My dream football team — football_team 🇬🇧

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-2 (L)

GOAL! Paris Saint-Glinglin have done the damage! Their number nine wheeled away in celebration.

Dead defender. Joey Quinn mimes a sniper taking aim at the travelling support, finger pulled like a trigger, cold as ice. Arthur Mitchell completes the choreography by collapsing. Joey Quinn arrives late, throws himself on the pile, sends a roar through the stands.

The free kick from Dexter Morgan is sent to the near post, María LaGuerta rushes in to meet it. Oh BLOODY HELL María LaGuerta!! OG!! He wanted to tackle the ball in front of Billy Butcher but he sends it rocketing into his own net! The keeper looks to the heavens, the coach has his head in his hands, the STADIUM is in a state of shock!

What a tackle by Arthur Mitchell! Times it to perfection, nicks the ball, and the ref waves play on. Outstanding. Arthur Mitchell rolls it to Debra Morgan, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Debra Morgan shifts it to Brian Moser with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Brian Moser floats a cross in from the wing for James Doakes, the ball hangs in the box! The cross from the police detective is blocked by a defender. That is the risk when you deliver from that area, the defence is watching.

The block holds firm, opposition pushes but it's all in vain. Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. Billy Butcher hits the afterburners and flies past his defender, that is blistering pace. Driven cross from Billy Butcher into the box, Dexter Morgan arrives at full pace at the near post. This smells like a goal. Dexter Morgan sends his cross sailing over everyone, Cristiano Ronaldo cannot even get close to it.

The police detective finds Debra Morgan with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Magnificent leap from Debra Morgan who dominates the aerial duel. When he takes off like that, nobody stands a chance. The police officer plays it simple to María LaGuerta, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Ball in behind from the police officer, Arthur Mitchell is through on goal. That is the kind of pass that justifies the price tag all on its own.

Angel Batista cannot even look at {his} teammates. {he} knows the mistake was {his}. The gaffer knows it too but does not single {him} out. Instead he addresses the room: "We win as a team, we lose as a team. Right now we are losing. So what are we going to do about it? Sit here and sulk, or go out there and fight?" A wonderful anecdote — Dexter Morgan once got lost in an IKEA for two and a half hours. Had to be rescued by staff near the bedroom section. He was 55 at the time and insists the store moved the exits. Classic British Saturday gone wrong. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 6677 and answer this question: 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?' They are back. Arthur Mitchell salutes the travelling fans with a raised fist before taking {his} spot. The faithful respond in kind. Second half. Bring it on.

Compact, solid low block, the opposition doesn't know where to play. The police officer hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did. The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded. Lionel Messi launches it to Angel Batista on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective.

Lionel Messi lays off for Dexter Morgan who has all the time to pick his corner. Dexter Morgan blazes it into the stands when Lionel Messi had opened the door wide! Empty goal and he still finds a way to miss. The game is crying out for a moment of magic, nothing's happening.

GOAL! Paris Saint-Glinglin have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

Joey Quinn climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Debra Morgan films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

They've got their tails up now, every pass has a purpose. Dexter Morgan puts hellish pressure on the opposition build-up and forces the turnover. That is what high pressing looks like.

Oh what a challenge! Arthur Mitchell goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. Arthur Mitchell drops a lollipop in behind the defence, Debra Morgan read the play perfectly and finds himself one on one. Wide from the police officer! The ball licks the post. In that role, that shooting ability is a real asset, the next one's going in. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages.

Intense pressing from Lionel Messi, he wins the ball back thirty yards from goal. Lob attempt from Lionel Messi, the keeper is off his line but the ball rises too high and clears the bar. Frustrating. Driven kick from Joey Quinn to Angel Batista, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield.

Good ball from Cristiano Ronaldo to Dexter Morgan, playing it quick between the lines. The medical examiner strikes but the defender gets his body in the way. In that position, it happens, don't hesitate to pull the trigger again. The player puts his corner in but it is cleared. In that position, the quality of your delivery from corners is what separates danger from damp squibs. Arthur Mitchell boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there.

A loss that will linger. Joey Quinn drives home alone, the radio off, the replay running in his head on repeat. Billy Butcher texts him at midnight: "Chin up. We're still in this." Three dots appear. Disappear. Then: "Yeah. I know." Short texts, big feelings. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Brenda Sogbottom, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?'. The answer was of course three consecutive drizzles, as defined by the Met Office Dampness Protocol of 1991. Brenda wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

2-1 (W)

Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Angel Batista reads the movement from Brian Moser and puts the ball right into the pocket of space. Game intelligence off the charts. What FINESSE on the strike from Brian Moser! On the cross from Debra Morgan, he caresses the ball and it is in the corner!

Every throw-in becomes a corner, every corner becomes a chance. Good delivery from Lionel Messi off the left flank, James Doakes positions himself between the two centre-halves. James Doakes rises on the delivery from Cristiano Ronaldo and powers a furious header into the net!

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment Lionel Messi strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. Brian Moser points at it, jaw on the floor. Joey Quinn shakes his head, not believing it.

Interception from Angel Batista right through the middle, he anticipated the switch of play and placed himself right in the passing lane. Pure intelligence. The police officer switches the play to James Doakes, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter.

Panicked clearance from James Doakes, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done. A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent. They're turning the screw here, wave after wave of attack.

Joey Quinn finds Dexter Morgan with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money. Duel lost by Dexter Morgan, he was jostled in the air and could not get a touch on the ball. The police detective plucks the cross with both hands. In that position, when you have that authority in the air, your defence plays with their eyes closed. Good ball from the player to María LaGuerta, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does.

The gaffer sits down, crosses his arms, and just watches the lads for a moment. Arthur Mitchell is chatting with María LaGuerta about holiday plans. Someone is throwing grapes into someone else's mouth. The staff are relaxed, the players are relaxed. "Right, let us not get complacent," the boss finally says. "But well played. Seriously." Arthur Mitchell's car broke down on the M25 twenty minutes before a cup final, and the 28-year-old hitchhiked with a plumber called Keith from Watford. Both made it in time — Keith got a free programme. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 3355 and answer this question: 'What is the Latin name for a soggy chip?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. María LaGuerta wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

The board goes up, extra minutes to play. The stadium is buzzing. Short pass from the police officer to Lionel Messi, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Lionel Messi charges into the press like a man possessed and rips the ball away from the midfielder. The intensity is frightening.

Granite block, the opposition breaks its teeth on it. DUEEEEL won by Joey Quinn! He cut the line and gathered the ball at the feet. ENORMOUS! Massive clearance from the police detective under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. Decisive interception from the police detective, he cut out the passing lane as if he knew the opposition game plan. That is exactly what you want from a player in that role.

Nightmare! México No-Era-Penal score! That goal was coming, we've been under the cosh.

Joey Quinn climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Arthur Mitchell films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Beautiful distribution from Joey Quinn to Brian Moser, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. The researcher opens up to Angel Batista on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Quick one-two between Angel Batista and Billy Butcher, clean as you like, they are moving forward.

Step-overs from Lionel Messi, the defender has lost the ball completely, the fans are loving it. Lionel Messi sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. Overlap on the left from Lionel Messi, floated cross towards Arthur Mitchell who rises highest at the far post.

Cristiano Ronaldo fires the ball over to Angel Batista with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book. Masterful aerial duel from Angel Batista, he gets above everyone and heads it clear. The attacker was left as a spectator. Angel Batista launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out.

Massive win over México No-Era-Penal! María LaGuerta is the last man off the pitch, soaking in every last decibel. The ground's half-empty but the noise is still deafening. Lionel Messi pops his head out of the tunnel: "Oi, the pizza's getting cold!" Priorities. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Ethel Dripsworth, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the Latin name for a soggy chip?'. The answer was of course Solanum Disappointicus, first classified by a weeping botanist in Grimsby. Ethel wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

2-2 (L)

Decisive interception from Arthur Mitchell who cuts out the opposition's attempt to build from the back. The ball was meant for a striker on the run, but Arthur Mitchell saw it all. Win the ball, punch forward, the transition is electric! GOOOAL from the researcher! POWERFUL strike, the keeper had no chance! In that position, when you have that foot on you, you are dangerous on every ball.

Arthur Mitchell mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Debra Morgan plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Joey Quinn plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

Three on one and they find a way to mess it all up, unbelievable. The police officer embarks on a solo run from his own half. In that position, a run like that is truly exceptional. GOOOOAL from the police officer! He curls it like a master and beats the keeper. In that position, when you have that composure in front of goal, you are decisive.

James Doakes scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive. They're knocking it about without finding any way through, plenty of possession but nothing to show for it. Dead time on the pitch, both sides happy to keep it ticking over. Lay-off from Cristiano Ronaldo to James Doakes, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. James Doakes to Lionel Messi, instant return, and James Doakes is already three yards further on. The one-two has popped the lock.

Dexter Morgan pings a ridiculous diagonal to Cristiano Ronaldo. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal. Absolute peach from Lionel Messi, threading it through for María LaGuerta, the centre-halves are done for! María LaGuerta accelerates and burns past his man on the wing, nobody can keep up!

GOAAAL! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib make no mistake! The defence parted like the Red Sea.

Joey Quinn sits at the end of the bench, head in hands. Decent first half but nothing special, and for a player of {his} quality, nothing special is not good enough. Brian Moser sits down beside {him}: "Second half, mate. It is coming. Trust me." Joey Quinn nods but does not look up. Roommates on away trips confirm Cristiano Ronaldo sleepwalks to the hotel minibar and eats all the Pringles unconsciously. At 41, the lad has no memory of it and denies the crumb evidence every single time. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 5050 and answer this question: 'How many sugars does the Queen's corgi take in its tea?' The ball rolls and we are back in action. Brian Moser picks it up in midfield and plays it forward with purpose. The tempo has shifted. You can feel it.

The player finds Angel Batista along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep. Possession for possession's sake, not a single cross or shot. Angel Batista keeps it short to Debra Morgan, no frills, just good football intelligence. Overlap from the police officer with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy.

Oh that's terrible! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

Free kick from Lionel Messi delivered with pace, Brian Moser finds himself in space at the far post. The researcher wins the aerial duel with authority. In that position, heading is the foundation, and he has just reminded everyone why he starts. Brian Moser curls it and it's GOIIIIING... on target but the keeper dives and pushes it wide. What a save!

Brilliant interception from María LaGuerta, he read the passer's intention before the ball even left his foot. The police officer lays it off first time to Cristiano Ronaldo, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Superb pass from Cristiano Ronaldo into the gap for Arthur Mitchell, the defender is rooted to the spot. The player misplaces his pass to Cristiano Ronaldo, the ball goes nowhere. Not his finest moment.

One-two between Brian Moser and Debra Morgan on the short corner, they go round the first defender. Rapid combination: Debra Morgan to Arthur Mitchell, the ball barely touches the grass between them. The player finds Dexter Morgan along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Superb diagonal from the medical examiner to Arthur Mitchell, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it.

Cristiano Ronaldo grabs the attacker by the shoulder, the referee blows immediately. Cristiano Ronaldo finally goes into the book. Third foul, the ref had enough of it. Cristiano Ronaldo whips it over the wall but the free kick sails over the crossbar. Poor execution.

Brian Moser sends the corner in but a defender gets there first and heads it out for a throw. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. Burst of speed from the leader down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs.

A draw. María LaGuerta claps the home end with tired hands, disappointment showing but not overflowing. Dexter Morgan tucks his shirt back in, legs heavy as lead. The gaffer meets them with a shrug. "We take it. We move on." And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Doreen from Doncaster, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many sugars does the Queen's corgi take in its tea?'. The answer was of course seven and a half, but only on formal occasions. Doreen wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

1-0 (W)

Brian Moser clips the ball into the area with a whipped cross, Lionel Messi gets across the near post first. GOOOOAL! Acrobatic overhead kick from Lionel Messi on the cross from Billy Butcher, that is the goal of the YEAR! The ball flies into the top corner, the stadium is on its FEET!

Debra Morgan is all alone at the back post on the corner from Lionel Messi, he heads it but it goes wide. The police detective launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. What a leap from Debra Morgan! He rises above the lot and wins the header with royal composure. They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing.

The police detective throws it out to Brian Moser, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Aerial duel lost by Brian Moser, he misjudged the flight of the ball and the opponent pounced. Lionel Messi climbs above everyone and powers a header... wide. What a waste.

Raking ball from the police officer to Lionel Messi, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. Overlap from Lionel Messi with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel. No luck for Lionel Messi, the dribble does not come off, the defender anticipates and steals the ball. Turnover and they're off to the races, a proper counter-punch.

Stodgy, sluggish football, the entertainment has drained out of the game. María LaGuerta opens up to Angel Batista on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Angel Batista feeds María LaGuerta in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling.

The boss writes three words on the board: KEEP. IT. GOING. Then turns to face the group. "I do not need to say much. You know what you are doing out there. Joey Quinn, you have been outstanding. James Doakes, keep that right side locked down. The rest of you, same again. Let us finish this properly." Now Angel Batista has a rather unusual pre-match ritual — he has to watch a full episode of EastEnders before kickoff. If Phil Mitchell isn't in the episode, he considers it a bad omen. He's 28 years old and still won't grow out of it. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 7799 and answer this question: 'How many council meetings does it take to name a bench?' The dressing rooms empty and the pitch fills up again. Joey Quinn does a few quick stretches on the touchline before jogging into position. Ready for war.

Arthur Mitchell clears in a panic off his weaker foot, it is not clean but it is out. The important thing is the ball is miles away. Long kick from Joey Quinn, Lionel Messi positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Lionel Messi changes the point of attack with a raking pass to María LaGuerta. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. The police officer shifts Debra Morgan into space, pass weighted to the millimetre. That is his bread and butter, he could do it blindfolded. Debra Morgan tries from distance and CRAAACKS it! On target but the keeper pushes it aside. Unlucky.

The police detective goes long for Dexter Morgan, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Great vision from Dexter Morgan who switches to Angel Batista. The defence pivots, but they are too late. Angel Batista dominates his marker in the air, powerful header to clear the danger. He is the king of the aerial game. Massive clearance from Angel Batista in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished. Brian Moser wins the header in a crowded box, he popped up above three players. That man is an aircraft.

Stunning tackle by María LaGuerta in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. Good ball from the police officer to Lionel Messi, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Overlap from Lionel Messi on the left, he bombs towards the byline at full tilt. Lionel Messi gives it to James Doakes into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision.

We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. Good ball from the leader to Lionel Messi, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Lionel Messi eliminates his opponent with a short piece of skill, absolutely surgical. Lionel Messi slides the ball across the ground in the box, Debra Morgan arrives for the finish. Debra Morgan puts it right into the feet of James Doakes, one touch and away. Silky stuff.

The corner from Dexter Morgan finds Lionel Messi who heads it, goes over the bar. Missed chance. Short restart from the police detective to Lionel Messi, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Lionel Messi wins the aerial battle against the attacker, he jumped earlier, higher, and stronger. Total domination.

Victory! Arthur Mitchell and Joey Quinn lead the squad in a huddle, bouncing and chanting something the microphones can't quite pick up. Probably for the best. Dakar Teranga FC have left the pitch but we're not done yet. The stadium DJ puts on a banger and nobody wants to go home. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Valerie Dampsworth, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many council meetings does it take to name a bench?'. The answer was of course fourteen meetings across eighteen months, plus a public consultation and a strongly worded letter from a retired colonel. Valerie wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

2-3 (L)

And that's a goal! Douala Makossa-Corner extend their lead. We are in deep trouble here.

The police detective positions himself in the passing lane and intercepts the ball. In that role, reading the game is the invisible weapon, and he has just pulled it out at the perfect moment. GOOOAL from the police detective! Undefendable long-range rocket. In that position, when you have a foot capable of unleashing from anywhere, you become a nightmare for defences.

James Doakes runs the entire perimeter of the pitch, slapping every hand sticking out of the fence. It takes him nearly two minutes. The roar follows him round the ground. Joey Quinn tries to keep up and gives up at the halfway line.

Classic from the police officer, cynical foul to kill the break. It's bred into that position. Yellow card for the police officer, a cynical foul to kill the break. It comes with the territory in that role. GOOOAL for Debra Morgan! MAGNIFICENT free kick, the wall jumped, the ball went over, GOAL!

Double backflip off the penalty spot from Debra Morgan. Arthur Mitchell is on his knees clapping, Joey Quinn is screaming 'ARE YOU MENTAL?!' from forty yards away. The home end gets to their feet, flags flapping, scarves overhead. Raw.

Lionel Messi drops a lofted ball to Brian Moser, it sails over the entire midfield line. Pass into no-man's land from Brian Moser, nobody on the end of it, the ball rolls straight to the opposition. Gift. Foul by the medical examiner, pulls the opponent back. In that role you learn quickly when a tactical foul is worth it. Yellow card for the medical examiner, a crude tackle unworthy of someone in that role.

Billy Butcher sends Angel Batista into acres of space with a clipped ball over the top. The defence turns, but it is way too late. Heroic rush from the police detective! When your keeper comes out at the feet like that, you know you can defend high without trembling. Joey Quinn plays it short to Lionel Messi, building out from the back. Calculated risk.

Tea cups everywhere. The gaffer has launched the lot. There is PG Tips running down the wall and broken ceramic on the floor. "That," he says, pointing at the mess, "is what our defensive shape looks like right now. An absolute disaster." Dexter Morgan stares at the carnage. Lionel Messi swallows hard. Nobody disagrees. A train mix-up saw Lionel Messi end up in Scunthorpe instead of Southampton for an away match. The 39-year-old spent three hours in a Wetherspoons before the gaffer sent a minibus. And now, our TV game show Supermarket Sweep the Nation! To win a trolley dash through the reduced section at Tesco, text 0800YELLOW and answer: 'What time do the yellow stickers go on at your local supermarket?' The PA announces the restart and the stadium comes alive. Joey Quinn is already in position, feet planted, shoulders square. Locked and loaded.

They've scored! Douala Makossa-Corner break the deadlock and the momentum has completely shifted.

Heroic recovery from the police detective, covers the entire pitch to come and help out. In that role, it's that warrior mentality that makes all the difference. James Doakes wraps an arm around the opponent to slow him down. Referee has seen it. James Doakes sends an inswinging free kick in, Angel Batista rises for the header at the far post. Lovely claim from Joey Quinn! He comes through traffic and gathers without flinching. Top class goalkeeping.

It's there! Douala Makossa-Corner tap it in from close range. Where was the marking?

Joey Quinn stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Debra Morgan follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Joey Quinn plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

Joey Quinn smashes a volley towards Lionel Messi, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Switch from Lionel Messi! The ball arcs over the midfield and James Doakes collects it on the other side. Stretching the play. James Doakes rises above the pack and wins the header with ease. He got so high it looked like he had springs in his boots.

Intense press, the defender misplaces the pass under pressure. High recovery from Billy Butcher! He hounded the defender until he cracked. The pressing pays off. One touch football: Billy Butcher to María LaGuerta, faster than the opposition can think.

Corner from Lionel Messi, Debra Morgan heads it with a diving effort but it goes over the bar. Shame. Long ball from Joey Quinn for Debra Morgan who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy. Incredible burst of pace from Debra Morgan, he eats up the ground in just a few strides. Debra Morgan crosses from the left side, the ball hangs in the area, Brian Moser is in the right place.

James Doakes sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Lionel Messi. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. Cross from Lionel Messi, he puts it on the far post for Billy Butcher. Lovely take from Joey Quinn! He comes off his line and claims the cross, clean as a whistle. Joey Quinn hoofs it forward towards Dexter Morgan, clearance mode, no time to mess about.

Short distribution from Joey Quinn to Arthur Mitchell, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. Arthur Mitchell scuffs the pass, the ball spins off the boot and heads towards the dugout. Lonely moment. That is a tackle of the highest order from Brian Moser. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic. Brian Moser looks up and launches a long pass towards María LaGuerta. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. María LaGuerta drives down the flank and puts in an inswinging cross, the ball curves away from the defence and reaches Angel Batista.

Painful afternoon. María LaGuerta and Brian Moser walk side by side toward the tunnel, neither saying a word. Their studs echo on the concrete. Somewhere behind them, Douala Makossa-Corner's lot are singing. It carries down the corridor. Sounds get louder when you've lost. Julie from Leicester says half seven on a Tuesday is prime yellow sticker time and she has the elbows to prove it. Trolley dash for Julie! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

1-1 (L)

The police officer finds James Doakes along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. The police detective presses high and forces the defender into an error. In that position, the ability to recover the ball that high up changes the entire complexion of a match. GOOOOAL! James Doakes was on the penalty spot at the right moment. With the tip of his boot he puts the ball in!

Rehearsed move all week: Debra Morgan and Arthur Mitchell stage a Wild West duel, back to back, ten paces, turn, fire. Joey Quinn plays the corpse in the middle. The stadium wants an encore, they do it twice more before the ref cuts it off.

Lifesaving clearance from María LaGuerta! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters. Crossfield pass from María LaGuerta to Debra Morgan, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. Ball into space from the police detective for Angel Batista, the channel is wide open. When you have got that kind of vision, you cause damage. Angel Batista gets to the byline and cuts it back low, María LaGuerta just needs to sidefoot it home.

Dexter Morgan delivers a pinpoint free kick into the box, Arthur Mitchell is there to receive. Arthur Mitchell gets his head on it but it lacks precision, drifting just left of the post. Joey Quinn opts for the short option to Lionel Messi, keeping possession, building play, no panic.

GOAL! Lagos No-Carry-Last have broken through! Their forward buried it into the bottom corner.

Arthur Mitchell goes to ground and absolutely nails the tackle. Ball won, danger cleared, crowd on their feet. Arthur Mitchell links up with Dexter Morgan, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Good ball from the medical examiner to María LaGuerta, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. María LaGuerta crosses from the wing, the ball flies across the box like a missile and Cristiano Ronaldo is there to meet it. Cristiano Ronaldo tries a cross but it is repelled by a well-positioned defender. Nothing doing.

The gaffer pulls up Lagos No-Carry-Last's shape on the screen: "See how high their line is? One ball over the top and we are in. James Doakes, you have the pace. Arthur Mitchell, you have the vision. Put it together and we are laughing." It sounds simple. Football always sounds simple at halftime. Doing it is the hard part. Cristiano Ronaldo once got stuck in a climbing frame during a Year 6 school trip and the fire brigade had to cut the lad free. Now 185 and 41, the photos are still pinned to his mum's fridge. And now, our TV game show Taskmaster of the Obvious! To win a laminated bus timetable from 2019, text 4678 and answer: 'How early should you arrive at a bus stop to guarantee the bus has already left?' Whistle. Ball. Movement. Joey Quinn is on it from the very first second, demanding the pass, pointing, shouting. The longest forty-five minutes of the evening start now.

Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill. The police officer catches the opponent late. At that position you're always walking a fine line between aggression and discipline. Short free kick, Angel Batista gives it to María LaGuerta who finds himself with space to work with. María LaGuerta strings together a double stepover and leaves the defender for dead. Sublime skill. OHHH it's gone past by a whisker! María LaGuerta strikes and the ball grazes the right-hand post.

Instinctive clearance from Angel Batista who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day. Joey Quinn distributes by hand to Lionel Messi on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Lionel Messi launches himself and thumps a dominant header on the cross. The opponent was still on the ground while Lionel Messi was flying. Almighty boot from Lionel Messi who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe.

Arthur Mitchell intercepts in the danger zone, he read the opposition's combination as if he had the match script in his back pocket. Arthur Mitchell swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Billy Butcher, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision.

Clearance from the police detective towards James Doakes, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. James Doakes switches the play to Angel Batista on the far side, superb crossfield ball! Sideways ball from Angel Batista to Arthur Mitchell, switching the point of attack, stretching the block.

Lovely on the eye but completely sterile, no penetration at all. Brian Moser sends a cross that finds nobody, the ball flies past the far post with no takers. Lovely take from the police detective! Aerial command nailed down, that is what you ask of a modern keeper, to rule his box. Billy Butcher slips James Doakes in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever.

Blistering solo run from Lionel Messi, he covers sixty yards on his own, beating three defenders. Vicious tackle from Lionel Messi, he's left the attacker in a heap on the floor. Yellow card for Lionel Messi, two-footed lunge off the ground. Could easily have been red. Lionel Messi lines up his free kick but the wall blocks everything. Frustrating.

Level. Debra Morgan picks up his captain's armband from where he'd dropped it mid-match and tucks it carefully into his kitbag. Dexter Morgan waits by the door. "Right. Shall we?" "Let's." Nothing more. Some nights the words aren't needed. Leonard from Barnsley says fifteen minutes early guarantees the bus left fourteen minutes ago. Laminated timetable for Leonard! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

2-2 (L)

James Doakes launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. Ball recovered and they've gone from end to end in the blink of an eye. GOOOAL for Dexter Morgan! On the cross from Billy Butcher, he controls and shoots, sends a bomb into the back of the net. SUMPTUOUS!

Perfect back flip from James Doakes right in front of the home end, five-star landing. Lionel Messi tries the same behind him, lands flat on his arse, the whole squad doubled over laughing. Even Joey Quinn has made it up, hands on knees, breathless. Proper scenes.

Dexter Morgan wins the ball back high up the pitch after an outrageous press. The defender crumbled under the pressure. What a ball from Dexter Morgan! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and James Doakes is away on his own. That is velvet. James Doakes winds up and it is a BULLET! The ball travels through the box at the speed of light, GOAL!

Dexter Morgan runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Joey Quinn gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

Ferocious high press, the ball carrier is in full panic mode. High recovery from the police officer who hounds the carrier until he coughs it up. In that role, pressing is not a bonus, it is part of the job description. CRAAACKER from Debra Morgan outside the box! On target, heading for the net but the keeper pushes wide!

The player boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. Firm pass from Brian Moser into Billy Butcher, right into the boots. No waste. Billy Butcher sends the defender the wrong way with a stepover, that is technically brutal.

It's a goal! Barranquilla Toque-Toque go ahead! The ball was drilled low and hard into the corner.

Joey Quinn finds the TV camera and kisses it like a long-lost love. Billy Butcher plays the jealous partner alongside. The live broadcast lingers for eight solid seconds, the commentators crying with laughter. The memes are already circulating before kickoff resumes.

The gaffer pulls up Barranquilla Toque-Toque's shape on the screen: "See how high their line is? One ball over the top and we are in. María LaGuerta, you have the pace. Dexter Morgan, you have the vision. Put it together and we are laughing." It sounds simple. Football always sounds simple at halftime. Doing it is the hard part. A Ryanair mix-up saw Brian Moser land in Bratislava instead of Barcelona for a pre-season friendly. The 28-year-old spent 14 hours in a Slovak kebab shop before the club sent a rescue taxi. And now, our TV game show Bake Off the Rails! To win a soggy bottom certificate signed by Paul Hollywood, text 3412 and answer: 'What temperature should you bake a Victoria sponge if your oven only has two settings: warm and volcanic?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Debra Morgan is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Low block set up sweetly, the opposition plays around it with no danger. Joey Quinn sticks out his left foot and beats away the strike! Reflex save, impossible piece of goalkeeping! Joey Quinn sparks the transition with a quick throw to Debra Morgan, the break is lightning fast.

Emergency clearance from the police officer, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play. Diagonal from María LaGuerta to Billy Butcher, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end. Lay-off from Cristiano Ronaldo to James Doakes out wide, the ball rolls down the channel like it is on rails. James Doakes reaches the byline and rolls it back along the ground, Arthur Mitchell receives it in the box. It is on a plate.

Free kick crossed in by the police officer into the box! In that position, putting deliveries like that into the area is what creates danger at every set piece. The cross from Brian Moser is blocked by a defender in the box. The defence holds firm. Brian Moser takes his corner to the near post but a defender is there to cut it out. Wing switch from Cristiano Ronaldo, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and María LaGuerta brings it down with a velvet touch. Class.

It's all going one way, the pressure is relentless. Brian Moser fires with his left but the defender intervenes and deflects the shot. The defence holds. Lionel Messi tries a floated cross but the defender rises and heads it clear. Clearance from Dexter Morgan under pressure, the ball flies into touch on the far side. It is not in the coaching manual but it works.

Oh it's gone in! Barranquilla Toque-Toque find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

Perfect back flip from Joey Quinn right in front of the home end, five-star landing. Debra Morgan tries the same behind him, lands flat on his arse, the whole squad doubled over laughing. Even Joey Quinn has made it up, hands on knees, breathless. Proper scenes.

Ball won high, counter away, it's a proper turbo-charged break. Lightning overlap from Debra Morgan, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides. Short pass from the police officer to Cristiano Ronaldo, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level.

What positioning from Arthur Mitchell! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts. Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered. Strike from Billy Butcher that fizzes just wide! The ball licks the upright, so close to a goal.

Points shared. Cristiano Ronaldo sits on the grass for a full minute, staring up at the floodlights. Brian Moser crouches beside him: "Come on mate, let's get inside. Tuesday's another game." Long season. Draws happen. Nobody's thrilled, nobody's devastated. Doris from Bakewell says volcanic obviously and Paul Hollywood gave her an approving nod through the telly. Soggy bottom certificate is hers! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

2-3 (L)

GOAAAL! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa make it count! Sliced through us like a hot knife through butter.

Joey Quinn stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. James Doakes follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Joey Quinn plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

Lionel Messi lobs the centre-halves with an inch-perfect cross, Arthur Mitchell arrives centrally behind them. Dream scenario. The player produces a scissor kick for the AGES! In that position, having the coordination and AUDACITY to attempt that finish is what separates good players from GREAT ones. MAGNIFICENT GOAL!

Lionel Messi places the ball on the centre spot, stands on top of it, arms in a V like a pharaoh on his throne. Dexter Morgan falls to his knees bowing. Joey Quinn does a slow sarcastic clap. The home end loves this magnificent arrogance.

Debra Morgan takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race. Lay-off from Debra Morgan to Lionel Messi in the heart of the box, the path to goal is clear. GOOOOAL! Lionel Messi places it in the far corner, pure art! The keeper had no time to move.

Short restart from the police detective to James Doakes, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Smooth transition from James Doakes to Angel Batista, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Angel Batista lays it off first time to James Doakes, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely.

The player shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Debra Morgan. Pure quality, as per usual. Awful pass from Debra Morgan, the ball goes out of play. That had disaster written all over it from the start. Clinical interception from Cristiano Ronaldo, he cuts out the pass between the opposition lines and breaks forward on the counter. The crowd loves it, and rightly so. Change of flanks from Cristiano Ronaldo, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Angel Batista.

Debra Morgan cannot even look at {his} teammates. {he} knows the mistake was {his}. The gaffer knows it too but does not single {him} out. Instead he addresses the room: "We win as a team, we lose as a team. Right now we are losing. So what are we going to do about it? Sit here and sulk, or go out there and fight?" Unbelievable but true — James Doakes has been banned from three separate branches of Nando's for excessive use of the bottomless refill machine. He views it as a personal challenge, not a service. The man is 28 and shows no signs of slowing down. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 2024 and answer this question: 'How tall is the average Tuesday in centimetres?' The whistle goes and twenty-two players get back to it. María LaGuerta claps {his} hands three times, {his} little pre-half ritual. Here we go.

Lionel Messi launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Cristiano Ronaldo, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully. Looping cross from Cristiano Ronaldo, it sails over the centre-halves and drops towards María LaGuerta. Danger. Reflex save from the police detective! When your keeper makes that kind of stop, you want to win the match for him. Corner from Dexter Morgan, Debra Morgan throws himself at it and heads it but it goes past the right post.

Short restart from Joey Quinn to Angel Batista, building from the back nice and tidy. The police officer intercepts the pass with textbook reading of the game. In that position, it is that intelligence that separates a good player from a great one. Angel Batista finds Brian Moser between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Brian Moser picks out Dexter Morgan with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice.

GOAL! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa have netted! Their forward pounced on the loose ball. Clinical.

'I told you so' mode. Joey Quinn eyeballs the Montevideo Garra-Charrúa bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. James Doakes pulls Joey Quinn away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

Brilliant switch of play from Cristiano Ronaldo! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Lionel Messi. Lionel Messi sends in a classic cross, it arrives on James Doakes in the thick of it. Aerial claim from Joey Quinn! He grabs the ball in both hands and clutches it to his chest. The keeper is on guard. Joey Quinn plays it along the ground to Angel Batista, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too.

The police detective lays it off first time to Lionel Messi, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Gorgeous crossfield ball from Lionel Messi to Dexter Morgan, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow. Pinpoint delivery from the medical examiner towards James Doakes, the ball lands on a sixpence. In that position, crosses are half the job.

Oh no, Montevideo Garra-Charrúa have scored from the spot! Cool as you like into the corner.

Full-pitch press, the centre-back panics and boots it into touch. Brian Moser swoops like a bird of prey on the defender and rips the ball away. Devastating press, the opposition is suffocating. The researcher finds Billy Butcher along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average.

Quick throw from Joey Quinn to Arthur Mitchell out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. The player reads the play and puts in a textbook challenge. That's the sort of awareness you need in that position, and he's delivered it perfectly. The player lays it off first time to Lionel Messi, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Lionel Messi goes for it and fires! Wide, just to the left of goal. Not far off at all.

Joey Quinn sits in the dugout after everyone's gone inside, watching the empty pitch. Cristiano Ronaldo reappears with two cups of tea. They sit in silence, sipping, staring at the grass. "Same again Tuesday?" asks Cristiano Ronaldo. Joey Quinn almost smiles. Almost. Football goes on. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Ethel Dripsworth, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How tall is the average Tuesday in centimetres?'. The answer was of course 147 centimetres, slightly shorter than a Wednesday. Ethel wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

1-1 (L)

Arthur Mitchell throws himself into the passing lane and comes away with the ball. Phenomenal reading of the game. Raid from Arthur Mitchell starting in his own half, he eats up the pitch and arrives in front of goal. Moment of madness. GOOOOAL from Arthur Mitchell! On the inswinging cross from Debra Morgan, he places his shot along the ground and the ball is in!

Joey Quinn rolls it short to Angel Batista into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. The police officer reads the pass and intercepts cleanly. When you have that reading ability in that position, you snuff out attacks before they even begin. Supersonic transition, but the final shot ends up in the clouds. Solo raid from Cristiano Ronaldo from inside his own half, he beats everyone. That is unbelievable. Just wide from Cristiano Ronaldo, needed a fraction more accuracy on that.

Corner from Dexter Morgan, it is a whipped delivery but a defender intervenes and clears. The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. Devastating burst of pace from Lionel Messi, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank. Lionel Messi slides the ball along the ground for María LaGuerta, the keeper is stranded on this cut-back. The police officer shoots but it's blocked by the defender. In that position, right to have a go but the defender read it well.

Long ball from Dexter Morgan to Arthur Mitchell, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. The player dominates his marker in the air with insulting ease. That kind of aerial mastery in that position makes a team unbeatable from set pieces.

Monster clearance from James Doakes! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. Hollow dominance, not a single dangerous move on show. Short build-up from Debra Morgan to Brian Moser, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Brian Moser sticks to the opposition midfielder and ends up winning the ball in a dangerous area. Pressing is sacrifice, and Brian Moser has it in buckets. The researcher winds up and fires, wide but close. In that position, keep pulling the trigger, the goal is coming.

The gaffer marches in and goes straight to the whiteboard without a word. He moves magnets around in silence while Billy Butcher stares at the floor, hands on knees. Nobody speaks. The tension is thicker than a foggy Tuesday night in Stoke. Finally the boss breaks it: "We are not here to draw. Sort it out." A delightful detail about Joey Quinn — he's been knitting scarves since lockdown and hasn't stopped. The entire squad has one. They're absolutely terrible, full of holes, but nobody has the heart to tell him. The lad is 28 and fully committed to the craft. And now, our TV game show Supermarket Sweep the Nation! To win a trolley dash through the reduced section at Tesco, text 0800YELLOW and answer: 'What time do the yellow stickers go on at your local supermarket?' The referee blows the whistle and the second half kicks off. Joey Quinn takes the ball immediately and drives forward. No messing about.

They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass. Powerful run from Cristiano Ronaldo down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there. Cristiano Ronaldo lobs it over the entire defence for Billy Butcher, that is laser-guided. Ball claimed by Joey Quinn on the cross, total authority in his box. Joey Quinn goes long for Arthur Mitchell, the ball flies straight into the opposition half.

Lovely anticipation from the police officer who cuts out the opposition pass. In his position, that kind of interception is worth as much as a goal. Angel Batista pings a long diagonal to Brian Moser, completely shifts the point of attack. Aerial duel won by the researcher, he crushes it in the air. When you have that leap in that role, you rule your box. The researcher is beaten to the header by his marker. In that position, a lost duel like that is a warning sign.

Oh no, Buenos Aires Pecho Frío score a worldie! Fair play, but our hearts are sinking.

Aggressive high press, the opposition keeper is already sweating. Arthur Mitchell steps across the opponent and impedes the run. Obstruction. Free kick. Deserved booking for Arthur Mitchell, he'd been getting away with murder all half. The free kick is played as a short pass by Arthur Mitchell, Angel Batista picks it up and drives forward. SO CLOSE! Angel Batista sends a rocket that kisses the post on its way out. A fraction more and that's in.

Lionel Messi whips the ball into the box from the free kick, Angel Batista throws himself at it for a header. Corner from Angel Batista, the ball's pinballing around the box, bodies everywhere, defense finally clears! BLOCKED by the defender! James Doakes was unlucky there, good shot but even better block. Brian Moser throws himself at it and clears the ball just in time, he has saved the furniture with whatever was at hand.

Wicked through ball from Lionel Messi, the ball skims the grass and finds Brian Moser who had set off before anyone else even noticed. The researcher lets fly and it's wide. Flirted with the frame though. In that position, with a tiny bit more precision that's going in. Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end. The leader trips the opponent to halt the break. Comes with the territory in that position, sometimes you just have to foul.

Draw against Buenos Aires Pecho Frío. Joey Quinn kisses the club badge as he passes the home end — a gesture for the fans, regardless. Brian Moser does the same. The squad stays tight, the season rolls on. Nights like this, you close ranks. Julie from Leicester says half seven on a Tuesday is prime yellow sticker time and she has the elbows to prove it. Trolley dash for Julie! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

1-0 (W)

Arthur Mitchell puts in a crunching challenge, all ball, no foul. The attacker's left with absolutely nothing. Powerful run from Arthur Mitchell, he shrugs off challenges and carries the ball up the pitch. LOB from the player over the keeper! GOAL! In that position, when you have that ability to read the game and finish with that much CLASS, you are simply an ARTIST.

Arthur Mitchell runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Angel Batista gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

Decisive interception from the player, he cut out the passing lane as if he knew the opposition game plan. That is exactly what you want from a player in that role. Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking.

Arthur Mitchell arrives at pace on the corner from Brian Moser, header at the near post but it is too wide. The police detective goes long for Billy Butcher, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. The leader overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon. Cut-back along the turf from the leader for Brian Moser. That kind of low delivery takes serious game intelligence.

Brian Moser goes for a desperate slide but he's about a mile away from the ball. Not his finest moment. Joey Quinn fumbles, the ball slips, he parries it into the middle! That is the kind of mistake that costs you. Lionel Messi boots the ball as far as he possibly can with an emergency clearance. Zero style, one hundred percent effectiveness.

María LaGuerta plants his studs on the attacker's ankle. That's as bad as it gets. Complete uncertainty in the stadium, VAR has been called in, nobody is breathing. VAR correction against the police officer! In that role you can't cheat — the video is watching. Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality.

The gaffer strolls into the dressing room with a grin wider than the Stretford End. Debra Morgan is sprawled on the bench like {he} just won the pools. "More of the same, lads, more of the same," says the boss, tapping the tactics board once for emphasis. Someone chucks a towel at Cristiano Ronaldo and the whole room erupts. Proper buzzing in here. Reports suggest that Joey Quinn once drove forty-five minutes in the wrong direction because he refused to use a sat-nav. Said it was 'cheating.' Eventually stopped at a Little Chef that had been closed since 2012. The man is 28 and proud of it. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 6688 and answer this question: 'What speed does a rumour travel through a Wetherspoons?' And we are back underway! Billy Butcher jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

James Doakes puts Debra Morgan into orbit with a laser-guided through ball. The kind of pass that lifts an entire stadium to its feet. Careless distribution from Debra Morgan, the ball lands straight at an opponent's feet. The kind of pass that costs you. Counter from their own goal, and all that just to butcher the cross. Lionel Messi decides to do it all himself, he eats up the ground and wipes out everything in his path.

What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere. Cristiano Ronaldo hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust. Cristiano Ronaldo reaches the byline and cuts it back for Debra Morgan arriving from the second wave. Wasted cross from the police officer, it goes out for a throw. At this level, you expect better delivery from the crosses. Joey Quinn catapults the ball towards María LaGuerta from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot.

The midfielders are enjoying their little triangles but what's the point? Cristiano Ronaldo has a go but it drifts to the right of goal. Not far away though. The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up.

What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end. Key pass from Angel Batista! It fizzes between the lines and Lionel Messi collects on the run, the defence is left for dead. OH COME ON! Lionel Messi is offside by a fraction, Angel Batista's through ball was absolutely perfect. The referee's earpiece is buzzing, VAR has spotted something. Hearts are in mouths.

Arthur Mitchell triggers a change of flanks for Billy Butcher, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Billy Butcher forces a pass to Arthur Mitchell who was not in position. Bad read, ball gone. Debra Morgan tears into the opposition build-up, running everywhere, and ends up stealing the ball. That man is a guard dog. Lovely use of the ball by Debra Morgan, finding Billy Butcher in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Billy Butcher nutmegs the defender, the opponent is left on the floor. Filthy.

What a performance! Lionel Messi exchanges jerseys with the Rio Malandro FC skipper — firm handshake, quiet word, respect between competitors. Then he turns and unleashes a primal scream at the sky. Dexter Morgan just laughs. "He does that every time we win," he tells the camera. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Derek Blandford-Tepid, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What speed does a rumour travel through a Wetherspoons?'. The answer was of course faster than light but slower than the service, which is technically impossible but somehow true. Derek wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

1-1 (L)

The press is suffocating, the opposition can't play out cleanly at all! Intense pressing from the medical examiner, he wins the ball in the opposition half. When you have that engine in that role, you suffocate any team. GOOOAL from the medical examiner! World class placed finish! In that position, knowing how to find the bottom corner like that is what makes the great players.

Dexter Morgan scans the family section, finds them, blows kisses with both hands. His kids are crying on their mum's shoulder. Debra Morgan is already there for the instagram shot. Scenes that make you remember why you fell for this game.

Brian Moser rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Angel Batista. The far side is completely deserted. Angel Batista fires a powerful cross into the danger zone, Cristiano Ronaldo throws himself at it. It is heating up in the box. Cristiano Ronaldo tries to get up for the duel but the attacker beats him to the header. The timing was off.

Good ball from the leader to James Doakes, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. The police detective accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything. Shirt pull from James Doakes, the attacker's jersey stretches about two yards! The ref reaches for his pocket. James Doakes is booked for deliberately hauling down the attacker on the break.

Wall pass between Billy Butcher and María LaGuerta, the combination comes off a treat. Brian Moser launches a long ball for Billy Butcher, but he's well offside. Defence did well. Short restart from the police detective to Arthur Mitchell, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Arthur Mitchell slides it to Brian Moser, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

The police officer absolutely clatters the attacker with a wild lunge. That kind of recklessness has no place in that position. Debra Morgan sees yellow for that dangerous challenge. The intent was clear, the ref was right. The free kick from Debra Morgan is a dangerous one, Cristiano Ronaldo meets it on the volley inside the six-yard box. Cristiano Ronaldo wins the header and flicks it on for Angel Batista. He took the elevator while the rest were queuing for the stairs.

Debra Morgan sits at the end of the bench, head in hands. Decent first half but nothing special, and for a player of {his} quality, nothing special is not good enough. Joey Quinn sits down beside {him}: "Second half, mate. It is coming. Trust me." Debra Morgan nods but does not look up. You won't believe this, but Cristiano Ronaldo has been collecting Tesco Clubcard points since he was fourteen years old. Word in the dressing room is he's sitting on over two million points and still won't spend them. Saving up for a caravan in Skegness, apparently. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 1066 and answer this question: 'What colour is a transparent roundabout?' The dressing rooms empty and the pitch fills up again. Lionel Messi does a few quick stretches on the touchline before jogging into position. Ready for war.

Monster clearance from Joey Quinn, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Angel Batista. Angel Batista looks for Arthur Mitchell with a ball in behind but it is massively overhit. The opposition keeper collects without moving.

The free kick from Dexter Morgan clears the defence and finds Billy Butcher in the danger area. What a SHAMBLES in the box after Billy Butcher's corner! Bodies everywhere, somehow the defense holds! James Doakes lets rip but a defender sacrifices himself and takes the shot full in the face. Warrior. Cristiano Ronaldo launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty.

Loads of ball, no ideas, we're waiting for someone to try something. The police officer has a pop, it's wide but grazes the post. In that position, having the bravery to shoot is good, just needs a fraction more accuracy. A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all. Debra Morgan sends an aerial beauty to Arthur Mitchell, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile. Arthur Mitchell makes a mess of a simple pass to Dexter Morgan, the ball bobbles and ends up with the opposition.

Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. Overlap from Lionel Messi on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed. Cut-back along the ground from Lionel Messi on the right, Arthur Mitchell picks it up centrally in front of goal. Massive chance. Golden chance wasted by the player after the perfect service from Angel Batista. In that role, it is these moments that separate a good player from a great one.

It was bound to happen. Istanbul Cehennem FK score and honestly, we deserved that.

Joey Quinn runs to the technical area, kisses the assistant coach's tablet, drops it — it shatters, the analyst goes mental. Brian Moser gathers the bits laughing. The gaffer has his head in his hands, half-amused, half-murderous.

Wall pass between the police detective and Angel Batista, the combination is crystal clear. That is exactly why he plays there. Foul given against James Doakes, he went through the back of the opponent. Booking for James Doakes, persistent fouling. The referee drew a line in the sand.

Honours even. Brian Moser finds a corner of the dressing room, headphones on, eyes shut. María LaGuerta walks past, taps his knee twice — silent support. The gaffer arrives: "We'll talk when everyone's ready. No rush." Well read, gaffer. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Trevor Mildew-Parsnip, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What colour is a transparent roundabout?'. The answer was of course a sort of disappointed beige. Trevor wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-1 (L)

María LaGuerta reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. Solo charge from María LaGuerta, he sets off from midfield and arrives in the opposition box. GOOOOOOL from María LaGuerta! On the pass from Brian Moser, he curls it with the right foot and beats the keeper at the far post!

We all thought that was over but James Doakes comes steaming back from the other end of the pitch to clear the danger. The police detective takes the booking without complaint. At that spot on the pitch, it's just good game management. James Doakes goes into the book for a tactical trip. He'd rather take the card than face a two-on-one. James Doakes is dismissed after picking up two yellow cards. Self-inflicted damage. James Doakes drops the ball in from the free kick, Angel Batista arrives at the near post.

Quick exchange between Arthur Mitchell and Lionel Messi, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Lionel Messi fires a low ball back across the box for Cristiano Ronaldo, the defence is caught wrong-footed.

It's hit the back of the net! Milano Piano-Piano lead and we look completely lost.

Joey Quinn and Angel Batista do the rehearsed move from the last party: imaginary top hat lift, military salute, spin. Flawless. Joey Quinn arrives late, misses his cue, flubs it spectacularly. The crowd in bits.

Brian Moser anticipates the run from Cristiano Ronaldo and fires a low missile in behind the defence. Perfect connection. Debra Morgan slides it through for Cristiano Ronaldo, but the offside flag kills the move dead. Joey Quinn distributes short to Billy Butcher, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Billy Butcher dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution.

The physio works on Brian Moser's calf while the boss talks. "Their right-back is bombing forward every time. Brian Moser, you get in behind him the second we win it back. James Doakes, play the ball early." The instructions are sharp, specific. This is a chess match now and the gaffer is moving his pieces. Now Joey Quinn — and this is absolutely true — once entered a Wetherspoons curry club night and ate three lamb bhuna in a single sitting. At 180, the man is essentially a furnace. The manager gave him a round of applause and a free pint. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 7777 and answer this question: 'Which British prime minister invented the roundabout?' Forty-five minutes left on the clock. Cristiano Ronaldo knows it, the fans know it, even the bloke selling pies behind the away end knows it. This is where it matters.

Angel Batista slides into the passing lane and nicks the ball. The opposition does not know what just happened. Counter perfect until the last yard when everything goes haywire. The medical examiner roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head.

Angel Batista anticipates the pass and intercepts cleanly. The opposition midfielder thought he had found the gap, but it was a trap. The police officer shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to María LaGuerta. Pure quality, as per usual. The police officer produces the tackle of the match, impeccable timing and technique. That ability to read the game defensively from that position is absolutely priceless. María LaGuerta spots Angel Batista in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness. The police officer reads the movement before anyone else and puts Dexter Morgan into space. In that position, that is the kind of pass that changes a game.

James Doakes clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched. James Doakes goes crossfield to Dexter Morgan, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Acceleration from Dexter Morgan down the side, he takes the space behind the full-back. It is a motorway. Dexter Morgan sends his cross straight into the keeper's gloves, nobody on the end of it. Clearance from the police detective towards Dexter Morgan, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too.

Magnificent tackle from James Doakes! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. Lionel Messi strikes from 20 yards, good effort but it drifts just right. A touch too much curl. Passing it around in the centre circle, not a single risk taken.

Lovely cross from the medical examiner on the free kick! In that position, when you have got that kind of delivery, you become the set piece specialist. Brian Moser takes off and beats everyone to the header. Nobody can compete with him in the air. Overlap from the researcher with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy. The researcher fouls the opponent to break up the attack. It's part of the job at that position, knowing when to take one for the team. Brian Moser gives it short to James Doakes from the free kick, tactical and cunning approach.

Short restart from the police detective to Debra Morgan, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Debra Morgan plays it simple to Cristiano Ronaldo, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Cristiano Ronaldo plays it into the channel for Billy Butcher, the defensive line is split clean in two. That is pure filth.

Honours even. James Doakes finds a corner of the dressing room, headphones on, eyes shut. Angel Batista walks past, taps his knee twice — silent support. The gaffer arrives: "We'll talk when everyone's ready. No rush." Well read, gaffer. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Norman Pebbledash, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which British prime minister invented the roundabout?'. The answer was of course Lord Palmerston, who was going around in circles politically and decided to make it literal. Norman wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-2 (L)

The police officer goes to ground but the attacker just breezes past. In that position, you've got to stay on your feet longer before committing. PENALTY for Debra Morgan! He enters the box, the defender brings him down and the referee points to the spot! No DOUBT about it, it is a penalty. The pressure is ENORMOUS. The police officer converts his penalty without flinching! GOOOAL! In that position, that calm facing the keeper is what makes the great players.

Debra Morgan places the ball on the centre spot, stands on top of it, arms in a V like a pharaoh on his throne. Dexter Morgan falls to his knees bowing. Joey Quinn does a slow sarcastic clap. The home end loves this magnificent arrogance.

Joey Quinn throws it out quickly to Lionel Messi, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. It falls apart for Lionel Messi, the pass goes the wrong way entirely, the opponent recovers and starts again. They've turned defence into attack in one touch, that's vintage stuff. Lionel Messi spots the run from James Doakes and slips it in behind the defence, inch-perfect!

GOAAAL for Sevilla Olé-Olé! The keeper got a hand to it but couldn't keep it out.

The police officer switches the play to Billy Butcher, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. The leader gets to the byline and floats one in for Debra Morgan. Crossing is his bread and butter. Debra Morgan loses the header in the box, the opponent imposed himself physically. Dangerous situation.

GOAAAL for Sevilla Olé-Olé! What a howler at the back, that's been gifted to them.

Joey Quinn mimes smashing a penalty into the top corner, arm raised in frozen follow-through. Dexter Morgan does the wave with contortionist grace. Joey Quinn solemnly applauds. The home end copies the movement in cadence.

Billy Butcher cannot even look at {his} teammates. {he} knows the mistake was {his}. The gaffer knows it too but does not single {him} out. Instead he addresses the room: "We win as a team, we lose as a team. Right now we are losing. So what are we going to do about it? Sit here and sulk, or go out there and fight?" Arthur Mitchell once tried to negotiate a personal sponsorship deal with a local car wash and was politely told the 28-year-old didn't have 'the right brand synergy.' The car wash later went bust — karma, some say. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 5566 and answer this question: 'What did the last pigeon to leave Trafalgar Square write in its resignation letter?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Debra Morgan sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

Ferocious pressing, three players closing down the ball carrier. Brian Moser pulls the opponent back as he tries to break. Cynical but necessary. The researcher sees his free kick stopped by the wall! In that position, the wall is a CLASSIC obstacle, you have to keep trying. The leader delivers the corner and it's pandemonium! In that position, a quality delivery into the danger zone is exactly what you need.

The corner from Brian Moser picks out Arthur Mitchell in the box, glancing header but it drifts past the post. Short restart from the police detective to James Doakes, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. The police detective overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon. Cross from James Doakes off the left, the ball travels across the entire six-yard box and finds Arthur Mitchell at the far side.

Lionel Messi pulls off a skill you only see in futsal, an elastico in the box. That is top-drawer stuff. Lionel Messi to Angel Batista, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Shot from the police officer, wide! Not far from the woodwork though. In that role, full credit for trying, that was genuinely close. Joey Quinn lumps it long towards Dexter Morgan, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done.

María LaGuerta absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime. Lionel Messi is beaten in the air on the free kick, the opponent read the flight of the ball better. Dexter Morgan meets the cross from María LaGuerta with his head, it is wide! The keeper did not even move. Massive clearance from Debra Morgan, just get the ball as far away as possible.

María LaGuerta spreads it to Debra Morgan, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Debra Morgan finds Arthur Mitchell with a cut-back along the turf, the ball glides across the surface like it is on rails. Big strike from the player, on target but saved. In that role, when you've got that kind of foot on you, you're dangerous at all times.

Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly. The timing is everything: Cristiano Ronaldo releases the ball at the perfect moment and Angel Batista explodes into the space behind. The defence is cooked. No question about that one, Angel Batista was clearly offside when Dexter Morgan released the pass. Massive punt from Joey Quinn, sends the ball sixty yards, Lionel Messi is scrapping for it up top. Lionel Messi plays the simple ball to Brian Moser, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated.

Loss against Sevilla Olé-Olé and it stings. Joey Quinn still goes over to the travelling fans, hand on heart, mouthing "sorry" through the drizzle. Billy Butcher follows. The away end responds with a round of applause that almost makes it worse. These fans deserve better. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Reginald Flump, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What did the last pigeon to leave Trafalgar Square write in its resignation letter?'. The answer was of course 'I can no longer work in these conditions, the tourists are unbearable and Nelson never says thank you'. Reginald wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Coming up: 'Gogglebox, but the families are watching Gogglebox watching Gogglebox.' It's telly-ception. Nobody knows what's real anymore. The dog seems fine with it.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-2 (L)

Arthur Mitchell with an absolutely perfect sliding tackle, takes the ball right off the attacker's toes. Nothing given, play on! Rapid turnover and they're bearing down on goal, heart-in-mouth stuff. LOB from Cristiano Ronaldo! GOAL! The keeper was three yards off his line, Cristiano Ronaldo spotted it and sent a CHIPPED ball that sails over him and drops into the net. GENIUS awareness!

Arthur Mitchell sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. James Doakes snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. Joey Quinn waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

They've done it! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Joey Quinn falls to his knees in front of the family section, eyes shut, hands pressed together to the sky. Three seconds of silence in the stadium. Then Billy Butcher arrives and screams in his ear, and the whole thing explodes. Goosebumps.

The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge. Late challenge from Arthur Mitchell, catches the opponent after the ball's gone. Free kick given. Arthur Mitchell picks up a yellow for cumulative offences. The patience well has run dry. Arthur Mitchell hits the free kick but it bounces off the wall. Nothing doing. Tidy restart from Joey Quinn along the deck to María LaGuerta, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung.

Unbelievable! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein score from nowhere. Their striker just smashed it in.

Lionel Messi delivers a tidy ball to James Doakes, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Little shift from James Doakes to Cristiano Ronaldo, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Cristiano Ronaldo puts the ball right into the mixer, Arthur Mitchell arrives in the middle of the defensive cluster. Arthur Mitchell outjumps everyone for this header but it does not find the target. Wide. We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back.

Joey Quinn is fighting back tears on the bench. Not dramatic sobs, just the quiet kind that come from knowing you have let everyone down. María LaGuerta puts an arm around {his} shoulder: "Come on, mate. Forty-five minutes. We have come back from worse." But the dressing room does not look like it believes that right now. Now Debra Morgan has confessed — and this is genuine — that he cried during the final episode of Bake Off last year. Full tears. Soggy bottom and everything. The dressing room hasn't let him forget it, but at 180, nobody says it to his face. And now, our TV game show Bargain Blitz! To win a lifetime supply of Marmite, text 0800TOAST and answer: 'How many jars of Marmite does it take to fill the Channel Tunnel?' María LaGuerta leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

María LaGuerta meets the corner from Dexter Morgan with a header, it drifts wide of the post. James Doakes boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go. The police officer rises above everyone and wins the header. In that position, aerial dominance is what separates the good from the great. Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart.

Corner from Brian Moser, attempted dangerous delivery but the defence gets in the way and clears. The police officer reads the pass and intercepts cleanly. When you have that reading ability in that position, you snuff out attacks before they even begin. Short pass from the police officer to Arthur Mitchell, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level.

Injury time, and nobody's leaving this ground early tonight. Lionel Messi goes down after minimal contact, the stretcher is already coming on. Free kick conceded by Lionel Messi, a nibble at the opponent's heels. Enough to bring him down. Lionel Messi puts his free kick on a sixpence into the area, Brian Moser comes steaming in. Header from Brian Moser on the perfect cross from Debra Morgan, it fliiies but it is over the bar!

Superb diagonal from the police detective to Billy Butcher, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. Billy Butcher throws himself into the tackle and comes out with the ball. That's pure desire, that is. Authoritative clearance from Billy Butcher in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards.

Cristiano Ronaldo beats his marker with a body feint, the defender buys it completely. Cristiano Ronaldo catches the attacker with a knee-high challenge. The bench is up in arms. Yellow card. Cristiano Ronaldo left his foot in after the challenge, clearly deliberate. The free kick is worked short, Cristiano Ronaldo sets up James Doakes who finds himself in a good position. James Doakes sets it for Brian Moser, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating.

With one swing of the boot, Billy Butcher finds Brian Moser on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. Brian Moser gives it straight to the opposition, completely misplaced pass. The pressure is building. Free kick conceded by the player, clips the opponent from behind. Part of the defensive duties, you have to stop the runner. Yellow card. Arthur Mitchell lunged in recklessly and took the man clean out.

Corner from Debra Morgan, the defence heads it clear, the ball is punted well away from the box. Emergency clearance from the player, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play. Flat atmosphere, flat game, everyone looks half asleep.

Full time and it's a bitter one. Arthur Mitchell stands rooted to the spot, hands on hips, staring at nothing. María LaGuerta walks past and squeezes his shoulder. No words needed. München Ordnung-Muss-Sein are celebrating twenty yards away but it might as well be another planet. Mrs. Brenda Thistlethwaite from Wolverhampton says forty-seven thousand, and frankly we couldn't be bothered to check, so she wins the Marmite! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

1-1 (L)

Combination between the medical examiner and Brian Moser on the short corner. In that role, these variations at set pieces disrupt every defense. Low cut-back from Brian Moser, the ball threads between the defender's legs and reaches Lionel Messi. OOOOH the POACHER'S goal from Lionel Messi! The keeper spilled, he was THERE, he poked it in. GOAL!

Dexter Morgan mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. María LaGuerta raises Dexter Morgan's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Joey Quinn plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

Arthur Mitchell with a last-gasp tackle that saves the day! Gets everything on the ball and nothing on the man. Heroic stuff. Arthur Mitchell heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one.

The corner from the police officer is cleared at the near post. In that position, when your corners keep getting headed away, you need to mix up the delivery. Massive diagonal from Lionel Messi! Brian Moser receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards. Overlap from the researcher with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy. The researcher tries one dribble too many and loses the ball. In that position, you have got to know when to release it. Brian Moser intercepts the ball, he was a step ahead of everyone on the pitch.

Brian Moser launches into a desperate challenge and gets absolutely nothing. Gets up looking sheepish. Ball spilled by Joey Quinn in the danger zone! Massive scare, we nearly had an own goal. Lionel Messi hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match.

Lionel Messi takes absolutely forever with every throw-in, the opposition are fuming. Lionel Messi goes into the book, wouldn't stop badgering the referee about that call. Lionel Messi delivers an inswinging free kick, Arthur Mitchell at the back post tries to get on the end of it. Header from Arthur Mitchell, he did everything right except the finish! It goes wide, the keeper thanks the woodwork.

Joey Quinn paces up and down the dressing room, unable to sit still. Adrenaline and frustration mixed together in equal measure. The gaffer blocks {his} path: "Sit down. Breathe. Channel all of that into the next forty-five minutes. I need you sharp, not frantic. Understood?" Joey Quinn exhales and sits. Deliveroo data leaked to the press shows Debra Morgan ordered from the same kebab shop 83 times in one month. At 47 and 180, the lad reportedly has a VIP loyalty card and his own reserved doner rotation. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 1066 and answer this question: 'What colour is a transparent roundabout?' And they are off! Joey Quinn touches the ball first and lays it wide. The tempo is up already. Whatever the gaffer said at halftime, it has done the trick.

The police detective bounces off Cristiano Ronaldo for a lightning one-two. The kind of player who makes everyone around him better. James Doakes overlaps on the wing with frightening ease, the defender is made to look silly. No joy for James Doakes, he tried to go it alone but the defender read him like a book and takes the ball. James Doakes produces a sensational tackle in the box, wins the ball, no penalty shout. That takes serious courage. James Doakes lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war.

Free kick from Lionel Messi to the near post, Brian Moser gets a flick on it. Brian Moser whips in the corner, it's a MELEE in there! The ball bounces everywhere, defense holds on! BLOCKED from Angel Batista! The defender threw his body at it and the ball ricocheted away. James Doakes hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job!

GOAL for London Three-Pints! A sucker punch on the counter. We committed too many forward.

Joey Quinn kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Billy Butcher takes a knee behind him. Joey Quinn raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

The police detective hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did. The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. Debra Morgan puts it right into the feet of Billy Butcher, one touch and away. Silky stuff. The leader beats the defender with a sharp turn. It is rare to see a player in that position with that kind of pure skill.

Sideways, backwards, sideways again, the crowd is getting restless. Brian Moser gets his cross all wrong, it goes straight out for a throw on the other side. Forget about that one. The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. Short pass from the medical examiner to Debra Morgan, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. The police officer finds Angel Batista along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average.

No runs in behind, no penetration, just ball retention for its own sake. Angel Batista unleashes a raking ball out to María LaGuerta, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. SHOOOOT from the police officer! On target but saved by the keeper. In that role, those kind of efforts put the defence under serious pressure.

Perfect parity. Arthur Mitchell slaps hands with the opposition manager, mutual respect. "Good game, gaffer." "Good game." Formality, but meant. Billy Butcher watches from the bench. Some draws are honest. This one is. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Trevor Mildew-Parsnip, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What colour is a transparent roundabout?'. The answer was of course a sort of disappointed beige. Trevor wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'