My dream soccer team — football_team 🇦🇺

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-1 (L)

Inch-perfect tackle by Shaquille O'Neal, he's taken the ball cleanly and snuffed out the attack. Brilliant defending. Blistering transition, defence caught cold and carved wide open. Erling Haaland unleashes a HOWITZER on the cross from Napoleon! The ball rips the net, GOOOAL!

Crossfield pass from Cafu to Napoleon, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. Cross from Napoleon off the left, the ball travels across the entire six-yard box and finds Chris Paul at the far side. Chris Paul sends his cross sailing over everyone, Eddie Hall cannot even get close to it. Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative.

Little shift from Roberto Carlos to Napoleon, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Napoleon takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race. The military leader pulls the attacker's shirt, referee blows without hesitation. Napoleon sees yellow for chopping down the man on the break. Streetwise but cynical.

Short distribution from Victor Wembanyama to Eddie Hall, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. Eddie Hall shifts it to Cafu with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Cafu unleashes a raking ball out to Roberto Carlos, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Roberto Carlos powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated. Perfect cut-back from Roberto Carlos, Shaquille O'Neal receives it on the deck in acres of space. Dream scenario.

The messiah plays the free kick short instead of shooting. In that position, that kind of reading of the game at set pieces is pure football IQ. Roberto Carlos goes for it and fires! Wide, just to the left of goal. Not far off at all. Pass, pass, pass, back to the keeper... same old script. BY A WHISKER! Chris Paul fires and the ball shaves the right post before spinning out. The goal was right there.

Studious atmosphere in the dressing room. The coach has his tablet out, replaying clips: "Look, Cafu, there is acres of space on the overlap and you go back inside every time. Use the width." Cafu takes the note. The game is there for the taking if they can just find the key. Now Victor Wembanyama has a rather endearing habit — he names all his boots. Current pair are called Keith and Denise. He says Keith has better curl on him but Denise is more reliable in the wet. He's 224 and clinically unhinged. And now, our TV game show The Great British Guess Off! To win a tin of Quality Street with all the good ones already taken, text 0800CHOC and answer: 'Which Quality Street does nobody ever pick first?' The gaffer gives Shaquille O'Neal one last word on the touchline before the restart. A pat on the back, a nod, and Shaquille O'Neal runs out onto the pitch with renewed purpose.

They've scored! Paris Saint-Glinglin find the back of the net. Absolute disaster at the back.

Solidarity move: Victor Wembanyama grabs Chris Paul who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Chris Paul a standing ovation right through to the restart.

Huge interception from Shaquille O'Neal! He cuts out the pass and drives forward. The kind of action that never shows up in the stats but changes the whole match. Breakaway at full throttle, the centre-backs are hopelessly out of position. Napoleon puts Roberto Carlos into orbit with a laser-guided through ball. The kind of pass that lifts an entire stadium to its feet. Roberto Carlos thought he'd timed it perfectly, but the linesman disagrees. Offside on Jesus Christ's pass.

Cafu reads the game like nobody else, he cuts out the cross-field pass and launches a counter immediately. Cafu swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Jesus Christ, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Jesus Christ with an absolutely perfect sliding tackle, takes the ball right off the attacker's toes. Nothing given, play on! Jesus Christ looks up and launches a long pass towards Eddie Hall. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Pass into space from Eddie Hall for Napoleon, played ahead of the pack. Anticipation makes the difference.

Napoleon lobs the defence with a silky chipped cross, Jesus Christ brings it down on his chest. Magnificent. Volleyed effort from Jesus Christ! The left foot swings and... it goes wide. The technique was worth the admission alone. The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever.

Roulette from Usain Bolt in a tight space, he escapes an impossible situation with pure elegance. Usain Bolt charges past his man, the defence is stretched on the flank. Dangerous. Inch-perfect cross from Usain Bolt, the ball clips just over the keeper's hands and finds Dwayne Johnson at the back post.

Dwayne Johnson reads that pass like an open book, surgical interception. Great vision from Dwayne Johnson who switches to Shaquille O'Neal. The defence pivots, but they are too late. Good cross from the film producer for Dwayne Johnson in the area. The bare minimum for a wide player, but done with surgical quality. Dwayne Johnson outjumps everyone for this header but it does not find the target. Wide.

Draw. Victor Wembanyama takes the time to shake every Paris Saint-Glinglin player's hand, one by one — old habit, old manners. Roberto Carlos follows suit. The screens show the stats: possession 50, shots on target 4 each. Perfect mirror. Neither side deserved more. Margaret from Didcot says it's the toffee penny and she will die on that hill. She wins the tin of leftovers! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

3-2 (W)

Jesus Christ plays the free kick as a cross, Usain Bolt finds himself one-on-one after the knockdown. GOOOOOAL! Usain Bolt dominates his marker and powers the ball into the net with his head. The cross from Chris Paul was worth its weight in gold!

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment Jesus Christ strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. Dwayne Johnson points at it, jaw on the floor. Victor Wembanyama shakes his head, not believing it.

Nutmeg from the military leader on the defender. Close-quarters dribbling is the trademark of the very best in that role. Napoleon dribbles into the box, the defender catches him and sends him sprawling. The referee blows IMMEDIATELY: penalty! The heart of the stadium is beating at a THOUSAND miles an hour! The military leader converts with class! In that position, not flinching on a penalty is what separates the good players from the DECISIVE ones. GOAL!

'I told you so' mode. Napoleon eyeballs the México No-Era-Penal bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Dwayne Johnson pulls Napoleon away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

What a mess! México No-Era-Penal capitalise on that blunder. We are our own worst enemy.

Driven kick from Victor Wembanyama to Roberto Carlos, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Roberto Carlos slides into the passing lane and nicks the ball. The opposition does not know what just happened. Roberto Carlos changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Shaquille O'Neal. The defence is caught completely flat-footed.

Counter from their own goal, and all that just to butcher the cross. Ball over the top from Chris Paul, Jesus Christ had timed the run half a second early and the timing is perfection. Awful pass from Jesus Christ, the ball goes out of play. That had disaster written all over it from the start.

Someone has brought a bag of Haribo into the dressing room and it is absolute carnage. Dwayne Johnson is hoarding the fried eggs. Jesus Christ is fighting over the last cola bottle. The gaffer watches the chaos with the resigned smile of a man who has seen it all. "You lot are like a bunch of kids. Right, listen up, here is the plan for the second half." A plumber was called to Cafu's house after the 56-year-old attempted to fix a leaky tap and somehow flooded the entire kitchen. The bill came to more than the original tap was worth — by roughly four grand. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 3737 and answer this question: 'What is the pH level of a Greggs steak bake?' The second period begins and Shaquille O'Neal launches a crossfield ball within ten seconds. Statement of intent right there. The second half will not be like the first.

Long ball from Victor Wembanyama for Chris Paul who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy. Lay-off from Chris Paul to Usain Bolt, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Flat atmosphere, flat game, everyone looks half asleep.

The basketball player finds Chris Paul with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Chris Paul explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening. Chris Paul lobs the back line with a sublime cross, Shaquille O'Neal collects behind the defence. That is the match-winning ball.

Jesus Christ has a go and it's on target but the keeper is equal to it. Good save. Everything hangs in the balance, VAR replaying it in slow motion. The stadium is petrified. The messiah wins the penalty after VAR review! In that role, you don't often get justice like this. Chris Paul takes the penalty but it's saved! The goalkeeper has produced a FABULOUS stop. Tidy restart from Victor Wembanyama along the deck to Shaquille O'Neal, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung.

Victor Wembanyama catapults the ball towards Chris Paul from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. Short build-up from Chris Paul to Usain Bolt, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Sideways ball from Usain Bolt to Chris Paul, switching the point of attack, stretching the block.

It's there! México No-Era-Penal tap it in from close range. Where was the marking?

Shaquille O'Neal throws himself into the passing lane and comes away with the ball. Phenomenal reading of the game. Shaquille O'Neal plays the simple ball to Napoleon, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Napoleon does not let up and steals the ball right from the defender's feet. Good ball from Napoleon to Shaquille O'Neal, playing it quick between the lines.

Cafu puts in a crunching challenge, all ball, no foul. The attacker's left with absolutely nothing. Smooth transition from Cafu to Shaquille O'Neal, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Overlap from Shaquille O'Neal on the left, he bombs towards the byline at full tilt. Quick exchange between Shaquille O'Neal and Chris Paul, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows.

GET IN THERE! Napoleon slides on his knees across the wet turf, Erling Haaland piles on top, and suddenly half the squad is in a heap. The physio's already panicking about someone's hamstring. México No-Era-Penal can only watch. That's what it means to this lot. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Colin Flannel-Trousers, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the pH level of a Greggs steak bake?'. The answer was of course off the scale entirely, scientists refuse to measure it on moral grounds. Colin wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Coming up after the break: 'Escape to the Country, but the budget is £47 and the country is a layby near Swindon.' Dreams are free. Houses are not.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

2-1 (W)

Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal. Usain Bolt strings together a series of dribbles and covers fifty yards on his own. The crowd is on its feet. Usain Bolt onto the pass from Jesus Christ, he spots the keeper off his line and lobs him! GOAL! A finish of outrageous ELEGANCE, the ball clears the gloves and drops in!

Usain Bolt rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Shaquille O'Neal jumps on his back, Victor Wembanyama is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

Interception from Dwayne Johnson who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of Dwayne Johnson. Broken at speed, the lads have bombed forward like their lives depend on it. Erling Haaland winds up the right foot and sends a ROCKET top bins! GOAL, that is the strike of the match!

What a disaster! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

The pile at the corner flag. Victor Wembanyama is at the bottom, you count seventeen shirts, even the physio and the third-choice keeper are in there. Victor Wembanyama arrives from the other side at full sprint and dives on top. Two fans scaling the fence.

Superb defensive work from Cafu there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! Blistering solo run from Cafu, he covers sixty yards on his own, beating three defenders.

Erling Haaland picks out Usain Bolt with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Usain Bolt reads the movement from Shaquille O'Neal and puts the ball right into the pocket of space. Game intelligence off the charts. Acceleration from Shaquille O'Neal down the side, he takes the space behind the full-back. It is a motorway. The film producer grabs the attacker by the shoulder, blatant foul.

Napoleon is FaceTiming {his} mum to tell her about the goal. The gaffer walks past: "Tell her she raised a good one." The dressing room cracks up. Jesus Christ leans in and waves at the camera. It is all smiles and good vibes in here. The kind of halftime where you do not want to change a thing. A delightful detail about Erling Haaland — he's been knitting scarves since lockdown and hasn't stopped. The entire squad has one. They're absolutely terrible, full of holes, but nobody has the heart to tell him. The lad is 26 and fully committed to the craft. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Bedtime! To win a Premier Inn king-size pillow, text 3345 and answer: 'What time does a British person start complaining about the weather each morning?' The referee blows the whistle and the second half kicks off. Usain Bolt takes the ball immediately and drives forward. No messing about.

Usain Bolt pulls out a backheel nutmeg in open play, the ball goes through the defender's legs with the heel. Failed dribble from Usain Bolt, the ball stays at the defender's feet. Poor decision. Shaquille O'Neal leans into the opponent and sends him off balance. Free kick. Shaquille O'Neal sends an inswinging free kick in, Chris Paul rises for the header at the far post.

Victor Wembanyama smashes a volley towards Usain Bolt, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Usain Bolt with the last-ditch tackle, gets every bit of the ball and none of the man. The ref's happy, we're happy. Ripping counter-attack, the through ball has sliced the back four open. Erling Haaland turns the game on its head with one razor-sharp pass for Napoleon. The defence did not even have time to blink. Crucial intervention from the military leader, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on.

Victor Wembanyama rolls it short to Cafu into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. With one swing of the boot, Cafu finds Roberto Carlos on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. Roberto Carlos slips Usain Bolt in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Step-overs from Usain Bolt, the defender is glued to the spot. That is a joy to watch.

Victor Wembanyama launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Cafu after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. What a block! Cafu slides in with impeccable timing and takes the ball away. That's defending at its finest. Cafu puts it right into the feet of Chris Paul, one touch and away. Silky stuff.

The basketball player goes long for Usain Bolt, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Usain Bolt plays it simple to Erling Haaland, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Feint from Erling Haaland, he shifts his body right and goes left. The defender is bamboozled.

Roberto Carlos fires the ball over to Napoleon with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book. Napoleon fires a powerful cross into the danger zone, Dwayne Johnson throws himself at it. It is heating up in the box. Cross blocked from the film producer by the defence. The defender anticipated it, that is the eternal battle between the flank and the back line. Clearance from Chris Paul under pressure, the ball flies into touch on the far side. It is not in the coaching manual but it works. Hollow dominance, not a single dangerous move on show.

Final whistle! Shaquille O'Neal bear-hugs the gaffer so hard he nearly lifts him off the ground. Napoleon is doing keep-ups in the centre circle for the fans. The dressing room's going to be a war zone of champagne and bad singing tonight. Casablanca Dima-Maghrib won't want to watch the highlights. Graham from Harrogate says half six and honestly we all agree. He's off to Premier Inn with his brand new pillow. Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

1-1 (L)

GOAL! Dakar Teranga FC have made it count! The defence was caught ball-watching, criminal stuff.

High recovery from Erling Haaland who puts hellish pressure on the opposition midfielder. Possession changes in the blink of an eye. Turnover and they're off to the races, a proper counter-punch. GOAL for Napoleon! The keeper parries it in front of him, the ball is loose, he just has to push it in. EASY GOAL but well placed!

Erling Haaland does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Chris Paul launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Victor Wembanyama arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

Perfectly executed challenge by Roberto Carlos, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb. They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. SHOOOOT from Usain Bolt... just wide! Shaves the post, so close to going in. The ball pings around but the defenders are barely breaking sweat.

Instinctive clearance from Roberto Carlos who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day. Sideways, backwards, sideways again, the crowd is getting restless. The cross from the military leader ends up in the keeper's gloves. It happens to the best, but it is frustrating in that position.

That is a tackle of the highest order from Roberto Carlos. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic. Roberto Carlos finds the gap and serves Usain Bolt in behind the last man. That is three-cushion snooker, that is. Offside! Usain Bolt was barely ahead of the last man, Shaquille O'Neal's ball was inch-perfect too!

The gaffer pulls up Dakar Teranga FC's shape on the screen: "See how high their line is? One ball over the top and we are in. Cafu, you have the pace. Dwayne Johnson, you have the vision. Put it together and we are laughing." It sounds simple. Football always sounds simple at halftime. Doing it is the hard part. A gorgeous bit of intel — Jesus Christ once entered a pub quiz in Wolverhampton under the team name 'Definitely Not A Footballer.' Won the whole thing. Prize was a meat raffle and a crate of Carling. At 2019, that's what peak performance looks like. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 0707 and answer this question: 'What did the last bus to Grimsby apologise for?' Second half underway and Jesus Christ is straight into it, pressing high from the first whistle. No easing into this one. Straight for the jugular.

They're away in transition, pace to burn, it's like watching a freight train. The messiah has a pop, it's wide but grazes the post. In that position, having the bravery to shoot is good, just needs a fraction more accuracy. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare.

Huge tackle from Shaquille O'Neal! Went through the back door and nicked the ball before the striker could get his shot away. Shaquille O'Neal to Dwayne Johnson, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Dwayne Johnson launches it to Roberto Carlos on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective.

Jesus Christ feeds Usain Bolt in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Usain Bolt sets it for Chris Paul, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Chris Paul shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for Erling Haaland. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces. Erling Haaland accelerates and burns past his man on the wing, nobody can keep up!

Monster clearance from Victor Wembanyama, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Jesus Christ. Gorgeous crossfield ball from Jesus Christ to Roberto Carlos, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow. Roberto Carlos accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides.

Disciplined defense, each player closes down his side. Ball plucked out of the air by Victor Wembanyama, total composure. Short restart from the basketball player to Shaquille O'Neal, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Shaquille O'Neal drops a lofted ball to Roberto Carlos, it sails over the entire midfield line.

Points shared. Shaquille O'Neal sits on the grass for a full minute, staring up at the floodlights. Napoleon crouches beside him: "Come on mate, let's get inside. Tuesday's another game." Long season. Draws happen. Nobody's thrilled, nobody's devastated. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Clive Fogsworth, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What did the last bus to Grimsby apologise for?'. The answer was of course existing, which frankly we all understood. Clive wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

2-2 (L)

High recovery from Usain Bolt, he forced the error by hounding the carrier relentlessly. The kind of effort that the stats do not show but that wins football matches. Usain Bolt feints right, goes left, the defender is completely wrong-footed. Curled effort from Usain Bolt on the pass from Jesus Christ, the ball nestles in the corner, the keeper is beaten.

Raw emotion: Usain Bolt cracks, falls to his knees sobbing on the turf, Dwayne Johnson crouches beside him and speaks softly. Victor Wembanyama jogs over, scoops them both into a hug. The cameras zoom on the trio. Full-on humanity on display.

Free kick crossed in by the messiah into the box! In that position, putting deliveries like that into the area is what creates danger at every set piece. OWN GOAL! Erling Haaland deflects the shot from Napoleon in the most IMPROBABLE way! The ball arcs through the air and nestles in the top corner of his own goal. This is CRUEL, this is UNFAIR, this is FOOTBALL.

Jesus Christ runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Chris Paul joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

Long ball from Shaquille O'Neal to Napoleon, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. It is not happening for Napoleon, the pass to Cafu is weak, half-hearted, and the opponent pounces. Enormous clearance from Eddie Hall inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it. Erling Haaland opens up to Eddie Hall on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent.

The basketball player throws it out to Napoleon, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Superb tackle from the military leader, cleans up the danger without breaking a sweat. When you've got a player like that in the role, you sleep easy at night. Firm pass from Napoleon into Shaquille O'Neal, right into the boots. No waste.

Chris Paul pings a long diagonal to Napoleon, completely shifts the point of attack. Dominant header from Napoleon on the corner, he outmuscles his marker and wins the aerial duel. The ground shakes. Big clearance from Napoleon under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line. Eddie Hall rises above his marker and wins the header! He got up higher than everyone. Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end.

"I have seen enough sideways passing to last me a lifetime," the gaffer mutters, rubbing his temples. "We need to go forward. Direct. Purposeful. Shaquille O'Neal, stop dropping deep. Dwayne Johnson, stop playing safe. I would rather we lose trying to win than draw playing like cowards." The words sting, but they are fair. The entire squad confirmed that Erling Haaland has a secret Love Island group chat where the 26-year-old live-reacts to every recoupling. At 194, watching the big man cry over Casa Amor is apparently hilarious. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 9922 and answer this question: 'Which household appliance became mayor of Stoke-on-Trent in 2003?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Napoleon is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Nightmare! Douala Makossa-Corner score! That goal was coming, we've been under the cosh.

Victor Wembanyama weaves through Douala Makossa-Corner's defenders to reach his own fans, waving his arms to whip up the stand. Every step is chanted. Eddie Hall screams 'COME OOOON!' next to him. World Cup final vibes in a league match.

The stadium erupts but WAIT! Cafu is flagged offside from Eddie Hall's ball. Goal chalked off! Video review underway, players catching their breath, supporters on the edge of their seats. Incredible tension. VAR rules it out! Jesus Christ's goal is chalked off! Absolute heartbreak! Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper.

Victor Wembanyama plays it short to Jesus Christ, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Rapid combination: Jesus Christ to Erling Haaland, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Looks like a training session, soft and completely predictable. Oh no Jesus Christ! Sends it into row Z, that is miles and miles away from the target.

Disaster! Douala Makossa-Corner score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

Victor Wembanyama goes long for Chris Paul, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Chris Paul spreads it to Usain Bolt, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Usain Bolt powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go. Chipped cross from Usain Bolt over the block, Cafu peels off and finds himself one on one with the keeper. HEADER from Cafu! His forehead connects but it flies over the crossbar. Unlucky.

Brilliant interception from Dwayne Johnson, he read the passer's intention before the ball even left his foot. Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. SO CLOSE! Chris Paul sends a rocket that kisses the post on its way out. A fraction more and that's in.

Quick throw from Victor Wembanyama to Cafu out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. Masterful reading from Cafu who cuts out the through ball. The timing is perfect, the anticipation is frightening. Quick transition, three touches and they're through on goal, but the finish lets them down.

1-1 and off we go. Erling Haaland hands his shirt to a kid in the front row, the smile comes back a little. Napoleon does the same few metres down the line. Not a win, but not a shame either. And the kids couldn't care less — they got a shirt. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Pauline Drizzle-Hatch, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which household appliance became mayor of Stoke-on-Trent in 2003?'. The answer was of course a Morphy Richards toaster, which won by a landslide and to this day holds the highest approval rating of any mayor in the city's history. Pauline wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

1-1 (L)

Good delivery from Napoleon off the left flank, Eddie Hall positions himself between the two centre-halves. Eddie Hall has just scored the goal of his life... in the WRONG net! Nooooo! The cross from Napoleon arrives, he tries to intercept but he diverts the ball into his own goal. The ULTIMATE defender's nightmare.

Classy interception from Roberto Carlos, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time. Roberto Carlos sees the gap and puts the ball right through it. Napoleon is racing into the channel, the defence is watching the train leave the station. Napoleon puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins. Napoleon delivers from the byline, Erling Haaland is on the penalty spot, ready to finish. Victor Wembanyama gathers the cross with both hands above the scrum. The keeper is the supreme authority in his box.

Eddie Hall links up with Napoleon, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Quick one-two between Napoleon and Shaquille O'Neal, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Shaquille O'Neal nutmegs the defender, the opponent is left on the floor. Filthy. Ball loss from the film producer on a dribble. In that role, taking risks is fine, but the timing has to be spot on.

Rapid break, the defenders are still trying to find their marks. Usain Bolt fires a low ball back across the box for Eddie Hall, the defence is caught wrong-footed. BLOCKED from Eddie Hall! The defender threw his body at it and the ball ricocheted away. Cross from Napoleon deflected behind for a corner, the defender read the play perfectly. Victor Wembanyama finds Dwayne Johnson with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money.

Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. Erling Haaland sees what nobody else sees and puts Roberto Carlos through on goal with a genius through ball. The flag goes up for Roberto Carlos, offside by a toenail! Chris Paul can't believe it. Players standing around with hands on hips, waiting for VAR. This is agony.

Chris Paul is tapping {his} studs on the floor, nervous energy pouring out of every pore. {he} knows {he} can do better. The gaffer knows it too. He crouches down in front of Chris Paul: "Stop hiding behind their centre-half. Get on the ball, take the game by the scruff of the neck. That is why you are in the team." Inside info here — Jesus Christ insists on sitting in the same seat on the team bus, second row, window side. If anyone takes it, he stands in the aisle and stares at them until they move. At 2019, he's earned that level of passive aggression. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 7788 and answer this question: 'In what century was the chippy tea declared a human right?' The whistle goes and twenty-two players get back to it. Usain Bolt claps {his} hands three times, {his} little pre-half ritual. Here we go.

Short restart from Victor Wembanyama to Chris Paul, building from the back nice and tidy. Poor decision from Chris Paul on that pass, it is completely telegraphed and the opposition reads it. Absolutely immense from Napoleon! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back. Raking ball from the military leader to Shaquille O'Neal, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. The film producer whips in a classic cross for Chris Paul in the box. When you have got that delivery from the flank, you cause havoc.

And there it is, Lagos No-Carry-Last score! The writing was on the wall after that pressure.

Victor Wembanyama climbs onto Eddie Hall's shoulders, arms spread, like a living statue in the centre circle. Victor Wembanyama circles round them pretending to take photos with an imaginary phone. The Kop chants 'Champions' at full volume.

Victor Wembanyama throws it out quickly to Cafu, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Cafu finds Jesus Christ between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Lightning overlap from Jesus Christ, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides. Lobbed cross from the messiah over the centre-halves for Dwayne Johnson. When you have got that quality of delivery, you cause absolute carnage.

Jesus Christ eliminates his opponent with a short piece of skill, absolutely surgical. Jesus Christ clips the attacker's shoulder and holds on, free kick given. Jesus Christ is booked after dragging back the opponent by the collar. Blatant but effective. Free kick played short by the messiah! In that position, having the game intelligence to mix up your free kicks is what makes a team unpredictable.

Jesus Christ plays it in, Eddie Hall lays it back into the run with a cushioned touch, and Jesus Christ is off again. Magnificent. Jesus Christ finds Cafu with a cut-back along the turf, the ball glides across the surface like it is on rails. SAVE from Victor Wembanyama! The attacker had a go but the keeper produced a MONUMENTAL hand. Victor Wembanyama sends an absolute rocket towards Roberto Carlos, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch. Roberto Carlos tries to find Eddie Hall but it is nowhere near him. Sloppy stuff.

Brilliant switch of play from Roberto Carlos! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ is dominated in the aerial duel, the attacker is simply stronger in the air on that occasion. Massive clearance from Roberto Carlos in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions. The strongman plays it simple to Dwayne Johnson, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

Draw. Chris Paul sighs into the mixed-zone microphone: "A point's better than nothing, but we wanted more." Erling Haaland waits his turn, water bottle in hand. Answers are short tonight. Everyone just wants to move on. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Beryl Curtain-Twitch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'In what century was the chippy tea declared a human right?'. The answer was of course the 21st, specifically in 2004, following a landmark case in Barnsley Crown Court. Beryl wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

1-1 (L)

Combination between the basketball player and Erling Haaland on the short corner. In that role, these variations at set pieces disrupt every defense. Erling Haaland slides the ball across the ground in the box, Usain Bolt arrives for the finish. GOOOAL! Usain Bolt sneaks in front of the keeper and diverts the ball with the tip of his boot. No keeper can do better!

Chris Paul mimes a baseball home run, watches the imaginary ball disappear into imaginary clouds, then jogs round the bases. Erling Haaland plays the opposing manager crying on the sideline. Victor Wembanyama applauds from the centre circle. The home end losing it.

Sublime through ball from Roberto Carlos for Napoleon who ghosts between the two centre-backs. The line is broken. Flag raised against the military leader. Usain Bolt's ball was good but the timing was off. The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. Eddie Hall gives it to Erling Haaland into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision.

It's a goal! Barranquilla Toque-Toque go ahead! The ball was drilled low and hard into the corner.

Victor Wembanyama climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Dwayne Johnson films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

The press from Eddie Hall pays off immediately, the defender makes a mess of it and Eddie Hall pounces. A forced gift. The strongman finds Shaquille O'Neal along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. The film producer overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon. Cross from Shaquille O'Neal far too long, the ball flies through the entire box without finding anyone.

One touch football: Roberto Carlos to Usain Bolt, faster than the opposition can think. Usain Bolt takes on his man with a sharp turn, one touch and it is done. Clean. Usain Bolt tries one dribble too many and gets the ball pinched by the defender. Clinical interception from Chris Paul, he cuts out the pass between the opposition lines and breaks forward on the counter. The crowd loves it, and rightly so. Emergency clearance from the basketball player, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play.

Napoleon stands up without being asked: "We need to show some bottle, lads. This is not a friendly against Barranquilla Toque-Toque. Where is the fight? Where is the desire?" The gaffer nods slowly. Chris Paul cracks {his} knuckles. The message lands. Sometimes the players need to hear it from one of their own. Victor Wembanyama claims to hold the unofficial world record for eating 47 Jaffa Cakes in under six minutes. At 22 years old, the achievement remains unrecognised by Guinness but celebrated in the dressing room. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Leave the Roundabout! To win a sat nav that actually understands the Swindon magic roundabout, text 5789 and answer: 'How many times must you go around a roundabout before you are legally allowed to give up and go home?' The gaffer gives Chris Paul one last word on the touchline before the restart. A pat on the back, a nod, and Chris Paul runs out onto the pitch with renewed purpose.

Erling Haaland slides it to Dwayne Johnson, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Dwayne Johnson has a crack and BAAANG! Wide but the ball kissed the post on the way out. Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. Napoleon spots Shaquille O'Neal in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness.

Heroic defending, every ball is swept up with proper concentration. What a recovery from the film producer! Sprints like a madman to get back and cover. When you've got a player like that, you know the team will never quit. Oh what a challenge! Dwayne Johnson goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer.

Usain Bolt sends a delightful lobbed cross, the ball clears the defence and drops for Eddie Hall. Volley attempted by Eddie Hall, absolutely spectacular but it flies over the bar! We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back.

The corner from Chris Paul finds Usain Bolt who heads it, goes over the bar. Missed chance. Panicked clearance from Roberto Carlos, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done. Aerial duel lost by the strongman, outmuscled by the attacker. It happens to the best, but in that role you need to bounce back fast. Massive clearance from Jesus Christ, just get the ball as far away as possible.

Eddie Hall embarks on a breathtaking run, stringing together dribbles and bursts of pace. Ball into space from the strongman for Erling Haaland, the channel is wide open. When you have got that kind of vision, you cause damage. Offside trap catches Erling Haaland out. Chris Paul played it quickly but not quickly enough.

Cafu lays it off first time to Erling Haaland, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Erling Haaland launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Shaquille O'Neal, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully. Pinpoint delivery from the film producer towards Dwayne Johnson, the ball lands on a sixpence. In that position, crosses are half the job.

Draw against Barranquilla Toque-Toque. Chris Paul kisses the club badge as he passes the home end — a gesture for the fans, regardless. Napoleon does the same. The squad stays tight, the season rolls on. Nights like this, you close ranks. Norman from Swindon says three full rotations is the legal maximum and after that you must simply accept your fate. Sat nav for Norman! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-0 (W)

Beautifully worked short corner from the military leader to Erling Haaland. In that role, the ability to vary your delivery makes you a complete player. Erling Haaland reaches the byline and pulls it back for Jesus Christ, the low ball fizzes through the area. BOOOM the messiah prods it in at point-blank range! In that position, you live for those balls from 2 yards out, and he buries them. GOAL!

The military leader goes for the short corner to Jesus Christ, great vision. In that position, having the awareness to build rather than force it makes you stand out. Jesus Christ delivers a tidy ball to Dwayne Johnson, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. The film producer gives it straight to the opposition. That sort of waste is not forgiven at his level. Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart.

Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. The intensity has gone up several notches, this is magnificent. Overlap and cross from Usain Bolt, the ball drops at the feet of Roberto Carlos in the heart of the box.

Concrete low block, even set pieces aren't getting through. The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. The strongman winds up and fires, wide but close. In that position, keep pulling the trigger, the goal is coming. Clearance from the basketball player towards Jesus Christ, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Good ball from the messiah to Roberto Carlos, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does.

Shaquille O'Neal pings a ridiculous diagonal to Cafu. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Header won by Cafu, he makes it look effortless in the air. He is an aerial brick wall. Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking. CRAAACKER from Usain Bolt outside the box! On target, heading for the net but the keeper pushes wide!

"We are cruising, lads, but we keep the foot on the gas, understood?" The gaffer is calm but firm. Victor Wembanyama responds with a thumbs up, mouth full of banana. Roberto Carlos is retying {his} boots for the third time, a habit that drives the kit man mad. The mood is confident without being cocky. Just right. A lovely aside — Eddie Hall spent a rainy bank holiday assembling flat-pack furniture and documented the entire thing on Instagram Stories. It took nine hours, two breakdowns, and a trip to B&Q. At 190, he couldn't even fit the Allen key in his hand properly. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 1812 and answer this question: 'How many Milton Keynes roundabouts can fit inside a regret?' The dressing rooms empty and the pitch fills up again. Victor Wembanyama does a few quick stretches on the touchline before jogging into position. Ready for war.

Long kick from Victor Wembanyama, Eddie Hall positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. The strongman shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Roberto Carlos. Pure quality, as per usual. Roberto Carlos rises like an eagle and wins the header. The ball is cleared far, the danger is over.

Ferocious pressing, three players closing down the ball carrier. The opponent is bundled over by Eddie Hall. Not much in it, but the whistle goes. The strongman fires into the wall from the free kick! In that position, it's a CLASSIC, the wall wins sometimes, but persistence always pays off. Oh my word, the scramble from Eddie Hall's corner! Three attempts blocked, the defense survives by the skin of their teeth!

Killer ball from Eddie Hall through the gap! Cafu bursts in, the centre-backs are split wide open. This is top-drawer stuff. Roberto Carlos slides it through for Cafu, but the offside flag kills the move dead. Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality. Erling Haaland keeps it short to Usain Bolt, no frills, just good football intelligence.

The basketball player finds Roberto Carlos with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Roberto Carlos makes a mess of a simple pass to Usain Bolt, the ball bobbles and ends up with the opposition. Crunching tackle by Erling Haaland on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it. Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. Eddie Hall picks it up in his own half and charges forward on his own, he beats two on the way!

Clearance from the basketball player towards Cafu, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Aerial duel won by Cafu in his own box. He took the lift to the top floor and cleaned up everything.

Victory! Victor Wembanyama and Dwayne Johnson lead the squad in a huddle, bouncing and chanting something the microphones can't quite pick up. Probably for the best. Montevideo Garra-Charrúa have left the pitch but we're not done yet. The stadium DJ puts on a banger and nobody wants to go home. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Shirley Bungalow-Throttle, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many Milton Keynes roundabouts can fit inside a regret?'. The answer was of course all 130 of them, with room left over for a small retail park. Shirley wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

2-3 (L)

Brilliant tackle from Dwayne Johnson! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending. Ball stolen and released forward, it's an absolute rocket of a counter. GOAL! What a LOB from Eddie Hall! On the pass from Jesus Christ, he spots the keeper off his line and chips it with the TOP of his foot. The ball drops just on the line and goes in. CLASSY!

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Dwayne Johnson is at the centre, lifted up by Cafu and Victor Wembanyama, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. Buenos Aires Pecho Frío's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

Napoleon charges into the press like a man possessed and rips the ball away from the midfielder. The intensity is frightening. What a ball from Napoleon! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and Cafu is away on his own. That is velvet. Cafu does not do subtle, he sends a SCREAMER that ends up top corner. GOAL!

Napoleon places the ball on the centre spot, stands on top of it, arms in a V like a pharaoh on his throne. Victor Wembanyama falls to his knees bowing. Victor Wembanyama does a slow sarcastic clap. The home end loves this magnificent arrogance.

Victor Wembanyama plays it along the ground to Shaquille O'Neal, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. Lovely use of the ball by Shaquille O'Neal, finding Napoleon in a tight pocket of space. Quality. The military leader roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head. The military leader chips a lob over the defence for Jesus Christ. That kind of vision is rare in that position.

GOAL for Buenos Aires Pecho Frío! A looping header from their attacker, our keeper was stranded.

Victor Wembanyama fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. Napoleon plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. Magnificent shift from Erling Haaland! Napoleon picks it up in space, no marker in sight, the pitch is his. The military leader accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything.

The gaffer changes everything. Formation, personnel, instructions. Erling Haaland gets shifted. Jesus Christ drops deeper. "What we did in the first half never happened, right? We delete it, we burn it, we start fresh." The players listen in grim silence. The second half is a rescue mission now and everyone knows it. Back on the estate, Chris Paul is still remembered as the kid who kicked a ball through Mrs Henderson's greenhouse in 2014. Now 41 and standing 183, the lad still legs it when he sees her at Asda. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 5566 and answer this question: 'What did the last pigeon to leave Trafalgar Square write in its resignation letter?' Dwayne Johnson is the last one out of the tunnel, laces done up tight, sleeves rolled up proper. The look on {his} face says everything. Let us get on with it.

GOAL for Buenos Aires Pecho Frío! A sucker punch on the counter. We committed too many forward.

Victor Wembanyama mimes smashing a penalty into the top corner, arm raised in frozen follow-through. Cafu does the wave with contortionist grace. Victor Wembanyama solemnly applauds. The home end copies the movement in cadence.

What a tackle by Cafu! Times it to perfection, nicks the ball, and the ref waves play on. Outstanding. Cafu rolls it to Usain Bolt, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Usain Bolt triggers a change of flanks for Erling Haaland, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads.

Napoleon sends a wicked free kick into the area, Shaquille O'Neal is lurking with intent. The film producer sees his cross deflected behind for a corner. It happens, but you have got to keep delivering from that side. Eddie Hall takes his corner to the near post but a defender is there to cut it out.

They've nicked a goal! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío catch us cold on the break.

Victor Wembanyama stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Cafu follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Victor Wembanyama plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

Clearance from the basketball player towards Eddie Hall, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Eddie Hall forces a pass to Roberto Carlos who was not in position. Bad read, ball gone. Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality. The strongman cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for Chris Paul. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat. Just wide! Chris Paul struck it well but lacked that tiny bit of precision.

Roberto Carlos is treating a free-kick from thirty yards like it's a World Cup final. Roberto Carlos is booked for dissent. He's done nothing but complain since kickoff. Free kick from Roberto Carlos, lovely delivery and Dwayne Johnson rises above the defence. Dwayne Johnson thumps his header on the delivery from Chris Paul but it sails over.

Victor Wembanyama takes his time and plays it short to Cafu. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. Backpass from Cafu goes completely wrong, the ball rolls to nobody and the opposition pounces on it. Chris Paul sniffs out the danger and produces a wonderfully timed challenge. Not a hint of a foul. They've turned defence into attack in one touch, that's vintage stuff.

Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end. The film producer opens up to Eddie Hall on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. The strongman loses his aerial duel, the opponent beat him in the air. In that position, losing a header can be very costly.

It's done. Buenos Aires Pecho Frío win, we lose, the table doesn't lie. Victor Wembanyama and Napoleon walk out together, bags over shoulders, eyes on the floor. The security guard holds the door and says nothing. Outside, it's started raining. Of course it has. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Reginald Flump, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What did the last pigeon to leave Trafalgar Square write in its resignation letter?'. The answer was of course 'I can no longer work in these conditions, the tourists are unbearable and Nelson never says thank you'. Reginald wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

2-3 (L)

The crowd is singing its lungs out, giving the attackers wings. BOOOM the header from Erling Haaland! On the cross from Napoleon, he produces a FURIOUS header that ends in the net. GOAL!

Erling Haaland fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. Shaquille O'Neal plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered. Eddie Hall sends Roberto Carlos into acres of space with a clipped ball over the top. The defence turns, but it is way too late. Roberto Carlos arrives full pelt and pokes the ball into the net! Off the tip of the boot, the keeper has no chance, GOAL!

The strongman switches the play to Erling Haaland, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. Magnificent leap from Erling Haaland who dominates the aerial duel. When he takes off like that, nobody stands a chance. One touch football: Erling Haaland to Shaquille O'Neal, faster than the opposition can think. 80% of the ball and still 0-0, says it all really. A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all.

Oh that's terrible! Rio Malandro FC score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

Shaquille O'Neal lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war. Dwayne Johnson tries to get up for the duel but the attacker beats him to the header. The timing was off. SUPERB take from Victor Wembanyama! He climbs above everyone and gathers with authority. Victor Wembanyama lumps it long towards Jesus Christ, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. The messiah rises above everyone and wins the header. In that position, aerial dominance is what separates the good from the great.

Tea cups everywhere. The gaffer has launched the lot. There is PG Tips running down the wall and broken ceramic on the floor. "That," he says, pointing at the mess, "is what our defensive shape looks like right now. An absolute disaster." Dwayne Johnson stares at the carnage. Shaquille O'Neal swallows hard. Nobody disagrees. Napoleon once tried to negotiate a personal sponsorship deal with a local car wash and was politely told the 257-year-old didn't have 'the right brand synergy.' The car wash later went bust — karma, some say. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 5050 and answer this question: 'How many sugars does the Queen's corgi take in its tea?' The referee blows the whistle and the second half kicks off. Victor Wembanyama takes the ball immediately and drives forward. No messing about.

Brilliant pass from Jesus Christ! The ball cuts through the defence like a hot knife through butter and Cafu is onto it. Cafu hits the afterburners and flies past his defender, that is blistering pace. Terrible timing from Cafu on that challenge, arrives a second late and the attacker breezes past. It's an early bath for Usain Bolt! He fouls the attacker in a last-man situation. Red card, right decision.

And it's in! Rio Malandro FC take advantage of a dreadful mix-up at the back.

Three-man routine: Victor Wembanyama, Usain Bolt and Victor Wembanyama do the conga down the touchline, mimicking they're pulling a giant imaginary rope. The Kop copies the move, fifty thousand imaginary ropes in the air simultaneously. Surreal and hilarious.

Roberto Carlos rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Napoleon. The far side is completely deserted. The military leader is beaten to the header by his marker. In that position, a lost duel like that is a warning sign. Massive clearance from the strongman under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. The film producer lays it off first time to Jesus Christ, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre.

Authoritative clearance from Roberto Carlos in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards. Eddie Hall sees everything, understands everything, and intercepts at the perfect moment. That is the kind of player who makes a team unbeatable. Eddie Hall clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched. Passing it around in the centre circle, not a single risk taken.

Victor Wembanyama sparks the transition with a quick throw to Dwayne Johnson, the break is lightning fast. Superb diagonal from the film producer to Jesus Christ, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. Jesus Christ wins the aerial battle against the attacker, he jumped earlier, higher, and stronger. Total domination. Lifesaving clearance from Jesus Christ! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters. Commanding header from Eddie Hall who wins his aerial duel. The opponent tried to barge him but Eddie Hall did not budge an inch.

GOAL! Rio Malandro FC strike! Their attacker has ghosted past everyone. Too easy.

Victor Wembanyama dives head-first into the back of the net and comes out with the ball between his teeth, eyes burning. Jesus Christ can't breathe he's laughing so hard. Victor Wembanyama claps from his own box, the roar from the stadium cranks up another ten decibels.

The team sits deep and absorbs everything, still holding. What selflessness from Shaquille O'Neal! Tracks all the way back from the opposition box to make a tackle in his own area. Victor Wembanyama comes out at the attacker's feet and makes himself huge! The team in a low block is impenetrable, every cross dealt with.

Sombrero from Erling Haaland over the defender, the ball goes clean over his head. Total disrespect. Firm pass from Erling Haaland into Napoleon, right into the boots. No waste. Shot from the military leader, wide! Not far from the woodwork though. In that role, full credit for trying, that was genuinely close. Victor Wembanyama boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Napoleon! Long ball that catches everyone off guard.

Lost it. Napoleon kicks a water bottle across the dressing room. Nobody flinches — they've all been there. Eddie Hall hands him a towel without a word. The gaffer waits for the anger to pass before speaking. "Right. Let's talk about what we do next." And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Doreen from Doncaster, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many sugars does the Queen's corgi take in its tea?'. The answer was of course seven and a half, but only on formal occasions. Doreen wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

2-2 (L)

Smooth transition from Erling Haaland to Cafu, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Cafu uses Napoleon as a wall, the return is instant, Cafu carries on into space. Crystal clear. GOOOAL! Cafu goes on a CRAZY run, dribbles past everyone, beats the keeper and scores. MASTERPIECE!

Great overlap from Usain Bolt down the flank, pinpoint cross for Jesus Christ in the area. This is the moment. GOAL! Overhead kick from the messiah! In that position, producing a finish like that is what gets you into LEGEND status. Perfect scissor kick, ball in the top corner, the crowd is on its feet!

GOAL! Istanbul Cehennem FK have broken through! Their forward buried it into the bottom corner.

Victor Wembanyama stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Usain Bolt comes over and hugs him without a word.

Diagonal from Dwayne Johnson to Eddie Hall, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Eddie Hall floats it into the gap for Chris Paul, the ball skims through the grass and arrives at just the right spot. Chris Paul curls a cross to the near post, Dwayne Johnson is lurking in the box.

Magnificent tackle from Cafu! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Line-breaking pass from Cafu! The ball slices through the centre-halves and Jesus Christ picks it up at full pace. Devastating. The messiah lets fly and it's wide. Flirted with the frame though. In that position, with a tiny bit more precision that's going in. Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill.

Tactical debate in the corner. Victor Wembanyama wants to push higher. Jesus Christ reckons they will get done on the counter. The gaffer listens to both, arms folded, then makes the call: "We push up. Jesus Christ, you cover. If they break, you are the last man. No arguments." The room goes quiet. Orders received. Napoleon has worn the same pair of lucky pants for every match since 2021. At 257, the 168-tall star insists they've been washed but teammates remain unconvinced, describing the aroma as 'motivational.' And now, our TV game show Marmite or Marmalade! To win a year's supply of both and a lifetime of arguments, text 4456 and answer: 'Is Marmite a food or a personality test?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Victor Wembanyama wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

They've scored again! Istanbul Cehennem FK are running riot and we can't cope.

Knee slide for twenty yards, Victor Wembanyama arms outstretched like a crucifix, face buried in the wet turf. Jesus Christ slides in alongside, they both crash into the hoardings. Wonderwall starts up from the stands, fifty thousand voices, goosebumps territory.

Jesus Christ sends the corner into the heart of the box but a defender wins the aerial duel and heads clear. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. Overlap from the messiah with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy. Failed dribble from the messiah, the defender recovers. It happens, but in that role you expect better decision-making. Decisive interception from Cafu who cuts out the opposition's attempt to build from the back. The ball was meant for a striker on the run, but Cafu saw it all.

They've grabbed the game by the scruff of the neck now. The shot from Napoleon doesn't get through, the defender blocks it with his legs. Well read. The cross from Usain Bolt is cut out cleanly by an alert defender. The defence has stood up. Napoleon hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job!

Short pass from the military leader to Cafu, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. The referee spots the foul by Cafu, a push in the back on the opponent. Yellow card for Cafu, the third foul in quick succession. Referee had no option.

Ultra-compact low block, couldn't get a needle through this. The basketball player plucks the cross with both hands. In that position, when you have that authority in the air, your defence plays with their eyes closed. Victor Wembanyama fires it out quickly by hand to Shaquille O'Neal, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart.

The basketball player goes long for Cafu, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Burst of pace from Cafu on the wing, the full-back cannot live with that speed.

Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly. Key pass from Roberto Carlos! It fizzes between the lines and Cafu collects on the run, the defence is left for dead. Cafu winds up and FIIIIRES! On target! But the keeper pushes it away for a corner. The corner from Cafu is met by a defender who volleys it out for a throw-in.

Honours even. Roberto Carlos finds a corner of the dressing room, headphones on, eyes shut. Usain Bolt walks past, taps his knee twice — silent support. The gaffer arrives: "We'll talk when everyone's ready. No rush." Well read, gaffer. Nigel from Margate says it's definitely a personality test and he failed it magnificently. A year of Marmite AND marmalade for Nigel! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

2-2 (L)

Oh it's gone in! Milano Piano-Piano find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

Rehearsed move all week: Victor Wembanyama and Cafu stage a Wild West duel, back to back, ten paces, turn, fire. Victor Wembanyama plays the corpse in the middle. The stadium wants an encore, they do it twice more before the ref cuts it off.

What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere. Cafu spots the run from Eddie Hall and slips it in behind the defence, inch-perfect! Eddie Hall pops up like a thief in the box! With the tip of the boot he diverts the ball into the net, GOOOAL!

Jesus Christ goes tactical with the short corner to Shaquille O'Neal, the defense is forced to come out. Shaquille O'Neal plays it back across the floor in the box, Usain Bolt receives centrally. This is the textbook cut-back. Usain Bolt was THERE, like a TRUE poacher! On the inswinging cross from Chris Paul, he prods it in from 4 yards. GOAL!

Jesus Christ runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Cafu joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

Ball won high, counter away, it's a proper turbo-charged break. Ball across the ground from Usain Bolt, it slides through the entire box and reaches Shaquille O'Neal on the penalty spot. Shaquille O'Neal fires with his left but the defender intervenes and deflects the shot. The defence holds. Dwayne Johnson crosses but it hits the defender's knee. The danger is cleared. Victor Wembanyama opts for the short option to Shaquille O'Neal, keeping possession, building play, no panic.

The opponent beats Napoleon to the near post and wins the header. Napoleon was caught on his heels. WHAT A SAVE from Victor Wembanyama! Left foot planted, the ball is pushed away. It was a goal! Beautiful distribution from Victor Wembanyama to Cafu, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder.

VAR complaints are flying around the dressing room. "That was a stonewall penalty, how has he not given that?" Napoleon is livid, gesturing wildly. Victor Wembanyama chips in: "Absolute shambles, the officiating." The gaffer cuts them off: "Forget the ref. We control what we can control. Now sit down and listen." A wonderful anecdote — Shaquille O'Neal once got lost in an IKEA for two and a half hours. Had to be rescued by staff near the bedroom section. He was 54 at the time and insists the store moved the exits. Classic British Saturday gone wrong. And now, our TV game show Grand Designs Over Budget! To win a bag of cement and an architect's apology, text 5234 and answer: 'By what percentage does a Grand Designs project typically exceed its budget?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Roberto Carlos high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

Monster clearance from Cafu! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. Chris Paul cuts out the opposition's build-up with a perfectly timed interception. The kind of player who plays chess while everyone else plays draughts. Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. SHOOOOT from the strongman! On target but saved by the keeper. In that role, those kind of efforts put the defence under serious pressure. Corner from Eddie Hall, it is a whipped delivery but a defender intervenes and clears.

Clearance from the basketball player towards Cafu, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Cafu aims for Roberto Carlos but the ball is deflected off an opponent's foot. Pass cut out.

Erling Haaland feeds Usain Bolt in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Quick one-two between Usain Bolt and Shaquille O'Neal, clean as you like, they are moving forward. The film producer finds Dwayne Johnson in the pocket with a ball into space. Understated quality, no fuss, but devastatingly effective. Dwayne Johnson bamboozles the defender with a feint, leaves him chasing shadows. Dwayne Johnson puts it right into the feet of Cafu, one touch and away. Silky stuff.

Frustration boiling over in the stands, going in circles for ten minutes. Superb pass from Napoleon into the gap for Jesus Christ, the defender is rooted to the spot. The linesman raises his flag, Jesus Christ was a yard ahead of the last defender when Cafu played it. Emergency clearance from Dwayne Johnson, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe. The basketball player finds Jesus Christ with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops.

It was bound to happen. Milano Piano-Piano score and honestly, we deserved that.

Roberto Carlos intercepts in the opposition half, he read the play three seconds before anyone else. That is defensive caviar. Massive diagonal from Roberto Carlos! Erling Haaland receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards. Driven cross from Erling Haaland into the box, Chris Paul arrives at full pace at the near post. This smells like a goal. OHHH Chris Paul rises and heads it just wide! That was so close!

Eddie Hall takes absolutely forever with every throw-in, the opposition are fuming. Yellow card. Eddie Hall confronted the referee and that's an automatic booking. The free kick from Eddie Hall is a dangerous one, Dwayne Johnson meets it on the volley inside the six-yard box. The film producer heads it but it goes over. In that position you have got to hit the target, but the intent was spot on.

Perfect parity. Dwayne Johnson slaps hands with the opposition manager, mutual respect. "Good game, gaffer." "Good game." Formality, but meant. Erling Haaland watches from the bench. Some draws are honest. This one is. Clive from Oxfordshire says three hundred percent over budget and the glass staircase alone cost more than the original house. Bag of cement for Clive! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-1 (L)

The timing is everything: Jesus Christ releases the ball at the perfect moment and Roberto Carlos explodes into the space behind. The defence is cooked. GOOOOOAL for Roberto Carlos! On the genius pass from Erling Haaland, he beats the keeper with a placed finish, MAGNIFICENT!

Napoleon delivers into the box on the corner, it's a proper BATTLE in there! Defense holds firm! Dwayne Johnson clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football. Napoleon is beaten in the air, the opponent came back down with the ball while Napoleon was barely on his way up.

Roberto Carlos cleans up with a magnificent sliding tackle, wins possession, and plays it forward. That's the complete defensive action. Transition play in overdrive, they're at the edge of the box already. GO ON Eddie Hall! He SHOOOOOTS, it's on target but the keeper punches it clear with both fists! The corner from Eddie Hall is headed away by the defence at the near post.

The corner from Usain Bolt picks out Roberto Carlos in the box, glancing header but it drifts past the post. Victor Wembanyama distributes short to Roberto Carlos, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Roberto Carlos burns past his man with a sudden burst of acceleration, the defender is left standing. Right-footed cross from Roberto Carlos, the ball bends beautifully into the box and seeks out Erling Haaland.

Ball in behind from the film producer, Usain Bolt is through on goal. That is the kind of pass that justifies the price tag all on its own. Usain Bolt tries to pick out Erling Haaland on the flank but the pass is straight at a defender. Missed. Three on one and they find a way to mess it all up, unbelievable. Jesus Christ embarks on a mazy solo run from his own half, he beats one, two, three opponents.

Shaquille O'Neal sits at the end of the bench, head in hands. Decent first half but nothing special, and for a player of {his} quality, nothing special is not good enough. Dwayne Johnson sits down beside {him}: "Second half, mate. It is coming. Trust me." Shaquille O'Neal nods but does not look up. Bit of a scoop for you — Eddie Hall plays Sunday league football under a fake name during the off-season. Goes by 'Dave from Accounts' and plays centre-mid for the Dog and Duck. At 38, the man just loves the game. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 7878 and answer this question: 'How many coat hooks are needed to sustain a marriage?' Jesus Christ is the last one out of the tunnel, laces done up tight, sleeves rolled up proper. The look on {his} face says everything. Let us get on with it.

Enormous anticipation from Roberto Carlos who intercepts and kills the opposition attack stone dead. The pressing has paid off. Delicious through ball from Roberto Carlos, the ball slides in behind the centre-halves and Erling Haaland is there to gobble it up. Powerful run from Erling Haaland down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there. Erling Haaland bombs down the right and swings in a floated cross, Jesus Christ wins the aerial battle. What a claim from Victor Wembanyama! He gathers the ball in both hands above the heads of the attackers. Beautiful.

Foul by the basketball player, pulls the opponent back. In that role you learn quickly when a tactical foul is worth it. The basketball player is cautioned for backchat. In that position, you need to keep your head, not lose it. Short free kick from the basketball player, clever stuff! In that position, mixing up direct shots and combinations is the key to troubling any defence. Roberto Carlos tries his luck and BOOOOM it flies... wide. Brushed the post though, nearly had it.

What a terrible tackle from Chris Paul! The attacker is down holding his knee. This looks bad. The basketball player is booked for dangerous play. In that position, a yellow card can be devastating. Chris Paul plays the free kick into the danger zone, Roberto Carlos arrives at the penalty spot. Phenomenal leap from Roberto Carlos who wins the header without any contest whatsoever. The opponent does not exist in the air against him.

GOAL for Sevilla Olé-Olé! You can't defend like that and expect to get away with it.

Erling Haaland sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Dwayne Johnson. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. The film producer is beaten in the air, the attacker got higher. Losing an aerial duel like that in his position puts the whole team in danger. The film producer hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did. We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep. The messiah lays it off first time to Napoleon, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre.

One-two between Chris Paul and Dwayne Johnson on the short corner, they go round the first defender. The film producer rolls it back along the ground for Usain Bolt. The kind of ball that tears defensive lines apart in the big matches. AAAARGH Usain Bolt! Chris Paul puts the ball on his head, the goal is empty, and he nods it wide. That stings.

Honours even. Chris Paul finds a corner of the dressing room, headphones on, eyes shut. Napoleon walks past, taps his knee twice — silent support. The gaffer arrives: "We'll talk when everyone's ready. No rush." Well read, gaffer. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Gerald Musty-Carpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many coat hooks are needed to sustain a marriage?'. The answer was of course a minimum of six, studies from the University of Barnsley confirm this. Gerald wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-0 (W)

Erling Haaland puts hellish pressure on the opposition build-up and forces the turnover. That is what high pressing looks like. GOOOOOAL for Erling Haaland! Curled left-footed effort, the ball describes a perfect arc and ends in the net!

Erling Haaland sprints to the dugout, hugs the physio, then the doc, then finally the gaffer who pretends to push him off but squeezes him anyway. Roberto Carlos photobombs behind with a perfect grimace. Picture of the season, right there.

Switch from Jesus Christ! The ball arcs over the midfield and Shaquille O'Neal collects it on the other side. Stretching the play. Shaquille O'Neal wins his aerial duel with fierce determination, he outmuscles the attacker and comes away with possession.

Wall combination between Chris Paul and Eddie Hall, fluid, rapid, and it creates an overload going forward. Chris Paul picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train. Chris Paul wants to beat his man but gets closed down by the defender. Back to sender. Interception from Shaquille O'Neal right through the middle, he anticipated the switch of play and placed himself right in the passing lane. Pure intelligence.

Dwayne Johnson switches the play to Roberto Carlos on the far side, superb crossfield ball! Incredible burst of pace from Roberto Carlos, he eats up the ground in just a few strides. Rapid combination: Roberto Carlos to Cafu, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Change of flanks from Cafu, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Dwayne Johnson.

Perfectly coordinated low block, the opposition looks helpless. Textbook tackle from Cafu there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted. Cafu spreads it to Roberto Carlos, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. The wall from Eddie Hall is perfect for Roberto Carlos who collects at full speed. Two passes, one defender eliminated. That is football.

The dressing room smells of Deep Heat and good decisions. Chris Paul is sat in the corner, ice on {his} shoulder, replaying {his} tackle on the phone. "Look at that, absolutely textbook," {he} says to Eddie Hall. The gaffer nods. "That is the level I want for the whole second half. No let-up." Erling Haaland once bumped into David Attenborough at a Tesco Express and panicked so badly the 26-year-old dropped an entire basket of Pot Noodles. Sir David apparently whispered 'fascinating specimen.' And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a Boots meal deal every day for a month, text 3501 and answer: 'Is a sausage roll from Greggs a breakfast or a lifestyle?' They are back. Shaquille O'Neal salutes the travelling fans with a raised fist before taking {his} spot. The faithful respond in kind. Second half. Bring it on.

Corner from Chris Paul, drops short, it's a scrap in there! A defender heads it away in desperation! Jesus Christ scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive. The opponent gets the better of the strongman in the header. In his role, that is the kind of situation where concentration must be at its peak.

Rainbow flick from Usain Bolt, he clips the ball over the defender with his heel. The crowd erupts. Usain Bolt sets it for Chris Paul, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Chris Paul winds up and FIRES! It's wide but it brushed the upright. Unlucky! Victor Wembanyama distributes by hand to Eddie Hall on the flank, instant counter-attack launched.

Clearance from the basketball player towards Roberto Carlos, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Good ball from Roberto Carlos to Jesus Christ, playing it quick between the lines. Jesus Christ goes crossfield to Cafu, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Cafu sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. Cafu plays a surgical cut-back along the floor for Eddie Hall in the six-yard box. That is pure silk.

Dwayne Johnson gifts Erling Haaland a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal. Erling Haaland flagged offside on the pass from Shaquille O'Neal, but you'd need VAR to see that! This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive. Good ball from the film producer to Erling Haaland, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does.

They've got the ball but it's troubling absolutely nobody. Monumental ball from Chris Paul to Napoleon, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. OHHH what a strike from Napoleon! On target, thundering towards goal but the keeper stands firm. Huge save.

That is a statement result! Eddie Hall stands at the centre circle and applauds every corner of the ground, slowly, deliberately. Shaquille O'Neal joins him. The floodlights catch the moment perfectly. Somewhere, a photographer just got his picture of the season. München Ordnung-Muss-Sein won't forget this one. Young Callum from Croydon says it is absolutely a lifestyle and Greggs should be on the national curriculum. Meal deals for a month! Coming up: 'Gogglebox, but the families are watching Gogglebox watching Gogglebox.' It's telly-ception. Nobody knows what's real anymore. The dog seems fine with it.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

1-2 (L)

Erling Haaland overlaps on the wing with frightening ease, the defender is made to look silly. Perfect pull-back from Erling Haaland, Chris Paul receives it facing goal inside the area. Dream scenario. GOOOOOAL! Chris Paul places it inside the post from the cross by Jesus Christ, the keeper was well positioned but had no chance!

Erling Haaland mimes smashing a penalty into the top corner, arm raised in frozen follow-through. Jesus Christ does the wave with contortionist grace. Victor Wembanyama solemnly applauds. The home end copies the movement in cadence.

The basketball player finds Jesus Christ with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Jesus Christ intercepts in the danger zone, he read the opposition's combination as if he had the match script in his back pocket. The messiah plays it simple to Usain Bolt, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Usain Bolt lays it off first time to Roberto Carlos, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely.

Eddie Hall sends an aerial beauty to Shaquille O'Neal, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile. Shaquille O'Neal scuffs the pass, the ball spins off the boot and heads towards the dugout. Lonely moment. Erling Haaland launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out. Wing switch from Cafu, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Jesus Christ brings it down with a velvet touch. Class.

Free kick played short, Napoleon to Erling Haaland, they bypass the wall with the combination. JUST WIIIIIDE from Erling Haaland! Right idea but it slides past the far post by inches. Sterile stuff this, pass after pass going nowhere fast. Chris Paul lets fly but it shaves the woodwork, not far off!

They push up sky high, the defender is forced into a hurried clearance. Shaquille O'Neal shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class. Telepathic pass from Shaquille O'Neal to Roberto Carlos, like they rehearsed it at breakfast. The ball fizzes in behind the defence. What a STRIIIIKE from Roberto Carlos! Arrowing towards goal, on target but the keeper produces an absolute worldie! The corner from Roberto Carlos is thumped clear by the defence, back to the halfway line.

Shaquille O'Neal cannot even look at {his} teammates. {he} knows the mistake was {his}. The gaffer knows it too but does not single {him} out. Instead he addresses the room: "We win as a team, we lose as a team. Right now we are losing. So what are we going to do about it? Sit here and sulk, or go out there and fight?" Erling Haaland turned up to a school reunion in full kit and boots, apparently misreading the invitation. The 26-year-old spent the evening doing keepy-uppies in the car park while everyone else had a carvery. And now, our TV game show Would I Lie to the Council! To win planning permission for a shed, text 0800SHED and answer: 'How many forms does it take to get planning permission for a garden shed two inches too tall?' The whistle goes and twenty-two players get back to it. Shaquille O'Neal claps {his} hands three times, {his} little pre-half ritual. Here we go.

Massive punt from Victor Wembanyama, sends the ball sixty yards, Shaquille O'Neal is scrapping for it up top. The film producer is beaten to the header by his marker. In that position, a lost duel like that is a warning sign. The basketball player dives and tips it round for a corner! In that position, that kind of save is what makes the difference. The last line of defence did his job. Corner from Napoleon, Dwayne Johnson heads it but it sails over the crossbar. Frustrating!

Oh no, it's in! London Three-Pints punish a terrible defensive error. Heads in hands.

Solidarity move: Victor Wembanyama grabs Napoleon who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Napoleon a standing ovation right through to the restart.

Low block set up sweetly, the opposition plays around it with no danger. WHAT A RUSH from the basketball player! That kind of keeper lets you play high without fearing the one-on-one. Short restart from the basketball player to Jesus Christ, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Wing switch from Jesus Christ, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Cafu brings it down with a velvet touch. Class.

Victor Wembanyama hoofs it forward towards Jesus Christ, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Jesus Christ goes crossfield to Erling Haaland, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Good ball from Erling Haaland to Usain Bolt, playing it quick between the lines. Floated cross from Usain Bolt off the right, Erling Haaland has stationed himself on the penalty spot. Anything is possible.

Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. Napoleon tries the curler... it bends beautifully but slides just past the post. AGONISING. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages.

GOAAAL! London Three-Pints make no mistake! The defence parted like the Red Sea.

Shaquille O'Neal sprints like his life depends on it to get back and put in a last-ditch tackle. Lungs of steel on that lad. Shaquille O'Neal blocks the run of the opponent, uses the body well but the ref says no. Shaquille O'Neal sends the free kick into the heart of the defence, Dwayne Johnson pops up between two defenders. Lovely take from the basketball player! Aerial command nailed down, that is what you ask of a modern keeper, to rule his box.

Roberto Carlos sits in the dugout after everyone's gone inside, watching the empty pitch. Shaquille O'Neal reappears with two cups of tea. They sit in silence, sipping, staring at the grass. "Same again Tuesday?" asks Shaquille O'Neal. Roberto Carlos almost smiles. Almost. Football goes on. Roger from St Albans says forty-seven forms and a two-year waiting period for the shed. Planning permission granted for Roger! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.