My dream soccer team — football_team 🇦🇺

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-3 (L)

Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. The polymath sets off on a solo raid from deep. When a player in that position triggers a run like that, the opposition defence does not know what hit them. GOOOAL! Benjamin Franklin spots the keeper off his line and chips the ball over him! That is RARE intelligence, perfect lob, the ball dies in the net!

Classy interception from Rosa Parks, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time. Rosa Parks pings a ridiculous diagonal to Barack Obama. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Barack Obama forces a pass to Anya Forger who was not in position. Bad read, ball gone. What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end. Barack Obama floats it into the gap for Michelle Obama, the ball skims through the grass and arrives at just the right spot.

Yuki Tsunoda hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! Benjamin Franklin wins the battle in the air against the attacker, he took the elevator while everyone else took the stairs. Short pass from the polymath to Barack Obama, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level.

They've scored! Paris Saint-Glinglin break the deadlock and the momentum has completely shifted.

Sombrero from the player on his marker. When you have got that skill repertoire in that role, you entertain the crowd every single match. Overlap from the player with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy. Sonic the Hedgehog floats a cross in from the wing for Gabimaru, the ball hangs in the box!

The gaffer pulls up the replay on his tablet and shoves it in Michelle Obama's face: "Look at that. A gap size of the Grand Canyon in our backline and you are ball-watching. BALL. WATCHING. What are you, a spectator?!" Michelle Obama takes it on the chin. There is nothing to say. The evidence is damning. The 28-year-old Anya Forger has been spotted playing Snake on a Nokia 3310 in the tunnel before kickoff. At 100, the big man hunched over a tiny phone is a sight that haunts opposition defenders. And now, our TV game show Taskmaster of the Obvious! To win a laminated bus timetable from 2019, text 4678 and answer: 'How early should you arrive at a bus stop to guarantee the bus has already left?' The dressing rooms empty and the pitch fills up again. Barack Obama does a few quick stretches on the touchline before jogging into position. Ready for war.

This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive. Short build-up from Barack Obama to Michelle Obama, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. The lawyer takes on his man and leaves him for dead. In that position, the short dribble is the ultimate weapon. Michelle Obama spreads it to Quicksilver, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right.

It's a goal! Paris Saint-Glinglin go ahead! The ball was drilled low and hard into the corner.

Joe Rogan unfurls a banner hidden in his shorts: 'FOR THE LADS DOWN THE ROAD'. The home end erupts. Gabimaru makes a heart sign with his hands. Joe Rogan finally shows up, completely out of breath, collapses next to them.

Strikers making run after run, long balls flying in every time. Mad sprint from the thai boxer Joe Rogan, arriving just in time in the box. Barack Obama springs up and wins the duel in the air against the towering forward. Timing and leap make all the difference. Firm pass from Barack Obama into Michelle Obama, right into the boots. No waste.

And that's a goal! Paris Saint-Glinglin extend their lead. We are in deep trouble here.

Joe Rogan weaves through Paris Saint-Glinglin's defenders to reach his own fans, waving his arms to whip up the stand. Every step is chanted. Rosa Parks screams 'COME OOOON!' next to him. World Cup final vibes in a league match.

The corner from Sonic the Hedgehog is well dealt with by the defence, cleared without any fuss. Interception from Anya Forger right through the middle, he anticipated the switch of play and placed himself right in the passing lane. Pure intelligence. They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass.

The thai boxer throws it out to Yuki Tsunoda, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Yuki Tsunoda anticipates the lofted pass and intercepts with his chest. Total control, maximum game intelligence.

Vertical press, the opposition has to go long and aimless. Lovely interception from Michelle Obama, he anticipated the movement and cut off the pass before it reached its target. Wing switch from Michelle Obama, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Benjamin Franklin brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Benjamin Franklin curls a cross to the near post, Gabimaru is lurking in the box.

The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. Quick one-two between Barack Obama and Sonic the Hedgehog, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Dribble from Sonic the Hedgehog in the box, one shimmy and the defender is out of the picture. Dangerous. Sonic the Hedgehog slides the ball across the ground in the box, Anya Forger arrives for the finish. Anya Forger slides it to Quicksilver, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

Full time. Sonic the Hedgehog applauds the home fans with genuine gratitude — they never booed, not once. Michelle Obama joins the clap. A few supporters lean over and say encouraging things. "Keep going, lads." It helps, a bit. The walk to the tunnel is the longest forty yards in football. Leonard from Barnsley says fifteen minutes early guarantees the bus left fourteen minutes ago. Laminated timetable for Leonard! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

1-1 (L)

Solo run from Gabimaru, he drives up the pitch at full speed, beating everyone in sight. The ninja produces a phenomenal slalom and scores all on his own! GOAL! In that position, that individual talent is what sets you apart from the rest.

The racing driver plays it simple to Anya Forger, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Good ball from the elementary schooler to Michelle Obama, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Michelle Obama spreads the play and finds Benjamin Franklin in a motorway on the left flank. The defence is stretched thin. Linesman's flag is up immediately. Benjamin Franklin was a good metre off on Barack Obama's pass.

Benjamin Franklin plays the simple ball to Rosa Parks, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Rosa Parks aims for Sonic the Hedgehog but the ball is deflected off an opponent's foot. Pass cut out. What a tackle by Quicksilver! Times it to perfection, nicks the ball, and the ref waves play on. Outstanding.

The polymath goes for the short corner to Erika Kirk, great vision. In that position, having the awareness to build rather than force it makes you stand out. Smooth transition from Erika Kirk to Anya Forger, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Anya Forger rifles one in, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper comes up big. Corner to the attacking side.

GOAL! México No-Era-Penal have broken through! Their forward buried it into the bottom corner.

Joe Rogan and Gabimaru do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Joe Rogan arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

The gaffer pulls up México No-Era-Penal's shape on the screen: "See how high their line is? One ball over the top and we are in. Rosa Parks, you have the pace. Gabimaru, you have the vision. Put it together and we are laughing." It sounds simple. Football always sounds simple at halftime. Doing it is the hard part. Rosa Parks is a known charity shop addict who once found a vintage Gazza shirt in an Oxfam for three quid. The 113-year-old wore it under the kit for six straight matches as a lucky charm. And now, our TV game show The Repair Shop of Dreams! To win a broken clock that someone might fix eventually, text 4890 and answer: 'How long does a British person keep a broken appliance before admitting it needs replacing?' Benjamin Franklin is the last one out of the tunnel, laces done up tight, sleeves rolled up proper. The look on {his} face says everything. Let us get on with it.

Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed. Sonic the Hedgehog scuffs the pass, the ball spins off the boot and heads towards the dugout. Lonely moment. Decisive glance from Quicksilver who spots the pass leaving the boot and throws himself into the trajectory. What a lifesaving interception. Quicksilver triggers a change of flanks for Sonic the Hedgehog, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads.

Three on one and they find a way to mess it all up, unbelievable. The philanthropist embarks on a solo run from his own half. In that position, a run like that is truly exceptional. SHOOOOT from Erika Kirk... just wide! Shaves the post, so close to going in. Joe Rogan launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Quicksilver after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. Header won by Quicksilver, he makes it look effortless in the air. He is an aerial brick wall.

Quicksilver pings a long diagonal to Anya Forger, completely shifts the point of attack. Anya Forger sends in a classic cross, it arrives on Gabimaru in the thick of it. The thai boxer produces a monster save! In that position, a save like that is worth a goal. He is the last line and he has held firm. Header missed from the corner by the player! In that position, when you put in deliveries like that, you expect your teammates to do the business in the air.

Rosa Parks cleans up with a magnificent sliding tackle, wins possession, and plays it forward. That's the complete defensive action. Ball stolen and released forward, it's an absolute rocket of a counter.

Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. Sonic the Hedgehog has a go and it's on target but the keeper is equal to it. Good save. The corner from the player is cleared at the near post. In that position, when your corners keep getting headed away, you need to mix up the delivery. The racing driver intercepts the pass with textbook reading of the game. In that position, it is that intelligence that separates a good player from a great one. Little shift from Yuki Tsunoda to Rosa Parks, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up.

PENALTY! The ninja is brought down in the box! In that position, when you burst into the area like that and win a penalty, you change the COURSE of the match. DECISIVE moment. Gabimaru takes the penalty and... it's wide! He crumbles, the pressure was unbearable.

Level score. Quicksilver screams at the sky out of frustration — we were leading at half time. Benjamin Franklin boots a stray training ball as far as he can, just to let it out. The ref watches, doesn't love it, lets it go. Everyone understands. Brenda from Northampton says at least six years and then you keep it in the garage for another four just in case. Broken clock for Brenda! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

2-2 (L)

GOAL! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib find the net! Our keeper had no chance, thunderbolt of a strike.

Joe Rogan and Rosa Parks do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Joe Rogan arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

The ninja strings together skill moves and humiliates the defender. It is rare to see that much flair in that position. BOOOM the ninja goes solo and it is a MASTERPIECE! In that position, that kind of action is what gets you into the history books. GOAL!

Gabimaru runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Joe Rogan joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

Ferocious press from Quicksilver! He sticks to the carrier, hounds him, and ends up winning the ball. The dirty work that makes great players. Surging run from Quicksilver from the centre circle, he destroys everything in his path. What a spectacle. GOAL with a lob from the superhero! In that position, having the AWARENESS to spot the keeper off his line and the composure to chip it over, that is what makes great players. MASTERFUL.

Joe Rogan plays it short to Sonic the Hedgehog, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Sonic the Hedgehog gives it straight to the opposition, completely misplaced pass. The pressure is building. Quicksilver with a trademark slide tackle, gets the ball and pops straight back up. The fans are on their feet! They've broken at pace and the back line is nowhere to be seen.

Beautiful distribution from Joe Rogan to Erika Kirk, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. Clinical interception from Erika Kirk, he cuts out the pass between the opposition lines and breaks forward on the counter. The crowd loves it, and rightly so. Erika Kirk gives it to Rosa Parks into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Rosa Parks strings together a double stepover and leaves the defender for dead. Sublime skill. Rosa Parks crosses from the wing, the ball flies across the box like a missile and Yuki Tsunoda is there to meet it.

Anya Forger paces up and down the dressing room, unable to sit still. Adrenaline and frustration mixed together in equal measure. The gaffer blocks {his} path: "Sit down. Breathe. Channel all of that into the next forty-five minutes. I need you sharp, not frantic. Understood?" Anya Forger exhales and sits. Quicksilver claims to hold the unofficial world record for eating 47 Jaffa Cakes in under six minutes. At 28 years old, the achievement remains unrecognised by Guinness but celebrated in the dressing room. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 9494 and answer this question: 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?' The PA announces the restart and the stadium comes alive. Michelle Obama is already in position, feet planted, shoulders square. Locked and loaded.

The corner from Quicksilver is snuffed out by the defence, a defender clears at the near post. Crossfield pass from Erika Kirk to Rosa Parks, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. Rosa Parks sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. Dribble attempt aborted for Rosa Parks, the defender reads the play and steps in. Erika Kirk reads the game like nobody else, he cuts out the cross-field pass and launches a counter immediately.

It's there! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib hit the back of the net. Our goalkeeper was rooted to the spot.

Joe Rogan weaves through Casablanca Dima-Maghrib's defenders to reach his own fans, waving his arms to whip up the stand. Every step is chanted. Rosa Parks screams 'COME OOOON!' next to him. World Cup final vibes in a league match.

Switch from Erika Kirk! The ball arcs over the midfield and Sonic the Hedgehog collects it on the other side. Stretching the play. Aerial duel lost by Sonic the Hedgehog, he misjudged the flight of the ball and the opponent pounced. WHAT A SAVE from the thai boxer! That kind of keeper wins you matches all on his own.

Magnificent low block, holding out like a besieged fortress. The civil rights activist produces the tackle of the match, impeccable timing and technique. That ability to read the game defensively from that position is absolutely priceless. Rosa Parks puts it right into the feet of Sonic the Hedgehog, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Sonic the Hedgehog finds the gap and serves Barack Obama in behind the last man. That is three-cushion snooker, that is.

Barack Obama launches it to Anya Forger on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Good run from Anya Forger who crosses to the near post for Yuki Tsunoda. The defender is beaten to it. Yuki Tsunoda jumps too early and comes back down before the ball arrives, the opponent profits and wins the duel.

Gabimaru goes crossfield to Rosa Parks, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Rosa Parks wants to find Benjamin Franklin between the lines but the weight is all wrong. Intercepted. Trip by Gabimaru, the opponent goes tumbling. Standard free kick. Gabimaru goes into the book after catching the opponent late and high.

Driven kick from Joe Rogan to Erika Kirk, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. The philanthropist slides in with a perfect tackle and wins the ball. That's exactly the kind of intervention you want from someone in that position. Erika Kirk lays it off first time to Michelle Obama, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely.

Level score. Rosa Parks screams at the sky out of frustration — we were leading at half time. Barack Obama boots a stray training ball as far as he can, just to let it out. The ref watches, doesn't love it, lets it go. Everyone understands. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?'. The answer was of course 900 degrees Celsius, which is why the British stare at the floor numbers with such intensity. Maureen wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

1-1 (L)

Heroic low block, every single player at his post. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. BOOOOOM! Sonic the Hedgehog sends a BOMB from 25 yards, the keeper just watched the ball fly past!

Added time, and the intensity goes through the roof. Nothing is settled. Quick exchange between Quicksilver and Rosa Parks, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. The civil rights activist opens up to Erika Kirk on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Cross from the right by Erika Kirk, the ball sails over everyone and drops towards Barack Obama at the back post.

Michelle Obama triggers the one-two with Gabimaru in tight spaces. It goes, it comes back, and the defender is left watching planes. Michelle Obama slides a beauty through the gap, Sonic the Hedgehog is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. Offside given against Sonic the Hedgehog but that is desperately close, Yuki Tsunoda is absolutely fuming! Joe Rogan opts for the short option to Anya Forger, keeping possession, building play, no panic. Dominant header from Anya Forger on the corner, he outmuscles his marker and wins the aerial duel. The ground shakes.

Perfectly executed challenge by Michelle Obama, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb. Michelle Obama strings together a series of dribbles and covers fifty yards on his own. The crowd is on its feet. The lawyer gets dispossessed mid-dribble. That is the risk when you try it in that position, sometimes it does not come off. Barack Obama slides into the passing lane and nicks the ball. The opposition does not know what just happened.

And it's in! Dakar Teranga FC take advantage of a dreadful mix-up at the back.

Joe Rogan mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Michelle Obama raises Joe Rogan's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Joe Rogan plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

The boss wipes the board clean and draws a completely new shape. "We are going 4-3-3. Michelle Obama, you go left. Benjamin Franklin, tuck inside." The players exchange nervous looks. Changing the system at halftime means the gaffer is not happy. Not happy at all. The mood is like waiting for exam results. Lovely story from Michelle Obama's childhood — he used to practice free kicks in the alley behind a chip shop in Doncaster. The owner would give him a free bag of scraps if he hit the wheelie bin from thirty yards. That's where 180 of pure talent was forged. And now, our TV game show QI: Quite Irrelevant! To win a Thermos flask and a waterproof hat, text 5012 and answer: 'How many different words do British people have for light rain?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Anya Forger high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

Defensive organization is perfect, the opposition hits a brick wall. What a REFLEX from Joe Rogan! He sticks out a foot and the ball goes for a corner. Inhuman. Joe Rogan fires it out quickly by hand to Sonic the Hedgehog, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart.

Barack Obama thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work. Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality. The away end has gone ominously quiet, this side is on top now. Driven cross from Quicksilver into the box, Erika Kirk arrives at full pace at the near post. This smells like a goal.

Raking ball from the community organizer to Quicksilver, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. Aerial duel won by Quicksilver, he outmuscles his opponent in the air. Aerial power is his bread and butter. OHHH the header from Quicksilver off the cross from Rosa Parks! It flies a whisker past the post! The keeper had no chance.

Every player defending like their life depends on it, the block stands firm. Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. Sonic the Hedgehog takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race. Sonic the Hedgehog reaches the byline and cuts it back for Gabimaru arriving from the second wave. Gabimaru completely miscues his cross, the ball ends up in the stands. Not his night.

Quick throw from Joe Rogan to Erika Kirk out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. The philanthropist wins the aerial duel with authority. In that position, heading is the foundation, and he has just reminded everyone why he starts. Erika Kirk to Rosa Parks, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Ball in behind from the civil rights activist, Anya Forger is through on goal. That is the kind of pass that justifies the price tag all on its own.

Michelle Obama reads the attempted through ball and intercepts in stride. The defence wanted to play it quick, but Michelle Obama was quicker. Monumental ball from Michelle Obama to Yuki Tsunoda, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Lightning overlap from Yuki Tsunoda, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides. The cross from Yuki Tsunoda is gathered by the keeper without the slightest difficulty. Pointless. Instinctive clearance from Sonic the Hedgehog who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day.

Points shared. Michelle Obama sits on the grass for a full minute, staring up at the floodlights. Rosa Parks crouches beside him: "Come on mate, let's get inside. Tuesday's another game." Long season. Draws happen. Nobody's thrilled, nobody's devastated. Patricia from Norwich says at least thirty-seven words including spitting, mizzle, and a bit damp. Thermos and hat for Patricia! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

1-0 (W)

Lovely use of the ball by Michelle Obama, finding Yuki Tsunoda in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Yuki Tsunoda sends a missile that makes the post SHAKE! The metallic ring echoes, no goal. GOOOAL for Quicksilver! Classic tap-in on the cross from Erika Kirk, the ball dies in the empty net. GOAL!

Michelle Obama mimes smashing a penalty into the top corner, arm raised in frozen follow-through. Joe Rogan does the wave with contortionist grace. Joe Rogan solemnly applauds. The home end copies the movement in cadence.

Monster clearance from Barack Obama! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. The polymath lays it off first time to Gabimaru, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Gabimaru goes to ground and takes the opponent with him. Free kick, nothing more.

Barack Obama plays it simple to Quicksilver, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Quicksilver beats his man with a sharp dribble, instant change of direction. Quicksilver feeds Rosa Parks in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Perfect low cut-back from Rosa Parks, the ball slides across the box and Gabimaru just has to finish. Joe Rogan stretches every inch and pushes the shot away. Iron hand, wasp-like reflexes.

Granite block, the opposition breaks its teeth on it. The community organizer puts in a ridiculous recovery run, comes from nowhere to save the day. In that position, that kind of effort is pure gold. Superb tackle from the community organizer, cleans up the danger without breaking a sweat. When you've got a player like that in the role, you sleep easy at night. Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly.

Yuki Tsunoda throws himself at it and clears the ball just in time, he has saved the furniture with whatever was at hand. The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded. Waves of attack crashing down, something has to give soon.

Rosa Parks mimics the referee's running style down the corridor and the entire dressing room loses it. Even the kit man is doubled over. Benjamin Franklin wipes tears from {his} eyes. The gaffer tries to bring order but cracks a smile himself. "Alright, alright, save the comedy for after the match. We have got 45 minutes to see this through." Now Michelle Obama — bless him — once showed up to pre-season training with a sunburn so severe he looked like a Drumstick lolly. Spent one afternoon in Margate without suncream. At 180, there's a lot of surface area to burn, in fairness. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 8899 and answer this question: 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Joe Rogan sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

Massive clearance from the racing driver under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. The racing driver shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Erika Kirk. Pure quality, as per usual. Erika Kirk sends in a curling delivery, Sonic the Hedgehog peels off the back of his marker and finds space. Sonic the Hedgehog is dominated in the aerial duel, the attacker is simply stronger in the air on that occasion. Joe Rogan leaps, catches, lands. All flowing, all controlled. The keeper is in AUTHORITY mode.

Rosa Parks delivers a tidy ball to Gabimaru, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Lovely on the eye but completely sterile, no penetration at all. Great vision from Erika Kirk who switches to Yuki Tsunoda. The defence pivots, but they are too late.

Yuki Tsunoda boots the ball as far as he possibly can with an emergency clearance. Zero style, one hundred percent effectiveness. The superhero switches the play to Yuki Tsunoda, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. Yuki Tsunoda overlaps on the wing with frightening ease, the defender is made to look silly. Yuki Tsunoda sends his cross straight into the keeper's gloves, nobody on the end of it. Joe Rogan sends an absolute rocket towards Gabimaru, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch.

Joe Rogan takes his time and plays it short to Quicksilver. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. The superhero finds Michelle Obama along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent.

Superb! Gabimaru jogs toward the tunnel but stops, turns around, and takes one last look at the pitch under the lights. Joe Rogan waits for him at the door: "Beautiful, isn't it?" Gabimaru nods. They disappear inside. The muffled sound of celebration follows. Magic night. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Keith Drizzleton, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?'. The answer was of course 4.7 kilonewtons, enough to demolish a conversation but not enough to get served at the bar. Keith wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

2-2 (L)

That's a beauty from Barack Obama! Slides across the turf and takes the ball off the attacker's boot. Clinical defending. Barack Obama threads the needle between the two centre-backs, Quicksilver bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. GOOOOOAL for Quicksilver! On the genius pass from Sonic the Hedgehog, he beats the keeper with a placed finish, MAGNIFICENT!

Barack Obama stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Gabimaru comes over and hugs him without a word.

What a situation from Sonic the Hedgehog's corner! It's a right old scrap in the box, the defense survives! GOOOAL from the superhero! Pure poacher's goal. In that position, when you have that instinct, you turn the smallest scraps into gold.

The free kick from Sonic the Hedgehog is a dangerous one, Barack Obama meets it on the volley inside the six-yard box. Barack Obama meets the cross from Anya Forger with his head, it is wide! The keeper did not even move.

Sonic the Hedgehog dinks a lobbed cross for Rosa Parks, the ball clears everyone and drops perfectly. Volley attempt from the civil rights activist, flies wide. In that role, the technique was superb, just needs a fraction more precision. Dead time on the pitch, both sides happy to keep it ticking over.

Step-overs from Erika Kirk followed by an explosion of pace, the defender buys the feint and eats the dust. Erika Kirk hits the afterburners and flies past his defender, that is blistering pace. Good delivery from Erika Kirk off the left flank, Rosa Parks positions himself between the two centre-halves.

"I have seen enough sideways passing to last me a lifetime," the gaffer mutters, rubbing his temples. "We need to go forward. Direct. Purposeful. Anya Forger, stop dropping deep. Sonic the Hedgehog, stop playing safe. I would rather we lose trying to win than draw playing like cowards." The words sting, but they are fair. A cracking detail — Quicksilver, standing at 180, once tried to fix a leaky tap in the dressing room and flooded the entire physio area. He blamed the water pressure, which is the most British excuse anyone has ever given for anything. And now, our TV game show Who Dares Bins! To win a wheelie bin with your name stencilled on it, text 0800BIN and answer: 'What happens if you put your bins out on the wrong day?' The tunnel spits the players back onto the pitch one by one. Gabimaru comes out with that walk. You know the one. Shoulders back, chest out. Something has clicked.

GOAL! Lagos No-Carry-Last strike! Their attacker has ghosted past everyone. Too easy.

Yuki Tsunoda boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there. Stodgy, sluggish football, the entertainment has drained out of the game. Quicksilver finds Rosa Parks between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Rosa Parks goes to the byline and fires a low ball back, Sonic the Hedgehog is unmarked at the far post. AAAARGH Sonic the Hedgehog! Erika Kirk puts the ball on his head, the goal is empty, and he nods it wide. That stings.

The polymath puts his corner in but it is cleared. In that position, the quality of your delivery from corners is what separates danger from damp squibs. Almighty boot from Anya Forger who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages.

Non-stop press, the opposition are on their knees. Rosa Parks throws himself into the passing lane and comes away with the ball. Phenomenal reading of the game. Change of flanks from Rosa Parks, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Yuki Tsunoda. Inch-perfect tackle by Yuki Tsunoda, he's taken the ball cleanly and snuffed out the attack. Brilliant defending.

Barack Obama loses his aerial duel, the opponent got higher and won everything. Not much he could do. Bad parry from Joe Rogan, smack into the middle! The attacker thought he had a tap-in. Joe Rogan plays it along the ground to Rosa Parks, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. Rosa Parks slips Barack Obama in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever.

GOAL! Lagos No-Carry-Last are celebrating! Their attacker made it look far too easy.

Quick combination between Benjamin Franklin and Yuki Tsunoda, give and go, the defender did not see it coming. The polymath roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head. The polymath tries one dribble too many and loses the ball. In that position, you have got to know when to release it. Crucial intervention from the elementary schooler, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on. Emergency clearance from the elementary schooler, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play.

Shared match. Benjamin Franklin walks past the cameras with his head down, no stopping tonight. Rosa Parks does stop, and simply says: "We weren't clinical enough in the box. Full stop." Brutal honesty. The pundits will chew on that one tomorrow. Sandra from Rotherham says neighbourhood exile and possible prosecution. The personalised wheelie bin is hers! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

1-2 (L)

Supersonic transition, but the final shot ends up in the clouds. The philanthropist devours the pitch on his own. That kind of surging run from that position can change the course of a match. LOB from the philanthropist over the keeper! GOAL! In that position, when you have that ability to read the game and finish with that much CLASS, you are simply an ARTIST.

Erika Kirk kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Yuki Tsunoda takes a knee behind him. Joe Rogan raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Absolutely dreadful! Barranquilla Toque-Toque score and we have only ourselves to blame.

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Joe Rogan is at the centre, lifted up by Erika Kirk and Joe Rogan, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. Barranquilla Toque-Toque's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

Rapid combination: Benjamin Franklin to Michelle Obama, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Michelle Obama pulls it back along the ground for Quicksilver, that is the perfect cut-back!

Sonic the Hedgehog delivers an inswinging free kick, Gabimaru at the back post tries to get on the end of it. HEADER from Gabimaru! His forehead connects but it flies over the crossbar. Unlucky. We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep.

Oh no, Barranquilla Toque-Toque score! Their forward was left completely unmarked, schoolboy defending.

Final knee slide with controlled drift. Joe Rogan ends up against the hoardings in a fallen angel pose. Rosa Parks leaps over him. Joe Rogan walks over, shakes his head like an exasperated dad. Stadium oscillating. Pure madness.

The dressing room reeks of defeat. Not sweat, not Deep Heat, just that horrible invisible stench of a team that has been outfought and outplayed. Michelle Obama's eyes are bloodshot. Erika Kirk looks like {he} has aged ten years in forty-five minutes. The gaffer stands in the centre and delivers his final words before sending them back out: "If we go down tonight, we go down swinging. Not on our knees. Never on our knees." A delightful detail about Michelle Obama — he's been knitting scarves since lockdown and hasn't stopped. The entire squad has one. They're absolutely terrible, full of holes, but nobody has the heart to tell him. The lad is 62 and fully committed to the craft. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 9494 and answer this question: 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?' Second half underway and Benjamin Franklin is straight into it, pressing high from the first whistle. No easing into this one. Straight for the jugular.

Solo charge from Anya Forger, he sets off from his own box and carries the ball the full length of the field. Smart pass from Anya Forger into the hole for Rosa Parks, not to feet, into the run. That is proper football. Rosa Parks is a fraction offside when Michelle Obama plays the ball, the flag goes up instantly. Short restart from the thai boxer to Barack Obama, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player.

The referee spots the foul by Erika Kirk, a push in the back on the opponent. Wasted by the philanthropist on the free kick! In that position, when you have got that responsibility, you have to deliver the basics and hit the frame.

The civil rights activist cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for Yuki Tsunoda. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat. Yuki Tsunoda is flagged offside but it's INCREDIBLY tight! Sonic the Hedgehog's pass deserved better than that. The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge. Sideways ball from Benjamin Franklin to Barack Obama, switching the point of attack, stretching the block.

Erika Kirk sends Quicksilver into acres of space with a clipped ball over the top. The defence turns, but it is way too late. Offside trap catches Quicksilver out. Rosa Parks played it quickly but not quickly enough. The thai boxer goes long for Anya Forger, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Diagonal from Anya Forger to Benjamin Franklin, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go.

Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill. The ninja fouls the opponent to break up the attack. It's part of the job at that position, knowing when to take one for the team. The ninja finally sees yellow after foul upon foul. Should know better at that position. Free kick stopped! Gabimaru shoots but the defensive wall does its job. Well defended. The thai boxer finds Erika Kirk with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops.

Benjamin Franklin to Sonic the Hedgehog, instant return, and Benjamin Franklin is already three yards further on. The one-two has popped the lock. Benjamin Franklin gets to the byline and cuts it back low, Sonic the Hedgehog just needs to sidefoot it home. Sonic the Hedgehog keeps it short to Michelle Obama, no frills, just good football intelligence. The wall from Benjamin Franklin is perfect for Michelle Obama who collects at full speed. Two passes, one defender eliminated. That is football. Low cut-back from the lawyer for Barack Obama. The bare minimum for a wide player, but delivered with outrageous quality.

Play is cut, VAR is doing its job. Everyone's nerves are absolutely shredded. Sanction aggravated after review! Gabimaru leaves the pitch, red replaces yellow! The ninja has completely lost it and lashed out at an opponent. His team is down to ten men because he couldn't keep his cool. Free kick played short, Gabimaru to Quicksilver, they bypass the wall with the combination.

That hurts. Rosa Parks leans against the tunnel wall, eyes closed, letting the cold concrete cool his head. Joe Rogan stops beside him: "We go again Saturday." Rosa Parks nods, but right now Saturday feels like a lifetime away. The bus is quiet. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?'. The answer was of course 900 degrees Celsius, which is why the British stare at the floor numbers with such intensity. Maureen wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Coming up: 'Gogglebox, but the families are watching Gogglebox watching Gogglebox.' It's telly-ception. Nobody knows what's real anymore. The dog seems fine with it.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-1 (L)

GOAAAL! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa make no mistake! The defence parted like the Red Sea.

Gabimaru rolls it to Yuki Tsunoda, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Yuki Tsunoda unleashes one that smashes off the bar and bounces out! The keeper hadn't moved! OOOOH the tap-in from Erika Kirk! On the loose ball, he was 6 yards out, he pokes it in. GOAL!

Lightning counter, striker's away on his bike and the defence is chasing shadows. The overlap from Quicksilver, he leaves the opposing full-back for dead. Quicksilver finds Gabimaru with a pull-back inside the eighteen, that is an absolute beauty of a ball. Gabimaru tries his luck, it's ON TARGEEEET but the keeper dives full stretch and pulls off a worldie!

Joe Rogan boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Sonic the Hedgehog! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. The player reads the pass and intercepts cleanly. When you have that reading ability in that position, you snuff out attacks before they even begin.

Barack Obama is beaten in the air by his opponent, he could not compete. Joe Rogan blocks with the leg! The ball ricochets and goes out for a throw. Pure composure. Joe Rogan throws it out quickly to Rosa Parks, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset.

The gaffer pulls up Montevideo Garra-Charrúa's shape on the screen: "See how high their line is? One ball over the top and we are in. Quicksilver, you have the pace. Sonic the Hedgehog, you have the vision. Put it together and we are laughing." It sounds simple. Football always sounds simple at halftime. Doing it is the hard part. Joe Rogan has worn the same pair of lucky pants for every match since 2021. At 59, the 180-tall star insists they've been washed but teammates remain unconvinced, describing the aroma as 'motivational.' And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 4848 and answer this question: 'Which animal is legally considered furniture in Stoke-on-Trent?' Joe Rogan is the last one out of the tunnel, laces done up tight, sleeves rolled up proper. The look on {his} face says everything. Let us get on with it.

The superhero pulls out a roulette on the defender. In that position, a skill move like that is the cherry on top. Quicksilver sets it for Sonic the Hedgehog, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. The player reads the movement before anyone else and puts Quicksilver into space. In that position, that is the kind of pass that changes a game.

Blistering run from Anya Forger on the wing, the defender is chasing but never catches up. PENALTY for Anya Forger! He enters the box, the defender brings him down and the referee points to the spot! No DOUBT about it, it is a penalty. The pressure is ENORMOUS. Penalty missed by the elementary schooler! In that position, when the pressure breaks you on a penalty, it's AGONY, but champions bounce back.

The elementary schooler plays it short to Rosa Parks, slowing the tempo. In that position, playing the corner with brains rather than brute force is priceless. Good ball from Rosa Parks to Benjamin Franklin, playing it quick between the lines. The polymath misplaces his pass to Yuki Tsunoda, the ball goes nowhere. Not his finest moment. Counter perfect until the last yard when everything goes haywire.

Corner from Quicksilver, Benjamin Franklin jumps highest but his header flies over the bar. Joe Rogan goes long for Erika Kirk, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. The philanthropist overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon. Good cross from the philanthropist for Yuki Tsunoda in the area. The bare minimum for a wide player, but done with surgical quality.

Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Telepathic pass from Benjamin Franklin to Michelle Obama, like they rehearsed it at breakfast. The ball fizzes in behind the defence. Tight offside against the lawyer, Yuki Tsunoda's through ball deserved better than that.

The player lays it off first time to Barack Obama, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. The community organizer finds Yuki Tsunoda in the pocket with a ball into space. Understated quality, no fuss, but devastatingly effective. Marginal offside called on Yuki Tsunoda, Benjamin Franklin's through ball cut the defence open perfectly. The referee comes back from the screen, still hasn't made his call. The wait is cruel. The referee overturns his decision after VAR — no goal for Barack Obama!

Honours even. Michelle Obama finds a corner of the dressing room, headphones on, eyes shut. Anya Forger walks past, taps his knee twice — silent support. The gaffer arrives: "We'll talk when everyone's ready. No rush." Well read, gaffer. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Geraldine Puddleworth, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which animal is legally considered furniture in Stoke-on-Trent?'. The answer was of course the tortoise, following the Furniture Reclassification Act after one was mistaken for an ottoman for nine years. Geraldine wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

1-2 (L)

Rapid break, the defenders are still trying to find their marks. The superhero sends a cannonball on the pass from Benjamin Franklin, GOOOAL! In that position, that kind of power in the strike is an insane weapon.

The pile at the corner flag. Quicksilver is at the bottom, you count seventeen shirts, even the physio and the third-choice keeper are in there. Joe Rogan arrives from the other side at full sprint and dives on top. Two fans scaling the fence.

It's in the back of the net! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío celebrate and our fans are gutted.

Joe Rogan mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Michelle Obama plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Joe Rogan plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

Rosa Parks misreads the run completely and slides in way too early. By the time he lands, the ball's in another postcode. The ball spills out of Joe Rogan's gloves, scramble in front of goal! The polymath boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence.

Header lost by Quicksilver, the opponent took the elevator while Quicksilver stayed on the ground floor. OHHH the leg save from Joe Rogan! He was beaten but his leg came across to deny the goal! Joe Rogan hoofs it forward towards Sonic the Hedgehog, clearance mode, no time to mess about.

Brilliant switch of play from Barack Obama! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Gabimaru. The ninja butchers that pass, straight to the opposition. Unusual for a player of his calibre. Stunning tackle by Anya Forger in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. Anya Forger fires the ball over to Barack Obama with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book. The community organizer bends the ball into the box for Quicksilver. The kind of delivery that makes the difference in the big games.

The gaffer flips the tactics board clean off the wall. Magnets scatter across the floor like shrapnel. "Can somebody, ANYBODY, explain to me what I have just watched for forty-five minutes?!" Nobody answers. Michelle Obama pulls {his} shirt over {his} face. The hairdryer treatment has well and truly arrived. You'll love this — Michelle Obama, all 180 of him, has an irrational fear of roundabouts. Not on the pitch, mind you — actual road roundabouts. His teammate has to drive him to training because the Magic Roundabout in Swindon gave him nightmares. And now, our TV game show Marmite or Marmalade! To win a year's supply of both and a lifetime of arguments, text 4456 and answer: 'Is Marmite a food or a personality test?' Yuki Tsunoda is the last one out of the tunnel, laces done up tight, sleeves rolled up proper. The look on {his} face says everything. Let us get on with it.

It's a goal for Buenos Aires Pecho Frío! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal. Benjamin Franklin charges past his man, the defence is stretched on the flank. Dangerous. Dangerous play from Benjamin Franklin! He's left the ground and caught the attacker high. That's reckless. RED CARD! Benjamin Franklin catches the attacker knee-high with a flying challenge. Off you go! Free kick played short by the polymath! In that position, having the game intelligence to mix up your free kicks is what makes a team unpredictable.

The community organizer launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. They've got the ball but it's troubling absolutely nobody. Gabimaru releases Barack Obama with a ball into space on the left. The defence is sliding across but they are too late. Barack Obama looks for Benjamin Franklin with a ball in behind but it is massively overhit. The opposition keeper collects without moving.

Clever free kick from Benjamin Franklin to Gabimaru, they play it short to cut out the wall. One touch football: Gabimaru to Erika Kirk, faster than the opposition can think. Erika Kirk looks up and swings in a floated cross, Gabimaru rises among the defenders. The thai boxer pushes the shot away with an iron fist. In that position, reflexes are everything, and right there he was MONUMENTAL.

Barack Obama lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war. Pass, pass, pass, back to the keeper... same old script.

Joe Rogan finds Erika Kirk with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money. Magnificent reading of the game from Erika Kirk, he intercepts between the lines and launches the counter. That kind of action turns a match on its head. Erika Kirk shifts it to Gabimaru with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Short pass from the ninja to Rosa Parks, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level.

Joe Rogan rolls it short to Michelle Obama into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. Massive diagonal from Michelle Obama! Yuki Tsunoda receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards. Lay-off from Yuki Tsunoda to Quicksilver, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan.

It's not our day and everyone knows it. Anya Forger shakes the ref's hand — barely — and walks off. Quicksilver is already on the bench, head in hands, replaying that missed chance on a loop. The physio drapes a jacket over his shoulders. Cold night. Cold result. Nigel from Margate says it's definitely a personality test and he failed it magnificently. A year of Marmite AND marmalade for Nigel! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

2-2 (L)

Short distribution from Joe Rogan to Anya Forger, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. Anya Forger links up with Gabimaru, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Gabimaru does not hesitate, he winds up from distance and SMASHES it! The ball finds the top corner, GOAL!

Fifteen-yard belly slide from Joe Rogan, arms out like an aeroplane. Anya Forger follows in like he's skiing. Joe Rogan arrives at a casual walk and flops on top last. The pile is three bodies deep. The physio is already panicking about someone's back.

What a block! Yuki Tsunoda slides in with impeccable timing and takes the ball away. That's defending at its finest. What a ball from Yuki Tsunoda! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and Barack Obama is away on his own. That is velvet. GOOOOOAL signed by the community organizer! Placed shot, ball in the bottom corner. In that position, that kind of finish is what justifies the wages.

Knee slide for twenty yards, Yuki Tsunoda arms outstretched like a crucifix, face buried in the wet turf. Sonic the Hedgehog slides in alongside, they both crash into the hoardings. Wonderwall starts up from the stands, fifty thousand voices, goosebumps territory.

Tidy restart from Joe Rogan along the deck to Michelle Obama, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Decisive interception from Michelle Obama who cuts out the opposition's attempt to build from the back. The ball was meant for a striker on the run, but Michelle Obama saw it all. The lawyer hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did.

Oh that's heartbreaking! Rio Malandro FC score right on the stroke of half-time.

Joe Rogan mimes a baseball home run, watches the imaginary ball disappear into imaginary clouds, then jogs round the bases. Benjamin Franklin plays the opposing manager crying on the sideline. Joe Rogan applauds from the centre circle. The home end losing it.

Joe Rogan distributes short to Michelle Obama, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Lovely anticipation from the lawyer who cuts out the opposition pass. In his position, that kind of interception is worth as much as a goal. Michelle Obama picks out Sonic the Hedgehog with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Quick one-two between Sonic the Hedgehog and Erika Kirk, clean as you like, they are moving forward.

Studious atmosphere in the dressing room. The coach has his tablet out, replaying clips: "Look, Rosa Parks, there is acres of space on the overlap and you go back inside every time. Use the width." Rosa Parks takes the note. The game is there for the taking if they can just find the key. Here's one that'll make you smile — Quicksilver spent three hundred quid at a Blackpool arcade trying to win a stuffed monkey from a claw machine. Didn't get it. Went back the next day with another fifty. Still didn't get it. He's 28 and absolutely committed. And now, our TV game show The Masked Commuter! To win a monthly Oyster card and a disapproving stare, text 0800TUBE and answer: 'What is the correct facial expression when someone sits next to you on an empty train?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Joe Rogan is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

The block is holding firm, absolute reinforced concrete stuff. Massive recovery run from Rosa Parks, comes out of nowhere to snuff out the attack! The opponent is bundled over by Rosa Parks. Not much in it, but the whistle goes.

Superb diagonal from the philanthropist to Michelle Obama, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. Aerial duel lost by Michelle Obama, he is beaten to the punch by the attacker. The ball flies over his head. Outrageous stop from Joe Rogan! The striker thought it was in but the keeper said NOPE.

Lightning-quick counter, they've torn up the pitch in six seconds flat. Benjamin Franklin sends the ball crashing off the crossbar! CLAAANG and back it comes! Total frustration. Clearance from the thai boxer towards Barack Obama, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too.

The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. Majestic individual run from Benjamin Franklin, he cuts through the pitch like an arrow. Huge whiff from Benjamin Franklin! Goes to ground and the attacker just walks around him. Embarrassing. It's an early bath for Barack Obama! He fouls the attacker in a last-man situation. Red card, right decision.

GOAL for Rio Malandro FC! Their striker has slotted it home, nothing our keeper could do.

Massive punt from Joe Rogan, sends the ball sixty yards, Erika Kirk is scrapping for it up top. The philanthropist opens up to Rosa Parks on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Overlap from Rosa Parks with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel. The referee pulls play back for a foul by Rosa Parks. Held the opponent back by the arm. The civil rights activist dummies the shot and plays it short. In that position, that ability to read the defence and pick the right option is what separates the great players.

Corner cleared by the defence, the polymath was on set piece duty. In that position, you need to find the timing and the area to beat the defence from these situations. They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. The superhero accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything.

1-1, 2-2, doesn't matter — it's a draw. Rosa Parks shakes the ref's hand on autopilot, already miles away. Anya Forger goes to applaud the travelling support — polite clap back. Nobody's sulking, but nobody's singing either. Simon from Woking says the correct expression is existential despair masked by looking at your phone. Oyster card for Simon! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

1-1 (L)

Sonic the Hedgehog catches the opponent on the ankle, referee blows immediately. Sonic the Hedgehog plays the free kick into the danger zone, Yuki Tsunoda arrives at the penalty spot. What a HEADER from Yuki Tsunoda! The cross from Quicksilver was perfect, he plants the ball into the ground and it is in!

Sonic the Hedgehog weaves through Istanbul Cehennem FK's defenders to reach his own fans, waving his arms to whip up the stand. Every step is chanted. Joe Rogan screams 'COME OOOON!' next to him. World Cup final vibes in a league match.

Gabimaru shifts it to Michelle Obama with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Michelle Obama drives down the flank and puts in an inswinging cross, the ball curves away from the defence and reaches Yuki Tsunoda. What a leap from Yuki Tsunoda! He rises above the lot and wins the header with royal composure. Little shift from Yuki Tsunoda to Sonic the Hedgehog, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up.

Barack Obama puts in a monster defensive effort, runs the length of the pitch to cut out the counter-attack. Barack Obama bodyblocks the runner and kills the momentum. The ref has no choice but to blow. Barack Obama is booked after dragging back the opponent by the collar. Blatant but effective. Barack Obama hits the free kick but it bounces off the wall. Nothing doing. Corner cleared, the philanthropist finds nobody. In that position, you have got to read the defensive setup and adjust your corner accordingly.

Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality. Delicious through ball from Benjamin Franklin, the ball slides in behind the centre-halves and Rosa Parks is there to gobble it up. Rosa Parks just tips offside on the pass from Yuki Tsunoda, the linesman doesn't hesitate. Harsh!

Corner from Quicksilver, attempted dangerous delivery but the defence gets in the way and clears. Barack Obama swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Michelle Obama, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Michelle Obama powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated. Failed! Michelle Obama goes on a dribble but the opposing midfielder wins it back without breaking a sweat. Michelle Obama sees everything, understands everything, and intercepts at the perfect moment. That is the kind of player who makes a team unbeatable.

Erika Kirk sits at the end of the bench, head in hands. Decent first half but nothing special, and for a player of {his} quality, nothing special is not good enough. Gabimaru sits down beside {him}: "Second half, mate. It is coming. Trust me." Erika Kirk nods but does not look up. Anya Forger attempted a Jamie Oliver fifteen-minute meal that took the 28-year-old two and a half hours and resulted in what witnesses described as 'a crime against pasta.' The smoke alarm went off thrice. And now, our TV game show Fifteen to One Complaint! To win a year of free parking at a hospital that charges for parking, text 4345 and answer: 'How much does it cost to park at a British hospital for twenty minutes?' Quicksilver is the last one out of the tunnel, laces done up tight, sleeves rolled up proper. The look on {his} face says everything. Let us get on with it.

The thai boxer throws it out to Erika Kirk, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Erika Kirk spots Benjamin Franklin in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness. Benjamin Franklin rises above the pack and wins the header with ease. He got so high it looked like he had springs in his boots. The polymath boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. Erika Kirk wins the header in a crowded box, he popped up above three players. That man is an aircraft.

The racing driver reads the play and puts in a textbook challenge. That's the sort of awareness you need in that position, and he's delivered it perfectly. Possession flipped in a heartbeat, textbook transition football. Sonic the Hedgehog powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go. The player whips in a classic cross for Gabimaru in the box. When you have got that delivery from the flank, you cause havoc. Gabimaru puts way too much on his cross, it sails over everyone's head.

Short restart from Joe Rogan to Gabimaru, building from the back nice and tidy. The ninja gives it straight to the opposition. That sort of waste is not forgiven at his level. Magnificent tackle from Quicksilver! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Emergency clearance from the superhero, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play.

GOAAAL for Istanbul Cehennem FK! The keeper got a hand to it but couldn't keep it out.

Well spotted by Michelle Obama who cuts out the pass, that is pure anticipation. Michelle Obama links up with Quicksilver, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. The superhero beats the defender with a sharp turn. It is rare to see a player in that position with that kind of pure skill. Looping cross from Quicksilver, it sails over the centre-halves and drops towards Yuki Tsunoda. Danger. Oh no Yuki Tsunoda fluffs his header! The cross from Michelle Obama was inch-perfect but it goes over.

Concrete low block, even set pieces aren't getting through. Absolutely insane recovery run from Michelle Obama, covers the entire pitch to come back and save the day. Brilliant tackle from Michelle Obama! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending.

1-1 and off we go. Joe Rogan hands his shirt to a kid in the front row, the smile comes back a little. Erika Kirk does the same few metres down the line. Not a win, but not a shame either. And the kids couldn't care less — they got a shirt. Ron from Doncaster says it costs roughly the same as a small holiday in Benidorm. Free hospital parking for Ron! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-1 (L)

Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end. Benjamin Franklin puts Erika Kirk into acres with a low ball into space. The defender watches it sail past, helpless. Erika Kirk winds up and FIIIIRES! Placed strike, the ball slides into the bottom corner, OPENING GOAAAAL!

Benjamin Franklin and Yuki Tsunoda do the rehearsed move from the last party: imaginary top hat lift, military salute, spin. Flawless. Joe Rogan arrives late, misses his cue, flubs it spectacularly. The crowd in bits.

Marseille turn from Erika Kirk, he spins on the spot and leaves his man for dead. Pure class. Erika Kirk accelerates and burns past his man on the wing, nobody can keep up! Erika Kirk sends his cross sailing over everyone, Barack Obama cannot even get close to it.

The superhero shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Sonic the Hedgehog. Pure quality, as per usual. Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. Through ball from the community organizer for Benjamin Franklin, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite. Burst of speed from the polymath down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs.

Barack Obama sends an aerial beauty to Yuki Tsunoda, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile. Yuki Tsunoda crushes it in the air, he wins the header with incredible power. The opponent was left flat-footed. Yuki Tsunoda clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. Aerial duel won by Erika Kirk in his own box. He took the lift to the top floor and cleaned up everything. Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking.

Long ball from Joe Rogan for Gabimaru who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy. With one swing of the boot, Gabimaru finds Sonic the Hedgehog on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. It is not happening for Sonic the Hedgehog, the pass to Yuki Tsunoda is weak, half-hearted, and the opponent pounces. The philanthropist hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did.

"Sixty-two percent possession and not a single clear chance. You are passing it around like a game of piggy in the middle!" The gaffer slams the stats sheet on the table. Anya Forger winces. Yuki Tsunoda looks away. Something has got to change and everyone in this room knows it. Club physios had to confiscate Erika Kirk's PlayStation after the 38-year-old stayed up until 4am playing FIFA and turned up to training in his slippers. At 180, he was sleepwalking through drills. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 5566 and answer this question: 'What did the last pigeon to leave Trafalgar Square write in its resignation letter?' Here come the lads. Erika Kirk jogs out at the back of the group, quiet, focused, the game plan clear in {his} head. Time to deliver.

Benjamin Franklin drops a lofted ball to Barack Obama, it sails over the entire midfield line. Wasteful from Barack Obama on that pass, the ball does not arrive. Rosa Parks throws his arms up in frustration. Benjamin Franklin heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one. Yuki Tsunoda rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Quicksilver. The far side is completely deserted.

The squeeze is on, they've got the opposition pinned in their own box. Their midfielder is hounded off the ball, hoofs it into the stands. Anya Forger tears into the opposition build-up, running everywhere, and ends up stealing the ball. That man is a guard dog. The elementary schooler bamboozles his opponent with a feint. That kind of skill in that position completely changes the face of a match.

They've scored! Milano Piano-Piano find the back of the net. Absolute disaster at the back.

Perfect back flip from Joe Rogan right in front of the home end, five-star landing. Erika Kirk tries the same behind him, lands flat on his arse, the whole squad doubled over laughing. Even Joe Rogan has made it up, hands on knees, breathless. Proper scenes.

They've turned defence into attack in one touch, that's vintage stuff. Brilliant pass from Gabimaru! The ball cuts through the defence like a hot knife through butter and Yuki Tsunoda is onto it. BY A WHISKER! Yuki Tsunoda fires and the ball shaves the right post before spinning out. The goal was right there. Joe Rogan plays out from the back with Erika Kirk, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves.

Authoritative clearance from Michelle Obama in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards. We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough. The elementary schooler finds Erika Kirk along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. The philanthropist slides a perfect cut-back for Gabimaru in the box. When you have got that vision from the flank, you are world class. Gabimaru just had to stick a foot out, open goal, inch-perfect service from Erika Kirk... and he puts it anywhere but the net. Devastating.

Give and go from the civil rights activist with Benjamin Franklin, the block is pierced. In his position, that kind of combination is worth its weight in gold. Line-breaking pass from Rosa Parks! The ball slices through the centre-halves and Erika Kirk picks it up at full pace. Devastating. The philanthropist is caught offside by millimetres on Barack Obama's pass, what a cruel call. Long kick from Joe Rogan, Barack Obama positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Enormous leap from the community organizer who wins the header. In that role, a player who wins his aerial duels like that is an insurance policy.

1-1. Rosa Parks and Michelle Obama are the last two off the pitch, as ever. The stadium is nearly empty, a groundsman is starting to fold up the advertising boards. "Next time," says Rosa Parks. "Next time," replies Michelle Obama. And they vanish into the tunnel. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Reginald Flump, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What did the last pigeon to leave Trafalgar Square write in its resignation letter?'. The answer was of course 'I can no longer work in these conditions, the tourists are unbearable and Nelson never says thank you'. Reginald wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-1 (L)

Good ball from the philanthropist to Michelle Obama, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Michelle Obama nicks the ball off the opposition forty yards from goal. The pressing intensity is suffocating for the defence. GOOOOOAL! Michelle Obama lets his technique do the talking, he curls it on the pass from Erika Kirk and the ball nestles in the corner!

Erika Kirk kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Yuki Tsunoda takes a knee behind him. Joe Rogan raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Michelle Obama launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. Acceleration from Gabimaru down the side, he takes the space behind the full-back. It is a motorway.

They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. Anya Forger spots Yuki Tsunoda peeling off and sends a ball in behind the full-back. The space is massive.

Yuki Tsunoda anticipates the pass and intercepts cleanly. The opposition midfielder thought he had found the gap, but it was a trap. Long ball from Yuki Tsunoda to Barack Obama, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. Devastating burst of pace from Barack Obama, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank. Poor cross from Barack Obama, the ball sails three yards over the head of Rosa Parks. Wasteful. Clearance from Anya Forger under pressure, the ball flies into touch on the far side. It is not in the coaching manual but it works.

Yuki Tsunoda cuts out the opposition's build-up with a perfectly timed interception. The kind of player who plays chess while everyone else plays draughts. Yuki Tsunoda plays it into the channel for Anya Forger, the defensive line is split clean in two. That is pure filth. Overlap from Anya Forger on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed. Right-footed cross from Anya Forger, the ball bends beautifully into the box and seeks out Benjamin Franklin. The thai boxer gathers the ball in his zone. In that position, knowing how to come out and claim a cross is as valuable as a reflex save.

Quicksilver rips off {his} boots and flings them into the locker with a clatter. Rosa Parks glances over but says nothing. It is goalless and the frustration is eating everyone alive. The gaffer paces the room like a caged animal. "I need more from you lot. Much more. That was like watching paint dry out there." Yuki Tsunoda attempted a Jamie Oliver fifteen-minute meal that took the 26-year-old two and a half hours and resulted in what witnesses described as 'a crime against pasta.' The smoke alarm went off thrice. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 8899 and answer this question: 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?' Michelle Obama trots out with a fresh shirt and a look that could curdle milk. Whatever happened in that dressing room has put fire in {his} belly.

We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. Momentum is a funny thing in football, and it's firmly in their corner. The community organizer spots the run and threads a beauty in behind the defence for Yuki Tsunoda. That is exactly why he is out there. Overlap from the racing driver with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy.

GOAL! Sevilla Olé-Olé have done the damage! Their number nine wheeled away in celebration.

Sonic the Hedgehog sends the free kick in front of goal, Barack Obama leaps to try the header. Magnificent leap from Barack Obama who dominates the aerial duel. When he takes off like that, nobody stands a chance. The community organizer has a crack and FIIIIRES! On target but the keeper saves. In that position, you've got to be brave enough to shoot and he absolutely was.

The community organizer legs it all the way back and cuts out the attack. That kind of sacrifice in that position is what wins you matches. Nasty little foul from Barack Obama, he takes out the legs from under the runner. Barack Obama goes into the book for pulling back the opponent on the counter. Pragmatic to the bone. The wall blocks the community organizer's free kick! In that position, it's FRUSTRATING but the best ones adjust and eventually find a way through. The corner from Quicksilver is cut out at the near post by a defender, no danger.

Massive clearance from the racing driver under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. Raking ball from the player to Erika Kirk, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. Powerful run from Erika Kirk down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there. Erika Kirk crosses into thin air, nobody at the end of it. That is a waste of possession. The thai boxer finds Erika Kirk with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops.

Short free kick from the polymath, clever stuff! In that position, mixing up direct shots and combinations is the key to troubling any defence. The racing driver gets to the byline and floats one in for Rosa Parks. Crossing is his bread and butter. What a claim from Joe Rogan! He gathers the ball in both hands above the heads of the attackers. Beautiful.

A draw — that grey zone. Benjamin Franklin signs autographs on his way off, a kid hands him a scuffed old ball. Yuki Tsunoda adds his signature. Kids don't see draws the way grown-ups do. To them it's still magic. That puts things in perspective. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Keith Drizzleton, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?'. The answer was of course 4.7 kilonewtons, enough to demolish a conversation but not enough to get served at the bar. Keith wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-3 (L)

Sonic the Hedgehog sprints at the defender and pinches the ball right off his toes. Aggressive pressing, decisive recovery. The player aims with surgical precision on the pass from Quicksilver! In that position, knowing how to place a ball like that, you become a nightmare for keepers. GOAL!

Sonic the Hedgehog stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Anya Forger comes over and hugs him without a word.

Barack Obama produces a sensational tackle in the box, wins the ball, no penalty shout. That takes serious courage. Barack Obama gifts Michelle Obama a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal. OH NO! Michelle Obama is offside by half a yard at most, Sonic the Hedgehog's ball in behind was superb.

Clearance from the thai boxer towards Barack Obama, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Quick one-two between Barack Obama and Gabimaru, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Gabimaru hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust. Gabimaru chips his ball over the centre-backs for Yuki Tsunoda, the timing is absolutely perfect.

Yuki Tsunoda heads the corner from Benjamin Franklin at the back post, it goes wide. Close but not close enough. Emergency clearance from the civil rights activist, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play. Yuki Tsunoda wins it in the air with terrifying ease. The opponent just got a masterclass in aerial dominance. Lovely quick transition, but the final decision-making is terrible.

Oh it's gone in! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

Joe Rogan runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Anya Forger gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

"You are having a laugh, aren't you?" The gaffer's voice drips with sarcasm. "Honestly, I thought I was watching a different team out there. Joe Rogan, you have barely touched the ball. Yuki Tsunoda, you have given it away six times. SIX TIMES. We are getting absolutely battered and you lot look like you could not care less." You won't believe this, but Erika Kirk has been collecting Tesco Clubcard points since he was fourteen years old. Word in the dressing room is he's sitting on over two million points and still won't spend them. Saving up for a caravan in Skegness, apparently. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 6688 and answer this question: 'What speed does a rumour travel through a Wetherspoons?' And the second half is go! Joe Rogan charges forward from kick-off like a man possessed. The gaffer watches from the technical area, arms folded. Let us see what happens.

The corner from the player is cleared with ease. In that position, when the defence keeps heading it away, it is time to change the game plan on corners. Sonic the Hedgehog intercepts in the danger zone, he read the opposition's combination as if he had the match script in his back pocket. Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z.

GOAAAL! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein score! That's a hammer blow, the fans are stunned into silence.

Joe Rogan does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Yuki Tsunoda launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Joe Rogan arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

Dangerous delivery from the polymath on the free kick! In that position, knowing where to put the ball in the box is an asset that is worth its weight in gold. Sonic the Hedgehog climbs above everyone and powers a header... wide. What a waste. The community organizer hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did. Huge aerial duel won by Michelle Obama, he jumped so high he could have caught a passing plane.

Quicksilver shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for Gabimaru. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces. The ninja lets fly and it's wide. Flirted with the frame though. In that position, with a tiny bit more precision that's going in. Joe Rogan smashes a volley towards Michelle Obama, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Michelle Obama unleashes a raking ball out to Anya Forger, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Enormous leap from Anya Forger who wins his aerial duel with authority. The ball is headed clear, no arguments.

Broken at speed, the lads have bombed forward like their lives depend on it. Burst of pace from Anya Forger on the wing, the full-back cannot live with that speed. The elementary schooler lays it off first time to Gabimaru, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre.

Superb defensive work from Rosa Parks there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! Rosa Parks decides to do it all himself, he eats up the ground and wipes out everything in his path. Ball into space from the civil rights activist for Barack Obama, the channel is wide open. When you have got that kind of vision, you cause damage.

Oh dear, München Ordnung-Muss-Sein have gone and scored. The defence was all over the place.

High recovery from Benjamin Franklin, he ran himself into the ground to go and win that ball. The defender never saw him coming. Benjamin Franklin feeds Gabimaru in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Wall pass between the ninja and Rosa Parks, the combination is crystal clear. That is exactly why he plays there.

Sonic the Hedgehog is first into the dressing room, boots off before the door even shuts. He sits in front of his locker and doesn't move for five solid minutes. Benjamin Franklin sits three spaces down, equally silent. The manager lets the quiet do the talking before his debrief. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Derek Blandford-Tepid, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What speed does a rumour travel through a Wetherspoons?'. The answer was of course faster than light but slower than the service, which is technically impossible but somehow true. Derek wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

1-2 (L)

Monumental blunder from the thai boxer! When you are in that position, you do not have the right to make mistakes, and that is the worst of them all. The elementary schooler pops up in the right place on the cross from Gabimaru! In that position, that kind of presence in the box is what turns you into a goalscorer. GOAL!

The community organizer starts a one-two with Yuki Tsunoda, give and go. In that position it is the basics, but he does it with outrageous class. Barack Obama puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins. The community organizer rolls it back along the ground for Rosa Parks. The kind of ball that tears defensive lines apart in the big matches.

Erika Kirk anticipates the run from Rosa Parks and fires a low missile in behind the defence. Perfect connection. Shot from Rosa Parks, it's wide! Flirted with the post, missing by millimetres. A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all. Gorgeous crossfield ball from Erika Kirk to Yuki Tsunoda, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow.

Gabimaru lights the fuse with a cutting pass for Barack Obama down the channel. The defence is caught cold, it is over for them. Burst of speed from the community organizer down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs. The community organizer goes to ground but the attacker just breezes past. In that position, you've got to stay on your feet longer before committing. Michelle Obama sees red for denying a goal-scoring opportunity. He was the last defender and he knew exactly what he was doing.

The superhero overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon. PENALTY! The defender brings Quicksilver down in the box with a CLUMSY tackle! The referee blows immediately. The match could pivot on this very MOMENT! OH NO! Quicksilver puts the penalty wide! That's terrible, he's collapsed on the pitch.

Tea cups everywhere. The gaffer has launched the lot. There is PG Tips running down the wall and broken ceramic on the floor. "That," he says, pointing at the mess, "is what our defensive shape looks like right now. An absolute disaster." Joe Rogan stares at the carnage. Sonic the Hedgehog swallows hard. Nobody disagrees. Michelle Obama is a known charity shop addict who once found a vintage Gazza shirt in an Oxfam for three quid. The 62-year-old wore it under the kit for six straight matches as a lucky charm. And now, our TV game show Taskmaster of the Obvious! To win a laminated bus timetable from 2019, text 4678 and answer: 'How early should you arrive at a bus stop to guarantee the bus has already left?' Forty-five minutes left on the clock. Michelle Obama knows it, the fans know it, even the bloke selling pies behind the away end knows it. This is where it matters.

Oh that's poor! London Three-Pints score from a set piece. We switched off completely.

The player floats his free kick into the danger zone. In that position, that quality of delivery from dead balls is an absolute weapon. Michelle Obama launches himself and thumps a dominant header on the cross. The opponent was still on the ground while Michelle Obama was flying. Michelle Obama clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football.

Rosa Parks plays the simple ball to Quicksilver, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Short pass from the superhero to Michelle Obama, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Poor decision from Michelle Obama on that pass, it is completely telegraphed and the opposition reads it. Quicksilver shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class.

They've done it! London Three-Pints find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Ball recovered and they've gone from end to end in the blink of an eye. Gabimaru unleashes a fierce drive, it's GOIIIIING... wide. Clips the post on the way out though. Joe Rogan lumps it long towards Rosa Parks, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. Incredible burst of pace from Rosa Parks, he eats up the ground in just a few strides.

The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. They're turning this into a siege, the keeper's going to be busy. Michelle Obama pierces the backline with a low through ball, Anya Forger latches onto it at full tilt. Magnificent. Anya Forger picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train.

Anya Forger opens up to Quicksilver on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Superb leap from Quicksilver who wins the aerial duel hands down. The opposition striker can only watch from below. Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart. OHHH what a strike from Sonic the Hedgehog! On target, thundering towards goal but the keeper stands firm. Huge save.

Defeat against London Three-Pints. Anya Forger fronts up to the media: "Not good enough. My fault as much as anyone's." Short, honest, painful. Quicksilver waits for him outside the press room. They walk to the car park together. The floodlights click off behind them. Leonard from Barnsley says fifteen minutes early guarantees the bus left fourteen minutes ago. Laminated timetable for Leonard! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.