My dream football team — football_team 🇬🇧

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-2 (L)

Alan Sugar holds it up and plays to Tinky Winky on the short corner, patient build-up to disrupt the defensive shape. The player rolls it back along the ground for Luigi. The kind of ball that tears defensive lines apart in the big matches. Luigi follows up the play perfectly on the strike from Michelle Obama! The keeper parries, he prods it in. GOAL!

Looks like a training session, soft and completely predictable. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages. Change of flanks from Michelle Obama, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Mr. Bean.

Close-quarters dribble from Michelle Obama, he finds space where there is none. Michelle Obama tries the old trick of running into the defender and falling over. Referee's not fooled. Michelle Obama booked for the dive, he went down like a sack of potatoes with zero contact. Free kick blocked! Michelle Obama struck it well but the wall held firm. Jesus Christ puts in a nice corner but it is headed away at the near post by an opponent.

Passing it around in the centre circle, not a single risk taken. Alan Sugar sends his cross sailing over everyone, Gordon Ramsay cannot even get close to it. Lovely take from the farmer! Aerial command nailed down, that is what you ask of a modern keeper, to rule his box. Lay-off from Alan Sugar to Tinky Winky, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan.

Sombrero from the lawyer on his marker. When you have got that skill repertoire in that role, you entertain the crowd every single match. Lightning overlap from Michelle Obama, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides. Michelle Obama whips in a cross at head height, Mike Wazowski anticipates and gets ahead of his marker. OHHH the header from the internet meme goes over! In that role, he has got the timing and the leap, just needs a fraction more precision. Jeremy Clarkson sends an absolute rocket towards Boris Johnson, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch.

The keeper slams {his} gloves against the wall: "I cannot do it all on my own! Where is the protection?!" Michelle Obama takes the hit without responding. Mike Wazowski drops {his} head. The gaffer intervenes: "Nobody is pointing fingers. We are ALL in this mess together. Now we get ourselves out of it. Together." Michelle Obama is a known charity shop addict who once found a vintage Gazza shirt in an Oxfam for three quid. The 62-year-old wore it under the kit for six straight matches as a lucky charm. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 5566 and answer this question: 'What did the last pigeon to leave Trafalgar Square write in its resignation letter?' Whistle. Ball. Movement. Tinky Winky is on it from the very first second, demanding the pass, pointing, shouting. The longest forty-five minutes of the evening start now.

It's there! Paris Saint-Glinglin tap it in from close range. Where was the marking?

Massive punt from Jeremy Clarkson, sends the ball sixty yards, Tinky Winky is scrapping for it up top. The player butchers that pass, straight to the opposition. Unusual for a player of his calibre. Huge tackle from Mr. Bean! Went through the back door and nicked the ball before the striker could get his shot away. The player shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Mike Wazowski. Pure quality, as per usual. Mike Wazowski sends in a classic cross, it arrives on Boris Johnson in the thick of it.

Oh no, Paris Saint-Glinglin score! Their forward was left completely unmarked, schoolboy defending.

Jeremy Clarkson runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Michelle Obama gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

Turnover and they're off to the races, a proper counter-punch. Alan Sugar tries his luck and BOOOOM it flies... wide. Brushed the post though, nearly had it. Short restart from the farmer to Michelle Obama, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. The lawyer overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon.

The plumber positions himself in the passing lane and intercepts the ball. In that role, reading the game is the invisible weapon, and he has just pulled it out at the perfect moment. Ball won high, counter away, it's a proper turbo-charged break. Alan Sugar takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race. Alan Sugar tries the power drive and BOOOOM! On target but the keeper gets down and blocks. Saved!

The farmer finds Gordon Ramsay with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Interception from Gordon Ramsay right through the middle, he anticipated the switch of play and placed himself right in the passing lane. Pure intelligence. Team goes on the counter but the final pass is too short, all wasted.

The farmer throws it out to Mike Wazowski, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Short pass from the internet meme to Tinky Winky, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Just wide! Tinky Winky struck it well but lacked that tiny bit of precision. Clearance from the farmer towards Michelle Obama, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too.

Gutting. Boris Johnson throws his gloves at the bench in frustration. Jeremy Clarkson picks them up quietly and puts them in the bag. The gaffer waits for everyone to sit down before speaking. His voice is calm but his eyes tell a different story. Long coach ride home. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Reginald Flump, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What did the last pigeon to leave Trafalgar Square write in its resignation letter?'. The answer was of course 'I can no longer work in these conditions, the tourists are unbearable and Nelson never says thank you'. Reginald wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

2-3 (L)

The block holds firm, opposition pushes but it's all in vain. Three on one and they find a way to mess it all up, unbelievable. GOOOAL from the player! World class placed finish! In that position, knowing how to find the bottom corner like that is what makes the great players.

Nutmeg from the lawyer on the defender. Close-quarters dribbling is the trademark of the very best in that role. Michelle Obama is brought down in the box! The referee blows and points to the penalty SPOT! The defender protests but the referee is UNMOVED. ABSOLUTE moment of truth! GOOOAL for Michelle Obama! Unmissable penalty, he slots it right with finesse, the keeper goes left. GOAL!

Jesus Christ produces a sensational tackle in the box, wins the ball, no penalty shout. That takes serious courage. Absolute peach from Jesus Christ, threading it through for Alan Sugar, the centre-halves are done for! Alan Sugar is called offside but it's marginal at best! Mike Wazowski is absolutely livid.

Short build-up from Tinky Winky to Mike Wazowski, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Ball in behind from the internet meme, Michelle Obama is through on goal. That is the kind of pass that justifies the price tag all on its own. The lawyer lets fly and it's on target! Keeper pushes it for a corner. In that position, having the courage to pull the trigger is what sets you apart.

Michelle Obama strings together a series of dribbles and covers fifty yards on his own. The crowd is on its feet. The dribble from Michelle Obama fools nobody, the defender collects comfortably. Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post.

Jeremy Clarkson is fighting back tears on the bench. Not dramatic sobs, just the quiet kind that come from knowing you have let everyone down. Jesus Christ puts an arm around {his} shoulder: "Come on, mate. Forty-five minutes. We have come back from worse." But the dressing room does not look like it believes that right now. Boris Johnson once held a door open for Gordon Ramsay and inexplicably said 'cheers, Dad.' The 62-year-old has not spoken publicly about the incident, but Ramsay apparently replied 'you're welcome, son.' And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 6688 and answer this question: 'What speed does a rumour travel through a Wetherspoons?' Kick-off! Luis Suárez wins the first challenge of the second half and the crowd roars its approval. That is the intensity we need.

Oh that's heartbreaking! México No-Era-Penal score right on the stroke of half-time.

Dead defender. Jeremy Clarkson mimes a sniper taking aim at the travelling support, finger pulled like a trigger, cold as ice. Tinky Winky completes the choreography by collapsing. Jeremy Clarkson arrives late, throws himself on the pile, sends a roar through the stands.

Massive clearance from Luigi in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished. Jeremy Clarkson distributes by hand to Jesus Christ on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Crucial intervention from the messiah, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on.

GOAL! México No-Era-Penal have broken through! Their forward buried it into the bottom corner.

Jeremy Clarkson kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Mr. Bean takes a knee behind him. Jeremy Clarkson raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Corner from Boris Johnson, the ball travels across the box but a defender clears at the far post. The chef opens up to Michelle Obama on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Lovely use of the ball by Michelle Obama, finding Alan Sugar in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Alan Sugar puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins.

GOAL for México No-Era-Penal! A sucker punch on the counter. We committed too many forward.

Beautifully worked short corner from the lawyer to Alan Sugar. In that role, the ability to vary your delivery makes you a complete player. Low cut-back from Alan Sugar, Mike Wazowski arrives at pace and can hit it first time. AAAARGH Mike Wazowski! Tinky Winky puts the ball on his head, the goal is empty, and he nods it wide. That stings. The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge.

The farmer goes long for Tinky Winky, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. The player switches the play to Boris Johnson, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. Boris Johnson burns past his man with a sudden burst of acceleration, the defender is left standing.

Gordon Ramsay with a last-gasp tackle that saves the day! Gets everything on the ball and nothing on the man. Heroic stuff. Gordon Ramsay spreads it to Michelle Obama, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Michelle Obama threads a ball into the void for Tinky Winky, the timing is spot on, the space is enormous.

Gordon Ramsay goes straight to the bus without showering. Sits at the back, hood up, headphones in. Luigi takes the seat across the aisle but doesn't try to talk. The motorway lights flicker past the window. Sometimes silence is the only honest response. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Derek Blandford-Tepid, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What speed does a rumour travel through a Wetherspoons?'. The answer was of course faster than light but slower than the service, which is technically impossible but somehow true. Derek wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

2-2 (L)

Jesus Christ with a trademark slide tackle, gets the ball and pops straight back up. The fans are on their feet! Possession flipped in a heartbeat, textbook transition football. GOOOOAL for Alan Sugar! BLISTERING 20-yard rocket, the keeper did not even see the ball leave!

Jeremy Clarkson sprints the full length of the pitch from his six-yard box to join the pile-up. The bundle forms on Jesus Christ, you can't see him under the pile, just studs sticking out. All four subs have invaded the pitch. The ref has given up blowing his whistle.

Mr. Bean gives it to Tinky Winky and bursts in behind the marker. The return arrives in stride. Perfection. OOOOH the MONSTER strike from Mr. Bean! On the pass from Boris Johnson, he unleashes an unstoppable missile!

The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded. Back to the keeper for the fifteenth time, fans have had enough. Luigi changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Mr. Bean. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Mr. Bean sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced.

Wall pass between the player and Boris Johnson, the combination is crystal clear. That is exactly why he plays there. Burst of pace from Mr. Bean on the wing, the full-back cannot live with that speed. Mr. Bean loses the ball on the dribble, too greedy in that situation. Decisive interception from the politician, he cut out the passing lane as if he knew the opposition game plan. That is exactly what you want from a player in that role.

Combination between the player and Luigi on the short corner. In that role, these variations at set pieces disrupt every defense. Pinpoint delivery from the plumber towards Luis Suárez, the ball lands on a sixpence. In that position, crosses are half the job. Luis Suárez puts way too much on his cross, it sails over everyone's head.

"Right, hands up, who thinks that was good enough?" The gaffer scans the room. Not a single hand goes up. Jeremy Clarkson shifts uncomfortably on the bench. Gordon Ramsay picks at the tape on {his} wrist. "Exactly," says the boss. "Because it was not. We are better than this and every single one of you knows it." Despite the wages, Jesus Christ insists on a yearly caravan holiday in Skegness with the extended family. At 2019 and 180, the lad folding into a caravan shower is described by teammates as 'physically heroic.' And now, our TV game show The Weakest Fink! To win a voucher for the Wetherspoons breakfast, text 5567 and answer: 'What is the cheapest full English breakfast in Britain and does it come with unlimited toast?' And we are back underway! Alan Sugar jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

GOAAAL! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score! That's a hammer blow, the fans are stunned into silence.

Jeremy Clarkson weaves through Casablanca Dima-Maghrib's defenders to reach his own fans, waving his arms to whip up the stand. Every step is chanted. Mr. Bean screams 'COME OOOON!' next to him. World Cup final vibes in a league match.

Stunning tackle by Mike Wazowski in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. Mike Wazowski picks it up and goes coast to coast like a man possessed. Nobody is stopping him. Mike Wazowski wants to beat his man but gets closed down by the defender. Back to sender. The computer scientist intercepts the pass with textbook reading of the game. In that position, it is that intelligence that separates a good player from a great one.

It's there! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib hit the back of the net. Our goalkeeper was rooted to the spot.

Jeremy Clarkson runs the entire perimeter of the pitch, slapping every hand sticking out of the fence. It takes him nearly two minutes. The roar follows him round the ground. Jeremy Clarkson tries to keep up and gives up at the halfway line.

The opposition works around the block without being able to get in. PERFECT rush out from Jeremy Clarkson! He cut the angle, the attacker had nothing to aim at. Blocked! The plumber boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. Huge interception from Mr. Bean! He cuts out the pass and drives forward. The kind of action that never shows up in the stats but changes the whole match.

Absolute suspense, nobody willing to settle for the draw. Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking. Ball into space from Gordon Ramsay, Tinky Winky just has to run onto it and collect. Simple and genius. The player accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything.

The press from Tinky Winky pays off immediately, the defender makes a mess of it and Tinky Winky pounces. A forced gift. OH DEAR Tinky Winky! The ball goes into full flight mode, completely over everything. Jeremy Clarkson goes long for Luigi, the ball flies straight into the opposition half.

Alan Sugar slips Boris Johnson in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Boris Johnson finds Alan Sugar with a cut-back along the turf, the ball glides across the surface like it is on rails. The computer scientist wastes the gift from Michelle Obama, open goal and he fires wide. In that position, that is unforgivable, you are expected to finish those. The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it.

Points shared. Jeremy Clarkson sits on the grass for a full minute, staring up at the floodlights. Jesus Christ crouches beside him: "Come on mate, let's get inside. Tuesday's another game." Long season. Draws happen. Nobody's thrilled, nobody's devastated. Baz from Middlesbrough says two pounds ninety-nine at the Spoons on the high street and yes the toast is unlimited. Breakfast voucher for Baz! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

2-2 (L)

The computer scientist strings together skill moves and humiliates the defender. It is rare to see that much flair in that position. Alan Sugar treats himself! He beats half the opposition team and finishes on his own, GOAL!

Alan Sugar does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Mr. Bean launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Jeremy Clarkson arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

The farmer goes long for Mr. Bean, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Mr. Bean is beaten to the header by the opposition striker, he was a fraction late on the timing of his jump. Jesus Christ rises on the delivery from Boris Johnson and powers a furious header into the net!

Jeremy Clarkson falls to his knees in front of the family section, eyes shut, hands pressed together to the sky. Three seconds of silence in the stadium. Then Luis Suárez arrives and screams in his ear, and the whole thing explodes. Goosebumps.

We're into injury time, the atmosphere could not be more charged. The computer scientist lays it off first time to Mr. Bean, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Superb diagonal from the player to Michelle Obama, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. Michelle Obama curls a cross to the near post, Luigi is lurking in the box.

Luigi slides into the passing lane and nicks the ball. The opposition does not know what just happened. Sideways ball from Luigi to Alan Sugar, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Alan Sugar switches the play to Mike Wazowski on the far side, superb crossfield ball! Smooth transition from Mike Wazowski to Gordon Ramsay, no delay, the game keeps flowing.

GOAAAL! Dakar Teranga FC make it count! Sliced through us like a hot knife through butter.

The gaffer stops pacing and faces the squad: "We are lukewarm. And lukewarm does not win football matches. I need someone to grab this game by the throat." He stares directly at Luis Suárez. "That is your job. 39 years old, best years of your life. Show me something." The room holds its breath. The entire squad confirmed that Gordon Ramsay has a secret Love Island group chat where the 60-year-old live-reacts to every recoupling. At 180, watching the big man cry over Casa Amor is apparently hilarious. And now, our TV game show Would I Lie to the Council! To win planning permission for a shed, text 0800SHED and answer: 'How many forms does it take to get planning permission for a garden shed two inches too tall?' Forty-five minutes left on the clock. Jesus Christ knows it, the fans know it, even the bloke selling pies behind the away end knows it. This is where it matters.

Mike Wazowski hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! Flat atmosphere, flat game, everyone looks half asleep. Michelle Obama picks out Alan Sugar with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Alan Sugar goes to the byline and fires a low ball back, Luis Suárez is unmarked at the far post. Miss of the season from Luis Suárez! Tinky Winky serves him a peach and he puts it into row Z. You are dreaming.

The farmer throws it out to Luigi, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. The plumber wins the aerial duel with authority. In that position, heading is the foundation, and he has just reminded everyone why he starts. Luigi boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there. Enormous leap from Michelle Obama who wins his aerial duel with authority. The ball is headed clear, no arguments. Monster clearance from Michelle Obama! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone.

GOAAAL for Dakar Teranga FC! The keeper got a hand to it but couldn't keep it out.

The press is suffocating, the opposition can't play out cleanly at all! The messiah reads the pass and intercepts cleanly. When you have that reading ability in that position, you snuff out attacks before they even begin. Raking ball from the messiah to Luigi, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. Luigi puts in a crunching challenge, all ball, no foul. The attacker's left with absolutely nothing.

Luis Suárez bounces it off Mr. Bean for a cutting one-two. It threads between two defenders, that is top quality. The overlap from Luis Suárez, he leaves the opposing full-back for dead. Luis Suárez tries one dribble too many and gets the ball pinched by the defender. Michelle Obama steals the ball in the passing lanes, that is pure reading of the game, intelligent football at its finest.

The team in a low block is impenetrable, every cross dealt with. The farmer sticks out a foot and saves at point-blank range! In that position, that kind of instinctive save cannot be taught, it is in the gut. Beautiful distribution from Jeremy Clarkson to Mike Wazowski, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder.

The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. Overlap from the player with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy. The player gets to the byline and floats one in for Tinky Winky. Crossing is his bread and butter. Cross from Tinky Winky far too long, the ball flies through the entire box without finding anyone. Jeremy Clarkson catapults the ball towards Mike Wazowski from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot.

1-1 and off we go. Gordon Ramsay hands his shirt to a kid in the front row, the smile comes back a little. Alan Sugar does the same few metres down the line. Not a win, but not a shame either. And the kids couldn't care less — they got a shirt. Roger from St Albans says forty-seven forms and a two-year waiting period for the shed. Planning permission granted for Roger! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

1-1 (L)

The chef hauls down the attacker — at that position, you learn when to take one for the team. Gordon Ramsay picks up a deserved yellow. He fouled deliberately to prevent a three-on-two. GOOOOL from Gordon Ramsay! Free kick from 25 yards, the ball traces a perfect arc and ends top corner. GOAL!

Gordon Ramsay scans the family section, finds them, blows kisses with both hands. His kids are crying on their mum's shoulder. Boris Johnson is already there for the instagram shot. Scenes that make you remember why you fell for this game.

Emergency clearance from Luigi, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe. Gordon Ramsay drops a lofted ball to Mike Wazowski, it sails over the entire midfield line. Powerful run from Mike Wazowski down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there. The cross from the internet meme ends up in the keeper's gloves. It happens to the best, but it is frustrating in that position. The farmer finds Boris Johnson with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops.

Jeremy Clarkson sparks the transition with a quick throw to Michelle Obama, the break is lightning fast. Burst of speed from the lawyer down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs. The lawyer dinks his cross over the centre-backs for Jesus Christ. The kind of ball that changes the course of a match at the highest level.

Textbook tackle from Mike Wazowski there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted. Mike Wazowski beats man after man and drives forward on his own, opponents are scattered like skittles.

Mr. Bean plays it simple to Jesus Christ, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Jesus Christ plays the simple ball to Boris Johnson, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. The politician plays it simple to Luis Suárez, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

Michelle Obama is tapping {his} studs on the floor, nervous energy pouring out of every pore. {he} knows {he} can do better. The gaffer knows it too. He crouches down in front of Michelle Obama: "Stop hiding behind their centre-half. Get on the ball, take the game by the scruff of the neck. That is why you are in the team." Mr. Bean still drives the same Vauxhall Corsa from when the lad was 17, despite earning enough to buy a fleet. The 71-year-old says the rattling exhaust 'keeps you grounded, innit.' And now, our TV game show The Repair Shop of Dreams! To win a broken clock that someone might fix eventually, text 4890 and answer: 'How long does a British person keep a broken appliance before admitting it needs replacing?' Second half underway and Mike Wazowski is straight into it, pressing high from the first whistle. No easing into this one. Straight for the jugular.

Alan Sugar puts it right into the feet of Mike Wazowski, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Mike Wazowski plays it into the channel for Luis Suárez, the defensive line is split clean in two. That is pure filth. Blistering run from Luis Suárez on the wing, the defender is chasing but never catches up. Floated cross from Luis Suárez off the right, Tinky Winky has stationed himself on the penalty spot. Anything is possible. Corner from the player and it's CHAOS in the box! In that role, creating havoc from set pieces is absolutely vital.

Swarming press, the opposition doesn't know which way to turn. Boris Johnson mistimes the tackle and catches the opponent's shin. Free kick. Boris Johnson puts too much welly on the free kick, the ball flies over without troubling the keeper.

Bodies everywhere, nobody cares about fatigue, they just need a goal. Great overlap from Alan Sugar down the flank, pinpoint cross for Tinky Winky in the area. This is the moment. Aimless cross from Tinky Winky, not for Michelle Obama, not for anyone. That is a waste. The lawyer hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did.

Oh no, Douala Makossa-Corner have scored from the spot! Cool as you like into the corner.

Jeremy Clarkson weaves through Douala Makossa-Corner's defenders to reach his own fans, waving his arms to whip up the stand. Every step is chanted. Luis Suárez screams 'COME OOOON!' next to him. World Cup final vibes in a league match.

The chef produces the tackle of the match, impeccable timing and technique. That ability to read the game defensively from that position is absolutely priceless. The chef finds Tinky Winky along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Stodgy, sluggish football, the entertainment has drained out of the game. Pass, pass, pass, back to the keeper... same old script.

Short restart from Jeremy Clarkson to Luigi, building from the back nice and tidy. Luigi pings a long diagonal to Mr. Bean, completely shifts the point of attack. Mr. Bean shifts it to Boris Johnson with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Boris Johnson finds the gap and serves Jesus Christ in behind the last man. That is three-cushion snooker, that is.

Draw. Jesus Christ takes the time to shake every Douala Makossa-Corner player's hand, one by one — old habit, old manners. Mike Wazowski follows suit. The screens show the stats: possession 50, shots on target 4 each. Perfect mirror. Neither side deserved more. Brenda from Northampton says at least six years and then you keep it in the garage for another four just in case. Broken clock for Brenda! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

1-1 (L)

Counter-attack fires off the blocks, blistering pace from the front three. GOOOAL from the politician! POWERFUL strike, the keeper had no chance! In that position, when you have that foot on you, you are dangerous on every ball.

Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll. They're monopolizing the ball but it's all hot air, nothing in the box. Superb diagonal from the chef to Mr. Bean, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. Mr. Bean powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go.

Boris Johnson embarks on a solo raid, he picks it up on the halfway line and drives straight at goal. Boris Johnson loses the ball trying to dribble, the defender was the smarter of the two. Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted.

Added time, and the intensity goes through the roof. Nothing is settled. Everyone has gone up, even the centre-backs are camped in the opposition box. Shot from Mr. Bean, it's wide! Flirted with the post, missing by millimetres. Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk.

Give and go from the player with Luigi, the block is pierced. In his position, that kind of combination is worth its weight in gold. Mr. Bean bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket. Cut-back along the turf from the player for Gordon Ramsay. That kind of low delivery takes serious game intelligence.

Mike Wazowski rips off {his} boots and flings them into the locker with a clatter. Luis Suárez glances over but says nothing. It is goalless and the frustration is eating everyone alive. The gaffer paces the room like a caged animal. "I need more from you lot. Much more. That was like watching paint dry out there." The 28-year-old Luigi reportedly starts every morning by staring out the window with a brew for exactly eleven minutes in complete silence. At 158, the silhouette alone is enough to terrify the postman. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 1133 and answer this question: 'Which motorway service station was once nominated for a BAFTA?' Boris Johnson trots out with a fresh shirt and a look that could curdle milk. Whatever happened in that dressing room has put fire in {his} belly.

Oh that's terrible! Lagos No-Carry-Last score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

Fifteen-yard belly slide from Jeremy Clarkson, arms out like an aeroplane. Luis Suárez follows in like he's skiing. Jeremy Clarkson arrives at a casual walk and flops on top last. The pile is three bodies deep. The physio is already panicking about someone's back.

Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill. Little shift from Jesus Christ to Luis Suárez, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Luis Suárez gets to the byline and cuts it back low, Luigi just needs to sidefoot it home. Jeremy Clarkson palms the ball away with a firm hand. Corner. The attacker cannot believe it.

Luigi goes crossfield to Jesus Christ, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Jesus Christ launches himself and thumps a dominant header on the cross. The opponent was still on the ground while Jesus Christ was flying. Instinctive clearance from Jesus Christ who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day. Luigi wins the header and flicks it on for Jesus Christ. He took the elevator while the rest were queuing for the stairs. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful.

Double step-over from Mr. Bean, the defender buys both feints. Total humiliation. The player roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head. The player bends the ball into the box for Tinky Winky. The kind of delivery that makes the difference in the big games. The player misses his header by inches, it goes wide. In that position, we know he has the aerial game, the next one is going in. Clearance from the farmer towards Michelle Obama, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too.

Mr. Bean charges past his man, the defence is stretched on the flank. Dangerous. Mr. Bean hits the deck like he's been shot by a sniper. Replay shows absolutely nothing. Mr. Bean takes a yellow for simulation, his acting career ends right here on the pitch. Dangerous delivery from the player on the free kick! In that position, knowing where to put the ball in the box is an asset that is worth its weight in gold.

Lovely anticipation from the internet meme who cuts out the opposition pass. In his position, that kind of interception is worth as much as a goal. Instant break, the opposition are caught on their heels and punished. Gordon Ramsay puts Mr. Bean into orbit with a laser-guided through ball. The kind of pass that lifts an entire stadium to its feet. The offside trap works a treat, Mr. Bean is caught out as Jesus Christ plays the ball forward.

1-1 and off we go. Boris Johnson hands his shirt to a kid in the front row, the smile comes back a little. Mr. Bean does the same few metres down the line. Not a win, but not a shame either. And the kids couldn't care less — they got a shirt. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which motorway service station was once nominated for a BAFTA?'. The answer was of course Watford Gap, for its outstanding performance in the category of Sustained Disappointment. Maureen wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

1-2 (L)

Boris Johnson swoops like a bird of prey on the defender and rips the ball away. Devastating press, the opposition is suffocating. Boris Johnson skins the defender with a quick shimmy, the opponent will not see the ball again. GOOOOOAL for Boris Johnson! On the genius pass from Michelle Obama, he beats the keeper with a placed finish, MAGNIFICENT!

Jeremy Clarkson throws it out quickly to Mr. Bean, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. The opponent gets the better of Mr. Bean in the aerial duel. Too small, too light, not high enough. It is cruel but that is football. Jeremy Clarkson dives and pushes it away with an iron hand! The attacker cannot believe it, the keeper is EVERYWHERE. The corner from the player was spot on but the header goes over. In that position, you do your job with the delivery, the attackers need to finish.

Brilliant tackle from Gordon Ramsay! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending. Quick one-two between Gordon Ramsay and Luis Suárez, clean as you like, they are moving forward. A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent. Loads of ball, no ideas, we're waiting for someone to try something.

It's hit the back of the net! Barranquilla Toque-Toque lead and we look completely lost.

'I told you so' mode. Jeremy Clarkson eyeballs the Barranquilla Toque-Toque bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Tinky Winky pulls Jeremy Clarkson away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

Michelle Obama turns the game on its head with one razor-sharp pass for Mr. Bean. The defence did not even have time to blink. The linesman raises his flag, Mr. Bean was a yard ahead of the last defender when Tinky Winky played it. Jeremy Clarkson rolls it short to Mike Wazowski into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. Raking ball from the internet meme to Jesus Christ, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job.

Deathly silence in the dressing room. You could hear a pin drop. Michelle Obama sits with {his} head in {his} hands, the picture of a footballer who knows {he} has had a nightmare. Gordon Ramsay is slumped against the wall, eyes vacant. The gaffer stands in front of them, veins bulging in his neck, searching for words that will not come out as screaming. Boris Johnson once tried to negotiate a personal sponsorship deal with a local car wash and was politely told the 62-year-old didn't have 'the right brand synergy.' The car wash later went bust — karma, some say. And now, our TV game show The Masked Commuter! To win a monthly Oyster card and a disapproving stare, text 0800TUBE and answer: 'What is the correct facial expression when someone sits next to you on an empty train?' Right then, part two. Jeremy Clarkson adjusts {his} shin pads one last time and looks up. The floodlights catch the determination in {his} eyes. Forty-five minutes to make it count.

The messiah reads the play and puts in a textbook challenge. That's the sort of awareness you need in that position, and he's delivered it perfectly. They've broken like lightning, the keeper's the only man left to beat. He shapes up, he shoots... WHAT A HIT from Boris Johnson! On target but the keeper palms it onto the bar! The corner from the politician is cleared with ease. In that position, when the defence keeps heading it away, it is time to change the game plan on corners.

Massive clearance from the plumber under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. Jeremy Clarkson finds Gordon Ramsay with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money. The chef opens up to Luis Suárez on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Luis Suárez slides the ball into space for Gordon Ramsay, he is away down the middle. Gordon Ramsay tries from distance and CRAAACKS it! On target but the keeper pushes it aside. Unlucky.

Interception from Gordon Ramsay who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of Gordon Ramsay. Gordon Ramsay thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work. Jeremy Clarkson plays it along the ground to Tinky Winky, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. Tinky Winky hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust.

Alan Sugar catches the attacker with a knee-high challenge. The bench is up in arms. Complete uncertainty in the stadium, VAR has been called in, nobody is breathing. Video correction! No penalty for Alan Sugar, that was a dive! Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper.

Jesus Christ launches it to Mr. Bean on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Mr. Bean wins his duel in the air and heads it down for Tinky Winky. Aerial dominance in the service of the team. What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere. OHHH what a strike from Tinky Winky! On target, thundering towards goal but the keeper stands firm. Huge save.

They've scored again! Barranquilla Toque-Toque are running riot and we can't cope.

The player puts his corner in but it is cleared. In that position, the quality of your delivery from corners is what separates danger from damp squibs. Long ball from Alan Sugar to Luigi, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. The plumber dominates his marker in the air with insulting ease. That kind of aerial mastery in that position makes a team unbeatable from set pieces. Good ball from the plumber to Luis Suárez, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Luis Suárez links a one-two with Gordon Ramsay, the two players are on the same wavelength. Telepathic connection.

A loss that will linger. Jesus Christ drives home alone, the radio off, the replay running in his head on repeat. Luis Suárez texts him at midnight: "Chin up. We're still in this." Three dots appear. Disappear. Then: "Yeah. I know." Short texts, big feelings. Simon from Woking says the correct expression is existential despair masked by looking at your phone. Oyster card for Simon! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-2 (L)

Tremendous work from Tinky Winky who goes and wins the ball in the opposition half. The press is rewarded, recovery thirty yards from goal. Raid from Tinky Winky starting in his own half, he eats up the pitch and arrives in front of goal. Moment of madness. The player lobs the keeper with a SILKY touch! In that position, that kind of finish shows you have a football IQ above average. PERFECT lob, GOAL!

GOAL! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa are celebrating! Their attacker made it look far too easy.

Jeremy Clarkson spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Mr. Bean gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

What a recovery from the internet meme! Sprints like a madman to get back and cover. When you've got a player like that, you know the team will never quit. Shoulder charge from Mike Wazowski on the opponent, just a bit too forceful for the ref's liking. The internet meme floats his free kick into the danger zone. In that position, that quality of delivery from dead balls is an absolute weapon. Aerial claim from the farmer, ball in the gloves. When your keeper comes out like that, you know you can defend high without fear.

Crunching tackle by Mike Wazowski on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it. Counter perfect until the last yard when everything goes haywire. Tinky Winky accelerates and burns past his man on the wing, nobody can keep up!

The farmer throws it out to Alan Sugar, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. The computer scientist opens up to Tinky Winky on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Enormous leap from the player who wins the header. In that role, a player who wins his aerial duels like that is an insurance policy. The player launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters.

The keeper slams {his} gloves against the wall: "I cannot do it all on my own! Where is the protection?!" Boris Johnson takes the hit without responding. Jesus Christ drops {his} head. The gaffer intervenes: "Nobody is pointing fingers. We are ALL in this mess together. Now we get ourselves out of it. Together." Jeremy Clarkson accidentally went live on Instagram while singing Spice Girls in the bath. The clip hit 2 million views before the 66-year-old even noticed — Mel B reportedly sent a thumbs up. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 0898 and answer this question: 'What is the capital of the country that doesn't exist on Tuesdays?' They are back. Mr. Bean salutes the travelling fans with a raised fist before taking {his} spot. The faithful respond in kind. Second half. Bring it on.

Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative. Superb diagonal from the internet meme to Gordon Ramsay, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. Gordon Ramsay is outmuscled in the air by his direct opponent, he did not have the spring to match him.

The politician finds Luis Suárez along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Luis Suárez swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Boris Johnson, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Magnificent tackle from Boris Johnson! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Fantastic surging run from Boris Johnson, he sets off from his own half and charges towards goal.

GOAL for Montevideo Garra-Charrúa! A looping header from their attacker, our keeper was stranded.

The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. Jesus Christ spots Gordon Ramsay in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness. The opponent dominates Gordon Ramsay in the air with worrying ease. Gordon Ramsay did not have the tools to compete on that one. Panicked clearance from Tinky Winky, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive.

Delicious through ball from Jesus Christ, the ball slides in behind the centre-halves and Alan Sugar is there to gobble it up. HEAD-FIRST rush from Jeremy Clarkson! He took every risk going and smothered the ball. HATS OFF! Tight-knit defense, compact shape, the opposition has to shoot from distance. Oh what a challenge! Gordon Ramsay goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. Lifesaving clearance from Gordon Ramsay! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters.

Gordon Ramsay looks for Luis Suárez with a ball in behind but it is massively overhit. The opposition keeper collects without moving. The farmer sticks out a foot from nowhere and pushes it away! In that position, when you have that composure, you are a true number one. Mike Wazowski hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match.

Emergency clearance from the messiah, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play. The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. Mike Wazowski keeps it short to Alan Sugar, no frills, just good football intelligence. Free kick conceded by Alan Sugar, a nibble at the opponent's heels. Enough to bring him down.

Defeat. Jeremy Clarkson sits on the pitch long after the whistle, knees pulled up, replaying every mistake in his head. Luigi comes back out from the tunnel to get him: "Come on, mate. Can't stay here all night." The groundsman's already got the sprinklers going. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Nigel Bottomsworth-Crumpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the capital of the country that doesn't exist on Tuesdays?'. The answer was of course Biscuitgrad, which only appears on maps printed during bank holidays. Nigel wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

2-2 (L)

Michelle Obama powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated. Michelle Obama dinks a lobbed cross for Luigi, the ball clears everyone and drops perfectly. GOOOOOAL! Luigi climbs higher than anyone on the pass from Boris Johnson and powers an UNSTOPPABLE header!

GOAL for Buenos Aires Pecho Frío! You can't defend like that and expect to get away with it.

The clock is the enemy, every loose touch feels like a disaster. Jeremy Clarkson, the farmer, is up for the corner! Goal is wide open behind him. GOOOOAL from the computer scientist! Imperial header on the delivery from Michelle Obama. In that position, when you have that leap and that timing, you scare every defence.

Jeremy Clarkson places the ball on the centre spot, stands on top of it, arms in a V like a pharaoh on his throne. Boris Johnson falls to his knees bowing. Jeremy Clarkson does a slow sarcastic clap. The home end loves this magnificent arrogance.

Alan Sugar sets it for Luis Suárez, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Burst of speed from Luis Suárez, he devours the left flank in a matter of seconds. Impressive. Luis Suárez bombs down the right and swings in a floated cross, Tinky Winky wins the aerial battle. Lovely high take from Jeremy Clarkson! He owns his box, the attacker had no time to even jump.

Great vision from Alan Sugar who finds Luis Suárez in the right channel with a pass into acres of space. Room to breathe. Overlap from Luis Suárez on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed. Luis Suárez crosses too far from the target, the ball drifts towards the opposite touchline. Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end.

Studious atmosphere in the dressing room. The coach has his tablet out, replaying clips: "Look, Luigi, there is acres of space on the overlap and you go back inside every time. Use the width." Luigi takes the note. The game is there for the taking if they can just find the key. Now Michelle Obama — bless him — once showed up to pre-season training with a sunburn so severe he looked like a Drumstick lolly. Spent one afternoon in Margate without suncream. At 180, there's a lot of surface area to burn, in fairness. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 5555 and answer this question: 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?' The tunnel spits the players back onto the pitch one by one. Jeremy Clarkson comes out with that walk. You know the one. Shoulders back, chest out. Something has clicked.

Ferocious pressing, three players closing down the ball carrier. The lawyer wins the ball back high up after a ferocious press. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: intensity and sacrifice. The lawyer plays it simple to Boris Johnson, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

Transition at warp speed, four passes and they're in the box. Michelle Obama squares it back for Boris Johnson, low and hard across the six-yard box, just needs a tap in. The politician fires but a defender dives in and blocks. In that position, keep shooting, the next one will get through. Boris Johnson crosses towards Alan Sugar but the defender reads the flight and deflects it away. Short restart from the farmer to Mike Wazowski, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player.

GOAL for Buenos Aires Pecho Frío! Their striker has slotted it home, nothing our keeper could do.

Jeremy Clarkson mimes a baseball home run, watches the imaginary ball disappear into imaginary clouds, then jogs round the bases. Mike Wazowski plays the opposing manager crying on the sideline. Jeremy Clarkson applauds from the centre circle. The home end losing it.

The block is holding firm, absolute reinforced concrete stuff. The messiah slides in with a perfect tackle and wins the ball. That's exactly the kind of intervention you want from someone in that position. Short pass from the messiah to Boris Johnson, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Boris Johnson uses Luis Suárez as a wall, the ball pings back like off a squash court wall. Timing is everything.

The corner from Mr. Bean picks out Gordon Ramsay in the box, glancing header but it drifts past the post. The farmer throws it out to Michelle Obama, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. The lawyer intercepts the pass with textbook reading of the game. In that position, it is that intelligence that separates a good player from a great one. Superb diagonal from the lawyer to Mike Wazowski, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. Mike Wazowski puts the ball right into the path of Boris Johnson, played to the inch, the space is found.

Luigi gives it to Mike Wazowski into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. The internet meme plays it simple to Jesus Christ, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Step-overs from Jesus Christ, the defender has lost the ball completely. Jesus Christ wants to beat his man but it is him who gets beaten. The defender recovers.

Wall pass between Mike Wazowski and Mr. Bean, the combination comes off a treat. Incredible burst of pace from Mike Wazowski, he eats up the ground in just a few strides. Clumsy challenge from Mike Wazowski, stands on the opponent's foot. Unintentional but still a foul. The internet meme dummies the shot and plays it short. In that position, that ability to read the defence and pick the right option is what separates the great players.

1-1 and off we go. Jesus Christ hands his shirt to a kid in the front row, the smile comes back a little. Jeremy Clarkson does the same few metres down the line. Not a win, but not a shame either. And the kids couldn't care less — they got a shirt. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Gerald Musty-Carpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?'. The answer was of course the M42, originally called the Badger's Lament until the council shortened it. Gerald wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

2-3 (L)

GOAL! Rio Malandro FC find the net! Our keeper had no chance, thunderbolt of a strike.

Knee slide from Jeremy Clarkson right up to the edge of the stands, high-fives every fan in the front row one by one. Mike Wazowski does the same down the line. Jeremy Clarkson turns up late and blows kisses to both ends at once. Pure magic.

Step-overs from Luis Suárez, the defender has lost the ball completely, the fans are loving it. OOOOH the GOAL from Luis Suárez! He picks up the ball, dribbles, dribbles again and rounds the keeper. Pure cinema!

Luis Suárez slides onto his belly right in front of a pitchside photographer and gives him a thumbs up. The bloke takes the most cinematic photo of his career. Tinky Winky photobombs from behind. Front pages tomorrow.

Good ball from the player to Luigi, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Luigi does not let up and steals the ball right from the defender's feet. GOOOAL! Luigi follows up the strike from Michelle Obama and toes it in at the back post! POACHER'S goal!

It was bound to happen. Rio Malandro FC score and honestly, we deserved that.

Boris Johnson charges into the press like a man possessed and rips the ball away from the midfielder. The intensity is frightening. Missed lob from Boris Johnson! He saw the space above the keeper but the execution lets him down. That goes out. Jeremy Clarkson opts for the short option to Mr. Bean, keeping possession, building play, no panic.

The gaffer rips up his notes and throws them in the bin. "Everything we worked on this week, in the bin. Because you lot clearly were not listening." He turns to Mr. Bean: "180 cm tall and you have not won a single header. 71 years old and playing like you have never seen a football before. Wake up!" Back on the estate, Luigi is still remembered as the kid who kicked a ball through Mrs Henderson's greenhouse in 2014. Now 28 and standing 158, the lad still legs it when he sees her at Asda. And now, our TV game show Ready Steady Can't Cook! To win an M&S dine-in-for-two deal, text 0800DINE and answer: 'How many times can you reheat a shepherd's pie before it becomes a health hazard?' Kick-off! Jesus Christ wins the first challenge of the second half and the crowd roars its approval. That is the intensity we need.

Alan Sugar dinks a cross over the centre-halves for Mike Wazowski, that is an aerial masterpiece. The internet meme tries the acrobatic volley and it misses. In that position, that kind of attempt shows confidence, don't stop trying. We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition.

Tinky Winky takes the ball at his feet and drives fifty yards on his own. It is one man against the world. Ball loss from Tinky Winky in a duel, the defender is stronger and wins it back. Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move.

The politician plays the one-two with Alan Sugar and finds himself through. When you have got that understanding on the pitch, you cause havoc. Mr. Bean slides it through for Boris Johnson, but the offside flag kills the move dead. The farmer finds Alan Sugar with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Alan Sugar slides it to Luis Suárez, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Luis Suárez strings together a double stepover and leaves the defender for dead. Sublime skill.

Free kick from Boris Johnson, lovely delivery and Luis Suárez rises above the defence. Cross from Luis Suárez deflected by the defence, Jesus Christ will not see the ball this time. The corner from the plumber is cleared at the near post. In that position, when your corners keep getting headed away, you need to mix up the delivery.

It's a goal! Rio Malandro FC go ahead! The ball was drilled low and hard into the corner.

Double backflip off the penalty spot from Jeremy Clarkson. Alan Sugar is on his knees clapping, Jeremy Clarkson is screaming 'ARE YOU MENTAL?!' from forty yards away. The home end gets to their feet, flags flapping, scarves overhead. Raw.

Well-taken corner from the politician but the header is wasted. In that position, delivering crosses of that quality is all you can ask, the rest is down to others. Alan Sugar launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out. Lovely on the eye but completely sterile, no penetration at all. Michelle Obama links up with Mike Wazowski, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Mike Wazowski lays it off first time to Luis Suárez, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely.

The player cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for Alan Sugar. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat. Luigi launches a long ball for Alan Sugar, but he's well offside. Defence did well. Jeremy Clarkson smashes a volley towards Alan Sugar, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Alan Sugar sends an aerial beauty to Boris Johnson, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile.

Jeremy Clarkson hoofs it forward towards Luigi, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Firm pass from Luigi into Alan Sugar, right into the boots. No waste. The opposition has eleven behind the ball and a smile on their face. Boris Johnson launches a rocket... but towards the stratosphere. Completely and utterly missed.

Full time. Tinky Winky applauds the home fans with genuine gratitude — they never booed, not once. Jeremy Clarkson joins the clap. A few supporters lean over and say encouraging things. "Keep going, lads." It helps, a bit. The walk to the tunnel is the longest forty yards in football. Pamela from Solihull says twice is the legal limit and after that you're playing Russian roulette with leftovers. M&S dine-in deal for Pamela! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

1-2 (L)

Lob from the computer scientist over the defensive block for Michelle Obama. The bare minimum at this level, but delivered with diabolical precision. GOOOAL! OVERHEAD KICK from Michelle Obama! The cross from Luis Suárez arrives, Michelle Obama throws himself into the air and BOOM the ball rockets into the top corner! Everyone is on their FEET, that is MAGICAL!

Rehearsed move all week: Alan Sugar and Jeremy Clarkson stage a Wild West duel, back to back, ten paces, turn, fire. Jeremy Clarkson plays the corpse in the middle. The stadium wants an encore, they do it twice more before the ref cuts it off.

Alan Sugar feeds Jesus Christ in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. The messiah whips in a classic cross for Luigi in the box. When you have got that delivery from the flank, you cause havoc. The plumber thumps his header wide of the post. In that position, chances like that do not come around often, shame about the accuracy. The farmer finds Tinky Winky with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Tinky Winky sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Luis Suárez. Simple in concept, masterful in execution.

The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. The politician plays it simple to Tinky Winky, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Sharp cut inside from Tinky Winky, the defender is left rooted to the spot. That is nasty. Tinky Winky gets down the left and pulls it back low, Mike Wazowski is stationed on the penalty spot. Mike Wazowski delivers a tidy ball to Michelle Obama, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work.

Nightmare! Istanbul Cehennem FK score! That goal was coming, we've been under the cosh.

'I told you so' mode. Jeremy Clarkson eyeballs the Istanbul Cehennem FK bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Luigi pulls Jeremy Clarkson away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

Mike Wazowski steps across to cut the passing lane and comes away with possession. It is subtle, it is clean, it is absolutely top class. The internet meme lays it off first time to Michelle Obama, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. The lawyer beats the defender with a sharp turn. It is rare to see a player in that position with that kind of pure skill. Good cross from the lawyer for Luigi in the area. The bare minimum for a wide player, but done with surgical quality. Header from the plumber, it flies wide! In that role, aerial ability matters and he was so close to scoring there.

The gaffer rips up his notes and throws them in the bin. "Everything we worked on this week, in the bin. Because you lot clearly were not listening." He turns to Gordon Ramsay: "180 cm tall and you have not won a single header. 60 years old and playing like you have never seen a football before. Wake up!" We can confirm that Jesus Christ owns a caravan called 'The Palace' which is parked permanently in a field near Whitby. It has no running water, a portable telly, and a signed photo of Peter Crouch. At 180, he can barely stand up inside it. And now, our TV game show Homes Under the Hammer Price! To win a doorknob from a house that needed a lot of work, text 0800FIXER and answer: 'What does a lot of potential mean in estate agent language?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Luis Suárez sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

Short corner from the player to Luigi, fine tactical intelligence. In that role, knowing when to cross and when to play short makes all the difference. The plumber lays it off first time to Gordon Ramsay, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Effort from Gordon Ramsay, it's GOIIIIING and it's on target! The keeper gets down well and holds it. No goal.

Massive diagonal from Alan Sugar! Michelle Obama receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards. Pinpoint delivery from the lawyer towards Jesus Christ, the ball lands on a sixpence. In that position, crosses are half the job. Outrageous stop from Jeremy Clarkson! The striker thought it was in but the keeper said NOPE. Header missed from the corner by the computer scientist! In that position, when you put in deliveries like that, you expect your teammates to do the business in the air.

Luigi rolls it to Mr. Bean, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. The ball from Mr. Bean rips through the defensive curtain, Gordon Ramsay is flying into the space like an arrow. Gordon Ramsay sends the ball into the stands, miles away from goal.

It's a goal for Istanbul Cehennem FK! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end. Bad pass from the computer scientist, the weight is completely off. In that position, that kind of mistake can be very costly. Mr. Bean tears into the opposition build-up, running everywhere, and ends up stealing the ball. That man is a guard dog.

Jeremy Clarkson takes his time and plays it short to Gordon Ramsay. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. Gordon Ramsay intercepts the ball, he was a step ahead of everyone on the pitch. Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed.

Gordon Ramsay hits the afterburners to get back, catches the attacker, and nicks the ball off him. Pure desire. Gordon Ramsay hauls down the man on the break. He knew exactly what he was doing. Yellow card for Gordon Ramsay, he stood on the ball carrier's foot to kill the counter. Sneaky. The chef sees his free kick stopped by the wall! In that position, the wall is a CLASSIC obstacle, you have to keep trying. Corner from Jesus Christ, attempted dangerous delivery but the defence gets in the way and clears.

It's not our day and everyone knows it. Mike Wazowski shakes the ref's hand — barely — and walks off. Luigi is already on the bench, head in hands, replaying that missed chance on a loop. The physio drapes a jacket over his shoulders. Cold night. Cold result. Pauline from Wakefield says a lot of potential means the roof is missing and there may be foxes living in the bathroom. Doorknob for Pauline! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-1 (L)

High recovery from the player who hounds the carrier until he coughs it up. In that role, pressing is not a bonus, it is part of the job description. Dummy from Tinky Winky, the defender dives in and ends up on the deck. Done. Tinky Winky picks up speed and FIIIRES with power! But it is also placed, the keeper can only watch. GOAL!

Tinky Winky unfurls a banner hidden in his shorts: 'FOR THE LADS DOWN THE ROAD'. The home end erupts. Gordon Ramsay makes a heart sign with his hands. Jeremy Clarkson finally shows up, completely out of breath, collapses next to them.

Monster clearance from Jeremy Clarkson, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Tinky Winky. Rapid combination: Tinky Winky to Mr. Bean, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Surface-level dominance, not one incisive moment. Oh no Luis Suárez! Sends it into row Z, that is miles and miles away from the target.

Jeremy Clarkson fires it out quickly by hand to Jesus Christ, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart. The messiah rises above everyone and wins the header. In that position, aerial dominance is what separates the good from the great. Massive clearance from the messiah under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. Mike Wazowski beats the attacker with a commanding header, he went up like a lift and came back down with the ball. The boss. Mike Wazowski clears in a panic off his weaker foot, it is not clean but it is out. The important thing is the ball is miles away.

GOAL! Milano Piano-Piano have made it count! The defence was caught ball-watching, criminal stuff.

What a block! Mike Wazowski slides in with impeccable timing and takes the ball away. That's defending at its finest. Quick exchange between Mike Wazowski and Tinky Winky, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. The player reads the movement before anyone else and puts Luis Suárez into space. In that position, that is the kind of pass that changes a game. Careless distribution from Luis Suárez, the ball lands straight at an opponent's feet. The kind of pass that costs you. Michelle Obama goes to ground and absolutely nails the tackle. Ball won, danger cleared, crowd on their feet.

Mr. Bean stands up without being asked: "We need to show some bottle, lads. This is not a friendly against Milano Piano-Piano. Where is the fight? Where is the desire?" The gaffer nods slowly. Boris Johnson cracks {his} knuckles. The message lands. Sometimes the players need to hear it from one of their own. In a baffling move, Boris Johnson adopted a tortoise named Gary Lineker. At 62, the footballer insists Gary brings calm to the household, despite the tortoise doing absolutely nothing at all times. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 4848 and answer this question: 'Which animal is legally considered furniture in Stoke-on-Trent?' Back on the pitch and Mr. Bean is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

The attacker crushes Mike Wazowski in the aerial duel, he got significantly higher. Mike Wazowski was helpless. Jeremy Clarkson parries it weakly into the middle, the attacker is a whisker from opening the scoring! Mike Wazowski launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty.

The player finds Luigi along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. The plumber plays it simple to Alan Sugar, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. The computer scientist lays it off first time to Luis Suárez, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre.

Dead time on the pitch, both sides happy to keep it ticking over. No runs in behind, no penetration, just ball retention for its own sake.

The farmer goes long for Luis Suárez, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Perfectly executed challenge by Luis Suárez, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb. One touch football: Luis Suárez to Alan Sugar, faster than the opposition can think. Alan Sugar lets rip and it SHAAAVES the woodwork! Inches from a goal, so unlucky.

The lawyer lobs the entire defence with a chipped cross for Mr. Bean. That kind of technique is the hallmark of the very best. Spectacular volley tried by Mr. Bean, the ball flies away from goal but the crowd applaud the effort. Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways.

The messiah boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. The midfielders are enjoying their little triangles but what's the point? Short pass from the plumber to Boris Johnson, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. The politician does not let up and rips the ball from the opposition's feet. In that position, that kind of high defensive work is worth as much as an assist. BY A WHISKER! Boris Johnson fires and the ball shaves the right post before spinning out. The goal was right there.

Honours even. Alan Sugar swaps shirts with one of the Milano Piano-Piano lads, tight smile. "See you again next week, yeah?" quips Tinky Winky, laughing. Everyone laughs. Inside, everyone knows this was three points we should've had. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Geraldine Puddleworth, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which animal is legally considered furniture in Stoke-on-Trent?'. The answer was of course the tortoise, following the Furniture Reclassification Act after one was mistaken for an ottoman for nine years. Geraldine wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

0-1 (L)

Massive clearance from the plumber under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. Boris Johnson intercepts in the opposition half, he read the play three seconds before anyone else. That is defensive caviar. Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. BANG! Luis Suárez hits it! On target, it's flying but the keeper is there and gathers at the second attempt. The corner from Luis Suárez is met by a defender who volleys it out for a throw-in.

Superb tackle from the internet meme, cleans up the danger without breaking a sweat. When you've got a player like that in the role, you sleep easy at night. Counter from their own goal, and all that just to butcher the cross. The computer scientist lets fly and it's wide. Flirted with the frame though. In that position, with a tiny bit more precision that's going in. Horizontal possession, never a ball that breaks the lines.

The lawyer presses high and forces the defender into an error. In that position, the ability to recover the ball that high up changes the entire complexion of a match. Dribble from Michelle Obama in the box, one shimmy and the defender is out of the picture. Dangerous. Michelle Obama picks his spot and SHOOTS! Wide of the near post, genuinely not far off. Jeremy Clarkson distributes short to Luis Suárez, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes.

Mr. Bean to Mike Wazowski, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Mike Wazowski finds Alan Sugar between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. The computer scientist finds the gap that nobody else saw and puts Luigi clean through. Pure genius from that position. Overlap from Luigi with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel.

The chef launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep. Far too slow, the opposition has time to set up ten times over.

The boss slams the door shut and leans against it. Nobody leaves until he says so. "Look at your faces. You are beaten already and there are still forty-five minutes on the clock. Luis Suárez, lift your head up. Jeremy Clarkson, stop sulking. We are footballers, not victims. Now act like it." Boris Johnson once bumped into David Attenborough at a Tesco Express and panicked so badly the 62-year-old dropped an entire basket of Pot Noodles. Sir David apparently whispered 'fascinating specimen.' And now, our TV game show Bake Off the Rails! To win a soggy bottom certificate signed by Paul Hollywood, text 3412 and answer: 'What temperature should you bake a Victoria sponge if your oven only has two settings: warm and volcanic?' Whistle. Ball. Movement. Gordon Ramsay is on it from the very first second, demanding the pass, pointing, shouting. The longest forty-five minutes of the evening start now.

Intense pressing from Luis Suárez, he wins the ball back thirty yards from goal. They've broken at pace and the back line is nowhere to be seen. Michelle Obama picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train.

The farmer goes long for Luis Suárez, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Luis Suárez wins the header in a crowded box, he popped up above three players. That man is an aircraft. Good ball from Luis Suárez to Mr. Bean, playing it quick between the lines. Through ball from the player for Jesus Christ, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite.

GOAL! Sevilla Olé-Olé strike! Their attacker has ghosted past everyone. Too easy.

Jeremy Clarkson unfurls a banner hidden in his shorts: 'FOR THE LADS DOWN THE ROAD'. The home end erupts. Mr. Bean makes a heart sign with his hands. Jeremy Clarkson finally shows up, completely out of breath, collapses next to them.

Short distribution from Jeremy Clarkson to Luigi, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. Good ball from Luigi to Boris Johnson, playing it quick between the lines. Boris Johnson fires wide, not far from the post though! Short restart from the farmer to Michelle Obama, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player.

They suffocate the first pass, the opposition goes long and loses it. Foul by Tinky Winky in the middle of the park, breaks up a promising move. Tinky Winky hits the free kick but it bounces off the wall. Nothing doing. Dangerous corner from the computer scientist, the defense is all over the place! In that role, that delivery quality on corners makes you invaluable.

Long kick from Jeremy Clarkson, Boris Johnson positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Boris Johnson jumps but cannot match the height of his marker, duel lost. The opponent had an extra floor on him. WHAT A SAVE from Jeremy Clarkson! He dives to his left and tips it with his fingertips. Magical! Corner from Boris Johnson, Jesus Christ heads it but it sails over the crossbar. Frustrating!

That hurts. Jesus Christ leans against the tunnel wall, eyes closed, letting the cold concrete cool his head. Boris Johnson stops beside him: "We go again Saturday." Jesus Christ nods, but right now Saturday feels like a lifetime away. The bus is quiet. Doris from Bakewell says volcanic obviously and Paul Hollywood gave her an approving nod through the telly. Soggy bottom certificate is hers! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-2 (L)

SCRAMBLE after the politician's corner! In that role, putting the ball in the right area from corners makes all the difference. GOOOAL from the player! Pure poacher's goal. In that position, when you have that instinct, you turn the smallest scraps into gold.

Tinky Winky gives it to Luigi into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Luigi launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Mike Wazowski, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully. Overlap on the left from Mike Wazowski, floated cross towards Gordon Ramsay who rises highest at the far post. Gordon Ramsay sends a cross that finds nobody, the ball flies past the far post with no takers.

Great vision from Alan Sugar who switches to Luigi. The defence pivots, but they are too late. Luigi is dominated in the aerial duel, the attacker is simply stronger in the air on that occasion. Michelle Obama clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all. Mike Wazowski spreads it to Jesus Christ, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right.

The lawyer wipes out the attacker with a horror challenge. Playing in that role demands composure, not carnage. Everything grinds to a halt as VAR takes over. You could hear a pin drop in here. The lawyer can't complain about VAR! There was no foul, that's the game in that position. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare.

Michelle Obama delivers the corner and it's CHAOS in there! A defender hooks it off the line! Massive clearance from Mike Wazowski, just get the ball as far away as possible. Duel lost by Jesus Christ, he was jostled in the air and could not get a touch on the ball.

Mike Wazowski cannot even look at {his} teammates. {he} knows the mistake was {his}. The gaffer knows it too but does not single {him} out. Instead he addresses the room: "We win as a team, we lose as a team. Right now we are losing. So what are we going to do about it? Sit here and sulk, or go out there and fight?" Gordon Ramsay once held a door open for Gordon Ramsay and inexplicably said 'cheers, Dad.' The 60-year-old has not spoken publicly about the incident, but Ramsay apparently replied 'you're welcome, son.' And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Be a Milliner! To win a Primark bag full of reduced Percy Pigs from M&S, text 0800PORK and answer: 'How many Percy Pigs can you fit in a shopping trolley?' The dressing rooms empty and the pitch fills up again. Jesus Christ does a few quick stretches on the touchline before jogging into position. Ready for war.

The player finds Boris Johnson along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Perfect low cut-back from Boris Johnson, the ball slides across the box and Mr. Bean just has to finish. The crowd cannot believe it! Mr. Bean misses in front of an open goal after the perfect service from Michelle Obama. That is physically painful to watch. The game is crying out for a moment of magic, nothing's happening.

Tinky Winky shifts it to Luigi with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. The plumber overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon. Pinpoint delivery from the plumber towards Mike Wazowski, the ball lands on a sixpence. In that position, crosses are half the job. OHHH the take from Jeremy Clarkson! He climbs above the melee and gathers the ball. Boss stuff.

And there it is, München Ordnung-Muss-Sein score! The writing was on the wall after that pressure.

Low block set up sweetly, the opposition plays around it with no danger. Jeremy Clarkson comes out like a madman and narrows the angle! The attacker tried the chip but the keeper claimed it all. Jesus Christ heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one.

Jesus Christ plays off Mike Wazowski, the return arrives right down the middle and Jesus Christ is free as a bird. Jesus Christ charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible. Jesus Christ reaches the byline and rolls it back along the ground, Boris Johnson receives it in the box. It is on a plate.

And it's in! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein take advantage of a dreadful mix-up at the back.

Jeremy Clarkson runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Tinky Winky gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

Brilliant switch of play from Michelle Obama! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Mr. Bean. Mr. Bean is beaten in the air, the opponent came back down with the ball while Mr. Bean was barely on his way up. The reflexes from Jeremy Clarkson are STAGGERING! The opposition smashed it and the keeper caught the lot. Not human.

Tough one against München Ordnung-Muss-Sein. Gordon Ramsay and Jeremy Clarkson are the last two off the pitch, like students who don't want to face the headteacher. The tunnel swallows them up. The floodlights buzz. The stands are empty. Football is brilliant and cruel in equal measure. Sharon from Basildon says two hundred and six Percy Pigs, which she verified personally last Saturday. Primark bag and all, she's the winner! Coming up: 'Gogglebox, but the families are watching Gogglebox watching Gogglebox.' It's telly-ception. Nobody knows what's real anymore. The dog seems fine with it.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

1-2 (L)

Crucial intervention from the internet meme, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on. Mike Wazowski slides a beauty through the gap, Mr. Bean is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. Mr. Bean takes his bearings and places a CLINICAL finish! The keeper was beaten everywhere, GOAL!

Full moonwalk from Mike Wazowski, penalty spot to halfway line, timing immaculate. Jeremy Clarkson does the bassline, hand-on-mouth move, in sync. Jeremy Clarkson applauds slowly, cringing grin on his face. Every phone in the stadium is lit up.

Luigi with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! Luigi fires the ball over to Michelle Obama with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book. Good cross from the lawyer for Luigi in the area. The bare minimum for a wide player, but done with surgical quality. Corner from Luigi, it's a MADHOUSE in the box! Three blocks, two ricochets, defense survives! Michelle Obama rifles one in, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper comes up big. Corner to the attacking side.

Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality. The lawyer fouls the opponent to break up the attack. It's part of the job at that position, knowing when to take one for the team. The ref shows Michelle Obama yellow. Four fouls in twenty minutes, the card was overdue. Free kick from Michelle Obama... into the wall. The wall didn't flinch.

Tinky Winky sees what nobody else sees and puts Mike Wazowski through on goal with a genius through ball. Mike Wazowski takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race. The internet meme goes to ground but the attacker just breezes past. In that position, you've got to stay on your feet longer before committing. Jesus Christ is sent off after dragging down the attacker who was clean through. Last defender — the law is clear.

It's in the back of the net! London Three-Pints celebrate and our fans are gutted.

Jeremy Clarkson sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. Boris Johnson snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. Jeremy Clarkson waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

The gaffer boots the door open and launches a water bottle across the dressing room. It explodes against the far wall and nobody flinches because they all know they deserve it. "What the bloody hell was that?!" he roars. Luigi stares at the floor. Tinky Winky cannot even look up. Absolute shambles. A delightful revelation — Boris Johnson panic-bought seventeen tins of baked beans during a supermarket scare and still hasn't got through them. His cupboard is essentially a Heinz warehouse. The man is 62 and fully prepared for any future bean-related emergency. And now, our TV game show Who Dares Bins! To win a wheelie bin with your name stencilled on it, text 0800BIN and answer: 'What happens if you put your bins out on the wrong day?' Mr. Bean leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

Michelle Obama picks out Luis Suárez with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Luis Suárez finds Michelle Obama in the dead zone between the full-back and the centre-half, pass into space, collected on the run. Pure class. Lay-off from Michelle Obama to Tinky Winky, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Short build-up from Tinky Winky to Luigi, playing out from the back, keeping it safe.

Jeremy Clarkson boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Jesus Christ! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Jesus Christ to Michelle Obama, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Michelle Obama has a crack and BAAANG! Wide but the ball kissed the post on the way out. Clearance from the farmer towards Gordon Ramsay, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too.

Disaster! London Three-Pints score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

Jeremy Clarkson finds the TV camera and kisses it like a long-lost love. Mr. Bean plays the jealous partner alongside. The live broadcast lingers for eight solid seconds, the commentators crying with laughter. The memes are already circulating before kickoff resumes.

Superb tackle from the internet meme, cleans up the danger without breaking a sweat. When you've got a player like that in the role, you sleep easy at night. Good ball from the internet meme to Tinky Winky, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Wasteful from Tinky Winky on that pass, the ball does not arrive. Mr. Bean throws his arms up in frustration. Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper.

The plumber launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. The ball pings around but the defenders are barely breaking sweat. Mr. Bean puts it right into the feet of Luigi, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Intense pressing from the plumber, he wins the ball in the opposition half. When you have that engine in that role, you suffocate any team. SHOOOOT from Luigi... just wide! Shaves the post, so close to going in.

Absolutely immense from Mike Wazowski! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back. The internet meme boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. Driven kick from Jeremy Clarkson to Michelle Obama, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Michelle Obama opens up to Mike Wazowski on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent.

Michelle Obama beats his marker with a body feint, the defender buys it completely. Michelle Obama clips the attacker's shoulder and holds on, free kick given. Michelle Obama is booked for a tactical foul at the halfway line. Smart play, but it costs a card. Short free kick from the lawyer, clever stuff! In that position, mixing up direct shots and combinations is the key to troubling any defence.

Michelle Obama goes straight to the bus without showering. Sits at the back, hood up, headphones in. Luis Suárez takes the seat across the aisle but doesn't try to talk. The motorway lights flicker past the window. Sometimes silence is the only honest response. Sandra from Rotherham says neighbourhood exile and possible prosecution. The personalised wheelie bin is hers! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.