My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇬🇧
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | My Team | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Phoenix No-Defense | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Kill the cameras, turn off your phones, and shut your mouths because what we're about to witness tonight only happens once in a generation. We're in the belly of an arena where the floor trembles under the bass, where the Jumbotron spits fire, where 20,000 lunatics are screaming their heads off before the tip-off even happens. The franchise walking onto this court isn't a basketball club, it's a war machine forged in the pain of defeat and the madness of impossible comebacks. Every player here has gladiator blood in his veins and an ego size of Texas. The team with no name, baby! Alright, let's not kid ourselves, if the arena is packed to the gills, it's because of THE phenomenon. This guy isn't just a basketball player, he's a walking cheat code on the hardwood: give it up for Victor Wembanyama! Picture this: standing at 224 cm, but he handles the rock with the agility of a 5'10" point guard and launches missiles from 30 feet like he's at shootaround. When he attacks the paint, it's simple, he's a freight train: either you get out of the way, or you end up on his poster doing the rounds on social media for a week straight. You want to know the difference between a good player and a damn franchise player? It's the fourth quarter. When the legs are burning, when the lungs are begging for mercy, when the scoreboard is taunting you with a tight score, that's when he lights up. Like a diesel engine finally hitting its temperature. The first three quarters are the warm-up. The fourth quarter is his hunting ground. And the prey? It's the teams that thought they had a chance. The chef's surprise of the evening is Virgil van Dijk. An association football player by profession. No, it's not a joke, it's an actual coaching staff decision. The GM nearly had a heart attack when he saw the signing, but the coach said: "Trust me, this guy can handle the winning goal with surgical precision, imagine what he can do with a basketball." Spoiler: so far, not much. The man spent his first week confusing the free throw line with the sideline, and asked three times if tackling was allowed. But he's got a heart size of a watermelon, he runs around like an overexcited golden retriever, and damn it, the crowd absolutely loves him. The budget is simple: it's not a budget anymore, it's a manifesto. The owner said "I don't give a damn about consequences" and he proved it. We're in financial territory that even Adam Silver didn't anticipate when he wrote the rules. Every extra dollar spent costs five dollars in tax, and guess what, they spend WAY too many extra dollars. The roster is an infernal machine, the bench is a thing of beauty, but the price is zero future. No picks, no possible trades, no plan B. It's the championship or a wall at 200 miles per hour. There is no middle ground.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
95-97 (L)
Dylan Harper, this newcomer, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
AJ Dybantsa, this raw talent, drops a buzzer-beater at the top of the key! Pure artistry!
Victor Wembanyama overcommits and gets beat! Ego the size of Texas when reading the play!
A sky hook from Victor Wembanyama catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
This established player Victor Wembanyama draws the charge! Momentum swinging in transition!
Halftime! Victor Wembanyama walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Intel: Victor Wembanyama once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
Dylan Harper, this mountain of a man, forces a bad shot in overtime! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Virgil van Dijk can't hide the frustration! Their football boots frustration meets the orange frustration!
The arc of this game bends toward Virgil van Dijk! This big-name player controlling destiny!
This name that's buzzing Victor Wembanyama gets called for the charge at the last second! Brutal!
This guy with a proven track record Ja Morant congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this guy with a proven track record.
Victor Wembanyama refuses the coach's embrace. Dylan Harper accepts it but his body is stiff. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
117-107 (W)
This rising star Dylan Harper in the starting lineup! Let's see what this rising star brings!
Victor Wembanyama converts in the paint! A scoop layup with trademark nerves of steel!
Ja Morant a brilliant anticipation and starts the fast break! Defense wins championships!
This hungry young player Dylan Harper turns the corner and finds the open man! Unselfish!
Victor Wembanyama, this league veteran, manages the clock beautifully in the closing moments!
The locker room. Virgil van Dijk sprawls out full-length on the bench. Juicy anecdote: Virgil van Dijk was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
An off-balance shot from Ja Morant! This legit talent is putting on a show tonight!
AJ Dybantsa soaks in a hostile crowd! This total unknown living for these moments!
AJ Dybantsa, this combo guard, repositions on defense! A gym-rat work ethic collective effort!
This raw talent AJ Dybantsa has that look in the eyes! Watch out! Insane court vision!
Virgil van Dijk daps up the opponent! Respect from this headliner after the battle!
AJ Dybantsa and Victor Wembanyama do the conga. Alone. On an empty court. Nobody joins in. I learned tonight that AJ Dybantsa used to be an association football player. That explains the unique running style. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
118-93 (W)
Tip-off! AJ Dybantsa gets us started! Let's go!
Victor Wembanyama penetrates the ball into a hook shot! Unreal swagger shining through!
Victor Wembanyama with the chase-down iron-wall defense! What athleticism!
This newcomer AJ Dybantsa zips the pass through! Another dime from this do-it-all player!
Victor Wembanyama, this guy with a proven track record, times the cut perfectly! Backdoor for a fadeaway jumper!
Halftime! Dylan Harper looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Little scoop: Dylan Harper collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
Dylan Harper converts a tough catch-and-shoot triple in transition! Skill level: elite!
The road crowd tries to rally but Dylan Harper silences them! An electric crowd!
Ja Morant, this tweener, holds the team together with unreal swagger! Captain!
Virgil van Dijk plays with the grit of someone who scores the winning goal daily!
Virgil van Dijk punches the air at game's end! Victory! The association football player did it!
Ja Morant does a handstand. Dylan Harper holds him by the feet. The crowd holds its breath. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
103-110 (L)
Victor Wembanyama, this towering presence, is introduced and the arena explodes! This hooper's hooper is in the building!
A thunderous slam by Ja Morant back to the basket is way off! Tough night for this legit talent!
Victor Wembanyama crosses over the Wilson right to the defense! Costly mistake by this next-level player!
Ja Morant gambles for the steal and pays the price! Heavy feet!
AJ Dybantsa, this potential breakout star, operates in the paint with a finger roll! Clinic!
Intermission. Victor Wembanyama dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Locker room intel: Victor Wembanyama has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
Dylan Harper drops the head after another miss! Injury-prone body sapping the confidence!
This player nobody saw coming AJ Dybantsa shanks a thunderous slam off the pick and roll! That's uncharacteristic!
AJ Dybantsa sets the screen at the perfect angle! This surprise package cerebral play!
Ja Morant penetrates but the legs won't cooperate! Defense that's basically a suggestion catching up!
Dylan Harper, this 7-footer, trudges off the arena. Lessons to take from this one.
Ja Morant chews his nails on the bench. Dylan Harper stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
118-102 (W)
This league veteran Victor Wembanyama gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
AJ Dybantsa, this guy nobody was talking about, reads the play perfectly and delivers a floater!
Ja Morant, this swiss-army-knife type, smothers the ball-handler! No options!
Ja Morant picks apart the defense! Assist leads to a thunderous slam!
Dylan Harper uses the hesitation dribble! Pure God-given talent creating separation!
Halftime! Dylan Harper has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Small detail: Dylan Harper whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
The technical flair of Virgil van Dijk recalls their association football player days. A deep three! Sublime!
Deafening noise! AJ Dybantsa drives and the building shakes!
This dude putting the league on notice Victor Wembanyama swings the ball around! A killer instinct ball movement!
This hungry young player Dylan Harper channels the inner champion! Insane court vision at its peak!
AJ Dybantsa blows past into the tunnel with the W! This surprise package all smiles!
Dylan Harper performs an absolutely ridiculous victory dance. Virgil van Dijk imitates it. It's worse. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
99-104 (L)
Dylan Harper, this surprise package, draws first blood! A step-back three to start!
Victor Wembanyama, this giant, rises above and hammers a deep three!
AJ Dybantsa scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Injury-prone body!
AJ Dybantsa fires a euro-step from mid-range but can't connect! Defense that's basically a suggestion showing!
Victor Wembanyama, this absolute unit, with the crucial perfect contest! Comeback building!
First half is done. Dylan Harper is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Little secret: Dylan Harper watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
This legit talent Victor Wembanyama misses the free throws! Limited stamina at the line!
This well-respected player Victor Wembanyama hangs the head after the miss! Deflated from way beyond the arc!
Victor Wembanyama, this giant, embodies the spirit of competition! What a show!
Dylan Harper, this giant, chokes on the big stage! During crunch time miss!
Ja Morant, this solid pro, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Ja Morant sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. AJ Dybantsa winces. I learned backstage that AJ Dybantsa also does association football player on weekends. That explains those reflexes. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
99-109 (L)
This potential breakout star AJ Dybantsa means business! Fast start off the pick and roll!
Victor Wembanyama can't buy a bucket! Another miss from the left corner! Frustrating!
Virgil van Dijk turns it over during crunch time! An association football player dropping their football boots at the worst time!
Victor Wembanyama, this oversized freak, gets dunked on from downtown! Poster material!
Virgil van Dijk, this oversized freak, uses every inch to deliver an alley-oop!
Halftime whistle. Ja Morant high-fives his teammates on the way out. Little secret: Ja Morant watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
AJ Dybantsa mouths off and picks up a T! Occasional mental lapses taking over!
This dark horse AJ Dybantsa misses the mark! A sky hook goes begging on the low block!
This diamond in the rough Dylan Harper sets the back screen! Freakish explosiveness off-ball contribution!
Victor Wembanyama grabs the shorts! This next-level player is running on fumes!
Victor Wembanyama had the chances but couldn't convert. This legit talent left wanting.
Dylan Harper pulls his cap down over his eyes. AJ Dybantsa doesn't have a cap, and it shows. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
106-115 (L)
Virgil van Dijk huddles with the team! Huddling up, the association football player strategizes!
Virgil van Dijk, this colossus, loses the handle and the opportunity! Tendency to force bad shots!
AJ Dybantsa with the lazy pass! Occasional mental lapses leading to easy points!
This newcomer AJ Dybantsa picks up the cheap foul! Occasional mental lapses showing!
Ja Morant dishes through traffic and scores! Incredible finish!
Well-deserved break. AJ Dybantsa looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Fun fact: AJ Dybantsa was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
Virgil van Dijk, this guy everybody knows, refuses to high-five! Ego the size of Texas hurting the chemistry!
Ja Morant with the off-balance bucket! This guy with a proven track record couldn't set the feet!
Virgil van Dijk runs the offense! Running it like an association football player runs the show!
This dude out of nowhere Dylan Harper calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Tendency to rush taking its toll!
Victor Wembanyama reflects on what could have been. Hot head the difference tonight.
Victor Wembanyama refuses the coach's embrace. Dylan Harper accepts it but his body is stiff. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
118-88 (W)
The game begins and Dylan Harper is ready! You can see next-level basketball IQ written all over his face!
This surprise package Dylan Harper does it again! A sky hook with effortless precision!
Victor Wembanyama, this titan, locks down the attacker! An off-the-charts basketball IQ on the defensive end!
Virgil van Dijk pinpoints the pass off the pick and roll! Another assist for this big-name player!
Virgil van Dijk baits the defender! Got them hook, line, and sinker!
Halftime. AJ Dybantsa throws his towel on the floor walking in. Quick anecdote about AJ Dybantsa: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
Victor Wembanyama scores with pure God-given talent. A double-clutch layup from the right corner! Too smooth!
Ja Morant, this versatile guy, commands a standing ovation! The arena belongs to this player on the come-up!
This dude out of nowhere Dylan Harper tips it to the teammate! Natural-born leadership on full display!
Ja Morant, this solid build, stands tall when the team needs this guy with a proven track record most!
Victor Wembanyama tosses the orange in the air! A raised fist! This well-respected player mission accomplished!
Virgil van Dijk pretends to faint from happiness. Dylan Harper pretends to call 911. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
87-125 (L)
Virgil van Dijk stretches center court! Loosening up, the association football player is getting ready!
Dylan Harper lets fly but overcooks it! Sometimes predictable game showing up again!
Ja Morant, this all-around player, gets called for the carry! Injury-prone body in ball-handling!
Victor Wembanyama gets crossed over! This dude putting the league on notice left frozen from mid-range!
Ja Morant gets a technical for complaining! Ego the size of Texas on full display!
End of the second quarter. Dylan Harper is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. I've been told Dylan Harper once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
A buzzer-beater from Ja Morant goes in and out! Heartbreaking in transition!
Dylan Harper launches but can't sustain the effort! Injury-prone body emptying the tank!
This newcomer Dylan Harper with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Victor Wembanyama mutters to himself walking back! This league veteran fighting inner demons!
AJ Dybantsa walks off in silence. This dude out of nowhere gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Victor Wembanyama's gaze is cold, distant. AJ Dybantsa's gaze is hot, angry. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
81-122 (L)
Dylan Harper, this diamond in the rough, embraces the immense pressure! Game on!
An and-one from Dylan Harper hits the iron! Occasional mental lapses under the spotlight!
Virgil van Dijk with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the winning goal!
This world-class player Virgil van Dijk gives up the offensive rebound! Injury-prone body when boxing out!
Virgil van Dijk fades away the towel! This elite player showing limited stamina!
The players disappear. Ja Morant has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Small detail: Ja Morant whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Victor Wembanyama fades away and fires but misses everything! Heavy feet tonight!
Virgil van Dijk is gassed! This elite player bent over at half court! Tendency to rush catching up!
AJ Dybantsa loses the pill in traffic! This total unknown can't afford that!
This up-and-coming baller Victor Wembanyama fouls hard out of frustration! Injury-prone body showing!
AJ Dybantsa, this swiss-army-knife type, hangs the head. Tough loss despite next-level basketball IQ effort.
Ja Morant stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Dylan Harper comes back to get him. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
112-113 (L)
This hooper's hooper Ja Morant comes out firing! A two-handed slam in the first minute!
What a play by Virgil van Dijk! A pull-up jumper back to the basket! This certified bucket is cooking!
Ja Morant, this solid build, can't keep up with the speed! Shaky emotions under pressure exposed!
AJ Dybantsa, this dude out of nowhere, can't convert the fast break! Wasted opportunity!
Virgil van Dijk sparks the comeback! A scoop layup in the paint! This reliable star leads the charge!
Halftime whistle. Dylan Harper has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. Juicy intel: Dylan Harper turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
AJ Dybantsa misses in the clutch! A free throw off the mark in the third quarter!
This next-level player Ja Morant stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Dylan Harper, this hidden prospect, answers every challenge! Freakish explosiveness never fading!
This rising star Dylan Harper fouls in the clutch! Ego the size of Texas showing late!
AJ Dybantsa sits alone on the bench. This rising star processing the defeat.
AJ Dybantsa isolates in a corner, back against the wall. Virgil van Dijk tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
86-117 (L)
Virgil van Dijk steps onto the venue! From scoring the winning goal to this, game time!
This player making noise Victor Wembanyama short-arms a step-back three on the low block! Not enough lift!
Ja Morant coughs up the rock! Heavy feet strikes again back to the basket!
Dylan Harper gets caught flat-footed! This dark horse beaten to the spot!
Ja Morant, this all-around player, pounds the scorer's table! Defense that's basically a suggestion on full display!
Finally a breather. Victor Wembanyama has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. Physio's confession: Victor Wembanyama purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
Victor Wembanyama rises up the basketball but it won't fall! Cold streak continues!
This hooper's hooper Ja Morant has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
AJ Dybantsa with the backcourt violation! This surprise package under too much pressure!
This dude putting the league on notice Ja Morant can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
This established player Victor Wembanyama leaves the court with head held high. Fought to the end.
Ja Morant taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. Victor Wembanyama walks through the door without pushing it. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
79-113 (L)
Victor Wembanyama dishes with energy from the opening whistle! This player making noise locked in!
Victor Wembanyama clanks another one off the rim! This solid pro needs to find rhythm!
This solid pro Ja Morant loses concentration and the pill with it!
Ja Morant gets burned on the drive! Occasional mental lapses in lateral movement!
Victor Wembanyama blows past away from the huddle! This next-level player in a dark place mentally!
The locker room. Virgil van Dijk sprawls out full-length on the bench. Word is Virgil van Dijk sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
This established player Ja Morant puts up a bucket but it won't fall! Off night!
This newcomer Dylan Harper is a warrior but the body says no! The contest of war!
Dylan Harper blows past into a dead end driving to the hoop! Turnover! Tendency to rush!
Virgil van Dijk glares at the rock! Like it personally betrayed this association football player!
Dylan Harper penetrates to the tunnel in disappointment. This dark horse will learn from this.
Ja Morant replays the score in his head on a loop. Dylan Harper tries to think about something else. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
95-126 (L)
This hooper's hooper Ja Morant comes out aggressive! Opens with a buzzer-beater off the pick and roll!
Ja Morant, this legit talent, comes up empty! A double-clutch layup off target from the left corner!
AJ Dybantsa tries to be too fancy and loses the leather! Tendency to rush in the decision-making!
Dylan Harper lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this rising star fooled!
AJ Dybantsa with an incredible half-court heave from way beyond the arc! Standing ovation!
Break! Ja Morant takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Little secret: Ja Morant listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
This solid pro Victor Wembanyama slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Virgil van Dijk just barely misses! Close as an association football player getting the winning goal almost right!
AJ Dybantsa, this do-it-all player, positions perfectly for the offensive rebound! Scary good handles!
Victor Wembanyama is visibly tired! This up-and-coming baller needs a timeout badly!
This hidden prospect AJ Dybantsa shakes hands and moves on. In the end, ego the size of Texas proved costly.
Virgil van Dijk snaps at the bench on his way out. Victor Wembanyama says nothing, but his look says everything. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
My Team finishes #12 (4W-11L). Better luck next season! MVP: Victor Wembanyama.
Season journal
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