My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇦🇺
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 5 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Get comfortable because tonight, we are about to witness something special. I can feel it. It's in the air, it's in the eyes, it's in the low rumble of 20,000 people who know they're about to live through a moment. The franchise about to step onto this court has seen it all, lived it all: legendary triple-doubles, buzzer-beating heartbreaks, 15-point fourth-quarter comebacks, and losses that shatter careers. But they're here, still and always, with that burning desire to tear everything apart. The team with no name, baby! The real reason this building is at capacity? It's him. Kai Cenat. The man. The beast. The man is massive, and not an ounce of fat, all lean muscle and raw talent. This dude was put on Earth to play basketball, there's no other explanation. Watch him move on the court and it's like watching a predator in the savanna: every movement is calculated, every step is perfect, and when he decides to strike, it's already too late for the defender. Nature built a monster, and we're lucky enough to watch him play tonight. The scary thing is that the more pressure rises, the more he rises with it. Fourth quarter, down by three, the opposing coach screaming, the crowd roaring... And he just shrugs, takes the ball, and nails a step-back three over three defenders draped all over him like it's a Tuesday morning shootaround drill. This is the kind of player you don't just build a team around, you build an era around him. And tonight, that era begins. Attention, things are about to get serious. Actually no, things are about to go completely off the rails. The front office signed Payne Haas. The man is a rugby league player. Yes, you heard that right. A rugby league player. On a basketball court. With their league jersey in his gym bag and zero understanding of what a pick-and-roll is. The coach says it's a "bet on raw athleticism" but between us, I'm pretty sure he lost a poker bet. Payne Haas had his first practice yesterday and asked if the free throw line was home plate. The teammates are dying laughing, the fans don't know whether to cry or applaud, and the GM was spotted updating his resume on LinkedIn. Budget-wise, we're in the "checked the couch cushions to fund the last contract" category. Seriously, there are high school programs with better catering. The owner watches every dollar like it's his last, and the GM negotiates trades with the anxiety of a guy haggling at a flea market. But paradoxically, that might be their strength: when you've got nothing to lose, you play free. And sometimes, freedom works miracles on the hardwood.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
77-122 (L)
And we're underway! Donald Trump touches the rock first! This hall-of-fame lock looks eager!
An off-balance shot by Payne Haas from downtown is way off! Tough night for this diamond in the rough!
Donald Trump loses the Spalding in traffic! This hall-of-fame lock can't afford that!
DK Metcalf reacts too late to rotate! Heavy feet on the help side!
DK Metcalf, this do-it-all player, throws the hands up! Exasperated driving to the hoop!
The players disappear into the tunnel. LaVar Ball asks for an ice pack. Bus driver's confession: LaVar Ball raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
Air ball from Donald Trump! Being an investor doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Donald Trump stumbles on the play! Stumbling like an investor over the next venture!
Intercepted! Kai Cenat's pass snatched right out of the air! A streamer would never be that careless!
LaVar Ball, this total unknown, refuses to high-five! Hot head hurting the chemistry!
Kai Cenat takes off past the media. This respected competitor not in the mood to talk.
Kai Cenat pulls his cap down over his eyes. LaVar Ball doesn't have a cap, and it shows. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
98-99 (L)
The game begins and LaVar Ball is ready! You can see silky smooth technique written all over his face!
This name that's buzzing Kai Cenat with a beautiful devastating dunk under the basket! Poetry in motion!
This who-is-this-guy player Payne Haas commits the and-one foul! Sometimes predictable game in positioning!
LaVar Ball explodes but the shot rims out! Hot head rears its ugly head!
This dude out of nowhere DK Metcalf with the three-point play! Comeback special along the baseline!
Halftime whistle. Donald Trump has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. Intel: Donald Trump asked Miami Heart-Attack for their energy drink recipe. They refused. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
LaVar Ball penetrates and bricks it! Shaky emotions under pressure in the extra period!
Donald Trump, this tweener, sits down hard on the bench! Injury-prone body written all over his face!
The arc of this game bends toward Payne Haas! This raw talent controlling destiny!
Payne Haas, this swiss-army-knife type, gets blocked in the clutch! A clutch steal denies this surprise package!
This guy with a proven track record Kai Cenat stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this guy with a proven track record wanted.
Payne Haas's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. LaVar Ball breathes through his nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
99-107 (L)
Payne Haas fires up the crowd to open the game! This guy nobody was talking about starting strong!
DK Metcalf, this swiss-army-knife type, gets the look at the buzzer but the lid's on the rim!
Turnover by Kai Cenat! Entertaining the live chat requires less coordination, clearly!
Donald Trump, this smooth operator, gets blown by on the perimeter! Defense that's basically a suggestion in the legs!
DK Metcalf, this newcomer, operates at the top of the key with a bucket! Clinic!
Back in the locker room, DK Metcalf sits down and stares at the ceiling. Intel: DK Metcalf asked Orlando Magic-Beans for their energy drink recipe. They refused. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
Donald Trump, this solid build, waves off the play call! Defense that's basically a suggestion hurting the team!
DK Metcalf, this solid build, gets the separation but can't finish! Ego the size of Texas!
DK Metcalf, this solid build, posts up the smaller defender! Mismatch hunting!
Kai Cenat waves for a timeout! The streamer needs the live chat break!
Kai Cenat tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we entertains better, like the live chat!'
DK Metcalf lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Payne Haas decides not to comment. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
79-123 (L)
Kai Cenat steps onto the arena! From entertaining the live chat to this, game time!
LaVar Ball posts up the Spalding into the front rim! That's frustrating for this diamond in the rough!
LaVar Ball, this beanpole, gets called for the carry! Lack of consistency in ball-handling!
Donald Trump gets blown by! Even an investor couldn't stop that!
Payne Haas storms to the bench! This who-is-this-guy player is visibly upset!
Off to the locker room. Kai Cenat has already drained two water bottles. Rumor has it Kai Cenat has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Payne Haas sends it long! Too much power, not enough finesse from this rugby league player!
LaVar Ball is running on pure willpower! This dude out of nowhere refusing to quit!
This newcomer LaVar Ball with turnover number lengths ahead! Shaky emotions under pressure is piling up!
This dude out of nowhere DK Metcalf fouls hard out of frustration! Ego the size of Texas showing!
LaVar Ball dribbles to the tunnel in disappointment. This total unknown will learn from this.
Payne Haas refuses Philadelphia Injury-Report's handshake. DK Metcalf offers a limp one with just his fingertips. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
94-121 (L)
This dark horse DK Metcalf opens the scoring! A scoop layup! Early advantage!
A bank shot attempt by Payne Haas falls short! Tendency to force bad shots in the legs!
Donald Trump with a wild pass that sails out! This all-time great giving it away!
LaVar Ball, this 7-footer, gets dunked on off the pick and roll! Poster material!
Donald Trump takes off with the precision of an investor at work. And it's a euro-step!
Halftime. Donald Trump wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Juicy intel: Donald Trump turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
This dude out of nowhere LaVar Ball slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
This dark horse LaVar Ball throws up a prayer in the paint! Not answered!
Payne Haas spaces the floor perfectly! Great read of the system!
Payne Haas, this hidden prospect, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
Kai Cenat sits alone on the bench. This solid pro processing the defeat.
Kai Cenat's gaze is cold, distant. DK Metcalf's gaze is hot, angry. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
88-132 (L)
This player nobody saw coming LaVar Ball catches the leather early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Payne Haas misses the free throw! Charging the defensive line under pressure is easier!
This potential breakout star LaVar Ball dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Payne Haas gets crossed over! This rising star left frozen from mid-range!
DK Metcalf mouths off and picks up a T! Defense that's basically a suggestion taking over!
Players head to the locker room. DK Metcalf has tape on three fingers. Confession: DK Metcalf believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
LaVar Ball, this colossus, gets stuffed trying a devastating dunk! Denied!
DK Metcalf asks for the ball to slow the pace! This hungry young player needs air!
Payne Haas steps back carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
LaVar Ball slams the orange in frustration! Sometimes predictable game on full display!
Payne Haas reflects on what could have been. Hot head the difference tonight.
DK Metcalf bites the inside of his cheek. Kai Cenat pinches the bridge of his nose. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
89-116 (L)
DK Metcalf steps back onto the floor! The crowd roars for this hungry young player!
LaVar Ball misses the open look! This who-is-this-guy player can't believe it! Tendency to force bad shots!
Donald Trump with the careless pass! Bankrolling the next venture with more care, please!
DK Metcalf overcommits and gets beat! Tendency to force bad shots when reading the play!
DK Metcalf, this surprise package, sinks a catch-and-shoot triple with surgical precision on the low block!
Cut! Halftime. Payne Haas's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Exclusive info: Payne Haas is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
This total unknown DK Metcalf hangs the head after the miss! Deflated from the left corner!
Brick! Payne Haas misfires driving to the hoop! Defense that's basically a suggestion at the worst time!
LaVar Ball fades away the ball out of the trap! Natural-born leadership under pressure!
LaVar Ball is gassed! This potential breakout star bent over at half court! Injury-prone body catching up!
Kai Cenat fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the streamer gave everything!
Kai Cenat walks in slow motion, arms dangling. LaVar Ball speeds up. Wants it to be over. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
88-132 (L)
LaVar Ball dribbles with energy from the opening whistle! This raw talent locked in!
LaVar Ball with a wild attempt! This total unknown not finding the range tonight!
This potential GOAT Donald Trump forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Kai Cenat, this all-around player, can't keep up with the speed! Injury-prone body exposed!
LaVar Ball can't mask the disappointment! This rising star wearing it on the sleeve!
Break time. Kai Cenat bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Exclusive info: Kai Cenat is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
Payne Haas, this unknown gem, sends the pill wide! The touch is off tonight!
Kai Cenat misses from fatigue! This league veteran can't get the elevation in the paint!
DK Metcalf throws it away! Sometimes predictable game under pressure at the buzzer!
Payne Haas mutters to himself walking back! This dude out of nowhere fighting inner demons!
This who-is-this-guy player LaVar Ball congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this who-is-this-guy player.
Kai Cenat pushes away the reporter's microphone with a gesture. LaVar Ball takes the interview and says 'not tonight'. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
78-123 (L)
Payne Haas locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a rugby league player who means business!
Payne Haas misfires from downtown! This dark horse searching for answers!
Kai Cenat loses the ball! A streamer would never be this careless!
DK Metcalf, this smooth operator, lets the shooter get free from the right corner! Costly lapse!
Donald Trump shakes their head! An investor who can't believe that just happened!
Halftime whistle. Kai Cenat high-fives his teammates on the way out. Little secret: Kai Cenat has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Payne Haas can't buy a bucket! Maybe the defensive line would be easier to aim!
DK Metcalf grabs the shorts! This guy nobody was talking about is running on fumes!
Donald Trump with the errant pass! This basketball god needs to settle down!
This household name Donald Trump shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Kai Cenat vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their streaming rig reinforced with the live chat!
Donald Trump has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Kai Cenat has aged ten years in forty minutes. Tonight I learned Donald Trump used to be a streamer before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
82-127 (L)
LaVar Ball, this big fella, is introduced and the arena explodes! This surprise package is in the building!
Donald Trump, this guy with rings on every finger, comes up empty! A step-back three off target from way beyond the arc!
Donald Trump botches the handoff! Even their portfolio ledger exchanges go smoother!
LaVar Ball gets caught flat-footed! This potential breakout star beaten to the spot!
Donald Trump glares at the ball! Like it personally betrayed this investor!
Back to the locker room. Payne Haas's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. They say Payne Haas has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
LaVar Ball can't buy a bucket! Another miss off the pick and roll! Frustrating!
Donald Trump grabs the jersey for air! Needs more air than their portfolio ledger in the workshop!
Kai Cenat trips up in the low post! A streamer never trips at work... Right?
Kai Cenat drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a streamer's spirit has limits!
DK Metcalf walks off in silence. This potential breakout star gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Kai Cenat walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. LaVar Ball drags one foot after the other. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
82-126 (L)
DK Metcalf, this newcomer, draws first blood! A free throw to start!
Payne Haas misses the open look! A rugby league player never misses the defensive line... But misses the damn ball!
Payne Haas throws it away! A pass worse than a rugby league player tossing the defensive line!
LaVar Ball gives up the back door! Sometimes predictable game when overplaying!
Payne Haas walks away muttering! Muttering about the defensive line under their breath!
The players head to the locker room. Kai Cenat is sweating like a racehorse. Little secret: Kai Cenat watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
LaVar Ball dunks the Wilson into nothing! Tendency to rush on full display tonight!
This hungry young player LaVar Ball calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Hot head taking its toll!
Kai Cenat loses possession! The live chat never leaves a streamer's hands like that!
Payne Haas kicks the air! The frustration of a rugby league player who knows they can do better!
Donald Trump had the chances but couldn't convert. This certified GOAT candidate left wanting.
LaVar Ball punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. Payne Haas slides down the wall to the floor. I got a text from LaVar Ball after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
84-129 (L)
This established player Kai Cenat comes out aggressive! Opens with a sky hook driving to the hoop!
A bank shot from DK Metcalf hits the iron! Limited stamina under the spotlight!
This guy nobody was talking about Payne Haas gets pickpocketed driving to the hoop! Sloppy handling!
Kai Cenat gets posterized! A streamer framed by their streaming rig in the worst way!
Donald Trump, this solid build, pounds the scorer's table! Defense that's basically a suggestion on full display!
Halftime. The doctor examines Kai Cenat's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Little secret: Kai Cenat watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. Break's over, the players take their positions.
Off the mark for Donald Trump! Great investor, not so great at basketball tonight!
This hungry young player LaVar Ball is a warrior but the body says no! The 4 periods of 12 minutes of war!
This potential breakout star Payne Haas with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Payne Haas shoots and kicks the stanchion! This hidden prospect losing composure!
DK Metcalf, this newcomer, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Kai Cenat stares at his hands like he doesn't recognize them. LaVar Ball exhales. Again. And again. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
87-131 (L)
Opening possession for Payne Haas! First touch, like first touch of their league jersey!
Kai Cenat misfires on the floater! Too much float, the streamer touch abandoned them!
Donald Trump throws it into the stands! What was that from this absolute legend!
Payne Haas can't stay in front! Charging the defensive line doesn't build lateral quickness!
Kai Cenat gets a technical for complaining! Defense that's basically a suggestion on full display!
Halftime! DK Metcalf checks his stats on the board and winces. They say DK Metcalf has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
DK Metcalf rushes a two-handed slam from downtown! Shaky emotions under pressure creeping in!
Payne Haas takes the rest play! Even a rugby league player needs a breather!
DK Metcalf, this solid build, gets the ball poked away! Defense that's basically a suggestion when protecting the Spalding!
Payne Haas throws their hands up! Like a rugby league player when their league jersey breaks!
Payne Haas takes the loss hard! Hard as the defensive line on a bad rugby league player day!
DK Metcalf's gaze is cold, distant. Donald Trump's gaze is hot, angry. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
73-118 (L)
This surprise package LaVar Ball gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
DK Metcalf forces a half-court heave driving to the hoop! This newcomer trying too hard!
Payne Haas with the lazy pass! Sometimes predictable game leading to easy points!
Kai Cenat caught flat-footed! Standing still, the streamer reflexes took a nap!
Payne Haas slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a rugby league player hits the workbench!
Both teams head to the locker room. Payne Haas wipes his forehead with his jersey. Bus driver's confession: Payne Haas raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
Donald Trump rattles it out! Shaking the venue with their portfolio ledger intensity!
Payne Haas calls for the sub! Even a rugby league player's stamina with their league jersey has limits!
Payne Haas dishes into a dead end at half court! Turnover! Ego the size of Texas!
DK Metcalf fires away angrily after the turnover! This hidden prospect spiraling!
Kai Cenat absorbs the defeat! Taking it on the chin, a streamer knows tough days!
LaVar Ball presses his forehead against the tunnel glass. Kai Cenat walks right past without noticing. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
88-132 (L)
This hungry young player LaVar Ball comes out firing! A finger roll in the first minute!
LaVar Ball forces a bad step-back three! This newcomer needs to trust teammates!
DK Metcalf, this versatile guy, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted back to the basket!
DK Metcalf gets screened out of the play! This potential breakout star lost in traffic!
This well-respected player Kai Cenat can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
The players head in. LaVar Ball slips on the wet tunnel floor. Little scoop: LaVar Ball collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
This raw talent DK Metcalf shanks a half-court heave at the buzzer! That's uncharacteristic!
DK Metcalf, this combo guard, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
DK Metcalf charges right into the defender! Turnover! Occasional mental lapses when controlling pace!
Donald Trump stares in disbelief! The look of an investor who just lost everything!
This who-is-this-guy player LaVar Ball shakes hands and moves on. In the end, shaky emotions under pressure proved costly.
Payne Haas walks toward the tunnel without a word. Kai Cenat stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Kai Cenat. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Kai Cenat.
Season journal
💬 💬 Comments & Suggestions (0)
💭
No comments yet. Be the first to share your opinion!
.jpg%3Fwidth%3D150&w=150)