My dream football team — football_team 🇬🇧

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

2-2 (L)

It's a goal for Paris Saint-Glinglin! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

CaseOh rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Angryginge jumps on his back, CaseOh is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

Ripping counter-attack, the through ball has sliced the back four open. Typical Gamer takes his bearings and places a CLINICAL finish! The keeper was beaten everywhere, GOAL!

Perfect back flip from Typical Gamer right in front of the home end, five-star landing. Cristiano Ronaldo tries the same behind him, lands flat on his arse, the whole squad doubled over laughing. Even CaseOh has made it up, hands on knees, breathless. Proper scenes.

The rapper embarks on a solo run from his own half. In that position, a run like that is truly exceptional. IShowSpeed bursts into the box and is SCYTHED down by the defender! Penalty! The referee is categorical. The whole bench is on its FEET, the atmosphere is ELECTRIC! GOOOOAL! IShowSpeed converts the penalty, the keeper goes the wrong way. Ice cold.

Three-man routine: IShowSpeed, Logan Paul and CaseOh do the conga down the touchline, mimicking they're pulling a giant imaginary rope. The Kop copies the move, fifty thousand imaginary ropes in the air simultaneously. Surreal and hilarious.

The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. Mark Rober hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! The digital transformation consultant throws it out to Logan Paul, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Bad pass from the movie actor/actress, the weight is completely off. In that position, that kind of mistake can be very costly.

Ferocious high press, the ball carrier is in full panic mode. IShowSpeed barges into the opponent off the ball. Free kick awarded. Free kick from IShowSpeed is completely off target, the ball curls away from the post. Disappointing.

"Sixty-two percent possession and not a single clear chance. You are passing it around like a game of piggy in the middle!" The gaffer slams the stats sheet on the table. CaseOh winces. Mark Rober looks away. Something has got to change and everyone in this room knows it. Absolutely unbelievable scenes — Logan Paul, aged 31, once admitted on live radio that he eats a Greggs sausage roll before every single match. The lad swears it's the secret to his pace, and honestly, who are we to argue with those numbers? And now, our TV game show The Masked Commuter! To win a monthly Oyster card and a disapproving stare, text 0800TUBE and answer: 'What is the correct facial expression when someone sits next to you on an empty train?' Right then, part two. Fanum adjusts {his} shin pads one last time and looks up. The floodlights catch the determination in {his} eyes. Forty-five minutes to make it count.

One touch football: Cristiano Ronaldo to KSI, faster than the opposition can think. KSI slips Logan Paul in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Smooth transition from Logan Paul to Typical Gamer, no delay, the game keeps flowing.

Short restart from CaseOh to KSI, building from the back nice and tidy. It is not happening for KSI, the pass to Mark Rober is weak, half-hearted, and the opponent pounces. The movie actor/actress slides in with a perfect tackle and wins the ball. That's exactly the kind of intervention you want from someone in that position. Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. Incredible solo charge from the streamer, he goes coast to coast with the ball. When a player in that role starts running like that, it is chaos for the opposition.

Mark Rober spots Cristiano Ronaldo in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness. Perfectly executed challenge by Cristiano Ronaldo, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb. Cristiano Ronaldo clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival.

Turnover and they're off to the races, a proper counter-punch. Jynxzi takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race. Failed dribble from the youtuber, the defender recovers. It happens, but in that role you expect better decision-making. Supersonic transition, but the final shot ends up in the clouds.

The inventor pulls the attacker's shirt, referee blows without hesitation. Yellow card for Mark Rober, the third foul in quick succession. Referee had no option. Free kick from Mark Rober and it goes sailing into the stands. Not his day from dead balls.

GOAL for Paris Saint-Glinglin! You can't defend like that and expect to get away with it.

CaseOh finds the TV camera and kisses it like a long-lost love. Cristiano Ronaldo plays the jealous partner alongside. The live broadcast lingers for eight solid seconds, the commentators crying with laughter. The memes are already circulating before kickoff resumes.

The crowd is on its feet, every ball is ending up in the box. The rapper whips in a classic cross for MrBeast in the box. When you have got that delivery from the flank, you cause havoc. Wasted cross from the youtuber, it goes out for a throw. At this level, you expect better delivery from the crosses. Jynxzi thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work.

Share of the spoils. Cristiano Ronaldo walks off puffing out his cheeks, not quite sure how he feels. Typical Gamer throws an arm round him: "A point's a point, mate." The two squads mingle in the tunnel, polite handshakes all round. Paris Saint-Glinglin probably walk away happier than we do. Simon from Woking says the correct expression is existential despair masked by looking at your phone. Oyster card for Simon! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

2-2 (L)

Mark Rober plays off Typical Gamer, the return arrives right down the middle and Mark Rober is free as a bird. GOOOAL from the inventor! POWERFUL strike, the keeper had no chance! In that position, when you have that foot on you, you are dangerous on every ball.

Mark Rober runs to the technical area, kisses the assistant coach's tablet, drops it — it shatters, the analyst goes mental. KSI gathers the bits laughing. The gaffer has his head in his hands, half-amused, half-murderous.

Disaster! México No-Era-Penal score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

KSI plays the simple ball to IShowSpeed, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. GOOOOOAL! IShowSpeed unleashes from 25 yards on the pass from Typical Gamer and sends a thunderbolt top bins!

Fanum puts in a crunching challenge, all ball, no foul. The attacker's left with absolutely nothing. Cracking counter, they've knifed through the middle at full tilt. OHHH Jynxzi unleashes an absolute thunderbolt! On target but the keeper pulls off a stunner! Corner cleared by the defence, the youtuber was on set piece duty. In that position, you need to find the timing and the area to beat the defence from these situations.

Cristiano Ronaldo swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Jynxzi, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. The youtuber shifts MrBeast into space, pass weighted to the millimetre. That is his bread and butter, he could do it blindfolded. The youtuber jumps the gun on IShowSpeed's pass. Offside, free kick to the defence. Long kick from CaseOh, KSI positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. The rapper overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon.

"Right, hands up, who thinks that was good enough?" The gaffer scans the room. Not a single hand goes up. Angryginge shifts uncomfortably on the bench. Typical Gamer picks at the tape on {his} wrist. "Exactly," says the boss. "Because it was not. We are better than this and every single one of you knows it." The entire squad confirmed that Logan Paul has a secret Love Island group chat where the 31-year-old live-reacts to every recoupling. At 188, watching the big man cry over Casa Amor is apparently hilarious. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 4455 and answer this question: 'Which colour was banned from Milton Keynes in 1987?' And they are off! CaseOh touches the ball first and lays it wide. The tempo is up already. Whatever the gaffer said at halftime, it has done the trick.

CaseOh fires it out quickly by hand to Typical Gamer, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart. The streamer loses his aerial duel, the opponent beat him in the air. In that position, losing a header can be very costly. Cristiano Ronaldo sends a powerful header on the cross from Jynxzi but it flies over. The whole stadium thought it was in.

The digital transformation consultant finds KSI with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Superb tackle from the rapper, cleans up the danger without breaking a sweat. When you've got a player like that in the role, you sleep easy at night. Little shift from KSI to Angryginge, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. BY A WHISKER! Angryginge fires and the ball shaves the right post before spinning out. The goal was right there.

The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. They're going for the jugular, this is a side in full flow. What a ball from Fanum! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and Logan Paul is away on his own. That is velvet. Logan Paul burns past his man with a sudden burst of acceleration, the defender is left standing.

GOAAAL! México No-Era-Penal make no mistake! The defence parted like the Red Sea.

'I told you so' mode. CaseOh eyeballs the México No-Era-Penal bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Fanum pulls CaseOh away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

Superb diagonal from the inventor to MrBeast, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. MrBeast clips the ball into the area with a whipped cross, Fanum gets across the near post first. Lovely claim from CaseOh! He comes through traffic and gathers without flinching. Top class goalkeeping. CaseOh sends an absolute rocket towards Mark Rober, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch.

Tidy restart from CaseOh along the deck to Angryginge, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Good ball from the youtuber to Typical Gamer, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Typical Gamer picks out KSI with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice.

Win the ball, punch forward, the transition is electric! Shot from the rapper, wide! Not far from the woodwork though. In that role, full credit for trying, that was genuinely close. Clearance from the digital transformation consultant towards IShowSpeed, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too.

Shared match. MrBeast walks past the cameras with his head down, no stopping tonight. KSI does stop, and simply says: "We weren't clinical enough in the box. Full stop." Brutal honesty. The pundits will chew on that one tomorrow. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Trevor Mildew-Parsnip, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which colour was banned from Milton Keynes in 1987?'. The answer was of course mauve, after a council vote determined it was too exciting for a town built entirely of roundabouts. Trevor wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

2-1 (W)

The inventor lays it off first time to IShowSpeed, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. The rapper makes the upright tremble with a massive hit. In that position, one centimetre from a masterpiece, the next one's going in. GOOOOAL from Angryginge! On the rebound, he was 5 yards out, he prods it into the EMPTY net!

The youtuber bamboozles his opponent with a feint. That kind of skill in that position completely changes the face of a match. The referee awards a penalty for the youtuber! In that position, this is the kind of situation that raises the PRESSURE to maximum. Everything rides on the next few seconds. GOOOOAL from Jynxzi! ICE COLD penalty, he places it left, the keeper goes right. Total composure!

CaseOh plays it along the ground to IShowSpeed, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. Error from the rapper, the pass is too soft and the opponent intercepts. Happens to the best of them. Typical Gamer with an absolutely perfect sliding tackle, takes the ball right off the attacker's toes. Nothing given, play on! Lightning recovery and attack, they're running riot on the break.

Far too slow, the opposition has time to set up ten times over. Aimless cross from IShowSpeed, not for Logan Paul, not for anyone. That is a waste. The digital transformation consultant climbs and gathers the cross with both hands. In that position, that authority is what makes the difference in the big matches. Short build-up from Fanum to Cristiano Ronaldo, playing out from the back, keeping it safe.

Quick throw from CaseOh to IShowSpeed out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. IShowSpeed keeps it short to Fanum, no frills, just good football intelligence. The streamer takes on his man and leaves him for dead. In that position, the short dribble is the ultimate weapon.

"Get in, lads! That is what I am talking about!" The gaffer punches the air as he comes through the door. MrBeast stands up and starts a slow clap that builds into full-on applause. Angryginge bangs the lockers in rhythm. The whole dressing room is bouncing like a pub after a last-minute winner. The 25-year-old Jynxzi adopted a rescue greyhound that now refuses to run under any circumstances. The dog sits on the sofa watching Homes Under the Hammer while Jynxzi trains — living the dream, honestly. And now, our TV game show The Repair Shop of Dreams! To win a broken clock that someone might fix eventually, text 4890 and answer: 'How long does a British person keep a broken appliance before admitting it needs replacing?' MrBeast trots out with a fresh shirt and a look that could curdle milk. Whatever happened in that dressing room has put fire in {his} belly.

CaseOh goes long for Cristiano Ronaldo, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Cristiano Ronaldo plays it simple to Jynxzi, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. With one swing of the boot, Jynxzi finds IShowSpeed on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. Burst of speed from the rapper down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs. IShowSpeed drills a low ball back for Typical Gamer, the kind of delivery that keepers absolutely dread.

They've grabbed the game by the scruff of the neck now. KSI puts hellish pressure on the opposition build-up and forces the turnover. That is what high pressing looks like.

They're monopolizing the ball but it's all hot air, nothing in the box. The inventor finds Jynxzi in the pocket with a ball into space. Understated quality, no fuss, but devastatingly effective. The youtuber slides a perfect cut-back for Mark Rober in the box. When you have got that vision from the flank, you are world class. The inventor shoots but it's blocked by the defender. In that position, right to have a go but the defender read it well.

Intense press, the defender misplaces the pass under pressure. Mark Rober senses the pass coming and cuts the trajectory. The opponent is dispossessed without even being touched. That is football at its beautiful best. Monumental ball from Mark Rober to KSI, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. KSI curls a cross to the near post, Fanum is lurking in the box.

Oh that's terrible! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

Fanum intercepts in the danger zone, he read the opposition's combination as if he had the match script in his back pocket. Quick transition, three touches and they're through on goal, but the finish lets them down. OHHH MrBeast strikes and it goes just wide! The post was trembling! The ball pings around but the defenders are barely breaking sweat. Strike from IShowSpeed that fizzes just wide! The ball licks the upright, so close to a goal.

That is a statement result! Fanum stands at the centre circle and applauds every corner of the ground, slowly, deliberately. Angryginge joins him. The floodlights catch the moment perfectly. Somewhere, a photographer just got his picture of the season. Casablanca Dima-Maghrib won't forget this one. Brenda from Northampton says at least six years and then you keep it in the garage for another four just in case. Broken clock for Brenda! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

1-2 (L)

KSI takes on the defender in tight quarters and comes out on top. Pure talent. PENALTY for the rapper! The defender fouled him in the box. In that position, this is the kind of CRUCIAL moment that can tip an entire match on its head. GOAL! KSI CONVERTS like a pro! Powerful penalty into the corner, the keeper is beaten. NO EMOTION!

Three-man routine: KSI, CaseOh and CaseOh do the conga down the touchline, mimicking they're pulling a giant imaginary rope. The Kop copies the move, fifty thousand imaginary ropes in the air simultaneously. Surreal and hilarious.

CaseOh lumps it long towards IShowSpeed, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. Long ball from IShowSpeed to Cristiano Ronaldo, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. Right-footed cross from Cristiano Ronaldo, the ball bends beautifully into the box and seeks out Angryginge.

Oh no, it's in! Dakar Teranga FC punish a terrible defensive error. Heads in hands.

CaseOh falls to his knees in front of the family section, eyes shut, hands pressed together to the sky. Three seconds of silence in the stadium. Then Cristiano Ronaldo arrives and screams in his ear, and the whole thing explodes. Goosebumps.

Solo run from Jynxzi, he drives up the pitch at full speed, beating everyone in sight. Jynxzi puts MrBeast in on a plate with a clean pass into space. Not a defender within five yards. MrBeast strays offside by half a boot on Typical Gamer's pass, brutal decision! CaseOh hoofs it forward towards Typical Gamer, clearance mode, no time to mess about.

Mark Rober slides into the passing lane and nicks the ball. The opposition does not know what just happened. Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart. CRAAACKER from MrBeast outside the box! Grazes the post and goes out for a goal kick. So close... The opposition defenders could grab a brew, nothing is happening. The rapper has a pop, it's wide but grazes the post. In that position, having the bravery to shoot is good, just needs a fraction more accuracy.

The gaffer changes everything. Formation, personnel, instructions. MrBeast gets shifted. IShowSpeed drops deeper. "What we did in the first half never happened, right? We delete it, we burn it, we start fresh." The players listen in grim silence. The second half is a rescue mission now and everyone knows it. Fanum attempted a Jamie Oliver fifteen-minute meal that took the 29-year-old two and a half hours and resulted in what witnesses described as 'a crime against pasta.' The smoke alarm went off thrice. And now, our TV game show The Repair Shop of Dreams! To win a broken clock that someone might fix eventually, text 4890 and answer: 'How long does a British person keep a broken appliance before admitting it needs replacing?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. CaseOh sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

Good ball from Fanum to Logan Paul, playing it quick between the lines. Sideways, backwards, sideways again, the crowd is getting restless. Just wide from Cristiano Ronaldo, needed a fraction more accuracy on that.

GOAL! Dakar Teranga FC find the net! Our keeper had no chance, thunderbolt of a strike.

Rampart defense, the opposition can't try anything dangerous at all. Lovely quick transition, but the final decision-making is terrible. Burst of pace from MrBeast on the wing, the full-back cannot live with that speed. Overlap and cross from MrBeast, the ball drops at the feet of Logan Paul in the heart of the box. Logan Paul sends a cross that finds nobody, the ball flies past the far post with no takers.

Textbook tackle from Angryginge there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted. Sideways ball from Angryginge to Mark Rober, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Mark Rober tries to pick out Typical Gamer on the flank but the pass is straight at a defender. Missed. They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit.

CaseOh takes his time and plays it short to Angryginge. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. Pass into no-man's land from Angryginge, nobody on the end of it, the ball rolls straight to the opposition. Gift. The rapper produces the tackle of the match, impeccable timing and technique. That ability to read the game defensively from that position is absolutely priceless. Three on one and they find a way to mess it all up, unbelievable. Majestic individual run from MrBeast, he cuts through the pitch like an arrow.

Short restart from the digital transformation consultant to Angryginge, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Well spotted by Angryginge who cuts out the pass, that is pure anticipation. Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end.

Header missed from the corner by the youtuber! In that position, when you put in deliveries like that, you expect your teammates to do the business in the air. Enormous clearance from Typical Gamer inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it. Raking ball from the rapper to MrBeast, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job.

Painful afternoon. Cristiano Ronaldo and Typical Gamer walk side by side toward the tunnel, neither saying a word. Their studs echo on the concrete. Somewhere behind them, Dakar Teranga FC's lot are singing. It carries down the corridor. Sounds get louder when you've lost. Brenda from Northampton says at least six years and then you keep it in the garage for another four just in case. Broken clock for Brenda! Coming up after the break: 'Escape to the Country, but the budget is £47 and the country is a layby near Swindon.' Dreams are free. Houses are not.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

1-1 (L)

Good cross from the rapper for Angryginge in the area. The bare minimum for a wide player, but done with surgical quality. NOOOO that is not POSSIBLE! Angryginge scores an own goal! He deflects the shot from Jynxzi with an unfortunate touch and his keeper is beaten. The poor lad has TEARS in his eyes, this is terrible.

'I told you so' mode. KSI eyeballs the Douala Makossa-Corner bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. IShowSpeed pulls KSI away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

Massive clearance from the streamer under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. Jynxzi jumps but his marker gets the better of him, dominated in that duel. Lovely high take from CaseOh! He owns his box, the attacker had no time to even jump. Massive punt from CaseOh, sends the ball sixty yards, MrBeast is scrapping for it up top. Enormous leap from the youtuber who wins the header. In that role, a player who wins his aerial duels like that is an insurance policy.

The rapper finds Cristiano Ronaldo along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Cristiano Ronaldo puts it right into the feet of IShowSpeed, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Firm pass from IShowSpeed into Mark Rober, right into the boots. No waste.

GOAAAL! Douala Makossa-Corner make it count! Sliced through us like a hot knife through butter.

Cristiano Ronaldo to Mark Rober, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Mark Rober sets it for Fanum, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Fanum beats his man with a sharp dribble, instant change of direction. The streamer tries one dribble too many and loses the ball. In that position, you have got to know when to release it.

The gaffer marches in and goes straight to the whiteboard without a word. He moves magnets around in silence while Cristiano Ronaldo stares at the floor, hands on knees. Nobody speaks. The tension is thicker than a foggy Tuesday night in Stoke. Finally the boss breaks it: "We are not here to draw. Sort it out." Angryginge has worn the same pair of lucky pants for every match since 2021. At 25, the 180-tall star insists they've been washed but teammates remain unconvinced, describing the aroma as 'motivational.' And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 8989 and answer this question: 'Which day of the week weighs the most in Grimsby?' Back on the pitch and Jynxzi is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

Counter perfect until the last yard when everything goes haywire. Lightning overlap from MrBeast, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides. Good delivery from MrBeast off the left flank, Fanum positions himself between the two centre-halves. Fanum crosses but it is a poor delivery, it goes three yards wide of Logan Paul. CaseOh rolls it short to KSI into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play.

Logan Paul cuts out the opposition's build-up with a perfectly timed interception. The kind of player who plays chess while everyone else plays draughts. Logan Paul embarks on a solo raid, he picks it up on the halfway line and drives straight at goal.

The youtuber boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. Aerial duel won by the rapper, he crushes it in the air. When you have that leap in that role, you rule your box. The rapper plays it simple to KSI, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

The streamer puts a pinpoint free kick into the box. In that position, that precision from set pieces is what makes the difference in the big games. The inventor rises above everyone and wins the header. In that position, aerial dominance is what separates the good from the great.

Ball into space from the youtuber for Mark Rober, the channel is wide open. When you have got that kind of vision, you cause damage. Overlap from Mark Rober on the left, he bombs towards the byline at full tilt. Cross from Mark Rober far too long, the ball flies through the entire box without finding anyone. A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all.

You can feel the tide turning, they're camped in the opposition half now. The rapper gets to the byline and floats one in for Angryginge. Crossing is his bread and butter. Aerial duel lost by Angryginge, he is beaten to the punch by the attacker. The ball flies over his head.

Draw against Douala Makossa-Corner. MrBeast kisses the club badge as he passes the home end — a gesture for the fans, regardless. Fanum does the same. The squad stays tight, the season rolls on. Nights like this, you close ranks. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Pauline Drizzle-Hatch, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which day of the week weighs the most in Grimsby?'. The answer was of course Thursday, at approximately 47 kilograms, mostly due to the accumulated dread of Friday. Pauline wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

2-2 (L)

They've scored! Lagos No-Carry-Last find the back of the net. Absolute disaster at the back.

Launching long balls into the box, it's route one now. IShowSpeed crosses from the left side, the ball hangs in the area, Angryginge is in the right place. GOOOOOAL! Angryginge climbs higher than anyone on the pass from IShowSpeed and powers an UNSTOPPABLE header!

IShowSpeed spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. KSI gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Counter on the turn, they've exploded forward like a sprung trap. OOH the OUTRAGEOUS strike from Cristiano Ronaldo! The keeper got demolished by a world class rocket!

Full moonwalk from Cristiano Ronaldo, penalty spot to halfway line, timing immaculate. Mark Rober does the bassline, hand-on-mouth move, in sync. CaseOh applauds slowly, cringing grin on his face. Every phone in the stadium is lit up.

Crucial intervention from the inventor, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on. Blistering transition, defence caught cold and carved wide open.

IShowSpeed beats the defender with a double touch, escaping in a tight space. Strong. Dangerous challenge from the rapper, studs up into the attacker. That's not what you want from a player in that role. IShowSpeed goes into the book for endangering the opponent. Reckless and unnecessary. IShowSpeed pretends to strike and lays it off to Jynxzi, well worked short free kick. Short pass from the youtuber to Mark Rober, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level.

The boss wipes the board clean and draws a completely new shape. "We are going 4-3-3. Typical Gamer, you go left. Cristiano Ronaldo, tuck inside." The players exchange nervous looks. Changing the system at halftime means the gaffer is not happy. Not happy at all. The mood is like waiting for exam results. Scouts initially spotted KSI not on a pitch but in a Greggs queue, where the 33-year-old demonstrated elite spatial awareness and patience beyond his years. At 178, the lad dominated the sausage roll section. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 2525 and answer this question: 'What breed of dog is technically a biscuit?' Right then, part two. Fanum adjusts {his} shin pads one last time and looks up. The floodlights catch the determination in {his} eyes. Forty-five minutes to make it count.

GOAL! Lagos No-Carry-Last strike! Their attacker has ghosted past everyone. Too easy.

CaseOh and Angryginge do the rehearsed move from the last party: imaginary top hat lift, military salute, spin. Flawless. CaseOh arrives late, misses his cue, flubs it spectacularly. The crowd in bits.

They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass. Logan Paul gifts Angryginge a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal. The youtuber gives it straight to the opposition. That sort of waste is not forgiven at his level.

The streamer plays it simple to Angryginge, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. The youtuber beats the defender with a sharp turn. It is rare to see a player in that position with that kind of pure skill. The youtuber lets fly and it's on target! Keeper pushes it for a corner. In that position, having the courage to pull the trigger is what sets you apart. Angryginge aims the corner to the back post but it is headed clear by the defence. Emergency clearance from the movie actor/actress, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play.

Logan Paul gives it to KSI who returns it first time, Logan Paul ghosts past his man like he does not exist. Logan Paul puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins. Brilliant cut-back from Logan Paul along the grass for Jynxzi. That is an absolute peach of a ball.

Cristiano Ronaldo delivers a tidy ball to Mark Rober, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Mark Rober blocks the run of the opponent, uses the body well but the ref says no. Yellow card for Mark Rober, the accumulation of fouls made this inevitable. Free kick blocked by the wall! Mark Rober couldn't find a way through. Cristiano Ronaldo launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out.

Fanum gives it to Typical Gamer into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Pinpoint delivery from the streamer towards Cristiano Ronaldo, the ball lands on a sixpence. In that position, crosses are half the job. The cross from Cristiano Ronaldo is blocked by the defender who was in the right position. Unlucky. CaseOh catapults the ball towards IShowSpeed from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot.

The rapper wipes out the attacker with a horror challenge. Playing in that role demands composure, not carnage. KSI sees yellow for that dangerous challenge. The intent was clear, the ref was right. KSI sends the free kick in front of goal, Logan Paul leaps to try the header. Logan Paul wins his duel in the air and heads it down for Mark Rober. Aerial dominance in the service of the team.

1-1, 2-2, doesn't matter — it's a draw. MrBeast shakes the ref's hand on autopilot, already miles away. Typical Gamer goes to applaud the travelling support — polite clap back. Nobody's sulking, but nobody's singing either. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Nigel Bottomsworth-Crumpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'What breed of dog is technically a biscuit?'. The answer was of course the Lincolnshire Digestive Hound, which crumbles if you stroke it too firmly. Nigel wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

1-1 (L)

Absolutely dreadful! Barranquilla Toque-Toque score and we have only ourselves to blame.

The pile at the corner flag. CaseOh is at the bottom, you count seventeen shirts, even the physio and the third-choice keeper are in there. CaseOh arrives from the other side at full sprint and dives on top. Two fans scaling the fence.

Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. Jynxzi takes the ball at his feet and drives fifty yards on his own. It is one man against the world. GOOOOOAL! Jynxzi places it inside the post from the cross by IShowSpeed, the keeper was well positioned but had no chance!

Free kick from Typical Gamer to the near post, MrBeast gets a flick on it. Ball plucked out of the air by CaseOh, total composure. Rapid combination: Jynxzi to Cristiano Ronaldo, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Cristiano Ronaldo drops it into space for Angryginge, the kind of pass that looks simple but requires a reading of the game that is way above average. Tight offside against the youtuber, Fanum's through ball deserved better than that.

The digital transformation consultant goes long for Mark Rober, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Short pass from the inventor to Typical Gamer, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Typical Gamer accelerates and burns past his man on the wing, nobody can keep up! Lob from the streamer over the defensive block for MrBeast. The bare minimum at this level, but delivered with diabolical precision.

The youtuber lays it off first time to KSI, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. KSI puts the ball right into the path of Typical Gamer, played to the inch, the space is found.

Cristiano Ronaldo sits at the end of the bench, head in hands. Decent first half but nothing special, and for a player of {his} quality, nothing special is not good enough. Jynxzi sits down beside {him}: "Second half, mate. It is coming. Trust me." Cristiano Ronaldo nods but does not look up. The 28-year-old MrBeast adopted a rescue greyhound that now refuses to run under any circumstances. The dog sits on the sofa watching Homes Under the Hammer while MrBeast trains — living the dream, honestly. And now, our TV game show Motorway Service Station Bingo! To win a Costa loyalty card with one stamp, text 4567 and answer: 'What is the minimum price of a sandwich at a motorway services?' They are back. Fanum salutes the travelling fans with a raised fist before taking {his} spot. The faithful respond in kind. Second half. Bring it on.

IShowSpeed puts an inswinger in, a defender at the near post does the business and clears. Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly. Incredible burst of pace from MrBeast, he eats up the ground in just a few strides.

The rapper bends the ball into the box for Fanum. The kind of delivery that makes the difference in the big games. Volley attempted by Fanum, absolutely spectacular but it flies over the bar! The digital transformation consultant finds Jynxzi with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops.

Fanum reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. The streamer plays it simple to Jynxzi, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Dribble from Jynxzi in the box, one shimmy and the defender is out of the picture. Dangerous. Jynxzi clips the opponent's heels as he turns. Not intentional, but it's a foul. The youtuber picks up a yellow for persistent fouling. In that position, accumulating cards is a liability.

KSI crosses from the right but the defender blocks it with his shins. It is not getting through. Pathetic corner from the inventor. In that role, missing set pieces that badly shows a focus problem.

Magnificent low block, holding out like a besieged fortress. Clutch recovery from Fanum! The attacker thought he was through but got hunted down on the last stride. Stunning tackle by Fanum in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone.

Corner from KSI, good delivery but the defence reads it well and clears. Instinctive clearance from Cristiano Ronaldo who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day. Fanum launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Typical Gamer, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully. The streamer finds Jynxzi along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. The youtuber does not let up and rips the ball from the opposition's feet. In that position, that kind of high defensive work is worth as much as an assist.

Honours even. Cristiano Ronaldo finds a corner of the dressing room, headphones on, eyes shut. CaseOh walks past, taps his knee twice — silent support. The gaffer arrives: "We'll talk when everyone's ready. No rush." Well read, gaffer. Tony from Warwick says eight pounds fifty for a cheese sandwich the size of a postage stamp. Costa loyalty card for Tony! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-2 (L)

And there it is, Montevideo Garra-Charrúa score! The writing was on the wall after that pressure.

Brilliant pass from IShowSpeed! The ball cuts through the defence like a hot knife through butter and Typical Gamer is onto it. The streamer aims with surgical precision on the pass from KSI! In that position, knowing how to place a ball like that, you become a nightmare for keepers. GOAL!

IShowSpeed mimes a baseball home run, watches the imaginary ball disappear into imaginary clouds, then jogs round the bases. Logan Paul plays the opposing manager crying on the sideline. CaseOh applauds from the centre circle. The home end losing it.

Logan Paul clears in a panic off his weaker foot, it is not clean but it is out. The important thing is the ball is miles away. Magnificent leap from KSI who dominates the aerial duel. When he takes off like that, nobody stands a chance. KSI finds IShowSpeed between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch.

CaseOh launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on MrBeast after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. Phenomenal leap from MrBeast who wins the header without any contest whatsoever. The opponent does not exist in the air against him. Powerful run from MrBeast down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there. MrBeast lays it off inside the box for Logan Paul, the defensive block is completely shattered. The digital transformation consultant pushes the shot away with an iron fist. In that position, reflexes are everything, and right there he was MONUMENTAL.

And it's a goal! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa punish us for that sloppy defending. Heads will roll.

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment CaseOh strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. IShowSpeed points at it, jaw on the floor. CaseOh shakes his head, not believing it.

Logan Paul cannot even look at {his} teammates. {he} knows the mistake was {his}. The gaffer knows it too but does not single {him} out. Instead he addresses the room: "We win as a team, we lose as a team. Right now we are losing. So what are we going to do about it? Sit here and sulk, or go out there and fight?" IShowSpeed is a known charity shop addict who once found a vintage Gazza shirt in an Oxfam for three quid. The 21-year-old wore it under the kit for six straight matches as a lucky charm. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 3344 and answer this question: 'How many episodes of Bargain Hunt equal one real emotion?' MrBeast spits on {his} palms, old school, and rubs them together. Boots in the turf, eyes on the prize. The whistle goes. Game on.

Flash wall from Typical Gamer for Logan Paul who had started the run before even passing the ball. Insane anticipation. Quick dribble from Logan Paul, one touch, one turn, and the defender is eliminated. Good ball from the movie actor/actress to Fanum, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Fanum picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train.

Logan Paul goes to ground and absolutely nails the tackle. Ball won, danger cleared, crowd on their feet. Big clearance from Logan Paul under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line. A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent.

The corner from Typical Gamer is perfect, MrBeast heads it but it misses the target. CaseOh plays out from the back with IShowSpeed, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. The rapper positions himself in the passing lane and intercepts the ball. In that role, reading the game is the invisible weapon, and he has just pulled it out at the perfect moment. Wing switch from IShowSpeed, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Mark Rober brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Mark Rober floats it into the gap for KSI, the ball skims through the grass and arrives at just the right spot.

Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. MrBeast bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket. MrBeast drives down the flank and puts in an inswinging cross, the ball curves away from the defence and reaches Fanum. Fanum crosses too far from the target, the ball drifts towards the opposite touchline. Long ball from CaseOh for IShowSpeed who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy.

We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep. Sterile possession, the opposition back four could have a picnic. Fanum goes crossfield to Jynxzi, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. The overlap from Jynxzi, he leaves the opposing full-back for dead.

Constant harassment, the opposition is always a yard off the pace. MrBeast charges into the press like a man possessed and rips the ball away from the midfielder. The intensity is frightening. Short pass from the youtuber to KSI, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level.

The digital transformation consultant throws it out to Logan Paul, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Lay-off from Logan Paul to MrBeast, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Nutmeg from the youtuber on the defender. Close-quarters dribbling is the trademark of the very best in that role.

Gutting. Typical Gamer throws his gloves at the bench in frustration. CaseOh picks them up quietly and puts them in the bag. The gaffer waits for everyone to sit down before speaking. His voice is calm but his eyes tell a different story. Long coach ride home. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Shirley Bungalow-Throttle, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many episodes of Bargain Hunt equal one real emotion?'. The answer was of course 347, though episode 212 did feature a man who nearly smiled at a vase. Shirley wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

1-3 (L)

Masterful reading from Mark Rober who cuts out the through ball. The timing is perfect, the anticipation is frightening. Phenomenal run from Mark Rober, he cuts through the midfield like a hot knife through butter. GOOOAL from the inventor! World class placed finish! In that position, knowing how to find the bottom corner like that is what makes the great players.

Mark Rober kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Typical Gamer takes a knee behind him. CaseOh raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

CaseOh throws it out quickly to MrBeast, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. The youtuber dominates his marker in the air with insulting ease. That kind of aerial mastery in that position makes a team unbeatable from set pieces. MrBeast links up with Angryginge, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. The youtuber spots the run and threads a beauty in behind the defence for Logan Paul. That is exactly why he is out there.

It's hit the back of the net! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío lead and we look completely lost.

Textbook collective defending, everyone tucks in and shuts the angles. The digital transformation consultant produces a perfect fingertip save and sends the ball for a corner! In that position, that kind of save is what makes the difference. Beautiful distribution from CaseOh to Jynxzi, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder.

The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded. The lads smell blood, they're pouring forward in numbers. Ball in behind from the youtuber, Typical Gamer is through on goal. That is the kind of pass that justifies the price tag all on its own. The streamer accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything.

The gaffer pulls up the replay on his tablet and shoves it in KSI's face: "Look at that. A gap size of the Grand Canyon in our backline and you are ball-watching. BALL. WATCHING. What are you, a spectator?!" KSI takes it on the chin. There is nothing to say. The evidence is damning. Now Typical Gamer has a rather unusual pre-match ritual — he has to watch a full episode of EastEnders before kickoff. If Phil Mitchell isn't in the episode, he considers it a bad omen. He's 34 years old and still won't grow out of it. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 3344 and answer this question: 'How many episodes of Bargain Hunt equal one real emotion?' Forty-five minutes left on the clock. Logan Paul knows it, the fans know it, even the bloke selling pies behind the away end knows it. This is where it matters.

GOAL! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío have broken through! Their forward buried it into the bottom corner.

Superb defensive work from Angryginge there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! Angryginge spots the run from Logan Paul and slips it in behind the defence, inch-perfect! Logan Paul caught offside by a shoulder width on IShowSpeed's through ball, what a shame!

Oh that's poor! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío score from a set piece. We switched off completely.

Massive clearance from Logan Paul in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished. The game is crying out for a moment of magic, nothing's happening. Possession for possession's sake, not a single cross or shot.

Angryginge slides it to MrBeast, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. MrBeast sends the game to the other side with a long pass to IShowSpeed. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. IShowSpeed bombs down the right and swings in a floated cross, MrBeast wins the aerial battle. The youtuber sends a cross into no man's land. It is part of the game, but when you are in that role, every cross matters.

The digital transformation consultant goes long for Mark Rober, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Short pass from the inventor to IShowSpeed, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. IShowSpeed plays it into the channel for Typical Gamer, the defensive line is split clean in two. That is pure filth.

Short free kick from the rapper, clever stuff! In that position, mixing up direct shots and combinations is the key to troubling any defence. The youtuber bends the ball into the box for IShowSpeed. The kind of delivery that makes the difference in the big games. Cross from IShowSpeed repelled by the defence in the heart of the area. It is not getting through. Corner from Logan Paul, the defence heads it clear, the ball is punted well away from the box. The streamer opens up to KSI on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver.

Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end. Passing it around in the centre circle, not a single risk taken.

Gutting. Typical Gamer throws his gloves at the bench in frustration. MrBeast picks them up quietly and puts them in the bag. The gaffer waits for everyone to sit down before speaking. His voice is calm but his eyes tell a different story. Long coach ride home. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Shirley Bungalow-Throttle, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many episodes of Bargain Hunt equal one real emotion?'. The answer was of course 347, though episode 212 did feature a man who nearly smiled at a vase. Shirley wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

1-2 (L)

What a disaster! Rio Malandro FC score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

CaseOh dives head-first into the back of the net and comes out with the ball between his teeth, eyes burning. Fanum can't breathe he's laughing so hard. CaseOh claps from his own box, the roar from the stadium cranks up another ten decibels.

The rapper gets to the byline and floats one in for Logan Paul. Crossing is his bread and butter. INSANE GOAL! Logan Paul produces a LEGENDARY overhead kick on the cross from KSI! The ball flies like a BULLET into the top corner, the keeper did not MOVE! That is the greatest goal we have SEEN here!

IShowSpeed slides onto his belly right in front of a pitchside photographer and gives him a thumbs up. The bloke takes the most cinematic photo of his career. Typical Gamer photobombs from behind. Front pages tomorrow.

Short distribution from CaseOh to Fanum, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. Fanum anticipates the pass and intercepts cleanly. The opposition midfielder thought he had found the gap, but it was a trap. The streamer hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did.

Sombrero from IShowSpeed right inside the box, the audacity is outrageous. The defender will not recover from that. IShowSpeed charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible. The rapper gets to the byline and floats one in for Logan Paul. Crossing is his bread and butter. Logan Paul launches the ball with his head off the delivery from Fanum, it flies wide. Agonising. CaseOh distributes short to Typical Gamer, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes.

Stoppage time, legs are heavy but hearts are burning bright. Fanum feeds Mark Rober in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. The inventor switches the play to Jynxzi, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. The youtuber bends the ball into the box for IShowSpeed. The kind of delivery that makes the difference in the big games.

The gaffer boots the door open and launches a water bottle across the dressing room. It explodes against the far wall and nobody flinches because they all know they deserve it. "What the bloody hell was that?!" he roars. Mark Rober stares at the floor. Cristiano Ronaldo cannot even look up. Absolute shambles. Inside info here — Angryginge insists on sitting in the same seat on the team bus, second row, window side. If anyone takes it, he stands in the aisle and stares at them until they move. At 25, he's earned that level of passive aggression. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 4455 and answer this question: 'Which colour was banned from Milton Keynes in 1987?' Here come the lads. CaseOh jogs out at the back of the group, quiet, focused, the game plan clear in {his} head. Time to deliver.

Brilliant interception from Logan Paul, he read the passer's intention before the ball even left his foot. Quick exchange between Logan Paul and Mark Rober, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Brilliant opening from Mark Rober for Cristiano Ronaldo, frees up the entire left flank. Cristiano Ronaldo tries a crossfield ball to Logan Paul but it is miles too long, the ball sails out. Nothing to salvage.

Diagonal from Fanum to Cristiano Ronaldo, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Careless distribution from Cristiano Ronaldo, the ball lands straight at an opponent's feet. The kind of pass that costs you. Free kick to the opponents. KSI caught his man with a stray leg. Deserved booking for KSI, raked his studs down the opponent's calf.

It's in the back of the net! Rio Malandro FC celebrate and our fans are gutted.

CaseOh finds the TV camera and kisses it like a long-lost love. IShowSpeed plays the jealous partner alongside. The live broadcast lingers for eight solid seconds, the commentators crying with laughter. The memes are already circulating before kickoff resumes.

The movie actor/actress launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll. Cristiano Ronaldo triggers a change of flanks for IShowSpeed, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Superb leap from IShowSpeed who wins the aerial duel hands down. The opposition striker can only watch from below.

Typical Gamer starts the one-two with Angryginge, the ball comes back in stride and it is done. Two touches, three yards gained. Cut-back along the ground from Typical Gamer on the right, Mark Rober picks it up centrally in front of goal. Massive chance. CaseOh stands firm! Reflexes worthy of a world class goalkeeper. The digital transformation consultant finds Fanum with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Backpass from Fanum goes completely wrong, the ball rolls to nobody and the opposition pounces on it.

Typical Gamer is treating a free-kick from thirty yards like it's a World Cup final. The streamer picks up a yellow for dissent. Should be setting a better example from that position. Typical Gamer drops the ball in from the free kick, IShowSpeed arrives at the near post. The rapper heads it but it goes over. In that position you have got to hit the target, but the intent was spot on.

Angryginge drops a lollipop in behind the defence, KSI read the play perfectly and finds himself one on one. The offside trap works a treat, KSI is caught out as Jynxzi plays the ball forward. CaseOh sparks the transition with a quick throw to Angryginge, the break is lightning fast. What a block! Angryginge slides in with impeccable timing and takes the ball away. That's defending at its finest.

It's done. Rio Malandro FC win, we lose, the table doesn't lie. Fanum and MrBeast walk out together, bags over shoulders, eyes on the floor. The security guard holds the door and says nothing. Outside, it's started raining. Of course it has. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Trevor Mildew-Parsnip, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which colour was banned from Milton Keynes in 1987?'. The answer was of course mauve, after a council vote determined it was too exciting for a town built entirely of roundabouts. Trevor wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

1-2 (L)

The streamer reads the play and puts in a textbook challenge. That's the sort of awareness you need in that position, and he's delivered it perfectly. Surging run from Fanum from the centre circle, he destroys everything in his path. What a spectacle. The streamer lobs the keeper with a SILKY touch! In that position, that kind of finish shows you have a football IQ above average. PERFECT lob, GOAL!

Knee slide for twenty yards, Fanum arms outstretched like a crucifix, face buried in the wet turf. Angryginge slides in alongside, they both crash into the hoardings. Wonderwall starts up from the stands, fifty thousand voices, goosebumps territory.

KSI opens up to Fanum on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Masterful aerial duel from Fanum, he gets above everyone and heads it clear. The attacker was left as a spectator.

MrBeast and Logan Paul combine on the corner, neat little one-two at the flag. Good run from Logan Paul who crosses to the near post for KSI. The defender is beaten to it. Poor cross from the rapper, the keeper collects. From that flank, you need more precision to cause damage.

GOAL! Istanbul Cehennem FK have netted! Their forward pounced on the loose ball. Clinical.

Breakaway at full throttle, the centre-backs are hopelessly out of position. MrBeast explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening. The youtuber finds KSI with a pull-back in the danger zone. The kind of decisive service that makes the difference at the highest level. KSI tries from distance and CRAAACKS it! On target but the keeper pushes it aside. Unlucky.

Mark Rober cannot even look at {his} teammates. {he} knows the mistake was {his}. The gaffer knows it too but does not single {him} out. Instead he addresses the room: "We win as a team, we lose as a team. Right now we are losing. So what are we going to do about it? Sit here and sulk, or go out there and fight?" Despite the wages, Mark Rober insists on a yearly caravan holiday in Skegness with the extended family. At 46 and 180, the lad folding into a caravan shower is described by teammates as 'physically heroic.' And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 4455 and answer this question: 'Which colour was banned from Milton Keynes in 1987?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Fanum wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

Logan Paul produces a sensational tackle in the box, wins the ball, no penalty shout. That takes serious courage. Lifesaving clearance from Logan Paul! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters. The digital transformation consultant finds Fanum with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Fanum looks up and launches a long pass towards KSI. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky.

They've nicked a goal! Istanbul Cehennem FK catch us cold on the break.

Free kick from Typical Gamer played as a cross, Jynxzi positions himself at the far post. Corner from Jynxzi, it's a MADHOUSE in the box! Three blocks, two ricochets, defense survives! Deflected shot from the movie actor/actress, the defender makes himself big. In that role, the technique was there but the block was perfect. Clearance from Jynxzi under pressure, the ball flies into touch on the far side. It is not in the coaching manual but it works.

Cristiano Ronaldo pings a ridiculous diagonal to IShowSpeed. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. IShowSpeed delivers from the byline, MrBeast is on the penalty spot, ready to finish. The cross from the youtuber ends up in the keeper's gloves. It happens to the best, but it is frustrating in that position. The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge. The rapper shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Typical Gamer. Pure quality, as per usual.

The inventor finds KSI along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Pass into space from KSI for Typical Gamer, played ahead of the pack. Anticipation makes the difference. The streamer strays just offside on Mark Rober's pass, the linesman raises his flag. Brutal. The game is frozen while VAR does its work. These seconds feel like an eternity. Something contentious — VAR rules out Mark Rober's goal without hesitation!

Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. Mark Rober attempts a through ball but it is cut out halfway. Far too obvious. Mark Rober goes to war in the opposition half and comes back with the ball. Pressing is a battle, and Mark Rober just won it.

The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. The streamer switches the play to Typical Gamer, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. The opponent dominates Typical Gamer in the air with worrying ease. Typical Gamer did not have the tools to compete on that one.

Typical Gamer sits in the dugout after everyone's gone inside, watching the empty pitch. CaseOh reappears with two cups of tea. They sit in silence, sipping, staring at the grass. "Same again Tuesday?" asks CaseOh. Typical Gamer almost smiles. Almost. Football goes on. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Trevor Mildew-Parsnip, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which colour was banned from Milton Keynes in 1987?'. The answer was of course mauve, after a council vote determined it was too exciting for a town built entirely of roundabouts. Trevor wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-1 (L)

Ten men in the box, this is the big all-in. CaseOh off his line, coming up for the last touch of the match. Cristiano Ronaldo dominates the defender in the air and meets it with his head! The ball flies into the net, GOAL!

Instead of whipping it in, Typical Gamer plays short to Angryginge, they want to build it up. Angryginge looks up and swings in a floated cross, KSI rises among the defenders. KSI sends his cross sailing over everyone, Logan Paul cannot even get close to it.

CaseOh finds Logan Paul with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money. Logan Paul makes a mess of a simple pass to KSI, the ball bobbles and ends up with the opposition. Rapid turnover and they're bearing down on goal, heart-in-mouth stuff. Absolute peach from Fanum, threading it through for IShowSpeed, the centre-halves are done for!

The team in a low block is impenetrable, every cross dealt with. Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. MrBeast fires wide, not far from the post though! Driven kick from CaseOh to Angryginge, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. The youtuber lays it off first time to Jynxzi, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre.

Gorgeous crossfield ball from Cristiano Ronaldo to Fanum, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow. Driven cross from Fanum into the box, Cristiano Ronaldo arrives at full pace at the near post. This smells like a goal. The cross from Cristiano Ronaldo clears the box entirely and goes straight out. Frustrating. Dead time on the pitch, both sides happy to keep it ticking over.

"I have seen enough sideways passing to last me a lifetime," the gaffer mutters, rubbing his temples. "We need to go forward. Direct. Purposeful. CaseOh, stop dropping deep. KSI, stop playing safe. I would rather we lose trying to win than draw playing like cowards." The words sting, but they are fair. Club sources confirm Typical Gamer has a standing order at the local chippy for a large cod, chips, curry sauce, and a pickled egg every Friday without exception. At 34, the 180-tall star calls it 'essential recovery nutrition.' And now, our TV game show Total Wipeout at the Buffet! To win an all-you-can-eat carvery voucher for the whole family, text 0800ROAST and answer: 'What is the maximum number of Yorkshire puddings one person can fit on a single plate?' Right then, part two. MrBeast adjusts {his} shin pads one last time and looks up. The floodlights catch the determination in {his} eyes. Forty-five minutes to make it count.

GOAL! Milano Piano-Piano have done the damage! Their number nine wheeled away in celebration.

CaseOh runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Typical Gamer joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it. Back to the keeper for the fifteenth time, fans have had enough. Superb pass from Logan Paul into the gap for KSI, the defender is rooted to the spot.

Jynxzi spreads it to KSI, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Sterile stuff this, pass after pass going nowhere fast. Typical Gamer strikes from 20 yards, good effort but it drifts just right. A touch too much curl.

The ball goes from side to side but there's no end product whatsoever. Typical Gamer tries his luck and BOOOOM it flies... wide. Brushed the post though, nearly had it. The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. Fanum switches the play to KSI on the far side, superb crossfield ball! KSI sprays the ball into no-man's land, the pass finds nobody. Wasteful stuff at this level.

CaseOh distributes by hand to IShowSpeed on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Blistering run from IShowSpeed on the wing, the defender is chasing but never catches up. The cross from IShowSpeed is way too long, it ends up in the arms of the goalkeeper. Lovely take from the digital transformation consultant! Aerial command nailed down, that is what you ask of a modern keeper, to rule his box. Clearance from the digital transformation consultant towards Cristiano Ronaldo, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too.

MrBeast whips the free kick into the box for KSI, dangerous delivery! KSI wins the battle in the air against the attacker, he took the elevator while everyone else took the stairs. Quick one-two between KSI and MrBeast, clean as you like, they are moving forward. The youtuber presses high and forces the defender into an error. In that position, the ability to recover the ball that high up changes the entire complexion of a match.

Level score. Cristiano Ronaldo screams at the sky out of frustration — we were leading at half time. IShowSpeed boots a stray training ball as far as he can, just to let it out. The ref watches, doesn't love it, lets it go. Everyone understands. Gary from Sheffield says seven Yorkshire puddings is the absolute minimum and anyone who says fewer is not to be trusted. Carvery voucher for Gary! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-0 (W)

Through ball from the rapper for Typical Gamer, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite. GOOOOOAL for Typical Gamer! On the genius pass from MrBeast, he beats the keeper with a placed finish, MAGNIFICENT!

What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere. KSI slides a beauty through the gap, Fanum is away, the timing is absolutely spot on.

Angryginge reads the game like nobody else, he cuts out the cross-field pass and launches a counter immediately. The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. JUST WIIIIIDE from Jynxzi! Right idea but it slides past the far post by inches.

Monster clearance from CaseOh, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Cristiano Ronaldo. Overlap from Cristiano Ronaldo with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel. The referee pulls play back for a foul by Cristiano Ronaldo. Held the opponent back by the arm. The ref reaches for yellow, Cristiano Ronaldo has been pushing his luck with foul after foul.

Fanum rolls it to Angryginge, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Step-overs from Angryginge, the defender has lost the ball completely. The youtuber finds MrBeast along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. MrBeast gets to the byline and drills a low cut-back, Jynxzi is there to meet it. CaseOh dives and repels the effort! World class stop, the crowd are on their feet.

The coach gathers the lads round: "Listen, we are in a great position. But this lot do not lie down, so keep your heads screwed on." Typical Gamer claps once, loud, and shouts "Come on then!" like {he} is leading the charge at Agincourt. The energy is electric. These lads are well up for the second half. Bit of a scoop for you — CaseOh plays Sunday league football under a fake name during the off-season. Goes by 'Dave from Accounts' and plays centre-mid for the Dog and Duck. At 28, the man just loves the game. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 5566 and answer this question: 'What did the last pigeon to leave Trafalgar Square write in its resignation letter?' Whistle. Ball. Movement. Jynxzi is on it from the very first second, demanding the pass, pointing, shouting. The longest forty-five minutes of the evening start now.

OH NO! KSI thought he'd scored from IShowSpeed's through ball but the assistant has flagged for offside! Complete uncertainty in the stadium, VAR has been called in, nobody is breathing. The hearts sink — VAR denies Cristiano Ronaldo's goal! What a moment of agony! Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill.

That's a beauty from Angryginge! Slides across the turf and takes the ball off the attacker's boot. Clinical defending. Possession flipped in a heartbeat, textbook transition football. Typical Gamer overlaps on the wing with frightening ease, the defender is made to look silly. Typical Gamer crosses from the wing, the ball flies across the box like a missile and Mark Rober is there to meet it. The cross from Mark Rober is gathered by the keeper without the slightest difficulty. Pointless.

Lovely use of the ball by Angryginge, finding Cristiano Ronaldo in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Overlap on the left from Cristiano Ronaldo, floated cross towards Typical Gamer who rises highest at the far post. The streamer wins the aerial duel with authority. In that position, heading is the foundation, and he has just reminded everyone why he starts. Good ball from the streamer to MrBeast, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does.

Quick combination between KSI and MrBeast, give and go, the defender did not see it coming. Offside trap catches KSI out. MrBeast played it quickly but not quickly enough. CaseOh opts for the short option to Fanum, keeping possession, building play, no panic. The streamer finds MrBeast along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average.

Great vision from Mark Rober who switches to MrBeast. The defence pivots, but they are too late. Dreadful pass from MrBeast, lands three yards away from the target. Mark Rober can do nothing with that. Fanum sprints at the defender and pinches the ball right off his toes. Aggressive pressing, decisive recovery. The streamer finds Logan Paul along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Body feint from Logan Paul, the defender slides the wrong way. That is embarrassing for the marker.

Final whistle! Logan Paul bear-hugs the gaffer so hard he nearly lifts him off the ground. IShowSpeed is doing keep-ups in the centre circle for the fans. The dressing room's going to be a war zone of champagne and bad singing tonight. Sevilla Olé-Olé won't want to watch the highlights. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Reginald Flump, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What did the last pigeon to leave Trafalgar Square write in its resignation letter?'. The answer was of course 'I can no longer work in these conditions, the tourists are unbearable and Nelson never says thank you'. Reginald wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-2 (L)

Typical Gamer uses Logan Paul as a wall, the ball pings back like off a squash court wall. Timing is everything. GOOOOAL for Typical Gamer! ABSOLUTE SCREAMER, the keeper dives at thin air, the ball ends up in the back of the net!

Fanum throws himself into the tackle and comes out with the ball. That's pure desire, that is. Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality. SHOOOOT from the youtuber! On target but saved by the keeper. In that role, those kind of efforts put the defence under serious pressure.

GOAL for München Ordnung-Muss-Sein! A sucker punch on the counter. We committed too many forward.

Key pass from Mark Rober! It fizzes between the lines and IShowSpeed collects on the run, the defence is left for dead. The flag goes up against IShowSpeed. He was leaning offside when Angryginge struck the pass. Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. MrBeast pings a long diagonal to Mark Rober, completely shifts the point of attack.

Rabona from MrBeast, the audacity of the skill and the crowd wants more. The youtuber roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head. The youtuber whips in a classic cross for Mark Rober in the box. When you have got that delivery from the flank, you cause havoc.

"You are having a laugh, aren't you?" The gaffer's voice drips with sarcasm. "Honestly, I thought I was watching a different team out there. Typical Gamer, you have barely touched the ball. CaseOh, you have given it away six times. SIX TIMES. We are getting absolutely battered and you lot look like you could not care less." A scouting report from Fanum's youth days says — and I quote — 'technically raw, but can eat a full Sunday roast in under eight minutes.' That kind of efficiency translates to the pitch. He's now 29 and hasn't slowed down at the dinner table. And now, our TV game show QI: Quite Irrelevant! To win a Thermos flask and a waterproof hat, text 5012 and answer: 'How many different words do British people have for light rain?' The PA announces the restart and the stadium comes alive. CaseOh is already in position, feet planted, shoulders square. Locked and loaded.

The whole team steps up to smother the build-up, the opposition is gasping. MrBeast mistimes the tackle and catches the opponent's shin. Free kick. The youtuber is cautioned for accumulated fouls. A booking in that position could cost the team dearly. Nice combination started by the youtuber from the free kick. In that position, knowing when to shoot and when to play it short makes you a real threat at every dead ball. Jynxzi has a crack and BAAANG! Wide but the ball kissed the post on the way out.

CaseOh plays it short to Logan Paul, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Logan Paul sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced.

Angryginge with a trademark slide tackle, gets the ball and pops straight back up. The fans are on their feet! Counter-attack fires off the blocks, blistering pace from the front three.

Lovely cross from the youtuber on the free kick! In that position, when you have got that kind of delivery, you become the set piece specialist. Mark Rober wins his aerial duel with fierce determination, he outmuscles the attacker and comes away with possession.

Cristiano Ronaldo picks up the ball, looks around, puts it down, picks it up again. Nervy stuff. Yellow card for Cristiano Ronaldo, been in the referee's ear all match and that's the consequence. The free kick from Cristiano Ronaldo is superb, it picks out Mark Rober unmarked in the box. Mark Rober climbs above everyone and powers a header... wide. What a waste.

Oh it's gone in! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

CaseOh mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. MrBeast plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. CaseOh plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

Sublime through ball from IShowSpeed for MrBeast who ghosts between the two centre-backs. The line is broken. The digital transformation consultant dives at the ball and wins the duel. In that position, when you have that bravery, you are a true number one. CaseOh smashes a volley towards Cristiano Ronaldo, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper.

Mark Rober sits in the dugout after everyone's gone inside, watching the empty pitch. Typical Gamer reappears with two cups of tea. They sit in silence, sipping, staring at the grass. "Same again Tuesday?" asks Typical Gamer. Mark Rober almost smiles. Almost. Football goes on. Patricia from Norwich says at least thirty-seven words including spitting, mizzle, and a bit damp. Thermos and hat for Patricia! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

1-1 (L)

Lobbed cross from IShowSpeed, it sails over the entire back four and Fanum is there behind. Brilliant. Fanum executes a PERFECT scissor kick! The cross from Typical Gamer arrives, he coordinates his body to PERFECTION and sends the ball into the far top corner! GOAL! Standing ovation, even from the opposition!

IShowSpeed weaves through London Three-Pints's defenders to reach his own fans, waving his arms to whip up the stand. Every step is chanted. Cristiano Ronaldo screams 'COME OOOON!' next to him. World Cup final vibes in a league match.

Jynxzi does not let up and steals the ball right from the defender's feet. The youtuber cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for Fanum. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat. Fanum launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever.

The corner from KSI is cut out at the near post by a defender, no danger. IShowSpeed boots it into touch with a last-ditch sliding clearance, the effort is desperate but it does the business. The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. Cristiano Ronaldo shifts it to Fanum with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Fanum sends the defender the wrong way with a stepover, that is technically brutal.

Crucial intervention from the streamer, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on. The streamer finds the gap that nobody else saw and puts Mark Rober clean through. Pure genius from that position. The flag denies Mark Rober, offside by a toe on Fanum's pass. Absolutely devastating!

The youtuber slides in with a perfect tackle and wins the ball. That's exactly the kind of intervention you want from someone in that position. The youtuber hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did. We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition.

The boss wipes the board clean and draws a completely new shape. "We are going 4-3-3. Mark Rober, you go left. Typical Gamer, tuck inside." The players exchange nervous looks. Changing the system at halftime means the gaffer is not happy. Not happy at all. The mood is like waiting for exam results. Planning records show Fanum's neighbours filed a noise complaint after the 29-year-old installed a full-size goal in the back garden and practised penalties at half six in the morning. The fence has never recovered. And now, our TV game show Homes Under the Hammer Price! To win a doorknob from a house that needed a lot of work, text 0800FIXER and answer: 'What does a lot of potential mean in estate agent language?' And they are off! Angryginge touches the ball first and lays it wide. The tempo is up already. Whatever the gaffer said at halftime, it has done the trick.

Fanum intercepts in the opposition half, he read the play three seconds before anyone else. That is defensive caviar. Counter from their own goal, and all that just to butcher the cross. Typical Gamer picks his spot and SHOOTS! Wide of the near post, genuinely not far off.

Unbelievable! London Three-Pints score from nowhere. Their striker just smashed it in.

The block resists valiantly, not a single chance conceded. CaseOh smothers the ball at the attacker's feet! Surgical rush, duel won. CaseOh boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Logan Paul! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Logan Paul unleashes a raking ball out to Typical Gamer, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer.

Emergency clearance from the streamer, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play. Horizontal possession, never a ball that breaks the lines. Good ball from the inventor to Jynxzi, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Jynxzi absolutely butchers that pass, straight into the feet of the opposition. Transition at warp speed, four passes and they're in the box.

Massive clearance from the movie actor/actress under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. The opposition has eleven behind the ball and a smile on their face. Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. Short pass from the youtuber to Logan Paul, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. The movie actor/actress plays the one-two with Cristiano Ronaldo and finds himself through. When you have got that understanding on the pitch, you cause havoc.

The corner from KSI is snuffed out by the defence, a defender clears at the near post. Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered. MrBeast takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race.

Share of the spoils. Cristiano Ronaldo walks off puffing out his cheeks, not quite sure how he feels. IShowSpeed throws an arm round him: "A point's a point, mate." The two squads mingle in the tunnel, polite handshakes all round. London Three-Pints probably walk away happier than we do. Pauline from Wakefield says a lot of potential means the roof is missing and there may be foxes living in the bathroom. Doorknob for Pauline! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.