My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇬🇧
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Houston Blast-Off | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | My Team | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 1 | 14 | 2 |
| 16 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Get comfortable because tonight, we are about to witness something special. I can feel it. It's in the air, it's in the eyes, it's in the low rumble of 20,000 people who know they're about to live through a moment. The franchise about to step onto this court has seen it all, lived it all: legendary triple-doubles, buzzer-beating heartbreaks, 15-point fourth-quarter comebacks, and losses that shatter careers. But they're here, still and always, with that burning desire to tear everything apart. The team with no name, baby! Okay, we need to talk about the monster. Because there are players, and then there's LeBron James. It's not the same category, it's not even the same damn sport. Standing at 206 cm, with footwork like a ballet dancer and a jumper purer than spring water. The kind of guy who drops 35 in three quarters, sits down on the bench in the fourth because he's bored, and pulls out his phone to check his stats on the Jumbotron. He's not a player, he's a statistical anomaly. And the most terrifying thing about him? It's not the stats, it's not the size, it's the calm. You know that moment where the arena is on its feet, the clock is ticking down the final seconds, sweat is pouring... And he's just chewing his gum like he's waiting for the bus? Then he loads up. And drains it. Stone cold. In front of 20,000 people on the verge of cardiac arrest. That's what a franchise player is: the guy who carries everyone on his shoulders and still makes it look easy. Alright, we need to address the elephant in the room. Or rather, the comedy show on the roster. Hulk is on this team. Hulk, who is a scientist and doesn't even know what "pick-and-roll" means. The guy shows up with their lab notebook under his arm, shoes that are clearly not regulation, and the cardio of a weekend smoker. At his first practice, he tried a crossover and twisted his ankle. At his second, he attempted a layup and the ball flew into the stands. But damn it, what this man has is balls of steel and an ability to make an entire arena laugh without even trying. And that, my friends, is worth every max contract in the world. Money-wise, this is solid. Not the penthouse but a nice apartment with a view of the playoffs. The team has the means for its moderate ambitions, which is already saying something. There's a go-to scorer, quality role players, and a sixth man who'd start on half the teams in the league. The owner keeps his hand on the wallet but knows when to open it. The danger? Settling for a second-round exit and becoming that team that's "nice but never dangerous." Tonight, they want to prove otherwise.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
101-111 (L)
This living legend Hulk in the starting lineup! Let's see what this living legend brings!
This absolute legend Hulk shanks a catch-and-shoot triple from the left corner! That's uncharacteristic!
The Homelander gets the ball stripped! The game would have stayed in a superhero's grip!
Michael Jordan, this towering presence, gets dunked on at the buzzer! Poster material!
This guy with rings on every finger Michael Jordan with a cold-blooded sky hook! No conscience!
End of the second quarter. Michael Jordan is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Locker room anecdote: Michael Jordan talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Michael Jordan drops the head after another miss! Hot head sapping the confidence!
A floater from Jesus Christ hits the iron! Heavy feet under the spotlight!
Hulk uses that scientist IQ on the court! Tactical brilliance!
Michael Jordan, this all-time great, sucking wind after that sprint! The 48 regulation minutes of battle!
This living legend Hulk shakes hands and moves on. In the end, tendency to rush proved costly.
The Homelander shakes Michael Jordan's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
120-91 (W)
Jesus Christ starts in the shooting guard! Playing the shooting guard the way a messiah plays with their bare hands!
This all-time great Michael Jordan does it again! A buzzer beater with effortless precision!
Jesus Christ denies the entry pass! No the game gets past this messiah!
Jesus Christ with the bounce pass! This franchise cornerstone threading it perfectly!
Michael Jordan reads the defense perfectly! Iron discipline and a sky-high basketball IQ!
The players disappear into the tunnel. LeBron James asks for an ice pack. Bus driver's confession: LeBron James raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
The Homelander scores off the glass! Bank shot precision of a superhero!
Immense pressure spikes every time The Homelander touches the pill! The superhero effect!
This diamond in the rough Homelander runs the basketball patiently! Searching for the perfect shot!
Jesus Christ is inevitable tonight! This certified GOAT candidate can't be stopped!
Michael Jordan walks off the floor victorious! This all-time great owns this moment!
LeBron James cries tears of joy in The Homelander's arms. Michael Jordan is also crying but nobody knows why. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
112-101 (W)
Hulk checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Jesus Christ converts a tough floater facing the rim! Skill level: elite!
LeBron James with the denial defense! This hall-of-fame lock not giving an inch!
This guy with rings on every finger LeBron James with assist number points! Next-level basketball IQ on display!
Jesus Christ reads the defense like a book! Perfect play call from this messiah!
Both teams head in. LeBron James has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Did you know? LeBron James has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
LeBron James, this tower, elevates for a monster bank shot!
Fans hold up the hidden truth signs for Hulk! What a scene!
LeBron James steps back the ball with patience! This global icon trusting the system!
Michael Jordan, this potential GOAT, is playing with nothing to lose! Watch out, this potential GOAT is dangerous!
The Homelander, this tweener, salutes the faithful! A salute to the fans! What a night!
Hulk dumps his Gatorade on Michael Jordan who screams because it was cold. LeBron James piles on. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
107-106 (W)
Jesus Christ comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the messiah means business!
LeBron James times it perfectly and rejects the shot! A double team off the pick and roll!
Michael Jordan, this mammoth, can't get a double-clutch layup to drop! Cold as ice tonight!
Hulk converts in transition! A hook shot with trademark unreal swagger!
Michael Jordan sets the screen at the perfect angle! This certified GOAT candidate cerebral play!
Finally a breather. Jesus Christ has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. Juicy intel: Jesus Christ turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
The Homelander comes alive in crunch time! The superhero instinct kicks in!
This generational talent LeBron James takes the charge in the paint! Gutsy play!
Michael Jordan, this big fella, gestures for more noise! The crowd goes nuts!
This all-time great LeBron James takes over! Back-to-back a double-clutch layup in the fourth quarter!
Michael Jordan posts up into the tunnel with the W! This household name all smiles!
LeBron James dumps his Gatorade on The Homelander who screams because it was cold. Jesus Christ piles on. Did you know that The Homelander practices messiah on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
107-100 (W)
Hulk begins their shift on the den! A scientist starting the their lab notebook shift!
The technical flair of Jesus Christ recalls their messiah days. A layup! Sublime!
Jesus Christ, this absolute legend, shuts down the play in transition! Lockdown defender!
The Homelander drops it off underneath! Sneaky as a superhero slipping the game into place!
The Homelander uses a fluid motion offense to get open! Open space created with their bare hands smarts!
The locker room fills up. LeBron James has already eaten three oranges. I've been told LeBron James once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
LeBron James takes off the pill with natural-born leadership. And it drops! Nothing you can do!
Michael Jordan, this all-time great, waves the crowd up! A hostile crowd rising!
Jesus Christ feeds the hot hand! Feeding the offense with messiah generosity!
LeBron James, this certified GOAT candidate, has been building to this all game! On the final possession!
This undisputed superstar Michael Jordan seals the deal! Victory with next-level basketball IQ!
The Homelander and Jesus Christ fake a wrestling match. Michael Jordan plays the referee and calls a timeout. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
96-104 (L)
Michael Jordan, this tower, sets the tone immediately! Nerves of steel from the jump!
Jesus Christ bricks it! Not the same accuracy as competing the game!
LeBron James, this 7-footer, steps out of bounds with the basketball! Mental lapse!
This household name Hulk bites on the fake! Beaten at half court!
Michael Jordan with the decisive layup! Nerves of steel when it matters most!
Break. LeBron James collapses next to the vending machine. Locker room anecdote: LeBron James talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Hulk waves off the play! The authority of a scientist in that gesture!
The Homelander, this guy nobody was talking about, sends the ball wide! The touch is off tonight!
Jesus Christ zones up! Defensive zone like a messiah's the game zone!
The Homelander takes off a step slower than usual! Ego the size of Texas in the tank!
Michael Jordan sits alone on the bench. This first-ballot legend processing the defeat.
Michael Jordan kicks his towel across the floor. LeBron James has already left for the locker room, alone. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
104-118 (L)
Hulk steps onto the floor! From discoverring the hidden truth to this, game time!
Michael Jordan misses the open look! This undisputed superstar can't believe it! Tendency to force bad shots!
Michael Jordan throws it away! Defense that's basically a suggestion under pressure at the buzzer!
Jesus Christ can't contain the drive! Competing the game is more containable!
Michael Jordan knocks down a floater at half court! Ice in the veins!
Halftime! The Homelander has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Fun fact: The Homelander got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
Michael Jordan mouths off and picks up a T! Limited stamina taking over!
LeBron James, this mountain of a man, bobbles the ball and the chance evaporates from way beyond the arc!
Jesus Christ schemes with the coaching staff! Plotting the next move, true messiah!
The Homelander, this solid build, looks exhausted from downtown! The legs are gone!
This generational talent Michael Jordan stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this generational talent wanted.
LeBron James clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Michael Jordan fidgets with his wristband nervously. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
91-112 (L)
Hulk, this potential GOAT, draws first blood! A buzzer-beater to start!
Michael Jordan, this global icon, with a contested double-clutch layup that misses from the right corner!
Michael Jordan with the errant pass! This absolute legend needs to settle down!
Hulk fouls trying to recover! Desperate as a scientist chasing the hidden truth!
Hulk launches and scores! Those scientist hands work wonders with the damn ball!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Jesus Christ asks for an ice pack. Anecdote of the day: Jesus Christ forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Michael Jordan dunks and kicks the stanchion! This global icon losing composure!
Michael Jordan fires a bucket from the left corner but can't connect! Limited stamina showing!
Michael Jordan, this giant, positions perfectly for the offensive rebound! Nerves of steel!
Jesus Christ waves for a timeout! The messiah needs the game break!
LeBron James reflects on what could have been. Lack of consistency the difference tonight.
LeBron James is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Michael Jordan waits at the tunnel entrance. Tonight I had a revelation: Michael Jordan runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
83-119 (L)
The Homelander lands the first and-one! First blood! The superhero strikes first!
Hulk forces up a two-handed slam over the defense! Limited stamina! Bad decision!
LeBron James coughs up the Spalding! Limited stamina strikes again facing the rim!
The Homelander falls asleep on the weak side! Tendency to force bad shots exposed!
Michael Jordan storms to the bench! This hall-of-fame lock is visibly upset!
Cut! Halftime. Michael Jordan's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Little scoop: Michael Jordan collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
Hulk launches from deep and misses! A scientist's range doesn't apply here!
The Homelander mops their face! Sweating more than when competing the game!
Stolen from The Homelander! A superhero who let it slip through their fingers!
Jesus Christ glares at the ball! Like it personally betrayed this messiah!
This global icon Jesus Christ congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this global icon.
Hulk avoids the cameras like the plague. LeBron James gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. I learned that Hulk's father was a messiah. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
89-106 (L)
This living legend Hulk catches the leather early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
LeBron James, this titan, gets the separation but can't finish! Occasional mental lapses!
Michael Jordan, this oversized freak, fumbles the entry pass under the basket!
Michael Jordan gives up the back door! Limited stamina when overplaying!
LeBron James with another off-balance shot! You can't stop this man!
Break time. LeBron James bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Rumor has it LeBron James has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
The Homelander, this versatile guy, throws the hands up! Exasperated from the right corner!
Hulk goes 0 for the quarter! A scientist having a rough shift with their lab notebook!
Michael Jordan makes the hockey pass! Freakish explosiveness finding the extra pass!
Hulk, this first-ballot legend, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
Michael Jordan had the chances but couldn't convert. This hall-of-fame lock left wanting.
LeBron James stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Michael Jordan comes back to get him. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
101-100 (W)
Opening possession for Jesus Christ! First touch, like first touch of their bare hands!
Hulk forces the shot-clock violation! Next-level basketball IQ on full display!
Jesus Christ forces a tear drop at the buzzer! This basketball god trying too hard!
Michael Jordan drives the Wilson beautifully for a sky hook! What touch!
Jesus Christ pushes the pace in transition! Scary good handles showing in every play!
Halftime. Michael Jordan throws his towel on the floor walking in. Confession: Michael Jordan believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
This undisputed superstar Michael Jordan with the heroic monster swat! Preserves the lead!
Jesus Christ smothers the ball handler! That's a messiah who doesn't let go!
Jesus Christ drives and the crowd chants the name! Listen to that noise!
Jesus Christ, this versatile guy, battles through contact for a devastating dunk! Will not be denied!
Hulk exits to a standing ovation! The scientist with their lab notebook earns it!
Jesus Christ and The Homelander form a tunnel for Hulk to crawl through. Too tall. Gets stuck. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
90-134 (L)
The Homelander, this combo guard, announced to huge cheers! An incredible energy!
This global icon LeBron James misses the mark! A pull-up jumper goes begging from mid-range!
The Homelander dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the superhero's finest moment!
Michael Jordan, this titan, can't keep up with the speed! Defense that's basically a suggestion exposed!
Hulk gets a technical for complaining! Lack of consistency on full display!
Break. Hulk collapses next to the vending machine. Anecdote: Hulk threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
The Homelander misses the open look! A superhero never misses the game... But misses the ball!
Michael Jordan grabs the shorts! This global icon is running on fumes!
The Homelander forces the pass! Forcing their bare hands where it doesn't fit!
Jesus Christ, this absolute legend, barks at the teammate! Shaky emotions under pressure taking over!
Michael Jordan walks off in silence. This basketball god gave it all but it wasn't enough.
The Homelander's eyes are red, jaw tight. LeBron James apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
95-120 (L)
This dark horse The Homelander gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
LeBron James, this mammoth, double-clutches and misses! Indecision from this undisputed superstar!
Michael Jordan charges right into the defender! Turnover! Hot head when controlling pace!
LeBron James, this tree of a man, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over hot head!
Jesus Christ spins the pill with flair and hits a double-clutch layup! Sensational!
End of the second quarter. LeBron James is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Did you know? LeBron James tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
Michael Jordan mutters to himself walking back! This certified GOAT candidate fighting inner demons!
A fadeaway jumper from Michael Jordan sails wide! This all-time great needs to regroup!
Jesus Christ makes the hockey assist! The unsung play of a messiah behind the game!
LeBron James is visibly tired! This generational talent needs a timeout badly!
Jesus Christ refuses to make excuses! A messiah owns the game failures too!
Hulk collapses into the first available chair. Jesus Christ stays standing, eyes glazed over. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
93-107 (L)
Hulk pulls up into position! This once-in-a-lifetime player not wasting any time!
Hulk dunks the damn ball but it won't fall! Cold streak continues!
Hulk trips up in beyond the arc! A scientist never trips at work... Right?
This player nobody saw coming The Homelander caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
The Homelander takes off the ball into a two-handed slam! Freakish explosiveness shining through!
Time to breathe. Hulk has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. I've been told Hulk always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
This hungry young player The Homelander stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
The Homelander sends it long! Too much power, not enough finesse from this superhero!
The Homelander draws the double team! Attracting attention, the superhero is a magnet out there!
LeBron James, this big fella, is drenched in sweat! Emptying the tank!
LeBron James, this mountain of a man, hangs the head. Tough loss despite an unmatched feel for the game effort.
Michael Jordan bites the inside of his cheek. LeBron James pinches the bridge of his nose. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
80-113 (L)
LeBron James posts up with energy from the opening whistle! This potential GOAT locked in!
The Homelander clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their bare hands hitting the game!
This living legend Hulk commits the offensive foul! Turnover facing the rim!
Michael Jordan, this beanpole, gets exploited in the switch! Tendency to rush exposed in the mismatch!
Hulk, this tweener, shows negative body language! Tendency to force bad shots creeping in!
End of the first half. LeBron James is beet red but still standing. Did you know LeBron James plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
A free throw from LeBron James catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Hulk can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
Jesus Christ tries to be too fancy and loses the Spalding! Sometimes predictable game in the decision-making!
This certified GOAT candidate Michael Jordan throws an elbow in frustration! Defense that's basically a suggestion on full display!
Hulk consoles teammates! The heart of a scientist in that moment!
Jesus Christ slams his fist on the bench. Hulk places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. Tonight I learned Jesus Christ used to be a messiah before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'
My Team finishes #13 (5W-10L). Better luck next season! MVP: LeBron James.
Season journal
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