My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇦🇺
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Phoenix No-Defense | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Holy shit, the arena is erupting and the game hasn't even started. There are 20,000 absolute maniacs on their feet chanting the name of a franchise with more scars than a retired boxer. Seasons of domination, seasons of total demolition, insane 3 AM trades, Draft picks that smelled like either genius or pure madness, nobody knew at the time, and honestly sometimes we still don't. But tonight, all of that is behind us. Tonight is the present, and the present reeks of adrenaline and revenge. The team with no name, baby! The real reason this building is at capacity? It's him. Abraham Lincoln. The man. The beast. Standing at 193 cm, and not an ounce of fat, all lean muscle and raw talent. This dude was put on Earth to play basketball, there's no other explanation. Watch him move on the court and it's like watching a predator in the savanna: every movement is calculated, every step is perfect, and when he decides to strike, it's already too late for the defender. Nature built a monster, and we're lucky enough to watch him play tonight. The worst part? His ice-cold composure. The clock shows 0.8 seconds, the whole building is holding its breath, the ball is burning in his hands... And he flashes a little smirk before draining the game-winner with sickening ease. He's the engine, the brain, and the heartbeat of that locker room. If he sneezes, the whole damn franchise catches a cold. Tonight, he's on a mission, and believe me, he didn't show up to mess around. Alright, we need to address the elephant in the room. Or rather, the comedy show on the roster. Malcolm Fraser is on this team. Malcolm Fraser, who is a head of government and doesn't even know what "pick-and-roll" means. The guy shows up with their executive pen under his arm, shoes that are clearly not regulation, and the cardio of a weekend smoker. At his first practice, he tried a crossover and twisted his ankle. At his second, he attempted a layup and the ball flew into the stands. But damn it, what this man has is balls of steel and an ability to make an entire arena laugh without even trying. And that, my friends, is worth every max contract in the world. Let's talk budget, and by "budget" I mean the spare change you find between the couch cushions. These guys are so far under the salary floor that the league literally has to GIVE them money to meet the minimum. This is the squad that travels by Greyhound bus and washes their own jerseys. No stars, just hungry rookies on two-way deals and bitter vets signed for the minimum. It's the perfect setup for tanking your way to a top Draft pick, but for the fans, it's a damn desert crossing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
86-130 (L)
The game begins and Abraham Lincoln is ready! You can see that dawg mentality written all over his face!
Abraham Lincoln, this solid build, gets the look from downtown but the lid's on the rim!
This absolute legend Joe Biden dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Malcolm Fraser gets screened out! Stuck behind their executive pen like it's a wall!
Joe Biden sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like a university professor after a long shift!
Halftime! Barack Obama walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Confession: Barack Obama calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
This once-in-a-lifetime player Joe Biden misfires again! Injury-prone body could cost the team!
Abraham Lincoln is gassed! More tired than after a full day of cultivating the stubborn soil!
Joe Biden tries to be too fancy and loses the Wilson! Tendency to force bad shots in the decision-making!
Malcolm Fraser walks away muttering! Muttering about the whole nation under their breath!
Joe Biden tips the cap to the winners! The university professor's grace with the young scholars!
Abraham Lincoln pulls his cap down over his eyes. Scott Morrison doesn't have a cap, and it shows. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
86-131 (L)
Joe Biden gets the starting nod! A university professor starting with their lecture notes confidence!
Barack Obama misfires from downtown! Even this franchise cornerstone has off nights!
Sloppy handling by Joe Biden! Challenging the young scholars is done with more finesse!
Barack Obama, this combo guard, gets blown by on the perimeter! Lack of consistency in the legs!
This all-time great Joe Biden can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Into the tunnel. Barack Obama grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Rumor has it Barack Obama does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.
Scott Morrison steps back but overcooks it! Tendency to rush showing up again!
Joe Biden plays through exhaustion! The endurance of challenging the young scholars daily!
Barack Obama coughs up the leather! Shaky emotions under pressure strikes again in transition!
Abraham Lincoln, this absolute legend, with the frustrated foul! Tendency to rush in tough moments!
Joe Biden walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to university professor life tomorrow!
Malcolm Fraser isolates in a corner, back against the wall. Abraham Lincoln tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
74-118 (L)
Abraham Lincoln comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the farmer means business!
Abraham Lincoln with a rough buzzer-beater at the top of the key! Defense that's basically a suggestion at the worst time!
This guy everybody knows Malcolm Fraser with turnover number lengths ahead! Lack of consistency is piling up!
Joe Biden bites on the fake! Fooled like a university professor by counterfeit the young scholars!
Malcolm Fraser steps back angrily after the turnover! This bonafide star spiraling!
Halftime! Joe Biden checks his stats on the board and winces. Little scoop: Joe Biden tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
Abraham Lincoln gets the friendly rim but no luck! Even the farmer touch can't save that one!
Barack Obama struggles in the third quarter! The community organizer hitting the wall with the neighborhood!
Malcolm Fraser with the errant pass! This elite player needs to settle down!
This all-time great Joe Biden gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Scott Morrison leaves the venue quietly! Quiet as a politician after the public policy setback!
Malcolm Fraser walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Scott Morrison drags one foot after the other. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
83-127 (L)
Joe Biden takes the court to a hostile crowd! The university professor with their lecture notes is here!
Abraham Lincoln, this smooth operator, double-clutches and misses! Indecision from this certified GOAT candidate!
Barack Obama, this solid build, steps out of bounds with the leather! Mental lapse!
This living legend Barack Obama caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Joe Biden, this do-it-all player, sits down hard on the bench! Occasional mental lapses written all over his face!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Malcolm Fraser picks up the pace. Did you know Malcolm Fraser plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
Abraham Lincoln dishes the ball into the front rim! That's frustrating for this franchise cornerstone!
Abraham Lincoln barely gets back on defense! Moving like a farmer on a Friday afternoon!
Abraham Lincoln throws it into the stands! What was that from this global icon!
Barack Obama spins the towel! This undisputed superstar showing hot head!
Barack Obama takes off past the media. This guy with rings on every finger not in the mood to talk.
Scott Morrison sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. Joe Biden winces. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
89-134 (L)
Malcolm Fraser takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Scott Morrison penetrates the orange into nothing! Lack of consistency on full display tonight!
Barack Obama with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the neighborhood!
Abraham Lincoln gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the stubborn soil behind the seed dibber!
Joe Biden stares in disbelief! The look of a university professor who just lost everything!
Into the tunnel. Barack Obama grabs a banana on the way and devours it. They say Barack Obama eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
Barack Obama can't convert the open shot! Rallying the neighborhood is way easier!
This franchise guy Malcolm Fraser stumbles! The fatigue is real after the contest!
Joe Biden dribbles it off their foot! Their lecture notes would never betray a university professor like that!
Scott Morrison mouths off and picks up a T! Defense that's basically a suggestion taking over!
Scott Morrison, this all-around player, trudges off the venue. Lessons to take from this one.
Malcolm Fraser's eyes are red, jaw tight. Abraham Lincoln apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
74-119 (L)
This once-in-a-lifetime player Scott Morrison gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Scott Morrison misses the triple! Three-pointers aren't like triple-checking the public policy!
Scott Morrison with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost politician!
Malcolm Fraser gives up the easy bucket! Easier than governing the whole nation!
This established star Malcolm Fraser throws an elbow in frustration! Limited stamina on full display!
Break. Barack Obama asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Anecdote: Barack Obama threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
Barack Obama misses badly! Should have aimed like they aim their bullhorn at the neighborhood!
Malcolm Fraser bends over, hands on knees! Exhausted like a head of government after their executive pen overtime!
Barack Obama throws it away! Occasional mental lapses under pressure at the top of the key!
Barack Obama, this tweener, pounds the scorer's table! Heavy feet on full display!
Scott Morrison packs up and heads out! Packing their campaign podium, unpacking emotions!
Malcolm Fraser bites the inside of his cheek. Abraham Lincoln pinches the bridge of his nose. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
77-122 (L)
Barack Obama bounces the pill pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Scott Morrison bricks another one! Building something awful with their campaign podium tonight!
Abraham Lincoln, this smooth operator, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted on the low block!
Scott Morrison gets blown by! Even a politician couldn't stop that!
Malcolm Fraser buries their face! Hidden from view, the head of government can't watch!
That's a cut. Malcolm Fraser stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Rumor has it Malcolm Fraser has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
That one wasn't even close, Malcolm Fraser! Stick to governing the whole nation!
Scott Morrison finds a second wind! The politician engine roars back to life!
Scott Morrison trips up in the three-point line! A politician never trips at work... Right?
Joe Biden slams the rock in frustration! Heavy feet on full display!
Malcolm Fraser, this reliable star, takes the loss hard. Heavy feet at the wrong moments.
Barack Obama replays the score in his head on a loop. Joe Biden tries to think about something else. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
80-124 (L)
Malcolm Fraser wins the opening tip! Tipping off with head of government energy!
Scott Morrison can't buy a bucket! Maybe the public policy would be easier to aim!
Abraham Lincoln dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the farmer's finest moment!
Abraham Lincoln bites on the pump fake! This global icon sent flying at the top of the key!
This undisputed superstar Abraham Lincoln fouls hard out of frustration! Heavy feet showing!
The players leave the court. Scott Morrison clings to the tunnel railing. Confession: Scott Morrison believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Abraham Lincoln penetrates but the shot rims out! Lack of consistency rears its ugly head!
Malcolm Fraser is running on fumes! The head of government tank is completely empty!
Joe Biden passes to nobody! This living legend with a head-scratching decision!
Barack Obama pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The community organizer in them is showing!
Scott Morrison walks off in defeat! Even a politician's skills couldn't save tonight!
Malcolm Fraser's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Abraham Lincoln hides his eyes under a towel. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
88-133 (L)
Joe Biden looks dialed in from the start! Freakish explosiveness preparation showing!
Abraham Lincoln just barely misses! Close as a farmer getting the stubborn soil almost right!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Joe Biden forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Abraham Lincoln gives up the back door! Injury-prone body when overplaying!
Barack Obama slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a community organizer hits the workbench!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Malcolm Fraser to massage his thighs. Physio's confession: Malcolm Fraser purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
Barack Obama with the contested step-back three from the right corner! No good! Bad selection!
Abraham Lincoln, this all-around player, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
Abraham Lincoln gets picked! A farmer getting the stubborn soil stolen in broad daylight!
Abraham Lincoln, this do-it-all player, throws the hands up! Exasperated from the left corner!
Barack Obama takes the loss hard! Hard as the neighborhood on a bad community organizer day!
Scott Morrison stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Malcolm Fraser comes back to get him. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
88-131 (L)
This franchise cornerstone Joe Biden in the starting lineup! Let's see what this franchise cornerstone brings!
Abraham Lincoln fires a bucket back to the basket but can't connect! Heavy feet showing!
Abraham Lincoln gets the ball stripped! The stubborn soil would have stayed in a farmer's grip!
Malcolm Fraser can't stay in front! Governing the whole nation doesn't build lateral quickness!
Scott Morrison throws their hands up! Like a politician when their campaign podium breaks!
Break time. Abraham Lincoln bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Intel: Abraham Lincoln refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
Abraham Lincoln misfires in transition! The seed dibber calibration needed!
Abraham Lincoln can barely run! The contest harder than the contest of cultivating the stubborn soil!
This first-ballot legend Barack Obama commits the 5-second violation! Clock management injury-prone body!
Joe Biden tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the university professor will bounce back!
Joe Biden looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a university professor!
Joe Biden lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Malcolm Fraser decides not to comment. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
76-121 (L)
Malcolm Fraser huddles with the team! Huddling up, the head of government strategizes!
Joe Biden misses from the corner! From downtown is no place for their lecture notes!
Abraham Lincoln charges right into the defender! Turnover! Injury-prone body when controlling pace!
Scott Morrison overcommits! Going all-in like a politician on the public policy, but wrong!
Joe Biden looks to the heavens! A university professor praying for their lecture notes to work!
Break time. Barack Obama bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Did you know Barack Obama plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
Abraham Lincoln misses on a clutch free throw! A farmer dropping the stubborn soil at the worst time!
This household name Scott Morrison signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Lack of consistency!
Malcolm Fraser loses the ball! A head of government would never be this careless!
Barack Obama mutters to himself walking back! This generational talent fighting inner demons!
Malcolm Fraser absorbs the defeat! Taking it on the chin, a head of government knows tough days!
Scott Morrison lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Abraham Lincoln decides not to comment. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
76-121 (L)
Tip-off! Joe Biden gets us started! Let's go!
Barack Obama, this hall-of-fame lock, comes up empty! An off-balance shot off target at half court!
Barack Obama throws it away! A pass worse than a community organizer tossing the neighborhood!
Joe Biden gets posted up and scored on! This absolute legend overpowered!
Abraham Lincoln vents at their teammates! The farmer who vents about the stubborn soil!
Both teams head to the locker room. Joe Biden wipes his forehead with his jersey. Rumor has it Joe Biden tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Barack Obama bricks it! Not the same accuracy as rallying the neighborhood!
Barack Obama digs deep! Deep as a community organizer digs into the neighborhood!
Joe Biden commits the live-ball turnover! Their lecture notes would be ashamed!
Malcolm Fraser can't hide the frustration! Their executive pen frustration meets the basketball frustration!
Joe Biden sits alone on the bench. This once-in-a-lifetime player processing the defeat.
Barack Obama's lip is trembling. Joe Biden dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
80-125 (L)
Abraham Lincoln, this global icon, embraces the electric crowd! Game on!
Scott Morrison clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their campaign podium hitting the public policy!
Intercepted! Scott Morrison's pass snatched right out of the air! A politician would never be that careless!
Joe Biden, this versatile guy, can't keep up with the speed! Tendency to rush exposed!
Malcolm Fraser is visibly upset! Upset as a head of government when the whole nation goes sideways!
Halftime whistle! Scott Morrison grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Did you know Scott Morrison keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
A step-back three from Abraham Lincoln goes in and out! Heartbreaking driving to the hoop!
Joe Biden stumbles on the play! Stumbling like a university professor over the young scholars!
Barack Obama, this versatile guy, gets stripped at half court! Tendency to rush exposed!
Barack Obama drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a community organizer's spirit has limits!
Abraham Lincoln vows to come back stronger! Stronger than the seed dibber reinforced with the stubborn soil!
Malcolm Fraser walks toward the tunnel without a word. Barack Obama stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
83-128 (L)
Joe Biden checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Abraham Lincoln, this basketball god, sends the ball wide! The touch is off tonight!
Scott Morrison loses the basketball in traffic! This living legend can't afford that!
Joe Biden gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the young scholars on a rough day!
Joe Biden, this first-ballot legend, barks at the teammate! Lack of consistency taking over!
Halftime whistle. Barack Obama spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Did you know? Barack Obama once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
This big-name player Malcolm Fraser misses the mark! A euro-step goes begging driving to the hoop!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Barack Obama can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
Barack Obama with the lazy pass! Heavy feet leading to easy points!
Malcolm Fraser gets a technical for complaining! Tendency to force bad shots on full display!
Despite the loss, Scott Morrison held their own with the public policy! The politician fought!
Scott Morrison walks head down toward the tunnel. Abraham Lincoln drags his feet behind, shoulders slumped. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
80-125 (L)
Scott Morrison sets the tone early! The politician came to play tonight!
Abraham Lincoln, this smooth operator, gets the separation but can't finish! Heavy feet!
Malcolm Fraser turns it over in the restricted area! Butterfingers from this head of government!
Barack Obama gets burned on the switch! Hotter than a community organizer's worst day on the job!
This hall-of-fame lock Scott Morrison slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Into the tunnel. Malcolm Fraser grabs a banana on the way and devours it. They say Malcolm Fraser eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
Barack Obama can't find the range! Their bullhorn has better accuracy than that!
Scott Morrison tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a politician's energy for the public policy!
Barack Obama, this versatile guy, commits the travel! Hot head in the footwork!
This global icon Barack Obama hangs the head after the miss! Deflated facing the rim!
Barack Obama wipes a tear! A community organizer who poured everything into the effort!
Scott Morrison lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Joe Biden holds his in. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Abraham Lincoln.
Season journal
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