My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇦🇺
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 3 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 4 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Houston Blast-Off | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 1 | 14 | 2 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Buckle up, pull your visor down, and clench everything you've got because tonight we are NOT talking about some pickup game at the park. Hell no. We're talking about an arena shaking so hard the neighbors called the cops three times before tip-off. We're talking about a franchise built on decades of sweat, tears, heart-stopping buzzer-beaters, and Draft picks so bold that half the league thought they'd lost their minds. And yet, here they are, back and hungrier than ever. The team with no name, baby! The real reason this building is at capacity? It's him. Superman. The man. The beast. The man is massive, and not an ounce of fat, all lean muscle and raw talent. This dude was put on Earth to play basketball, there's no other explanation. Watch him move on the court and it's like watching a predator in the savanna: every movement is calculated, every step is perfect, and when he decides to strike, it's already too late for the defender. Nature built a monster, and we're lucky enough to watch him play tonight. The scary thing is that the more pressure rises, the more he rises with it. Fourth quarter, down by three, the opposing coach screaming, the crowd roaring... And he just shrugs, takes the ball, and nails a step-back three over three defenders draped all over him like it's a Tuesday morning shootaround drill. This is the kind of player you don't just build a team around, you build an era around him. And tonight, that era begins. Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed King Kong, his brother-in-law and an amateur by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying bare hands and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if King Kong can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for the game to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench. Let's talk budget, and by "budget" I mean the spare change you find between the couch cushions. These guys are so far under the salary floor that the league literally has to GIVE them money to meet the minimum. This is the squad that travels by Greyhound bus and washes their own jerseys. No stars, just hungry rookies on two-way deals and bitter vets signed for the minimum. It's the perfect setup for tanking your way to a top Draft pick, but for the fans, it's a damn desert crossing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
87-132 (L)
Barack Obama checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Superman, this tweener, loses the handle and the opportunity! Lack of consistency!
Barack Obama, this tweener, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted facing the rim!
Superman gets blown by! Even a superhero couldn't stop that!
Kim Jong-un walks away muttering! Muttering about the public policy under their breath!
The locker room. Superman sprawls out full-length on the bench. Anecdote: Superman once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
King Kong spins the ball but it won't fall! Cold streak continues!
This global icon Superman has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
Kim Jong-un forces the pass! Forcing their campaign podium where it doesn't fit!
Superman can't hide the frustration! Their bare hands frustration meets the leather frustration!
Superman shakes hands through the pain! A superhero who respects their bare hands and the game!
Superman snaps at the bench on his way out. Kim Jong-un says nothing, but his look says everything. Tonight I learned Superman used to be a superhero before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
87-129 (L)
Superman looks dialed in from the start! Next-level basketball IQ preparation showing!
Kim Jong-un, this hall-of-fame lock, can't convert the fast break! Wasted opportunity!
Superman tries to be too fancy and loses the Spalding! Hot head in the decision-making!
Kim Jong-un watches them score! Just watching, like watching their campaign podium gather dust!
Barack Obama stares in disbelief! The look of a community organizer who just lost everything!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, King Kong picks up the pace. I've been told King Kong always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
Barack Obama with the contested bucket in the paint! No good! Bad selection!
Superman asks for the ball to slow the pace! This generational talent needs air!
Superman launches carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
King Kong mouths off and picks up a T! Limited stamina taking over!
This max-contract guy King Kong leaves the palace of hoops with head held high. Fought to the end.
Barack Obama taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. Superman walks through the door without pushing it. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Superman. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
90-134 (L)
King Kong, this jersey-selling name, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Kim Jong-un blows past the Spalding into the front rim! That's frustrating for this absolute legend!
Sloppy handling by Kim Jong-un! Shaping the public policy is done with more finesse!
King Kong gets crossed over! This multi-time All-Star left frozen off the pick and roll!
Barack Obama lets fly and kicks the stanchion! This undisputed superstar losing composure!
Rest time. Superman isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Anecdote: Superman once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
Kim Jong-un clanks another one off the rim! This once-in-a-lifetime player needs to find rhythm!
Superman is running on fumes! The superhero tank is completely empty!
Kim Jong-un with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost politician!
This absolute legend Superman stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Superman absorbs the defeat! Taking it on the chin, a superhero knows tough days!
Superman sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Barack Obama has his head in his hands. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
88-132 (L)
Kim Jong-un, this franchise cornerstone, embraces the boiling cauldron! Game on!
Superman with the off-balance hook shot! This all-time great couldn't set the feet!
Intercepted! Superman's pass snatched right out of the air! A superhero would never be that careless!
Kim Jong-un loses their assignment! Like losing their campaign podium in the workshop!
King Kong picks up the second technical! This certified bucket ejected! Occasional mental lapses!
Halftime. Barack Obama wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Did you know Barack Obama once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
Kim Jong-un bobbles and misses! Fumbling the ball like it's a Monday morning!
Kim Jong-un grabs the shorts! This undisputed superstar is running on fumes!
This global icon Superman with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
This living legend Superman can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Barack Obama wipes a tear! A community organizer who poured everything into the effort!
Superman stares at his hands like he doesn't recognize them. Kim Jong-un exhales. Again. And again. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
85-120 (L)
Kim Jong-un stretches center court! Loosening up, the politician is getting ready!
Barack Obama with a wild attempt! This living legend not finding the range tonight!
This guy everybody knows King Kong with turnover number points! Lack of consistency is piling up!
Superman gives up the easy bucket! Easier than competing the game!
This generational talent Superman hangs the head after the miss! Deflated in transition!
Well-deserved break. King Kong looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Little secret: King Kong listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
Barack Obama steps back but it's well off! Occasional mental lapses under fatigue!
King Kong short-arms the shot from fatigue! This certified bucket has nothing left!
King Kong, this all-around player, gets stripped at the buzzer! Occasional mental lapses exposed!
King Kong, this do-it-all player, throws the hands up! Exasperated facing the rim!
This top-tier talent King Kong congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this top-tier talent.
Superman kicks his towel across the floor. Superman has already left for the locker room, alone. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
91-134 (L)
This reliable star King Kong in the starting lineup! Let's see what this reliable star brings!
Kim Jong-un short on the attempt! Needs the reach of their campaign podium!
This all-time great Kim Jong-un forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Superman gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the game behind their bare hands!
Superman argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to competing the game!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Kim Jong-un picks up the pace. Exclusive: Kim Jong-un was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
Barack Obama explodes the basketball into nothing! Hot head on full display tonight!
This certified GOAT candidate Kim Jong-un can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
Barack Obama commits the live-ball turnover! Their bullhorn would be ashamed!
This certified bucket King Kong gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Kim Jong-un walks off in defeat! Even a politician's skills couldn't save tonight!
King Kong stares at the floor while Superman mutters something inaudible under his breath. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
79-123 (L)
And we're underway! Superman touches the damn ball first! This once-in-a-lifetime player looks eager!
Kim Jong-un misfires off the pick and roll! This first-ballot legend searching for answers!
This basketball god Superman gets pickpocketed at the top of the key! Sloppy handling!
This hall-of-fame lock Superman can't recover! Scored on facing the rim! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Superman gets a technical for complaining! Hot head on full display!
The players head in. Barack Obama slips on the wet tunnel floor. I've been told Barack Obama once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. We're back! The players look fired up.
Barack Obama misses the bunny! A community organizer dropping the neighborhood from point-blank!
King Kong attacks but the legs won't cooperate! Ego the size of Texas catching up!
Stolen from Barack Obama! A community organizer who let it slip through their fingers!
Kim Jong-un, this low-to-the-ground speedster, shows negative body language! Tendency to rush creeping in!
Barack Obama, this all-around player, hangs the head. Tough loss despite a gym-rat work ethic effort.
Superman kicks his towel across the floor. Superman has already left for the locker room, alone. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Superman's name. Forgive me. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
78-123 (L)
This franchise guy King Kong comes out firing! A hook shot in the first minute!
Superman blows past the orange awkwardly! The touch just isn't there for this certified GOAT candidate!
This absolute legend Superman commits the 5-second violation! Clock management lack of consistency!
Kim Jong-un falls asleep on the weak side! Defense that's basically a suggestion exposed!
Superman, this swiss-army-knife type, pounds the scorer's table! Defense that's basically a suggestion on full display!
Break! Superman has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Confession: Superman believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Superman sends it wide! Their bare hands wouldn't forgive that either!
King Kong, this tweener, laboring up and down! Injury-prone body draining the energy!
Barack Obama steps back into a dead end along the baseline! Turnover! Hot head!
Barack Obama, this first-ballot legend, yells at the coaching staff! Tendency to force bad shots causing friction!
Superman takes the loss hard! Hard as the game on a bad superhero day!
Superman's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Kim Jong-un hides his eyes under a towel. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
74-118 (L)
Tip-off! Kim Jong-un gets us started! Let's go!
A layup from Barack Obama catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
Superman turns it over in the baseline! Butterfingers from this superhero!
King Kong overcommits and gets beat! Defense that's basically a suggestion when reading the play!
Superman is visibly upset! Upset as a superhero when the game goes sideways!
Break! King Kong rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Little secret: King Kong has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
A free throw from Superman sails wide! This household name needs to regroup!
Superman powers through! The superhero in them won't quit on the game!
Superman with the careless pass! Competing the game with more care, please!
Superman drops the head after another miss! Hot head sapping the confidence!
King Kong, this world-class player, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Superman and Kim Jong-un share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
87-132 (L)
Kim Jong-un, this scrappy guard, sets the tone immediately! Freakish explosiveness from the jump!
Kim Jong-un rushes a reverse layup on the low block! Defense that's basically a suggestion creeping in!
King Kong, this do-it-all player, commits the travel! Hot head in the footwork!
Kim Jong-un gambles for the steal and pays the price! Tendency to force bad shots!
Superman slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a superhero hits the workbench!
Both teams head in. Barack Obama has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Rumor has it Barack Obama has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Superman can't find the range! Their bare hands has better accuracy than that!
Superman grabs the jersey for air! Needs more air than their bare hands in the workshop!
Superman gets the ball stripped! The game would have stayed in a superhero's grip!
Superman storms to the bench! Heated! This superhero doesn't handle losing well!
This basketball god Superman tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Superman lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Superman decides not to comment. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
86-131 (L)
This reliable star King Kong means business! Fast start off the pick and roll!
King Kong misfires on the low block! Even this franchise guy has off nights!
King Kong coughs up the Wilson! Injury-prone body strikes again driving to the hoop!
Superman, this versatile guy, gets blown by on the perimeter! Limited stamina in the legs!
Superman throws their hands up! Like a superhero when their bare hands breaks!
Halftime whistle. Barack Obama flops into the first available chair. Anecdote: Barack Obama tried to impress the New York Over-Timers players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.
Barack Obama gets blocked! Rejected harder than a community organizer's worst day on the job!
King Kong bends over during the dead ball! This max-contract guy gathering what's left!
Kim Jong-un, this pint-sized baller, steps out of bounds with the basketball! Mental lapse!
Barack Obama mutters to himself walking back! This guy with rings on every finger fighting inner demons!
Barack Obama lets fly past the media. This household name not in the mood to talk.
Barack Obama clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Superman fidgets with his wristband nervously. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
73-117 (L)
Barack Obama steps onto the floor! From rallying the neighborhood to this, game time!
Off the mark for Superman! Great superhero, not so great at basketball tonight!
King Kong throws it into the stands! What was that from this All-Star caliber talent!
Kim Jong-un gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the public policy on a rough day!
Barack Obama glares at the scoreboard! This living legend not happy with the situation!
Players head to the locker room. King Kong has tape on three fingers. Anecdote: King Kong lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
This undisputed superstar Kim Jong-un muscles up a buzzer-beater but can't get it to fall!
King Kong, this jersey-selling name, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
Superman loses the rock! A superhero would never be this careless!
Superman shakes their head! A superhero who can't believe that just happened!
Superman consoles teammates! The heart of a superhero in that moment!
Kim Jong-un presses his forehead against the tunnel glass. Superman walks right past without noticing. I learned tonight that Kim Jong-un used to be a superhero. That explains the unique running style. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
74-118 (L)
King Kong posts up onto the floor! The crowd roars for this world-class player!
Barack Obama, this smooth operator, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Sometimes predictable game!
This first-ballot legend Superman commits the offensive foul! Turnover from downtown!
Superman turns the head and loses the man! This undisputed superstar napping defensively!
Barack Obama storms to the bench! This certified GOAT candidate is visibly upset!
Halftime. Superman's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Anecdote: Superman slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
This All-Star caliber talent King Kong misses the mark! A buzzer-beater goes begging at the buzzer!
Superman tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a superhero's energy for the game!
King Kong charges right into the defender! Turnover! Defense that's basically a suggestion when controlling pace!
Superman mouths off during crunch time! A superhero venting about the game!
This living legend Superman stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this living legend wanted.
Superman rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. King Kong picks up his own and folds it carefully. Did you know that King Kong practices superhero on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
76-120 (L)
Barack Obama, this all-around player, takes the court! The standing ovation is electric!
Superman rattles it out! Shaking the venue with their bare hands intensity!
King Kong, this combo guard, gets called for the carry! Heavy feet in ball-handling!
Superman loses the battle in the paint! Being a superhero doesn't help you here!
Kim Jong-un dunks angrily after the turnover! This basketball god spiraling!
Cut! Halftime. King Kong's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Little scoop: King Kong collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
Superman can't hit from the right wing! That zone is cursed for this superhero!
Superman, this all-time great, with the tired turnover! Legs and mind fatigued!
Superman loses the pill in traffic! This guy with rings on every finger can't afford that!
Kim Jong-un slams the leather in frustration! Ego the size of Texas on full display!
This franchise cornerstone Kim Jong-un shakes hands and moves on. In the end, injury-prone body proved costly.
Superman chews his nails on the bench. Kim Jong-un stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
86-130 (L)
Barack Obama, this franchise cornerstone, draws first blood! A step-back three to start!
This basketball god Superman puts up a fadeaway jumper but it won't fall! Off night!
King Kong throws it away! Tendency to rush under pressure from the left corner!
Superman bites on the pump fake! This potential GOAT sent flying in the paint!
Barack Obama buries their face! Hidden from view, the community organizer can't watch!
Break. Superman collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Juicy anecdote: Superman was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Kim Jong-un rattles in and out! The public policy never teases a politician like that!
King Kong, this franchise guy, sucking wind after that sprint! The allotted time of battle!
Barack Obama passes to nobody! This guy with rings on every finger with a head-scratching decision!
This franchise guy King Kong throws an elbow in frustration! Shaky emotions under pressure on full display!
Superman sits alone on the bench. This certified GOAT candidate processing the defeat.
Superman takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Superman doesn't drink. Throat too tight. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Superman.
Season journal
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