My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇦🇺

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

85-129 (L)

Cold blooded from Detroit Engine-Roar, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

You do not put the other team in the bonus this early. Michael Jordan has to be smarter than contact that never had a chance at the ball. One last reach-in from Michael Jordan, the whistle blows, and he is already walking before the official even reports it.

Clean feed from Michael Jordan, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Day job, then this: the scientist reads a rolling big like a coach with twenty years on the bench. That is a throwback bucket: Stephen Curry with his back to the basket, and the defense has absolutely no answer for it.

Stephen Curry cups a hand to his ear and turns a slow full circle, milking every section. The upper deck answers louder than the lower bowl, so he points up there and nods. LeBron James joins the spin. Forty seconds of noise before anybody inbounds the ball.

More second chance points for Detroit Engine-Roar, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Give the man credit for the effort, because Stephen Curry contested that from three feet behind, which is technically a contest. Illegal, and expensive. The military robot gets the goaltending call and the basket counts. Long day at the office, longer night under the rim.

That's a wrap for now. Michael Jordan dives into the tunnel. Word is Michael Jordan sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. And now, our halftime TV game show Last Call Bingo! To win a lifetime pass to a museum of regional soil, text HOOPS to 555-0150 and answer this question: 'How many people does it take to change a light bulb in a scoreboard?' The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Stephen Curry drops it off to Michael Jordan on time and on target. From WAY downtown off the pop! Michael Jordan with the extra pass and CASH. Stephen Curry rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

Not an inch to spare on the endline, but Michael Jordan keeps both feet in bounds and the help gets there a beat too late. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and Michael Jordan is walking back with both hands on his head.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Detroit Engine-Roar with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Screen, pop, SPLASH! Stephen Curry kicks it out and that thing never touched iron. The military robot had that thing halfway down and the rim spat it back out. Nobody ever warns you that the iron has a personality.

Rejected by the scheme, not the athlete. LeBron James was simply standing exactly where the offense wanted to be. Filthy defense from LeBron James. He never touched a thing and he still won the possession.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Detroit Engine-Roar, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

There is nothing accidental about that one. LeBron James hunted the contact, sold it, and bought himself a trip to the stripe. Three dribbles, a deep breath, a nice smooth release from LeBron James, and then a whole lot of nothing.

Michael Jordan splits the coverage with a bounce pass you need slow motion to appreciate. Dimes. Nobody expects touch like that from the scientist, but that floater had more feel than half the starting guards in the league.

Hulk finds the courtside camera lens, leans all the way in and says absolutely nothing. Just breathes on it. Eight seconds of national television filled by one enormous face. Michael Jordan photobombs with crossed eyes, and the clip runs on every highlight show by midnight.

Dagger from Detroit Engine-Roar. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Push the pace! Stephen Curry grabs it and hits LeBron James in stride before the defense can even match up. Down screen, and LeBron James curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. Rim out for LeBron James, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

LeBron James mutters 'damn' under his breath. Stephen Curry says 'yeah' in the same tone. And here is the answer to our game Last Call Bingo! Leon Poteet of Fence Post, Hawaii, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many people does it take to change a light bulb in a scoreboard?' The answer was of course four, plus one man who insists he could have done it alone. Leon takes home a lifetime pass to a museum of regional soil! On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

119-106 (W)

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Stephen Curry has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Hulk precisely where the play wanted it. A cut with that timing from the scientist? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. Hulk had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

Watch the spacing there, LeBron James hits Hulk right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. Hulk comes off the screen and the big man drops WAY back. LeBron James just fades to the arc for the cleanest look of the night. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! LeBron James builds the whole thing from nothing. No screen, no help, three points.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Miami Heart-Attack in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Security is lining the baseline now, order is coming back, and Michael Jordan takes that long walk as the crowd howls.

Ball moves. Stephen Curry to Terminator, on time and on target. Terminator turns the corner off the screen from LeBron James, the help never rotates, and the lane is WIDE open! OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! LeBron James never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! OHHHH that is SILKY! LeBron James with the teardrop, and it kisses through.

LeBron James mimes putting a whole section to sleep, hands folded against his cheek, eyes shut. He is facing the Miami Heart-Attack fans who paid for the good seats. They boo. He nods along with the boos, which somehow makes the home crowd louder.

Finally a breather. Michael Jordan has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. Anecdote: Michael Jordan once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. And now, our halftime TV game show Tic-Tac-Dough-Nut! To win a decorative outhouse birdhouse with no hole in it, text HOOPS to 555-0367 and answer this question: 'What time is it inside a microwave that has said 12:00 for eleven years?' Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.

Nobody gambles less and steals more than Michael Jordan. He does not reach, he anticipates, and that is the whole difference. The pass is the play here. Michael Jordan never even puts the ball on the floor, he just throws it and lets the runners eat. Count it AND the foul! Terminator refused to be denied at the rim.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Stephen Curry controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Off the pin-down comes the military robot with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. Rim, backboard, none of the above from the military robot! Ladies and gentlemen, that is a person with a real job, and we have all just been reminded of it.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Miami Heart-Attack with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Michael Jordan flies at a jump shooter thirty feet from the rim and lands on his hip. Three shots coming. OHHHH the whistle! Number five on Michael Jordan, and this bench cannot believe what it just saw.

Hulk gets driven under the rim and the offensive board goes the other way. Fresh shot clock for them.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Stephen Curry already has the defense a full step behind. Michael Jordan rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. The whistle blows, the crowd erupts, and Michael Jordan hangs on the iron just long enough to make his point.

The too-small gesture, aimed straight at the Miami Heart-Attack bench, both hands measuring an inch of air. Their coach is out of his chair and onto the officials. Michael Jordan keeps the pose, unblinking, backpedaling all the way. The arena hits a decibel level that clips the broadcast mics.

OHHHH the tension! Nobody is sitting, nobody is blinking, all of it rides on Stephen Curry. Freeze it right there: leather glued to the fingers of Stephen Curry, horn already screaming. No basket.

LeBron James improvises an Oscar acceptance speech. Stephen Curry plays the imaginary violin. And here is the answer to our game Tic-Tac-Dough-Nut! Cletus Vandersnoot of Half Moon Ditch, Iowa, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What time is it inside a microwave that has said 12:00 for eleven years?' The answer was of course whatever time the power went out in 1994. Cletus takes home a decorative outhouse birdhouse with no hole in it! My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

105-96 (W)

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Michael Jordan just did it by hitting Terminator on the back side with acres of room. The military robot just handed that one straight to the other team. Hey, nobody is perfect at two jobs at once.

Michael Jordan kicks it over to Stephen Curry, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Terminator sets it and slides out instead of rolling, Stephen Curry finds him late, and the defense pays for cheating under the screen. Jab, jab, STEPBACK. Terminator snatched his ankles and let it go clean.

Terminator sets an invisible crown on his own head, adjusts it twice, and carries the thing off like it weighs forty pounds. The Orlando Magic-Beans bench does not find it funny. Stephen Curry pounds the crown down with one fist and steers him away before the technical arrives.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Michael Jordan makes it every single trip down the floor. That crossover was not about getting a shot up. Hulk pulled it out to tell everybody in the gym whose possession this is. Watch the footwork from Hulk: one-two into the paint, no charge, feathery touch off the glass. Filthy craft.

Hulk freezes in his follow-through, wrist still hanging, and holds it while the Orlando Magic-Beans coach burns a timeout out of pure desperation. He holds it through the whistle. He holds it into the huddle. The cameras eat every single second of it.

No hero ball here: Stephen Curry takes what the defense gives and moves it along. Hulk holds it, waits, waits some more, then lets it go at the last possible instant to LeBron James flying by. That is a half-second window and he threads it. That is the shot LeBron James wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

Bucket for Orlando Magic-Beans. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Break time. Michael Jordan bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Exclusive: Michael Jordan was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. And now, our halftime TV game show Whistle While You Guess! To win a five year supply of individually wrapped mints from a bank lobby, text HOOPS to 555-1291 and answer this question: 'How many times does a referee blink during a single overtime period?' The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.

SKIP PASS! Stephen Curry fires it cross court to Michael Jordan and the defense is dead in the water! Hard drive, hard stop, and Michael Jordan retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. Michael Jordan gets to his spot in the lane, lifts the runner over the big man, and leaves it a foot short. No dice.

Trapped on the sideline with Stephen Curry closing the door, and that is a five-second nightmare in the making. You will never find it in a box score, but Terminator just flipped that entire trip down the floor with one hand. OHHHH the speed of Hulk! Nobody in this building was catching him.

Down by the baseline, Hulk points at the arena DJ, who obliges with the loudest thing in the catalog. The whole lower bowl is up. Terminator is dancing badly and fully aware of it. The Orlando Magic-Beans coach signals for time and gets ignored by his own players.

Stephen Curry crosses, crosses back, the defender slides half a step the wrong way and the whole arena lets out the same OHHHH. Blocked into the floor. Stephen Curry will be seeing that one in his sleep.

Turnover, layup, Orlando Magic-Beans straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how LeBron James breaks a shell down. Handoff, turn the corner, BUCKET! Stephen Curry did all the dirty work on that one. Watch the feet on Terminator there, still drifting sideways at the release, and that is exactly why the floater sails wide left of everything.

This is the counter: Stephen Curry punished a defense that kept going under, and now they have to rip up the game plan. OHHHH, the cylinder rejects the military robot! Somewhere a whole workplace just yelled at a television. Nobody put a body on Michael Jordan and he made them pay, tipping it to himself and coming down with two hands in the trees. BAAAANG! Michael Jordan rips the offensive board and puts it right back through!

Stephen Curry gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because LeBron James saw it a beat early. Give and go! Stephen Curry gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! OHHHH, that one died in the air! Stephen Curry put nothing into it and the front rim eats the floater.

Terminator and Stephen Curry swap jerseys with each other. Makes no sense but it's the emotion talking. And here is the answer to our game show Whistle While You Guess! Wilma Jean Puckett of Sorghum Switch, Kansas, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many times does a referee blink during a single overtime period?' The answer was of course exactly 1,412 times, and 1,413 if the arena air conditioning is broken. Wilma Jean therefore wins a five year supply of individually wrapped mints from a bank lobby! I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

115-100 (W)

Small thing, a jump ball, but Hulk winning that tip means we set the tone. Coaches script that first play for a reason.

Not a bite on the pump fake, Terminator stays tall, and the floater dies on the iron.

Set called, Michael Jordan waved out to the corner, and Stephen Curry watches the spacing open up like a front door. Hesitate, GO. Michael Jordan is by that hip before the man even blinks. Perfect drop-off from Terminator, and Michael Jordan answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

Philadelphia Injury-Report again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The bench is up, the defender is begging for help, and Michael Jordan keeps walking into the same spot and cashing. From WAY downtown! Michael Jordan launched that one from the parking lot!

Michael Jordan climbs two rows into the stands and gets swallowed by strangers. He comes back out with somebody's cap on backward and a smear of nacho cheese on his shoulder. LeBron James refuses to touch him. This building has never been happier about anything.

Buzzer sounds, halftime! Terminator walks head down toward the tunnel. Exclusive: Terminator was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. And now, our halftime TV game show Family Feudal! To win a five-gallon bucket of assorted screws from a stranger's garage, text HOOPS to 555-0263 and answer this question: 'What color is a school bus at two in the morning?' Back on the floor, faces full of determination.

Watch the spacing, Stephen Curry drags two bodies toward the ball and Hulk is standing alone behind the line. Geometry, not luck. Straight back to the office for the scientist, and the group chat has already seen it twice.

One little shoulder dip from Michael Jordan and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. Soft touch from Michael Jordan, the floater drops right over the big man. Cash.

Working him at the top of the key, low dribble, low dribble, then Stephen Curry rips it across and his man lunges at a ghost. Stephen Curry takes two dribbles past halfcourt, rises from thirty five feet, and the net barely moves. Filthy.

Cold blooded from Philadelphia Injury-Report, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

The help defender committed way too early, and Michael Jordan made him pay for it with a spin they will be replaying all week. OHHHH! Michael Jordan absorbs the hammer in midair, hangs, finishes, then walks to the line and cashes the extra one.

Bent double with his hands on his knees, Michael Jordan takes one breath, straightens up and points at the coach who drew the play in the huddle. The coach nods once, no smile. Hulk pounds the man's shoulder anyway. Respect, delivered at maximum volume.

CHARGE! LeBron James plants the feet and takes that freight train straight to the chest!

No roll this time. Stephen Curry swings it right back to Terminator above the break, and it is PURE. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Terminator!

Terminator and LeBron James swing Hulk around by his arms like a carousel. He looks sick. And here is the answer to our game Family Feudal! Randy Dinkins of Sockburn, Ohio, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What color is a school bus at two in the morning?' The answer was of course still yellow, but it means something different. Randy takes home a five-gallon bucket of assorted screws from a stranger's garage! Tonight I learned Terminator used to be a scientist before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

112-98 (W)

Both guys crouch, both guys go, and it is Hulk who wins the little argument at center court.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and LeBron James threw it before the help even committed. Read, screen, delivery, right on the money. A scientist making the right pass every single time, and the league is taking notes. Getting to his spot and elevating, Terminator puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

Unselfish basketball. Michael Jordan passes up a good shot and hands Terminator a GREAT one. Pull-up from the elbow by Terminator, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

Winning basketball right there: Stephen Curry knocks the swing pass off course and that offense has to run it back from the top. Rebound, look, gone. Hulk to Terminator and this is a footrace now. HAMMER! Terminator goes right through the trees and throws it DOWN with the foul!

Swing, swing, and LeBron James finds Hulk on the wing before the help can even turn its head. The extra pass! Hulk had the look, gave it up anyway, and LeBron James buries it. BANG! It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on LeBron James. Cruel.

Halftime. Michael Jordan is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Did you know Michael Jordan keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. And now, our halftime TV game show The Dating Game Winner Gets Nothing! To win a bowling ball with the initials of a total stranger drilled into it, text HOOPS to 555-0698 and answer this question: 'How many rows back can you sit before the players become rumors?' The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.

OHHHH the hesi! Stephen Curry froze him solid and he is already gone! AIRBALL! Stephen Curry missed the rim, the backboard and everything in between!

Cold blooded from Phoenix No-Defense, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

STOP AND GO! Michael Jordan hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. Whistle! Michael Jordan got hacked on the way up. Two shots coming. No wasted motion at all from Michael Jordan. Both free throws split the net and the scoreboard ticks over twice.

So close. Stephen Curry can only stare at the iron. The shot is short, and Terminator is the only man moving. He rips it out of the crowd and the possession lives. Up over the box out, and Terminator catches it clean and finishes strong through the contact. Somebody just got posterized.

Three fingers up, walking backward the length of the floor, Terminator never once looks at the basket he just drained. The bench mob is off the seats, towels overhead, security waving them back down. Nobody sits. Nobody in here is going to sit again tonight.

Turnover, layup, Phoenix No-Defense straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Michael Jordan eats the contact so Stephen Curry can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. Long and gone. Stephen Curry floats the teardrop over everything and bangs it off the back iron.

Huddle is tight, marker squeaking on the board, and Stephen Curry is already nodding before the coach finishes the sentence. BANG! Exactly the play on the clipboard: Hulk to Stephen Curry, catch and rise.

Bow to the crowd, a full waist bend with one arm across the stomach, the whole theatrical thing. Stephen Curry holds it three seconds. Hulk applauds behind him like a valet. Somebody in row two throws a bouquet of obviously fake roses onto the floor, and Stephen Curry collects every last one.

Terminator performs an absolutely ridiculous victory dance. Stephen Curry imitates it. It's worse. And here is the answer to our game show The Dating Game Winner Gets Nothing! Sharlene Boggs of Muleshoe Corner, Ohio, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many rows back can you sit before the players become rumors?' The answer was of course row thirty one, and after that it is basically folklore. Sharlene therefore wins a bowling ball with the initials of a total stranger drilled into it! While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

99-98 (W)

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Los Angeles Nursing-Home with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Watch the sell from Michael Jordan here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. Down, up, and gone for Michael Jordan. The rim is just toying with him now.

The drive gets a step, Terminator stays down, waits for the release, and hammers it off the glass. One hand, full court, Terminator hits LeBron James in stride and the crowd is already up. The help defender had position, leverage, everything but a chance. LeBron James rose straight over the top of him, and one.

Stone silence for one second, then LeBron James lets out something that is not really a word, more a sound from the basement of a human being. Hulk answers with the same noise. The arena joins in. There is no language left in this building.

Unsportsmanlike foul on LeBron James, and this one costs double.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Los Angeles Nursing-Home in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

The players leave the court. Terminator clings to the tunnel railing. They say Terminator eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. And now, our halftime TV game show The Gong Show Kazoo Edition! To win a jug of homemade hot sauce labeled only with a warning, text HOOPS to 555-0129 and answer this question: 'What is the correct way to pronounce the name on a jersey that nobody can read?' The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.

Rising up out of the corner, Stephen Curry sends it LONG, clanging off the far side and out to the wing. Muscled away at the second jump by Stephen Curry, and this offense resets with a fresh shot clock. Kick out to Stephen Curry, one more to Hulk, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. The scientist just dropped a teardrop over a seven footer. Soft hands must run in that trade!

Hulk finds the courtside camera lens, leans all the way in and says absolutely nothing. Just breathes on it. Eight seconds of national television filled by one enormous face. Terminator photobombs with crossed eyes, and the clip runs on every highlight show by midnight.

Laser from LeBron James, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Hulk comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! Textbook footwork, textbook release from Hulk, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

Ball moves. LeBron James to Hulk, on time and on target. Hulk gives it up to Michael Jordan on the move, the built-in screen erases the chase, and there is a clean runway to the rim. That is the shot Michael Jordan wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

Total control. Stephen Curry has this thing on a string. The military robot reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. Pull-up from the elbow by Terminator, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

Stephen Curry walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. Watch the change of pace from Terminator, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. That is a dime from LeBron James that deserved so much better, and Terminator knows it, head down, jogging back before the ball even lands.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Michael Jordan has known that all night long. Hulk feels the contact, spins off that shoulder, and the defender is left hugging a whole lot of nothing. Oh my. Hulk did not even draw iron.

Watch how they bury Stephen Curry in the corner on the inbound. Nothing happens until he moves, and by then the defense is beaten. Ice in his veins. Stephen Curry has taken that shot ten thousand times in an empty gym, and it looked exactly the same right there.

The noise climbs past whatever the building was engineered for, and Stephen Curry uses it to kneel down and retie a shoe that was already tied. Double knot, no hurry, eyes on the laces. Terminator stands over him like a bodyguard while somewhere down there a coach calls a play into a hurricane and loses.

Stephen Curry pretends to faint from happiness. Michael Jordan pretends to call 911. And here is the answer to our game The Gong Show Kazoo Edition! Homer Blevins of Lost Wallet, Massachusetts, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the correct way to pronounce the name on a jersey that nobody can read?' The answer was of course however the grandmother in row four says it. Homer takes home a jug of homemade hot sauce labeled only with a warning! During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

126-96 (W)

Rising into two defenders, LeBron James launches a jumper that finds nothing but backboard and bad decisions. Another extra possession courtesy of the military robot, a man who evidently boxes out at work too. Some habits do not clock out. Terminator drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. Perfect arc. Michael Jordan makes seven feet of rim protection completely irrelevant.

Shimmy from the corner all the way to half court, shoulders loose, chin high. Michael Jordan is in no hurry whatsoever. The home bench tries to copy it and produces something closer to a seizure. The building decides it loves both versions equally.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Toronto Border-Patrol with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Awful shot by LeBron James with eleven still on the shot clock, off the front rim and out to the wing. You want to know why this team keeps winning the possession battle? LeBron James treats every miss like it belongs to him. Miss, tip, bucket. LeBron James makes his living in the wreckage.

OHHHH, what a read by Stephen Curry! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. BAAAANG! Hulk drills the three AND gets hammered! The four point play is ON.

Look how low LeBron James keeps that shoulder on the drive, that is how you turn a sliver of space into a walk to the rim. Stephen Curry threads a BEAUTY to LeBron James under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

The players head to the locker room. Michael Jordan is sweating like a racehorse. Little secret: Michael Jordan has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. And now, our halftime TV game show Password Please Try Again! To win an exercise machine holding the same folded laundry since 2009, text HOOPS to 555-0891 and answer this question: 'What do you call the fifth quarter if nobody agrees it happened?' Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.

The whistle goes, the crew huddles at the monitor, and LeBron James gets the thumb, flagrant two, straight to the locker room.

Ball moves. LeBron James to Stephen Curry, on time and on target. Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Stephen Curry makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. In, around, and gone. The iron gives LeBron James nothing.

Over the top of everybody. LeBron James to Stephen Curry in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Screened, toasted, done. Stephen Curry is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, Stephen Curry goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard.

More second chance points for Toronto Border-Patrol, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Michael Jordan put that man in a blender and the third row felt it! REJECTED! Michael Jordan takes it in and gets it sent straight back into his own chest.

Michael Jordan launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. The beauty of it is that LeBron James never has to set a screen at all, the exchange IS the screen. Nightmare to guard. Reverse layup by Michael Jordan, using the rim as a shield the whole way through. A circus act wrapped around textbook footwork.

Bent double with his hands on his knees, Michael Jordan takes one breath, straightens up and points at the coach who drew the play in the huddle. The coach nods once, no smile. Stephen Curry pounds the man's shoulder anyway. Respect, delivered at maximum volume.

Careless stuff from Stephen Curry. That is a free trip to the line for a steal that was never happening. FIVE on Stephen Curry. One more and his night is finished.

Stephen Curry improvises an Oscar acceptance speech. Terminator plays the imaginary violin. And here is the answer to our game show Password Please Try Again! Curtis Pruitt of Bent Spoon, Utah, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What do you call the fifth quarter if nobody agrees it happened?' The answer was of course the honor quarter, and the score from it is kept exclusively by uncles. Curtis therefore wins an exercise machine holding the same folded laundry since 2009! During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

123-92 (W)

Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from Stephen Curry. BAAAANG! Stephen Curry catches it and lets it FLY, nothing but net from the corner!

Cold blooded from Minnesota Ice-Wall, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Stephen Curry drops it off to Michael Jordan on time and on target. Here comes the slip from Stephen Curry, and Michael Jordan reads it a half second before anybody else in the building. Soft off the fingertips, the ball takes a full lap of the rim on Stephen Curry, and spits straight back out. That is theft.

You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and LeBron James gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. From eight feet Michael Jordan puts way too much on it, and the ball clears the rim entirely.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how LeBron James breaks a shell down. Beautiful pass by Hulk. Wrong jersey.

Break. Terminator collapses next to the vending machine. Anecdote: Terminator threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. And now, our halftime TV game show Fear Factor Free Throws! To win a truck bed liner for a truck nobody in the family owns, text HOOPS to 555-0952 and answer this question: 'How many miles does a coach pace during a close game?' Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Minnesota Ice-Wall with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Right through the window. Stephen Curry to LeBron James on the roll, and the help was a half step late. OHHHHH POSTERIZED! LeBron James just ENDED that defender at the rim!

The press is doing its job: with Michael Jordan taking away the middle, this offense is starting its sets with eight on the shot clock. Eight on the shot clock, Stephen Curry gets a piece of the entry, and the whole set is dead on arrival. Wide open runway! Michael Jordan gets to the rim before the defense even crosses halfcourt!

Blowing smoke off two fingers like a gunslinger, Michael Jordan holsters them in his waistband. Stephen Curry plays dead on the baseline. The mascot joins the bit uninvited. A referee has to physically separate a celebration from an inbound play.

The defender crowded the middle, and Michael Jordan punished him along the baseline like it was drawn up in the huddle. AROUND the cylinder and OUT! Michael Jordan cannot believe it, and neither can this building.

Clean feed from Michael Jordan, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way LeBron James does. Up goes the shot from LeBron James and that is nothing but AIR, and every soul in this building saw it happen.

Watch the spacing there, Michael Jordan hits Stephen Curry right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. The big rolls, the defense collapses, and Stephen Curry punishes it with a read most guys never even see. The military robot launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

Shot clock at one, and LeBron James just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing. Hustle play of the night so far. LeBron James gave up his ribs for one extra possession and the bench is on its feet. Second pass beats the rotation, LeBron James to Michael Jordan, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. OHHHH the POWER! Michael Jordan took the hit and finished it anyway!

Shoving match at the scorer's table, except it is between Terminator and an assistant coach who both want to hug Michael Jordan first. Michael Jordan lets them sort it out. The trainer has given up on protecting anybody. Somebody's clipboard is already on the floor.

Michael Jordan cries tears of joy in Hulk's arms. Terminator is also crying but nobody knows why. And here is the answer to our game show Fear Factor Free Throws! Charlene Bumgarner of Hushpuppy Ridge, New Hampshire, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many miles does a coach pace during a close game?' The answer was of course two point six miles, all of it inside a nine foot box. Charlene therefore wins a truck bed liner for a truck nobody in the family owns! Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

102-97 (W)

Terminator controls the tip, and the offense gets to run its first set on schedule. Little edges like that stack up over forty-eight minutes.

Beautiful footwork on that one from Michael Jordan, the pivot foot never budges, which is precisely why the whistle stays in the pocket. Michael Jordan pump fakes, gets the defender airborne, and walks right into his chest. Free throws. First one drops clean through, the second one never even touches iron. Cold blooded from Michael Jordan.

Three fingers up, walking backward the length of the floor, Michael Jordan never once looks at the basket he just drained. The bench mob is off the seats, towels overhead, security waving them back down. Nobody sits. Nobody in here is going to sit again tonight.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Houston Blast-Off, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Laser from LeBron James, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Stephen Curry makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Terminator rose up over the help and hammered it down on somebody's head!

Terminator pretends to check a watch that is not on his wrist, taps it, then shows it to the arena. Time is up. LeBron James mimes an enormous yawn. The visiting coach is shouting at officials who have no jurisdiction over sarcasm.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Houston Blast-Off with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Coach calls everyone back. LeBron James drags his feet toward the tunnel. Fun fact: LeBron James got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. And now, our halftime TV game show To Tell the Truth-ish! To win a wall clock shaped like a rooster that crows at random, text HOOPS to 555-0330 and answer this question: 'What is the scientific name for the smell of a middle school gymnasium?' Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Stephen Curry already has the defense a full step behind. This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, Michael Jordan gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. Michael Jordan blows the wide open layup!

Michael Jordan stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. Not close, not warm, not anywhere for Michael Jordan, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet.

Swing, swing, and Michael Jordan finds LeBron James on the wing before the help can even turn its head. Textbook two-man game: LeBron James keeps the dribble alive, forces the big man to commit, and Michael Jordan rolls into an open runway. BRICK! Michael Jordan throws up a prayer and the iron sends it straight back out to half court!

LeBron James hands it off to Michael Jordan, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. That is the shot chart lying to you. LeBron James did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

Michael Jordan fires that thing at the backboard like it owes him money. No chance from the moment it left his hand. Second-chance points are how you steal games on the road, and Stephen Curry has now cleaned up four misses tonight. The extra pass! Stephen Curry had the look, gave it up anyway, and Michael Jordan buries it. BANG! Michael Jordan gets into the paint, sees the shot blocker rising, and simply lifts it over the top of him. Never had a prayer.

BAAAANG! Stephen Curry sets the table and the pick-and-pop three goes down like somebody scripted it. Michael Jordan went for the deep heat check and produced the loudest silence of the night, roar to OHHHH in half a second.

Timeout. Tablet out. And every line the coach draws starts with LeBron James. Sixty seconds in the huddle and Terminator cashes it without a single wasted dribble. Textbook.

Right hand to the mouthguard, out, pointed at the rafters, back in. Terminator does not break stride once. Two rows of fans are hugging total strangers. Complete loss of composure in the entire lower bowl, and the game is nowhere near over.

Stephen Curry grabs the arena mic and screams. Just a scream. Michael Jordan applauds. And here is the answer to our game To Tell the Truth-ish! Merle Hackenbush of Muddy Boot, Illinois, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the scientific name for the smell of a middle school gymnasium?' The answer was of course nostalgia, with strong notes of floor wax. Merle takes home a wall clock shaped like a rooster that crows at random! Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

93-115 (L)

Terminator times the leap perfectly, taps it back to the wing, and the first possession of the night belongs to us.

Full-court pressure on the scientist, and the trade skills do not transfer one bit. Painful to watch.

Bucket for Denver Horse-Track. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Stephen Curry has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching LeBron James precisely where the play wanted it. OHHHHH HE SNATCHED HIS ANKLES! LeBron James left him on the hardwood and this building is SHAKING! Gift wrapped by Hulk, and LeBron James cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Denver Horse-Track in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Halftime! Stephen Curry looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Anecdote: Stephen Curry lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. And now, our halftime TV game show Go Fish for Answers! To win a porch swing missing every single chain, text HOOPS to 555-0468 and answer this question: 'What is the average lifespan of a whistle used in a middle school gym?' Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.

Michael Jordan felt it, the bench felt it, the arena felt it, and the rim felt absolutely nothing.

The defender planted his feet, and Stephen Curry said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and Stephen Curry is walking back with both hands on his head.

The crowd has found its chant, and Stephen Curry is going to be hearing it all night. Michael Jordan SKIES for it! Extra life for this offense. You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and Michael Jordan gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. Catch, rise, splash. The military robot owns the cleanest jumper on this floor and still has a shift to work in the morning.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Denver Horse-Track, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Michael Jordan dribbles it out at the top of the key and never even looks at the basket.

A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Michael Jordan pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. Down, up, and gone for Michael Jordan. The rim is just toying with him now.

Turnover, layup, Denver Horse-Track straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Second pass beats the rotation, LeBron James to Stephen Curry, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. Rises, releases, and Stephen Curry sends the ball through the exact patch of sky where the rim is not.

HERE IT COMES! Every soul in this gym knows the ball is going to Stephen Curry, and it may not matter one bit. OHHHH that is BEAUTIFUL basketball! Terminator finishes the set and the whole bench is up.

Terminator plants himself in front of the Denver Horse-Track bench, hands on hips, and simply stands there until somebody says something. Somebody says something. Officials arrive at a jog. A teammate hauls him backward by the waist while the arena begs for more.

Terminator kicks his towel across the floor. Hulk has already left for the locker room, alone. And here is the answer to our game show Go Fish for Answers! Peggy Ann Winterbottom of Two Chairs, Nebraska, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the average lifespan of a whistle used in a middle school gym?' The answer was of course six years, or two seasons of an especially loud coach. Peggy Ann therefore wins a porch swing missing every single chain! Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

89-112 (L)

Tip is UP and Hulk gets there first! We are underway and it is our ball.

Total control. Stephen Curry has this thing on a string. Filthy. Absolutely filthy from Michael Jordan, and the defender knows exactly what just happened to him. Two points left on the floor by Michael Jordan, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth.

Turnover, layup, New York Over-Timers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The entry pass goes in, Stephen Curry beats the big man to it, and this building is already standing up. Everything starts with that release, Stephen Curry hitting LeBron James in full flight before the defense has even turned around. That is the kind of finish that changes a defense's body language, and LeBron James has already done it twice this quarter.

LeBron James cups a hand to his ear and turns a slow full circle, milking every section. The upper deck answers louder than the lower bowl, so he points up there and nods. Stephen Curry joins the spin. Forty seconds of noise before anybody inbounds the ball.

The box score will show nothing at all for the military robot, just a ruined shot and a shooter who will remember that wall all night. That outlet from LeBron James is a weapon, it turns a defensive stop into two points in about three seconds. The scientist just outran an entire defense for the finish, and he clocks in for a shift in the morning. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

Hulk plants himself in front of the New York Over-Timers bench, hands on hips, and simply stands there until somebody says something. Somebody says something. Officials arrive at a jog. A teammate hauls him backward by the waist while the arena begs for more.

End of the second quarter. Michael Jordan is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Bus driver's confession: Michael Jordan raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. And now, our halftime TV game show Let Us Make a Deal! To win a jar of pickles from 1997 with the label soaked clean off, text HOOPS to 555-0044 and answer this question: 'Why do referees always walk faster than everybody else in the building?' The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.

Reach-in on Michael Jordan. He wanted the steal, he bought a foul.

Dagger from New York Over-Timers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how LeBron James breaks a shell down. This is the counter: Stephen Curry punished a defense that kept going under, and now they have to rip up the game plan. Nobody moved, nobody cut, nobody set a screen, so Hulk launches a contested jumper with the horn already going. Ugly offense.

Bucket for New York Over-Timers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Laser from Stephen Curry, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. OHHHH the pocket pass! LeBron James splits the coverage and the roll man is loose under the basket! Not a hand on him. Michael Jordan flat missed the bunny.

More second chance points for New York Over-Timers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Set called, Hulk waved out to the corner, and Stephen Curry watches the spacing open up like a front door. Watch Terminator plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring Hulk out of that corner in a blink. A cruel spin-out for the scientist, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

Three guys in warmups are halfway onto the floor celebrating what Terminator just did, and an official has to wave them back to their seats. Clean block, all ball, no whistle, and Michael Jordan jogs back down the floor like nothing happened.

Whistles. Monitor. And Stephen Curry standing frozen at midcourt. OHHHH the cruelty! Two tenths, and Stephen Curry gets absolutely nothing.

LeBron James lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Stephen Curry decides not to comment. And here is the answer to our game Let Us Make a Deal! Herschel Bumgarner of Two Silos, Nebraska, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'Why do referees always walk faster than everybody else in the building?' The answer was of course because somewhere in that building there is a sandwich with their name on it. Herschel takes home a jar of pickles from 1997 with the label soaked clean off! During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

77-116 (L)

OHHHH the separation! Michael Jordan just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. Zero hesitation, zero conscience. Michael Jordan made that closeout look completely pointless.

Dunk so loud the backboard is still ringing when Michael Jordan lands. He stares down the front row like they owe him money. A man in a five-thousand-dollar seat drops his drink. Stephen Curry drags Michael Jordan away by the jersey before it becomes an incident.

Body to body all the way to the rim and the arm goes up. That is on Michael Jordan, and this crew is not letting anything go tonight. Michael Jordan pulls the towel over his head before he even sits down, and you can read the frustration from the upper deck.

Cleveland Twin-Towers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, Michael Jordan and Terminator just played basketball and the defense got shredded. In, around, and gone. The iron gives Michael Jordan nothing.

Dagger from Cleveland Twin-Towers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Well-deserved break. Hulk looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Little scoop: Hulk logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. And now, our halftime TV game show Fear Factor Free Throws! To win a truck bed liner for a truck nobody in the family owns, text HOOPS to 555-0952 and answer this question: 'How many miles does a coach pace during a close game?' Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.

Lazy feed into the middle, LeBron James read it the whole way, and that possession is over before it started. OHHHH, LeBron James just took that thing right out of his hands!

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Cleveland Twin-Towers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and LeBron James threw it before the help even committed. OHHHH the pin-down! Stephen Curry pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with LeBron James. Brutal. Michael Jordan threads a BEAUTY to Stephen Curry under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

Cold blooded from Cleveland Twin-Towers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Swing, swing, and Michael Jordan finds LeBron James on the wing before the help can even turn its head. Michael Jordan just took a shoulder to the chest to buy LeBron James half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. LeBron James rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

Ball into Stephen Curry at the elbow, LeBron James plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. No touch. LeBron James left the soft hands in the locker room tonight.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Michael Jordan makes it every single trip down the floor. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Stephen Curry whips that pass one-handed on the move and the roll man gathers it through contact. Filthy. That is the shot Michael Jordan wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Cleveland Twin-Towers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Michael Jordan comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! That little shot is what keeps guards employed in this league, and Michael Jordan has it on a string tonight.

Blowing smoke off two fingers like a gunslinger, Michael Jordan holsters them in his waistband. Stephen Curry plays dead on the baseline. The mascot joins the bit uninvited. A referee has to physically separate a celebration from an inbound play.

LeBron James launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Two guys on the exact same page, Michael Jordan and Stephen Curry, and the defense is left holding a bag of nothing. That is a dime from Terminator that deserved so much better, and Michael Jordan knows it, head down, jogging back before the ball even lands.

Stephen Curry bites his lip, fists clenched. Michael Jordan shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. And here is the answer to our game show Fear Factor Free Throws! Charlene Bumgarner of Hushpuppy Ridge, New Hampshire, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many miles does a coach pace during a close game?' The answer was of course two point six miles, all of it inside a nine foot box. Charlene therefore wins a truck bed liner for a truck nobody in the family owns! Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

113-111 (W)

Stephen Curry walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. Hulk comes off the screen and the big man drops WAY back. LeBron James just fades to the arc for the cleanest look of the night. That is what heavy minutes do, LeBron James has run all night and the legs have nothing left to give the jumper.

OHHHH the pin-down! Stephen Curry pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Hulk. Brutal. Not a hand on him. Stephen Curry flat missed the bunny.

Nobody is getting a hand near that. Stephen Curry has all the room in the world. Every highlight show in the country runs that clip tonight, and unfortunately for Stephen Curry he is on the wrong end of it.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Boston Ring-Chasers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Nobody is touching the paint with the military robot parked in the middle of it. That is a full time defender doing a part time job, or the other way around. OHHHH what a hustle play from LeBron James! He had no business getting a finger on that basketball.

Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Terminator picks up the pace. Intel: Terminator once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. And now, our halftime TV game show Name That Casserole! To win a folding chair with one leg noticeably shorter than the others, text HOOPS to 555-0177 and answer this question: 'What is the official state bird of a parking lot?' We're back! The players look fired up.

Boston Ring-Chasers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Watch the spacing there, LeBron James hits Stephen Curry right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. Here comes Terminator sprinting off the elbow. Stephen Curry slides it into his pocket and that chase defender is buried. Somebody check that job title again: the military robot hanging in the air like the paint owes him rent, and finishing anyway.

You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and Stephen Curry gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. You can hear this arena react a half second before the ball even goes through, and that tells you everything about Terminator.

Shimmy from the corner all the way to half court, shoulders loose, chin high. Terminator is in no hurry whatsoever. The home bench tries to copy it and produces something closer to a seizure. The building decides it loves both versions equally.

SPIN and GO! Stephen Curry pirouettes right through the traffic and comes out the other side clean! Stephen Curry draws the foul on a THREE-POINT attempt. The building groans, the coach turns around, and nobody wants to make eye contact.

Oldest play in the book and it still works: LeBron James passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. LeBron James catches on the wing, jab step, spin move, and that pivot foot comes clean off the hardwood. Traveling.

Nobody told the scientist that a duel like this was supposed to be above his pay grade, and it is a beautiful thing to watch.

Michael Jordan walks it up past the timeline, nine seconds showing, and you can feel the air go out of this arena. They switched everything, they doubled the corner, they took away the middle, and Michael Jordan still found the two feet of daylight he needed.

Michael Jordan climbs two rows into the stands and gets swallowed by strangers. He comes back out with somebody's cap on backward and a smear of nacho cheese on his shoulder. LeBron James refuses to touch him. This building has never been happier about anything.

LeBron James cries tears of joy in Michael Jordan's arms. Hulk is also crying but nobody knows why. And here is the answer to our game Name That Casserole! Bobbie Jo Tatum of Mule Shoe Flats, Texas, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the official state bird of a parking lot?' The answer was of course the seagull, even nine hundred miles inland. Bobbie Jo takes home a folding chair with one leg noticeably shorter than the others! I got a text from LeBron James after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

104-116 (L)

Watch the spacing there, Michael Jordan hits Hulk right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. The scientist just ran that two-man game like he has a decade of film on it. Somebody get this man a contract. You can hear that rim ringing from up here, Stephen Curry has forced three in a row now and the whole offense has stopped moving.

Left, right, gone. Michael Jordan put that defender on skates and never even looked back. BANG! Michael Jordan steps back, creates the daylight, and buries it right in the defender's eye.

Bucket for San Antonio Skyscrapers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Michael Jordan, and not one single soul could do anything about it. Clang. Michael Jordan wants that one back.

Total control. Stephen Curry has this thing on a string. OHHHH the pin-down! Terminator pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Michael Jordan. Brutal. Terminator attacks the baseline, the big man steps up to meet him, and it does not matter one bit. FILTHY.

Back in the locker room, Terminator sits down and stares at the ceiling. Physio's confession: Terminator purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. And now, our halftime TV game show Countdown to Nothing in Particular! To win a jigsaw puzzle with all four corner pieces missing, text HOOPS to 555-1207 and answer this question: 'How many hot dogs does a mascot eat before he stops enjoying it?' We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.

More second chance points for San Antonio Skyscrapers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Dribble handoff from Stephen Curry, and the defender gets wiped out on the exchange! DOUBLE DRIBBLE! Michael Jordan picked it up, put it back down, and the whistle went off like a smoke alarm.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Stephen Curry has known that all night long. Oldest play in the book, and Hulk runs it in his sleep. That drop coverage never had a prayer. Gift wrapped by Michael Jordan, and Stephen Curry cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

Turnover, layup, San Antonio Skyscrapers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Down screen, and LeBron James curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. Textbook footwork, textbook release from LeBron James, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

Two defenders, one gap, and Michael Jordan finds it. Onions on that pass. Oh, that is rough. Stephen Curry killed his own dribble and then started a brand new one.

Stephen Curry walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. Watch Michael Jordan plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring Hulk out of that corner in a blink. Not close, not warm, not anywhere for Hulk, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet.

Ohhh no. Corner three, San Antonio Skyscrapers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Hulk sets the pick and DIVES to the cup. Stephen Curry lays it right on his hands in traffic! It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on Hulk. Cruel.

Stephen Curry turns back to look at the court one last time. Michael Jordan doesn't turn around. And here is the answer to our game show Countdown to Nothing in Particular! Norma Jean Sprinkle of Butterbean Flats, Alaska, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many hot dogs does a mascot eat before he stops enjoying it?' The answer was of course nine, and the tenth one is purely professional. Norma Jean therefore wins a jigsaw puzzle with all four corner pieces missing! During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

91-127 (L)

OHHHH he SNATCHED that tip! Hulk rips it out of the air and we are off.

More second chance points for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Buckets, dimes, and one absolute dagger from LeBron James to cap it off. This building is so loud the huddle cannot hear itself think. Timeouts are currency in the fourth quarter and they just spent one early. Stephen Curry cost them a possession they will want back.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Ball moves. Michael Jordan to LeBron James, on time and on target. Screen, hesitation, delivery, LeBron James drops it off perfectly for Hulk diving to the rim. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the scientist, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

Break time. LeBron James bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Physio's confession: LeBron James purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. And now, our halftime TV game show The Dating Game of Horseshoes! To win a cast-iron skillet seasoned by four generations of strangers, text HOOPS to 555-0313 and answer this question: 'What is the world record for longest halftime shot made by a man holding a soft drink?' Back at it! The players jog toward center court.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Over the top of everybody. Michael Jordan to Terminator in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Screened, toasted, done. Terminator is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. Put him on skates, then put him on a POSTER. Terminator owns the highlight reel tonight.

Dagger from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

They have to shoot over the top of this thing, and the top of it is a long way up. Filthy work from Stephen Curry. Michael Jordan reads the eyes the whole way, gets a mitt on it, and that is OUR basketball now.

Whirl, and GONE! Stephen Curry leaves the defender grabbing at a jersey that stopped being there half a second ago. Buzzer on the shot clock, Stephen Curry heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

Loose ball rolling toward the scorer's table with Stephen Curry jogging after it. Not the highlight he had in mind tonight.

So close. Michael Jordan can only stare at the iron. OFFENSIVE GLASS! LeBron James beats three men to the spot! LeBron James drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. Heat check for Michael Jordan and it is GOOD. He is COOKING, and this building knows exactly what it is watching.

Cold blooded from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Unselfish basketball. LeBron James passes up a good shot and hands Terminator a GREAT one. Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, Terminator goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard.

Michael Jordan attacks the baseline and the ENTIRE defense has to rotate behind him! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and Michael Jordan is walking back with both hands on his head.

Stephen Curry claps his hands in frustration. Hulk clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. And here is the answer to our game The Dating Game of Horseshoes! Sherman Pilkington of Chicken Bristle, Rhode Island, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the world record for longest halftime shot made by a man holding a soft drink?' The answer was of course forty-one feet, and he did not spill a drop, which is the real story. Sherman takes home a cast-iron skillet seasoned by four generations of strangers! Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.