My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇬🇧

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

83-128 (L)

Tip goes to the association football player, who spends most of the week nowhere near a gym. Explain that one to me.

Stephen Curry hands it off to Lionel Messi, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. DOUBLE DRIBBLE! Stephen Curry picked it up, put it back down, and the whistle went off like a smoke alarm.

Trapped in the corner of the backcourt, Stephen Curry picks up his dribble, and the clock does the rest.

Here comes the slip from Erling Haaland, and Stephen Curry reads it a half second before anybody else in the building. Whistle. Moving screen on Erling Haaland, and that one was not even close. Ball goes the other way.

Not a bite on the pump fake, Lionel Messi stays tall, and the floater dies on the iron. Kobe Bryant converts on the break again, and that defense has now been beaten down the floor three straight trips. Somebody better call timeout.

Bent double with his hands on his knees, Kobe Bryant takes one breath, straightens up and points at the coach who drew the play in the huddle. The coach nods once, no smile. Stephen Curry pounds the man's shoulder anyway. Respect, delivered at maximum volume.

The players disappear into the tunnel. Stephen Curry asks for an ice pack. Did you know Stephen Curry plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. And now, our halftime TV game show Are You Smarter Than a Mailbox! To win a paint-by-numbers kit of a barn, already painted wrong, text HOOPS to 555-0066 and answer this question: 'How many keys are on a high school janitor keyring?' Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Detroit Engine-Roar with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Watch the spacing, Stephen Curry drags two bodies toward the ball and Lionel Messi is standing alone behind the line. Geometry, not luck. Twenty-four seconds of standing around, and Lionel Messi has to eat the last two of them. Possession wasted long before the shot went up.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Detroit Engine-Roar in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

That is five guys on a string and Lionel Messi is the knot holding it together, because the corner gets covered behind him too.

More second chance points for Detroit Engine-Roar, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Somewhere there is a shift with the association football player written on it for tomorrow morning. Tonight he is out here erasing shots. OUTLET! Lionel Messi rips the board and fires it ahead to Erling Haaland before anybody gets back! Somewhere a defender is explaining to his family why the association football player is going to be on the front page tomorrow morning.

Dagger from Detroit Engine-Roar. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

One little shoulder dip from Stephen Curry and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. Contested, off balance, fading away from the wrong shoulder, that is a shot Stephen Curry should never take with three teammates standing wide open.

Bucket for Detroit Engine-Roar. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Left, right, gone. Stephen Curry put that defender on skates and never even looked back. That is twice tonight Stephen Curry has tried to create with the dribble already dead, and this league does not reward that.

Stephen Curry's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Erling Haaland hides his eyes under a towel. And here is the answer to our game Are You Smarter Than a Mailbox! Wanda Sue Beezley of Rooster Comb, South Dakota, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many keys are on a high school janitor keyring?' The answer was of course forty-one, and three of them open nothing at all. Wanda Sue takes home a paint-by-numbers kit of a barn, already painted wrong! My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

103-104 (L)

No roll this time. Stephen Curry swings it right back to LeBron James above the break, and it is PURE. It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on LeBron James. Cruel. OFFENSIVE GLASS! LeBron James beats three men to the spot! Miss, tip, bucket. LeBron James makes his living in the wreckage.

Stephen Curry walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. Kobe Bryant rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. Oh my. Kobe Bryant did not even draw iron.

Erling Haaland stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. Baby hook by Erling Haaland, right over that outstretched hand, high off the board, count it.

OHHHH, what a read by Stephen Curry! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. OHHHH! Kobe Bryant went up looking for a poster and came back down as the punchline.

The defender planted his feet, and Erling Haaland said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. Erling Haaland had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

First half is done. Erling Haaland is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Fun fact: Erling Haaland was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. And now, our halftime TV game show Blockbusters at the Laundromat! To win a mannequin torso wearing a borrowed letterman jacket, text HOOPS to 555-0388 and answer this question: 'What is the boiling point of a chili at a firehouse cook-off?' Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.

This is the counter: Stephen Curry punished a defense that kept going under, and now they have to rip up the game plan. The association football player launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

Turnover, layup, Miami Heart-Attack straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

No hero ball here: Kobe Bryant takes what the defense gives and moves it along. Dribble alive, patient, patient, and then Erling Haaland slips it to Kobe Bryant right in the pocket. Surgical. Pull-up from the elbow by Kobe Bryant, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Miami Heart-Attack, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Stephen Curry, and not one single soul could do anything about it. Way short from Stephen Curry off the bounce, the ball dies on the front of the rim and drops into traffic.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Miami Heart-Attack with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

LeBron James goes up with the hands to the ceiling and the shot comes off the front rim. Textbook verticality. Wide open runway! Kobe Bryant gets to the rim before the defense even crosses halfcourt!

Kisses the biceps, one and then the other, and Kobe Bryant strolls to the free throw line like a man on vacation. LeBron James fans him with a rolled-up game program. The bench is in tears. Even the guy running the game clock is grinning into his monitor.

Ball game on the line. Kobe Bryant. One trip. It caught the front rim, kissed the back iron, took a full lap and fell off. Kobe Bryant is on his knees at half court.

Erling Haaland walks in slow motion, arms dangling. LeBron James speeds up. Wants it to be over. And here is the answer to our game Blockbusters at the Laundromat! Reba Mae Odom of Skillet Fork, California, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the boiling point of a chili at a firehouse cook-off?' The answer was of course slightly above the legal limit. Reba Mae takes home a mannequin torso wearing a borrowed letterman jacket! On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

127-95 (W)

Over the top of everybody. Stephen Curry to Erling Haaland in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. STOP AND GO! Erling Haaland hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. Lionel Messi threads a BEAUTY to Erling Haaland under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Stephen Curry controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Nobody is getting a hand near that. Kobe Bryant has all the room in the world. HAMMER! Kobe Bryant goes right through the trees and throws it DOWN with the foul!

Erling Haaland drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, Kobe Bryant fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

Orlando Magic-Beans again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Kobe Bryant waves his teammates to the weak side. One on one. No help, no excuses, no hiding. Head down, no read, no plan. Kobe Bryant bulldozes the help defender and gives away a possession for absolutely nothing.

Halftime! Stephen Curry is limping slightly heading off the court. Fun fact: Stephen Curry failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. And now, our halftime TV game show The Price is Wrong, Bob! To win a velvet painting of a raccoon in a tuxedo, text HOOPS to 555-0187 and answer this question: 'What is the middle name of the man who invented the folding chair?' Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.

Screen, hesitation, delivery, Stephen Curry drops it off perfectly for Kobe Bryant diving to the rim. Two points left on the floor by Kobe Bryant, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth. Second-chance points are how you steal games on the road, and Erling Haaland has now cleaned up four misses tonight. Second chance points for Erling Haaland, tipping his own miss straight back in before his feet ever touched the floor.

Erling Haaland climbs two rows into the stands and gets swallowed by strangers. He comes back out with somebody's cap on backward and a smear of nacho cheese on his shoulder. Stephen Curry refuses to touch him. This building has never been happier about anything.

NO! LeBron James fouls a shooter behind the arc. Three free throws. That is malpractice. Hands off, feet moving, no reaching. That is the entire instruction sheet for LeBron James the rest of the way.

Watch the change of pace from Stephen Curry, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. The whistle blows, the crowd erupts, and Stephen Curry hangs on the iron just long enough to make his point.

Stephen Curry rocks an imaginary baby down the sideline, cradling nothing at all and completely serious about it. LeBron James plays along, tiptoeing beside him and shushing the front row. Half the arena is doing it too. The other half is filming the half that is doing it.

The association football player just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. Erling Haaland just took a shoulder to the chest to buy Stephen Curry half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. Stephen Curry blows the wide open layup!

Cold blooded from Orlando Magic-Beans, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Somebody explain the arc to the association football player. He gave away three shots on a prayer, and you can watch the coach age in real time.

SKIP PASS! Kobe Bryant fires it cross court to Erling Haaland and the defense is dead in the water! They do not teach that in the association football player handbook, and yet here we are. Beautiful little exchange. OHHHH, Stephen Curry from WAY downtown off the catch! The defense rotated a half second late and paid full price.

Stephen Curry runs the baseline high-fiving every hand hanging over the rail, all the way to the corner and back. It takes forever. Play is waiting on him. Nobody in the building wants it to stop, including, visibly, the officials.

Stephen Curry and Lionel Messi pretend to fish Erling Haaland out of the crowd. They pull hard. And here is the answer to our game The Price is Wrong, Bob! Wendell Frobisher of Gravy Fork, West Virginia, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the middle name of the man who invented the folding chair?' The answer was of course Delbert, and the man himself never once sat down. Wendell takes home a velvet painting of a raccoon in a tuxedo! Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

110-111 (L)

Kobe Bryant lets it FLY from way downtown and... front rim. Not this time. Nobody put a body on Kobe Bryant and he made them pay, tipping it to himself and coming down with two hands in the trees. Up over the box out, and Kobe Bryant catches it clean and finishes strong through the contact. Somebody just got posterized.

Kobe Bryant pulls the jersey away from his chest and points at the crest, twice, hard, then taps his heart. No smile, no theater. The arena horn keeps going long after it should stop. Somebody up in the rafters is holding a sign about this exact city.

Bucket for Philadelphia Injury-Report. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Kobe Bryant threw it before the help even committed. SPIN and GO! Stephen Curry pirouettes right through the traffic and comes out the other side clean! The crowd has found its chant, and Stephen Curry is going to be hearing it all night.

POCKET PASS! Kobe Bryant threads it to Erling Haaland between two bodies and the rim is wide open! Somewhere there is a coaching video being edited right now, and the association football player is the star of it. Three steps and a prayer.

Lionel Messi got the ball, but he got it on the way down, and they are awarded the two anyway.

That's a wrap for now. LeBron James dives into the tunnel. The staff told me LeBron James sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. And now, our halftime TV game show Sale of the Half Century! To win a bread machine with a manual in three languages, none of them English, text HOOPS to 555-0673 and answer this question: 'What is the wingspan of a man who claims he could have gone pro?' Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Philadelphia Injury-Report with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Erling Haaland gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Stephen Curry saw it a beat early. That crossover was not about getting a shot up. Erling Haaland pulled it out to tell everybody in the gym whose possession this is. Nobody drew up that arc. The association football player floated one halfway to the rafters, and the rim never even got a say.

Set called, Lionel Messi waved out to the corner, and Stephen Curry watches the spacing open up like a front door. Lionel Messi attacks the baseline and the ENTIRE defense has to rotate behind him! Watch the footwork there from Lionel Messi on the catch, squared up before the ball ever arrives. That is exactly why it goes down so clean.

Blowing smoke off two fingers like a gunslinger, Lionel Messi holsters them in his waistband. Kobe Bryant plays dead on the baseline. The mascot joins the bit uninvited. A referee has to physically separate a celebration from an inbound play.

Whirl, and GONE! Stephen Curry leaves the defender grabbing at a jersey that stopped being there half a second ago. Range like that bends a defense completely out of shape, and Stephen Curry keeps proving the arc is only a suggestion.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Stephen Curry drops it off to Erling Haaland on time and on target. Erling Haaland crosses, crosses back, the defender slides half a step the wrong way and the whole arena lets out the same OHHHH. Buzzer on the shot clock, Erling Haaland heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

Turnover, layup, Philadelphia Injury-Report straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Push the pace! Stephen Curry grabs it and hits LeBron James in stride before the defense can even match up. Watch Kobe Bryant plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring LeBron James out of that corner in a blink. LeBron James gets to his spot in the lane, lifts the runner over the big man, and leaves it a foot short. No dice.

Final possession of the night, and it belongs to Stephen Curry. Nobody in this building is sitting down. Silence. Not one sound in this building. Stephen Curry is still staring at that rim like it owes him an answer.

Stephen Curry rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Erling Haaland picks up his own and folds it carefully. And here is the answer to our game show Sale of the Half Century! Orville Duckworth of Slush Pile, Michigan, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the wingspan of a man who claims he could have gone pro?' The answer was of course roughly the length of the story he is telling. Orville therefore wins a bread machine with a manual in three languages, none of them English! Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

105-119 (L)

Dagger from Phoenix No-Defense. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Swing, swing, and Kobe Bryant finds Stephen Curry on the wing before the help can even turn its head. Handoff, turn the corner, BUCKET! Stephen Curry did all the dirty work on that one. No good. LeBron James rushed that one.

Turnover, layup, Phoenix No-Defense straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Total control. Stephen Curry has this thing on a string. The association football player just handed that one straight to the other team. Hey, nobody is perfect at two jobs at once.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Phoenix No-Defense, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Break. Erling Haaland collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. True story: Erling Haaland walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Phoenix No-Defense. Awkward. And now, our halftime TV game show Church Picnic Wipeout! To win an above-ground pool ladder with no pool attached, text HOOPS to 555-0158 and answer this question: 'How much popcorn is in a large at the concession stand, honestly?' Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!

Active hands, quiet stat sheet. Stephen Curry has been poking at everything that moves for two straight quarters. Off the glass and out of the gym, LeBron James launches it and the break is ON! You can hear this arena react a half second before the ball even goes through, and that tells you everything about Stephen Curry.

Both coaches are up off the bench pleading while the officials walk the LeBron James sequence back frame by frame. Off the defender! Ball back to LeBron James!

More second chance points for Phoenix No-Defense, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Ball moves. Erling Haaland to Lionel Messi, on time and on target. Hesitate, GO. Lionel Messi is by that hip before the man even blinks. BRICK! Lionel Messi throws up a prayer and the iron sends it straight back out to half court!

Timeouts are currency in the fourth quarter and they just spent one early. Erling Haaland cost them a possession they will want back.

Two guys on the exact same page, Stephen Curry and Erling Haaland, and the defense is left holding a bag of nothing. Nobody moved, nobody cut, nobody set a screen, so Stephen Curry launches a contested jumper with the horn already going. Ugly offense.

BANG is what Erling Haaland was hearing in his head. Clang is what this building actually got. LeBron James SKIES for it! Extra life for this offense. Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, LeBron James makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. Soft touch from Kobe Bryant, the floater drops right over the big man. Cash.

Stone silence for one second, then Kobe Bryant lets out something that is not really a word, more a sound from the basement of a human being. Stephen Curry answers with the same noise. The arena joins in. There is no language left in this building.

Kobe Bryant goes fishing at the point of attack, the ball handler feels the hand on his elbow, and the arm goes straight up. Foul trouble is a chess match and Kobe Bryant just lost a piece. Three before the break changes how this team defends the pick and roll.

Inbounds pass and Kobe Bryant is on him instantly, two hands on the jersey, whistle. The clock freezes at nineteen point four.

Stephen Curry sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. Erling Haaland winces. And here is the answer to our game Church Picnic Wipeout! Charlene Pigg of Hatchet Handle, North Carolina, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How much popcorn is in a large at the concession stand, honestly?' The answer was of course a medium and a rumor. Charlene takes home an above-ground pool ladder with no pool attached! I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

97-120 (L)

Small thing, a jump ball, but LeBron James winning that tip means we set the tone. Coaches script that first play for a reason.

Hands like that on the association football player? Whatever he does all day, by night he is robbing people blind. One hand, full court, Erling Haaland hits LeBron James in stride and the crowd is already up. The bench has cleared, the crowd is screaming, and somewhere a photographer just got the shot of the season thanks to LeBron James.

LeBron James hangs on the rim one extra beat, letting the whole arena wait on him, then drops down into a dead-eyed mean mug. Erling Haaland shoves him in the chest just to get a reaction. Nothing. Stone face on a man who just changed the game.

Bucket for Los Angeles Nursing-Home. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Laser from Stephen Curry, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Here comes Stephen Curry sprinting off the elbow. Kobe Bryant slides it into his pocket and that chase defender is buried. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Stephen Curry!

Dagger from Los Angeles Nursing-Home. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Halftime! LeBron James checks his stats on the board and winces. Bus driver's confession: LeBron James raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. And now, our halftime TV game show Win Lose or Draw a Foul! To win a decorative plate commemorating the wedding of two strangers, text HOOPS to 555-0759 and answer this question: 'What is the exact temperature of a gym with one working fan?' The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Stephen Curry has known that all night long. OHHHH the separation! Erling Haaland just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. Textbook footwork, textbook release from Erling Haaland, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

Stephen Curry launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Ball into Erling Haaland at the elbow, Lionel Messi plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. The association football player tried the teardrop and never got it to the rim. Turns out soft touch does not come standard with that day job.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Los Angeles Nursing-Home, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Two defenders collide on the handoff and Kobe Bryant is gone, so Stephen Curry earned that one even if the box score disagrees. Oh, that is rough. Kobe Bryant killed his own dribble and then started a brand new one.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Erling Haaland dribbles it out at the top of the key and never even looks at the basket.

Turnover, layup, Los Angeles Nursing-Home straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Stephen Curry already has the defense a full step behind. Not an inch to spare on the endline, but Lionel Messi keeps both feet in bounds and the help gets there a beat too late. Deep. Deeper. GONE. Lionel Messi drops it in from a spot the scouting report never even listed.

Lionel Messi rocks an imaginary baby down the sideline, cradling nothing at all and completely serious about it. Kobe Bryant plays along, tiptoeing beside him and shushing the front row. Half the arena is doing it too. The other half is filming the half that is doing it.

Cross court, on a rope, from the association football player. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Erling Haaland eats the contact so Lionel Messi can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. Not a hand on him. Lionel Messi flat missed the bunny.

Watch the spacing there, Stephen Curry hits Kobe Bryant right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. OHHHH that is filthy! Kobe Bryant on the handoff and the man guarding it is still fighting over the top. Rising up out of the corner, Lionel Messi sends it LONG, clanging off the far side and out to the wing.

Erling Haaland's complexion is grey. LeBron James's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. And here is the answer to our game show Win Lose or Draw a Foul! Elmer Sizemore of Wet Sock, Louisiana, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the exact temperature of a gym with one working fan?' The answer was of course ninety four degrees near the fan and ninety six everywhere else. Elmer therefore wins a decorative plate commemorating the wedding of two strangers! While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

105-97 (W)

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Stephen Curry has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Lionel Messi precisely where the play wanted it. The association football player reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. That is a dime from Erling Haaland that deserved so much better, and Lionel Messi knows it, head down, jogging back before the ball even lands.

Clean feed from Stephen Curry, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Off the pin-down comes the association football player with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Erling Haaland scooped that in from underneath the rim!

Chest bump so violent that Erling Haaland and Stephen Curry both end up on the hardwood. They lie there laughing while play is stopped. A trainer jogs out to make sure nobody cracked a rib. The crowd is chanting before either man gets back to his feet.

Dagger from Toronto Border-Patrol. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

OHHHH the pin-down! Kobe Bryant pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with LeBron James. Brutal. Down, up, and gone for Kobe Bryant. The rim is just toying with him now.

Feet were down. Stephen Curry drove through a brick wall, and the officials agree with the brick wall.

Halftime. Stephen Curry is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Anecdote: Stephen Curry tried to impress the Toronto Border-Patrol players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. And now, our halftime TV game show Wipeout the Rec League Edition! To win a weather vane pointing a direction wind has never once gone, text HOOPS to 555-0914 and answer this question: 'How many bleacher splinters are removed nationwide every Tuesday?' We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.

Straight down the baseline goes the association football player! Whatever shift he worked this morning, he clearly left plenty in the tank. Erling Haaland pump fakes, gets the defender airborne, and walks right into his chest. Free throws. Both knocked down without the slightest wobble. Free throws are just a shift on the clock, and the association football player punched in on time.

Erling Haaland hangs on the rim one extra beat, letting the whole arena wait on him, then drops down into a dead-eyed mean mug. LeBron James shoves him in the chest just to get a reaction. Nothing. Stone face on a man who just changed the game.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Toronto Border-Patrol with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Hold everything, they are going to the replay on Kobe Bryant, and this building has stopped breathing. Call on the floor is overturned, that bench got its challenge right, and Kobe Bryant steps out to inbound from the wing.

You can read it in the body language. Kobe Bryant has ice in his veins right now, the shot clock does not scare him, nothing does tonight. OHHHHH FROM THE LOGO! Kobe Bryant pulls up from another area code and it is PURE!

Kobe Bryant sets an invisible crown on his own head, adjusts it twice, and carries the thing off like it weighs forty pounds. The Toronto Border-Patrol bench does not find it funny. Erling Haaland pounds the crown down with one fist and steers him away before the technical arrives.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Stephen Curry just did it by hitting Lionel Messi on the back side with acres of room. GONE down the baseline! Lionel Messi beat him on the first step and the paint is collapsing. Prayer from Lionel Messi. Not answered.

The extra pass! Kobe Bryant had the look, gave it up anyway, and Stephen Curry buries it. BANG! Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, Stephen Curry goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard.

Timeout. Tablet out. And every line the coach draws starts with Erling Haaland. That is the third time out of a timeout tonight that Stephen Curry has gotten a look this clean. The whiteboard is undefeated.

Kobe Bryant jumps into LeBron James's arms without warning. They both go down. And here is the answer to our game show Wipeout the Rec League Edition! Lavonne Stackhouse of Grease Rag Creek, Delaware, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many bleacher splinters are removed nationwide every Tuesday?' The answer was of course six hundred and twelve, and most of them in the Midwest. Lavonne therefore wins a weather vane pointing a direction wind has never once gone! I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

105-103 (W)

Right through the window. Erling Haaland to Stephen Curry on the roll, and the help was a half step late. You are about to see a coach put his entire face in both hands, and Stephen Curry has earned every second of that reaction.

Shot clock down to two, Lionel Messi throws up a prayer from twenty six feet, and it is not answered. Second shot clock violation of the half with Kobe Bryant holding it too long. Live possessions are too expensive to hand back like that.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Minnesota Ice-Wall with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

OHHHH the tension! Nobody is sitting, nobody is blinking, all of it rides on Stephen Curry. Super slow motion catches the defender grazing it on the way out, and you could hear the gasp when that angle hit the big screen for Stephen Curry.

Set called, Erling Haaland waved out to the corner, and Stephen Curry watches the spacing open up like a front door. OHHHHH HE SNATCHED HIS ANKLES! Erling Haaland left him on the hardwood and this building is SHAKING! Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the association football player, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

Off to the locker room. Stephen Curry has already drained two water bottles. Locker room intel: Stephen Curry has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. And now, our halftime TV game show Bowling for Bologna! To win a set of hubcaps for a car that nobody makes anymore, text HOOPS to 555-0204 and answer this question: 'How many buttons on a scoreboard controller actually do anything?' The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Erling Haaland just did it by hitting LeBron James on the back side with acres of room. LeBron James comes off the screen and the big man drops WAY back. Stephen Curry just fades to the arc for the cleanest look of the night. Stephen Curry splits the coverage with a bounce pass you need slow motion to appreciate. Dimes. The association football player just put somebody on a POSTER! That defender is going to see this clip for the rest of his life!

Chest bump so violent that Lionel Messi and Erling Haaland both end up on the hardwood. They lie there laughing while play is stopped. A trainer jogs out to make sure nobody cracked a rib. The crowd is chanting before either man gets back to his feet.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Kobe Bryant breaks a shell down. The association football player just ran that two-man game like he has a decade of film on it. Somebody get this man a contract. Rising into two defenders, Stephen Curry launches a jumper that finds nothing but backboard and bad decisions.

Lionel Messi sets it and slides out instead of rolling, Stephen Curry finds him late, and the defense pays for cheating under the screen. Off the dribble, a full step behind the logo, straight down. Tomorrow the association football player goes back to work, tonight he owns this arena.

Lionel Messi cups a hand to his ear and turns a slow full circle, milking every section. The upper deck answers louder than the lower bowl, so he points up there and nods. Stephen Curry joins the spin. Forty seconds of noise before anybody inbounds the ball.

Cheap. Nothing about that shot was going down, and Erling Haaland handed over three freebies anyway.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Minnesota Ice-Wall in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

The association football player is going shot for shot with the best scorer on this floor and refusing to flinch. On a weeknight. After a full shift.

Look at that bench, not one man seated. Kobe Bryant had this moment circled since the walkthrough, and the shot has not even gone up. Understand what you just watched: an entire year turns on one possession, and Kobe Bryant stepped into it without a single flicker of doubt.

Off comes the headband, launched into the crowd like a rock star, and the fight for it delays the inbound. Kobe Bryant watches two adults wrestle in row four. Half the arena is filming that instead of the game. Everybody in here has lost the plot.

Stephen Curry and Kobe Bryant swing Erling Haaland around by his arms like a carousel. He looks sick. And here is the answer to our game Bowling for Bologna! Faye Ellen Duckworth of Sweat Bee, Connecticut, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many buttons on a scoreboard controller actually do anything?' The answer was of course two, and the rest are there for confidence. Faye Ellen takes home a set of hubcaps for a car that nobody makes anymore! Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

106-112 (L)

The association football player just out-jumped a guy half a foot taller for the opening tip. Somebody check the day job again.

Kobe Bryant kicks it over to LeBron James, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Watch the sell from LeBron James here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. Off the back iron for LeBron James, that one had all the distance and none of the accuracy, and the board goes the other way.

Towels are FLYING for the association football player! Going back to the day job on Monday is going to feel extremely strange after a night like this. REJECTED! Lionel Messi gets ALL of that jumper and the building erupts!

Ten to nothing. Kobe Bryant is COOKING and there is not one answer on that other bench.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Houston Blast-Off, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

That's a cut. Stephen Curry stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Confession: Stephen Curry calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. And now, our halftime TV game show The Bonus Round of Regret! To win a set of curtains printed with enormous cartoon sheep, text HOOPS to 555-1224 and answer this question: 'What is the distance from the free throw line to a lifetime of regret?' Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.

Stephen Curry holds it, waits, waits some more, then lets it go at the last possible instant to LeBron James flying by. That is a half-second window and he threads it. Whistle! LeBron James got hacked on the way up. Two shots coming. Boring is beautiful, and LeBron James is automatic from the stripe. That is how you close a game out.

Oversold by a mile. Kobe Bryant is still lying on the hardwood while the play runs the other way.

More second chance points for Houston Blast-Off, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

You can read it right off the scoreboard: not one point since the last stoppage, and Lionel Messi is pressing badly now. Twenty-four seconds, zero shots. LeBron James holds it, the buzzer sounds, and we give it back without ever testing the rim.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Houston Blast-Off with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

The association football player makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. The big rolls, the defense collapses, and Stephen Curry punishes it with a read most guys never even see. Gift wrapped by Kobe Bryant, and Erling Haaland cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

Dagger from Houston Blast-Off. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Screened, toasted, done. Kobe Bryant is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. That is a shot selection problem, plain and simple. Kobe Bryant drove into three bodies and the help defender was waiting the whole way.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the association football player, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. Down screen, and Lionel Messi curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. That is the kind of finish that changes a defense's body language, and Lionel Messi has already done it twice this quarter.

Lionel Messi sprints to the sideline, hops onto the scorer's table and raises both fists. The stat crew grabs their laptops and security is already moving. A trainer hauls him down by the shorts before anybody gets fined. Worth it, obviously.

LeBron James watches the crowd file out in silence. Lionel Messi prefers not to look. And here is the answer to our game show The Bonus Round of Regret! Homer Fussell of Poke Salad Crossing, Rhode Island, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the distance from the free throw line to a lifetime of regret?' The answer was of course fifteen feet, same as it has always been, which is the cruel part. Homer therefore wins a set of curtains printed with enormous cartoon sheep! Evening confession: I'm wearing LeBron James's jersey under my shirt. For morale. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

98-114 (L)

OHHHH he SNATCHED that tip! LeBron James rips it out of the air and we are off.

More second chance points for Denver Horse-Track, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Lazy feed into the middle, Erling Haaland read it the whole way, and that possession is over before it started. You will never find it in a box score, but Kobe Bryant just flipped that entire trip down the floor with one hand.

Bucket for Denver Horse-Track. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Total control. Stephen Curry has this thing on a string. Working him at the top of the key, low dribble, low dribble, then LeBron James rips it across and his man lunges at a ghost. LeBron James beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless.

Halftime. LeBron James wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Fun fact: LeBron James got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. And now, our halftime TV game show The Gong Show Is Broken! To win a fishing rod with no reel and a badly bent tip, text HOOPS to 555-0781 and answer this question: 'How long is one minute during the fourth quarter?' The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.

OHHHH they are coming apart! LeBron James again, and the defense has no idea where to turn!

Turnover, layup, Denver Horse-Track straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the association football player made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. That is another catch and shoot triple for Erling Haaland, and you can see the closeouts getting more desperate every single trip.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Stephen Curry makes it every single trip down the floor. Hard drive, hard stop, and Kobe Bryant retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. Rises, releases, and Kobe Bryant sends the ball through the exact patch of sky where the rim is not.

That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Stephen Curry the moment he crosses half court. Two defenders in the lane, Stephen Curry splits them, double clutches and kisses it off the square. Count it!

Stephen Curry freezes in his follow-through, wrist still hanging, and holds it while the Denver Horse-Track coach burns a timeout out of pure desperation. He holds it through the whistle. He holds it into the huddle. The cameras eat every single second of it.

Push the pace! Stephen Curry grabs it and hits Erling Haaland in stride before the defense can even match up. A full spin move through traffic from the association football player! Whatever they teach in that trade, footwork is apparently part of it. Perfect drop-off from Kobe Bryant, and Erling Haaland answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

Denver Horse-Track again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Kick out to Erling Haaland, one more to Stephen Curry, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. Stephen Curry rises, the big man rises higher, and the shot is stuffed into the second row. Return to sender.

Under review. Stephen Curry does not know yet whether he is the hero or the footnote. Waved off. Stephen Curry got the entire celebration in before the officials even reached the monitor.

Lionel Messi's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. Stephen Curry breathes through his nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. And here is the answer to our game show The Gong Show Is Broken! Gwendolyn Pyle of Half Moon Gulch, Montana, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How long is one minute during the fourth quarter?' The answer was of course somewhere between four and nineteen minutes, depending on the score. Gwendolyn therefore wins a fishing rod with no reel and a badly bent tip! As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

97-114 (L)

Turnover, layup, New York Over-Timers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Erling Haaland goes down like he was shot. No whistle. The crowd lets him hear every bit of it.

Stephen Curry walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. LeBron James sets the pick and DIVES to the cup. Erling Haaland lays it right on his hands in traffic! That is the shot chart lying to you. LeBron James did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

More second chance points for New York Over-Timers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Clang. Stephen Curry wants that one back. Hustle play of the night so far. Kobe Bryant gave up his ribs for one extra possession and the bench is on its feet. That is pure want-to: Kobe Bryant was the only man on the floor who decided that rebound belonged to him.

Kobe Bryant points at Erling Haaland first, then at the pass that made it possible, then at Erling Haaland again, making sure the building knows who did the real work. Erling Haaland waves it off, embarrassed. The chant that starts up is not for the scorer.

Heading in. Erling Haaland's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Did you know? Erling Haaland tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. And now, our halftime TV game show The Price is Wrong, Bob! To win a velvet painting of a raccoon in a tuxedo, text HOOPS to 555-0187 and answer this question: 'What is the middle name of the man who invented the folding chair?' We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, New York Over-Timers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Kobe Bryant threw it before the help even committed. Stephen Curry comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from Stephen Curry. Reverse layup by Stephen Curry, using the rim as a shield the whole way through. A circus act wrapped around textbook footwork.

Stone silence for one second, then Stephen Curry lets out something that is not really a word, more a sound from the basement of a human being. Lionel Messi answers with the same noise. The arena joins in. There is no language left in this building.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Stephen Curry just did it by hitting Erling Haaland on the back side with acres of room. The association football player runs a dribble handoff with the timing of a fifteen-year vet. Not bad for somebody who does this on weekends. Getting to his spot and elevating, Lionel Messi puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

Textbook two three with LeBron James manning the back line, and they have not seen a clean look in three trips.

That is vision. Stephen Curry sees the pocket open for a tenth of a second and puts the ball in it. No touch. Erling Haaland left the soft hands in the locker room tonight.

Ohhh no. Corner three, New York Over-Timers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Stephen Curry drops it off to Lionel Messi on time and on target. Off the pin-down comes the association football player with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. That is the shot Lionel Messi wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and Stephen Curry gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. From eight feet Kobe Bryant puts way too much on it, and the ball clears the rim entirely.

OHHHH the hesi! Stephen Curry froze him solid and he is already gone! Stephen Curry probes the lane, cups the ball with two hands, then bounces it again. That is the violation they fix in third grade.

Stephen Curry pushes away the reporter's microphone with a gesture. Erling Haaland takes the interview and says 'not tonight'. And here is the answer to our game The Price is Wrong, Bob! Wendell Frobisher of Gravy Fork, West Virginia, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the middle name of the man who invented the folding chair?' The answer was of course Delbert, and the man himself never once sat down. Wendell takes home a velvet painting of a raccoon in a tuxedo! Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

89-123 (L)

Won it clean! LeBron James got up and over him with room to spare.

Cold blooded from Cleveland Twin-Towers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the association football player, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. Unselfish basketball. Lionel Messi passes up a good shot and hands Stephen Curry a GREAT one. In, around, and gone. The iron gives Stephen Curry nothing.

Body to body all the way to the rim and the arm goes up. That is on LeBron James, and this crew is not letting anything go tonight. Nothing but trouble ahead for LeBron James. Third foul, and this crew is calling it tight on both ends of the floor.

More second chance points for Cleveland Twin-Towers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Halftime. Erling Haaland's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Did you know Erling Haaland entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. And now, our halftime TV game show The Pyramid of Slightly Less Money! To win a novelty mug that says WORLDS SECOND BEST GRANDMA, text HOOPS to 555-0938 and answer this question: 'Which is heavier, a pound of basketballs or a pound of excuses?' Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.

GET THAT OUTTA HERE! LeBron James meets that jumper at the top of its flight and spikes it into the sideline. Steal, sprint, slam. LeBron James takes the Stephen Curry feed and puts it down before anyone gets back.

A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Erling Haaland pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. The filthy euro-step in traffic was the idea, but the feet got greedy and the whistle blew Erling Haaland dead.

Over the top of everybody. Stephen Curry to Erling Haaland in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Erling Haaland does. Nobody drew up that arc. The association football player floated one halfway to the rafters, and the rim never even got a say.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Cleveland Twin-Towers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

LeBron James reads it two passes early, steps into the gap and takes away the entire lane before anybody gets there. This is the work that never shows up in a box score, and LeBron James just took two points off the board without a single stat.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Cleveland Twin-Towers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

The association football player just got left in the dust, and in fairness, that is a professional athlete he was asked to guard.

Dagger from Cleveland Twin-Towers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Watch the sell from Stephen Curry here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. Up goes the shot from Stephen Curry and that is nothing but AIR, and every soul in this building saw it happen.

Whole huddle leaning in to hear it, and the plan is to hand the game to the association football player. Genius or madness, we are about to find out. Cut, screen, relocate, and there is LeBron James wide open in the corner. Nobody on that defense read one page of it.

Down by the baseline, LeBron James points at the arena DJ, who obliges with the loudest thing in the catalog. The whole lower bowl is up. Stephen Curry is dancing badly and fully aware of it. The Cleveland Twin-Towers coach signals for time and gets ignored by his own players.

LeBron James pulls his cap down over his eyes. Stephen Curry doesn't have a cap, and it shows. And here is the answer to our game show The Pyramid of Slightly Less Money! Dwight Hufnagel of Bogwater, Maine, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Which is heavier, a pound of basketballs or a pound of excuses?' The answer was of course the excuses, because they come with packaging. Dwight therefore wins a novelty mug that says WORLDS SECOND BEST GRANDMA! During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

79-117 (L)

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Boston Ring-Chasers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Stephen Curry rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. Every highlight show in the country runs that clip tonight, and unfortunately for Stephen Curry he is on the wrong end of it.

Cold blooded from Boston Ring-Chasers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

No block, no foul, just LeBron James being ENORMOUS in the lane, and that shot never had a chance.

Dagger from Boston Ring-Chasers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Break. Lionel Messi collapses next to the vending machine. Little secret: Lionel Messi has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. And now, our halftime TV game show Match Game Winding Down! To win a souvenir shot glass from a state park with no water in it, text HOOPS to 555-0509 and answer this question: 'Which came first, the backboard or the regret?' Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.

Cross court, on a rope, from the association football player. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! Stephen Curry never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Stephen Curry builds the whole thing from nothing. No screen, no help, three points.

Backing all the way to half court with three fingers held over each eye, Stephen Curry keeps the goggles on for the entire trip. The bench mob copies it in unison. The broadcast cuts to twelve grown men wearing invisible glasses. Peak television, honestly.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Stephen Curry just did it by hitting LeBron James on the back side with acres of room. Second pass beats the rotation, LeBron James to Erling Haaland, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. AIRBALL! Erling Haaland missed the rim, the backboard and everything in between!

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Stephen Curry breaks a shell down. Telegraphed. LeBron James announced that pass three days in advance and the defense RSVP'd.

OHHHH the hesi! Stephen Curry froze him solid and he is already gone! Stop on a dime, up and over those outstretched arms, and the center can only stand there and watch Stephen Curry walk away from it.

Down by the baseline, Stephen Curry points at the arena DJ, who obliges with the loudest thing in the catalog. The whole lower bowl is up. Kobe Bryant is dancing badly and fully aware of it. The Boston Ring-Chasers coach signals for time and gets ignored by his own players.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Boston Ring-Chasers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Screen, roll, DELIVERY from Stephen Curry! Nothing but runway to the rim! Awful shot by Kobe Bryant with eleven still on the shot clock, off the front rim and out to the wing.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Boston Ring-Chasers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Stephen Curry has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching LeBron James precisely where the play wanted it. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! LeBron James spun out of a double team like it was a revolving door! LeBron James went for the deep heat check and produced the loudest silence of the night, roar to OHHHH in half a second.

That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Stephen Curry the moment he crosses half court. Blocked into the floor. Stephen Curry will be seeing that one in his sleep.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Erling Haaland threw it before the help even committed. Baseline wide open. LeBron James said thank you. Soft off the fingertips, the ball takes a full lap of the rim on LeBron James, and spits straight back out. That is theft.

Kobe Bryant refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. LeBron James watches it and immediately regrets it. And here is the answer to our game show Match Game Winding Down! Georgette Blalock of Little Persimmon, North Carolina, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Which came first, the backboard or the regret?' The answer was of course the regret, by about eleven minutes. Georgette therefore wins a souvenir shot glass from a state park with no water in it! Evening confession: I'm wearing Kobe Bryant's jersey under my shirt. For morale. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

96-127 (L)

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Kobe Bryant makes it every single trip down the floor. OHHHH the separation! Erling Haaland just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. Feet already set, hands already ready. Erling Haaland takes the feed from Kobe Bryant and cashes it.

Turnover, layup, San Antonio Skyscrapers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Erling Haaland threw it before the help even committed. The help defender committed way too early, and Kobe Bryant made him pay for it with a spin they will be replaying all week. That is what heavy minutes do, Kobe Bryant has run all night and the legs have nothing left to give the jumper.

That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Stephen Curry the moment he crosses half court. Not close, not warm, not anywhere for Stephen Curry, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet.

A single dribble is all Kobe Bryant needed to get downhill, and the back side of that defense is in complete disarray. That is a throwback bucket: Kobe Bryant with his back to the basket, and the defense has absolutely no answer for it.

Shoving match at the scorer's table, except it is between Lionel Messi and an assistant coach who both want to hug Kobe Bryant first. Kobe Bryant lets them sort it out. The trainer has given up on protecting anybody. Somebody's clipboard is already on the floor.

Rest. Erling Haaland buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Did you know? Erling Haaland tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. And now, our halftime TV game show Win Lose or Draw a Foul! To win a decorative plate commemorating the wedding of two strangers, text HOOPS to 555-0759 and answer this question: 'What is the exact temperature of a gym with one working fan?' Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.

Whistle! Lionel Messi gets him on the arm. Personal foul, nothing clever about it. OHHHH the whistle! Number five on Lionel Messi, and this bench cannot believe what it just saw.

Dagger from San Antonio Skyscrapers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Two defenders, one gap, and Erling Haaland finds it. Onions on that pass. Nobody touched him, nobody trapped him, and Stephen Curry still coughed it up. Easiest whistle these officials will blow all night.

Bucket for San Antonio Skyscrapers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Oldest play in the book and it still works: Kobe Bryant passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. The gather was clean, the decision after it was not. Kobe Bryant had a live pivot foot and threw it away for a bounce he did not need.

This is the possession the entire scouting report warned about, and Stephen Curry is licking his chops. Wasted possession from Stephen Curry. Charge, dead ball, and the other team walks its offense right back up the floor with a free one.

San Antonio Skyscrapers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Set called, Lionel Messi waved out to the corner, and Stephen Curry watches the spacing open up like a front door. Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Lionel Messi, and not one single soul could do anything about it. Oh my. Lionel Messi did not even draw iron.

Whistles. Monitor. And Erling Haaland standing frozen at midcourt. The association football player is finding out what this league does to people. It hands you the moment, then it rolls the tape.

LeBron James sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Kobe Bryant puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. And here is the answer to our game show Win Lose or Draw a Foul! Elmer Sizemore of Wet Sock, Louisiana, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the exact temperature of a gym with one working fan?' The answer was of course ninety four degrees near the fan and ninety six everywhere else. Elmer therefore wins a decorative plate commemorating the wedding of two strangers! Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

79-124 (L)

Set called, Erling Haaland waved out to the corner, and Stephen Curry watches the spacing open up like a front door. Hesitate, GO. Erling Haaland is by that hip before the man even blinks. Erling Haaland backs his man down, feels the contact, spins middle and drops it in over both hands. Fundamentals!

Slow walk, no expression. Erling Haaland backpedals past the Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest huddle close enough to hear what is being said and never turns his head. The crowd noise is a physical object at this point. One of their assistants stands up, and nothing comes of it.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Stephen Curry put that man in a blender and the third row felt it! AROUND the cylinder and OUT! Stephen Curry cannot believe it, and neither can this building.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Erling Haaland has known that all night long. Filthy. Absolutely filthy from Stephen Curry, and the defender knows exactly what just happened to him. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and Stephen Curry is walking back with both hands on his head.

More second chance points for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Break! Kobe Bryant takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Did you know Kobe Bryant keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. And now, our halftime TV game show Foul Line Confessions! To win a hood ornament from a truck that was never built, text HOOPS to 555-1098 and answer this question: 'Why does every gym in the country smell exactly the same?' Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.

Erling Haaland feels the contact, spins off that shoulder, and the defender is left hugging a whole lot of nothing. Shot clock at one, and Erling Haaland just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Kobe Bryant threw it before the help even committed. Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, LeBron James and Erling Haaland just played basketball and the defense got shredded. From WAY downtown! LeBron James launched that one from the parking lot!

Dagger from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Bodies everywhere in the paint and it does not matter one bit to Stephen Curry, one spin and the ball never leaves the string. REJECTED! Stephen Curry takes it in and gets it sent straight back into his own chest.

Bucket for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

The longer they stay at that monitor, the louder this place gets, and Kobe Bryant is refusing to look at the big screen. That is a HUGE possession. Kobe Bryant keeps the ball with this thing hanging by a thread.

Lionel Messi pushes it in transition, pulls up from the elbow, cash. That is a 10-0 run and the visitors have not scored in three minutes.

THREE SECONDS! Lionel Messi bought property in that paint and forgot to pay the rent.

Take the foul, live with whatever happens at the line. Kobe Bryant clamps down on the ball handler and the whistle does the rest.

Kobe Bryant mutters 'damn' under his breath. Erling Haaland says 'yeah' in the same tone. And here is the answer to our game show Foul Line Confessions! Wendell Crabtree of Lost Mitten, Colorado, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Why does every gym in the country smell exactly the same?' The answer was of course floor wax, popcorn, and forty years of accumulated nervousness. Wendell therefore wins a hood ornament from a truck that was never built! As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'