My dream football team — football_team 🇬🇧

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-0 (W)

The ref blows up! Mikael Ishak's shot is blocked by an arm in the box. Penalty, and you can't argue with that one. GOOOOAL from Bukayo Saka! ICE COLD penalty, he places it left, the keeper goes right. Total composure!

Mikael Ishak climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Bukayo Saka films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Tino Livramento intercepts the ball, he was a step ahead of everyone on the pitch. Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. WIIIIIDE! Phil Foden put plenty on it but the ball slides just past the frame of the goal.

Wojciech Mońka jumps too early and comes back down before the ball arrives, the opponent profits and wins the duel. Nick Pope parries it back into the middle, that is dangerous! Wojciech Mońka launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty.

Ezri Konsa throws himself into the passing lane and comes away with the ball. Phenomenal reading of the game. Short build-up from Ezri Konsa to Phil Foden, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Phil Foden sends the defender the wrong way with a stepover, that is technically brutal. Phil Foden fires a powerful cross into the danger zone, Bruno Fernandes throws himself at it. It is heating up in the box. Header from Bruno Fernandes, it flies just past the post, he had to hit the target there.

Nick Pope sparks the transition with a quick throw to Phil Foden, the break is lightning fast. Phil Foden launches himself and thumps a dominant header on the cross. The opponent was still on the ground while Phil Foden was flying. Lightning overlap from Phil Foden, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides. Perfect pull-back from Phil Foden, Bukayo Saka receives it facing goal inside the area. Dream scenario. Nick Pope palms the ball away with a firm hand. Corner. The attacker cannot believe it.

The physio announces the GPS stats: "Nick Pope has covered seven kilometres already." Bruno Fernandes shouts: "That is because {he} has been chasing their winger all half!" Nick Pope fires back: "At least I caught him, unlike you last week." Laughter all round. The gaffer taps the board. "Focus, lads. Same energy second half." Here's one for the ages — Nick Pope is the reigning champion of the dressing room biscuit dunking competition. His record is a full eleven-second dunk with a digestive. No breakage. At 199, his hand-to-mug coordination is genuinely world class. And now, our TV game show Only Fools and Quizzes! To win a genuine Reliant Robin air freshener, text 3678 and answer: 'In which year did Del Boy last say this time next year we will be millionaires and actually mean it?' The tunnel spits the players back onto the pitch one by one. Nick Pope comes out with that walk. You know the one. Shoulders back, chest out. Something has clicked.

Yannick Agnero goes all in with the tackle but comes away with nothing but thin air. Nick Pope parries it weakly into the middle, the attacker is a whisker from opening the scoring! Tino Livramento clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched.

Nuno Mendes with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! Nuno Mendes to Mikael Ishak, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages. Pass, pass, pass, back to the keeper... same old script.

The bench is screaming, the fans roaring, one last massive push. The keeper is up, Nick Pope getting ready to meet the corner with his head. Wojciech Mońka wins his duel in the air and heads it down for Ezri Konsa. Aerial dominance in the service of the team. Wojciech Mońka links up with Yannick Agnero, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up.

The corner from Bruno Fernandes is snuffed out by the defence, a defender clears at the near post. Nuno Mendes clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep.

Monster clearance from Wojciech Mońka! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. Rolling forward like a freight train, the opposition are hanging on. Phil Foden curls a cross to the near post, Nuno Mendes is lurking in the box.

GET IN THERE! Nick Pope slides on his knees across the wet turf, Ezri Konsa piles on top, and suddenly half the squad is in a heap. The physio's already panicking about someone's hamstring. Paris Saint-Glinglin can only watch. That's what it means to this lot. Terry from Peckham says Del Boy has never once meant it and that's the beauty of it all. Enjoy the Reliant Robin air freshener, Terry! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

2-1 (W)

Concrete low block, even set pieces aren't getting through. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. Bruno Fernandes winds up and SMASHES it! The ball flies like a rocket and ends up smack in the goal. INCREDIBLE!

Bruno Fernandes does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Bukayo Saka launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Nick Pope arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

Phil Foden sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. Phil Foden dinks his cross over the centre-halves, Nuno Mendes arrives at full pace behind them. GOOOOAL! Nuno Mendes places his header from the cross by Mikael Ishak, immaculate!

Sideways, backwards, sideways again, the crowd is getting restless. The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. Tino Livramento sends an aerial beauty to Bukayo Saka, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile.

Delicious through ball from Yannick Agnero, the ball slides in behind the centre-halves and Bukayo Saka is there to gobble it up. Bukayo Saka drifts just offside as Yannick Agnero plays the pass, the flag goes up. Agonising! A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent. Good ball from Wojciech Mońka to Tino Livramento, playing it quick between the lines.

Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. Bruno Fernandes threads the needle between the two centre-backs, Bukayo Saka bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. OHHH what a strike from Bukayo Saka! On target, thundering towards goal but the keeper stands firm. Huge save. Bukayo Saka takes the corner but the opposition defence is well organized, cleared.

Nuno Mendes is planning the celebration already. "If I score in the second half, I am doing the knee slide right in front of their lot," {he} tells Ezri Konsa, who replies: "Last time you tried that you pulled your hamstring." The dressing room erupts. The gaffer shakes his head. "Just score the goal, we will worry about the celebration later." In a baffling move, Ezri Konsa adopted a tortoise named Gary Lineker. At 29, the footballer insists Gary brings calm to the household, despite the tortoise doing absolutely nothing at all times. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 3737 and answer this question: 'What is the pH level of a Greggs steak bake?' And we are back underway! Yannick Agnero jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

Perfectly executed challenge by Nuno Mendes, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb. Phenomenal run from Nuno Mendes, he cuts through the midfield like a hot knife through butter.

Intelligent short corner from Vitinha to Nuno Mendes, they refuse the aerial cross. Perfect cut-back from Nuno Mendes, Bukayo Saka receives it on the deck in acres of space. Dream scenario. NOOOOO Bukayo Saka! The goal was empty, Wojciech Mońka puts it on his foot and he blazes it over the bar! A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all.

What a block! Wojciech Mońka slides in with impeccable timing and takes the ball away. That's defending at its finest. Wojciech Mońka slides a beauty through the gap, Bukayo Saka is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. Bukayo Saka goes for it and fires! Wide, just to the left of goal. Not far off at all. We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough.

Absolutely dreadful! México No-Era-Penal score and we have only ourselves to blame.

Nick Pope runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Tino Livramento joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. Wojciech Mońka puts Bukayo Saka into orbit with a laser-guided through ball. The kind of pass that lifts an entire stadium to its feet. Bukayo Saka wants to find Bruno Fernandes between the lines but the weight is all wrong. Intercepted.

Free kick played short, Phil Foden to Bukayo Saka, they bypass the wall with the combination. Bukayo Saka shifts it to Yannick Agnero with a short pass, threading it between two defenders.

What a performance! Nuno Mendes exchanges jerseys with the México No-Era-Penal skipper — firm handshake, quiet word, respect between competitors. Then he turns and unleashes a primal scream at the sky. Nick Pope just laughs. "He does that every time we win," he tells the camera. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Colin Flannel-Trousers, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the pH level of a Greggs steak bake?'. The answer was of course off the scale entirely, scientists refuse to measure it on moral grounds. Colin wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

3-2 (W)

Oh no, Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score! Their forward was left completely unmarked, schoolboy defending.

Nick Pope legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Phil Foden tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Phil Foden presses high and the defender loses the ball under pressure. It is simple, it is effective, it is intensity football. Sharp cut inside from Phil Foden, the defender is left rooted to the spot. That is nasty. GOOOOAL from Phil Foden! On the inswinging cross from Bukayo Saka, he places his shot along the ground and the ball is in!

Perfect back flip from Phil Foden right in front of the home end, five-star landing. Wojciech Mońka tries the same behind him, lands flat on his arse, the whole squad doubled over laughing. Even Nick Pope has made it up, hands on knees, breathless. Proper scenes.

Clinical interception from Nuno Mendes, he cuts out the pass between the opposition lines and breaks forward on the counter. The crowd loves it, and rightly so. Key pass from Nuno Mendes! It fizzes between the lines and Ezri Konsa collects on the run, the defence is left for dead. GOOOAL! Ezri Konsa sneaks in front of the keeper and diverts the ball with the tip of his boot. No keeper can do better!

Nuno Mendes rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Wojciech Mońka jumps on his back, Nick Pope is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

They've done it! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Nick Pope points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. Wojciech Mońka comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

Every player defending like their life depends on it, the block stands firm. Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. GOOOOOAL! Mikael Ishak places it inside the post from the cross by Phil Foden, the keeper was well positioned but had no chance!

Mikael Ishak mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Bruno Fernandes plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Nick Pope plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

Bruno Fernandes is telling anyone who will listen about the nutmeg {he} put on their centre-half. "Did you see his face? Mate, he looked like he had seen a ghost!" Mikael Ishak adds: "The poor lad is probably still turning." The gaffer lets the banter flow. Happy dressing room, happy results. Roommates on away trips confirm Nuno Mendes sleepwalks to the hotel minibar and eats all the Pringles unconsciously. At 24, the lad has no memory of it and denies the crumb evidence every single time. And now, our TV game show Homes Under the Hammer Price! To win a doorknob from a house that needed a lot of work, text 0800FIXER and answer: 'What does a lot of potential mean in estate agent language?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Bruno Fernandes high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

Last roll of the dice, legs are gone but the belief is still there. Right-footed cross from Phil Foden, the ball bends beautifully into the box and seeks out Bukayo Saka. Bukayo Saka crosses too far from the target, the ball drifts towards the opposite touchline. Authoritative clearance from Tino Livramento in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards.

The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. Clumsy challenge from Phil Foden, stands on the opponent's foot. Unintentional but still a foul. Phil Foden pretends to strike and lays it off to Bukayo Saka, well worked short free kick. Bukayo Saka takes on his man with a sharp turn, one touch and it is done. Clean. JUST WIIIIIDE from Bukayo Saka! Right idea but it slides past the far post by inches.

Crunching tackle by Tino Livramento on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it. Tino Livramento picks out Ezri Konsa with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Ezri Konsa eliminates his opponent with a short piece of skill, absolutely surgical. Ezri Konsa pulls the opponent back as he tries to break. Cynical but necessary. Ezri Konsa finally goes into the book. Third foul, the ref had enough of it.

Intense pressing, the defender panics and lumps it anywhere. Lovely interception from Ezri Konsa, he anticipated the movement and cut off the pass before it reached its target. Ezri Konsa opens up to Nuno Mendes on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Textbook tackle from Nuno Mendes there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted.

Tackle miles off from Yannick Agnero, absolutely done in by the attacker's quick feet. Nick Pope grazes the leather with his fingertips and turns it over! World class goalkeeping. The corner from Nuno Mendes is met by a defender who volleys it out for a throw-in.

Quick exchange between Tino Livramento and Mikael Ishak, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Mikael Ishak spots the gap and sends Phil Foden into it with a perfectly weighted pass. The channel is wide open. Phil Foden sets it for Tino Livramento, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Tino Livramento slips Ezri Konsa in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever.

Nuno Mendes lights the fuse with a cutting pass for Ezri Konsa down the channel. The defence is caught cold, it is over for them. Flag up! Ezri Konsa was beyond the last man when Tino Livramento released the pass. Yannick Agnero scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive.

It's over and we've won it! Bruno Fernandes grabs the corner flag and plants it at the centre spot like he's claiming new territory. Bukayo Saka pretends to salute. The fans are in absolute stitches. The manager pretends to be annoyed but you can see him smirking. Top, top scenes. Pauline from Wakefield says a lot of potential means the roof is missing and there may be foxes living in the bathroom. Doorknob for Pauline! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

2-1 (W)

Beautiful distribution from Nick Pope to Tino Livramento, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. The opponent beats Tino Livramento to the near post and wins the header. Tino Livramento was caught on his heels. What a DOWNWARD header from Wojciech Mońka! Sumptuous header on the cross from Mikael Ishak, the ball dies in the bottom corner. GOAL!

Nick Pope stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Ezri Konsa comes over and hugs him without a word.

Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Bukayo Saka reads the movement from Phil Foden and puts the ball right into the pocket of space. Game intelligence off the charts. OHHH the GOAL from Phil Foden! On the gift from Mikael Ishak, he opens up his foot and sends the ball to the far post. SUMPTUOUS!

Bukayo Saka stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Nuno Mendes follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Nick Pope plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end. Phil Foden shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for Bukayo Saka. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces. Bukayo Saka looks for Tino Livramento but the pass is way too long, that is going out for a throw-in.

Rapid break, the defenders are still trying to find their marks. Vitinha hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust. Vitinha loses the ball trying to dribble, the defender was the smarter of the two. Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered.

It's a goal for Dakar Teranga FC! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

The gaffer strolls into the dressing room with a grin wider than the Stretford End. Bukayo Saka is sprawled on the bench like {he} just won the pools. "More of the same, lads, more of the same," says the boss, tapping the tactics board once for emphasis. Someone chucks a towel at Yannick Agnero and the whole room erupts. Proper buzzing in here. We can confirm that Nick Pope owns a caravan called 'The Palace' which is parked permanently in a field near Whitby. It has no running water, a portable telly, and a signed photo of Peter Crouch. At 199, he can barely stand up inside it. And now, our TV game show Tipping Pointless! To win a B&Q gift card worth exactly one paintbrush, text 0800DIY and answer: 'How many trips to B&Q does it take to finish a single shelf?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Nuno Mendes leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Vitinha launches it to Phil Foden on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality. What a ball from Tino Livramento! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and Bukayo Saka is away on his own. That is velvet. Bukayo Saka bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket.

Yannick Agnero triggers a change of flanks for Bukayo Saka, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Aerial duel won by Bukayo Saka, he outmuscles his opponent in the air. Aerial power is his bread and butter. Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end. SHOOOOOT from Yannick Agnero, it's heading for the corner but the keeper gets across and tips it wide!

Free kick from Bruno Fernandes played as a cross, Phil Foden positions himself at the far post. Aerial duel lost by Phil Foden, he misjudged the flight of the ball and the opponent pounced. COLOSSAL save from Nick Pope! The keeper reacted in a split second on that thunderbolt.

Rapid combination: Mikael Ishak to Vitinha, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Vitinha spreads the play and finds Bruno Fernandes in a motorway on the left flank. The defence is stretched thin. Bruno Fernandes plays it simple to Bukayo Saka, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Bukayo Saka puts it right into the feet of Mikael Ishak, one touch and away. Silky stuff.

Bruno Fernandes spreads it to Ezri Konsa, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Ezri Konsa tries the power drive and BOOOOM! On target but the keeper gets down and blocks. Saved! Corner from Ezri Konsa, good delivery but the defence reads it well and clears.

Nick Pope launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Tino Livramento after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. One touch football: Tino Livramento to Mikael Ishak, faster than the opposition can think. Mikael Ishak gifts Nuno Mendes a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal.

Get in! Tino Livramento and Bruno Fernandes do the customary shirt swap with a couple of Dakar Teranga FC players — handshakes, mutual respect, the lot. Then Tino Livramento turns to the home end and cups his ears. The roar nearly takes the roof off. Pub's gonna be lively tonight. Steve from Sunderland says at least seven trips and that's before you realize you bought the wrong screws. The gift card is his! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

2-2 (L)

Blistering solo run from Mikael Ishak, he covers sixty yards on his own, beating three defenders. PENALTY for Mikael Ishak! He enters the box, the defender brings him down and the referee points to the spot! No DOUBT about it, it is a penalty. The pressure is ENORMOUS. GOOOAL! Mikael Ishak sends the penalty in with a POWERFUL and PRECISE strike! The keeper was beaten. CONVERTED!

Mikael Ishak legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Yannick Agnero tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Ball recovered and they've gone from end to end in the blink of an eye. Bukayo Saka finds the gap and serves Yannick Agnero in behind the last man. That is three-cushion snooker, that is. Delicate lob from Yannick Agnero, the ball floats over the keeper and dies in the back of the net. ABSOLUTE class, that is Panenka in open play.

Phil Foden does not fancy the shot and goes short to Tino Livramento, trying to disorganise the defence. Tino Livramento beats his man with a sharp outside cut, the skill is absolutely effortless. Tino Livramento rolls it to Mikael Ishak, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. The one-two between Mikael Ishak and Vitinha blows the defensive block apart. Give, run, return, done. Clinical.

Oh it's gone in! Douala Makossa-Corner find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

'I told you so' mode. Nick Pope eyeballs the Douala Makossa-Corner bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Bukayo Saka pulls Nick Pope away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking. Bruno Fernandes takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race. Lob from Bruno Fernandes over the entire defence, Nuno Mendes finds himself in acres of space. Everything is on. Lovely take from Nick Pope! He comes off his line and claims the cross, clean as a whistle. Short restart from Nick Pope to Tino Livramento, building from the back nice and tidy.

Tactical debate in the corner. Ezri Konsa wants to push higher. Mikael Ishak reckons they will get done on the counter. The gaffer listens to both, arms folded, then makes the call: "We push up. Mikael Ishak, you cover. If they break, you are the last man. No arguments." The room goes quiet. Orders received. A cracking detail — Ezri Konsa, standing at 183, once tried to fix a leaky tap in the dressing room and flooded the entire physio area. He blamed the water pressure, which is the most British excuse anyone has ever given for anything. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 9494 and answer this question: 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Bruno Fernandes is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Bruno Fernandes delivers a tidy ball to Yannick Agnero, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Strike from Yannick Agnero that thuds into the defensive wall. The defender threw himself in without fear. Ezri Konsa sends the corner in but a defender gets there first and heads it out for a throw. Wojciech Mońka absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime.

Firm pass from Mikael Ishak into Ezri Konsa, right into the boots. No waste. Ezri Konsa turns the game on its head with one razor-sharp pass for Wojciech Mońka. The defence did not even have time to blink. Offside against Wojciech Mońka! But that is so tight it's almost criminal! Phil Foden is beside himself. Tidy restart from Nick Pope along the deck to Ezri Konsa, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Ezri Konsa shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class.

Bukayo Saka chips his cross over the back line, Tino Livramento is at the far post, free as a bird. Tino Livramento goes for goal of the season with the volley and it flies over. The stadium applauds anyway, that was special. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions.

Yannick Agnero finds Tino Livramento between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Tino Livramento switches the play to Ezri Konsa on the far side, superb crossfield ball! Ezri Konsa dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution. Ezri Konsa goes into bullet-train mode and drives the length of the pitch. That is breathtaking.

Intense pressing from Bukayo Saka, he wins the ball back thirty yards from goal. Bukayo Saka shakes off the defender with a sharp cut, the path is clear. SHOOOOT from Bukayo Saka... just wide! Shaves the post, so close to going in.

GOAL! Douala Makossa-Corner have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

'I told you so' mode. Nick Pope eyeballs the Douala Makossa-Corner bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Bukayo Saka pulls Nick Pope away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

That is a tackle of the highest order from Nuno Mendes. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic. What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. What a hit from Mikael Ishak! Absolute ROCKEEEET, on target but the keeper somehow claws it away!

Draw. Mikael Ishak takes the time to shake every Douala Makossa-Corner player's hand, one by one — old habit, old manners. Yannick Agnero follows suit. The screens show the stats: possession 50, shots on target 4 each. Perfect mirror. Neither side deserved more. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?'. The answer was of course 900 degrees Celsius, which is why the British stare at the floor numbers with such intensity. Maureen wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

2-2 (L)

Mikael Ishak plays the simple ball to Wojciech Mońka, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Wojciech Mońka pulls it back along the ground for Mikael Ishak, that is the perfect cut-back! GOOOOOAL for Mikael Ishak! On the genius pass from Bruno Fernandes, he beats the keeper with a placed finish, MAGNIFICENT!

Mikael Ishak climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Yannick Agnero films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Step-overs from Phil Foden followed by an explosion of pace, the defender buys the feint and eats the dust. Phil Foden treats himself! He beats half the opposition team and finishes on his own, GOAL!

Phil Foden stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Bruno Fernandes comes over and hugs him without a word.

Bruno Fernandes delivers an inswinging free kick, Mikael Ishak at the back post tries to get on the end of it. Header from Mikael Ishak, he did everything right except the finish! It goes wide, the keeper thanks the woodwork. Bukayo Saka hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! Ezri Konsa wins his aerial duel with fierce determination, he outmuscles the attacker and comes away with possession.

Defensive organization is perfect, the opposition hits a brick wall. Brilliant tackle from Nuno Mendes! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending. Little shift from Nuno Mendes to Phil Foden, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Ball over the top from Phil Foden, Bruno Fernandes had timed the run half a second early and the timing is perfection.

We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. The ball pings around but the defenders are barely breaking sweat. Yannick Agnero gives it to Vitinha into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. It falls apart for Vitinha, the pass goes the wrong way entirely, the opponent recovers and starts again.

"Sixty-two percent possession and not a single clear chance. You are passing it around like a game of piggy in the middle!" The gaffer slams the stats sheet on the table. Nick Pope winces. Tino Livramento looks away. Something has got to change and everyone in this room knows it. Phil Foden once tweeted 'rate my Sunday roast' and the entire internet destroyed the 26-year-old for putting the Yorkshire puddings on a separate plate. The tweet was deleted within eleven minutes. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 5555 and answer this question: 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Bruno Fernandes sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

Wojciech Mońka produces a sensational tackle in the box, wins the ball, no penalty shout. That takes serious courage. Fast break, one-touch football, they've cut them to ribbons. Phil Foden powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated. Phil Foden floats a cross in from the wing for Tino Livramento, the ball hangs in the box!

Oh that's terrible! Lagos No-Carry-Last score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

Vitinha changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Nuno Mendes. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Magnificent leap from Nuno Mendes who dominates the aerial duel. When he takes off like that, nobody stands a chance. They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. Bruno Fernandes picks it up and goes coast to coast like a man possessed. Nobody is stopping him.

Bruno Fernandes delivers, it's a scramble! The ball ricochets off shins and heads, defense finally boots it away! Bukayo Saka hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match. Groans from the stands, this possession is going nowhere. Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill. They've grabbed the game by the scruff of the neck now.

Nick Pope throws it out quickly to Mikael Ishak, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Diagonal from Mikael Ishak to Phil Foden, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Good run from Phil Foden who crosses to the near post for Nuno Mendes. The defender is beaten to it.

GOAL! Lagos No-Carry-Last have netted! Their forward pounced on the loose ball. Clinical.

Nick Pope runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Yannick Agnero joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

The corner from Bukayo Saka is claimed by a defender at the near post, nothing comes of it. Wojciech Mońka heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one. Wojciech Mońka looks up and launches a long pass towards Ezri Konsa. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Lay-off from Ezri Konsa to Bukayo Saka, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Fantastic high recovery from Bukayo Saka, he sprinted twenty yards to go and rip the ball away. The effort is immense.

1-1. Mikael Ishak and Bukayo Saka are the last two off the pitch, as ever. The stadium is nearly empty, a groundsman is starting to fold up the advertising boards. "Next time," says Mikael Ishak. "Next time," replies Bukayo Saka. And they vanish into the tunnel. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Gerald Musty-Carpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?'. The answer was of course the M42, originally called the Badger's Lament until the council shortened it. Gerald wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

3-2 (W)

Mikael Ishak tears into the opposition build-up, running everywhere, and ends up stealing the ball. That man is a guard dog. Mikael Ishak follows up the play perfectly on the strike from Phil Foden! The keeper parries, he prods it in. GOAL!

Mikael Ishak fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. Vitinha plays the medic running in. Nick Pope plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

Nuno Mendes sees everything, understands everything, and intercepts at the perfect moment. That is the kind of player who makes a team unbeatable. Absolute peach from Nuno Mendes, threading it through for Phil Foden, the centre-halves are done for! GOOOAL for Phil Foden! He read the trajectory and slides the ball past the keeper. STRIKER'S goal!

Wojciech Mońka with the last-ditch tackle, gets every bit of the ball and none of the man. The ref's happy, we're happy. Solo charge from Wojciech Mońka, he sets off from midfield and arrives in the opposition box. GOAL! What a LOB from Wojciech Mońka! On the pass from Phil Foden, he spots the keeper off his line and chips it with the TOP of his foot. The ball drops just on the line and goes in. CLASSY!

Wojciech Mońka spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Yannick Agnero gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Corner from Bruno Fernandes into the danger area but a defender heads it away, dealt with. Magnificent reading of the game from Tino Livramento, he intercepts between the lines and launches the counter. That kind of action turns a match on its head. Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart.

Yannick Agnero drops a lofted ball to Phil Foden, it sails over the entire midfield line. Phil Foden lofts a cross into the box, Yannick Agnero is there, sandwiched between two defenders, ready to pounce. Yannick Agnero rises above his marker and wins the header! He got up higher than everyone.

The boss pulls Vitinha aside: "You have been absolutely magnificent out there, mate. 26 years old and running the show like you own the place. Keep doing what you are doing." Vitinha just nods, half-smile on {his} face, the quiet confidence of someone who knows {he} is having a blinder. We can exclusively reveal that Mikael Ishak, standing 184, owns a pair of lucky pants that he's worn under his kit for three consecutive seasons. They're held together by hope and a single thread, but the results speak for themselves. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Be a Milliner! To win a Primark bag full of reduced Percy Pigs from M&S, text 0800PORK and answer: 'How many Percy Pigs can you fit in a shopping trolley?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Vitinha sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

What a mess! Barranquilla Toque-Toque capitalise on that blunder. We are our own worst enemy.

Nick Pope fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. Yannick Agnero plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

Nuno Mendes refuses to give up, sprints all the way back and arrives just in time to make the tackle. Nuno Mendes commits the tactical foul without hesitation. The bench nods in approval. Nuno Mendes picks up a yellow card for a clinical foul. Stopped the danger, paid the price. Nuno Mendes tries the free kick but the wall is well positioned and blocks it. That's that. The corner from Bukayo Saka comes to nothing, the defence clears at the first post.

Stunning tackle by Nuno Mendes in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. Transition play in overdrive, they're at the edge of the box already. Phil Foden puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins. Phil Foden reaches the byline and cuts it back for Yannick Agnero arriving from the second wave.

Nightmare! Barranquilla Toque-Toque score! That goal was coming, we've been under the cosh.

Nick Pope dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

The team in a low block is impenetrable, every cross dealt with. Huge tackle from Nuno Mendes! Went through the back door and nicked the ball before the striker could get his shot away. Wicked through ball from Nuno Mendes, the ball skims the grass and finds Tino Livramento who had set off before anyone else even noticed. Tino Livramento rifles one in, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper comes up big. Corner to the attacking side.

Nick Pope distributes short to Bukayo Saka, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Smooth transition from Bukayo Saka to Nuno Mendes, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Nuno Mendes drops the defender with a fake shot. Clever as you like.

The free kick from Bruno Fernandes is a dangerous one, Mikael Ishak meets it on the volley inside the six-yard box. Mikael Ishak loses his duel in the air on the cross, the opponent got better positioning. SAVE from Nick Pope! The attacker had a go but the keeper produced a MONUMENTAL hand.

What a result against Barranquilla Toque-Toque! Nick Pope walks over to the travelling support, puts his hand on his heart, and bows. Nuno Mendes follows and throws his boots into the crowd. Some lad in row G is going home with a size 9 souvenir. Scenes. Sharon from Basildon says two hundred and six Percy Pigs, which she verified personally last Saturday. Primark bag and all, she's the winner! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-1 (L)

The ball from Tino Livramento rips through the defensive curtain, Nuno Mendes is flying into the space like an arrow. Nuno Mendes looks at the keeper, sees the angle, and places his shot! It is in, IT IS A GREAT GOAL!

Tino Livramento mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Bruno Fernandes raises Tino Livramento's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Nick Pope plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

Tino Livramento clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive. Foul by Bukayo Saka, he had to make that challenge to stop the break. Tactical.

Blistering run from Vitinha on the wing, the defender is chasing but never catches up. Vitinha dives in the penalty area, hoping to con the referee. Not today, son. Vitinha booked for simulation, he was looking for a penalty and found a yellow card instead. Vitinha plays a low free kick into the box, Bukayo Saka cuts across to meet it in front of goal.

Nick Pope hoofs it forward towards Yannick Agnero, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Wing switch from Yannick Agnero, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Wojciech Mońka brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Cross from Wojciech Mońka, he puts it on the far post for Tino Livramento. Tino Livramento tries a powerful cross but the defender is there and blocks everything.

No let-up now, balls raining into the penalty area nonstop. Everything on the line, Nick Pope is up, nothing to lose now. What a leap from Wojciech Mońka! He rises above the lot and wins the header with royal composure. Wojciech Mońka slides it to Tino Livramento, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

The dressing room is silent apart from the fizz of isotonic drinks being opened and the squeak of boots on tiles. Bukayo Saka is biting {his} nails in the corner. Nick Pope stares at the ceiling like it holds the answers to everything. The gaffer lets the silence do its work before delivering his half-time talk. Tino Livramento once tweeted 'rate my Sunday roast' and the entire internet destroyed the 24-year-old for putting the Yorkshire puddings on a separate plate. The tweet was deleted within eleven minutes. And now, our TV game show Bargain Hunt for Socks! To win a multipack of sensible socks from Primark, text 0800SOCK and answer: 'How many odd socks does the average British household have at any given time?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Mikael Ishak leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Ezri Konsa lays it off first time to Bukayo Saka, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Bukayo Saka keeps it short to Phil Foden, no frills, just good football intelligence. Phil Foden takes on the defender in tight quarters and comes out on top. Pure talent. Phil Foden tries to dribble in too tight a space and gets the ball nicked off him.

What a SHAMBLES in the box after Vitinha's corner! Bodies everywhere, somehow the defense holds! Ezri Konsa boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there. Sterile football, looks like a testimonial out there.

Ezri Konsa launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. Emergency clearance from Ezri Konsa, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe. Yannick Agnero tries to get up for the duel but the attacker beats him to the header. The timing was off. Wojciech Mońka sends a furious header but the ball sails over the bar. So close yet so far.

Unbelievable! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa score from nowhere. Their striker just smashed it in.

Bruno Fernandes bounces off Ezri Konsa, gets it back in stride, and it is done. The kind of combination that makes football beautiful. One laser pass from Bruno Fernandes and the entire defence is eliminated, Bukayo Saka is through on goal. The space is enormous. Bukayo Saka is given offside by the width of a bootlace, Nuno Mendes is shaking his head. Short distribution from Nick Pope to Bruno Fernandes, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. Aerial duel won by Bruno Fernandes, he absolutely dominates in the air against the defender.

Nuno Mendes reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. Sideways ball from Nuno Mendes to Yannick Agnero, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Yannick Agnero looks for Mikael Ishak with a ball in behind but it is massively overhit. The opposition keeper collects without moving. They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass.

Draw against Montevideo Garra-Charrúa. Yannick Agnero kisses the club badge as he passes the home end — a gesture for the fans, regardless. Ezri Konsa does the same. The squad stays tight, the season rolls on. Nights like this, you close ranks. Janet from Wolverhampton says twenty-three odd socks at minimum and that's a conservative estimate. Primark multipack for Janet! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

2-2 (L)

GOAAAL! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío make it count! Sliced through us like a hot knife through butter.

Nick Pope kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Bukayo Saka takes a knee behind him. Nick Pope raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Wall combination between Nuno Mendes and Mikael Ishak, fluid, rapid, and it creates an overload going forward. GOOOOL from Nuno Mendes! Massive right-footed strike, the ball almost rips the net off. GOOOOAL!

Nuno Mendes legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Mikael Ishak tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Disaster! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

Quick one-two between Tino Livramento and Vitinha, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Low cut-back from Vitinha, Phil Foden arrives at pace and can hit it first time. Phil Foden winds up and FIIIIRES! Placed strike, the ball slides into the bottom corner, OPENING GOAAAAL!

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment Tino Livramento strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. Yannick Agnero points at it, jaw on the floor. Nick Pope shakes his head, not believing it.

Rainbow flick from Mikael Ishak, he clips the ball over the defender with his heel. The crowd erupts. Lovely use of the ball by Mikael Ishak, finding Vitinha in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Shifting pass from Vitinha to Bukayo Saka, the ball drifts into the free zone and Bukayo Saka is onto it in two strides.

Studious atmosphere in the dressing room. The coach has his tablet out, replaying clips: "Look, Nuno Mendes, there is acres of space on the overlap and you go back inside every time. Use the width." Nuno Mendes takes the note. The game is there for the taking if they can just find the key. Quite remarkable — Vitinha got into a heated argument at a car boot sale over a secondhand George Foreman grill. Apparently he haggled for twenty minutes, paid three quid, and considers it the greatest negotiation of his career. The man is 26 years old. And now, our TV game show Taskmaster of the Obvious! To win a laminated bus timetable from 2019, text 4678 and answer: 'How early should you arrive at a bus stop to guarantee the bus has already left?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Ezri Konsa is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Tight-knit defense, compact shape, the opposition has to shoot from distance. They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. Powerful run from Phil Foden down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there. Phil Foden looks up and swings in a floated cross, Yannick Agnero rises among the defenders. Cross from Yannick Agnero far too long, the ball flies through the entire box without finding anyone.

Ball stolen and released forward, it's an absolute rocket of a counter. Overlap from Bukayo Saka on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed. Neat lay-off from Bukayo Saka for Wojciech Mońka in the box, the ball is on a plate, clean as a whistle. Wojciech Mońka unleashes an ABSOLUUUUTE CANNON! On target but the keeper gets a strong hand to it. Corner.

Line-breaking pass from Phil Foden! The ball slices through the centre-halves and Mikael Ishak picks it up at full pace. Devastating. Mikael Ishak thought he'd timed it perfectly, but the linesman disagrees. Offside on Wojciech Mońka's pass. Nick Pope goes long for Ezri Konsa, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Ezri Konsa sniffs out the danger and produces a wonderfully timed challenge. Not a hint of a foul.

The corner from Vitinha is cut out at the near post by a defender, no danger. Monumental ball from Yannick Agnero to Wojciech Mońka, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Overlap from Wojciech Mońka with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel. The dribble from Wojciech Mońka fools nobody, the defender collects comfortably. Classy interception from Yannick Agnero, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time.

Nuno Mendes sees the gap and puts the ball right through it. Mikael Ishak is racing into the channel, the defence is watching the train leave the station. Mikael Ishak is flagged and it's the tightest of calls, Nuno Mendes's pass was beautifully weighted too. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare. Nuno Mendes feeds Ezri Konsa in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling.

Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. Majestic individual run from Vitinha, he cuts through the pitch like an arrow. Vitinha shapes up and hits it, just wide but it grazed the bar. The technique was there, the finish just wasn't. Nick Pope distributes by hand to Yannick Agnero on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Yannick Agnero wins the aerial battle against the attacker, he jumped earlier, higher, and stronger. Total domination.

Bukayo Saka pings a long diagonal to Ezri Konsa, completely shifts the point of attack. Magnificent shift from Ezri Konsa! Tino Livramento picks it up in space, no marker in sight, the pitch is his. Tino Livramento takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race. Cut-back from Tino Livramento, the ball zips across the box at ground level to Bukayo Saka.

Points shared. Bruno Fernandes sits on the grass for a full minute, staring up at the floodlights. Phil Foden crouches beside him: "Come on mate, let's get inside. Tuesday's another game." Long season. Draws happen. Nobody's thrilled, nobody's devastated. Leonard from Barnsley says fifteen minutes early guarantees the bus left fourteen minutes ago. Laminated timetable for Leonard! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

2-1 (W)

Absolutely immense from Tino Livramento! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back. Lightning counter, striker's away on his bike and the defence is chasing shadows. GOOOAL! Bukayo Saka onto the pass from Yannick Agnero produces a lob for the AGES! The keeper is beaten through the air, the ball descends slowly and nestles in the net. BEAUTIFUL, GRAND, MAGNIFICENT!

Tino Livramento runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Bruno Fernandes gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

High recovery from Bruno Fernandes, he ran himself into the ground to go and win that ball. The defender never saw him coming. Possession flipped in a heartbeat, textbook transition football. GOOOOOAL! Yannick Agnero turns into a FOX in the box! The ball was loose, he prods it in, simple as that!

Monster clearance from Nick Pope, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Yannick Agnero. Aerial duel lost by Yannick Agnero, he was nudged in the back and could not get a proper jump in. Nick Pope stretches horizontally and tips the shot away with an extended arm. Cat-like! Corner from Vitinha, header from Yannick Agnero at the penalty spot but it is off target. He should have scored.

Bukayo Saka pulls out a backheel nutmeg in open play, the ball goes through the defender's legs with the heel. WOOOW Bukayo Saka launches a missile! On target, the ball is fizzing but the keeper tips it around the post!

Oh the keeper comes out and misses Phil Foden's corner! Scramble on the line, a defender hacks it away! Almighty boot from Mikael Ishak who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe. Frustration boiling over in the stands, going in circles for ten minutes. Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. The away end has gone ominously quiet, this side is on top now.

Nick Pope is planning the celebration already. "If I score in the second half, I am doing the knee slide right in front of their lot," {he} tells Nuno Mendes, who replies: "Last time you tried that you pulled your hamstring." The dressing room erupts. The gaffer shakes his head. "Just score the goal, we will worry about the celebration later." Now this is properly British — Vitinha once spent an entire bank holiday Monday sitting in a car park in the rain, eating a Cornish pasty and listening to TalkSport. When asked why, he simply said 'because it's a bank holiday.' The lad is 26 and gets it. And now, our TV game show Motorway Service Station Bingo! To win a Costa loyalty card with one stamp, text 4567 and answer: 'What is the minimum price of a sandwich at a motorway services?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Mikael Ishak wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

Nuno Mendes launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out. Royal interception from Tino Livramento! He positions himself in the passing corridor and plucks the ball out of thin air. Massive clearance from Tino Livramento, just get the ball as far away as possible. The opposition defenders could grab a brew, nothing is happening.

Superb defensive work from Nuno Mendes there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal. Mikael Ishak tries the curler... it bends beautifully but slides just past the post. AGONISING. The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. They're turning this into a siege, the keeper's going to be busy.

Vitinha gives it to Bruno Fernandes who returns it first time, Vitinha ghosts past his man like he does not exist. Vitinha accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides. Foul by Vitinha in the middle of the park, breaks up a promising move. Vitinha combines with Phil Foden from the free kick, the little pass takes the wall out of the equation.

It's in! Rio Malandro FC take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

Nick Pope and Wojciech Mońka do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Nick Pope arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

Vitinha plants his studs on the attacker's ankle. That's as bad as it gets. Booking for Vitinha. Went in high with the forearm, the opponent felt that. Free kick swung in by Vitinha, the ball travels across the six-yard box and Bruno Fernandes is lurking. Aerial duel won by Bruno Fernandes in his own box. He took the lift to the top floor and cleaned up everything.

Nick Pope rolls it short to Vitinha into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. With one swing of the boot, Vitinha finds Mikael Ishak on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. Mikael Ishak delivers a tidy ball to Yannick Agnero, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work.

Full time, full joy! Vitinha walks the entire touchline high-fiving every fan who leans over the barrier. Wojciech Mońka carries a little kid onto the pitch for a photo — nobody's sure whose kid it is, but everyone's smiling. Rio Malandro FC are yesterday's news. Tony from Warwick says eight pounds fifty for a cheese sandwich the size of a postage stamp. Costa loyalty card for Tony! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

2-1 (W)

Surging run from Yannick Agnero from the centre circle, he destroys everything in his path. What a spectacle. Yannick Agnero storms into the box and the defender UNBALANCES him! The referee awards a penalty! The player gets up, the stadium is SILENT, everyone is holding their breath. Penalty from Yannick Agnero! He fires it hard under the bar, the keeper was on the right line but it was TOO POWERFUL. GOAL!

Yannick Agnero sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. Wojciech Mońka snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. Nick Pope waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

Tino Livramento with a trademark slide tackle, gets the ball and pops straight back up. The fans are on their feet! They're away in transition, pace to burn, it's like watching a freight train. Yannick Agnero spots the keeper off his line and tries the LOB! It clears him! GOAL! The ball sails over the keeper by an inch and drops just behind him. The AUDACITY of that finish, that is OUTRAGEOUS!

Solidarity move: Tino Livramento grabs Bukayo Saka who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Bukayo Saka a standing ovation right through to the restart.

One touch football: Nuno Mendes to Tino Livramento, faster than the opposition can think. The opponent is bundled over by Tino Livramento. Not much in it, but the whistle goes. Booking for Tino Livramento, the niggling fouls have caught up with him at last. Free kick from Tino Livramento... into the wall. The wall didn't flinch. Massive clearance from Wojciech Mońka in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished.

Ferocious press from Bukayo Saka! He sticks to the carrier, hounds him, and ends up winning the ball. The dirty work that makes great players. Bukayo Saka plays it into the channel for Tino Livramento, the defensive line is split clean in two. That is pure filth. Tino Livramento aims for Bukayo Saka but the ball is deflected off an opponent's foot. Pass cut out. What positioning from Tino Livramento! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts. Tino Livramento boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go.

Wojciech Mońka with a last-gasp tackle that saves the day! Gets everything on the ball and nothing on the man. Heroic stuff. Brilliant switch of play from Wojciech Mońka! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Bukayo Saka. Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed.

Pie and Bovril vibes in the dressing room. The gaffer has drawn one arrow on the whiteboard and written underneath it: "Same again." Phil Foden is leaning back with {his} feet up, 171 cm of pure relaxation. Tino Livramento is refuelling on jelly babies. Life is good when the scoreboard is in your favour. A wonderful anecdote — Wojciech Mońka once got lost in an IKEA for two and a half hours. Had to be rescued by staff near the bedroom section. He was 19 at the time and insists the store moved the exits. Classic British Saturday gone wrong. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 1999 and answer this question: 'How long is a piece of string if the string is lying?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Vitinha leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Oh dear oh dear! Istanbul Cehennem FK score and the dugout is fuming. Rightly so.

Bukayo Saka unleashes a raking ball out to Bruno Fernandes, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Bruno Fernandes weights his pass into the space for Bukayo Saka who collects at full pace without breaking stride. Perfection. Phil Foden launches a long ball for Bukayo Saka, but he's well offside. Defence did well. Nick Pope plays out from the back with Wojciech Mońka, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. Burst of speed from Wojciech Mońka, he devours the left flank in a matter of seconds. Impressive.

The block is set up beautifully, compact, disciplined, nothing getting through. Nick Pope closes the angle with his legs and the strike rebounds off him! The keeper is A WALL! Nick Pope opts for the short option to Nuno Mendes, keeping possession, building play, no panic.

Free kick from Bukayo Saka delivered with pace, Nuno Mendes finds himself in space at the far post. The cross from Nuno Mendes is blocked by a defender in the box. The defence holds firm.

Bukayo Saka slips Yannick Agnero in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Flash wall from Ezri Konsa for Yannick Agnero who had started the run before even passing the ball. Insane anticipation. The defence holds its line and Yannick Agnero is caught offside from Bukayo Saka's ball over the top. Nick Pope boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Mikael Ishak! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Mikael Ishak slides into the passing lane and nicks the ball. The opposition does not know what just happened.

Nick Pope plays it along the ground to Phil Foden, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. Switch from Phil Foden! The ball arcs over the midfield and Bukayo Saka collects it on the other side. Stretching the play. Bukayo Saka releases Ezri Konsa with a ball into space on the left. The defence is sliding across but they are too late. Ezri Konsa gets to the byline and cuts it back low, Phil Foden just needs to sidefoot it home. Phil Foden with an absolutely perfect sliding tackle, takes the ball right off the attacker's toes. Nothing given, play on!

What a result against Istanbul Cehennem FK! Nick Pope walks over to the travelling support, puts his hand on his heart, and bows. Bruno Fernandes follows and throws his boots into the crowd. Some lad in row G is going home with a size 9 souvenir. Scenes. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Pauline Drizzle-Hatch, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How long is a piece of string if the string is lying?'. The answer was of course it claims to be six feet but it's really only four, the dishonest thread. Pauline wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-0 (W)

They've broken at pace and the back line is nowhere to be seen. Telepathic pass from Bukayo Saka to Vitinha, like they rehearsed it at breakfast. The ball fizzes in behind the defence. Vitinha lobs the keeper and it is GOAL! The audacity to attempt that finish at THIS moment of the match is what makes GREAT players. Perfect lob, perfect trajectory, PERFECT goal!

Long kick from Nick Pope, Ezri Konsa positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Ezri Konsa explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening. Chipped cross from Ezri Konsa over the defence, Nuno Mendes is underneath it. That is a killer ball.

The intensity has gone up several notches, this is magnificent. Aggressive high press, the opposition keeper is already sweating. Oh what a challenge! Wojciech Mońka goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. Enormous clearance from Wojciech Mońka inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it.

Bukayo Saka plays the free kick quickly to Ezri Konsa, they catch the defence napping. OHHH Ezri Konsa strikes and it goes just wide! The post was trembling! Sterile stuff this, pass after pass going nowhere fast. Mikael Ishak tries his luck and puts it on the third tier. The crowd give him an ironic round of applause.

Team goes on the counter but the final pass is too short, all wasted. Vitinha picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train. Lobbed cross from Vitinha, it sails over the entire back four and Nuno Mendes is there behind. Brilliant. Lovely high take from Nick Pope! He owns his box, the attacker had no time to even jump. Nick Pope sends an absolute rocket towards Wojciech Mońka, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch.

The coach gathers the lads round: "Listen, we are in a great position. But this lot do not lie down, so keep your heads screwed on." Bruno Fernandes claps once, loud, and shouts "Come on then!" like {he} is leading the charge at Agincourt. The energy is electric. These lads are well up for the second half. A scouting report from Bukayo Saka's youth days says — and I quote — 'technically raw, but can eat a full Sunday roast in under eight minutes.' That kind of efficiency translates to the pitch. He's now 25 and hasn't slowed down at the dinner table. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Bedtime! To win a Premier Inn king-size pillow, text 3345 and answer: 'What time does a British person start complaining about the weather each morning?' They are back. Yannick Agnero salutes the travelling fans with a raised fist before taking {his} spot. The faithful respond in kind. Second half. Bring it on.

Mikael Ishak overlaps on the wing with frightening ease, the defender is made to look silly. Looping cross from Mikael Ishak, it sails over the centre-halves and drops towards Bukayo Saka. Danger. Cross from Bukayo Saka intercepted by the centre-half, the defence is alert. Panicked clearance from Bukayo Saka, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done.

Free kick from Vitinha, lovely delivery and Mikael Ishak rises above the defence. Mikael Ishak goes up to the heavens and comes back down with the ball. Aerial duel won, total domination, the opposition can pack their bags. Good ball from Mikael Ishak to Bukayo Saka, playing it quick between the lines. Bukayo Saka wins the ball back high up the pitch after an outrageous press. The defender crumbled under the pressure.

Ezri Konsa goes crossfield to Bruno Fernandes, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Cross from Bruno Fernandes off the left, the ball travels across the entire six-yard box and finds Yannick Agnero at the far side. Nick Pope repels the attempt with a reflex save! Clinical, clean, absolutely enormous. Mikael Ishak heads the corner from Vitinha at the back post, it goes wide. Close but not close enough.

The referee POINTS to the penalty spot! Nuno Mendes has been clipped at the feet inside the box. No argument, it is a penalty! The stadium is holding its collective BREATH! OVER THE BAR! Nuno Mendes sends the penalty into the stands! Absolute disaster!

Nick Pope lumps it long towards Mikael Ishak, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. Magnificent tackle from Mikael Ishak! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Mikael Ishak feeds Bukayo Saka in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. WHAT A SHAME for Bukayo Saka! Thunderous strike that flashes just past the upright.

Massive win over Milano Piano-Piano! Phil Foden is the last man off the pitch, soaking in every last decibel. The ground's half-empty but the noise is still deafening. Tino Livramento pops his head out of the tunnel: "Oi, the pizza's getting cold!" Priorities. Graham from Harrogate says half six and honestly we all agree. He's off to Premier Inn with his brand new pillow. And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

2-1 (W)

Tino Livramento goes to ground and absolutely nails the tackle. Ball won, danger cleared, crowd on their feet. Broken at speed, the lads have bombed forward like their lives depend on it. Oh the TOUCH from Mikael Ishak! SUBLIME lob! The keeper is ten yards off his line, Mikael Ishak spots it, chips the ball and it drops right into the goal. MASTERPIECE!

Tino Livramento kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Mikael Ishak takes a knee behind him. Nick Pope raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Strikers making run after run, long balls flying in every time. Phil Foden rises on the delivery from Yannick Agnero and powers a furious header into the net!

Wojciech Mońka rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Tino Livramento. The far side is completely deserted. Brilliant opening from Tino Livramento for Vitinha, frees up the entire left flank. Driven cross from Vitinha into the box, Tino Livramento arrives at full pace at the near post. This smells like a goal.

It's hit the back of the net! Sevilla Olé-Olé lead and we look completely lost.

Solid as a rock, the block holds under pressure. What a rush out from Nick Pope! He narrows the angle and smothers the shot at the feet. Nick Pope smashes a volley towards Mikael Ishak, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Massive diagonal from Mikael Ishak! Nuno Mendes receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards.

The gaffer sits down, crosses his arms, and just watches the lads for a moment. Vitinha is chatting with Nick Pope about holiday plans. Someone is throwing grapes into someone else's mouth. The staff are relaxed, the players are relaxed. "Right, let us not get complacent," the boss finally says. "But well played. Seriously." Now Wojciech Mońka — and this is absolutely true — once entered a Wetherspoons curry club night and ate three lamb bhuna in a single sitting. At 180, the man is essentially a furnace. The manager gave him a round of applause and a free pint. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 8899 and answer this question: 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?' Back on the pitch and Nick Pope is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

Video review underway, players catching their breath, supporters on the edge of their seats. Incredible tension. VAR shows just how bad the challenge was, Nuno Mendes is sent to the dressing room! Unbelievable scenes! Nuno Mendes has kicked out at the opponent off the ball. He's been sent off. Nuno Mendes plays the free kick back to Ezri Konsa, they are looking for the shooting angle.

Sharp turn from Phil Foden, the defender is sat down. Someone call an ambulance. The attacker tries to sprint past but Phil Foden grabs the waistband, foul! Yellow shown to Phil Foden, he brought down the man rather than let him play the through ball. Phil Foden shapes to shoot but plays it short to Mikael Ishak, the defence is caught flat-footed.

Quick one-two between Mikael Ishak and Tino Livramento, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Careless distribution from Tino Livramento, the ball lands straight at an opponent's feet. The kind of pass that costs you. Huge interception from Ezri Konsa! He cuts out the pass and drives forward. The kind of action that never shows up in the stats but changes the whole match. Ezri Konsa feeds Tino Livramento in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Lay-off from Tino Livramento to Vitinha, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan.

Yannick Agnero gives it to Phil Foden into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Phil Foden has a go but the shot is deflected! The defender took the ball full in the chest. Corner from Ezri Konsa, the ball travels across the box but a defender clears at the far post. Lifesaving clearance from Phil Foden! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters.

The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. Vitinha pings a ridiculous diagonal to Bruno Fernandes. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Bruno Fernandes is beaten in the air, the opponent rises above him with authority. That is tough to take. Wojciech Mońka lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war. Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper.

It's over and we've won it! Nick Pope grabs the corner flag and plants it at the centre spot like he's claiming new territory. Nuno Mendes pretends to salute. The fans are in absolute stitches. The manager pretends to be annoyed but you can see him smirking. Top, top scenes. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Keith Drizzleton, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?'. The answer was of course 4.7 kilonewtons, enough to demolish a conversation but not enough to get served at the bar. Keith wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

2-2 (L)

And it's a goal! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein punish us for that sloppy defending. Heads will roll.

Vitinha feeds Yannick Agnero in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. GOOOOAL from Yannick Agnero! MASTERFUL long-range strike, the ball traces a perfect line and ends in the net!

Ezri Konsa anticipates the pass and intercepts cleanly. The opposition midfielder thought he had found the gap, but it was a trap. Ezri Konsa beats man after man and drives forward on his own, opponents are scattered like skittles. Ezri Konsa takes his time to aim, looks at the keeper, and SHOOTS! On target, in the net, GOOOOAL!

Ruthless press, the opposition can't hold the ball for two seconds. High recovery from Mikael Ishak, he forced the error by hounding the carrier relentlessly. The kind of effort that the stats do not show but that wins football matches. Mikael Ishak sets it for Yannick Agnero, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating.

Nick Pope plays it short to Phil Foden, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Phil Foden plays the simple ball to Vitinha, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll.

The gaffer pulls up München Ordnung-Muss-Sein's shape on the screen: "See how high their line is? One ball over the top and we are in. Nick Pope, you have the pace. Nuno Mendes, you have the vision. Put it together and we are laughing." It sounds simple. Football always sounds simple at halftime. Doing it is the hard part. A little fun fact for you — Nick Pope, all 199 of him, once entered a village conker championship in Lower Piddle and made it to the semi-finals. He was disqualified for soaking his conker in vinegar, which frankly shows the sort of competitive edge you want in a footballer. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 6677 and answer this question: 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?' Wojciech Mońka leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

Driven kick from Nick Pope to Mikael Ishak, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Mikael Ishak powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go. Mikael Ishak tries the cross but it is completely off target, ends up going out for a throw. What composure from Nick Pope! He climbs, gathers the cross and restarts play. The danger has passed. Massive punt from Nick Pope, sends the ball sixty yards, Phil Foden is scrapping for it up top.

The free kick from Phil Foden clears the defence and finds Yannick Agnero in the danger area. Yannick Agnero beats the attacker with a commanding header, he went up like a lift and came back down with the ball. The boss. Yannick Agnero winds up and FIIIIRES! On target! But the keeper pushes it away for a corner.

Phil Foden gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side. Absolutely disgraceful from Phil Foden. Not a shred of contact and he's writhing on the floor. Phil Foden earns a yellow card for diving, you reap what you sow on the pitch. The free kick from Phil Foden is floated in, Yannick Agnero makes his run to the back post.

They've scored! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein break the deadlock and the momentum has completely shifted.

Nick Pope spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Vitinha gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Wojciech Mońka swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Mikael Ishak, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Mikael Ishak wins the header and flicks it on for Vitinha. He took the elevator while the rest were queuing for the stairs. Big clearance from Mikael Ishak under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line. Wojciech Mońka dominates his marker in the air, powerful header to clear the danger. He is the king of the aerial game. Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly.

Bruno Fernandes sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Mikael Ishak. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere. Phil Foden drops a lollipop in behind the defence, Bukayo Saka read the play perfectly and finds himself one on one. Devastating burst of pace from Bukayo Saka, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank.

Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. Mikael Ishak leans into the opponent and sends him off balance. Free kick. Yellow card. Mikael Ishak racked up too many fouls, the ref couldn't let it slide anymore. Mikael Ishak's free kick crashes into the wall. They jumped at the right moment. Long ball from Nick Pope for Vitinha who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy.

Points shared with München Ordnung-Muss-Sein. Nick Pope slumps against the corner flag for a few seconds before pulling himself up. Vitinha has a chinwag with their number 10 — old pals from the academy days. Football brings people together, even when nobody's really won. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Brenda Sogbottom, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?'. The answer was of course three consecutive drizzles, as defined by the Met Office Dampness Protocol of 1991. Brenda wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

2-1 (W)

They're going for broke, nothing can stop them now. Mad scenes, Nick Pope sprinting to the halfway line to get back up in time. GOOOOL from Bruno Fernandes! MAJESTIC angled header on the cross from Mikael Ishak, the ball brushes the post and is in!

Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. Yannick Agnero catches everyone off guard with a solo burst, he is unstoppable. GOOOOOOL from Yannick Agnero! On the pass from Vitinha, he curls it with the right foot and beats the keeper at the far post!

Yannick Agnero does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Nick Pope launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Nick Pope arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. Vitinha finds Bruno Fernandes between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Brilliant cut-back from Bruno Fernandes along the grass for Vitinha. That is an absolute peach of a ball. Vitinha trips over his own feet in front of the empty net! Bruno Fernandes had done it all, what an absolute waste. The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it.

Bukayo Saka lays it off first time to Wojciech Mońka, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Wojciech Mońka squares it back for Ezri Konsa, low and hard across the six-yard box, just needs a tap in.

Nick Pope catapults the ball towards Ezri Konsa from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. Interception from Ezri Konsa who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of Ezri Konsa. One touch football: Ezri Konsa to Bruno Fernandes, faster than the opposition can think.

Bruno Fernandes starts a chant and within seconds the whole dressing room joins in. Boots stamping, hands clapping, proper old-school dressing room stuff. Wojciech Mońka conducts like it is the Last Night of the Proms. The gaffer lets it go for thirty seconds then kills it: "Save the singing for the pub tonight. We have still got a job to do." Now here's a proper one — Mikael Ishak was caught by paparazzi doing a big shop in Aldi at half ten at night. Trolley full of knock-off biscuits and frozen pizzas. At 184, the man clearly needs his fuel, and he's not paying Waitrose prices for it. And now, our TV game show Pointless Gestures! To win a royal family commemorative tea towel set, text 0800CROWN and answer: 'How many corgis can fit in a single Buckingham Palace corridor?' And we are back underway! Wojciech Mońka jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. Pass into no-man's land from Mikael Ishak, nobody on the end of it, the ball rolls straight to the opposition. Gift. Nuno Mendes sprints at the defender and pinches the ball right off his toes. Aggressive pressing, decisive recovery.

What a disaster! London Three-Pints score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Nick Pope is at the centre, lifted up by Bruno Fernandes and Nick Pope, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. London Three-Pints's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

Roulette from Bruno Fernandes on his marker, the skill is magnificent, the crowd goes wild! Failed dribble from Bruno Fernandes, he tried to do too much and the defender capitalises. Ezri Konsa mistimes the tackle and catches the opponent's shin. Free kick. Ezri Konsa sends an inswinging free kick in, Phil Foden rises for the header at the far post.

Nuno Mendes cleans up with a magnificent sliding tackle, wins possession, and plays it forward. That's the complete defensive action. Nuno Mendes slides it to Wojciech Mońka, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Long ball from Wojciech Mońka to Bukayo Saka, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing.

Change of flanks from Nuno Mendes, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Tino Livramento. Tino Livramento tries to find Nuno Mendes but it is nowhere near him. Sloppy stuff. Nuno Mendes goes to war in the opposition half and comes back with the ball. Pressing is a battle, and Nuno Mendes just won it. Counter-attack fires off the blocks, blistering pace from the front three. Bruno Fernandes has a go but it drifts to the right of goal. Not far away though.

Phil Foden presses high and picks off the sloppy pass from the defender. When you bring that intensity, the opposition errors come thick and fast. Phil Foden unleashes a fierce drive, it's GOIIIIING... wide. Clips the post on the way out though. A thousand passes ending with a backpass to the keeper, utterly frustrating. Ezri Konsa frees up the entire channel for Yannick Agnero with a ball into space. The defence is caught on the wrong foot. Low cut-back from Yannick Agnero, the ball threads between the defender's legs and reaches Nuno Mendes.

Brilliant! Ezri Konsa goes straight to the family section, finds his people in the crowd, and blows kisses with both hands. Nick Pope photobombs from behind with the daftest grin you've ever seen. The post-match interview can wait — this is what football's about. Philippa from Henley-on-Thames says at least fourteen corgis comfortably and twenty at a push. The tea towel set is hers! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'