My dream football team — football_team 🇬🇧

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-1 (L)

High recovery from The Miz! He hounded the defender until he cracked. The pressing pays off. Cracking counter, they've knifed through the middle at full tilt. GOOOOAL for Quicksilver! He plays Luigi in, gets it back and places his shot to the keeper's wrong side!

Fifteen-yard belly slide from The Miz, arms out like an aeroplane. Luigi follows in like he's skiing. Mbappe arrives at a casual walk and flops on top last. The pile is three bodies deep. The physio is already panicking about someone's back.

And it's a goal! Paris Saint-Glinglin punish us for that sloppy defending. Heads will roll.

Mbappe unfurls a banner hidden in his shorts: 'FOR THE LADS DOWN THE ROAD'. The home end erupts. Gianluigi Donnarumma makes a heart sign with his hands. Mbappe finally shows up, completely out of breath, collapses next to them.

The plumber plays it simple to Wally West, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Wally West finds Glenn Quagmire in the dead zone between the full-back and the centre-half, pass into space, collected on the run. Pure class. Glenn Quagmire forces a pass to Quicksilver who was not in position. Bad read, ball gone. Decisive interception from the superhero, he cut out the passing lane as if he knew the opposition game plan. That is exactly what you want from a player in that role.

Enormous anticipation from Wally West who intercepts and kills the opposition attack stone dead. The pressing has paid off. Wally West sets it for IShowSpeed, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. IShowSpeed beats his man with a sharp outside cut, the skill is absolutely effortless. IShowSpeed puts the ball right into the mixer, Gianluigi Donnarumma arrives in the middle of the defensive cluster. Gianluigi Donnarumma meets the cross from Steve with his head but it goes over the bar!

The aircraft pilot puts his corner in but it is cleared. In that position, the quality of your delivery from corners is what separates danger from damp squibs. The professional wrestler opens up to Luigi on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver.

Nobody is talking but everyone is thinking. Wally West reties {his} laces for the fourth time. Mbappe cracks {his} neck left, then right. The scoreline is level and the anxiety is palpable. The gaffer finally speaks: "Fifteen minutes. Give me fifteen minutes of proper intensity at the start of the second half and we win this." A scouting report from Wally West's youth days says — and I quote — 'technically raw, but can eat a full Sunday roast in under eight minutes.' That kind of efficiency translates to the pitch. He's now 28 and hasn't slowed down at the dinner table. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 4466 and answer this question: 'In which year did the pork pie achieve sentience in Barnsley?' Out they come. The Miz has changed {his} boots at the break and is already pinging the ball around to get a feel. Business time.

The Miz delivers a pinpoint free kick into the box, Wally West is there to receive. The superhero thumps his header wide of the post. In that position, chances like that do not come around often, shame about the accuracy. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare.

Hollow dominance, not a single dangerous move on show. Quicksilver attempts a cross but it is badly weighted, the keeper claims with no pressure. Mbappe bursts off his line and gathers the cross with both hands. Boss-level take, total command. Steve delivers a tidy ball to Pelé, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work.

The team sits deep and absorbs everything, still holding. Mbappe climbs and gathers the leather with both hands, that is reassuring. Mbappe finds The Miz with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money.

The free kick is played short by Glenn Quagmire to Quicksilver, smart approach that. Quicksilver lofts a cross into the box, Pelé is there, sandwiched between two defenders, ready to pounce. Lovely take from Mbappe! He comes off his line and claims the cross, clean as a whistle.

Steve puts in a crunching challenge, all ball, no foul. The attacker's left with absolutely nothing. Steve embarks on a solo raid, he picks it up on the halfway line and drives straight at goal. Great vision from Steve who finds Luigi in the right channel with a pass into acres of space. Room to breathe.

VAR check in progress, the whole stadium is holding its breath. VAR corrects the referee's mistake, The Miz fully deserves the red! The Miz retaliates with a vicious kick to the opponent's shin. The ref sends him packing. The Miz plays the free kick short to Glenn Quagmire, clever little combination to catch the defence off guard.

Level score. Mbappe screams at the sky out of frustration — we were leading at half time. Achraf Hakimi boots a stray training ball as far as he can, just to let it out. The ref watches, doesn't love it, lets it go. Everyone understands. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Colin Flannel-Trousers, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'In which year did the pork pie achieve sentience in Barnsley?'. The answer was of course 2019, though it immediately requested to be left alone, which is very Barnsley. Colin wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

1-1 (L)

Quicksilver puts his free kick on a sixpence into the area, Pelé comes steaming in. Oh my days Pelé what on EARTH is that! Monumental own goal! He deflects the ball off his knee into his own net, the keeper is gobsmacked, his teammates are FUMING. What absolute HORROR!

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment Quicksilver strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. Wally West points at it, jaw on the floor. Mbappe shakes his head, not believing it.

Quicksilver shifts it to Luigi with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Wall pass between the plumber and Glenn Quagmire, the combination is crystal clear. That is exactly why he plays there. Offside against the plumber, who mistimed his run on Wally West's pass. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions. The midfielders are enjoying their little triangles but what's the point?

The corner from Glenn Quagmire is headed away by a tall defender, nothing doing there. Wally West boots it into touch with a last-ditch sliding clearance, the effort is desperate but it does the business. Mbappe hoofs it forward towards Quicksilver, clearance mode, no time to mess about.

They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. Pelé releases Achraf Hakimi with a ball into space on the left. The defence is sliding across but they are too late. Burst of pace from Achraf Hakimi on the wing, the full-back cannot live with that speed.

It's hit the back of the net! México No-Era-Penal lead and we look completely lost.

Gianluigi Donnarumma paces up and down the dressing room, unable to sit still. Adrenaline and frustration mixed together in equal measure. The gaffer blocks {his} path: "Sit down. Breathe. Channel all of that into the next forty-five minutes. I need you sharp, not frantic. Understood?" Gianluigi Donnarumma exhales and sits. Inside information from the dressing room — Gianluigi Donnarumma insists on having a Tesco meal deal exactly ninety minutes before every match. Chicken and bacon sandwich, salt and vinegar crisps, and a Ribena. No substitutions. The nutritionist has simply given up. And now, our TV game show Escape to the Country Lane! To win directions to a village with no phone signal, text 0800RURAL and answer: 'How far from the nearest Tesco Express must you live before it counts as the countryside?' Out they come. Steve has changed {his} boots at the break and is already pinging the ball around to get a feel. Business time.

Quicksilver changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Pelé. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Floated cross from Pelé off the right, Glenn Quagmire has stationed himself on the penalty spot. Anything is possible. SUPERB take from Mbappe! He climbs above everyone and gathers with authority. Mbappe rolls it short to Luigi into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play.

The plumber lays it off first time to Gianluigi Donnarumma, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Trip by Gianluigi Donnarumma, the opponent goes tumbling. Standard free kick. Gianluigi Donnarumma goes into the book for accumulated fouls. The ref put the whistle away too long. Free kick blocked! Gianluigi Donnarumma struck it well but the wall held firm. Gianluigi Donnarumma lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war.

It's end-to-end stuff, these final minutes are absolutely mad! What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. Wally West reads the movement from The Miz and puts the ball right into the pocket of space. Game intelligence off the charts. The professional wrestler roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head.

The team is building serious momentum, chances are starting to flow. They push up sky high, the defender is forced into a hurried clearance. Achraf Hakimi dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution. Achraf Hakimi throws himself at it and clears the ball just in time, he has saved the furniture with whatever was at hand.

Gianluigi Donnarumma hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match. The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge. Sterile stuff this, pass after pass going nowhere fast.

Steve feeds Pelé in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Crossfield pass from Pelé to Wally West, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. Inch-perfect cross from Wally West, the ball clips just over the keeper's hands and finds The Miz at the back post. The cross from The Miz is miles away from IShowSpeed, completely off the mark.

Draw. Mbappe takes the time to shake every México No-Era-Penal player's hand, one by one — old habit, old manners. Luigi follows suit. The screens show the stats: possession 50, shots on target 4 each. Perfect mirror. Neither side deserved more. Hilary from Surrey says at least three miles from a Tesco Express and you need at least one cow visible from the window. Directions for Hilary! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

1-0 (W)

Pelé goes crossfield to The Miz, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. The Miz sends in a curling delivery, Achraf Hakimi peels off the back of his marker and finds space. OG for Achraf Hakimi! Oh no no no no, what a DISASTER! The shot from IShowSpeed was harmless, but Achraf Hakimi deflects it into his own goal. The kind of thing that HAUNTS you for WEEKS.

Pelé slides onto his belly right in front of a pitchside photographer and gives him a thumbs up. The bloke takes the most cinematic photo of his career. Quicksilver photobombs from behind. Front pages tomorrow.

Steve cleans up with a magnificent sliding tackle, wins possession, and plays it forward. That's the complete defensive action. Steve launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to The Miz, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully.

Mbappe lumps it long towards IShowSpeed, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. The rapper butchers that pass, straight to the opposition. Unusual for a player of his calibre. High recovery from Gianluigi Donnarumma after a three-second press. The defender panicked under the pressure and who can blame him.

Corner from Quicksilver, Glenn Quagmire throws himself at it and heads it but it goes past the right post. Authoritative clearance from Steve in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards. Aerial duel won by Wally West, he outmuscles his opponent in the air. Aerial power is his bread and butter. Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart.

Lay-off from IShowSpeed to Wally West, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Ball in behind from the superhero, Pelé is through on goal. That is the kind of pass that justifies the price tag all on its own. Pelé is called offside but it's marginal at best! Quicksilver is absolutely livid. Long ball from Mbappe for Quicksilver who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy. Textbook tackle from Quicksilver there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted.

The gaffer sits down, crosses his arms, and just watches the lads for a moment. Pelé is chatting with IShowSpeed about holiday plans. Someone is throwing grapes into someone else's mouth. The staff are relaxed, the players are relaxed. "Right, let us not get complacent," the boss finally says. "But well played. Seriously." Absolutely unbelievable scenes — The Miz, aged 46, once admitted on live radio that he eats a Greggs sausage roll before every single match. The lad swears it's the secret to his pace, and honestly, who are we to argue with those numbers? And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 6767 and answer this question: 'What is the collective noun for a group of caravans blocking a road?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. IShowSpeed wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

The tension is unbearable, you can only hear the shouts on the pitch. Mbappe up for the corner, everyone hold their breath, the keeper has abandoned his post. The superhero wins the aerial duel with authority. In that position, heading is the foundation, and he has just reminded everyone why he starts. Good ball from the superhero to Gianluigi Donnarumma, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does.

Ultra-compact low block, couldn't get a needle through this. Clutch recovery from Achraf Hakimi! The attacker thought he was through but got hunted down on the last stride. Achraf Hakimi with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality.

Pelé gets up well on the corner from Glenn Quagmire but his header is too high. Cannot find the frame. Massive punt from Mbappe, sends the ball sixty yards, Pelé is scrapping for it up top. Huge aerial duel won by Pelé, he jumped so high he could have caught a passing plane.

Decisive glance from Wally West who spots the pass leaving the boot and throws himself into the trajectory. What a lifesaving interception. Wally West spots Glenn Quagmire in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness.

Glenn Quagmire floats his corner in but a defender climbs highest and heads it clear. Pelé looks up and launches a long pass towards Quicksilver. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky.

Massive win over Casablanca Dima-Maghrib! IShowSpeed is the last man off the pitch, soaking in every last decibel. The ground's half-empty but the noise is still deafening. The Miz pops his head out of the tunnel: "Oi, the pizza's getting cold!" Priorities. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Valerie Dampsworth, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the collective noun for a group of caravans blocking a road?'. The answer was of course a Frustration of Caravans, not to be confused with a Despair of Tractors. Valerie wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

1-0 (W)

IShowSpeed sprints at the defender and pinches the ball right off his toes. Aggressive pressing, decisive recovery. IShowSpeed strings together a series of dribbles and covers fifty yards on his own. The crowd is on its feet. GOAL with a lob from the rapper! In that position, having the AWARENESS to spot the keeper off his line and the composure to chip it over, that is what makes great players. MASTERFUL.

The superhero finds Pelé along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Pelé looks up and swings in a floated cross, Quicksilver rises among the defenders. The cross from Quicksilver is blocked by a defender, the defence has done its job. Mbappe boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Quicksilver! Long ball that catches everyone off guard.

Back to the keeper for the fifteenth time, fans have had enough. IShowSpeed strikes from 20 yards, good effort but it drifts just right. A touch too much curl. We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back.

Smooth transition from IShowSpeed to Quicksilver, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Body feint from the superhero, the defender is eliminated. When you have got that technique in that role, you cause carnage. Quicksilver goes for it and fires! Wide, just to the left of goal. Not far off at all. Mbappe sends an absolute rocket towards Luigi, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch.

The Miz tries the one-two with Wally West and it comes off! The wall is perfect, The Miz wins the battle without even touching the opponent. Devastating burst of pace from The Miz, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank. Ball loss from the professional wrestler on a dribble. In that role, taking risks is fine, but the timing has to be spot on. The professional wrestler positions himself in the passing lane and intercepts the ball. In that role, reading the game is the invisible weapon, and he has just pulled it out at the perfect moment.

IShowSpeed is telling anyone who will listen about the nutmeg {he} put on their centre-half. "Did you see his face? Mate, he looked like he had seen a ghost!" Mbappe adds: "The poor lad is probably still turning." The gaffer lets the banter flow. Happy dressing room, happy results. The Miz claims to hold the unofficial world record for eating 47 Jaffa Cakes in under six minutes. At 46 years old, the achievement remains unrecognised by Guinness but celebrated in the dressing room. And now, our TV game show Ready Steady Can't Cook! To win an M&S dine-in-for-two deal, text 0800DINE and answer: 'How many times can you reheat a shepherd's pie before it becomes a health hazard?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Achraf Hakimi wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

Transition play in overdrive, they're at the edge of the box already. The Miz shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for Steve. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces. Steve has a crack and BAAANG! Wide but the ball kissed the post on the way out. Mbappe distributes short to Steve, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes.

Mbappe plays out from the back with Luigi, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. Diagonal from Luigi to IShowSpeed, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Nutmeg from IShowSpeed on his marker, the ball pops out the other side. Disrespectful.

The free kick from Glenn Quagmire lands right on Pelé in the heart of the box. What a delivery! Pelé launches the ball with his head off the delivery from Quicksilver, it flies wide. Agonising. Beautiful distribution from Mbappe to Luigi, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder.

Pelé finds Quicksilver between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Superb diagonal from the superhero to Pelé, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. Good run from Pelé who crosses to the near post for Steve. The defender is beaten to it. The cross from Steve is a gift for the keeper who catches it with total composure.

What a situation from The Miz's corner! It's a right old scrap in the box, the defense survives! Clearance from Glenn Quagmire under pressure, the ball flies into touch on the far side. It is not in the coaching manual but it works. Aerial duel lost by the aircraft pilot, outmuscled by the attacker. It happens to the best, but in that role you need to bounce back fast.

Superb! Wally West jogs toward the tunnel but stops, turns around, and takes one last look at the pitch under the lights. Steve waits for him at the door: "Beautiful, isn't it?" Wally West nods. They disappear inside. The muffled sound of celebration follows. Magic night. Pamela from Solihull says twice is the legal limit and after that you're playing Russian roulette with leftovers. M&S dine-in deal for Pamela! Coming up: 'Gogglebox, but the families are watching Gogglebox watching Gogglebox.' It's telly-ception. Nobody knows what's real anymore. The dog seems fine with it.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

3-2 (W)

The Miz hits the afterburners and flies past his defender, that is blistering pace. The referee POINTS to the penalty spot! The Miz has been clipped at the feet inside the box. No argument, it is a penalty! The stadium is holding its collective BREATH! Penalty from The Miz! He fires it hard under the bar, the keeper was on the right line but it was TOO POWERFUL. GOAL!

The Miz mimes a baseball home run, watches the imaginary ball disappear into imaginary clouds, then jogs round the bases. Glenn Quagmire plays the opposing manager crying on the sideline. Mbappe applauds from the centre circle. The home end losing it.

BEGINNER's error from Mbappe! At his level, that kind of blunder is unacceptable, the coach will see red. GOOOAL! Glenn Quagmire pops up at the back post on the cross from Pelé and prods the ball into the empty net from 2 yards!

Mbappe slides onto his belly right in front of a pitchside photographer and gives him a thumbs up. The bloke takes the most cinematic photo of his career. Gianluigi Donnarumma photobombs from behind. Front pages tomorrow.

Intense pressing from The Miz, he wins the ball back thirty yards from goal. Surging run from The Miz from the centre circle, he destroys everything in his path. What a spectacle. The professional wrestler executes a MAGNIFICENT lob! In that position, it is finesse and intelligence that make the difference, and that is exactly what we just saw. GOAL OF GENIUS!

They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. Quicksilver absolutely butchers that pass, straight into the feet of the opposition. The superhero wins the ball back high up after a ferocious press. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: intensity and sacrifice.

The team is resisting with real discipline, no cracks in the shape. Stunning tackle by Achraf Hakimi in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. Achraf Hakimi lays it off first time to Gianluigi Donnarumma, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Gianluigi Donnarumma sends Steve into acres of space with a clipped ball over the top. The defence turns, but it is way too late.

Quicksilver starts a chant and within seconds the whole dressing room joins in. Boots stamping, hands clapping, proper old-school dressing room stuff. Mbappe conducts like it is the Last Night of the Proms. The gaffer lets it go for thirty seconds then kills it: "Save the singing for the pub tonight. We have still got a job to do." Roommates on away trips confirm Mbappe sleepwalks to the hotel minibar and eats all the Pringles unconsciously. At 25, the lad has no memory of it and denies the crumb evidence every single time. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a year's membership to the National Trust, text 3210 and answer: 'What is the correct pronunciation of scone?' Kick-off! Mbappe wins the first challenge of the second half and the crowd roars its approval. That is the intensity we need.

GOAAAL! Douala Makossa-Corner make it count! Sliced through us like a hot knife through butter.

Lovely quick transition, but the final decision-making is terrible. Acceleration from The Miz down the side, he takes the space behind the full-back. It is a motorway. Looping cross from The Miz, it sails over the centre-halves and drops towards Luigi. Danger. Luigi puts too much power on his cross, it flies through the box and out for a throw. Quick throw from Mbappe to The Miz out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go.

Nightmare! Douala Makossa-Corner score! That goal was coming, we've been under the cosh.

Mbappe sprints to the dugout, hugs the physio, then the doc, then finally the gaffer who pretends to push him off but squeezes him anyway. Glenn Quagmire photobombs behind with a perfect grimace. Picture of the season, right there.

Free kick from The Miz delivered with pace, IShowSpeed finds himself in space at the far post. IShowSpeed outjumps everyone for this header but it does not find the target. Wide. Stodgy, sluggish football, the entertainment has drained out of the game.

Massive clearance from Wally West in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished. Loads of ball, no ideas, we're waiting for someone to try something. The Miz sends a cross that finds nobody, the ball flies past the far post with no takers.

Granite block, the opposition breaks its teeth on it. Enormous run from Achraf Hakimi to get back! Cuts across the attacker's path and blocks the shot. Heroic. Mbappe comes out like a madman and narrows the angle! The attacker tried the chip but the keeper claimed it all. Rampart defense, the opposition can't try anything dangerous at all.

Mbappe distributes by hand to Steve on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Enormous leap from the player who wins the header. In that role, a player who wins his aerial duels like that is an insurance policy. Short pass from the player to IShowSpeed, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Sublime through ball from IShowSpeed for Quicksilver who ghosts between the two centre-backs. The line is broken.

FULL TIME! Glenn Quagmire jumps on Gianluigi Donnarumma's back for a piggyback ride toward the dugout. The bench erupts. The kitman is doing a jig nobody asked for. Douala Makossa-Corner shake hands and disappear, but we're staying. This moment deserves to be savoured. Derek from Tunbridge Wells says it rhymes with gone and the entire studio audience has erupted into civil war. He still gets the membership though. And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

1-2 (L)

They've broken like lightning, the keeper's the only man left to beat. The aircraft pilot places his shot to perfection on the cross from Quicksilver, GOOOOAL! In that position, that finesse in the foot is pure gold.

Lovely anticipation from the player who cuts out the opposition pass. In his position, that kind of interception is worth as much as a goal. Steve pings a ridiculous diagonal to IShowSpeed. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. IShowSpeed with a last-gasp tackle that saves the day! Gets everything on the ball and nothing on the man. Heroic stuff. IShowSpeed drops a lofted ball to Steve, it sails over the entire midfield line. Crafty ball from Steve into the gap, Luigi arrives into the space and collects on the move.

Short free kick from The Miz, Glenn Quagmire receives in space and can play on. Glenn Quagmire slips Achraf Hakimi in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Good delivery from Achraf Hakimi off the left flank, Quicksilver positions himself between the two centre-halves. Outrageous stop from Mbappe! The striker thought it was in but the keeper said NOPE.

Quicksilver plays it back for Achraf Hakimi who finds himself face to face with the goal inside the box. AAAARGH Achraf Hakimi! Pelé puts the ball on his head, the goal is empty, and he nods it wide. That stings. Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll.

And that's a goal! Lagos No-Carry-Last extend their lead. We are in deep trouble here.

Mbappe does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Glenn Quagmire launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Mbappe arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

The keeper slams {his} gloves against the wall: "I cannot do it all on my own! Where is the protection?!" Wally West takes the hit without responding. Mbappe drops {his} head. The gaffer intervenes: "Nobody is pointing fingers. We are ALL in this mess together. Now we get ourselves out of it. Together." A little fun fact for you — Luigi, all 158 of him, once entered a village conker championship in Lower Piddle and made it to the semi-finals. He was disqualified for soaking his conker in vinegar, which frankly shows the sort of competitive edge you want in a footballer. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Leave the Roundabout! To win a sat nav that actually understands the Swindon magic roundabout, text 5789 and answer: 'How many times must you go around a roundabout before you are legally allowed to give up and go home?' The second period begins and Quicksilver launches a crossfield ball within ten seconds. Statement of intent right there. The second half will not be like the first.

Switch from The Miz! The ball arcs over the midfield and Glenn Quagmire collects it on the other side. Stretching the play. Dominant header from Glenn Quagmire on the corner, he outmuscles his marker and wins the aerial duel. The ground shakes. Almighty boot from Glenn Quagmire who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe. Glenn Quagmire wins the battle in the air against the attacker, he took the elevator while everyone else took the stairs. Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z.

GOAL! Lagos No-Carry-Last have broken through! Their forward buried it into the bottom corner.

Mbappe dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

Transition at warp speed, four passes and they're in the box. The plumber winds up and fires, wide but close. In that position, keep pulling the trigger, the goal is coming. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages.

Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality. They're knocking it about without finding any way through, plenty of possession but nothing to show for it. Achraf Hakimi sends an aerial beauty to Quicksilver, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile. Quicksilver takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race.

Good ball from Gianluigi Donnarumma to The Miz, playing it quick between the lines. The Miz reaches the byline and rolls it back along the ground, IShowSpeed receives it in the box. It is on a plate. The rapper has a crack and FIIIIRES! On target but the keeper saves. In that position, you've got to be brave enough to shoot and he absolutely was.

Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end. Absolute peach from Pelé, threading it through for IShowSpeed, the centre-halves are done for!

Steve reads that pass like an open book, surgical interception. Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. The plumber overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon.

Lost it. Achraf Hakimi kicks a water bottle across the dressing room. Nobody flinches — they've all been there. Steve hands him a towel without a word. The gaffer waits for the anger to pass before speaking. "Right. Let's talk about what we do next." Norman from Swindon says three full rotations is the legal maximum and after that you must simply accept your fate. Sat nav for Norman! Coming up: 'Gogglebox, but the families are watching Gogglebox watching Gogglebox.' It's telly-ception. Nobody knows what's real anymore. The dog seems fine with it.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

1-1 (L)

Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. Luigi picks up the ball and decides to go end to end, defenders fall one by one. GOOOAL! Luigi sends a SUMPTUOUS lob over the goalkeeper! The ball makes a perfect parabola and drops into the goal. Technical MASTERPIECE!

Complete suffocation, the opposition can't get past the halfway line. The professional wrestler gives it straight to the opposition. That sort of waste is not forgiven at his level. Achraf Hakimi cuts out the opposition's build-up with a perfectly timed interception. The kind of player who plays chess while everyone else plays draughts. Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered.

The timing is everything: IShowSpeed releases the ball at the perfect moment and Gianluigi Donnarumma explodes into the space behind. The defence is cooked. Gianluigi Donnarumma is well offside there. Pelé tried to find him but the run was mistimed. The game is crying out for a moment of magic, nothing's happening. Monumental ball from The Miz to Wally West, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet.

IShowSpeed puts his corner into the box but the defence is solid, cleared away. Quicksilver swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Glenn Quagmire, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Burst of speed from Glenn Quagmire, he devours the left flank in a matter of seconds. Impressive. The aircraft pilot loses the ball trying to dribble. In that position, you have got to pick your moments, and that was one too many. The superhero intercepts the pass with textbook reading of the game. In that position, it is that intelligence that separates a good player from a great one.

Turnover and they're off to the races, a proper counter-punch. Pelé curls one with his right, it's bending and bending but it slides just wide of the post. So close! A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent.

Mbappe stands up without being asked: "We need to show some bottle, lads. This is not a friendly against Barranquilla Toque-Toque. Where is the fight? Where is the desire?" The gaffer nods slowly. The Miz cracks {his} knuckles. The message lands. Sometimes the players need to hear it from one of their own. Roommates on away trips confirm Quicksilver sleepwalks to the hotel minibar and eats all the Pringles unconsciously. At 28, the lad has no memory of it and denies the crumb evidence every single time. And now, our TV game show The One Show Nobody Asked For! To win a cushion from a John Lewis display, text 5345 and answer: 'How many throw cushions is too many throw cushions on a sofa?' The dressing rooms empty and the pitch fills up again. Luigi does a few quick stretches on the touchline before jogging into position. Ready for war.

GOAL for Barranquilla Toque-Toque! Their striker has slotted it home, nothing our keeper could do.

Fifteen-yard belly slide from Mbappe, arms out like an aeroplane. Pelé follows in like he's skiing. Mbappe arrives at a casual walk and flops on top last. The pile is three bodies deep. The physio is already panicking about someone's back.

Glenn Quagmire sends the corner in but a defender gets there first and heads it out for a throw. Steve intercepts in the danger zone, he read the opposition's combination as if he had the match script in his back pocket. The player switches the play to Wally West, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. Wally West shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class.

Mbappe fires it out quickly by hand to Quicksilver, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart. Little shift from Quicksilver to The Miz, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. The Miz picks out IShowSpeed with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. IShowSpeed picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train. Cross from IShowSpeed off the left, the ball travels across the entire six-yard box and finds Glenn Quagmire at the far side.

Relentless pressure, the back line is groaning under the weight. Overlap and cross from Quicksilver, the ball drops at the feet of Steve in the heart of the box. Steve is dominated in the aerial duel, the attacker is simply stronger in the air on that occasion.

IShowSpeed wastes time shamelessly but effectively. Nothing the opposition can do. Booking for IShowSpeed. Screaming at the linesman is never a good idea. IShowSpeed plays the free kick as a cross, Luigi finds himself one-on-one after the knockdown. Header from the plumber, it flies wide! In that role, aerial ability matters and he was so close to scoring there.

Short corner from Quicksilver, IShowSpeed comes back to lay it off, they're looking for a fresh angle. Right-footed cross from IShowSpeed, the ball bends beautifully into the box and seeks out Wally West. The superhero gets his cross wrong, too much juice on it. The intent is there but the execution lets him down tonight. Monster clearance from Mbappe, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Steve. Steve crushes it in the air, he wins the header with incredible power. The opponent was left flat-footed.

Perfect parity. Luigi slaps hands with the opposition manager, mutual respect. "Good game, gaffer." "Good game." Formality, but meant. Achraf Hakimi watches from the bench. Some draws are honest. This one is. Brian from Coventry says anything above four cushions is an act of aggression against anyone trying to sit down. John Lewis cushion for Brian! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-2 (L)

Heroic low block, every single player at his post. Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. Quicksilver winds up the right foot and sends a ROCKET top bins! GOAL, that is the strike of the match!

Quicksilver climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Mbappe films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Wally West launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty. Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative. You can feel the tide turning, they're camped in the opposition half now.

Passing it around in the centre circle, not a single risk taken. Massive diagonal from Gianluigi Donnarumma! IShowSpeed receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards. Big strike from the rapper, on target but saved. In that role, when you've got that kind of foot on you, you're dangerous at all times.

Mbappe opts for the short option to IShowSpeed, keeping possession, building play, no panic. IShowSpeed loses the header against the towering forward. The size difference told the story. Ball claimed by Mbappe on the cross, total authority in his box. Gianluigi Donnarumma rolls it to IShowSpeed, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Short build-up from IShowSpeed to Luigi, playing out from the back, keeping it safe.

Defensive organization is perfect, the opposition hits a brick wall. Mbappe comes out like a missile and blocks the strike! The attacker thought he had a clear run, the keeper said NO. Mbappe plays it along the ground to Glenn Quagmire, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. What positioning from Glenn Quagmire! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts. Raid from Glenn Quagmire starting in his own half, he eats up the pitch and arrives in front of goal. Moment of madness.

The gaffer boots the door open and launches a water bottle across the dressing room. It explodes against the far wall and nobody flinches because they all know they deserve it. "What the bloody hell was that?!" he roars. Mbappe stares at the floor. Wally West cannot even look up. Absolute shambles. A source close to the squad tells us that Luigi has an encyclopaedic knowledge of every item on the Greggs menu. He can recite prices, calorie counts, and seasonal specials. At 158, he's basically a walking Greggs database. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 2244 and answer this question: 'How many kettles are boiling at any given moment in Britain?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Quicksilver leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

The ball carrier has no time, three shirts on him instantly. Clinical interception from Steve, he cuts out the pass between the opposition lines and breaks forward on the counter. The crowd loves it, and rightly so. Wing switch from Steve, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and IShowSpeed brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. IShowSpeed throws himself into the tackle and comes out with the ball. That's pure desire, that is.

GOAAAL! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa make no mistake! The defence parted like the Red Sea.

Solidarity move: Mbappe grabs Quicksilver who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Quicksilver a standing ovation right through to the restart.

The aircraft pilot plays it simple to IShowSpeed, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end. Waves of attack crashing down, something has to give soon. Pelé puts the pressure on the ball carrier and forces the error, high recovery!

Crunching tackle by Gianluigi Donnarumma on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it. Solo raid from Gianluigi Donnarumma from inside his own half, he beats everyone. That is unbelievable.

Gianluigi Donnarumma keeps it short to Pelé, no frills, just good football intelligence. Pelé clatters into the opponent, a fraction late on the challenge. Free kick. Pelé finally goes into the book. Third foul, the ref had enough of it.

It's there! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa hit the back of the net. Our goalkeeper was rooted to the spot.

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment Mbappe strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. Wally West points at it, jaw on the floor. Mbappe shakes his head, not believing it.

The superhero absolutely clatters the attacker with a wild lunge. That kind of recklessness has no place in that position. Booking for Quicksilver, studs up at chest height. That's borderline red, he's lucky. Quicksilver puts in a surgical free kick to the back post, Luigi is there to finish. The plumber rises above everyone and wins the header. In that position, aerial dominance is what separates the good from the great.

Defeat. Pelé sits on the pitch long after the whistle, knees pulled up, replaying every mistake in his head. IShowSpeed comes back out from the tunnel to get him: "Come on, mate. Can't stay here all night." The groundsman's already got the sprinklers going. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Norman Pebbledash, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many kettles are boiling at any given moment in Britain?'. The answer was of course 27 million, and that number doubles during any form of national crisis or EastEnders cliffhanger. Norman wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Coming up: 'Gogglebox, but the families are watching Gogglebox watching Gogglebox.' It's telly-ception. Nobody knows what's real anymore. The dog seems fine with it.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

1-2 (L)

Free kick crossed in by the rapper into the box! In that position, putting deliveries like that into the area is what creates danger at every set piece. CATASTROPHIC own goal from The Miz! Nooooo! He gets the faintest of touches trying to anticipate Luigi and the ball goes through his keeper's legs. This is CRUEL, this is SICKENING, this is a NIGHTMARE.

IShowSpeed spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Achraf Hakimi gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

GOAL! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío have made it count! The defence was caught ball-watching, criminal stuff.

Mbappe runs the entire perimeter of the pitch, slapping every hand sticking out of the fence. It takes him nearly two minutes. The roar follows him round the ground. Mbappe tries to keep up and gives up at the halfway line.

A real crescendo is building here, the noise levels are climbing. Enormous press from The Miz who wins the ball thirty yards from goal. The opponent buckled under the pressure.

Tight-knit defense, compact shape, the opposition has to shoot from distance. Gianluigi Donnarumma absolutely legs it back to catch the attacker and gets there just in time. What an effort. That is a tackle of the highest order from Gianluigi Donnarumma. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic.

Corner from IShowSpeed, DANGER! Bodies flying in the box, a defender throws himself at it to clear! The superhero boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. The opposition has eleven behind the ball and a smile on their face.

Deathly silence in the dressing room. You could hear a pin drop. Mbappe sits with {his} head in {his} hands, the picture of a footballer who knows {he} has had a nightmare. Luigi is slumped against the wall, eyes vacant. The gaffer stands in front of them, veins bulging in his neck, searching for words that will not come out as screaming. Dressing room sources reveal IShowSpeed can play the recorder with terrifying proficiency. The 21-year-old whips out Three Blind Mice before every away match — the coach has tried and failed to ban it. And now, our TV game show Marmite or Marmalade! To win a year's supply of both and a lifetime of arguments, text 4456 and answer: 'Is Marmite a food or a personality test?' The whistle goes and twenty-two players get back to it. Mbappe claps {his} hands three times, {his} little pre-half ritual. Here we go.

Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper. Pelé sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Quicksilver. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. The superhero is beaten to the header by his marker. In that position, a lost duel like that is a warning sign. The aircraft pilot hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did. Dead time on the pitch, both sides happy to keep it ticking over.

Pass into space from Achraf Hakimi for Wally West, played ahead of the pack. Anticipation makes the difference. The superhero accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything. Wally West crosses into thin air, nobody at the end of it. That is a waste of possession. The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up.

Absolutely dreadful! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío score and we have only ourselves to blame.

What a sacrifice from Achraf Hakimi! Puts in a 40-yard sprint to get back and help his defence. Nasty little foul from Achraf Hakimi, he takes out the legs from under the runner. Achraf Hakimi goes into the book for a professional foul. Stopped the break dead, no regrets. Achraf Hakimi picks up his second yellow and gets the red card. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Free kick from Achraf Hakimi played as a cross, Gianluigi Donnarumma positions himself at the far post.

Gianluigi Donnarumma reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. Quick transition, three touches and they're through on goal, but the finish lets them down. The professional wrestler lets fly and it's wide. Flirted with the frame though. In that position, with a tiny bit more precision that's going in. They've got the ball but it's troubling absolutely nobody.

Achraf Hakimi with an absolutely perfect sliding tackle, takes the ball right off the attacker's toes. Nothing given, play on! What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere. Luigi sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. One touch football: Luigi to Wally West, faster than the opposition can think. Magnificent shift from Wally West! Pelé picks it up in space, no marker in sight, the pitch is his.

Mbappe goes long for Achraf Hakimi, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Achraf Hakimi steals the ball in the passing lanes, that is pure reading of the game, intelligent football at its finest. Quick exchange between Achraf Hakimi and Pelé, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Pelé to Glenn Quagmire, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf.

That's that, then. IShowSpeed trudges off with his socks rolled down and his head somewhere else entirely. Luigi hangs back to applaud the fans who stayed — there aren't many, but they're still singing. Loyalty like that deserves a nod. Nigel from Margate says it's definitely a personality test and he failed it magnificently. A year of Marmite AND marmalade for Nigel! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

1-2 (L)

Pelé catches everyone off guard with a solo burst, he is unstoppable. Pelé storms into the box and the defender UNBALANCES him! The referee awards a penalty! The player gets up, the stadium is SILENT, everyone is holding their breath. Pelé does everything right! Penalty placed with finesse to the left, the keeper goes right. GOAL, ice cold!

Oh that's heartbreaking! Rio Malandro FC score right on the stroke of half-time.

Groans from the stands, this possession is going nowhere. Brilliant switch of play from Steve! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of The Miz. Powerful effort from The Miz, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper stretches and tips it over the bar.

The opponent gets the better of the professional wrestler in the header. In his role, that is the kind of situation where concentration must be at its peak. Mbappe makes a howler! He spills the ball, it is loose in front of goal, that is BENEATH a keeper of his level. Mbappe takes his time and plays it short to Achraf Hakimi. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. Achraf Hakimi plays it simple to Gianluigi Donnarumma, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

Steve heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one. 70% possession, zero chances created, you can't win games like that. The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. Good ball from the aircraft pilot to IShowSpeed, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. IShowSpeed bounces it off Luigi for a cutting one-two. It threads between two defenders, that is top quality.

The gaffer pulls up the replay on his tablet and shoves it in Steve's face: "Look at that. A gap size of the Grand Canyon in our backline and you are ball-watching. BALL. WATCHING. What are you, a spectator?!" Steve takes it on the chin. There is nothing to say. The evidence is damning. Glenn Quagmire claims to hold the unofficial world record for eating 47 Jaffa Cakes in under six minutes. At 69 years old, the achievement remains unrecognised by Guinness but celebrated in the dressing room. And now, our TV game show The Masked Commuter! To win a monthly Oyster card and a disapproving stare, text 0800TUBE and answer: 'What is the correct facial expression when someone sits next to you on an empty train?' The PA announces the restart and the stadium comes alive. Gianluigi Donnarumma is already in position, feet planted, shoulders square. Locked and loaded.

Disaster! Rio Malandro FC score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

Mbappe sprints to the dugout, hugs the physio, then the doc, then finally the gaffer who pretends to push him off but squeezes him anyway. Gianluigi Donnarumma photobombs behind with a perfect grimace. Picture of the season, right there.

Quick one-two between Steve and Glenn Quagmire, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Firm pass from Glenn Quagmire into The Miz, right into the boots. No waste. Smart pass from The Miz into the hole for Gianluigi Donnarumma, not to feet, into the run. That is proper football. Gianluigi Donnarumma beats his marker with a body feint, the defender buys it completely. Gianluigi Donnarumma links up with Glenn Quagmire, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up.

Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed. The rapper reads the movement before anyone else and puts Achraf Hakimi into space. In that position, that is the kind of pass that changes a game. Achraf Hakimi drives down the flank and puts in an inswinging cross, the ball curves away from the defence and reaches IShowSpeed. IShowSpeed powers his header, the ball rockets over the crossbar. It was that close.

Textbook collective defending, everyone tucks in and shuts the angles. Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Glenn Quagmire lets it go and it's wide. Not far from the post but not quite on target. Frustrating. Mbappe sparks the transition with a quick throw to Steve, the break is lightning fast. The player plays it simple to Glenn Quagmire, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

Quick combination between Luigi and Glenn Quagmire, give and go, the defender did not see it coming. The plumber rolls it back along the ground for IShowSpeed. The kind of ball that tears defensive lines apart in the big matches. The rapper lays it off first time to Gianluigi Donnarumma, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Neat one-two between Gianluigi Donnarumma and IShowSpeed, simple, beautiful, and above all effective. Low cut-back from Gianluigi Donnarumma, the ball threads between the defender's legs and reaches IShowSpeed.

The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it. Rapid combination: Gianluigi Donnarumma to IShowSpeed, the ball barely touches the grass between them.

Loss against Rio Malandro FC and it stings. Mbappe still goes over to the travelling fans, hand on heart, mouthing "sorry" through the drizzle. Achraf Hakimi follows. The away end responds with a round of applause that almost makes it worse. These fans deserve better. Simon from Woking says the correct expression is existential despair masked by looking at your phone. Oyster card for Simon! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

2-2 (L)

One laser pass from Wally West and the entire defence is eliminated, Steve is through on goal. The space is enormous. GOOOOAL from Steve! The ball was loose, he sniffed it out and BANG, in off the toe!

Wally West rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Mbappe jumps on his back, Mbappe is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

And there it is, Istanbul Cehennem FK score! The writing was on the wall after that pressure.

The Miz sends in a classic cross, it arrives on Glenn Quagmire in the thick of it. Oh my word the OVERHEAD from Glenn Quagmire! The cross from Luigi arrives, he throws himself into a full rotation and FIRES the ball into the back of the net! GOAL! That is the kind of finish you see ONCE in a lifetime!

The keeper stays focused, knowing something has to give. SHOOOOT from the superhero! On target but saved by the keeper. In that role, those kind of efforts put the defence under serious pressure.

GOAL for Istanbul Cehennem FK! A looping header from their attacker, our keeper was stranded.

The physio works on Mbappe's calf while the boss talks. "Their right-back is bombing forward every time. Mbappe, you get in behind him the second we win it back. Gianluigi Donnarumma, play the ball early." The instructions are sharp, specific. This is a chess match now and the gaffer is moving his pieces. Dietitians have given up on Mbappe, who eats a chip butty with gravy before every home game. At 25 years old, the Northerner insists it's 'proper fuel' and the nutritional data 'doesn't apply up here.' And now, our TV game show Saturday Night Takeaway Kebab! To win a doner kebab the size of your head, text 0800KEBAB and answer: 'At what hour on a Saturday night does a kebab become a medical necessity?' Here come the lads. Glenn Quagmire jogs out at the back of the group, quiet, focused, the game plan clear in {his} head. Time to deliver.

Wally West puts it right into the feet of Steve, one touch and away. Silky stuff. The player beats the defender with a sharp turn. It is rare to see a player in that position with that kind of pure skill. Short pass from the player to Gianluigi Donnarumma, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Gianluigi Donnarumma gets to the byline and drills a low cut-back, Luigi is there to meet it. SAVE from Mbappe! The attacker had a go but the keeper produced a MONUMENTAL hand.

Tidy restart from Mbappe along the deck to Wally West, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Bad pass from the superhero, the weight is completely off. In that position, that kind of mistake can be very costly. Oh what a challenge! Wally West goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. Wally West absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime.

Brilliant tackle from Steve! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending. The player sets off on a solo raid from deep. When a player in that position triggers a run like that, the opposition defence does not know what hit them. Lay-off from Steve to Quicksilver out wide, the ball rolls down the channel like it is on rails.

Mbappe launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on The Miz after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. Short pass from the professional wrestler to Quicksilver, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level.

Corner from Glenn Quagmire, the ball travels across the box but a defender clears at the far post. What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end. The overlap from Luigi, he leaves the opposing full-back for dead. Luigi drills a low ball back across the face of goal, The Miz is free inside the eighteen-yard box. Shot blocked! The Miz couldn't get it past the defender who gets in the way at the last second.

Horizontal possession, never a ball that breaks the lines. Luigi threads a ball into the void for Glenn Quagmire, the timing is spot on, the space is enormous. Glenn Quagmire rolls it back across the turf, The Miz is lurking in the box, ready to pounce. The Miz fires but a defender dives in and blocks the shot! The human wall holds firm.

Foul by the superhero, pulls the opponent back. In that role you learn quickly when a tactical foul is worth it. The superhero fires into the wall from the free kick! In that position, it's a CLASSIC, the wall wins sometimes, but persistence always pays off. IShowSpeed sends in a corner that could've been done with a shovel, straight out the other side.

Level score. IShowSpeed screams at the sky out of frustration — we were leading at half time. Glenn Quagmire boots a stray training ball as far as he can, just to let it out. The ref watches, doesn't love it, lets it go. Everyone understands. Tommo from Newcastle says half eleven and not a minute sooner. The giant kebab is his! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-0 (W)

Blistering solo run from Quicksilver, he covers sixty yards on his own, beating three defenders. The referee points to the penalty spot! Quicksilver has been wrestled to the ground in the box by the defender. CLEAR decision, it is a penalty and this changes EVERYTHING! GOOOOAL! Quicksilver converts the penalty, the keeper goes the wrong way. Ice cold.

Overlap from the superhero with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy. PENALTY! The defender brings Quicksilver down in the box with a CLUMSY tackle! The referee blows immediately. The match could pivot on this very MOMENT! Quicksilver misses the penalty! The ball sails over the crossbar. He's absolutely crushed.

Dangerous delivery from the superhero on the free kick! In that position, knowing where to put the ball in the box is an asset that is worth its weight in gold. Pelé wins his duel in the air and heads it down for Quicksilver. Aerial dominance in the service of the team.

Steve unleashes a raking ball out to The Miz, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. The Miz goes up to the heavens and comes back down with the ball. Aerial duel won, total domination, the opposition can pack their bags.

The superhero floats his free kick into the danger zone. In that position, that quality of delivery from dead balls is an absolute weapon. Pelé springs up and wins the duel in the air against the towering forward. Timing and leap make all the difference. Pelé controls and SHOOTS! On target but the keeper dives and gets a hand to it. Corner.

The gaffer walks in, points at the lads, and simply says: "That is exactly what I asked for. Keep it up." Gianluigi Donnarumma nods, ice pack on the knee, cool as you like. Wally West is already talking about where they are going for dinner. Nando's gets three votes. The chippy gets five. Democracy in action. A lovely bit of trivia here — IShowSpeed once got stuck on the M25 for four and a half hours and claims it was the most formative experience of his career. Taught him patience, composure, and an appreciation for Radio 2. He was only 21 at the time. And now, our TV game show University Challenge Yourself! To win an umbrella that actually works, text 4012 and answer: 'How many consecutive days of rain does it take for a British person to mention the weather?' The second period begins and Wally West launches a crossfield ball within ten seconds. Statement of intent right there. The second half will not be like the first.

With one swing of the boot, Luigi finds IShowSpeed on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. Burst of speed from the rapper down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs. The rapper finds Quicksilver along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Sideways ball from Quicksilver to Luigi, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Give and go from the plumber with Quicksilver, the block is pierced. In his position, that kind of combination is worth its weight in gold.

Magnificent tackle from Wally West! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Wally West spreads it to Glenn Quagmire, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Short pass from the aircraft pilot to The Miz, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Overlap on the left from The Miz, floated cross towards Steve who rises highest at the far post. Steve tries to cross from the wing but the defender heads it away.

IShowSpeed goes to war in the opposition half and comes back with the ball. Pressing is a battle, and IShowSpeed just won it. Step-overs from IShowSpeed, the defender is glued to the spot. That is a joy to watch. The rapper plays it simple to The Miz, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

Achraf Hakimi sees everything, understands everything, and intercepts at the perfect moment. That is the kind of player who makes a team unbeatable. Ball won, three passes, one shot, that's top-drawer transitional football. The aircraft pilot spots the run and threads a beauty in behind the defence for Steve. That is exactly why he is out there. No question about that one, Steve was clearly offside when Glenn Quagmire released the pass.

Enormous clearance from Steve inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it. Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. Clumsy challenge from Quicksilver, stands on the opponent's foot. Unintentional but still a foul. The free kick from Quicksilver is played to the side for IShowSpeed, intelligent stuff. IShowSpeed winds up and FIRES! It's wide but it brushed the upright. Unlucky!

What a result against Milano Piano-Piano! Luigi walks over to the travelling support, puts his hand on his heart, and bows. Wally West follows and throws his boots into the crowd. Some lad in row G is going home with a size 9 souvenir. Scenes. Arthur from Stoke-on-Trent says zero consecutive days because a true Brit mentions it before it even starts. Arthur wins the umbrella! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

2-2 (L)

IShowSpeed puts hellish pressure on the opposition build-up and forces the turnover. That is what high pressing looks like. Transition of the highest order, lightning pace and clinical execution. GOOOOAL! Luigi places his shot into the bottom corner from the cross by Pelé, surgical finish!

IShowSpeed mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Pelé plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Mbappe plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

Change of flanks from Glenn Quagmire, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find IShowSpeed. IShowSpeed clips the ball into the area with a whipped cross, Steve gets across the near post first. Steve scores an OG that NOBODY saw coming! The ball from IShowSpeed bounces off his foot and creeps into the far corner. The keeper is frozen, Steve is frozen, EVERYONE is frozen. HORRIBLE.

Glenn Quagmire climbs onto Steve's shoulders, arms spread, like a living statue in the centre circle. Mbappe circles round them pretending to take photos with an imaginary phone. The Kop chants 'Champions' at full volume.

Gianluigi Donnarumma senses the pass coming and cuts the trajectory. The opponent is dispossessed without even being touched. That is football at its beautiful best. Gianluigi Donnarumma opens up to Steve on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent.

The block is holding firm, absolute reinforced concrete stuff. Steve launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. Key pass from Steve! It fizzes between the lines and IShowSpeed collects on the run, the defence is left for dead. IShowSpeed winds up and FIIIIRES! On target! But the keeper pushes it away for a corner.

Gianluigi Donnarumma gives it to Steve into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Sharp cut inside from Steve, the defender is left rooted to the spot. That is nasty. Dribble attempt aborted for Steve, the defender reads the play and steps in. Wally West intercepts the ball, he was a step ahead of everyone on the pitch. Monster clearance from Wally West! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone.

Mbappe is tapping {his} studs on the floor, nervous energy pouring out of every pore. {he} knows {he} can do better. The gaffer knows it too. He crouches down in front of Mbappe: "Stop hiding behind their centre-half. Get on the ball, take the game by the scruff of the neck. That is why you are in the team." Teammates were gobsmacked when Quicksilver revealed a hidden talent for competitive darts. At 28, the lad can hit triple-twenty blindfolded after three pints — Phil Taylor is shaking in his boots. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 2626 and answer this question: 'How many bus stops are there between disappointment and Scunthorpe?' And they are off! Quicksilver touches the ball first and lays it wide. The tempo is up already. Whatever the gaffer said at halftime, it has done the trick.

Oh no, it's in! Sevilla Olé-Olé punish a terrible defensive error. Heads in hands.

Quicksilver sends an inswinging free kick in, Wally West rises for the header at the far post. Wally West takes off and beats everyone to the header. Nobody can compete with him in the air.

Lovely use of the ball by Glenn Quagmire, finding Luigi in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Luigi puts everything into that strike, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper is unbeatable today. The corner from Luigi is well dealt with by the defence, cleared without any fuss.

Great vision from Luigi who switches to Glenn Quagmire. The defence pivots, but they are too late. The aircraft pilot loses his aerial duel, the opponent beat him in the air. In that position, losing a header can be very costly. Achraf Hakimi boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go. A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all. The Miz slides it to Luigi, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

Glenn Quagmire meets the corner from Quicksilver with a header at the near post, just wide. Mbappe catapults the ball towards Wally West from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. Wally West sniffs out the danger and produces a wonderfully timed challenge. Not a hint of a foul. Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking.

Oh it's gone in! Sevilla Olé-Olé find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

Raw emotion: Mbappe cracks, falls to his knees sobbing on the turf, Steve crouches beside him and speaks softly. Mbappe jogs over, scoops them both into a hug. The cameras zoom on the trio. Full-on humanity on display.

Sharp turn from Glenn Quagmire, the defender is sat down. Someone call an ambulance. Glenn Quagmire grabs a handful of the attacker's shirt and won't let go! The aircraft pilot is booked for a professional foul. Players in that position know exactly when to stop the play. Glenn Quagmire gives it to Pelé from the free kick, little dummy to create the angle.

Points shared with Sevilla Olé-Olé. Mbappe slumps against the corner flag for a few seconds before pulling himself up. Pelé has a chinwag with their number 10 — old pals from the academy days. Football brings people together, even when nobody's really won. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Ethel Dripsworth, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many bus stops are there between disappointment and Scunthorpe?'. The answer was of course none, they're the same stop, the bus just goes round twice for dramatic effect. Ethel wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-2 (L)

Lobbed cross from The Miz, it sails over the entire back four and Achraf Hakimi is there behind. Brilliant. Achraf Hakimi on the cross from Luigi, he tries the bicycle kick! GOAL! It flies into the top CORNER! The technique is of INCREDIBLE difficulty and he executed it to PERFECTION! GENIUS!

The Miz slides onto his belly right in front of a pitchside photographer and gives him a thumbs up. The bloke takes the most cinematic photo of his career. Wally West photobombs from behind. Front pages tomorrow.

IShowSpeed accelerates and burns past his man on the wing, nobody can keep up! IShowSpeed pulls it back to the penalty spot for Gianluigi Donnarumma, the defence is caught napping. Oh Gianluigi Donnarumma... Pelé lays on an absolute peach, the keeper is nowhere, and he puts it wide. Heartbreaking. The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever.

IShowSpeed slips it to Steve on the short corner, the defense stretches to follow. Great overlap from Steve down the flank, pinpoint cross for Wally West in the area. This is the moment. The cross from Wally West is way too long, it ends up in the arms of the goalkeeper.

Team goes on the counter but the final pass is too short, all wasted. Quicksilver spots Pelé peeling off and sends a ball in behind the full-back. The space is massive.

Quicksilver shoots but the defender gets his body in at just the right moment. Shot neutralised, defence breathes again. Achraf Hakimi whips the inswinging corner in but a defender cuts out the cross at the front post. Emergency clearance from Wally West, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive.

The gaffer points at Achraf Hakimi: "You are coming off at sixty minutes. I need someone out there who actually wants to play football, not a passenger." Achraf Hakimi clenches {his} jaw. The room goes cold. Being publicly called out in front of your mates is the worst feeling in football. Now Mbappe has confessed — and this is genuine — that he cried during the final episode of Bake Off last year. Full tears. Soggy bottom and everything. The dressing room hasn't let him forget it, but at 170, nobody says it to his face. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 5577 and answer this question: 'How wide is a standard British sense of awkwardness?' Whistle. Ball. Movement. Mbappe is on it from the very first second, demanding the pass, pointing, shouting. The longest forty-five minutes of the evening start now.

Mbappe throws it out quickly to Achraf Hakimi, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Achraf Hakimi triggers a change of flanks for The Miz, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Phenomenal leap from The Miz who wins the header without any contest whatsoever. The opponent does not exist in the air against him. The Miz hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job!

GOAL! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein find the net! Our keeper had no chance, thunderbolt of a strike.

The pile at the corner flag. Mbappe is at the bottom, you count seventeen shirts, even the physio and the third-choice keeper are in there. Mbappe arrives from the other side at full sprint and dives on top. Two fans scaling the fence.

Lovely cross from the superhero on the free kick! In that position, when you have got that kind of delivery, you become the set piece specialist. Aerial duel won by the player, he crushes it in the air. When you have that leap in that role, you rule your box. Steve plays the simple ball to IShowSpeed, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. The rapper presses high and forces the defender into an error. In that position, the ability to recover the ball that high up changes the entire complexion of a match.

Mbappe plays it short to Luigi, building out from the back. Calculated risk. The plumber reads the pass and intercepts cleanly. When you have that reading ability in that position, you snuff out attacks before they even begin. Long ball from Luigi to Steve, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing.

Achraf Hakimi boots the ball as far as he possibly can with an emergency clearance. Zero style, one hundred percent effectiveness. Short restart from Mbappe to Wally West, building from the back nice and tidy. Wally West switches the play to The Miz on the far side, superb crossfield ball! The Miz lays it off first time to Achraf Hakimi, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely.

Oh dear oh dear! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein score and the dugout is fuming. Rightly so.

Corner from IShowSpeed, it is a whipped delivery but a defender intervenes and clears. The Miz rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Achraf Hakimi. The far side is completely deserted. Aerial duel won by Achraf Hakimi in his own box. He took the lift to the top floor and cleaned up everything. Achraf Hakimi plays it simple to Gianluigi Donnarumma, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Flash wall from Pelé for Gianluigi Donnarumma who had started the run before even passing the ball. Insane anticipation.

Luigi goes straight to the bus without showering. Sits at the back, hood up, headphones in. Achraf Hakimi takes the seat across the aisle but doesn't try to talk. The motorway lights flicker past the window. Sometimes silence is the only honest response. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Geraldine Puddleworth, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How wide is a standard British sense of awkwardness?'. The answer was of course approximately the width of a bus shelter, expanding to cathedral size when someone waves at you and you wave back but they were waving at someone else. Geraldine wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Coming up: 'Gogglebox, but the families are watching Gogglebox watching Gogglebox.' It's telly-ception. Nobody knows what's real anymore. The dog seems fine with it.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

1-0 (W)

Solo charge from IShowSpeed, he sets off from his own box and carries the ball the full length of the field. GOOOOAL solo from IShowSpeed! He beats everyone in his path and sends the ball into the net. SUMPTUOUS!

IShowSpeed gifts Glenn Quagmire a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal. Overlap from the aircraft pilot with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy. The aircraft pilot goes for the tackle and misses the lot. In that position, that kind of mistake can be very costly. RED CARD! Achraf Hakimi tugs the attacker's shirt as the last man. Desperate but necessary — he's off.

Achraf Hakimi is beaten in the air, the opponent came back down with the ball while Achraf Hakimi was barely on his way up. Mbappe sticks out a GIANT'S LEG! The ball ricochets and goes for a corner. The keeper is IMPASSABLE. Driven kick from Mbappe to Gianluigi Donnarumma, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield.

Textbook low block, the opposition can't find a way through at all. Perfectly executed challenge by Achraf Hakimi, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb. Smooth transition from Achraf Hakimi to Glenn Quagmire, no delay, the game keeps flowing. The aircraft pilot plays the one-two with Gianluigi Donnarumma and finds himself through. When you have got that understanding on the pitch, you cause havoc.

Bodies everywhere, nobody cares about fatigue, they just need a goal. Mbappe is up for the corner! The keeper has left his goal, this is the last roll of the dice. Pelé gets his head on it, good timing but wrong direction, it drifts wide. Mbappe smashes a volley towards Glenn Quagmire, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper.

IShowSpeed is telling anyone who will listen about the nutmeg {he} put on their centre-half. "Did you see his face? Mate, he looked like he had seen a ghost!" Glenn Quagmire adds: "The poor lad is probably still turning." The gaffer lets the banter flow. Happy dressing room, happy results. The Miz still drives the same Vauxhall Corsa from when the lad was 17, despite earning enough to buy a fleet. The 46-year-old says the rattling exhaust 'keeps you grounded, innit.' And now, our TV game show Who Dares Bins! To win a wheelie bin with your name stencilled on it, text 0800BIN and answer: 'What happens if you put your bins out on the wrong day?' And we are back underway! Pelé jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

Win the ball, punch forward, the transition is electric! WIIIIIDE! Quicksilver put plenty on it but the ball slides just past the frame of the goal. We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition.

The block resists valiantly, not a single chance conceded. Mbappe blocks with his entire body! The attacker is smothered, the ball is dead, what a save! Long kick from Mbappe, IShowSpeed positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. IShowSpeed launches it to Gianluigi Donnarumma on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective.

Little shift from Luigi to Glenn Quagmire, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Perfect cut-back from Glenn Quagmire, IShowSpeed receives it on the deck in acres of space. Dream scenario. The rapper shoots but it's blocked by the defender. In that position, right to have a go but the defender read it well. Lifesaving clearance from Achraf Hakimi! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters. Header lost by Wally West, the opponent was just too strong.

The corner from the professional wrestler is cleared with ease. In that position, when the defence keeps heading it away, it is time to change the game plan on corners. Three on one and they find a way to mess it all up, unbelievable. Burst of speed from the superhero down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs. Pull-back from Quicksilver along the ground, Achraf Hakimi is in position in the area. Clean as you like. Achraf Hakimi controls and shoots but the defender cuts across the flight of the ball. Deflected into touch.

Sombrero from the aircraft pilot on his marker. When you have got that skill repertoire in that role, you entertain the crowd every single match. Glenn Quagmire accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides. Glenn Quagmire sends a cross over the pack, nobody can reach it. Chance gone begging.

It's over and we've won it! Achraf Hakimi grabs the corner flag and plants it at the centre spot like he's claiming new territory. Wally West pretends to salute. The fans are in absolute stitches. The manager pretends to be annoyed but you can see him smirking. Top, top scenes. Sandra from Rotherham says neighbourhood exile and possible prosecution. The personalised wheelie bin is hers! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.