My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇦🇺

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

87-131 (L)

Dagger from Detroit Engine-Roar. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Khabib Nurmagomedov comes off the screen and the big man drops WAY back. Jon Jones just fades to the arc for the cleanest look of the night. The thai boxer misses absolutely everything, and honestly, the nerve to even attempt that shot deserves something. Not points. But something.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Detroit Engine-Roar, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Khabib Nurmagomedov walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. Give and go! Islam Makhachev gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! That is the shot chart lying to you. Islam Makhachev did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

The wrestler got tossed for scrapping under the basket. Deal with the public all week long and eventually somebody catches a piece of it.

Halftime whistle! Khabib Nurmagomedov slides down against the hallway wall. Fun fact: Khabib Nurmagomedov is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. And now, our halftime TV game show Family Feudal! To win a five-gallon bucket of assorted screws from a stranger's garage, text HOOPS to 555-0263 and answer this question: 'What color is a school bus at two in the morning?' Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.

Turnover, layup, Detroit Engine-Roar straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Swing, swing, and Islam Makhachev finds Khabib Nurmagomedov on the wing before the help can even turn its head. Oldest play in the book, and Khabib Nurmagomedov runs it in his sleep. That drop coverage never had a prayer. Awful shot by Jon Jones with eleven still on the shot clock, off the front rim and out to the wing.

Cold blooded from Detroit Engine-Roar, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Set called, Charles Oliveira Da Silva waved out to the corner, and Khabib Nurmagomedov watches the spacing open up like a front door. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Charles Oliveira Da Silva whips that pass one-handed on the move and the roll man gathers it through contact. Filthy. Two points left on the floor by Khabib Nurmagomedov, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth.

Bucket for Detroit Engine-Roar. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Cross court, on a rope, from the mixed martial arts fighter. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Court vision like that on the wrestler is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. Nobody drew up that arc. The thai boxer floated one halfway to the rafters, and the rim never even got a say.

Long miss from the mixed martial arts fighter and the rebound goes the other way, but let the record show that most people in that line of work never even get to take that shot. The mixed martial arts fighter outworked everybody on the glass! Effort does not care what is printed on your business card. The mixed martial arts fighter just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! Nobody expects touch like that from the mixed martial arts fighter, but that floater had more feel than half the starting guards in the league.

The mixed martial arts fighter just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. Long and gone. Charles Oliveira Da Silva floats the teardrop over everything and bangs it off the back iron. OFFENSIVE GLASS! Khabib Nurmagomedov beats three men to the spot! BAAAANG! Khabib Nurmagomedov rips the offensive board and puts it right back through!

Bent double with his hands on his knees, Khabib Nurmagomedov takes one breath, straightens up and points at the coach who drew the play in the huddle. The coach nods once, no smile. Charles Oliveira Da Silva pounds the man's shoulder anyway. Respect, delivered at maximum volume.

Watch the spacing there, Islam Makhachev hits Charles Oliveira Da Silva right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. Day job, then this: the mixed martial arts fighter reads a rolling big like a coach with twenty years on the bench. Missed layup for the thai boxer and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

Back at the shop they have got this review up on every phone with the mixed martial arts fighter in the frame, and nobody is getting any work done. Cold, clinical, and correct. That monitor just took everything from Islam Makhachev.

Khabib Nurmagomedov turns back to look at the court one last time. Charles Oliveira Da Silva doesn't turn around. And here is the answer to our game Family Feudal! Randy Dinkins of Sockburn, Ohio, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What color is a school bus at two in the morning?' The answer was of course still yellow, but it means something different. Randy takes home a five-gallon bucket of assorted screws from a stranger's garage! Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

85-130 (L)

Tip goes to the mixed martial arts fighter, who spends most of the week nowhere near a gym. Explain that one to me.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Miami Heart-Attack with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Khabib Nurmagomedov the moment he crosses half court. Khabib Nurmagomedov rises from deep, the defender flies in a half second late, and the officials put up three fingers.

More second chance points for Miami Heart-Attack, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Jon Jones rides the ball handler all the way up the floor and finally puts a forearm in his back. Officials blow it dead. Five fouls on the thai boxer. One more bump and he goes back to being just a guy with a normal job.

Halftime! Islam Makhachev checks his stats on the board and winces. Small detail: Islam Makhachev whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. And now, our halftime TV game show Are You Smarter Than a Mailbox! To win a paint-by-numbers kit of a barn, already painted wrong, text HOOPS to 555-0066 and answer this question: 'How many keys are on a high school janitor keyring?' Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.

The wrestler just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. Whirl, and GONE! Charles Oliveira Da Silva leaves the defender grabbing at a jersey that stopped being there half a second ago. Two defenders in the lane, Charles Oliveira Da Silva splits them, double clutches and kisses it off the square. Count it!

Ohhh no. Corner three, Miami Heart-Attack in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Khabib Nurmagomedov already has the defense a full step behind. Screen, pop, SPLASH! Jon Jones kicks it out and that thing never touched iron. The mixed martial arts fighter had that thing halfway down and the rim spat it back out. Nobody ever warns you that the iron has a personality.

Miami Heart-Attack again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Islam Makhachev guesses left, the ball handler goes right, and suddenly this is a two-on-one before anybody can rotate. The wrestler puts a shoulder into the ball handler and pays for it. He spends all day being polite to strangers and now he is hacking people for a living.

Winning basketball right there: Khabib Nurmagomedov knocks the swing pass off course and that offense has to run it back from the top. Everything starts with that release, Conor McGregor hitting Khabib Nurmagomedov in full flight before the defense has even turned around. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Khabib Nurmagomedov scooped that in from underneath the rim!

They just emptied an entire pro floor for the mixed martial arts fighter. Read that back to yourself and tell me this league is normal. CHARGE! Charles Oliveira Da Silva runs a set defender straight over and the arm goes the other way.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Miami Heart-Attack with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

That is a charge on Conor McGregor, and you can hear the groan roll around every level of this building.

The longer they stay at that monitor, the louder this place gets, and Islam Makhachev is refusing to look at the big screen. Brutal for the mixed martial arts fighter, who owned the shot of a lifetime for about ninety seconds. Back to the day job with nothing but the story.

Jon Jones turns back to look at the court one last time. Khabib Nurmagomedov doesn't turn around. And here is the answer to our game Are You Smarter Than a Mailbox! Wanda Sue Beezley of Rooster Comb, South Dakota, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many keys are on a high school janitor keyring?' The answer was of course forty-one, and three of them open nothing at all. Wanda Sue takes home a paint-by-numbers kit of a barn, already painted wrong! Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

91-127 (L)

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Islam Makhachev makes it every single trip down the floor. That is the third live-ball giveaway of the half, and each one has been the same read: Conor McGregor deciding late and throwing early.

Cold blooded from Orlando Magic-Beans, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Charles Oliveira Da Silva just did it by hitting Jon Jones on the back side with acres of room. Right through the window. Jon Jones to Khabib Nurmagomedov on the roll, and the help was a half step late. The wrestler had two points in the bank and the iron took them right back out. You do not get heartbreak like that in the day job.

Jon Jones sets it and slides out instead of rolling, Khabib Nurmagomedov finds him late, and the defense pays for cheating under the screen. Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, Jon Jones fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

The mixed martial arts fighter lines one up from four feet behind the line and the rim rejects the application on the spot. Back to the day job on that possession. Nobody put a body on Khabib Nurmagomedov and he made them pay, tipping it to himself and coming down with two hands in the trees. Unselfish basketball. Khabib Nurmagomedov passes up a good shot and hands Islam Makhachev a GREAT one. OHHHH that is SILKY! Islam Makhachev with the teardrop, and it kisses through.

End of the second quarter. Conor McGregor is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Fun fact: Conor McGregor was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. And now, our halftime TV game show Three in a Row Probably! To win a crock pot with the lid from a completely different crock pot, text HOOPS to 555-0607 and answer this question: 'What happens to the air inside a basketball left in a truck overnight?' Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.

A cut with that timing from the mixed martial arts fighter? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. Put him on skates, then put him on a POSTER. Islam Makhachev owns the highlight reel tonight.

Beautiful footwork on that one from Khabib Nurmagomedov, the pivot foot never budges, which is precisely why the whistle stays in the pocket. The block is clean, the ball is gone, and Khabib Nurmagomedov is left staring at his empty hands like a man who lost his keys.

Bucket for Orlando Magic-Beans. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Khabib Nurmagomedov coasts through this last stretch, no urgency, no need, the result was signed and sealed a long while ago.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Orlando Magic-Beans with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Security is lining the baseline now, order is coming back, and Islam Makhachev takes that long walk as the crowd howls.

Turnover, layup, Orlando Magic-Beans straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the wrestler, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. The mixed martial arts fighter turns clean out of two bodies in the paint. That is nowhere in the job description and yet here we are. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the mixed martial arts fighter, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Orlando Magic-Beans, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

The mixed martial arts fighter just threaded a pocket pass through two defenders. Where exactly did that vision come from? Look at Conor McGregor mouthing an apology toward his own bench before the call is even announced. He knew instantly.

Jon Jones stares at the floor while Conor McGregor mutters something inaudible under his breath. And here is the answer to our game show Three in a Row Probably! Colleen Hackenberg of Rusty Nail, Pennsylvania, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What happens to the air inside a basketball left in a truck overnight?' The answer was of course it becomes a slightly smaller basketball, and everybody in the gym agrees to say nothing about it. Colleen therefore wins a crock pot with the lid from a completely different crock pot! Evening confession: I'm wearing Jon Jones's jersey under my shirt. For morale. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

91-129 (L)

Small thing, a jump ball, but Jon Jones winning that tip means we set the tone. Coaches script that first play for a reason.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Philadelphia Injury-Report, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

The mixed martial arts fighter just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! Somewhere there is a coaching video being edited right now, and the mixed martial arts fighter is the star of it. Three steps and a prayer.

More second chance points for Philadelphia Injury-Report, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Filthy defense from Conor McGregor. He never touched a thing and he still won the possession. Rebound to fast break in one motion, courtesy of the mixed martial arts fighter. That is not a hobby, that is a skill set. Wide open runway! Islam Makhachev gets to the rim before the defense even crosses halfcourt!

Islam Makhachev plants himself in front of the Philadelphia Injury-Report bench, hands on hips, and simply stands there until somebody says something. Somebody says something. Officials arrive at a jog. A teammate hauls him backward by the waist while the arena begs for more.

Break! Islam Makhachev heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. True story: Islam Makhachev had his parking spot stolen by Philadelphia Injury-Report's mascot. Still talks about it. And now, our halftime TV game show The Newlywed Timeout! To win a family size bag of off brand cheese puffs, text HOOPS to 555-0472 and answer this question: 'How far away can a scoreboard buzzer be heard by a dog?' Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.

Turnover, layup, Philadelphia Injury-Report straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Clean feed from Khabib Nurmagomedov, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. The beauty of it is that Islam Makhachev never has to set a screen at all, the exchange IS the screen. Nightmare to guard. Conor McGregor loses his angle on the baseline and still finds a way to flip it home with the off hand. Bucket!

The too-small gesture, aimed straight at the Philadelphia Injury-Report bench, both hands measuring an inch of air. Their coach is out of his chair and onto the officials. Conor McGregor keeps the pose, unblinking, backpedaling all the way. The arena hits a decibel level that clips the broadcast mics.

The mixed martial arts fighter makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Jon Jones comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! AIRBALL! Jon Jones missed the rim, the backboard and everything in between!

Off the pin-down comes the wrestler with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. Pull-up from the elbow by Khabib Nurmagomedov, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Philadelphia Injury-Report in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Khabib Nurmagomedov kicks it over to Conor McGregor, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. OHHHH the pin-down! Conor McGregor pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Khabib Nurmagomedov. Brutal. Down, up, and gone for Conor McGregor. The rim is just toying with him now.

Charles Oliveira Da Silva feels the contact, spins off that shoulder, and the defender is left hugging a whole lot of nothing. REJECTED! Charles Oliveira Da Silva takes it in and gets it sent straight back into his own chest.

Bucket for Philadelphia Injury-Report. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Khabib Nurmagomedov has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Charles Oliveira Da Silva precisely where the play wanted it. Charles Oliveira Da Silva hands it off to Jon Jones, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. The mixed martial arts fighter tried the teardrop and never got it to the rim. Turns out soft touch does not come standard with that day job.

You do not need a scholarship to figure that one out. The mixed martial arts fighter just stopped the clock the way people have been stopping clocks in gyms for sixty years.

Khabib Nurmagomedov sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. Charles Oliveira Da Silva winces. And here is the answer to our game show The Newlywed Timeout! Dewey Spillman of Frostbite Flats, Minnesota, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How far away can a scoreboard buzzer be heard by a dog?' The answer was of course three and a half miles, and the dog does not care for it. Dewey therefore wins a family size bag of off brand cheese puffs! During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

77-121 (L)

Nobody told the mixed martial arts fighter that chasedown blocks are supposed to be above his pay grade. Off the glass and out of the gym, Islam Makhachev launches it and the break is ON! Somebody check that job title again: the thai boxer hanging in the air like the paint owes him rent, and finishing anyway.

Bucket for Phoenix No-Defense. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

One hard step and Charles Oliveira Da Silva owns that whole side of the floor, which means the low man has to make a decision he does not want. Charles Oliveira Da Silva had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Phoenix No-Defense with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Shot clock down to two, Islam Makhachev throws up a prayer from twenty six feet, and it is not answered. Buzzer on the shot clock, Khabib Nurmagomedov heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

Back in the locker room, Khabib Nurmagomedov sits down and stares at the ceiling. Quick anecdote about Khabib Nurmagomedov: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. And now, our halftime TV game show Jeopar-Dee-Dee! To win a mounted singing bass that only knows half the song, text HOOPS to 555-0305 and answer this question: 'How much does a rumor weigh at sea level?' Back on the floor, faces full of determination.

Watch the sell from Charles Oliveira Da Silva here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. The mixed martial arts fighter lines one up from four feet behind the line and the rim rejects the application on the spot. Back to the day job on that possession.

Ball moves. Charles Oliveira Da Silva to Islam Makhachev, on time and on target. Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Islam Makhachev, and not one single soul could do anything about it. Rises, releases, and Islam Makhachev sends the ball through the exact patch of sky where the rim is not.

More second chance points for Phoenix No-Defense, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, Khabib Nurmagomedov gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. Khabib Nurmagomedov rises, the big man rises higher, and the shot is stuffed into the second row. Return to sender.

Dagger from Phoenix No-Defense. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Khabib Nurmagomedov controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Nobody is getting a hand near that. Charles Oliveira Da Silva has all the room in the world. The mixed martial arts fighter just dunked on two grown men and drew the foul. Whatever that job pays, it is not enough.

Charles Oliveira Da Silva crosses his arms into an X, plants his feet at the top of the key and dares somebody to say something. Nobody does. Jon Jones mirrors the pose beside him. Two statues, twenty thousand people screaming, and every camera in the gym pointed at them.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Phoenix No-Defense in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

The mixed martial arts fighter is the engine of a 10-0 run in front of a sold out arena! Somebody go check the schedule, this is not how the day was supposed to go!

Hard drive, hard stop, and Khabib Nurmagomedov retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. Khabib Nurmagomedov catches on the wing, jab step, spin move, and that pivot foot comes clean off the hardwood. Traveling.

Conor McGregor hacks the arm on purpose, then throws both hands up like he has never touched a soul in his life. Nobody is buying it.

Islam Makhachev and Charles Oliveira Da Silva share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. And here is the answer to our game Jeopar-Dee-Dee! Ludene Crabtree of Dry Creek Junction, Oklahoma, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How much does a rumor weigh at sea level?' The answer was of course a pound and a half, considerably more in humid weather. Ludene takes home a mounted singing bass that only knows half the song! During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

75-119 (L)

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Khabib Nurmagomedov drops it off to Jon Jones on time and on target. The thai boxer just ran that two-man game like he has a decade of film on it. Somebody get this man a contract. It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on Islam Makhachev. Cruel.

Turnover, layup, Los Angeles Nursing-Home straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

OHHHH the separation! Charles Oliveira Da Silva just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. A cruel spin-out for the mixed martial arts fighter, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

More second chance points for Los Angeles Nursing-Home, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Islam Makhachev breaks a shell down. Lazy one-hander from Conor McGregor through the middle of the floor, and the defender did not even have to leave his feet to take it.

Halftime whistle! Islam Makhachev grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Did you know? Islam Makhachev tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. And now, our halftime TV game show Family Feudal! To win a five-gallon bucket of assorted screws from a stranger's garage, text HOOPS to 555-0263 and answer this question: 'What color is a school bus at two in the morning?' Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.

Los Angeles Nursing-Home again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Late rotation from Charles Oliveira Da Silva, he arrives half a beat behind the drive and the contact is obvious to everybody in the building. The official flashes five toward the scorer's table and Charles Oliveira Da Silva just stares at the hardwood. He knows what comes next.

A wrestler breaking down a professional defender in front of a sold out house! Remember that day job, folks! That is twice tonight Khabib Nurmagomedov has tried to create with the dribble already dead, and this league does not reward that.

The opposing coach is off his seat waving both arms before the ball is even inbounded. Conor McGregor forced that.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Los Angeles Nursing-Home in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

This is the matchup they wanted all night, and Conor McGregor has quietly turned it into a dead end for their whole offense. Touch pass from Islam Makhachev, and Conor McGregor glides in for the finger roll. Filthy.

Bucket for Los Angeles Nursing-Home. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Push the pace! Khabib Nurmagomedov grabs it and hits Charles Oliveira Da Silva in stride before the defense can even match up. Here comes the slip from Islam Makhachev, and Charles Oliveira Da Silva reads it a half second before anybody else in the building. The mixed martial arts fighter gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here.

Somebody get the thai boxer a rim protection bonus! Clocks out at five, guarding the paint by seven. This league is a wonderful place. The pass is the play here. Jon Jones never even puts the ball on the floor, he just throws it and lets the runners eat. Reverse layup by Charles Oliveira Da Silva, using the rim as a shield the whole way through. A circus act wrapped around textbook footwork.

The wrestler is parked under the rim while three grown men in stripes squint at a screen. Just another day at the office, apparently. The wrestler is finding out what this league does to people. It hands you the moment, then it rolls the tape.

Khabib Nurmagomedov and Charles Oliveira Da Silva share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. And here is the answer to our game Family Feudal! Randy Dinkins of Sockburn, Ohio, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What color is a school bus at two in the morning?' The answer was of course still yellow, but it means something different. Randy takes home a five-gallon bucket of assorted screws from a stranger's garage! On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

78-123 (L)

Clear path on Khabib Nurmagomedov. Two shots AND the ball. That is the expensive one.

That is a coaching staff completely out of answers. Jon Jones has taken this game over and the only tool left in the box is a stoppage.

Turnover, layup, Toronto Border-Patrol straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The mixed martial arts fighter just rotated over and shut the paint down like a shift change. Where does THAT defensive IQ come from?

More second chance points for Toronto Border-Patrol, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Halftime whistle. Khabib Nurmagomedov flops into the first available chair. Rumor has it Khabib Nurmagomedov has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. And now, our halftime TV game show Cash Cab of a Pickup Truck! To win a bag of forty-two mismatched socks, all for the left foot, text HOOPS to 555-0173 and answer this question: 'What do you call a free throw that goes in after hitting the ceiling?' Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.

Screen, roll, DELIVERY from Khabib Nurmagomedov! Nothing but runway to the rim! Missed layup for the mixed martial arts fighter and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

Moving screen on the thai boxer. The rule book is weeping and the coach is already up off the bench.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Toronto Border-Patrol, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

You can read it in the body language. Khabib Nurmagomedov has ice in his veins right now, the shot clock does not scare him, nothing does tonight. Nobody told the wrestler that a hot hand expires, and there he is launching from thirty feet with a defender draped all over him. Back to work.

Laser from Islam Makhachev, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Full stop, full sprint, and the mixed martial arts fighter is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. Conor McGregor gathers on the baseline, absorbs contact from two bodies, and slams it home. That rim is still shaking.

Dagger from Toronto Border-Patrol. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Somebody explain how the wrestler reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. Two defenders, one gap, and Conor McGregor finds it. Onions on that pass. OFF THE IRON and halfway to the bench! Jon Jones missed that one with real conviction.

The mixed martial arts fighter just wiped a layup off the face of the earth and stood over the wreckage! Whatever they teach at that day job, it is working. One hand, full court, Conor McGregor hits Charles Oliveira Da Silva in stride and the crowd is already up. That is body control you simply cannot coach: Charles Oliveira Da Silva stays up a full beat longer than everybody else and finishes clean.

Charles Oliveira Da Silva pulls the jersey away from his chest and points at the crest, twice, hard, then taps his heart. No smile, no theater. The arena horn keeps going long after it should stop. Somebody up in the rafters is holding a sign about this exact city.

Toronto Border-Patrol again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Offensive foul on the mixed martial arts fighter. He gets through an entire work week without a single collision and then does THIS on a basketball floor.

Conor McGregor isolates in a corner, back against the wall. Charles Oliveira Da Silva tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. And here is the answer to our game Cash Cab of a Pickup Truck! Harlan Spivey of Bent Fender, Montana, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What do you call a free throw that goes in after hitting the ceiling?' The answer was of course a blessing, and the whole gym has to be re-blessed. Harlan takes home a bag of forty-two mismatched socks, all for the left foot! I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

88-132 (L)

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Minnesota Ice-Wall with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

No hero ball here: Islam Makhachev takes what the defense gives and moves it along. BAAAANG! Conor McGregor sets the table and the pick-and-pop three goes down like somebody scripted it. The thai boxer launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

Take fouls are a coaching decision, but never that one. Jon Jones fouled in the open floor with nothing to protect, and the scoreboard is about to punish him for it. The temperature in this arena just jumped. Jon Jones took a dangerous hit, both benches are on their feet, and the officials have peacekeeping to do.

Foul on the three-point shooter, and it is Jon Jones. The coach is off the bench with both arms out. FOUR on Jon Jones! Grab a towel, that is the bench for a while.

Dagger from Minnesota Ice-Wall. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Intermission. Conor McGregor dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Did you know? Conor McGregor has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. And now, our halftime TV game show Blockbusters the Video Store One! To win a garden gnome missing both arms, text HOOPS to 555-0712 and answer this question: 'Which is louder, an air horn or a grandmother who disagrees with a call?' Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!

The wrestler is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. Charles Oliveira Da Silva eats the contact so Conor McGregor can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. Rim, backboard, none of the above from the mixed martial arts fighter! Ladies and gentlemen, that is a person with a real job, and we have all just been reminded of it.

Watch the spacing there, Islam Makhachev hits Charles Oliveira Da Silva right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. Textbook two-man game: Charles Oliveira Da Silva keeps the dribble alive, forces the big man to commit, and Conor McGregor rolls into an open runway. A cut with that timing from the mixed martial arts fighter? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. Stop on a dime, up and over those outstretched arms, and the center can only stand there and watch Conor McGregor walk away from it.

Shoving match at the scorer's table, except it is between Khabib Nurmagomedov and an assistant coach who both want to hug Conor McGregor first. Conor McGregor lets them sort it out. The trainer has given up on protecting anybody. Somebody's clipboard is already on the floor.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Minnesota Ice-Wall in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

The mixed martial arts fighter just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! AROUND the cylinder and OUT! Charles Oliveira Da Silva cannot believe it, and neither can this building.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Charles Oliveira Da Silva has known that all night long. Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Khabib Nurmagomedov makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. Not close, not warm, not anywhere for Charles Oliveira Da Silva, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet.

Turnover, layup, Minnesota Ice-Wall straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Charles Oliveira Da Silva gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Khabib Nurmagomedov saw it a beat early. The mixed martial arts fighter reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. Oldest play in the book and it still works: Charles Oliveira Da Silva passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. That little shot is what keeps guards employed in this league, and Charles Oliveira Da Silva has it on a string tonight.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Minnesota Ice-Wall, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Onions from Jon Jones! He plants himself in front of a freight train and just wears the whole thing. Not a bite on the pump fake, Jon Jones stays tall, and the floater dies on the iron.

OHHHH the tension! Nobody is sitting, nobody is blinking, all of it rides on Khabib Nurmagomedov. The wrestler is finding out what this league does to people. It hands you the moment, then it rolls the tape.

Conor McGregor's gaze is cold, distant. Islam Makhachev's gaze is hot, angry. And here is the answer to our game show Blockbusters the Video Store One! Travis Wayne Trundle of Hardtack, Indiana, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Which is louder, an air horn or a grandmother who disagrees with a call?' The answer was of course the grandmother, by a margin researchers declined to publish. Travis Wayne therefore wins a garden gnome missing both arms! On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

79-124 (L)

Houston Blast-Off again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Watch the spacing there, Khabib Nurmagomedov hits Charles Oliveira Da Silva right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Charles Oliveira Da Silva does. Rim, backboard, none of the above from the mixed martial arts fighter! Ladies and gentlemen, that is a person with a real job, and we have all just been reminded of it.

The wrestler misses absolutely everything, and honestly, the nerve to even attempt that shot deserves something. Not points. But something. Muscled away at the second jump by Charles Oliveira Da Silva, and this offense resets with a fresh shot clock. Second pass beats the rotation, Charles Oliveira Da Silva to Islam Makhachev, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. The ball skips around the perimeter, Charles Oliveira Da Silva finds the open man on the weak side, and Islam Makhachev buries it.

They do not teach that in the wrestler handbook, and yet here we are. Beautiful little exchange. That is the shot Charles Oliveira Da Silva wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Houston Blast-Off with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Off to the locker room. Islam Makhachev has already drained two water bottles. Anecdote: Islam Makhachev lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. And now, our halftime TV game show Family Feudal! To win a five-gallon bucket of assorted screws from a stranger's garage, text HOOPS to 555-0263 and answer this question: 'What color is a school bus at two in the morning?' Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.

Somebody explain how the wrestler reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. Watch Jon Jones plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring Charles Oliveira Da Silva out of that corner in a blink. The mixed martial arts fighter misses absolutely everything, and honestly, the nerve to even attempt that shot deserves something. Not points. But something.

Total control. Khabib Nurmagomedov has this thing on a string. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Conor McGregor spun out of a double team like it was a revolving door! Conor McGregor went for the deep heat check and produced the loudest silence of the night, roar to OHHHH in half a second.

STOP AND GO! Charles Oliveira Da Silva hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. Twenty-four seconds of standing around, and Charles Oliveira Da Silva has to eat the last two of them. Possession wasted long before the shot went up.

Turnover, layup, Houston Blast-Off straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Khabib Nurmagomedov makes it every single trip down the floor. Jon Jones tries to force it through two bodies and finds nothing but the defender's hands.

Cold blooded from Houston Blast-Off, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Khabib Nurmagomedov already has the defense a full step behind. The other bench sent their best perimeter stopper out on Conor McGregor, and they are learning in real time that it will not be enough tonight. Perfect drop-off from Charles Oliveira Da Silva, and Conor McGregor answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Houston Blast-Off in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

A chair knocked flat, an assistant coach holding somebody back by the jersey, that whole row completely unhinged. That is the Khabib Nurmagomedov effect.

HERE IT COMES! Every soul in this gym knows the ball is going to Charles Oliveira Da Silva, and it may not matter one bit. Charles Oliveira Da Silva delivers on the second option, Conor McGregor buries it, and the coach is already walking back to the bench like he knew. He did know.

Shimmy from the corner all the way to half court, shoulders loose, chin high. Conor McGregor is in no hurry whatsoever. The home bench tries to copy it and produces something closer to a seizure. The building decides it loves both versions equally.

Charles Oliveira Da Silva turns back to look at the court one last time. Islam Makhachev doesn't turn around. And here is the answer to our game Family Feudal! Randy Dinkins of Sockburn, Ohio, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What color is a school bus at two in the morning?' The answer was of course still yellow, but it means something different. Randy takes home a five-gallon bucket of assorted screws from a stranger's garage! During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

88-132 (L)

Bucket for Denver Horse-Track. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Push the pace! Khabib Nurmagomedov grabs it and hits Charles Oliveira Da Silva in stride before the defense can even match up. Charles Oliveira Da Silva turns the corner off the screen from Conor McGregor, the help never rotates, and the lane is WIDE open! Jon Jones threads a BEAUTY to Conor McGregor under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

Ball into Jon Jones at the elbow, Islam Makhachev plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. Oh, that is rough. Islam Makhachev killed his own dribble and then started a brand new one.

Total control. Khabib Nurmagomedov has this thing on a string. Islam Makhachev rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. Getting to his spot and elevating, Islam Makhachev puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Denver Horse-Track, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Buzzer sounds, halftime! Islam Makhachev walks head down toward the tunnel. Did you know Islam Makhachev once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. And now, our halftime TV game show Minute to Win It or Whatever! To win a bathrobe that is technically a curtain, text HOOPS to 555-0827 and answer this question: 'How many pairs of sneakers are hanging from power lines nationwide?' Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.

Five bodies moving as one, Khabib Nurmagomedov barking out every rotation, and there is not a crack anywhere in this thing. Somewhere there is a shift with the mixed martial arts fighter written on it for tomorrow morning. Tonight he is out here erasing shots.

Over the top of everybody. Charles Oliveira Da Silva to Islam Makhachev in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the mixed martial arts fighter made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. Prayer from Islam Makhachev. Not answered.

Swing, swing, and Khabib Nurmagomedov finds Jon Jones on the wing before the help can even turn its head. Court vision like that on the thai boxer is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. So close. Charles Oliveira Da Silva can only stare at the iron.

BRICK! Charles Oliveira Da Silva throws up a prayer and the iron sends it straight back out to half court! Another extra possession courtesy of the thai boxer, a man who evidently boxes out at work too. Some habits do not clock out. Jon Jones drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. Runner in the lane by Charles Oliveira Da Silva, high off the fingertips, straight down through the net. Splash!

Wiping imaginary dust off both shoulders, Charles Oliveira Da Silva strolls back on defense at the speed of a man walking his dog. Jon Jones carries the bit further and mimes brushing off his shoes. The bench is on the floor. The head coach is not laughing, but only barely.

Cold blooded from Denver Horse-Track, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

REJECTED! Jon Jones gets ALL of that jumper and the building erupts!

Ohhh no. Corner three, Denver Horse-Track in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

That was pure cinema from the mixed martial arts fighter. Whatever he does for a living, it clearly involves an audience and a curtain call.

Denver Horse-Track again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Conor McGregor beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless. Hustle play of the night so far. Charles Oliveira Da Silva gave up his ribs for one extra possession and the bench is on its feet. Miss, tip, bucket. Charles Oliveira Da Silva makes his living in the wreckage.

Charles Oliveira Da Silva does the bit whole team practiced in the hotel: a slow-motion handshake with Conor McGregor that goes on far too long, sound effects included. Six full seconds. The referee stands there holding the ball. Neither man breaks character.

Charles Oliveira Da Silva's eyes are red, jaw tight. Conor McGregor apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. And here is the answer to our game show Minute to Win It or Whatever! Bernice Chadwick of Cabbage Patch Corners, Wisconsin, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many pairs of sneakers are hanging from power lines nationwide?' The answer was of course two million and change, and not one pair matches. Bernice therefore wins a bathrobe that is technically a curtain! On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

76-121 (L)

Cold blooded from New York Over-Timers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Bad shot. Everybody in the gym knew it the second Charles Oliveira Da Silva loaded up.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Islam Makhachev threw it before the help even committed. You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and Khabib Nurmagomedov gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. Third one of these from Jon Jones this quarter, third time the arc is wrong. The lane is not open real estate anymore.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, New York Over-Timers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Khabib Nurmagomedov has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Islam Makhachev precisely where the play wanted it. Islam Makhachev holds it, waits, waits some more, then lets it go at the last possible instant to Charles Oliveira Da Silva flying by. That is a half-second window and he threads it. The mixed martial arts fighter just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! OHHHHH FROM THE LOGO! Conor McGregor pulls up from another area code and it is PURE!

Halftime! Charles Oliveira Da Silva is limping slightly heading off the court. Little secret: Charles Oliveira Da Silva watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. And now, our halftime TV game show The Joker Is Wild and Unlicensed! To win a mesh trucker hat that says WORLDS OKAYEST UNCLE, text HOOPS to 555-0584 and answer this question: 'What is the name of the guy who mops the floor between timeouts?' Back on the floor, faces full of determination.

A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Charles Oliveira Da Silva pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. The mixed martial arts fighter just had his shot delivered into the courtside seats. Tough scene, but at least the day job is safe.

Turnover, layup, New York Over-Timers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Total control. Khabib Nurmagomedov has this thing on a string. The thai boxer just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! OHHHH, the cylinder rejects the thai boxer! Somewhere a whole workplace just yelled at a television.

OHHHH, what a read by Islam Makhachev! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. ONIONS from Charles Oliveira Da Silva! He saw the hit coming and went up into it anyway. First one drops clean through, the second one never even touches iron. Cold blooded from Charles Oliveira Da Silva.

Pointing up at the family section, Charles Oliveira Da Silva taps his chest twice and holds up a fist. A kid in a replica jersey is crying, and so is his mother. A camera crew finds them in nine seconds flat. Sixty seconds of pure decency on national television.

New York Over-Timers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The thai boxer fouled a shooter behind the arc. Three free throws, and a timeout that is going to be extremely unpleasant. He stays out there with five, which tells you how much this coach trusts Jon Jones and how little he trusts anybody else.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for New York Over-Timers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Ball squirts loose off the knee of the wrestler. Back to the day job, my friend. Back to the day job.

Somebody explain how the wrestler reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. This is the counter: Conor McGregor punished a defense that kept going under, and now they have to rip up the game plan. Charles Oliveira Da Silva fires that thing at the backboard like it owes him money. No chance from the moment it left his hand.

Whistles. Monitor. And Conor McGregor standing frozen at midcourt. Late by a blink. Conor McGregor is going to see that frame in his sleep tonight.

Charles Oliveira Da Silva sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Khabib Nurmagomedov has his head in his hands. And here is the answer to our game show The Joker Is Wild and Unlicensed! Buford Tanksley of Sour Lake Bottom, Texas, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the name of the guy who mops the floor between timeouts?' The answer was of course that his name is also Gary, which raises further questions. Buford therefore wins a mesh trucker hat that says WORLDS OKAYEST UNCLE! Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

82-127 (L)

The referee tosses it high and Conor McGregor rises late, which is exactly how you win one of these. Timing over height, every single time.

Cleveland Twin-Towers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Two defenders collide on the handoff and Conor McGregor is gone, so Khabib Nurmagomedov earned that one even if the box score disagrees. The whistle blows, the crowd erupts, and Conor McGregor hangs on the iron just long enough to make his point.

Conor McGregor deadpans directly into the broadcast camera: nod, wink, gone. Total elapsed time, one and a half seconds. The commentators lose it completely. Charles Oliveira Da Silva arrives too late and mugs at an empty lens for nobody at all.

Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from Charles Oliveira Da Silva. A jump hook over a grown professional defender, from the mixed martial arts fighter? That is the most unexpected fundamentals clinic of the night.

Help defense from the mixed martial arts fighter! Somebody in this league is getting paid millions to be a full step slower than that. No block, no foul, just Islam Makhachev being ENORMOUS in the lane, and that shot never had a chance.

Coach calls everyone back. Khabib Nurmagomedov drags his feet toward the tunnel. Intel: Khabib Nurmagomedov asked Cleveland Twin-Towers for their energy drink recipe. They refused. And now, our halftime TV game show Hee Haw Halftime Hoedown! To win a stack of TV listings magazines from the winter of 1986, text HOOPS to 555-0466 and answer this question: 'How many gallons of sweat does an average pep band produce?' Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Cleveland Twin-Towers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Khabib Nurmagomedov controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Islam Makhachev rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. Nobody drew up that arc. The mixed martial arts fighter floated one halfway to the rafters, and the rim never even got a say.

Cold blooded from Cleveland Twin-Towers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Islam Makhachev launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! Jon Jones never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! The big man never even contested it, and Jon Jones still could not get the runner to drop. That one is on him.

SKIP PASS! Charles Oliveira Da Silva fires it cross court to Khabib Nurmagomedov and the defense is dead in the water! The extra pass! Khabib Nurmagomedov had the look, gave it up anyway, and Conor McGregor buries it. BANG! No touch. Conor McGregor left the soft hands in the locker room tonight.

Set called, Jon Jones waved out to the corner, and Khabib Nurmagomedov watches the spacing open up like a front door. OHHHH the separation! Jon Jones just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. Rim, backboard, none of the above from the thai boxer! Ladies and gentlemen, that is a person with a real job, and we have all just been reminded of it.

Dagger from Cleveland Twin-Towers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Watch the change of pace from Khabib Nurmagomedov, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and Khabib Nurmagomedov is walking back with both hands on his head.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Cleveland Twin-Towers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Islam Makhachev sets the pick and DIVES to the cup. Khabib Nurmagomedov lays it right on his hands in traffic! You can hear that rim ringing from up here, Islam Makhachev has forced three in a row now and the whole offense has stopped moving.

Charles Oliveira Da Silva presses his forehead against the tunnel glass. Jon Jones walks right past without noticing. And here is the answer to our game Hee Haw Halftime Hoedown! Trudy Gebhardt of Sauerkraut Bend, North Dakota, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many gallons of sweat does an average pep band produce?' The answer was of course just under four, and most of it from the tuba section. Trudy takes home a stack of TV listings magazines from the winter of 1986! I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

78-122 (L)

Bucket for Boston Ring-Chasers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Dribble handoff from Khabib Nurmagomedov, and the defender gets wiped out on the exchange! Watch the feet on Conor McGregor there, still drifting sideways at the release, and that is exactly why the floater sails wide left of everything. The wrestler outworked everybody on the glass! Effort does not care what is printed on your business card. The wrestler just went up over everybody and put that miss back with two hands. That is a night he tells his grandkids about!

Turnover, layup, Boston Ring-Chasers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The mixed martial arts fighter is parked under the rim while three grown men in stripes squint at a screen. Just another day at the office, apparently. The bench behind Islam Makhachev is going crazy, and it should be, that is a stolen possession without stealing anything.

Read, screen, delivery, right on the money. A wrestler making the right pass every single time, and the league is taking notes. That is the second illegal pick of the night from Conor McGregor, and possessions like that are how you lose a tight one.

Break! Khabib Nurmagomedov takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Little secret: Khabib Nurmagomedov watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. And now, our halftime TV game show Lingo but Nobody Speaks! To win a hot tub cover with no hot tub anywhere near it, text HOOPS to 555-0241 and answer this question: 'How many times can you refold a road map before it turns against you?' We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.

Cold blooded from Boston Ring-Chasers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

The mixed martial arts fighter just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! The mixed martial arts fighter lines one up from four feet behind the line and the rim rejects the application on the spot. Back to the day job on that possession.

The wrestler makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. A cut with that timing from the mixed martial arts fighter? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. Fifth possession this half where Conor McGregor has been left to bail everybody out with the clock at zero. He cannot keep doing this alone.

Unsportsmanlike foul on Conor McGregor, and this one costs double.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Boston Ring-Chasers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the mixed martial arts fighter made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. The mixed martial arts fighter just turned a straight-up mugging into a three-point play. Whatever the day job pays, it is nowhere near enough.

Off comes the headband, launched into the crowd like a rock star, and the fight for it delays the inbound. Charles Oliveira Da Silva watches two adults wrestle in row four. Half the arena is filming that instead of the game. Everybody in here has lost the plot.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Boston Ring-Chasers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Iso for the mixed martial arts fighter, and after the shift that man put in today, the defender is the one I feel sorry for. Feet were down. Islam Makhachev drove through a brick wall, and the officials agree with the brick wall.

OHHHH no, Khabib Nurmagomedov floats it crosscourt and it gets picked off clean. That thing is going the other way.

One little shoulder dip from Khabib Nurmagomedov and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. Rising into two defenders, Khabib Nurmagomedov launches a jumper that finds nothing but backboard and bad decisions.

Conor McGregor collapses into the first available chair. Khabib Nurmagomedov stays standing, eyes glazed over. And here is the answer to our game Lingo but Nobody Speaks! Clovis Whittenberg of Number Nine Curve, New York, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many times can you refold a road map before it turns against you?' The answer was of course three, after which you simply live with it open. Clovis takes home a hot tub cover with no hot tub anywhere near it! On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

80-125 (L)

Turnover, layup, San Antonio Skyscrapers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Swing, swing, and Charles Oliveira Da Silva finds Islam Makhachev on the wing before the help can even turn its head. Kick out to Islam Makhachev, one more to Jon Jones, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. The thai boxer misses absolutely everything, and honestly, the nerve to even attempt that shot deserves something. Not points. But something.

San Antonio Skyscrapers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Khabib Nurmagomedov just did it by hitting Jon Jones on the back side with acres of room. Straight down the baseline goes the thai boxer! Whatever shift he worked this morning, he clearly left plenty in the tank. Long miss from the thai boxer and the rebound goes the other way, but let the record show that most people in that line of work never even get to take that shot.

Somebody explain how the wrestler reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. The thai boxer reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. Oh my. Jon Jones did not even draw iron.

First half is done. Conor McGregor is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Anecdote: Conor McGregor once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. And now, our halftime TV game show Beat the Shot Clock! To win a rusted horseshoe signed by a man named Dale, text HOOPS to 555-0533 and answer this question: 'What is the boiling point of nacho cheese at concession stand altitude?' The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.

Bucket for San Antonio Skyscrapers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Laser from Charles Oliveira Da Silva, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Jon Jones just took a shoulder to the chest to buy Islam Makhachev half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. Two guys on the exact same page, Islam Makhachev and Khabib Nurmagomedov, and the defense is left holding a bag of nothing. Watch the footwork from Islam Makhachev: one-two into the paint, no charge, feathery touch off the glass. Filthy craft.

Slow walk, no expression. Islam Makhachev backpedals past the San Antonio Skyscrapers huddle close enough to hear what is being said and never turns his head. The crowd noise is a physical object at this point. One of their assistants stands up, and nothing comes of it.

OHHHH the pocket pass! Khabib Nurmagomedov splits the coverage and the roll man is loose under the basket! Islam Makhachev blows the wide open layup!

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Islam Makhachev makes it every single trip down the floor. Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, Khabib Nurmagomedov and Jon Jones just played basketball and the defense got shredded. Shot clock at one, and Khabib Nurmagomedov just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for San Antonio Skyscrapers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

OHHHH, Khabib Nurmagomedov just took that thing right out of his hands! Islam Makhachev rips the rebound and fires it up the sideline, Khabib Nurmagomedov catches in stride and kisses it off the glass.

Ohhh no. Corner three, San Antonio Skyscrapers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

The wrestler is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. Off the pin-down comes the mixed martial arts fighter with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Conor McGregor!

Charles Oliveira Da Silva launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Right idea, no zip on it, and at this level Islam Makhachev either puts some heat on that ball or he keeps it in his hands.

Total control. Khabib Nurmagomedov has this thing on a string. Here comes the slip from Khabib Nurmagomedov, and Islam Makhachev reads it a half second before anybody else in the building. OHHHH, the cylinder rejects the wrestler! Somewhere a whole workplace just yelled at a television.

Islam Makhachev snaps at the bench on his way out. Charles Oliveira Da Silva says nothing, but his look says everything. And here is the answer to our game show Beat the Shot Clock! Randall Meeks of Coon Holler Springs, Kentucky, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the boiling point of nacho cheese at concession stand altitude?' The answer was of course that it does not boil, it simply becomes more determined. Randall therefore wins a rusted horseshoe signed by a man named Dale! Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

86-131 (L)

OHHHH, what a read by Charles Oliveira Da Silva! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. Nobody moved, nobody cut, nobody set a screen, so Islam Makhachev launches a contested jumper with the horn already going. Ugly offense.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

The mixed martial arts fighter pulls out the crossover of his life, and Monday morning he clocks in like nothing ever happened. In, around, and gone. The iron gives Charles Oliveira Da Silva nothing.

SKIP PASS! Khabib Nurmagomedov fires it cross court to Islam Makhachev and the defense is dead in the water! Read, screen, delivery, right on the money. A mixed martial arts fighter making the right pass every single time, and the league is taking notes. HAMMER! Charles Oliveira Da Silva goes right through the trees and throws it DOWN with the foul!

Golf swing follow-through, perfect form, Charles Oliveira Da Silva tracks the imaginary ball into the upper deck with a hand shading his eyes. Somebody in the front row yells about a hole in one. The referee has now warned this team twice and been ignored twice.

A full spin move through traffic from the mixed martial arts fighter! Whatever they teach in that trade, footwork is apparently part of it. Shot clock at one, and Charles Oliveira Da Silva just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing.

The locker room fills up. Charles Oliveira Da Silva has already eaten three oranges. Intel: Charles Oliveira Da Silva asked Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest for their energy drink recipe. They refused. And now, our halftime TV game show Legends of the Hidden Thermostat! To win a snow globe of a town that has never once had snow, text HOOPS to 555-0247 and answer this question: 'Which came first, the tailgate or the truck?' Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.

Bucket for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

No hero ball here: Islam Makhachev takes what the defense gives and moves it along. Dribble alive, patient, patient, and then Khabib Nurmagomedov slips it to Charles Oliveira Da Silva right in the pocket. Surgical. Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, Charles Oliveira Da Silva goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard.

Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Charles Oliveira Da Silva makes it every single trip down the floor. Screened, toasted, done. Jon Jones is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. Day job, then this: the thai boxer reads a rolling big like a coach with twenty years on the bench. OHHHH what a FINISH from Conor McGregor! Hanging, hanging, and laying it high off the glass on the way down!

Flexing under the basket, mouth wide open, Conor McGregor roars at nobody in particular. The sound carries over the crowd noise, which should be physically impossible. The referee waits with folded arms, like a substitute teacher who has seen considerably worse.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Khabib Nurmagomedov breaks a shell down. Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the mixed martial arts fighter made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. Up goes the shot from Charles Oliveira Da Silva and that is nothing but AIR, and every soul in this building saw it happen.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Somebody explain the arc to the wrestler. He gave away three shots on a prayer, and you can watch the coach age in real time.

Dagger from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Right on time, not a half step late. Jon Jones makes that ball handler pull it back out with absolutely nothing to show for it.

Both coaches are up off the bench pleading while the officials walk the Jon Jones sequence back frame by frame. The thai boxer is finding out what this league does to people. It hands you the moment, then it rolls the tape.

Conor McGregor has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Islam Makhachev has aged ten years in forty minutes. And here is the answer to our game Legends of the Hidden Thermostat! Duane Grubbs of Sour Lake Flats, Louisiana, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'Which came first, the tailgate or the truck?' The answer was of course the tailgate, and it waited nineteen years. Duane takes home a snow globe of a town that has never once had snow! While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.