My dream football team — football_team 🇬🇧

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-0 (W)

The ref blows up! Cláudio Braga's shot is blocked by an arm in the box. Penalty, and you can't argue with that one. GOOOOAL from John McGinn! ICE COLD penalty, he places it left, the keeper goes right. Total composure!

Cláudio Braga climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. John McGinn films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Andrew (Andy) Robertson intercepts the ball, he was a step ahead of everyone on the pitch. Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. WIIIIIDE! Mikey Moore put plenty on it but the ball slides just past the frame of the goal.

Gabriel Magalhães jumps too early and comes back down before the ball arrives, the opponent profits and wins the duel. Vozinha parries it back into the middle, that is dangerous! Gabriel Magalhães launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty.

Craig Halkett throws himself into the passing lane and comes away with the ball. Phenomenal reading of the game. Short build-up from Craig Halkett to Mikey Moore, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Mikey Moore sends the defender the wrong way with a stepover, that is technically brutal. Mikey Moore fires a powerful cross into the danger zone, Vitinha throws himself at it. It is heating up in the box. Header from Vitinha, it flies just past the post, he had to hit the target there.

Vozinha sparks the transition with a quick throw to Mikey Moore, the break is lightning fast. Mikey Moore launches himself and thumps a dominant header on the cross. The opponent was still on the ground while Mikey Moore was flying. Lightning overlap from Mikey Moore, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides. Perfect pull-back from Mikey Moore, John McGinn receives it facing goal inside the area. Dream scenario. Vozinha palms the ball away with a firm hand. Corner. The attacker cannot believe it.

The physio announces the GPS stats: "Vozinha has covered seven kilometres already." Vitinha shouts: "That is because {he} has been chasing their winger all half!" Vozinha fires back: "At least I caught him, unlike you last week." Laughter all round. The gaffer taps the board. "Focus, lads. Same energy second half." Here's one for the ages — Vozinha is the reigning champion of the dressing room biscuit dunking competition. His record is a full eleven-second dunk with a digestive. No breakage. At 189, his hand-to-mug coordination is genuinely world class. And now, our TV game show Only Fools and Quizzes! To win a genuine Reliant Robin air freshener, text 3678 and answer: 'In which year did Del Boy last say this time next year we will be millionaires and actually mean it?' The tunnel spits the players back onto the pitch one by one. Vozinha comes out with that walk. You know the one. Shoulders back, chest out. Something has clicked.

Lawrence Shankland goes all in with the tackle but comes away with nothing but thin air. Vozinha parries it weakly into the middle, the attacker is a whisker from opening the scoring! Andrew (Andy) Robertson clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched.

Dujon Sterling with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! Dujon Sterling to Cláudio Braga, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages. Pass, pass, pass, back to the keeper... same old script.

The bench is screaming, the fans roaring, one last massive push. The keeper is up, Vozinha getting ready to meet the corner with his head. Gabriel Magalhães wins his duel in the air and heads it down for Craig Halkett. Aerial dominance in the service of the team. Gabriel Magalhães links up with Lawrence Shankland, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up.

The corner from Vitinha is snuffed out by the defence, a defender clears at the near post. Dujon Sterling clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep.

Monster clearance from Gabriel Magalhães! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. Rolling forward like a freight train, the opposition are hanging on. Mikey Moore curls a cross to the near post, Dujon Sterling is lurking in the box.

GET IN THERE! Vozinha slides on his knees across the wet turf, Craig Halkett piles on top, and suddenly half the squad is in a heap. The physio's already panicking about someone's hamstring. Paris Saint-Glinglin can only watch. That's what it means to this lot. Terry from Peckham says Del Boy has never once meant it and that's the beauty of it all. Enjoy the Reliant Robin air freshener, Terry! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

2-1 (W)

Concrete low block, even set pieces aren't getting through. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. Vitinha winds up and SMASHES it! The ball flies like a rocket and ends up smack in the goal. INCREDIBLE!

Vitinha does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. John McGinn launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Vozinha arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

Mikey Moore sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. Mikey Moore dinks his cross over the centre-halves, Dujon Sterling arrives at full pace behind them. GOOOOAL! Dujon Sterling places his header from the cross by Cláudio Braga, immaculate!

Sideways, backwards, sideways again, the crowd is getting restless. The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. Andrew (Andy) Robertson sends an aerial beauty to John McGinn, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile.

Delicious through ball from Lawrence Shankland, the ball slides in behind the centre-halves and John McGinn is there to gobble it up. John McGinn drifts just offside as Lawrence Shankland plays the pass, the flag goes up. Agonising! A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent. Good ball from Gabriel Magalhães to Andrew (Andy) Robertson, playing it quick between the lines.

Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. Vitinha threads the needle between the two centre-backs, John McGinn bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. OHHH what a strike from John McGinn! On target, thundering towards goal but the keeper stands firm. Huge save. John McGinn takes the corner but the opposition defence is well organized, cleared.

Dujon Sterling is planning the celebration already. "If I score in the second half, I am doing the knee slide right in front of their lot," {he} tells Craig Halkett, who replies: "Last time you tried that you pulled your hamstring." The dressing room erupts. The gaffer shakes his head. "Just score the goal, we will worry about the celebration later." In a baffling move, Craig Halkett adopted a tortoise named Gary Lineker. At 31, the footballer insists Gary brings calm to the household, despite the tortoise doing absolutely nothing at all times. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 3737 and answer this question: 'What is the pH level of a Greggs steak bake?' And we are back underway! Lawrence Shankland jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

Perfectly executed challenge by Dujon Sterling, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb. Phenomenal run from Dujon Sterling, he cuts through the midfield like a hot knife through butter.

Intelligent short corner from Scott McTominay to Dujon Sterling, they refuse the aerial cross. Perfect cut-back from Dujon Sterling, John McGinn receives it on the deck in acres of space. Dream scenario. NOOOOO John McGinn! The goal was empty, Gabriel Magalhães puts it on his foot and he blazes it over the bar! A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all.

What a block! Gabriel Magalhães slides in with impeccable timing and takes the ball away. That's defending at its finest. Gabriel Magalhães slides a beauty through the gap, John McGinn is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. John McGinn goes for it and fires! Wide, just to the left of goal. Not far off at all. We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough.

Absolutely dreadful! México No-Era-Penal score and we have only ourselves to blame.

Vozinha runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Andrew (Andy) Robertson joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. Gabriel Magalhães puts John McGinn into orbit with a laser-guided through ball. The kind of pass that lifts an entire stadium to its feet. John McGinn wants to find Vitinha between the lines but the weight is all wrong. Intercepted.

Free kick played short, Mikey Moore to John McGinn, they bypass the wall with the combination. John McGinn shifts it to Lawrence Shankland with a short pass, threading it between two defenders.

What a performance! Dujon Sterling exchanges jerseys with the México No-Era-Penal skipper — firm handshake, quiet word, respect between competitors. Then he turns and unleashes a primal scream at the sky. Vozinha just laughs. "He does that every time we win," he tells the camera. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Colin Flannel-Trousers, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the pH level of a Greggs steak bake?'. The answer was of course off the scale entirely, scientists refuse to measure it on moral grounds. Colin wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

3-2 (W)

Oh no, Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score! Their forward was left completely unmarked, schoolboy defending.

Vozinha legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Mikey Moore tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Mikey Moore presses high and the defender loses the ball under pressure. It is simple, it is effective, it is intensity football. Sharp cut inside from Mikey Moore, the defender is left rooted to the spot. That is nasty. GOOOOAL from Mikey Moore! On the inswinging cross from John McGinn, he places his shot along the ground and the ball is in!

Perfect back flip from Mikey Moore right in front of the home end, five-star landing. Gabriel Magalhães tries the same behind him, lands flat on his arse, the whole squad doubled over laughing. Even Vozinha has made it up, hands on knees, breathless. Proper scenes.

Clinical interception from Dujon Sterling, he cuts out the pass between the opposition lines and breaks forward on the counter. The crowd loves it, and rightly so. Key pass from Dujon Sterling! It fizzes between the lines and Craig Halkett collects on the run, the defence is left for dead. GOOOAL! Craig Halkett sneaks in front of the keeper and diverts the ball with the tip of his boot. No keeper can do better!

Dujon Sterling rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Gabriel Magalhães jumps on his back, Vozinha is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

They've done it! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Vozinha points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. Gabriel Magalhães comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

Every player defending like their life depends on it, the block stands firm. Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. GOOOOOAL! Cláudio Braga places it inside the post from the cross by Mikey Moore, the keeper was well positioned but had no chance!

Cláudio Braga mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Vitinha plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Vozinha plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

Vitinha is telling anyone who will listen about the nutmeg {he} put on their centre-half. "Did you see his face? Mate, he looked like he had seen a ghost!" Cláudio Braga adds: "The poor lad is probably still turning." The gaffer lets the banter flow. Happy dressing room, happy results. Roommates on away trips confirm Dujon Sterling sleepwalks to the hotel minibar and eats all the Pringles unconsciously. At 27, the lad has no memory of it and denies the crumb evidence every single time. And now, our TV game show Homes Under the Hammer Price! To win a doorknob from a house that needed a lot of work, text 0800FIXER and answer: 'What does a lot of potential mean in estate agent language?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Vitinha high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

Last roll of the dice, legs are gone but the belief is still there. Right-footed cross from Mikey Moore, the ball bends beautifully into the box and seeks out John McGinn. John McGinn crosses too far from the target, the ball drifts towards the opposite touchline. Authoritative clearance from Andrew (Andy) Robertson in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards.

The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. Clumsy challenge from Mikey Moore, stands on the opponent's foot. Unintentional but still a foul. Mikey Moore pretends to strike and lays it off to John McGinn, well worked short free kick. John McGinn takes on his man with a sharp turn, one touch and it is done. Clean. JUST WIIIIIDE from John McGinn! Right idea but it slides past the far post by inches.

Crunching tackle by Andrew (Andy) Robertson on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it. Andrew (Andy) Robertson picks out Craig Halkett with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Craig Halkett eliminates his opponent with a short piece of skill, absolutely surgical. Craig Halkett pulls the opponent back as he tries to break. Cynical but necessary. Craig Halkett finally goes into the book. Third foul, the ref had enough of it.

Intense pressing, the defender panics and lumps it anywhere. Lovely interception from Craig Halkett, he anticipated the movement and cut off the pass before it reached its target. Craig Halkett opens up to Dujon Sterling on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Textbook tackle from Dujon Sterling there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted.

Tackle miles off from Lawrence Shankland, absolutely done in by the attacker's quick feet. Vozinha grazes the leather with his fingertips and turns it over! World class goalkeeping. The corner from Dujon Sterling is met by a defender who volleys it out for a throw-in.

Quick exchange between Andrew (Andy) Robertson and Cláudio Braga, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Cláudio Braga spots the gap and sends Mikey Moore into it with a perfectly weighted pass. The channel is wide open. Mikey Moore sets it for Andrew (Andy) Robertson, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Andrew (Andy) Robertson slips Craig Halkett in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever.

Dujon Sterling lights the fuse with a cutting pass for Craig Halkett down the channel. The defence is caught cold, it is over for them. Flag up! Craig Halkett was beyond the last man when Andrew (Andy) Robertson released the pass. Lawrence Shankland scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive.

It's over and we've won it! Vitinha grabs the corner flag and plants it at the centre spot like he's claiming new territory. John McGinn pretends to salute. The fans are in absolute stitches. The manager pretends to be annoyed but you can see him smirking. Top, top scenes. Pauline from Wakefield says a lot of potential means the roof is missing and there may be foxes living in the bathroom. Doorknob for Pauline! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

2-1 (W)

Beautiful distribution from Vozinha to Andrew (Andy) Robertson, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. The opponent beats Andrew (Andy) Robertson to the near post and wins the header. Andrew (Andy) Robertson was caught on his heels. What a DOWNWARD header from Gabriel Magalhães! Sumptuous header on the cross from Cláudio Braga, the ball dies in the bottom corner. GOAL!

Vozinha stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Craig Halkett comes over and hugs him without a word.

Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. John McGinn reads the movement from Mikey Moore and puts the ball right into the pocket of space. Game intelligence off the charts. OHHH the GOAL from Mikey Moore! On the gift from Cláudio Braga, he opens up his foot and sends the ball to the far post. SUMPTUOUS!

John McGinn stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Dujon Sterling follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Vozinha plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end. Mikey Moore shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for John McGinn. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces. John McGinn looks for Andrew (Andy) Robertson but the pass is way too long, that is going out for a throw-in.

Rapid break, the defenders are still trying to find their marks. Scott McTominay hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust. Scott McTominay loses the ball trying to dribble, the defender was the smarter of the two. Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered.

It's a goal for Dakar Teranga FC! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

The gaffer strolls into the dressing room with a grin wider than the Stretford End. John McGinn is sprawled on the bench like {he} just won the pools. "More of the same, lads, more of the same," says the boss, tapping the tactics board once for emphasis. Someone chucks a towel at Lawrence Shankland and the whole room erupts. Proper buzzing in here. We can confirm that Vozinha owns a caravan called 'The Palace' which is parked permanently in a field near Whitby. It has no running water, a portable telly, and a signed photo of Peter Crouch. At 189, he can barely stand up inside it. And now, our TV game show Tipping Pointless! To win a B&Q gift card worth exactly one paintbrush, text 0800DIY and answer: 'How many trips to B&Q does it take to finish a single shelf?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Dujon Sterling leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Scott McTominay launches it to Mikey Moore on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality. What a ball from Andrew (Andy) Robertson! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and John McGinn is away on his own. That is velvet. John McGinn bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket.

Lawrence Shankland triggers a change of flanks for John McGinn, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Aerial duel won by John McGinn, he outmuscles his opponent in the air. Aerial power is his bread and butter. Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end. SHOOOOOT from Lawrence Shankland, it's heading for the corner but the keeper gets across and tips it wide!

Free kick from Vitinha played as a cross, Mikey Moore positions himself at the far post. Aerial duel lost by Mikey Moore, he misjudged the flight of the ball and the opponent pounced. COLOSSAL save from Vozinha! The keeper reacted in a split second on that thunderbolt.

Rapid combination: Cláudio Braga to Scott McTominay, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Scott McTominay spreads the play and finds Vitinha in a motorway on the left flank. The defence is stretched thin. Vitinha plays it simple to John McGinn, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. John McGinn puts it right into the feet of Cláudio Braga, one touch and away. Silky stuff.

Vitinha spreads it to Craig Halkett, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Craig Halkett tries the power drive and BOOOOM! On target but the keeper gets down and blocks. Saved! Corner from Craig Halkett, good delivery but the defence reads it well and clears.

Vozinha launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Andrew (Andy) Robertson after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. One touch football: Andrew (Andy) Robertson to Cláudio Braga, faster than the opposition can think. Cláudio Braga gifts Dujon Sterling a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal.

Get in! Andrew (Andy) Robertson and Vitinha do the customary shirt swap with a couple of Dakar Teranga FC players — handshakes, mutual respect, the lot. Then Andrew (Andy) Robertson turns to the home end and cups his ears. The roar nearly takes the roof off. Pub's gonna be lively tonight. Steve from Sunderland says at least seven trips and that's before you realize you bought the wrong screws. The gift card is his! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

2-2 (L)

Blistering solo run from Cláudio Braga, he covers sixty yards on his own, beating three defenders. PENALTY for Cláudio Braga! He enters the box, the defender brings him down and the referee points to the spot! No DOUBT about it, it is a penalty. The pressure is ENORMOUS. GOOOAL! Cláudio Braga sends the penalty in with a POWERFUL and PRECISE strike! The keeper was beaten. CONVERTED!

Cláudio Braga legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Lawrence Shankland tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Ball recovered and they've gone from end to end in the blink of an eye. John McGinn finds the gap and serves Lawrence Shankland in behind the last man. That is three-cushion snooker, that is. Delicate lob from Lawrence Shankland, the ball floats over the keeper and dies in the back of the net. ABSOLUTE class, that is Panenka in open play.

Mikey Moore does not fancy the shot and goes short to Andrew (Andy) Robertson, trying to disorganise the defence. Andrew (Andy) Robertson beats his man with a sharp outside cut, the skill is absolutely effortless. Andrew (Andy) Robertson rolls it to Cláudio Braga, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. The one-two between Cláudio Braga and Scott McTominay blows the defensive block apart. Give, run, return, done. Clinical.

Oh it's gone in! Douala Makossa-Corner find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

'I told you so' mode. Vozinha eyeballs the Douala Makossa-Corner bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. John McGinn pulls Vozinha away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking. Vitinha takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race. Lob from Vitinha over the entire defence, Dujon Sterling finds himself in acres of space. Everything is on. Lovely take from Vozinha! He comes off his line and claims the cross, clean as a whistle. Short restart from Vozinha to Andrew (Andy) Robertson, building from the back nice and tidy.

Tactical debate in the corner. Craig Halkett wants to push higher. Cláudio Braga reckons they will get done on the counter. The gaffer listens to both, arms folded, then makes the call: "We push up. Cláudio Braga, you cover. If they break, you are the last man. No arguments." The room goes quiet. Orders received. A cracking detail — Craig Halkett, standing at 183, once tried to fix a leaky tap in the dressing room and flooded the entire physio area. He blamed the water pressure, which is the most British excuse anyone has ever given for anything. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 9494 and answer this question: 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Vitinha is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Vitinha delivers a tidy ball to Lawrence Shankland, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Strike from Lawrence Shankland that thuds into the defensive wall. The defender threw himself in without fear. Craig Halkett sends the corner in but a defender gets there first and heads it out for a throw. Gabriel Magalhães absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime.

Firm pass from Cláudio Braga into Craig Halkett, right into the boots. No waste. Craig Halkett turns the game on its head with one razor-sharp pass for Gabriel Magalhães. The defence did not even have time to blink. Offside against Gabriel Magalhães! But that is so tight it's almost criminal! Mikey Moore is beside himself. Tidy restart from Vozinha along the deck to Craig Halkett, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Craig Halkett shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class.

John McGinn chips his cross over the back line, Andrew (Andy) Robertson is at the far post, free as a bird. Andrew (Andy) Robertson goes for goal of the season with the volley and it flies over. The stadium applauds anyway, that was special. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions.

Lawrence Shankland finds Andrew (Andy) Robertson between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Andrew (Andy) Robertson switches the play to Craig Halkett on the far side, superb crossfield ball! Craig Halkett dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution. Craig Halkett goes into bullet-train mode and drives the length of the pitch. That is breathtaking.

Intense pressing from John McGinn, he wins the ball back thirty yards from goal. John McGinn shakes off the defender with a sharp cut, the path is clear. SHOOOOT from John McGinn... just wide! Shaves the post, so close to going in.

GOAL! Douala Makossa-Corner have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

'I told you so' mode. Vozinha eyeballs the Douala Makossa-Corner bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. John McGinn pulls Vozinha away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

That is a tackle of the highest order from Dujon Sterling. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic. What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. What a hit from Cláudio Braga! Absolute ROCKEEEET, on target but the keeper somehow claws it away!

Draw. Cláudio Braga takes the time to shake every Douala Makossa-Corner player's hand, one by one — old habit, old manners. Lawrence Shankland follows suit. The screens show the stats: possession 50, shots on target 4 each. Perfect mirror. Neither side deserved more. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?'. The answer was of course 900 degrees Celsius, which is why the British stare at the floor numbers with such intensity. Maureen wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

2-2 (L)

Cláudio Braga plays the simple ball to Gabriel Magalhães, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Gabriel Magalhães pulls it back along the ground for Cláudio Braga, that is the perfect cut-back! GOOOOOAL for Cláudio Braga! On the genius pass from Vitinha, he beats the keeper with a placed finish, MAGNIFICENT!

Cláudio Braga climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Lawrence Shankland films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Step-overs from Mikey Moore followed by an explosion of pace, the defender buys the feint and eats the dust. Mikey Moore treats himself! He beats half the opposition team and finishes on his own, GOAL!

Mikey Moore stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Vitinha comes over and hugs him without a word.

Vitinha delivers an inswinging free kick, Cláudio Braga at the back post tries to get on the end of it. Header from Cláudio Braga, he did everything right except the finish! It goes wide, the keeper thanks the woodwork. John McGinn hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! Craig Halkett wins his aerial duel with fierce determination, he outmuscles the attacker and comes away with possession.

Defensive organization is perfect, the opposition hits a brick wall. Brilliant tackle from Dujon Sterling! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending. Little shift from Dujon Sterling to Mikey Moore, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Ball over the top from Mikey Moore, Vitinha had timed the run half a second early and the timing is perfection.

We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. The ball pings around but the defenders are barely breaking sweat. Lawrence Shankland gives it to Scott McTominay into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. It falls apart for Scott McTominay, the pass goes the wrong way entirely, the opponent recovers and starts again.

"Sixty-two percent possession and not a single clear chance. You are passing it around like a game of piggy in the middle!" The gaffer slams the stats sheet on the table. Vozinha winces. Andrew (Andy) Robertson looks away. Something has got to change and everyone in this room knows it. Mikey Moore once tweeted 'rate my Sunday roast' and the entire internet destroyed the 19-year-old for putting the Yorkshire puddings on a separate plate. The tweet was deleted within eleven minutes. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 5555 and answer this question: 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Vitinha sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

Gabriel Magalhães produces a sensational tackle in the box, wins the ball, no penalty shout. That takes serious courage. Fast break, one-touch football, they've cut them to ribbons. Mikey Moore powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated. Mikey Moore floats a cross in from the wing for Andrew (Andy) Robertson, the ball hangs in the box!

Oh that's terrible! Lagos No-Carry-Last score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

Scott McTominay changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Dujon Sterling. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Magnificent leap from Dujon Sterling who dominates the aerial duel. When he takes off like that, nobody stands a chance. They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. Vitinha picks it up and goes coast to coast like a man possessed. Nobody is stopping him.

Vitinha delivers, it's a scramble! The ball ricochets off shins and heads, defense finally boots it away! John McGinn hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match. Groans from the stands, this possession is going nowhere. Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill. They've grabbed the game by the scruff of the neck now.

Vozinha throws it out quickly to Cláudio Braga, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Diagonal from Cláudio Braga to Mikey Moore, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Good run from Mikey Moore who crosses to the near post for Dujon Sterling. The defender is beaten to it.

GOAL! Lagos No-Carry-Last have netted! Their forward pounced on the loose ball. Clinical.

Vozinha runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Lawrence Shankland joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

The corner from John McGinn is claimed by a defender at the near post, nothing comes of it. Gabriel Magalhães heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one. Gabriel Magalhães looks up and launches a long pass towards Craig Halkett. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Lay-off from Craig Halkett to John McGinn, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Fantastic high recovery from John McGinn, he sprinted twenty yards to go and rip the ball away. The effort is immense.

1-1. Cláudio Braga and John McGinn are the last two off the pitch, as ever. The stadium is nearly empty, a groundsman is starting to fold up the advertising boards. "Next time," says Cláudio Braga. "Next time," replies John McGinn. And they vanish into the tunnel. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Gerald Musty-Carpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?'. The answer was of course the M42, originally called the Badger's Lament until the council shortened it. Gerald wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

3-2 (W)

Cláudio Braga tears into the opposition build-up, running everywhere, and ends up stealing the ball. That man is a guard dog. Cláudio Braga follows up the play perfectly on the strike from Mikey Moore! The keeper parries, he prods it in. GOAL!

Cláudio Braga fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. Scott McTominay plays the medic running in. Vozinha plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

Dujon Sterling sees everything, understands everything, and intercepts at the perfect moment. That is the kind of player who makes a team unbeatable. Absolute peach from Dujon Sterling, threading it through for Mikey Moore, the centre-halves are done for! GOOOAL for Mikey Moore! He read the trajectory and slides the ball past the keeper. STRIKER'S goal!

Gabriel Magalhães with the last-ditch tackle, gets every bit of the ball and none of the man. The ref's happy, we're happy. Solo charge from Gabriel Magalhães, he sets off from midfield and arrives in the opposition box. GOAL! What a LOB from Gabriel Magalhães! On the pass from Mikey Moore, he spots the keeper off his line and chips it with the TOP of his foot. The ball drops just on the line and goes in. CLASSY!

Gabriel Magalhães spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Lawrence Shankland gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Corner from Vitinha into the danger area but a defender heads it away, dealt with. Magnificent reading of the game from Andrew (Andy) Robertson, he intercepts between the lines and launches the counter. That kind of action turns a match on its head. Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart.

Lawrence Shankland drops a lofted ball to Mikey Moore, it sails over the entire midfield line. Mikey Moore lofts a cross into the box, Lawrence Shankland is there, sandwiched between two defenders, ready to pounce. Lawrence Shankland rises above his marker and wins the header! He got up higher than everyone.

The boss pulls Scott McTominay aside: "You have been absolutely magnificent out there, mate. 30 years old and running the show like you own the place. Keep doing what you are doing." Scott McTominay just nods, half-smile on {his} face, the quiet confidence of someone who knows {he} is having a blinder. We can exclusively reveal that Cláudio Braga, standing 180, owns a pair of lucky pants that he's worn under his kit for three consecutive seasons. They're held together by hope and a single thread, but the results speak for themselves. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Be a Milliner! To win a Primark bag full of reduced Percy Pigs from M&S, text 0800PORK and answer: 'How many Percy Pigs can you fit in a shopping trolley?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Scott McTominay sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

What a mess! Barranquilla Toque-Toque capitalise on that blunder. We are our own worst enemy.

Vozinha fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. Lawrence Shankland plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

Dujon Sterling refuses to give up, sprints all the way back and arrives just in time to make the tackle. Dujon Sterling commits the tactical foul without hesitation. The bench nods in approval. Dujon Sterling picks up a yellow card for a clinical foul. Stopped the danger, paid the price. Dujon Sterling tries the free kick but the wall is well positioned and blocks it. That's that. The corner from John McGinn comes to nothing, the defence clears at the first post.

Stunning tackle by Dujon Sterling in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. Transition play in overdrive, they're at the edge of the box already. Mikey Moore puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins. Mikey Moore reaches the byline and cuts it back for Lawrence Shankland arriving from the second wave.

Nightmare! Barranquilla Toque-Toque score! That goal was coming, we've been under the cosh.

Vozinha dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

The team in a low block is impenetrable, every cross dealt with. Huge tackle from Dujon Sterling! Went through the back door and nicked the ball before the striker could get his shot away. Wicked through ball from Dujon Sterling, the ball skims the grass and finds Andrew (Andy) Robertson who had set off before anyone else even noticed. Andrew (Andy) Robertson rifles one in, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper comes up big. Corner to the attacking side.

Vozinha distributes short to John McGinn, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Smooth transition from John McGinn to Dujon Sterling, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Dujon Sterling drops the defender with a fake shot. Clever as you like.

The free kick from Vitinha is a dangerous one, Cláudio Braga meets it on the volley inside the six-yard box. Cláudio Braga loses his duel in the air on the cross, the opponent got better positioning. SAVE from Vozinha! The attacker had a go but the keeper produced a MONUMENTAL hand.

What a result against Barranquilla Toque-Toque! Vozinha walks over to the travelling support, puts his hand on his heart, and bows. Dujon Sterling follows and throws his boots into the crowd. Some lad in row G is going home with a size 9 souvenir. Scenes. Sharon from Basildon says two hundred and six Percy Pigs, which she verified personally last Saturday. Primark bag and all, she's the winner! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-1 (L)

The ball from Andrew (Andy) Robertson rips through the defensive curtain, Dujon Sterling is flying into the space like an arrow. Dujon Sterling looks at the keeper, sees the angle, and places his shot! It is in, IT IS A GREAT GOAL!

Andrew (Andy) Robertson mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Vitinha raises Andrew (Andy) Robertson's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Vozinha plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

Andrew (Andy) Robertson clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive. Foul by John McGinn, he had to make that challenge to stop the break. Tactical.

Blistering run from Scott McTominay on the wing, the defender is chasing but never catches up. Scott McTominay dives in the penalty area, hoping to con the referee. Not today, son. Scott McTominay booked for simulation, he was looking for a penalty and found a yellow card instead. Scott McTominay plays a low free kick into the box, John McGinn cuts across to meet it in front of goal.

Vozinha hoofs it forward towards Lawrence Shankland, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Wing switch from Lawrence Shankland, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Gabriel Magalhães brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Cross from Gabriel Magalhães, he puts it on the far post for Andrew (Andy) Robertson. Andrew (Andy) Robertson tries a powerful cross but the defender is there and blocks everything.

No let-up now, balls raining into the penalty area nonstop. Everything on the line, Vozinha is up, nothing to lose now. What a leap from Gabriel Magalhães! He rises above the lot and wins the header with royal composure. Gabriel Magalhães slides it to Andrew (Andy) Robertson, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

The dressing room is silent apart from the fizz of isotonic drinks being opened and the squeak of boots on tiles. John McGinn is biting {his} nails in the corner. Vozinha stares at the ceiling like it holds the answers to everything. The gaffer lets the silence do its work before delivering his half-time talk. Andrew (Andy) Robertson once tweeted 'rate my Sunday roast' and the entire internet destroyed the 32-year-old for putting the Yorkshire puddings on a separate plate. The tweet was deleted within eleven minutes. And now, our TV game show Bargain Hunt for Socks! To win a multipack of sensible socks from Primark, text 0800SOCK and answer: 'How many odd socks does the average British household have at any given time?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Cláudio Braga leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Craig Halkett lays it off first time to John McGinn, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. John McGinn keeps it short to Mikey Moore, no frills, just good football intelligence. Mikey Moore takes on the defender in tight quarters and comes out on top. Pure talent. Mikey Moore tries to dribble in too tight a space and gets the ball nicked off him.

What a SHAMBLES in the box after Scott McTominay's corner! Bodies everywhere, somehow the defense holds! Craig Halkett boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there. Sterile football, looks like a testimonial out there.

Craig Halkett launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. Emergency clearance from Craig Halkett, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe. Lawrence Shankland tries to get up for the duel but the attacker beats him to the header. The timing was off. Gabriel Magalhães sends a furious header but the ball sails over the bar. So close yet so far.

Unbelievable! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa score from nowhere. Their striker just smashed it in.

Vitinha bounces off Craig Halkett, gets it back in stride, and it is done. The kind of combination that makes football beautiful. One laser pass from Vitinha and the entire defence is eliminated, John McGinn is through on goal. The space is enormous. John McGinn is given offside by the width of a bootlace, Dujon Sterling is shaking his head. Short distribution from Vozinha to Vitinha, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. Aerial duel won by Vitinha, he absolutely dominates in the air against the defender.

Dujon Sterling reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. Sideways ball from Dujon Sterling to Lawrence Shankland, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Lawrence Shankland looks for Cláudio Braga with a ball in behind but it is massively overhit. The opposition keeper collects without moving. They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass.

Draw against Montevideo Garra-Charrúa. Lawrence Shankland kisses the club badge as he passes the home end — a gesture for the fans, regardless. Craig Halkett does the same. The squad stays tight, the season rolls on. Nights like this, you close ranks. Janet from Wolverhampton says twenty-three odd socks at minimum and that's a conservative estimate. Primark multipack for Janet! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

2-2 (L)

GOAAAL! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío make it count! Sliced through us like a hot knife through butter.

Vozinha kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. John McGinn takes a knee behind him. Vozinha raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Wall combination between Dujon Sterling and Cláudio Braga, fluid, rapid, and it creates an overload going forward. GOOOOL from Dujon Sterling! Massive right-footed strike, the ball almost rips the net off. GOOOOAL!

Dujon Sterling legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Cláudio Braga tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Disaster! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

Quick one-two between Andrew (Andy) Robertson and Scott McTominay, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Low cut-back from Scott McTominay, Mikey Moore arrives at pace and can hit it first time. Mikey Moore winds up and FIIIIRES! Placed strike, the ball slides into the bottom corner, OPENING GOAAAAL!

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment Andrew (Andy) Robertson strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. Lawrence Shankland points at it, jaw on the floor. Vozinha shakes his head, not believing it.

Rainbow flick from Cláudio Braga, he clips the ball over the defender with his heel. The crowd erupts. Lovely use of the ball by Cláudio Braga, finding Scott McTominay in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Shifting pass from Scott McTominay to John McGinn, the ball drifts into the free zone and John McGinn is onto it in two strides.

Studious atmosphere in the dressing room. The coach has his tablet out, replaying clips: "Look, Dujon Sterling, there is acres of space on the overlap and you go back inside every time. Use the width." Dujon Sterling takes the note. The game is there for the taking if they can just find the key. Quite remarkable — Scott McTominay got into a heated argument at a car boot sale over a secondhand George Foreman grill. Apparently he haggled for twenty minutes, paid three quid, and considers it the greatest negotiation of his career. The man is 30 years old. And now, our TV game show Taskmaster of the Obvious! To win a laminated bus timetable from 2019, text 4678 and answer: 'How early should you arrive at a bus stop to guarantee the bus has already left?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Craig Halkett is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Tight-knit defense, compact shape, the opposition has to shoot from distance. They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. Powerful run from Mikey Moore down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there. Mikey Moore looks up and swings in a floated cross, Lawrence Shankland rises among the defenders. Cross from Lawrence Shankland far too long, the ball flies through the entire box without finding anyone.

Ball stolen and released forward, it's an absolute rocket of a counter. Overlap from John McGinn on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed. Neat lay-off from John McGinn for Gabriel Magalhães in the box, the ball is on a plate, clean as a whistle. Gabriel Magalhães unleashes an ABSOLUUUUTE CANNON! On target but the keeper gets a strong hand to it. Corner.

Line-breaking pass from Mikey Moore! The ball slices through the centre-halves and Cláudio Braga picks it up at full pace. Devastating. Cláudio Braga thought he'd timed it perfectly, but the linesman disagrees. Offside on Gabriel Magalhães's pass. Vozinha goes long for Craig Halkett, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Craig Halkett sniffs out the danger and produces a wonderfully timed challenge. Not a hint of a foul.

The corner from Scott McTominay is cut out at the near post by a defender, no danger. Monumental ball from Lawrence Shankland to Gabriel Magalhães, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Overlap from Gabriel Magalhães with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel. The dribble from Gabriel Magalhães fools nobody, the defender collects comfortably. Classy interception from Lawrence Shankland, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time.

Dujon Sterling sees the gap and puts the ball right through it. Cláudio Braga is racing into the channel, the defence is watching the train leave the station. Cláudio Braga is flagged and it's the tightest of calls, Dujon Sterling's pass was beautifully weighted too. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare. Dujon Sterling feeds Craig Halkett in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling.

Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. Majestic individual run from Scott McTominay, he cuts through the pitch like an arrow. Scott McTominay shapes up and hits it, just wide but it grazed the bar. The technique was there, the finish just wasn't. Vozinha distributes by hand to Lawrence Shankland on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Lawrence Shankland wins the aerial battle against the attacker, he jumped earlier, higher, and stronger. Total domination.

John McGinn pings a long diagonal to Craig Halkett, completely shifts the point of attack. Magnificent shift from Craig Halkett! Andrew (Andy) Robertson picks it up in space, no marker in sight, the pitch is his. Andrew (Andy) Robertson takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race. Cut-back from Andrew (Andy) Robertson, the ball zips across the box at ground level to John McGinn.

Points shared. Vitinha sits on the grass for a full minute, staring up at the floodlights. Mikey Moore crouches beside him: "Come on mate, let's get inside. Tuesday's another game." Long season. Draws happen. Nobody's thrilled, nobody's devastated. Leonard from Barnsley says fifteen minutes early guarantees the bus left fourteen minutes ago. Laminated timetable for Leonard! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

2-1 (W)

Absolutely immense from Andrew (Andy) Robertson! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back. Lightning counter, striker's away on his bike and the defence is chasing shadows. GOOOAL! John McGinn onto the pass from Lawrence Shankland produces a lob for the AGES! The keeper is beaten through the air, the ball descends slowly and nestles in the net. BEAUTIFUL, GRAND, MAGNIFICENT!

Andrew (Andy) Robertson runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Vitinha gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

High recovery from Vitinha, he ran himself into the ground to go and win that ball. The defender never saw him coming. Possession flipped in a heartbeat, textbook transition football. GOOOOOAL! Lawrence Shankland turns into a FOX in the box! The ball was loose, he prods it in, simple as that!

Monster clearance from Vozinha, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Lawrence Shankland. Aerial duel lost by Lawrence Shankland, he was nudged in the back and could not get a proper jump in. Vozinha stretches horizontally and tips the shot away with an extended arm. Cat-like! Corner from Scott McTominay, header from Lawrence Shankland at the penalty spot but it is off target. He should have scored.

John McGinn pulls out a backheel nutmeg in open play, the ball goes through the defender's legs with the heel. WOOOW John McGinn launches a missile! On target, the ball is fizzing but the keeper tips it around the post!

Oh the keeper comes out and misses Mikey Moore's corner! Scramble on the line, a defender hacks it away! Almighty boot from Cláudio Braga who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe. Frustration boiling over in the stands, going in circles for ten minutes. Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. The away end has gone ominously quiet, this side is on top now.

Vozinha is planning the celebration already. "If I score in the second half, I am doing the knee slide right in front of their lot," {he} tells Dujon Sterling, who replies: "Last time you tried that you pulled your hamstring." The dressing room erupts. The gaffer shakes his head. "Just score the goal, we will worry about the celebration later." Now this is properly British — Scott McTominay once spent an entire bank holiday Monday sitting in a car park in the rain, eating a Cornish pasty and listening to TalkSport. When asked why, he simply said 'because it's a bank holiday.' The lad is 30 and gets it. And now, our TV game show Motorway Service Station Bingo! To win a Costa loyalty card with one stamp, text 4567 and answer: 'What is the minimum price of a sandwich at a motorway services?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Cláudio Braga wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

Dujon Sterling launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out. Royal interception from Andrew (Andy) Robertson! He positions himself in the passing corridor and plucks the ball out of thin air. Massive clearance from Andrew (Andy) Robertson, just get the ball as far away as possible. The opposition defenders could grab a brew, nothing is happening.

Superb defensive work from Dujon Sterling there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal. Cláudio Braga tries the curler... it bends beautifully but slides just past the post. AGONISING. The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. They're turning this into a siege, the keeper's going to be busy.

Scott McTominay gives it to Vitinha who returns it first time, Scott McTominay ghosts past his man like he does not exist. Scott McTominay accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides. Foul by Scott McTominay in the middle of the park, breaks up a promising move. Scott McTominay combines with Mikey Moore from the free kick, the little pass takes the wall out of the equation.

It's in! Rio Malandro FC take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

Vozinha and Gabriel Magalhães do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Vozinha arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

Scott McTominay plants his studs on the attacker's ankle. That's as bad as it gets. Booking for Scott McTominay. Went in high with the forearm, the opponent felt that. Free kick swung in by Scott McTominay, the ball travels across the six-yard box and Vitinha is lurking. Aerial duel won by Vitinha in his own box. He took the lift to the top floor and cleaned up everything.

Vozinha rolls it short to Scott McTominay into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. With one swing of the boot, Scott McTominay finds Cláudio Braga on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. Cláudio Braga delivers a tidy ball to Lawrence Shankland, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work.

Full time, full joy! Scott McTominay walks the entire touchline high-fiving every fan who leans over the barrier. Gabriel Magalhães carries a little kid onto the pitch for a photo — nobody's sure whose kid it is, but everyone's smiling. Rio Malandro FC are yesterday's news. Tony from Warwick says eight pounds fifty for a cheese sandwich the size of a postage stamp. Costa loyalty card for Tony! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

2-1 (W)

Surging run from Lawrence Shankland from the centre circle, he destroys everything in his path. What a spectacle. Lawrence Shankland storms into the box and the defender UNBALANCES him! The referee awards a penalty! The player gets up, the stadium is SILENT, everyone is holding their breath. Penalty from Lawrence Shankland! He fires it hard under the bar, the keeper was on the right line but it was TOO POWERFUL. GOAL!

Lawrence Shankland sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. Gabriel Magalhães snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. Vozinha waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

Andrew (Andy) Robertson with a trademark slide tackle, gets the ball and pops straight back up. The fans are on their feet! They're away in transition, pace to burn, it's like watching a freight train. Lawrence Shankland spots the keeper off his line and tries the LOB! It clears him! GOAL! The ball sails over the keeper by an inch and drops just behind him. The AUDACITY of that finish, that is OUTRAGEOUS!

Solidarity move: Andrew (Andy) Robertson grabs John McGinn who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives John McGinn a standing ovation right through to the restart.

One touch football: Dujon Sterling to Andrew (Andy) Robertson, faster than the opposition can think. The opponent is bundled over by Andrew (Andy) Robertson. Not much in it, but the whistle goes. Booking for Andrew (Andy) Robertson, the niggling fouls have caught up with him at last. Free kick from Andrew (Andy) Robertson... into the wall. The wall didn't flinch. Massive clearance from Gabriel Magalhães in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished.

Ferocious press from John McGinn! He sticks to the carrier, hounds him, and ends up winning the ball. The dirty work that makes great players. John McGinn plays it into the channel for Andrew (Andy) Robertson, the defensive line is split clean in two. That is pure filth. Andrew (Andy) Robertson aims for John McGinn but the ball is deflected off an opponent's foot. Pass cut out. What positioning from Andrew (Andy) Robertson! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts. Andrew (Andy) Robertson boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go.

Gabriel Magalhães with a last-gasp tackle that saves the day! Gets everything on the ball and nothing on the man. Heroic stuff. Brilliant switch of play from Gabriel Magalhães! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of John McGinn. Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed.

Pie and Bovril vibes in the dressing room. The gaffer has drawn one arrow on the whiteboard and written underneath it: "Same again." Mikey Moore is leaning back with {his} feet up, 180 cm of pure relaxation. Andrew (Andy) Robertson is refuelling on jelly babies. Life is good when the scoreboard is in your favour. A wonderful anecdote — Gabriel Magalhães once got lost in an IKEA for two and a half hours. Had to be rescued by staff near the bedroom section. He was 29 at the time and insists the store moved the exits. Classic British Saturday gone wrong. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 1999 and answer this question: 'How long is a piece of string if the string is lying?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Scott McTominay leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Oh dear oh dear! Istanbul Cehennem FK score and the dugout is fuming. Rightly so.

John McGinn unleashes a raking ball out to Vitinha, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Vitinha weights his pass into the space for John McGinn who collects at full pace without breaking stride. Perfection. Mikey Moore launches a long ball for John McGinn, but he's well offside. Defence did well. Vozinha plays out from the back with Gabriel Magalhães, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. Burst of speed from Gabriel Magalhães, he devours the left flank in a matter of seconds. Impressive.

The block is set up beautifully, compact, disciplined, nothing getting through. Vozinha closes the angle with his legs and the strike rebounds off him! The keeper is A WALL! Vozinha opts for the short option to Dujon Sterling, keeping possession, building play, no panic.

Free kick from John McGinn delivered with pace, Dujon Sterling finds himself in space at the far post. The cross from Dujon Sterling is blocked by a defender in the box. The defence holds firm.

John McGinn slips Lawrence Shankland in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Flash wall from Craig Halkett for Lawrence Shankland who had started the run before even passing the ball. Insane anticipation. The defence holds its line and Lawrence Shankland is caught offside from John McGinn's ball over the top. Vozinha boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Cláudio Braga! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Cláudio Braga slides into the passing lane and nicks the ball. The opposition does not know what just happened.

Vozinha plays it along the ground to Mikey Moore, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. Switch from Mikey Moore! The ball arcs over the midfield and John McGinn collects it on the other side. Stretching the play. John McGinn releases Craig Halkett with a ball into space on the left. The defence is sliding across but they are too late. Craig Halkett gets to the byline and cuts it back low, Mikey Moore just needs to sidefoot it home. Mikey Moore with an absolutely perfect sliding tackle, takes the ball right off the attacker's toes. Nothing given, play on!

What a result against Istanbul Cehennem FK! Vozinha walks over to the travelling support, puts his hand on his heart, and bows. Vitinha follows and throws his boots into the crowd. Some lad in row G is going home with a size 9 souvenir. Scenes. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Pauline Drizzle-Hatch, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How long is a piece of string if the string is lying?'. The answer was of course it claims to be six feet but it's really only four, the dishonest thread. Pauline wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-0 (W)

They've broken at pace and the back line is nowhere to be seen. Telepathic pass from John McGinn to Scott McTominay, like they rehearsed it at breakfast. The ball fizzes in behind the defence. Scott McTominay lobs the keeper and it is GOAL! The audacity to attempt that finish at THIS moment of the match is what makes GREAT players. Perfect lob, perfect trajectory, PERFECT goal!

Long kick from Vozinha, Craig Halkett positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Craig Halkett explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening. Chipped cross from Craig Halkett over the defence, Dujon Sterling is underneath it. That is a killer ball.

The intensity has gone up several notches, this is magnificent. Aggressive high press, the opposition keeper is already sweating. Oh what a challenge! Gabriel Magalhães goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. Enormous clearance from Gabriel Magalhães inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it.

John McGinn plays the free kick quickly to Craig Halkett, they catch the defence napping. OHHH Craig Halkett strikes and it goes just wide! The post was trembling! Sterile stuff this, pass after pass going nowhere fast. Cláudio Braga tries his luck and puts it on the third tier. The crowd give him an ironic round of applause.

Team goes on the counter but the final pass is too short, all wasted. Scott McTominay picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train. Lobbed cross from Scott McTominay, it sails over the entire back four and Dujon Sterling is there behind. Brilliant. Lovely high take from Vozinha! He owns his box, the attacker had no time to even jump. Vozinha sends an absolute rocket towards Gabriel Magalhães, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch.

The coach gathers the lads round: "Listen, we are in a great position. But this lot do not lie down, so keep your heads screwed on." Vitinha claps once, loud, and shouts "Come on then!" like {he} is leading the charge at Agincourt. The energy is electric. These lads are well up for the second half. A scouting report from John McGinn's youth days says — and I quote — 'technically raw, but can eat a full Sunday roast in under eight minutes.' That kind of efficiency translates to the pitch. He's now 32 and hasn't slowed down at the dinner table. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Bedtime! To win a Premier Inn king-size pillow, text 3345 and answer: 'What time does a British person start complaining about the weather each morning?' They are back. Lawrence Shankland salutes the travelling fans with a raised fist before taking {his} spot. The faithful respond in kind. Second half. Bring it on.

Cláudio Braga overlaps on the wing with frightening ease, the defender is made to look silly. Looping cross from Cláudio Braga, it sails over the centre-halves and drops towards John McGinn. Danger. Cross from John McGinn intercepted by the centre-half, the defence is alert. Panicked clearance from John McGinn, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done.

Free kick from Scott McTominay, lovely delivery and Cláudio Braga rises above the defence. Cláudio Braga goes up to the heavens and comes back down with the ball. Aerial duel won, total domination, the opposition can pack their bags. Good ball from Cláudio Braga to John McGinn, playing it quick between the lines. John McGinn wins the ball back high up the pitch after an outrageous press. The defender crumbled under the pressure.

Craig Halkett goes crossfield to Vitinha, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Cross from Vitinha off the left, the ball travels across the entire six-yard box and finds Lawrence Shankland at the far side. Vozinha repels the attempt with a reflex save! Clinical, clean, absolutely enormous. Cláudio Braga heads the corner from Scott McTominay at the back post, it goes wide. Close but not close enough.

The referee POINTS to the penalty spot! Dujon Sterling has been clipped at the feet inside the box. No argument, it is a penalty! The stadium is holding its collective BREATH! OVER THE BAR! Dujon Sterling sends the penalty into the stands! Absolute disaster!

Vozinha lumps it long towards Cláudio Braga, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. Magnificent tackle from Cláudio Braga! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Cláudio Braga feeds John McGinn in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. WHAT A SHAME for John McGinn! Thunderous strike that flashes just past the upright.

Massive win over Milano Piano-Piano! Mikey Moore is the last man off the pitch, soaking in every last decibel. The ground's half-empty but the noise is still deafening. Andrew (Andy) Robertson pops his head out of the tunnel: "Oi, the pizza's getting cold!" Priorities. Graham from Harrogate says half six and honestly we all agree. He's off to Premier Inn with his brand new pillow. And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

2-1 (W)

Andrew (Andy) Robertson goes to ground and absolutely nails the tackle. Ball won, danger cleared, crowd on their feet. Broken at speed, the lads have bombed forward like their lives depend on it. Oh the TOUCH from Cláudio Braga! SUBLIME lob! The keeper is ten yards off his line, Cláudio Braga spots it, chips the ball and it drops right into the goal. MASTERPIECE!

Andrew (Andy) Robertson kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Cláudio Braga takes a knee behind him. Vozinha raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Strikers making run after run, long balls flying in every time. Mikey Moore rises on the delivery from Lawrence Shankland and powers a furious header into the net!

Gabriel Magalhães rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Andrew (Andy) Robertson. The far side is completely deserted. Brilliant opening from Andrew (Andy) Robertson for Scott McTominay, frees up the entire left flank. Driven cross from Scott McTominay into the box, Andrew (Andy) Robertson arrives at full pace at the near post. This smells like a goal.

It's hit the back of the net! Sevilla Olé-Olé lead and we look completely lost.

Solid as a rock, the block holds under pressure. What a rush out from Vozinha! He narrows the angle and smothers the shot at the feet. Vozinha smashes a volley towards Cláudio Braga, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Massive diagonal from Cláudio Braga! Dujon Sterling receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards.

The gaffer sits down, crosses his arms, and just watches the lads for a moment. Scott McTominay is chatting with Vozinha about holiday plans. Someone is throwing grapes into someone else's mouth. The staff are relaxed, the players are relaxed. "Right, let us not get complacent," the boss finally says. "But well played. Seriously." Now Gabriel Magalhães — and this is absolutely true — once entered a Wetherspoons curry club night and ate three lamb bhuna in a single sitting. At 190, the man is essentially a furnace. The manager gave him a round of applause and a free pint. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 8899 and answer this question: 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?' Back on the pitch and Vozinha is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

Video review underway, players catching their breath, supporters on the edge of their seats. Incredible tension. VAR shows just how bad the challenge was, Dujon Sterling is sent to the dressing room! Unbelievable scenes! Dujon Sterling has kicked out at the opponent off the ball. He's been sent off. Dujon Sterling plays the free kick back to Craig Halkett, they are looking for the shooting angle.

Sharp turn from Mikey Moore, the defender is sat down. Someone call an ambulance. The attacker tries to sprint past but Mikey Moore grabs the waistband, foul! Yellow shown to Mikey Moore, he brought down the man rather than let him play the through ball. Mikey Moore shapes to shoot but plays it short to Cláudio Braga, the defence is caught flat-footed.

Quick one-two between Cláudio Braga and Andrew (Andy) Robertson, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Careless distribution from Andrew (Andy) Robertson, the ball lands straight at an opponent's feet. The kind of pass that costs you. Huge interception from Craig Halkett! He cuts out the pass and drives forward. The kind of action that never shows up in the stats but changes the whole match. Craig Halkett feeds Andrew (Andy) Robertson in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Lay-off from Andrew (Andy) Robertson to Scott McTominay, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan.

Lawrence Shankland gives it to Mikey Moore into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Mikey Moore has a go but the shot is deflected! The defender took the ball full in the chest. Corner from Craig Halkett, the ball travels across the box but a defender clears at the far post. Lifesaving clearance from Mikey Moore! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters.

The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. Scott McTominay pings a ridiculous diagonal to Vitinha. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Vitinha is beaten in the air, the opponent rises above him with authority. That is tough to take. Gabriel Magalhães lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war. Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper.

It's over and we've won it! Vozinha grabs the corner flag and plants it at the centre spot like he's claiming new territory. Dujon Sterling pretends to salute. The fans are in absolute stitches. The manager pretends to be annoyed but you can see him smirking. Top, top scenes. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Keith Drizzleton, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?'. The answer was of course 4.7 kilonewtons, enough to demolish a conversation but not enough to get served at the bar. Keith wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

2-2 (L)

And it's a goal! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein punish us for that sloppy defending. Heads will roll.

Scott McTominay feeds Lawrence Shankland in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. GOOOOAL from Lawrence Shankland! MASTERFUL long-range strike, the ball traces a perfect line and ends in the net!

Craig Halkett anticipates the pass and intercepts cleanly. The opposition midfielder thought he had found the gap, but it was a trap. Craig Halkett beats man after man and drives forward on his own, opponents are scattered like skittles. Craig Halkett takes his time to aim, looks at the keeper, and SHOOTS! On target, in the net, GOOOOAL!

Ruthless press, the opposition can't hold the ball for two seconds. High recovery from Cláudio Braga, he forced the error by hounding the carrier relentlessly. The kind of effort that the stats do not show but that wins football matches. Cláudio Braga sets it for Lawrence Shankland, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating.

Vozinha plays it short to Mikey Moore, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Mikey Moore plays the simple ball to Scott McTominay, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll.

The gaffer pulls up München Ordnung-Muss-Sein's shape on the screen: "See how high their line is? One ball over the top and we are in. Vozinha, you have the pace. Dujon Sterling, you have the vision. Put it together and we are laughing." It sounds simple. Football always sounds simple at halftime. Doing it is the hard part. A little fun fact for you — Vozinha, all 189 of him, once entered a village conker championship in Lower Piddle and made it to the semi-finals. He was disqualified for soaking his conker in vinegar, which frankly shows the sort of competitive edge you want in a footballer. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 6677 and answer this question: 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?' Gabriel Magalhães leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

Driven kick from Vozinha to Cláudio Braga, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Cláudio Braga powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go. Cláudio Braga tries the cross but it is completely off target, ends up going out for a throw. What composure from Vozinha! He climbs, gathers the cross and restarts play. The danger has passed. Massive punt from Vozinha, sends the ball sixty yards, Mikey Moore is scrapping for it up top.

The free kick from Mikey Moore clears the defence and finds Lawrence Shankland in the danger area. Lawrence Shankland beats the attacker with a commanding header, he went up like a lift and came back down with the ball. The boss. Lawrence Shankland winds up and FIIIIRES! On target! But the keeper pushes it away for a corner.

Mikey Moore gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side. Absolutely disgraceful from Mikey Moore. Not a shred of contact and he's writhing on the floor. Mikey Moore earns a yellow card for diving, you reap what you sow on the pitch. The free kick from Mikey Moore is floated in, Lawrence Shankland makes his run to the back post.

They've scored! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein break the deadlock and the momentum has completely shifted.

Vozinha spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Scott McTominay gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Gabriel Magalhães swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Cláudio Braga, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Cláudio Braga wins the header and flicks it on for Scott McTominay. He took the elevator while the rest were queuing for the stairs. Big clearance from Cláudio Braga under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line. Gabriel Magalhães dominates his marker in the air, powerful header to clear the danger. He is the king of the aerial game. Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly.

Vitinha sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Cláudio Braga. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere. Mikey Moore drops a lollipop in behind the defence, John McGinn read the play perfectly and finds himself one on one. Devastating burst of pace from John McGinn, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank.

Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. Cláudio Braga leans into the opponent and sends him off balance. Free kick. Yellow card. Cláudio Braga racked up too many fouls, the ref couldn't let it slide anymore. Cláudio Braga's free kick crashes into the wall. They jumped at the right moment. Long ball from Vozinha for Scott McTominay who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy.

Points shared with München Ordnung-Muss-Sein. Vozinha slumps against the corner flag for a few seconds before pulling himself up. Scott McTominay has a chinwag with their number 10 — old pals from the academy days. Football brings people together, even when nobody's really won. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Brenda Sogbottom, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?'. The answer was of course three consecutive drizzles, as defined by the Met Office Dampness Protocol of 1991. Brenda wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

2-1 (W)

They're going for broke, nothing can stop them now. Mad scenes, Vozinha sprinting to the halfway line to get back up in time. GOOOOL from Vitinha! MAJESTIC angled header on the cross from Cláudio Braga, the ball brushes the post and is in!

Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. Lawrence Shankland catches everyone off guard with a solo burst, he is unstoppable. GOOOOOOL from Lawrence Shankland! On the pass from Scott McTominay, he curls it with the right foot and beats the keeper at the far post!

Lawrence Shankland does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Vozinha launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Vozinha arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. Scott McTominay finds Vitinha between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Brilliant cut-back from Vitinha along the grass for Scott McTominay. That is an absolute peach of a ball. Scott McTominay trips over his own feet in front of the empty net! Vitinha had done it all, what an absolute waste. The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it.

John McGinn lays it off first time to Gabriel Magalhães, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Gabriel Magalhães squares it back for Craig Halkett, low and hard across the six-yard box, just needs a tap in.

Vozinha catapults the ball towards Craig Halkett from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. Interception from Craig Halkett who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of Craig Halkett. One touch football: Craig Halkett to Vitinha, faster than the opposition can think.

Vitinha starts a chant and within seconds the whole dressing room joins in. Boots stamping, hands clapping, proper old-school dressing room stuff. Gabriel Magalhães conducts like it is the Last Night of the Proms. The gaffer lets it go for thirty seconds then kills it: "Save the singing for the pub tonight. We have still got a job to do." Now here's a proper one — Cláudio Braga was caught by paparazzi doing a big shop in Aldi at half ten at night. Trolley full of knock-off biscuits and frozen pizzas. At 180, the man clearly needs his fuel, and he's not paying Waitrose prices for it. And now, our TV game show Pointless Gestures! To win a royal family commemorative tea towel set, text 0800CROWN and answer: 'How many corgis can fit in a single Buckingham Palace corridor?' And we are back underway! Gabriel Magalhães jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. Pass into no-man's land from Cláudio Braga, nobody on the end of it, the ball rolls straight to the opposition. Gift. Dujon Sterling sprints at the defender and pinches the ball right off his toes. Aggressive pressing, decisive recovery.

What a disaster! London Three-Pints score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Vozinha is at the centre, lifted up by Vitinha and Vozinha, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. London Three-Pints's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

Roulette from Vitinha on his marker, the skill is magnificent, the crowd goes wild! Failed dribble from Vitinha, he tried to do too much and the defender capitalises. Craig Halkett mistimes the tackle and catches the opponent's shin. Free kick. Craig Halkett sends an inswinging free kick in, Mikey Moore rises for the header at the far post.

Dujon Sterling cleans up with a magnificent sliding tackle, wins possession, and plays it forward. That's the complete defensive action. Dujon Sterling slides it to Gabriel Magalhães, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Long ball from Gabriel Magalhães to John McGinn, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing.

Change of flanks from Dujon Sterling, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Andrew (Andy) Robertson. Andrew (Andy) Robertson tries to find Dujon Sterling but it is nowhere near him. Sloppy stuff. Dujon Sterling goes to war in the opposition half and comes back with the ball. Pressing is a battle, and Dujon Sterling just won it. Counter-attack fires off the blocks, blistering pace from the front three. Vitinha has a go but it drifts to the right of goal. Not far away though.

Mikey Moore presses high and picks off the sloppy pass from the defender. When you bring that intensity, the opposition errors come thick and fast. Mikey Moore unleashes a fierce drive, it's GOIIIIING... wide. Clips the post on the way out though. A thousand passes ending with a backpass to the keeper, utterly frustrating. Craig Halkett frees up the entire channel for Lawrence Shankland with a ball into space. The defence is caught on the wrong foot. Low cut-back from Lawrence Shankland, the ball threads between the defender's legs and reaches Dujon Sterling.

Brilliant! Craig Halkett goes straight to the family section, finds his people in the crowd, and blows kisses with both hands. Vozinha photobombs from behind with the daftest grin you've ever seen. The post-match interview can wait — this is what football's about. Philippa from Henley-on-Thames says at least fourteen corgis comfortably and twenty at a push. The tea towel set is hers! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'