My dream soccer team — football_team 🇦🇺

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-2 (L)

Royal interception from Thomas the Apostle! He positions himself in the passing corridor and plucks the ball out of thin air. Win the ball, punch forward, the transition is electric! Ronaldo does not hesitate, he unleashes a LUMBERJACK strike that ends up smack in the middle of the goal!

Oh dear oh dear! Paris Saint-Glinglin score and the dugout is fuming. Rightly so.

Jesus Christ throws it out quickly to Thomas the Apostle, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Thomas the Apostle sprays the ball into no-man's land, the pass finds nobody. Wasteful stuff at this level. What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end. Sublime through ball from Ronaldo for Bartholomew the Apostle who ghosts between the two centre-backs. The line is broken. Effort from Bartholomew the Apostle, just wide but it was close. The keeper was beaten, just the post in the way.

Bodies everywhere, nobody cares about fatigue, they just need a goal. Looping cross from Timothy, it sails over the centre-halves and drops towards Bartholomew the Apostle. Danger. The presbyter gets his cross wrong, too much juice on it. The intent is there but the execution lets him down tonight. The warlord hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did.

Elastico from the farmer, the defender is bamboozled. That kind of showmanship in that role is the X-factor that makes the difference. Noah loses the ball trying to dribble, the defender was the smarter of the two. Free kick conceded by Ronaldo, a nibble at the opponent's heels. Enough to bring him down. The free kick from Ronaldo is superb, it picks out John the Evangelist unmarked in the box.

Deathly silence in the dressing room. You could hear a pin drop. John the Evangelist sits with {his} head in {his} hands, the picture of a footballer who knows {he} has had a nightmare. Thomas the Apostle is slumped against the wall, eyes vacant. The gaffer stands in front of them, veins bulging in his neck, searching for words that will not come out as screaming. Scouts initially spotted Pelé not on a pitch but in a Greggs queue, where the 86-year-old demonstrated elite spatial awareness and patience beyond his years. At 173, the lad dominated the sausage roll section. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 1234 and answer this question: 'How many pints fit inside a standard British apology?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Bartholomew the Apostle wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

Crucial intervention from the presbyter, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on. Ball recovered and they've gone from end to end in the blink of an eye. Devastating burst of pace from David, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank. Cross from David, he puts it on the far post for Matthew the Apostle.

Pelé plays off Ronaldo, the return arrives right down the middle and Pelé is free as a bird. Pelé jumps the gun on Paul the Apostle's through ball. Clear offside, good call. Short restart from the messiah to David, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. The warlord finds Pelé along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average.

Dead time on the pitch, both sides happy to keep it ticking over. Foul by John the Evangelist in the middle of the park, breaks up a promising move. John the Evangelist sees yellow for persistent infringement. The referee had been far too lenient. John the Evangelist strikes the free kick and the wall rises in front of it. No way through.

A thousand passes ending with a backpass to the keeper, utterly frustrating. The missionary switches the play to Bartholomew the Apostle, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. Bartholomew the Apostle lofts a cross into the box, Timothy is there, sandwiched between two defenders, ready to pounce. Jesus Christ comes out to the penalty spot and grabs the ball. Aerial command, all under control.

GOAAAL for Paris Saint-Glinglin! What a howler at the back, that's been gifted to them.

Jesus Christ falls to his knees in front of the family section, eyes shut, hands pressed together to the sky. Three seconds of silence in the stadium. Then Pelé arrives and screams in his ear, and the whole thing explodes. Goosebumps.

Hollow dominance, not a single dangerous move on show. John the Evangelist keeps it short to Timothy, no frills, just good football intelligence. Short pass from the bishop to Ronaldo, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Ronaldo weights his pass into the space for Thomas the Apostle who collects at full pace without breaking stride. Perfection.

Corner from Timothy, header from Ronaldo at the penalty spot but it is off target. He should have scored. Jesus Christ sparks the transition with a quick throw to Ronaldo, the break is lightning fast. Ronaldo sets it for Bartholomew the Apostle, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Massive diagonal from Bartholomew the Apostle! Pelé receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards.

That's that, then. David trudges off with his socks rolled down and his head somewhere else entirely. Ronaldo hangs back to applaud the fans who stayed — there aren't many, but they're still singing. Loyalty like that deserves a nod. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Keith Drizzleton, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many pints fit inside a standard British apology?'. The answer was of course three and a half, or four if you really mean it. Keith wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

1-1 (L)

Superb tackle from the presbyter, cleans up the danger without breaking a sweat. When you've got a player like that in the role, you sleep easy at night. Matthew the Apostle picks it up from thirty yards and powers through the entire midfield. Nobody can stop him. GOAL! The presbyter chips the ball over the keeper! In that position, that audacity and composure is what sets you apart from the rest. SUMPTUOUS lob, that is WORLD CLASS!

Matthew the Apostle rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Pelé jumps on his back, Jesus Christ is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

Perfect low cut-back from Timothy, the ball slides across the box and Thomas the Apostle just has to finish. Thomas the Apostle wastes the gift from John the Evangelist, open goal staring at him and he fires wide. You cannot miss those. Beautiful distribution from Jesus Christ to Pelé, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder.

They've nicked a goal! México No-Era-Penal catch us cold on the break.

Timothy drops a lofted ball to Bartholomew the Apostle, it sails over the entire midfield line. Masterful aerial duel from Bartholomew the Apostle, he gets above everyone and heads it clear. The attacker was left as a spectator.

They push up as a unit, the opposition can't string two passes together. Bartholomew the Apostle absolutely butchers that pass, straight into the feet of the opposition. That is a tackle of the highest order from Noah. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic. Extraordinary run from Noah, he beats three men and arrives at the edge of the box. Noah strikes from 20 yards, good effort but it drifts just right. A touch too much curl.

The gaffer pulls up México No-Era-Penal's shape on the screen: "See how high their line is? One ball over the top and we are in. Matthew the Apostle, you have the pace. John the Evangelist, you have the vision. Put it together and we are laughing." It sounds simple. Football always sounds simple at halftime. Doing it is the hard part. Lovely story from Timothy's childhood — he used to practice free kicks in the alley behind a chip shop in Doncaster. The owner would give him a free bag of scraps if he hit the wheelie bin from thirty yards. That's where 180 of pure talent was forged. And now, our TV game show Come Dine With Regret! To win a microwave meal for two from M&S food hall, text 0800PING and answer: 'What is the fanciest thing you can make using only items from the reduced aisle?' The tunnel spits the players back onto the pitch one by one. David comes out with that walk. You know the one. Shoulders back, chest out. Something has clicked.

The missionary slides in with a perfect tackle and wins the ball. That's exactly the kind of intervention you want from someone in that position. Thomas the Apostle spots Bartholomew the Apostle in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness.

Thomas the Apostle clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. Long ball from Paul the Apostle to Pelé, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. Pelé sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. The cross from Pelé is a gift for the keeper who catches it with total composure. Jesus Christ goes long for Thomas the Apostle, the ball flies straight into the opposition half.

Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed. John the Evangelist puts Matthew the Apostle into orbit with a laser-guided through ball. The kind of pass that lifts an entire stadium to its feet. The presbyter strays just offside on Timothy's pass, the linesman raises his flag. Brutal.

Wing switch from Thomas the Apostle, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and John the Evangelist brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. John the Evangelist tries a crossfield ball to Bartholomew the Apostle but it is miles too long, the ball sails out. Nothing to salvage. Pelé reads the attempted through ball and intercepts in stride. The defence wanted to play it quick, but Pelé was quicker. Diagonal from Pelé to John the Evangelist, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go.

Lovely anticipation from the presbyter who cuts out the opposition pass. In his position, that kind of interception is worth as much as a goal. Matthew the Apostle rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Noah. The far side is completely deserted. Noah tries to open it up for Matthew the Apostle but the timing is miles off. Possession lost. Lovely quick transition, but the final decision-making is terrible. Bartholomew the Apostle puts Thomas the Apostle in on a plate with a clean pass into space. Not a defender within five yards.

Vertical press, the opposition has to go long and aimless. Magnificent tackle from Matthew the Apostle! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. The timing is everything: Matthew the Apostle releases the ball at the perfect moment and Pelé explodes into the space behind. The defence is cooked. Pelé has a go and it's on target but the keeper is equal to it. Good save. The corner from Pelé is thumped clear by the defence, back to the halfway line.

Draw against México No-Era-Penal. Paul the Apostle kisses the club badge as he passes the home end — a gesture for the fans, regardless. John the Evangelist does the same. The squad stays tight, the season rolls on. Nights like this, you close ranks. Tracey from Stockport says a prawn cocktail made entirely from items reduced to ten pence. M&S meal for Tracey! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

2-1 (W)

And there it is, Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score! The writing was on the wall after that pressure.

Final knee slide with controlled drift. Jesus Christ ends up against the hoardings in a fallen angel pose. Bartholomew the Apostle leaps over him. Jesus Christ walks over, shakes his head like an exasperated dad. Stadium oscillating. Pure madness.

High recovery from Timothy after a three-second press. The defender panicked under the pressure and who can blame him. Rapid turnover and they're bearing down on goal, heart-in-mouth stuff. GOOOAL for Ronaldo! He read the trajectory and slides the ball past the keeper. STRIKER'S goal!

Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered. Telepathic pass from Noah to Thomas the Apostle, like they rehearsed it at breakfast. The ball fizzes in behind the defence. GOAL for Thomas the Apostle! The keeper parries it in front of him, the ball is loose, he just has to push it in. EASY GOAL but well placed!

Rehearsed move all week: Noah and Pelé stage a Wild West duel, back to back, ten paces, turn, fire. Jesus Christ plays the corpse in the middle. The stadium wants an encore, they do it twice more before the ref cuts it off.

Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart. The evangelist misplaces his pass to Pelé, the ball goes nowhere. Not his finest moment.

The evangelist launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. Lovely interception from Ronaldo, he anticipated the movement and cut off the pass before it reached its target. Ronaldo clears in a panic off his weaker foot, it is not clean but it is out. The important thing is the ball is miles away. Sterile stuff this, pass after pass going nowhere fast.

The dressing room smells of Deep Heat and good decisions. David is sat in the corner, ice on {his} shoulder, replaying {his} tackle on the phone. "Look at that, absolutely textbook," {he} says to Paul the Apostle. The gaffer nods. "That is the level I want for the whole second half. No let-up." A scouting report from Timothy's youth days says — and I quote — 'technically raw, but can eat a full Sunday roast in under eight minutes.' That kind of efficiency translates to the pitch. He's now 2009 and hasn't slowed down at the dinner table. And now, our TV game show University Challenge Yourself! To win an umbrella that actually works, text 4012 and answer: 'How many consecutive days of rain does it take for a British person to mention the weather?' The dressing rooms empty and the pitch fills up again. Timothy does a few quick stretches on the touchline before jogging into position. Ready for war.

They push up sky high, the defender is forced into a hurried clearance. David blocks the run of the opponent, uses the body well but the ref says no. David sends the free kick into the night sky. That is never coming down.

Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper. The warlord plays it simple to Timothy, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Feint from Timothy, he shifts his body right and goes left. The defender is bamboozled. The bishop slides a perfect cut-back for Matthew the Apostle in the box. When you have got that vision from the flank, you are world class. Good ball from the presbyter to Pelé, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does.

Pelé charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible. PENALTY for Pelé! The defender TACKLES him in the box, the referee blows without hesitation. The player gets up, the pressure is on his SHOULDERS now. Pelé blazes the penalty over the bar! It's missed, the pressure got to him.

Gorgeous crossfield ball from Noah to Bartholomew the Apostle, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow. The presbyter dominates his marker in the air with insulting ease. That kind of aerial mastery in that position makes a team unbeatable from set pieces. Bartholomew the Apostle explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening. The presbyter rolls it back along the ground for Ronaldo. The kind of ball that tears defensive lines apart in the big matches. The shot from Ronaldo is blocked, the defender put his body on the line.

Noah puts hellish pressure on the opposition build-up and forces the turnover. That is what high pressing looks like. Wide from the farmer! The ball licks the post. In that role, that shooting ability is a real asset, the next one's going in. The opposition has eleven behind the ball and a smile on their face. Brilliant opening from Ronaldo for Bartholomew the Apostle, frees up the entire left flank. Cut-back along the turf from the presbyter for Thomas the Apostle. That kind of low delivery takes serious game intelligence.

The messiah goes long for Thomas the Apostle, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. The missionary reads the pass and intercepts cleanly. When you have that reading ability in that position, you snuff out attacks before they even begin. Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic.

Superb! Bartholomew the Apostle jogs toward the tunnel but stops, turns around, and takes one last look at the pitch under the lights. Matthew the Apostle waits for him at the door: "Beautiful, isn't it?" Bartholomew the Apostle nods. They disappear inside. The muffled sound of celebration follows. Magic night. Arthur from Stoke-on-Trent says zero consecutive days because a true Brit mentions it before it even starts. Arthur wins the umbrella! Coming up: 'Gogglebox, but the families are watching Gogglebox watching Gogglebox.' It's telly-ception. Nobody knows what's real anymore. The dog seems fine with it.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

1-2 (L)

Timothy chips his ball over the centre-backs for Matthew the Apostle, the timing is absolutely perfect. Acrobatic overhead from the presbyter! GOAL! In that position, that is the kind of finish that wins you the Puskas Award. A PERFECT scissor kick, PERFECT execution, PERFECT goal!

Solidarity move: Timothy grabs Pelé who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Pelé a standing ovation right through to the restart.

Thomas the Apostle anticipates the pass and intercepts cleanly. The opposition midfielder thought he had found the gap, but it was a trap. Thomas the Apostle switches the play to Pelé on the far side, superb crossfield ball! Header lost by Pelé, the opponent took the elevator while Pelé stayed on the ground floor. WHAT A STOP from Jesus Christ! The attacker did everything right but the keeper pulled off the impossible.

The free kick from David is played with a deft touch to Noah, well-drilled combination. Just wide from Noah, needed a fraction more accuracy on that. Looks like a training session, soft and completely predictable. Ground pass from Paul the Apostle into the free zone for Matthew the Apostle, the ball glides into the area like a letter in the post.

What a mess! Dakar Teranga FC capitalise on that blunder. We are our own worst enemy.

Jesus Christ slides onto his belly right in front of a pitchside photographer and gives him a thumbs up. The bloke takes the most cinematic photo of his career. Noah photobombs from behind. Front pages tomorrow.

Paul the Apostle puts his corner into the box but the defence is solid, cleared away. Timothy steals the ball in the passing lanes, that is pure reading of the game, intelligent football at its finest. The bishop lays it off first time to Thomas the Apostle, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre.

John the Evangelist cannot even look at {his} teammates. {he} knows the mistake was {his}. The gaffer knows it too but does not single {him} out. Instead he addresses the room: "We win as a team, we lose as a team. Right now we are losing. So what are we going to do about it? Sit here and sulk, or go out there and fight?" Nutritionists are baffled by Noah's insistence on eating Monster Munch before every match. At 180 tall, the lad credits pickled onion flavour specifically for his aerial dominance. And now, our TV game show Eggheads and Sausage Rolls! To win a year of Greggs loyalty points, text 3890 and answer: 'How many sausage rolls can you eat before your doctor sends a letter?' The whistle goes and twenty-two players get back to it. David claps {his} hands three times, {his} little pre-half ritual. Here we go.

Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. Short build-up from Thomas the Apostle to Pelé, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Pelé rolls it to Matthew the Apostle, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Wall pass between the presbyter and Ronaldo, the combination is crystal clear. That is exactly why he plays there.

Driven kick from Jesus Christ to David, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. The warlord finds Noah along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. The farmer plays it simple to John the Evangelist, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

Jesus Christ sends an absolute rocket towards Timothy, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch. Timothy accelerates and burns past his man on the wing, nobody can keep up! Timothy tugs the shirt of the opponent, referee spots it straight away. Free kick. Timothy is cautioned for persistent fouling. The referee finally snapped.

Rapid break, the defenders are still trying to find their marks. Incredible burst of pace from David, he eats up the ground in just a few strides. Little shift from David to Noah, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up.

It's a goal! Dakar Teranga FC go ahead! The ball was drilled low and hard into the corner.

The pile at the corner flag. Jesus Christ is at the bottom, you count seventeen shirts, even the physio and the third-choice keeper are in there. Jesus Christ arrives from the other side at full sprint and dives on top. Two fans scaling the fence.

They're monopolizing the ball but it's all hot air, nothing in the box. Noah goes for it and fires! Wide, just to the left of goal. Not far off at all. We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. Ronaldo goes crossfield to David, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. The warlord gives it straight to the opposition. That sort of waste is not forgiven at his level.

Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. Ball in behind from the religious figure, Timothy is through on goal. That is the kind of pass that justifies the price tag all on its own.

Gutting. John the Evangelist throws his gloves at the bench in frustration. Timothy picks them up quietly and puts them in the bag. The gaffer waits for everyone to sit down before speaking. His voice is calm but his eyes tell a different story. Long coach ride home. Big Dave from Wigan says eleven sausage rolls is the sweet spot before medical intervention. A year of Greggs points for Dave! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

1-2 (L)

Matthew the Apostle anticipates the run from David and fires a low missile in behind the defence. Perfect connection. The warlord aims with surgical precision on the pass from Noah! In that position, knowing how to place a ball like that, you become a nightmare for keepers. GOAL!

'I told you so' mode. Matthew the Apostle eyeballs the Douala Makossa-Corner bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Thomas the Apostle pulls Matthew the Apostle away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

Rapid combination: Pelé to Paul the Apostle, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Paul the Apostle puts it right into the feet of David, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Error from the warlord, the pass is too soft and the opponent intercepts. Happens to the best of them. What a tackle by Ronaldo! Times it to perfection, nicks the ball, and the ref waves play on. Outstanding.

Injury time, and nobody's leaving this ground early tonight. Noah to Pelé, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Pelé fires the ball over to Thomas the Apostle with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book. The missionary whips in a classic cross for Paul the Apostle in the box. When you have got that delivery from the flank, you cause havoc.

GOAL! Douala Makossa-Corner have made it count! The defence was caught ball-watching, criminal stuff.

Jesus Christ scans the family section, finds them, blows kisses with both hands. His kids are crying on their mum's shoulder. Ronaldo is already there for the instagram shot. Scenes that make you remember why you fell for this game.

We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep. Quick one-two between Ronaldo and Bartholomew the Apostle, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Bartholomew the Apostle beats his man with a sharp outside cut, the skill is absolutely effortless. Bartholomew the Apostle finds Ronaldo with a cut-back along the turf, the ball glides across the surface like it is on rails. Smooth transition from Ronaldo to Pelé, no delay, the game keeps flowing.

Timothy punches {his} locker. The metallic bang echoes through the silent room. Nobody reacts because everyone understands. The frustration is suffocating, filling every corner of the dressing room like smoke. The gaffer waits for the noise to die before speaking: "Keep the anger for the pitch. Not in here." The 2016-year-old John the Evangelist adopted a rescue greyhound that now refuses to run under any circumstances. The dog sits on the sofa watching Homes Under the Hammer while John the Evangelist trains — living the dream, honestly. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 6677 and answer this question: 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?' Pelé is the last one out of the tunnel, laces done up tight, sleeves rolled up proper. The look on {his} face says everything. Let us get on with it.

The messiah finds John the Evangelist with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Aerial duel won by John the Evangelist in his own box. He took the lift to the top floor and cleaned up everything. John the Evangelist gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side.

The corner from David comes to nothing, the defence clears at the first post. Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. Acceleration from David down the side, he takes the space behind the full-back. It is a motorway. David plays a surgical cut-back along the floor for John the Evangelist in the six-yard box. That is pure silk. John the Evangelist fires but the defender bravely throws himself in and takes the ball in the body. Heroic.

Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill. Ronaldo links up with Matthew the Apostle, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. The presbyter pulls it back along the ground for Timothy. The low cut-back is his trademark. Timothy with the goal gaping thanks to Ronaldo... and he sends it over the crossbar. We cannot believe it. The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded.

Oh no, Douala Makossa-Corner have scored from the spot! Cool as you like into the corner.

Double backflip off the penalty spot from Jesus Christ. Ronaldo is on his knees clapping, Jesus Christ is screaming 'ARE YOU MENTAL?!' from forty yards away. The home end gets to their feet, flags flapping, scarves overhead. Raw.

Ronaldo links a one-two with Paul the Apostle, the two players are on the same wavelength. Telepathic connection. Ronaldo is flagged yet again. He can't seem to get his timing right with Noah's passes. Jesus Christ distributes short to John the Evangelist, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. The evangelist finds Noah along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average.

Lifesaving clearance from Bartholomew the Apostle! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters. The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge. The warlord plays it simple to Bartholomew the Apostle, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

Massive punt from Jesus Christ, sends the ball sixty yards, Ronaldo is scrapping for it up top. Aerial duel lost by Ronaldo, he is beaten to the punch by the attacker. The ball flies over his head. Jesus Christ stretches every inch of his body and pushes the strike away. What a save! The corner from the religious figure was spot on but the header goes over. In that position, you do your job with the delivery, the attackers need to finish.

That hurts. Pelé leans against the tunnel wall, eyes closed, letting the cold concrete cool his head. Bartholomew the Apostle stops beside him: "We go again Saturday." Pelé nods, but right now Saturday feels like a lifetime away. The bus is quiet. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Brenda Sogbottom, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?'. The answer was of course three consecutive drizzles, as defined by the Met Office Dampness Protocol of 1991. Brenda wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

1-2 (L)

Interception from Bartholomew the Apostle right through the middle, he anticipated the switch of play and placed himself right in the passing lane. Pure intelligence. Counter-attack fires off the blocks, blistering pace from the front three. GOOOAL from the farmer! World class placed finish! In that position, knowing how to find the bottom corner like that is what makes the great players.

Corner cleared, the bishop finds nobody. In that position, you have got to read the defensive setup and adjust your corner accordingly. Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly. Overlap from David with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel.

Paul the Apostle gives it to Timothy and bursts in behind the marker. The return arrives in stride. Perfection. The religious figure takes on his man and leaves him for dead. In that position, the short dribble is the ultimate weapon. Good ball from the religious figure to John the Evangelist, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. The evangelist overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon.

Noah produces a piece of skill that will live long in the memory, the entire ground is in raptures. Firm pass from Noah into John the Evangelist, right into the boots. No waste. John the Evangelist winds up and FIRES! It's wide but it brushed the upright. Unlucky! Jesus Christ distributes by hand to David on the flank, instant counter-attack launched.

Jesus Christ lumps it long towards Thomas the Apostle, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. Bad pass from the missionary, the weight is completely off. In that position, that kind of mistake can be very costly. The presbyter reads the play and puts in a textbook challenge. That's the sort of awareness you need in that position, and he's delivered it perfectly. Team goes on the counter but the final pass is too short, all wasted. Individual run from Paul the Apostle, he sets off from his own half, beats two men and finds himself one on one with the keeper.

The gaffer changes everything. Formation, personnel, instructions. Jesus Christ gets shifted. Thomas the Apostle drops deeper. "What we did in the first half never happened, right? We delete it, we burn it, we start fresh." The players listen in grim silence. The second half is a rescue mission now and everyone knows it. A cracking detail — Noah, standing at 180, once tried to fix a leaky tap in the dressing room and flooded the entire physio area. He blamed the water pressure, which is the most British excuse anyone has ever given for anything. And now, our TV game show Only Fools and Quizzes! To win a genuine Reliant Robin air freshener, text 3678 and answer: 'In which year did Del Boy last say this time next year we will be millionaires and actually mean it?' Kick-off! Jesus Christ wins the first challenge of the second half and the crowd roars its approval. That is the intensity we need.

Matthew the Apostle throws himself into the passing lane and comes away with the ball. Phenomenal reading of the game. Great vision from Matthew the Apostle who switches to Timothy. The defence pivots, but they are too late.

They've scored! Lagos No-Carry-Last find the back of the net. Absolute disaster at the back.

Double backflip off the penalty spot from Jesus Christ. Paul the Apostle is on his knees clapping, Jesus Christ is screaming 'ARE YOU MENTAL?!' from forty yards away. The home end gets to their feet, flags flapping, scarves overhead. Raw.

The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages. The pressure is building and building, the opposition can't get out of their half. Inch-perfect cross from Noah, the ball clips just over the keeper's hands and finds John the Evangelist at the back post.

One touch football: John the Evangelist to Ronaldo, faster than the opposition can think. Perfect cut-back from Ronaldo, Thomas the Apostle receives it on the deck in acres of space. Dream scenario. MISSSSED! Thomas the Apostle alone in front of goal on the service from Bartholomew the Apostle and it goes wide. The bench has heads in hands. Flat atmosphere, flat game, everyone looks half asleep.

Nightmare! Lagos No-Carry-Last score! That goal was coming, we've been under the cosh.

Jesus Christ mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Bartholomew the Apostle plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Jesus Christ plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

Thomas the Apostle lays it off first time to Timothy, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Timothy slides a beauty through the gap, David is away, the timing is absolutely spot on.

What a recovery from the presbyter! Sprints like a madman to get back and cover. When you've got a player like that, you know the team will never quit. Terrible lunge from Bartholomew the Apostle! Both feet off the ground, straight into the attacker's legs. The presbyter has been sent off for violent conduct. A player in that role should know better than to throw his hands around. Free kick blocked! Bartholomew the Apostle struck it well but the wall held firm.

Tough one against Lagos No-Carry-Last. Bartholomew the Apostle and Matthew the Apostle are the last two off the pitch, like students who don't want to face the headteacher. The tunnel swallows them up. The floodlights buzz. The stands are empty. Football is brilliant and cruel in equal measure. Terry from Peckham says Del Boy has never once meant it and that's the beauty of it all. Enjoy the Reliant Robin air freshener, Terry! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

1-2 (L)

Noah wins the ball back high up the pitch after an outrageous press. The defender crumbled under the pressure. Breakaway at full throttle, the centre-backs are hopelessly out of position. Ronaldo pops up like a thief in the box! With the tip of the boot he diverts the ball into the net, GOOOAL!

Ferocious press from Ronaldo! He sticks to the carrier, hounds him, and ends up winning the ball. The dirty work that makes great players. Ronaldo shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for David. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces. David floats a ball towards Bartholomew the Apostle but it is too short, the opponent picks it off without breaking a sweat. The religious figure positions himself in the passing lane and intercepts the ball. In that role, reading the game is the invisible weapon, and he has just pulled it out at the perfect moment. Emergency clearance from the religious figure, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play.

Jesus Christ plays it short to John the Evangelist, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Short pass from the evangelist to Noah, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Lovely use of the ball by Noah, finding Paul the Apostle in a tight pocket of space. Quality. The referee pulls play back for a foul by Paul the Apostle. Held the opponent back by the arm. Paul the Apostle whips the free kick into the box for Timothy, dangerous delivery!

The fourth official holds up the board, added time is announced! The bench is screaming, the fans roaring, one last massive push. Timothy tries the curler... it bends beautifully but slides just past the post. AGONISING. Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end.

Unbelievable! Barranquilla Toque-Toque score from nowhere. Their striker just smashed it in.

Perfect back flip from Jesus Christ right in front of the home end, five-star landing. Ronaldo tries the same behind him, lands flat on his arse, the whole squad doubled over laughing. Even Jesus Christ has made it up, hands on knees, breathless. Proper scenes.

Jesus Christ punches {his} locker. The metallic bang echoes through the silent room. Nobody reacts because everyone understands. The frustration is suffocating, filling every corner of the dressing room like smoke. The gaffer waits for the noise to die before speaking: "Keep the anger for the pitch. Not in here." Club physios had to confiscate Jesus Christ's PlayStation after the 2019-year-old stayed up until 4am playing FIFA and turned up to training in his slippers. At 180, he was sleepwalking through drills. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 4321 and answer this question: 'What is the speed limit for a shopping trolley on the M25?' Back on the pitch and John the Evangelist is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

John the Evangelist finds Ronaldo between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions. The missionary shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Noah. Pure quality, as per usual.

Absolutely dreadful! Barranquilla Toque-Toque score and we have only ourselves to blame.

Jesus Christ legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Thomas the Apostle tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Jesus Christ plays it along the ground to Bartholomew the Apostle, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. The presbyter rises above everyone and wins the header. In that position, aerial dominance is what separates the good from the great. The presbyter plays it simple to David, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Big strike from the warlord, on target but saved. In that role, when you've got that kind of foot on you, you're dangerous at all times.

Ronaldo triggers a change of flanks for Matthew the Apostle, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Matthew the Apostle puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins. Good ball from Matthew the Apostle to Pelé, playing it quick between the lines. Pelé spreads it to Bartholomew the Apostle, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Wall pass between Bartholomew the Apostle and Thomas the Apostle, the combination comes off a treat.

Long kick from Jesus Christ, Timothy positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Timothy loses the header, physically outmatched by his marker. It happens, but at this stage of the match it hurts. WHAT A DIVE from the messiah! That kind of keeper gives the whole team confidence. Header missed from the corner by the warlord! In that position, when you put in deliveries like that, you expect your teammates to do the business in the air.

Jesus Christ catapults the ball towards Ronaldo from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. Backpass from Ronaldo goes completely wrong, the ball rolls to nobody and the opposition pounces on it. Superb defensive work from Bartholomew the Apostle there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! Superb diagonal from the presbyter to Timothy, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. The bishop bends the ball into the box for Pelé. The kind of delivery that makes the difference in the big games.

Matthew the Apostle hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it. Noah slips Pelé in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Pelé plays it back across the floor in the box, Bartholomew the Apostle receives centrally. This is the textbook cut-back. Golden chance wasted by the presbyter after the perfect service from Thomas the Apostle. In that role, it is these moments that separate a good player from a great one.

Gutting. Matthew the Apostle throws his gloves at the bench in frustration. David picks them up quietly and puts them in the bag. The gaffer waits for everyone to sit down before speaking. His voice is calm but his eyes tell a different story. Long coach ride home. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the speed limit for a shopping trolley on the M25?'. The answer was of course 12 mph, though nobody has ever managed more than 3. Maureen wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-3 (L)

The team cranks up the pressure, their midfielder gives it straight back. Ronaldo nicks a crucial ball off the defender, recovery twenty-five yards from goal. The opposition defence is in a state of panic. GOOOOAL! Ronaldo places it in the far corner, pure art! The keeper had no time to move.

Ronaldo kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Pelé takes a knee behind him. Jesus Christ raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Pelé sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Timothy. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. Timothy reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. The bishop plays it simple to John the Evangelist, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

Bartholomew the Apostle slides it to Pelé, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. SHOOOOOOT from Pelé! It's whistling towards goal but the keeper beats it away. Strong hands! Corner from Pelé into the danger area but a defender heads it away, dealt with.

And that's a goal! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa extend their lead. We are in deep trouble here.

Dead defender. Jesus Christ mimes a sniper taking aim at the travelling support, finger pulled like a trigger, cold as ice. Bartholomew the Apostle completes the choreography by collapsing. Jesus Christ arrives late, throws himself on the pile, sends a roar through the stands.

Timothy puts in a surgical free kick to the back post, Bartholomew the Apostle is there to finish. Bartholomew the Apostle loses his aerial duel against the opposition midfielder, he could not get position before the jump. Jesus Christ produces the goods! Reflex save, strong hand, nothing is getting past him!

Someone has kicked over the medical kit and there are ice packs and tape rolls scattered across the floor. Nobody picks them up. Bartholomew the Apostle sits among the debris, boots off, staring at the wall. Pelé has not said a word since coming in. The gaffer surveys the wreckage, literal and metaphorical, and takes a deep breath before delivering his verdict. A plumber was called to Bartholomew the Apostle's house after the 2126-year-old attempted to fix a leaky tap and somehow flooded the entire kitchen. The bill came to more than the original tap was worth — by roughly four grand. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 4848 and answer this question: 'Which animal is legally considered furniture in Stoke-on-Trent?' Out they come. John the Evangelist has changed {his} boots at the break and is already pinging the ball around to get a feel. Business time.

Oh no, it's in! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa punish a terrible defensive error. Heads in hands.

Jesus Christ finds the TV camera and kisses it like a long-lost love. Matthew the Apostle plays the jealous partner alongside. The live broadcast lingers for eight solid seconds, the commentators crying with laughter. The memes are already circulating before kickoff resumes.

Switch from Pelé! The ball arcs over the midfield and David collects it on the other side. Stretching the play. The warlord butchers that pass, straight to the opposition. Unusual for a player of his calibre. Enormous press from Pelé who wins the ball thirty yards from goal. The opponent buckled under the pressure. Pelé feeds Thomas the Apostle in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Thomas the Apostle eliminates his opponent with a short piece of skill, absolutely surgical.

Solo raid from Pelé from inside his own half, he beats everyone. That is unbelievable. Line-breaking pass from Pelé! The ball slices through the centre-halves and Ronaldo picks it up at full pace. Devastating. Ronaldo shoots and it's... in the stars. The ball boys are going to be busy retrieving that one. A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent.

Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. Ronaldo barges into the opponent off the ball. Free kick awarded. Short free kick played by Ronaldo, Paul the Apostle receives at the edge of the box after the one-two.

Decisive interception from the presbyter, he cut out the passing lane as if he knew the opposition game plan. That is exactly what you want from a player in that role. Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. Turnover from Timothy, the pass is read like a book by the opposition defence.

Short free kick, Noah gives it to Pelé who finds himself with space to work with. Nutmeg from Pelé on his marker, the ball pops out the other side. Disrespectful. Pelé picks out David with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. David gives it to Thomas the Apostle and gets it back, the one-two is spot on, David is away.

GOAL for Montevideo Garra-Charrúa! Their striker has slotted it home, nothing our keeper could do.

Almighty boot from Thomas the Apostle who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe. Paul the Apostle is beaten in the air on the free kick, the opponent read the flight of the ball better. The messiah gathers the ball in his zone. In that position, knowing how to come out and claim a cross is as valuable as a reflex save. Jesus Christ opts for the short option to Noah, keeping possession, building play, no panic. Dominant header from Noah on the corner, he outmuscles his marker and wins the aerial duel. The ground shakes.

Tough one against Montevideo Garra-Charrúa. Pelé and Paul the Apostle are the last two off the pitch, like students who don't want to face the headteacher. The tunnel swallows them up. The floodlights buzz. The stands are empty. Football is brilliant and cruel in equal measure. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Geraldine Puddleworth, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which animal is legally considered furniture in Stoke-on-Trent?'. The answer was of course the tortoise, following the Furniture Reclassification Act after one was mistaken for an ottoman for nine years. Geraldine wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

1-1 (L)

Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. Incredible solo charge from the farmer, he goes coast to coast with the ball. When a player in that role starts running like that, it is chaos for the opposition. The farmer lobs the keeper with a SILKY touch! In that position, that kind of finish shows you have a football IQ above average. PERFECT lob, GOAL!

Noah scans the family section, finds them, blows kisses with both hands. His kids are crying on their mum's shoulder. David is already there for the instagram shot. Scenes that make you remember why you fell for this game.

Tidy restart from Jesus Christ along the deck to David, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. What a leap from David! He rises above the lot and wins the header with royal composure. David delivers a tidy ball to John the Evangelist, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. John the Evangelist tries his luck, it's ON TARGEEEET but the keeper dives full stretch and pulls off a worldie!

The corner from David is cut out at the near post by a defender, no danger. Big clearance from Thomas the Apostle under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line. Raking ball from the evangelist to Thomas the Apostle, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job.

Lightning-quick counter, they've torn up the pitch in six seconds flat. The bishop has a pop, it's wide but grazes the post. In that position, having the bravery to shoot is good, just needs a fraction more accuracy. The messiah throws it out to Paul the Apostle, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Blistering run from Paul the Apostle on the wing, the defender is chasing but never catches up.

Clearance from the messiah towards Noah, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Lay-off from Noah to Pelé, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Sharp cut inside from Pelé, the defender is left rooted to the spot. That is nasty.

John the Evangelist stands up without being asked: "We need to show some bottle, lads. This is not a friendly against Buenos Aires Pecho Frío. Where is the fight? Where is the desire?" The gaffer nods slowly. Jesus Christ cracks {his} knuckles. The message lands. Sometimes the players need to hear it from one of their own. The lads in the dressing room have revealed that Jesus Christ is obsessed with collecting those little Monopoly stickers from McDonald's. Last year he had four Park Lanes and no Mayfairs. Nearly had a breakdown. Standing at 180, the man has never looked so defeated. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 3355 and answer this question: 'What is the Latin name for a soggy chip?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Jesus Christ wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

Thomas the Apostle throws himself into the tackle and comes out with the ball. That's pure desire, that is. What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere. CRAAACKER from Timothy outside the box! Grazes the post and goes out for a goal kick. So close... The opposition defenders could grab a brew, nothing is happening.

Panicked clearance from John the Evangelist, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done. The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. Foul by Pelé, he had to make that challenge to stop the break. Tactical. The free kick is played as a short pass by Pelé, Bartholomew the Apostle picks it up and drives forward. Shot from Bartholomew the Apostle, it's wide! Flirted with the post, missing by millimetres.

Sideways ball from John the Evangelist to Paul the Apostle, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Paul the Apostle slides the ball across the ground in the box, Ronaldo arrives for the finish. NOOOOO Ronaldo! The goal was empty, Matthew the Apostle puts it on his foot and he blazes it over the bar! Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative.

The messiah throws it out to Bartholomew the Apostle, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Brilliant switch of play from Bartholomew the Apostle! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Thomas the Apostle. Thomas the Apostle shifts it to Timothy with a short pass, threading it between two defenders.

GOAL! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío have done the damage! Their number nine wheeled away in celebration.

Jesus Christ dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

Short pass from the evangelist to Matthew the Apostle, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. Back to the keeper for the fifteenth time, fans have had enough. Bartholomew the Apostle plays the simple ball to Timothy, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Overlap from the bishop with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy.

Level at the final whistle. John the Evangelist and Noah walk side by side toward the tunnel without a word. The rain is drizzling gently. A point isn't great, isn't disaster — just exactly what today was worth. The dressing room will be quiet. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Ethel Dripsworth, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the Latin name for a soggy chip?'. The answer was of course Solanum Disappointicus, first classified by a weeping botanist in Grimsby. Ethel wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

2-3 (L)

They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. Ronaldo sends Paul the Apostle into acres of space with a clipped ball over the top. The defence turns, but it is way too late. GOOOOOAL! Paul the Apostle was THERE where he needed to be, he toes the ball into the empty net. What a fox!

Ronaldo slides onto his belly right in front of a pitchside photographer and gives him a thumbs up. The bloke takes the most cinematic photo of his career. David photobombs from behind. Front pages tomorrow.

Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. Magnificent shift from Pelé! Matthew the Apostle picks it up in space, no marker in sight, the pitch is his. Curled effort from Matthew the Apostle on the pass from Noah, the ball nestles in the corner, the keeper is beaten.

Matthew the Apostle puts in a crunching challenge, all ball, no foul. The attacker's left with absolutely nothing. Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Burst of speed from Timothy, he devours the left flank in a matter of seconds. Impressive.

They've got the bit between their teeth, this is fantastic to watch. Timothy curls a cross to the near post, Thomas the Apostle is lurking in the box. The missionary whips in the corner and it's MAYHEM! In that position, creating panic from set pieces is a massive weapon. BLOCKED by the defender! John the Evangelist was unlucky there, good shot but even better block.

GOAL! Rio Malandro FC have netted! Their forward pounced on the loose ball. Clinical.

Jesus Christ dives head-first into the back of the net and comes out with the ball between his teeth, eyes burning. Thomas the Apostle can't breathe he's laughing so hard. Jesus Christ claps from his own box, the roar from the stadium cranks up another ten decibels.

The gaffer boots the door open and launches a water bottle across the dressing room. It explodes against the far wall and nobody flinches because they all know they deserve it. "What the bloody hell was that?!" he roars. Ronaldo stares at the floor. Pelé cannot even look up. Absolute shambles. You won't believe this, but Paul the Apostle has been collecting Tesco Clubcard points since he was fourteen years old. Word in the dressing room is he's sitting on over two million points and still won't spend them. Saving up for a caravan in Skegness, apparently. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 2244 and answer this question: 'How many kettles are boiling at any given moment in Britain?' Forty-five minutes left on the clock. Jesus Christ knows it, the fans know it, even the bloke selling pies behind the away end knows it. This is where it matters.

Timothy sends a wicked free kick into the area, Ronaldo is lurking with intent. Ronaldo powers his header, the ball rockets over the crossbar. It was that close. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare. Monumental ball from David to Bartholomew the Apostle, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet.

GOAL for Rio Malandro FC! A looping header from their attacker, our keeper was stranded.

Jesus Christ sprints the full length of the pitch from his six-yard box to join the pile-up. The bundle forms on Jesus Christ, you can't see him under the pile, just studs sticking out. All four subs have invaded the pitch. The ref has given up blowing his whistle.

Well spotted by Thomas the Apostle who cuts out the pass, that is pure anticipation. Transition play in overdrive, they're at the edge of the box already. Pelé powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated. Pelé rifles one in, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper comes up big. Corner to the attacking side.

Disciplined and brave low block, this will take something special to break down. Bartholomew the Apostle launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out. The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. Paul the Apostle unleashes a raking ball out to Noah, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer.

They suffocate the first pass, the opposition goes long and loses it. The referee's whistle goes against David, caught the opponent late. David puts too much welly on the free kick, the ball flies over without troubling the keeper.

They're turning the screw here, wave after wave of attack. Noah delivers from the byline, Timothy is on the penalty spot, ready to finish. The bishop is beaten to the header by his marker. In that position, a lost duel like that is a warning sign.

GOAAAL! Rio Malandro FC make no mistake! The defence parted like the Red Sea.

Jesus Christ spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Pelé gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

The presbyter finds David along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. David gets down the left and pulls it back low, John the Evangelist is stationed on the penalty spot. John the Evangelist has a go but the shot is deflected! The defender took the ball full in the chest. Monster clearance from Bartholomew the Apostle! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. Pelé is outmuscled in the air by his direct opponent, he did not have the spring to match him.

Final whistle, final nail. Paul the Apostle pulls his shirt over his face and walks blind toward the tunnel. Thomas the Apostle gently steers him past a camera crew. Some moments don't need broadcasting. The fans drift away in ones and twos, collars up, hands in pockets. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Norman Pebbledash, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many kettles are boiling at any given moment in Britain?'. The answer was of course 27 million, and that number doubles during any form of national crisis or EastEnders cliffhanger. Norman wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

1-1 (L)

They've broken like lightning, the keeper's the only man left to beat. GOOOAL from the religious figure! Toed in to the empty net. In that position, knowing how to be in the right place at the right time is what scores you 20 a season.

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Paul the Apostle is at the centre, lifted up by Timothy and Jesus Christ, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. Istanbul Cehennem FK's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

Timothy puts his free kick on a sixpence into the area, Ronaldo comes steaming in. Aerial claim from the messiah, ball in the gloves. When your keeper comes out like that, you know you can defend high without fear. Monster clearance from Jesus Christ, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Pelé.

John the Evangelist reads the game like nobody else, he cuts out the cross-field pass and launches a counter immediately. Transition play at its ruthless best, straight through the heart of the defence. The missionary finds the gap that nobody else saw and puts Pelé clean through. Pure genius from that position. That's offside. Pelé was straining at the leash and went too early on John the Evangelist's ball.

Ball won high, counter away, it's a proper turbo-charged break. Overlap from Pelé on the left, he bombs towards the byline at full tilt. Quick exchange between Pelé and Bartholomew the Apostle, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows.

Oh no, Istanbul Cehennem FK score a worldie! Fair play, but our hearts are sinking.

The boss brings the group into a huddle: "The score is level and the game is wide open. This is where big players step up. I am looking at you, Pelé. And you, Paul the Apostle. You do not get nights like this every week. Seize it." Eyes sharpen around the circle. The second half starts now, in this room. The entire squad confirmed that Bartholomew the Apostle has a secret Love Island group chat where the 2126-year-old live-reacts to every recoupling. At 180, watching the big man cry over Casa Amor is apparently hilarious. And now, our TV game show Escape to the Country Lane! To win directions to a village with no phone signal, text 0800RURAL and answer: 'How far from the nearest Tesco Express must you live before it counts as the countryside?' And we are back underway! David jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

Thomas the Apostle sends an aerial beauty to Matthew the Apostle, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile. Aerial duel won by the presbyter, he crushes it in the air. When you have that leap in that role, you rule your box. Matthew the Apostle gives it to Ronaldo into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. 80% of the ball and still 0-0, says it all really. Stodgy, sluggish football, the entertainment has drained out of the game.

The religious figure plays it simple to Timothy, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Ball into space from the bishop for Paul the Apostle, the channel is wide open. When you have got that kind of vision, you cause damage. Paul the Apostle is ruled offside on Bartholomew the Apostle's ball over the top, but that's incredibly harsh! The referee blows his whistle and signals for a VAR review. The tension is unbearable. The warlord can't celebrate — VAR says no goal! Heartbreaking for a player in that role.

Matthew the Apostle to Ronaldo, instant return, and Matthew the Apostle is already three yards further on. The one-two has popped the lock. Matthew the Apostle skins the defender with a quick shimmy, the opponent will not see the ball again. Matthew the Apostle plays it simple to Paul the Apostle, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Paul the Apostle bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket.

The messiah goes long for John the Evangelist, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Short pass from the evangelist to Pelé, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Pelé wants to find Ronaldo between the lines but the weight is all wrong. Intercepted.

Noah sprints at the defender and pinches the ball right off his toes. Aggressive pressing, decisive recovery. The farmer beats the defender with a sharp turn. It is rare to see a player in that position with that kind of pure skill. The farmer plays it simple to Bartholomew the Apostle, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

Free kick from Paul the Apostle curled into the area, Matthew the Apostle attacks it with a header. Matthew the Apostle springs up and wins the duel in the air against the towering forward. Timing and leap make all the difference. The presbyter has a crack and FIIIIRES! On target but the keeper saves. In that position, you've got to be brave enough to shoot and he absolutely was.

Draw. Thomas the Apostle sighs into the mixed-zone microphone: "A point's better than nothing, but we wanted more." Paul the Apostle waits his turn, water bottle in hand. Answers are short tonight. Everyone just wants to move on. Hilary from Surrey says at least three miles from a Tesco Express and you need at least one cow visible from the window. Directions for Hilary! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-2 (L)

Matthew the Apostle spots the run from Bartholomew the Apostle and slips it in behind the defence, inch-perfect! Poacher's goal from Bartholomew the Apostle! The keeper spilled it and Bartholomew the Apostle prods the ball into the net.

The presbyter opens up to Thomas the Apostle on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Good cross from the missionary for Paul the Apostle in the area. The bare minimum for a wide player, but done with surgical quality. The religious figure sends a cross into no man's land. It is part of the game, but when you are in that role, every cross matters. Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality. David changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Thomas the Apostle. The defence is caught completely flat-footed.

Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking. Timothy gifts David a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal. The offside trap works a treat, David is caught out as Ronaldo plays the ball forward. The messiah goes long for David, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Good ball from the warlord to Thomas the Apostle, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does.

The referee adds on minutes, the suspense has reached fever pitch. Noah is moaning to the ref about something imaginary. Classic tactic. Noah brings the opponent down with a cynical challenge. Nothing malicious, just effective. Noah sends the free kick in front of goal, John the Evangelist leaps to try the header. OHHH the header from the evangelist goes over! In that role, he has got the timing and the leap, just needs a fraction more precision.

Late, late challenge from Thomas the Apostle on the attacker. He's caught him right on the ankle. Nasty. Straight red for Thomas the Apostle! He's swung a fist at the opponent in a moment of pure madness. Free kick swung in by Thomas the Apostle, the ball travels across the six-yard box and Noah is lurking. Noah wins the aerial battle against the attacker, he jumped earlier, higher, and stronger. Total domination.

"It is a disgrace. An absolute disgrace." The gaffer repeats it twice because once was not enough. David grips the bench so hard {his} knuckles go white. Matthew the Apostle is chewing the inside of {his} cheek raw. The scoreboard tells one story. The dressing room tells another, and it is even uglier. Now Jesus Christ has a rather unusual pre-match ritual — he has to watch a full episode of EastEnders before kickoff. If Phil Mitchell isn't in the episode, he considers it a bad omen. He's 2019 years old and still won't grow out of it. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 9494 and answer this question: 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Pelé is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. Ronaldo tries from distance and CRAAACKS it! On target but the keeper pushes it aside. Unlucky. Corner from Ronaldo into the danger zone but the defence stands firm, headed away. The warlord intercepts the pass with textbook reading of the game. In that position, it is that intelligence that separates a good player from a great one. The warlord finds Timothy along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average.

It's in! Milano Piano-Piano take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

Noah turns the game on its head with one razor-sharp pass for Bartholomew the Apostle. The defence did not even have time to blink. Jesus Christ dives at the attacker's feet and gathers! One-on-one WON by the keeper! The messiah finds Paul the Apostle with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops.

Thomas the Apostle intercepts the ball, he was a step ahead of everyone on the pitch. Thomas the Apostle links up with Bartholomew the Apostle, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. The presbyter does not let up and rips the ball from the opposition's feet. In that position, that kind of high defensive work is worth as much as an assist. Quick exchange between Bartholomew the Apostle and Paul the Apostle, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows.

GOAL! Milano Piano-Piano are celebrating! Their attacker made it look far too easy.

Masterful reading from John the Evangelist who cuts out the through ball. The timing is perfect, the anticipation is frightening. Crossfield pass from John the Evangelist to Noah, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet.

Rapid combination: Paul the Apostle to Noah, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Dummy from Noah, the defender dives in and ends up on the deck. Done. The farmer lets fly and it's wide. Flirted with the frame though. In that position, with a tiny bit more precision that's going in. Long ball from Jesus Christ for Thomas the Apostle who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy.

Lost it. Paul the Apostle kicks a water bottle across the dressing room. Nobody flinches — they've all been there. Matthew the Apostle hands him a towel without a word. The gaffer waits for the anger to pass before speaking. "Right. Let's talk about what we do next." And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?'. The answer was of course 900 degrees Celsius, which is why the British stare at the floor numbers with such intensity. Maureen wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-2 (L)

Oh what a challenge! Thomas the Apostle goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. The missionary cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for Paul the Apostle. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat. Paul the Apostle winds up and FIIIIRES! Placed strike, the ball slides into the bottom corner, OPENING GOAAAAL!

Thomas the Apostle legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Bartholomew the Apostle tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

GOAAAL! Sevilla Olé-Olé make it count! Sliced through us like a hot knife through butter.

Three-man routine: Jesus Christ, Timothy and Jesus Christ do the conga down the touchline, mimicking they're pulling a giant imaginary rope. The Kop copies the move, fifty thousand imaginary ropes in the air simultaneously. Surreal and hilarious.

The religious figure puts his corner in but it is cleared. In that position, the quality of your delivery from corners is what separates danger from damp squibs. Thomas the Apostle boots it into touch with a last-ditch sliding clearance, the effort is desperate but it does the business. Short distribution from Jesus Christ to Pelé, circulating at the back, the press is beaten.

John the Evangelist shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class. John the Evangelist gives it to Ronaldo into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Ronaldo puts Paul the Apostle into acres with a low ball into space. The defender watches it sail past, helpless.

We enter stoppage time, every touch of the ball could be decisive. Thomas the Apostle is tying his boots for the third time in the half. The referee spots the foul by Thomas the Apostle, a push in the back on the opponent. The free kick from Thomas the Apostle is a dangerous one, David meets it on the volley inside the six-yard box. The warlord misses his header by inches, it goes wide. In that position, we know he has the aerial game, the next one is going in.

Tea cups everywhere. The gaffer has launched the lot. There is PG Tips running down the wall and broken ceramic on the floor. "That," he says, pointing at the mess, "is what our defensive shape looks like right now. An absolute disaster." Noah stares at the carnage. Thomas the Apostle swallows hard. Nobody disagrees. Club sources confirm Thomas the Apostle has a standing order at the local chippy for a large cod, chips, curry sauce, and a pickled egg every Friday without exception. At 2025, the 180-tall star calls it 'essential recovery nutrition.' And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 4466 and answer this question: 'In which year did the pork pie achieve sentience in Barnsley?' The gaffer gives Jesus Christ one last word on the touchline before the restart. A pat on the back, a nod, and Jesus Christ runs out onto the pitch with renewed purpose.

Noah sets up Thomas the Apostle with a pull-back centrally, the keeper is caught in no man's land. The missionary blazes it over with the goal wide open! Matthew the Apostle had given him everything. In that position, a miss like that can cost you the match and your confidence. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive.

PENALTY! The farmer is brought down in the box! In that position, when you burst into the area like that and win a penalty, you change the COURSE of the match. DECISIVE moment. Noah sends his penalty over the bar! The crossbar wasn't even in danger. What a miss.

Ronaldo plays the simple ball to Matthew the Apostle, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Matthew the Apostle swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Thomas the Apostle, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. The missionary gets to the byline and floats one in for Pelé. Crossing is his bread and butter. Pelé sends his cross sailing over everyone, Noah cannot even get close to it.

Oh that's poor! Sevilla Olé-Olé score from a set piece. We switched off completely.

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Jesus Christ is at the centre, lifted up by Noah and Jesus Christ, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. Sevilla Olé-Olé's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

Good ball from Pelé to Bartholomew the Apostle, playing it quick between the lines. Bartholomew the Apostle frees up the entire channel for John the Evangelist with a ball into space. The defence is caught on the wrong foot. Lovely use of the ball by John the Evangelist, finding Matthew the Apostle in a tight pocket of space. Quality. One touch football: Matthew the Apostle to Ronaldo, faster than the opposition can think.

Brilliant interception from Matthew the Apostle, he read the passer's intention before the ball even left his foot. Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality. Attempted pass from Timothy to Ronaldo, but it is way too firm, flies out for a throw-in on the far side.

Tough one against Sevilla Olé-Olé. Timothy and Jesus Christ are the last two off the pitch, like students who don't want to face the headteacher. The tunnel swallows them up. The floodlights buzz. The stands are empty. Football is brilliant and cruel in equal measure. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Colin Flannel-Trousers, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'In which year did the pork pie achieve sentience in Barnsley?'. The answer was of course 2019, though it immediately requested to be left alone, which is very Barnsley. Colin wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

2-3 (L)

They've turned defence into attack in one touch, that's vintage stuff. Ronaldo chips the ball OVER the keeper! GOAL! That is the PERFECT touch, the PERFECT timing, the PERFECT trajectory. You cannot do it better, that is GENIUS!

The block holds firm, opposition pushes but it's all in vain. Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal. Pelé does not rush, he looks at the keeper and FINALLY shoots! Placed in the bottom corner, GOOOOAL!

Bartholomew the Apostle dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution. Lightning recovery and attack, they're running riot on the break. Pelé powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go. Pelé gets to the byline and whips one in, the ball floats into the area looking for the head of Ronaldo.

Rampart defense, the opposition can't try anything dangerous at all. The messiah sticks out a foot from nowhere and pushes it away! In that position, when you have that composure, you are a true number one. Quick throw from Jesus Christ to Pelé out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go.

What a disaster! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

Jesus Christ places the ball on the centre spot, stands on top of it, arms in a V like a pharaoh on his throne. David falls to his knees bowing. Jesus Christ does a slow sarcastic clap. The home end loves this magnificent arrogance.

Paul the Apostle is fighting back tears on the bench. Not dramatic sobs, just the quiet kind that come from knowing you have let everyone down. Pelé puts an arm around {his} shoulder: "Come on, mate. Forty-five minutes. We have come back from worse." But the dressing room does not look like it believes that right now. We're hearing that Thomas the Apostle spent his entire signing bonus on a ride-on lawnmower. Doesn't even have a garden — he lives in a flat. But the lad is 2025, he's got a mower, and he says he's 'planning ahead.' Absolute scenes. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 2024 and answer this question: 'How tall is the average Tuesday in centimetres?' The PA announces the restart and the stadium comes alive. Ronaldo is already in position, feet planted, shoulders square. Locked and loaded.

Corner from Timothy, it is a whipped delivery but a defender intervenes and clears. The missionary boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. Jesus Christ fires it out quickly by hand to David, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart.

Ultra-compact low block, couldn't get a needle through this. John the Evangelist clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football. Superb diagonal from the bishop to Paul the Apostle, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it.

It's in the back of the net! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein celebrate and our fans are gutted.

Stoppage time, legs are heavy but hearts are burning bright. The presbyter finds Matthew the Apostle along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. The presbyter presses high and forces the defender into an error. In that position, the ability to recover the ball that high up changes the entire complexion of a match.

Thomas the Apostle looks up and launches a long pass towards Matthew the Apostle. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Enormous leap from the presbyter who wins the header. In that role, a player who wins his aerial duels like that is an insurance policy. They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. Timothy winds up the right foot and LEEEEETS FLY! On target, heading top bins but the keeper claws it out!

It's hit the back of the net! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein lead and we look completely lost.

Dead defender. Jesus Christ mimes a sniper taking aim at the travelling support, finger pulled like a trigger, cold as ice. Timothy completes the choreography by collapsing. Jesus Christ arrives late, throws himself on the pile, sends a roar through the stands.

Step-overs from Noah followed by an explosion of pace, the defender buys the feint and eats the dust. Powerful run from Noah down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there. Great overlap from Noah down the flank, pinpoint cross for Bartholomew the Apostle in the area. This is the moment.

The ref points to the centre circle then checks with the assistant... NO! Matthew the Apostle was offside from Timothy's pass! The referee's earpiece is buzzing, VAR has spotted something. Hearts are in mouths. They've checked it, they've reviewed it — Bartholomew the Apostle's goal is disallowed! The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline.

Lost it. Bartholomew the Apostle kicks a water bottle across the dressing room. Nobody flinches — they've all been there. Thomas the Apostle hands him a towel without a word. The gaffer waits for the anger to pass before speaking. "Right. Let's talk about what we do next." And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Ethel Dripsworth, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How tall is the average Tuesday in centimetres?'. The answer was of course 147 centimetres, slightly shorter than a Wednesday. Ethel wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

1-1 (L)

Timothy delivers a pinpoint free kick into the box, Paul the Apostle is there to receive. NOOOOOO Paul the Apostle! Own goal! The shot from Ronaldo was going wide but Paul the Apostle gets a touch and diverts it in! Without him the ball was going OUT! OH THE DONKEY, this is TERRIBLE!

Timothy dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

Timothy spreads it to Thomas the Apostle, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. The missionary bamboozles his opponent with a feint. That kind of skill in that position completely changes the face of a match. Foul by the missionary, pulls the opponent back. In that role you learn quickly when a tactical foul is worth it. Thomas the Apostle goes into the book. That was a reckless, studs-up challenge. Thomas the Apostle tries to beat the wall from the free kick but it's blocked. Shame.

Counter from their own goal, and all that just to butcher the cross. Oh my word Pelé fires and it goes JUST wide! The post must have felt the breeze. Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll.

Jesus Christ boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for David! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Huge interception from David! He cuts out the pass and drives forward. The kind of action that never shows up in the stats but changes the whole match. Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted.

Tight-knit defense, compact shape, the opposition has to shoot from distance. Massive clearance from the presbyter under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. John the Evangelist opens up to Thomas the Apostle on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent.

David rips off {his} boots and flings them into the locker with a clatter. Thomas the Apostle glances over but says nothing. It is goalless and the frustration is eating everyone alive. The gaffer paces the room like a caged animal. "I need more from you lot. Much more. That was like watching paint dry out there." A wonderful anecdote — Pelé once got lost in an IKEA for two and a half hours. Had to be rescued by staff near the bedroom section. He was 86 at the time and insists the store moved the exits. Classic British Saturday gone wrong. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 9922 and answer this question: 'Which household appliance became mayor of Stoke-on-Trent in 2003?' Kick-off! Matthew the Apostle wins the first challenge of the second half and the crowd roars its approval. That is the intensity we need.

GOAL for London Three-Pints! You can't defend like that and expect to get away with it.

The presbyter intercepts the pass with textbook reading of the game. In that position, it is that intelligence that separates a good player from a great one. Ripping counter-attack, the through ball has sliced the back four open. Through ball from the evangelist for Ronaldo, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite. Ronaldo is caught offside from Timothy's through ball. Flag goes up straight away.

Timothy keeps it short to Noah, no frills, just good football intelligence. Body feint from the farmer, the defender is eliminated. When you have got that technique in that role, you cause carnage. Short pass from the farmer to John the Evangelist, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Low cut-back from the evangelist for Noah. The bare minimum for a wide player, but delivered with outrageous quality. Reflex save from the messiah! When your keeper makes that kind of stop, you want to win the match for him.

The presbyter puts in a ridiculous recovery run, comes from nowhere to save the day. In that position, that kind of effort is pure gold. Foul given against Bartholomew the Apostle, he went through the back of the opponent. Free kick from Bartholomew the Apostle, lovely delivery and Thomas the Apostle rises above the defence. Jesus Christ leaps, catches, lands. All flowing, all controlled. The keeper is in AUTHORITY mode.

Heroic low block, every single player at his post. Counter perfect until the last yard when everything goes haywire. Burst of speed from the religious figure down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs. Paul the Apostle crosses from the wing, the ball flies across the box like a missile and John the Evangelist is there to meet it. The cross from the evangelist ends up in the keeper's gloves. It happens to the best, but it is frustrating in that position.

The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. Pitch-length run from the farmer, he beats everyone in his path. In that role, it is the kind of run that lives long in the memory. Fresh air tackle from the farmer, left on the deck while the attacker runs off. In that role, timing is absolutely everything. Pelé takes the red card without complaint. Last defender, he clattered the attacker to stop a certain goal.

Draw against London Three-Pints. David kisses the club badge as he passes the home end — a gesture for the fans, regardless. John the Evangelist does the same. The squad stays tight, the season rolls on. Nights like this, you close ranks. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Pauline Drizzle-Hatch, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which household appliance became mayor of Stoke-on-Trent in 2003?'. The answer was of course a Morphy Richards toaster, which won by a landslide and to this day holds the highest approval rating of any mayor in the city's history. Pauline wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'