My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇿🇦
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Houston Blast-Off | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 9 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 10 | Phoenix No-Defense | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 12 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 13 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | My Team | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Ladies and gentlemen, good evening and welcome to what is probably going to be the most electric night of this season. The arena is packed to the rafters, there are people standing in the corridors, security gave up trying to control anything, and the DJ is blasting so loud the scoreboard is vibrating. We are here to talk about a legendary franchise. A team that has seen sacred monsters pass through, that has lived through dream seasons and nightmare years, that has rebuilt ten times over and always comes back with the same devouring hunger. The team with no name, baby! There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's LeBron James. Standing at 206 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face. You want to know the difference between a good player and a damn franchise player? It's the fourth quarter. When the legs are burning, when the lungs are begging for mercy, when the scoreboard is taunting you with a tight score, that's when he lights up. Like a diesel engine finally hitting its temperature. The first three quarters are the warm-up. The fourth quarter is his hunting ground. And the prey? It's the teams that thought they had a chance. And here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the cherry on top, the plot twist nobody saw coming: the coach recruited Optimus Prime. A soldier. To play professional basketball. I'll repeat for the people in the back: a soldier, with their service rifle, on an NBA hardwood. The guy showed up at his first practice asking where the locker rooms were... And went the wrong way. Twice. But the coach swears on everything holy that Optimus Prime has "something." We don't know what exactly, but he has "something." In the meantime, the guy runs around like a headless chicken, confuses the front line with the basketball, and has already racked up three technical fouls for trying to negotiate with the referee. The budget? It's "here, take my credit card and go nuts." The owner is a damn billionaire who wants a championship ring the way other people want a yacht. Every position is doubled up, every role player is a former All-Star, and the bench is so deep that the twelfth man on this team would start for half the league. It's an armada, a war machine, and everyone in this building knows that if these guys don't win the title, it's a goddamn scandal.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
80-112 (L)
Thanos, this do-it-all player, announced to huge cheers! A cathedral silence!
Bronny James gets a clean look but limited stamina costs the bucket!
This max-contract guy Stephen Curry gets pickpocketed facing the rim! Sloppy handling!
This up-and-coming baller Optimus Prime picks up the cheap foul! Hot head showing!
Stephen Curry storms to the bench! This world-class player is visibly upset!
Halftime! Bronny James has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. The staff told me Bronny James sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
Stephen Curry spins the damn ball into nothing! Tendency to force bad shots on full display tonight!
Optimus Prime jogs instead of sprints! Conserving energy for defending the front line tomorrow!
LeBron James passes to nobody! This global icon with a head-scratching decision!
LeBron James, this basketball god, with the frustrated foul! Lack of consistency in tough moments!
Optimus Prime pulls up past the media. This next-level player not in the mood to talk.
Bronny James closes his eyes walking out. LeBron James keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
117-99 (W)
And we're underway! Bronny James touches the leather first! This solid pro looks eager!
Bronny James, this well-respected player, with the exclamation-point and-one! Game changer!
This unknown gem Thanos comes up with a massive steal! Transition time!
This all-time great LeBron James zips the pass through! Another dime from this towering presence!
This hall-of-fame lock LeBron James recognizes the zone and attacks the gap! Genius!
Halftime. The doctor examines Thanos's shoulder while the others catch their breath. They say Thanos eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.
Thanos fades away and converts! A two-handed slam at the top of the key! Money!
You can cut the tension with a knife! Palpable tension as LeBron James steps up!
LeBron James, this tower, anchors the second unit! This absolute legend versatile contributor!
This hall-of-fame lock LeBron James channels the inner champion! Ridiculous creativity at its peak!
Thanos, this all-around player, carries the team to victory! MVP-level performance!
LeBron James and Bronny James chest bump so hard they each fly back three meters. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
118-107 (W)
This name that's buzzing Optimus Prime means business! Fast start along the baseline!
LeBron James answers back with a buzzer beater! Nerves of steel under pressure!
Bronny James anticipates the cut and deflects the basketball! This name that's buzzing reading minds!
Bronny James, this solid build, finds the rolling big man! A catch-and-shoot triple off the assist!
Stephen Curry shoots into the right spacing! Next-level basketball IQ and elite court awareness!
The players file out. Thanos exchanges a tense look with the coach. Fun fact: Thanos blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.
Optimus Prime with the step-back hook shot! Creating space like a soldier with their service rifle!
The road crowd tries to rally but Bronny James silences them! Palpable tension!
This elite player Stephen Curry tips it to the teammate! Eyes in the back of the head on full display!
Thanos, this diamond in the rough, answers every challenge! Nerves of steel never fading!
Stephen Curry can breathe! The win is secured, it's over!
Optimus Prime and Stephen Curry stare at each other in silence for five seconds. Then burst out laughing at the exact same time. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
107-110 (L)
Bronny James, this tweener, sets the tone immediately! Ridiculous creativity from the jump!
This dude out of nowhere Thanos goes to work from downtown! An and-one drops beautifully!
LeBron James loses the screen battle! Limited stamina around the picks!
A reverse layup attempt by Bronny James falls short! Injury-prone body in the legs!
Optimus Prime leads the charge back! Charging forward with soldier tenacity!
Rest time. Optimus Prime isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Anecdote: Optimus Prime once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
Stephen Curry can't convert in the closing moments! This headliner shrinks in the moment!
Thanos, this player nobody saw coming, barks at the teammate! Occasional mental lapses taking over!
Optimus Prime treats every possession like defending the front line, with care and precision!
Optimus Prime, this all-around player, forces a bad shot in overtime! Tendency to rush!
This living legend LeBron James shakes hands and moves on. In the end, shaky emotions under pressure proved costly.
Thanos sits on the floor in the hallway. Optimus Prime sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
90-116 (L)
Tip-off! Thanos gets us started! Let's go!
A two-handed slam by Thanos facing the rim is way off! Tough night for this who-is-this-guy player!
LeBron James throws it into the stands! What was that from this hall-of-fame lock!
Stephen Curry gets crossed over! This bonafide star left frozen under the basket!
Thanos with night-in night-out consistency finds the angle for a double-clutch layup!
Rest. Stephen Curry buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Rumor has it Stephen Curry does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
This unknown gem Thanos hangs the head after the miss! Deflated from downtown!
Stephen Curry fires a buzzer-beater on the low block but can't connect! Hot head showing!
Stephen Curry penetrates to the right spot! Next-level basketball IQ off-ball movement!
This absolute legend LeBron James can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
Bronny James walks off in silence. This up-and-coming baller gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Stephen Curry replays the score in his head on a loop. Optimus Prime tries to think about something else. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
101-113 (L)
LeBron James takes off with energy from the opening whistle! This household name locked in!
LeBron James, this beanpole, bobbles the ball and the chance evaporates from the right corner!
Stephen Curry, this swiss-army-knife type, gets called for the carry! Shaky emotions under pressure in ball-handling!
Bronny James lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this solid pro fooled!
A half-court heave from Bronny James! This league veteran is putting on a show tonight!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Stephen Curry to massage his thighs. Word is Stephen Curry sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Stephen Curry, this swiss-army-knife type, sits down hard on the bench! Occasional mental lapses written all over his face!
LeBron James goes to work the pill into the front rim! That's frustrating for this household name!
LeBron James, this towering presence, positions perfectly for the offensive rebound! Night-in night-out consistency!
This guy with a proven track record Bronny James stumbles! The fatigue is real after the allotted time!
Bronny James, this all-around player, trudges off the gym. Lessons to take from this one.
Bronny James stares at the floor while Stephen Curry mutters something inaudible under his breath. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
112-100 (W)
This franchise cornerstone LeBron James in the starting lineup! Let's see what this franchise cornerstone brings!
Thanos converts off the pick and roll! A tear drop with trademark an off-the-charts basketball IQ!
This well-respected player Optimus Prime with the screen navigation! Gets through and contests!
This hungry young player Thanos finds the open man! Assist and a fadeaway jumper!
Stephen Curry, this franchise guy, times the cut perfectly! Backdoor for a double-clutch layup!
Break. Thanos collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Did you know? Thanos tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
A free throw from Bronny James! Another dagger! This guy with a proven track record closing the door!
Standing room only! A crowd fully behind them as LeBron James takes over in transition!
Bronny James sacrifices the body taking the charge! This guy with a proven track record ultimate teammate!
Stephen Curry, this multi-time All-Star, has the crowd in the palm of the hand! An electric crowd!
Thanos grabs the game ball! This dude out of nowhere earned it tonight!
Stephen Curry blows a kiss to the camera. Optimus Prime blows twelve. Thanos blocks the lens. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
91-105 (L)
Stephen Curry, this max-contract guy, embraces the roaring arena! Game on!
Stephen Curry with a rough alley-oop under the basket! Ego the size of Texas at the worst time!
Optimus Prime loses the damn ball in traffic! This dude putting the league on notice can't afford that!
This guy everybody knows Stephen Curry gives up the offensive rebound! Tendency to force bad shots when boxing out!
LeBron James, this long boy, elevates for a monster hook shot!
Break. Thanos collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. I've been told Thanos always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
This world-class player Stephen Curry fouls hard out of frustration! Lack of consistency showing!
This reliable star Stephen Curry muscles up a half-court heave but can't get it to fall!
Stephen Curry, this world-class player, draws the double team and finds the open man! High IQ!
LeBron James, this absolute unit, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
LeBron James had the chances but couldn't convert. This living legend left wanting.
Stephen Curry isolates in a corner, back against the wall. Bronny James tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
99-120 (L)
LeBron James, this hall-of-fame lock, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Optimus Prime launches and misses! The orange isn't the front line, and it shows!
Bronny James coughs up the leather! Lack of consistency strikes again from way beyond the arc!
Thanos gets burned on the drive! Sometimes predictable game in lateral movement!
Optimus Prime converts a tough pull-up jumper off the pick and roll! Skill level: elite!
Into the tunnel. Optimus Prime grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Fun fact: Optimus Prime is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
Thanos dishes and kicks the stanchion! This dude out of nowhere losing composure!
Stephen Curry can't buy a bucket! Another miss along the baseline! Frustrating!
Stephen Curry, this solid build, exploits the mismatch along the baseline! Smart play!
Optimus Prime is spent! Used up like the front line after a soldier's long day!
Thanos, this combo guard, hangs the head. Tough loss despite a gym-rat work ethic effort.
LeBron James takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Bronny James doesn't drink. Throat too tight. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
79-113 (L)
The game begins and Optimus Prime is ready! You can see silky smooth technique written all over his face!
Stephen Curry forces a bad bucket! This franchise guy needs to trust teammates!
Stephen Curry, this tweener, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted driving to the hoop!
Optimus Prime can't stay in front! Defending the front line doesn't build lateral quickness!
Optimus Prime slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a soldier hits the workbench!
End of the first half. Thanos is beet red but still standing. Little secret: Thanos listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Thanos, this swiss-army-knife type, double-clutches and misses! Indecision from this who-is-this-guy player!
Optimus Prime slows down visibly! Slower than their service rifle on low power!
LeBron James with the errant pass! This once-in-a-lifetime player needs to settle down!
This player making noise Bronny James shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
LeBron James spins to the tunnel in disappointment. This basketball god will learn from this.
Bronny James takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. Thanos follows the same path. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
86-130 (L)
Game time! Stephen Curry and this world-class player ready to put on a show at the court!
This player on the come-up Bronny James short-arms a finger roll on the low block! Not enough lift!
Stephen Curry shoots into a trap! Limited stamina when reading the defense!
Optimus Prime gets posterized! A soldier framed by their service rifle in the worst way!
Bronny James lets fly angrily after the turnover! This well-respected player spiraling!
Halftime. LeBron James is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Fun fact: LeBron James got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
Bronny James with the off-balance two-handed slam! This seasoned vet couldn't set the feet!
Bronny James bends over during the dead ball! This guy with a proven track record gathering what's left!
Thanos, this combo guard, gets the ball poked away! Shaky emotions under pressure when protecting the damn ball!
Thanos mutters to himself walking back! This guy nobody was talking about fighting inner demons!
This league veteran Optimus Prime leaves the floor with head held high. Fought to the end.
Optimus Prime slams his fist on the bench. Stephen Curry places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
101-117 (L)
This guy with rings on every finger LeBron James catches the basketball early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Stephen Curry dunks but the shot rims out! Sometimes predictable game rears its ugly head!
Optimus Prime charges right into the defender! Turnover! Ego the size of Texas when controlling pace!
Optimus Prime overcommits! Going all-in like a soldier on the front line, but wrong!
Bronny James attacks under the basket and finishes with a reverse layup! Too good!
Back in the locker room, LeBron James sits down and stares at the ceiling. Little secret: LeBron James listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
Thanos, this do-it-all player, pounds the scorer's table! Sometimes predictable game on full display!
Optimus Prime, this versatile guy, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Thanos pushes the pace in transition! Insane court vision showing in every play!
LeBron James posts up but the legs won't cooperate! Occasional mental lapses catching up!
Stephen Curry, this top-tier talent, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Optimus Prime replays the score in his head on a loop. Bronny James tries to think about something else. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
91-110 (L)
LeBron James looks dialed in from the start! An unmatched feel for the game preparation showing!
LeBron James explodes and fires but misses everything! Injury-prone body tonight!
Stephen Curry with the lazy pass! Shaky emotions under pressure leading to easy points!
Stephen Curry, this smooth operator, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over sometimes predictable game!
A scoop layup by Thanos! The crowd erupts! A gym-rat work ethic personified!
Break! Bronny James heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Exclusive info: Bronny James is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Optimus Prime drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a soldier's spirit has limits!
This basketball god LeBron James rattles it out! So close yet so far in the paint!
This player nobody saw coming Thanos sets the back screen! Eyes in the back of the head off-ball contribution!
This guy with a proven track record Optimus Prime signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Sometimes predictable game!
Stephen Curry, this multi-time All-Star, takes the loss hard. Heavy feet at the wrong moments.
LeBron James isolates in a corner, back against the wall. Optimus Prime tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce LeBron James's name. Forgive me. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
101-106 (L)
Bronny James dribbles onto the floor! The crowd roars for this player making noise!
A floater from LeBron James from the right corner! That's a statement right there!
Bronny James, this combo guard, gets dunked on from mid-range! Poster material!
Optimus Prime rattles it out! Shaking the floor with their service rifle intensity!
Thanos, this hidden prospect, with the gutsy play! Clawing back one possession at a time!
End of the first act. Thanos is puffing like a steam engine heading back. They say Thanos eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
This respected competitor Optimus Prime gets called for the charge on a clutch free throw! Brutal!
Bronny James picks up the second technical! This seasoned vet ejected! Lack of consistency!
Bronny James is writing the story tonight! This name that's buzzing with a double-clutch layup back to the basket!
Optimus Prime bricks it when it matters! Their service rifle accuracy went home early!
This household name LeBron James congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this household name.
Stephen Curry sits on the bench, staring into nothing. LeBron James has his head in his hands. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
81-126 (L)
Optimus Prime locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a soldier who means business!
Stephen Curry, this All-Star caliber talent, comes up empty! A fadeaway jumper off target driving to the hoop!
Thanos with a wild pass that sails out! This player nobody saw coming giving it away!
Stephen Curry, this smooth operator, gets exploited in the switch! Limited stamina exposed in the mismatch!
Optimus Prime is visibly upset! Upset as a soldier when the front line goes sideways!
The players disappear. Thanos has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Small detail: Thanos whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
Optimus Prime sends it long! Too much power, not enough finesse from this soldier!
LeBron James fades away a step slower than usual! Injury-prone body in the tank!
This max-contract guy Stephen Curry with turnover number points! Heavy feet is piling up!
Thanos crosses over the towel! This player nobody saw coming showing occasional mental lapses!
Stephen Curry reflects on what could have been. Limited stamina the difference tonight.
Stephen Curry walks toward the tunnel without a word. Bronny James stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
My Team finishes #14 (3W-12L). Better luck next season! MVP: LeBron James.
Season journal
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