My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇿🇦
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Phoenix No-Defense | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Get comfortable because tonight, we are about to witness something special. I can feel it. It's in the air, it's in the eyes, it's in the low rumble of 20,000 people who know they're about to live through a moment. The franchise about to step onto this court has seen it all, lived it all: legendary triple-doubles, buzzer-beating heartbreaks, 15-point fourth-quarter comebacks, and losses that shatter careers. But they're here, still and always, with that burning desire to tear everything apart. The team with no name, baby! The real reason this building is at capacity? It's him. Kevin Hart. The man. The beast. Standing at 165 cm, and not an ounce of fat, all lean muscle and raw talent. This dude was put on Earth to play basketball, there's no other explanation. Watch him move on the court and it's like watching a predator in the savanna: every movement is calculated, every step is perfect, and when he decides to strike, it's already too late for the defender. Nature built a monster, and we're lucky enough to watch him play tonight. The scary thing is that the more pressure rises, the more he rises with it. Fourth quarter, down by three, the opposing coach screaming, the crowd roaring... And he just shrugs, takes the ball, and nails a step-back three over three defenders draped all over him like it's a Tuesday morning shootaround drill. This is the kind of player you don't just build a team around, you build an era around him. And tonight, that era begins. Moment of truth, folks. You see the guy at the end of the bench, the one who looks completely lost among the giants? That's Guillermo Rodriguez. A television host in civilian life. The kind of guy who handles their TV camera better than a basketball, and who somehow ended up on a professional roster because the coach "had a vision." A vision, ladies and gentlemen. Probably somewhere between his second and third mojito at the All-Star Weekend party. Guillermo Rodriguez has a unique playing style: he runs a lot, understands very little, and has an unfortunate tendency to treat the primetime show and the basketball exact same way. The fans already love him. Not for his stats (he has none) but because every time he steps on the court, it's Christmas morning. Let's talk budget, and by "budget" I mean the spare change you find between the couch cushions. These guys are so far under the salary floor that the league literally has to GIVE them money to meet the minimum. This is the squad that travels by Greyhound bus and washes their own jerseys. No stars, just hungry rookies on two-way deals and bitter vets signed for the minimum. It's the perfect setup for tanking your way to a top Draft pick, but for the fans, it's a damn desert crossing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
79-124 (L)
Guillermo Rodriguez fires up the crowd to open the game! This guy nobody was talking about starting strong!
Guillermo Rodriguez with a wild attempt! This surprise package not finding the range tonight!
John Cena with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost executive producer!
Tacko Fall loses the screen battle! Sometimes predictable game around the picks!
Tacko Fall, this undersized spark plug, waves off the play call! Hot head hurting the team!
The players leave the court. Guillermo Rodriguez clings to the tunnel railing. Did you know? Guillermo Rodriguez has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
Kevin Hart launches an off-balance shot and... Airball! Ego the size of Texas at its peak!
This hooper's hooper Aaron Hernandez calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Limited stamina taking its toll!
Tacko Fall explodes carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Aaron Hernandez, this dude putting the league on notice, with the frustrated foul! Sometimes predictable game in tough moments!
Kevin Hart vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their loaded checkbook reinforced with the risky picture!
Kevin Hart lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Aaron Hernandez decides not to comment. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
87-116 (L)
The court welcomes Guillermo Rodriguez! The television host with the primetime show has arrived!
Guillermo Rodriguez pulls up but it's well off! Defense that's basically a suggestion under fatigue!
Kevin Hart with a wild pass that sails out! This certified bucket giving it away!
Guillermo Rodriguez can't contain the drive! Hosting the primetime show is more containable!
Guillermo Rodriguez catches and shoots,a bank shot! Quick hands from hosting the primetime show!
Break! Kevin Hart heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Confession: Kevin Hart believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Tacko Fall, this newcomer, yells at the coaching staff! Tendency to force bad shots causing friction!
Guillermo Rodriguez just barely misses! Close as a television host getting the primetime show almost right!
This dude putting the league on notice Aaron Hernandez sets the back screen! Eyes in the back of the head off-ball contribution!
Aaron Hernandez launches but the legs won't cooperate! Tendency to rush catching up!
This max-contract guy Kevin Hart congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this max-contract guy.
John Cena scratches the back of his neck nervously. Tacko Fall has the look of someone who has seen things. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
84-123 (L)
Guillermo Rodriguez, this tweener, announced to huge cheers! Palpable tension!
Guillermo Rodriguez rushes a double-clutch layup facing the rim! Tendency to force bad shots creeping in!
Sloppy handling by Kevin Hart! Greenlighting the risky picture is done with more finesse!
Aaron Hernandez bites on the pump fake! This solid pro sent flying off the pick and roll!
John Cena buries their face! Hidden from view, the executive producer can't watch!
Break. Guillermo Rodriguez collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Rumor has it Guillermo Rodriguez talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
John Cena misfires from the right corner! Their production slate calibration needed!
John Cena, this living legend, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
This league veteran Aaron Hernandez loses concentration and the Wilson with it!
John Cena argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to greenlighting the next blockbuster!
Kevin Hart sits alone on the bench. This reliable star processing the defeat.
Guillermo Rodriguez's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. Aaron Hernandez breathes through his nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
85-129 (L)
Guillermo Rodriguez dishes onto the floor! The crowd roars for this raw talent!
Kevin Hart, this franchise guy, comes up empty! An alley-oop off target driving to the hoop!
Tacko Fall throws it into the stands! What was that from this total unknown!
Tacko Fall gets burned on the drive! Injury-prone body in lateral movement!
Guillermo Rodriguez is visibly upset! Upset as a television host when the primetime show goes sideways!
Halftime. Aaron Hernandez throws his towel on the floor walking in. Little scoop: Aaron Hernandez collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
John Cena, this global icon, pulls the trigger from the right corner but no luck!
John Cena, this global icon, is dragging! The contest minutes taking their toll!
Guillermo Rodriguez commits the live-ball turnover! Their TV camera would be ashamed!
This rising star Guillermo Rodriguez can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
John Cena takes the loss hard! Hard as the next blockbuster on a bad executive producer day!
Guillermo Rodriguez collapses into the first available chair. Kevin Hart stays standing, eyes glazed over. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
89-116 (L)
The game begins and Kevin Hart is ready! You can see an unmatched feel for the game written all over his face!
Tacko Fall forces up an alley-oop over the defense! Ego the size of Texas! Bad decision!
This global icon John Cena with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
John Cena loses the battle in the paint! Being an executive producer doesn't help you here!
Kevin Hart goes to work the basketball with silky smooth technique. And it drops! Nothing you can do!
Halftime whistle. Tacko Fall high-fives his teammates on the way out. Anecdote: Tacko Fall once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Kevin Hart storms to the bench! Heated! This film producer doesn't handle losing well!
John Cena heaves and misses! Should have heaved the next blockbuster instead!
Kevin Hart dunks with purpose every possession! This world-class player chess master!
Tacko Fall, this pint-sized baller, laboring up and down! Tendency to rush draining the energy!
Guillermo Rodriguez walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to television host life tomorrow!
Kevin Hart takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. Aaron Hernandez follows the same path. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
91-132 (L)
This total unknown Tacko Fall means business! Fast start in transition!
John Cena rattles it out! Shaking the temple of basketball with their production slate intensity!
Guillermo Rodriguez trips up in the right wing! A television host never trips at work... Right?
Guillermo Rodriguez, this versatile guy, lets the shooter get free along the baseline! Costly lapse!
This max-contract guy Kevin Hart fouls hard out of frustration! Sometimes predictable game showing!
Rest. Aaron Hernandez buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Small detail: Aaron Hernandez whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Kevin Hart, this little thunder, loses the handle and the opportunity! Hot head!
This guy with rings on every finger John Cena can't close out! The legs are shot in the paint!
Stolen from Guillermo Rodriguez! A television host who let it slip through their fingers!
Kevin Hart, this pint-sized baller, sits down hard on the bench! Shaky emotions under pressure written all over his face!
Guillermo Rodriguez looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a television host!
John Cena's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Aaron Hernandez hides his eyes under a towel. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
88-132 (L)
Tip-off! Aaron Hernandez gets us started! Let's go!
Kevin Hart gets blocked! Rejected harder than a film producer's worst day on the job!
Kevin Hart botches the handoff! Even their loaded checkbook exchanges go smoother!
Guillermo Rodriguez gives up the back door! Defense that's basically a suggestion when overplaying!
This total unknown Tacko Fall gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Halftime! Guillermo Rodriguez walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. The staff told me Guillermo Rodriguez sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
Aaron Hernandez attacks the pill into nothing! Defense that's basically a suggestion on full display tonight!
Guillermo Rodriguez is gassed! This newcomer bent over at half court! Tendency to force bad shots catching up!
Aaron Hernandez posts up into a trap! Injury-prone body when reading the defense!
Kevin Hart walks away muttering! Muttering about the risky picture under their breath!
Aaron Hernandez, this hooper's hooper, takes the loss hard. Defense that's basically a suggestion at the wrong moments.
Kevin Hart leaves the court at a jog. Aaron Hernandez stays there, planted at center court, motionless. I learned tonight that Kevin Hart used to be a film producer. That explains the unique running style. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
76-121 (L)
Tacko Fall opens with a double-clutch layup! This unknown gem making an early statement!
Guillermo Rodriguez, this do-it-all player, gets the look but can't convert from the right corner!
Tacko Fall coughs up the damn ball! Lack of consistency strikes again on the low block!
Tacko Fall gets caught flat-footed! This hidden prospect beaten to the spot!
John Cena sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like an executive producer after a long shift!
Halftime. Kevin Hart throws his towel on the floor walking in. Little scoop: Kevin Hart tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
A layup attempt by Kevin Hart falls short! Injury-prone body in the legs!
This player nobody saw coming Guillermo Rodriguez has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
This diamond in the rough Tacko Fall with turnover number buckets! Shaky emotions under pressure is piling up!
Kevin Hart stares in disbelief! The look of a film producer who just lost everything!
Tacko Fall launches to the tunnel in disappointment. This raw talent will learn from this.
Kevin Hart stares at the floor while Aaron Hernandez mutters something inaudible under his breath. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
90-134 (L)
Guillermo Rodriguez stretches center court! Loosening up, the television host is getting ready!
John Cena fires and misses from along the baseline. Should have stuck with the next blockbuster!
John Cena, this versatile guy, gets stripped in transition! Occasional mental lapses exposed!
Aaron Hernandez, this combo guard, gets dunked on under the basket! Poster material!
Kevin Hart gets a technical for complaining! Lack of consistency on full display!
Halftime. Tacko Fall throws his towel on the floor walking in. Exclusive info: Tacko Fall is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
Kevin Hart rattles in and out! The risky picture never teases a film producer like that!
Tacko Fall, this hidden prospect, with the tired turnover! Legs and mind fatigued!
This name that's buzzing Aaron Hernandez forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Aaron Hernandez slams the ball in frustration! Shaky emotions under pressure on full display!
John Cena packs up and heads out! Packing their production slate, unpacking emotions!
Aaron Hernandez snaps at the bench on his way out. Kevin Hart says nothing, but his look says everything. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Aaron Hernandez's name. Forgive me. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
87-131 (L)
And we're underway! Kevin Hart touches the pill first! This world-class player looks eager!
Kevin Hart posts up the Wilson right into the defender's hands! Injury-prone body!
Guillermo Rodriguez throws it away! Lack of consistency under pressure at half court!
John Cena gets posterized! An executive producer framed by their production slate in the worst way!
Kevin Hart throws their hands up! Like a film producer when their loaded checkbook breaks!
Halftime whistle! John Cena slides down against the hallway wall. Confession: John Cena tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
Aaron Hernandez, this smooth operator, bobbles the ball and the chance evaporates off the pick and roll!
Guillermo Rodriguez misses from fatigue! Tired arms from hosting the primetime show all week!
Kevin Hart with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the risky picture!
Kevin Hart slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a film producer hits the workbench!
John Cena tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we greenlights better, like the next blockbuster!'
Tacko Fall bites the inside of his cheek. Kevin Hart pinches the bridge of his nose. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
76-120 (L)
Kevin Hart takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Kevin Hart misfires again! Having the risky picture-shaped night!
Aaron Hernandez, this do-it-all player, commits the travel! Defense that's basically a suggestion in the footwork!
Guillermo Rodriguez gets blown by! Even a television host couldn't stop that!
Guillermo Rodriguez takes off and kicks the stanchion! This who-is-this-guy player losing composure!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! John Cena walks head down toward the tunnel. Fun fact: John Cena got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
Guillermo Rodriguez penetrates but overcooks it! Occasional mental lapses showing up again!
Kevin Hart mops their face! Sweating more than when greenlighting the risky picture!
Kevin Hart throws it out of bounds! Like launching their loaded checkbook into the void!
Tacko Fall glares at the scoreboard! This rising star not happy with the situation!
Despite the loss, Guillermo Rodriguez held their own with the primetime show! The television host fought!
John Cena refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. Tacko Fall watches it and immediately regrets it. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
80-125 (L)
Aaron Hernandez, this hooper's hooper, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Guillermo Rodriguez, this tweener, can't finish on the low block! That one stings!
Tacko Fall with the lazy pass! Heavy feet leading to easy points!
Tacko Fall reacts too late to rotate! Occasional mental lapses on the help side!
Guillermo Rodriguez drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a television host's spirit has limits!
Halftime! Guillermo Rodriguez is limping slightly heading off the court. Anecdote: Guillermo Rodriguez once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Kevin Hart steps back but the shot rims out! Injury-prone body rears its ugly head!
John Cena grabs the shorts! This hall-of-fame lock is running on fumes!
Guillermo Rodriguez gets picked! A television host getting the primetime show stolen in broad daylight!
This guy with a proven track record Aaron Hernandez slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Kevin Hart walks off in silence. This world-class player gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Kevin Hart is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Aaron Hernandez waits at the tunnel entrance. I got a text from Kevin Hart after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
86-130 (L)
Kevin Hart comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the film producer means business!
Aaron Hernandez forces a layup at the buzzer! This player making noise trying too hard!
John Cena throws it away! A pass worse than an executive producer tossing the next blockbuster!
Tacko Fall gets posted up and scored on! This rising star overpowered!
Aaron Hernandez, this swiss-army-knife type, shows negative body language! Tendency to rush creeping in!
Break! Tacko Fall heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Bus driver's confession: Tacko Fall raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Guillermo Rodriguez bobbles and misses! Fumbling the ball like it's a Monday morning!
Kevin Hart is running on fumes! The film producer tank is completely empty!
John Cena loses possession! The next blockbuster never leaves an executive producer's hands like that!
Kevin Hart vents at their teammates! The film producer who vents about the risky picture!
John Cena, this all-around player, trudges off the field house. Lessons to take from this one.
Kevin Hart watches the crowd file out in silence. John Cena prefers not to look. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
84-128 (L)
John Cena sets the tone early! The executive producer came to play tonight!
This player on the come-up Aaron Hernandez shanks a catch-and-shoot triple on the low block! That's uncharacteristic!
Intercepted! John Cena's pass snatched right out of the air! An executive producer would never be that careless!
John Cena, this all-around player, fouls unnecessarily from the right corner! Tendency to rush!
Aaron Hernandez, this hooper's hooper, barks at the teammate! Hot head taking over!
That's a wrap for now. John Cena dives into the tunnel. Fun fact: John Cena is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
Tacko Fall, this hidden prospect, with a contested thunderous slam that misses from the left corner!
Aaron Hernandez short-arms the shot from fatigue! This next-level player has nothing left!
Kevin Hart forces the pass! Forcing their loaded checkbook where it doesn't fit!
Aaron Hernandez, this all-around player, pounds the scorer's table! Sometimes predictable game on full display!
Guillermo Rodriguez shakes hands through the pain! A television host who respects their TV camera and the game!
Kevin Hart unclasps his chain and squeezes it in his fist. Guillermo Rodriguez runs a hand down his face. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
86-131 (L)
Aaron Hernandez goes to work with energy from the opening whistle! This well-respected player locked in!
Tacko Fall, this potential breakout star, sends the ball wide! The touch is off tonight!
John Cena loses the rock! An executive producer would never be this careless!
This solid pro Aaron Hernandez commits the and-one foul! Injury-prone body in positioning!
Kevin Hart mutters to himself walking back! This guy everybody knows fighting inner demons!
Both teams head to the locker room. Kevin Hart wipes his forehead with his jersey. Rumor has it Kevin Hart talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
John Cena, this solid build, gets the look at half court but the lid's on the rim!
Kevin Hart finds a second wind! The film producer engine roars back to life!
This seasoned vet Aaron Hernandez commits the offensive foul! Turnover in the paint!
This player nobody saw coming Guillermo Rodriguez stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
This hooper's hooper Aaron Hernandez tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Kevin Hart's gaze is cold, distant. Aaron Hernandez's gaze is hot, angry. I learned tonight that Kevin Hart used to be a film producer. That explains the unique running style. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Kevin Hart.
Season journal
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