Arnold boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go.

Jan Paul van Hecke with a last-gasp tackle that saves the day! Gets everything on the ball and nothing on the man. Heroic stuff. Brilliant switch of play from Jan Paul van Hecke! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Ben Doak. Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed.

Pie and Bovril vibes in the dressing room. The gaffer has drawn one arrow on the whiteboard and written underneath it: "Same again." Rio Ngumoha is leaning back with {his} feet up, 170 cm of pure relaxation. Trent Alexander-Arnold is refuelling on jelly babies. Life is good when the scoreboard is in your favour. A wonderful anecdote — Jan Paul van Hecke once got lost in an IKEA for two and a half hours. Had to be rescued by staff near the bedroom section. He was 26 at the time and insists the store moved the exits. Classic British Saturday gone wrong. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 1999 and answer this question: 'How long is a piece of string if the string is lying?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Ryan Gravenberch leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Oh dear oh dear! Istanbul Cehennem FK score and the dugout is fuming. Rightly so.

Ben Doak unleashes a raking ball out to Dominik Szoboszlai, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Dominik Szoboszlai weights his pass into the space for Ben Doak who collects at full pace without breaking stride. Perfection. Rio Ngumoha launches a long ball for Ben Doak, but he's well offside. Defence did well. Caoimhín Kelleher plays out from the back with Jan Paul van Hecke, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. Burst of speed from Jan Paul van Hecke, he devours the left flank in a matter of seconds. Impressive.

The block is set up beautifully, compact, disciplined, nothing getting through. Caoimhín Kelleher closes the angle with his legs and the strike rebounds off him! The keeper is A WALL! Caoimhín Kelleher opts for the short option to Milos Kerkez, keeping possession, building play, no panic.

Free kick from Ben Doak delivered with pace, Milos Kerkez finds himself in space at the far post. The cross from Milos Kerkez is blocked by a defender in the box. The defence holds firm.

Ben Doak slips Hugo Ekitike in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Flash wall from Dean Huijsen for Hugo Ekitike who had started the run before even passing the ball. Insane anticipation. The defence holds its line and Hugo Ekitike is caught offside from Ben Doak's ball over the top. Caoimhín Kelleher boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Alexander Isak! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Alexander Isak slides into the passing lane and nicks the ball. The opposition does not know what just happened.

Caoimhín Kelleher plays it along the ground to Rio Ngumoha, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. Switch from Rio Ngumoha! The ball arcs over the midfield and Ben Doak collects it on the other side. Stretching the play. Ben Doak releases Dean Huijsen with a ball into space on the left. The defence is sliding across but they are too late. Dean Huijsen gets to the byline and cuts it back low, Rio Ngumoha just needs to sidefoot it home. Rio Ngumoha with an absolutely perfect sliding tackle, takes the ball right off the attacker's toes. Nothing given, play on!

What a result against Istanbul Cehennem FK! Caoimhín Kelleher walks over to the travelling support, puts his hand on his heart, and bows. Dominik Szoboszlai follows and throws his boots into the crowd. Some lad in row G is going home with a size 9 souvenir. Scenes. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Pauline Drizzle-Hatch, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How long is a piece of string if the string is lying?'. The answer was of course it claims to be six feet but it's really only four, the dishonest thread. Pauline wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-0 (W)

They've broken at pace and the back line is nowhere to be seen. Telepathic pass from Ben Doak to Ryan Gravenberch, like they rehearsed it at breakfast. The ball fizzes in behind the defence. Ryan Gravenberch lobs the keeper and it is GOAL! The audacity to attempt that finish at THIS moment of the match is what makes GREAT players. Perfect lob, perfect trajectory, PERFECT goal!

Long kick from Caoimhín Kelleher, Dean Huijsen positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Dean Huijsen explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening. Chipped cross from Dean Huijsen over the defence, Milos Kerkez is underneath it. That is a killer ball.

The intensity has gone up several notches, this is magnificent. Aggressive high press, the opposition keeper is already sweating. Oh what a challenge! Jan Paul van Hecke goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. Enormous clearance from Jan Paul van Hecke inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it.

Ben Doak plays the free kick quickly to Dean Huijsen, they catch the defence napping. OHHH Dean Huijsen strikes and it goes just wide! The post was trembling! Sterile stuff this, pass after pass going nowhere fast. Alexander Isak tries his luck and puts it on the third tier. The crowd give him an ironic round of applause.

Team goes on the counter but the final pass is too short, all wasted. Ryan Gravenberch picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train. Lobbed cross from Ryan Gravenberch, it sails over the entire back four and Milos Kerkez is there behind. Brilliant. Lovely high take from Caoimhín Kelleher! He owns his box, the attacker had no time to even jump. Caoimhín Kelleher sends an absolute rocket towards Jan Paul van Hecke, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch.

The coach gathers the lads round: "Listen, we are in a great position. But this lot do not lie down, so keep your heads screwed on." Dominik Szoboszlai claps once, loud, and shouts "Come on then!" like {he} is leading the charge at Agincourt. The energy is electric. These lads are well up for the second half. A scouting report from Ben Doak's youth days says — and I quote — 'technically raw, but can eat a full Sunday roast in under eight minutes.' That kind of efficiency translates to the pitch. He's now 21 and hasn't slowed down at the dinner table. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Bedtime! To win a Premier Inn king-size pillow, text 3345 and answer: 'What time does a British person start complaining about the weather each morning?' They are back. Hugo Ekitike salutes the travelling fans with a raised fist before taking {his} spot. The faithful respond in kind. Second half. Bring it on.

Alexander Isak overlaps on the wing with frightening ease, the defender is made to look silly. Looping cross from Alexander Isak, it sails over the centre-halves and drops towards Ben Doak. Danger. Cross from Ben Doak intercepted by the centre-half, the defence is alert. Panicked clearance from Ben Doak, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done.

Free kick from Ryan Gravenberch, lovely delivery and Alexander Isak rises above the defence. Alexander Isak goes up to the heavens and comes back down with the ball. Aerial duel won, total domination, the opposition can pack their bags. Good ball from Alexander Isak to Ben Doak, playing it quick between the lines. Ben Doak wins the ball back high up the pitch after an outrageous press. The defender crumbled under the pressure.

Dean Huijsen goes crossfield to Dominik Szoboszlai, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Cross from Dominik Szoboszlai off the left, the ball travels across the entire six-yard box and finds Hugo Ekitike at the far side. Caoimhín Kelleher repels the attempt with a reflex save! Clinical, clean, absolutely enormous. Alexander Isak heads the corner from Ryan Gravenberch at the back post, it goes wide. Close but not close enough.

The referee POINTS to the penalty spot! Milos Kerkez has been clipped at the feet inside the box. No argument, it is a penalty! The stadium is holding its collective BREATH! OVER THE BAR! Milos Kerkez sends the penalty into the stands! Absolute disaster!

Caoimhín Kelleher lumps it long towards Alexander Isak, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. Magnificent tackle from Alexander Isak! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Alexander Isak feeds Ben Doak in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. WHAT A SHAME for Ben Doak! Thunderous strike that flashes just past the upright.

Massive win over Milano Piano-Piano! Rio Ngumoha is the last man off the pitch, soaking in every last decibel. The ground's half-empty but the noise is still deafening. Trent Alexander-Arnold pops his head out of the tunnel: "Oi, the pizza's getting cold!" Priorities. Graham from Harrogate says half six and honestly we all agree. He's off to Premier Inn with his brand new pillow. And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

2-1 (W)

Trent Alexander-Arnold goes to ground and absolutely nails the tackle. Ball won, danger cleared, crowd on their feet. Broken at speed, the lads have bombed forward like their lives depend on it. Oh the TOUCH from Alexander Isak! SUBLIME lob! The keeper is ten yards off his line, Alexander Isak spots it, chips the ball and it drops right into the goal. MASTERPIECE!

Trent Alexander-Arnold kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Alexander Isak takes a knee behind him. Caoimhín Kelleher raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Strikers making run after run, long balls flying in every time. Rio Ngumoha rises on the delivery from Hugo Ekitike and powers a furious header into the net!

Jan Paul van Hecke rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Trent Alexander-Arnold. The far side is completely deserted. Brilliant opening from Trent Alexander-Arnold for Ryan Gravenberch, frees up the entire left flank. Driven cross from Ryan Gravenberch into the box, Trent Alexander-Arnold arrives at full pace at the near post. This smells like a goal.

It's hit the back of the net! Sevilla Olé-Olé lead and we look completely lost.

Solid as a rock, the block holds under pressure. What a rush out from Caoimhín Kelleher! He narrows the angle and smothers the shot at the feet. Caoimhín Kelleher smashes a volley towards Alexander Isak, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Massive diagonal from Alexander Isak! Milos Kerkez receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards.

The gaffer sits down, crosses his arms, and just watches the lads for a moment. Ryan Gravenberch is chatting with Caoimhín Kelleher about holiday plans. Someone is throwing grapes into someone else's mouth. The staff are relaxed, the players are relaxed. "Right, let us not get complacent," the boss finally says. "But well played. Seriously." Now Jan Paul van Hecke — and this is absolutely true — once entered a Wetherspoons curry club night and ate three lamb bhuna in a single sitting. At 189, the man is essentially a furnace. The manager gave him a round of applause and a free pint. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 8899 and answer this question: 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?' Back on the pitch and Caoimhín Kelleher is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

Video review underway, players catching their breath, supporters on the edge of their seats. Incredible tension. VAR shows just how bad the challenge was, Milos Kerkez is sent to the dressing room! Unbelievable scenes! Milos Kerkez has kicked out at the opponent off the ball. He's been sent off. Milos Kerkez plays the free kick back to Dean Huijsen, they are looking for the shooting angle.

Sharp turn from Rio Ngumoha, the defender is sat down. Someone call an ambulance. The attacker tries to sprint past but Rio Ngumoha grabs the waistband, foul! Yellow shown to Rio Ngumoha, he brought down the man rather than let him play the through ball. Rio Ngumoha shapes to shoot but plays it short to Alexander Isak, the defence is caught flat-footed.

Quick one-two between Alexander Isak and Trent Alexander-Arnold, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Careless distribution from Trent Alexander-Arnold, the ball lands straight at an opponent's feet. The kind of pass that costs you. Huge interception from Dean Huijsen! He cuts out the pass and drives forward. The kind of action that never shows up in the stats but changes the whole match. Dean Huijsen feeds Trent Alexander-Arnold in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Lay-off from Trent Alexander-Arnold to Ryan Gravenberch, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan.

Hugo Ekitike gives it to Rio Ngumoha into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Rio Ngumoha has a go but the shot is deflected! The defender took the ball full in the chest. Corner from Dean Huijsen, the ball travels across the box but a defender clears at the far post. Lifesaving clearance from Rio Ngumoha! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters.

The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. Ryan Gravenberch pings a ridiculous diagonal to Dominik Szoboszlai. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Dominik Szoboszlai is beaten in the air, the opponent rises above him with authority. That is tough to take. Jan Paul van Hecke lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war. Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper.

It's over and we've won it! Caoimhín Kelleher grabs the corner flag and plants it at the centre spot like he's claiming new territory. Milos Kerkez pretends to salute. The fans are in absolute stitches. The manager pretends to be annoyed but you can see him smirking. Top, top scenes. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Keith Drizzleton, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?'. The answer was of course 4.7 kilonewtons, enough to demolish a conversation but not enough to get served at the bar. Keith wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

2-2 (L)

And it's a goal! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein punish us for that sloppy defending. Heads will roll.

Ryan Gravenberch feeds Hugo Ekitike in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. GOOOOAL from Hugo Ekitike! MASTERFUL long-range strike, the ball traces a perfect line and ends in the net!

Dean Huijsen anticipates the pass and intercepts cleanly. The opposition midfielder thought he had found the gap, but it was a trap. Dean Huijsen beats man after man and drives forward on his own, opponents are scattered like skittles. Dean Huijsen takes his time to aim, looks at the keeper, and SHOOTS! On target, in the net, GOOOOAL!

Ruthless press, the opposition can't hold the ball for two seconds. High recovery from Alexander Isak, he forced the error by hounding the carrier relentlessly. The kind of effort that the stats do not show but that wins football matches. Alexander Isak sets it for Hugo Ekitike, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating.

Caoimhín Kelleher plays it short to Rio Ngumoha, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Rio Ngumoha plays the simple ball to Ryan Gravenberch, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll.

The gaffer pulls up München Ordnung-Muss-Sein's shape on the screen: "See how high their line is? One ball over the top and we are in. Caoimhín Kelleher, you have the pace. Milos Kerkez, you have the vision. Put it together and we are laughing." It sounds simple. Football always sounds simple at halftime. Doing it is the hard part. A little fun fact for you — Caoimhín Kelleher, all 188 of him, once entered a village conker championship in Lower Piddle and made it to the semi-finals. He was disqualified for soaking his conker in vinegar, which frankly shows the sort of competitive edge you want in a footballer. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 6677 and answer this question: 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?' Jan Paul van Hecke leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

Driven kick from Caoimhín Kelleher to Alexander Isak, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Alexander Isak powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go. Alexander Isak tries the cross but it is completely off target, ends up going out for a throw. What composure from Caoimhín Kelleher! He climbs, gathers the cross and restarts play. The danger has passed. Massive punt from Caoimhín Kelleher, sends the ball sixty yards, Rio Ngumoha is scrapping for it up top.

The free kick from Rio Ngumoha clears the defence and finds Hugo Ekitike in the danger area. Hugo Ekitike beats the attacker with a commanding header, he went up like a lift and came back down with the ball. The boss. Hugo Ekitike winds up and FIIIIRES! On target! But the keeper pushes it away for a corner.

Rio Ngumoha gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side. Absolutely disgraceful from Rio Ngumoha. Not a shred of contact and he's writhing on the floor. Rio Ngumoha earns a yellow card for diving, you reap what you sow on the pitch. The free kick from Rio Ngumoha is floated in, Hugo Ekitike makes his run to the back post.

They've scored! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein break the deadlock and the momentum has completely shifted.

Caoimhín Kelleher spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Ryan Gravenberch gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Jan Paul van Hecke swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Alexander Isak, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Alexander Isak wins the header and flicks it on for Ryan Gravenberch. He took the elevator while the rest were queuing for the stairs. Big clearance from Alexander Isak under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line. Jan Paul van Hecke dominates his marker in the air, powerful header to clear the danger. He is the king of the aerial game. Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly.

Dominik Szoboszlai sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Alexander Isak. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere. Rio Ngumoha drops a lollipop in behind the defence, Ben Doak read the play perfectly and finds himself one on one. Devastating burst of pace from Ben Doak, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank.

Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. Alexander Isak leans into the opponent and sends him off balance. Free kick. Yellow card. Alexander Isak racked up too many fouls, the ref couldn't let it slide anymore. Alexander Isak's free kick crashes into the wall. They jumped at the right moment. Long ball from Caoimhín Kelleher for Ryan Gravenberch who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy.

Points shared with München Ordnung-Muss-Sein. Caoimhín Kelleher slumps against the corner flag for a few seconds before pulling himself up. Ryan Gravenberch has a chinwag with their number 10 — old pals from the academy days. Football brings people together, even when nobody's really won. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Brenda Sogbottom, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?'. The answer was of course three consecutive drizzles, as defined by the Met Office Dampness Protocol of 1991. Brenda wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

2-1 (W)

They're going for broke, nothing can stop them now. Mad scenes, Caoimhín Kelleher sprinting to the halfway line to get back up in time. GOOOOL from Dominik Szoboszlai! MAJESTIC angled header on the cross from Alexander Isak, the ball brushes the post and is in!

Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. Hugo Ekitike catches everyone off guard with a solo burst, he is unstoppable. GOOOOOOL from Hugo Ekitike! On the pass from Ryan Gravenberch, he curls it with the right foot and beats the keeper at the far post!

Hugo Ekitike does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Caoimhín Kelleher launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Caoimhín Kelleher arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. Ryan Gravenberch finds Dominik Szoboszlai between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Brilliant cut-back from Dominik Szoboszlai along the grass for Ryan Gravenberch. That is an absolute peach of a ball. Ryan Gravenberch trips over his own feet in front of the empty net! Dominik Szoboszlai had done it all, what an absolute waste. The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it.

Ben Doak lays it off first time to Jan Paul van Hecke, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Jan Paul van Hecke squares it back for Dean Huijsen, low and hard across the six-yard box, just needs a tap in.

Caoimhín Kelleher catapults the ball towards Dean Huijsen from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. Interception from Dean Huijsen who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of Dean Huijsen. One touch football: Dean Huijsen to Dominik Szoboszlai, faster than the opposition can think.

Dominik Szoboszlai starts a chant and within seconds the whole dressing room joins in. Boots stamping, hands clapping, proper old-school dressing room stuff. Jan Paul van Hecke conducts like it is the Last Night of the Proms. The gaffer lets it go for thirty seconds then kills it: "Save the singing for the pub tonight. We have still got a job to do." Now here's a proper one — Alexander Isak was caught by paparazzi doing a big shop in Aldi at half ten at night. Trolley full of knock-off biscuits and frozen pizzas. At 192, the man clearly needs his fuel, and he's not paying Waitrose prices for it. And now, our TV game show Pointless Gestures! To win a royal family commemorative tea towel set, text 0800CROWN and answer: 'How many corgis can fit in a single Buckingham Palace corridor?' And we are back underway! Jan Paul van Hecke jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. Pass into no-man's land from Alexander Isak, nobody on the end of it, the ball rolls straight to the opposition. Gift. Milos Kerkez sprints at the defender and pinches the ball right off his toes. Aggressive pressing, decisive recovery.

What a disaster! London Three-Pints score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Caoimhín Kelleher is at the centre, lifted up by Dominik Szoboszlai and Caoimhín Kelleher, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. London Three-Pints's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

Roulette from Dominik Szoboszlai on his marker, the skill is magnificent, the crowd goes wild! Failed dribble from Dominik Szoboszlai, he tried to do too much and the defender capitalises. Dean Huijsen mistimes the tackle and catches the opponent's shin. Free kick. Dean Huijsen sends an inswinging free kick in, Rio Ngumoha rises for the header at the far post.

Milos Kerkez cleans up with a magnificent sliding tackle, wins possession, and plays it forward. That's the complete defensive action. Milos Kerkez slides it to Jan Paul van Hecke, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Long ball from Jan Paul van Hecke to Ben Doak, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing.

Change of flanks from Milos Kerkez, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Trent Alexander-Arnold. Trent Alexander-Arnold tries to find Milos Kerkez but it is nowhere near him. Sloppy stuff. Milos Kerkez goes to war in the opposition half and comes back with the ball. Pressing is a battle, and Milos Kerkez just won it. Counter-attack fires off the blocks, blistering pace from the front three. Dominik Szoboszlai has a go but it drifts to the right of goal. Not far away though.

Rio Ngumoha presses high and picks off the sloppy pass from the defender. When you bring that intensity, the opposition errors come thick and fast. Rio Ngumoha unleashes a fierce drive, it's GOIIIIING... wide. Clips the post on the way out though. A thousand passes ending with a backpass to the keeper, utterly frustrating. Dean Huijsen frees up the entire channel for Hugo Ekitike with a ball into space. The defence is caught on the wrong foot. Low cut-back from Hugo Ekitike, the ball threads between the defender's legs and reaches Milos Kerkez.

Brilliant! Dean Huijsen goes straight to the family section, finds his people in the crowd, and blows kisses with both hands. Caoimhín Kelleher photobombs from behind with the daftest grin you've ever seen. The post-match interview can wait — this is what football's about. Philippa from Henley-on-Thames says at least fourteen corgis comfortably and twenty at a push. The tea towel set is hers! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'