My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇦🇺
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Denver Horse-Track | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 11 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Houston Blast-Off | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Buckle up, pull your visor down, and clench everything you've got because tonight we are NOT talking about some pickup game at the park. Hell no. We're talking about an arena shaking so hard the neighbors called the cops three times before tip-off. We're talking about a franchise built on decades of sweat, tears, heart-stopping buzzer-beaters, and Draft picks so bold that half the league thought they'd lost their minds. And yet, here they are, back and hungrier than ever. The team with no name, baby! Now let's talk about the man who moves jerseys faster than hot dogs at the concession stand. Spider-Man. Just the name sends chills through the building. Standing at 178 cm, arms that cover half the court, and a basketball IQ so fast that defenders feel like they're playing in slow motion. This man doesn't walk, he glides. He doesn't jump, he launches into orbit. And when he locks eyes with you before a free throw, you feel like YOU'RE the one about to catch the ball in your face. His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket. And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Aang. The man. Is. A warrior. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A warrior. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got notched blade and apparently, the technical motion of a warrior and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach. The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
86-129 (L)
This global icon Spider-Man catches the damn ball early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
This potential GOAT Batman with a rare miss in the paint! Even the best stumble!
Kratos trips up in the three-point line! A warrior never trips at work... Right?
Kratos beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the contested ground slipping from a warrior!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Batman can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Halftime! Batman looks in the mirror and shakes his head. They say Batman eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Mike Tyson with the contested finger roll along the baseline! No good! Bad selection!
Batman, this tweener, looks exhausted from the left corner! The legs are gone!
Batman, this solid build, gets the ball poked away! Heavy feet when protecting the Spalding!
Mike Tyson kicks the air! The frustration of a boxer who knows they can do better!
Kratos wipes a tear! A warrior who poured everything into the effort!
Aang lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Spider-Man decides not to comment. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
97-109 (L)
Aang sets the tone early! The warrior came to play tonight!
Aang, this legit talent, with the shot-clock heave! No good driving to the hoop!
Kratos loses the pill! A warrior would never be this careless!
Batman watches them score! Just watching, like watching their bare hands gather dust!
Kratos fires away through traffic and scores! Incredible finish!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Batman walks head down toward the tunnel. Small detail: Batman wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
Batman can't mask the disappointment! This potential GOAT wearing it on the sleeve!
Spider-Man misses! Even a superhero can't fix that shot!
This living legend Mike Tyson attacks the closeout! Driving past the over-eager defender!
This guy with a proven track record Aang can barely jump! The springs are gone from the left corner!
Kratos vows to come back stronger! Stronger than the notched blade reinforced with the contested ground!
Spider-Man shakes Batman's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
81-115 (L)
Mike Tyson announces themselves! The boxer has arrived and the building knows it!
Mike Tyson shoots an air ball in a roaring arena! A boxer lost in the noise!
Mike Tyson coughs it up! A boxer's grip doesn't work on the Spalding!
Mike Tyson gets posterized! A boxer framed by the hand wraps in the worst way!
Batman stares in disbelief! The look of a superhero who just lost everything!
Halftime. Aang's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Small detail: Aang whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
Spider-Man rushes a layup driving to the hoop! Tendency to rush creeping in!
Batman is out on their feet! Running on fumes and pure superhero stubbornness!
Mike Tyson with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost boxer!
Aang mutters to himself walking back! This player on the come-up fighting inner demons!
This living legend Spider-Man leaves the gym with head held high. Fought to the end.
Batman sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Mike Tyson puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
85-118 (L)
Spider-Man huddles with the team! Huddling up, the superhero strategizes!
Mike Tyson, this guy with rings on every finger, sends the leather wide! The touch is off tonight!
Aang with a wild pass that sails out! This hooper's hooper giving it away!
Kratos watches helplessly! A warrior watching the contested ground fall off the shelf!
Spider-Man throws their hands up! Like a superhero when their bare hands breaks!
Back in the locker room, Batman sits down and stares at the ceiling. Anecdote: Batman fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.
Kratos can't score in the first half! This warrior is way off tonight!
Spider-Man asks for ice! Cooling down, even a superhero's engine needs a rest!
Kratos with the errant pass! This guy with a proven track record needs to settle down!
Kratos, this swiss-army-knife type, pounds the scorer's table! Tendency to rush on full display!
Batman reflects on what could have been. Hot head the difference tonight.
Spider-Man is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Mike Tyson waits at the tunnel entrance. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
82-124 (L)
This basketball god Batman gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Kratos misfires from the right corner! This hooper's hooper searching for answers!
Kratos, this versatile guy, gets stripped facing the rim! Tendency to rush exposed!
Kratos gets blown by! Even a warrior couldn't stop that!
Spider-Man is visibly upset! Upset as a superhero when the game goes sideways!
Halftime whistle. Mike Tyson spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. They say Mike Tyson eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Mike Tyson heaves and misses! Should have heaved the heavy bags instead!
Aang is spent! Used up like the contested ground after a warrior's long day!
Aang spins into a trap! Occasional mental lapses when reading the defense!
Spider-Man buries their face! Hidden from view, the superhero can't watch!
Mike Tyson walks off in defeat! Even a boxer's skills couldn't save tonight!
Kratos collapses into the first available chair. Mike Tyson stays standing, eyes glazed over. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
86-131 (L)
Aang wins the opening tip! Tipping off with warrior energy!
This undisputed superstar Spider-Man shanks a deep three from way beyond the arc! That's uncharacteristic!
This global icon Spider-Man commits the 5-second violation! Clock management heavy feet!
Kratos lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this up-and-coming baller fooled!
Spider-Man, this all-time great, with the frustrated foul! Defense that's basically a suggestion in tough moments!
Halftime. Kratos's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Anecdote: Kratos tried to impress the Los Angeles Nursing-Home players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
Spider-Man rattles in and out! The game never teases a superhero like that!
Aang gets the cramp timeout! Cramping from conquering the contested ground and hooping!
This living legend Batman loses concentration and the ball with it!
Spider-Man picks up the second technical! This certified GOAT candidate ejected! Sometimes predictable game!
Mike Tyson looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a boxer!
Spider-Man takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Batman doesn't drink. Throat too tight. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
106-109 (L)
Aang opens with a free throw! This respected competitor making an early statement!
Kratos rises up the rock with purpose! A layup! This league veteran means business!
Batman gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the game behind their bare hands!
Spider-Man pulls up the Wilson right into the defender's hands! Ego the size of Texas!
This undisputed superstar Spider-Man with the three-point play! Comeback special at the top of the key!
Both teams head in. Spider-Man has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. True story: Spider-Man had his parking spot stolen by Toronto Border-Patrol's mascot. Still talks about it. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
Spider-Man sends the free throw long! Overcooked it, the superhero touch is off tonight!
Kratos, this guy with a proven track record, refuses to high-five! Lack of consistency hurting the chemistry!
This respected competitor Kratos is the heartbeat of this team! A career-defining moment leadership!
Kratos misses the game-tying shot! Even a warrior couldn't save that one!
Batman leaves the hardwood quietly! Quiet as a superhero after the game setback!
Spider-Man watches the crowd file out in silence. Batman prefers not to look. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
105-118 (L)
Batman pulls up with energy from the opening whistle! This all-time great locked in!
This generational talent Batman whiffs on a catch-and-shoot triple! The crowd groans!
This established player Aang commits the offensive foul! Turnover from way beyond the arc!
Batman gambles for the steal and pays the price! Ego the size of Texas!
What a play by Aang! A buzzer beater at the top of the key! This legit talent is cooking!
The locker room fills up. Aang has already eaten three oranges. Quick anecdote about Aang: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Aang storms to the bench! Heated! This warrior doesn't handle losing well!
Mike Tyson launches a tear drop and... Airball! Ego the size of Texas at its peak!
Aang slows the pace when the team needs it! This legit talent tempo control!
This all-time great Mike Tyson has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
Aang sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a warrior after the notched blade broke!
Spider-Man walks toward the tunnel without a word. Batman stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. I learned that Spider-Man's father was a superhero. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
90-134 (L)
This household name Spider-Man means business! Fast start from the left corner!
Batman, this solid build, gets the look driving to the hoop but the lid's on the rim!
Mike Tyson pulls up carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Batman, this tweener, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over sometimes predictable game!
Aang, this combo guard, shows negative body language! Occasional mental lapses creeping in!
Back in the locker room, Kratos sits down and stares at the ceiling. They say Kratos has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
Kratos can't convert the open shot! Conquering the contested ground is way easier!
Spider-Man is gassed! This franchise cornerstone bent over at half court! Sometimes predictable game catching up!
Aang botches the handoff! Even the notched blade exchanges go smoother!
Batman vents at their teammates! The superhero who vents about the game!
Kratos absorbs the defeat! Taking it on the chin, a warrior knows tough days!
Aang scratches the back of his neck nervously. Batman has the look of someone who has seen things. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
79-123 (L)
Mike Tyson takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Aang misfires again! Having the contested ground-shaped night!
Spider-Man loses possession! The game never leaves a superhero's hands like that!
Kratos gets burned on the switch! Hotter than a warrior's worst day on the job!
This player on the come-up Aang gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Rest. Spider-Man buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Juicy intel: Spider-Man turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
Kratos, this solid build, loses the handle and the opportunity! Ego the size of Texas!
Spider-Man can barely run! The 4 periods of 12 minutes harder than the 4 periods of 12 minutes of competing the game!
This name that's buzzing Aang with turnover number lengths ahead! Tendency to rush is piling up!
Batman tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the superhero will bounce back!
Spider-Man, this scrappy guard, trudges off the arena. Lessons to take from this one.
Kratos replays the score in his head on a loop. Spider-Man tries to think about something else. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
77-122 (L)
Batman steps onto the venue! From competing the game to this, game time!
Aang can't connect! The notched blade in hand, sure. The Wilson through the hoop, nope!
Spider-Man throws it away! A pass worse than a superhero tossing the game!
Aang gets burned on the drive! Heavy feet in lateral movement!
Spider-Man pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The superhero in them is showing!
Halftime. Mike Tyson glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Confession: Mike Tyson calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
Brick! Mike Tyson misfires from way beyond the arc! Occasional mental lapses at the worst time!
Spider-Man grabs the jersey for air! Needs more air than their bare hands in the workshop!
Sloppy handling by Aang! Conquering the contested ground is done with more finesse!
Aang, this respected competitor, yells at the coaching staff! Heavy feet causing friction!
Despite the loss, Aang held their own with the contested ground! The warrior fought!
Kratos chews his nails on the bench. Spider-Man stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
81-125 (L)
Aang, this well-respected player, embraces the incredible energy! Game on!
Kratos can't find the range! The notched blade has better accuracy than that!
This first-ballot legend Batman with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Aang beaten to the spot! Slower than a warrior on a Monday morning!
Batman looks to the heavens! A superhero praying for their bare hands to work!
The locker room. Kratos sprawls out full-length on the bench. Anecdote: Kratos tried to impress the Cleveland Twin-Towers players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Kratos rattles it out! Shaking the gym with the notched blade intensity!
Aang jogs instead of sprints! Conserving energy for conquering the contested ground tomorrow!
Batman gets picked! A superhero getting the game stolen in broad daylight!
This established player Aang shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Batman consoles teammates! The heart of a superhero in that moment!
Spider-Man punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. Batman slides down the wall to the floor. Behind the scenes, I learned Batman was also a superhero in a past life. You can feel it in the game. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
75-120 (L)
Batman checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Air ball from Aang! Being a warrior doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Mike Tyson with the careless pass! Pummelling the heavy bags with more care, please!
Aang, this solid build, fouls unnecessarily from the left corner! Injury-prone body!
Batman dribbles and kicks the stanchion! This all-time great losing composure!
Halftime. Batman throws his towel on the floor walking in. Small detail: Batman wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
Batman can't buy a shot! Wouldn't happen with the game, a superhero always hits!
Kratos tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a warrior's energy for the contested ground!
Aang dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the warrior's finest moment!
This solid pro Aang hangs the head after the miss! Deflated back to the basket!
Spider-Man fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the superhero gave everything!
Spider-Man refuses Boston Ring-Chasers's handshake. Batman offers a limp one with just his fingertips. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
82-126 (L)
Mike Tyson, this compact dynamo, is introduced and the arena explodes! This household name is in the building!
Spider-Man gets blocked! Rejected harder than a superhero's worst day on the job!
Mike Tyson forces the pass! Forcing the hand wraps where it doesn't fit!
Kratos gives up the easy bucket! Easier than conquering the contested ground!
Mike Tyson slams the leather in frustration! Shaky emotions under pressure on full display!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Batman picks up the pace. Did you know? Batman tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Mike Tyson misses the layup! Even the heavy bags would have gone in easier!
Mike Tyson drags their feet! Heavy as the hand wraps at the end of a shift!
Spider-Man throws it away! Shaky emotions under pressure under pressure back to the basket!
Mike Tyson, this small but mighty player, waves off the play call! Ego the size of Texas hurting the team!
Spider-Man takes the loss hard! Hard as the game on a bad superhero day!
Spider-Man refuses the coach's embrace. Batman accepts it but his body is stiff. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
79-123 (L)
Mike Tyson locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a boxer who means business!
Aang dishes and fires but misses everything! Sometimes predictable game tonight!
Intercepted! Mike Tyson's pass snatched right out of the air! A boxer would never be that careless!
Aang overcommits! Going all-in like a warrior on the contested ground, but wrong!
Spider-Man walks away muttering! Muttering about the game under their breath!
The players leave the court. Spider-Man clings to the tunnel railing. Small detail: Spider-Man whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Kratos misfires from the left corner! Even this respected competitor has off nights!
Aang cramps up! Muscles tight from the notched blade and the damn ball double duty!
Aang turns it over at right from the tip-off! A warrior dropping the notched blade at the worst time!
Mike Tyson drops the head after another miss! Tendency to rush sapping the confidence!
Aang, this legit talent, takes the loss hard. Shaky emotions under pressure at the wrong moments.
Spider-Man sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Batman puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Spider-Man.
Season journal
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