My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇦🇺

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

75-119 (L)

Full stop, full sprint, and the rugby league player is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. OHHHH, Nathan Cleary from WAY downtown off the catch! The defense rotated a half second late and paid full price.

Nobody on the bench is sitting. Not the coaches, not the trainers, not the guy in the suit who never plays. Nathan Cleary points at all of them at once with both hands. Towels come down like weather and the officials wait it out with the patience of the doomed.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Detroit Engine-Roar in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Watch the spacing there, Logan Paul hits 50 Cent right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. Oldest play in the book and it still works: 50 Cent passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the rapper, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

Bucket for Detroit Engine-Roar. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Buckets, dimes, and one absolute dagger from Steve Smith to cap it off. This building is so loud the huddle cannot hear itself think. They are burning a timeout on the baseball player! Somewhere in that huddle a whiteboard is getting erased in a real hurry.

Break. Aaron Judge asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Fun fact: Aaron Judge blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. And now, our halftime TV game show Beat the Clock Radio! To win a coupon book for a car wash that closed in 2011, text HOOPS to 555-0022 and answer this question: 'Why is the mascot always slightly damp?' Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Nathan Cleary has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Logan Paul precisely where the play wanted it. The movie actor/actress turns clean out of two bodies in the paint. That is nowhere in the job description and yet here we are. Not a hand on him. Logan Paul flat missed the bunny.

SKIP PASS! Nathan Cleary fires it cross court to 50 Cent and the defense is dead in the water! Ice in his veins for a guy who answers to rapper the rest of the week. Professional shot, amateur resume. Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from Steve Smith. Somebody show the rest of the league what the cricketer just did on that block. Footwork straight out of 1987!

Steve Smith throws both arms up and holds them there, letting the arena pull the sound out of him. Twenty thousand people on their feet at once. Logan Paul grabs his shoulders from behind and shakes him like a snow globe. The floor is genuinely vibrating.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Detroit Engine-Roar with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Pass, skip, reversal, pass again. Nathan Cleary shifts with every single one of them and the possession ends in a contested fadeaway.

Nobody is getting a hand near that. Nathan Cleary has all the room in the world. The rugby league player hammers a brick off the backboard so hard the rim is still shaking. Nothing in that resume prepared anybody for this.

Dagger from Detroit Engine-Roar. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the rugby league player made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. Rim, backboard, none of the above from the rugby league player! Ladies and gentlemen, that is a person with a real job, and we have all just been reminded of it.

More second chance points for Detroit Engine-Roar, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Emotions boiled over and Aaron Judge pays for it, because he was the one still swinging when the cameras found the pile.

Foul to give, and Steve Smith gives it. Clock stops.

Nathan Cleary closes his eyes walking out. Steve Smith keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. And here is the answer to our game Beat the Clock Radio! Buford Wamsley of Cement City, Michigan, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'Why is the mascot always slightly damp?' The answer was of course that is strictly between the mascot and the mascot. Buford takes home a coupon book for a car wash that closed in 2011! During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

89-134 (L)

Aaron Judge times the leap perfectly, taps it back to the wing, and the first possession of the night belongs to us.

Dribble alive, patient, patient, and then Nathan Cleary slips it to Steve Smith right in the pocket. Surgical. The block is clean, the ball is gone, and Steve Smith is left staring at his empty hands like a man who lost his keys.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Nathan Cleary makes it every single trip down the floor. One little shoulder dip from Steve Smith and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. Steve Smith fires that thing at the backboard like it owes him money. No chance from the moment it left his hand.

The cricketer just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. That little shot is what keeps guards employed in this league, and Steve Smith has it on a string tonight.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Miami Heart-Attack, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Break! Logan Paul has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Juicy intel: Logan Paul turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. And now, our halftime TV game show Backyard Survivor: Aisle Nine! To win a riding mower that will only turn left, text HOOPS to 555-0384 and answer this question: 'How many raccoons live at an average county fairgrounds?' The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.

The rapper got moved off the block like a folding chair. That is a grown man's job down there.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Miami Heart-Attack with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Watch the spacing, Nathan Cleary drags two bodies toward the ball and Aaron Judge is standing alone behind the line. Geometry, not luck. Aaron Judge pump fakes, gets the defender airborne, and walks right into his chest. Free throws. Two for two from the baseball player, calm as a Tuesday afternoon. Whatever that job involves all day, it clearly builds very steady hands.

Slow walk, no expression. Aaron Judge backpedals past the Miami Heart-Attack huddle close enough to hear what is being said and never turns his head. The crowd noise is a physical object at this point. One of their assistants stands up, and nothing comes of it.

Off the pin-down comes the movie actor/actress with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. Rim out for Logan Paul, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

Turnover, layup, Miami Heart-Attack straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Nathan Cleary threw it before the help even committed. OHHHH the separation! Logan Paul just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. The movie actor/actress tried the teardrop and never got it to the rim. Turns out soft touch does not come standard with that day job.

Miami Heart-Attack again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The big rolls, the defense collapses, and Steve Smith punishes it with a read most guys never even see. That is the shot chart lying to you. Nathan Cleary did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

Cold blooded from Miami Heart-Attack, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the rugby league player, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. STOP AND GO! Steve Smith hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. So close. Steve Smith can only stare at the iron.

Nathan Cleary scratches the back of his neck nervously. Steve Smith has the look of someone who has seen things. And here is the answer to our game Backyard Survivor: Aisle Nine! Roberta Klump of Pumpkin Center, Utah, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many raccoons live at an average county fairgrounds?' The answer was of course six during the day and considerably more after dark. Roberta takes home a riding mower that will only turn left! Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

84-128 (L)

Bucket for Orlando Magic-Beans. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

That is a forced shot from the rapper that was doomed the moment it left the hand, and the bench has quietly decided to look at the floor for a moment. Nobody put a body on Aaron Judge and he made them pay, tipping it to himself and coming down with two hands in the trees. Aaron Judge crashes the glass, snatches that miss out of the air and hammers it home. Onions!

Turnover, layup, Orlando Magic-Beans straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

OHHHH they are coming apart! Logan Paul again, and the defense has no idea where to turn! A head coach with a full staff and a scouting report just called timeout because of the baseball player. Read that sentence back slowly.

The confidence is sky high, the shot selection has left the building, and Logan Paul just threw a brick from twenty-nine feet.

Coach calls everyone back. Aaron Judge drags his feet toward the tunnel. Physio's confession: Aaron Judge purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. And now, our halftime TV game show Second Chance Second Half! To win a hand painted mailbox shaped like a catfish, text HOOPS to 555-1006 and answer this question: 'What is the population of a town on the night of a rivalry game?' The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.

Orlando Magic-Beans again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The cricketer makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. 50 Cent sets it and slides out instead of rolling, Nathan Cleary finds him late, and the defense pays for cheating under the screen. The rapper just created that shot from scratch and drained it. Not bad for somebody clocking in at a real job tomorrow morning.

50 Cent pulls the jersey away from his chest and points at the crest, twice, hard, then taps his heart. No smile, no theater. The arena horn keeps going long after it should stop. Somebody up in the rafters is holding a sign about this exact city.

In a game this tight, 50 Cent cannot be giving away a free point over a call that was never coming back. Unforgivable. There it is! Second technical on 50 Cent, automatic ejection, his night is OVER.

More second chance points for Orlando Magic-Beans, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Careless stuff from 50 Cent. That is a free trip to the line for a steal that was never happening.

The defender crowded the middle, and Steve Smith punished him along the baseline like it was drawn up in the huddle. Third look from distance for Steve Smith tonight and the arc keeps flattening out, tired legs writing checks the jumper cannot cash.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Orlando Magic-Beans with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

The rugby league player pops to the arc and buries it, and nobody in this building believes that man clocks in somewhere in the morning. The crowd has found its chant, and 50 Cent is going to be hearing it all night.

Steve Smith gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Nathan Cleary saw it a beat early. The cricketer just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. The cricketer gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here.

Set called, 50 Cent waved out to the corner, and Nathan Cleary watches the spacing open up like a front door. 50 Cent rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. OHHHH, that one died in the air! 50 Cent put nothing into it and the front rim eats the floater.

Logan Paul rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Steve Smith picks up his own and folds it carefully. And here is the answer to our game show Second Chance Second Half! Hoyt Pennington of Dishrag Springs, Oregon, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the population of a town on the night of a rivalry game?' The answer was of course the whole town plus forty people who moved away in 1987. Hoyt therefore wins a hand painted mailbox shaped like a catfish! Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

84-129 (L)

Both guys crouch, both guys go, and it is 50 Cent who wins the little argument at center court.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Philadelphia Injury-Report, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Steve Smith just did it by hitting Aaron Judge on the back side with acres of room. A baseball player breaking down a professional defender in front of a sold out house! Remember that day job, folks! Third one of these from Aaron Judge this quarter, third time the arc is wrong. The lane is not open real estate anymore.

Dagger from Philadelphia Injury-Report. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The cricketer just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. The cricketer hammers a brick off the backboard so hard the rim is still shaking. Nothing in that resume prepared anybody for this.

Intermission. Steve Smith dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Confession: Steve Smith believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. And now, our halftime TV game show Jeopar-Dee-Dee! To win a mounted singing bass that only knows half the song, text HOOPS to 555-0305 and answer this question: 'How much does a rumor weigh at sea level?' We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Philadelphia Injury-Report with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Hard drive, hard stop, and Nathan Cleary retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. That is a forced shot from the rugby league player that was doomed the moment it left the hand, and the bench has quietly decided to look at the floor for a moment.

More second chance points for Philadelphia Injury-Report, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

The cricketer just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. The cricketer baits the contact, gets the whistle, and struts to the line like a ten-year pro. His boss is watching this and quietly rethinking next week's schedule. Boring is beautiful, and Steve Smith is automatic from the stripe. That is how you close a game out.

Steve Smith launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Kick out to Logan Paul, one more to Aaron Judge, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. No touch. Aaron Judge left the soft hands in the locker room tonight.

Cold blooded from Philadelphia Injury-Report, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Third reach charged to Logan Paul. At some point the officials stop giving you the benefit of the doubt, and that point was two whistles ago. The official flashes five toward the scorer's table and Logan Paul just stares at the hardwood. He knows what comes next.

POCKET PASS! Nathan Cleary threads it to Aaron Judge between two bodies and the rim is wide open! Wrapped up the arm on the gather, plain as day. Aaron Judge gets two, and the bench is already standing. First one drops clean through, the second one never even touches iron. Cold blooded from Aaron Judge.

The noise climbs past whatever the building was engineered for, and Aaron Judge uses it to kneel down and retie a shoe that was already tied. Double knot, no hurry, eyes on the laces. Logan Paul stands over him like a bodyguard while somewhere down there a coach calls a play into a hurricane and loses.

Hesitate, GO. Steve Smith is by that hip before the man even blinks. Two hands on the ball, then a fresh bounce. Somewhere a youth coach is watching the cricketer and quietly turning off the TV.

No roll this time. Nathan Cleary swings it right back to 50 Cent above the break, and it is PURE. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and 50 Cent is walking back with both hands on his head.

50 Cent punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. Nathan Cleary slides down the wall to the floor. And here is the answer to our game Jeopar-Dee-Dee! Ludene Crabtree of Dry Creek Junction, Oklahoma, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How much does a rumor weigh at sea level?' The answer was of course a pound and a half, considerably more in humid weather. Ludene takes home a mounted singing bass that only knows half the song! During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

87-131 (L)

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Phoenix No-Defense, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Nathan Cleary breaks a shell down. A full spin move through traffic from the movie actor/actress! Whatever they teach in that trade, footwork is apparently part of it. Logan Paul beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless.

Phoenix No-Defense again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Push the pace! Nathan Cleary grabs it and hits Aaron Judge in stride before the defense can even match up. Here comes the slip from 50 Cent, and Aaron Judge reads it a half second before anybody else in the building. Gift wrapped by Nathan Cleary, and 50 Cent cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

More second chance points for Phoenix No-Defense, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Off to the locker room. Nathan Cleary has already drained two water bottles. Small detail: Nathan Cleary whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. And now, our halftime TV game show Guess My Salary Cap! To win a sun visor that says FLORIDA but was manufactured in Indiana, text HOOPS to 555-1136 and answer this question: 'What is the exact salary of a mascot with no contract?' Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.

The cricketer reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. Watch the feet on Steve Smith there, still drifting sideways at the release, and that is exactly why the floater sails wide left of everything.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Phoenix No-Defense with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Somebody find a fire extinguisher for the rugby league player! Whatever the day job is, right now the only trade that matters is getting buckets. Here is the danger of a hot night: Nathan Cleary stops taking the shots that got him going and starts taking the ones that cool him off.

Laser from Logan Paul, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. The defender planted his feet, and Nathan Cleary said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. Fifth possession this half where Nathan Cleary has been left to bail everybody out with the clock at zero. He cannot keep doing this alone.

Dagger from Phoenix No-Defense. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

That is a coaching staff completely out of answers. Aaron Judge has taken this game over and the only tool left in the box is a stoppage.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Logan Paul has known that all night long. Aaron Judge gives it up to Nathan Cleary on the move, the built-in screen erases the chase, and there is a clean runway to the rim. Give and go! Nathan Cleary gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! That is a throwback bucket: Nathan Cleary with his back to the basket, and the defense has absolutely no answer for it.

Straight to the logo at center court, Nathan Cleary plants both feet and flexes until the veins show. The bench is a pile of bodies and airborne headbands. An assistant coach has to be physically restrained by a trainer who is also celebrating.

Somebody explain how the rugby league player reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. SPIN and GO! 50 Cent pirouettes right through the traffic and comes out the other side clean! This building is SHAKING. 50 Cent just stepped into a logo three like it was a warmup rep.

Flexing under the basket, mouth wide open, 50 Cent roars at nobody in particular. The sound carries over the crowd noise, which should be physically impossible. The referee waits with folded arms, like a substitute teacher who has seen considerably worse.

50 Cent goes fishing at the point of attack, the ball handler feels the hand on his elbow, and the arm goes straight up. The best defender on this floor is headed to the bench with four. 50 Cent goes off with his hand still up, insisting he was straight up and down.

Nathan Cleary kicks it over to Logan Paul, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Two defenders, one gap, and Logan Paul finds it. Onions on that pass. Buzzer on the shot clock, Steve Smith heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

50 Cent shakes Logan Paul's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. And here is the answer to our game show Guess My Salary Cap! Marvin Hollopeter of Sandy Britches, New Jersey, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the exact salary of a mascot with no contract?' The answer was of course free pizza on Thursdays and all the applause he can carry. Marvin therefore wins a sun visor that says FLORIDA but was manufactured in Indiana! During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

74-119 (L)

Tip goes to the rapper, who spends most of the week nowhere near a gym. Explain that one to me.

Bucket for Los Angeles Nursing-Home. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Reach-in on Steve Smith. He wanted the steal, he bought a foul. FIVE on Steve Smith. One more and his night is finished.

Cold blooded from Los Angeles Nursing-Home, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Watch the change of pace from Nathan Cleary, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. The rugby league player just fired one in from the logo and the roof nearly came off this place. That is in nobody's job description.

Pointing up at the family section, Nathan Cleary taps his chest twice and holds up a fist. A kid in a replica jersey is crying, and so is his mother. A camera crew finds them in nine seconds flat. Sixty seconds of pure decency on national television.

That's a wrap for now. Nathan Cleary dives into the tunnel. True story: Nathan Cleary walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Los Angeles Nursing-Home. Awkward. And now, our halftime TV game show Beat the Shot Clock! To win a rusted horseshoe signed by a man named Dale, text HOOPS to 555-0533 and answer this question: 'What is the boiling point of nacho cheese at concession stand altitude?' We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.

Third straight empty trip for the other guys, third straight bucket involving Aaron Judge. That is exactly how a 10-0 stretch gets built. Logan Paul buries it, turns to the crowd on the way back, and the other side immediately calls time. Dagger and a timeout in the same breath.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Logan Paul chases the referee half the length of the floor and pays for it with a technical.

Dagger from Los Angeles Nursing-Home. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Total control. Nathan Cleary has this thing on a string. OHHHH the hesi! Steve Smith froze him solid and he is already gone! Steve Smith blows the wide open layup!

Nathan Cleary walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. Ice in his veins for a guy who answers to rapper the rest of the week. Professional shot, amateur resume. A cruel spin-out for the rugby league player, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Los Angeles Nursing-Home with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Screen, hesitation, delivery, Steve Smith drops it off perfectly for 50 Cent diving to the rim. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for 50 Cent!

Ohhh no. Corner three, Los Angeles Nursing-Home in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

No hero ball here: Nathan Cleary takes what the defense gives and moves it along. Logan Paul holds it, waits, waits some more, then lets it go at the last possible instant to Aaron Judge flying by. That is a half-second window and he threads it. Soft touch from Aaron Judge, the floater drops right over the big man. Cash.

Bent double with his hands on his knees, Aaron Judge takes one breath, straightens up and points at the coach who drew the play in the huddle. The coach nods once, no smile. Steve Smith pounds the man's shoulder anyway. Respect, delivered at maximum volume.

The baseball player is parked under the rim while three grown men in stripes squint at a screen. Just another day at the office, apparently. Brutal for the baseball player, who owned the shot of a lifetime for about ninety seconds. Back to the day job with nothing but the story.

Nathan Cleary hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Logan Paul keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. And here is the answer to our game show Beat the Shot Clock! Randall Meeks of Coon Holler Springs, Kentucky, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the boiling point of nacho cheese at concession stand altitude?' The answer was of course that it does not boil, it simply becomes more determined. Randall therefore wins a rusted horseshoe signed by a man named Dale! I learned tonight that Nathan Cleary used to be a rugby league player. That explains the unique running style. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

83-127 (L)

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Nathan Cleary controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Aaron Judge stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. Steve Smith threads a BEAUTY to Aaron Judge under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Nathan Cleary already has the defense a full step behind. Off the pin-down comes the movie actor/actress with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. The movie actor/actress misses absolutely everything, and honestly, the nerve to even attempt that shot deserves something. Not points. But something.

More second chance points for Toronto Border-Patrol, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Over the top of everybody. Steve Smith to 50 Cent in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. That crossover was not about getting a shot up. 50 Cent pulled it out to tell everybody in the gym whose possession this is. Nobody drew up that arc. The rapper floated one halfway to the rafters, and the rim never even got a say.

The rugby league player just got tossed for a flagrant two, and somewhere a shift supervisor is watching this on a break room TV in absolute horror.

Halftime! Steve Smith walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Fun fact: Steve Smith blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. And now, our halftime TV game show Fifty Fifty or Nothing! To win a decorative barometer that has read STORMY since 1998, text HOOPS to 555-0290 and answer this question: 'How many free throws could a horse make in one hour with no thumbs?' The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.

Dagger from Toronto Border-Patrol. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Ball moves. Nathan Cleary to 50 Cent, on time and on target. Handoff, turn the corner, BUCKET! 50 Cent did all the dirty work on that one. Nathan Cleary gets to his spot in the lane, lifts the runner over the big man, and leaves it a foot short. No dice.

Turnover, layup, Toronto Border-Patrol straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The movie actor/actress makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Baseline wide open. 50 Cent said thank you. Perfect drop-off from Steve Smith, and 50 Cent answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

The rugby league player just threaded a pocket pass through two defenders. Where exactly did that vision come from? Pull-up from the elbow by Logan Paul, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

Not a bad shot, not a blocked shot, just no shot at all from 50 Cent. Somehow the worst outcome available.

Cold blooded from Toronto Border-Patrol, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Logan Paul gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Nathan Cleary saw it a beat early. From WAY downtown off the pop! Logan Paul with the extra pass and CASH. Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, 50 Cent and Nathan Cleary just played basketball and the defense got shredded. The defender fronted him, so 50 Cent sealed, waited for the entry and went to work. Patient, mean, effective.

50 Cent freezes in his follow-through, wrist still hanging, and holds it while the Toronto Border-Patrol coach burns a timeout out of pure desperation. He holds it through the whistle. He holds it into the huddle. The cameras eat every single second of it.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Toronto Border-Patrol with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

They do not teach that in the rugby league player handbook, and yet here we are. Beautiful little exchange. There is no finesse in that, and there does not need to be. Logan Paul simply decided the paint belonged to him.

50 Cent has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Steve Smith has aged ten years in forty minutes. And here is the answer to our game show Fifty Fifty or Nothing! Merle Bodkin of Dry Fork Holler, West Virginia, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many free throws could a horse make in one hour with no thumbs?' The answer was of course two, and both of them were technically goaltending. Merle therefore wins a decorative barometer that has read STORMY since 1998! My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

74-119 (L)

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Minnesota Ice-Wall, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Bodies everywhere in the paint and it does not matter one bit to Nathan Cleary, one spin and the ball never leaves the string. Catch on the block, shoulder into the chest, one dribble, and Nathan Cleary finishes over the top. Textbook.

Backing all the way to half court with three fingers held over each eye, Nathan Cleary keeps the goggles on for the entire trip. The bench mob copies it in unison. The broadcast cuts to twelve grown men wearing invisible glasses. Peak television, honestly.

A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Steve Smith pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. Somewhere there is a coaching video being edited right now, and the cricketer is the star of it. Three steps and a prayer.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Minnesota Ice-Wall with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Ice in his veins for a guy who answers to rugby league player the rest of the week. Professional shot, amateur resume. Logan Paul rises, the big man rises higher, and the shot is stuffed into the second row. Return to sender.

Halftime. Logan Paul glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Did you know? Logan Paul tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. And now, our halftime TV game show Church Picnic Wipeout! To win an above-ground pool ladder with no pool attached, text HOOPS to 555-0158 and answer this question: 'How much popcorn is in a large at the concession stand, honestly?' The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Minnesota Ice-Wall in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Nathan Cleary comes off the screen and the big man drops WAY back. Steve Smith just fades to the arc for the cleanest look of the night. Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, Steve Smith fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

CHARGE! Aaron Judge runs a set defender straight over and the arm goes the other way.

More second chance points for Minnesota Ice-Wall, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

SKIP PASS! Steve Smith fires it cross court to 50 Cent and the defense is dead in the water! Look how low 50 Cent keeps that shoulder on the drive, that is how you turn a sliver of space into a walk to the rim. BANG is what 50 Cent was hearing in his head. Clang is what this building actually got.

Clean feed from Logan Paul, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! Steve Smith never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! Shot clock at one, and Steve Smith just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Minnesota Ice-Wall with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Logan Paul splits the coverage with a bounce pass you need slow motion to appreciate. Dimes. OHHHH, the cylinder rejects the rugby league player! Somewhere a whole workplace just yelled at a television.

Steve Smith hands it off to Nathan Cleary, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. Ohhh no. Steve Smith just walked. In front of everybody.

The coach just drew up the biggest play of the night for the movie actor/actress, a sentence I did not expect to say out loud this evening. Coach spent a timeout on a play for the baseball player and it worked to the inch. That is trust you do not fake.

Off comes the headband, launched into the crowd like a rock star, and the fight for it delays the inbound. Aaron Judge watches two adults wrestle in row four. Half the arena is filming that instead of the game. Everybody in here has lost the plot.

50 Cent stares at his hands like he doesn't recognize them. Logan Paul exhales. Again. And again. And here is the answer to our game Church Picnic Wipeout! Charlene Pigg of Hatchet Handle, North Carolina, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How much popcorn is in a large at the concession stand, honestly?' The answer was of course a medium and a rumor. Charlene takes home an above-ground pool ladder with no pool attached! My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

78-122 (L)

Dagger from Houston Blast-Off. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The movie actor/actress just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! Prayer from 50 Cent. Not answered.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Houston Blast-Off with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

A scoreless four minutes and counting. The rugby league player is finding out the hard way that this league punishes tired legs. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Aaron Judge dribbles it out at the top of the key and never even looks at the basket.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Steve Smith just did it by hitting Logan Paul on the back side with acres of room. Working him at the top of the key, low dribble, low dribble, then Logan Paul rips it across and his man lunges at a ghost. Getting to his spot and elevating, Logan Paul puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

Halftime whistle. 50 Cent high-fives his teammates on the way out. Small detail: 50 Cent wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. And now, our halftime TV game show Scrabble But With Numbers! To win a stack of forty three unread warranty cards, text HOOPS to 555-0736 and answer this question: 'How many numbers are on a jersey that has no numbers?' Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Houston Blast-Off, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Nathan Cleary makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. The cricketer misses absolutely everything, and honestly, the nerve to even attempt that shot deserves something. Not points. But something.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Steve Smith threw it before the help even committed. That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Logan Paul does. Nobody drew up that arc. The movie actor/actress floated one halfway to the rafters, and the rim never even got a say.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Nathan Cleary drops it off to 50 Cent on time and on target. Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the rapper made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. The big man never even contested it, and 50 Cent still could not get the runner to drop. That one is on him.

That was a deliberate technical. The coach hated what happened to Logan Paul, he wanted it on the record, and one point is his price.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Houston Blast-Off in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Nathan Cleary has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching 50 Cent precisely where the play wanted it. A single dribble is all 50 Cent needed to get downhill, and the back side of that defense is in complete disarray. Stop on a dime, up and over those outstretched arms, and the center can only stand there and watch 50 Cent walk away from it.

Bent double with his hands on his knees, 50 Cent takes one breath, straightens up and points at the coach who drew the play in the huddle. The coach nods once, no smile. Steve Smith pounds the man's shoulder anyway. Respect, delivered at maximum volume.

50 Cent reaches, finds nothing but forearm, and the whistle comes right along with it. Foul trouble is a chess match and 50 Cent just lost a piece. Three before the break changes how this team defends the pick and roll.

Cold blooded from Houston Blast-Off, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Nathan Cleary walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Logan Paul, and not one single soul could do anything about it. Watch the footwork from Logan Paul: one-two into the paint, no charge, feathery touch off the glass. Filthy craft.

Steve Smith chews his nails on the bench. 50 Cent stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. And here is the answer to our game show Scrabble But With Numbers! Nadine Frankenberry of Pothole Junction, Iowa, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many numbers are on a jersey that has no numbers?' The answer was of course one, and it is invisible, and it is a seven. Nadine therefore wins a stack of forty three unread warranty cards! During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

86-130 (L)

The rapper just out-jumped a guy half a foot taller for the opening tip. Somebody check the day job again.

The cricketer just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. Watch the sell from 50 Cent here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. 50 Cent probes to the right, pulls the string, and rises over a helpless closeout from twenty six feet. Splash.

50 Cent climbs two rows into the stands and gets swallowed by strangers. He comes back out with somebody's cap on backward and a smear of nacho cheese on his shoulder. Aaron Judge refuses to touch him. This building has never been happier about anything.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Denver Horse-Track, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

SKIP PASS! Steve Smith fires it cross court to Logan Paul and the defense is dead in the water! Court vision like that on the movie actor/actress is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. The baseball player tried the teardrop and never got it to the rim. Turns out soft touch does not come standard with that day job.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Denver Horse-Track with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Halftime. Aaron Judge is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Did you know Aaron Judge plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. And now, our halftime TV game show Cash Cab of a Pickup Truck! To win a bag of forty-two mismatched socks, all for the left foot, text HOOPS to 555-0173 and answer this question: 'What do you call a free throw that goes in after hitting the ceiling?' The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.

Somewhere there is a shift with the rapper written on it for tomorrow morning. Tonight he is out here erasing shots.

Over the top of everybody. Nathan Cleary to Logan Paul in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. The other bench sent their best perimeter stopper out on Logan Paul, and they are learning in real time that it will not be enough tonight. That is the shot Logan Paul wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

Bucket for Denver Horse-Track. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Off the pin-down comes the rugby league player with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. The rugby league player had that thing halfway down and the rim spat it back out. Nobody ever warns you that the iron has a personality.

Turnover, layup, Denver Horse-Track straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Nothing left to play for here. Steve Smith plays out the string and the box score does the rest of the talking.

Denver Horse-Track again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Day job, then this: the rugby league player reads a rolling big like a coach with twenty years on the bench. Aaron Judge had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

Slap across the wrist, and the crew saw every bit of it. Steve Smith pays for that one.

Whole huddle leaning in to hear it, and the plan is to hand the game to the movie actor/actress. Genius or madness, we are about to find out. BANG! Exactly the play on the clipboard: Logan Paul to Aaron Judge, catch and rise.

One finger to the sky, held there, eyes closed in the middle of all that noise, and Aaron Judge does not move. The arena figures it out and quiets for a beat. Logan Paul puts a hand on his back and says nothing, then the sound comes back like a wave.

Nathan Cleary's eyes are red, jaw tight. Steve Smith apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. And here is the answer to our game Cash Cab of a Pickup Truck! Harlan Spivey of Bent Fender, Montana, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What do you call a free throw that goes in after hitting the ceiling?' The answer was of course a blessing, and the whole gym has to be re-blessed. Harlan takes home a bag of forty-two mismatched socks, all for the left foot! Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

80-124 (L)

Turnover, layup, New York Over-Timers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Logan Paul threw it before the help even committed. That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at 50 Cent the moment he crosses half court. The rapper launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

Ohhh no. Corner three, New York Over-Timers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Rising up out of the corner, Logan Paul sends it LONG, clanging off the far side and out to the wing. The shot is short, and 50 Cent is the only man moving. He rips it out of the crowd and the possession lives. Second pass beats the rotation, 50 Cent to Aaron Judge, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. Perfect arc. Aaron Judge makes seven feet of rim protection completely irrelevant.

Right hand to the mouthguard, out, pointed at the rafters, back in. Aaron Judge does not break stride once. Two rows of fans are hugging total strangers. Complete loss of composure in the entire lower bowl, and the game is nowhere near over.

New York Over-Timers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Both teams head to the locker room. 50 Cent wipes his forehead with his jersey. Exclusive: 50 Cent was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. And now, our halftime TV game show Concentration But Nobody Is Paying Attention! To win a set of drink coasters showing all fifty state flowers, badly drawn, text HOOPS to 555-0629 and answer this question: 'What time is it in a gymnasium when the clock is broken?' The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.

Ball into Logan Paul at the elbow, Steve Smith plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. Stonewalled at the top of the square! The big man meets Steve Smith up there and returns it with interest.

Aaron Judge is on the floor pointing at his own forearm, the coach is halfway to midcourt, and the officials have heard plenty.

Nathan Cleary flops. Nobody in stripes even turns around.

More second chance points for New York Over-Timers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

The rugby league player is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. The baseball player reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. AROUND the cylinder and OUT! Aaron Judge cannot believe it, and neither can this building.

Swing, swing, and Steve Smith finds Nathan Cleary on the wing before the help can even turn its head. The rugby league player runs a dribble handoff with the timing of a fifteen-year vet. Not bad for somebody who does this on weekends. Court vision like that on the rapper is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. OHHHH that is SILKY! Logan Paul with the teardrop, and it kisses through.

Kisses the biceps, one and then the other, and Logan Paul strolls to the free throw line like a man on vacation. Aaron Judge fans him with a rolled-up game program. The bench is in tears. Even the guy running the game clock is grinning into his monitor.

Two guys on the exact same page, Nathan Cleary and 50 Cent, and the defense is left holding a bag of nothing. Long and gone. Nathan Cleary floats the teardrop over everything and bangs it off the back iron.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. New York Over-Timers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Logan Paul launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. One little shoulder dip from Nathan Cleary and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. Missed layup for the rugby league player and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

You do not need a scholarship to figure that one out. The cricketer just stopped the clock the way people have been stopping clocks in gyms for sixty years.

Nathan Cleary has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Steve Smith has aged ten years in forty minutes. And here is the answer to our game show Concentration But Nobody Is Paying Attention! Junior Applewhite of Gravy Bend, South Carolina, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What time is it in a gymnasium when the clock is broken?' The answer was of course always 4:17, a time that has never done anybody any good. Junior therefore wins a set of drink coasters showing all fifty state flowers, badly drawn! On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

82-127 (L)

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Cleveland Twin-Towers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Nathan Cleary controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Nobody is getting a hand near that. Logan Paul has all the room in the world. The movie actor/actress misses absolutely everything, and honestly, the nerve to even attempt that shot deserves something. Not points. But something.

Bucket for Cleveland Twin-Towers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

The cricketer makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Screen, pop, SPLASH! Aaron Judge kicks it out and that thing never touched iron. Nobody moved, nobody cut, nobody set a screen, so Logan Paul launches a contested jumper with the horn already going. Ugly offense.

Turnover, layup, Cleveland Twin-Towers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Halftime whistle. Steve Smith has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. True story: Steve Smith walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Cleveland Twin-Towers. Awkward. And now, our halftime TV game show Are You Smarter Than a Mailbox! To win a paint-by-numbers kit of a barn, already painted wrong, text HOOPS to 555-0066 and answer this question: 'How many keys are on a high school janitor keyring?' Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.

The rugby league player is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. GONE down the baseline! Logan Paul beat him on the first step and the paint is collapsing. The movie actor/actress just put somebody on a POSTER! That defender is going to see this clip for the rest of his life!

One finger to the sky, held there, eyes closed in the middle of all that noise, and Logan Paul does not move. The arena figures it out and quiets for a beat. 50 Cent puts a hand on his back and says nothing, then the sound comes back like a wave.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Steve Smith breaks a shell down. The baseball player just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! Steve Smith rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, Nathan Cleary gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. Blocked into the floor. Nathan Cleary will be seeing that one in his sleep.

More second chance points for Cleveland Twin-Towers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

The shooter saw 50 Cent rising into his eyeline, rushed the release, and caught nothing but the side of the rim. Everything starts with that release, Logan Paul hitting Steve Smith in full flight before the defense has even turned around. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Steve Smith rose up over the help and hammered it down on somebody's head!

Bent double with his hands on his knees, Steve Smith takes one breath, straightens up and points at the coach who drew the play in the huddle. The coach nods once, no smile. Nathan Cleary pounds the man's shoulder anyway. Respect, delivered at maximum volume.

Somewhere out there a rugby league player is learning that the day job never included defensive slides. Rough little moment. That is a foot speed problem. Aaron Judge keeps grabbing instead of sliding, and in this league that gets your coach a miserable night.

Reach-in on the rapper. He tried to take the ball the way he takes everything else on the job, politely and with both hands. The rapper is a single whistle from disqualification and he is STILL sliding his feet into the paint. Courage or a very bad week at work.

Cleveland Twin-Towers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Here is what makes a defense elite: Aaron Judge does not just block shots, he deletes the whole idea of driving on this team.

Under review. Logan Paul does not know yet whether he is the hero or the footnote. The movie actor/actress is finding out what this league does to people. It hands you the moment, then it rolls the tape.

50 Cent closes his eyes walking out. Nathan Cleary keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. And here is the answer to our game Are You Smarter Than a Mailbox! Wanda Sue Beezley of Rooster Comb, South Dakota, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many keys are on a high school janitor keyring?' The answer was of course forty-one, and three of them open nothing at all. Wanda Sue takes home a paint-by-numbers kit of a barn, already painted wrong! During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

83-127 (L)

Tip goes to the baseball player, who spends most of the week nowhere near a gym. Explain that one to me.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Boston Ring-Chasers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

OHHHHH HE SNATCHED HIS ANKLES! Nathan Cleary left him on the hardwood and this building is SHAKING! Soft off the fingertips, the ball takes a full lap of the rim on Nathan Cleary, and spits straight back out. That is theft.

Dagger from Boston Ring-Chasers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

No hero ball here: Nathan Cleary takes what the defense gives and moves it along. Down screen, and Steve Smith curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. OHHHH the POWER! Steve Smith took the hit and finished it anyway!

Halftime! Logan Paul looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Little secret: Logan Paul has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. And now, our halftime TV game show Beat the Shot Clock! To win a rusted horseshoe signed by a man named Dale, text HOOPS to 555-0533 and answer this question: 'What is the boiling point of nacho cheese at concession stand altitude?' We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.

That is vision. Nathan Cleary sees the pocket open for a tenth of a second and puts the ball in it. The filthy euro-step in traffic was the idea, but the feet got greedy and the whistle blew Aaron Judge dead.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Boston Ring-Chasers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Eyes on the ball, brain somewhere else, and both feet parked in the paint. 50 Cent has to give that one back.

The defender planted his feet, and Steve Smith said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. Down, up, and gone for Steve Smith. The rim is just toying with him now.

Cold blooded from Boston Ring-Chasers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

50 Cent goes down like he was shot. No whistle. The crowd lets him hear every bit of it.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Boston Ring-Chasers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Logan Paul just did it by hitting Nathan Cleary on the back side with acres of room. A full spin move through traffic from the rugby league player! Whatever they teach in that trade, footwork is apparently part of it. Not close, not warm, not anywhere for Nathan Cleary, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet.

The whistle goes, the crew huddles at the monitor, and Steve Smith gets the thumb, flagrant two, straight to the locker room.

Whole huddle leaning in to hear it, and the plan is to hand the game to the movie actor/actress. Genius or madness, we are about to find out. Drawn up in the huddle, executed by the baseball player, who clocks in somewhere else on Monday morning. Perfect.

Aaron Judge rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. 50 Cent picks up his own and folds it carefully. And here is the answer to our game show Beat the Shot Clock! Randall Meeks of Coon Holler Springs, Kentucky, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the boiling point of nacho cheese at concession stand altitude?' The answer was of course that it does not boil, it simply becomes more determined. Randall therefore wins a rusted horseshoe signed by a man named Dale! Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

90-134 (L)

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, San Antonio Skyscrapers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Not an inch to spare on the endline, but Logan Paul keeps both feet in bounds and the help gets there a beat too late. Way short from Logan Paul off the bounce, the ball dies on the front of the rim and drops into traffic.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Logan Paul makes it every single trip down the floor. OHHHH the pocket pass! 50 Cent splits the coverage and the roll man is loose under the basket! Ball into Steve Smith at the elbow, Nathan Cleary plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. OHHHHH FROM THE LOGO! Nathan Cleary pulls up from another area code and it is PURE!

Nathan Cleary steps over the defender who ended up on the floor and keeps walking, never looks down. Cold as a meat locker. The building erupts twice, once for the bucket and once for the disrespect. The replay gets its own dedicated camera angle.

Bucket for San Antonio Skyscrapers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Nathan Cleary controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the rapper made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. From eight feet 50 Cent puts way too much on it, and the ball clears the rim entirely.

The locker room. Nathan Cleary sprawls out full-length on the bench. Juicy anecdote: Nathan Cleary was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. And now, our halftime TV game show Minute to Win It Back! To win a lawn ornament goose with exactly one seasonal outfit, text HOOPS to 555-0319 and answer this question: 'What is the halftime score of a game that nobody is watching?' Back on the floor, faces full of determination.

The rugby league player is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. Watch the sell from Logan Paul here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. Somewhere a defender is explaining to his family why the movie actor/actress is going to be on the front page tomorrow morning.

Logan Paul pretends to check a watch that is not on his wrist, taps it, then shows it to the arena. Time is up. 50 Cent mimes an enormous yawn. The visiting coach is shouting at officials who have no jurisdiction over sarcasm.

Cold blooded from San Antonio Skyscrapers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

They are burning a timeout on the movie actor/actress! Somewhere in that huddle a whiteboard is getting erased in a real hurry.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. San Antonio Skyscrapers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the rugby league player, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. OHHHH, what a read by 50 Cent! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. Textbook footwork, textbook release from Steve Smith, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

Arm across the body, whistle, dead ball. Reach on 50 Cent. Brutal timing on that whistle. This team loses its rim protection the moment 50 Cent takes a seat, and the paint is wide open now.

The movie actor/actress just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! Rim, backboard, none of the above from the cricketer! Ladies and gentlemen, that is a person with a real job, and we have all just been reminded of it.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for San Antonio Skyscrapers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

The extra pass! Nathan Cleary had the look, gave it up anyway, and Aaron Judge buries it. BANG! Clang. Aaron Judge wants that one back.

Logan Paul grabs him before the ball even crosses half court. Intentional, obvious, and completely necessary.

Steve Smith chews his nails on the bench. Nathan Cleary stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. And here is the answer to our game Minute to Win It Back! Otis Fenstermacher of Tin Roof, Virginia, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the halftime score of a game that nobody is watching?' The answer was of course still tied, philosophically speaking. Otis takes home a lawn ornament goose with exactly one seasonal outfit! Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

79-124 (L)

Logan Paul attacks the baseline and the ENTIRE defense has to rotate behind him! Wide open at the top of the key and Logan Paul cannot make it count, the defense secures the board and takes off in transition.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Steve Smith makes it every single trip down the floor. Hesitate, GO. Logan Paul is by that hip before the man even blinks. So close. Logan Paul can only stare at the iron.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Careless stuff from Nathan Cleary. That is a free trip to the line for a steal that was never happening. OHHHH the whistle! Number five on Nathan Cleary, and this bench cannot believe what it just saw.

Bucket for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

That's a cut. 50 Cent stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Did you know 50 Cent entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. And now, our halftime TV game show Church Picnic Wipeout! To win an above-ground pool ladder with no pool attached, text HOOPS to 555-0158 and answer this question: 'How much popcorn is in a large at the concession stand, honestly?' Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.

No play on the ball whatsoever. Steve Smith took the man down from behind and hoped the crew was feeling generous. They were not.

Turnover, layup, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Give and go! Nathan Cleary gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! Bless him, Nathan Cleary tried a move he has clearly only ever pulled off in an empty gym at midnight. Walk.

Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Perfect timing, no contact, no whistle from 50 Cent, just a clean swat and a stance that dares anybody else to try it.

Cross court, on a rope, from the rugby league player. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Dribble handoff from Logan Paul, and the defender gets wiped out on the exchange! Zero hesitation, zero conscience. 50 Cent made that closeout look completely pointless.

The cricketer just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. Hard drive, hard stop, and Logan Paul retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. From eight feet Logan Paul puts way too much on it, and the ball clears the rim entirely.

More second chance points for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Four live-ball turnovers now for Steve Smith, and every single one of them has turned into a bucket. Turn it over against this team and Steve Smith is gone the second the ball changes hands. Those transition points keep stacking up.

Steve Smith hangs on the rim one extra beat, letting the whole arena wait on him, then drops down into a dead-eyed mean mug. Logan Paul shoves him in the chest just to get a reaction. Nothing. Stone face on a man who just changed the game.

Nathan Cleary turns the corner off the screen from Aaron Judge, the help never rotates, and the lane is WIDE open! BRICK! Aaron Judge throws up a prayer and the iron sends it straight back out to half court!

Nathan Cleary lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. 50 Cent decides not to comment. And here is the answer to our game Church Picnic Wipeout! Charlene Pigg of Hatchet Handle, North Carolina, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How much popcorn is in a large at the concession stand, honestly?' The answer was of course a medium and a rumor. Charlene takes home an above-ground pool ladder with no pool attached! During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?