My dream football team — football_team 🇬🇧

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-0 (W)

The ref blows up! Chido Obi's shot is blocked by an arm in the box. Penalty, and you can't argue with that one. GOOOOAL from Jesse Lingard! ICE COLD penalty, he places it left, the keeper goes right. Total composure!

Chido Obi climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Jesse Lingard films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Tim Payne intercepts the ball, he was a step ahead of everyone on the pitch. Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. WIIIIIDE! Bruno Fernandes put plenty on it but the ball slides just past the frame of the goal.

Sergio Ramos jumps too early and comes back down before the ball arrives, the opponent profits and wins the duel. Alex Paulsen parries it back into the middle, that is dangerous! Sergio Ramos launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty.

Ayden Heaven throws himself into the passing lane and comes away with the ball. Phenomenal reading of the game. Short build-up from Ayden Heaven to Bruno Fernandes, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Bruno Fernandes sends the defender the wrong way with a stepover, that is technically brutal. Bruno Fernandes fires a powerful cross into the danger zone, Alex Rufer throws himself at it. It is heating up in the box. Header from Alex Rufer, it flies just past the post, he had to hit the target there.

Alex Paulsen sparks the transition with a quick throw to Bruno Fernandes, the break is lightning fast. Bruno Fernandes launches himself and thumps a dominant header on the cross. The opponent was still on the ground while Bruno Fernandes was flying. Lightning overlap from Bruno Fernandes, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides. Perfect pull-back from Bruno Fernandes, Jesse Lingard receives it facing goal inside the area. Dream scenario. Alex Paulsen palms the ball away with a firm hand. Corner. The attacker cannot believe it.

The physio announces the GPS stats: "Alex Paulsen has covered seven kilometres already." Alex Rufer shouts: "That is because {he} has been chasing their winger all half!" Alex Paulsen fires back: "At least I caught him, unlike you last week." Laughter all round. The gaffer taps the board. "Focus, lads. Same energy second half." Here's one for the ages — Alex Paulsen is the reigning champion of the dressing room biscuit dunking competition. His record is a full eleven-second dunk with a digestive. No breakage. At 193, his hand-to-mug coordination is genuinely world class. And now, our TV game show Only Fools and Quizzes! To win a genuine Reliant Robin air freshener, text 3678 and answer: 'In which year did Del Boy last say this time next year we will be millionaires and actually mean it?' The tunnel spits the players back onto the pitch one by one. Alex Paulsen comes out with that walk. You know the one. Shoulders back, chest out. Something has clicked.

Anthony Martial goes all in with the tackle but comes away with nothing but thin air. Alex Paulsen parries it weakly into the middle, the attacker is a whisker from opening the scoring! Tim Payne clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched.

Dan Burn with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! Dan Burn to Chido Obi, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages. Pass, pass, pass, back to the keeper... same old script.

The bench is screaming, the fans roaring, one last massive push. The keeper is up, Alex Paulsen getting ready to meet the corner with his head. Sergio Ramos wins his duel in the air and heads it down for Ayden Heaven. Aerial dominance in the service of the team. Sergio Ramos links up with Anthony Martial, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up.

The corner from Alex Rufer is snuffed out by the defence, a defender clears at the near post. Dan Burn clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep.

Monster clearance from Sergio Ramos! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. Rolling forward like a freight train, the opposition are hanging on. Bruno Fernandes curls a cross to the near post, Dan Burn is lurking in the box.

GET IN THERE! Alex Paulsen slides on his knees across the wet turf, Ayden Heaven piles on top, and suddenly half the squad is in a heap. The physio's already panicking about someone's hamstring. Paris Saint-Glinglin can only watch. That's what it means to this lot. Terry from Peckham says Del Boy has never once meant it and that's the beauty of it all. Enjoy the Reliant Robin air freshener, Terry! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

2-1 (W)

Concrete low block, even set pieces aren't getting through. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. Alex Rufer winds up and SMASHES it! The ball flies like a rocket and ends up smack in the goal. INCREDIBLE!

Alex Rufer does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Jesse Lingard launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Alex Paulsen arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

Bruno Fernandes sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. Bruno Fernandes dinks his cross over the centre-halves, Dan Burn arrives at full pace behind them. GOOOOAL! Dan Burn places his header from the cross by Chido Obi, immaculate!

Sideways, backwards, sideways again, the crowd is getting restless. The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. Tim Payne sends an aerial beauty to Jesse Lingard, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile.

Delicious through ball from Anthony Martial, the ball slides in behind the centre-halves and Jesse Lingard is there to gobble it up. Jesse Lingard drifts just offside as Anthony Martial plays the pass, the flag goes up. Agonising! A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent. Good ball from Sergio Ramos to Tim Payne, playing it quick between the lines.

Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. Alex Rufer threads the needle between the two centre-backs, Jesse Lingard bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. OHHH what a strike from Jesse Lingard! On target, thundering towards goal but the keeper stands firm. Huge save. Jesse Lingard takes the corner but the opposition defence is well organized, cleared.

Dan Burn is planning the celebration already. "If I score in the second half, I am doing the knee slide right in front of their lot," {he} tells Ayden Heaven, who replies: "Last time you tried that you pulled your hamstring." The dressing room erupts. The gaffer shakes his head. "Just score the goal, we will worry about the celebration later." In a baffling move, Ayden Heaven adopted a tortoise named Gary Lineker. At 20, the footballer insists Gary brings calm to the household, despite the tortoise doing absolutely nothing at all times. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 3737 and answer this question: 'What is the pH level of a Greggs steak bake?' And we are back underway! Anthony Martial jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

Perfectly executed challenge by Dan Burn, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb. Phenomenal run from Dan Burn, he cuts through the midfield like a hot knife through butter.

Intelligent short corner from Bruno Fernandes to Dan Burn, they refuse the aerial cross. Perfect cut-back from Dan Burn, Jesse Lingard receives it on the deck in acres of space. Dream scenario. NOOOOO Jesse Lingard! The goal was empty, Sergio Ramos puts it on his foot and he blazes it over the bar! A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all.

What a block! Sergio Ramos slides in with impeccable timing and takes the ball away. That's defending at its finest. Sergio Ramos slides a beauty through the gap, Jesse Lingard is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. Jesse Lingard goes for it and fires! Wide, just to the left of goal. Not far off at all. We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough.

Absolutely dreadful! México No-Era-Penal score and we have only ourselves to blame.

Alex Paulsen runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Tim Payne joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. Sergio Ramos puts Jesse Lingard into orbit with a laser-guided through ball. The kind of pass that lifts an entire stadium to its feet. Jesse Lingard wants to find Alex Rufer between the lines but the weight is all wrong. Intercepted.

Free kick played short, Bruno Fernandes to Jesse Lingard, they bypass the wall with the combination. Jesse Lingard shifts it to Anthony Martial with a short pass, threading it between two defenders.

What a performance! Dan Burn exchanges jerseys with the México No-Era-Penal skipper — firm handshake, quiet word, respect between competitors. Then he turns and unleashes a primal scream at the sky. Alex Paulsen just laughs. "He does that every time we win," he tells the camera. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Colin Flannel-Trousers, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the pH level of a Greggs steak bake?'. The answer was of course off the scale entirely, scientists refuse to measure it on moral grounds. Colin wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

3-2 (W)

Oh no, Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score! Their forward was left completely unmarked, schoolboy defending.

Alex Paulsen legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Bruno Fernandes tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Bruno Fernandes presses high and the defender loses the ball under pressure. It is simple, it is effective, it is intensity football. Sharp cut inside from Bruno Fernandes, the defender is left rooted to the spot. That is nasty. GOOOOAL from Bruno Fernandes! On the inswinging cross from Jesse Lingard, he places his shot along the ground and the ball is in!

Perfect back flip from Bruno Fernandes right in front of the home end, five-star landing. Dan Burn tries the same behind him, lands flat on his arse, the whole squad doubled over laughing. Even Alex Paulsen has made it up, hands on knees, breathless. Proper scenes.

Clinical interception from Dan Burn, he cuts out the pass between the opposition lines and breaks forward on the counter. The crowd loves it, and rightly so. Key pass from Dan Burn! It fizzes between the lines and Ayden Heaven collects on the run, the defence is left for dead. GOOOAL! Ayden Heaven sneaks in front of the keeper and diverts the ball with the tip of his boot. No keeper can do better!

Dan Burn rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Sergio Ramos jumps on his back, Alex Paulsen is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

They've done it! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Alex Paulsen points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. Sergio Ramos comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

Every player defending like their life depends on it, the block stands firm. Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. GOOOOOAL! Chido Obi places it inside the post from the cross by Bruno Fernandes, the keeper was well positioned but had no chance!

Chido Obi mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Alex Rufer plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Alex Paulsen plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

Alex Rufer is telling anyone who will listen about the nutmeg {he} put on their centre-half. "Did you see his face? Mate, he looked like he had seen a ghost!" Chido Obi adds: "The poor lad is probably still turning." The gaffer lets the banter flow. Happy dressing room, happy results. Roommates on away trips confirm Dan Burn sleepwalks to the hotel minibar and eats all the Pringles unconsciously. At 34, the lad has no memory of it and denies the crumb evidence every single time. And now, our TV game show Homes Under the Hammer Price! To win a doorknob from a house that needed a lot of work, text 0800FIXER and answer: 'What does a lot of potential mean in estate agent language?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Alex Rufer high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

Last roll of the dice, legs are gone but the belief is still there. Right-footed cross from Bruno Fernandes, the ball bends beautifully into the box and seeks out Jesse Lingard. Jesse Lingard crosses too far from the target, the ball drifts towards the opposite touchline. Authoritative clearance from Tim Payne in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards.

The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. Clumsy challenge from Bruno Fernandes, stands on the opponent's foot. Unintentional but still a foul. Bruno Fernandes pretends to strike and lays it off to Jesse Lingard, well worked short free kick. Jesse Lingard takes on his man with a sharp turn, one touch and it is done. Clean. JUST WIIIIIDE from Jesse Lingard! Right idea but it slides past the far post by inches.

Crunching tackle by Tim Payne on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it. Tim Payne picks out Ayden Heaven with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Ayden Heaven eliminates his opponent with a short piece of skill, absolutely surgical. Ayden Heaven pulls the opponent back as he tries to break. Cynical but necessary. Ayden Heaven finally goes into the book. Third foul, the ref had enough of it.

Intense pressing, the defender panics and lumps it anywhere. Lovely interception from Ayden Heaven, he anticipated the movement and cut off the pass before it reached its target. Ayden Heaven opens up to Dan Burn on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Textbook tackle from Dan Burn there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted.

Tackle miles off from Anthony Martial, absolutely done in by the attacker's quick feet. Alex Paulsen grazes the leather with his fingertips and turns it over! World class goalkeeping. The corner from Dan Burn is met by a defender who volleys it out for a throw-in.

Quick exchange between Tim Payne and Chido Obi, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Chido Obi spots the gap and sends Bruno Fernandes into it with a perfectly weighted pass. The channel is wide open. Bruno Fernandes sets it for Tim Payne, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Tim Payne slips Ayden Heaven in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever.

Dan Burn lights the fuse with a cutting pass for Ayden Heaven down the channel. The defence is caught cold, it is over for them. Flag up! Ayden Heaven was beyond the last man when Tim Payne released the pass. Anthony Martial scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive.

It's over and we've won it! Alex Rufer grabs the corner flag and plants it at the centre spot like he's claiming new territory. Jesse Lingard pretends to salute. The fans are in absolute stitches. The manager pretends to be annoyed but you can see him smirking. Top, top scenes. Pauline from Wakefield says a lot of potential means the roof is missing and there may be foxes living in the bathroom. Doorknob for Pauline! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

2-1 (W)

Beautiful distribution from Alex Paulsen to Tim Payne, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. The opponent beats Tim Payne to the near post and wins the header. Tim Payne was caught on his heels. What a DOWNWARD header from Sergio Ramos! Sumptuous header on the cross from Chido Obi, the ball dies in the bottom corner. GOAL!

Alex Paulsen stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Ayden Heaven comes over and hugs him without a word.

Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Jesse Lingard reads the movement from Bruno Fernandes and puts the ball right into the pocket of space. Game intelligence off the charts. OHHH the GOAL from Bruno Fernandes! On the gift from Chido Obi, he opens up his foot and sends the ball to the far post. SUMPTUOUS!

Jesse Lingard stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Dan Burn follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Alex Paulsen plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end. Bruno Fernandes shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for Jesse Lingard. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces. Jesse Lingard looks for Tim Payne but the pass is way too long, that is going out for a throw-in.

Rapid break, the defenders are still trying to find their marks. Bruno Fernandes hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust. Bruno Fernandes loses the ball trying to dribble, the defender was the smarter of the two. Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered.

It's a goal for Dakar Teranga FC! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

The gaffer strolls into the dressing room with a grin wider than the Stretford End. Jesse Lingard is sprawled on the bench like {he} just won the pools. "More of the same, lads, more of the same," says the boss, tapping the tactics board once for emphasis. Someone chucks a towel at Anthony Martial and the whole room erupts. Proper buzzing in here. We can confirm that Alex Paulsen owns a caravan called 'The Palace' which is parked permanently in a field near Whitby. It has no running water, a portable telly, and a signed photo of Peter Crouch. At 193, he can barely stand up inside it. And now, our TV game show Tipping Pointless! To win a B&Q gift card worth exactly one paintbrush, text 0800DIY and answer: 'How many trips to B&Q does it take to finish a single shelf?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Dan Burn leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Bruno Fernandes launches it to Bruno Fernandes on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality. What a ball from Tim Payne! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and Jesse Lingard is away on his own. That is velvet. Jesse Lingard bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket.

Anthony Martial triggers a change of flanks for Jesse Lingard, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Aerial duel won by Jesse Lingard, he outmuscles his opponent in the air. Aerial power is his bread and butter. Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end. SHOOOOOT from Anthony Martial, it's heading for the corner but the keeper gets across and tips it wide!

Free kick from Alex Rufer played as a cross, Bruno Fernandes positions himself at the far post. Aerial duel lost by Bruno Fernandes, he misjudged the flight of the ball and the opponent pounced. COLOSSAL save from Alex Paulsen! The keeper reacted in a split second on that thunderbolt.

Rapid combination: Chido Obi to Bruno Fernandes, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Bruno Fernandes spreads the play and finds Alex Rufer in a motorway on the left flank. The defence is stretched thin. Alex Rufer plays it simple to Jesse Lingard, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Jesse Lingard puts it right into the feet of Chido Obi, one touch and away. Silky stuff.

Alex Rufer spreads it to Ayden Heaven, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Ayden Heaven tries the power drive and BOOOOM! On target but the keeper gets down and blocks. Saved! Corner from Ayden Heaven, good delivery but the defence reads it well and clears.

Alex Paulsen launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Tim Payne after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. One touch football: Tim Payne to Chido Obi, faster than the opposition can think. Chido Obi gifts Dan Burn a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal.

Get in! Tim Payne and Alex Rufer do the customary shirt swap with a couple of Dakar Teranga FC players — handshakes, mutual respect, the lot. Then Tim Payne turns to the home end and cups his ears. The roar nearly takes the roof off. Pub's gonna be lively tonight. Steve from Sunderland says at least seven trips and that's before you realize you bought the wrong screws. The gift card is his! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

2-2 (L)

Blistering solo run from Chido Obi, he covers sixty yards on his own, beating three defenders. PENALTY for Chido Obi! He enters the box, the defender brings him down and the referee points to the spot! No DOUBT about it, it is a penalty. The pressure is ENORMOUS. GOOOAL! Chido Obi sends the penalty in with a POWERFUL and PRECISE strike! The keeper was beaten. CONVERTED!

Chido Obi legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Anthony Martial tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Ball recovered and they've gone from end to end in the blink of an eye. Jesse Lingard finds the gap and serves Anthony Martial in behind the last man. That is three-cushion snooker, that is. Delicate lob from Anthony Martial, the ball floats over the keeper and dies in the back of the net. ABSOLUTE class, that is Panenka in open play.

Bruno Fernandes does not fancy the shot and goes short to Tim Payne, trying to disorganise the defence. Tim Payne beats his man with a sharp outside cut, the skill is absolutely effortless. Tim Payne rolls it to Chido Obi, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. The one-two between Chido Obi and Bruno Fernandes blows the defensive block apart. Give, run, return, done. Clinical.

Oh it's gone in! Douala Makossa-Corner find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

'I told you so' mode. Alex Paulsen eyeballs the Douala Makossa-Corner bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Jesse Lingard pulls Alex Paulsen away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking. Alex Rufer takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race. Lob from Alex Rufer over the entire defence, Dan Burn finds himself in acres of space. Everything is on. Lovely take from Alex Paulsen! He comes off his line and claims the cross, clean as a whistle. Short restart from Alex Paulsen to Tim Payne, building from the back nice and tidy.

Tactical debate in the corner. Ayden Heaven wants to push higher. Chido Obi reckons they will get done on the counter. The gaffer listens to both, arms folded, then makes the call: "We push up. Chido Obi, you cover. If they break, you are the last man. No arguments." The room goes quiet. Orders received. A cracking detail — Ayden Heaven, standing at 189, once tried to fix a leaky tap in the dressing room and flooded the entire physio area. He blamed the water pressure, which is the most British excuse anyone has ever given for anything. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 9494 and answer this question: 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Alex Rufer is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Alex Rufer delivers a tidy ball to Anthony Martial, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Strike from Anthony Martial that thuds into the defensive wall. The defender threw himself in without fear. Ayden Heaven sends the corner in but a defender gets there first and heads it out for a throw. Sergio Ramos absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime.

Firm pass from Chido Obi into Ayden Heaven, right into the boots. No waste. Ayden Heaven turns the game on its head with one razor-sharp pass for Sergio Ramos. The defence did not even have time to blink. Offside against Sergio Ramos! But that is so tight it's almost criminal! Bruno Fernandes is beside himself. Tidy restart from Alex Paulsen along the deck to Ayden Heaven, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Ayden Heaven shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class.

Jesse Lingard chips his cross over the back line, Tim Payne is at the far post, free as a bird. Tim Payne goes for goal of the season with the volley and it flies over. The stadium applauds anyway, that was special. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions.

Anthony Martial finds Tim Payne between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Tim Payne switches the play to Ayden Heaven on the far side, superb crossfield ball! Ayden Heaven dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution. Ayden Heaven goes into bullet-train mode and drives the length of the pitch. That is breathtaking.

Intense pressing from Jesse Lingard, he wins the ball back thirty yards from goal. Jesse Lingard shakes off the defender with a sharp cut, the path is clear. SHOOOOT from Jesse Lingard... just wide! Shaves the post, so close to going in.

GOAL! Douala Makossa-Corner have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

'I told you so' mode. Alex Paulsen eyeballs the Douala Makossa-Corner bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Jesse Lingard pulls Alex Paulsen away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

That is a tackle of the highest order from Dan Burn. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic. What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. What a hit from Chido Obi! Absolute ROCKEEEET, on target but the keeper somehow claws it away!

Draw. Chido Obi takes the time to shake every Douala Makossa-Corner player's hand, one by one — old habit, old manners. Anthony Martial follows suit. The screens show the stats: possession 50, shots on target 4 each. Perfect mirror. Neither side deserved more. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?'. The answer was of course 900 degrees Celsius, which is why the British stare at the floor numbers with such intensity. Maureen wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

2-2 (L)

Chido Obi plays the simple ball to Sergio Ramos, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Sergio Ramos pulls it back along the ground for Chido Obi, that is the perfect cut-back! GOOOOOAL for Chido Obi! On the genius pass from Alex Rufer, he beats the keeper with a placed finish, MAGNIFICENT!

Chido Obi climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Anthony Martial films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Step-overs from Bruno Fernandes followed by an explosion of pace, the defender buys the feint and eats the dust. Bruno Fernandes treats himself! He beats half the opposition team and finishes on his own, GOAL!

Bruno Fernandes stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Alex Rufer comes over and hugs him without a word.

Alex Rufer delivers an inswinging free kick, Chido Obi at the back post tries to get on the end of it. Header from Chido Obi, he did everything right except the finish! It goes wide, the keeper thanks the woodwork. Jesse Lingard hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! Ayden Heaven wins his aerial duel with fierce determination, he outmuscles the attacker and comes away with possession.

Defensive organization is perfect, the opposition hits a brick wall. Brilliant tackle from Dan Burn! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending. Little shift from Dan Burn to Bruno Fernandes, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Ball over the top from Bruno Fernandes, Alex Rufer had timed the run half a second early and the timing is perfection.

We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. The ball pings around but the defenders are barely breaking sweat. Anthony Martial gives it to Bruno Fernandes into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. It falls apart for Bruno Fernandes, the pass goes the wrong way entirely, the opponent recovers and starts again.

"Sixty-two percent possession and not a single clear chance. You are passing it around like a game of piggy in the middle!" The gaffer slams the stats sheet on the table. Alex Paulsen winces. Tim Payne looks away. Something has got to change and everyone in this room knows it. Bruno Fernandes once tweeted 'rate my Sunday roast' and the entire internet destroyed the 32-year-old for putting the Yorkshire puddings on a separate plate. The tweet was deleted within eleven minutes. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 5555 and answer this question: 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Alex Rufer sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

Sergio Ramos produces a sensational tackle in the box, wins the ball, no penalty shout. That takes serious courage. Fast break, one-touch football, they've cut them to ribbons. Bruno Fernandes powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated. Bruno Fernandes floats a cross in from the wing for Tim Payne, the ball hangs in the box!

Oh that's terrible! Lagos No-Carry-Last score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

Bruno Fernandes changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Dan Burn. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Magnificent leap from Dan Burn who dominates the aerial duel. When he takes off like that, nobody stands a chance. They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. Alex Rufer picks it up and goes coast to coast like a man possessed. Nobody is stopping him.

Alex Rufer delivers, it's a scramble! The ball ricochets off shins and heads, defense finally boots it away! Jesse Lingard hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match. Groans from the stands, this possession is going nowhere. Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill. They've grabbed the game by the scruff of the neck now.

Alex Paulsen throws it out quickly to Chido Obi, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Diagonal from Chido Obi to Bruno Fernandes, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Good run from Bruno Fernandes who crosses to the near post for Dan Burn. The defender is beaten to it.

GOAL! Lagos No-Carry-Last have netted! Their forward pounced on the loose ball. Clinical.

Alex Paulsen runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Anthony Martial joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

The corner from Jesse Lingard is claimed by a defender at the near post, nothing comes of it. Sergio Ramos heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one. Sergio Ramos looks up and launches a long pass towards Ayden Heaven. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Lay-off from Ayden Heaven to Jesse Lingard, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Fantastic high recovery from Jesse Lingard, he sprinted twenty yards to go and rip the ball away. The effort is immense.

1-1. Chido Obi and Jesse Lingard are the last two off the pitch, as ever. The stadium is nearly empty, a groundsman is starting to fold up the advertising boards. "Next time," says Chido Obi. "Next time," replies Jesse Lingard. And they vanish into the tunnel. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Gerald Musty-Carpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?'. The answer was of course the M42, originally called the Badger's Lament until the council shortened it. Gerald wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

3-2 (W)

Chido Obi tears into the opposition build-up, running everywhere, and ends up stealing the ball. That man is a guard dog. Chido Obi follows up the play perfectly on the strike from Bruno Fernandes! The keeper parries, he prods it in. GOAL!

Chido Obi fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. Bruno Fernandes plays the medic running in. Alex Paulsen plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

Dan Burn sees everything, understands everything, and intercepts at the perfect moment. That is the kind of player who makes a team unbeatable. Absolute peach from Dan Burn, threading it through for Bruno Fernandes, the centre-halves are done for! GOOOAL for Bruno Fernandes! He read the trajectory and slides the ball past the keeper. STRIKER'S goal!

Sergio Ramos with the last-ditch tackle, gets every bit of the ball and none of the man. The ref's happy, we're happy. Solo charge from Sergio Ramos, he sets off from midfield and arrives in the opposition box. GOAL! What a LOB from Sergio Ramos! On the pass from Bruno Fernandes, he spots the keeper off his line and chips it with the TOP of his foot. The ball drops just on the line and goes in. CLASSY!

Sergio Ramos spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Anthony Martial gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Corner from Alex Rufer into the danger area but a defender heads it away, dealt with. Magnificent reading of the game from Tim Payne, he intercepts between the lines and launches the counter. That kind of action turns a match on its head. Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart.

Anthony Martial drops a lofted ball to Bruno Fernandes, it sails over the entire midfield line. Bruno Fernandes lofts a cross into the box, Anthony Martial is there, sandwiched between two defenders, ready to pounce. Anthony Martial rises above his marker and wins the header! He got up higher than everyone.

The boss pulls Bruno Fernandes aside: "You have been absolutely magnificent out there, mate. 32 years old and running the show like you own the place. Keep doing what you are doing." Bruno Fernandes just nods, half-smile on {his} face, the quiet confidence of someone who knows {he} is having a blinder. We can exclusively reveal that Chido Obi, standing 181, owns a pair of lucky pants that he's worn under his kit for three consecutive seasons. They're held together by hope and a single thread, but the results speak for themselves. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Be a Milliner! To win a Primark bag full of reduced Percy Pigs from M&S, text 0800PORK and answer: 'How many Percy Pigs can you fit in a shopping trolley?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Bruno Fernandes sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

What a mess! Barranquilla Toque-Toque capitalise on that blunder. We are our own worst enemy.

Alex Paulsen fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. Anthony Martial plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

Dan Burn refuses to give up, sprints all the way back and arrives just in time to make the tackle. Dan Burn commits the tactical foul without hesitation. The bench nods in approval. Dan Burn picks up a yellow card for a clinical foul. Stopped the danger, paid the price. Dan Burn tries the free kick but the wall is well positioned and blocks it. That's that. The corner from Jesse Lingard comes to nothing, the defence clears at the first post.

Stunning tackle by Dan Burn in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. Transition play in overdrive, they're at the edge of the box already. Bruno Fernandes puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins. Bruno Fernandes reaches the byline and cuts it back for Anthony Martial arriving from the second wave.

Nightmare! Barranquilla Toque-Toque score! That goal was coming, we've been under the cosh.

Alex Paulsen dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

The team in a low block is impenetrable, every cross dealt with. Huge tackle from Dan Burn! Went through the back door and nicked the ball before the striker could get his shot away. Wicked through ball from Dan Burn, the ball skims the grass and finds Tim Payne who had set off before anyone else even noticed. Tim Payne rifles one in, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper comes up big. Corner to the attacking side.

Alex Paulsen distributes short to Jesse Lingard, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Smooth transition from Jesse Lingard to Dan Burn, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Dan Burn drops the defender with a fake shot. Clever as you like.

The free kick from Alex Rufer is a dangerous one, Chido Obi meets it on the volley inside the six-yard box. Chido Obi loses his duel in the air on the cross, the opponent got better positioning. SAVE from Alex Paulsen! The attacker had a go but the keeper produced a MONUMENTAL hand.

What a result against Barranquilla Toque-Toque! Alex Paulsen walks over to the travelling support, puts his hand on his heart, and bows. Dan Burn follows and throws his boots into the crowd. Some lad in row G is going home with a size 9 souvenir. Scenes. Sharon from Basildon says two hundred and six Percy Pigs, which she verified personally last Saturday. Primark bag and all, she's the winner! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-1 (L)

The ball from Tim Payne rips through the defensive curtain, Dan Burn is flying into the space like an arrow. Dan Burn looks at the keeper, sees the angle, and places his shot! It is in, IT IS A GREAT GOAL!

Tim Payne mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Alex Rufer raises Tim Payne's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Alex Paulsen plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

Tim Payne clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive. Foul by Jesse Lingard, he had to make that challenge to stop the break. Tactical.

Blistering run from Bruno Fernandes on the wing, the defender is chasing but never catches up. Bruno Fernandes dives in the penalty area, hoping to con the referee. Not today, son. Bruno Fernandes booked for simulation, he was looking for a penalty and found a yellow card instead. Bruno Fernandes plays a low free kick into the box, Jesse Lingard cuts across to meet it in front of goal.

Alex Paulsen hoofs it forward towards Anthony Martial, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Wing switch from Anthony Martial, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Sergio Ramos brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Cross from Sergio Ramos, he puts it on the far post for Tim Payne. Tim Payne tries a powerful cross but the defender is there and blocks everything.

No let-up now, balls raining into the penalty area nonstop. Everything on the line, Alex Paulsen is up, nothing to lose now. What a leap from Sergio Ramos! He rises above the lot and wins the header with royal composure. Sergio Ramos slides it to Tim Payne, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

The dressing room is silent apart from the fizz of isotonic drinks being opened and the squeak of boots on tiles. Jesse Lingard is biting {his} nails in the corner. Alex Paulsen stares at the ceiling like it holds the answers to everything. The gaffer lets the silence do its work before delivering his half-time talk. Tim Payne once tweeted 'rate my Sunday roast' and the entire internet destroyed the 32-year-old for putting the Yorkshire puddings on a separate plate. The tweet was deleted within eleven minutes. And now, our TV game show Bargain Hunt for Socks! To win a multipack of sensible socks from Primark, text 0800SOCK and answer: 'How many odd socks does the average British household have at any given time?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Chido Obi leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Ayden Heaven lays it off first time to Jesse Lingard, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Jesse Lingard keeps it short to Bruno Fernandes, no frills, just good football intelligence. Bruno Fernandes takes on the defender in tight quarters and comes out on top. Pure talent. Bruno Fernandes tries to dribble in too tight a space and gets the ball nicked off him.

What a SHAMBLES in the box after Bruno Fernandes's corner! Bodies everywhere, somehow the defense holds! Ayden Heaven boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there. Sterile football, looks like a testimonial out there.

Ayden Heaven launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. Emergency clearance from Ayden Heaven, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe. Anthony Martial tries to get up for the duel but the attacker beats him to the header. The timing was off. Sergio Ramos sends a furious header but the ball sails over the bar. So close yet so far.

Unbelievable! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa score from nowhere. Their striker just smashed it in.

Alex Rufer bounces off Ayden Heaven, gets it back in stride, and it is done. The kind of combination that makes football beautiful. One laser pass from Alex Rufer and the entire defence is eliminated, Jesse Lingard is through on goal. The space is enormous. Jesse Lingard is given offside by the width of a bootlace, Dan Burn is shaking his head. Short distribution from Alex Paulsen to Alex Rufer, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. Aerial duel won by Alex Rufer, he absolutely dominates in the air against the defender.

Dan Burn reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. Sideways ball from Dan Burn to Anthony Martial, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Anthony Martial looks for Chido Obi with a ball in behind but it is massively overhit. The opposition keeper collects without moving. They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass.

Draw against Montevideo Garra-Charrúa. Anthony Martial kisses the club badge as he passes the home end — a gesture for the fans, regardless. Ayden Heaven does the same. The squad stays tight, the season rolls on. Nights like this, you close ranks. Janet from Wolverhampton says twenty-three odd socks at minimum and that's a conservative estimate. Primark multipack for Janet! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

2-2 (L)

GOAAAL! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío make it count! Sliced through us like a hot knife through butter.

Alex Paulsen kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Jesse Lingard takes a knee behind him. Alex Paulsen raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Wall combination between Dan Burn and Chido Obi, fluid, rapid, and it creates an overload going forward. GOOOOL from Dan Burn! Massive right-footed strike, the ball almost rips the net off. GOOOOAL!

Dan Burn legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Chido Obi tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Disaster! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

Quick one-two between Tim Payne and Bruno Fernandes, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Low cut-back from Bruno Fernandes, Bruno Fernandes arrives at pace and can hit it first time. Bruno Fernandes winds up and FIIIIRES! Placed strike, the ball slides into the bottom corner, OPENING GOAAAAL!

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment Tim Payne strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. Anthony Martial points at it, jaw on the floor. Alex Paulsen shakes his head, not believing it.

Rainbow flick from Chido Obi, he clips the ball over the defender with his heel. The crowd erupts. Lovely use of the ball by Chido Obi, finding Bruno Fernandes in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Shifting pass from Bruno Fernandes to Jesse Lingard, the ball drifts into the free zone and Jesse Lingard is onto it in two strides.

Studious atmosphere in the dressing room. The coach has his tablet out, replaying clips: "Look, Dan Burn, there is acres of space on the overlap and you go back inside every time. Use the width." Dan Burn takes the note. The game is there for the taking if they can just find the key. Quite remarkable — Bruno Fernandes got into a heated argument at a car boot sale over a secondhand George Foreman grill. Apparently he haggled for twenty minutes, paid three quid, and considers it the greatest negotiation of his career. The man is 32 years old. And now, our TV game show Taskmaster of the Obvious! To win a laminated bus timetable from 2019, text 4678 and answer: 'How early should you arrive at a bus stop to guarantee the bus has already left?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Ayden Heaven is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Tight-knit defense, compact shape, the opposition has to shoot from distance. They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. Powerful run from Bruno Fernandes down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there. Bruno Fernandes looks up and swings in a floated cross, Anthony Martial rises among the defenders. Cross from Anthony Martial far too long, the ball flies through the entire box without finding anyone.

Ball stolen and released forward, it's an absolute rocket of a counter. Overlap from Jesse Lingard on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed. Neat lay-off from Jesse Lingard for Sergio Ramos in the box, the ball is on a plate, clean as a whistle. Sergio Ramos unleashes an ABSOLUUUUTE CANNON! On target but the keeper gets a strong hand to it. Corner.

Line-breaking pass from Bruno Fernandes! The ball slices through the centre-halves and Chido Obi picks it up at full pace. Devastating. Chido Obi thought he'd timed it perfectly, but the linesman disagrees. Offside on Sergio Ramos's pass. Alex Paulsen goes long for Ayden Heaven, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Ayden Heaven sniffs out the danger and produces a wonderfully timed challenge. Not a hint of a foul.

The corner from Bruno Fernandes is cut out at the near post by a defender, no danger. Monumental ball from Anthony Martial to Sergio Ramos, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Overlap from Sergio Ramos with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel. The dribble from Sergio Ramos fools nobody, the defender collects comfortably. Classy interception from Anthony Martial, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time.

Dan Burn sees the gap and puts the ball right through it. Chido Obi is racing into the channel, the defence is watching the train leave the station. Chido Obi is flagged and it's the tightest of calls, Dan Burn's pass was beautifully weighted too. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare. Dan Burn feeds Ayden Heaven in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling.

Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. Majestic individual run from Bruno Fernandes, he cuts through the pitch like an arrow. Bruno Fernandes shapes up and hits it, just wide but it grazed the bar. The technique was there, the finish just wasn't. Alex Paulsen distributes by hand to Anthony Martial on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Anthony Martial wins the aerial battle against the attacker, he jumped earlier, higher, and stronger. Total domination.

Jesse Lingard pings a long diagonal to Ayden Heaven, completely shifts the point of attack. Magnificent shift from Ayden Heaven! Tim Payne picks it up in space, no marker in sight, the pitch is his. Tim Payne takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race. Cut-back from Tim Payne, the ball zips across the box at ground level to Jesse Lingard.

Points shared. Alex Rufer sits on the grass for a full minute, staring up at the floodlights. Bruno Fernandes crouches beside him: "Come on mate, let's get inside. Tuesday's another game." Long season. Draws happen. Nobody's thrilled, nobody's devastated. Leonard from Barnsley says fifteen minutes early guarantees the bus left fourteen minutes ago. Laminated timetable for Leonard! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

2-1 (W)

Absolutely immense from Tim Payne! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back. Lightning counter, striker's away on his bike and the defence is chasing shadows. GOOOAL! Jesse Lingard onto the pass from Anthony Martial produces a lob for the AGES! The keeper is beaten through the air, the ball descends slowly and nestles in the net. BEAUTIFUL, GRAND, MAGNIFICENT!

Tim Payne runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Alex Rufer gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

High recovery from Alex Rufer, he ran himself into the ground to go and win that ball. The defender never saw him coming. Possession flipped in a heartbeat, textbook transition football. GOOOOOAL! Anthony Martial turns into a FOX in the box! The ball was loose, he prods it in, simple as that!

Monster clearance from Alex Paulsen, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Anthony Martial. Aerial duel lost by Anthony Martial, he was nudged in the back and could not get a proper jump in. Alex Paulsen stretches horizontally and tips the shot away with an extended arm. Cat-like! Corner from Bruno Fernandes, header from Anthony Martial at the penalty spot but it is off target. He should have scored.

Jesse Lingard pulls out a backheel nutmeg in open play, the ball goes through the defender's legs with the heel. WOOOW Jesse Lingard launches a missile! On target, the ball is fizzing but the keeper tips it around the post!

Oh the keeper comes out and misses Bruno Fernandes's corner! Scramble on the line, a defender hacks it away! Almighty boot from Chido Obi who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe. Frustration boiling over in the stands, going in circles for ten minutes. Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. The away end has gone ominously quiet, this side is on top now.

Alex Paulsen is planning the celebration already. "If I score in the second half, I am doing the knee slide right in front of their lot," {he} tells Dan Burn, who replies: "Last time you tried that you pulled your hamstring." The dressing room erupts. The gaffer shakes his head. "Just score the goal, we will worry about the celebration later." Now this is properly British — Bruno Fernandes once spent an entire bank holiday Monday sitting in a car park in the rain, eating a Cornish pasty and listening to TalkSport. When asked why, he simply said 'because it's a bank holiday.' The lad is 32 and gets it. And now, our TV game show Motorway Service Station Bingo! To win a Costa loyalty card with one stamp, text 4567 and answer: 'What is the minimum price of a sandwich at a motorway services?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Chido Obi wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

Dan Burn launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out. Royal interception from Tim Payne! He positions himself in the passing corridor and plucks the ball out of thin air. Massive clearance from Tim Payne, just get the ball as far away as possible. The opposition defenders could grab a brew, nothing is happening.

Superb defensive work from Dan Burn there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal. Chido Obi tries the curler... it bends beautifully but slides just past the post. AGONISING. The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. They're turning this into a siege, the keeper's going to be busy.

Bruno Fernandes gives it to Alex Rufer who returns it first time, Bruno Fernandes ghosts past his man like he does not exist. Bruno Fernandes accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides. Foul by Bruno Fernandes in the middle of the park, breaks up a promising move. Bruno Fernandes combines with Bruno Fernandes from the free kick, the little pass takes the wall out of the equation.

It's in! Rio Malandro FC take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

Alex Paulsen and Sergio Ramos do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Alex Paulsen arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

Bruno Fernandes plants his studs on the attacker's ankle. That's as bad as it gets. Booking for Bruno Fernandes. Went in high with the forearm, the opponent felt that. Free kick swung in by Bruno Fernandes, the ball travels across the six-yard box and Alex Rufer is lurking. Aerial duel won by Alex Rufer in his own box. He took the lift to the top floor and cleaned up everything.

Alex Paulsen rolls it short to Bruno Fernandes into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. With one swing of the boot, Bruno Fernandes finds Chido Obi on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. Chido Obi delivers a tidy ball to Anthony Martial, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work.

Full time, full joy! Bruno Fernandes walks the entire touchline high-fiving every fan who leans over the barrier. Sergio Ramos carries a little kid onto the pitch for a photo — nobody's sure whose kid it is, but everyone's smiling. Rio Malandro FC are yesterday's news. Tony from Warwick says eight pounds fifty for a cheese sandwich the size of a postage stamp. Costa loyalty card for Tony! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

2-1 (W)

Surging run from Anthony Martial from the centre circle, he destroys everything in his path. What a spectacle. Anthony Martial storms into the box and the defender UNBALANCES him! The referee awards a penalty! The player gets up, the stadium is SILENT, everyone is holding their breath. Penalty from Anthony Martial! He fires it hard under the bar, the keeper was on the right line but it was TOO POWERFUL. GOAL!

Anthony Martial sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. Sergio Ramos snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. Alex Paulsen waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

Tim Payne with a trademark slide tackle, gets the ball and pops straight back up. The fans are on their feet! They're away in transition, pace to burn, it's like watching a freight train. Anthony Martial spots the keeper off his line and tries the LOB! It clears him! GOAL! The ball sails over the keeper by an inch and drops just behind him. The AUDACITY of that finish, that is OUTRAGEOUS!

Solidarity move: Tim Payne grabs Jesse Lingard who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Jesse Lingard a standing ovation right through to the restart.

One touch football: Dan Burn to Tim Payne, faster than the opposition can think. The opponent is bundled over by Tim Payne. Not much in it, but the whistle goes. Booking for Tim Payne, the niggling fouls have caught up with him at last. Free kick from Tim Payne... into the wall. The wall didn't flinch. Massive clearance from Sergio Ramos in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished.

Ferocious press from Jesse Lingard! He sticks to the carrier, hounds him, and ends up winning the ball. The dirty work that makes great players. Jesse Lingard plays it into the channel for Tim Payne, the defensive line is split clean in two. That is pure filth. Tim Payne aims for Jesse Lingard but the ball is deflected off an opponent's foot. Pass cut out. What positioning from Tim Payne! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts. Tim Payne boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go.

Sergio Ramos with a last-gasp tackle that saves the day! Gets everything on the ball and nothing on the man. Heroic stuff. Brilliant switch of play from Sergio Ramos! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Jesse Lingard. Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed.

Pie and Bovril vibes in the dressing room. The gaffer has drawn one arrow on the whiteboard and written underneath it: "Same again." Bruno Fernandes is leaning back with {his} feet up, 179 cm of pure relaxation. Tim Payne is refuelling on jelly babies. Life is good when the scoreboard is in your favour. A wonderful anecdote — Sergio Ramos once got lost in an IKEA for two and a half hours. Had to be rescued by staff near the bedroom section. He was 40 at the time and insists the store moved the exits. Classic British Saturday gone wrong. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 1999 and answer this question: 'How long is a piece of string if the string is lying?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Bruno Fernandes leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Oh dear oh dear! Istanbul Cehennem FK score and the dugout is fuming. Rightly so.

Jesse Lingard unleashes a raking ball out to Alex Rufer, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Alex Rufer weights his pass into the space for Jesse Lingard who collects at full pace without breaking stride. Perfection. Bruno Fernandes launches a long ball for Jesse Lingard, but he's well offside. Defence did well. Alex Paulsen plays out from the back with Sergio Ramos, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. Burst of speed from Sergio Ramos, he devours the left flank in a matter of seconds. Impressive.

The block is set up beautifully, compact, disciplined, nothing getting through. Alex Paulsen closes the angle with his legs and the strike rebounds off him! The keeper is A WALL! Alex Paulsen opts for the short option to Dan Burn, keeping possession, building play, no panic.

Free kick from Jesse Lingard delivered with pace, Dan Burn finds himself in space at the far post. The cross from Dan Burn is blocked by a defender in the box. The defence holds firm.

Jesse Lingard slips Anthony Martial in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Flash wall from Ayden Heaven for Anthony Martial who had started the run before even passing the ball. Insane anticipation. The defence holds its line and Anthony Martial is caught offside from Jesse Lingard's ball over the top. Alex Paulsen boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Chido Obi! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Chido Obi slides into the passing lane and nicks the ball. The opposition does not know what just happened.

Alex Paulsen plays it along the ground to Bruno Fernandes, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. Switch from Bruno Fernandes! The ball arcs over the midfield and Jesse Lingard collects it on the other side. Stretching the play. Jesse Lingard releases Ayden Heaven with a ball into space on the left. The defence is sliding across but they are too late. Ayden Heaven gets to the byline and cuts it back low, Bruno Fernandes just needs to sidefoot it home. Bruno Fernandes with an absolutely perfect sliding tackle, takes the ball right off the attacker's toes. Nothing given, play on!

What a result against Istanbul Cehennem FK! Alex Paulsen walks over to the travelling support, puts his hand on his heart, and bows. Alex Rufer follows and throws his boots into the crowd. Some lad in row G is going home with a size 9 souvenir. Scenes. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Pauline Drizzle-Hatch, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How long is a piece of string if the string is lying?'. The answer was of course it claims to be six feet but it's really only four, the dishonest thread. Pauline wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-0 (W)

They've broken at pace and the back line is nowhere to be seen. Telepathic pass from Jesse Lingard to Bruno Fernandes, like they rehearsed it at breakfast. The ball fizzes in behind the defence. Bruno Fernandes lobs the keeper and it is GOAL! The audacity to attempt that finish at THIS moment of the match is what makes GREAT players. Perfect lob, perfect trajectory, PERFECT goal!

Long kick from Alex Paulsen, Ayden Heaven positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Ayden Heaven explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening. Chipped cross from Ayden Heaven over the defence, Dan Burn is underneath it. That is a killer ball.

The intensity has gone up several notches, this is magnificent. Aggressive high press, the opposition keeper is already sweating. Oh what a challenge! Sergio Ramos goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. Enormous clearance from Sergio Ramos inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it.

Jesse Lingard plays the free kick quickly to Ayden Heaven, they catch the defence napping. OHHH Ayden Heaven strikes and it goes just wide! The post was trembling! Sterile stuff this, pass after pass going nowhere fast. Chido Obi tries his luck and puts it on the third tier. The crowd give him an ironic round of applause.

Team goes on the counter but the final pass is too short, all wasted. Bruno Fernandes picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train. Lobbed cross from Bruno Fernandes, it sails over the entire back four and Dan Burn is there behind. Brilliant. Lovely high take from Alex Paulsen! He owns his box, the attacker had no time to even jump. Alex Paulsen sends an absolute rocket towards Sergio Ramos, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch.

The coach gathers the lads round: "Listen, we are in a great position. But this lot do not lie down, so keep your heads screwed on." Alex Rufer claps once, loud, and shouts "Come on then!" like {he} is leading the charge at Agincourt. The energy is electric. These lads are well up for the second half. A scouting report from Jesse Lingard's youth days says — and I quote — 'technically raw, but can eat a full Sunday roast in under eight minutes.' That kind of efficiency translates to the pitch. He's now 34 and hasn't slowed down at the dinner table. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Bedtime! To win a Premier Inn king-size pillow, text 3345 and answer: 'What time does a British person start complaining about the weather each morning?' They are back. Anthony Martial salutes the travelling fans with a raised fist before taking {his} spot. The faithful respond in kind. Second half. Bring it on.

Chido Obi overlaps on the wing with frightening ease, the defender is made to look silly. Looping cross from Chido Obi, it sails over the centre-halves and drops towards Jesse Lingard. Danger. Cross from Jesse Lingard intercepted by the centre-half, the defence is alert. Panicked clearance from Jesse Lingard, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done.

Free kick from Bruno Fernandes, lovely delivery and Chido Obi rises above the defence. Chido Obi goes up to the heavens and comes back down with the ball. Aerial duel won, total domination, the opposition can pack their bags. Good ball from Chido Obi to Jesse Lingard, playing it quick between the lines. Jesse Lingard wins the ball back high up the pitch after an outrageous press. The defender crumbled under the pressure.

Ayden Heaven goes crossfield to Alex Rufer, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Cross from Alex Rufer off the left, the ball travels across the entire six-yard box and finds Anthony Martial at the far side. Alex Paulsen repels the attempt with a reflex save! Clinical, clean, absolutely enormous. Chido Obi heads the corner from Bruno Fernandes at the back post, it goes wide. Close but not close enough.

The referee POINTS to the penalty spot! Dan Burn has been clipped at the feet inside the box. No argument, it is a penalty! The stadium is holding its collective BREATH! OVER THE BAR! Dan Burn sends the penalty into the stands! Absolute disaster!

Alex Paulsen lumps it long towards Chido Obi, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. Magnificent tackle from Chido Obi! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Chido Obi feeds Jesse Lingard in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. WHAT A SHAME for Jesse Lingard! Thunderous strike that flashes just past the upright.

Massive win over Milano Piano-Piano! Bruno Fernandes is the last man off the pitch, soaking in every last decibel. The ground's half-empty but the noise is still deafening. Tim Payne pops his head out of the tunnel: "Oi, the pizza's getting cold!" Priorities. Graham from Harrogate says half six and honestly we all agree. He's off to Premier Inn with his brand new pillow. And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

2-1 (W)

Tim Payne goes to ground and absolutely nails the tackle. Ball won, danger cleared, crowd on their feet. Broken at speed, the lads have bombed forward like their lives depend on it. Oh the TOUCH from Chido Obi! SUBLIME lob! The keeper is ten yards off his line, Chido Obi spots it, chips the ball and it drops right into the goal. MASTERPIECE!

Tim Payne kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Chido Obi takes a knee behind him. Alex Paulsen raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Strikers making run after run, long balls flying in every time. Bruno Fernandes rises on the delivery from Anthony Martial and powers a furious header into the net!

Sergio Ramos rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Tim Payne. The far side is completely deserted. Brilliant opening from Tim Payne for Bruno Fernandes, frees up the entire left flank. Driven cross from Bruno Fernandes into the box, Tim Payne arrives at full pace at the near post. This smells like a goal.

It's hit the back of the net! Sevilla Olé-Olé lead and we look completely lost.

Solid as a rock, the block holds under pressure. What a rush out from Alex Paulsen! He narrows the angle and smothers the shot at the feet. Alex Paulsen smashes a volley towards Chido Obi, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Massive diagonal from Chido Obi! Dan Burn receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards.

The gaffer sits down, crosses his arms, and just watches the lads for a moment. Bruno Fernandes is chatting with Alex Paulsen about holiday plans. Someone is throwing grapes into someone else's mouth. The staff are relaxed, the players are relaxed. "Right, let us not get complacent," the boss finally says. "But well played. Seriously." Now Sergio Ramos — and this is absolutely true — once entered a Wetherspoons curry club night and ate three lamb bhuna in a single sitting. At 184, the man is essentially a furnace. The manager gave him a round of applause and a free pint. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 8899 and answer this question: 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?' Back on the pitch and Alex Paulsen is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

Video review underway, players catching their breath, supporters on the edge of their seats. Incredible tension. VAR shows just how bad the challenge was, Dan Burn is sent to the dressing room! Unbelievable scenes! Dan Burn has kicked out at the opponent off the ball. He's been sent off. Dan Burn plays the free kick back to Ayden Heaven, they are looking for the shooting angle.

Sharp turn from Bruno Fernandes, the defender is sat down. Someone call an ambulance. The attacker tries to sprint past but Bruno Fernandes grabs the waistband, foul! Yellow shown to Bruno Fernandes, he brought down the man rather than let him play the through ball. Bruno Fernandes shapes to shoot but plays it short to Chido Obi, the defence is caught flat-footed.

Quick one-two between Chido Obi and Tim Payne, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Careless distribution from Tim Payne, the ball lands straight at an opponent's feet. The kind of pass that costs you. Huge interception from Ayden Heaven! He cuts out the pass and drives forward. The kind of action that never shows up in the stats but changes the whole match. Ayden Heaven feeds Tim Payne in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Lay-off from Tim Payne to Bruno Fernandes, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan.

Anthony Martial gives it to Bruno Fernandes into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Bruno Fernandes has a go but the shot is deflected! The defender took the ball full in the chest. Corner from Ayden Heaven, the ball travels across the box but a defender clears at the far post. Lifesaving clearance from Bruno Fernandes! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters.

The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. Bruno Fernandes pings a ridiculous diagonal to Alex Rufer. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Alex Rufer is beaten in the air, the opponent rises above him with authority. That is tough to take. Sergio Ramos lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war. Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper.

It's over and we've won it! Alex Paulsen grabs the corner flag and plants it at the centre spot like he's claiming new territory. Dan Burn pretends to salute. The fans are in absolute stitches. The manager pretends to be annoyed but you can see him smirking. Top, top scenes. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Keith Drizzleton, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?'. The answer was of course 4.7 kilonewtons, enough to demolish a conversation but not enough to get served at the bar. Keith wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

2-2 (L)

And it's a goal! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein punish us for that sloppy defending. Heads will roll.

Bruno Fernandes feeds Anthony Martial in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. GOOOOAL from Anthony Martial! MASTERFUL long-range strike, the ball traces a perfect line and ends in the net!

Ayden Heaven anticipates the pass and intercepts cleanly. The opposition midfielder thought he had found the gap, but it was a trap. Ayden Heaven beats man after man and drives forward on his own, opponents are scattered like skittles. Ayden Heaven takes his time to aim, looks at the keeper, and SHOOTS! On target, in the net, GOOOOAL!

Ruthless press, the opposition can't hold the ball for two seconds. High recovery from Chido Obi, he forced the error by hounding the carrier relentlessly. The kind of effort that the stats do not show but that wins football matches. Chido Obi sets it for Anthony Martial, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating.

Alex Paulsen plays it short to Bruno Fernandes, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Bruno Fernandes plays the simple ball to Bruno Fernandes, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll.

The gaffer pulls up München Ordnung-Muss-Sein's shape on the screen: "See how high their line is? One ball over the top and we are in. Alex Paulsen, you have the pace. Dan Burn, you have the vision. Put it together and we are laughing." It sounds simple. Football always sounds simple at halftime. Doing it is the hard part. A little fun fact for you — Alex Paulsen, all 193 of him, once entered a village conker championship in Lower Piddle and made it to the semi-finals. He was disqualified for soaking his conker in vinegar, which frankly shows the sort of competitive edge you want in a footballer. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 6677 and answer this question: 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?' Sergio Ramos leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

Driven kick from Alex Paulsen to Chido Obi, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Chido Obi powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go. Chido Obi tries the cross but it is completely off target, ends up going out for a throw. What composure from Alex Paulsen! He climbs, gathers the cross and restarts play. The danger has passed. Massive punt from Alex Paulsen, sends the ball sixty yards, Bruno Fernandes is scrapping for it up top.

The free kick from Bruno Fernandes clears the defence and finds Anthony Martial in the danger area. Anthony Martial beats the attacker with a commanding header, he went up like a lift and came back down with the ball. The boss. Anthony Martial winds up and FIIIIRES! On target! But the keeper pushes it away for a corner.

Bruno Fernandes gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side. Absolutely disgraceful from Bruno Fernandes. Not a shred of contact and he's writhing on the floor. Bruno Fernandes earns a yellow card for diving, you reap what you sow on the pitch. The free kick from Bruno Fernandes is floated in, Anthony Martial makes his run to the back post.

They've scored! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein break the deadlock and the momentum has completely shifted.

Alex Paulsen spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Bruno Fernandes gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Sergio Ramos swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Chido Obi, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Chido Obi wins the header and flicks it on for Bruno Fernandes. He took the elevator while the rest were queuing for the stairs. Big clearance from Chido Obi under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line. Sergio Ramos dominates his marker in the air, powerful header to clear the danger. He is the king of the aerial game. Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly.

Alex Rufer sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Chido Obi. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere. Bruno Fernandes drops a lollipop in behind the defence, Jesse Lingard read the play perfectly and finds himself one on one. Devastating burst of pace from Jesse Lingard, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank.

Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. Chido Obi leans into the opponent and sends him off balance. Free kick. Yellow card. Chido Obi racked up too many fouls, the ref couldn't let it slide anymore. Chido Obi's free kick crashes into the wall. They jumped at the right moment. Long ball from Alex Paulsen for Bruno Fernandes who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy.

Points shared with München Ordnung-Muss-Sein. Alex Paulsen slumps against the corner flag for a few seconds before pulling himself up. Bruno Fernandes has a chinwag with their number 10 — old pals from the academy days. Football brings people together, even when nobody's really won. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Brenda Sogbottom, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?'. The answer was of course three consecutive drizzles, as defined by the Met Office Dampness Protocol of 1991. Brenda wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

2-1 (W)

They're going for broke, nothing can stop them now. Mad scenes, Alex Paulsen sprinting to the halfway line to get back up in time. GOOOOL from Alex Rufer! MAJESTIC angled header on the cross from Chido Obi, the ball brushes the post and is in!

Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. Anthony Martial catches everyone off guard with a solo burst, he is unstoppable. GOOOOOOL from Anthony Martial! On the pass from Bruno Fernandes, he curls it with the right foot and beats the keeper at the far post!

Anthony Martial does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Alex Paulsen launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Alex Paulsen arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. Bruno Fernandes finds Alex Rufer between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Brilliant cut-back from Alex Rufer along the grass for Bruno Fernandes. That is an absolute peach of a ball. Bruno Fernandes trips over his own feet in front of the empty net! Alex Rufer had done it all, what an absolute waste. The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it.

Jesse Lingard lays it off first time to Sergio Ramos, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Sergio Ramos squares it back for Ayden Heaven, low and hard across the six-yard box, just needs a tap in.

Alex Paulsen catapults the ball towards Ayden Heaven from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. Interception from Ayden Heaven who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of Ayden Heaven. One touch football: Ayden Heaven to Alex Rufer, faster than the opposition can think.

Alex Rufer starts a chant and within seconds the whole dressing room joins in. Boots stamping, hands clapping, proper old-school dressing room stuff. Sergio Ramos conducts like it is the Last Night of the Proms. The gaffer lets it go for thirty seconds then kills it: "Save the singing for the pub tonight. We have still got a job to do." Now here's a proper one — Chido Obi was caught by paparazzi doing a big shop in Aldi at half ten at night. Trolley full of knock-off biscuits and frozen pizzas. At 181, the man clearly needs his fuel, and he's not paying Waitrose prices for it. And now, our TV game show Pointless Gestures! To win a royal family commemorative tea towel set, text 0800CROWN and answer: 'How many corgis can fit in a single Buckingham Palace corridor?' And we are back underway! Sergio Ramos jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. Pass into no-man's land from Chido Obi, nobody on the end of it, the ball rolls straight to the opposition. Gift. Dan Burn sprints at the defender and pinches the ball right off his toes. Aggressive pressing, decisive recovery.

What a disaster! London Three-Pints score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Alex Paulsen is at the centre, lifted up by Alex Rufer and Alex Paulsen, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. London Three-Pints's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

Roulette from Alex Rufer on his marker, the skill is magnificent, the crowd goes wild! Failed dribble from Alex Rufer, he tried to do too much and the defender capitalises. Ayden Heaven mistimes the tackle and catches the opponent's shin. Free kick. Ayden Heaven sends an inswinging free kick in, Bruno Fernandes rises for the header at the far post.

Dan Burn cleans up with a magnificent sliding tackle, wins possession, and plays it forward. That's the complete defensive action. Dan Burn slides it to Sergio Ramos, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Long ball from Sergio Ramos to Jesse Lingard, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing.

Change of flanks from Dan Burn, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Tim Payne. Tim Payne tries to find Dan Burn but it is nowhere near him. Sloppy stuff. Dan Burn goes to war in the opposition half and comes back with the ball. Pressing is a battle, and Dan Burn just won it. Counter-attack fires off the blocks, blistering pace from the front three. Alex Rufer has a go but it drifts to the right of goal. Not far away though.

Bruno Fernandes presses high and picks off the sloppy pass from the defender. When you bring that intensity, the opposition errors come thick and fast. Bruno Fernandes unleashes a fierce drive, it's GOIIIIING... wide. Clips the post on the way out though. A thousand passes ending with a backpass to the keeper, utterly frustrating. Ayden Heaven frees up the entire channel for Anthony Martial with a ball into space. The defence is caught on the wrong foot. Low cut-back from Anthony Martial, the ball threads between the defender's legs and reaches Dan Burn.

Brilliant! Ayden Heaven goes straight to the family section, finds his people in the crowd, and blows kisses with both hands. Alex Paulsen photobombs from behind with the daftest grin you've ever seen. The post-match interview can wait — this is what football's about. Philippa from Henley-on-Thames says at least fourteen corgis comfortably and twenty at a push. The tea towel set is hers! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'