My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇦🇺
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Denver Horse-Track | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 11 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. The team with no name, baby! The real reason this building is at capacity? It's him. Hulk. The man. The beast. The man is massive, and not an ounce of fat, all lean muscle and raw talent. This dude was put on Earth to play basketball, there's no other explanation. Watch him move on the court and it's like watching a predator in the savanna: every movement is calculated, every step is perfect, and when he decides to strike, it's already too late for the defender. Nature built a monster, and we're lucky enough to watch him play tonight. His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket. And now, the moment nobody was waiting for but everybody is going to love: the coach signed Genghis Khan. The man is a military leader. A freaking military leader. In a league where everybody is 6'8" and runs a 4.4 forty, he rolls up with battle standard and a suspicious amount of enthusiasm. His first instinct walking into the locker room? Ask where the coffee machine was. His second instinct? Try to dribble and bounce the ball straight into his own face. The teammates lost it. The coach just said "that's the kind of grit I was looking for." We still don't know if he was serious or completely hammered. Let's talk money. We'll keep it short because there ain't any. The budget is so low that the equipment manager also does the accounting, the post-game spread is leftover Domino's on discount, and the last free agent who toured the facility ran for the hills. But damn it, these guys don't care. They play with the fury of men who have everything to prove and nothing to lose. This is the most dangerous team in the league, not because they're good, but because they don't give a single damn about losing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
85-129 (L)
Jesus Christ starts in the point guard! Playing the point guard the way a messiah plays with their bare hands!
A euro-step from Hulk hits the iron! Heavy feet under the spotlight!
Godzilla coughs up the rock! Shaky emotions under pressure strikes again from the right corner!
Hulk scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Ego the size of Texas!
King Kong, this certified bucket, yells at the coaching staff! Ego the size of Texas causing friction!
End of the second quarter. Genghis Khan is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. The staff told me Genghis Khan sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
Genghis Khan, this generational talent, pulls the trigger along the baseline but no luck!
Jesus Christ is running on fumes! The messiah tank is completely empty!
King Kong steps back the pill right to the defense! Costly mistake by this bonafide star!
King Kong, this all-around player, throws the hands up! Exasperated on the low block!
Jesus Christ packs up and heads out! Packing their bare hands, unpacking emotions!
King Kong clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Jesus Christ fidgets with his wristband nervously. Behind the scenes, I learned Jesus Christ was also a messiah in a past life. You can feel it in the game. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
85-129 (L)
And we're underway! Godzilla touches the rock first! This jersey-selling name looks eager!
Jesus Christ can't hit from the right wing! That zone is cursed for this messiah!
Jesus Christ double-dribbles! Competing the game doesn't have that rule!
Godzilla gambles for the steal and pays the price! Heavy feet!
Jesus Christ pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The messiah in them is showing!
Halftime whistle. Hulk has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. Quick anecdote about Hulk: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Jesus Christ shoots but the shot rims out! Limited stamina rears its ugly head!
King Kong is gassed! This world-class player bent over at half court! Tendency to force bad shots catching up!
Sloppy handling by Jesus Christ! Competing the game is done with more finesse!
This big-name player King Kong throws an elbow in frustration! Ego the size of Texas on full display!
This absolute legend Hulk shakes hands and moves on. In the end, ego the size of Texas proved costly.
Jesus Christ's eyes are glassy. Hulk mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
84-128 (L)
Hulk steps onto the palace of hoops! From discoverring the hidden truth to this, game time!
Jesus Christ misses! Even a messiah can't fix that shot!
King Kong charges right into the defender! Turnover! Injury-prone body when controlling pace!
Genghis Khan bites on the fake! Fooled like a military leader by counterfeit the war front!
Hulk spins and kicks the stanchion! This generational talent losing composure!
Halftime. Godzilla throws his towel on the floor walking in. Did you know Godzilla plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
King Kong, this combo guard, gets the look at half court but the lid's on the rim!
Jesus Christ crosses over but the legs won't cooperate! Injury-prone body catching up!
Jesus Christ with a wild pass that sails out! This franchise cornerstone giving it away!
King Kong, this swiss-army-knife type, pounds the scorer's table! Ego the size of Texas on full display!
Jesus Christ wipes a tear! A messiah who poured everything into the effort!
Godzilla walks head down toward the tunnel. Hulk drags his feet behind, shoulders slumped. Evening confession: I'm wearing Godzilla's jersey under my shirt. For morale. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
88-133 (L)
This hall-of-fame lock Hulk gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
This hall-of-fame lock Hulk throws up a prayer back to the basket! Not answered!
This elite player King Kong forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
This big-name player Godzilla fouls reaching in! Defense that's basically a suggestion on defense!
This All-Star caliber talent King Kong shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Halftime. Jesus Christ glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Little secret: Jesus Christ watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
Hulk pulls up the pill into the front rim! That's frustrating for this household name!
King Kong bends over during the dead ball! This guy everybody knows gathering what's left!
King Kong, this smooth operator, commits the travel! Injury-prone body in the footwork!
Jesus Christ stares in disbelief! The look of a messiah who just lost everything!
King Kong fades away to the tunnel in disappointment. This top-tier talent will learn from this.
Godzilla slams his fist on the bench. Hulk places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
79-124 (L)
Tip-off! King Kong gets us started! Let's go!
Genghis Khan rises up but overcooks it! Injury-prone body showing up again!
King Kong penetrates into a dead end driving to the hoop! Turnover! Limited stamina!
Hulk loses the screen battle! Ego the size of Texas around the picks!
Jesus Christ gets a technical for complaining! Ego the size of Texas on full display!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Godzilla to massage his thighs. Did you know? Godzilla once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Jesus Christ shoots short! Not enough juice! Even a messiah would cringe!
Jesus Christ is spent! Used up like the game after a messiah's long day!
Godzilla, this swiss-army-knife type, steps out of bounds with the rock! Mental lapse!
Hulk mouths off and picks up a T! Heavy feet taking over!
Godzilla, this versatile guy, trudges off the temple of basketball. Lessons to take from this one.
Genghis Khan stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Hulk comes back to get him. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
81-125 (L)
The game begins and King Kong is ready! You can see an unmatched feel for the game written all over his face!
Jesus Christ can't connect! Their bare hands in hand, sure. The pill through the hoop, nope!
This max-contract guy King Kong dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Godzilla gets burned on the drive! Hot head in lateral movement!
This basketball god Hulk fouls hard out of frustration! Heavy feet showing!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Godzilla to massage his thighs. Little secret: Godzilla has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Godzilla, this solid build, bobbles the Wilson and the chance evaporates at half court!
Hulk is dead on their feet! Running on fumes, the scientist is spent!
This guy everybody knows King Kong loses concentration and the ball with it!
Genghis Khan slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a military leader hits the workbench!
Godzilla reflects on what could have been. Tendency to force bad shots the difference tonight.
Godzilla leaves the court at a jog. Genghis Khan stays there, planted at center court, motionless. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
86-130 (L)
Game time! Jesus Christ and this first-ballot legend ready to put on a show at the palace of hoops!
This household name Hulk puts up a devastating dunk but it won't fall! Off night!
Jesus Christ trips up in the perimeter! A messiah never trips at work... Right?
Hulk, this do-it-all player, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over sometimes predictable game!
This world-class player King Kong stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Halftime. Godzilla's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Rumor has it Godzilla talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
Godzilla, this certified bucket, fumbles the finish at the buzzer! Back to the drawing board!
Jesus Christ stumbles on the play! Stumbling like a messiah over the game!
Jesus Christ turns it over in the free-throw line! Butterfingers from this messiah!
Godzilla, this franchise guy, barks at the teammate! Limited stamina taking over!
Jesus Christ looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a messiah!
Godzilla stares at the floor while Hulk mutters something inaudible under his breath. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
80-125 (L)
This big-name player King Kong catches the leather early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
King Kong, this tweener, double-clutches and misses! Indecision from this guy everybody knows!
Jesus Christ loses the rock in traffic! This potential GOAT can't afford that!
Hulk gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the hidden truth behind their lab notebook!
Hulk storms to the bench! Heated! This scientist doesn't handle losing well!
Halftime. The doctor examines Genghis Khan's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Fun fact: Genghis Khan got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
A two-handed slam from Genghis Khan catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
King Kong is running on pure willpower! This reliable star refusing to quit!
Hulk, this smooth operator, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted at the buzzer!
Hulk fires away angrily after the turnover! This franchise cornerstone spiraling!
Jesus Christ consoles teammates! The heart of a messiah in that moment!
King Kong refuses Minnesota Ice-Wall's handshake. Hulk offers a limp one with just his fingertips. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
82-127 (L)
Godzilla, this headliner, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
King Kong, this solid build, can't finish along the baseline! That one stings!
This big-name player King Kong with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Godzilla, this swiss-army-knife type, gets dunked on from mid-range! Poster material!
Hulk walks away muttering! Muttering about the hidden truth under their breath!
The players leave the court. Godzilla clings to the tunnel railing. Fun fact: Godzilla blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
King Kong forces up a buzzer-beater over the defense! Ego the size of Texas! Bad decision!
This guy with rings on every finger Jesus Christ can barely jump! The springs are gone from the left corner!
Genghis Khan commits the live-ball turnover! The battle standard would be ashamed!
Godzilla glares at the scoreboard! This jersey-selling name not happy with the situation!
Jesus Christ pulls up past the media. This undisputed superstar not in the mood to talk.
Genghis Khan's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Jesus Christ hides his eyes under a towel. I learned that Genghis Khan's father was a messiah. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
86-131 (L)
Godzilla drives onto the floor! The crowd roars for this established star!
A free throw from Godzilla goes in and out! Heartbreaking at the buzzer!
Stolen from Jesus Christ! A messiah who let it slip through their fingers!
Genghis Khan gives up the easy bucket! Easier than rallying the war front!
Hulk mouths off at coming out of the locker room! A scientist venting about the hidden truth!
Break! Hulk rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Intel: Hulk asked Denver Horse-Track for their energy drink recipe. They refused. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
Genghis Khan, this franchise cornerstone, with a contested double-clutch layup that misses at the top of the key!
Hulk is huffing and puffing! Winded, even a scientist would call it quits!
Jesus Christ coughs it up! A messiah's grip doesn't work on the basketball!
Godzilla mutters to himself walking back! This guy everybody knows fighting inner demons!
Genghis Khan tips the cap to the winners! The military leader's grace with the war front!
Jesus Christ pulls his cap down over his eyes. Hulk doesn't have a cap, and it shows. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
78-123 (L)
Opening possession for Hulk! First touch, like first touch of their lab notebook!
A floater by King Kong at half court is way off! Tough night for this bonafide star!
Hulk turns it over in the dying seconds! A scientist dropping their lab notebook at the worst time!
This reliable star King Kong caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Genghis Khan tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the military leader will bounce back!
Halftime whistle. Genghis Khan has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. Fun fact: Genghis Khan got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Jesus Christ can't convert! The messiah's touch with the game deserted them!
Jesus Christ misses from fatigue! Tired arms from competing the game all week!
King Kong dishes carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
This big-name player King Kong can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
King Kong walks off in silence. This elite player gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Jesus Christ sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. Hulk winces. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
79-124 (L)
King Kong, this all-around player, takes the court! The sold-out gym on fire is electric!
This reliable star Godzilla whiffs on a catch-and-shoot triple! The crowd groans!
Hulk with the backcourt violation! This hall-of-fame lock under too much pressure!
Hulk gets crossed over! This first-ballot legend left frozen from the left corner!
Godzilla, this bonafide star, refuses to high-five! Heavy feet hurting the chemistry!
Halftime! King Kong checks his stats on the board and winces. Intel: King Kong once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.
Genghis Khan misses the open look! A military leader never misses the war front... But misses the Spalding!
This franchise cornerstone Jesus Christ is a warrior but the body says no! The 48 regulation minutes of war!
Intercepted! Genghis Khan's pass snatched right out of the air! A military leader would never be that careless!
King Kong, this franchise guy, with the frustrated foul! Shaky emotions under pressure in tough moments!
Hulk walks off in defeat! Even a scientist's skills couldn't save tonight!
King Kong walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Jesus Christ drags one foot after the other. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
79-123 (L)
Hulk comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the scientist means business!
Hulk whiffs on the jumper! A scientist off their game with their lab notebook!
Godzilla, this tweener, fumbles the entry pass at half court!
Hulk gets blown by! Even a scientist couldn't stop that!
Hulk slams the orange in frustration! Defense that's basically a suggestion on full display!
End of the second quarter. Genghis Khan is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. True story: Genghis Khan walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Boston Ring-Chasers. Awkward. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
A euro-step attempt by Genghis Khan falls short! Heavy feet in the legs!
King Kong, this All-Star caliber talent, is dragging! The allotted time minutes taking their toll!
Jesus Christ dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the messiah's finest moment!
Jesus Christ throws their hands up! Like a messiah when their bare hands breaks!
Genghis Khan walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to military leader life tomorrow!
Hulk hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Jesus Christ keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. I learned backstage that Jesus Christ also does messiah on weekends. That explains those reflexes. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
87-132 (L)
This certified bucket Godzilla means business! Fast start under the basket!
Godzilla misfires from the low block! This world-class player searching for answers!
This max-contract guy Godzilla gets pickpocketed from mid-range! Sloppy handling!
Hulk gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the hidden truth on a rough day!
Hulk shoots the towel! This certified GOAT candidate showing heavy feet!
The players head in. Godzilla slips on the wet tunnel floor. Confession: Godzilla tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
Genghis Khan misses the bunny! A military leader dropping the war front from point-blank!
Hulk cramps up! Muscles tight from their lab notebook and the ball double duty!
Godzilla with the lazy pass! Ego the size of Texas leading to easy points!
King Kong fades away away from the huddle! This reliable star in a dark place mentally!
Jesus Christ absorbs the defeat! Taking it on the chin, a messiah knows tough days!
Hulk takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Jesus Christ doesn't drink. Throat too tight. Tonight I had a revelation: Jesus Christ runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
84-129 (L)
Godzilla, this combo guard, sets the tone immediately! Freakish explosiveness from the jump!
Off the mark for Genghis Khan! Great military leader, not so great at basketball tonight!
This big-name player King Kong commits the offensive foul! Turnover in transition!
This reliable star Godzilla commits the and-one foul! Lack of consistency in positioning!
Jesus Christ waves off the play! The authority of a messiah in that gesture!
Well-deserved break. King Kong looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Did you know King Kong plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
King Kong misses the open look! This multi-time All-Star can't believe it! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Genghis Khan, this all-time great, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
Jesus Christ dribbles it off their foot! Their bare hands would never betray a messiah like that!
Godzilla drops the head after another miss! Hot head sapping the confidence!
This world-class player King Kong congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this world-class player.
Godzilla chews his nails on the bench. Hulk stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Hulk.
Season journal
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