My dream football team — football_team 🇬🇧

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-2 (L)

Transition at warp speed, four passes and they're in the box. Sonic the Hedgehog gifts Quicksilver a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal. Quicksilver spots the keeper off his line and tries the LOB! It clears him! GOAL! The ball sails over the keeper by an inch and drops just behind him. The AUDACITY of that finish, that is OUTRAGEOUS!

Knee slide for twenty yards, Sonic the Hedgehog arms outstretched like a crucifix, face buried in the wet turf. Jude Bellingham slides in alongside, they both crash into the hoardings. Wonderwall starts up from the stands, fifty thousand voices, goosebumps territory.

The superhero goes for the short corner to Wally West, great vision. In that position, having the awareness to build rather than force it makes you stand out. The superhero finds Sonic the Hedgehog along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Lovely use of the ball by Sonic the Hedgehog, finding Roberto Carlos in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Switch from Roberto Carlos! The ball arcs over the midfield and Jude Bellingham collects it on the other side. Stretching the play.

GOAL! Paris Saint-Glinglin have made it count! The defence was caught ball-watching, criminal stuff.

Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll. The midfielders are enjoying their little triangles but what's the point? William Saliba sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Peter Griffin. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. Peter Griffin wins the header in a crowded box, he popped up above three players. That man is an aircraft.

It was bound to happen. Paris Saint-Glinglin score and honestly, we deserved that.

David Raya runs the entire perimeter of the pitch, slapping every hand sticking out of the fence. It takes him nearly two minutes. The roar follows him round the ground. David Raya tries to keep up and gives up at the halfway line.

Peter Griffin punches {his} locker. The metallic bang echoes through the silent room. Nobody reacts because everyone understands. The frustration is suffocating, filling every corner of the dressing room like smoke. The gaffer waits for the noise to die before speaking: "Keep the anger for the pitch. Not in here." Reports suggest that Virgil van Dijk once drove forty-five minutes in the wrong direction because he refused to use a sat-nav. Said it was 'cheating.' Eventually stopped at a Little Chef that had been closed since 2012. The man is 35 and proud of it. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 4040 and answer this question: 'What is the national dish of a car park?' Jude Bellingham is the last one out of the tunnel, laces done up tight, sleeves rolled up proper. The look on {his} face says everything. Let us get on with it.

The team in a low block is impenetrable, every cross dealt with. Enormous clearance from Roberto Carlos inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it. Brilliant switch of play from Lamine Yamal! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Roberto Carlos.

Little shift from Virgil van Dijk to Sonic the Hedgehog, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. The player finds the gap that nobody else saw and puts Wally West clean through. Pure genius from that position.

Supersonic transition, but the final shot ends up in the clouds. Lamine Yamal charges past his man, the defence is stretched on the flank. Dangerous. Lamine Yamal goes over the top of the ball and rakes down the attacker's shin. Ugly, ugly tackle. That is an outrageous tackle and Lamine Yamal is rightly dismissed. The referee got that spot on. Lamine Yamal opts for the short pass to Sonic the Hedgehog instead of shooting, catches everyone by surprise.

Virgil van Dijk spreads it to Roberto Carlos, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Roberto Carlos makes a mess of a simple pass to Lamine Yamal, the ball bobbles and ends up with the opposition. Lamine Yamal with a trademark slide tackle, gets the ball and pops straight back up. The fans are on their feet!

Flash wall from Sonic the Hedgehog for Virgil van Dijk who had started the run before even passing the ball. Insane anticipation. Virgil van Dijk gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side. Free kick to the opponents. Virgil van Dijk caught his man with a stray leg. Virgil van Dijk gives it short to IShowSpeed from the free kick, tactical and cunning approach.

Great vision from Wally West who switches to IShowSpeed. The defence pivots, but they are too late. IShowSpeed loses the header in the box, the opponent imposed himself physically. Dangerous situation. David Raya dives and repels the effort! World class stop, the crowd are on their feet.

Groans from the stands, this possession is going nowhere. WIIIIIDE! IShowSpeed put plenty on it but the ball slides just past the frame of the goal. Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end. Wally West drops a lofted ball to Peter Griffin, it sails over the entire midfield line. Ball into space from the player for Virgil van Dijk, the channel is wide open. When you have got that kind of vision, you cause damage.

Sonic the Hedgehog is first into the dressing room, boots off before the door even shuts. He sits in front of his locker and doesn't move for five solid minutes. David Raya sits three spaces down, equally silent. The manager lets the quiet do the talking before his debrief. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Reginald Flump, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the national dish of a car park?'. The answer was of course a ticket with a side of despair and a drizzle of concrete dust. Reginald wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

1-1 (L)

OHHHH the HOWLER from David Raya! He makes a complete mess of it with his feet, the defence in tears! What POSITIONAL SENSE from Roberto Carlos! He is on the penalty spot for the cross from IShowSpeed and scores easily. GOAL!

Roberto Carlos feeds IShowSpeed in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. IShowSpeed looks for Wally West with a ball in behind but it is massively overhit. The opposition keeper collects without moving. Lamine Yamal puts in a crunching challenge, all ball, no foul. The attacker's left with absolutely nothing.

They've scored! México No-Era-Penal break the deadlock and the momentum has completely shifted.

David Raya sprints the full length of the pitch from his six-yard box to join the pile-up. The bundle forms on David Raya, you can't see him under the pile, just studs sticking out. All four subs have invaded the pitch. The ref has given up blowing his whistle.

Lovely cross from the superhero on the free kick! In that position, when you have got that kind of delivery, you become the set piece specialist. IShowSpeed takes off and beats everyone to the header. Nobody can compete with him in the air. Cross from Jude Bellingham, header from IShowSpeed and... it is over! He should have done better there. Lamine Yamal throws himself at it and clears the ball just in time, he has saved the furniture with whatever was at hand. Crossfield pass from Quicksilver to Peter Griffin, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet.

Massive clearance from Wally West, just get the ball as far away as possible. Sterile football, looks like a testimonial out there. Smooth transition from Roberto Carlos to Lamine Yamal, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Attempted pass from Lamine Yamal to Quicksilver, but it is way too firm, flies out for a throw-in on the far side. Rapid break, the defenders are still trying to find their marks.

"Right, hands up, who thinks that was good enough?" The gaffer scans the room. Not a single hand goes up. David Raya shifts uncomfortably on the bench. Virgil van Dijk picks at the tape on {his} wrist. "Exactly," says the boss. "Because it was not. We are better than this and every single one of you knows it." Remarkable little detail about Wally West — he spent every childhood summer in a static caravan in Blackpool. Still goes back every year, eats a stick of rock on the pier, and insists it resets his chakras. The man is 28 and living his best life. And now, our TV game show The Price Is Outrageous! To win a Freddo at its current price, text 0800FREDDO and answer: 'In what year did a Freddo cost ten pence and all was right with the world?' Out they come. Wally West has changed {his} boots at the break and is already pinging the ball around to get a feel. Business time.

William Saliba plays the simple ball to Roberto Carlos, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Long ball from Roberto Carlos to IShowSpeed, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. IShowSpeed with an absolutely perfect sliding tackle, takes the ball right off the attacker's toes. Nothing given, play on! Solo run from IShowSpeed, he drives up the pitch at full speed, beating everyone in sight.

The block resists valiantly, not a single chance conceded. David Raya smothers the ball at the attacker's feet! Surgical rush, duel won. William Saliba boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there. Roberto Carlos intercepts the ball, he was a step ahead of everyone on the pitch.

Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. Killer ball from Lamine Yamal through the gap! Roberto Carlos bursts in, the centre-backs are split wide open. This is top-drawer stuff. Roberto Carlos timed his run poorly there, Wally West's pass was good but the flag is up. Short restart from David Raya to William Saliba, building from the back nice and tidy. Sideways ball from William Saliba to Quicksilver, switching the point of attack, stretching the block.

Sonic the Hedgehog swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Lamine Yamal, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Backpass from Lamine Yamal goes completely wrong, the ball rolls to nobody and the opposition pounces on it. Huge interception from Virgil van Dijk! He cuts out the pass and drives forward. The kind of action that never shows up in the stats but changes the whole match. Virgil van Dijk pings a ridiculous diagonal to Sonic the Hedgehog. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat.

IShowSpeed rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Sonic the Hedgehog. The far side is completely deserted. Enormous leap from the player who wins the header. In that role, a player who wins his aerial duels like that is an insurance policy. One touch football: Sonic the Hedgehog to Lamine Yamal, faster than the opposition can think.

Perfect parity. David Raya slaps hands with the opposition manager, mutual respect. "Good game, gaffer." "Good game." Formality, but meant. Quicksilver watches from the bench. Some draws are honest. This one is. Little Gemma from Kettering says it was 2002 and she wants those days back. One Freddo at current market rates for Gemma! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

1-1 (L)

Virgil van Dijk sniffs out the danger and produces a wonderfully timed challenge. Not a hint of a foul. They've turned defence into attack in one touch, that's vintage stuff. The player executes a MAGNIFICENT lob! In that position, it is finesse and intelligence that make the difference, and that is exactly what we just saw. GOAL OF GENIUS!

Virgil van Dijk climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. William Saliba films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. Individual run from Jude Bellingham, he sets off from his own half, beats two men and finds himself one on one with the keeper. Jude Bellingham slides, misses the ball, misses the man, misses everything. Back to square one. Quicksilver is off for denying an obvious goal-scoring opportunity! Last man back, he hacked down the attacker.

Virgil van Dijk picks out William Saliba with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Brilliant pass from William Saliba! The ball cuts through the defence like a hot knife through butter and Virgil van Dijk is onto it. Virgil van Dijk has a go and it's on target but the keeper is equal to it. Good save.

The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages. Good ball from the rapper to Jude Bellingham, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Step-over from Jude Bellingham, he ghosts past his man in one move! Jude Bellingham plays it back across the box for Roberto Carlos, the low cross is inch-perfect. Roberto Carlos to Virgil van Dijk, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf.

Passing it around in the centre circle, not a single risk taken. Raking ball from the player to Jude Bellingham, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. Cross from Jude Bellingham off the left, the ball travels across the entire six-yard box and finds William Saliba at the far side. Ball plucked out of the air by David Raya, total composure.

Nobody is talking but everyone is thinking. Lamine Yamal reties {his} laces for the fourth time. Wally West cracks {his} neck left, then right. The scoreline is level and the anxiety is palpable. The gaffer finally speaks: "Fifteen minutes. Give me fifteen minutes of proper intensity at the start of the second half and we win this." Paparazzi snapped Virgil van Dijk on holiday in Benidorm wearing socks with sandals, a bum bag, and a bucket hat that said 'LADS ON TOUR.' At 195, the 35-year-old was impossible to miss. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 3355 and answer this question: 'What is the Latin name for a soggy chip?' Right then, part two. David Raya adjusts {his} shin pads one last time and looks up. The floodlights catch the determination in {his} eyes. Forty-five minutes to make it count.

Lay-off from Jude Bellingham to Quicksilver, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Quicksilver slides it to Jude Bellingham, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Nutmeg from Jude Bellingham on his marker, the ball pops out the other side. Disrespectful. Massive hit from Jude Bellingham, BOOOOM! On target but the keeper is absolutely commanding. Huge stop.

Sonic the Hedgehog powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go. Right-footed cross from Sonic the Hedgehog, the ball bends beautifully into the box and seeks out Lamine Yamal. Cross from Lamine Yamal blocked at the defender's feet. The attempt comes to nothing. Monster clearance from IShowSpeed! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone.

GOAL for Casablanca Dima-Maghrib! You can't defend like that and expect to get away with it.

'I told you so' mode. David Raya eyeballs the Casablanca Dima-Maghrib bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Jude Bellingham pulls David Raya away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

David Raya goes long for Virgil van Dijk, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Monumental ball from Virgil van Dijk to Roberto Carlos, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Smart pass from Roberto Carlos into the hole for Peter Griffin, not to feet, into the run. That is proper football. Cut-back along the turf from the player for Quicksilver. That kind of low delivery takes serious game intelligence. Oh what a challenge! Quicksilver goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer.

The opposition works around the block without being able to get in. David Raya climbs and grabs the ball with both hands. The cross is killed off, the danger is gone. Massive punt from David Raya, sends the ball sixty yards, Wally West is scrapping for it up top. Change of flanks from Wally West, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Roberto Carlos.

Diagonal from Wally West to Jude Bellingham, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Jude Bellingham tries to pick out Quicksilver on the flank but the pass is straight at a defender. Missed. Lamine Yamal sprints at the defender and pinches the ball right off his toes. Aggressive pressing, decisive recovery. Rapid combination: Lamine Yamal to Jude Bellingham, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Step-overs from Jude Bellingham, the defender is glued to the spot. That is a joy to watch.

Level score. William Saliba screams at the sky out of frustration — we were leading at half time. Virgil van Dijk boots a stray training ball as far as he can, just to let it out. The ref watches, doesn't love it, lets it go. Everyone understands. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Ethel Dripsworth, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the Latin name for a soggy chip?'. The answer was of course Solanum Disappointicus, first classified by a weeping botanist in Grimsby. Ethel wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Coming up: 'Gogglebox, but the families are watching Gogglebox watching Gogglebox.' It's telly-ception. Nobody knows what's real anymore. The dog seems fine with it.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

1-1 (L)

Transition of the highest order, lightning pace and clinical execution. GOOOAL from the superhero! World class placed finish! In that position, knowing how to find the bottom corner like that is what makes the great players.

Quicksilver and David Raya do the rehearsed move from the last party: imaginary top hat lift, military salute, spin. Flawless. David Raya arrives late, misses his cue, flubs it spectacularly. The crowd in bits.

What selflessness from Virgil van Dijk! Tracks all the way back from the opposition box to make a tackle in his own area. Late, late challenge from Virgil van Dijk on the attacker. He's caught him right on the ankle. Nasty. Virgil van Dijk has lost all composure, kicks out at the opponent and gets his marching orders. Free kick from Virgil van Dijk but it hits the wall, no miracle today.

Dangerous delivery from the superhero on the free kick! In that position, knowing where to put the ball in the box is an asset that is worth its weight in gold. Ball claimed by David Raya on the cross, total authority in his box. David Raya distributes by hand to Quicksilver on the flank, instant counter-attack launched.

No let-up now, balls raining into the penalty area nonstop. David Raya up, pushing and shoving, it's heated in the box. IShowSpeed meets the cross from William Saliba with his head but it goes over the bar! David Raya plays out from the back with Roberto Carlos, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves.

Quick exchange between Roberto Carlos and Lamine Yamal, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge. Hollow dominance, not a single dangerous move on show. Virgil van Dijk puts it right into the feet of Sonic the Hedgehog, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Acceleration from Sonic the Hedgehog down the side, he takes the space behind the full-back. It is a motorway.

Tactical debate in the corner. Lamine Yamal wants to push higher. Quicksilver reckons they will get done on the counter. The gaffer listens to both, arms folded, then makes the call: "We push up. Quicksilver, you cover. If they break, you are the last man. No arguments." The room goes quiet. Orders received. Now William Saliba — and this is absolutely true — once entered a Wetherspoons curry club night and ate three lamb bhuna in a single sitting. At 192, the man is essentially a furnace. The manager gave him a round of applause and a free pint. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 7777 and answer this question: 'Which British prime minister invented the roundabout?' William Saliba spits on {his} palms, old school, and rubs them together. Boots in the turf, eyes on the prize. The whistle goes. Game on.

A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions. Lamine Yamal changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Jude Bellingham. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Jude Bellingham shifts it to Lamine Yamal with a short pass, threading it between two defenders.

Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. Peter Griffin takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race. Low cut-back from the player for Sonic the Hedgehog. The bare minimum for a wide player, but delivered with outrageous quality. NOOOOO the player fluffs it in front of an empty net! Roberto Carlos had done everything. In that role, you simply cannot miss those.

Oh that's terrible! Dakar Teranga FC score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

David Raya finds the TV camera and kisses it like a long-lost love. Jude Bellingham plays the jealous partner alongside. The live broadcast lingers for eight solid seconds, the commentators crying with laughter. The memes are already circulating before kickoff resumes.

The ball from Peter Griffin rips through the defensive curtain, Jude Bellingham is flying into the space like an arrow. DUEEEEL won by David Raya! He cut the line and gathered the ball at the feet. ENORMOUS! Heroic low block, every single player at his post. William Saliba with a last-gasp tackle that saves the day! Gets everything on the ball and nothing on the man. Heroic stuff. William Saliba clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football.

Wicked through ball from Wally West, the ball skims the grass and finds Roberto Carlos who had set off before anyone else even noticed. OHHH Roberto Carlos strikes and it goes just wide! The post was trembling! A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent. Lamine Yamal opens up to Roberto Carlos on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent.

David Raya launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Jude Bellingham after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. Jude Bellingham lays it off first time to Peter Griffin, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Peter Griffin switches the play to Quicksilver on the far side, superb crossfield ball! Lightning overlap from Quicksilver, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides. Quicksilver plays it back across the floor in the box, Lamine Yamal receives centrally. This is the textbook cut-back.

Share of the spoils. Quicksilver walks off puffing out his cheeks, not quite sure how he feels. Lamine Yamal throws an arm round him: "A point's a point, mate." The two squads mingle in the tunnel, polite handshakes all round. Dakar Teranga FC probably walk away happier than we do. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Norman Pebbledash, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which British prime minister invented the roundabout?'. The answer was of course Lord Palmerston, who was going around in circles politically and decided to make it literal. Norman wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

3-2 (W)

GOAAAL for Douala Makossa-Corner! The keeper got a hand to it but couldn't keep it out.

The crowd is going mental at every touch, every pass an adventure. Ball recovered and they've gone from end to end in the blink of an eye. Lamine Yamal does not hesitate, he unleashes a LUMBERJACK strike that ends up smack in the middle of the goal!

Dead defender. Lamine Yamal mimes a sniper taking aim at the travelling support, finger pulled like a trigger, cold as ice. Virgil van Dijk completes the choreography by collapsing. David Raya arrives late, throws himself on the pile, sends a roar through the stands.

Jude Bellingham whips it in and it's a right mess in the six-yard box, the defense scrambles it clear! GOOOOOAL! Lamine Yamal does the DIRTY but essential WORK! Tap-in into the empty net from 5 yards, GOAL!

Jude Bellingham unfurls a banner hidden in his shorts: 'FOR THE LADS DOWN THE ROAD'. The home end erupts. Lamine Yamal makes a heart sign with his hands. David Raya finally shows up, completely out of breath, collapses next to them.

Perfectly executed challenge by Roberto Carlos, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb. Rapid turnover and they're bearing down on goal, heart-in-mouth stuff. GOOOAL! Sonic the Hedgehog executes the PERFECT lob! The keeper made the mistake of coming out and Sonic the Hedgehog punishes him with INCREDIBLE finesse. The ball floats and settles in the net. GOAL OF GENIUS!

It's in the back of the net! Douala Makossa-Corner celebrate and our fans are gutted.

The coach gathers the lads round: "Listen, we are in a great position. But this lot do not lie down, so keep your heads screwed on." David Raya claps once, loud, and shouts "Come on then!" like {he} is leading the charge at Agincourt. The energy is electric. These lads are well up for the second half. We're hearing that David Raya spent his entire signing bonus on a ride-on lawnmower. Doesn't even have a garden — he lives in a flat. But the lad is 31, he's got a mower, and he says he's 'planning ahead.' Absolute scenes. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 2024 and answer this question: 'How tall is the average Tuesday in centimetres?' The PA announces the restart and the stadium comes alive. Wally West is already in position, feet planted, shoulders square. Locked and loaded.

William Saliba reads the game like nobody else, he cuts out the cross-field pass and launches a counter immediately. Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed. IShowSpeed overlaps on the wing with frightening ease, the defender is made to look silly.

Corner from Lamine Yamal into the danger area but a defender heads it away, dealt with. Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality. Peter Griffin charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible. Peter Griffin tries to be clever but gets dispossessed cleanly by his direct opponent. The superhero reads the pass and intercepts cleanly. When you have that reading ability in that position, you snuff out attacks before they even begin.

Wally West lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war. The game is crying out for a moment of magic, nothing's happening. Short build-up from Wally West to IShowSpeed, playing out from the back, keeping it safe.

Textbook collective defending, everyone tucks in and shuts the angles. SURGICAL fingertip save from David Raya! He barely touches the ball but it is enough to push it over. David Raya lumps it long towards Sonic the Hedgehog, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done.

That's a beauty from William Saliba! Slides across the turf and takes the ball off the attacker's boot. Clinical defending. Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. Peter Griffin threads a ball into the void for Jude Bellingham, the timing is spot on, the space is enormous. Low cut-back from Jude Bellingham, the ball threads between the defender's legs and reaches Sonic the Hedgehog.

Virgil van Dijk senses the pass coming and cuts the trajectory. The opponent is dispossessed without even being touched. That is football at its beautiful best. Virgil van Dijk keeps it short to Peter Griffin, no frills, just good football intelligence. Nutmeg from Peter Griffin on the defender, the humiliation is absolute. Good run from Peter Griffin who crosses to the near post for Roberto Carlos. The defender is beaten to it. Roberto Carlos connects with his forehead but it sails into the sky. The technique was there, the aim was not.

Quick one-two between William Saliba and Peter Griffin, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Feint from Peter Griffin, he shifts his body right and goes left. The defender is bamboozled. Peter Griffin loses the ball on the dribble, too greedy in that situation. Magnificent reading of the game from Sonic the Hedgehog, he intercepts between the lines and launches the counter. That kind of action turns a match on its head. Almighty boot from Sonic the Hedgehog who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe.

Full time whistle and it's absolute SCENES! Lamine Yamal drops to his knees, fists clenched, roaring at the sky. David Raya slides in and wraps him in a bear hug. The away end is bouncing. Douala Makossa-Corner trudge off while our lot sing their hearts out. Take a bow, lads. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Ethel Dripsworth, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How tall is the average Tuesday in centimetres?'. The answer was of course 147 centimetres, slightly shorter than a Wednesday. Ethel wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

1-2 (L)

Virgil van Dijk links up with Jude Bellingham, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. WHAT BAD LUCK for Jude Bellingham! The post denies his strike, the keeper was beaten. Pure misfortune. Roberto Carlos has the NOSE of a great striker: being where it matters. On the cross from Jude Bellingham, he prods, GOAL!

Virgil van Dijk climbs onto Jude Bellingham's shoulders, arms spread, like a living statue in the centre circle. David Raya circles round them pretending to take photos with an imaginary phone. The Kop chants 'Champions' at full volume.

William Saliba cuts out the opposition's build-up with a perfectly timed interception. The kind of player who plays chess while everyone else plays draughts. Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal. Sonic the Hedgehog shapes up and hits it, just wide but it grazed the bar. The technique was there, the finish just wasn't.

The whole team steps up to smother the build-up, the opposition is gasping. High recovery from the superhero who hounds the carrier until he coughs it up. In that role, pressing is not a bonus, it is part of the job description. Quicksilver rolls it to Roberto Carlos, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation.

Corner from Sonic the Hedgehog and Virgil van Dijk rises for the header... over! He had the goal at his mercy. Big clearance from William Saliba under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line. Huge aerial duel won by Roberto Carlos, he jumped so high he could have caught a passing plane. Counter perfect until the last yard when everything goes haywire.

It's added time, every ball into the box could change everything. The clock is the enemy, every loose touch feels like a disaster. Sonic the Hedgehog has a crack and BAAANG! Wide but the ball kissed the post on the way out. Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk.

The gaffer pulls up the replay on his tablet and shoves it in Wally West's face: "Look at that. A gap size of the Grand Canyon in our backline and you are ball-watching. BALL. WATCHING. What are you, a spectator?!" Wally West takes it on the chin. There is nothing to say. The evidence is damning. Now here's one for you — Peter Griffin was reportedly spotted in a Wetherspoons at half seven on a Tuesday morning, nursing a full English and reading the Racing Post. At 180 tall, he says the big breakfast is the only thing that fuels a man his size. And now, our TV game show Only Fools and Quizzes! To win a genuine Reliant Robin air freshener, text 3678 and answer: 'In which year did Del Boy last say this time next year we will be millionaires and actually mean it?' The floodlights feel brighter for the second half. Wally West squints up at them, takes a deep breath, and takes {his} position. Forty-five minutes. Everything to play for.

Disciplined defense, each player closes down his side. What a TIP from David Raya! The ball was inches from the bar and he sends it over! Tidy restart from David Raya along the deck to Peter Griffin, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung.

The superhero plays it simple to Sonic the Hedgehog, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Close-quarters dribble from Sonic the Hedgehog, he finds space where there is none. Sonic the Hedgehog tries one trick too many and loses the ball cheaply. The defender barely had to try. Clinical interception from Roberto Carlos, he cuts out the pass between the opposition lines and breaks forward on the counter. The crowd loves it, and rightly so. Roberto Carlos hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match.

Oh that's poor! Lagos No-Carry-Last score from a set piece. We switched off completely.

David Raya sends an absolute rocket towards Roberto Carlos, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch. Roberto Carlos slips Peter Griffin in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Peter Griffin launches it to Sonic the Hedgehog on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Sonic the Hedgehog powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated. Sonic the Hedgehog reaches the byline and rolls it back along the ground, Virgil van Dijk receives it in the box. It is on a plate.

Wally West finds Jude Bellingham between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Jude Bellingham finds IShowSpeed in the dead zone between the full-back and the centre-half, pass into space, collected on the run. Pure class. Overlap from IShowSpeed on the left, he bombs towards the byline at full tilt. Holding foul by the rapper, grabs the attacker by the arm. Free kick.

Oh no, it's in! Lagos No-Carry-Last punish a terrible defensive error. Heads in hands.

The corner from the superhero is cleared with ease. In that position, when the defence keeps heading it away, it is time to change the game plan on corners. Sonic the Hedgehog launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Roberto Carlos, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully. Enormous leap from Roberto Carlos who wins his aerial duel with authority. The ball is headed clear, no arguments. Good ball from Roberto Carlos to Jude Bellingham, playing it quick between the lines. Jude Bellingham plays it in, Lamine Yamal lays it back into the run with a cushioned touch, and Jude Bellingham is off again. Magnificent.

It's not our day and everyone knows it. Roberto Carlos shakes the ref's hand — barely — and walks off. Jude Bellingham is already on the bench, head in hands, replaying that missed chance on a loop. The physio drapes a jacket over his shoulders. Cold night. Cold result. Terry from Peckham says Del Boy has never once meant it and that's the beauty of it all. Enjoy the Reliant Robin air freshener, Terry! Coming up after the break: 'Escape to the Country, but the budget is £47 and the country is a layby near Swindon.' Dreams are free. Houses are not.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

2-1 (W)

They've scored again! Barranquilla Toque-Toque are running riot and we can't cope.

Stunning tackle by Wally West in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. Wally West pierces the backline with a low through ball, Sonic the Hedgehog latches onto it at full tilt. Magnificent. The player aims with surgical precision on the pass from Quicksilver! In that position, knowing how to place a ball like that, you become a nightmare for keepers. GOAL!

Knee slide from Wally West right up to the edge of the stands, high-fives every fan in the front row one by one. Sonic the Hedgehog does the same down the line. David Raya turns up late and blows kisses to both ends at once. Pure magic.

Lamine Yamal sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. Lamine Yamal dinks a lob over the defenders for Jude Bellingham, the ball lands like a feather. OHHHH the HEEEEADER from Jude Bellingham! On the gift from Lamine Yamal, he plants the ball perfectly and beats the keeper!

Roberto Carlos plays it simple to Virgil van Dijk, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Virgil van Dijk gets to the byline and whips one in, the ball floats into the area looking for the head of Quicksilver. Cross blocked from the superhero by the defence. The defender anticipated it, that is the eternal battle between the flank and the back line. Beautiful distribution from David Raya to William Saliba, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. Aerial duel won by William Saliba, he absolutely dominates in the air against the defender.

Vertical press, the opposition has to go long and aimless. The player trips the opponent to halt the break. Comes with the territory in that position, sometimes you just have to foul. Peter Griffin picks up a deserved yellow, the repeated fouling left the referee no choice. Free kick played short by Peter Griffin and Quicksilver, the opposition did not see that one coming. Quicksilver lets rip and it SHAAAVES the woodwork! Inches from a goal, so unlucky.

Tea and biscuits are doing the rounds in the dressing room. Peter Griffin has nabbed three custard creams before anyone else gets a look in. "Oi, leave some for the rest of us, you greedy sod," shouts IShowSpeed from across the room. The gaffer is smiling. When the biscuit tin comes out, you know things are going well. David Raya claims to hold the unofficial world record for eating 47 Jaffa Cakes in under six minutes. At 31 years old, the achievement remains unrecognised by Guinness but celebrated in the dressing room. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 3030 and answer this question: 'How many calories are in a strongly worded letter?' Back on the pitch and Wally West is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

Lamine Yamal sets it for Quicksilver, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Quicksilver triggers a change of flanks for Virgil van Dijk, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Virgil van Dijk reaches the byline and cuts it back for William Saliba arriving from the second wave. William Saliba completely miscues his cross, the ball ends up in the stands. Not his night.

Underhit ball from Jude Bellingham, the pass is too soft and an opponent nicks it. SAAAVED with the foot from David Raya! He stuck out a leg from nowhere to push the ball away! Virgil van Dijk clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival.

Lamine Yamal picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train. The referee points to the spot! PENALTY for Lamine Yamal! The defender fouled him in the box, impossible NOT to give it. The pressure goes up a NOTCH! VAR has flagged something here, everyone is standing still waiting for the verdict. VAR can't find a foul, penalty denied for Lamine Yamal! David Raya rolls it short to IShowSpeed into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play.

Short pass from the player to Sonic the Hedgehog, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Sonic the Hedgehog whips in a cross at head height, Virgil van Dijk anticipates and gets ahead of his marker. Superb leap from Virgil van Dijk who wins the aerial duel hands down. The opposition striker can only watch from below. Virgil van Dijk delivers a tidy ball to Wally West, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work.

Wally West absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime. The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. The rapper lays it off first time to Lamine Yamal, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Lamine Yamal leans into the opponent and sends him off balance. Free kick.

IShowSpeed embarks on a breathtaking run, stringing together dribbles and bursts of pace. IShowSpeed reads the movement from Jude Bellingham and puts the ball right into the pocket of space. Game intelligence off the charts. Jude Bellingham is well offside there. Quicksilver tried to find him but the run was mistimed.

WHAT A WIN! Virgil van Dijk and William Saliba do their signature handshake — twelve steps, three fist bumps, and something involving elbows that nobody else can replicate. The fans try to copy it in the stands. It goes badly. Everyone loves it anyway. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Doreen from Doncaster, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many calories are in a strongly worded letter?'. The answer was of course 2,400 if written in capitals, or 1,200 if you use passive aggression. Doreen wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-2 (L)

What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end. Majestic individual run from IShowSpeed, he cuts through the pitch like an arrow. Curled effort from IShowSpeed on the pass from Jude Bellingham, the ball nestles in the corner, the keeper is beaten.

IShowSpeed climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Jude Bellingham films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Mad pressing, the strikers chase defenders like wolves. William Saliba slides in but gets the man before the ball. Free kick, no complaints. Free kick taken by William Saliba but it goes wide right, the keeper did not even have to move.

Jude Bellingham shapes to shoot but plays it short to Quicksilver, the defence is caught flat-footed. Quicksilver gives it to Jude Bellingham into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision.

GOAAAL! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa score! That's a hammer blow, the fans are stunned into silence.

Fifteen-yard belly slide from David Raya, arms out like an aeroplane. Peter Griffin follows in like he's skiing. David Raya arrives at a casual walk and flops on top last. The pile is three bodies deep. The physio is already panicking about someone's back.

David Raya plays it short to Lamine Yamal, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Firm pass from Lamine Yamal into IShowSpeed, right into the boots. No waste. IShowSpeed sets it for Wally West, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Wally West chops the opponent down at the halfway line. Stops the counter. Wally West whips the free kick into the box for Peter Griffin, dangerous delivery!

Someone has kicked over the medical kit and there are ice packs and tape rolls scattered across the floor. Nobody picks them up. David Raya sits among the debris, boots off, staring at the wall. Jude Bellingham has not said a word since coming in. The gaffer surveys the wreckage, literal and metaphorical, and takes a deep breath before delivering his verdict. We can exclusively reveal that Lamine Yamal, standing 180, owns a pair of lucky pants that he's worn under his kit for three consecutive seasons. They're held together by hope and a single thread, but the results speak for themselves. And now, our TV game show The Masked Commuter! To win a monthly Oyster card and a disapproving stare, text 0800TUBE and answer: 'What is the correct facial expression when someone sits next to you on an empty train?' Here come the lads. Jude Bellingham jogs out at the back of the group, quiet, focused, the game plan clear in {his} head. Time to deliver.

Virgil van Dijk clears in a panic off his weaker foot, it is not clean but it is out. The important thing is the ball is miles away. Superb diagonal from the rapper to Roberto Carlos, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. Shifting pass from Quicksilver to Virgil van Dijk, the ball drifts into the free zone and Virgil van Dijk is onto it in two strides. Brilliant cut-back from Virgil van Dijk along the grass for Peter Griffin. That is an absolute peach of a ball.

Roberto Carlos weights his pass into the space for Wally West who collects at full pace without breaking stride. Perfection. Wally West wheels away celebrating but the linesman's flag is up! Offside from Lamine Yamal's ball, goal disallowed! David Raya takes his time and plays it short to IShowSpeed. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch.

It's hit the back of the net! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa lead and we look completely lost.

Full moonwalk from David Raya, penalty spot to halfway line, timing immaculate. Lamine Yamal does the bassline, hand-on-mouth move, in sync. David Raya applauds slowly, cringing grin on his face. Every phone in the stadium is lit up.

The corner from Quicksilver is met by Wally West with a header, but it drifts past the frame. Quick throw from David Raya to Quicksilver out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. Burst of pace from Quicksilver on the wing, the full-back cannot live with that speed. Inch-perfect cross from Quicksilver, the ball clips just over the keeper's hands and finds Lamine Yamal at the back post.

The opposition has eleven behind the ball and a smile on their face. Great vision from Jude Bellingham who finds IShowSpeed in the right channel with a pass into acres of space. Room to breathe. IShowSpeed makes the run but he's gone too soon. Quicksilver's pass comes a split second late. Authoritative clearance from Sonic the Hedgehog in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards. David Raya hoofs it forward towards William Saliba, clearance mode, no time to mess about.

The team sits deep and absorbs everything, still holding. Interception from Virgil van Dijk who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of Virgil van Dijk. Turnover and they're off to the races, a proper counter-punch.

Constant harassment, the opposition is always a yard off the pace. Decisive glance from William Saliba who spots the pass leaving the boot and throws himself into the trajectory. What a lifesaving interception. With one swing of the boot, William Saliba finds Roberto Carlos on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. Roberto Carlos bombs down the right and swings in a floated cross, Peter Griffin wins the aerial battle.

It's done. Montevideo Garra-Charrúa win, we lose, the table doesn't lie. Virgil van Dijk and Sonic the Hedgehog walk out together, bags over shoulders, eyes on the floor. The security guard holds the door and says nothing. Outside, it's started raining. Of course it has. Simon from Woking says the correct expression is existential despair masked by looking at your phone. Oyster card for Simon! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

1-2 (L)

Oh that's heartbreaking! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío score right on the stroke of half-time.

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment David Raya strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. IShowSpeed points at it, jaw on the floor. David Raya shakes his head, not believing it.

What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere. Peter Griffin puts Wally West into acres with a low ball into space. The defender watches it sail past, helpless. Wally West looks at the keeper, sees the angle, and places his shot! It is in, IT IS A GREAT GOAL!

Sonic the Hedgehog pulls out a showboating piece of skill, the defender is a spectator to his own downfall. Sonic the Hedgehog burns past his man with a sudden burst of acceleration, the defender is left standing. The cross from Sonic the Hedgehog is a gift for the keeper who catches it with total composure.

Roberto Carlos lays it off first time to Sonic the Hedgehog, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Sonic the Hedgehog shifts it to IShowSpeed with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. The rapper butchers that pass, straight to the opposition. Unusual for a player of his calibre. Jude Bellingham cleans up with a magnificent sliding tackle, wins possession, and plays it forward. That's the complete defensive action.

David Raya catapults the ball towards Peter Griffin from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. Short pass from the player to Virgil van Dijk, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Virgil van Dijk shifts it to William Saliba with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Shoulder charge from William Saliba on the opponent, just a bit too forceful for the ref's liking. The free kick from William Saliba clears the defence and finds Peter Griffin in the danger area.

"You are playing like a bloody pub team!" The gaffer is purple with rage. "My Sunday league side would have put up more of a fight! IShowSpeed, where were you for their second? Having a nap?" IShowSpeed opens {his} mouth to respond and thinks better of it. This is not the time. Now this is properly British — Roberto Carlos once spent an entire bank holiday Monday sitting in a car park in the rain, eating a Cornish pasty and listening to TalkSport. When asked why, he simply said 'because it's a bank holiday.' The lad is 53 and gets it. And now, our TV game show Eggheads and Sausage Rolls! To win a year of Greggs loyalty points, text 3890 and answer: 'How many sausage rolls can you eat before your doctor sends a letter?' Kick-off! Jude Bellingham wins the first challenge of the second half and the crowd roars its approval. That is the intensity we need.

Oh no, Buenos Aires Pecho Frío have scored from the spot! Cool as you like into the corner.

David Raya climbs onto IShowSpeed's shoulders, arms spread, like a living statue in the centre circle. David Raya circles round them pretending to take photos with an imaginary phone. The Kop chants 'Champions' at full volume.

Horizontal possession, never a ball that breaks the lines. Lamine Yamal gets his cross wrong, too much power, not enough accuracy. The keeper gathers. David Raya leaps, catches, lands. All flowing, all controlled. The keeper is in AUTHORITY mode. One touch football: Jude Bellingham to Peter Griffin, faster than the opposition can think.

Dead time on the pitch, both sides happy to keep it ticking over. Virgil van Dijk feeds Wally West in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Wally West pulls it back along the ground for Lamine Yamal, that is the perfect cut-back! NOOOOO Lamine Yamal! The whole stadium had screamed goal after the pass from Virgil van Dijk, but he fires wide of the open net. Stunned silence. Stodgy, sluggish football, the entertainment has drained out of the game.

Massive diagonal from Virgil van Dijk! Wally West receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards. Wally West crushes it in the air, he wins the header with incredible power. The opponent was left flat-footed. The superhero plays it simple to William Saliba, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. They've got the ball but it's troubling absolutely nobody. The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever.

Ferocious high press, the ball carrier is in full panic mode. The rapper gives it straight to the opposition. That sort of waste is not forgiven at his level. Superb defensive work from Sonic the Hedgehog there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! Powerful run from Sonic the Hedgehog, he shrugs off challenges and carries the ball up the pitch. The player has a pop, it's wide but grazes the post. In that position, having the bravery to shoot is good, just needs a fraction more accuracy.

Royal interception from Virgil van Dijk! He positions himself in the passing corridor and plucks the ball out of thin air. Virgil van Dijk keeps it short to Peter Griffin, no frills, just good football intelligence. Body feint from Peter Griffin, the defender slides the wrong way. That is embarrassing for the marker. Pinpoint delivery from the player towards Wally West, the ball lands on a sixpence. In that position, crosses are half the job. Wally West gets his head on it but it lacks precision, drifting just left of the post.

David Raya plays it along the ground to Sonic the Hedgehog, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. Sonic the Hedgehog dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution. They've broken at pace and the back line is nowhere to be seen. Roberto Carlos plays it into the channel for Quicksilver, the defensive line is split clean in two. That is pure filth. Brilliant tackle from Quicksilver! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending.

Lamine Yamal goes straight to the bus without showering. Sits at the back, hood up, headphones in. Wally West takes the seat across the aisle but doesn't try to talk. The motorway lights flicker past the window. Sometimes silence is the only honest response. Big Dave from Wigan says eleven sausage rolls is the sweet spot before medical intervention. A year of Greggs points for Dave! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

1-0 (W)

They're cranking it up a gear, the pressure is well and truly on. William Saliba drops a lollipop in behind the defence, Roberto Carlos read the play perfectly and finds himself one on one. Roberto Carlos touches the ball with incredible softness and sends it into the bottom corner! GOAL, sublime stuff!

William Saliba sprints to the dugout, hugs the physio, then the doc, then finally the gaffer who pretends to push him off but squeezes him anyway. Virgil van Dijk photobombs behind with a perfect grimace. Picture of the season, right there.

Roberto Carlos shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for William Saliba. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces. Strike from William Saliba that fizzes just wide! The ball licks the upright, so close to a goal. The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded. The referee spots the foul by Peter Griffin, a push in the back on the opponent.

Sonic the Hedgehog produces a piece of skill that will live long in the memory, the entire ground is in raptures. Overlap from Sonic the Hedgehog with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel. Great overlap from Sonic the Hedgehog down the flank, pinpoint cross for Quicksilver in the area. This is the moment.

Interception from Roberto Carlos right through the middle, he anticipated the switch of play and placed himself right in the passing lane. Pure intelligence. One laser pass from Roberto Carlos and the entire defence is eliminated, IShowSpeed is through on goal. The space is enormous. Powerful run from IShowSpeed down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there. IShowSpeed crosses from the left side, the ball hangs in the area, Sonic the Hedgehog is in the right place. Lovely high take from David Raya! He owns his box, the attacker had no time to even jump.

Corner from Quicksilver, drops short, it's a scrap in there! A defender heads it away in desperation! Instinctive clearance from Jude Bellingham who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day. Possession for possession's sake, not a single cross or shot.

David Raya is doing an impression of Rio Malandro FC's manager and it is absolutely spot on. Arms flailing, face going beetroot, the lot. IShowSpeed is in stitches, nearly choking on {his} energy gel. The gaffer lets it run for a minute before clapping his hands. "Right, settle down. We ain't done yet, but bloody hell, that was funny." We can exclusively reveal that David Raya, standing 184, owns a pair of lucky pants that he's worn under his kit for three consecutive seasons. They're held together by hope and a single thread, but the results speak for themselves. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a year's membership to the National Trust, text 3210 and answer: 'What is the correct pronunciation of scone?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Wally West is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

William Saliba looks up and launches a long pass towards Wally West. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Header lost by Wally West, the opponent took the elevator while Wally West stayed on the ground floor. SAVED by David Raya! That strike looked unstoppable but the keeper pulled out a SUPERHUMAN reflex!

The superhero opens up to Roberto Carlos on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Key pass from Peter Griffin! It fizzes between the lines and Roberto Carlos collects on the run, the defence is left for dead. Roberto Carlos takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race.

The rapper switches the play to Quicksilver, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. Quicksilver tries the shot but the defender slides in and gets a toe to deflect it. Well played.

The corner from Quicksilver is snuffed out by the defence, a defender clears at the near post. Quick transition, three touches and they're through on goal, but the finish lets them down. Incredible burst of pace from Lamine Yamal, he eats up the ground in just a few strides.

We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. Jude Bellingham goes crossfield to Quicksilver, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper.

Job done. David Raya and Peter Griffin stroll off arm in arm, grinning like Cheshire cats. The lads in the tunnel are already blasting music — sounds like someone's brought a speaker size of a fridge. Rio Malandro FC's lot are filing out quietly. Not their night. Derek from Tunbridge Wells says it rhymes with gone and the entire studio audience has erupted into civil war. He still gets the membership though. Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

1-0 (W)

Jude Bellingham chains an elastico into a step-over, the defender is completely disorientated. GOOOOAL solo from Jude Bellingham! He beats everyone in his path and sends the ball into the net. SUMPTUOUS!

Knee slide from Jude Bellingham right up to the edge of the stands, high-fives every fan in the front row one by one. Quicksilver does the same down the line. David Raya turns up late and blows kisses to both ends at once. Pure magic.

Short build-up from William Saliba to Wally West, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Line-breaking pass from Wally West! The ball slices through the centre-halves and Quicksilver picks it up at full pace. Devastating.

William Saliba scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive. What a leap from Virgil van Dijk! He rises above the lot and wins the header with royal composure. Virgil van Dijk puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins. Virgil van Dijk finds Roberto Carlos between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch.

David Raya fires it out quickly by hand to William Saliba, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart. William Saliba accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides. William Saliba crosses too far from the target, the ball drifts towards the opposite touchline. David Raya plucks the ball out of the air with total assurance. The defence breathes, the keeper is watching. Short distribution from David Raya to Wally West, circulating at the back, the press is beaten.

Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly. The superhero cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for Sonic the Hedgehog. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat. The flag denies Sonic the Hedgehog, offside by a toe on Roberto Carlos's pass. Absolutely devastating! The referee jogs over to the screen, both sets of players watching his every move. Massive call coming.

Tea and biscuits are doing the rounds in the dressing room. Virgil van Dijk has nabbed three custard creams before anyone else gets a look in. "Oi, leave some for the rest of us, you greedy sod," shouts Peter Griffin from across the room. The gaffer is smiling. When the biscuit tin comes out, you know things are going well. Club physios had to confiscate Roberto Carlos's PlayStation after the 53-year-old stayed up until 4am playing FIFA and turned up to training in his slippers. At 168, he was sleepwalking through drills. And now, our TV game show Wheel of Misfortune! To win a family pass to a motorway services Burger King, text 0800M25 and answer: 'How many hours does it take to travel one junction on the M25 on a Friday?' The second period begins and Jude Bellingham launches a crossfield ball within ten seconds. Statement of intent right there. The second half will not be like the first.

Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper. Jude Bellingham fires the ball over to Quicksilver with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book. The superhero is beaten to the header by his marker. In that position, a lost duel like that is a warning sign.

Roberto Carlos with the last-ditch tackle, gets every bit of the ball and none of the man. The ref's happy, we're happy. Roberto Carlos catches everyone off guard with a solo burst, he is unstoppable. Magnificent shift from Roberto Carlos! Wally West picks it up in space, no marker in sight, the pitch is his.

William Saliba delivers a tidy ball to Sonic the Hedgehog, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. The timing is everything: Sonic the Hedgehog releases the ball at the perfect moment and Wally West explodes into the space behind. The defence is cooked. Massive fail from Wally West on that effort! The ball goes so far wide the keeper had a chuckle.

David Raya opts for the short option to Jude Bellingham, keeping possession, building play, no panic. Quick exchange between Jude Bellingham and Wally West, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Wally West hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust. Wally West lobs it over the defensive block, Roberto Carlos peels off and receives in space. Sublime. HEADER from Roberto Carlos! His forehead connects but it flies over the crossbar. Unlucky.

Victory! Roberto Carlos and Peter Griffin lead the squad in a huddle, bouncing and chanting something the microphones can't quite pick up. Probably for the best. Istanbul Cehennem FK have left the pitch but we're not done yet. The stadium DJ puts on a banger and nobody wants to go home. Karen from Slough says roughly four and a half hours per junction, which she verified last Bank Holiday. Enjoy your Burger King, Karen! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-0 (W)

Jude Bellingham swings it in and it's BEDLAM in the box! The defense is clinging on for dear life! Sonic the Hedgehog is on the prowl for the rebound and prods it in from two yards, pure poacher.

Lamine Yamal presses high and the defender loses the ball under pressure. It is simple, it is effective, it is intensity football. Dummy from Lamine Yamal, the defender dives in and ends up on the deck. Done. Smooth transition from Lamine Yamal to Peter Griffin, no delay, the game keeps flowing.

Roberto Carlos meets the corner from Jude Bellingham with a header at the near post, just wide. David Raya finds Sonic the Hedgehog with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money. Burst of speed from Sonic the Hedgehog, he devours the left flank in a matter of seconds. Impressive. Overlap and cross from Sonic the Hedgehog, the ball drops at the feet of IShowSpeed in the heart of the box.

Wally West reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. Wally West pings a long diagonal to Quicksilver, completely shifts the point of attack. Looping cross from Quicksilver, it sails over the centre-halves and drops towards William Saliba. Danger. Corner from William Saliba to the back post, it's knocked back across, SCRAMBLE! Defense boots it clear! OHHH Virgil van Dijk unleashes an absolute thunderbolt! On target but the keeper pulls off a stunner!

Lamine Yamal floats his corner in but a defender climbs highest and heads it clear. The player hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did. The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it. One touch football: Lamine Yamal to IShowSpeed, faster than the opposition can think. Body feint from the rapper, the defender is eliminated. When you have got that technique in that role, you cause carnage.

Quicksilver mimics the referee's running style down the corridor and the entire dressing room loses it. Even the kit man is doubled over. Virgil van Dijk wipes tears from {his} eyes. The gaffer tries to bring order but cracks a smile himself. "Alright, alright, save the comedy for after the match. We have got 45 minutes to see this through." Now this is properly British — William Saliba once spent an entire bank holiday Monday sitting in a car park in the rain, eating a Cornish pasty and listening to TalkSport. When asked why, he simply said 'because it's a bank holiday.' The lad is 25 and gets it. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 1234 and answer this question: 'How many pints fit inside a standard British apology?' David Raya trots out with a fresh shirt and a look that could curdle milk. Whatever happened in that dressing room has put fire in {his} belly.

Sonic the Hedgehog plays it simple to Wally West, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Wally West takes on his man with a sharp turn, one touch and it is done. Clean. The superhero has a crack and FIIIIRES! On target but the keeper saves. In that position, you've got to be brave enough to shoot and he absolutely was. Wally West takes his corner to the near post but a defender is there to cut it out. The superhero launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters.

Good ball from Roberto Carlos to IShowSpeed, playing it quick between the lines. IShowSpeed accelerates and burns past his man on the wing, nobody can keep up! IShowSpeed wraps his arm around the attacker's waist, cynical foul, free kick given. The rapper picks up a yellow for a tactical foul — at that position, you learn when to take one for the team.

Lamine Yamal sets up Jude Bellingham with a pull-back in the area, that is the goal-scoring pass right there! Jude Bellingham has bottled it completely after that gift from William Saliba! Goal gaping and he has fluffed it. A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all.

Classy interception from Virgil van Dijk, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time. Virgil van Dijk sends an aerial beauty to IShowSpeed, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile. Masterful aerial duel from IShowSpeed, he gets above everyone and heads it clear. The attacker was left as a spectator. The opponent gets the better of the rapper in the header. In his role, that is the kind of situation where concentration must be at its peak.

Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking. The rapper sets off on a solo raid from deep. When a player in that position triggers a run like that, the opposition defence does not know what hit them. Terrible tackle from the rapper on the attacker. At that level and in that position, there's no excuse for going in like that. The ref shows yellow to IShowSpeed. That raised arm in the duel was out of order. IShowSpeed nudges the ball to Quicksilver from the free kick, the wall has been beaten by guile.

It's all over and it's OURS! Quicksilver leads the squad on a lap of honour, clapping every section of the ground. David Raya picks up a scarf thrown from the stands and wears it like a medal. The stewards have given up trying to keep order. Beautiful chaos. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Keith Drizzleton, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many pints fit inside a standard British apology?'. The answer was of course three and a half, or four if you really mean it. Keith wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-1 (L)

Clever foul by William Saliba, he breaks up the counter-attack before it develops. William Saliba picks up a deserved yellow. He fouled deliberately to prevent a three-on-two. William Saliba does a Zidane on the free kick! The ball curls, swerves around the wall and ends in the goal. GOAL!

William Saliba sprints to the dugout, hugs the physio, then the doc, then finally the gaffer who pretends to push him off but squeezes him anyway. Jude Bellingham photobombs behind with a perfect grimace. Picture of the season, right there.

Roberto Carlos goes to ground and absolutely nails the tackle. Ball won, danger cleared, crowd on their feet. Roberto Carlos slides a beauty through the gap, Sonic the Hedgehog is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. RUSH OUT from David Raya! He charges at the opponent and smothers the ball at the feet. ENORMOUS! David Raya sparks the transition with a quick throw to Lamine Yamal, the break is lightning fast. Gorgeous crossfield ball from Lamine Yamal to Jude Bellingham, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow.

William Saliba deliberately passes back to the keeper, the clock ticks on. Yellow card. William Saliba confronted the referee and that's an automatic booking. The free kick from William Saliba lands right on Lamine Yamal in the heart of the box. What a delivery! Lamine Yamal climbs above everyone and powers a header... wide. What a waste.

The free kick from Lamine Yamal is a dangerous one, Quicksilver meets it on the volley inside the six-yard box. Aerial duel won by the superhero, he crushes it in the air. When you have that leap in that role, you rule your box.

Virgil van Dijk heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one. David Raya throws it out quickly to Virgil van Dijk, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Virgil van Dijk unleashes a raking ball out to IShowSpeed, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. IShowSpeed slides the ball into space for Lamine Yamal, he is away down the middle. Lamine Yamal tries from distance and CRAAACKS it! On target but the keeper pushes it aside. Unlucky.

Quicksilver paces up and down the dressing room, unable to sit still. Adrenaline and frustration mixed together in equal measure. The gaffer blocks {his} path: "Sit down. Breathe. Channel all of that into the next forty-five minutes. I need you sharp, not frantic. Understood?" Quicksilver exhales and sits. Brilliant little nugget — Jude Bellingham has a recurring dream where he's stuck in a Harvester salad bar that never ends. He told the club psychologist, who apparently just said 'that's very normal for a man your height.' He's 186, for the record. And now, our TV game show The Great British Guess Off! To win a tin of Quality Street with all the good ones already taken, text 0800CHOC and answer: 'Which Quality Street does nobody ever pick first?' The second period begins and Quicksilver launches a crossfield ball within ten seconds. Statement of intent right there. The second half will not be like the first.

Quicksilver lays it off first time to William Saliba, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. William Saliba plays a surgical cut-back along the floor for Virgil van Dijk in the six-yard box. That is pure silk. Virgil van Dijk controls and SHOOTS! On target but the keeper dives and gets a hand to it. Corner.

David Raya distributes short to Virgil van Dijk, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. One touch football: Virgil van Dijk to Roberto Carlos, faster than the opposition can think. Dribble from Roberto Carlos in the box, one shimmy and the defender is out of the picture. Dangerous.

And it's in! Sevilla Olé-Olé take advantage of a dreadful mix-up at the back.

Lamine Yamal chips a cross over everyone, William Saliba finds himself alone behind the defence. VOLLEY from William Saliba off Roberto Carlos's ball! Incredible technique but the ball ends up in the stands. The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop.

Crucial intervention from the superhero, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on. They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass. SHOOOOT from the superhero! On target but saved by the keeper. In that role, those kind of efforts put the defence under serious pressure.

Team goes on the counter but the final pass is too short, all wasted. Lamine Yamal wants to play it quick but the pass to Quicksilver is wayward, lacking any precision.

Perfect parity. Roberto Carlos slaps hands with the opposition manager, mutual respect. "Good game, gaffer." "Good game." Formality, but meant. William Saliba watches from the bench. Some draws are honest. This one is. Margaret from Didcot says it's the toffee penny and she will die on that hill. She wins the tin of leftovers! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-0 (W)

Catastrophe for David Raya! He completely fluffs his catch and the opposing attacker just has to nudge it in! GOOOOAL! Roberto Carlos arrives at full pelt in the box, the cross from IShowSpeed is perfect, he just has to score!

Knee slide from David Raya right up to the edge of the stands, high-fives every fan in the front row one by one. Roberto Carlos does the same down the line. David Raya turns up late and blows kisses to both ends at once. Pure magic.

Lovely on the eye but completely sterile, no penetration at all. Clean lay-off from the rapper to Jude Bellingham into the gap. The bare minimum for a player of that calibre, but done with outrageous class. Low pull-back from Jude Bellingham across the turf, William Saliba controls and shoots in one movement. William Saliba shoots but it's deflected at the last moment by the defender who stuck his head in! What courage.

Lamine Yamal tries the downward header on the corner from Sonic the Hedgehog but it goes wide. Wrong angle. David Raya boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for IShowSpeed! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Devastating burst of pace from IShowSpeed, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank. IShowSpeed looks up and swings in a floated cross, Sonic the Hedgehog rises among the defenders.

Low block set up sweetly, the opposition plays around it with no danger. William Saliba throws himself into the tackle and comes out with the ball. That's pure desire, that is. William Saliba picks out Roberto Carlos with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Wall pass between Roberto Carlos and Lamine Yamal, the combination comes off a treat.

Lamine Yamal drives down the flank and puts in an inswinging cross, the ball curves away from the defence and reaches William Saliba. William Saliba tries to cross but it is deflected behind for a corner by the defender. Wally West puts his corner into the box but the defence is solid, cleared away. IShowSpeed intercepts in the opposition half, he read the play three seconds before anyone else. That is defensive caviar. Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered.

Sonic the Hedgehog is planning the celebration already. "If I score in the second half, I am doing the knee slide right in front of their lot," {he} tells Lamine Yamal, who replies: "Last time you tried that you pulled your hamstring." The dressing room erupts. The gaffer shakes his head. "Just score the goal, we will worry about the celebration later." Dietitians have given up on Lamine Yamal, who eats a chip butty with gravy before every home game. At 19 years old, the Northerner insists it's 'proper fuel' and the nutritional data 'doesn't apply up here.' And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Be a Milliner! To win a Primark bag full of reduced Percy Pigs from M&S, text 0800PORK and answer: 'How many Percy Pigs can you fit in a shopping trolley?' The floodlights feel brighter for the second half. David Raya squints up at them, takes a deep breath, and takes {his} position. Forty-five minutes. Everything to play for.

Deflected shot from the player, the defender makes himself big. In that role, the technique was there but the block was perfect. Corner from Jude Bellingham, good delivery but the defence reads it well and clears. Lamine Yamal hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough.

Surface-level dominance, not one incisive moment. Textbook lay-off from William Saliba to IShowSpeed who suddenly has ten yards of daylight ahead of him. Highway. That's offside. IShowSpeed was straining at the leash and went too early on Roberto Carlos's ball. Roberto Carlos boots the ball as far as he possibly can with an emergency clearance. Zero style, one hundred percent effectiveness. Long kick from David Raya, Sonic the Hedgehog positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on.

Driven kick from David Raya to Lamine Yamal, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Lamine Yamal reads that pass like an open book, surgical interception. Lay-off from Lamine Yamal to Jude Bellingham, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Quick dribble from Jude Bellingham, one touch, one turn, and the defender is eliminated. Good delivery from Jude Bellingham off the left flank, Sonic the Hedgehog positions himself between the two centre-halves.

Wally West spots Jude Bellingham in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness. Jude Bellingham eliminates his opponent with a short piece of skill, absolutely surgical.

David Raya smashes a volley towards IShowSpeed, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. IShowSpeed sets it for Virgil van Dijk, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Blistering run from Virgil van Dijk on the wing, the defender is chasing but never catches up. Virgil van Dijk lobs it over the entire defence for William Saliba, that is laser-guided.

GET IN THERE! Virgil van Dijk slides on his knees across the wet turf, Roberto Carlos piles on top, and suddenly half the squad is in a heap. The physio's already panicking about someone's hamstring. München Ordnung-Muss-Sein can only watch. That's what it means to this lot. Sharon from Basildon says two hundred and six Percy Pigs, which she verified personally last Saturday. Primark bag and all, she's the winner! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

2-2 (L)

High recovery from Lamine Yamal, he forced the error by hounding the carrier relentlessly. The kind of effort that the stats do not show but that wins football matches. Sharp turn from Lamine Yamal, the defender is sat down. Someone call an ambulance. GOOOOOAL! Lamine Yamal places it inside the post from the cross by Jude Bellingham, the keeper was well positioned but had no chance!

Fifteen-yard belly slide from Lamine Yamal, arms out like an aeroplane. IShowSpeed follows in like he's skiing. David Raya arrives at a casual walk and flops on top last. The pile is three bodies deep. The physio is already panicking about someone's back.

Peter Griffin pulls out a backheel nutmeg in open play, the ball goes through the defender's legs with the heel. Peter Griffin puts on his personal show! Slalom, dribbles, finish, it is an AUTHOR'S GOAL, GOAL!

Peter Griffin stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. IShowSpeed follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. David Raya plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

William Saliba gives it to IShowSpeed into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Good ball from the rapper to Sonic the Hedgehog, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Sonic the Hedgehog scuffs the pass, the ball spins off the boot and heads towards the dugout. Lonely moment. Inch-perfect tackle by Lamine Yamal, he's taken the ball cleanly and snuffed out the attack. Brilliant defending.

Enormous anticipation from Virgil van Dijk who intercepts and kills the opposition attack stone dead. The pressing has paid off. Wing switch from Virgil van Dijk, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and William Saliba brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Dreadful pass from William Saliba, lands three yards away from the target. Peter Griffin can do nothing with that. The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. Ball into space from Virgil van Dijk, Roberto Carlos just has to run onto it and collect. Simple and genius.

GOAL! London Three-Pints have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

'I told you so' mode. David Raya eyeballs the London Three-Pints bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Virgil van Dijk pulls David Raya away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

The gaffer marches in and goes straight to the whiteboard without a word. He moves magnets around in silence while Virgil van Dijk stares at the floor, hands on knees. Nobody speaks. The tension is thicker than a foggy Tuesday night in Stoke. Finally the boss breaks it: "We are not here to draw. Sort it out." Sources confirm David Raya once spent four hours in Primark and came out wearing head-to-toe matching leopard print. At 184, the 31-year-old looked like a giraffe having an identity crisis. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 2233 and answer this question: 'What is the average wingspan of a Meal Deal sandwich?' Out they come. Virgil van Dijk has changed {his} boots at the break and is already pinging the ball around to get a feel. Business time.

The rapper grabs the attacker by the shoulder, blatant foul. The rapper finally sees yellow after foul upon foul. Should know better at that position. IShowSpeed fancies himself from the free kick but sends it into orbit. Woeful effort.

Ping-pong between the two boxes, every ball is a chance. Lovely quick transition, but the final decision-making is terrible. Brilliant opening from IShowSpeed for Sonic the Hedgehog, frees up the entire left flank.

Monster clearance from David Raya, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Wally West. Wally West anticipates the lofted pass and intercepts with his chest. Total control, maximum game intelligence.

Instant break, the opposition are caught on their heels and punished. Oh my word Quicksilver fires and it goes JUST wide! The post must have felt the breeze. We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition.

Virgil van Dijk launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. Transition play in overdrive, they're at the edge of the box already.

GOAAAL! London Three-Pints make it count! Sliced through us like a hot knife through butter.

With one swing of the boot, Lamine Yamal finds Peter Griffin on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. The player finds IShowSpeed in the pocket with a ball into space. Understated quality, no fuss, but devastatingly effective. The rapper roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head. Cut-back along the ground from IShowSpeed on the right, Virgil van Dijk picks it up centrally in front of goal. Massive chance.

Stalemate at home. Jude Bellingham and David Raya embrace, more habit than joy. The fans file out quietly, a few clap anyway. The stadium announcer tries a "Come on you lot" chant — it's thin. Time to go home. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Doreen from Doncaster, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the average wingspan of a Meal Deal sandwich?'. The answer was of course 23 centimetres, though the chicken and bacon triple reaches a majestic 31. Doreen wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.