My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇦🇺

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

74-118 (L)

Ohhh no. Corner three, Detroit Engine-Roar in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Zak Butters rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. Pull-up from the elbow by Zak Butters, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

Snatched his ankles, and Lisa Simpson is still checking whether they are attached. Bonnie Blue goes fishing at the point of attack, the ball handler feels the hand on his elbow, and the arm goes straight up.

Look at the shoulders on the tv host. Everybody has a rough shift at work, but most people do not have twenty thousand witnesses. Twenty-four seconds of standing around, and Zak Butters has to eat the last two of them. Possession wasted long before the shot went up.

The australian rules football player makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. They do not teach that in the president handbook, and yet here we are. Beautiful little exchange. Long miss from the australian rules football player and the rebound goes the other way, but let the record show that most people in that line of work never even get to take that shot.

Halftime whistle. Sophie Rain high-fives her teammates on the way out. Word is Sophie Rain sleeps with her basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. And now, our halftime TV game show Iron Chef Boy-Are-Dee! To win a bowling trophy from a league that never existed, text HOOPS to 555-0192 and answer this question: 'What is the flavor of blue?' Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.

Sophie Rain hands it off to Donald Trump, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. Long and gone. Sophie Rain floats the teardrop over everything and bangs it off the back iron.

Bucket for Detroit Engine-Roar. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Swing, swing, and Bonnie Blue finds Lisa Simpson on the wing before the help can even turn its head. This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, Lisa Simpson gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. Down, up, and gone for Lisa Simpson. The rim is just toying with him now.

Dagger from Detroit Engine-Roar. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Clean feed from Bonnie Blue, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. The president just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! Zak Butters had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Detroit Engine-Roar, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

The australian rules football player just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. Deep. Deeper. GONE. Zak Butters drops it in from a spot the scouting report never even listed.

Dunk so loud the backboard is still ringing when Zak Butters lands. He stares down the front row like they owe him money. A man in a five-thousand-dollar seat drops his drink. Bonnie Blue drags Zak Butters away by the jersey before it becomes an incident.

Detroit Engine-Roar again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Three guys in warmups are halfway onto the floor celebrating what Sophie Rain just did, and an official has to wave them back to their seats.

The coach just drew up the biggest play of the night for the president, a sentence I did not expect to say out loud this evening. That is the third time out of a timeout tonight that Donald Trump has gotten a look this clean. The whiteboard is undefeated.

Sophie Rain walks toward the tunnel without a word. Donald Trump stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. And here is the answer to our game Iron Chef Boy-Are-Dee! Elmer Tunstall of Split Rail, Vermont, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the flavor of blue?' The answer was of course blue, which has been blue since 1968 and nobody has improved on it. Elmer takes home a bowling trophy from a league that never existed! Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

89-131 (L)

The investor just out-jumped a guy half a foot taller for the opening tip. Somebody check the day job again.

Nothing. Again. Lisa Simpson is staring at that rim like it owes him money. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the internet celebrity, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

More second chance points for Miami Heart-Attack, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the tv host, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. OHHHH the pin-down! Sophie Rain pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Donald Trump. Brutal. Onions! Sophie Rain did that with a hand in his face.

Sophie Rain sprints to the sideline, hops onto the scorer's table and raises both fists. The stat crew grabs their laptops and security is already moving. A trainer hauls him down by the shorts before anybody gets fined. Worth it, obviously.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Zak Butters breaks a shell down. The internet celebrity pulls out the crossover of his life, and Monday morning he clocks in like nothing ever happened. Off the back iron for Sophie Rain, that one had all the distance and none of the accuracy, and the board goes the other way.

Rest time. Sophie Rain isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Did you know Sophie Rain started basketball because she was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. And now, our halftime TV game show Guy Reads a Manual! To win a family-size tub of margarine autographed by a stranger, text HOOPS to 555-0345 and answer this question: 'How many people can hear a vending machine at three in the morning?' There they are. The coach must have found the right words.

The australian rules football player makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. GONE down the baseline! Donald Trump beat him on the first step and the paint is collapsing. The bench has cleared, the crowd is screaming, and somewhere a photographer just got the shot of the season thanks to Donald Trump.

Shoving match at the scorer's table, except it is between Lisa Simpson and an assistant coach who both want to hug Donald Trump first. Donald Trump lets them sort it out. The trainer has given up on protecting anybody. Somebody's clipboard is already on the floor.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Miami Heart-Attack with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Court vision like that on the tv host is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. Getting to his spot and elevating, Sophie Rain puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Miami Heart-Attack with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

That was a deliberate technical. The coach hated what happened to Bonnie Blue, he wanted it on the record, and one point is his price.

Turnover, layup, Miami Heart-Attack straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

OHHHH NO. Lisa Simpson pinned it against the glass a half second late and that is goaltending all day.

Cold blooded from Miami Heart-Attack, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Bonnie Blue already has the defense a full step behind. Screen, pop, SPLASH! Sophie Rain kicks it out and that thing never touched iron. Zak Butters rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

OHHHH the tension! Nobody is sitting, nobody is blinking, all of it rides on Bonnie Blue. Freeze it right there: leather glued to the fingers of Bonnie Blue, horn already screaming. No basket.

Lisa Simpson clenches her left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Donald Trump fidgets with his wristband nervously. And here is the answer to our game Guy Reads a Manual! Doris Ann Hoke of Butter Churn, New Hampshire, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many people can hear a vending machine at three in the morning?' The answer was of course everybody in the building, including the ones pretending to sleep. Doris Ann takes home a family-size tub of margarine autographed by a stranger! Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

87-132 (L)

Foul on the three-point shooter, and it is Bonnie Blue. The coach is off the bench with both arms out.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Bonnie Blue threw it before the help even committed. Sophie Rain just took a shoulder to the chest to buy Lisa Simpson half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. A cruel spin-out for the president, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

Orlando Magic-Beans again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Bonnie Blue launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Two defenders collide on the handoff and Bonnie Blue is gone, so Donald Trump earned that one even if the box score disagrees. Drop step, jump hook, bucket! Bonnie Blue is doing it the old way.

Bonnie Blue climbs two rows into the stands and gets swallowed by strangers. He comes back out with somebody's cap on backward and a smear of nacho cheese on his shoulder. Lisa Simpson refuses to touch him. This building has never been happier about anything.

Laser from Sophie Rain, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Zak Butters, and not one single soul could do anything about it. Nobody drew up that arc. The australian rules football player floated one halfway to the rafters, and the rim never even got a say.

Halftime! Zak Butters walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Anecdote: Zak Butters tried to impress the Orlando Magic-Beans players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. And now, our halftime TV game show The Bachelor of Science! To win a ceramic frog wearing tiny sunglasses and nothing else, text HOOPS to 555-0264 and answer this question: 'How tall would a stack of every whistle ever blown be?' The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.

Watch the spacing there, Sophie Rain hits Bonnie Blue right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. Screened, toasted, done. Bonnie Blue is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. That is the shot Bonnie Blue wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

Dagger from Orlando Magic-Beans. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Zak Butters kicks it over to Sophie Rain, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Day job, then this: the internet celebrity reads a rolling big like a coach with twenty years on the bench. Prayer from Lisa Simpson. Not answered.

More second chance points for Orlando Magic-Beans, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Bonnie Blue walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. BAAAANG! Sophie Rain sets the table and the pick-and-pop three goes down like somebody scripted it. Zak Butters went for the deep heat check and produced the loudest silence of the night, roar to OHHHH in half a second.

Turnover, layup, Orlando Magic-Beans straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Zak Butters makes it every single trip down the floor. Lisa Simpson comes off the screen and the big man drops WAY back. Donald Trump just fades to the arc for the cleanest look of the night. Ball into Zak Butters at the elbow, Donald Trump plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. OHHHH that is SILKY! Donald Trump with the teardrop, and it kisses through.

Bucket for Orlando Magic-Beans. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

The bench has completely lost its mind over the tv host! There are lifers in this league who never get a reaction like that. Nobody told the tv host that chasedown blocks are supposed to be above his pay grade.

Inbounds pass and Donald Trump is on him instantly, two hands on the jersey, whistle. The clock freezes at nineteen point four.

Donald Trump stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Zak Butters comes back to get him. And here is the answer to our game The Bachelor of Science! Bonnie Faye Gulick of Windy Gap, Wyoming, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How tall would a stack of every whistle ever blown be?' The answer was of course tall enough to be a problem for airplanes. Bonnie Faye takes home a ceramic frog wearing tiny sunglasses and nothing else! Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

76-116 (L)

The tv host is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. One hard step and Lisa Simpson owns that whole side of the floor, which means the low man has to make a decision he does not want. Catch, rise, splash. The president owns the cleanest jumper on this floor and still has a shift to work in the morning.

Slow walk, no expression. Lisa Simpson backpedals past the Philadelphia Injury-Report huddle close enough to hear what is being said and never turns his head. The crowd noise is a physical object at this point. One of their assistants stands up, and nothing comes of it.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Bonnie Blue spun out of a double team like it was a revolving door! Bonnie Blue beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless.

Bucket for Philadelphia Injury-Report. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Cross court, on a rope, from the tv host. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. The investor just threaded a pocket pass through two defenders. Where exactly did that vision come from? Soft off the fingertips, the ball takes a full lap of the rim on Zak Butters, and spits straight back out. That is theft.

OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! Zak Butters never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! The australian rules football player launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

Into the tunnel. Sophie Rain grabs a banana on the way and devours it. True story: Sophie Rain had her parking spot stolen by Philadelphia Injury-Report's mascot. Still talks about it. And now, our halftime TV game show The Newlywed Regret Game! To win a genuine imitation leather fanny pack, text HOOPS to 555-0155 and answer this question: 'How many potato chips are in a family size bag before the air gets involved?' Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.

More second chance points for Philadelphia Injury-Report, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

No hero ball here: Zak Butters takes what the defense gives and moves it along. Bonnie Blue gives it up to Sophie Rain on the move, the built-in screen erases the chase, and there is a clean runway to the rim. A cut with that timing from the internet celebrity? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. Catch on the block, shoulder into the chest, one dribble, and Sophie Rain finishes over the top. Textbook.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Philadelphia Injury-Report in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Filthy. Absolutely filthy from Bonnie Blue, and the defender knows exactly what just happened to him. REJECTED! Bonnie Blue takes it in and gets it sent straight back into his own chest.

Philadelphia Injury-Report again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

SKIP PASS! Sophie Rain fires it cross court to Lisa Simpson and the defense is dead in the water! Lisa Simpson drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. The internet celebrity hammers a brick off the backboard so hard the rim is still shaking. Nothing in that resume prepared anybody for this.

Working him at the top of the key, low dribble, low dribble, then Bonnie Blue rips it across and his man lunges at a ghost. Somewhere there is a coaching video being edited right now, and the tv host is the star of it. Three steps and a prayer.

Bonnie Blue wraps him up with nobody between the ball and the rim, and the officials do not hesitate for a second.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Philadelphia Injury-Report, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Towels are FLYING for the australian rules football player! Going back to the day job on Monday is going to feel extremely strange after a night like this. NOT A CHANCE! Sophie Rain came flying at that pull-up and DELETED it!

Bonnie Blue pulls her cap down over her eyes. Lisa Simpson doesn't have a cap, and it shows. And here is the answer to our game The Newlywed Regret Game! Loretta Bagwell of Turkey Foot, Georgia, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many potato chips are in a family size bag before the air gets involved?' The answer was of course eleven, and the remainder is atmosphere. Loretta takes home a genuine imitation leather fanny pack! During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

82-113 (L)

More second chance points for Phoenix No-Defense, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Bonnie Blue controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Ice in his veins for a guy who answers to australian rules football player the rest of the week. Professional shot, amateur resume. Oldest play in the book and it still works: Lisa Simpson passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. Nobody expects touch like that from the president, but that floater had more feel than half the starting guards in the league.

Dagger from Phoenix No-Defense. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

You can read it in the body language. Zak Butters has ice in his veins right now, the shot clock does not scare him, nothing does tonight. The australian rules football player hit three straight and immediately decided he was allowed to shoot from the tunnel. He was not.

Hard drive, hard stop, and Zak Butters retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. The australian rules football player just traveled so obviously the referee did not even need a second look. Stick to the day job, my guy.

Break! Lisa Simpson heads straight to the bathroom moment she hits the locker room. Little scoop: Lisa Simpson collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than her first contract. And now, our halftime TV game show Supermarket Sweep the Leg! To win a fifty-five gallon drum of ranch dressing, text HOOPS to 555-0088 and answer this question: 'How many stripes are on a basketball if you also count the ones inside?' Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.

Ball moves. Sophie Rain to Bonnie Blue, on time and on target. No roll this time. Bonnie Blue swings it right back to Lisa Simpson above the break, and it is PURE. Second pass beats the rotation, Lisa Simpson to Donald Trump, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. Off the dribble, a full step behind the logo, straight down. Tomorrow the investor goes back to work, tonight he owns this arena.

Donald Trump does the bit whole team practiced in the hotel: a slow-motion handshake with Bonnie Blue that goes on far too long, sound effects included. Six full seconds. The referee stands there holding the ball. Neither man breaks character.

Bucket for Phoenix No-Defense. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Somebody explain how the tv host reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. Full stop, full sprint, and the president is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. Not a hand on him. Lisa Simpson flat missed the bunny.

A scoreless four minutes and counting. The president is finding out the hard way that this league punishes tired legs. Twenty-four seconds expire with the ball glued to the internet celebrity. Time management is apparently not part of that trade either.

Pass, skip, reversal, pass again. Sophie Rain shifts with every single one of them and the possession ends in a contested fadeaway.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Bonnie Blue has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Donald Trump precisely where the play wanted it. Down screen, and Donald Trump curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. The crowd has found its chant, and Donald Trump is going to be hearing it all night.

Turnover, layup, Phoenix No-Defense straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The tv host just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. Bonnie Blue rises, the big man rises higher, and the shot is stuffed into the second row. Return to sender.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Phoenix No-Defense, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Twenty-four seconds, zero shots. Lisa Simpson holds it, the buzzer sounds, and we give it back without ever testing the rim.

Donald Trump has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Bonnie Blue has aged ten years in forty minutes. And here is the answer to our game Supermarket Sweep the Leg! Junior Pennywhistle of Slab Town, Kentucky, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many stripes are on a basketball if you also count the ones inside?' The answer was of course eight, and the ninth is a private matter. Junior takes home a fifty-five gallon drum of ranch dressing! Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

73-118 (L)

Donald Trump times the leap perfectly, taps it back to the wing, and the first possession of the night belongs to us.

Ejected. Donald Trump is gone. No debate, no discussion, that was reckless.

OHHHH! Donald Trump met him at the summit and sent that thing into the third row. Wide open runway! Donald Trump gets to the rim before the defense even crosses halfcourt!

Donald Trump sprints to the sideline, hops onto the scorer's table and raises both fists. The stat crew grabs their laptops and security is already moving. A trainer hauls him down by the shorts before anybody gets fined. Worth it, obviously.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Bonnie Blue drops it off to Zak Butters on time and on target. The other bench sent their best perimeter stopper out on Zak Butters, and they are learning in real time that it will not be enough tonight. Perfect drop-off from Sophie Rain, and Zak Butters answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

Bucket for Los Angeles Nursing-Home. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

That's a cut. Bonnie Blue stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. They say Bonnie Blue has a ritual where she touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. And now, our halftime TV game show Beat the Shot Clock! To win a rusted horseshoe signed by a man named Dale, text HOOPS to 555-0533 and answer this question: 'What is the boiling point of nacho cheese at concession stand altitude?' Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.

Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, Bonnie Blue and Sophie Rain just played basketball and the defense got shredded. Rising up out of the corner, Bonnie Blue sends it LONG, clanging off the far side and out to the wing.

Turnover, layup, Los Angeles Nursing-Home straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The defender planted his feet, and Bonnie Blue said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. Awful shot by Bonnie Blue with eleven still on the shot clock, off the front rim and out to the wing.

Cold blooded from Los Angeles Nursing-Home, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Bonnie Blue has known that all night long. Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the australian rules football player made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Zak Butters!

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Los Angeles Nursing-Home with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

So close. Bonnie Blue can only stare at the iron. Second-chance points are how you steal games on the road, and Bonnie Blue has now cleaned up four misses tonight. OHHHH, what a read by Bonnie Blue! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. The investor just fired one in from the logo and the roof nearly came off this place. That is in nobody's job description.

That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Zak Butters does. BRICK! Zak Butters throws up a prayer and the iron sends it straight back out to half court!

Dagger from Los Angeles Nursing-Home. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Set called, Zak Butters waved out to the corner, and Bonnie Blue watches the spacing open up like a front door. Here comes the slip from Donald Trump, and Zak Butters reads it a half second before anybody else in the building. Gift wrapped by Sophie Rain, and Donald Trump cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

Bonnie Blue claps her hands in frustration. Lisa Simpson clenches her jaw so hard you can hear it from here. And here is the answer to our game show Beat the Shot Clock! Randall Meeks of Coon Holler Springs, Kentucky, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the boiling point of nacho cheese at concession stand altitude?' The answer was of course that it does not boil, it simply becomes more determined. Randall therefore wins a rusted horseshoe signed by a man named Dale! I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

88-132 (L)

The tv host makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Donald Trump turns the corner off the screen from Lisa Simpson, the help never rotates, and the lane is WIDE open! Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from Lisa Simpson. That little shot is what keeps guards employed in this league, and Lisa Simpson has it on a string tonight.

Dagger from Toronto Border-Patrol. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Somebody explain the arc to the australian rules football player. He gave away three shots on a prayer, and you can watch the coach age in real time. Five fouls on the australian rules football player. One more bump and he goes back to being just a guy with a normal job.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Toronto Border-Patrol, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Sophie Rain times the leap perfectly and swallows that layup whole. Put it on the front page, that is the play of the night. The internet celebrity just threw an outlet that traveled farther than most people commute. Absurd. Lisa Simpson converts on the break again, and that defense has now been beaten down the floor three straight trips. Somebody better call timeout.

Well-deserved break. Zak Butters looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Did you know? Zak Butters has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. And now, our halftime TV game show Church Picnic Wipeout! To win an above-ground pool ladder with no pool attached, text HOOPS to 555-0158 and answer this question: 'How much popcorn is in a large at the concession stand, honestly?' Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.

Bonnie Blue gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Sophie Rain saw it a beat early. That crossover was not about getting a shot up. Bonnie Blue pulled it out to tell everybody in the gym whose possession this is. Textbook footwork, textbook release from Bonnie Blue, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

Bucket for Toronto Border-Patrol. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

The shooter saw Donald Trump rising into his eyeline, rushed the release, and caught nothing but the side of the rim.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Toronto Border-Patrol with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Lisa Simpson stopped the break and started a much bigger problem. Two free throws, the ball right back, and the officials heading to the monitor. Not one hand went for the basketball, just a forearm through the chest of Lisa Simpson. That is the textbook definition of unnecessary contact.

STOP AND GO! Bonnie Blue hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. Rises, releases, and Bonnie Blue sends the ball through the exact patch of sky where the rim is not.

Watch the change of pace from Bonnie Blue, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. Stonewalled at the top of the square! The big man meets Bonnie Blue up there and returns it with interest.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Toronto Border-Patrol in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Over the top of everybody. Sophie Rain to Bonnie Blue in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. SPIN and GO! Bonnie Blue pirouettes right through the traffic and comes out the other side clean! Not close, not warm, not anywhere for Bonnie Blue, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet.

The internet celebrity takes the baseline and bends an entire defense out of shape. Absolutely absurd stuff in this building tonight. Straight back to the office for the internet celebrity, and the group chat has already seen it twice.

Bonnie Blue and Donald Trump walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. And here is the answer to our game Church Picnic Wipeout! Charlene Pigg of Hatchet Handle, North Carolina, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How much popcorn is in a large at the concession stand, honestly?' The answer was of course a medium and a rumor. Charlene takes home an above-ground pool ladder with no pool attached! Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

84-128 (L)

Zak Butters kicks it over to Donald Trump, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Textbook two-man game: Donald Trump keeps the dribble alive, forces the big man to commit, and Zak Butters rolls into an open runway. Down, up, and gone for Zak Butters. The rim is just toying with him now.

Total control. Bonnie Blue has this thing on a string. Full stop, full sprint, and the australian rules football player is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. In, around, and gone. The iron gives Zak Butters nothing.

Bucket for Minnesota Ice-Wall. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Bonnie Blue! OFFENSIVE GLASS! Donald Trump beats three men to the spot! The extra pass! Donald Trump had the look, gave it up anyway, and Bonnie Blue buries it. BANG! The tv host just created that shot from scratch and drained it. Not bad for somebody clocking in at a real job tomorrow morning.

Salute: sharp, military, held. Bonnie Blue delivers it toward the loudest corner of the building and does not drop his hand until the noise starts to hurt. Lisa Simpson snaps to attention beside him and the bench follows. Twelve saluting maniacs and a coach with his head in his hands.

Sophie Rain felt it, the bench felt it, the arena felt it, and the rim felt absolutely nothing.

End of the first half. Sophie Rain is beet red but still standing. True story: Sophie Rain walked into the wrong locker room during her first game against Minnesota Ice-Wall. Awkward. And now, our halftime TV game show The Gong Show Is Broken! To win a fishing rod with no reel and a badly bent tip, text HOOPS to 555-0781 and answer this question: 'How long is one minute during the fourth quarter?' The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.

Dagger from Minnesota Ice-Wall. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Hesitate, GO. Bonnie Blue is by that hip before the man even blinks. Three free throws for the tv host! That is the single most expensive mistake in basketball, and a person with a real day job just engineered it.

Minnesota Ice-Wall again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The tv host just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and Zak Butters gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. That is a forced shot from the investor that was doomed the moment it left the hand, and the bench has quietly decided to look at the floor for a moment.

Turnover, layup, Minnesota Ice-Wall straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Swing, swing, and Sophie Rain finds Zak Butters on the wing before the help can even turn its head. One little shoulder dip from Zak Butters and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. The australian rules football player hammers a brick off the backboard so hard the rim is still shaking. Nothing in that resume prepared anybody for this.

A tv host breaking down a professional defender in front of a sold out house! Remember that day job, folks! Blocked into the floor. Bonnie Blue will be seeing that one in his sleep.

Cold blooded from Minnesota Ice-Wall, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Push the pace! Bonnie Blue grabs it and hits Sophie Rain in stride before the defense can even match up. Watch Zak Butters plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring Sophie Rain out of that corner in a blink. The internet celebrity had that thing halfway down and the rim spat it back out. Nobody ever warns you that the iron has a personality.

HERE IT COMES! Every soul in this gym knows the ball is going to Lisa Simpson, and it may not matter one bit. Zak Butters delivers on the second option, Sophie Rain buries it, and the coach is already walking back to the bench like he knew. He did know.

Lisa Simpson walks head down toward the tunnel. Zak Butters drags his feet behind, shoulders slumped. And here is the answer to our game show The Gong Show Is Broken! Gwendolyn Pyle of Half Moon Gulch, Montana, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How long is one minute during the fourth quarter?' The answer was of course somewhere between four and nineteen minutes, depending on the score. Gwendolyn therefore wins a fishing rod with no reel and a badly bent tip! Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

83-128 (L)

The defender crowded the middle, and Zak Butters punished him along the baseline like it was drawn up in the huddle. Every highlight show in the country runs that clip tonight, and unfortunately for Zak Butters he is on the wrong end of it.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Houston Blast-Off, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Bonnie Blue walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. The investor just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Donald Trump scooped that in from underneath the rim!

Two guys on the exact same page, Sophie Rain and Zak Butters, and the defense is left holding a bag of nothing. The block is clean, the ball is gone, and Sophie Rain is left staring at his empty hands like a man who lost his keys.

Cold blooded from Houston Blast-Off, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

First half is done. Lisa Simpson is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Anecdote: Lisa Simpson slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. And now, our halftime TV game show Press Your Luck, Buddy! To win a metal detector that only ever finds bottle caps, text HOOPS to 555-0451 and answer this question: 'Who was the first person in recorded history to yell defense at a wedding?' The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.

Somebody explain how the tv host reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. The australian rules football player just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. The australian rules football player just dropped a teardrop over a seven footer. Soft hands must run in that trade!

Stone silence for one second, then Zak Butters lets out something that is not really a word, more a sound from the basement of a human being. Donald Trump answers with the same noise. The arena joins in. There is no language left in this building.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Bonnie Blue just gift wrapped three free throws on a heat check.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Houston Blast-Off with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

The zone is set with Lisa Simpson anchoring the middle of it and there is NOWHERE to go! Lazy crosscourt pass, and Zak Butters makes them pay. Clean pick, no whistle, two easy ones before that coach can sit back down.

The tv host just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. Lisa Simpson comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! Buzzer on the shot clock, Lisa Simpson heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

Bucket for Houston Blast-Off. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Cheap. Nothing about that shot was going down, and Sophie Rain handed over three freebies anyway. Sophie Rain slides in late on the drive, the official punches the fourth, and the coach is already waving for a sub.

Houston Blast-Off again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Bonnie Blue chases the referee half the length of the floor and pays for it with a technical. Gone. Bonnie Blue walks off, and honestly he looks relieved to have finally said his piece.

Zak Butters stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on Zak Butters. Cruel.

Bonnie Blue is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Zak Butters waits at the tunnel entrance. And here is the answer to our game Press Your Luck, Buddy! Vergie Cornsilk of Hominy Bend, Arkansas, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'Who was the first person in recorded history to yell defense at a wedding?' The answer was of course an uncle, and he has not been invited back since. Vergie takes home a metal detector that only ever finds bottle caps! I got a text from Bonnie Blue after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

88-133 (L)

The australian rules football player makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. OHHHH the hesi! Lisa Simpson froze him solid and he is already gone! OFF THE IRON and halfway to the bench! Lisa Simpson missed that one with real conviction.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Bonnie Blue just did it by hitting Sophie Rain on the back side with acres of room. Donald Trump eats the contact so Sophie Rain can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. Two defenders, one gap, and Sophie Rain finds it. Onions on that pass. Put him on skates, then put him on a POSTER. Bonnie Blue owns the highlight reel tonight.

Slow walk, no expression. Bonnie Blue backpedals past the Denver Horse-Track huddle close enough to hear what is being said and never turns his head. The crowd noise is a physical object at this point. One of their assistants stands up, and nothing comes of it.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Denver Horse-Track in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Bonnie Blue drops it off to Zak Butters on time and on target. The australian rules football player pops to the arc and buries it, and nobody in this building believes that man clocks in somewhere in the morning. That is the shot Sophie Rain wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

This is the foul that gets your night cut short. Donald Trump has to contest with a high hand and land in his own space. Fourth personal on Donald Trump. The arena groans, the bench goes silent, and the other team just spotted daylight.

Halftime. Lisa Simpson is holding her ribs walking toward the tunnel. Confession: Lisa Simpson tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. And now, our halftime TV game show The Bonus Round of Regret! To win a set of curtains printed with enormous cartoon sheep, text HOOPS to 555-1224 and answer this question: 'What is the distance from the free throw line to a lifetime of regret?' We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.

Personal foul on the tv host. Somewhere a shift is going uncovered and not one soul in this arena cares.

Denver Horse-Track again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Dribble handoff from Bonnie Blue, and the defender gets wiped out on the exchange! DOUBLE DRIBBLE! Zak Butters picked it up, put it back down, and the whistle went off like a smoke alarm.

Bucket for Denver Horse-Track. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Bonnie Blue crosses, crosses back, the defender slides half a step the wrong way and the whole arena lets out the same OHHHH. That is the shot chart lying to you. Bonnie Blue did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Denver Horse-Track with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Shot clock violation! Zak Butters owns the nail, the middle is a no fly zone, and that possession just expired in their hands. Hands like that on the president? Whatever he does all day, by night he is robbing people blind.

More second chance points for Denver Horse-Track, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Bonnie Blue whips that pass one-handed on the move and the roll man gathers it through contact. Filthy. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and Donald Trump is walking back with both hands on his head.

Nine seconds to work with, one play call, and it runs through Lisa Simpson. When the game shrinks like this, you go to your guy. Cut, screen, relocate, and there is Lisa Simpson wide open in the corner. Nobody on that defense read one page of it.

Lisa Simpson hangs on the rim one extra beat, letting the whole arena wait on him, then drops down into a dead-eyed mean mug. Donald Trump shoves him in the chest just to get a reaction. Nothing. Stone face on a man who just changed the game.

Bonnie Blue closes her eyes walking out. Zak Butters keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. And here is the answer to our game show The Bonus Round of Regret! Homer Fussell of Poke Salad Crossing, Rhode Island, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the distance from the free throw line to a lifetime of regret?' The answer was of course fifteen feet, same as it has always been, which is the cruel part. Homer therefore wins a set of curtains printed with enormous cartoon sheep! I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

83-128 (L)

Small thing, a jump ball, but Donald Trump winning that tip means we set the tone. Coaches script that first play for a reason.

A single dribble is all Sophie Rain needed to get downhill, and the back side of that defense is in complete disarray. AROUND the cylinder and OUT! Sophie Rain cannot believe it, and neither can this building.

Bucket for New York Over-Timers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Push the pace! Bonnie Blue grabs it and hits Donald Trump in stride before the defense can even match up. OHHHH no, Donald Trump floats it crosscourt and it gets picked off clean. That thing is going the other way.

Cold blooded from New York Over-Timers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Well-deserved break. Zak Butters looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Confession: Zak Butters calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. And now, our halftime TV game show The Pyramid of Slightly Less Money! To win a novelty mug that says WORLDS SECOND BEST GRANDMA, text HOOPS to 555-0938 and answer this question: 'Which is heavier, a pound of basketballs or a pound of excuses?' Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.

That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Bonnie Blue the moment he crosses half court. Nobody moved, nobody cut, nobody set a screen, so Bonnie Blue launches a contested jumper with the horn already going. Ugly offense.

Ohhh no. Corner three, New York Over-Timers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

There was a clean look available and instead Lisa Simpson drives into three bodies and loses the handle. That is what a cold spell does to a good player. A whole possession dies in the hands of the australian rules football player without a single attempt going up. Back to the day job for a rethink.

Nobody is getting a hand near that. Bonnie Blue has all the room in the world. Bonnie Blue rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Sophie Rain just did it by hitting Bonnie Blue on the back side with acres of room. Off the pin-down comes the tv host with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. Fifth possession this half where Bonnie Blue has been left to bail everybody out with the clock at zero. He cannot keep doing this alone.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. New York Over-Timers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

The investor puts a shoulder into the ball handler and pays for it. He spends all day being polite to strangers and now he is hacking people for a living. The investor is in foul trouble already! Whatever hands-on skills that job teaches, none of them are legal in this league.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for New York Over-Timers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Zak Butters has known that all night long. Baseline spin from Sophie Rain at full speed, and his man never even gets a hand into the picture. Filthy stuff. The internet celebrity just fired one in from the logo and the roof nearly came off this place. That is in nobody's job description.

Golf swing follow-through, perfect form, Sophie Rain tracks the imaginary ball into the upper deck with a hand shading his eyes. Somebody in the front row yells about a hole in one. The referee has now warned this team twice and been ignored twice.

Whole huddle leaning in to hear it, and the plan is to hand the game to the australian rules football player. Genius or madness, we are about to find out. OHHHH that is BEAUTIFUL basketball! Donald Trump finishes the set and the whole bench is up.

Donald Trump rocks an imaginary baby down the sideline, cradling nothing at all and completely serious about it. Zak Butters plays along, tiptoeing beside him and shushing the front row. Half the arena is doing it too. The other half is filming the half that is doing it.

Donald Trump turns back to look at the court one last time. Sophie Rain doesn't turn around. And here is the answer to our game show The Pyramid of Slightly Less Money! Dwight Hufnagel of Bogwater, Maine, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Which is heavier, a pound of basketballs or a pound of excuses?' The answer was of course the excuses, because they come with packaging. Dwight therefore wins a novelty mug that says WORLDS SECOND BEST GRANDMA! During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

85-130 (L)

Ohhh no. Corner three, Cleveland Twin-Towers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

The australian rules football player just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. Three shots for Zak Butters. Worst foul in the sport.

Set called, Lisa Simpson waved out to the corner, and Bonnie Blue watches the spacing open up like a front door. This is the counter: Lisa Simpson punished a defense that kept going under, and now they have to rip up the game plan. Contested, off balance, fading away from the wrong shoulder, that is a shot Bonnie Blue should never take with three teammates standing wide open.

The internet celebrity gets whistled for the swipe. Forty honest hours a week and here he is, picking pockets in front of twenty thousand witnesses. The official flashes five toward the scorer's table and Sophie Rain just stares at the hardwood. He knows what comes next.

Cold blooded from Cleveland Twin-Towers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Halftime. Lisa Simpson glances at her phone for two seconds and puts it back. I've been told Lisa Simpson always puts her left shoe on first. The one day she switched, gave up 40 points. And now, our halftime TV game show The Swap Meet Half Hour! To win a car dealership balloon man with no fan, text HOOPS to 555-1318 and answer this question: 'What is the top speed of a mascot running in oversized shoes?' Break's over, the players take their positions.

OHHHH the separation! Zak Butters just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. Zak Butters fires that thing at the backboard like it owes him money. No chance from the moment it left his hand.

The tv host just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. Straight down the baseline goes the investor! Whatever shift he worked this morning, he clearly left plenty in the tank. Rim out for Donald Trump, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Cleveland Twin-Towers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Bonnie Blue pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, Bonnie Blue fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

The tv host just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! OHHHH, that one died in the air! Bonnie Blue put nothing into it and the front rim eats the floater.

Filthy work on the glass by Lisa Simpson, and he lands with the elbows out daring somebody to reach in. OUTLET! Lisa Simpson rips the board and fires it ahead to Zak Butters before anybody gets back! The australian rules football player just outran an entire defense for the finish, and he clocks in for a shift in the morning. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Cleveland Twin-Towers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Bonnie Blue already has the defense a full step behind. The investor takes the baseline and bends an entire defense out of shape. Absolutely absurd stuff in this building tonight. Perfect arc. Donald Trump makes seven feet of rim protection completely irrelevant.

Bucket for Cleveland Twin-Towers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Watch the spacing, Bonnie Blue drags two bodies toward the ball and Zak Butters is standing alone behind the line. Geometry, not luck. OHHHH! Zak Butters went up looking for a poster and came back down as the punchline.

Bonnie Blue unclasps her chain and squeezes it in her fist. Zak Butters runs a hand down his face. And here is the answer to our game show The Swap Meet Half Hour! Lurleen Ratliff of Sopchoppy Flats, Florida, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the top speed of a mascot running in oversized shoes?' The answer was of course nine miles an hour downhill, four uphill, and zero once the head falls off. Lurleen therefore wins a car dealership balloon man with no fan! During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

87-131 (L)

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Sophie Rain has known that all night long. Left, right, gone. Donald Trump put that defender on skates and never even looked back. So close. Donald Trump can only stare at the iron.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Boston Ring-Chasers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

That is vision. Bonnie Blue sees the pocket open for a tenth of a second and puts the ball in it. Watch the feet on Zak Butters there, still drifting sideways at the release, and that is exactly why the floater sails wide left of everything.

Turnover, layup, Boston Ring-Chasers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The internet celebrity just got left in the dust, and in fairness, that is a professional athlete he was asked to guard. Lisa Simpson got the ball, but he got it on the way down, and they are awarded the two anyway.

That's a wrap for now. Zak Butters dives into the tunnel. Fun fact: Zak Butters was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. And now, our halftime TV game show The Chase But Everyone Is Walking! To win a milk crate full of cassette tapes with no labels, text HOOPS to 555-0853 and answer this question: 'What is the record for most consecutive high fives that missed?' Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Boston Ring-Chasers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Watch the sell from Zak Butters here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. Oh my. Zak Butters did not even draw iron.

Ball moves. Zak Butters to Donald Trump, on time and on target. The investor just ran that two-man game like he has a decade of film on it. Somebody get this man a contract. Rising into two defenders, Lisa Simpson launches a jumper that finds nothing but backboard and bad decisions.

Dagger from Boston Ring-Chasers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The australian rules football player makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Bonnie Blue sets it and slides out instead of rolling, Sophie Rain finds him late, and the defense pays for cheating under the screen. The tv host just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! Soft touch from Bonnie Blue, the floater drops right over the big man. Cash.

Bonnie Blue sets an invisible crown on his own head, adjusts it twice, and carries the thing off like it weighs forty pounds. The Boston Ring-Chasers bench does not find it funny. Donald Trump pounds the crown down with one fist and steers him away before the technical arrives.

A cut with that timing from the australian rules football player? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. Nobody touched him, nobody trapped him, and Zak Butters still coughed it up. Easiest whistle these officials will blow all night.

Unsportsmanlike foul on Lisa Simpson, and this one costs double.

More second chance points for Boston Ring-Chasers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Donald Trump threads a BEAUTY to Bonnie Blue under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no. You want to know why this team keeps winning the possession battle? Bonnie Blue treats every miss like it belongs to him. Kick out to Bonnie Blue, one more to Lisa Simpson, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. OHHHHH FROM THE LOGO! Lisa Simpson pulls up from another area code and it is PURE!

Straight to the logo at center court, Lisa Simpson plants both feet and flexes until the veins show. The bench is a pile of bodies and airborne headbands. An assistant coach has to be physically restrained by a trainer who is also celebrating.

The tv host commits the ugliest foul of the night entirely on purpose, and honestly that is the smartest thing anyone has done all quarter.

Sophie Rain stares at her hands like she doesn't recognize them. Donald Trump exhales. Again. And again. And here is the answer to our game show The Chase But Everyone Is Walking! Otis Wagstaff of Empty Barrel, Nevada, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the record for most consecutive high fives that missed?' The answer was of course forty one, set at a rec league in 1998 and never approached since. Otis therefore wins a milk crate full of cassette tapes with no labels! Tonight I learned Sophie Rain used to be a tv host before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

80-124 (L)

Bucket for San Antonio Skyscrapers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Ball moves. Sophie Rain to Bonnie Blue, on time and on target. Watch the sell from Bonnie Blue here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. AIRBALL! Bonnie Blue missed the rim, the backboard and everything in between!

More second chance points for San Antonio Skyscrapers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Bonnie Blue rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on Bonnie Blue. Cruel.

Turnover, layup, San Antonio Skyscrapers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Halftime whistle! Donald Trump slides down against the hallway wall. Anecdote: Donald Trump fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. And now, our halftime TV game show Lingo but Nobody Speaks! To win a hot tub cover with no hot tub anywhere near it, text HOOPS to 555-0241 and answer this question: 'How many times can you refold a road map before it turns against you?' Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.

Both benches are up, jerseys are getting pulled, and three teammates are dragging Zak Butters toward half court.

Set called, Sophie Rain waved out to the corner, and Bonnie Blue watches the spacing open up like a front door. Lisa Simpson eats the contact so Sophie Rain can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and Sophie Rain is walking back with both hands on his head.

Cold blooded from San Antonio Skyscrapers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

The tv host is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. Whirl, and GONE! Lisa Simpson leaves the defender grabbing at a jersey that stopped being there half a second ago. The president gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here.

Give and go! Bonnie Blue gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! Stepback three from the tv host, ice in his veins. You cannot teach that, and apparently you cannot keep it out of the workforce either.

Ohhh no. Corner three, San Antonio Skyscrapers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Nobody is touching the paint with the investor parked in the middle of it. That is a full time defender doing a part time job, or the other way around. The investor just jumped a passing lane like a ten-year pro and took it the distance. What a league this is!

Zak Butters kicks it over to Bonnie Blue, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Unselfish basketball. Bonnie Blue passes up a good shot and hands Donald Trump a GREAT one. The investor misses absolutely everything, and honestly, the nerve to even attempt that shot deserves something. Not points. But something.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Sophie Rain makes it every single trip down the floor. You could hear the whole building groan, and Lisa Simpson knew it the second the ball left his fingers, already jogging back on defense.

Two decoy screens, a flare to the weak side, then Lisa Simpson coming off the second one. That is the whole thing. BANG! Exactly the play on the clipboard: Donald Trump to Bonnie Blue, catch and rise.

Lisa Simpson lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Donald Trump decides not to comment. And here is the answer to our game Lingo but Nobody Speaks! Clovis Whittenberg of Number Nine Curve, New York, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many times can you refold a road map before it turns against you?' The answer was of course three, after which you simply live with it open. Clovis takes home a hot tub cover with no hot tub anywhere near it! During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

85-130 (L)

Tip goes to the investor, who spends most of the week nowhere near a gym. Explain that one to me.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the internet celebrity, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. Watch the change of pace from Bonnie Blue, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. You can hear that rim ringing from up here, Bonnie Blue has forced three in a row now and the whole offense has stopped moving.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Bonnie Blue makes it every single trip down the floor. Read, screen, delivery, right on the money. A australian rules football player making the right pass every single time, and the league is taking notes. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Lisa Simpson!

More second chance points for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Halftime whistle. Donald Trump spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Anecdote: Donald Trump threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. And now, our halftime TV game show Countdown to Nothing in Particular! To win a jigsaw puzzle with all four corner pieces missing, text HOOPS to 555-1207 and answer this question: 'How many hot dogs does a mascot eat before he stops enjoying it?' Back at it! The players jog toward center court.

Hesitate, GO. Bonnie Blue is by that hip before the man even blinks. That is a shot selection problem, plain and simple. Bonnie Blue drove into three bodies and the help defender was waiting the whole way.

Cross court, on a rope, from the tv host. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Donald Trump sets the pick and DIVES to the cup. Lisa Simpson lays it right on his hands in traffic! Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, Donald Trump goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

The tv host just ran that two-man game like he has a decade of film on it. Somebody get this man a contract. Donald Trump had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

OHHHH the hesi! Bonnie Blue froze him solid and he is already gone! Somebody show the rest of the league what the tv host just did on that block. Footwork straight out of 1987!

Dagger from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Somebody explain how the tv host reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. Dribble alive, patient, patient, and then Donald Trump slips it to Lisa Simpson right in the pocket. Surgical. Count it AND the foul! Lisa Simpson refused to be denied at the rim.

Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Zak Butters does. Clang. Zak Butters wants that one back.

The australian rules football player takes the baseline and bends an entire defense out of shape. Absolutely absurd stuff in this building tonight. Wide open at the top of the key and Zak Butters cannot make it count, the defense secures the board and takes off in transition.

Sophie Rain watches the crowd file out in silence. Donald Trump prefers not to look. And here is the answer to our game show Countdown to Nothing in Particular! Norma Jean Sprinkle of Butterbean Flats, Alaska, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many hot dogs does a mascot eat before he stops enjoying it?' The answer was of course nine, and the tenth one is purely professional. Norma Jean therefore wins a jigsaw puzzle with all four corner pieces missing! My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.