My dream football team — football_team 🇬🇧

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-0 (W)

The ref blows up! Julián Alvarez's shot is blocked by an arm in the box. Penalty, and you can't argue with that one. GOOOOAL from Ernest Nuamah! ICE COLD penalty, he places it left, the keeper goes right. Total composure!

Julián Alvarez climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Ernest Nuamah films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Konrad Laimer intercepts the ball, he was a step ahead of everyone on the pitch. Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. WIIIIIDE! Warren Zaïre-Emery put plenty on it but the ball slides just past the frame of the goal.

Pau Cubarsí jumps too early and comes back down before the ball arrives, the opponent profits and wins the duel. Gianluigi Donnarumma parries it back into the middle, that is dangerous! Pau Cubarsí launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty.

Dean Huijsen throws himself into the passing lane and comes away with the ball. Phenomenal reading of the game. Short build-up from Dean Huijsen to Warren Zaïre-Emery, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Warren Zaïre-Emery sends the defender the wrong way with a stepover, that is technically brutal. Warren Zaïre-Emery fires a powerful cross into the danger zone, Michel Adopo throws himself at it. It is heating up in the box. Header from Michel Adopo, it flies just past the post, he had to hit the target there.

Gianluigi Donnarumma sparks the transition with a quick throw to Warren Zaïre-Emery, the break is lightning fast. Warren Zaïre-Emery launches himself and thumps a dominant header on the cross. The opponent was still on the ground while Warren Zaïre-Emery was flying. Lightning overlap from Warren Zaïre-Emery, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides. Perfect pull-back from Warren Zaïre-Emery, Ernest Nuamah receives it facing goal inside the area. Dream scenario. Gianluigi Donnarumma palms the ball away with a firm hand. Corner. The attacker cannot believe it.

The physio announces the GPS stats: "Gianluigi Donnarumma has covered seven kilometres already." Michel Adopo shouts: "That is because {he} has been chasing their winger all half!" Gianluigi Donnarumma fires back: "At least I caught him, unlike you last week." Laughter all round. The gaffer taps the board. "Focus, lads. Same energy second half." Here's one for the ages — Gianluigi Donnarumma is the reigning champion of the dressing room biscuit dunking competition. His record is a full eleven-second dunk with a digestive. No breakage. At 196, his hand-to-mug coordination is genuinely world class. And now, our TV game show Only Fools and Quizzes! To win a genuine Reliant Robin air freshener, text 3678 and answer: 'In which year did Del Boy last say this time next year we will be millionaires and actually mean it?' The tunnel spits the players back onto the pitch one by one. Gianluigi Donnarumma comes out with that walk. You know the one. Shoulders back, chest out. Something has clicked.

Thomas Müller goes all in with the tackle but comes away with nothing but thin air. Gianluigi Donnarumma parries it weakly into the middle, the attacker is a whisker from opening the scoring! Konrad Laimer clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched.

Nuno Mendes with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! Nuno Mendes to Julián Alvarez, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages. Pass, pass, pass, back to the keeper... same old script.

The bench is screaming, the fans roaring, one last massive push. The keeper is up, Gianluigi Donnarumma getting ready to meet the corner with his head. Pau Cubarsí wins his duel in the air and heads it down for Dean Huijsen. Aerial dominance in the service of the team. Pau Cubarsí links up with Thomas Müller, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up.

The corner from Michel Adopo is snuffed out by the defence, a defender clears at the near post. Nuno Mendes clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep.

Monster clearance from Pau Cubarsí! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. Rolling forward like a freight train, the opposition are hanging on. Warren Zaïre-Emery curls a cross to the near post, Nuno Mendes is lurking in the box.

GET IN THERE! Gianluigi Donnarumma slides on his knees across the wet turf, Dean Huijsen piles on top, and suddenly half the squad is in a heap. The physio's already panicking about someone's hamstring. Paris Saint-Glinglin can only watch. That's what it means to this lot. Terry from Peckham says Del Boy has never once meant it and that's the beauty of it all. Enjoy the Reliant Robin air freshener, Terry! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

2-1 (W)

Concrete low block, even set pieces aren't getting through. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. Michel Adopo winds up and SMASHES it! The ball flies like a rocket and ends up smack in the goal. INCREDIBLE!

Michel Adopo does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Ernest Nuamah launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Gianluigi Donnarumma arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

Warren Zaïre-Emery sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. Warren Zaïre-Emery dinks his cross over the centre-halves, Nuno Mendes arrives at full pace behind them. GOOOOAL! Nuno Mendes places his header from the cross by Julián Alvarez, immaculate!

Sideways, backwards, sideways again, the crowd is getting restless. The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. Konrad Laimer sends an aerial beauty to Ernest Nuamah, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile.

Delicious through ball from Thomas Müller, the ball slides in behind the centre-halves and Ernest Nuamah is there to gobble it up. Ernest Nuamah drifts just offside as Thomas Müller plays the pass, the flag goes up. Agonising! A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent. Good ball from Pau Cubarsí to Konrad Laimer, playing it quick between the lines.

Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. Michel Adopo threads the needle between the two centre-backs, Ernest Nuamah bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. OHHH what a strike from Ernest Nuamah! On target, thundering towards goal but the keeper stands firm. Huge save. Ernest Nuamah takes the corner but the opposition defence is well organized, cleared.

Nuno Mendes is planning the celebration already. "If I score in the second half, I am doing the knee slide right in front of their lot," {he} tells Dean Huijsen, who replies: "Last time you tried that you pulled your hamstring." The dressing room erupts. The gaffer shakes his head. "Just score the goal, we will worry about the celebration later." In a baffling move, Dean Huijsen adopted a tortoise named Gary Lineker. At 21, the footballer insists Gary brings calm to the household, despite the tortoise doing absolutely nothing at all times. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 3737 and answer this question: 'What is the pH level of a Greggs steak bake?' And we are back underway! Thomas Müller jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

Perfectly executed challenge by Nuno Mendes, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb. Phenomenal run from Nuno Mendes, he cuts through the midfield like a hot knife through butter.

Intelligent short corner from Lennart Karl to Nuno Mendes, they refuse the aerial cross. Perfect cut-back from Nuno Mendes, Ernest Nuamah receives it on the deck in acres of space. Dream scenario. NOOOOO Ernest Nuamah! The goal was empty, Pau Cubarsí puts it on his foot and he blazes it over the bar! A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all.

What a block! Pau Cubarsí slides in with impeccable timing and takes the ball away. That's defending at its finest. Pau Cubarsí slides a beauty through the gap, Ernest Nuamah is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. Ernest Nuamah goes for it and fires! Wide, just to the left of goal. Not far off at all. We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough.

Absolutely dreadful! México No-Era-Penal score and we have only ourselves to blame.

Gianluigi Donnarumma runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Konrad Laimer joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. Pau Cubarsí puts Ernest Nuamah into orbit with a laser-guided through ball. The kind of pass that lifts an entire stadium to its feet. Ernest Nuamah wants to find Michel Adopo between the lines but the weight is all wrong. Intercepted.

Free kick played short, Warren Zaïre-Emery to Ernest Nuamah, they bypass the wall with the combination. Ernest Nuamah shifts it to Thomas Müller with a short pass, threading it between two defenders.

What a performance! Nuno Mendes exchanges jerseys with the México No-Era-Penal skipper — firm handshake, quiet word, respect between competitors. Then he turns and unleashes a primal scream at the sky. Gianluigi Donnarumma just laughs. "He does that every time we win," he tells the camera. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Colin Flannel-Trousers, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the pH level of a Greggs steak bake?'. The answer was of course off the scale entirely, scientists refuse to measure it on moral grounds. Colin wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

3-2 (W)

Oh no, Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score! Their forward was left completely unmarked, schoolboy defending.

Gianluigi Donnarumma legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Warren Zaïre-Emery tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Warren Zaïre-Emery presses high and the defender loses the ball under pressure. It is simple, it is effective, it is intensity football. Sharp cut inside from Warren Zaïre-Emery, the defender is left rooted to the spot. That is nasty. GOOOOAL from Warren Zaïre-Emery! On the inswinging cross from Ernest Nuamah, he places his shot along the ground and the ball is in!

Perfect back flip from Warren Zaïre-Emery right in front of the home end, five-star landing. Pau Cubarsí tries the same behind him, lands flat on his arse, the whole squad doubled over laughing. Even Gianluigi Donnarumma has made it up, hands on knees, breathless. Proper scenes.

Clinical interception from Nuno Mendes, he cuts out the pass between the opposition lines and breaks forward on the counter. The crowd loves it, and rightly so. Key pass from Nuno Mendes! It fizzes between the lines and Dean Huijsen collects on the run, the defence is left for dead. GOOOAL! Dean Huijsen sneaks in front of the keeper and diverts the ball with the tip of his boot. No keeper can do better!

Nuno Mendes rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Pau Cubarsí jumps on his back, Gianluigi Donnarumma is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

They've done it! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Gianluigi Donnarumma points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. Pau Cubarsí comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

Every player defending like their life depends on it, the block stands firm. Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. GOOOOOAL! Julián Alvarez places it inside the post from the cross by Warren Zaïre-Emery, the keeper was well positioned but had no chance!

Julián Alvarez mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Michel Adopo plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Gianluigi Donnarumma plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

Michel Adopo is telling anyone who will listen about the nutmeg {he} put on their centre-half. "Did you see his face? Mate, he looked like he had seen a ghost!" Julián Alvarez adds: "The poor lad is probably still turning." The gaffer lets the banter flow. Happy dressing room, happy results. Roommates on away trips confirm Nuno Mendes sleepwalks to the hotel minibar and eats all the Pringles unconsciously. At 24, the lad has no memory of it and denies the crumb evidence every single time. And now, our TV game show Homes Under the Hammer Price! To win a doorknob from a house that needed a lot of work, text 0800FIXER and answer: 'What does a lot of potential mean in estate agent language?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Michel Adopo high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

Last roll of the dice, legs are gone but the belief is still there. Right-footed cross from Warren Zaïre-Emery, the ball bends beautifully into the box and seeks out Ernest Nuamah. Ernest Nuamah crosses too far from the target, the ball drifts towards the opposite touchline. Authoritative clearance from Konrad Laimer in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards.

The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. Clumsy challenge from Warren Zaïre-Emery, stands on the opponent's foot. Unintentional but still a foul. Warren Zaïre-Emery pretends to strike and lays it off to Ernest Nuamah, well worked short free kick. Ernest Nuamah takes on his man with a sharp turn, one touch and it is done. Clean. JUST WIIIIIDE from Ernest Nuamah! Right idea but it slides past the far post by inches.

Crunching tackle by Konrad Laimer on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it. Konrad Laimer picks out Dean Huijsen with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Dean Huijsen eliminates his opponent with a short piece of skill, absolutely surgical. Dean Huijsen pulls the opponent back as he tries to break. Cynical but necessary. Dean Huijsen finally goes into the book. Third foul, the ref had enough of it.

Intense pressing, the defender panics and lumps it anywhere. Lovely interception from Dean Huijsen, he anticipated the movement and cut off the pass before it reached its target. Dean Huijsen opens up to Nuno Mendes on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Textbook tackle from Nuno Mendes there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted.

Tackle miles off from Thomas Müller, absolutely done in by the attacker's quick feet. Gianluigi Donnarumma grazes the leather with his fingertips and turns it over! World class goalkeeping. The corner from Nuno Mendes is met by a defender who volleys it out for a throw-in.

Quick exchange between Konrad Laimer and Julián Alvarez, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Julián Alvarez spots the gap and sends Warren Zaïre-Emery into it with a perfectly weighted pass. The channel is wide open. Warren Zaïre-Emery sets it for Konrad Laimer, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Konrad Laimer slips Dean Huijsen in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever.

Nuno Mendes lights the fuse with a cutting pass for Dean Huijsen down the channel. The defence is caught cold, it is over for them. Flag up! Dean Huijsen was beyond the last man when Konrad Laimer released the pass. Thomas Müller scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive.

It's over and we've won it! Michel Adopo grabs the corner flag and plants it at the centre spot like he's claiming new territory. Ernest Nuamah pretends to salute. The fans are in absolute stitches. The manager pretends to be annoyed but you can see him smirking. Top, top scenes. Pauline from Wakefield says a lot of potential means the roof is missing and there may be foxes living in the bathroom. Doorknob for Pauline! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

2-1 (W)

Beautiful distribution from Gianluigi Donnarumma to Konrad Laimer, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. The opponent beats Konrad Laimer to the near post and wins the header. Konrad Laimer was caught on his heels. What a DOWNWARD header from Pau Cubarsí! Sumptuous header on the cross from Julián Alvarez, the ball dies in the bottom corner. GOAL!

Gianluigi Donnarumma stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Dean Huijsen comes over and hugs him without a word.

Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Ernest Nuamah reads the movement from Warren Zaïre-Emery and puts the ball right into the pocket of space. Game intelligence off the charts. OHHH the GOAL from Warren Zaïre-Emery! On the gift from Julián Alvarez, he opens up his foot and sends the ball to the far post. SUMPTUOUS!

Ernest Nuamah stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Nuno Mendes follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Gianluigi Donnarumma plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end. Warren Zaïre-Emery shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for Ernest Nuamah. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces. Ernest Nuamah looks for Konrad Laimer but the pass is way too long, that is going out for a throw-in.

Rapid break, the defenders are still trying to find their marks. Lennart Karl hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust. Lennart Karl loses the ball trying to dribble, the defender was the smarter of the two. Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered.

It's a goal for Dakar Teranga FC! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

The gaffer strolls into the dressing room with a grin wider than the Stretford End. Ernest Nuamah is sprawled on the bench like {he} just won the pools. "More of the same, lads, more of the same," says the boss, tapping the tactics board once for emphasis. Someone chucks a towel at Thomas Müller and the whole room erupts. Proper buzzing in here. We can confirm that Gianluigi Donnarumma owns a caravan called 'The Palace' which is parked permanently in a field near Whitby. It has no running water, a portable telly, and a signed photo of Peter Crouch. At 196, he can barely stand up inside it. And now, our TV game show Tipping Pointless! To win a B&Q gift card worth exactly one paintbrush, text 0800DIY and answer: 'How many trips to B&Q does it take to finish a single shelf?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Nuno Mendes leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Lennart Karl launches it to Warren Zaïre-Emery on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality. What a ball from Konrad Laimer! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and Ernest Nuamah is away on his own. That is velvet. Ernest Nuamah bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket.

Thomas Müller triggers a change of flanks for Ernest Nuamah, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Aerial duel won by Ernest Nuamah, he outmuscles his opponent in the air. Aerial power is his bread and butter. Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end. SHOOOOOT from Thomas Müller, it's heading for the corner but the keeper gets across and tips it wide!

Free kick from Michel Adopo played as a cross, Warren Zaïre-Emery positions himself at the far post. Aerial duel lost by Warren Zaïre-Emery, he misjudged the flight of the ball and the opponent pounced. COLOSSAL save from Gianluigi Donnarumma! The keeper reacted in a split second on that thunderbolt.

Rapid combination: Julián Alvarez to Lennart Karl, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Lennart Karl spreads the play and finds Michel Adopo in a motorway on the left flank. The defence is stretched thin. Michel Adopo plays it simple to Ernest Nuamah, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Ernest Nuamah puts it right into the feet of Julián Alvarez, one touch and away. Silky stuff.

Michel Adopo spreads it to Dean Huijsen, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Dean Huijsen tries the power drive and BOOOOM! On target but the keeper gets down and blocks. Saved! Corner from Dean Huijsen, good delivery but the defence reads it well and clears.

Gianluigi Donnarumma launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Konrad Laimer after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. One touch football: Konrad Laimer to Julián Alvarez, faster than the opposition can think. Julián Alvarez gifts Nuno Mendes a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal.

Get in! Konrad Laimer and Michel Adopo do the customary shirt swap with a couple of Dakar Teranga FC players — handshakes, mutual respect, the lot. Then Konrad Laimer turns to the home end and cups his ears. The roar nearly takes the roof off. Pub's gonna be lively tonight. Steve from Sunderland says at least seven trips and that's before you realize you bought the wrong screws. The gift card is his! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

2-2 (L)

Blistering solo run from Julián Alvarez, he covers sixty yards on his own, beating three defenders. PENALTY for Julián Alvarez! He enters the box, the defender brings him down and the referee points to the spot! No DOUBT about it, it is a penalty. The pressure is ENORMOUS. GOOOAL! Julián Alvarez sends the penalty in with a POWERFUL and PRECISE strike! The keeper was beaten. CONVERTED!

Julián Alvarez legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Thomas Müller tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Ball recovered and they've gone from end to end in the blink of an eye. Ernest Nuamah finds the gap and serves Thomas Müller in behind the last man. That is three-cushion snooker, that is. Delicate lob from Thomas Müller, the ball floats over the keeper and dies in the back of the net. ABSOLUTE class, that is Panenka in open play.

Warren Zaïre-Emery does not fancy the shot and goes short to Konrad Laimer, trying to disorganise the defence. Konrad Laimer beats his man with a sharp outside cut, the skill is absolutely effortless. Konrad Laimer rolls it to Julián Alvarez, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. The one-two between Julián Alvarez and Lennart Karl blows the defensive block apart. Give, run, return, done. Clinical.

Oh it's gone in! Douala Makossa-Corner find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

'I told you so' mode. Gianluigi Donnarumma eyeballs the Douala Makossa-Corner bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Ernest Nuamah pulls Gianluigi Donnarumma away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking. Michel Adopo takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race. Lob from Michel Adopo over the entire defence, Nuno Mendes finds himself in acres of space. Everything is on. Lovely take from Gianluigi Donnarumma! He comes off his line and claims the cross, clean as a whistle. Short restart from Gianluigi Donnarumma to Konrad Laimer, building from the back nice and tidy.

Tactical debate in the corner. Dean Huijsen wants to push higher. Julián Alvarez reckons they will get done on the counter. The gaffer listens to both, arms folded, then makes the call: "We push up. Julián Alvarez, you cover. If they break, you are the last man. No arguments." The room goes quiet. Orders received. A cracking detail — Dean Huijsen, standing at 197, once tried to fix a leaky tap in the dressing room and flooded the entire physio area. He blamed the water pressure, which is the most British excuse anyone has ever given for anything. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 9494 and answer this question: 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Michel Adopo is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Michel Adopo delivers a tidy ball to Thomas Müller, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Strike from Thomas Müller that thuds into the defensive wall. The defender threw himself in without fear. Dean Huijsen sends the corner in but a defender gets there first and heads it out for a throw. Pau Cubarsí absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime.

Firm pass from Julián Alvarez into Dean Huijsen, right into the boots. No waste. Dean Huijsen turns the game on its head with one razor-sharp pass for Pau Cubarsí. The defence did not even have time to blink. Offside against Pau Cubarsí! But that is so tight it's almost criminal! Warren Zaïre-Emery is beside himself. Tidy restart from Gianluigi Donnarumma along the deck to Dean Huijsen, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Dean Huijsen shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class.

Ernest Nuamah chips his cross over the back line, Konrad Laimer is at the far post, free as a bird. Konrad Laimer goes for goal of the season with the volley and it flies over. The stadium applauds anyway, that was special. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions.

Thomas Müller finds Konrad Laimer between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Konrad Laimer switches the play to Dean Huijsen on the far side, superb crossfield ball! Dean Huijsen dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution. Dean Huijsen goes into bullet-train mode and drives the length of the pitch. That is breathtaking.

Intense pressing from Ernest Nuamah, he wins the ball back thirty yards from goal. Ernest Nuamah shakes off the defender with a sharp cut, the path is clear. SHOOOOT from Ernest Nuamah... just wide! Shaves the post, so close to going in.

GOAL! Douala Makossa-Corner have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

'I told you so' mode. Gianluigi Donnarumma eyeballs the Douala Makossa-Corner bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Ernest Nuamah pulls Gianluigi Donnarumma away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

That is a tackle of the highest order from Nuno Mendes. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic. What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. What a hit from Julián Alvarez! Absolute ROCKEEEET, on target but the keeper somehow claws it away!

Draw. Julián Alvarez takes the time to shake every Douala Makossa-Corner player's hand, one by one — old habit, old manners. Thomas Müller follows suit. The screens show the stats: possession 50, shots on target 4 each. Perfect mirror. Neither side deserved more. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?'. The answer was of course 900 degrees Celsius, which is why the British stare at the floor numbers with such intensity. Maureen wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

2-2 (L)

Julián Alvarez plays the simple ball to Pau Cubarsí, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Pau Cubarsí pulls it back along the ground for Julián Alvarez, that is the perfect cut-back! GOOOOOAL for Julián Alvarez! On the genius pass from Michel Adopo, he beats the keeper with a placed finish, MAGNIFICENT!

Julián Alvarez climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Thomas Müller films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Step-overs from Warren Zaïre-Emery followed by an explosion of pace, the defender buys the feint and eats the dust. Warren Zaïre-Emery treats himself! He beats half the opposition team and finishes on his own, GOAL!

Warren Zaïre-Emery stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Michel Adopo comes over and hugs him without a word.

Michel Adopo delivers an inswinging free kick, Julián Alvarez at the back post tries to get on the end of it. Header from Julián Alvarez, he did everything right except the finish! It goes wide, the keeper thanks the woodwork. Ernest Nuamah hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! Dean Huijsen wins his aerial duel with fierce determination, he outmuscles the attacker and comes away with possession.

Defensive organization is perfect, the opposition hits a brick wall. Brilliant tackle from Nuno Mendes! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending. Little shift from Nuno Mendes to Warren Zaïre-Emery, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Ball over the top from Warren Zaïre-Emery, Michel Adopo had timed the run half a second early and the timing is perfection.

We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. The ball pings around but the defenders are barely breaking sweat. Thomas Müller gives it to Lennart Karl into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. It falls apart for Lennart Karl, the pass goes the wrong way entirely, the opponent recovers and starts again.

"Sixty-two percent possession and not a single clear chance. You are passing it around like a game of piggy in the middle!" The gaffer slams the stats sheet on the table. Gianluigi Donnarumma winces. Konrad Laimer looks away. Something has got to change and everyone in this room knows it. Warren Zaïre-Emery once tweeted 'rate my Sunday roast' and the entire internet destroyed the 20-year-old for putting the Yorkshire puddings on a separate plate. The tweet was deleted within eleven minutes. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 5555 and answer this question: 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Michel Adopo sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

Pau Cubarsí produces a sensational tackle in the box, wins the ball, no penalty shout. That takes serious courage. Fast break, one-touch football, they've cut them to ribbons. Warren Zaïre-Emery powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated. Warren Zaïre-Emery floats a cross in from the wing for Konrad Laimer, the ball hangs in the box!

Oh that's terrible! Lagos No-Carry-Last score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

Lennart Karl changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Nuno Mendes. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Magnificent leap from Nuno Mendes who dominates the aerial duel. When he takes off like that, nobody stands a chance. They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. Michel Adopo picks it up and goes coast to coast like a man possessed. Nobody is stopping him.

Michel Adopo delivers, it's a scramble! The ball ricochets off shins and heads, defense finally boots it away! Ernest Nuamah hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match. Groans from the stands, this possession is going nowhere. Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill. They've grabbed the game by the scruff of the neck now.

Gianluigi Donnarumma throws it out quickly to Julián Alvarez, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Diagonal from Julián Alvarez to Warren Zaïre-Emery, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Good run from Warren Zaïre-Emery who crosses to the near post for Nuno Mendes. The defender is beaten to it.

GOAL! Lagos No-Carry-Last have netted! Their forward pounced on the loose ball. Clinical.

Gianluigi Donnarumma runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Thomas Müller joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

The corner from Ernest Nuamah is claimed by a defender at the near post, nothing comes of it. Pau Cubarsí heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one. Pau Cubarsí looks up and launches a long pass towards Dean Huijsen. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Lay-off from Dean Huijsen to Ernest Nuamah, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Fantastic high recovery from Ernest Nuamah, he sprinted twenty yards to go and rip the ball away. The effort is immense.

1-1. Julián Alvarez and Ernest Nuamah are the last two off the pitch, as ever. The stadium is nearly empty, a groundsman is starting to fold up the advertising boards. "Next time," says Julián Alvarez. "Next time," replies Ernest Nuamah. And they vanish into the tunnel. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Gerald Musty-Carpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?'. The answer was of course the M42, originally called the Badger's Lament until the council shortened it. Gerald wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

3-2 (W)

Julián Alvarez tears into the opposition build-up, running everywhere, and ends up stealing the ball. That man is a guard dog. Julián Alvarez follows up the play perfectly on the strike from Warren Zaïre-Emery! The keeper parries, he prods it in. GOAL!

Julián Alvarez fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. Lennart Karl plays the medic running in. Gianluigi Donnarumma plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

Nuno Mendes sees everything, understands everything, and intercepts at the perfect moment. That is the kind of player who makes a team unbeatable. Absolute peach from Nuno Mendes, threading it through for Warren Zaïre-Emery, the centre-halves are done for! GOOOAL for Warren Zaïre-Emery! He read the trajectory and slides the ball past the keeper. STRIKER'S goal!

Pau Cubarsí with the last-ditch tackle, gets every bit of the ball and none of the man. The ref's happy, we're happy. Solo charge from Pau Cubarsí, he sets off from midfield and arrives in the opposition box. GOAL! What a LOB from Pau Cubarsí! On the pass from Warren Zaïre-Emery, he spots the keeper off his line and chips it with the TOP of his foot. The ball drops just on the line and goes in. CLASSY!

Pau Cubarsí spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Thomas Müller gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Corner from Michel Adopo into the danger area but a defender heads it away, dealt with. Magnificent reading of the game from Konrad Laimer, he intercepts between the lines and launches the counter. That kind of action turns a match on its head. Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart.

Thomas Müller drops a lofted ball to Warren Zaïre-Emery, it sails over the entire midfield line. Warren Zaïre-Emery lofts a cross into the box, Thomas Müller is there, sandwiched between two defenders, ready to pounce. Thomas Müller rises above his marker and wins the header! He got up higher than everyone.

The boss pulls Lennart Karl aside: "You have been absolutely magnificent out there, mate. 18 years old and running the show like you own the place. Keep doing what you are doing." Lennart Karl just nods, half-smile on {his} face, the quiet confidence of someone who knows {he} is having a blinder. We can exclusively reveal that Julián Alvarez, standing 169, owns a pair of lucky pants that he's worn under his kit for three consecutive seasons. They're held together by hope and a single thread, but the results speak for themselves. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Be a Milliner! To win a Primark bag full of reduced Percy Pigs from M&S, text 0800PORK and answer: 'How many Percy Pigs can you fit in a shopping trolley?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Lennart Karl sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

What a mess! Barranquilla Toque-Toque capitalise on that blunder. We are our own worst enemy.

Gianluigi Donnarumma fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. Thomas Müller plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

Nuno Mendes refuses to give up, sprints all the way back and arrives just in time to make the tackle. Nuno Mendes commits the tactical foul without hesitation. The bench nods in approval. Nuno Mendes picks up a yellow card for a clinical foul. Stopped the danger, paid the price. Nuno Mendes tries the free kick but the wall is well positioned and blocks it. That's that. The corner from Ernest Nuamah comes to nothing, the defence clears at the first post.

Stunning tackle by Nuno Mendes in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. Transition play in overdrive, they're at the edge of the box already. Warren Zaïre-Emery puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins. Warren Zaïre-Emery reaches the byline and cuts it back for Thomas Müller arriving from the second wave.

Nightmare! Barranquilla Toque-Toque score! That goal was coming, we've been under the cosh.

Gianluigi Donnarumma dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

The team in a low block is impenetrable, every cross dealt with. Huge tackle from Nuno Mendes! Went through the back door and nicked the ball before the striker could get his shot away. Wicked through ball from Nuno Mendes, the ball skims the grass and finds Konrad Laimer who had set off before anyone else even noticed. Konrad Laimer rifles one in, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper comes up big. Corner to the attacking side.

Gianluigi Donnarumma distributes short to Ernest Nuamah, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Smooth transition from Ernest Nuamah to Nuno Mendes, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Nuno Mendes drops the defender with a fake shot. Clever as you like.

The free kick from Michel Adopo is a dangerous one, Julián Alvarez meets it on the volley inside the six-yard box. Julián Alvarez loses his duel in the air on the cross, the opponent got better positioning. SAVE from Gianluigi Donnarumma! The attacker had a go but the keeper produced a MONUMENTAL hand.

What a result against Barranquilla Toque-Toque! Gianluigi Donnarumma walks over to the travelling support, puts his hand on his heart, and bows. Nuno Mendes follows and throws his boots into the crowd. Some lad in row G is going home with a size 9 souvenir. Scenes. Sharon from Basildon says two hundred and six Percy Pigs, which she verified personally last Saturday. Primark bag and all, she's the winner! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-1 (L)

The ball from Konrad Laimer rips through the defensive curtain, Nuno Mendes is flying into the space like an arrow. Nuno Mendes looks at the keeper, sees the angle, and places his shot! It is in, IT IS A GREAT GOAL!

Konrad Laimer mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Michel Adopo raises Konrad Laimer's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Gianluigi Donnarumma plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

Konrad Laimer clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive. Foul by Ernest Nuamah, he had to make that challenge to stop the break. Tactical.

Blistering run from Lennart Karl on the wing, the defender is chasing but never catches up. Lennart Karl dives in the penalty area, hoping to con the referee. Not today, son. Lennart Karl booked for simulation, he was looking for a penalty and found a yellow card instead. Lennart Karl plays a low free kick into the box, Ernest Nuamah cuts across to meet it in front of goal.

Gianluigi Donnarumma hoofs it forward towards Thomas Müller, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Wing switch from Thomas Müller, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Pau Cubarsí brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Cross from Pau Cubarsí, he puts it on the far post for Konrad Laimer. Konrad Laimer tries a powerful cross but the defender is there and blocks everything.

No let-up now, balls raining into the penalty area nonstop. Everything on the line, Gianluigi Donnarumma is up, nothing to lose now. What a leap from Pau Cubarsí! He rises above the lot and wins the header with royal composure. Pau Cubarsí slides it to Konrad Laimer, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

The dressing room is silent apart from the fizz of isotonic drinks being opened and the squeak of boots on tiles. Ernest Nuamah is biting {his} nails in the corner. Gianluigi Donnarumma stares at the ceiling like it holds the answers to everything. The gaffer lets the silence do its work before delivering his half-time talk. Konrad Laimer once tweeted 'rate my Sunday roast' and the entire internet destroyed the 29-year-old for putting the Yorkshire puddings on a separate plate. The tweet was deleted within eleven minutes. And now, our TV game show Bargain Hunt for Socks! To win a multipack of sensible socks from Primark, text 0800SOCK and answer: 'How many odd socks does the average British household have at any given time?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Julián Alvarez leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Dean Huijsen lays it off first time to Ernest Nuamah, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Ernest Nuamah keeps it short to Warren Zaïre-Emery, no frills, just good football intelligence. Warren Zaïre-Emery takes on the defender in tight quarters and comes out on top. Pure talent. Warren Zaïre-Emery tries to dribble in too tight a space and gets the ball nicked off him.

What a SHAMBLES in the box after Lennart Karl's corner! Bodies everywhere, somehow the defense holds! Dean Huijsen boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there. Sterile football, looks like a testimonial out there.

Dean Huijsen launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. Emergency clearance from Dean Huijsen, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe. Thomas Müller tries to get up for the duel but the attacker beats him to the header. The timing was off. Pau Cubarsí sends a furious header but the ball sails over the bar. So close yet so far.

Unbelievable! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa score from nowhere. Their striker just smashed it in.

Michel Adopo bounces off Dean Huijsen, gets it back in stride, and it is done. The kind of combination that makes football beautiful. One laser pass from Michel Adopo and the entire defence is eliminated, Ernest Nuamah is through on goal. The space is enormous. Ernest Nuamah is given offside by the width of a bootlace, Nuno Mendes is shaking his head. Short distribution from Gianluigi Donnarumma to Michel Adopo, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. Aerial duel won by Michel Adopo, he absolutely dominates in the air against the defender.

Nuno Mendes reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. Sideways ball from Nuno Mendes to Thomas Müller, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Thomas Müller looks for Julián Alvarez with a ball in behind but it is massively overhit. The opposition keeper collects without moving. They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass.

Draw against Montevideo Garra-Charrúa. Thomas Müller kisses the club badge as he passes the home end — a gesture for the fans, regardless. Dean Huijsen does the same. The squad stays tight, the season rolls on. Nights like this, you close ranks. Janet from Wolverhampton says twenty-three odd socks at minimum and that's a conservative estimate. Primark multipack for Janet! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

2-2 (L)

GOAAAL! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío make it count! Sliced through us like a hot knife through butter.

Gianluigi Donnarumma kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Ernest Nuamah takes a knee behind him. Gianluigi Donnarumma raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Wall combination between Nuno Mendes and Julián Alvarez, fluid, rapid, and it creates an overload going forward. GOOOOL from Nuno Mendes! Massive right-footed strike, the ball almost rips the net off. GOOOOAL!

Nuno Mendes legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Julián Alvarez tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Disaster! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

Quick one-two between Konrad Laimer and Lennart Karl, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Low cut-back from Lennart Karl, Warren Zaïre-Emery arrives at pace and can hit it first time. Warren Zaïre-Emery winds up and FIIIIRES! Placed strike, the ball slides into the bottom corner, OPENING GOAAAAL!

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment Konrad Laimer strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. Thomas Müller points at it, jaw on the floor. Gianluigi Donnarumma shakes his head, not believing it.

Rainbow flick from Julián Alvarez, he clips the ball over the defender with his heel. The crowd erupts. Lovely use of the ball by Julián Alvarez, finding Lennart Karl in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Shifting pass from Lennart Karl to Ernest Nuamah, the ball drifts into the free zone and Ernest Nuamah is onto it in two strides.

Studious atmosphere in the dressing room. The coach has his tablet out, replaying clips: "Look, Nuno Mendes, there is acres of space on the overlap and you go back inside every time. Use the width." Nuno Mendes takes the note. The game is there for the taking if they can just find the key. Quite remarkable — Lennart Karl got into a heated argument at a car boot sale over a secondhand George Foreman grill. Apparently he haggled for twenty minutes, paid three quid, and considers it the greatest negotiation of his career. The man is 18 years old. And now, our TV game show Taskmaster of the Obvious! To win a laminated bus timetable from 2019, text 4678 and answer: 'How early should you arrive at a bus stop to guarantee the bus has already left?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Dean Huijsen is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Tight-knit defense, compact shape, the opposition has to shoot from distance. They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. Powerful run from Warren Zaïre-Emery down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there. Warren Zaïre-Emery looks up and swings in a floated cross, Thomas Müller rises among the defenders. Cross from Thomas Müller far too long, the ball flies through the entire box without finding anyone.

Ball stolen and released forward, it's an absolute rocket of a counter. Overlap from Ernest Nuamah on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed. Neat lay-off from Ernest Nuamah for Pau Cubarsí in the box, the ball is on a plate, clean as a whistle. Pau Cubarsí unleashes an ABSOLUUUUTE CANNON! On target but the keeper gets a strong hand to it. Corner.

Line-breaking pass from Warren Zaïre-Emery! The ball slices through the centre-halves and Julián Alvarez picks it up at full pace. Devastating. Julián Alvarez thought he'd timed it perfectly, but the linesman disagrees. Offside on Pau Cubarsí's pass. Gianluigi Donnarumma goes long for Dean Huijsen, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Dean Huijsen sniffs out the danger and produces a wonderfully timed challenge. Not a hint of a foul.

The corner from Lennart Karl is cut out at the near post by a defender, no danger. Monumental ball from Thomas Müller to Pau Cubarsí, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Overlap from Pau Cubarsí with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel. The dribble from Pau Cubarsí fools nobody, the defender collects comfortably. Classy interception from Thomas Müller, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time.

Nuno Mendes sees the gap and puts the ball right through it. Julián Alvarez is racing into the channel, the defence is watching the train leave the station. Julián Alvarez is flagged and it's the tightest of calls, Nuno Mendes's pass was beautifully weighted too. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare. Nuno Mendes feeds Dean Huijsen in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling.

Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. Majestic individual run from Lennart Karl, he cuts through the pitch like an arrow. Lennart Karl shapes up and hits it, just wide but it grazed the bar. The technique was there, the finish just wasn't. Gianluigi Donnarumma distributes by hand to Thomas Müller on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Thomas Müller wins the aerial battle against the attacker, he jumped earlier, higher, and stronger. Total domination.

Ernest Nuamah pings a long diagonal to Dean Huijsen, completely shifts the point of attack. Magnificent shift from Dean Huijsen! Konrad Laimer picks it up in space, no marker in sight, the pitch is his. Konrad Laimer takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race. Cut-back from Konrad Laimer, the ball zips across the box at ground level to Ernest Nuamah.

Points shared. Michel Adopo sits on the grass for a full minute, staring up at the floodlights. Warren Zaïre-Emery crouches beside him: "Come on mate, let's get inside. Tuesday's another game." Long season. Draws happen. Nobody's thrilled, nobody's devastated. Leonard from Barnsley says fifteen minutes early guarantees the bus left fourteen minutes ago. Laminated timetable for Leonard! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

2-1 (W)

Absolutely immense from Konrad Laimer! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back. Lightning counter, striker's away on his bike and the defence is chasing shadows. GOOOAL! Ernest Nuamah onto the pass from Thomas Müller produces a lob for the AGES! The keeper is beaten through the air, the ball descends slowly and nestles in the net. BEAUTIFUL, GRAND, MAGNIFICENT!

Konrad Laimer runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Michel Adopo gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

High recovery from Michel Adopo, he ran himself into the ground to go and win that ball. The defender never saw him coming. Possession flipped in a heartbeat, textbook transition football. GOOOOOAL! Thomas Müller turns into a FOX in the box! The ball was loose, he prods it in, simple as that!

Monster clearance from Gianluigi Donnarumma, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Thomas Müller. Aerial duel lost by Thomas Müller, he was nudged in the back and could not get a proper jump in. Gianluigi Donnarumma stretches horizontally and tips the shot away with an extended arm. Cat-like! Corner from Lennart Karl, header from Thomas Müller at the penalty spot but it is off target. He should have scored.

Ernest Nuamah pulls out a backheel nutmeg in open play, the ball goes through the defender's legs with the heel. WOOOW Ernest Nuamah launches a missile! On target, the ball is fizzing but the keeper tips it around the post!

Oh the keeper comes out and misses Warren Zaïre-Emery's corner! Scramble on the line, a defender hacks it away! Almighty boot from Julián Alvarez who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe. Frustration boiling over in the stands, going in circles for ten minutes. Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. The away end has gone ominously quiet, this side is on top now.

Gianluigi Donnarumma is planning the celebration already. "If I score in the second half, I am doing the knee slide right in front of their lot," {he} tells Nuno Mendes, who replies: "Last time you tried that you pulled your hamstring." The dressing room erupts. The gaffer shakes his head. "Just score the goal, we will worry about the celebration later." Now this is properly British — Lennart Karl once spent an entire bank holiday Monday sitting in a car park in the rain, eating a Cornish pasty and listening to TalkSport. When asked why, he simply said 'because it's a bank holiday.' The lad is 18 and gets it. And now, our TV game show Motorway Service Station Bingo! To win a Costa loyalty card with one stamp, text 4567 and answer: 'What is the minimum price of a sandwich at a motorway services?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Julián Alvarez wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

Nuno Mendes launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out. Royal interception from Konrad Laimer! He positions himself in the passing corridor and plucks the ball out of thin air. Massive clearance from Konrad Laimer, just get the ball as far away as possible. The opposition defenders could grab a brew, nothing is happening.

Superb defensive work from Nuno Mendes there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal. Julián Alvarez tries the curler... it bends beautifully but slides just past the post. AGONISING. The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. They're turning this into a siege, the keeper's going to be busy.

Lennart Karl gives it to Michel Adopo who returns it first time, Lennart Karl ghosts past his man like he does not exist. Lennart Karl accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides. Foul by Lennart Karl in the middle of the park, breaks up a promising move. Lennart Karl combines with Warren Zaïre-Emery from the free kick, the little pass takes the wall out of the equation.

It's in! Rio Malandro FC take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

Gianluigi Donnarumma and Pau Cubarsí do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Gianluigi Donnarumma arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

Lennart Karl plants his studs on the attacker's ankle. That's as bad as it gets. Booking for Lennart Karl. Went in high with the forearm, the opponent felt that. Free kick swung in by Lennart Karl, the ball travels across the six-yard box and Michel Adopo is lurking. Aerial duel won by Michel Adopo in his own box. He took the lift to the top floor and cleaned up everything.

Gianluigi Donnarumma rolls it short to Lennart Karl into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. With one swing of the boot, Lennart Karl finds Julián Alvarez on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. Julián Alvarez delivers a tidy ball to Thomas Müller, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work.

Full time, full joy! Lennart Karl walks the entire touchline high-fiving every fan who leans over the barrier. Pau Cubarsí carries a little kid onto the pitch for a photo — nobody's sure whose kid it is, but everyone's smiling. Rio Malandro FC are yesterday's news. Tony from Warwick says eight pounds fifty for a cheese sandwich the size of a postage stamp. Costa loyalty card for Tony! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

2-1 (W)

Surging run from Thomas Müller from the centre circle, he destroys everything in his path. What a spectacle. Thomas Müller storms into the box and the defender UNBALANCES him! The referee awards a penalty! The player gets up, the stadium is SILENT, everyone is holding their breath. Penalty from Thomas Müller! He fires it hard under the bar, the keeper was on the right line but it was TOO POWERFUL. GOAL!

Thomas Müller sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. Pau Cubarsí snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. Gianluigi Donnarumma waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

Konrad Laimer with a trademark slide tackle, gets the ball and pops straight back up. The fans are on their feet! They're away in transition, pace to burn, it's like watching a freight train. Thomas Müller spots the keeper off his line and tries the LOB! It clears him! GOAL! The ball sails over the keeper by an inch and drops just behind him. The AUDACITY of that finish, that is OUTRAGEOUS!

Solidarity move: Konrad Laimer grabs Ernest Nuamah who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Ernest Nuamah a standing ovation right through to the restart.

One touch football: Nuno Mendes to Konrad Laimer, faster than the opposition can think. The opponent is bundled over by Konrad Laimer. Not much in it, but the whistle goes. Booking for Konrad Laimer, the niggling fouls have caught up with him at last. Free kick from Konrad Laimer... into the wall. The wall didn't flinch. Massive clearance from Pau Cubarsí in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished.

Ferocious press from Ernest Nuamah! He sticks to the carrier, hounds him, and ends up winning the ball. The dirty work that makes great players. Ernest Nuamah plays it into the channel for Konrad Laimer, the defensive line is split clean in two. That is pure filth. Konrad Laimer aims for Ernest Nuamah but the ball is deflected off an opponent's foot. Pass cut out. What positioning from Konrad Laimer! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts. Konrad Laimer boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go.

Pau Cubarsí with a last-gasp tackle that saves the day! Gets everything on the ball and nothing on the man. Heroic stuff. Brilliant switch of play from Pau Cubarsí! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Ernest Nuamah. Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed.

Pie and Bovril vibes in the dressing room. The gaffer has drawn one arrow on the whiteboard and written underneath it: "Same again." Warren Zaïre-Emery is leaning back with {his} feet up, 178 cm of pure relaxation. Konrad Laimer is refuelling on jelly babies. Life is good when the scoreboard is in your favour. A wonderful anecdote — Pau Cubarsí once got lost in an IKEA for two and a half hours. Had to be rescued by staff near the bedroom section. He was 19 at the time and insists the store moved the exits. Classic British Saturday gone wrong. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 1999 and answer this question: 'How long is a piece of string if the string is lying?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Lennart Karl leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Oh dear oh dear! Istanbul Cehennem FK score and the dugout is fuming. Rightly so.

Ernest Nuamah unleashes a raking ball out to Michel Adopo, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Michel Adopo weights his pass into the space for Ernest Nuamah who collects at full pace without breaking stride. Perfection. Warren Zaïre-Emery launches a long ball for Ernest Nuamah, but he's well offside. Defence did well. Gianluigi Donnarumma plays out from the back with Pau Cubarsí, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. Burst of speed from Pau Cubarsí, he devours the left flank in a matter of seconds. Impressive.

The block is set up beautifully, compact, disciplined, nothing getting through. Gianluigi Donnarumma closes the angle with his legs and the strike rebounds off him! The keeper is A WALL! Gianluigi Donnarumma opts for the short option to Nuno Mendes, keeping possession, building play, no panic.

Free kick from Ernest Nuamah delivered with pace, Nuno Mendes finds himself in space at the far post. The cross from Nuno Mendes is blocked by a defender in the box. The defence holds firm.

Ernest Nuamah slips Thomas Müller in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Flash wall from Dean Huijsen for Thomas Müller who had started the run before even passing the ball. Insane anticipation. The defence holds its line and Thomas Müller is caught offside from Ernest Nuamah's ball over the top. Gianluigi Donnarumma boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Julián Alvarez! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Julián Alvarez slides into the passing lane and nicks the ball. The opposition does not know what just happened.

Gianluigi Donnarumma plays it along the ground to Warren Zaïre-Emery, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. Switch from Warren Zaïre-Emery! The ball arcs over the midfield and Ernest Nuamah collects it on the other side. Stretching the play. Ernest Nuamah releases Dean Huijsen with a ball into space on the left. The defence is sliding across but they are too late. Dean Huijsen gets to the byline and cuts it back low, Warren Zaïre-Emery just needs to sidefoot it home. Warren Zaïre-Emery with an absolutely perfect sliding tackle, takes the ball right off the attacker's toes. Nothing given, play on!

What a result against Istanbul Cehennem FK! Gianluigi Donnarumma walks over to the travelling support, puts his hand on his heart, and bows. Michel Adopo follows and throws his boots into the crowd. Some lad in row G is going home with a size 9 souvenir. Scenes. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Pauline Drizzle-Hatch, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How long is a piece of string if the string is lying?'. The answer was of course it claims to be six feet but it's really only four, the dishonest thread. Pauline wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-0 (W)

They've broken at pace and the back line is nowhere to be seen. Telepathic pass from Ernest Nuamah to Lennart Karl, like they rehearsed it at breakfast. The ball fizzes in behind the defence. Lennart Karl lobs the keeper and it is GOAL! The audacity to attempt that finish at THIS moment of the match is what makes GREAT players. Perfect lob, perfect trajectory, PERFECT goal!

Long kick from Gianluigi Donnarumma, Dean Huijsen positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Dean Huijsen explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening. Chipped cross from Dean Huijsen over the defence, Nuno Mendes is underneath it. That is a killer ball.

The intensity has gone up several notches, this is magnificent. Aggressive high press, the opposition keeper is already sweating. Oh what a challenge! Pau Cubarsí goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. Enormous clearance from Pau Cubarsí inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it.

Ernest Nuamah plays the free kick quickly to Dean Huijsen, they catch the defence napping. OHHH Dean Huijsen strikes and it goes just wide! The post was trembling! Sterile stuff this, pass after pass going nowhere fast. Julián Alvarez tries his luck and puts it on the third tier. The crowd give him an ironic round of applause.

Team goes on the counter but the final pass is too short, all wasted. Lennart Karl picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train. Lobbed cross from Lennart Karl, it sails over the entire back four and Nuno Mendes is there behind. Brilliant. Lovely high take from Gianluigi Donnarumma! He owns his box, the attacker had no time to even jump. Gianluigi Donnarumma sends an absolute rocket towards Pau Cubarsí, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch.

The coach gathers the lads round: "Listen, we are in a great position. But this lot do not lie down, so keep your heads screwed on." Michel Adopo claps once, loud, and shouts "Come on then!" like {he} is leading the charge at Agincourt. The energy is electric. These lads are well up for the second half. A scouting report from Ernest Nuamah's youth days says — and I quote — 'technically raw, but can eat a full Sunday roast in under eight minutes.' That kind of efficiency translates to the pitch. He's now 23 and hasn't slowed down at the dinner table. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Bedtime! To win a Premier Inn king-size pillow, text 3345 and answer: 'What time does a British person start complaining about the weather each morning?' They are back. Thomas Müller salutes the travelling fans with a raised fist before taking {his} spot. The faithful respond in kind. Second half. Bring it on.

Julián Alvarez overlaps on the wing with frightening ease, the defender is made to look silly. Looping cross from Julián Alvarez, it sails over the centre-halves and drops towards Ernest Nuamah. Danger. Cross from Ernest Nuamah intercepted by the centre-half, the defence is alert. Panicked clearance from Ernest Nuamah, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done.

Free kick from Lennart Karl, lovely delivery and Julián Alvarez rises above the defence. Julián Alvarez goes up to the heavens and comes back down with the ball. Aerial duel won, total domination, the opposition can pack their bags. Good ball from Julián Alvarez to Ernest Nuamah, playing it quick between the lines. Ernest Nuamah wins the ball back high up the pitch after an outrageous press. The defender crumbled under the pressure.

Dean Huijsen goes crossfield to Michel Adopo, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Cross from Michel Adopo off the left, the ball travels across the entire six-yard box and finds Thomas Müller at the far side. Gianluigi Donnarumma repels the attempt with a reflex save! Clinical, clean, absolutely enormous. Julián Alvarez heads the corner from Lennart Karl at the back post, it goes wide. Close but not close enough.

The referee POINTS to the penalty spot! Nuno Mendes has been clipped at the feet inside the box. No argument, it is a penalty! The stadium is holding its collective BREATH! OVER THE BAR! Nuno Mendes sends the penalty into the stands! Absolute disaster!

Gianluigi Donnarumma lumps it long towards Julián Alvarez, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. Magnificent tackle from Julián Alvarez! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Julián Alvarez feeds Ernest Nuamah in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. WHAT A SHAME for Ernest Nuamah! Thunderous strike that flashes just past the upright.

Massive win over Milano Piano-Piano! Warren Zaïre-Emery is the last man off the pitch, soaking in every last decibel. The ground's half-empty but the noise is still deafening. Konrad Laimer pops his head out of the tunnel: "Oi, the pizza's getting cold!" Priorities. Graham from Harrogate says half six and honestly we all agree. He's off to Premier Inn with his brand new pillow. And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

2-1 (W)

Konrad Laimer goes to ground and absolutely nails the tackle. Ball won, danger cleared, crowd on their feet. Broken at speed, the lads have bombed forward like their lives depend on it. Oh the TOUCH from Julián Alvarez! SUBLIME lob! The keeper is ten yards off his line, Julián Alvarez spots it, chips the ball and it drops right into the goal. MASTERPIECE!

Konrad Laimer kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Julián Alvarez takes a knee behind him. Gianluigi Donnarumma raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Strikers making run after run, long balls flying in every time. Warren Zaïre-Emery rises on the delivery from Thomas Müller and powers a furious header into the net!

Pau Cubarsí rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Konrad Laimer. The far side is completely deserted. Brilliant opening from Konrad Laimer for Lennart Karl, frees up the entire left flank. Driven cross from Lennart Karl into the box, Konrad Laimer arrives at full pace at the near post. This smells like a goal.

It's hit the back of the net! Sevilla Olé-Olé lead and we look completely lost.

Solid as a rock, the block holds under pressure. What a rush out from Gianluigi Donnarumma! He narrows the angle and smothers the shot at the feet. Gianluigi Donnarumma smashes a volley towards Julián Alvarez, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Massive diagonal from Julián Alvarez! Nuno Mendes receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards.

The gaffer sits down, crosses his arms, and just watches the lads for a moment. Lennart Karl is chatting with Gianluigi Donnarumma about holiday plans. Someone is throwing grapes into someone else's mouth. The staff are relaxed, the players are relaxed. "Right, let us not get complacent," the boss finally says. "But well played. Seriously." Now Pau Cubarsí — and this is absolutely true — once entered a Wetherspoons curry club night and ate three lamb bhuna in a single sitting. At 184, the man is essentially a furnace. The manager gave him a round of applause and a free pint. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 8899 and answer this question: 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?' Back on the pitch and Gianluigi Donnarumma is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

Video review underway, players catching their breath, supporters on the edge of their seats. Incredible tension. VAR shows just how bad the challenge was, Nuno Mendes is sent to the dressing room! Unbelievable scenes! Nuno Mendes has kicked out at the opponent off the ball. He's been sent off. Nuno Mendes plays the free kick back to Dean Huijsen, they are looking for the shooting angle.

Sharp turn from Warren Zaïre-Emery, the defender is sat down. Someone call an ambulance. The attacker tries to sprint past but Warren Zaïre-Emery grabs the waistband, foul! Yellow shown to Warren Zaïre-Emery, he brought down the man rather than let him play the through ball. Warren Zaïre-Emery shapes to shoot but plays it short to Julián Alvarez, the defence is caught flat-footed.

Quick one-two between Julián Alvarez and Konrad Laimer, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Careless distribution from Konrad Laimer, the ball lands straight at an opponent's feet. The kind of pass that costs you. Huge interception from Dean Huijsen! He cuts out the pass and drives forward. The kind of action that never shows up in the stats but changes the whole match. Dean Huijsen feeds Konrad Laimer in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Lay-off from Konrad Laimer to Lennart Karl, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan.

Thomas Müller gives it to Warren Zaïre-Emery into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Warren Zaïre-Emery has a go but the shot is deflected! The defender took the ball full in the chest. Corner from Dean Huijsen, the ball travels across the box but a defender clears at the far post. Lifesaving clearance from Warren Zaïre-Emery! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters.

The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. Lennart Karl pings a ridiculous diagonal to Michel Adopo. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Michel Adopo is beaten in the air, the opponent rises above him with authority. That is tough to take. Pau Cubarsí lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war. Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper.

It's over and we've won it! Gianluigi Donnarumma grabs the corner flag and plants it at the centre spot like he's claiming new territory. Nuno Mendes pretends to salute. The fans are in absolute stitches. The manager pretends to be annoyed but you can see him smirking. Top, top scenes. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Keith Drizzleton, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?'. The answer was of course 4.7 kilonewtons, enough to demolish a conversation but not enough to get served at the bar. Keith wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

2-2 (L)

And it's a goal! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein punish us for that sloppy defending. Heads will roll.

Lennart Karl feeds Thomas Müller in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. GOOOOAL from Thomas Müller! MASTERFUL long-range strike, the ball traces a perfect line and ends in the net!

Dean Huijsen anticipates the pass and intercepts cleanly. The opposition midfielder thought he had found the gap, but it was a trap. Dean Huijsen beats man after man and drives forward on his own, opponents are scattered like skittles. Dean Huijsen takes his time to aim, looks at the keeper, and SHOOTS! On target, in the net, GOOOOAL!

Ruthless press, the opposition can't hold the ball for two seconds. High recovery from Julián Alvarez, he forced the error by hounding the carrier relentlessly. The kind of effort that the stats do not show but that wins football matches. Julián Alvarez sets it for Thomas Müller, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating.

Gianluigi Donnarumma plays it short to Warren Zaïre-Emery, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Warren Zaïre-Emery plays the simple ball to Lennart Karl, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll.

The gaffer pulls up München Ordnung-Muss-Sein's shape on the screen: "See how high their line is? One ball over the top and we are in. Gianluigi Donnarumma, you have the pace. Nuno Mendes, you have the vision. Put it together and we are laughing." It sounds simple. Football always sounds simple at halftime. Doing it is the hard part. A little fun fact for you — Gianluigi Donnarumma, all 196 of him, once entered a village conker championship in Lower Piddle and made it to the semi-finals. He was disqualified for soaking his conker in vinegar, which frankly shows the sort of competitive edge you want in a footballer. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 6677 and answer this question: 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?' Pau Cubarsí leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

Driven kick from Gianluigi Donnarumma to Julián Alvarez, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Julián Alvarez powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go. Julián Alvarez tries the cross but it is completely off target, ends up going out for a throw. What composure from Gianluigi Donnarumma! He climbs, gathers the cross and restarts play. The danger has passed. Massive punt from Gianluigi Donnarumma, sends the ball sixty yards, Warren Zaïre-Emery is scrapping for it up top.

The free kick from Warren Zaïre-Emery clears the defence and finds Thomas Müller in the danger area. Thomas Müller beats the attacker with a commanding header, he went up like a lift and came back down with the ball. The boss. Thomas Müller winds up and FIIIIRES! On target! But the keeper pushes it away for a corner.

Warren Zaïre-Emery gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side. Absolutely disgraceful from Warren Zaïre-Emery. Not a shred of contact and he's writhing on the floor. Warren Zaïre-Emery earns a yellow card for diving, you reap what you sow on the pitch. The free kick from Warren Zaïre-Emery is floated in, Thomas Müller makes his run to the back post.

They've scored! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein break the deadlock and the momentum has completely shifted.

Gianluigi Donnarumma spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Lennart Karl gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Pau Cubarsí swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Julián Alvarez, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Julián Alvarez wins the header and flicks it on for Lennart Karl. He took the elevator while the rest were queuing for the stairs. Big clearance from Julián Alvarez under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line. Pau Cubarsí dominates his marker in the air, powerful header to clear the danger. He is the king of the aerial game. Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly.

Michel Adopo sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Julián Alvarez. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere. Warren Zaïre-Emery drops a lollipop in behind the defence, Ernest Nuamah read the play perfectly and finds himself one on one. Devastating burst of pace from Ernest Nuamah, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank.

Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. Julián Alvarez leans into the opponent and sends him off balance. Free kick. Yellow card. Julián Alvarez racked up too many fouls, the ref couldn't let it slide anymore. Julián Alvarez's free kick crashes into the wall. They jumped at the right moment. Long ball from Gianluigi Donnarumma for Lennart Karl who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy.

Points shared with München Ordnung-Muss-Sein. Gianluigi Donnarumma slumps against the corner flag for a few seconds before pulling himself up. Lennart Karl has a chinwag with their number 10 — old pals from the academy days. Football brings people together, even when nobody's really won. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Brenda Sogbottom, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?'. The answer was of course three consecutive drizzles, as defined by the Met Office Dampness Protocol of 1991. Brenda wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

2-1 (W)

They're going for broke, nothing can stop them now. Mad scenes, Gianluigi Donnarumma sprinting to the halfway line to get back up in time. GOOOOL from Michel Adopo! MAJESTIC angled header on the cross from Julián Alvarez, the ball brushes the post and is in!

Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. Thomas Müller catches everyone off guard with a solo burst, he is unstoppable. GOOOOOOL from Thomas Müller! On the pass from Lennart Karl, he curls it with the right foot and beats the keeper at the far post!

Thomas Müller does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Gianluigi Donnarumma launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Gianluigi Donnarumma arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. Lennart Karl finds Michel Adopo between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Brilliant cut-back from Michel Adopo along the grass for Lennart Karl. That is an absolute peach of a ball. Lennart Karl trips over his own feet in front of the empty net! Michel Adopo had done it all, what an absolute waste. The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it.

Ernest Nuamah lays it off first time to Pau Cubarsí, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Pau Cubarsí squares it back for Dean Huijsen, low and hard across the six-yard box, just needs a tap in.

Gianluigi Donnarumma catapults the ball towards Dean Huijsen from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. Interception from Dean Huijsen who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of Dean Huijsen. One touch football: Dean Huijsen to Michel Adopo, faster than the opposition can think.

Michel Adopo starts a chant and within seconds the whole dressing room joins in. Boots stamping, hands clapping, proper old-school dressing room stuff. Pau Cubarsí conducts like it is the Last Night of the Proms. The gaffer lets it go for thirty seconds then kills it: "Save the singing for the pub tonight. We have still got a job to do." Now here's a proper one — Julián Alvarez was caught by paparazzi doing a big shop in Aldi at half ten at night. Trolley full of knock-off biscuits and frozen pizzas. At 169, the man clearly needs his fuel, and he's not paying Waitrose prices for it. And now, our TV game show Pointless Gestures! To win a royal family commemorative tea towel set, text 0800CROWN and answer: 'How many corgis can fit in a single Buckingham Palace corridor?' And we are back underway! Pau Cubarsí jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. Pass into no-man's land from Julián Alvarez, nobody on the end of it, the ball rolls straight to the opposition. Gift. Nuno Mendes sprints at the defender and pinches the ball right off his toes. Aggressive pressing, decisive recovery.

What a disaster! London Three-Pints score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Gianluigi Donnarumma is at the centre, lifted up by Michel Adopo and Gianluigi Donnarumma, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. London Three-Pints's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

Roulette from Michel Adopo on his marker, the skill is magnificent, the crowd goes wild! Failed dribble from Michel Adopo, he tried to do too much and the defender capitalises. Dean Huijsen mistimes the tackle and catches the opponent's shin. Free kick. Dean Huijsen sends an inswinging free kick in, Warren Zaïre-Emery rises for the header at the far post.

Nuno Mendes cleans up with a magnificent sliding tackle, wins possession, and plays it forward. That's the complete defensive action. Nuno Mendes slides it to Pau Cubarsí, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Long ball from Pau Cubarsí to Ernest Nuamah, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing.

Change of flanks from Nuno Mendes, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Konrad Laimer. Konrad Laimer tries to find Nuno Mendes but it is nowhere near him. Sloppy stuff. Nuno Mendes goes to war in the opposition half and comes back with the ball. Pressing is a battle, and Nuno Mendes just won it. Counter-attack fires off the blocks, blistering pace from the front three. Michel Adopo has a go but it drifts to the right of goal. Not far away though.

Warren Zaïre-Emery presses high and picks off the sloppy pass from the defender. When you bring that intensity, the opposition errors come thick and fast. Warren Zaïre-Emery unleashes a fierce drive, it's GOIIIIING... wide. Clips the post on the way out though. A thousand passes ending with a backpass to the keeper, utterly frustrating. Dean Huijsen frees up the entire channel for Thomas Müller with a ball into space. The defence is caught on the wrong foot. Low cut-back from Thomas Müller, the ball threads between the defender's legs and reaches Nuno Mendes.

Brilliant! Dean Huijsen goes straight to the family section, finds his people in the crowd, and blows kisses with both hands. Gianluigi Donnarumma photobombs from behind with the daftest grin you've ever seen. The post-match interview can wait — this is what football's about. Philippa from Henley-on-Thames says at least fourteen corgis comfortably and twenty at a push. The tea towel set is hers! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'