My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇬🇧

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

98-126 (L)

Detroit Engine-Roar again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

SKIP PASS! Victor Wembanyama fires it cross court to Spider-Man and the defense is dead in the water! This is the counter: Spider-Man punished a defense that kept going under, and now they have to rip up the game plan. Oldest play in the book and it still works: Goku passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. Somebody show the rest of the league what the farmer just did on that block. Footwork straight out of 1987!

That is vision. Victor Wembanyama sees the pocket open for a tenth of a second and puts the ball in it. DOUBLE DRIBBLE! Hulk picked it up, put it back down, and the whistle went off like a smoke alarm.

From WAY downtown off the pop! Spider-Man with the extra pass and CASH. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and Kevin Durant is walking back with both hands on his head.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Detroit Engine-Roar with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Break. Victor Wembanyama collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Locker room intel: Victor Wembanyama has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. And now, our halftime TV game show Deal or No Deal or Maybe! To win a novelty belt buckle roughly the size of a hubcap, text HOOPS to 555-0396 and answer this question: 'What is the top speed of a shopping cart with one bad wheel?' Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.

The superhero is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. The farmer just ran that two-man game like he has a decade of film on it. Somebody get this man a contract. Missed layup for the scientist and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

Turnover, layup, Detroit Engine-Roar straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Trapped in the corner of the backcourt, Victor Wembanyama picks up his dribble, and the clock does the rest.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Detroit Engine-Roar with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Spider-Man controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. OHHHHH HE SNATCHED HIS ANKLES! Hulk left him on the hardwood and this building is SHAKING! Shot clock at one, and Hulk just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing.

They just emptied an entire pro floor for the superhero. Read that back to yourself and tell me this league is normal. Back breaker. A four point play swings this thing by two full possessions, and Spider-Man did it with a hand in his face.

Spider-Man runs the baseline high-fiving every hand hanging over the rail, all the way to the corner and back. It takes forever. Play is waiting on him. Nobody in the building wants it to stop, including, visibly, the officials.

You judge a locker room by moments like this. Victor Wembanyama makes the play, and every man on that sideline erupts right along with him. Clean block, all ball, no whistle, and Victor Wembanyama jogs back down the floor like nothing happened.

Watch the spacing, Spider-Man drags two bodies toward the ball and Goku is standing alone behind the line. Geometry, not luck. Oh my. Goku did not even draw iron.

This is the part of the league nobody loves and everybody watches: Victor Wembanyama waits with both hands on top of his head. The building went up, the building came right back down, and Victor Wembanyama is staring at a scoreboard that never moved.

Spider-Man's gaze is cold, distant. Hulk's gaze is hot, angry. And here is the answer to our game Deal or No Deal or Maybe! Marlene Hufnagel of North Elbow, Wisconsin, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the top speed of a shopping cart with one bad wheel?' The answer was of course whatever speed produces the most noise. Marlene takes home a novelty belt buckle roughly the size of a hubcap! My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

113-92 (W)

Tip goes to the farmer, who spends most of the week nowhere near a gym. Explain that one to me.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Kevin Durant breaks a shell down. The big rolls, the defense collapses, and Hulk punishes it with a read most guys never even see. That is the shot Kevin Durant wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

No hero ball here: Kevin Durant takes what the defense gives and moves it along. The superhero reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. Give and go! Spider-Man gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! The whistle blows, the crowd erupts, and Spider-Man hangs on the iron just long enough to make his point.

Spider-Man freezes in his follow-through, wrist still hanging, and holds it while the Miami Heart-Attack coach burns a timeout out of pure desperation. He holds it through the whistle. He holds it into the huddle. The cameras eat every single second of it.

Spider-Man gives it up to Victor Wembanyama on the move, the built-in screen erases the chase, and there is a clean runway to the rim. The bench has cleared, the crowd is screaming, and somewhere a photographer just got the shot of the season thanks to Victor Wembanyama.

Flexing under the basket, mouth wide open, Victor Wembanyama roars at nobody in particular. The sound carries over the crowd noise, which should be physically impossible. The referee waits with folded arms, like a substitute teacher who has seen considerably worse.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Spider-Man has known that all night long. Filthy. Absolutely filthy from Goku, and the defender knows exactly what just happened to him. Pull-up from the elbow by Goku, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

Cut! Halftime. Goku's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Confession: Goku tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. And now, our halftime TV game show Blockbusters the Video Store One! To win a garden gnome missing both arms, text HOOPS to 555-0712 and answer this question: 'Which is louder, an air horn or a grandmother who disagrees with a call?' Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Miami Heart-Attack, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

That timeline has not moved all night, but Goku keeps forgetting where they painted it. Second one of the quarter.

More second chance points for Miami Heart-Attack, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Spider-Man has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Victor Wembanyama precisely where the play wanted it. Victor Wembanyama turns the corner off the screen from Hulk, the help never rotates, and the lane is WIDE open! The scientist just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! OHHHH what a FINISH from Kevin Durant! Hanging, hanging, and laying it high off the glass on the way down!

Nothing but a nod. Kevin Durant jogs back on defense with his eyes half closed, like the shot was a formality he had penciled in. The entire arena is levitating and he could not look less involved. The Miami Heart-Attack bench looks personally insulted.

Spider-Man launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. The scientist just threaded a pocket pass through two defenders. Where exactly did that vision come from? Runner in the lane by Kevin Durant, high off the fingertips, straight down through the net. Splash!

Wiping imaginary dust off both shoulders, Kevin Durant strolls back on defense at the speed of a man walking his dog. Victor Wembanyama carries the bit further and mimes brushing off his shoes. The bench is on the floor. The head coach is not laughing, but only barely.

Hulk pushes it in transition, pulls up from the elbow, cash. That is a 10-0 run and the visitors have not scored in three minutes. TIMEOUT! The other bench has seen enough of Hulk and they are burning one to stop the bleeding.

Killing off a basketball game is a skill, and Spider-Man has it. Protect the rock, protect the lead, make them foul.

Goku drops to his knees and kisses the court. Hulk pretends to gag. And here is the answer to our game show Blockbusters the Video Store One! Travis Wayne Trundle of Hardtack, Indiana, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Which is louder, an air horn or a grandmother who disagrees with a call?' The answer was of course the grandmother, by a margin researchers declined to publish. Travis Wayne therefore wins a garden gnome missing both arms! My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

108-88 (W)

The scientist just out-jumped a guy half a foot taller for the opening tip. Somebody check the day job again.

Cold blooded from Orlando Magic-Beans, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Kevin Durant hands it off to Victor Wembanyama, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. Count them with me: one step, two steps, and a third one nobody asked for. The official has seen enough of Kevin Durant.

This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, Kevin Durant gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. That is the shot chart lying to you. Kevin Durant did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

Second rejection of the quarter for Goku, and you can see the shooters hesitating on that wing already.

Back to the locker room. Victor Wembanyama's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. I've been told Victor Wembanyama always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. And now, our halftime TV game show Last Team Standing Around! To win a chest freezer that only reaches room temperature, text HOOPS to 555-1248 and answer this question: 'How loud is a gym after a buzzer beater on a school night?' Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.

Swing, swing, and Kevin Durant finds Spider-Man on the wing before the help can even turn its head. OHHHH that is filthy! Spider-Man on the handoff and the man guarding it is still fighting over the top. Two guys on the exact same page, Hulk and Kevin Durant, and the defense is left holding a bag of nothing. Range like that bends a defense completely out of shape, and Hulk keeps proving the arc is only a suggestion.

Bucket for Orlando Magic-Beans. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Somebody explain how the superhero reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. Down screen, and Hulk curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. Two points left on the floor by Hulk, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Victor Wembanyama just did it by hitting Hulk on the back side with acres of room. Screen, roll, DELIVERY from Hulk! Nothing but runway to the rim! The superhero gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here.

The superhero is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the farmer made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. Catch on the block, shoulder into the chest, one dribble, and Goku finishes over the top. Textbook.

Up goes the shot from Victor Wembanyama and that is nothing but AIR, and every soul in this building saw it happen. Victor Wembanyama SKIES for it! Extra life for this offense. BAAAANG! Victor Wembanyama rips the offensive board and puts it right back through!

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Kevin Durant makes it every single trip down the floor. Handoff, turn the corner, BUCKET! Victor Wembanyama did all the dirty work on that one. Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, Kevin Durant and Hulk just played basketball and the defense got shredded. Baby hook by Kevin Durant, right over that outstretched hand, high off the board, count it.

Wiping imaginary dust off both shoulders, Kevin Durant strolls back on defense at the speed of a man walking his dog. Victor Wembanyama carries the bit further and mimes brushing off his shoes. The bench is on the floor. The head coach is not laughing, but only barely.

Goku and Hulk do celebratory push-ups. Victor Wembanyama counts out loud. Definitely cheating. And here is the answer to our game show Last Team Standing Around! Deloris Whitmire of Slow Creek Bend, Hawaii, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How loud is a gym after a buzzer beater on a school night?' The answer was of course loud enough to wake a man three counties over, also named Gary. Deloris therefore wins a chest freezer that only reaches room temperature! On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Hulk. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

108-93 (W)

Long miss from the superhero and the rebound goes the other way, but let the record show that most people in that line of work never even get to take that shot. Hustle play of the night so far. Victor Wembanyama gave up his ribs for one extra possession and the bench is on its feet. Victor Wembanyama drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. Perfect arc. Goku makes seven feet of rim protection completely irrelevant.

The scientist is running this zone like he has been drawing it up his entire life. Wrong career, my friend, absolutely the wrong career. You will never find it in a box score, but Goku just flipped that entire trip down the floor with one hand.

Not an inch to spare on the endline, but Victor Wembanyama keeps both feet in bounds and the help gets there a beat too late. They do not teach that footwork anymore, and yet here is Victor Wembanyama running a full masterclass on the low block.

One finger to the sky, held there, eyes closed in the middle of all that noise, and Victor Wembanyama does not move. The arena figures it out and quiets for a beat. Goku puts a hand on his back and says nothing, then the sound comes back like a wave.

Victor Wembanyama splits the coverage with a bounce pass you need slow motion to appreciate. Dimes. Hulk gets to his spot in the lane, lifts the runner over the big man, and leaves it a foot short. No dice.

Two defenders collide on the handoff and Kevin Durant is gone, so Spider-Man earned that one even if the box score disagrees. You are about to see a coach put his entire face in both hands, and Kevin Durant has earned every second of that reaction.

The players disappear into the tunnel. Goku asks for an ice pack. Did you know Goku once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. And now, our halftime TV game show Deal or No Deal or Maybe! To win a novelty belt buckle roughly the size of a hubcap, text HOOPS to 555-0396 and answer this question: 'What is the top speed of a shopping cart with one bad wheel?' Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!

Dagger from Philadelphia Injury-Report. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Victor Wembanyama kicks it over to Goku, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. The farmer pops to the arc and buries it, and nobody in this building believes that man clocks in somewhere in the morning. Nobody moved, nobody cut, nobody set a screen, so Victor Wembanyama launches a contested jumper with the horn already going. Ugly offense.

Ball into Goku at the elbow, Kevin Durant plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. TRAVEL! Kevin Durant took the scenic route to the rim and the whistle ended the tour.

Laser from Kevin Durant, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Court vision like that on the scientist is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. Not close, not warm, not anywhere for Victor Wembanyama, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Philadelphia Injury-Report in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Dribble handoff from Spider-Man, and the defender gets wiped out on the exchange! Two defenders in the lane, Kevin Durant splits them, double clutches and kisses it off the square. Count it!

Kevin Durant hangs on the rim one extra beat, letting the whole arena wait on him, then drops down into a dead-eyed mean mug. Spider-Man shoves him in the chest just to get a reaction. Nothing. Stone face on a man who just changed the game.

Total control. Spider-Man has this thing on a string. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Goku put that man in a blender and the third row felt it! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Goku scooped that in from underneath the rim!

The noise climbs past whatever the building was engineered for, and Goku uses it to kneel down and retie a shoe that was already tied. Double knot, no hurry, eyes on the laces. Spider-Man stands over him like a bodyguard while somewhere down there a coach calls a play into a hurricane and loses.

Hulk and Goku swing Victor Wembanyama around by his arms like a carousel. He looks sick. And here is the answer to our game Deal or No Deal or Maybe! Marlene Hufnagel of North Elbow, Wisconsin, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the top speed of a shopping cart with one bad wheel?' The answer was of course whatever speed produces the most noise. Marlene takes home a novelty belt buckle roughly the size of a hubcap! Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Hulk's name. Forgive me. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

119-87 (W)

The farmer just out-jumped a guy half a foot taller for the opening tip. Somebody check the day job again.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Spider-Man already has the defense a full step behind. One little shoulder dip from Hulk and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. The defender fronted him, so Hulk sealed, waited for the entry and went to work. Patient, mean, effective.

Stone silence for one second, then Hulk lets out something that is not really a word, more a sound from the basement of a human being. Goku answers with the same noise. The arena joins in. There is no language left in this building.

Ball moves. Victor Wembanyama to Hulk, on time and on target. Oldest play in the book, and Hulk runs it in his sleep. That drop coverage never had a prayer. The superhero just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! Onions! Goku did that with a hand in his face.

Goku runs the baseline high-fiving every hand hanging over the rail, all the way to the corner and back. It takes forever. Play is waiting on him. Nobody in the building wants it to stop, including, visibly, the officials.

That is ninety-four feet of pure effort from Victor Wembanyama, and that is the play a locker room remembers in April. Rebound, look, gone. Victor Wembanyama to Spider-Man and this is a footrace now. Steal, sprint, slam. Spider-Man takes the Kevin Durant feed and puts it down before anyone gets back.

Three fingers up, walking backward the length of the floor, Spider-Man never once looks at the basket he just drained. The bench mob is off the seats, towels overhead, security waving them back down. Nobody sits. Nobody in here is going to sit again tonight.

BRICK! Kevin Durant throws up a prayer and the iron sends it straight back out to half court! Second-chance points are how you steal games on the road, and Goku has now cleaned up four misses tonight. Court vision like that on the farmer is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. Spider-Man whips the extra pass across the arc, Victor Wembanyama rises without a dribble, and SPLASH.

Break! Kevin Durant rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Did you know? Kevin Durant tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. And now, our halftime TV game show Wheel of Misfortune! To win a lifetime supply of expired coupons, text HOOPS to 555-0142 and answer this question: 'How many hot dogs fit inside a regulation gym locker if you really commit?' Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.

Watch the spacing there, Victor Wembanyama hits Kevin Durant right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. Screen, pop, SPLASH! Kevin Durant kicks it out and that thing never touched iron. Stepback three from the scientist, ice in his veins. You cannot teach that, and apparently you cannot keep it out of the workforce either.

Dribble alive, patient, patient, and then Spider-Man slips it to Goku right in the pocket. Surgical. Getting to his spot and elevating, Goku puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

Unselfish basketball. Spider-Man passes up a good shot and hands Goku a GREAT one. The gather was clean, the decision after it was not. Goku had a live pivot foot and threw it away for a bounce he did not need.

Phoenix No-Defense again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Both benches are emptying out. Victor Wembanyama did the damage early, now he gets to watch the show in a warmup jacket.

OHHHH the tension! Nobody is sitting, nobody is blinking, all of it rides on Spider-Man. The officials come back out, cross their arms, and Spider-Man goes from hero to spectator on one signal.

Hulk jumps into Spider-Man's arms without warning. They both go down. And here is the answer to our game Wheel of Misfortune! Darlene Puckett of Lower Buttermilk, Kansas, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many hot dogs fit inside a regulation gym locker if you really commit?' The answer was of course four hundred and six, and the coach has never spoken of it since. Darlene takes home a lifetime supply of expired coupons! During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

129-85 (W)

Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Kevin Durant, and not one single soul could do anything about it. That is twice tonight Kevin Durant has tried to create with the dribble already dead, and this league does not reward that.

Right through the window. Victor Wembanyama to Kevin Durant on the roll, and the help was a half step late. Watch the feet on Kevin Durant there, still drifting sideways at the release, and that is exactly why the floater sails wide left of everything.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Los Angeles Nursing-Home, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Spider-Man rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. Nobody drew up that arc. The superhero floated one halfway to the rafters, and the rim never even got a say. You want to know why this team keeps winning the possession battle? Victor Wembanyama treats every miss like it belongs to him. OHHHH he went and GOT that! Victor Wembanyama with the putback jam over two bodies.

Flexing under the basket, mouth wide open, Victor Wembanyama roars at nobody in particular. The sound carries over the crowd noise, which should be physically impossible. The referee waits with folded arms, like a substitute teacher who has seen considerably worse.

Goku flies at a jump shooter thirty feet from the rim and lands on his hip. Three shots coming. The farmer is in foul trouble already! Whatever hands-on skills that job teaches, none of them are legal in this league.

Break time. Victor Wembanyama bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Fun fact: Victor Wembanyama tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. And now, our halftime TV game show The Dating Game Winner Gets Nothing! To win a bowling ball with the initials of a total stranger drilled into it, text HOOPS to 555-0698 and answer this question: 'How many rows back can you sit before the players become rumors?' We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.

Hesitate, GO. Kevin Durant is by that hip before the man even blinks. A timeout is coming, because no defense recovers from watching Kevin Durant do that to one of their own.

Clean feed from Spider-Man, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Two defenders, one gap, and Goku finds it. Onions on that pass. A jump hook over a grown professional defender, from the superhero? That is the most unexpected fundamentals clinic of the night.

Spider-Man climbs two rows into the stands and gets swallowed by strangers. He comes back out with somebody's cap on backward and a smear of nacho cheese on his shoulder. Goku refuses to touch him. This building has never been happier about anything.

Working him at the top of the key, low dribble, low dribble, then Kevin Durant rips it across and his man lunges at a ghost. ONIONS from Kevin Durant! He saw the hit coming and went up into it anyway. Spin, one dribble, up and in. Then Kevin Durant does the whole thing again. Zero drama, two points.

OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! Victor Wembanyama never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on Victor Wembanyama. Cruel.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Spider-Man threw it before the help even committed. Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Kevin Durant makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. From eight feet Goku puts way too much on it, and the ball clears the rim entirely.

Kevin Durant sets the pick and DIVES to the cup. Spider-Man lays it right on his hands in traffic! That is a throwback bucket: Kevin Durant with his back to the basket, and the defense has absolutely no answer for it.

Kevin Durant climbs two rows into the stands and gets swallowed by strangers. He comes back out with somebody's cap on backward and a smear of nacho cheese on his shoulder. Spider-Man refuses to touch him. This building has never been happier about anything.

Hulk and Kevin Durant swing Victor Wembanyama around by his arms like a carousel. He looks sick. And here is the answer to our game show The Dating Game Winner Gets Nothing! Sharlene Boggs of Muleshoe Corner, Ohio, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many rows back can you sit before the players become rumors?' The answer was of course row thirty one, and after that it is basically folklore. Sharlene therefore wins a bowling ball with the initials of a total stranger drilled into it! Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

104-93 (W)

OHHHH, what a read by Victor Wembanyama! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. Feet already set, hands already ready. Spider-Man takes the feed from Victor Wembanyama and cashes it.

Spider-Man pretends to check a watch that is not on his wrist, taps it, then shows it to the arena. Time is up. Victor Wembanyama mimes an enormous yawn. The visiting coach is shouting at officials who have no jurisdiction over sarcasm.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Spider-Man drops it off to Goku on time and on target. Watch the change of pace from Goku, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. Goku beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless.

OHHHH the pocket pass! Spider-Man splits the coverage and the roll man is loose under the basket! Rim out for Kevin Durant, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

The superhero just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! In, around, and gone. The iron gives Spider-Man nothing.

Bucket for Toronto Border-Patrol. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Back in the locker room, Goku sits down and stares at the ceiling. Confession: Goku calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. And now, our halftime TV game show The Pyramid of Slightly Less Money! To win a novelty mug that says WORLDS SECOND BEST GRANDMA, text HOOPS to 555-0938 and answer this question: 'Which is heavier, a pound of basketballs or a pound of excuses?' Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.

Hulk gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Spider-Man saw it a beat early. Hard drive, hard stop, and Hulk retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. A jump hook over a grown professional defender, from the scientist? That is the most unexpected fundamentals clinic of the night.

Hulk crosses his arms into an X, plants his feet at the top of the key and dares somebody to say something. Nobody does. Victor Wembanyama mirrors the pose beside him. Two statues, twenty thousand people screaming, and every camera in the gym pointed at them.

Cross court, on a rope, from the superhero. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Beautiful footwork on that one from Goku, the pivot foot never budges, which is precisely why the whistle stays in the pocket. The farmer just fired one in from the logo and the roof nearly came off this place. That is in nobody's job description.

Clean feed from Victor Wembanyama, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. The help defender committed way too early, and Goku made him pay for it with a spin they will be replaying all week. Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, Goku fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

The drive comes baseline, Hulk slides over late, and the layup gets ERASED. The rim is closed for business. Rebound to fast break in one motion, courtesy of the scientist. That is not a hobby, that is a skill set. OHHHH the speed of Victor Wembanyama! Nobody in this building was catching him.

Victor Wembanyama runs the baseline high-fiving every hand hanging over the rail, all the way to the corner and back. It takes forever. Play is waiting on him. Nobody in the building wants it to stop, including, visibly, the officials.

Cold blooded from Toronto Border-Patrol, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Victor Wembanyama makes it every single trip down the floor. That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Spider-Man the moment he crosses half court. Spider-Man rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

GET THAT OUTTA HERE! Hulk meets that jumper at the top of its flight and spikes it into the sideline.

Goku does a belly slide on the court. Victor Wembanyama does a back slide. The hardwood is ruined. And here is the answer to our game show The Pyramid of Slightly Less Money! Dwight Hufnagel of Bogwater, Maine, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Which is heavier, a pound of basketballs or a pound of excuses?' The answer was of course the excuses, because they come with packaging. Dwight therefore wins a novelty mug that says WORLDS SECOND BEST GRANDMA! Tonight I learned Goku used to be a superhero before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

128-96 (W)

Ohhh no. Corner three, Minnesota Ice-Wall in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Over the top of everybody. Kevin Durant to Goku in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. OHHHH the pin-down! Goku pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Spider-Man. Brutal. Not a hand on him. Goku flat missed the bunny.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Minnesota Ice-Wall with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Help defense from the farmer! Somebody in this league is getting paid millions to be a full step slower than that. Goku goes up with the hands to the ceiling and the shot comes off the front rim. Textbook verticality.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Kevin Durant has known that all night long. Straight down the baseline goes the farmer! Whatever shift he worked this morning, he clearly left plenty in the tank. The farmer lines one up from four feet behind the line and the rim rejects the application on the spot. Back to the day job on that possession.

The locker room fills up. Spider-Man has already eaten three oranges. Intel: Spider-Man asked Minnesota Ice-Wall for their energy drink recipe. They refused. And now, our halftime TV game show Last Call Bingo! To win a lifetime pass to a museum of regional soil, text HOOPS to 555-0150 and answer this question: 'How many people does it take to change a light bulb in a scoreboard?' The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.

Lazy feed into the middle, Goku read it the whole way, and that possession is over before it started. REJECTED! Kevin Durant gets ALL of that jumper and the building erupts!

Push the pace! Spider-Man grabs it and hits Goku in stride before the defense can even match up. Nobody in this building saw that cut coming except the farmer, and you cannot teach that kind of feel in any line of work. Goku gathers on the baseline, absorbs contact from two bodies, and slams it home. That rim is still shaking.

Bent double with his hands on his knees, Goku takes one breath, straightens up and points at the coach who drew the play in the huddle. The coach nods once, no smile. Spider-Man pounds the man's shoulder anyway. Respect, delivered at maximum volume.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Victor Wembanyama just did it by hitting Kevin Durant on the back side with acres of room. Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from Kevin Durant. Victor Wembanyama threads a BEAUTY to Kevin Durant under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

Ball moves. Spider-Man to Goku, on time and on target. POCKET PASS! Goku threads it to Victor Wembanyama between two bodies and the rim is wide open! Textbook footwork, textbook release from Victor Wembanyama, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

Spider-Man comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! The superhero just spun through two defenders and reversed that in. Nothing about this is a normal Tuesday!

Spider-Man cups a hand to his ear and turns a slow full circle, milking every section. The upper deck answers louder than the lower bowl, so he points up there and nods. Victor Wembanyama joins the spin. Forty seconds of noise before anybody inbounds the ball.

Swing, swing, and Kevin Durant finds Hulk on the wing before the help can even turn its head. The lob is the toughest read in the league, and Hulk keeps making it look like a layup line drill.

OHHHH what a hustle play from Spider-Man! He had no business getting a finger on that basketball. The superhero just threw an outlet that traveled farther than most people commute. Absurd. Count it AND the foul! Kevin Durant refused to be denied at the rim.

Straight to the logo at center court, Kevin Durant plants both feet and flexes until the veins show. The bench is a pile of bodies and airborne headbands. An assistant coach has to be physically restrained by a trainer who is also celebrating.

Spider-Man does the floss while Kevin Durant spins like a top. Victor Wembanyama just stands there, arms crossed. Cool. And here is the answer to our game Last Call Bingo! Leon Poteet of Fence Post, Hawaii, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many people does it take to change a light bulb in a scoreboard?' The answer was of course four, plus one man who insists he could have done it alone. Leon takes home a lifetime pass to a museum of regional soil! I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

89-103 (L)

Nobody is getting a hand near that. Kevin Durant has all the room in the world. That is what heavy minutes do, Kevin Durant has run all night and the legs have nothing left to give the jumper.

Ball moves. Spider-Man to Hulk, on time and on target. Kick out to Hulk, one more to Spider-Man, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. Catch, rise, splash. The superhero owns the cleanest jumper on this floor and still has a shift to work in the morning.

Hands out, palms up, Spider-Man shrugs at the officials like he cannot explain what he just did either. Dry as a bone. Hulk is doubled over at half court and the broadcast crew is howling. It goes viral before the next possession even starts.

Spider-Man walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. That is the third live-ball giveaway of the half, and each one has been the same read: Goku deciding late and throwing early.

OHHHH the bench is GONE! Towels over heads, bodies off the chairs, all because of Goku! OHHHH, Kevin Durant just took that thing right out of his hands!

Kevin Durant rides the ball handler all the way up the floor and finally puts a forearm in his back. Officials blow it dead. Third whistle on Kevin Durant. He could argue the first two. This one he cannot.

The locker room fills up. Kevin Durant has already eaten three oranges. The staff told me Kevin Durant sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. And now, our halftime TV game show Wipeout the Rec League Edition! To win a weather vane pointing a direction wind has never once gone, text HOOPS to 555-0914 and answer this question: 'How many bleacher splinters are removed nationwide every Tuesday?' Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.

Dagger from Houston Blast-Off. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and Victor Wembanyama gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. Goku rises, the big man rises higher, and the shot is stuffed into the second row. Return to sender.

More second chance points for Houston Blast-Off, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Clean feed from Kevin Durant, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Ice in his veins for a guy who answers to scientist the rest of the week. Professional shot, amateur resume. Nobody bothered to contest it, because nobody believed Victor Wembanyama would shoot from there. Lesson learned the hard way.

Victor Wembanyama does the bit whole team practiced in the hotel: a slow-motion handshake with Goku that goes on far too long, sound effects included. Six full seconds. The referee stands there holding the ball. Neither man breaks character.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Houston Blast-Off with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

That is a coaching staff completely out of answers. Victor Wembanyama has taken this game over and the only tool left in the box is a stoppage.

Turnover, layup, Houston Blast-Off straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Victor Wembanyama has known that all night long. The superhero takes the baseline and bends an entire defense out of shape. Absolutely absurd stuff in this building tonight. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the superhero, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

The superhero pops to the arc and buries it, and nobody in this building believes that man clocks in somewhere in the morning. So close. Victor Wembanyama can only stare at the iron.

Spider-Man looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Hulk looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. And here is the answer to our game show Wipeout the Rec League Edition! Lavonne Stackhouse of Grease Rag Creek, Delaware, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many bleacher splinters are removed nationwide every Tuesday?' The answer was of course six hundred and twelve, and most of them in the Midwest. Lavonne therefore wins a weather vane pointing a direction wind has never once gone! Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

85-116 (L)

One hard step and Victor Wembanyama owns that whole side of the floor, which means the low man has to make a decision he does not want. Look at Victor Wembanyama mouthing an apology toward his own bench before the call is even announced. He knew instantly.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Denver Horse-Track with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Moving screen on the scientist. The rule book is weeping and the coach is already up off the bench.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Denver Horse-Track, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Ball moves. Kevin Durant to Victor Wembanyama, on time and on target. Kevin Durant just took a shoulder to the chest to buy Victor Wembanyama half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. Isolation on the wing, shot clock draining, and Victor Wembanyama rocks the defender to sleep before dropping it through.

Slow walk, no expression. Victor Wembanyama backpedals past the Denver Horse-Track huddle close enough to hear what is being said and never turns his head. The crowd noise is a physical object at this point. One of their assistants stands up, and nothing comes of it.

Buzzer sounds, halftime! Kevin Durant walks head down toward the tunnel. Staff confession: Kevin Durant is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. And now, our halftime TV game show Tic-Tac-Dough-Nut! To win a decorative outhouse birdhouse with no hole in it, text HOOPS to 555-0367 and answer this question: 'What time is it inside a microwave that has said 12:00 for eleven years?' Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.

Cold blooded from Denver Horse-Track, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Kevin Durant has known that all night long. Give and go! Victor Wembanyama gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! Victor Wembanyama blows the wide open layup!

This is the work that never shows up in a box score, and Goku just took two points off the board without a single stat.

Bucket for Denver Horse-Track. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Screen, hesitation, delivery, Kevin Durant drops it off perfectly for Victor Wembanyama diving to the rim. The big man never even contested it, and Victor Wembanyama still could not get the runner to drop. That one is on him.

Laser from Spider-Man, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. The extra pass! Kevin Durant had the look, gave it up anyway, and Hulk buries it. BANG! Rises, releases, and Hulk sends the ball through the exact patch of sky where the rim is not.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Denver Horse-Track with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Oldest play in the book and it still works: Spider-Man passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. The superhero tried the teardrop and never got it to the rim. Turns out soft touch does not come standard with that day job.

The beauty of it is that Spider-Man never has to set a screen at all, the exchange IS the screen. Nightmare to guard. Two hands on the ball, then a fresh bounce. Somewhere a youth coach is watching the farmer and quietly turning off the TV.

Whole huddle leaning in to hear it, and the plan is to hand the game to the scientist. Genius or madness, we are about to find out. Goku delivers on the second option, Victor Wembanyama buries it, and the coach is already walking back to the bench like he knew. He did know.

Victor Wembanyama stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Kevin Durant comes back to get him. And here is the answer to our game Tic-Tac-Dough-Nut! Cletus Vandersnoot of Half Moon Ditch, Iowa, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What time is it inside a microwave that has said 12:00 for eleven years?' The answer was of course whatever time the power went out in 1994. Cletus takes home a decorative outhouse birdhouse with no hole in it! During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

95-126 (L)

Foul on the three-point shooter, and it is Victor Wembanyama. The coach is off the bench with both arms out. Victor Wembanyama reaches, gets caught, whistle. Third personal, and the coach immediately looks down his bench.

Turnover, layup, New York Over-Timers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Dribble alive, patient, patient, and then Spider-Man slips it to Kevin Durant right in the pocket. Surgical. Third one of these from Kevin Durant this quarter, third time the arc is wrong. The lane is not open real estate anymore.

Clean feed from Victor Wembanyama, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Second pass beats the rotation, Goku to Kevin Durant, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. Soft off the fingertips, the ball takes a full lap of the rim on Kevin Durant, and spits straight back out. That is theft.

Hands up, one stomp, a short speech, and the whistle answers. Technical foul on Spider-Man, and the bench is stunned. SLAMMED into the hardwood after the no-call, and that is the second tech on Spider-Man. Thanks for coming.

Halftime. Goku is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Anecdote: Goku threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. And now, our halftime TV game show Cash Cab of the Parking Lot! To win a plug-in air freshener permanently stuck on the high setting, text HOOPS to 555-0975 and answer this question: 'Why is there always exactly one balloon stuck in the rafters?' The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.

Ball moves. Victor Wembanyama to Goku, on time and on target. Off the pin-down comes the farmer with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. Down, up, and gone for Goku. The rim is just toying with him now.

Bucket for New York Over-Timers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

SKIP PASS! Spider-Man fires it cross court to Kevin Durant and the defense is dead in the water! OHHHH the separation! Kevin Durant just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. Kevin Durant attacks the paint, absorbs the bump, twists his body all the way around the defender and reverses it in. FILTHY.

Kevin Durant does the bit whole team practiced in the hotel: a slow-motion handshake with Spider-Man that goes on far too long, sound effects included. Six full seconds. The referee stands there holding the ball. Neither man breaks character.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for New York Over-Timers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Kevin Durant just did it by hitting Hulk on the back side with acres of room. A cut with that timing from the scientist? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. No touch. Hulk left the soft hands in the locker room tonight.

The other bench sent their best perimeter stopper out on Kevin Durant, and they are learning in real time that it will not be enough tonight. The block is clean, the ball is gone, and Kevin Durant is left staring at his empty hands like a man who lost his keys.

Dagger from New York Over-Timers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The superhero just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. The extra pass! Goku had the look, gave it up anyway, and Spider-Man buries it. BANG! The superhero hammers a brick off the backboard so hard the rim is still shaking. Nothing in that resume prepared anybody for this.

Two decoy screens, a flare to the weak side, then Goku coming off the second one. That is the whole thing. Look at the spacing here, two shooters lifting to drag the help, and that leaves Goku an easy read to Kevin Durant in the pocket. Chess.

Kevin Durant does the bit whole team practiced in the hotel: a slow-motion handshake with Victor Wembanyama that goes on far too long, sound effects included. Six full seconds. The referee stands there holding the ball. Neither man breaks character.

Hulk has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Spider-Man has aged ten years in forty minutes. And here is the answer to our game show Cash Cab of the Parking Lot! Leonard Skidmore of Tumbleweed Alley, Arizona, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Why is there always exactly one balloon stuck in the rafters?' The answer was of course that nobody knows, and the janitors have agreed to stop asking. Leonard therefore wins a plug-in air freshener permanently stuck on the high setting! During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

95-127 (L)

Hulk eats the contact so Spider-Man can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. Missed layup for the superhero and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

The box score will show nothing at all for the scientist, just a ruined shot and a shooter who will remember that wall all night. The pass is the play here. Victor Wembanyama never even puts the ball on the floor, he just throws it and lets the runners eat. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Goku rose up over the help and hammered it down on somebody's head!

Dagger from Cleveland Twin-Towers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Set called, Kevin Durant waved out to the corner, and Spider-Man watches the spacing open up like a front door. The big rolls, the defense collapses, and Kevin Durant punishes it with a read most guys never even see. Contested, off balance, fading away from the wrong shoulder, that is a shot Goku should never take with three teammates standing wide open.

OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! Victor Wembanyama never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! Buzzer on the shot clock, Victor Wembanyama heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

Break. Hulk asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Little secret: Hulk watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. And now, our halftime TV game show Family Feudal! To win a five-gallon bucket of assorted screws from a stranger's garage, text HOOPS to 555-0263 and answer this question: 'What color is a school bus at two in the morning?' There they are. The coach must have found the right words.

Spider-Man holds it, waits, waits some more, then lets it go at the last possible instant to Hulk flying by. That is a half-second window and he threads it. Oh, that is rough. Hulk killed his own dribble and then started a brand new one.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Cleveland Twin-Towers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Watch Goku plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring Kevin Durant out of that corner in a blink. That is a shot selection problem, plain and simple. Kevin Durant drove into three bodies and the help defender was waiting the whole way.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Spider-Man has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Hulk precisely where the play wanted it. Hulk stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. The scientist just dropped a teardrop over a seven footer. Soft hands must run in that trade!

Cold blooded from Cleveland Twin-Towers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Whistle. Moving screen on Hulk, and that one was not even close. Ball goes the other way.

Cleveland Twin-Towers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Ball moves. Victor Wembanyama to Goku, on time and on target. The farmer runs a dribble handoff with the timing of a fifteen-year vet. Not bad for somebody who does this on weekends. OHHHH, that one died in the air! Kevin Durant put nothing into it and the front rim eats the floater.

Hold everything, they are going to the replay on Kevin Durant, and this building has stopped breathing. OHHHH the cruelty! Two tenths, and Kevin Durant gets absolutely nothing.

Hulk is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Victor Wembanyama waits at the tunnel entrance. And here is the answer to our game Family Feudal! Randy Dinkins of Sockburn, Ohio, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What color is a school bus at two in the morning?' The answer was of course still yellow, but it means something different. Randy takes home a five-gallon bucket of assorted screws from a stranger's garage! Tonight I learned Hulk used to be a superhero before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

98-121 (L)

Bucket for Boston Ring-Chasers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

A single dribble is all Victor Wembanyama needed to get downhill, and the back side of that defense is in complete disarray. Rising up out of the corner, Victor Wembanyama sends it LONG, clanging off the far side and out to the wing.

The inbound goes to Hulk, the double comes immediately, and nobody flashes to the middle to help. Turnover before the offense even starts.

More second chance points for Boston Ring-Chasers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Victor Wembanyama kicks it over to Hulk, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. The defender planted his feet, and Hulk said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. You can hear that rim ringing from up here, Hulk has forced three in a row now and the whole offense has stopped moving.

Break! Victor Wembanyama takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Rumor has it Victor Wembanyama talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. And now, our halftime TV game show The Big Spin Cycle! To win a toaster that only toasts one side of the bread, text HOOPS to 555-1057 and answer this question: 'What is the resale value of a game worn wristband?' Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.

Boston Ring-Chasers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Victor Wembanyama! The shot is short, and Goku is the only man moving. He rips it out of the crowd and the possession lives. Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Goku makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. That stepback is unguardable once the drive gets sold, and Spider-Man has had that defender guessing wrong all night long.

Dunk so loud the backboard is still ringing when Spider-Man lands. He stares down the front row like they owe him money. A man in a five-thousand-dollar seat drops his drink. Kevin Durant drags Spider-Man away by the jersey before it becomes an incident.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Spider-Man has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Goku precisely where the play wanted it. Goku tries to force it through two bodies and finds nothing but the defender's hands.

That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Spider-Man does. Fifth possession this half where Spider-Man has been left to bail everybody out with the clock at zero. He cannot keep doing this alone.

Watch the sell from Kevin Durant here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. Drop step, jump hook, bucket! Kevin Durant is doing it the old way.

Kevin Durant climbs two rows into the stands and gets swallowed by strangers. He comes back out with somebody's cap on backward and a smear of nacho cheese on his shoulder. Victor Wembanyama refuses to touch him. This building has never been happier about anything.

Textbook two three with Spider-Man manning the back line, and they have not seen a clean look in three trips.

Dagger from Boston Ring-Chasers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

No roll this time. Spider-Man swings it right back to Hulk above the break, and it is PURE. Prayer from Hulk. Not answered.

A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Spider-Man pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. Spider-Man lets it FLY from way downtown and... front rim. Not this time.

Spider-Man snaps at the bench on his way out. Hulk says nothing, but his look says everything. And here is the answer to our game show The Big Spin Cycle! Virgil Stanback of Buzzard Roost Landing, North Dakota, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the resale value of a game worn wristband?' The answer was of course two dollars and a firm handshake. Virgil therefore wins a toaster that only toasts one side of the bread! I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

102-109 (L)

Turnover, layup, San Antonio Skyscrapers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The zone is set with Kevin Durant anchoring the middle of it and there is NOWHERE to go!

No block, no foul, just Hulk being ENORMOUS in the lane, and that shot never had a chance. That outlet from Hulk is a weapon, it turns a defensive stop into two points in about three seconds. Get that one framed. Victor Wembanyama took off from the block and the defender is still lying on the floor.

Victor Wembanyama throws both arms up and holds them there, letting the arena pull the sound out of him. Twenty thousand people on their feet at once. Kevin Durant grabs his shoulders from behind and shakes him like a snow globe. The floor is genuinely vibrating.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Spider-Man breaks a shell down. OHHHH the hesi! Victor Wembanyama froze him solid and he is already gone! Awful shot by Victor Wembanyama with eleven still on the shot clock, off the front rim and out to the wing.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, San Antonio Skyscrapers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

End of the first half. Kevin Durant is beet red but still standing. Did you know? Kevin Durant launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. And now, our halftime TV game show Tic-Tac-Dough-Nut! To win a decorative outhouse birdhouse with no hole in it, text HOOPS to 555-0367 and answer this question: 'What time is it inside a microwave that has said 12:00 for eleven years?' Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.

The opposing coach is off his seat waving both arms before the ball is even inbounded. Victor Wembanyama forced that.

Here comes the slip from Goku, and Spider-Man reads it a half second before anybody else in the building. That is a dime from Victor Wembanyama that deserved so much better, and Goku knows it, head down, jogging back before the ball even lands.

A scoreless four minutes and counting. The farmer is finding out the hard way that this league punishes tired legs. Twenty-four seconds of standing around, and Kevin Durant has to eat the last two of them. Possession wasted long before the shot went up.

Bucket for San Antonio Skyscrapers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Way short from Spider-Man off the bounce, the ball dies on the front of the rim and drops into traffic. The superhero outworked everybody on the glass! Effort does not care what is printed on your business card. Spider-Man drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. Nobody expects touch like that from the farmer, but that floater had more feel than half the starting guards in the league.

You do not put the other team in the bonus this early. Kevin Durant has to be smarter than contact that never had a chance at the ball. Most defenders get to use their hands. Kevin Durant has five, so he is out there guarding with his eyebrows.

Dagger from San Antonio Skyscrapers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Bodies everywhere in the paint and it does not matter one bit to Spider-Man, one spin and the ball never leaves the string. Three free throws for the superhero! That is the single most expensive mistake in basketball, and a person with a real day job just engineered it.

Chased down from behind and wrapped up before he can get into his dribble, all courtesy of Hulk. Here comes the free throw parade.

Spider-Man slams his fist on the bench. Kevin Durant places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. And here is the answer to our game Tic-Tac-Dough-Nut! Cletus Vandersnoot of Half Moon Ditch, Iowa, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What time is it inside a microwave that has said 12:00 for eleven years?' The answer was of course whatever time the power went out in 1994. Cletus takes home a decorative outhouse birdhouse with no hole in it! Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

90-134 (L)

Bucket for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Watch the sell from Spider-Man here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. Pull-up from the elbow by Spider-Man, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Hulk gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Kevin Durant saw it a beat early. Hulk attacks the baseline and the ENTIRE defense has to rotate behind him! Hulk had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

Cold blooded from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Halftime. Hulk throws his towel on the floor walking in. Locker room intel: Hulk has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. And now, our halftime TV game show Minute to Win It Back! To win a lawn ornament goose with exactly one seasonal outfit, text HOOPS to 555-0319 and answer this question: 'What is the halftime score of a game that nobody is watching?' Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.

That is a foot speed problem. Spider-Man keeps grabbing instead of sliding, and in this league that gets your coach a miserable night. Careful now. Three fouls this early means Spider-Man plays the next stretch with his hands straight up in the air.

Turnover, layup, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Watch the spacing there, Kevin Durant hits Spider-Man right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. You could hear the whole building groan, and Spider-Man knew it the second the ball left his fingers, already jogging back on defense.

Victor Wembanyama goes fishing at the point of attack, the ball handler feels the hand on his elbow, and the arm goes straight up.

The superhero is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Victor Wembanyama whips that pass one-handed on the move and the roll man gathers it through contact. Filthy. AROUND the cylinder and OUT! Kevin Durant cannot believe it, and neither can this building.

Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Oldest play in the book and it still works: Kevin Durant passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. Put him on skates, then put him on a POSTER. Kevin Durant owns the highlight reel tonight.

STOP AND GO! Spider-Man hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. Baseline drive by Spider-Man, he absorbs the hammer from the help defender, and the official is already pointing to the line. Spider-Man steps up, same routine, same release, splash and splash. Nothing but net twice.

That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Spider-Man the moment he crosses half court. Soft off the fingertips, the ball takes a full lap of the rim on Spider-Man, and spits straight back out. That is theft.

The superhero commits the ugliest foul of the night entirely on purpose, and honestly that is the smartest thing anyone has done all quarter.

Spider-Man bites his lip, fists clenched. Kevin Durant shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. And here is the answer to our game Minute to Win It Back! Otis Fenstermacher of Tin Roof, Virginia, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the halftime score of a game that nobody is watching?' The answer was of course still tied, philosophically speaking. Otis takes home a lawn ornament goose with exactly one seasonal outfit! While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'