My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇬🇧

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

104-111 (L)

OHHHH he SNATCHED that tip! Donald Trump rips it out of the air and we are off.

Ooof. Stephen Curry got put on SKATES right there. Arm across the body, whistle, dead ball. Reach on Michael Jordan.

Michael Jordan slides, closes out, recovers. The ball goes all the way around the perimeter and comes back with nothing.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar did that, and now the loudest twelve people in this arena are all wearing the same uniform he is. Somewhere there is a shift with the doctor written on it for tomorrow morning. Tonight he is out here erasing shots.

Detroit Engine-Roar again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Buzzer sounds, halftime! Donald Trump walks head down toward the tunnel. Little secret: Donald Trump watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. And now, our halftime TV game show Concentration But Nobody Is Paying Attention! To win a set of drink coasters showing all fifty state flowers, badly drawn, text HOOPS to 555-0629 and answer this question: 'What time is it in a gymnasium when the clock is broken?' We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.

Over the top of everybody. Gregory House to Michael Jordan in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. The other bench sent their best perimeter stopper out on Michael Jordan, and they are learning in real time that it will not be enough tonight. From eight feet Michael Jordan puts way too much on it, and the ball clears the rim entirely.

Dagger from Detroit Engine-Roar. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Here comes the slip from Donald Trump, and Stephen Curry reads it a half second before anybody else in the building. Nobody expects touch like that from the investor, but that floater had more feel than half the starting guards in the league.

Somebody's towel goes up, then thirty of them, and the bench turns into a laundry emergency. Donald Trump stands in the middle of it with his arms out, letting them rain down on his head. An assistant coach is spinning one like a helicopter. Institutional collapse.

A chair knocked flat, an assistant coach holding somebody back by the jersey, that whole row completely unhinged. That is the Stephen Curry effect. Nobody gambles less and steals more than Gregory House. He does not reach, he anticipates, and that is the whole difference.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Detroit Engine-Roar, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Buzzer on the shot clock, Stephen Curry heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything. OFFENSIVE GLASS! Gregory House beats three men to the spot! Gregory House crashes the glass, snatches that miss out of the air and hammers it home. Onions!

Gregory House points at Kareem Abdul-Jabbar first, then at the pass that made it possible, then at Kareem Abdul-Jabbar again, making sure the building knows who did the real work. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar waves it off, embarrassed. The chant that starts up is not for the scorer.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Detroit Engine-Roar with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

The investor swatted that one off the glass and handed over two free points. Somebody go over the cylinder rule at the next staff meeting.

The doctor is parked under the rim while three grown men in stripes squint at a screen. Just another day at the office, apparently. Waved off. Gregory House got the entire celebration in before the officials even reached the monitor.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Michael Jordan doesn't drink. Throat too tight. And here is the answer to our game show Concentration But Nobody Is Paying Attention! Junior Applewhite of Gravy Bend, South Carolina, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What time is it in a gymnasium when the clock is broken?' The answer was of course always 4:17, a time that has never done anybody any good. Junior therefore wins a set of drink coasters showing all fifty state flowers, badly drawn! Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

116-100 (W)

Swing, swing, and Stephen Curry finds Donald Trump on the wing before the help can even turn its head. That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Donald Trump the moment he crosses half court. Zero hesitation, zero conscience. Donald Trump made that closeout look completely pointless.

No hero ball here: Gregory House takes what the defense gives and moves it along. Watch the change of pace from Stephen Curry, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. Getting to his spot and elevating, Stephen Curry puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

That was a deliberate technical. The coach hated what happened to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, he wanted it on the record, and one point is his price.

Cold blooded from Miami Heart-Attack, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

OHHHH the hesi! Stephen Curry froze him solid and he is already gone! The help defender had position, leverage, everything but a chance. Stephen Curry rose straight over the top of him, and one.

Kisses the biceps, one and then the other, and Stephen Curry strolls to the free throw line like a man on vacation. Gregory House fans him with a rolled-up game program. The bench is in tears. Even the guy running the game clock is grinning into his monitor.

Finally a breather. Gregory House has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. Fun fact: Gregory House got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. And now, our halftime TV game show Hollywood Squares of Cheese! To win a taxidermy squirrel holding a tiny fishing rod, text HOOPS to 555-0134 and answer this question: 'What is the correct number of ice cubes in a gas station soda?' Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.

Cheap. Nothing about that shot was going down, and Michael Jordan handed over three freebies anyway.

Gregory House drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. BRICK! Michael Jordan throws up a prayer and the iron sends it straight back out to half court!

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Miami Heart-Attack with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Dribble handoff from Stephen Curry, and the defender gets wiped out on the exchange! Stepback three from the doctor, ice in his veins. You cannot teach that, and apparently you cannot keep it out of the workforce either.

Flexing under the basket, mouth wide open, Gregory House roars at nobody in particular. The sound carries over the crowd noise, which should be physically impossible. The referee waits with folded arms, like a substitute teacher who has seen considerably worse.

Not an inch to spare on the endline, but Michael Jordan keeps both feet in bounds and the help gets there a beat too late. Michael Jordan lets it FLY from way downtown and... front rim. Not this time.

Laser from Michael Jordan, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Donald Trump put that man in a blender and the third row felt it! The investor just put somebody on a POSTER! That defender is going to see this clip for the rest of his life!

Three fingers up, walking backward the length of the floor, Donald Trump never once looks at the basket he just drained. The bench mob is off the seats, towels overhead, security waving them back down. Nobody sits. Nobody in here is going to sit again tonight.

Stephen Curry walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. The defender planted his feet, and Gregory House said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. Twenty-four seconds of standing around, and Gregory House has to eat the last two of them. Possession wasted long before the shot went up.

Donald Trump and Gregory House freestyle a victory rap. Stephen Curry does the beatbox. It's terrible but magnificent. And here is the answer to our game Hollywood Squares of Cheese! Dwayne Pickle of Beaver Hollow, Pennsylvania, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the correct number of ice cubes in a gas station soda?' The answer was of course all of them, that is the entire business model. Dwayne takes home a taxidermy squirrel holding a tiny fishing rod! Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

109-93 (W)

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar controls the tip, and the offense gets to run its first set on schedule. Little edges like that stack up over forty-eight minutes.

Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Stephen Curry makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. The whistle blows, the crowd erupts, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar hangs on the iron just long enough to make his point.

Dunk so loud the backboard is still ringing when Kareem Abdul-Jabbar lands. He stares down the front row like they owe him money. A man in a five-thousand-dollar seat drops his drink. Donald Trump drags Kareem Abdul-Jabbar away by the jersey before it becomes an incident.

Stephen Curry stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. The defender fronted him, so Stephen Curry sealed, waited for the entry and went to work. Patient, mean, effective.

Stephen Curry crosses his arms into an X, plants his feet at the top of the key and dares somebody to say something. Nobody does. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar mirrors the pose beside him. Two statues, twenty thousand people screaming, and every camera in the gym pointed at them.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Stephen Curry has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Michael Jordan precisely where the play wanted it. Michael Jordan turns the corner off the screen from Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, the help never rotates, and the lane is WIDE open! Kick out to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, one more to Michael Jordan, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. Michael Jordan gathers on the baseline, absorbs contact from two bodies, and slams it home. That rim is still shaking.

Michael Jordan cups a hand to his ear and turns a slow full circle, milking every section. The upper deck answers louder than the lower bowl, so he points up there and nods. Gregory House joins the spin. Forty seconds of noise before anybody inbounds the ball.

Watch the spacing there, Stephen Curry hits Kareem Abdul-Jabbar right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. POCKET PASS! Kareem Abdul-Jabbar threads it to Stephen Curry between two bodies and the rim is wide open! Stephen Curry blows the wide open layup!

Halftime. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. The staff told me Kareem Abdul-Jabbar sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. And now, our halftime TV game show Cash Cab of the Parking Lot! To win a plug-in air freshener permanently stuck on the high setting, text HOOPS to 555-0975 and answer this question: 'Why is there always exactly one balloon stuck in the rafters?' Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.

Bucket for Orlando Magic-Beans. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Michael Jordan breaks a shell down. Here comes Donald Trump sprinting off the elbow. Gregory House slides it into his pocket and that chase defender is buried. Nobody drew up that arc. The investor floated one halfway to the rafters, and the rim never even got a say.

Set called, Michael Jordan waved out to the corner, and Stephen Curry watches the spacing open up like a front door. No roll this time. Michael Jordan swings it right back to Donald Trump above the break, and it is PURE. Donald Trump fires that thing at the backboard like it owes him money. No chance from the moment it left his hand.

Two defenders collide on the handoff and Donald Trump is gone, so Stephen Curry earned that one even if the box score disagrees. The investor had that thing halfway down and the rim spat it back out. Nobody ever warns you that the iron has a personality.

This is the foul that gets your night cut short. Donald Trump has to contest with a high hand and land in his own space. Donald Trump is on a tightrope now, and every single piece of contact from here could be the last one he is allowed.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Orlando Magic-Beans in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Stephen Curry drops it off to Michael Jordan on time and on target. Hesitate, GO. Michael Jordan is by that hip before the man even blinks. Onions! Michael Jordan did that with a hand in his face.

Michael Jordan grabs the arena mic and screams. Just a scream. Stephen Curry applauds. And here is the answer to our game show Cash Cab of the Parking Lot! Leonard Skidmore of Tumbleweed Alley, Arizona, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Why is there always exactly one balloon stuck in the rafters?' The answer was of course that nobody knows, and the janitors have agreed to stop asking. Leonard therefore wins a plug-in air freshener permanently stuck on the high setting! I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

118-103 (W)

The referee tosses it high and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar rises late, which is exactly how you win one of these. Timing over height, every single time.

Watch Kareem Abdul-Jabbar plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring Michael Jordan out of that corner in a blink. Range like that bends a defense completely out of shape, and Michael Jordan keeps proving the arc is only a suggestion.

Stephen Curry holds it, waits, waits some more, then lets it go at the last possible instant to Gregory House flying by. That is a half-second window and he threads it. No good. Gregory House rushed that one. Hustle play of the night so far. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar gave up his ribs for one extra possession and the bench is on its feet. OHHHH he went and GOT that! Kareem Abdul-Jabbar with the putback jam over two bodies.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar hangs on the rim one extra beat, letting the whole arena wait on him, then drops down into a dead-eyed mean mug. Stephen Curry shoves him in the chest just to get a reaction. Nothing. Stone face on a man who just changed the game.

Turnover, layup, Philadelphia Injury-Report straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Michael Jordan threw it before the help even committed. Textbook two-man game: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar keeps the dribble alive, forces the big man to commit, and Gregory House rolls into an open runway. That is the shot Gregory House wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

Well-deserved break. Stephen Curry looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Fun fact: Stephen Curry got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. And now, our halftime TV game show Password Please Try Again! To win an exercise machine holding the same folded laundry since 2009, text HOOPS to 555-0891 and answer this question: 'What do you call the fifth quarter if nobody agrees it happened?' The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Stephen Curry already has the defense a full step behind. Ball into Kareem Abdul-Jabbar at the elbow, Michael Jordan plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. In, around, and gone. The iron gives Michael Jordan nothing.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Stephen Curry controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. That is the third live-ball giveaway of the half, and each one has been the same read: Gregory House deciding late and throwing early.

Two guys on the exact same page, Michael Jordan and Stephen Curry, and the defense is left holding a bag of nothing. Third one of these from Michael Jordan this quarter, third time the arc is wrong. The lane is not open real estate anymore.

Ball moves. Gregory House to Stephen Curry, on time and on target. One little shoulder dip from Stephen Curry and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. There is no finesse in that, and there does not need to be. Stephen Curry simply decided the paint belonged to him.

Stephen Curry points at Michael Jordan first, then at the pass that made it possible, then at Michael Jordan again, making sure the building knows who did the real work. Michael Jordan waves it off, embarrassed. The chant that starts up is not for the scorer.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the doctor, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. STOP AND GO! Stephen Curry hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. Watch the footwork there from Stephen Curry on the catch, squared up before the ball ever arrives. That is exactly why it goes down so clean.

Salute: sharp, military, held. Stephen Curry delivers it toward the loudest corner of the building and does not drop his hand until the noise starts to hurt. Donald Trump snaps to attention beside him and the bench follows. Twelve saluting maniacs and a coach with his head in his hands.

More second chance points for Philadelphia Injury-Report, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Baseline wide open. Michael Jordan said thank you. Third look from distance for Michael Jordan tonight and the arc keeps flattening out, tired legs writing checks the jumper cannot cash.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar does a cartwheel at center court. Donald Trump tries one too and eats it. And here is the answer to our game show Password Please Try Again! Curtis Pruitt of Bent Spoon, Utah, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What do you call the fifth quarter if nobody agrees it happened?' The answer was of course the honor quarter, and the score from it is kept exclusively by uncles. Curtis therefore wins an exercise machine holding the same folded laundry since 2009! On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

112-97 (W)

Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Stephen Curry, and not one single soul could do anything about it. The ball skips around the perimeter, Michael Jordan finds the open man on the weak side, and Stephen Curry buries it.

Off comes the headband, launched into the crowd like a rock star, and the fight for it delays the inbound. Stephen Curry watches two adults wrestle in row four. Half the arena is filming that instead of the game. Everybody in here has lost the plot.

One little shoulder dip from Stephen Curry and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. Stephen Curry attacks the baseline, the big man steps up to meet him, and it does not matter one bit. FILTHY.

Shot clock violation! Stephen Curry owns the nail, the middle is a no fly zone, and that possession just expired in their hands.

More second chance points for Phoenix No-Defense, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Michael Jordan gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Stephen Curry saw it a beat early. Screen, pop, SPLASH! Michael Jordan kicks it out and that thing never touched iron. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar takes two dribbles past halfcourt, rises from thirty five feet, and the net barely moves. Filthy.

Break. Donald Trump asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Exclusive: Donald Trump was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. And now, our halftime TV game show Last Team Standing Around! To win a chest freezer that only reaches room temperature, text HOOPS to 555-1248 and answer this question: 'How loud is a gym after a buzzer beater on a school night?' The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?

OHHHH that is a bad one from Stephen Curry! He hauls the ball handler down in the open floor and the whole arena is up and howling.

Dagger from Phoenix No-Defense. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Stephen Curry stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. Nobody moved, nobody cut, nobody set a screen, so Stephen Curry launches a contested jumper with the horn already going. Ugly offense.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Michael Jordan has known that all night long. Give and go! Donald Trump gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! The investor tried the teardrop and never got it to the rim. Turns out soft touch does not come standard with that day job.

Watch the spacing, Stephen Curry drags two bodies toward the ball and Donald Trump is standing alone behind the line. Geometry, not luck. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the investor, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

Push the pace! Stephen Curry grabs it and hits Gregory House in stride before the defense can even match up. The big rolls, the defense collapses, and Gregory House punishes it with a read most guys never even see. Baby hook by Michael Jordan, right over that outstretched hand, high off the board, count it.

Blowing smoke off two fingers like a gunslinger, Michael Jordan holsters them in his waistband. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar plays dead on the baseline. The mascot joins the bit uninvited. A referee has to physically separate a celebration from an inbound play.

OHHHH they are getting FRUSTRATED! Stephen Curry has dribbled out almost the entire shot clock without breaking a sweat.

Stephen Curry and Gregory House swap jerseys with each other. Makes no sense but it's the emotion talking. And here is the answer to our game show Last Team Standing Around! Deloris Whitmire of Slow Creek Bend, Hawaii, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How loud is a gym after a buzzer beater on a school night?' The answer was of course loud enough to wake a man three counties over, also named Gary. Deloris therefore wins a chest freezer that only reaches room temperature! On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Gregory House. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

117-93 (W)

Filthy work on the glass by Donald Trump, and he lands with the elbows out daring somebody to reach in. The pass is the play here. Donald Trump never even puts the ball on the floor, he just throws it and lets the runners eat. Turn it over against this team and Stephen Curry is gone the second the ball changes hands. Those transition points keep stacking up.

Stephen Curry mimes putting a whole section to sleep, hands folded against his cheek, eyes shut. He is facing the Los Angeles Nursing-Home fans who paid for the good seats. They boo. He nods along with the boos, which somehow makes the home crowd louder.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Los Angeles Nursing-Home with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Gregory House makes it every single trip down the floor. Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from Stephen Curry. Prayer from Stephen Curry. Not answered.

Stephen Curry hands it off to Gregory House, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. The defense keeps turning contested looks by Stephen Curry into free points. STOP REACHING. First one drops clean through, the second one never even touches iron. Cold blooded from Stephen Curry.

Stephen Curry freezes in his follow-through, wrist still hanging, and holds it while the Los Angeles Nursing-Home coach burns a timeout out of pure desperation. He holds it through the whistle. He holds it into the huddle. The cameras eat every single second of it.

Late rotation from Stephen Curry, he arrives half a beat behind the drive and the contact is obvious to everybody in the building. OHHHH the whistle! Number five on Stephen Curry, and this bench cannot believe what it just saw.

End of the first act. Donald Trump is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Did you know Donald Trump once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. And now, our halftime TV game show To Tell the Truth-ish! To win a wall clock shaped like a rooster that crows at random, text HOOPS to 555-0330 and answer this question: 'What is the scientific name for the smell of a middle school gymnasium?' We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.

Stephen Curry stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. The gather was clean, the decision after it was not. Stephen Curry had a live pivot foot and threw it away for a bounce he did not need.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Los Angeles Nursing-Home in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Emotions boiled over and Gregory House pays for it, because he was the one still swinging when the cameras found the pile.

Clean feed from Michael Jordan, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Second pass beats the rotation, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar to Donald Trump, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. That is the kind of finish that changes a defense's body language, and Donald Trump has already done it twice this quarter.

Blowing smoke off two fingers like a gunslinger, Donald Trump holsters them in his waistband. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar plays dead on the baseline. The mascot joins the bit uninvited. A referee has to physically separate a celebration from an inbound play.

OHHHH the pocket pass! Stephen Curry splits the coverage and the roll man is loose under the basket! Clang. Michael Jordan wants that one back.

Handoff, turn the corner, BUCKET! Stephen Curry did all the dirty work on that one. Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, Michael Jordan goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard. The shot is short, and Gregory House is the only man moving. He rips it out of the crowd and the possession lives. Up over the box out, and Gregory House catches it clean and finishes strong through the contact. Somebody just got posterized.

Gregory House does the bit whole team practiced in the hotel: a slow-motion handshake with Stephen Curry that goes on far too long, sound effects included. Six full seconds. The referee stands there holding the ball. Neither man breaks character.

Under review. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar does not know yet whether he is the hero or the footnote. OHHHH the cruelty! Two tenths, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar gets absolutely nothing.

Gregory House does a backflip. Well, he tries. Stephen Curry applauds the effort. And here is the answer to our game To Tell the Truth-ish! Merle Hackenbush of Muddy Boot, Illinois, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the scientific name for the smell of a middle school gymnasium?' The answer was of course nostalgia, with strong notes of floor wax. Merle takes home a wall clock shaped like a rooster that crows at random! Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

108-112 (L)

PICKED HIS POCKET! Stephen Curry jumps the passing lane and he is GONE the other way! Wide open runway! Stephen Curry gets to the rim before the defense even crosses halfcourt!

Bucket for Toronto Border-Patrol. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

The officials swallow a LOT of noise in this league, so understand exactly what it took for Kareem Abdul-Jabbar to get whistled up for that one. There it is! Second technical on Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, automatic ejection, his night is OVER.

Dagger from Toronto Border-Patrol. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Total control. Stephen Curry has this thing on a string. Gregory House rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. The doctor just dropped a teardrop over a seven footer. Soft hands must run in that trade!

Shimmy from the corner all the way to half court, shoulders loose, chin high. Gregory House is in no hurry whatsoever. The home bench tries to copy it and produces something closer to a seizure. The building decides it loves both versions equally.

Cut! Halftime. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Exclusive info: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. And now, our halftime TV game show Fear Factor Free Throws! To win a truck bed liner for a truck nobody in the family owns, text HOOPS to 555-0952 and answer this question: 'How many miles does a coach pace during a close game?' Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.

Clean block, all ball, no whistle, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar jogs back down the floor like nothing happened. OUTLET! Kareem Abdul-Jabbar rips the board and fires it ahead to Stephen Curry before anybody gets back! A timeout is coming, because no defense recovers from watching Stephen Curry do that to one of their own.

Stephen Curry freezes in his follow-through, wrist still hanging, and holds it while the Toronto Border-Patrol coach burns a timeout out of pure desperation. He holds it through the whistle. He holds it into the huddle. The cameras eat every single second of it.

Stephen Curry reaches, finds nothing but forearm, and the whistle comes right along with it. The best defender on this floor is headed to the bench with four. Stephen Curry goes off with his hand still up, insisting he was straight up and down.

Cold blooded from Toronto Border-Patrol, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Baseline spin from Gregory House at full speed, and his man never even gets a hand into the picture. Filthy stuff. Gregory House beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless.

The crossover comes, Donald Trump bites hard, and the lane opens up like the front door was left unlocked. Slap across the wrist, and the crew saw every bit of it. Gregory House pays for that one.

Michael Jordan kicks it over to Stephen Curry, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. That is vision. Stephen Curry sees the pocket open for a tenth of a second and puts the ball in it. Shot clock at one, and Michael Jordan just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing.

Stephen Curry launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Unselfish basketball. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar passes up a good shot and hands Gregory House a GREAT one. Nobody drew up that arc. The doctor floated one halfway to the rafters, and the rim never even got a say.

Entire arena on its feet for the doctor. Whatever comes next, that man tells this story for the rest of his life. You will not draw up a better look. Gregory House got his switch, got his feet set, got it clean off. The basketball gods said no.

Stephen Curry walks toward the tunnel without a word. Donald Trump stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. And here is the answer to our game show Fear Factor Free Throws! Charlene Bumgarner of Hushpuppy Ridge, New Hampshire, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many miles does a coach pace during a close game?' The answer was of course two point six miles, all of it inside a nine foot box. Charlene therefore wins a truck bed liner for a truck nobody in the family owns! My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

110-84 (W)

The investor just out-jumped a guy half a foot taller for the opening tip. Somebody check the day job again.

Set called, Gregory House waved out to the corner, and Stephen Curry watches the spacing open up like a front door. That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Gregory House does. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Gregory House rose up over the help and hammered it down on somebody's head!

Blowing smoke off two fingers like a gunslinger, Gregory House holsters them in his waistband. Donald Trump plays dead on the baseline. The mascot joins the bit uninvited. A referee has to physically separate a celebration from an inbound play.

GONE down the baseline! Michael Jordan beat him on the first step and the paint is collapsing. Rip through, one dribble, contact. Michael Jordan plays that little game better than anybody on this floor. Boring is beautiful, and Michael Jordan is automatic from the stripe. That is how you close a game out.

Shoving match at the scorer's table, except it is between Gregory House and an assistant coach who both want to hug Michael Jordan first. Michael Jordan lets them sort it out. The trainer has given up on protecting anybody. Somebody's clipboard is already on the floor.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Minnesota Ice-Wall in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Cross court, on a rope, from the doctor. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. The help defender committed way too early, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar made him pay for it with a spin they will be replaying all week. OHHHH what a FINISH from Kareem Abdul-Jabbar! Hanging, hanging, and laying it high off the glass on the way down!

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar throws both arms up and holds them there, letting the arena pull the sound out of him. Twenty thousand people on their feet at once. Gregory House grabs his shoulders from behind and shakes him like a snow globe. The floor is genuinely vibrating.

Halftime. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar throws his towel on the floor walking in. They say Kareem Abdul-Jabbar eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. And now, our halftime TV game show The Newlywed Timeout! To win a family size bag of off brand cheese puffs, text HOOPS to 555-0472 and answer this question: 'How far away can a scoreboard buzzer be heard by a dog?' The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Minnesota Ice-Wall with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Stephen Curry walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. The defender crowded the middle, and Donald Trump punished him along the baseline like it was drawn up in the huddle. That little shot is what keeps guards employed in this league, and Donald Trump has it on a string tonight.

One hard step and Gregory House owns that whole side of the floor, which means the low man has to make a decision he does not want. Rim out for Gregory House, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

The doctor just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and Michael Jordan gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. Stephen Curry gets to his spot in the lane, lifts the runner over the big man, and leaves it a foot short. No dice.

Two defenders, one gap, and Gregory House finds it. Onions on that pass. Soft off the fingertips, the ball takes a full lap of the rim on Michael Jordan, and spits straight back out. That is theft.

OHHHH that is filthy! Stephen Curry on the handoff and the man guarding it is still fighting over the top. Pull-up from the elbow by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

Both coaches are up off the bench pleading while the officials walk the Michael Jordan sequence back frame by frame. Cold, clinical, and correct. That monitor just took everything from Michael Jordan.

Donald Trump mimes popping a champagne bottle. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar mimes chugging straight from it. And here is the answer to our game show The Newlywed Timeout! Dewey Spillman of Frostbite Flats, Minnesota, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How far away can a scoreboard buzzer be heard by a dog?' The answer was of course three and a half miles, and the dog does not care for it. Dewey therefore wins a family size bag of off brand cheese puffs! Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

101-118 (L)

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Michael Jordan just did it by hitting Stephen Curry on the back side with acres of room. Down screen, and Stephen Curry curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. Down, up, and gone for Stephen Curry. The rim is just toying with him now.

Look at that bench! Kareem Abdul-Jabbar just lit the fuse! The entry pass goes in, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar beats the big man to it, and this building is already standing up.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Houston Blast-Off with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Stephen Curry already has the defense a full step behind. Dribble alive, patient, patient, and then Donald Trump slips it to Michael Jordan right in the pocket. Surgical. OFF THE IRON and halfway to the bench! Michael Jordan missed that one with real conviction.

More second chance points for Houston Blast-Off, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Break. Stephen Curry's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Quick anecdote about Stephen Curry: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. And now, our halftime TV game show Tic-Tac-Dough-Nut! To win a decorative outhouse birdhouse with no hole in it, text HOOPS to 555-0367 and answer this question: 'What time is it inside a microwave that has said 12:00 for eleven years?' The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.

Four on five while Kareem Abdul-Jabbar lies there waiting on a whistle that is never coming. That is the real cost of the flop.

The drive comes baseline, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar slides over late, and the layup gets ERASED. The rim is closed for business.

Cold blooded from Houston Blast-Off, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

The zone is set with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar anchoring the middle of it and there is NOWHERE to go! Tipped away by Gregory House! Loose ball, scramble, bodies everywhere, and it ends up in our hands.

The crowd has found its chant, and Michael Jordan is going to be hearing it all night. Nobody put a body on Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and he made them pay, tipping it to himself and coming down with two hands in the trees. The extra pass! Kareem Abdul-Jabbar had the look, gave it up anyway, and Michael Jordan buries it. BANG! Gregory House whips the extra pass across the arc, Michael Jordan rises without a dribble, and SPLASH.

Flexing under the basket, mouth wide open, Michael Jordan roars at nobody in particular. The sound carries over the crowd noise, which should be physically impossible. The referee waits with folded arms, like a substitute teacher who has seen considerably worse.

OHHHH the separation! Stephen Curry just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. That is what heavy minutes do, Stephen Curry has run all night and the legs have nothing left to give the jumper.

Bucket for Houston Blast-Off. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

SKIP PASS! Gregory House fires it cross court to Michael Jordan and the defense is dead in the water! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Michael Jordan whips that pass one-handed on the move and the roll man gathers it through contact. Filthy. A cruel spin-out for the investor, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

The beauty of it is that Stephen Curry never has to set a screen at all, the exchange IS the screen. Nightmare to guard. OHHHH that is SILKY! Gregory House with the teardrop, and it kisses through.

Shimmy from the corner all the way to half court, shoulders loose, chin high. Gregory House is in no hurry whatsoever. The home bench tries to copy it and produces something closer to a seizure. The building decides it loves both versions equally.

Michael Jordan chews his nails on the bench. Gregory House stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. And here is the answer to our game Tic-Tac-Dough-Nut! Cletus Vandersnoot of Half Moon Ditch, Iowa, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What time is it inside a microwave that has said 12:00 for eleven years?' The answer was of course whatever time the power went out in 1994. Cletus takes home a decorative outhouse birdhouse with no hole in it! I learned backstage that Gregory House also does doctor on weekends. That explains those reflexes. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

109-112 (L)

Small thing, a jump ball, but Kareem Abdul-Jabbar winning that tip means we set the tone. Coaches script that first play for a reason.

Cold blooded from Denver Horse-Track, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Gregory House stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. AIRBALL! Gregory House missed the rim, the backboard and everything in between!

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Michael Jordan just did it by hitting Kareem Abdul-Jabbar on the back side with acres of room. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar gives it up to Michael Jordan on the move, the built-in screen erases the chase, and there is a clean runway to the rim. That is another catch and shoot triple for Michael Jordan, and you can see the closeouts getting more desperate every single trip.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Denver Horse-Track with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Both teams head to the locker room. Donald Trump wipes his forehead with his jersey. Word is Donald Trump sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. And now, our halftime TV game show Whammy Watch Live! To win a barrel of packing peanuts and absolutely nothing else, text HOOPS to 555-1073 and answer this question: 'How tall is the shortest player who ever dunked in a dream?' Back on the floor, faces full of determination.

Screen, roll, DELIVERY from Stephen Curry! Nothing but runway to the rim! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and Michael Jordan is walking back with both hands on his head.

More second chance points for Denver Horse-Track, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Nobody is getting a hand near that. Stephen Curry has all the room in the world. Rises, releases, and Stephen Curry sends the ball through the exact patch of sky where the rim is not.

Dribble handoff from Stephen Curry, and the defender gets wiped out on the exchange! So close. Donald Trump can only stare at the iron.

Over the top of everybody. Stephen Curry to Gregory House in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. OHHHH that is filthy! Gregory House on the handoff and the man guarding it is still fighting over the top. Textbook footwork, textbook release from Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

STOP AND GO! Gregory House hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. The doctor just dropped a teardrop over a seven footer. Soft hands must run in that trade!

Gregory House mimes putting a whole section to sleep, hands folded against his cheek, eyes shut. He is facing the Denver Horse-Track fans who paid for the good seats. They boo. He nods along with the boos, which somehow makes the home crowd louder.

Gregory House went for the deep heat check and produced the loudest silence of the night, roar to OHHHH in half a second. You want to know why this team keeps winning the possession battle? Stephen Curry treats every miss like it belongs to him. OHHHH, what a read by Stephen Curry! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. OHHHH, Michael Jordan from WAY downtown off the catch! The defense rotated a half second late and paid full price.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Michael Jordan threw it before the help even committed. Oldest play in the book, and Stephen Curry runs it in his sleep. That drop coverage never had a prayer. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Michael Jordan!

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar snaps at the bench on his way out. Stephen Curry says nothing, but his look says everything. And here is the answer to our game show Whammy Watch Live! Doris Ann Pickerel of Skunk Cabbage, Connecticut, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How tall is the shortest player who ever dunked in a dream?' The answer was of course five foot two, and the dream was extremely convincing. Doris Ann therefore wins a barrel of packing peanuts and absolutely nothing else! Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

91-101 (L)

Michael Jordan launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. You can hear that rim ringing from up here, Donald Trump has forced three in a row now and the whole offense has stopped moving.

Dagger from New York Over-Timers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Stephen Curry pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. Wide open at the top of the key and Stephen Curry cannot make it count, the defense secures the board and takes off in transition.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Michael Jordan was at the other free throw line when that break started! Michael Jordan converts on the break again, and that defense has now been beaten down the floor three straight trips. Somebody better call timeout.

Michael Jordan pulls the jersey away from his chest and points at the crest, twice, hard, then taps his heart. No smile, no theater. The arena horn keeps going long after it should stop. Somebody up in the rafters is holding a sign about this exact city.

The investor is running this zone like he has been drawing it up his entire life. Wrong career, my friend, absolutely the wrong career. Snatched! Gregory House came out of NOWHERE for that one.

Rest. Gregory House buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Fun fact: Gregory House tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. And now, our halftime TV game show Win, Lose, or Shrug! To win a giant novelty check made out for two dollars, text HOOPS to 555-0075 and answer this question: 'How many pieces are missing from a jigsaw puzzle at a lake house?' Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, New York Over-Timers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Second pass beats the rotation, Gregory House to Michael Jordan, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. Drop step, jump hook, bucket! Michael Jordan is doing it the old way.

Oversold by a mile. Michael Jordan is still lying on the hardwood while the play runs the other way.

Bucket for New York Over-Timers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

A single dribble is all Gregory House needed to get downhill, and the back side of that defense is in complete disarray. Off the back iron for Gregory House, that one had all the distance and none of the accuracy, and the board goes the other way.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Stephen Curry drops it off to Donald Trump on time and on target. The investor just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. A cruel spin-out for the investor, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

New York Over-Timers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Michael Jordan just did it by hitting Donald Trump on the back side with acres of room. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Donald Trump spun out of a double team like it was a revolving door! Oh my. Donald Trump did not even draw iron.

Nobody is touching the paint with the doctor parked in the middle of it. That is a full time defender doing a part time job, or the other way around.

Michael Jordan stares at his hands like he doesn't recognize them. Gregory House exhales. Again. And again. And here is the answer to our game Win, Lose, or Shrug! Maxine Skaggs of Bitter Root Draw, New Jersey, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many pieces are missing from a jigsaw puzzle at a lake house?' The answer was of course two, always the same two, and one of them is sky. Maxine takes home a giant novelty check made out for two dollars! On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

94-118 (L)

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar sets the pick and DIVES to the cup. Stephen Curry lays it right on his hands in traffic! Perfect drop-off from Donald Trump, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

Second rejection of the quarter for Donald Trump, and you can see the shooters hesitating on that wing already. That outlet from Donald Trump is a weapon, it turns a defensive stop into two points in about three seconds. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Gregory House scooped that in from underneath the rim!

Somebody's towel goes up, then thirty of them, and the bench turns into a laundry emergency. Gregory House stands in the middle of it with his arms out, letting them rain down on his head. An assistant coach is spinning one like a helicopter. Institutional collapse.

Gregory House gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Michael Jordan saw it a beat early. Look how low Gregory House keeps that shoulder on the drive, that is how you turn a sliver of space into a walk to the rim. That is the shot chart lying to you. Gregory House did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

Turnover, layup, Cleveland Twin-Towers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Michael Jordan goes fishing at the point of attack, the ball handler feels the hand on his elbow, and the arm goes straight up. That is number THREE on Michael Jordan, and we have not even reached the half.

Halftime whistle. Michael Jordan flops into the first available chair. The staff told me Michael Jordan sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. And now, our halftime TV game show Hollywood Squares of Cheese! To win a taxidermy squirrel holding a tiny fishing rod, text HOOPS to 555-0134 and answer this question: 'What is the correct number of ice cubes in a gas station soda?' Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Cleveland Twin-Towers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Ball squirts loose off the knee of the doctor. Back to the day job, my friend. Back to the day job.

Cleveland Twin-Towers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Clear path on Michael Jordan. Two shots AND the ball. That is the expensive one. FLAGRANT ONE! The defender wipes out Michael Jordan in midair and that is nowhere near a basketball play.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Stephen Curry already has the defense a full step behind. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Michael Jordan whips that pass one-handed on the move and the roll man gathers it through contact. Filthy. Not a hand on him. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar flat missed the bunny.

Right through the window. Gregory House to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar on the roll, and the help was a half step late. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Cleveland Twin-Towers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar wraps him up with nobody between the ball and the rim, and the officials do not hesitate for a second.

From WAY downtown off the pop! Stephen Curry with the extra pass and CASH. Whistle! Gregory House got hacked on the way up. Two shots coming. Two shots, two makes. Gregory House does not flinch.

Shoving match at the scorer's table, except it is between Donald Trump and an assistant coach who both want to hug Gregory House first. Gregory House lets them sort it out. The trainer has given up on protecting anybody. Somebody's clipboard is already on the floor.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar avoids the cameras like the plague. Gregory House gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. And here is the answer to our game Hollywood Squares of Cheese! Dwayne Pickle of Beaver Hollow, Pennsylvania, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the correct number of ice cubes in a gas station soda?' The answer was of course all of them, that is the entire business model. Dwayne takes home a taxidermy squirrel holding a tiny fishing rod! On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

97-110 (L)

Michael Jordan attacks the baseline and the ENTIRE defense has to rotate behind him! Michael Jordan pump fakes, gets the defender airborne, and walks right into his chest. Free throws. Spin, one dribble, up and in. Then Michael Jordan does the whole thing again. Zero drama, two points.

Bent double with his hands on his knees, Michael Jordan takes one breath, straightens up and points at the coach who drew the play in the huddle. The coach nods once, no smile. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar pounds the man's shoulder anyway. Respect, delivered at maximum volume.

Boston Ring-Chasers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Watch the spacing there, Gregory House hits Michael Jordan right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. Screen, hesitation, delivery, Michael Jordan drops it off perfectly for Stephen Curry diving to the rim. Textbook footwork, textbook release from Stephen Curry, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

The doctor pulls out the crossover of his life, and Monday morning he clocks in like nothing ever happened. Straight back to the office for the doctor, and the group chat has already seen it twice.

More second chance points for Boston Ring-Chasers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Break! Kareem Abdul-Jabbar rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Did you know Kareem Abdul-Jabbar once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. And now, our halftime TV game show Iron Chef Boy-Are-Dee! To win a bowling trophy from a league that never existed, text HOOPS to 555-0192 and answer this question: 'What is the flavor of blue?' Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.

Stephen Curry gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Gregory House saw it a beat early. Gregory House sets it and slides out instead of rolling, Stephen Curry finds him late, and the defense pays for cheating under the screen. Second pass beats the rotation, Gregory House to Michael Jordan, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. Nasty finish. Michael Jordan hangs, adjusts in midair, and drops it through.

Set called, Donald Trump waved out to the corner, and Stephen Curry watches the spacing open up like a front door. Hesitate, GO. Donald Trump is by that hip before the man even blinks. Donald Trump had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

Cold blooded from Boston Ring-Chasers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

The drive goes baseline, Donald Trump rotates off the weak side and meets him at the rim with both arms straight up. This is the work that never shows up in a box score, and Donald Trump just took two points off the board without a single stat.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Stephen Curry already has the defense a full step behind. OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! Michael Jordan never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! OHHHH, that one died in the air! Michael Jordan put nothing into it and the front rim eats the floater.

Five bodies moving as one, Stephen Curry barking out every rotation, and there is not a crack anywhere in this thing. Winning basketball right there: Stephen Curry knocks the swing pass off course and that offense has to run it back from the top.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Boston Ring-Chasers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the doctor made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. AROUND the cylinder and OUT! Gregory House cannot believe it, and neither can this building.

Stephen Curry hacks the arm on purpose, then throws both hands up like he has never touched a soul in his life. Nobody is buying it.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar scratches the back of his neck nervously. Donald Trump has the look of someone who has seen things. And here is the answer to our game Iron Chef Boy-Are-Dee! Elmer Tunstall of Split Rail, Vermont, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the flavor of blue?' The answer was of course blue, which has been blue since 1968 and nobody has improved on it. Elmer takes home a bowling trophy from a league that never existed! As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

80-124 (L)

Ohhh no. Corner three, San Antonio Skyscrapers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Watch the spacing there, Stephen Curry hits Gregory House right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. Whirl, and GONE! Gregory House leaves the defender grabbing at a jersey that stopped being there half a second ago. Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, Gregory House fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

San Antonio Skyscrapers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Stephen Curry the moment he crosses half court. Fifth possession this half where Stephen Curry has been left to bail everybody out with the clock at zero. He cannot keep doing this alone.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Stephen Curry controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Watch the change of pace from Michael Jordan, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. Two points left on the floor by Michael Jordan, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth.

Halftime whistle. Donald Trump high-fives his teammates on the way out. Anecdote: Donald Trump slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. And now, our halftime TV game show Hollywood Squares of Cheese! To win a taxidermy squirrel holding a tiny fishing rod, text HOOPS to 555-0134 and answer this question: 'What is the correct number of ice cubes in a gas station soda?' We're back! The players look fired up.

Careless stuff from Michael Jordan. That is a free trip to the line for a steal that was never happening. Most defenders get to use their hands. Michael Jordan has five, so he is out there guarding with his eyebrows.

Cold blooded from San Antonio Skyscrapers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Total control. Stephen Curry has this thing on a string. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar just took a shoulder to the chest to buy Michael Jordan half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. Not close, not warm, not anywhere for Michael Jordan, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet.

Hold everything, they are going to the replay on Gregory House, and this building has stopped breathing. Won it at the monitor! Gregory House gets the rock back after that pile of bodies on the sideline.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, San Antonio Skyscrapers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Stephen Curry walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. Hard drive, hard stop, and Donald Trump retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. The investor misses absolutely everything, and honestly, the nerve to even attempt that shot deserves something. Not points. But something.

More second chance points for San Antonio Skyscrapers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Michael Jordan breaks a shell down. Donald Trump splits the coverage with a bounce pass you need slow motion to appreciate. Dimes. The bench has cleared, the crowd is screaming, and somewhere a photographer just got the shot of the season thanks to Stephen Curry.

Three fingers up, walking backward the length of the floor, Stephen Curry never once looks at the basket he just drained. The bench mob is off the seats, towels overhead, security waving them back down. Nobody sits. Nobody in here is going to sit again tonight.

Stephen Curry stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. Up goes the shot from Stephen Curry and that is nothing but AIR, and every soul in this building saw it happen.

Nine seconds to work with, one play call, and it runs through Michael Jordan. When the game shrinks like this, you go to your guy. Donald Trump delivers on the second option, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar buries it, and the coach is already walking back to the bench like he knew. He did know.

Donald Trump bites his lip, fists clenched. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. And here is the answer to our game Hollywood Squares of Cheese! Dwayne Pickle of Beaver Hollow, Pennsylvania, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the correct number of ice cubes in a gas station soda?' The answer was of course all of them, that is the entire business model. Dwayne takes home a taxidermy squirrel holding a tiny fishing rod! I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

91-126 (L)

Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Nobody on earth enjoys taking a charge, which is exactly why Michael Jordan keeps doing it and keeps swinging games.

OHHHHH HE SNATCHED HIS ANKLES! Stephen Curry left him on the hardwood and this building is SHAKING! Ambition, ten out of ten. Footwork, two out of ten. Stephen Curry beat himself before the defender ever showed up.

Dagger from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Watch the sell from Stephen Curry here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on Stephen Curry. Cruel.

The players head in. Michael Jordan slips on the wet tunnel floor. Did you know Michael Jordan knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest's colors. By accident, obviously. And now, our halftime TV game show High Rollers Low Ceilings! To win a beach towel printed with a map of a landlocked county, text HOOPS to 555-1024 and answer this question: 'How many timeouts can a coach call before the crowd revolts?' Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.

Gift wrapped by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, and Stephen Curry cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting. Michael Jordan SKIES for it! Extra life for this offense. Unselfish basketball. Michael Jordan passes up a good shot and hands Stephen Curry a GREAT one. Nobody bothered to contest it, because nobody believed Stephen Curry would shoot from there. Lesson learned the hard way.

Straight to the logo at center court, Stephen Curry plants both feet and flexes until the veins show. The bench is a pile of bodies and airborne headbands. An assistant coach has to be physically restrained by a trainer who is also celebrating.

Watch the spacing there, Michael Jordan hits Kareem Abdul-Jabbar right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. Watch the change of pace from Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. Textbook footwork, textbook release from Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

Clean feed from Michael Jordan, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Left, right, gone. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar put that defender on skates and never even looked back. BANG is what Kareem Abdul-Jabbar was hearing in his head. Clang is what this building actually got.

More second chance points for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Hesitate, GO. Stephen Curry is by that hip before the man even blinks. Nobody moved, nobody cut, nobody set a screen, so Stephen Curry launches a contested jumper with the horn already going. Ugly offense.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Stephen Curry controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. That is vision. Gregory House sees the pocket open for a tenth of a second and puts the ball in it. Rising into two defenders, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar launches a jumper that finds nothing but backboard and bad decisions.

Cold blooded from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Stephen Curry already has the defense a full step behind. The beauty of it is that Kareem Abdul-Jabbar never has to set a screen at all, the exchange IS the screen. Nightmare to guard. Heat check for Michael Jordan and it is GOOD. He is COOKING, and this building knows exactly what it is watching.

Slow walk, no expression. Michael Jordan backpedals past the Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest huddle close enough to hear what is being said and never turns his head. The crowd noise is a physical object at this point. One of their assistants stands up, and nothing comes of it.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Stephen Curry turns and points at his teammates, and the entire bench comes up as one. The doctor just ran the length of the floor to erase a layup off the backboard. Frame that one for the break room!

Michael Jordan mutters 'damn' under his breath. Gregory House says 'yeah' in the same tone. And here is the answer to our game show High Rollers Low Ceilings! Marlene Trickett of Cornsilk Junction, South Dakota, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many timeouts can a coach call before the crowd revolts?' The answer was of course three, and the fourth one starts a conversation nobody enjoys. Marlene therefore wins a beach towel printed with a map of a landlocked county! I learned backstage that Gregory House also does doctor on weekends. That explains those reflexes. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.