My dream football team — football_team 🇬🇧

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-2 (L)

The vigilante whips in a classic cross for Pope Francis in the box. When you have got that delivery from the flank, you cause havoc. OG from the chemist! Oh the poor lad! In that position, you know that one bad touch can be fatal, and that is exactly what happens here. The ball deflects into his own goal, this is TRAGIC.

Fifteen-yard belly slide from Gru, arms out like an aeroplane. Vlad the Impaler follows in like he's skiing. Mike Wazowski arrives at a casual walk and flops on top last. The pile is three bodies deep. The physio is already panicking about someone's back.

Absolutely dreadful! Paris Saint-Glinglin score and we have only ourselves to blame.

Full moonwalk from Mike Wazowski, penalty spot to halfway line, timing immaculate. Elvis Presley does the bassline, hand-on-mouth move, in sync. Mike Wazowski applauds slowly, cringing grin on his face. Every phone in the stadium is lit up.

On the corner from Jimmy Neutron, Tutankhamun rises and powers his header but it goes over the bar. Mike Wazowski boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Jesus Christ! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Aerial duel won by the messiah, he crushes it in the air. When you have that leap in that role, you rule your box.

Monster clearance from Mike Wazowski, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Zinedine Zidane. Zinedine Zidane launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Tutankhamun, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully. The actor misplaces his pass to Zinedine Zidane, the ball goes nowhere. Not his finest moment. The vigilante boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence.

The vigilante cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for Buzz Lightyear. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat. The ref points to the centre circle then checks with the assistant... NO! Buzz Lightyear was offside from Zinedine Zidane's pass! The crowd is getting restless, VAR is taking forever. What a nerve-wracking wait. The assistant referee's flag stayed down and VAR agrees — goal by Gru!

The gaffer flips the tactics board clean off the wall. Magnets scatter across the floor like shrapnel. "Can somebody, ANYBODY, explain to me what I have just watched for forty-five minutes?!" Nobody answers. Gru pulls {his} shirt over {his} face. The hairdryer treatment has well and truly arrived. Back on the estate, Elvis Presley is still remembered as the kid who kicked a ball through Mrs Henderson's greenhouse in 2014. Now 91 and standing 180, the lad still legs it when he sees her at Asda. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 2626 and answer this question: 'How many bus stops are there between disappointment and Scunthorpe?' The whistle goes and twenty-two players get back to it. Buzz Lightyear claps {his} hands three times, {his} little pre-half ritual. Here we go.

Nightmare! Paris Saint-Glinglin score! That goal was coming, we've been under the cosh.

Solidarity move: Mike Wazowski grabs Pope Francis who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Pope Francis a standing ovation right through to the restart.

The corner from Vlad the Impaler is perfect, Jimmy Neutron heads it but it misses the target. Monster clearance from Pope Francis! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. The game is crying out for a moment of magic, nothing's happening. Buzz Lightyear sends an aerial beauty to Tutankhamun, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile.

High recovery from Zinedine Zidane! He hounded the defender until he cracked. The pressing pays off. Zinedine Zidane finds Vlad the Impaler between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Vlad the Impaler burns past his man with a sudden burst of acceleration, the defender is left standing. Vlad the Impaler crosses but it is a poor delivery, it goes three yards wide of Buzz Lightyear.

Lovely quick transition, but the final decision-making is terrible. Elvis Presley goes into bullet-train mode and drives the length of the pitch. That is breathtaking. Elvis Presley winds up and FIRES! It's wide but it brushed the upright. Unlucky! Mike Wazowski opts for the short option to Zinedine Zidane, keeping possession, building play, no panic. Phenomenal leap from Zinedine Zidane who wins the header without any contest whatsoever. The opponent does not exist in the air against him.

Corner cleared by the defence, the vigilante was on set piece duty. In that position, you need to find the timing and the area to beat the defence from these situations. Jesus Christ switches the play to Elvis Presley on the far side, superb crossfield ball! Elvis Presley wins the battle in the air against the attacker, he took the elevator while everyone else took the stairs. Rapid combination: Elvis Presley to Jesus Christ, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Wall pass between the messiah and Vlad the Impaler, the combination is crystal clear. That is exactly why he plays there.

The fourth official shows the board, there's still time for a twist. The crowd is singing its lungs out, giving the attackers wings. The photographer winds up and fires, wide but close. In that position, keep pulling the trigger, the goal is coming. A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent.

The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it. Free kick conceded by Buzz Lightyear, a nibble at the opponent's heels. Enough to bring him down. Buzz Lightyear plays the free kick short and fast to Gru, they catch everyone on the hop.

Vlad the Impaler sits in the dugout after everyone's gone inside, watching the empty pitch. Mike Wazowski reappears with two cups of tea. They sit in silence, sipping, staring at the grass. "Same again Tuesday?" asks Mike Wazowski. Vlad the Impaler almost smiles. Almost. Football goes on. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Ethel Dripsworth, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many bus stops are there between disappointment and Scunthorpe?'. The answer was of course none, they're the same stop, the bus just goes round twice for dramatic effect. Ethel wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

1-2 (L)

They've turned the screw and the defence is starting to buckle. Telepathic pass from Mr. Bean to Tutankhamun, like they rehearsed it at breakfast. The ball fizzes in behind the defence. Tutankhamun picks up speed and FIIIRES with power! But it is also placed, the keeper can only watch. GOAL!

Rehearsed move all week: Mr. Bean and Pope Francis stage a Wild West duel, back to back, ten paces, turn, fire. Mike Wazowski plays the corpse in the middle. The stadium wants an encore, they do it twice more before the ref cuts it off.

Cold shower for Jesus Christ! He's celebrating but the flag is up, offside from Gru's pass. Cruel! The referee is reviewing the footage, taking his sweet time. The fans can barely watch. Disallowed by VAR! The photographer won't get on the scoresheet. In that position, these chances are precious and this one's gone. A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all.

GOAL for México No-Era-Penal! You can't defend like that and expect to get away with it.

Mike Wazowski dives head-first into the back of the net and comes out with the ball between his teeth, eyes burning. Tutankhamun can't breathe he's laughing so hard. Mike Wazowski claps from his own box, the roar from the stadium cranks up another ten decibels.

Beautiful distribution from Mike Wazowski to Jimmy Neutron, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. Jimmy Neutron loses the header, physically outmatched by his marker. It happens, but at this stage of the match it hurts. Mike Wazowski stretches like a spring and palms the strike around for a corner! HEROIC dive. Corner from Elvis Presley, Tutankhamun heads it with a diving effort but it goes over the bar. Shame.

Massive punt from Mike Wazowski, sends the ball sixty yards, Jimmy Neutron is scrapping for it up top. Pass into no-man's land from Jimmy Neutron, nobody on the end of it, the ball rolls straight to the opposition. Gift. Pope Francis with a trademark slide tackle, gets the ball and pops straight back up. The fans are on their feet! Crossfield pass from Pope Francis to Buzz Lightyear, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. Good run from Buzz Lightyear who crosses to the near post for Mr. Bean. The defender is beaten to it.

The boss is so angry he has gone quiet. That is when you know it is really bad. He speaks barely above a whisper: "In twenty years of management, I have never been so embarrassed. Never. Mike Wazowski, you were a ghost out there. The rest of you were not much better." Every word lands like a hammer. Inside info here — Mike Wazowski insists on sitting in the same seat on the team bus, second row, window side. If anyone takes it, he stands in the aisle and stares at them until they move. At 28, he's earned that level of passive aggression. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 0707 and answer this question: 'What did the last bus to Grimsby apologise for?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Tutankhamun sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

They've done it! México No-Era-Penal find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Mike Wazowski weaves through México No-Era-Penal's defenders to reach his own fans, waving his arms to whip up the stand. Every step is chanted. Elvis Presley screams 'COME OOOON!' next to him. World Cup final vibes in a league match.

Magnificent low block, holding out like a besieged fortress. What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere. CRAAACKER from Buzz Lightyear outside the box! Grazes the post and goes out for a goal kick. So close... Quick throw from Mike Wazowski to Buzz Lightyear out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. Buzz Lightyear keeps it short to Mr. Bean, no frills, just good football intelligence.

Corner from Vlad the Impaler, it drops in the six-yard box, CHAOS! A defender wellies it clear! Elvis Presley clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. The military personnel is beaten to the header by his marker. In that position, a lost duel like that is a warning sign.

Fast break, one-touch football, they've cut them to ribbons. Zinedine Zidane anticipates the run from Mr. Bean and fires a low missile in behind the defence. Perfect connection. Mr. Bean goes for it and fires! Wide, just to the left of goal. Not far off at all. Mike Wazowski distributes by hand to Buzz Lightyear on the flank, instant counter-attack launched.

The intensity has gone up several notches, this is magnificent. They push up sky high, the defender is forced into a hurried clearance. Tutankhamun with a last-gasp tackle that saves the day! Gets everything on the ball and nothing on the man. Heroic stuff. Massive clearance from the actor under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible.

The opposition defenders could grab a brew, nothing is happening. The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. Zinedine Zidane drops a lofted ball to Tutankhamun, it sails over the entire midfield line.

Little shift from Elvis Presley to Jesus Christ, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Through ball from the messiah for Elvis Presley, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite. The military personnel roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head.

Tough one against México No-Era-Penal. Pope Francis and Jimmy Neutron are the last two off the pitch, like students who don't want to face the headteacher. The tunnel swallows them up. The floodlights buzz. The stands are empty. Football is brilliant and cruel in equal measure. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Clive Fogsworth, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What did the last bus to Grimsby apologise for?'. The answer was of course existing, which frankly we all understood. Clive wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

1-0 (W)

The messiah reads the play and puts in a textbook challenge. That's the sort of awareness you need in that position, and he's delivered it perfectly. Transition play at its ruthless best, straight through the heart of the defence. LOB from the vigilante over the keeper! GOAL! In that position, when you have that ability to read the game and finish with that much CLASS, you are simply an ARTIST.

Groans from the stands, this possession is going nowhere. Wing switch from Zinedine Zidane, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Pope Francis brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Pope Francis tries the power drive and BOOOOM! On target but the keeper gets down and blocks. Saved!

Ping-pong between the two boxes, every ball is a chance. They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass. Jimmy Neutron threads a ball into the void for Vlad the Impaler, the timing is spot on, the space is enormous. Vlad the Impaler gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side.

Buzz Lightyear powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go. Buzz Lightyear goes down softly, looking for the foul that never was. Play on. Yellow for Buzz Lightyear, what a joke of a dive, the ref was standing two yards away. Free kick crossed in by the photographer into the box! In that position, putting deliveries like that into the area is what creates danger at every set piece.

Short restart from the internet meme to Mr. Bean, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Mr. Bean loses the header in the box, the opponent imposed himself physically. Dangerous situation. Mike Wazowski soars to his left and palms the strike around the post! The keeper is defying the laws of gravity! The vigilante puts in a pinpoint corner but nobody hits the target. In that position, it is maddening to see your deliveries go to waste like that.

Tutankhamun mimics the referee's running style down the corridor and the entire dressing room loses it. Even the kit man is doubled over. Pope Francis wipes tears from {his} eyes. The gaffer tries to bring order but cracks a smile himself. "Alright, alright, save the comedy for after the match. We have got 45 minutes to see this through." Gru once tweeted 'rate my Sunday roast' and the entire internet destroyed the 66-year-old for putting the Yorkshire puddings on a separate plate. The tweet was deleted within eleven minutes. And now, our TV game show The Apprentice Plumber! To win a call-out from a plumber within the same calendar year, text 4123 and answer: 'How many cups of tea must you offer a tradesperson before they start working?' The ball rolls and we are back in action. Tutankhamun picks it up in midfield and plays it forward with purpose. The tempo has shifted. You can feel it.

Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality. Gru pings a long diagonal to Tutankhamun, completely shifts the point of attack. Tutankhamun is eaten alive in the air by the attacker, the duel is lost beyond any doubt. Pure power won the day.

The military personnel finds Tutankhamun in the pocket with a ball into space. Understated quality, no fuss, but devastatingly effective. Tutankhamun smashes it home from Gru's pass but the linesman says NO! Offside, goal disallowed! Mike Wazowski smashes a volley towards Elvis Presley, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper.

Gru plays it to Jesus Christ on the short corner, the defense comes out to press. The messiah finds Jimmy Neutron along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. SHOOOOT from the player! On target but saved by the keeper. In that role, those kind of efforts put the defence under serious pressure.

Absolutely insane recovery run from Pope Francis, covers the entire pitch to come back and save the day. Pope Francis hauls down the man on the break. He knew exactly what he was doing. Pope Francis is cautioned for a cynical bodycheck. The bench nods approvingly. Free kick blocked by the wall! Pope Francis couldn't find a way through. The corner from Jesus Christ is cut out at the near post by a defender, no danger.

Applying the tourniquet, it's become a case of when not if. Elvis Presley lofts a cross into the box, Gru is there, sandwiched between two defenders, ready to pounce. Gru swings in the corner, it's bedlam! The ball bounces around like a pinball, defense clears! The strike from Gru is blocked by a heroic defender who throws his whole body in the way.

Superb! Pope Francis jogs toward the tunnel but stops, turns around, and takes one last look at the pitch under the lights. Mr. Bean waits for him at the door: "Beautiful, isn't it?" Pope Francis nods. They disappear inside. The muffled sound of celebration follows. Magic night. Wayne from Luton says a minimum of four cups of tea and at least one biscuit before any tools come out. Wayne wins the plumber call-out! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

1-2 (L)

It's a goal! Dakar Teranga FC go ahead! The ball was drilled low and hard into the corner.

Mike Wazowski finds the TV camera and kisses it like a long-lost love. Buzz Lightyear plays the jealous partner alongside. The live broadcast lingers for eight solid seconds, the commentators crying with laughter. The memes are already circulating before kickoff resumes.

Pope Francis is brought down in the box! The referee blows and points to the penalty SPOT! The defender protests but the referee is UNMOVED. ABSOLUTE moment of truth! Pope Francis runs up and strikes the penalty... POST! A few inches more and it was in. GOOOOAL from Gru! On the rebound, he was 5 yards out, he prods it into the EMPTY net!

Mike Wazowski distributes short to Jesus Christ, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Jesus Christ lays it off first time to Pope Francis, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Pope Francis pings a ridiculous diagonal to Gru. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat.

Zinedine Zidane triggers a change of flanks for Tutankhamun, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. The overlap from Tutankhamun, he leaves the opposing full-back for dead. The actor plays it simple to Jimmy Neutron, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Change of flanks from Jimmy Neutron, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Mr. Bean.

Long ball from Mike Wazowski for Elvis Presley who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy. Short pass from the military personnel to Mr. Bean, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Mr. Bean plays the simple ball to Zinedine Zidane, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated.

The dressing room reeks of defeat. Not sweat, not Deep Heat, just that horrible invisible stench of a team that has been outfought and outplayed. Vlad the Impaler's eyes are bloodshot. Gru looks like {he} has aged ten years in forty-five minutes. The gaffer stands in the centre and delivers his final words before sending them back out: "If we go down tonight, we go down swinging. Not on our knees. Never on our knees." And finally — Vlad the Impaler was once mistaken for a bouncer outside a kebab shop in Romford at two in the morning. Instead of correcting them, he stood there for forty minutes checking IDs. At 180, nobody questioned it. The man is 595 and a born professional. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 4848 and answer this question: 'Which animal is legally considered furniture in Stoke-on-Trent?' The tunnel spits the players back onto the pitch one by one. Mike Wazowski comes out with that walk. You know the one. Shoulders back, chest out. Something has clicked.

It's there! Dakar Teranga FC tap it in from close range. Where was the marking?

Mike Wazowski mimes a baseball home run, watches the imaginary ball disappear into imaginary clouds, then jogs round the bases. Jimmy Neutron plays the opposing manager crying on the sideline. Mike Wazowski applauds from the centre circle. The home end losing it.

Injury time, and nobody's leaving this ground early tonight. Wave after wave, the defenders are dropping one by one. Zinedine Zidane has a go but it drifts to the right of goal. Not far away though. The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded.

Emergency clearance from the chemist, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play. Zinedine Zidane sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Pope Francis. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. Pope Francis sends in a classic cross, it arrives on Vlad the Impaler in the thick of it. Vlad the Impaler is beaten in the air, the opponent rises above him with authority. That is tough to take. Ball claimed in both hands by Mike Wazowski in his box. Subtle gesture but ultra effective. Top top level.

The team sits deep and absorbs everything, still holding. The internet meme narrows the angle and gathers at the feet. In that position, that courage and reading of the game wins you matches. Mike Wazowski throws it out quickly to Tutankhamun, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Great vision from Tutankhamun who switches to Gru. The defence pivots, but they are too late.

Stodgy, sluggish football, the entertainment has drained out of the game. 80% of the ball and still 0-0, says it all really. Massive diagonal from Tutankhamun! Jimmy Neutron receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards. Overlap from Jimmy Neutron on the left, he bombs towards the byline at full tilt.

Gru keeps possession and plays it short to Vlad the Impaler, new option for Vlad the Impaler to cause trouble. The actor lays it off first time to Pope Francis, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. The chemist butchers that pass, straight to the opposition. Unusual for a player of his calibre. The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in.

Tough one against Dakar Teranga FC. Buzz Lightyear and Zinedine Zidane are the last two off the pitch, like students who don't want to face the headteacher. The tunnel swallows them up. The floodlights buzz. The stands are empty. Football is brilliant and cruel in equal measure. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Geraldine Puddleworth, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which animal is legally considered furniture in Stoke-on-Trent?'. The answer was of course the tortoise, following the Furniture Reclassification Act after one was mistaken for an ottoman for nine years. Geraldine wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

2-2 (L)

Tutankhamun goes to ground and absolutely nails the tackle. Ball won, danger cleared, crowd on their feet. Lightning recovery and attack, they're running riot on the break. MASTERFUL lob from Buzz Lightyear! On the pass from Zinedine Zidane, he spots the keeper off his line and executes with a DELICATE touch. The ball floats over and sails into the goal. SUMPTUOUS GOAL!

Tutankhamun legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Gru tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Ripping counter-attack, the through ball has sliced the back four open. Pope Francis threads the needle between the two centre-backs, Gru bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. GOAL! The vigilante chips the ball over the keeper! In that position, that audacity and composure is what sets you apart from the rest. SUMPTUOUS lob, that is WORLD CLASS!

Crunching tackle by Tutankhamun on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it. Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered. Oh my word Elvis Presley fires and it goes JUST wide! The post must have felt the breeze. Sterile possession, the opposition back four could have a picnic.

Huge tackle from Tutankhamun! Went through the back door and nicked the ball before the striker could get his shot away. Three on one and they find a way to mess it all up, unbelievable. GO ON Zinedine Zidane! He SHOOOOOTS, it's on target but the keeper punches it clear with both fists!

It was bound to happen. Douala Makossa-Corner score and honestly, we deserved that.

Mike Wazowski mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Gru raises Mike Wazowski's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Mike Wazowski plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

The gaffer grabs a marker and circles a spot on the tactics board: "This space here. Between their centre-back and full-back. That is where we win this match." He turns to Elvis Presley: "You find that pocket, you receive, you go. No messing about. Jimmy Neutron, you make the run to drag the defender." Nods all round. A lovely bit of trivia here — Mike Wazowski once got stuck on the M25 for four and a half hours and claims it was the most formative experience of his career. Taught him patience, composure, and an appreciation for Radio 2. He was only 28 at the time. And now, our TV game show The Great British Guess Off! To win a tin of Quality Street with all the good ones already taken, text 0800CHOC and answer: 'Which Quality Street does nobody ever pick first?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Jimmy Neutron high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

The military personnel starts a one-two with Pope Francis, give and go. In that position it is the basics, but he does it with outrageous class. Elvis Presley bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket. The military personnel catches the opponent late. At that position you're always walking a fine line between aggression and discipline. The military personnel plays the free kick short instead of shooting. In that position, that kind of reading of the game at set pieces is pure football IQ.

They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. Vlad the Impaler picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train. A sickening crunch as Vlad the Impaler catches the attacker full on the shin. The crowd gasps. Red card for the actor after a brutal tackle. Playing in that position, you simply cannot afford to do that. Clever free kick from Vlad the Impaler to Buzz Lightyear, they play it short to cut out the wall.

It's a goal for Douala Makossa-Corner! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

Mike Wazowski sprints to the dugout, hugs the physio, then the doc, then finally the gaffer who pretends to push him off but squeezes him anyway. Gru photobombs behind with a perfect grimace. Picture of the season, right there.

Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end. Ball in behind from the actor, Elvis Presley is through on goal. That is the kind of pass that justifies the price tag all on its own. Elvis Presley takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race. Cross from the right by Elvis Presley, the ball sails over everyone and drops towards Jimmy Neutron at the back post. What a SHAMBLES in the box after Jimmy Neutron's corner! Bodies everywhere, somehow the defense holds!

Mike Wazowski goes long for Tutankhamun, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Tutankhamun intercepts the ball, he was a step ahead of everyone on the pitch. Quick one-two between Tutankhamun and Vlad the Impaler, clean as you like, they are moving forward.

One touch football: Zinedine Zidane to Gru, faster than the opposition can think. We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep. Sideways, backwards, sideways again, the crowd is getting restless. Good ball from the chemist to Gru, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Gru charges past his man, the defence is stretched on the flank. Dangerous.

Full time and it's level. Mr. Bean stands in the centre circle with hands on hips, catching his breath. Buzz Lightyear grabs the ball, tucks it under his arm, heads for the tunnel. Not a win, not a loss — just that strange empty feeling of giving everything for very little. Margaret from Didcot says it's the toffee penny and she will die on that hill. She wins the tin of leftovers! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

2-3 (L)

Oh dear, Lagos No-Carry-Last have gone and scored. The defence was all over the place.

Mike Wazowski mimes a baseball home run, watches the imaginary ball disappear into imaginary clouds, then jogs round the bases. Zinedine Zidane plays the opposing manager crying on the sideline. Mike Wazowski applauds from the centre circle. The home end losing it.

The actor floats his free kick into the danger zone. In that position, that quality of delivery from dead balls is an absolute weapon. GOOOOOAL for Elvis Presley! What power on the header from the cross by Buzz Lightyear! The keeper did not even see the ball!

'I told you so' mode. Vlad the Impaler eyeballs the Lagos No-Carry-Last bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Pope Francis pulls Vlad the Impaler away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

Pope Francis intercepts in the opposition half, he read the play three seconds before anyone else. That is defensive caviar. Pope Francis pierces the backline with a low through ball, Buzz Lightyear latches onto it at full tilt. Magnificent. What a nose for goal from Buzz Lightyear! On the rebound, he was on the prowl and places his boot in the right spot. GOAL!

Pope Francis falls to his knees in front of the family section, eyes shut, hands pressed together to the sky. Three seconds of silence in the stadium. Then Mike Wazowski arrives and screams in his ear, and the whole thing explodes. Goosebumps.

Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality. Tutankhamun lights the fuse with a cutting pass for Jesus Christ down the channel. The defence is caught cold, it is over for them. Jesus Christ is a fraction offside when Buzz Lightyear plays the ball, the flag goes up instantly.

The vigilante whips in the corner and it's MAYHEM! In that position, creating panic from set pieces is a massive weapon. Big strike from the messiah, on target but saved. In that role, when you've got that kind of foot on you, you're dangerous at all times.

The gaffer changes everything. Formation, personnel, instructions. Jesus Christ gets shifted. Vlad the Impaler drops deeper. "What we did in the first half never happened, right? We delete it, we burn it, we start fresh." The players listen in grim silence. The second half is a rescue mission now and everyone knows it. Mr. Bean attempted a Jamie Oliver fifteen-minute meal that took the 71-year-old two and a half hours and resulted in what witnesses described as 'a crime against pasta.' The smoke alarm went off thrice. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 5566 and answer this question: 'What did the last pigeon to leave Trafalgar Square write in its resignation letter?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Vlad the Impaler high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

The referee awards a penalty for the messiah! In that position, this is the kind of situation that raises the PRESSURE to maximum. Everything rides on the next few seconds. Jesus Christ's penalty goes over! He's smashed it too hard, it's dramatic.

Classy interception from Tutankhamun, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time. Monumental ball from Tutankhamun to Zinedine Zidane, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Zinedine Zidane rises above his marker and wins the header! He got up higher than everyone. Header lost by Zinedine Zidane, the opponent was just too strong.

GOAL for Lagos No-Carry-Last! Their striker has slotted it home, nothing our keeper could do.

Mr. Bean sees the gap and puts the ball right through it. Buzz Lightyear is racing into the channel, the defence is watching the train leave the station. Heartbreak! Buzz Lightyear finishes brilliantly from Elvis Presley's pass but the flag was up before the ball hit the net! Video review underway, players catching their breath, supporters on the edge of their seats. Incredible tension. The vigilante scores and VAR confirms! In that position, every goal feels that bit more special.

Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed. Elvis Presley tries a crossfield ball to Zinedine Zidane but it is miles too long, the ball sails out. Nothing to salvage. The player does not let up and rips the ball from the opposition's feet. In that position, that kind of high defensive work is worth as much as an assist.

Oh that's poor! Lagos No-Carry-Last score from a set piece. We switched off completely.

Mike Wazowski mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Buzz Lightyear raises Mike Wazowski's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Mike Wazowski plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

Dead time on the pitch, both sides happy to keep it ticking over. Switch from Zinedine Zidane! The ball arcs over the midfield and Jesus Christ collects it on the other side. Stretching the play. The opponent dominates Jesus Christ in the air with worrying ease. Jesus Christ did not have the tools to compete on that one. Massive clearance from Jimmy Neutron, just get the ball as far away as possible. Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper.

High recovery from Zinedine Zidane, he forced the error by hounding the carrier relentlessly. The kind of effort that the stats do not show but that wins football matches. Zinedine Zidane slides it to Buzz Lightyear, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. The wall from Zinedine Zidane is perfect for Buzz Lightyear who collects at full speed. Two passes, one defender eliminated. That is football.

That's that, then. Tutankhamun trudges off with his socks rolled down and his head somewhere else entirely. Buzz Lightyear hangs back to applaud the fans who stayed — there aren't many, but they're still singing. Loyalty like that deserves a nod. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Reginald Flump, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What did the last pigeon to leave Trafalgar Square write in its resignation letter?'. The answer was of course 'I can no longer work in these conditions, the tourists are unbearable and Nelson never says thank you'. Reginald wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

2-2 (L)

The photographer wins the ball back high up after a ferocious press. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: intensity and sacrifice. GOOOAL from the photographer! Toed in to the empty net. In that position, knowing how to be in the right place at the right time is what scores you 20 a season.

Buzz Lightyear legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Zinedine Zidane tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Lightning one-two between Jesus Christ and Gru, so quick the defender is left standing like a statue. Jesus Christ aims like a surgeon on the cross from Buzz Lightyear! Placed finish, the keeper has no chance, GOOOOAL!

It's in! Barranquilla Toque-Toque take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

Double backflip off the penalty spot from Mike Wazowski. Vlad the Impaler is on his knees clapping, Mike Wazowski is screaming 'ARE YOU MENTAL?!' from forty yards away. The home end gets to their feet, flags flapping, scarves overhead. Raw.

Nutmeg from Buzz Lightyear, the ball goes through the defender's legs. Get the camera on that. The photographer bear-hugs the attacker in full sprint, clear foul. Booking for Buzz Lightyear, wrapped his arms around the opponent to kill the momentum. No complaints. Short free kick played by Buzz Lightyear, Pope Francis receives at the edge of the box after the one-two.

Brilliant switch of play from Mr. Bean! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Elvis Presley. What a block from the defender! Elvis Presley hit it well but the defender was right in the firing line.

The gaffer pulls up Barranquilla Toque-Toque's shape on the screen: "See how high their line is? One ball over the top and we are in. Mike Wazowski, you have the pace. Jimmy Neutron, you have the vision. Put it together and we are laughing." It sounds simple. Football always sounds simple at halftime. Doing it is the hard part. The entire squad confirmed that Pope Francis has a secret Love Island group chat where the 90-year-old live-reacts to every recoupling. At 180, watching the big man cry over Casa Amor is apparently hilarious. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 5555 and answer this question: 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?' Forty-five minutes left on the clock. Jimmy Neutron knows it, the fans know it, even the bloke selling pies behind the away end knows it. This is where it matters.

They jump on every pass, the intensity is absolutely frightening. Vlad the Impaler flies into the ball carrier and forces the mistake. Ball won back in the opposition half, that is exactly the plan. Good ball from the actor to Pope Francis, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does.

Zinedine Zidane and Buzz Lightyear find each other blindfolded, instant one-two, the channel is open. Blistering run from Zinedine Zidane on the wing, the defender is chasing but never catches up. Neat lay-off from Zinedine Zidane for Vlad the Impaler in the box, the ball is on a plate, clean as a whistle.

Last minute of regulation time, playing with their teeth in the ball. Mike Wazowski, the internet meme, is up for the corner! Goal is wide open behind him. The player rises above everyone and wins the header. In that position, aerial dominance is what separates the good from the great. Mr. Bean gives it to Elvis Presley into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision.

Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. Elvis Presley finds the gap and serves Gru in behind the last man. That is three-cushion snooker, that is. Gru hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust. Gru gets to the byline and whips one in, the ball floats into the area looking for the head of Jesus Christ. Dangerous corner from the messiah, the defense is all over the place! In that role, that delivery quality on corners makes you invaluable.

Tight-knit defense, compact shape, the opposition has to shoot from distance. We all thought that was over but Mr. Bean comes steaming back from the other end of the pitch to clear the danger. Brilliant tackle from Mr. Bean! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending.

Oh that's terrible! Barranquilla Toque-Toque score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Mike Wazowski is at the centre, lifted up by Gru and Mike Wazowski, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. Barranquilla Toque-Toque's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

We're into injury time, the atmosphere could not be more charged. Zinedine Zidane chats with the ref after every whistle, precious time gone. Clumsy challenge from Zinedine Zidane, stands on the opponent's foot. Unintentional but still a foul. Zinedine Zidane sends a wicked free kick into the area, Buzz Lightyear is lurking with intent. Buzz Lightyear meets the cross from Gru with his head, it is wide! The keeper did not even move.

Points shared with Barranquilla Toque-Toque. Mr. Bean slumps against the corner flag for a few seconds before pulling himself up. Jesus Christ has a chinwag with their number 10 — old pals from the academy days. Football brings people together, even when nobody's really won. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Gerald Musty-Carpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?'. The answer was of course the M42, originally called the Badger's Lament until the council shortened it. Gerald wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-1 (L)

Rapid turnover and they're bearing down on goal, heart-in-mouth stuff. The vigilante finds the gap that nobody else saw and puts Pope Francis clean through. Pure genius from that position. GOAL! What a LOB from Pope Francis! On the pass from Buzz Lightyear, he spots the keeper off his line and chips it with the TOP of his foot. The ball drops just on the line and goes in. CLASSY!

Gru mimes smashing a penalty into the top corner, arm raised in frozen follow-through. Mike Wazowski does the wave with contortionist grace. Mike Wazowski solemnly applauds. The home end copies the movement in cadence.

Elvis Presley beats man after man and drives forward on his own, opponents are scattered like skittles. Wicked through ball from Elvis Presley, the ball skims the grass and finds Jimmy Neutron who had set off before anyone else even noticed. That goes very very far from Jimmy Neutron! The ball practically leaves the stadium, the keeper's laughing. The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch.

Oh no, Montevideo Garra-Charrúa score! Their forward was left completely unmarked, schoolboy defending.

Mike Wazowski runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Vlad the Impaler joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

Mike Wazowski plays it short to Jimmy Neutron, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Error from the player, the pass is too soft and the opponent intercepts. Happens to the best of them. That's a beauty from Zinedine Zidane! Slides across the turf and takes the ball off the attacker's boot. Clinical defending. Breakaway at full throttle, the centre-backs are hopelessly out of position.

Every player defending like their life depends on it, the block stands firm. Clinical interception from Jesus Christ, he cuts out the pass between the opposition lines and breaks forward on the counter. The crowd loves it, and rightly so. Lightning counter, striker's away on his bike and the defence is chasing shadows.

The gaffer stops pacing and faces the squad: "We are lukewarm. And lukewarm does not win football matches. I need someone to grab this game by the throat." He stares directly at Jimmy Neutron. "That is your job. 28 years old, best years of your life. Show me something." The room holds its breath. Jimmy Neutron once tweeted 'rate my Sunday roast' and the entire internet destroyed the 28-year-old for putting the Yorkshire puddings on a separate plate. The tweet was deleted within eleven minutes. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 9090 and answer this question: 'In what year did queueing become a competitive sport in Britain?' Gru trots out with a fresh shirt and a look that could curdle milk. Whatever happened in that dressing room has put fire in {his} belly.

Mr. Bean scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive. No runs in behind, no penetration, just ball retention for its own sake. The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. Good ball from the military personnel to Pope Francis, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Stunning one-two between Pope Francis and Gru, the defender has been wiped out without anyone touching him. Top drawer.

Tutankhamun with an absolutely perfect sliding tackle, takes the ball right off the attacker's toes. Nothing given, play on! Ball won, three passes, one shot, that's top-drawer transitional football. The vigilante overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon. Great overlap from Gru down the flank, pinpoint cross for Zinedine Zidane in the area. This is the moment.

Jesus Christ reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. Jesus Christ picks it up and goes coast to coast like a man possessed. Nobody is stopping him. Smart pass from Jesus Christ into the hole for Jimmy Neutron, not to feet, into the run. That is proper football.

Gru whips the ball into the box from the free kick, Elvis Presley throws himself at it for a header. The military personnel tries to cross but it is blocked. In that position, you know not every ball is getting through. The corner from Elvis Presley is immediately cleared at the near post, the defence is alert.

Wall combination between Vlad the Impaler and Gru, fluid, rapid, and it creates an overload going forward. Nutmeg from Vlad the Impaler on his marker, the ball pops out the other side. Disrespectful. The actor lays it off first time to Jesus Christ, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Burst of speed from the messiah down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs.

Jimmy Neutron is beaten to the header by the opposition striker, he was a fraction late on the timing of his jump. Mike Wazowski loses control, the ball escapes him and rolls right in the box! Massive scare! Driven kick from Mike Wazowski to Zinedine Zidane, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Zinedine Zidane links up with Tutankhamun, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up.

1-1, 2-2, doesn't matter — it's a draw. Buzz Lightyear shakes the ref's hand on autopilot, already miles away. Mike Wazowski goes to applaud the travelling support — polite clap back. Nobody's sulking, but nobody's singing either. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Beryl Curtain-Twitch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'In what year did queueing become a competitive sport in Britain?'. The answer was of course 1847, and Team GB has won gold at every Olympics since, though nobody noticed because the medal ceremony queue was too long. Beryl wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

1-1 (L)

GOAAAL for Buenos Aires Pecho Frío! The keeper got a hand to it but couldn't keep it out.

The goal is shaking, every shot has the crowd on their feet. Unbelievable, Mike Wazowski has come all the way into the opposition box, goal left wide open. GOOOAL from the actor with his head! In that position, knowing how to assert yourself in the air like that is what makes you indispensable.

Dead defender. Mike Wazowski mimes a sniper taking aim at the travelling support, finger pulled like a trigger, cold as ice. Gru completes the choreography by collapsing. Mike Wazowski arrives late, throws himself on the pile, sends a roar through the stands.

Zinedine Zidane launches it to Buzz Lightyear on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. The photographer bends the ball into the box for Jesus Christ. The kind of delivery that makes the difference in the big games. Wasted cross from Jesus Christ, the keeper collects easily in his six-yard box. No danger whatsoever. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages. Buzz Lightyear swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Pope Francis, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision.

Short pass from the military personnel to Jimmy Neutron, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Short build-up from Jimmy Neutron to Buzz Lightyear, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Ball over the top from Buzz Lightyear, Vlad the Impaler had timed the run half a second early and the timing is perfection. Overlap from the actor with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy.

Pope Francis fires the ball over to Vlad the Impaler with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book. Vlad the Impaler wins the header and flicks it on for Jimmy Neutron. He took the elevator while the rest were queuing for the stairs. The actor launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. Aerial duel lost by Tutankhamun, he misjudged the flight of the ball and the opponent pounced.

Mike Wazowski stands up without being asked: "We need to show some bottle, lads. This is not a friendly against Buenos Aires Pecho Frío. Where is the fight? Where is the desire?" The gaffer nods slowly. Vlad the Impaler cracks {his} knuckles. The message lands. Sometimes the players need to hear it from one of their own. Vlad the Impaler once bumped into David Attenborough at a Tesco Express and panicked so badly the 595-year-old dropped an entire basket of Pot Noodles. Sir David apparently whispered 'fascinating specimen.' And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 1515 and answer this question: 'In which decade was the gravy boat officially classified as a vessel?' The floodlights feel brighter for the second half. Mike Wazowski squints up at them, takes a deep breath, and takes {his} position. Forty-five minutes. Everything to play for.

Crucial intervention from the player, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on. Almighty boot from Mr. Bean who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe.

Gru takes the corner but the opposition defence is well organized, cleared. Superb diagonal from the player to Gru, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. Superb leap from Gru who wins the aerial duel hands down. The opposition striker can only watch from below. Lovely use of the ball by Gru, finding Zinedine Zidane in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Zinedine Zidane triggers the one-two with Gru in tight spaces. It goes, it comes back, and the defender is left watching planes.

Diagonal from Gru to Jesus Christ, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. The messiah wins the aerial duel with authority. In that position, heading is the foundation, and he has just reminded everyone why he starts. Jesus Christ feeds Gru in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. They're monopolizing the ball but it's all hot air, nothing in the box. Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end.

Smooth transition from Gru to Zinedine Zidane, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Zinedine Zidane rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Pope Francis. The far side is completely deserted. Good delivery from Pope Francis off the left flank, Buzz Lightyear positions himself between the two centre-halves. The cross from Buzz Lightyear is a gift for the keeper who catches it with total composure.

We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough. Raking ball from the military personnel to Mr. Bean, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. Mr. Bean rises like an eagle and wins the header. The ball is cleared far, the danger is over. Mr. Bean shifts it to Vlad the Impaler with a short pass, threading it between two defenders.

We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. Zinedine Zidane plays it simple to Mr. Bean, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Cut-back along the turf from the player for Elvis Presley. That kind of low delivery takes serious game intelligence. Mike Wazowski blocks the shot with an authoritative hand! No goal, the keeper is watching everything.

Level at the final whistle. Jimmy Neutron and Mike Wazowski walk side by side toward the tunnel without a word. The rain is drizzling gently. A point isn't great, isn't disaster — just exactly what today was worth. The dressing room will be quiet. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Norman Pebbledash, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'In which decade was the gravy boat officially classified as a vessel?'. The answer was of course the 1960s, when the Royal Navy briefly commissioned HMS Brown Sauce. Norman wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

1-1 (L)

The gaffer is out of his technical area, demanding one last effort. Mike Wazowski leaving his goal empty, it's a gamble but they have to believe. Zinedine Zidane stretches in the air and powers the header of the match! On the cross from Gru, it is in the top corner. GOAL!

OHHH Vlad the Impaler drags the attacker back by the jersey, blatant foul! The referee's had enough. Yellow card for Vlad the Impaler, persistent fouling. The free kick from the actor sails over the bar. In that position, you have got to be hitting the target from those situations.

Quick exchange between Jimmy Neutron and Mr. Bean, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Mr. Bean beats his man with a sharp dribble, instant change of direction. Free kick conceded by the player, clips the opponent from behind. Part of the defensive duties, you have to stop the runner. Mr. Bean is cautioned, that challenge was dangerous and completely unnecessary. Mr. Bean curls his free kick but the wall jumps and blocks it. Missed.

Sideways ball from Jimmy Neutron to Pope Francis, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Pope Francis sends Tutankhamun into acres of space with a clipped ball over the top. The defence turns, but it is way too late. The actor accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything.

GOAL! Rio Malandro FC have netted! Their forward pounced on the loose ball. Clinical.

Mike Wazowski climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Buzz Lightyear films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Nobody is talking but everyone is thinking. Mike Wazowski reties {his} laces for the fourth time. Jesus Christ cracks {his} neck left, then right. The scoreline is level and the anxiety is palpable. The gaffer finally speaks: "Fifteen minutes. Give me fifteen minutes of proper intensity at the start of the second half and we win this." We can confirm that Mike Wazowski owns a caravan called 'The Palace' which is parked permanently in a field near Whitby. It has no running water, a portable telly, and a signed photo of Peter Crouch. At 180, he can barely stand up inside it. And now, our TV game show The Generation Game of Moaning! To win a cuddly toy and a conveyor belt of nostalgia, text 5678 and answer: 'What item on the conveyor belt does every British person always forget?' Right then, part two. Buzz Lightyear adjusts {his} shin pads one last time and looks up. The floodlights catch the determination in {his} eyes. Forty-five minutes to make it count.

Jesus Christ reads that pass like an open book, surgical interception. Turnover and they're off to the races, a proper counter-punch. Gru charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible. The vigilante unleashes a rocket, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper is there. In that position, having that kind of shooting ability is a proper weapon.

Mike Wazowski lumps it long towards Zinedine Zidane, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. Zinedine Zidane loses his duel in the air on the cross, the opponent got better positioning. Mike Wazowski dives head-first and turns the strike away! Courage and reflexes, all there. On the corner from Elvis Presley, Buzz Lightyear is there for the header but it goes over. So frustrating.

Elvis Presley explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening. Elvis Presley sends in a curling delivery, Jimmy Neutron peels off the back of his marker and finds space. Jimmy Neutron tries to whip one in but it is cleared by a defender who read it all the way. Tough luck. The vigilante hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did.

Mike Wazowski fires it out quickly by hand to Elvis Presley, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart. Elvis Presley wins it in the air with terrifying ease. The opponent just got a masterclass in aerial dominance. The military personnel plays it simple to Jimmy Neutron, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. SHOOOOOT from Jimmy Neutron, it's heading for the corner but the keeper gets across and tips it wide!

Flawless defense, players throwing their bodies on the line to protect the goal. Interception from Mr. Bean right through the middle, he anticipated the switch of play and placed himself right in the passing lane. Pure intelligence. Lightning-quick counter, they've torn up the pitch in six seconds flat.

Stunning tackle by Tutankhamun in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. Tutankhamun picks up the ball and decides to go end to end, defenders fall one by one. Ball loss from the actor on a dribble. In that role, taking risks is fine, but the timing has to be spot on. The military personnel intercepts the pass with textbook reading of the game. In that position, it is that intelligence that separates a good player from a great one.

A draw — that grey zone. Vlad the Impaler signs autographs on his way off, a kid hands him a scuffed old ball. Pope Francis adds his signature. Kids don't see draws the way grown-ups do. To them it's still magic. That puts things in perspective. Melvyn from Huddersfield says it's always the cuddly toy because your brain goes blank when the conveyor belt starts moving. Cuddly toy for Melvyn! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

1-2 (L)

The chemist reads the pass and intercepts cleanly. When you have that reading ability in that position, you snuff out attacks before they even begin. The chemist winds up from 28 yards and the ball ends top bins! In that position, daring and succeeding like that is the mark of the greats. GOAL!

Jesus Christ boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go. Zinedine Zidane wins the aerial battle against the attacker, he jumped earlier, higher, and stronger. Total domination. Zinedine Zidane rolls it to Elvis Presley, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation.

GOAL! Istanbul Cehennem FK have made it count! The defence was caught ball-watching, criminal stuff.

Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative. Tutankhamun looks up and launches a long pass towards Buzz Lightyear. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Buzz Lightyear spreads it to Zinedine Zidane, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right.

Dangerous delivery from the military personnel on the free kick! In that position, knowing where to put the ball in the box is an asset that is worth its weight in gold. Jesus Christ climbs above everyone and powers a header... wide. What a waste. Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. Sterile stuff this, pass after pass going nowhere fast.

"You are having a laugh, aren't you?" The gaffer's voice drips with sarcasm. "Honestly, I thought I was watching a different team out there. Zinedine Zidane, you have barely touched the ball. Tutankhamun, you have given it away six times. SIX TIMES. We are getting absolutely battered and you lot look like you could not care less." A scouting report from Jimmy Neutron's youth days says — and I quote — 'technically raw, but can eat a full Sunday roast in under eight minutes.' That kind of efficiency translates to the pitch. He's now 28 and hasn't slowed down at the dinner table. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 5577 and answer this question: 'How wide is a standard British sense of awkwardness?' And the second half is go! Mr. Bean charges forward from kick-off like a man possessed. The gaffer watches from the technical area, arms folded. Let us see what happens.

Zinedine Zidane plays the one-two with Elvis Presley, give and go, that is absolutely silky! Zinedine Zidane is well offside there. Pope Francis tried to find him but the run was mistimed. Tidy restart from Mike Wazowski along the deck to Mr. Bean, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Mr. Bean picks out Zinedine Zidane with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice.

Oh no, Istanbul Cehennem FK have scored from the spot! Cool as you like into the corner.

Mike Wazowski and Buzz Lightyear do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Mike Wazowski arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

Emergency clearance from the actor, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play. The actor opens up to Jimmy Neutron on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Looping cross from Jimmy Neutron, it sails over the centre-halves and drops towards Pope Francis. Danger. The opponent beats Pope Francis to the near post and wins the header. Pope Francis was caught on his heels. Aerial claim from the internet meme, ball in the gloves. When your keeper comes out like that, you know you can defend high without fear.

Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. Elvis Presley winds up the right foot and LEEEEETS FLY! On target, heading top bins but the keeper claws it out! Elvis Presley sends the corner in but a defender gets there first and heads it out for a throw. Pope Francis senses the pass coming and cuts the trajectory. The opponent is dispossessed without even being touched. That is football at its beautiful best. Pope Francis to Vlad the Impaler, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf.

Elvis Presley takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race. Elvis Presley goes down in the box after contact with the defender. The referee does not hesitate for a SECOND and awards a penalty! CRUCIAL moment of the match! The cameras roll, VAR zooms in, the referee hesitates. This is excruciating. VAR has decided: no penalty! There was no foul on Elvis Presley! Mike Wazowski sends an absolute rocket towards Vlad the Impaler, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch.

Zinedine Zidane puts it right into the feet of Jimmy Neutron, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Jimmy Neutron slides a beauty through the gap, Buzz Lightyear is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. Buzz Lightyear picks his spot and FIRES! On target, arrowing towards the top corner but the keeper tips it over!

The corner from Jimmy Neutron is met by a defender who volleys it out for a throw-in. Well spotted by Mr. Bean who cuts out the pass, that is pure anticipation. Mr. Bean slips Jesus Christ in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever.

That hurts. Mike Wazowski leans against the tunnel wall, eyes closed, letting the cold concrete cool his head. Jesus Christ stops beside him: "We go again Saturday." Mike Wazowski nods, but right now Saturday feels like a lifetime away. The bus is quiet. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Geraldine Puddleworth, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How wide is a standard British sense of awkwardness?'. The answer was of course approximately the width of a bus shelter, expanding to cathedral size when someone waves at you and you wave back but they were waving at someone else. Geraldine wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-0 (W)

Moment of truth, heroes rise or hearts break. Mike Wazowski is up for the corner! The keeper has left his goal, this is the last roll of the dice. GOOOAL for Zinedine Zidane! Perfect downward header on the delivery from Vlad the Impaler, the ball bounces in front of the keeper and ends up in the net!

'I told you so' mode. Mike Wazowski eyeballs the Milano Piano-Piano bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Jimmy Neutron pulls Mike Wazowski away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

Body feint from Buzz Lightyear, the defender slides the wrong way. That is embarrassing for the marker. The photographer pulls the attacker's shirt, referee blows without hesitation. The ref shows Buzz Lightyear yellow for taking out the legs on the counter. Classic tactical booking. The free kick is played short by Buzz Lightyear to Zinedine Zidane, smart approach that.

The timing is everything: Tutankhamun releases the ball at the perfect moment and Zinedine Zidane explodes into the space behind. The defence is cooked. Zinedine Zidane lets it go and it's wide. Not far from the post but not quite on target. Frustrating. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions. The messiah trips the opponent to halt the break. Comes with the territory in that position, sometimes you just have to foul.

Line-breaking pass from Zinedine Zidane! The ball slices through the centre-halves and Tutankhamun picks it up at full pace. Devastating. Rush out from Mike Wazowski! He smothers the opponent and gathers the ball. COMPOSURE of an exceptional keeper. Mike Wazowski rolls it short to Elvis Presley into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play.

Tutankhamun absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare. The actor switches the play to Jimmy Neutron, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. Aerial duel won by Jimmy Neutron in his own box. He took the lift to the top floor and cleaned up everything.

Someone has brought a bag of Haribo into the dressing room and it is absolute carnage. Elvis Presley is hoarding the fried eggs. Mike Wazowski is fighting over the last cola bottle. The gaffer watches the chaos with the resigned smile of a man who has seen it all. "You lot are like a bunch of kids. Right, listen up, here is the plan for the second half." Buzz Lightyear sparked a full dressing room meltdown by declaring custard creams superior to bourbons. At 28, the 180-tall midfielder stood firm while chaos erupted — the manager had to intervene with a tin of Foxes assortment. And now, our TV game show Total Wipeout at the Buffet! To win an all-you-can-eat carvery voucher for the whole family, text 0800ROAST and answer: 'What is the maximum number of Yorkshire puddings one person can fit on a single plate?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Jesus Christ wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

Pope Francis sees everything, understands everything, and intercepts at the perfect moment. That is the kind of player who makes a team unbeatable. They've broken like lightning, the keeper's the only man left to beat. The actor spots the run and threads a beauty in behind the defence for Pope Francis. That is exactly why he is out there. No question about that one, Pope Francis was clearly offside when Tutankhamun released the pass.

The messiah produces the tackle of the match, impeccable timing and technique. That ability to read the game defensively from that position is absolutely priceless. They're away in transition, pace to burn, it's like watching a freight train. The vigilante has a crack and FIIIIRES! On target but the keeper saves. In that position, you've got to be brave enough to shoot and he absolutely was. Corner from Gru into the danger zone but the defence stands firm, headed away.

High recovery from the photographer who hounds the carrier until he coughs it up. In that role, pressing is not a bonus, it is part of the job description. Lob attempt from Buzz Lightyear, the keeper is off his line but the ball rises too high and clears the bar. Frustrating. Mike Wazowski finds Mr. Bean with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money.

This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive. Foul by the photographer, pulls the opponent back. In that role you learn quickly when a tactical foul is worth it. Yellow card for Buzz Lightyear, the accumulation of fouls made this inevitable. Buzz Lightyear has a go from the free kick but the wall repels it. That's that.

Short distribution from Mike Wazowski to Buzz Lightyear, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. Lay-off from Buzz Lightyear to Gru, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever.

Get in! Elvis Presley and Mr. Bean do the customary shirt swap with a couple of Milano Piano-Piano players — handshakes, mutual respect, the lot. Then Elvis Presley turns to the home end and cups his ears. The roar nearly takes the roof off. Pub's gonna be lively tonight. Gary from Sheffield says seven Yorkshire puddings is the absolute minimum and anyone who says fewer is not to be trusted. Carvery voucher for Gary! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-0 (W)

Vlad the Impaler plays the short corner to Jesus Christ, a little combination on the flank. Low cut-back from Jesus Christ, the ball threads between the defender's legs and reaches Zinedine Zidane. What PRESENCE from Zinedine Zidane in the box! He toes the ball into the net. PURE OPPORTUNIST'S GOAL!

Vlad the Impaler scans the family section, finds them, blows kisses with both hands. His kids are crying on their mum's shoulder. Elvis Presley is already there for the instagram shot. Scenes that make you remember why you fell for this game.

The actor puts a pinpoint free kick into the box. In that position, that precision from set pieces is what makes the difference in the big games. Enormous leap from the chemist who wins the header. In that role, a player who wins his aerial duels like that is an insurance policy. The chemist roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head. The chemist fouls the opponent to break up the attack. It's part of the job at that position, knowing when to take one for the team. Pope Francis gives it to Buzz Lightyear from the free kick, little dummy to create the angle.

Good ball from Gru to Jesus Christ, playing it quick between the lines. The messiah cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for Vlad the Impaler. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat. Offside by a nose for Vlad the Impaler on the ball from Elvis Presley! You'd need a microscope for that one. The internet meme finds Tutankhamun with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Tutankhamun puts in a crunching challenge, all ball, no foul. The attacker's left with absolutely nothing.

Jesus Christ reads the attempted through ball and intercepts in stride. The defence wanted to play it quick, but Jesus Christ was quicker. Win the ball, punch forward, the transition is electric! Burst of speed from Zinedine Zidane, he devours the left flank in a matter of seconds. Impressive. Zinedine Zidane winds up and FIIIIRES! On target! But the keeper pushes it away for a corner.

The player pulls out a roulette on the defender. In that position, a skill move like that is the cherry on top. Jimmy Neutron sets it for Gru, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Ball into space from the vigilante for Pope Francis, the channel is wide open. When you have got that kind of vision, you cause damage.

The gaffer walks in, points at the lads, and simply says: "That is exactly what I asked for. Keep it up." Elvis Presley nods, ice pack on the knee, cool as you like. Tutankhamun is already talking about where they are going for dinner. Nando's gets three votes. The chippy gets five. Democracy in action. A cracking detail — Jesus Christ, standing at 180, once tried to fix a leaky tap in the dressing room and flooded the entire physio area. He blamed the water pressure, which is the most British excuse anyone has ever given for anything. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a Boots meal deal every day for a month, text 3501 and answer: 'Is a sausage roll from Greggs a breakfast or a lifestyle?' And they are off! Pope Francis touches the ball first and lays it wide. The tempo is up already. Whatever the gaffer said at halftime, it has done the trick.

The opposition piles forward but the block is impenetrable. Tutankhamun thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work. Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll. Pope Francis spots Mr. Bean in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness.

Mike Wazowski takes his time and plays it short to Pope Francis. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. The chemist gives it straight to the opposition. That sort of waste is not forgiven at his level. Zinedine Zidane lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war.

The chemist shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Mr. Bean. Pure quality, as per usual. Cross from Mr. Bean, he puts it on the far post for Pope Francis. The opponent gets the better of the chemist in the header. In his role, that is the kind of situation where concentration must be at its peak.

The corner from the military personnel was spot on but the header goes over. In that position, you do your job with the delivery, the attackers need to finish. Emergency clearance from the actor, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play. Flat atmosphere, flat game, everyone looks half asleep. Long ball from Zinedine Zidane to Pope Francis, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing.

Gorgeous crossfield ball from Zinedine Zidane to Elvis Presley, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow. Elvis Presley tries to open it up for Tutankhamun but the timing is miles off. Possession lost. Jimmy Neutron brings the opponent down with a cynical challenge. Nothing malicious, just effective. Lovely cross from the player on the free kick! In that position, when you have got that kind of delivery, you become the set piece specialist.

What a performance! Jimmy Neutron exchanges jerseys with the Sevilla Olé-Olé skipper — firm handshake, quiet word, respect between competitors. Then he turns and unleashes a primal scream at the sky. Pope Francis just laughs. "He does that every time we win," he tells the camera. Young Callum from Croydon says it is absolutely a lifestyle and Greggs should be on the national curriculum. Meal deals for a month! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-2 (L)

Gru sees Vlad the Impaler peel off and plays him in on the short corner, they're setting up the second wave. Low cut-back from the actor for Jesus Christ. The bare minimum for a wide player, but delivered with outrageous quality. OOOOH the POACHER'S goal from Jesus Christ! The keeper spilled, he was THERE, he poked it in. GOAL!

Gru climbs onto Buzz Lightyear's shoulders, arms spread, like a living statue in the centre circle. Mike Wazowski circles round them pretending to take photos with an imaginary phone. The Kop chants 'Champions' at full volume.

Tutankhamun produces a sensational tackle in the box, wins the ball, no penalty shout. That takes serious courage. Phenomenal run from Tutankhamun, he cuts through the midfield like a hot knife through butter. The actor loses the ball trying to dribble. In that position, you have got to pick your moments, and that was one too many. Jesus Christ anticipates the lofted pass and intercepts with his chest. Total control, maximum game intelligence.

GOAL! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein are celebrating! Their attacker made it look far too easy.

Mike Wazowski sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. Tutankhamun snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. Mike Wazowski waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

Mike Wazowski launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Jimmy Neutron after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. Decisive glance from Jimmy Neutron who spots the pass leaving the boot and throws himself into the trajectory. What a lifesaving interception.

The actor plays it simple to Vlad the Impaler, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. The actor spots the run and threads a beauty in behind the defence for Jimmy Neutron. That is exactly why he is out there. Burst of pace from Jimmy Neutron on the wing, the full-back cannot live with that speed. Jimmy Neutron crosses from the wing, the ball flies across the box like a missile and Pope Francis is there to meet it. What a scramble from Pope Francis's corner! The ball refuses to go dead, defense finally clears!

The dressing room reeks of defeat. Not sweat, not Deep Heat, just that horrible invisible stench of a team that has been outfought and outplayed. Pope Francis's eyes are bloodshot. Mike Wazowski looks like {he} has aged ten years in forty-five minutes. The gaffer stands in the centre and delivers his final words before sending them back out: "If we go down tonight, we go down swinging. Not on our knees. Never on our knees." A scouting report from Pope Francis's youth days says — and I quote — 'technically raw, but can eat a full Sunday roast in under eight minutes.' That kind of efficiency translates to the pitch. He's now 90 and hasn't slowed down at the dinner table. And now, our TV game show Grand Designs Over Budget! To win a bag of cement and an architect's apology, text 5234 and answer: 'By what percentage does a Grand Designs project typically exceed its budget?' Out they come. Jimmy Neutron has changed {his} boots at the break and is already pinging the ball around to get a feel. Business time.

On the corner from Gru, Jimmy Neutron wins the aerial duel but his header goes over. Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. The messiah lays it off first time to Gru, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre.

Oh no, München Ordnung-Muss-Sein score a worldie! Fair play, but our hearts are sinking.

Mike Wazowski stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Zinedine Zidane follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Mike Wazowski plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

Gru changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Elvis Presley. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Bad pass from the military personnel, the weight is completely off. In that position, that kind of mistake can be very costly. Lifesaving clearance from Gru! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters. The messiah shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Vlad the Impaler. Pure quality, as per usual.

Gru opens up to Tutankhamun on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Close-quarters dribble from Tutankhamun, he finds space where there is none.

Gru takes on his man with a sharp turn, one touch and it is done. Clean. That's a swan dive from Gru! He'd get a ten from the Olympic judges. Yellow card! Gru booked for simulation, the ref saw right through that dive. Gru strikes but the wall stands firm, it's blocked. The corner from Elvis Presley is headed away by the defence at the near post.

Firm pass from Gru into Mr. Bean, right into the boots. No waste. Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill. You can feel the stadium rising, the goal feels like it's coming.

Tutankhamun unleashes a raking ball out to Zinedine Zidane, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. It falls apart for Zinedine Zidane, the pass goes the wrong way entirely, the opponent recovers and starts again. Decisive interception from the actor, he cut out the passing lane as if he knew the opposition game plan. That is exactly what you want from a player in that role. The actor opens up to Zinedine Zidane on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver.

Loss against München Ordnung-Muss-Sein and it stings. Jimmy Neutron still goes over to the travelling fans, hand on heart, mouthing "sorry" through the drizzle. Pope Francis follows. The away end responds with a round of applause that almost makes it worse. These fans deserve better. Clive from Oxfordshire says three hundred percent over budget and the glass staircase alone cost more than the original house. Bag of cement for Clive! Coming up after the break: 'Escape to the Country, but the budget is £47 and the country is a layby near Swindon.' Dreams are free. Houses are not.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

0-1 (L)

The player floats his free kick into the danger zone. In that position, that quality of delivery from dead balls is an absolute weapon. Elvis Presley gets his head on it, good timing but wrong direction, it drifts wide. The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. Passing it around in the centre circle, not a single risk taken.

Royal interception from Tutankhamun! He positions himself in the passing corridor and plucks the ball out of thin air. Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly.

They've scored! London Three-Pints break the deadlock and the momentum has completely shifted.

We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. The actor switches the play to Mr. Bean, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. Quick transition, three touches and they're through on goal, but the finish lets them down.

Pope Francis clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched. 70% possession, zero chances created, you can't win games like that. Shifting pass from Zinedine Zidane to Gru, the ball drifts into the free zone and Gru is onto it in two strides. The vigilante gives it straight to the opposition. That sort of waste is not forgiven at his level.

The gaffer changes everything. Formation, personnel, instructions. Tutankhamun gets shifted. Gru drops deeper. "What we did in the first half never happened, right? We delete it, we burn it, we start fresh." The players listen in grim silence. The second half is a rescue mission now and everyone knows it. Club sources confirm Mike Wazowski has a standing order at the local chippy for a large cod, chips, curry sauce, and a pickled egg every Friday without exception. At 28, the 180-tall star calls it 'essential recovery nutrition.' And now, our TV game show Grand Designs Over Budget! To win a bag of cement and an architect's apology, text 5234 and answer: 'By what percentage does a Grand Designs project typically exceed its budget?' The dressing rooms empty and the pitch fills up again. Tutankhamun does a few quick stretches on the touchline before jogging into position. Ready for war.

The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge. The military personnel fouls the opponent to break up the attack. It's part of the job at that position, knowing when to take one for the team.

Mr. Bean delivers a tidy ball to Gru, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Gru plays it simple to Tutankhamun, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Magnificent shift from Tutankhamun! Gru picks it up in space, no marker in sight, the pitch is his. Step-over from Gru, he ghosts past his man in one move! The vigilante lays it off first time to Mr. Bean, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre.

The actor slides in with a perfect tackle and wins the ball. That's exactly the kind of intervention you want from someone in that position. Ball in behind from the actor, Gru is through on goal. That is the kind of pass that justifies the price tag all on its own. Gru picks his spot and SHOOTS! Wide of the near post, genuinely not far off. The game is crying out for a moment of magic, nothing's happening.

The crowd is on its feet, every ball is ending up in the box. Stunning scenes, Mike Wazowski abandoning his goal and taking a position in the opposition area. Diving header from Zinedine Zidane on the cross from Tutankhamun! Beautiful effort but it is wide, gutting! Mike Wazowski sparks the transition with a quick throw to Vlad the Impaler, the break is lightning fast.

Free kick crossed in by the military personnel into the box! In that position, putting deliveries like that into the area is what creates danger at every set piece. Mike Wazowski plucks the cross like picking a flower, the whole defence breathes a sigh of relief. The internet meme throws it out to Vlad the Impaler, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything.

Elvis Presley combines with Zinedine Zidane from the free kick, the little pass takes the wall out of the equation. Driven cross from Zinedine Zidane into the box, Buzz Lightyear arrives at full pace at the near post. This smells like a goal. Lovely take from the internet meme! Aerial command nailed down, that is what you ask of a modern keeper, to rule his box.

It's done. London Three-Pints win, we lose, the table doesn't lie. Mike Wazowski and Zinedine Zidane walk out together, bags over shoulders, eyes on the floor. The security guard holds the door and says nothing. Outside, it's started raining. Of course it has. Clive from Oxfordshire says three hundred percent over budget and the glass staircase alone cost more than the original house. Bag of cement for Clive! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.