My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇦🇺
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 14 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | My Team | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Alright, sit your ass down for two minutes because tonight we're not messing around, we're diving headfirst into a sold-out arena that smells like rubber and sweat, with 20,000 fans ready to lose their damn voices. We're about to relive the saga of a franchise that's seen it all: the glory years when they bulldozed the league, the dark ages when nothing went in, and the Draft-night strokes of genius that brought them back to the summit. This ain't just basketball, this is American legend carried by physical freaks who aren't here to play nice, they're here to carve their names into NBA history with psycho stat lines and rim-rattling dunks that shake the whole damn building. The team with no name, baby! Listen, I've watched hundreds of players come and go in my broadcasting career, but Michael Jordan is something else entirely. He's the kind of player who makes you jump out of your chair and scream "OH SHIT" at your TV without even realizing it. Standing at 198 cm, a wingspan like a pterodactyl, and a killer instinct that even the coaches can't explain. This man feels the game. He knows where the ball is going to land before the shot even leaves the hand. He reads passes like he's reading minds. At this level, it's not basketball anymore, it's straight-up sorcery. I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it. Alright, we need to address the elephant in the room. Or rather, the comedy show on the roster. Jack Gunston is on this team. Jack Gunston, who is an australian rules football player and doesn't even know what "pick-and-roll" means. The guy shows up with sherrin ball under his arm, shoes that are clearly not regulation, and the cardio of a weekend smoker. At his first practice, he tried a crossover and twisted his ankle. At his second, he attempted a layup and the ball flew into the stands. But damn it, what this man has is balls of steel and an ability to make an entire arena laugh without even trying. And that, my friends, is worth every max contract in the world. The budget is starting to look serious. We're no longer in the cheap seats, they've finally got a payroll that lets them look other franchises in the eye. The roster is balanced, there's talent at every position, and the bench isn't a cosmic void anymore. But they're dancing right on the luxury tax line, so every signing is an apothecary's calculation. A blockbuster trade? Possible, but something's gotta give. It's chess, and the GM is a pretty damn good player.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
81-126 (L)
Josh Giddey, this towering presence, takes the court! The incredible energy is electric!
Joanna Weston whiffs on the jumper! A netballer off their game with their bib!
Josh Giddey, this beanpole, commits the travel! Tendency to force bad shots in the footwork!
Joanna Weston left in the dust! Even a netballer moves faster than that!
Joanna Weston gets a technical for complaining! Tendency to force bad shots on full display!
Halftime whistle! Jack Gunston slides down against the hallway wall. Did you know Jack Gunston entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
Josh Giddey pulls up the ball into nothing! Shaky emotions under pressure on full display tonight!
Josh Giddey goes to work but the legs won't cooperate! Limited stamina catching up!
Kiera Austin explodes into a dead end facing the rim! Turnover! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Michael Jordan, this tree of a man, throws the hands up! Exasperated off the pick and roll!
Josh Giddey, this long boy, trudges off the venue. Lessons to take from this one.
Joanna Weston hurls her water bottle at the wall. Michael Jordan flinches but doesn't react. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
96-124 (L)
Jack Gunston takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Jack Gunston, this tweener, wastes a golden chance with a wild finger roll!
This rising star Jack Gunston commits the 5-second violation! Clock management limited stamina!
Josh Giddey gets caught flat-footed! This hooper's hooper beaten to the spot!
Jack Gunston pours it in! An australian rules football player who never wastes anything never wastes a shot!
End of the second quarter. Michael Jordan is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Anecdote: Michael Jordan tried to impress the Miami Heart-Attack players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
This global icon Michael Jordan shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Kiera Austin misfires again! Having the winning goal-shaped night!
Jack Gunston runs the offense! Running it like an australian rules football player runs the show!
Jack Gunston can barely run! The four quarters harder than the four quarters of tackling the open oval!
Josh Giddey had the chances but couldn't convert. This seasoned vet left wanting.
Michael Jordan pulls his cap down over his eyes. Kiera Austin doesn't have a cap, and it shows. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
92-126 (L)
This franchise cornerstone Michael Jordan gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Michael Jordan dribbles the rock but it won't fall! Cold streak continues!
Joanna Weston throws it out of bounds! Like launching their bib into the void!
Josh Giddey loses the screen battle! Limited stamina around the picks!
Josh Giddey, this next-level player, refuses to high-five! Tendency to force bad shots hurting the chemistry!
Halftime! Josh Giddey checks his stats on the board and winces. Physio's confession: Josh Giddey purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
Kiera Austin can't finish! The netballer who finishes the winning goal can't finish the play!
Kiera Austin, this who-is-this-guy player, with the tired turnover! Legs and mind fatigued!
Michael Jordan throws it into the stands! What was that from this generational talent!
Joanna Weston pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The netballer in them is showing!
Joanna Weston walks off in defeat! Even a netballer's skills couldn't save tonight!
Michael Jordan slams his fist on the bench. Kiera Austin places her palm flat, as if to calm the surface. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
83-113 (L)
Jack Gunston steps onto the arena! From tackling the open oval to this, game time!
A reverse layup attempt by Michael Jordan falls short! Tendency to force bad shots in the legs!
Kiera Austin throws it away! A pass worse than a netballer tossing the winning goal!
Kiera Austin gives up the back door! Occasional mental lapses when overplaying!
Joanna Weston kicks the air! The frustration of a netballer who knows they can do better!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Kiera Austin picks up the pace. True story: Kiera Austin walked into the wrong locker room during her first game against Philadelphia Injury-Report. Awkward. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
Josh Giddey takes off the damn ball awkwardly! The touch just isn't there for this hooper's hooper!
Josh Giddey, this hooper's hooper, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
This global icon Michael Jordan gets pickpocketed at the top of the key! Sloppy handling!
Jack Gunston walks away muttering! Muttering about the open oval under their breath!
Kiera Austin attacks to the tunnel in disappointment. This hidden prospect will learn from this.
Josh Giddey slams his fist on the bench. Joanna Weston places her palm flat, as if to calm the surface. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Joanna Weston. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
114-97 (W)
Josh Giddey shoots onto the floor! The crowd roars for this next-level player!
This hidden prospect Kiera Austin with a beautiful pull-up jumper off the pick and roll! Poetry in motion!
This player on the come-up Josh Giddey forces the bad pass! Iron discipline creating turnovers!
This diamond in the rough Joanna Weston orchestrates the offense off the pick and roll! Maestro!
Kiera Austin triggers the fast break! Launching the offense with netballer urgency!
Halftime whistle. Joanna Weston high-fives her teammates on the way out. I've been told Joanna Weston once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
A pull-up jumper by Joanna Weston! The building is rocking! This total unknown takeover!
The building is buzzing! Joanna Weston and an incredible energy creating magic!
Jack Gunston unites the squad with an aggressive small-ball lineup! The unifier, the australian rules football player of the open oval!
This unknown gem Joanna Weston with a performance for the ages! A live masterclass chapter!
Josh Giddey tosses the Wilson in the air! An ice-cold stare at the opposing bench! This guy with a proven track record mission accomplished!
Joanna Weston and Kiera Austin slap each other's butts. Josh Giddey declines the invitation. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
100-118 (L)
Jack Gunston gets the starting nod! An australian rules football player starting with the sherrin ball confidence!
Michael Jordan fires a pull-up jumper off the pick and roll but can't connect! Ego the size of Texas showing!
Josh Giddey with the errant pass! This player on the come-up needs to settle down!
Josh Giddey gets burned on the drive! Limited stamina in lateral movement!
Kiera Austin knocks down a buzzer-beater at the buzzer! Ice in the veins!
Back to the locker room. Jack Gunston punches his locker. Anecdote: Jack Gunston slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
Michael Jordan slams the damn ball in frustration! Limited stamina on full display!
This franchise cornerstone Michael Jordan muscles up a buzzer-beater but can't get it to fall!
Michael Jordan pushes the pace in transition! Pure God-given talent showing in every play!
Kiera Austin bends over during the dead ball! This surprise package gathering what's left!
Kiera Austin tips the cap to the winners! The netballer's grace with the winning goal!
Michael Jordan chews his nails on the bench. Joanna Weston stares at her shoes like they're the source of the problem. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
91-129 (L)
Joanna Weston stretches center court! Loosening up, the netballer is getting ready!
Jack Gunston puts up a prayer... Unanswered! Not even the sherrin ball can save that!
Josh Giddey passes to nobody! This up-and-coming baller with a head-scratching decision!
Jack Gunston can't stay in front! Tackling the open oval doesn't build lateral quickness!
Michael Jordan mouths off and picks up a T! Tendency to force bad shots taking over!
Heading in. Josh Giddey's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Did you know? Josh Giddey has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
Joanna Weston dishes the Spalding into the front rim! That's frustrating for this dark horse!
Kiera Austin, this versatile guy, looks exhausted at the top of the key! The legs are gone!
Josh Giddey coughs up the rock! Defense that's basically a suggestion strikes again at the top of the key!
Michael Jordan explodes angrily after the turnover! This franchise cornerstone spiraling!
Kiera Austin consoles teammates! The heart of a netballer in that moment!
Joanna Weston takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Michael Jordan doesn't drink. Throat too tight. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
102-120 (L)
Kiera Austin fires up the crowd to open the game! This diamond in the rough starting strong!
Michael Jordan with the off-balance pull-up jumper! This generational talent couldn't set the feet!
Michael Jordan, this 7-footer, gets stripped from downtown! Occasional mental lapses exposed!
Jack Gunston watches helplessly! An australian rules football player watching the open oval fall off the shelf!
Michael Jordan, this colossus, muscles in for a pull-up jumper! Pure power!
Break. Kiera Austin asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Did you know? Kiera Austin launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Josh Giddey, this long boy, shows negative body language! Defense that's basically a suggestion creeping in!
Joanna Weston rattles it out! Shaking the arena with their bib intensity!
Kiera Austin makes the right read! Saw it coming a mile away, true netballer!
Kiera Austin finds a second wind! The netballer engine roars back to life!
Kiera Austin vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their bib reinforced with the winning goal!
Joanna Weston stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Josh Giddey comes back to get her. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
82-126 (L)
Joanna Weston, this versatile guy, announced to huge cheers! A crowd fully behind them!
Jack Gunston can't buy a bucket! Maybe the open oval would be easier to aim!
Kiera Austin with the backcourt violation! This newcomer under too much pressure!
This dude putting the league on notice Josh Giddey fouls reaching in! Hot head on defense!
Kiera Austin, this diamond in the rough, with the frustrated foul! Tendency to rush in tough moments!
Halftime. Jack Gunston is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Did you know Jack Gunston knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Houston Blast-Off's colors. By accident, obviously. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
A thunderous slam from Josh Giddey sails wide! This well-respected player needs to regroup!
Michael Jordan, this mountain of a man, with tired legs at the top of the key! Lack of consistency slowing this guy with rings on every finger down!
Kiera Austin gets the ball stripped! The winning goal would have stayed in a netballer's grip!
Josh Giddey, this towering presence, pounds the scorer's table! Ego the size of Texas on full display!
Jack Gunston gave it everything! Everything an australian rules football player has, left on the court!
Joanna Weston's eyes are glassy. Josh Giddey mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. I learned that Joanna Weston's father was a netballer. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
94-112 (L)
This dude out of nowhere Joanna Weston in the starting lineup! Let's see what this dude out of nowhere brings!
Josh Giddey with the contested buzzer-beater at half court! No good! Bad selection!
Jack Gunston trips up in the low post! An australian rules football player never trips at work... Right?
Jack Gunston gets posterized! An australian rules football player framed by the sherrin ball in the worst way!
Michael Jordan scores at will! A fadeaway jumper at half court! This first-ballot legend domination!
The players head in. Joanna Weston slips on the wet tunnel floor. Did you know? Joanna Weston once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.
Michael Jordan spins and kicks the stanchion! This household name losing composure!
Off the mark for Kiera Austin! Great netballer, not so great at basketball tonight!
Josh Giddey spaces the floor perfectly! Great read of the system!
Joanna Weston is visibly tired! This hidden prospect needs a timeout badly!
This well-respected player Josh Giddey congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this well-respected player.
Jack Gunston's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Joanna Weston hides her eyes under a towel. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
86-131 (L)
This generational talent Michael Jordan opens the scoring! A buzzer-beater! Early advantage!
Jack Gunston gets blocked! Rejected harder than an australian rules football player's worst day on the job!
Kiera Austin turns it over in the money time! A netballer dropping their bib at the worst time!
This dark horse Kiera Austin can't recover! Scored on from mid-range! Occasional mental lapses!
Kiera Austin mutters to herself walking back! This dude out of nowhere fighting inner demons!
Halftime! Joanna Weston walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Locker room intel: Joanna Weston has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on her butt. That's commitment. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
This diamond in the rough Kiera Austin rattles it out! So close yet so far at the top of the key!
Joanna Weston drags their feet! Heavy as their bib at the end of a shift!
Joanna Weston with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the winning goal!
Joanna Weston is visibly upset! Upset as a netballer when the winning goal goes sideways!
Kiera Austin refuses to make excuses! A netballer owns the winning goal failures too!
Joanna Weston and Michael Jordan walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
102-122 (L)
Jack Gunston, this player nobody saw coming, embraces the roaring arena! Game on!
Joanna Weston misses the layup! Even the winning goal would have gone in easier!
Josh Giddey loses the leather in traffic! This legit talent can't afford that!
Kiera Austin, this versatile guy, lets the shooter get free in transition! Costly lapse!
Kiera Austin steps back the basketball with pure God-given talent. And it drops! Nothing you can do!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Jack Gunston to massage his thighs. I've been told Jack Gunston always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
Kiera Austin buries their face! Hidden from view, the netballer can't watch!
This undisputed superstar Michael Jordan shanks a reverse layup under the basket! That's uncharacteristic!
Joanna Weston reads the defense like a book! Perfect play call from this netballer!
Josh Giddey is gassed! This guy with a proven track record bent over at half court! Defense that's basically a suggestion catching up!
Michael Jordan, this living legend, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Jack Gunston lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Kiera Austin holds her in. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
87-104 (L)
Josh Giddey opens with a pull-up jumper! This up-and-coming baller making an early statement!
Michael Jordan fades away but overcooks it! Ego the size of Texas showing up again!
Sloppy handling by Joanna Weston! Scoring the winning goal is done with more finesse!
Jack Gunston gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the open oval on a rough day!
Michael Jordan, this guy with rings on every finger, drops a two-handed slam from downtown! Pure artistry!
Halftime. Kiera Austin is holding her ribs walking toward the tunnel. Physio's confession: Kiera Austin purrs when you massage her calves. Like a cat. A big cat. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Joanna Weston throws their hands up! Like a netballer when their bib breaks!
Joanna Weston heaves and misses! Should have heaved the winning goal instead!
This name that's buzzing Josh Giddey attacks the closeout! Driving past the over-eager defender!
Jack Gunston short-arms the shot from fatigue! This guy nobody was talking about has nothing left!
Joanna Weston wipes a tear! A netballer who poured everything into the effort!
Josh Giddey scratches the back of his neck nervously. Kiera Austin has the look of someone who has seen things. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
89-133 (L)
Kiera Austin starts in the sixth man! Playing the sixth man the way a netballer plays with their bib!
Michael Jordan, this generational talent, comes up empty! A half-court heave off target on the low block!
Joanna Weston forces the pass! Forcing their bib where it doesn't fit!
Michael Jordan lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this basketball god fooled!
Michael Jordan, this basketball god, yells at the coaching staff! Limited stamina causing friction!
Halftime! Jack Gunston checks his stats on the board and winces. Intel: Jack Gunston refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
Michael Jordan attacks and fires but misses everything! Limited stamina tonight!
Kiera Austin leans on their knees! Gassed, but the netballer keeps going!
This dark horse Jack Gunston forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
This franchise cornerstone Michael Jordan can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Kiera Austin packs up and heads out! Packing their bib, unpacking emotions!
Michael Jordan collapses into the first available chair. Kiera Austin stays standing, eyes glazed over. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
84-128 (L)
Michael Jordan, this undisputed superstar, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Joanna Weston misfires from under the basket! Their bib calibration needed!
Josh Giddey, this beanpole, fumbles the entry pass from way beyond the arc!
This hidden prospect Kiera Austin caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Joanna Weston drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a netballer's spirit has limits!
End of the first act. Kiera Austin is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Rumor has it Kiera Austin does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
Michael Jordan air-mails a half-court heave from the right corner! Way off for this certified GOAT candidate!
Joanna Weston stumbles on the play! Stumbling like a netballer over the winning goal!
Josh Giddey explodes the orange right to the defense! Costly mistake by this player making noise!
This hooper's hooper Josh Giddey stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Kiera Austin takes the loss hard! Hard as the winning goal on a bad netballer day!
Joanna Weston stares at the floor while Jack Gunston mutters something inaudible under his breath. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
My Team finishes #16 (1W-14L). Better luck next season! MVP: Michael Jordan.
Season journal
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