My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇬🇧
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | New York Over-Timers | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | My Team | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Holy shit, the arena is erupting and the game hasn't even started. There are 20,000 absolute maniacs on their feet chanting the name of a franchise with more scars than a retired boxer. Seasons of domination, seasons of total demolition, insane 3 AM trades, Draft picks that smelled like either genius or pure madness, nobody knew at the time, and honestly sometimes we still don't. But tonight, all of that is behind us. Tonight is the present, and the present reeks of adrenaline and revenge. The team with no name, baby! If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is Shaquille O'Neal. Standing at 216 cm, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball. I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it. Attention, things are about to get serious. Actually no, things are about to go completely off the rails. The front office signed Hulk. The man is a scientist. Yes, you heard that right. A scientist. On a basketball court. With their lab notebook in his gym bag and zero understanding of what a pick-and-roll is. The coach says it's a "bet on raw athleticism" but between us, I'm pretty sure he lost a poker bet. Hulk had his first practice yesterday and asked if the free throw line was home plate. The teammates are dying laughing, the fans don't know whether to cry or applaud, and the GM was spotted updating his resume on LinkedIn. Let's address the elephant in the room: the budget is OBSCENE. We're so deep into the luxury tax that the team accountant quit, got replaced, and the replacement quit too. The owner doesn't give a damn, he wants the ring and he's willing to burn every last dollar to get it. The result? An absolute dream roster. Every name on this lineup card sends shivers down opponents' spines. It's like playing NBA 2K with the sliders maxed out. It's almost unfair. And tonight, it probably will be.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
105-108 (L)
Kyrie Irving, this combo guard, sets the tone immediately! Natural-born leadership from the jump!
Shaquille O'Neal dishes the Spalding beautifully for a finger roll! What touch!
Kyrie Irving gets caught flat-footed! This jersey-selling name beaten to the spot!
Hulk misfires! The scientist's precision with the hidden truth is nowhere to be found!
Hulk refuses to quit! A scientist who never quits, period!
Break. Hawkeye collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Confession: Hawkeye tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
Kyrie Irving misfires on the potential dagger! This established star lets them off the hook!
Hawkeye, this tweener, shows negative body language! Defense that's basically a suggestion creeping in!
Kyrie Irving spins with conviction! This max-contract guy believes tonight is the night!
Shaquille O'Neal, this potential GOAT, commits the late turnover! Lack of consistency with the ball!
Shaquille O'Neal sits alone on the bench. This certified GOAT candidate processing the defeat.
Hulk bites his lip, fists clenched. Shaquille O'Neal shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
114-101 (W)
This undisputed superstar Hulk opens the scoring! A half-court heave! Early advantage!
A pull-up jumper from Kevin Durant! Another dagger! This world-class player closing the door!
Hulk blocks the layup attempt! A crucial offensive board with their lab notebook authority!
This jersey-selling name Kyrie Irving connects on the pick-and-roll! Assist for a free throw!
This all-time great Hulk adjusts the angle mid-drive! Silky smooth technique body control!
Break! Hawkeye has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Did you know? Hawkeye tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
This legit talent Hawkeye goes to work under the basket! A pull-up jumper drops beautifully!
Listen to that roar! Hulk fires away and the place explodes!
Kyrie Irving posts up the pick-and-roll to perfection! Chemistry on display!
Kyrie Irving, this solid build, evolves before our eyes! An All-Star Game worthy play!
Kevin Durant pulls up off the court victorious! This established star leaves it all out there!
Hawkeye takes Kyrie Irving by the hand and they bow to the crowd like stage actors. I got a text from Hawkeye after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
114-107 (W)
Kyrie Irving, this swiss-army-knife type, announced to huge cheers! An electric crowd!
Kyrie Irving, this established star, drops a euro-step in the paint! Pure artistry!
Shaquille O'Neal anticipates the cut and deflects the orange! This global icon reading minds!
Hawkeye finds them in the top of the key! Navigating the floor like an archer navigates rush hour!
Hawkeye uses their size out there! The archer has a built-in advantage!
Heading in. Hulk's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Did you know Hulk entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
This reliable star Kevin Durant punishes the defense with a pull-up jumper at the top of the key!
The building is buzzing! Kyrie Irving and a Finals-like atmosphere creating magic!
Hawkeye barks out defensive calls! The voice of their bare hands echoes across the gym!
Hawkeye's hands tell two stories,their bare hands by day, the ball by night!
Kyrie Irving, this combo guard, takes the final bow! A team high-five! Dominant display!
Shaquille O'Neal and Kyrie Irving do the conga. Alone. On an empty court. Nobody joins in. Tonight I had a revelation: Kyrie Irving runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
113-93 (W)
This absolute legend Hulk comes out firing! A double-clutch layup in the first minute!
Hulk with an alley-oop on the break! Running like they're late for work!
Kyrie Irving rejects the layup! A drawn charge by this versatile guy! Get that out!
Kevin Durant, this certified bucket, drives and kicks! Perfect assist for a pull-up jumper!
Hulk iso at the top! Isolating the matchup with scientist focus!
The players head to the locker room. Kevin Durant is sweating like a racehorse. Anecdote of the day: Kevin Durant forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
A double-clutch layup from Hulk at the buzzer! That's a certified bucket-getter!
What an electric crowd! Hulk and the fans creating a spectacle!
This respected competitor Hawkeye dives for the loose ball! Ridiculous creativity on every play!
The story of Hulk: a scientist by morning, a baller by night. The hidden truth would be proud!
This bonafide star Kyrie Irving seals the deal! Victory with a gym-rat work ethic!
Kyrie Irving, Hulk, and Shaquille O'Neal pose for a group photo at center court. Nobody has a phone. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
104-107 (L)
Hawkeye, this well-respected player, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Kevin Durant penetrates the Wilson with an off-the-charts basketball IQ. And it drops! Nothing you can do!
Hulk scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Heavy feet!
A step-back three attempt by Shaquille O'Neal falls short! Tendency to force bad shots in the legs!
Kyrie Irving, this franchise guy, wills the team back! Unreal swagger driving the comeback!
Break. Hulk collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Fun fact: Hulk was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
This top-tier talent Kyrie Irving dribbles out the clock! Occasional mental lapses costing precious seconds!
This global icon Shaquille O'Neal gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
This bonafide star Kevin Durant refuses to lose! The will of a champion!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Shaquille O'Neal fouls in the clutch! Tendency to rush showing late!
Shaquille O'Neal reflects on what could have been. Ego the size of Texas the difference tonight.
Kevin Durant mutters 'damn' under his breath. Hulk says 'yeah' in the same tone. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
130-95 (W)
Shaquille O'Neal fires up the crowd to open the game! This franchise cornerstone starting strong!
Hulk makes it look easy! As easy as a scientist discoverring the hidden truth!
Hawkeye picks apart the defense! Dissecting every move with archer precision!
Hawkeye converts in transition! A euro-step with trademark a gym-rat work ethic!
Hawkeye digs in defensively! Pure God-given talent when the team needs stops!
Halftime. Kevin Durant's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Fun fact: Kevin Durant blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
Hulk with the step-back finger roll! Creating space like a scientist with their lab notebook!
Kevin Durant, this titan, caps off a dominant performance! Night-in night-out consistency from start to finish!
Kevin Durant, this guy everybody knows, tries to block the shot and fouls the backboard!
Hawkeye celebrates with a hug with the coach! Mimicking competing the game on the court!
Kyrie Irving, this multi-time All-Star, with the post-game interview smile! Next-level basketball IQ all night!
Hawkeye improvises an Oscar acceptance speech. Shaquille O'Neal plays the imaginary violin. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
114-104 (W)
Hawkeye begins their shift on the field house! An archer starting the their bare hands shift!
Shaquille O'Neal, this generational talent, unleashes a double-clutch layup off the pick and roll! Bang!
Kevin Durant rotates perfectly for the drawn charge! An unmatched feel for the game on full display!
Kyrie Irving with the lob pass from the left corner! This world-class player to the teammate! Boom!
Hawkeye outsmarts the opponent! The brains of an archer with their bare hands!
Break. Hulk collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. I've been told Hulk always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
A pull-up jumper from Kevin Durant! That's an off-the-charts basketball IQ at the highest level!
Post-game fireworks for Hulk! Brighter than their lab notebook on a perfect day!
Shaquille O'Neal makes the extra pass! This household name hockey assist for an alley-oop!
Kevin Durant leaves it all on the floor! This bonafide star with an off-the-charts basketball IQ effort!
This absolute legend Shaquille O'Neal raises the arms! The win is in the books! A team high-five!
Hawkeye charges toward the crowd. Hulk catches him just before he dives into the stands. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
124-91 (W)
Kyrie Irving, this guy everybody knows, draws first blood! A buzzer-beater to start!
Shaquille O'Neal converts a tough thunderous slam from way beyond the arc! Skill level: elite!
Hawkeye with the skip pass! Assist leads to an open half-court heave!
Kyrie Irving catches fire! And it's a devastating dunk! Pure God-given talent taking over!
Kevin Durant forces the shot-clock violation! Unreal swagger on full display!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Shaquille O'Neal to massage his thighs. The staff told me Shaquille O'Neal sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Hawkeye scores from the elbow! Perfect angle, the archer knows geometry!
This max-contract guy Kyrie Irving adds another! This is a demolition job!
This bonafide star Kyrie Irving catches the ball between the legs! Not intentionally!
Kevin Durant with the emphatic raised fist! This world-class player letting everyone know!
Hulk, this absolute legend, soaks in the moment! Victory driving to the hoop! A slide across the hardwood!
Hawkeye makes a heart with his hands toward the camera. Kyrie Irving makes a bigger heart. Kevin Durant makes a massive heart. Tonight I learned Hawkeye used to be an archer before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
89-114 (L)
And we're underway! Shaquille O'Neal touches the ball first! This guy with rings on every finger looks eager!
Kyrie Irving forces a bad double-clutch layup! This guy everybody knows needs to trust teammates!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Shaquille O'Neal commits the 5-second violation! Clock management tendency to rush!
Hulk, this do-it-all player, gets exploited in the switch! Sometimes predictable game exposed in the mismatch!
Hulk turns the baseline into a workshop. An alley-oop crafted with their lab notebook!
Break. Kyrie Irving collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Anecdote: Kyrie Irving threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
Kyrie Irving attacks the towel! This multi-time All-Star showing ego the size of Texas!
Brick! Hawkeye misfires driving to the hoop! Injury-prone body at the worst time!
This guy with rings on every finger Shaquille O'Neal uses the floater over this long boy coverage! Smart!
This max-contract guy Kyrie Irving signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Lack of consistency!
This legit talent Hawkeye shakes hands and moves on. In the end, heavy feet proved costly.
Kyrie Irving hurls his water bottle at the wall. Hawkeye flinches but doesn't react. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
93-97 (L)
Shaquille O'Neal, this guy with rings on every finger, embraces the hostile crowd! Game on!
Hawkeye carves through and scores! That's what an archer does best!
Shaquille O'Neal, this tree of a man, gets dunked on along the baseline! Poster material!
Hawkeye with a wild attempt! This established player not finding the range tonight!
Kevin Durant forces the turnover! This guy everybody knows creating opportunities on both ends!
Break time. Hulk bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Bus driver's confession: Hulk raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Hawkeye turns it over on a strategic timeout! Worst time to drop the rock!
Kyrie Irving mutters to himself walking back! This bonafide star fighting inner demons!
Win or lose, Kevin Durant has earned respect tonight! This multi-time All-Star warrior spirit!
Kyrie Irving can't handle the pressure! This bonafide star folds at the jump ball!
Hawkeye had the chances but couldn't convert. This well-respected player left wanting.
Hawkeye scratches the back of his neck nervously. Hulk has the look of someone who has seen things. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
104-120 (L)
Kevin Durant fires away onto the floor! The crowd roars for this headliner!
Hawkeye can't get it to fall! Gravity treats the Wilson differently than the game!
Shaquille O'Neal, this mountain of a man, gets called for the carry! Ego the size of Texas in ball-handling!
Hawkeye gets posterized! An archer framed by their bare hands in the worst way!
Shaquille O'Neal, this hall-of-fame lock, operates driving to the hoop with a catch-and-shoot triple! Clinic!
Off to the locker room. Shaquille O'Neal has already drained two water bottles. Anecdote: Shaquille O'Neal lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
Hulk walks away muttering! Muttering about the hidden truth under their breath!
Kevin Durant takes off but the shot rims out! Occasional mental lapses rears its ugly head!
Kevin Durant, this absolute unit, uses the jab step to freeze the defender! Crafty!
Kyrie Irving, this tweener, laboring up and down! Heavy feet draining the energy!
Hawkeye leaves the den with dignity! The dignity of an archer with their bare hands!
Hawkeye and Hulk share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
96-121 (L)
Tip-off! Kevin Durant gets us started! Let's go!
Kevin Durant, this absolute unit, gets the look but can't convert off the pick and roll!
Hulk loses the orange! A scientist would never be this careless!
Shaquille O'Neal falls asleep on the weak side! Lack of consistency exposed!
Hawkeye with the decisive floater! An off-the-charts basketball IQ when it matters most!
Break! Hawkeye rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Intel: Hawkeye refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Kevin Durant mouths off and picks up a T! Shaky emotions under pressure taking over!
Shaquille O'Neal attacks the ball into the front rim! That's frustrating for this hall-of-fame lock!
Hawkeye manipulates the defense! Manipulation worthy of their bare hands on the game!
Kevin Durant explodes but the legs won't cooperate! Ego the size of Texas catching up!
Hulk explodes to the tunnel in disappointment. This certified GOAT candidate will learn from this.
Kevin Durant's eyes are glassy. Kyrie Irving mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
100-125 (L)
Hawkeye locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of an archer who means business!
That one wasn't even close, Hawkeye! Stick to competing the game!
Sloppy handling by Hulk! Discoverring the hidden truth is done with more finesse!
This world-class player Kyrie Irving caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Hawkeye nails a scoop layup from deep! Range like their bare hands reaching across the workshop!
Back to the locker room. Hulk punches his locker. The staff told me Hulk sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.
Kyrie Irving slams the damn ball in frustration! Heavy feet on full display!
Shaquille O'Neal attacks but overcooks it! Occasional mental lapses showing up again!
Kevin Durant reads the defense perfectly! That dawg mentality and a sky-high basketball IQ!
Shaquille O'Neal, this giant, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
Hulk, this combo guard, hangs the head. Tough loss despite scary good handles effort.
Hulk pushes away the reporter's microphone with a gesture. Shaquille O'Neal takes the interview and says 'not tonight'. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Hulk's name. Forgive me. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
76-120 (L)
The game begins and Kevin Durant is ready! You can see freakish explosiveness written all over his face!
Hawkeye whiffs on the jumper! An archer off their game with their bare hands!
Kevin Durant coughs up the ball! Heavy feet strikes again from way beyond the arc!
Shaquille O'Neal turns the head and loses the man! This hall-of-fame lock napping defensively!
Kevin Durant, this certified bucket, barks at the teammate! Injury-prone body taking over!
That's a wrap for now. Hulk dives into the tunnel. Little secret: Hulk listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
Kyrie Irving fires a pull-up jumper in transition but can't connect! Heavy feet showing!
Kyrie Irving, this versatile guy, is drenched in sweat! Emptying the tank!
Hulk crosses over into a trap! Defense that's basically a suggestion when reading the defense!
Kevin Durant gets a technical for complaining! Heavy feet on full display!
This hall-of-fame lock Shaquille O'Neal congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this hall-of-fame lock.
Kyrie Irving closes his eyes walking out. Hawkeye keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
95-102 (L)
Kevin Durant, this 7-footer, takes the court! The incredible energy is electric!
Hulk sends it wide! Their lab notebook wouldn't forgive that either!
Hawkeye throws it into the stands! What was that from this player on the come-up!
Hawkeye gambles for the steal and pays the price! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Hulk dribbles and fires an and-one! This swiss-army-knife type lighting it up!
Break! Hawkeye grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Anecdote: Hawkeye once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Shaquille O'Neal, this absolute unit, throws the hands up! Exasperated from way beyond the arc!
Hulk clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their lab notebook hitting the hidden truth!
This multi-time All-Star Kyrie Irving adjusts at halftime and comes out sharp! Adaptation!
Kyrie Irving grabs the shorts! This franchise guy is running on fumes!
This generational talent Shaquille O'Neal leaves the floor with head held high. Fought to the end.
Shaquille O'Neal bites his lip, fists clenched. Hulk shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
My Team ends the season #10 with a 6W-9L record. Season MVP: Shaquille O'Neal.
Season journal
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