My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇦🇺
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 3 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Houston Blast-Off | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Get comfortable because tonight, we are about to witness something special. I can feel it. It's in the air, it's in the eyes, it's in the low rumble of 20,000 people who know they're about to live through a moment. The franchise about to step onto this court has seen it all, lived it all: legendary triple-doubles, buzzer-beating heartbreaks, 15-point fourth-quarter comebacks, and losses that shatter careers. But they're here, still and always, with that burning desire to tear everything apart. The team with no name, baby! There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Doctor Strange. Standing at 189 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face. But what truly terrifies opponents isn't his highlights, it's his head. Look into his eyes during crunch time. There's nothing there. No stress, no doubt, just a killer's stare that says "give me the ball and get the hell out of the way." Opposing coaches have tried double-teams, triple-teams, zone defense, trash talk, Hack-a-Shaq... Nothing works. The man is programmed for clutch moments. It's genetic, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it. And now, the moment nobody was waiting for but everybody is going to love: the coach signed Adam. The man is a farmer. A freaking farmer. In a league where everybody is 6'8" and runs a 4.4 forty, he rolls up with seed dibber and a suspicious amount of enthusiasm. His first instinct walking into the locker room? Ask where the coffee machine was. His second instinct? Try to dribble and bounce the ball straight into his own face. The teammates lost it. The coach just said "that's the kind of grit I was looking for." We still don't know if he was serious or completely hammered. The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
88-132 (L)
IShowSpeed lands the first floater! First blood! The rapper strikes first!
Kim Jong-un with the off-balance sky hook! This potential GOAT couldn't set the feet!
Doctor Strange, this all-around player, gets stripped on the low block! Hot head exposed!
This league veteran Doctor Strange can't recover! Scored on in the paint! Shaky emotions under pressure!
IShowSpeed, this solid build, throws the hands up! Exasperated in the paint!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Kim Jong-un walks head down toward the tunnel. Little scoop: Kim Jong-un logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Adam, this tweener, bobbles the pill and the chance evaporates at half court!
Adam tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a farmer's energy for the stubborn soil!
This basketball god Adam gets pickpocketed from way beyond the arc! Sloppy handling!
Adam vents at their teammates! The farmer who vents about the stubborn soil!
This newcomer Thanos tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
IShowSpeed lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Kim Jong-un holds his in. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
75-116 (L)
Tip-off! Thanos gets us started! Let's go!
This legit talent Doctor Strange misses the mark! A fadeaway jumper goes begging from way beyond the arc!
IShowSpeed throws it out of bounds! Like launching their hot mic into the void!
Doctor Strange gets blown by! Even a neurosurgeon couldn't stop that!
Adam waves off the play! The authority of a farmer in that gesture!
Break! Adam grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. True story: Adam had his parking spot stolen by Miami Heart-Attack's mascot. Still talks about it. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.
Doctor Strange takes off and fires but misses everything! Limited stamina tonight!
Doctor Strange, this combo guard, looks exhausted at the top of the key! The legs are gone!
Kim Jong-un throws it away! Tendency to rush under pressure along the baseline!
Doctor Strange, this solid build, sits down hard on the bench! Sometimes predictable game written all over his face!
This generational talent Adam shakes hands and moves on. In the end, injury-prone body proved costly.
Doctor Strange lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Thanos holds his in. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
73-117 (L)
Doctor Strange stretches center court! Loosening up, the neurosurgeon is getting ready!
IShowSpeed misses the triple! Three-pointers aren't like triple-checking the fiery bars!
This total unknown Thanos commits the offensive foul! Turnover in the paint!
IShowSpeed, this combo guard, gets exploited in the switch! Injury-prone body exposed in the mismatch!
Doctor Strange, this legit talent, refuses to high-five! Limited stamina hurting the chemistry!
Halftime. Adam throws his towel on the floor walking in. Anecdote of the day: Adam forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
Adam with a rough bucket under the basket! Shaky emotions under pressure at the worst time!
Thanos crosses over but the legs won't cooperate! Occasional mental lapses catching up!
Thanos passes to nobody! This surprise package with a head-scratching decision!
Kim Jong-un buries their face! Hidden from view, the politician can't watch!
Thanos walks off in silence. This diamond in the rough gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Adam stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Kim Jong-un comes back to get him. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
83-128 (L)
Thanos blows past onto the floor! The crowd roars for this hidden prospect!
A step-back three from Adam hits the iron! Limited stamina under the spotlight!
Thanos, this all-around player, gets the ball poked away! Occasional mental lapses when protecting the Spalding!
Kim Jong-un scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Hot head!
Thanos gets a technical for complaining! Injury-prone body on full display!
Halftime. The doctor examines Adam's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Did you know Adam entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
Thanos air-mails a euro-step under the basket! Way off for this potential breakout star!
This hungry young player Thanos calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Injury-prone body taking its toll!
This diamond in the rough Thanos dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Adam picks up the second technical! This franchise cornerstone ejected! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Kim Jong-un hangs their head! A politician who gave everything they had!
Thanos replays the score in his head on a loop. Doctor Strange tries to think about something else. I learned that Thanos's father was a volunteer firefighter. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
88-132 (L)
This potential GOAT Kim Jong-un opens the scoring! A buzzer-beater! Early advantage!
IShowSpeed gets a clean look but ego the size of Texas costs the bucket!
Thanos, this all-around player, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted from mid-range!
IShowSpeed beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the fiery bars slipping from a rapper!
Doctor Strange glares at the Wilson! Like it personally betrayed this neurosurgeon!
End of the second quarter. Doctor Strange is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Word is Doctor Strange sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
This hidden prospect Thanos rattles it out! So close yet so far on the low block!
Thanos misses from fatigue! This guy nobody was talking about can't get the elevation back to the basket!
Thanos with a wild pass that sails out! This unknown gem giving it away!
IShowSpeed, this first-ballot legend, with the frustrated foul! Hot head in tough moments!
Doctor Strange walks off in defeat! Even a neurosurgeon's skills couldn't save tonight!
Kim Jong-un pulls his cap down over his eyes. IShowSpeed doesn't have a cap, and it shows. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
89-134 (L)
Thanos, this versatile guy, sets the tone immediately! Pure God-given talent from the jump!
Adam clanks it off the rim! That sounded like the seed dibber hitting the stubborn soil!
This dude putting the league on notice Doctor Strange commits the 5-second violation! Clock management heavy feet!
Doctor Strange, this tweener, lets the shooter get free along the baseline! Costly lapse!
Thanos slams the leather in frustration! Shaky emotions under pressure on full display!
Rest. Adam buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Fun fact: Adam got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
IShowSpeed puts up a prayer... Unanswered! Not even their hot mic can save that!
Adam is huffing and puffing! Winded, even a farmer would call it quits!
Thanos, this swiss-army-knife type, steps out of bounds with the rock! Mental lapse!
IShowSpeed mouths off and picks up a T! Ego the size of Texas taking over!
IShowSpeed, this combo guard, hangs the head. Tough loss despite unreal swagger effort.
IShowSpeed stares at his hands like he doesn't recognize them. Thanos exhales. Again. And again. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
90-135 (L)
And we're underway! Kim Jong-un touches the Wilson first! This household name looks eager!
Doctor Strange misfires at the top of the key! Even this dude putting the league on notice has off nights!
This diamond in the rough Thanos with turnover number lengths ahead! Injury-prone body is piling up!
Doctor Strange gets caught flat-footed! This seasoned vet beaten to the spot!
Adam, this undisputed superstar, barks at the teammate! Lack of consistency taking over!
That's a wrap for now. Thanos dives into the tunnel. Did you know Thanos once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
A buzzer beater from Thanos sails wide! This unknown gem needs to regroup!
Kim Jong-un is spent! Used up like the public policy after a politician's long day!
IShowSpeed double-dribbles! Spitting the fiery bars doesn't have that rule!
Kim Jong-un mouths off at right from the tip-off! A politician venting about the public policy!
Kim Jong-un refuses to make excuses! A politician owns the public policy failures too!
Adam sits on the floor in the hallway. Doctor Strange sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
80-125 (L)
Kim Jong-un locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a politician who means business!
Kim Jong-un with the contested reverse layup under the basket! No good! Bad selection!
Adam, this all-around player, gets called for the carry! Shaky emotions under pressure in ball-handling!
Kim Jong-un gets burned on the drive! Sometimes predictable game in lateral movement!
Kim Jong-un dribbles away from the huddle! This guy with rings on every finger in a dark place mentally!
The players leave the court. Kim Jong-un clings to the tunnel railing. Did you know Kim Jong-un once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.
Adam misses! Even a farmer can't fix that shot!
Doctor Strange grabs the jersey for air! Needs more air than their bare hands in the workshop!
IShowSpeed botches the handoff! Even their hot mic exchanges go smoother!
This first-ballot legend IShowSpeed stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Doctor Strange wipes a tear! A neurosurgeon who poured everything into the effort!
Kim Jong-un closes his eyes walking out. Doctor Strange keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
77-122 (L)
Doctor Strange steps onto the gymnasium! From competing the game to this, game time!
IShowSpeed heaves and misses! Should have heaved the fiery bars instead!
IShowSpeed coughs it up! A rapper's grip doesn't work on the Wilson!
Thanos reacts too late to rotate! Tendency to force bad shots on the help side!
IShowSpeed spins and kicks the stanchion! This living legend losing composure!
End of the second quarter. Adam is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. I've been told Adam once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
IShowSpeed can't hit the ocean right now! Another miss for this living legend!
Doctor Strange can barely run! The allotted time harder than the allotted time of competing the game!
Thanos throws it into the stands! What was that from this diamond in the rough!
Thanos, this potential breakout star, yells at the coaching staff! Limited stamina causing friction!
Thanos sits alone on the bench. This total unknown processing the defeat.
IShowSpeed watches the crowd file out in silence. Thanos prefers not to look. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
84-128 (L)
IShowSpeed gets the starting nod! A rapper starting with their hot mic confidence!
Doctor Strange bricks it! Not the same accuracy as competing the game!
Thanos goes to work into a dead end at half court! Turnover! Limited stamina!
Kim Jong-un overcommits and gets beat! Injury-prone body when reading the play!
IShowSpeed drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a rapper's spirit has limits!
The players head to the locker room. Kim Jong-un is sweating like a racehorse. Anecdote: Kim Jong-un fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
Kim Jong-un shanks it from the paint! Shaping the public policy uses different muscles!
Adam, this smooth operator, is drenched in sweat! Emptying the tank!
Adam with the errant pass! This basketball god needs to settle down!
IShowSpeed pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The rapper in them is showing!
IShowSpeed walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to rapper life tomorrow!
Kim Jong-un takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. IShowSpeed follows the same path. I got a text from Kim Jong-un after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
73-117 (L)
Kim Jong-un checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Kim Jong-un, this basketball god, pulls the trigger at half court but no luck!
Doctor Strange loses the Wilson! A neurosurgeon would never be this careless!
IShowSpeed gets posterized! A rapper framed by their hot mic in the worst way!
Kim Jong-un walks away muttering! Muttering about the public policy under their breath!
End of the first half. Thanos is beet red but still standing. Did you know? Thanos launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
IShowSpeed misfires at half court! This living legend searching for answers!
Kim Jong-un can't get lift! Legs heavy as their campaign podium after this ball game!
IShowSpeed, this solid build, fumbles the entry pass in the paint!
Doctor Strange, this combo guard, pounds the scorer's table! Injury-prone body on full display!
Doctor Strange vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their bare hands reinforced with the game!
Thanos's gaze is cold, distant. Kim Jong-un's gaze is hot, angry. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
81-125 (L)
Adam sets the tone early! The farmer came to play tonight!
The rim rejects Doctor Strange! The rim says no! Even a neurosurgeon gets rejected sometimes!
IShowSpeed with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the fiery bars!
Kim Jong-un gets burned on the switch! Hotter than a politician's worst day on the job!
This unknown gem Thanos can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Halftime. Kim Jong-un's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Rumor has it Kim Jong-un talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
IShowSpeed launches from deep and misses! A rapper's range doesn't apply here!
Thanos is gassed! This player nobody saw coming bent over at half court! Shaky emotions under pressure catching up!
Doctor Strange with the backcourt violation! This legit talent under too much pressure!
Adam storms to the bench! Heated! This farmer doesn't handle losing well!
This certified GOAT candidate Kim Jong-un congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this certified GOAT candidate.
Kim Jong-un lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Thanos decides not to comment. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
81-125 (L)
IShowSpeed bounces the damn ball pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Doctor Strange can't buy a shot! Wouldn't happen with the game, a neurosurgeon always hits!
Doctor Strange gets the ball stripped! The game would have stayed in a neurosurgeon's grip!
Thanos, this all-around player, fouls unnecessarily in the paint! Limited stamina!
Thanos, this all-around player, waves off the play call! Tendency to rush hurting the team!
Into the tunnel. IShowSpeed grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Did you know IShowSpeed plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
Thanos, this do-it-all player, gets the look from downtown but the lid's on the rim!
IShowSpeed is out on their feet! Running on fumes and pure rapper stubbornness!
Stolen from Adam! A farmer who let it slip through their fingers!
Kim Jong-un storms to the bench! This living legend is visibly upset!
Kim Jong-un shakes hands through the pain! A politician who respects their campaign podium and the game!
Thanos stares at the floor while Doctor Strange mutters something inaudible under his breath. Tonight I learned Thanos used to be a volunteer firefighter before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
87-132 (L)
This diamond in the rough Thanos in the starting lineup! Let's see what this diamond in the rough brings!
Adam sends it long! Too much power, not enough finesse from this farmer!
This hungry young player Thanos loses concentration and the damn ball with it!
Kim Jong-un watches them score! Just watching, like watching their campaign podium gather dust!
Doctor Strange stares in disbelief! The look of a neurosurgeon who just lost everything!
Halftime! IShowSpeed has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. They say IShowSpeed has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
This up-and-coming baller Doctor Strange with a rare miss from downtown! Even the best stumble!
Doctor Strange powers through! The neurosurgeon in them won't quit on the game!
Kim Jong-un launches carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Adam throws their hands up! Like a farmer when the seed dibber breaks!
Adam lets fly past the media. This undisputed superstar not in the mood to talk.
IShowSpeed avoids the cameras like the plague. Kim Jong-un gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. Tonight I had a revelation: Kim Jong-un runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
82-126 (L)
Thanos takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Thanos fires an alley-oop on the low block but can't connect! Defense that's basically a suggestion showing!
IShowSpeed dribbles it off their foot! Their hot mic would never betray a rapper like that!
Kim Jong-un fouls trying to recover! Desperate as a politician chasing the public policy!
This first-ballot legend Kim Jong-un slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
The players disappear. Thanos has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Fun fact: Thanos is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
Adam denied by the basket! Even a farmer can't pry it open!
Doctor Strange gets the mercy sub! Mercy, like a neurosurgeon begging the game for mercy!
Adam throws it away! A pass worse than a farmer tossing the stubborn soil!
IShowSpeed drops the head after another miss! Tendency to rush sapping the confidence!
Thanos had the chances but couldn't convert. This rising star left wanting.
Adam punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. Doctor Strange slides down the wall to the floor. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Doctor Strange.
Season journal
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