My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇦🇺

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

97-105 (L)

Bucket for Detroit Engine-Roar. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Laser from Myrtle Wilson, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Hesitate, GO. Wilt Chamberlain is by that hip before the man even blinks. Nobody moved, nobody cut, nobody set a screen, so Wilt Chamberlain launches a contested jumper with the horn already going. Ugly offense.

Detroit Engine-Roar again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

OHHHH, what a read by Michael Jordan! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. You can hear that rim ringing from up here, Wilt Chamberlain has forced three in a row now and the whole offense has stopped moving.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Myrtle Wilson just did it by hitting LeBron James on the back side with acres of room. Telegraphed. LeBron James announced that pass three days in advance and the defense RSVP'd.

Halftime. Wilt Chamberlain glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Anecdote: Wilt Chamberlain threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. And now, our halftime TV game show Password Please Try Again! To win an exercise machine holding the same folded laundry since 2009, text HOOPS to 555-0891 and answer this question: 'What do you call the fifth quarter if nobody agrees it happened?' Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.

Back at the shop they have got this review up on every phone with the film producer in the frame, and nobody is getting any work done. Games turn on calls the naked eye could never make, and this one just went the way of Sam Claflin.

Watch the spacing there, Myrtle Wilson hits Wilt Chamberlain right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. Dribble handoff from Wilt Chamberlain, and the defender gets wiped out on the exchange! Off the back iron for Myrtle Wilson, that one had all the distance and none of the accuracy, and the board goes the other way.

Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from Michael Jordan. Fifth possession this half where Michael Jordan has been left to bail everybody out with the clock at zero. He cannot keep doing this alone.

Michael Jordan walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. The beauty of it is that LeBron James never has to set a screen at all, the exchange IS the screen. Nightmare to guard. Soft touch from Wilt Chamberlain, the floater drops right over the big man. Cash.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Detroit Engine-Roar, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Unselfish basketball. Wilt Chamberlain passes up a good shot and hands Michael Jordan a GREAT one. From eight feet Michael Jordan puts way too much on it, and the ball clears the rim entirely.

Careless stuff from Myrtle Wilson. That is a free trip to the line for a steal that was never happening. The best defender on this floor is headed to the bench with four. Myrtle Wilson goes off with his hand still up, insisting he was straight up and down.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Detroit Engine-Roar with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Michael Jordan already has the defense a full step behind. OHHHH the hesi! Wilt Chamberlain froze him solid and he is already gone! HAMMER! Wilt Chamberlain goes right through the trees and throws it DOWN with the foul!

Off comes the headband, launched into the crowd like a rock star, and the fight for it delays the inbound. Wilt Chamberlain watches two adults wrestle in row four. Half the arena is filming that instead of the game. Everybody in here has lost the plot.

LeBron James sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Sam Claflin puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. And here is the answer to our game show Password Please Try Again! Curtis Pruitt of Bent Spoon, Utah, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What do you call the fifth quarter if nobody agrees it happened?' The answer was of course the honor quarter, and the score from it is kept exclusively by uncles. Curtis therefore wins an exercise machine holding the same folded laundry since 2009! As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

116-95 (W)

Both guys crouch, both guys go, and it is Sam Claflin who wins the little argument at center court.

SKIP PASS! Wilt Chamberlain fires it cross court to Myrtle Wilson and the defense is dead in the water! Screened, toasted, done. Myrtle Wilson is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. Myrtle Wilson loses his angle on the baseline and still finds a way to flip it home with the off hand. Bucket!

Stone silence for one second, then Myrtle Wilson lets out something that is not really a word, more a sound from the basement of a human being. Wilt Chamberlain answers with the same noise. The arena joins in. There is no language left in this building.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Michael Jordan breaks a shell down. The defender planted his feet, and LeBron James said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. BAAAANG! LeBron James from the logo, and the entire bench is on its feet losing its mind!

Cold blooded from Miami Heart-Attack, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Standing in the lane like the film producer is waiting on a bus that is never coming. Whistle blows, ball goes the other way.

Halftime! Wilt Chamberlain is limping slightly heading off the court. Confession: Wilt Chamberlain calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. And now, our halftime TV game show Shop Til You Flop! To win a lifetime membership in a book club that owns one book, text HOOPS to 555-0983 and answer this question: 'How many gallons of orange drink are sold at a fairground gym?' Break's over, the players take their positions.

No hero ball here: Michael Jordan takes what the defense gives and moves it along. This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, Wilt Chamberlain gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Wilt Chamberlain!

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Wilt Chamberlain has known that all night long. One hard step and Myrtle Wilson owns that whole side of the floor, which means the low man has to make a decision he does not want. That is another catch and shoot triple for Myrtle Wilson, and you can see the closeouts getting more desperate every single trip.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Wilt Chamberlain threw it before the help even committed. Two guys on the exact same page, Michael Jordan and Sam Claflin, and the defense is left holding a bag of nothing. Sam Claflin threads a BEAUTY to Michael Jordan under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

Watch the change of pace from Michael Jordan, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. Buzzer on the shot clock, Michael Jordan heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

Ball moves. Wilt Chamberlain to Myrtle Wilson, on time and on target. The extra pass! Myrtle Wilson had the look, gave it up anyway, and LeBron James buries it. BANG! OHHHH, LeBron James from WAY downtown off the catch! The defense rotated a half second late and paid full price.

LeBron James hangs on the rim one extra beat, letting the whole arena wait on him, then drops down into a dead-eyed mean mug. Myrtle Wilson shoves him in the chest just to get a reaction. Nothing. Stone face on a man who just changed the game.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Miami Heart-Attack in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Wilt Chamberlain gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Myrtle Wilson saw it a beat early. Wilt Chamberlain turns the corner off the screen from Michael Jordan, the help never rotates, and the lane is WIDE open! Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, Michael Jordan fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

Michael Jordan and Myrtle Wilson act out a movie scene where they reunite in slow motion. The crowd is dying. And here is the answer to our game show Shop Til You Flop! Roberta Yoakum of Cedar Stump, Vermont, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many gallons of orange drink are sold at a fairground gym?' The answer was of course eighty gallons, and only nine people will admit to buying any. Roberta therefore wins a lifetime membership in a book club that owns one book! My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

109-84 (W)

The film producer just out-jumped a guy half a foot taller for the opening tip. Somebody check the day job again.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Michael Jordan makes it every single trip down the floor. Michael Jordan just took a shoulder to the chest to buy LeBron James half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. LeBron James hands it off to Michael Jordan, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. LeBron James gathers on the baseline, absorbs contact from two bodies, and slams it home. That rim is still shaking.

LeBron James climbs two rows into the stands and gets swallowed by strangers. He comes back out with somebody's cap on backward and a smear of nacho cheese on his shoulder. Sam Claflin refuses to touch him. This building has never been happier about anything.

Perfect timing, no contact, no whistle from Sam Claflin, just a clean swat and a stance that dares anybody else to try it.

The player just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! Watch the feet on Sam Claflin there, still drifting sideways at the release, and that is exactly why the floater sails wide left of everything. Nobody put a body on Sam Claflin and he made them pay, tipping it to himself and coming down with two hands in the trees. Up over the box out, and Sam Claflin catches it clean and finishes strong through the contact. Somebody just got posterized.

Sam Claflin pulls the jersey away from his chest and points at the crest, twice, hard, then taps his heart. No smile, no theater. The arena horn keeps going long after it should stop. Somebody up in the rafters is holding a sign about this exact city.

Foul on the three-point shooter, and it is Michael Jordan. The coach is off the bench with both arms out. Fourth personal on Michael Jordan. The arena groans, the bench goes silent, and the other team just spotted daylight.

Rest. Sam Claflin buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Small detail: Sam Claflin wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. And now, our halftime TV game show The Pyramid of Slightly Less Money! To win a novelty mug that says WORLDS SECOND BEST GRANDMA, text HOOPS to 555-0938 and answer this question: 'Which is heavier, a pound of basketballs or a pound of excuses?' The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.

Turnover, layup, Orlando Magic-Beans straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Over the top of everybody. Myrtle Wilson to Michael Jordan in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Michael Jordan drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. The film producer misses absolutely everything, and honestly, the nerve to even attempt that shot deserves something. Not points. But something.

Dagger from Orlando Magic-Beans. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Myrtle Wilson launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, Wilt Chamberlain and LeBron James just played basketball and the defense got shredded. From WAY downtown! Wilt Chamberlain launched that one from the parking lot!

Wilt Chamberlain climbs two rows into the stands and gets swallowed by strangers. He comes back out with somebody's cap on backward and a smear of nacho cheese on his shoulder. Myrtle Wilson refuses to touch him. This building has never been happier about anything.

Total control. Michael Jordan has this thing on a string. LeBron James comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! Third one of these from LeBron James this quarter, third time the arc is wrong. The lane is not open real estate anymore.

Set called, Sam Claflin waved out to the corner, and Michael Jordan watches the spacing open up like a front door. Give and go! Sam Claflin gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! Reverse layup by Sam Claflin, using the rim as a shield the whole way through. A circus act wrapped around textbook footwork.

Give the man credit for the effort, because LeBron James contested that from three feet behind, which is technically a contest. You do not put the other team in the bonus this early. LeBron James has to be smarter than contact that never had a chance at the ball.

Michael Jordan does the floss while LeBron James spins like a top. Wilt Chamberlain just stands there, arms crossed. Cool. And here is the answer to our game show The Pyramid of Slightly Less Money! Dwight Hufnagel of Bogwater, Maine, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Which is heavier, a pound of basketballs or a pound of excuses?' The answer was of course the excuses, because they come with packaging. Dwight therefore wins a novelty mug that says WORLDS SECOND BEST GRANDMA! I got a text from Michael Jordan after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

100-101 (L)

More second chance points for Philadelphia Injury-Report, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Michael Jordan gives it up to LeBron James on the move, the built-in screen erases the chase, and there is a clean runway to the rim. Gift wrapped by Wilt Chamberlain, and LeBron James cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

Michael Jordan kicks it over to Sam Claflin, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. OHHHH that is filthy! Sam Claflin on the handoff and the man guarding it is still fighting over the top. No touch. Wilt Chamberlain left the soft hands in the locker room tonight.

Clean feed from Wilt Chamberlain, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Watch Michael Jordan plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring Sam Claflin out of that corner in a blink. POCKET PASS! Sam Claflin threads it to Michael Jordan between two bodies and the rim is wide open! Nasty finish. Michael Jordan hangs, adjusts in midair, and drops it through.

Pointing up at the family section, Michael Jordan taps his chest twice and holds up a fist. A kid in a replica jersey is crying, and so is his mother. A camera crew finds them in nine seconds flat. Sixty seconds of pure decency on national television.

A single dribble is all Wilt Chamberlain needed to get downhill, and the back side of that defense is in complete disarray. AROUND the cylinder and OUT! Wilt Chamberlain cannot believe it, and neither can this building.

The players disappear into the tunnel. Wilt Chamberlain asks for an ice pack. The staff told me Wilt Chamberlain sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. And now, our halftime TV game show Antiques Roadshow but Everything is Broken! To win an inflatable canoe with a slow but very honest leak, text HOOPS to 555-0116 and answer this question: 'What is the going rate for a rebound in small claims court?' Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.

Nobody is getting a hand near that. Wilt Chamberlain has all the room in the world. Twenty-four seconds of standing around, and Wilt Chamberlain has to eat the last two of them. Possession wasted long before the shot went up.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Philadelphia Injury-Report with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Violation on LeBron James. Ball goes the other way.

Cold blooded from Philadelphia Injury-Report, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Michael Jordan comes off the screen and the big man drops WAY back. LeBron James just fades to the arc for the cleanest look of the night. The crowd has found its chant, and LeBron James is going to be hearing it all night.

Swing, swing, and Myrtle Wilson finds Wilt Chamberlain on the wing before the help can even turn its head. Michael Jordan eats the contact so Wilt Chamberlain can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. Oldest play in the book and it still works: Wilt Chamberlain passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. The bench has cleared, the crowd is screaming, and somewhere a photographer just got the shot of the season thanks to Wilt Chamberlain.

The player makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. No roll this time. Michael Jordan swings it right back to Myrtle Wilson above the break, and it is PURE. Ball into Michael Jordan at the elbow, Myrtle Wilson plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. The player just dropped a teardrop over a seven footer. Soft hands must run in that trade!

Entire arena on its feet for the film producer. Whatever comes next, that man tells this story for the rest of his life. The horn goes off while the ball is still spinning on the iron, and Sam Claflin watches it drop away. Brutal, absolutely brutal.

Sam Claflin has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. LeBron James has aged ten years in forty minutes. And here is the answer to our game Antiques Roadshow but Everything is Broken! Wayne Shropshire of Salt Lick Junction, Maine, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the going rate for a rebound in small claims court?' The answer was of course twelve dollars, or one covered dish. Wayne takes home an inflatable canoe with a slow but very honest leak! During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

97-105 (L)

Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Michael Jordan makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. Not close, not warm, not anywhere for Wilt Chamberlain, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Michael Jordan makes it every single trip down the floor. You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and LeBron James gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. Up goes the shot from Wilt Chamberlain and that is nothing but AIR, and every soul in this building saw it happen.

Michael Jordan gets to his spot in the lane, lifts the runner over the big man, and leaves it a foot short. No dice. Muscled away at the second jump by Wilt Chamberlain, and this offense resets with a fresh shot clock. The whole possession dies right there without Wilt Chamberlain on the offensive glass, and instead it becomes the two easiest points of the quarter.

Bucket for Phoenix No-Defense. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Myrtle Wilson just did it by hitting LeBron James on the back side with acres of room. Here comes the slip from Sam Claflin, and LeBron James reads it a half second before anybody else in the building. So close. Sam Claflin can only stare at the iron.

Break! Wilt Chamberlain grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Fun fact: Wilt Chamberlain failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. And now, our halftime TV game show The Joker Is Wild and Unlicensed! To win a mesh trucker hat that says WORLDS OKAYEST UNCLE, text HOOPS to 555-0584 and answer this question: 'What is the name of the guy who mops the floor between timeouts?' The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Phoenix No-Defense with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Oldest play in the book, and Michael Jordan runs it in his sleep. That drop coverage never had a prayer. That is a dime from Sam Claflin that deserved so much better, and Myrtle Wilson knows it, head down, jogging back before the ball even lands.

A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Wilt Chamberlain pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. That is the shot Wilt Chamberlain wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

More second chance points for Phoenix No-Defense, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Michael Jordan whips that pass one-handed on the move and the roll man gathers it through contact. Filthy. That is the second illegal pick of the night from Wilt Chamberlain, and possessions like that are how you lose a tight one.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Michael Jordan breaks a shell down. Dribble alive, patient, patient, and then Myrtle Wilson slips it to Michael Jordan right in the pocket. Surgical. Michael Jordan blows the wide open layup!

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Phoenix No-Defense, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Five bodies moving as one, Myrtle Wilson barking out every rotation, and there is not a crack anywhere in this thing. Myrtle Wilson tips the pass, hits the floor after it, and comes up out of the pile with possession.

The assistant points at the far corner, the head coach points at Myrtle Wilson, and the other three get told exactly where to stand. That is the third time out of a timeout tonight that Michael Jordan has gotten a look this clean. The whiteboard is undefeated.

Michael Jordan sprints to the sideline, hops onto the scorer's table and raises both fists. The stat crew grabs their laptops and security is already moving. A trainer hauls him down by the shorts before anybody gets fined. Worth it, obviously.

LeBron James stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Michael Jordan comes back to get him. And here is the answer to our game show The Joker Is Wild and Unlicensed! Buford Tanksley of Sour Lake Bottom, Texas, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the name of the guy who mops the floor between timeouts?' The answer was of course that his name is also Gary, which raises further questions. Buford therefore wins a mesh trucker hat that says WORLDS OKAYEST UNCLE! Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

111-105 (W)

Michael Jordan stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. Michael Jordan rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

Dagger from Los Angeles Nursing-Home. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Here is what makes a defense elite: LeBron James does not just block shots, he deletes the whole idea of driving on this team.

Hands up, one stomp, a short speech, and the whistle answers. Technical foul on Michael Jordan, and the bench is stunned.

Second pass beats the rotation, Michael Jordan to LeBron James, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. LeBron James went for the deep heat check and produced the loudest silence of the night, roar to OHHHH in half a second.

The locker room fills up. Wilt Chamberlain has already eaten three oranges. Little secret: Wilt Chamberlain has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. And now, our halftime TV game show Fear Factor Free Throws! To win a truck bed liner for a truck nobody in the family owns, text HOOPS to 555-0952 and answer this question: 'How many miles does a coach pace during a close game?' Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.

Wilt Chamberlain kicks it over to Michael Jordan, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. OHHHH the pin-down! Michael Jordan pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with LeBron James. Brutal. OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! Michael Jordan never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! The help defender had position, leverage, everything but a chance. Michael Jordan rose straight over the top of him, and one.

Michael Jordan does the bit whole team practiced in the hotel: a slow-motion handshake with Sam Claflin that goes on far too long, sound effects included. Six full seconds. The referee stands there holding the ball. Neither man breaks character.

Rising into two defenders, Michael Jordan launches a jumper that finds nothing but backboard and bad decisions. Michael Jordan SKIES for it! Extra life for this offense. OHHHH he went and GOT that! Michael Jordan with the putback jam over two bodies.

Hard drive, hard stop, and Michael Jordan retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Michael Jordan builds the whole thing from nothing. No screen, no help, three points.

Push the pace! Michael Jordan grabs it and hits Myrtle Wilson in stride before the defense can even match up. Myrtle Wilson rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. AIRBALL! Myrtle Wilson missed the rim, the backboard and everything in between!

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Los Angeles Nursing-Home with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Myrtle Wilson has known that all night long. Here comes Myrtle Wilson sprinting off the elbow. LeBron James slides it into his pocket and that chase defender is buried. Somewhere a defender is explaining to his family why the player is going to be on the front page tomorrow morning.

Myrtle Wilson plants himself in front of the Los Angeles Nursing-Home bench, hands on hips, and simply stands there until somebody says something. Somebody says something. Officials arrive at a jog. A teammate hauls him backward by the waist while the arena begs for more.

Bench energy is real currency over a long season, and Sam Claflin just handed his teammates a full bank account. The chasedown is the hardest hustle play in this sport, and LeBron James just made it look routine.

Sam Claflin and LeBron James attempt an elaborate handshake. They miss three times. Myrtle Wilson films the whole thing. And here is the answer to our game show Fear Factor Free Throws! Charlene Bumgarner of Hushpuppy Ridge, New Hampshire, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many miles does a coach pace during a close game?' The answer was of course two point six miles, all of it inside a nine foot box. Charlene therefore wins a truck bed liner for a truck nobody in the family owns! During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

120-87 (W)

Swing, swing, and Myrtle Wilson finds Michael Jordan on the wing before the help can even turn its head. Screen, pop, SPLASH! Michael Jordan kicks it out and that thing never touched iron. OHHHHH FROM THE LOGO! Myrtle Wilson pulls up from another area code and it is PURE!

Pointing up at the family section, Myrtle Wilson taps his chest twice and holds up a fist. A kid in a replica jersey is crying, and so is his mother. A camera crew finds them in nine seconds flat. Sixty seconds of pure decency on national television.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Michael Jordan controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. The film producer pulls out the crossover of his life, and Monday morning he clocks in like nothing ever happened. Catch, rise, splash. The film producer owns the cleanest jumper on this floor and still has a shift to work in the morning.

Sam Claflin slides on his knees down the free throw lane, arms wide, and ends up flat on his back watching his own replay on the video board. He points at himself on the screen. The officials have stopped pretending to have any control here.

Wilt Chamberlain launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. The film producer reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. Sam Claflin backs his man down, feels the contact, spins middle and drops it in over both hands. Fundamentals!

Dunk so loud the backboard is still ringing when Sam Claflin lands. He stares down the front row like they owe him money. A man in a five-thousand-dollar seat drops his drink. LeBron James drags Sam Claflin away by the jersey before it becomes an incident.

SPIN and GO! Wilt Chamberlain pirouettes right through the traffic and comes out the other side clean! Not a hand on him. Wilt Chamberlain flat missed the bunny.

That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Michael Jordan the moment he crosses half court. That is a shot selection problem, plain and simple. Michael Jordan drove into three bodies and the help defender was waiting the whole way.

Into the tunnel. Myrtle Wilson grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Did you know? Myrtle Wilson launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. And now, our halftime TV game show Briefcase Roulette! To win a portable radio that only picks up farm reports, text HOOPS to 555-0561 and answer this question: 'How many towels does a bench player go through during a blowout?' The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Michael Jordan has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Sam Claflin precisely where the play wanted it. Off the pin-down comes the film producer with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. Long and gone. Sam Claflin floats the teardrop over everything and bangs it off the back iron.

More second chance points for Toronto Border-Patrol, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

No hero ball here: Myrtle Wilson takes what the defense gives and moves it along. Kick out to LeBron James, one more to Myrtle Wilson, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. There is no finesse in that, and there does not need to be. Myrtle Wilson simply decided the paint belonged to him.

The player just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. The extra pass! LeBron James had the look, gave it up anyway, and Michael Jordan buries it. BANG! Michael Jordan attacks the baseline, the big man steps up to meet him, and it does not matter one bit. FILTHY.

Bent double with his hands on his knees, Michael Jordan takes one breath, straightens up and points at the coach who drew the play in the huddle. The coach nods once, no smile. LeBron James pounds the man's shoulder anyway. Respect, delivered at maximum volume.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Michael Jordan drops it off to Wilt Chamberlain on time and on target. Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Wilt Chamberlain, and not one single soul could do anything about it. That is what heavy minutes do, Wilt Chamberlain has run all night and the legs have nothing left to give the jumper.

Handoff, turn the corner, BUCKET! Michael Jordan did all the dirty work on that one. Pull-up from the elbow by Sam Claflin, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

Myrtle Wilson hugs the mascot. LeBron James hugs the referee. Awkward. And here is the answer to our game show Briefcase Roulette! Ardith Sprague of Chicken Wing, Illinois, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many towels does a bench player go through during a blowout?' The answer was of course nine, and one of them is purely decorative. Ardith therefore wins a portable radio that only picks up farm reports! I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

102-105 (L)

Won it clean! LeBron James got up and over him with room to spare.

Watch the sell from Wilt Chamberlain here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. Wilt Chamberlain attacks the paint, absorbs the bump, twists his body all the way around the defender and reverses it in. FILTHY.

The other bench sent their best perimeter stopper out on Wilt Chamberlain, and they are learning in real time that it will not be enough tonight. That little shot is what keeps guards employed in this league, and Wilt Chamberlain has it on a string tonight.

Pointing up at the family section, Wilt Chamberlain taps his chest twice and holds up a fist. A kid in a replica jersey is crying, and so is his mother. A camera crew finds them in nine seconds flat. Sixty seconds of pure decency on national television.

More second chance points for Minnesota Ice-Wall, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

That is vision. Wilt Chamberlain sees the pocket open for a tenth of a second and puts the ball in it. You can hear this arena react a half second before the ball even goes through, and that tells you everything about LeBron James.

Break! Myrtle Wilson takes her jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Fun fact: Myrtle Wilson was voted best-looking player on the team. By her mom. In a poll she created herself. And now, our halftime TV game show The Big Spin Cycle! To win a toaster that only toasts one side of the bread, text HOOPS to 555-1057 and answer this question: 'What is the resale value of a game worn wristband?' The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.

Push the pace! Michael Jordan grabs it and hits LeBron James in stride before the defense can even match up. Down screen, and LeBron James curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. The big man never even contested it, and LeBron James still could not get the runner to drop. That one is on him.

OHHHH the bench is GONE! Towels over heads, bodies off the chairs, all because of LeBron James! That is ninety-four feet of pure effort from Sam Claflin, and that is the play a locker room remembers in April.

Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Michael Jordan makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. Textbook footwork, textbook release from Wilt Chamberlain, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Minnesota Ice-Wall in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Hand check on Sam Claflin. That is a foul in this league every single time.

Bucket for Minnesota Ice-Wall. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

GONE down the baseline! Wilt Chamberlain beat him on the first step and the paint is collapsing. BANG is what Wilt Chamberlain was hearing in his head. Clang is what this building actually got.

Look at that bench, not one man seated. Sam Claflin had this moment circled since the walkthrough, and the shot has not even gone up. It caught the front rim, kissed the back iron, took a full lap and fell off. Sam Claflin is on his knees at half court.

Sam Claflin takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. Myrtle Wilson follows the same path. And here is the answer to our game show The Big Spin Cycle! Virgil Stanback of Buzzard Roost Landing, North Dakota, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the resale value of a game worn wristband?' The answer was of course two dollars and a firm handshake. Virgil therefore wins a toaster that only toasts one side of the bread! Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

105-115 (L)

Tip is UP and LeBron James gets there first! We are underway and it is our ball.

Wilt Chamberlain gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Michael Jordan saw it a beat early. Two defenders collide on the handoff and LeBron James is gone, so Wilt Chamberlain earned that one even if the box score disagrees. Down, up, and gone for LeBron James. The rim is just toying with him now.

Dagger from Houston Blast-Off. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, Michael Jordan and Myrtle Wilson just played basketball and the defense got shredded. Michael Jordan probes to the right, pulls the string, and rises over a helpless closeout from twenty six feet. Splash.

Michael Jordan sprints to the sideline, hops onto the scorer's table and raises both fists. The stat crew grabs their laptops and security is already moving. A trainer hauls him down by the shorts before anybody gets fined. Worth it, obviously.

Michael Jordan stopped the break and started a much bigger problem. Two free throws, the ball right back, and the officials heading to the monitor. FLAGRANT ONE! The defender wipes out Michael Jordan in midair and that is nowhere near a basketball play.

Well-deserved break. LeBron James looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Physio's confession: LeBron James purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. And now, our halftime TV game show The Newlywed Timeout! To win a family size bag of off brand cheese puffs, text HOOPS to 555-0472 and answer this question: 'How far away can a scoreboard buzzer be heard by a dog?' Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.

Wilt Chamberlain felt it, the bench felt it, the arena felt it, and the rim felt absolutely nothing.

Houston Blast-Off again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Look how low Wilt Chamberlain keeps that shoulder on the drive, that is how you turn a sliver of space into a walk to the rim. Perfect drop-off from LeBron James, and Wilt Chamberlain answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

Turnover, layup, Houston Blast-Off straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Unselfish basketball. Wilt Chamberlain passes up a good shot and hands Michael Jordan a GREAT one. Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, Michael Jordan goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard.

Wilt Chamberlain sets the pick and DIVES to the cup. Michael Jordan lays it right on his hands in traffic! BRICK! Wilt Chamberlain throws up a prayer and the iron sends it straight back out to half court!

Cold blooded from Houston Blast-Off, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Michael Jordan drops it off to LeBron James on time and on target. LeBron James splits the coverage with a bounce pass you need slow motion to appreciate. Dimes. The defender fronted him, so Wilt Chamberlain sealed, waited for the entry and went to work. Patient, mean, effective.

Pointing up at the family section, Wilt Chamberlain taps his chest twice and holds up a fist. A kid in a replica jersey is crying, and so is his mother. A camera crew finds them in nine seconds flat. Sixty seconds of pure decency on national television.

That is a clean blow-by on Michael Jordan, and the help defense was nowhere in the same area code.

Wilt Chamberlain kicks his towel across the floor. LeBron James has already left for the locker room, alone. And here is the answer to our game show The Newlywed Timeout! Dewey Spillman of Frostbite Flats, Minnesota, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How far away can a scoreboard buzzer be heard by a dog?' The answer was of course three and a half miles, and the dog does not care for it. Dewey therefore wins a family size bag of off brand cheese puffs! I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

120-103 (W)

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Denver Horse-Track with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Set called, Myrtle Wilson waved out to the corner, and Michael Jordan watches the spacing open up like a front door. STOP AND GO! Myrtle Wilson hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. Jab, jab, STEPBACK. Myrtle Wilson snatched his ankles and let it go clean.

Give and go! Michael Jordan gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! Rising up out of the corner, Michael Jordan sends it LONG, clanging off the far side and out to the wing.

Total control. Michael Jordan has this thing on a string. A cut with that timing from the film producer? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. Get that one framed. Sam Claflin took off from the block and the defender is still lying on the floor.

Wiping imaginary dust off both shoulders, Sam Claflin strolls back on defense at the speed of a man walking his dog. Myrtle Wilson carries the bit further and mimes brushing off his shoes. The bench is on the floor. The head coach is not laughing, but only barely.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Michael Jordan has known that all night long. They do not teach that in the film producer handbook, and yet here we are. Beautiful little exchange. Getting to his spot and elevating, LeBron James puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

Break! Sam Claflin takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Physio's confession: Sam Claflin purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. And now, our halftime TV game show The Gong Show Kazoo Edition! To win a jug of homemade hot sauce labeled only with a warning, text HOOPS to 555-0129 and answer this question: 'What is the correct way to pronounce the name on a jersey that nobody can read?' We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.

Beaten on the glass again, and Sam Claflin needs help down there.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Denver Horse-Track, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Here is the danger of a hot night: Michael Jordan stops taking the shots that got him going and starts taking the ones that cool him off.

Wilt Chamberlain kicks it over to Michael Jordan, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Michael Jordan holds it, waits, waits some more, then lets it go at the last possible instant to Sam Claflin flying by. That is a half-second window and he threads it. Long miss from the film producer and the rebound goes the other way, but let the record show that most people in that line of work never even get to take that shot.

OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! Michael Jordan never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! Oh, that is rough. Michael Jordan killed his own dribble and then started a brand new one.

Michael Jordan rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT! The film producer outworked everybody on the glass! Effort does not care what is printed on your business card. Miss, tip, bucket. Sam Claflin makes his living in the wreckage.

Timeout. Tablet out. And every line the coach draws starts with Sam Claflin. LeBron James delivers on the second option, Sam Claflin buries it, and the coach is already walking back to the bench like he knew. He did know.

Slow walk, no expression. Sam Claflin backpedals past the Denver Horse-Track huddle close enough to hear what is being said and never turns his head. The crowd noise is a physical object at this point. One of their assistants stands up, and nothing comes of it.

Wilt Chamberlain does the floss while Myrtle Wilson spins like a top. LeBron James just stands there, arms crossed. Cool. And here is the answer to our game The Gong Show Kazoo Edition! Homer Blevins of Lost Wallet, Massachusetts, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the correct way to pronounce the name on a jersey that nobody can read?' The answer was of course however the grandmother in row four says it. Homer takes home a jug of homemade hot sauce labeled only with a warning! Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Wilt Chamberlain's name. Forgive me. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

100-122 (L)

Michael Jordan launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. The player just threaded a pocket pass through two defenders. Where exactly did that vision come from? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and Wilt Chamberlain is walking back with both hands on his head.

This is the counter: Michael Jordan punished a defense that kept going under, and now they have to rip up the game plan. Oh my. Wilt Chamberlain did not even draw iron.

The big rolls, the defense collapses, and Myrtle Wilson punishes it with a read most guys never even see. Whistle! Sam Claflin got hacked on the way up. Two shots coming. Two for two from the film producer, calm as a Tuesday afternoon. Whatever that job involves all day, it clearly builds very steady hands.

One little shoulder dip from Wilt Chamberlain and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. Wilt Chamberlain probes the lane, cups the ball with two hands, then bounces it again. That is the violation they fix in third grade.

New York Over-Timers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Halftime. Sam Claflin glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Did you know Sam Claflin keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. And now, our halftime TV game show Wipeout the Rec League Edition! To win a weather vane pointing a direction wind has never once gone, text HOOPS to 555-0914 and answer this question: 'How many bleacher splinters are removed nationwide every Tuesday?' Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Wilt Chamberlain breaks a shell down. Screen, hesitation, delivery, Sam Claflin drops it off perfectly for Myrtle Wilson diving to the rim. Two points left on the floor by Myrtle Wilson, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. New York Over-Timers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Michael Jordan walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. Beautiful footwork on that one from Wilt Chamberlain, the pivot foot never budges, which is precisely why the whistle stays in the pocket. Rises, releases, and Wilt Chamberlain sends the ball through the exact patch of sky where the rim is not.

Michael Jordan gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Myrtle Wilson saw it a beat early. Screen, roll, DELIVERY from Michael Jordan! Nothing but runway to the rim! Oldest play in the book and it still works: Wilt Chamberlain passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. Watch the footwork from Wilt Chamberlain: one-two into the paint, no charge, feathery touch off the glass. Filthy craft.

Wilt Chamberlain sets an invisible crown on his own head, adjusts it twice, and carries the thing off like it weighs forty pounds. The New York Over-Timers bench does not find it funny. Myrtle Wilson pounds the crown down with one fist and steers him away before the technical arrives.

Cold blooded from New York Over-Timers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

No hero ball here: Michael Jordan takes what the defense gives and moves it along. Off the pin-down comes the player with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. Not close, not warm, not anywhere for Myrtle Wilson, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet.

Bucket for New York Over-Timers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Textbook two-man game: Michael Jordan keeps the dribble alive, forces the big man to commit, and Sam Claflin rolls into an open runway. The film producer had two points in the bank and the iron took them right back out. You do not get heartbreak like that in the day job.

Whistles. Monitor. And LeBron James standing frozen at midcourt. The building went up, the building came right back down, and LeBron James is staring at a scoreboard that never moved.

Michael Jordan lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Wilt Chamberlain holds his in. And here is the answer to our game show Wipeout the Rec League Edition! Lavonne Stackhouse of Grease Rag Creek, Delaware, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many bleacher splinters are removed nationwide every Tuesday?' The answer was of course six hundred and twelve, and most of them in the Midwest. Lavonne therefore wins a weather vane pointing a direction wind has never once gone! I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

95-116 (L)

Personal foul on the film producer. Somewhere a shift is going uncovered and not one soul in this arena cares.

Cold blooded from Cleveland Twin-Towers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Wilt Chamberlain breaks a shell down. Off the pin-down comes the film producer with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. Day job, then this: the film producer reads a rolling big like a coach with twenty years on the bench. OHHHH what a FINISH from Myrtle Wilson! Hanging, hanging, and laying it high off the glass on the way down!

Shimmy from the corner all the way to half court, shoulders loose, chin high. Myrtle Wilson is in no hurry whatsoever. The home bench tries to copy it and produces something closer to a seizure. The building decides it loves both versions equally.

Cleveland Twin-Towers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

OHHHH, what a read by Myrtle Wilson! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. Not close, not warm, not anywhere for LeBron James, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet.

That's a wrap for now. Sam Claflin dives into the tunnel. Anecdote: Sam Claflin threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. And now, our halftime TV game show Truth or Consequences of Turnovers! To win a doorbell that plays eleven seconds of a song nobody requested, text HOOPS to 555-0644 and answer this question: 'How many turnovers does it take to fill a standard laundry hamper?' The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Cleveland Twin-Towers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Over the top of everybody. Michael Jordan to Wilt Chamberlain in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. The extra pass! Wilt Chamberlain had the look, gave it up anyway, and Myrtle Wilson buries it. BANG! OFF THE IRON and halfway to the bench! Myrtle Wilson missed that one with real conviction.

They have to shoot over the top of this thing, and the top of it is a long way up. Filthy work from Wilt Chamberlain.

OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! Myrtle Wilson never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! OHHHH, the cylinder rejects the player! Somewhere a whole workplace just yelled at a television.

Filthy. Absolutely filthy from Wilt Chamberlain, and the defender knows exactly what just happened to him. Ambition, ten out of ten. Footwork, two out of ten. Wilt Chamberlain beat himself before the defender ever showed up.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Cleveland Twin-Towers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

OHHHH the pocket pass! Michael Jordan splits the coverage and the roll man is loose under the basket! Not a hand on him. Myrtle Wilson flat missed the bunny.

Michael Jordan walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, Wilt Chamberlain gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. Wilt Chamberlain had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

Watch how they bury LeBron James in the corner on the inbound. Nothing happens until he moves, and by then the defense is beaten. Coach spent a timeout on a play for the player and it worked to the inch. That is trust you do not fake.

The too-small gesture, aimed straight at the Cleveland Twin-Towers bench, both hands measuring an inch of air. Their coach is out of his chair and onto the officials. Myrtle Wilson keeps the pose, unblinking, backpedaling all the way. The arena hits a decibel level that clips the broadcast mics.

Sam Claflin rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Myrtle Wilson picks up her own and folds it carefully. And here is the answer to our game show Truth or Consequences of Turnovers! Lorene Kirkpatrick of Broken Hoop, New Mexico, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many turnovers does it take to fill a standard laundry hamper?' The answer was of course nineteen, or four if they are the really big ones. Lorene therefore wins a doorbell that plays eleven seconds of a song nobody requested! I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

97-104 (L)

Tip goes to the film producer, who spends most of the week nowhere near a gym. Explain that one to me.

Dagger from Boston Ring-Chasers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

NOT A CHANCE! Sam Claflin came flying at that pull-up and DELETED it! Rebound to fast break in one motion, courtesy of the film producer. That is not a hobby, that is a skill set. The player just spun through two defenders and reversed that in. Nothing about this is a normal Tuesday!

Salute: sharp, military, held. Myrtle Wilson delivers it toward the loudest corner of the building and does not drop his hand until the noise starts to hurt. Sam Claflin snaps to attention beside him and the bench follows. Twelve saluting maniacs and a coach with his head in his hands.

Moving screen on the film producer. The rule book is weeping and the coach is already up off the bench.

Turnover, layup, Boston Ring-Chasers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Intermission. LeBron James dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Exclusive info: LeBron James is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. And now, our halftime TV game show Legends of the Hidden Thermostat! To win a snow globe of a town that has never once had snow, text HOOPS to 555-0247 and answer this question: 'Which came first, the tailgate or the truck?' We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.

Left, right, gone. Wilt Chamberlain put that defender on skates and never even looked back. Wilt Chamberlain rises, the big man rises higher, and the shot is stuffed into the second row. Return to sender.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Boston Ring-Chasers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

SKIP PASS! Wilt Chamberlain fires it cross court to Sam Claflin and the defense is dead in the water! The film producer pops to the arc and buries it, and nobody in this building believes that man clocks in somewhere in the morning. The extra pass! Michael Jordan had the look, gave it up anyway, and Wilt Chamberlain buries it. BANG! Two defenders in the lane, Wilt Chamberlain splits them, double clutches and kisses it off the square. Count it!

You want basketball IQ? Ask the player, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. Oldest play in the book, and LeBron James runs it in his sleep. That drop coverage never had a prayer. Down, up, and gone for Michael Jordan. The rim is just toying with him now.

Boston Ring-Chasers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Two defenders, one gap, and Michael Jordan finds it. Onions on that pass. Two hands on the ball, then a fresh bounce. Somewhere a youth coach is watching the film producer and quietly turning off the TV.

Not an inch to spare on the endline, but Myrtle Wilson keeps both feet in bounds and the help gets there a beat too late. Perfect drop-off from Michael Jordan, and Myrtle Wilson answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

Watch the spacing, Michael Jordan drags two bodies toward the ball and Myrtle Wilson is standing alone behind the line. Geometry, not luck. Oh my. Myrtle Wilson did not even draw iron.

You can read it right off the scoreboard: not one point since the last stoppage, and LeBron James is pressing badly now. The player launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

LeBron James's eyes are red, jaw tight. Myrtle Wilson apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. And here is the answer to our game Legends of the Hidden Thermostat! Duane Grubbs of Sour Lake Flats, Louisiana, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'Which came first, the tailgate or the truck?' The answer was of course the tailgate, and it waited nineteen years. Duane takes home a snow globe of a town that has never once had snow! During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

83-114 (L)

LeBron James times the leap perfectly, taps it back to the wing, and the first possession of the night belongs to us.

Laser from Michael Jordan, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. The player just handed that one straight to the other team. Hey, nobody is perfect at two jobs at once.

More second chance points for San Antonio Skyscrapers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Arm across the body, whistle, dead ball. Reach on Michael Jordan. No argument at all. Michael Jordan claps once, hands the ball to the official and heads for the chair. Four fouls, night on pause.

Cold blooded from San Antonio Skyscrapers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Buzzer sounds, halftime! Wilt Chamberlain walks head down toward the tunnel. Little secret: Wilt Chamberlain listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. And now, our halftime TV game show Win Lose or Draw a Foul! To win a decorative plate commemorating the wedding of two strangers, text HOOPS to 555-0759 and answer this question: 'What is the exact temperature of a gym with one working fan?' The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Michael Jordan breaks a shell down. Give and go! Myrtle Wilson gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! Somebody check that job title again: the player hanging in the air like the paint owes him rent, and finishing anyway.

Three fingers up, walking backward the length of the floor, Myrtle Wilson never once looks at the basket he just drained. The bench mob is off the seats, towels overhead, security waving them back down. Nobody sits. Nobody in here is going to sit again tonight.

Watch the spacing there, Wilt Chamberlain hits Sam Claflin right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. The film producer just threaded a pocket pass through two defenders. Where exactly did that vision come from? Prayer from Michael Jordan. Not answered.

Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, Wilt Chamberlain and LeBron James just played basketball and the defense got shredded. That is the shot chart lying to you. Wilt Chamberlain did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

Wilt Chamberlain kicks it over to Sam Claflin, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Wilt Chamberlain just took a shoulder to the chest to buy Sam Claflin half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. Sam Claflin rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

San Antonio Skyscrapers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Total control. Michael Jordan has this thing on a string. That is the third live-ball giveaway of the half, and each one has been the same read: Sam Claflin deciding late and throwing early.

Ohhh no. Corner three, San Antonio Skyscrapers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Michael Jordan controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Right through the window. Myrtle Wilson to LeBron James on the roll, and the help was a half step late. Contested, off balance, fading away from the wrong shoulder, that is a shot LeBron James should never take with three teammates standing wide open.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. San Antonio Skyscrapers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

POCKET PASS! Michael Jordan threads it to Wilt Chamberlain between two bodies and the rim is wide open! That is a dime from LeBron James that deserved so much better, and Wilt Chamberlain knows it, head down, jogging back before the ball even lands. OFFENSIVE GLASS! LeBron James beats three men to the spot! LeBron James crashes the glass, snatches that miss out of the air and hammers it home. Onions!

Shoving match at the scorer's table, except it is between Sam Claflin and an assistant coach who both want to hug LeBron James first. LeBron James lets them sort it out. The trainer has given up on protecting anybody. Somebody's clipboard is already on the floor.

LeBron James mutters while walking out. Sam Claflin watches from the corner of his eye, worried. And here is the answer to our game show Win Lose or Draw a Foul! Elmer Sizemore of Wet Sock, Louisiana, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the exact temperature of a gym with one working fan?' The answer was of course ninety four degrees near the fan and ninety six everywhere else. Elmer therefore wins a decorative plate commemorating the wedding of two strangers! I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

94-124 (L)

Dagger from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Michael Jordan the moment he crosses half court. Getting to his spot and elevating, Michael Jordan puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

Michael Jordan rides the ball handler all the way up the floor and finally puts a forearm in his back. Officials blow it dead. Michael Jordan is on a tightrope now, and every single piece of contact from here could be the last one he is allowed.

Swing, swing, and Myrtle Wilson finds Michael Jordan on the wing before the help can even turn its head. That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Michael Jordan does. No good. Michael Jordan rushed that one.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Heading in. Sam Claflin's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. They say Sam Claflin eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. And now, our halftime TV game show The Bonus Round of Regret! To win a set of curtains printed with enormous cartoon sheep, text HOOPS to 555-1224 and answer this question: 'What is the distance from the free throw line to a lifetime of regret?' Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.

Michael Jordan walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the film producer made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. A cruel spin-out for the film producer, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Michael Jordan launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. OHHHH the separation! Wilt Chamberlain just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. That is body control you simply cannot coach: Wilt Chamberlain stays up a full beat longer than everybody else and finishes clean.

Clang. Myrtle Wilson wants that one back. You want to know why this team keeps winning the possession battle? Wilt Chamberlain treats every miss like it belongs to him. Kick out to Wilt Chamberlain, one more to Myrtle Wilson, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. The player spots up in the corner and drills it like it is nothing. Somewhere a shooting coach is crying tears of joy.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Michael Jordan pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. The crowd has found its chant, and Michael Jordan is going to be hearing it all night.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Myrtle Wilson breaks a shell down. Screened, toasted, done. Michael Jordan is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Michael Jordan!

The help defender committed way too early, and Wilt Chamberlain made him pay for it with a spin they will be replaying all week. Gift wrapped by Sam Claflin, and Wilt Chamberlain cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

This is the part of the league nobody loves and everybody watches: Wilt Chamberlain waits with both hands on top of his head. Freeze it right there: leather glued to the fingers of Wilt Chamberlain, horn already screaming. No basket.

Sam Claflin refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. Michael Jordan watches it and immediately regrets it. And here is the answer to our game show The Bonus Round of Regret! Homer Fussell of Poke Salad Crossing, Rhode Island, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the distance from the free throw line to a lifetime of regret?' The answer was of course fifteen feet, same as it has always been, which is the cruel part. Homer therefore wins a set of curtains printed with enormous cartoon sheep! Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.