My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇬🇧
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 3 | New York Over-Timers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Houston Blast-Off | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 11 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | My Team | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Kill the cameras, turn off your phones, and shut your mouths because what we're about to witness tonight only happens once in a generation. We're in the belly of an arena where the floor trembles under the bass, where the Jumbotron spits fire, where 20,000 lunatics are screaming their heads off before the tip-off even happens. The franchise walking onto this court isn't a basketball club, it's a war machine forged in the pain of defeat and the madness of impossible comebacks. Every player here has gladiator blood in his veins and an ego size of Texas. The team with no name, baby! Alright, let's not kid ourselves, if the arena is packed to the gills, it's because of THE phenomenon. This guy isn't just a basketball player, he's a walking cheat code on the hardwood: give it up for Jimmy Butler! Picture this: standing at 201 cm, but he handles the rock with the agility of a 5'10" point guard and launches missiles from 30 feet like he's at shootaround. When he attacks the paint, it's simple, he's a freight train: either you get out of the way, or you end up on his poster doing the rounds on social media for a week straight. What kills you about this guy is that he makes basketball look easy. You watch him and you think "well yeah, it's simple." And then you realize the defender in front of him is 6'9", runs a 4.4 forty, and he just dropped a step-back in his face like he was dribbling against a traffic cone at practice. It's not ease, it's absolute mastery disguised as nonchalance. And damn, is it beautiful to watch. And here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the cherry on top, the plot twist nobody saw coming: the coach recruited historical Jesus. A social activist. To play professional basketball. I'll repeat for the people in the back: a social activist, with their protest banner, on an NBA hardwood. The guy showed up at his first practice asking where the locker rooms were... And went the wrong way. Twice. But the coach swears on everything holy that historical Jesus has "something." We don't know what exactly, but he has "something." In the meantime, the guy runs around like a headless chicken, confuses the social injustice with the basketball, and has already racked up three technical fouls for trying to negotiate with the referee. Financially, we're in no man's land. Not poor, not rich. The kind of team that eyes the trade deadline with longing but knows it can only afford the appetizer, not the full meal. They've built a solid core through smart Draft picks and savvy free agent signings, but don't ask them to compete with the big dogs. Their weapon? Chemistry. And a coach who turns lead into gold. Well, bronze. Okay, silver on a good day.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
82-127 (L)
Historical Jesus begins their shift on the arena! A social activist starting the their protest banner shift!
Bad Bunny just barely misses! Close as a rapper getting the fiery bars almost right!
Hulk with the backcourt violation! This certified GOAT candidate under too much pressure!
Historical Jesus, this combo guard, lets the shooter get free from mid-range! Costly lapse!
Bad Bunny, this All-Star caliber talent, barks at the teammate! Tendency to force bad shots taking over!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Bad Bunny to massage his thighs. Did you know Bad Bunny entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
Jimmy Butler forces a euro-step from way beyond the arc! This established player trying too hard!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Jesus Christ stumbles! The fatigue is real after the contest!
This guy with rings on every finger Hulk dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Jimmy Butler slams the rock in frustration! Injury-prone body on full display!
Jesus Christ wipes a tear! A messiah who poured everything into the effort!
Historical Jesus clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Hulk fidgets with his wristband nervously. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
112-106 (W)
Opening possession for Bad Bunny! First touch, like first touch of their hot mic!
Hulk with the crafty double-clutch layup! Scary good handles on display!
Jesus Christ, this versatile guy, contests without fouling! Clean as a whistle!
Historical Jesus leads the break! Leading the charge like a social activist who runs the show!
Jimmy Butler fades away to the right spot! That dawg mentality off-ball movement!
Break! Jimmy Butler rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Exclusive info: Jimmy Butler is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
Hulk, this tweener, glides to back to the basket for a silky floater!
The announcer calls Jesus Christ 'The messiah!' the venue roars its approval!
Jimmy Butler, this beanpole, repositions on defense! An off-the-charts basketball IQ collective effort!
The stadium knows it! Jesus Christ is special! This guy with rings on every finger writing legacy!
Bad Bunny wraps up with a double-double! Double duty: their hot mic and the basketball!
Jimmy Butler and Bad Bunny slap each other's butts. Jesus Christ declines the invitation. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
97-118 (L)
Tip-off! Jimmy Butler gets us started! Let's go!
Historical Jesus sends it wide! Their protest banner wouldn't forgive that either!
Turnover by Bad Bunny! Spitting the fiery bars requires less coordination, clearly!
Bad Bunny gets blown by! Even a rapper couldn't stop that!
This dude putting the league on notice Jimmy Butler with a beautiful euro-step driving to the hoop! Poetry in motion!
The players head to the locker room. Historical Jesus is sweating like a racehorse. Exclusive: historical Jesus was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Bad Bunny pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The rapper in them is showing!
Historical Jesus shoots an air ball in palpable tension! A social activist lost in the noise!
Hulk adapts to the coverage! Adaptive as a scientist with the hidden truth!
Hulk drags their feet! Heavy as their lab notebook at the end of a shift!
Bad Bunny walks off in defeat! Even a rapper's skills couldn't save tonight!
Jimmy Butler lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Jesus Christ holds his in. Evening confession: I'm wearing Jimmy Butler's jersey under my shirt. For morale. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
88-104 (L)
Historical Jesus, this solid build, sets the tone immediately! Scary good handles from the jump!
Hulk misfires! The scientist's precision with the hidden truth is nowhere to be found!
Jimmy Butler coughs up the basketball! Defense that's basically a suggestion strikes again in transition!
Hulk gets crossed over! This basketball god left frozen from way beyond the arc!
Jesus Christ just treated the leather way they treat the game. A sky hook, bang!
End of the first act. Bad Bunny is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Anecdote: Bad Bunny fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
This household name Hulk gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Jesus Christ rattles in and out! The game never teases a messiah like that!
Jimmy Butler uses the hesitation dribble! Iron discipline creating separation!
This guy with rings on every finger Hulk can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
This world-class player Bad Bunny congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this world-class player.
Bad Bunny's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Jimmy Butler hides his eyes under a towel. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Jimmy Butler. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
105-115 (L)
Jesus Christ launches with energy from the opening whistle! This living legend locked in!
Hulk bobbles and misses! Fumbling the Wilson like it's a Monday morning!
Jimmy Butler, this beanpole, gets stripped from the left corner! Occasional mental lapses exposed!
Jesus Christ gets caught flat-footed! This global icon beaten to the spot!
Jimmy Butler knocks down a pull-up jumper along the baseline! Ice in the veins!
Halftime. The doctor examines Jesus Christ's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Fun fact: Jesus Christ got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
Historical Jesus drives and kicks the stanchion! This player on the come-up losing composure!
Bad Bunny forces up an off-balance shot over the defense! Limited stamina! Bad decision!
Hulk runs the offense! Running it like a scientist runs the show!
Jimmy Butler, this dude putting the league on notice, sucking wind after that sprint! This ball game of battle!
Jimmy Butler walks off in silence. This legit talent gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Jimmy Butler snaps at the bench on his way out. Jesus Christ says nothing, but his look says everything. Tonight I had a revelation: Jesus Christ runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
96-105 (L)
Bad Bunny steps onto the palace of hoops! From spitting the fiery bars to this, game time!
Historical Jesus fires and misses at the buzzer. Should have stuck with the social injustice!
Historical Jesus, this combo guard, gets the ball poked away! Ego the size of Texas when protecting the rock!
Bad Bunny beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the fiery bars slipping from a rapper!
A layup from downtown by Jimmy Butler! This titan with the long range!
Halftime! Jimmy Butler walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Confession: Jimmy Butler calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.
This player on the come-up Jimmy Butler throws an elbow in frustration! Injury-prone body on full display!
Hulk can't find the range! Their lab notebook has better accuracy than that!
Hulk reads the defense perfectly! Next-level basketball IQ and a sky-high basketball IQ!
Jimmy Butler, this giant, with tired legs from mid-range! Hot head slowing this dude putting the league on notice down!
This up-and-coming baller historical Jesus leaves the den with head held high. Fought to the end.
Bad Bunny lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Jesus Christ decides not to comment. Behind the scenes, I learned Jesus Christ was also a messiah in a past life. You can feel it in the game. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
90-127 (L)
Jimmy Butler, this player making noise, draws first blood! A hook shot to start!
Hulk misfires driving to the hoop! Even this household name has off nights!
Bad Bunny dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the rapper's finest moment!
Jimmy Butler lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this seasoned vet fooled!
This dude putting the league on notice Jimmy Butler fouls hard out of frustration! Lack of consistency showing!
The players head in. Hulk slips on the wet tunnel floor. Fun fact: Hulk tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
Jimmy Butler, this beanpole, gets stuffed trying a sky hook! Denied!
Hulk tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a scientist's energy for the hidden truth!
This reliable star Bad Bunny with turnover number buckets! Tendency to force bad shots is piling up!
Jesus Christ looks to the heavens! A messiah praying for their bare hands to work!
This household name Hulk shakes hands and moves on. In the end, limited stamina proved costly.
Jimmy Butler stares at his hands like he doesn't recognize them. Jesus Christ exhales. Again. And again. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
91-99 (L)
Hulk comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the scientist means business!
Jesus Christ can't convert! The messiah's touch with the game deserted them!
Bad Bunny with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the fiery bars!
Historical Jesus gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the social injustice on a rough day!
A reverse layup from Hulk in the paint! That's a statement right there!
Halftime! Historical Jesus looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Small detail: historical Jesus whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.
Historical Jesus storms to the bench! This next-level player is visibly upset!
Jesus Christ misfires again! Having the game-shaped night!
Bad Bunny executes a quick ball-movement offense perfectly! Precision learned as a rapper!
Bad Bunny is cramping up! This franchise guy trying to shake it off! Lack of consistency!
Historical Jesus had the chances but couldn't convert. This up-and-coming baller left wanting.
Hulk refuses Minnesota Ice-Wall's handshake. Historical Jesus offers a limp one with just his fingertips. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
103-115 (L)
This next-level player Jimmy Butler gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Hulk, this global icon, sends the orange wide! The touch is off tonight!
Hulk trips up in beyond the arc! A scientist never trips at work... Right?
Historical Jesus gets screened out! Stuck behind their protest banner like it's a wall!
Hulk muscles through for an off-balance shot! The strength of a scientist moving the hidden truth!
Back to the locker room. Hulk's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. The staff told me Hulk sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Jimmy Butler glares at the scoreboard! This name that's buzzing not happy with the situation!
Jesus Christ, this solid build, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Hot head!
This guy with a proven track record Jimmy Butler calls the audible! Changed the play and it works!
Jesus Christ digs deep! Deep as a messiah digs into the game!
Jimmy Butler sits alone on the bench. This respected competitor processing the defeat.
Bad Bunny rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Hulk picks up his own and folds it carefully. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
86-109 (L)
Hulk gets the starting nod! A scientist starting with their lab notebook confidence!
Bad Bunny misfires on the floater! Too much float, the rapper touch abandoned them!
Jimmy Butler posts up the Wilson right to the defense! Costly mistake by this name that's buzzing!
Bad Bunny, this solid build, fouls unnecessarily at the top of the key! Tendency to rush!
What a play by Hulk! A layup in transition! This once-in-a-lifetime player is cooking!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Hulk asks for an ice pack. Juicy intel: Hulk turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
Hulk, this solid build, pounds the scorer's table! Injury-prone body on full display!
This undisputed superstar Jesus Christ whiffs on a pull-up jumper! The crowd groans!
This household name Hulk attacks the closeout! Driving past the over-eager defender!
Historical Jesus jogs instead of sprints! Conserving energy for fighting the social injustice tomorrow!
Bad Bunny consoles teammates! The heart of a rapper in that moment!
Bad Bunny collapses into the first available chair. Hulk stays standing, eyes glazed over. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
94-118 (L)
This global icon Jesus Christ comes out aggressive! Opens with a two-handed slam at the top of the key!
A step-back three from Bad Bunny goes in and out! Heartbreaking off the pick and roll!
Bad Bunny with the careless pass! Spitting the fiery bars with more care, please!
Jesus Christ loses the screen battle! Hot head around the picks!
Hulk, this once-in-a-lifetime player, threads the needle for a pull-up jumper facing the rim!
Halftime whistle! Jesus Christ grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. I've been told Jesus Christ once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
Historical Jesus shoots the towel! This player making noise showing hot head!
Historical Jesus penetrates but the shot rims out! Ego the size of Texas rears its ugly head!
Jesus Christ plays the chess match! Outsmarted them like a messiah on their best day!
Bad Bunny is gassed! This top-tier talent bent over at half court! Lack of consistency catching up!
Bad Bunny refuses to make excuses! A rapper owns the fiery bars failures too!
Jesus Christ looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Historical Jesus looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
88-133 (L)
Hulk takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Historical Jesus pulls up but it's well off! Limited stamina under fatigue!
Jesus Christ gets picked! A messiah getting the game stolen in broad daylight!
Historical Jesus gambles for the steal and pays the price! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Bad Bunny slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a rapper hits the workbench!
Cut! Halftime. Jimmy Butler's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Anecdote: Jimmy Butler fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
Historical Jesus misses the triple! Three-pointers aren't like triple-checking the social injustice!
Historical Jesus plays through exhaustion! The endurance of fighting the social injustice daily!
This hooper's hooper Jimmy Butler loses concentration and the basketball with it!
Bad Bunny, this smooth operator, waves off the play call! Occasional mental lapses hurting the team!
Bad Bunny leaves the field house with dignity! The dignity of a rapper with their hot mic!
Jesus Christ pulls his cap down over his eyes. Jimmy Butler doesn't have a cap, and it shows. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
80-124 (L)
This player making noise Jimmy Butler means business! Fast start from mid-range!
Historical Jesus can't buy a shot! Wouldn't happen with the social injustice, a social activist always hits!
Hulk explodes carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Hulk watches them score! Just watching, like watching their lab notebook gather dust!
Jesus Christ shakes their head! A messiah who can't believe that just happened!
Time to breathe. Hulk has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Confession: Hulk calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Bad Bunny misses the open look! A rapper never misses the fiery bars... But misses the pill!
Hulk short-arms the shot from fatigue! This undisputed superstar has nothing left!
Historical Jesus throws it away! A pass worse than a social activist tossing the social injustice!
Bad Bunny throws their hands up! Like a rapper when their hot mic breaks!
This dude putting the league on notice Jimmy Butler tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Jimmy Butler stares at the floor while Jesus Christ mutters something inaudible under his breath. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
76-120 (L)
Game time! Bad Bunny and this guy everybody knows ready to put on a show at the field house!
Historical Jesus forces a bad deep three! This name that's buzzing needs to trust teammates!
Jesus Christ forces the pass! Forcing their bare hands where it doesn't fit!
Bad Bunny gets screened out of the play! This reliable star lost in traffic!
Historical Jesus goes to work away from the huddle! This well-respected player in a dark place mentally!
Cut! Halftime. Jimmy Butler's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Fun fact: Jimmy Butler blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
Jesus Christ misses the layup! Even the game would have gone in easier!
Hulk, this certified GOAT candidate, with the tired turnover! Legs and mind fatigued!
Bad Bunny coughs it up! A rapper's grip doesn't work on the pill!
This top-tier talent Bad Bunny stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Bad Bunny vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their hot mic reinforced with the fiery bars!
Jimmy Butler walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Hulk drags one foot after the other. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
79-124 (L)
Bad Bunny lands the first pull-up jumper! First blood! The rapper strikes first!
Hulk misses! Even a scientist can't fix that shot!
Jimmy Butler, this beanpole, steps out of bounds with the basketball! Mental lapse!
Bad Bunny gets posterized! A rapper framed by their hot mic in the worst way!
Jesus Christ can't hide the frustration! Their bare hands frustration meets the Wilson frustration!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Hulk asks for an ice pack. Did you know Hulk started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.
Jesus Christ, this global icon, pulls the trigger in the paint but no luck!
Hulk soldiers on! The soldier who discovers the hidden truth with their lab notebook!
Jimmy Butler, this long boy, fumbles the entry pass from the right corner!
Historical Jesus storms to the bench! Heated! This social activist doesn't handle losing well!
Bad Bunny sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a rapper after their hot mic broke!
Jimmy Butler lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Jesus Christ holds his in. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
My Team finishes #16 (1W-14L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jimmy Butler.
Season journal
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