My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇦🇺
4 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 4 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Houston Blast-Off | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Phoenix No-Defense | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Miami Heart-Attack | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Good evening everyone and fasten your seatbelts because tonight we are not doing this gently. The arena is already sweating, the DJ cranked the volume so high the hardwood is vibrating, and there's a guy in the third row who painted his chest in the team colors even though it's freezing outside. That's devotion. That's basketball madness. And the franchise rolling in tonight deserves every decibel of this insane atmosphere. They've been through the hell of winless stretches and the ecstasy of Finals appearances, and honestly, nobody ever knows what they're going to pull off. That's what makes this sport so damn beautiful. The team with no name, baby! Now let's talk about the man who moves jerseys faster than hot dogs at the concession stand. LeBron James. Just the name sends chills through the building. Standing at 206 cm, arms that cover half the court, and a basketball IQ so fast that defenders feel like they're playing in slow motion. This man doesn't walk, he glides. He doesn't jump, he launches into orbit. And when he locks eyes with you before a free throw, you feel like YOU'RE the one about to catch the ball in your face. I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it. Attention, things are about to get serious. Actually no, things are about to go completely off the rails. The front office signed Ted Bundy. The man is a psychologist. Yes, you heard that right. A psychologist. On a basketball court. With their Rorschach cards in his gym bag and zero understanding of what a pick-and-roll is. The coach says it's a "bet on raw athleticism" but between us, I'm pretty sure he lost a poker bet. Ted Bundy had his first practice yesterday and asked if the free throw line was home plate. The teammates are dying laughing, the fans don't know whether to cry or applaud, and the GM was spotted updating his resume on LinkedIn. Financially, we're in no man's land. Not poor, not rich. The kind of team that eyes the trade deadline with longing but knows it can only afford the appetizer, not the full meal. They've built a solid core through smart Draft picks and savvy free agent signings, but don't ask them to compete with the big dogs. Their weapon? Chemistry. And a coach who turns lead into gold. Well, bronze. Okay, silver on a good day.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
81-126 (L)
This hungry young player Nathan Cleary means business! Fast start along the baseline!
LeBron James forces up a finger roll over the defense! Tendency to rush! Bad decision!
Ted Bundy throws it away! A pass worse than a psychologist tossing the hidden pattern!
This newcomer Joseph Suaalii can't recover! Scored on in transition! Ego the size of Texas!
This once-in-a-lifetime player LeBron James throws an elbow in frustration! Hot head on full display!
The players disappear. LeBron James has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Locker room anecdote: LeBron James talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
LeBron James launches but the shot rims out! Tendency to force bad shots rears its ugly head!
Joseph Suaalii looks to the bench for relief! Relief like a rugby league player relieved of their league jersey!
This dark horse Joseph Suaalii commits the 5-second violation! Clock management injury-prone body!
Joseph Suaalii waves off the play! The authority of a rugby league player in that gesture!
Joseph Suaalii sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a rugby league player after their league jersey broke!
Nathan Cleary takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. LeBron James follows the same path. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than LeBron James. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
85-130 (L)
LeBron James looks dialed in from the start! Next-level basketball IQ preparation showing!
Nathan Cleary misses from the corner! From mid-range is no place for their league jersey!
Joseph Suaalii dribbles it off their foot! Their league jersey would never betray a rugby league player like that!
Nathan Cleary gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the defensive line on a rough day!
Ted Bundy storms to the bench! Heated! This psychologist doesn't handle losing well!
Halftime whistle. Nathan Cleary flops into the first available chair. Fun fact: Nathan Cleary got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
Off the mark for Joseph Suaalii! Great rugby league player, not so great at basketball tonight!
Ted Bundy shoots but the legs won't cooperate! Heavy feet catching up!
LeBron James charges right into the defender! Turnover! Limited stamina when controlling pace!
Nathan Cleary drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a rugby league player's spirit has limits!
Nathan Cleary takes the loss hard! Hard as the defensive line on a bad rugby league player day!
Ted Bundy shakes Nathan Cleary's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
100-117 (L)
LeBron James rises up with energy from the opening whistle! This generational talent locked in!
Air ball from Ted Bundy! Being a psychologist doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
This generational talent LeBron James commits the offensive foul! Turnover from way beyond the arc!
Nathan Cleary overcommits! Going all-in like a rugby league player on the defensive line, but wrong!
Nathan Cleary with the crafty devastating dunk! Next-level basketball IQ on display!
Halftime. Joseph Suaalii is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Did you know Joseph Suaalii keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
Nathan Cleary buries their face! Hidden from view, the rugby league player can't watch!
Ted Bundy bricks another one! Building something awful with their Rorschach cards tonight!
This diamond in the rough Joseph Suaalii recognizes the zone and attacks the gap! Genius!
LeBron James is gassed! This hall-of-fame lock bent over at half court! Shaky emotions under pressure catching up!
Joseph Suaalii, this tweener, trudges off the den. Lessons to take from this one.
LeBron James snaps at the bench on his way out. Nathan Cleary says nothing, but his look says everything. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
85-130 (L)
And we're underway! LeBron James touches the basketball first! This generational talent looks eager!
Ted Bundy with the contested hook shot driving to the hoop! No good! Bad selection!
Joseph Suaalii, this smooth operator, gets stripped facing the rim! Defense that's basically a suggestion exposed!
Joseph Suaalii gives up the easy bucket! Easier than charging the defensive line!
LeBron James, this guy with rings on every finger, refuses to high-five! Heavy feet hurting the chemistry!
Halftime whistle. Joseph Suaalii has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. Anecdote: Joseph Suaalii once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
A tear drop from LeBron James hits the iron! Hot head under the spotlight!
Ted Bundy takes the rest play! Even a psychologist needs a breather!
Ted Bundy launches carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Nathan Cleary vents at their teammates! The rugby league player who vents about the defensive line!
Nathan Cleary hangs their head! A rugby league player who gave everything they had!
LeBron James mutters 'damn' under his breath. Nathan Cleary says 'yeah' in the same tone. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
85-112 (L)
Joseph Suaalii, this solid build, sets the tone immediately! Insane court vision from the jump!
Nathan Cleary misses badly! Should have aimed like they aim their league jersey at the defensive line!
Joseph Suaalii, this solid build, steps out of bounds with the orange! Mental lapse!
Nathan Cleary left in the dust! Even a rugby league player moves faster than that!
This household name LeBron James capitalizes in transition! A fadeaway jumper with night-in night-out consistency!
Halftime whistle. Nathan Cleary flops into the first available chair. The staff told me Nathan Cleary sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
This unknown gem Nathan Cleary can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Ted Bundy, this short king, gets the look from the left corner but the lid's on the rim!
Ted Bundy adjusts the matchup! Finding the right fit, the psychologist approach!
This all-time great Ted Bundy can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
This player nobody saw coming Nathan Cleary shakes hands and moves on. In the end, defense that's basically a suggestion proved costly.
Ted Bundy refuses Phoenix No-Defense's handshake. Nathan Cleary offers a limp one with just his fingertips. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
85-129 (L)
This household name LeBron James in the starting lineup! Let's see what this household name brings!
LeBron James, this certified GOAT candidate, with the shot-clock heave! No good in transition!
This dark horse Joseph Suaalii with turnover number buckets! Hot head is piling up!
Ted Bundy gets crossed over! This certified GOAT candidate left frozen from the right corner!
Nathan Cleary picks up the second technical! This raw talent ejected! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Halftime whistle. Joseph Suaalii flops into the first available chair. Fun fact: Joseph Suaalii tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
The rim rejects Ted Bundy! The rim says no! Even a psychologist gets rejected sometimes!
This basketball god Ted Bundy has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
Nathan Cleary turns it over in the free-throw line! Butterfingers from this rugby league player!
LeBron James mouths off and picks up a T! Sometimes predictable game taking over!
Joseph Suaalii consoles teammates! The heart of a rugby league player in that moment!
Nathan Cleary stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Joseph Suaalii comes back to get him. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
79-124 (L)
Nathan Cleary stretches center court! Loosening up, the rugby league player is getting ready!
LeBron James, this mountain of a man, can't finish along the baseline! That one stings!
Ted Bundy takes off into a trap! Heavy feet when reading the defense!
Joseph Suaalii watches them score! Just watching, like watching their league jersey gather dust!
LeBron James blows past and kicks the stanchion! This living legend losing composure!
Rest time. Nathan Cleary isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Did you know Nathan Cleary keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
LeBron James misses the open look! This franchise cornerstone can't believe it! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Joseph Suaalii mops their face! Sweating more than when charging the defensive line!
Joseph Suaalii throws it away! Ego the size of Texas under pressure from mid-range!
Joseph Suaalii kicks the air! The frustration of a rugby league player who knows they can do better!
Nathan Cleary shakes hands through the pain! A rugby league player who respects their league jersey and the game!
Joseph Suaalii bites the inside of his cheek. LeBron James pinches the bridge of his nose. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
86-130 (L)
This generational talent LeBron James comes out firing! A double-clutch layup in the first minute!
LeBron James, this oversized freak, gets the separation but can't finish! Tendency to rush!
LeBron James with the lazy pass! Defense that's basically a suggestion leading to easy points!
Nathan Cleary loses the screen battle! Limited stamina around the picks!
Ted Bundy, this miniature missile, throws the hands up! Exasperated from downtown!
Both teams head in. Joseph Suaalii has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Did you know Joseph Suaalii knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Minnesota Ice-Wall's colors. By accident, obviously. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
This basketball god Ted Bundy with a rare miss at the buzzer! Even the best stumble!
LeBron James, this franchise cornerstone, sucking wind after that sprint! The contest of battle!
Ted Bundy passes to nobody! This generational talent with a head-scratching decision!
Joseph Suaalii stares in disbelief! The look of a rugby league player who just lost everything!
Ted Bundy gave it everything! Everything a psychologist has, left on the court!
LeBron James shakes Nathan Cleary's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
76-118 (L)
LeBron James, this global icon, embraces the immense pressure! Game on!
LeBron James forces a bad double-clutch layup! This potential GOAT needs to trust teammates!
Joseph Suaalii with the careless pass! Charging the defensive line with more care, please!
Nathan Cleary can't stay in front! Charging the defensive line doesn't build lateral quickness!
Ted Bundy walks away muttering! Muttering about the hidden pattern under their breath!
Halftime! Ted Bundy looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Anecdote: Ted Bundy once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
LeBron James goes to work the damn ball into nothing! Shaky emotions under pressure on full display tonight!
Joseph Suaalii, this do-it-all player, with tired legs from mid-range! Injury-prone body slowing this rising star down!
Joseph Suaalii with a wild pass that sails out! This player nobody saw coming giving it away!
Joseph Suaalii slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a rugby league player hits the workbench!
LeBron James walks off in silence. This franchise cornerstone gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Ted Bundy shakes Joseph Suaalii's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
75-119 (L)
Ted Bundy locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a psychologist who means business!
Nathan Cleary fires and misses at the top of the key. Should have stuck with the defensive line!
This surprise package Joseph Suaalii dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Joseph Suaalii gives up the back door! Tendency to rush when overplaying!
LeBron James, this franchise cornerstone, with the frustrated foul! Ego the size of Texas in tough moments!
Halftime! Joseph Suaalii looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Bus driver's confession: Joseph Suaalii raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.
LeBron James fires a free throw from mid-range but can't connect! Occasional mental lapses showing!
Ted Bundy is running on fumes! The psychologist tank is completely empty!
Ted Bundy loses possession! The hidden pattern never leaves a psychologist's hands like that!
LeBron James mutters to himself walking back! This all-time great fighting inner demons!
This undisputed superstar LeBron James congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this undisputed superstar.
Ted Bundy sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Joseph Suaalii has his head in his hands. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
74-119 (L)
This unknown gem Joseph Suaalii catches the ball early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Brick! Joseph Suaalii misfires off the pick and roll! Lack of consistency at the worst time!
Joseph Suaalii dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the rugby league player's finest moment!
Ted Bundy gets burned on the switch! Hotter than a psychologist's worst day on the job!
Nathan Cleary steps back angrily after the turnover! This who-is-this-guy player spiraling!
Halftime! Nathan Cleary looks in the mirror and shakes his head. The staff told me Nathan Cleary sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
Joseph Suaalii, this versatile guy, gets the look but can't convert at half court!
This guy with rings on every finger LeBron James can barely jump! The springs are gone along the baseline!
Stolen from Ted Bundy! A psychologist who let it slip through their fingers!
Joseph Suaalii shakes their head! A rugby league player who can't believe that just happened!
LeBron James launches past the media. This franchise cornerstone not in the mood to talk.
Joseph Suaalii hurls his mouthguard into the trash. LeBron James keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
82-126 (L)
Nathan Cleary huddles with the team! Huddling up, the rugby league player strategizes!
Ted Bundy can't hit from the elbow! That zone is cursed for this psychologist!
Joseph Suaalii loses the leather! A rugby league player would never be this careless!
Ted Bundy loses their assignment! Like losing their Rorschach cards in the workshop!
Nathan Cleary looks to the heavens! A rugby league player praying for their league jersey to work!
Break. Joseph Suaalii's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Anecdote of the day: Joseph Suaalii forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
Joseph Suaalii, this swiss-army-knife type, double-clutches and misses! Indecision from this newcomer!
Joseph Suaalii is clearly fatigued! The allotted time of this plus the allotted time of charging the defensive line!
Joseph Suaalii rises up into a dead end on the low block! Turnover! Limited stamina!
Nathan Cleary, this raw talent, yells at the coaching staff! Hot head causing friction!
Joseph Suaalii walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to rugby league player life tomorrow!
LeBron James kicks his towel across the floor. Nathan Cleary has already left for the locker room, alone. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
74-118 (L)
Ted Bundy starts in the shooting guard! Playing the shooting guard the way a psychologist plays with their Rorschach cards!
Joseph Suaalii gets blocked! Rejected harder than a rugby league player's worst day on the job!
Nathan Cleary with the backcourt violation! A rugby league player going backwards with the defensive line!
Joseph Suaalii, this solid build, gets blown by on the perimeter! Heavy feet in the legs!
LeBron James storms to the bench! This franchise cornerstone is visibly upset!
Halftime whistle! Joseph Suaalii slides down against the hallway wall. Intel: Joseph Suaalii refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
Nathan Cleary denied by the basket! Even a rugby league player can't pry it open!
Joseph Suaalii leans on their knees! Gassed, but the rugby league player keeps going!
Nathan Cleary throws it into the stands! What was that from this unknown gem!
Joseph Suaalii, this all-around player, pounds the scorer's table! Hot head on full display!
Ted Bundy leaves the gymnasium with dignity! The dignity of a psychologist with their Rorschach cards!
Ted Bundy snaps at the bench on his way out. LeBron James says nothing, but his look says everything. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
88-133 (L)
Ted Bundy drives onto the floor! The crowd roars for this generational talent!
LeBron James forces a bucket along the baseline! This absolute legend trying too hard!
This living legend LeBron James with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Joseph Suaalii gets screened out of the play! This hungry young player lost in traffic!
This undisputed superstar LeBron James shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Off to the locker room. Nathan Cleary has already drained two water bottles. Little scoop: Nathan Cleary tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
Ted Bundy, this household name, pulls the trigger facing the rim but no luck!
This hidden prospect Joseph Suaalii is a warrior but the body says no! The contest of war!
LeBron James, this tower, gets called for the carry! Limited stamina in ball-handling!
This surprise package Joseph Suaalii stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
LeBron James, this tree of a man, hangs the head. Tough loss despite night-in night-out consistency effort.
Ted Bundy sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Joseph Suaalii puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
73-118 (L)
LeBron James, this living legend, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Joseph Suaalii just barely misses! Close as a rugby league player getting the defensive line almost right!
Joseph Suaalii with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the defensive line!
Joseph Suaalii gets burned on the drive! Defense that's basically a suggestion in lateral movement!
Ted Bundy, this small but mighty player, waves off the play call! Sometimes predictable game hurting the team!
Halftime whistle. Ted Bundy high-fives his teammates on the way out. Intel: Ted Bundy refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
This rising star Nathan Cleary shanks a deep three from way beyond the arc! That's uncharacteristic!
Joseph Suaalii gets the cramp timeout! Cramping from charging the defensive line and hooping!
Nathan Cleary loses the damn ball in traffic! This raw talent can't afford that!
LeBron James steps back the towel! This potential GOAT showing shaky emotions under pressure!
This hidden prospect Joseph Suaalii tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Ted Bundy takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. LeBron James doesn't drink. Throat too tight. I learned tonight that Ted Bundy used to be a rugby league player. That explains the unique running style. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: LeBron James.
Season journal
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